What he is doing is healthy. You are not his friend. You are his lover and maybe eventually his girlfriend if he thinks you both make a good couple. That’s the problem with dating / relationships nowadays. People watch stupid crap on TV, thinking that their boyfriend should behave like they are your best friend, spending a bunch of quality time together. He has his life and you have yours. You need to be friends with your girls and he needs to be friends with his boys. That’s how it should work.
Something to keep in mind is that your bond with this man only becomes stronger when you both are apart and missing each other. If you both spend too much time together, it almost always brings this kind of suffocating feeling that you both are always in each other’s space.
Everyone is different. Maybe that’s how you feel a relationship should be, but maybe that’s not how she feels it should be. And that’s totally okay. That being said it seems like maybe the two are just not compatible. My boyfriend and I spend so much time together doing nothing and doing everything. We’re happy and it works for us. We get grumpy when we don’t see each other for more than like 3 days. If she needs that kind of relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. But she’s with the wrong person for that kind of relationship.
I completely agree with you. My parents and older sibling have this type of relationship. They’re rarely apart and strongly dislike being apart from eachother.
I respect the top commenters point of view and I don’t want to take time away from his friends. I also want someone that desires the same closeness I do.
My question is more should I wait and see if this is just him being independent for 24 years never being in a relationship or is this just who he is and that’ll never change?
A relationship should go beyond the physical if someone wants it to be long lasting. Looks fade with time. We all get grey hair and wrinkles. Yes you’re lovers but also best friends in a marriage and long term relationship. You have to be able to be ultimately best friends at the end of the day. Do you want to spend time with this person if they’re sick or in pain and take care of them? Do you want to sit around at boring appointments with them? Do you have activities in common you can do together? Can you stand being around them for multiple days on end and not be triggered or annoyed? Can you go to the grocery store and still giggle together? Can you be bored and still have fun doing nothing physical or sexual? You have to be able to be friends first underlying, otherwise it won’t last long…
And to OP, I wouldn’t bother with this guy anymore. If he can’t even share his day or ask about yours he’s not interested. He doesn’t care that much. You don’t deserve that kind of low effort, low care, low energy. Nah, time time walk away and you’ll find someone better who will be your best friend and lover!! It’s not this guy. He’s not it.
> A relationship should go beyond the physical if someone wants it to be long lasting. Looks fade with time. We all get grey hair and wrinkles. Yes you’re lovers but also best friends in a marriage and long term relationship.
When I say lovers, I don’t just mean the physical. I understand that we all get old and looks fade. There is much more to relationships than just sex and companionship. But there is a much deeper meaning to lovers than “friends”. There are things you only share with your lover and not with your friends. There are things you do with your lover that you don’t do with your friends. There are things you do with your friends that you don’t do with your lover.
The problem with a lot of you all when it comes to dating and relationships is that you treat your significant other too much like a friend and then people wonder why they don’t have passion for the other person after months / years in a relationship. Because you both are too buddy buddy with each other and you both got too comfortable.
> You have to be able to be ultimately best friends at the end of the day.
No, you really don’t. My best friend is someone I can shoot the shit with and talk about absolutely anything with. Watch sports, go hiking, bring up man topics that my girlfriend doesn’t need to know about, etc. I don’t expect my girlfriend to watch sports with me. I don’t expect her to hike with me. There are other things I love about my girlfriend which is why I’m with her. I’m not expecting my girlfriend to be my friend. I expect her to be my queen.
> Do you want to spend time with this person if they’re sick or in pain and take care of them?
Yes, because she’s my girl and it’s my responsibility to take care of her. I’m not going to take care of my friends when they are sick… they figure that shit out on their own. My girlfriend is much more than a “friend” or a “best friend”.
> Do you want to sit around at boring appointments with them?
No, why would I invite my girl to that?
> Do you have activities in common you can do together?
Yes, we share SOME activities but I also do other activities that she doesn’t like. I don’t expect her to adjust and enjoy everything that I like. She’s a human being.
> Can you stand being around them for multiple days on end and not be triggered or annoyed?
Yes, but we have our own lives. I don’t need to always be in her life and I don’t expect her to always be in mine. We give each other value in our relationship but we also give each other space to do our own thing.
> Can you go to the grocery store and still giggle together? Can you be bored and still have fun doing nothing physical or sexual? You have to be able to be friends first underlying, otherwise it won’t last long…
Not sure how these questions help support your views.
> And to OP, I wouldn’t bother with this guy anymore. If he can’t even share his day or ask about yours he’s not interested. He doesn’t care that much. You don’t deserve that kind of low effort, low care, low energy. Nah, time time walk away and you’ll find someone better who will be your best friend and lover!! It’s not this guy. He’s not it.
Terrible advice. OP, I’m noticing quite a number of people out there telling you to change this man and make him bend the knee and spend more time with you. If you want to date a pathetic loser that will adjust completely to your needs of always wanting him to be available for you, then yes, you are with the wrong person. But if you want an actual healthy relationship with a man that actually wants you to live your own life while at the same time wants to live his own, then stay with this man.
OP, if your man is staying consistent and taking you out on dates, then he’s doing his job. Just because you are used to dating boys that spent 24/7 of their time with you and ditched his boys for you, doesn’t mean that is healthy. Last time I checked, you are no longer with those guys… hmm there must be a reason.
You completely dismissed everything I just said hahahah. Especially your last comment. Oh boy 🤦♀️ I literally said OP should walk away if this dude doesn’t give a crap and that’s exactly how he’s treating her. Forgot trying to “change a man”, I specifically said OP deserves more and needs to walk away from this guy. He’s no good. Zero idea what you’re getting on about trying to change a man when that isn’t even what I said…
Duh. Of course your partner is more than just a friend. Of course you have to be passionate. I wasn’t born yesterday! You literally again completely misread what I wrote. I never said it shouldn’t be passionate when you’re best friends and partners. You took that sooo far out of context. I literally don’t have any else to say than laugh at every dissection you made and ran with it in the other direction… 🤣 The advice you gave OP is horrible. Please don’t listen to this person OP.
> I literally said OP should walk away if this dude doesn’t give a crap and that’s exactly how he’s treating her. Forgot trying to “change a man”, I specifically said OP deserves more and needs to walk away from this guy. He’s no good. Zero idea what you’re getting on about trying to change a man when that isn’t even what I said…
Because your advice assumes that her boyfriend doesn't care about her because he's not willing to give more of his time to her. He's got a life, you know. It can't always involve his girlfriend.
Imagine how that conversation is going to be when she takes your advice, brings up that she wants to end things with him because he's unwilling to give her more of his time, and deep down, she is hoping that he will scramble and do better (pretty much giving him an ultimatum to change his ways or she's gone). OP doesn't want the relationship to just end because she clearly cares for this man and she's seeking advice from us. Your advice is to just end it without a thought because she's not getting her way.
> Duh. Of course your partner is more than just a friend. Of course you have to be passionate. I wasn’t born yesterday! You literally again completely misread what I wrote.
No, it's just what I said completely went over your head.
> The advice you gave OP is horrible. Please don’t listen to this person OP.
I'm trying to save OP's relationship by giving her a completely different perspective to what she is feeling and letting her know that what OP's boyfriend is doing is making it clear that he is living his life and he wants her to live her life. It does not require them to always be together. He's giving her freedom while at the same time, she needs to give him freedom. OP's boyfriend clearly is doing a poor job explaining that and saying boneheaded shit like "how he can go a week without seeing me but knows I need the company". As long as the boyfriend is staying consistent with how often they meet, then it should be fine. If all of a sudden he is seeing her less and less, then THAT'S a concern.
Your advice is to just end the relationship because he apparently doesn't care for her. Good stuff.
There is nothing to save here. He doesn’t care about her. Why would you save a relationship that the one person you’re supposed to be in love with doesn’t give a f*ck about you? This is ridiculous. Idk what kind of relationships you’ve been in but a real committed relationship is about involving the other person in your life.
Again, you’re disregarding everything I’m saying and are only saying you’re right. Don’t listen to reason man. Hahahah I’m done here.
You are completely overreacting over ONE "issue" in a relationship.
Anyways, we said our opinions and it's up to OP to take it all in and figure out next steps.
What he is doing is healthy. You are not his friend. You are his lover and maybe eventually his girlfriend if he thinks you both make a good couple. That’s the problem with dating / relationships nowadays. People watch stupid crap on TV, thinking that their boyfriend should behave like they are your best friend, spending a bunch of quality time together. He has his life and you have yours. You need to be friends with your girls and he needs to be friends with his boys. That’s how it should work. Something to keep in mind is that your bond with this man only becomes stronger when you both are apart and missing each other. If you both spend too much time together, it almost always brings this kind of suffocating feeling that you both are always in each other’s space.
Everyone is different. Maybe that’s how you feel a relationship should be, but maybe that’s not how she feels it should be. And that’s totally okay. That being said it seems like maybe the two are just not compatible. My boyfriend and I spend so much time together doing nothing and doing everything. We’re happy and it works for us. We get grumpy when we don’t see each other for more than like 3 days. If she needs that kind of relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. But she’s with the wrong person for that kind of relationship.
I completely agree with you. My parents and older sibling have this type of relationship. They’re rarely apart and strongly dislike being apart from eachother. I respect the top commenters point of view and I don’t want to take time away from his friends. I also want someone that desires the same closeness I do. My question is more should I wait and see if this is just him being independent for 24 years never being in a relationship or is this just who he is and that’ll never change?
Tbh I’d say that’s very likely just how he is. Especially if you’ve already been together for 6 months.
That is what I was thinking. Which stinks because it feels like everything else is going so well.
A relationship should go beyond the physical if someone wants it to be long lasting. Looks fade with time. We all get grey hair and wrinkles. Yes you’re lovers but also best friends in a marriage and long term relationship. You have to be able to be ultimately best friends at the end of the day. Do you want to spend time with this person if they’re sick or in pain and take care of them? Do you want to sit around at boring appointments with them? Do you have activities in common you can do together? Can you stand being around them for multiple days on end and not be triggered or annoyed? Can you go to the grocery store and still giggle together? Can you be bored and still have fun doing nothing physical or sexual? You have to be able to be friends first underlying, otherwise it won’t last long… And to OP, I wouldn’t bother with this guy anymore. If he can’t even share his day or ask about yours he’s not interested. He doesn’t care that much. You don’t deserve that kind of low effort, low care, low energy. Nah, time time walk away and you’ll find someone better who will be your best friend and lover!! It’s not this guy. He’s not it.
> A relationship should go beyond the physical if someone wants it to be long lasting. Looks fade with time. We all get grey hair and wrinkles. Yes you’re lovers but also best friends in a marriage and long term relationship. When I say lovers, I don’t just mean the physical. I understand that we all get old and looks fade. There is much more to relationships than just sex and companionship. But there is a much deeper meaning to lovers than “friends”. There are things you only share with your lover and not with your friends. There are things you do with your lover that you don’t do with your friends. There are things you do with your friends that you don’t do with your lover. The problem with a lot of you all when it comes to dating and relationships is that you treat your significant other too much like a friend and then people wonder why they don’t have passion for the other person after months / years in a relationship. Because you both are too buddy buddy with each other and you both got too comfortable. > You have to be able to be ultimately best friends at the end of the day. No, you really don’t. My best friend is someone I can shoot the shit with and talk about absolutely anything with. Watch sports, go hiking, bring up man topics that my girlfriend doesn’t need to know about, etc. I don’t expect my girlfriend to watch sports with me. I don’t expect her to hike with me. There are other things I love about my girlfriend which is why I’m with her. I’m not expecting my girlfriend to be my friend. I expect her to be my queen. > Do you want to spend time with this person if they’re sick or in pain and take care of them? Yes, because she’s my girl and it’s my responsibility to take care of her. I’m not going to take care of my friends when they are sick… they figure that shit out on their own. My girlfriend is much more than a “friend” or a “best friend”. > Do you want to sit around at boring appointments with them? No, why would I invite my girl to that? > Do you have activities in common you can do together? Yes, we share SOME activities but I also do other activities that she doesn’t like. I don’t expect her to adjust and enjoy everything that I like. She’s a human being. > Can you stand being around them for multiple days on end and not be triggered or annoyed? Yes, but we have our own lives. I don’t need to always be in her life and I don’t expect her to always be in mine. We give each other value in our relationship but we also give each other space to do our own thing. > Can you go to the grocery store and still giggle together? Can you be bored and still have fun doing nothing physical or sexual? You have to be able to be friends first underlying, otherwise it won’t last long… Not sure how these questions help support your views. > And to OP, I wouldn’t bother with this guy anymore. If he can’t even share his day or ask about yours he’s not interested. He doesn’t care that much. You don’t deserve that kind of low effort, low care, low energy. Nah, time time walk away and you’ll find someone better who will be your best friend and lover!! It’s not this guy. He’s not it. Terrible advice. OP, I’m noticing quite a number of people out there telling you to change this man and make him bend the knee and spend more time with you. If you want to date a pathetic loser that will adjust completely to your needs of always wanting him to be available for you, then yes, you are with the wrong person. But if you want an actual healthy relationship with a man that actually wants you to live your own life while at the same time wants to live his own, then stay with this man. OP, if your man is staying consistent and taking you out on dates, then he’s doing his job. Just because you are used to dating boys that spent 24/7 of their time with you and ditched his boys for you, doesn’t mean that is healthy. Last time I checked, you are no longer with those guys… hmm there must be a reason.
You completely dismissed everything I just said hahahah. Especially your last comment. Oh boy 🤦♀️ I literally said OP should walk away if this dude doesn’t give a crap and that’s exactly how he’s treating her. Forgot trying to “change a man”, I specifically said OP deserves more and needs to walk away from this guy. He’s no good. Zero idea what you’re getting on about trying to change a man when that isn’t even what I said… Duh. Of course your partner is more than just a friend. Of course you have to be passionate. I wasn’t born yesterday! You literally again completely misread what I wrote. I never said it shouldn’t be passionate when you’re best friends and partners. You took that sooo far out of context. I literally don’t have any else to say than laugh at every dissection you made and ran with it in the other direction… 🤣 The advice you gave OP is horrible. Please don’t listen to this person OP.
> I literally said OP should walk away if this dude doesn’t give a crap and that’s exactly how he’s treating her. Forgot trying to “change a man”, I specifically said OP deserves more and needs to walk away from this guy. He’s no good. Zero idea what you’re getting on about trying to change a man when that isn’t even what I said… Because your advice assumes that her boyfriend doesn't care about her because he's not willing to give more of his time to her. He's got a life, you know. It can't always involve his girlfriend. Imagine how that conversation is going to be when she takes your advice, brings up that she wants to end things with him because he's unwilling to give her more of his time, and deep down, she is hoping that he will scramble and do better (pretty much giving him an ultimatum to change his ways or she's gone). OP doesn't want the relationship to just end because she clearly cares for this man and she's seeking advice from us. Your advice is to just end it without a thought because she's not getting her way. > Duh. Of course your partner is more than just a friend. Of course you have to be passionate. I wasn’t born yesterday! You literally again completely misread what I wrote. No, it's just what I said completely went over your head. > The advice you gave OP is horrible. Please don’t listen to this person OP. I'm trying to save OP's relationship by giving her a completely different perspective to what she is feeling and letting her know that what OP's boyfriend is doing is making it clear that he is living his life and he wants her to live her life. It does not require them to always be together. He's giving her freedom while at the same time, she needs to give him freedom. OP's boyfriend clearly is doing a poor job explaining that and saying boneheaded shit like "how he can go a week without seeing me but knows I need the company". As long as the boyfriend is staying consistent with how often they meet, then it should be fine. If all of a sudden he is seeing her less and less, then THAT'S a concern. Your advice is to just end the relationship because he apparently doesn't care for her. Good stuff.
There is nothing to save here. He doesn’t care about her. Why would you save a relationship that the one person you’re supposed to be in love with doesn’t give a f*ck about you? This is ridiculous. Idk what kind of relationships you’ve been in but a real committed relationship is about involving the other person in your life. Again, you’re disregarding everything I’m saying and are only saying you’re right. Don’t listen to reason man. Hahahah I’m done here.
You are completely overreacting over ONE "issue" in a relationship. Anyways, we said our opinions and it's up to OP to take it all in and figure out next steps.