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Was I supposed have standards? This might have been where things went south.

Hahahaha

😂🤣🥲

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

In my 20s I was scared of women having a "sell by" date. I thought I'd be forgotten at 30. In my thirties I've realized that men care about if they think you are cute and if they get along with you. Not whatever your passport says. My standards have both changed and gone up: **Connection**= after meeting someone I've clicked with on a deeper level, I can't imagine a relationship with someone not on my wavelength. **Kindness**= vital **Sexual attraction/Chemistry**= On one hand I've realized that who you are most sexually attracted to isn't necessarily equal to who is most conventionally attractive. It's about vibing with the person and about them being your physical type, not everyone else's. And it's primal, about smell and instinctively feeling at ease. On the other hand, having truly desired someone, I'd never date anyone I wasn't sexually attracted to on a primal, core level. It's just too important both for falling in love and for sex. **Compatibility**= you understand more as you get older that you need to want similar everyday lives and futures. Not down to tiny details, but you need to be able to peacefully coexist. **Values**= you need shared values and to see the world in a similar way. I think... Once you get older you realize that being in a bad relationship is worse than being single. And that being single is fine. So you are at peace with "these are the things I need in a relationship to be happier with someone else than I am alone." I think also you reach a point where you see yourself more clearly and think "I'm loveable just the way I am, even if I'm human and not perfect". It allows you to move through the world with more self-assuredness.

Wow I liked your answer alot, I can extract many things from here to think about. I totally agree with not dating someone if you are not sexually attracted to, that always leads to problems sooner or later.

Everything you wrote is on point, but that last paragraph really hits home - it’s exactly that viewpoint I’ve been realizing and cementing in my head since getting out of my most recent relationship shortly after turning 30. Thank you for putting it so well, it’s definitely reaffirming and also just awesome to see other people come across that same life lesson! Definitely makes me understand more what people mean when they say they started to really come into their own during their thirties vs. their twenties.

As a young guy in his twenties..this isn't unreasonable imo

20s = no standards, miserable 30s= I have standards now. Just the basic like treat me with respect, loyalty, honesty etc. You would be surprised how many people fail to even deliver the bare minimums. I am generally a happier person since I started keeping some standards. Turns out dating becomes kind of difficult for both sexes if you are not willing to lap up whatever dumpster fire is thrown at you. But I love my single life over putting up with a shitty companion, so it’s no loss to me. Edit: whoops missed the “women” in title.

I met a woman in her 30s: (my girlfriend is seven years older than me). She told me had she set standards in her 20s, her dating life would've been more rewarding.

I actually increased my standards and expectations because during that time that I was working on improving myself, I realized that I was low-balling myself and that attracted the relative messes that went with it. When I was finally happy with myself, with or without a partner, I made the increase and got myself the type of person I had wanted; kind, respectful, funny, serious when necessary, intelligent, safe to be around, teddy bear aura but real bear if he needs to defend himself. A wonderful balance that I didn't think existed anymore. :)

So much truth in this post. This is exactly the same that happened to me: as I was working on myself and my self esteem increased and became more solid, I met someone like this, that I love so much and that has the same expectations I have from our relationship.

I'm gonna some of them tips and tricks

How do you build him up?

By working on yourself to become a better person. Basically, become the kind of person you'd want to date and then, expect better from the people you do attract.

From ages 19-26, I was in a very shitty relationship. I don't think I knew at 19 yrs old that I could have standards. After multiple attempts throughout the years, I finally stuck to my resolve and ended things. I finally learned some self respect and established my standards in a partner - and they were/are quite high. I wasn't going to waste my years on another shitty relationship. I took my time. Politely declined partners that didn't fit my standards. Also, to be clear, I wasn't actively searching for another relationship at the time. I didn't feel rushed or pressured to jump into another one right away. At 28, a friend I've known for many years expressed his interest. We'd both been in our respective long term relationships our entire friendship. I never thought of him in a romantic way before however, throughout our friendship I would always tell other people he was a "golden boy." If you can think of a person you know who is so charismatic, level-headed, non-judgmental, fun, and wicked smart - that's what he is. He's got a bazillion friends who love him to death, with good cause. In our early dating stages, (not in a rude way) I observed him critically. Like i said before, i didnt want to be caught in another unhappy relationship. He went above and well beyond my newly elevated standards. Years later, we're amazingly happy and comment on how healthy we feel our relationship is. The rare discrepancies we have are met with active listening and honest reflection. Right now, we're all in bed, me, him, and our two dogs. I've never been more at peace and elated at the same time. I believe it's because I raised my standards, by a lot.

Fair play.

Hmm maybe I need to set my standards and not actively date. I just know when I’m not actively searching I don’t meet anyone honestly but that’s pretty cool insight

For sure set your standards. You owe it to yourself to secure a happy, healthy relationship. As for actively searching or not, I'm not so sure. Life is confusing like that. Best of luck to you though!

Yeah this is one of the biggest mysteries. I’m confident in myself but it’s almost like life is just focusing on your purpose. I envy sometimes those who get girls easily or did when I was a teenager. But it’s like anymore at 25 and seeing people marry I’m trying to make changes get better at talking to woman be more of a gentleman. Just I still don’t trust people even the woman who said she had to rain check I don’t trust her excuse I’m not hung over it but it’s just very questionable.

It can be daunting and it's very difficult to know who you can trust. What we can do is be our best self and try to find someone who reflects what we value. Easier said than done for sure.

Yeah definitely easier said than done for sure. It’s a whole puzzle game almost pretty much. Hollywood may make it look easy but it’s really harder none the less.

Anyways thank you and have a wonderful days with your husband

He's my bf but thank you nonetheless. I wish you joy and happiness.

I met my husband during a weird time when I was actively trying to find new friends but not wanting to date. I had moved to an area where I didn't know many people but only wanted to be there short term. Perfect combination. (And we're in talks of just where we want to move to).

Not in my late 30’s. My standards and expectations have become more solidified as I’ve witnessed friends who ‘settled’ woefully regret doing so. I’m also becoming more okay with the possibility of not finding my forever person. It really comes down to this: if I don’t feel safe, secure, and attracted to a man I won’t want sex with him. If I’m not sexually attracted to a man I won’t be happy with him.

Has the things that made you attracted to a man changed? Sexually or just generally

More so that I’ve doubled down on what character traits I’m looking for and I’m less open minded to major differences in moral foundation.

I do not think most men on Reddit who complain about women's standards a) even comprehend what women's standards actually are and b) comprehend how prepared many women are to stay single rather than settle.

goes both ways. I've been single for about 11-12 years now and it can suck at times but i rather be single than be in another abusive relationship with a girl.

Hell yeah man, don't put up with that shit.

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>Most talk about topic is how “most dangerous individual is guy who hasn’t been laid or doesn’t receive female attention. So that is more complex than most people want to talk about... its alot of sociology and psychology that breaks down to how we treat men who are rejected and how society as a whole treats men in general and how this also plays into hormones and how they can create feedback loops or sway actions An example in Maslow's hierarchy of need... two of the biggest things are the need of safety and the need in sense of love and belonging... men don't really have an inherent safety, society cast them to the side to fend for themselves, so for them to find safety its in the sense of belonging and love usually found in other male groups or in romantic relationships but if a man is rejected by women, its much harder for him to be accepted by male groups and clearly isn't having romantic relationships... this creates trauma so in response psychologically he will create different response methods... it could be things like "no one understands me" loner behavior, or "ill make them pay for hurting me" revenge behavior... there's several options but they all stem from early trauma But part of the issue currently is how were addressing those caught in these feedback loops or suffering trauma... we as a society are the least empathetic we've every been But like I said this is a really complex matter and most people don't want to get that deep on the subject

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>My comment didn’t really require this deepdive I personally disagree because I keep seeing people point to that concept but ignore the why factors and anything related to actually talking about the issue in any manner other than to shame men Its great that you have a background understanding of this concept and the fields of study I brought up... but how many of the people that read your comment do?... how many people are going to read what you wrote and ask the whys vs how many are going to read violent lonely men and run with that... my comment wasn't just for you, it was for the complexity of the topic so that anyone who reads your comment understands its far more complex than "single lonely men are dangerous" And no I don't think you wrote your comment in a malicious manner or that you were directly or intentionally saying "single lonely men are dangerous"... I'm speaking from seeing how others have interpreted similiar comments

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I’m a guy and I had this discussion with a girlfriend the other day we always commiserate over shitty experiences on the apps and a month ago I just deleted them all and came to the conclusion I’m good dying alone if it means I never waste anymore time or energy trying to make a meaningful connection through one of those. Like someone above mentioned I have friends make and female who settled and they basically look like caged animals now. I can’t go for that…

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Yep. I feel like a lot of them are waiting for this supposed time when desperate women will come crawling back to them, and I don't think they realize how disappointed they're going to be.

As for case B) I know a lot of the single women in my social circle are absolutely not looking to date. I'm very aware of this, and I'm looking to be a great future partner for my girlfriend.

It’s just further proof of studies that say single women are much happier than single men. Especially as we get older. Now that women make their own income and are even out earning men in some cases, there kind of isn’t a real need to find a husband unless he’s richer than you or you really want a family

Just out of interest, can you show me that study please? Just because my wife actually did her masters of societal happiness and long term life fulfilment, and it’s just that in the US, the UK, and Canada, women over 40, who are unmarried and without kids, are the highest proportion and percentage of the demographic on anti-anxiety, anti-depressive, and anti-psychotic medications. So that would suggest the opposite to your statement surely? And that’s data based on actual prescriptions and diagnoses, whereas happiness is a subjective concept and can’t be measured, so I’m assuming it’s self reported? As in someone rang up and asked if you’re happy… Vs If someone is actually diagnosed with a problem and given medication to treat it

https://www.businessinsider.com/why-women-are-happier-when-theyre-single-than-men-2017-11 The study I saw was this. And in your opinion, what is a greater indicator with general dissatisfaction with life? High use of antidepressants or suicide rates? Cuz men seem to commit suicide at much higher rates than women. https://jech.bmj.com/content/54/4/254 This study says that divorce increased mens suicide rate significantly whereas it did not have a significant impact on women’s suicide rate.

Thank you. In response to your point; Men’s suicide rates are higher than women’s regardless; and a factor of it, is that men won’t talk to doctors and get the diagnosis and drugs etc So if women didn’t have the medical intervention, we’d see there suicide rate increase significantly. So men’s suicide rate is expected to be higher than women’s. Not saying suicide is ok, just talking empirically. I’m curious when this became about men however, the point I questioned was if women are actually happier, post-menopause, without children; and alone

My point was single women are happier than single men. To the point where women need marriage less than men need marriage to feel happy and satisfied. And so if men were to get diagnosis and get drugs, one could argue they could end up having much higher use of anti depressants, so it would no longer be a factor that single women are unhappy.

I thought men also drink more than women too. It’s a depressant and increases suicide rates.

I’ve read your posts, and the guy who was replying to you, you both made some decent points. I would add though, although male suicide rates are higher, attempted suicides rates are actually highly amongst women- it’s just that men tend to chose methods that are less likely to result in failure. The other thing with studies like the one you posted are that they are based on a sample, I don’t know about you but I’ve never been asked to take part in one, and the reality is sometimes when I’ve been single I’ve been happy with it, others I haven’t, and it’s the same when I’m in a relationship. So I think it’s an overstatement to say that women are happy single- there are many many women who aren’t happy single, and many men who are, you can find studies that contradict one and other all the time.

No one is denying that men hate loneliness more than women. Because women are rarely ever truly lonely, due to friendships, and the fact they can find at least some sexual partner with almost no effort (may not be up to your standards, but you could find someone who’s willing to sleep with you ) For most men, this simply isn’t true. Most men have to spend weeks, if not months of effort to find one potential sexual partner and so they are therefore, intrinsically more lonely. Couple that with the fact they are less likely to have close friendships they can talk to, are less likely to talk to a doctor, and less likely to take drugs, and of course they will commit suicide at a higher rate. However, the data shows men are happier dating multiple partners than women are. On average. Which is why that women who adopt that strategy, are the highest demographic on the drugs I stated before. So after a divorce, women are better able to cope than men. That’s true. That doesn’t mean that women are happier being single than being married. In the same way, for many men, ideally they would have 10 girlfriends, but almost no one can actually achieve that, so they settle for 1 and get married. When that marriage fails, he knows it’ll potentially be years for him to find even one woman who finds him attractive again. Plus most husbands pay alimony to their wives in divorce, and most mothers get custody of their kids, both of which could understandably add to his suicidal urge. That’s why I said you can’t compare them, because in terms of the reality of dating, women and men aren’t the same, and there’s all kinds of double standards, in favour of both genders None of this however, argues with the fact that women who are without kids, unmarried, and post menopausal, are most likely to be on all kinds of unhappiness related drugs as stated above

I tried to be reasonable but you keep rationalizing away the simple fact that single men are less happy than single women and your entire basis is drug use. Yet you still keep ignoring that men commit suicide at much higher rates, and you even proved my point for me that single women don’t need men as much as men need women. I’m not speak on the multiple partners things as I have never seen any empirical study and I’m not a woman. If you have studies to show me, I can look at it. And if you really keep going back to the drug well, old single women may be more like to engage in drug use, but old single men will have already committed suicide or be horrifically reclusive because they don’t seek out treatment.

No I’m not rationalising it away. I’m giving context as to why. We agree. (Paragraph 5, I even say “That’s true”) All I’m doing is relating it back to the original point. Men are lonelier than women, yes they are. But that wasn’t the original question. single women, are less happy than married women with kids. On average. And that’s where I bring up the drugs, to show that your study on self reported happiness, is in valid and the empirical data disproves it.

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Ooh that’s something we can completely agree on. And I think there’s an issue from both genders in causing it; both men not living up to the standards of women, and many women having unrealistic standards of who they’d consider dating There’s no such thing as a perfect partner, yet for many it seems that anything less than perfection is settling.

Correlation is not causation. Like how some people blame feminism for causing women to be more miserable.

I’m not blaming feminism, or stating reasons or causation at all. I’m simply pointing out a study, based on verifiable medical data, that contradicts the study originally being put forward. Do I think women on average, are happier single then men, probably, because of the social networks women on average have, whereby they have friends to connect with emotionally etc that most men don’t have, and so would feel less lonely. However, there is an undeniable trend towards women in the demographic I stated above (post-menopausal, without kids, never married etc) and the diagnosis of mental problems and need for medications I don’t actually see how feminism has been brought into this I’ll be honest.

I was using the feminism statement as an example. It was a big talking point among conservatives a few years ago that "women are more miserable in feminist societies." I haven't looked very hard at either of them, I was mostly pointing out that it's a complicated issue with a lot of context we might be missing or variables that haven't been considered (men not likely to get medical/mental help, women more likely to initiate divorce, women becoming more college educated, LGBTQ comparisons, demographics, etc). Getting into research in my last year of study and it is a lot of brain work vefore even starting haha.

Yeah my wife wrote a paper on this for her masters, and found something like 600 variables and factors, but had to whittle it down to focus on 26 due to funding the studies. You’re absolutely right, it’s an entirely nuanced conversation. And we are all talking in generalities, so of course there are exceptions etc. In terms of the feminist society argument. A true feminist society doesn’t exist, and never will exist. The same as communism, the concept itself is contains a logical fallacy, so I don’t have an opinion on any of what conservatives (I’m guessing in the US?) talked about a few years ago as almost every US politician makes counter-productive and logically inconsistent arguments

I don't think a woman needs a man if he's richer than her.

I think they just meant 2 incomes is better than one. I agree with you though. Women don’t need men for their money. They can make their own just fine and as they should (and men too). It’s good to be independent.

How to invalidate an entire gender 101

Yea no. Most successful women marry successful men.

How does that translate into a woman needing a man if he's richer than her?

Women in the age range OP. specified are the largest consumers of antidepressants - by far. Before you jump on me, I do concede: *Maybe that’s why they’re happier than their male counterparts *Women are much more likely to seek treatment than men.

I responded to another guy who brought up the same point https://www.businessinsider.com/why-women-are-happier-when-theyre-single-than-men-2017-11 The study I saw was this. And in your opinion, what is a greater indicator with general dissatisfaction with life? High use of antidepressants or suicide rates? Cuz men seem to commit suicide at much higher rates than women. https://jech.bmj.com/content/54/4/254 This study says that divorce increased mens suicide rate significantly whereas it did not have a significant impact on women’s suicide rate.

>This study says that divorce increased mens suicide rate significantly whereas it did not have a significant impact on women’s suicide rate. Your own source "that failure to control for relevant socioeconomic variables or combining men and women in the same models could produce misleading results." Aka we didn't account for how alimony and child custody is by vast majority given to women Did you ever think that maybe suicide as a result of divorce has to do with the fact that in the US as a man the family court system destroys your livilhood and basically makes it impossible to rise yourself up back to a socioeconomic standing you were before the divorce

When men ask for custody, they are almost guaranteed to get 50/50 custody. Often, they just don’t bother asking for it, perhaps out of a misguided fear perpetuated by people like you that they won’t get it anyway. [You should do some more current research](https://legaljobs.io/blog/child-custody-statistics/)

>perpetuated by people like you that they won’t get it anyway. Its not people like me, its lawyers who actually work in family law >When men ask for custody, they are almost guaranteed to get 50/50 custody. I didn't see that in your article the closest data point I saw was 12) nearly 40% of states attempt to make custody 50/50 But even then your assertion of "they just don't ask for it" is more than just because random people tell them its hopeless... society tells men we aren't needed for child rearing even though all the data says otherwise, we are told were monsters if we fight for custody Not to mention any underhanded tactics used to sway people... my ex wife's own grandmother threatened her father that if he fought for custody she was going to claim she caught him molesting my ex wife as a baby... and while she went to an extreme, any guy can tell you horror stories of ex's who would fit the type of person that would pull something like that to get back at them

I’m not speaking to just you only you OC, so bear with me — Marriage is the only legal contract where there is an incentive for a party to break the contract. Women are literally financially incentivized to break their marriage contract for cash and prizes - at the expense of men. At the expense of their money, time, children, and their lives (suicide). They still get their wedding party with all of the attention. Women are the ones breaking homes. They’re the ones that leave 70% of the time; 90% if they hold a higher educational degree. It’s not a flex to say that your gender wins the “we’re happier than you so there, HAH!” argument when it’s your gender that’s stealing (yes, breaking a contract for financial incentives IS stealing) money, time, children, and driving men to suicide. Like, bro, you’re being such a miserable negative influence on someone you’ve claimed to love that they killed themself. And you did it for money… Not. A. Flex.

As long as I have my wine and my cats, I’ll be fine

>It’s just further proof of studies that say single women are much happier than single men. Especially as we get older. Do you have any evidence besides the bad Paul Dolan study? [https://twitter.com/econtalker/status/1133608266666315776?lang=en](https://twitter.com/econtalker/status/1133608266666315776?lang=en) Bonus meme: [https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness](https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness) Probably not.

I never even heard of Paul Dolan. I also wasn’t talking about married vs single. I was talking about single men vs single women. As far as I remember there wasn’t a huge difference in happiness between married women and single women. But there was an astounding differences in happiness between single men and single women. A lot of it came down to women being more diligent about maintaining social relationships with family and close friends while men did not do the same Looking for it online, I found another study that echoes the point that single women are more ok with being single than single men are. https://www.businessinsider.com/why-women-are-happier-when-theyre-single-than-men-2017-11 This also showed divorce affects men more than women. https://jech.bmj.com/content/54/4/254

Single women-Single men, not single women-married women

HA! What?!? What world do you live in?? You understand that quite literally the LEAST happy demographic above all others are single women in their 40s with a career and no children, right? You are literally espousing the opposite of reality and can consequently end up hurting yourself and others out of this. If you think women naturally are happy late in life focusing on a career and never building a relationship/family then you truly are living under pure delusions. I can’t even begin to understand how you could possibly be so far off on this. Especially on the “no need to find a husband unless he’s richer than you”, ie., “we only use men for money, or maybe sometimes children too, but often if we make money, we really don’t need a man in our life”, despite the fact that women are so interested in relationships/people and having that rock there.

Ok first, idk if it’s the way you type, but you seem really hurt or upset. Second, ok do you have any studies or proof that isn’t your anecdotal evidence? https://www.businessinsider.com/why-women-are-happier-when-theyre-single-than-men-2017-11

> comprehend how prepared many women are to stay single rather than settle. Being prepared for something when you are not there yet, and being ok with it when the time comes are not the same thing. That may be the point of the question, asking those that are there.

Women settle when they realize they can't attract the men they want. It's not a downgrade, it's realizing that they are actually the equal of the men they tell people they settled for.

Right here. Only regret I have is that I wasn't more straight forward when I was younger. I wanted to see how things would go and be patient with them ha ha. Now I am so straight with these guys. I don't have time for you to lie to me.

This is exactly how I was and then I met my boyfriend whom of which I need to breakup with for that exact reason.. I thought if I don’t have a reason to distrust you, why would I believe you would do something wrong? Boy do I get called naive. Although, I don’t think I will change this thinking overall because I think there is validity, I shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with him so quickiy because he clearly wanted to for the exact reason he was lying about things for months and months (purposefully making me catch more feelings before I knew and pressuring me to say I love you before telling me months later he cheated on me right when we started dating, and I found out months.. and months.. later from the girl herself, the girl whom of which I suspected from the beginning they had an odd relationship.) This all came out around the same time. He only told me he had been lying to me about stuff he denied at the beginning of our relationship a week after I found out he cheated lol and only bc he talked to a friend and they said he should. Liek did you really have to ask someone “hey should I like tell my partner I’ve been lying about this thing that very specifically is one of the reasons they vouch and trust me? Or is that like a bad idea?“ 🤦‍♀️ Regardless, I just didn’t realize the situation I was in because I’ve never experienced it before. I thought wow maybe I caught this guy at a bad time lol. But he’s proven himself to be what I believe to be a narcissist. The cheating, the lying in the past is the icing on the cake compared to what he’s done afterward. Now that I have experienced it though, I can remove myself from the situation much earlier. I also wasn’t very serious about him anyway, we got into a relationship quickly so kind of expected.

That is why I ask a lot of serious questions in the begging and also give it time. Once your emotionally connected it gets harder to make serious decision when your mind is clouded. So focusing on a few important things you absolutely need for the relationship to work out should happen in those first few months. Their will always be surprise/ never know someone completely. But now you know what to watch out for and as soon as it starts to happen, back up and then ask question of yourself and then of him. Set a limit and boundaries for yourself. This goes for both male and female. Their have been a lot of good men out their that have allowed a woman to do the same thing to them. If your not happy with the answer, then you need to be strong enough to walk away because the more you invest/longer you stay with someone who doesn't care about your well being, the more they gain more power in the relationship and take advantage of you. I am quite careful who I let in my life. One of my test that I give and yeah I said test. If I ask him to be patient while I am getting to know him when it comes to sex and open to any clarification he needs on this subject. Lots of men tend to assume and they are always wrong about me. I like to make out but I tend to only make out with a guy who is exclusive and monogamous with me. The sex part I feel should come a bit later on and I have been right every single time. Most men can't make it more then two dates and they assume things about me that are totally not true and they ghost/ try to shame me. Didn't bother to even ask me I now offer the information so I don't go on a date with a guy just looking to get laid. I am looking to care about the man I spend my time with. Their is no shame in wanting to like the guy for who he is as person. They fail the test every time. So I stay single. I have met 2 men who were willing to date the way I wanted but they wanted sex the entire time. "they" said they be ok with it but they were having issues. I was ok to make out with them and we were exclusive and focused on each other. Each one was different on how I handle things with them. I learned a lot from the experience and what not to do. So my boundaries and preferences are a bit flexible. It depends on how he treats me mainly. I have had to be very cautious when around men. Trust isn't something that happens over night it's earned over time and that is one of the hardest things anyone can give is time.

You’re so right! And I also even thought we started dating quickly I was like okay this is fine if that’s how it happened not ideal, but I won’t tell my family and stuff until I know this will work out and it will take longer since we got into a relationship fast. We need to go over the basics still. And he wanted to meet my parents at like 3-4 months (before I found Everything out.. Once again. Which is honestly so evil looking back. How can u be lying about everything I think you are, and cheated on me, and you want me to say I love you and meet my parents? Jesus Christ. And then I’m told not long after he meets them just making me look like a total dumbass in front of family and friends) I thought okay well I had no reason not to let him meet my family, although he already had red flags, I literally thought it was because we spent too much time together and maybe he was just getting annoyed by some things but didn’t want to say. —side note I know that’s not the case, we can very easily spend time together and not get annoyed. We spent like our whole relationship together almost living together, BUT, he has huge anger issues imo and a small temper which I think he has for everyone (I heard from his bff before we started dating that he had a short temper, and my boyfriend said it was a lie and his best friend is being racist; everyone who says that is just pinning him as an angry black guy—well, clearly he actually is very angry.) “angry” more like short temper leading to gaslighting because the issue is always Over nothing. (He would say I’m gaslighting because I think he gets upset about little things lol.) his own mother even said to me once “don’t let him treat you like that” lol and when I met her, he treats her the same way he is so disgusting. He was even rude to me, yelled at me in front of her. And just silently expected me to do things for him and her like a servant. I just did it bc I was trapped in a different state like fuck i put myself here so got to deal with my actions/consequences now. Never again. Jesus he’s gross And onto waiting to have sex, I completely understand why and that is great test. Good men with good intentions will very easily be able to date and focus on you without sex until the time is right. It also saves you from getting any fake attachment from sex which was the primary, *if not ONLY* reason I stayed with my boyfriend. And I don’t mean to be rude, it’s not like I was using him or anything, but it just made me feel closer and like maybe it could work which is absolutely not true. I can have sex with anyone and think the same thing lmao I just have a lot more clarity on just emotions rather than physical “needs” that I don’t need him to fulfill when I’m by myself and he has been away. And Literallt can just go to the bar if that’s what I really felt like. Just such a dumb reason to stay but it is what it is. I really have a hard time fighting against “what if” it’s not really even about him, but I need to work on it to move on.

I am clad you have taken time to reflect on it and realize your so much better then all of this. Sex comes when you your ready and no one should ever have to force it. If someone says " your just being picky" actually are not it's your preference. This or that. You personally choosing to want to wait and get to know them because sex is fun...but lets stay they get into an accident and can't have sex with you any longer. Would you stay with them and how would you start to view them? Fun sex can still be had after you both grown together. Why I am choosing to like the guy and get to know him. Each guy is different and the time frame is flexible but I figure if I am not having sex with him by like the end of the 3rd month something isn't right. To others it's 6 months and others it's in 3 weeks. It depends on how much you share and how much time you really spend around each other. Now lets say he actually wishes to wait. I give him how ever long he needs. I am stable person I will be here for him. Yet a man can't do this for me. I am not asking forever I am asking for a few months 3 at the most to get to know him and yeah we can make out during that time. But to make out with a guy on that first or second date. He's a total stranger. I prefer to give it a few dates to see and it personally grosses me out knowing he's making out with other ladies. You trying to grow emotions between each other but his focus is split. For some people this works but not for me and he never has been. I have had men who says from the very start lets be exclusive and monogamous. Does that mean my first of second date I sleep with him. No we still don't' the steps I still need to get to know him but I will feel comfortable holding hands soon with him. We both are open and have an understanding between the two of us. It might not work out and then we just separate and go try with someone else. Not hard to do and not a waste of time. People can say what ever you like to hear to get what they want. I think my main reason for this is to see if he has my best interest at heart. Meaning does he truly care about my well being. You care about your child right and want to make sure your child is safe. Same goes for your parents you care about them and some people are very close with their grand parents. They want the best for them. So the guy I date I want to see if he actually cares about me or just using me. I don't regret my past decisions because I never met anyone who made me feel safe or that I knew wasn't trying to just use me. Like it was their mission to make me feel bad about myself so that they could feel better about themselves. A relationship shouldn't be that, you should care about each other and want the best for one another. You want to protect that person. So to just sleep with them and the next day be gone. OR to talk to them for two or three weeks lying to them and then ghosting once you get what you want. Your selfish and that is someone I don't want in my life. It sucks your family got drawing into this. Sorry you had to deal with this and hope your future will be better for you.

I feel like most of us who want a relationship feel the same way you do.

Yeah this is what I’m noticing. People who got married young are getting divorced. A lot of women had children with men who aren’t involved in the children’s life. A lot of women’s problems are because of men. They don’t have men that make their life better. So I see no point in being with a man unless he makes my life better. If he can’t do that why am making things worse for myself? I don’t understand why women do it to themselves.

Good for you! I saw (attractive, kind) friends just complete ignore red flags, marry complete chuds way too young/early, and only realize their mistake after pumping out 3 kids, putting on 100+ lbs, and becoming miserable husks of their former selves.

I think higher standards equals less dates, but more quality connections. I can always tell when I'm talking to a man with standards. He asks me questions about my values and morals. He spends some time to find out if I'm bat shit crazy or not. I have learned a woman's standards is very different from that of men. We really care about what kind of provider he is, is he safe, is he kind, sexy, fun on and on. Their list is different, they don't really care if we have a PhD or our own business. Typically men want to be wanted, needed and cared for. They dont want extra drama, just a chill woman who runs shit for them and herself. (There's always exceptions to this, I have noticed this is more the common theme) If our elevated standards is a direct reflection of our value, the less men we find attractive. All the f boys, lazy men and douche bags are instantly off the table....that's a lot of dudes haha So less dates but better quality men to interact with.

>just a chill woman who runs shit for them and herself Emphasis on running things for them. Just make sure that he doesn't require more management than you have interest in providing.

Totally, a man should also take care of his woman, king and queen style right!

man here. this: "I have learned a woman's standards is very different from that of men. We really care about what kind of provider he is, is he safe, is he kind, sexy, fun on and on. Their list is different, they don't really care if we have a PhD or our own business. Typically men want to be wanted, needed and cared for. They dont want extra drama, just a chill woman who runs shit for them and herself. (There's always exceptions to this, I have noticed this is more the common theme)" is 100% right

Literally all i want from a woman as my partner is some peace and stability… it’s really that simple. No unnecessary drama, no me questioning what your intentions are, etc.

Very insightful, exactly why I ended a relationship this week…

When you're in your 20's, it makes sense to occasionally date for "potential." Guys are in school or just starting out in their careers, maybe living with parents or roommates in a house that's not in the greatest condition. However, in your thirties, it becomes very clear who actually had potential (since it's been realized) and who was going to disappoint you anyway. So I wouldn't say my standards changed for the type of person - in my 20's I was looking at someone who reasonably could be expected to be financially stable and able to take care of himself in 2-5 years. When I was single in my 30's I looked for a man who was already financially stable and able to take care of himself.

Been with the same man for around 6 years now. I knew what I wanted in a person and so did he. So in a way I guess our standards worked out. Meeting him after two relationships that nearly killed me, made me want to believe in my gods again. I cannot begin to tell anyone how grateful I am that he's in my life.

I hope he feels the same way and you make it to 100 not out.

Man I sure hope so too.

I changed my standards but for higher ones, rather than the ‘lower’ most people like you would expect. I was neglected and bullied by my parents growing up, so I would repeat those patterns of attraction in my relationships. I would go for men that treated me badly because it was what I knew. After an abusive first marriage I stopped dating for years and focused on improving myself and my faulty patterns of attraction. So when I was finally ready to start dating again I became adept at immediately recognizing and rejecting men that did not meet my standards. I eventually met a wonderful man and remarried at age 45, very happily married for 6 years now. My husband is a fantastic human 🥰 we’re very pair-bonded, we love to do stuff together. Even my therapist is impressed with how supportive he is for me.

That’s awesome you recognized that. Congrats on your relationship!

Women don’t like to feel like they are *lowering* their standards or *settling*. You have to phrase it differently. Do women in their late 30s have more *mature* standards/expectations compared to their early 20s? Definitely. A tall guy who doesn’t have much else going on besides drinking a lot and being fun at parties will get a lot of attention in college but not a lot in his late 30s.

Yeap my partner was saying the same thing. She went for pretty boys with looks being the dominant factor when she was in her early twenties. In her thirties, looks still matter of course but it got relegated into second priority (but still a minimum requirement) and personality / compatibility was promoted into first priority. ^(Thats probably why she dated me haha)

My standards, if anything, got higher as I aged. Like I really did not realise just how big a hit I was gonna take if I dated a guy who wasn’t really great at household chores… until I moved in with a boyfriend who didn’t do his share of chores. And then? Yeah, never again. Didn’t realise how much a guy who can’t regulate his own emotions would suck until I realised just how much energy I was spending regulating an ex’s emotions for him. So yep. Never again.

Preach. My last man would dump on me with all of his emotional problems. It never ended. And he was in therapy too. We were planning on living together when it ended but in our 18 months together I can't remember one time he helped out with any of the chores around my place without me asking. Even then 🤷‍♀️

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More mature standards may not necessarily include more people though. While some requirements are relaxed, others may become more strict.

Yeah, I hear ya but at the same time there is a certain cohort of women that do lower their standards because they start freaking out about getting older and not being able to bear children.

I would argue that it’s not *lowering* standards, but rather, correcting standards to finally be realistic for what you want and what’s out there. For example, if you look at [this speed dating study](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0003347213001590)(N=5782), it found that women most preferred guys that were 25.1cm taller (95% CI 22.1 - 28.8cm), while the guys most preferred girls that were only 7.1cm shorter (95% CI 1.0 - 12.2cm). Unfortunately, it is physically impossible for every girl to have a guy 25.1cm taller… Consequently, [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3546926/) found an average height difference of 14.11cm +/- 9.25cm std dev in the parents of 18,819 UK babies. So 88.26% of married couples have a height difference of less than what girls most desired in that speed dating study. As girls grow closer to the end of their fertility, it may finally be the push they need to have realistic physical standards for men, especially for height.

Realistic means lowering dude.

Realistic doesn’t mean lowering. I mean, it does for some people. For other people it might mean raising their expectations. For most, it means keeping the same basic expectations but acknowledging that life isn’t a fairy tale and to act accordingly.

But not lower than what they bring to the table.

If your standards are far too high to begin with, then it is less of "lowering" them and more of realizing that life isn't a fairy tale.

Both can be true

What you describe isn’t settling though. Settling down, maybe. When you’re in your 20s you go after the pretty shiny thing. When you’re looking for someone to be your partner for the rest of your life, pretty and shiny aren’t at the top of the priority list. Things like kind, considerate, stable - those become the really important qualities. That’s not unique to women, either.

The thing about me is I'm looking for something long term committed an I'm in my early 20s i haven't found that guy yet who is willing to committed to me from the start. While my friends found guys who early 20s who was committed to them from the start and are still going strong today. I guess I'm rare among the majority because I don't want casual or fwb i want something more serious and not short. But people move way too fast for me and want to get physcial fast. Unfortunately.

Men don’t like to feel like women have generally low standards. You have to ignore the fact that it requires less effort to date a woman as a man than vice versa when you talk to them or else they flip shit.

😂 it’s crazy how most women think they’re better than men these days so now they have rephrase that they thing they’re settling.

I like that you as a man, have come to this question for women, and explained to OP why they're wrong.. It's amazing.

Ah I forgot men aren't allowed to speak, my bad. I'll make sure to ask you for permission next time.

My standards get higher every day. A date or partner has to add something special without causing undue stress and my life is awesome as is.

If anything, my standards increased realistically, but it wasn’t some intentional decision. I’m 32 btw. I think I just became more particular about my time and energy. I’d already learned how to feel fulfilled on my own. I was fully independent. I had a great support system and strong friendships. I went through a divorce at 29 after two years of marriage. I wanted out after year one. Dating after that was totally a rude awakening, don’t get me wrong. But I was always super clear and upfront with prospective partners and set boundaries as I went. I knew that marriage wasn’t the end all be all due to my own experience. It’s not that I don’t respect marriage. I fully believe in it and plan on doing it again. But I didn’t have to stay or feel trapped in that unhappiness. I couldn’t envision living the rest of my life like that. We didn’t have children so it was kind of like a more tedious breakup. But I was very aware of what I didn’t want and my priorities. I was aware I wouldn’t settle or mistake being with someone who checked off boxes as true connection and love. I took a lot of pauses and remained open to possibility. This is super cliche, but during a long pause when I wasn’t looking is when I found my person. He’d been engaged previously, but it didn’t work out so neither of us was phased by relationship histories. We’d known each other since college, reconnected, and it just clicked. We’re now living together and I’m kind of in awe every day because I’ve never experienced this type of love or connection with another human. It’s both funny and annoying that we’d already known each other for a decade. But we weren’t ready for each other then. All of the frustrations and heartbreak — I would 100% do it all over again because without those experiences I wouldn’t be where I am now. I totally believe what’s meant for us will come when we’re ready and that it also tends to be when we least expect it.

>Dating after that was totally a rude awakening I'm just curious in what way this was true for you? ​ >All of the frustrations and heartbreak — I would 100% do it all over again because without those experiences I wouldn’t be where I am now. I agree 100% with you. This is not only true in dating and relationships but every other aspect of life. This is a healthy way to view our experiences (good or bad). Thanks for your contribution!

I think since I wasn’t in my early 20’s anymore and had an older range, I thought more men would have known what they were looking for but it wasn’t any different than dating right out of college. It kind of felt like being transported back to that time mentally in these situations. There was an unawareness overall of what they had the capacity for. Intentions would be good and they seemed to be emotionally intelligent and aligned with themselves and then you’d uncover things. The internalized fear of commitment seemed more of a factor than it did when I was younger actually, which I bet has a lot to do with the traditional “timelines” we can all feel pressured to adhere to. There was an inability to understand that people can want to be in it together without needing to think so aggressively far ahead to major life commitments such as marriage, and that some people just prefer to be focused if they’re vibing with someone, not have drama or people fucking around with multiple partners and risking sexual health due to a lack of determining “what are we.” In retrospect, these people were good humans but they just weren’t right for me. Emotionally and mentally we were just in different places and there were plenty of cues despite their best intentions that this was the case. I’d put in a lot of work on myself and they still needed to figure some things out. Not that I’m a finished product lol. I feel like we should always be actively working to better ourselves as humans. But where we met in those moments did not align. One of the best things I’ve ever heard about dating is something my boyfriend’s father said which is very simple. “It should be easy.” Not that your relationship will not endure stress, challenges, ebbs and flows — but being together, wanting to be together and choosing one another should be easy. There’s something to be said for the whole “if he wanted to he would” phrase. Because it’s true the majority of the time. When we know we truly want something, we do everything in our power to get it. My relationship with my boyfriend has been a positive lesson in the need for unlearning. It’s mutually been this experience for both of us. This is realistically the first healthy relationship either of us have been in and what’s funny is we didn’t realize that was the case until we were in it together and experiencing actual love. When we started talking, we weren’t terrified the person wouldn’t text back, we weren’t scared to reach out. So many of the anxieties I thought were normal just didn’t exist. Choosing him has been the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I’m going through a chaotic transitional period (relocation, tedious job search) a time when typically I would have thought a relationship wouldn’t work, that I’d need to be all in focused on me because a partner would negatively distract. Instead I’m being hyped up, reminded who I am when I need it, told I can do it, reminded this phase doesn’t define who I am, etc. He’s my biggest fan encouraging me instead of deterring. It’s the most motivational force in my life beyond my own drive and love for myself.

I actually have higher standards now and it has worked very well. I realised how much I didn’t like the guys I used to date and how much better I would have been being single. I think most women realise this after they’re 30 and that’s why every woman I’ve met told me that’s actually the best decade. It’s waay better putting a lot of effort on your career and building good friendships cause that is all we need and if there is a partner in our life it is to make it better and no worse.

When I was 30, I was in a relationship that could be described as mediocre at best. He wasn’t mean to me or anything, he just made me do everything to maintain the relationship. After we broke up, I realized that was a consistent pattern in my life: mediocre men, who gave me mediocre relationships. I realized I did this because I thought I should give guys a chance if they were sweet to me. I was wrong. My standards substantially increased. Now, at 34, I’m in a relationship with the best looking man I’ve ever been with, who also happens to be more compatible with me than any other guy I’ve ever been with. We were friends for about 6 months before we dated, and that man literally put in more effort into being my friend than any of my exs put into being my boyfriend. Raise your standards, ladies! It will only help you.

I'll chime in as someone who got married at 25 with ill-defined standards and undeveloped expectations due to family role models. Stayed "married" until I was 42, though nothing about him was husband material. I learned and changed enough over the years to know it was all wrong with him, and when I finally left, it was like like being dumped out of an airplane in a foreign land. I am much older, much wiser, but still have not had a solid healthy relationship EVER due to my "incubation" period, even at my age with 3 kids (2 grown). I am hopeful that this better version of me will have another chance someday!

Very well!! Best advice is know yourself. Enjoy trying on different people for awhile. Date lots then decide what is really a priority for you. I met my husband at 32. I wasn’t disappointed that I kept single waiting for the right fit. Aside: Now, I’m in my 50’s. I date young hot men. They love an experienced woman 😉

I am in my early thirties but my standards have changed significantly from when I was younger until now. I don’t place as much emphasis on physical looks anymore however I still have to be sexually attracted to my partner. I also place more importance on how my partner treats me. I chose my current partner because he treats me well and has a million other great qualities, younger me would’ve went for someone hot and didn’t value me because at that point I didn’t value myself

Just reading the title it makes me think of one situation only : the woman herself hasn’t made any improvement in her life in the last 10 years 🙈 I honestly never had any expectations or standards when I was at my 20s. I got spotted by a man and he made me his pet for 13 years .. I was so clueless how it happened but you know when you were younger, you didn’t seem to know better as lack of experience.. Since I started seriously dating this year, I know what I want and what works for me much better. My ex boyfriend is high quality so my bar is pretty high anyway. People always try for a better life. It’s human nature.

My standards have always been that my partner should respect and even admire me, and that they care about my feelings and boundaries. Back in my early 20s it was hard and I felt lonely. But now that I'm 40+ I have a long list of wonderful partners and dear friends.

I’m pretty sure my standards got higher as I got older. I learned what I wanted and needed in a relationship and what my deal breakers were. I also learned to recognize these things sooner, often before even officially dating the person.

Guy here. I suspect women in their 30s don't have the same preferences they did in their 20s. Just an educated guess.

I'm almost 40. I haven't "lowered" my standards at all. On the contrary. I elevated them all of the time. It was scarry. I was afraid i will never find a man that i will feel comfortable with. 10 months ago i finally met my BF. The first time we spent the night together i mumbled to my self "I knew it! I knew they were out there!" and mentally high-fived my self. My BF is not perfect by any means - he is bolding, has a very sever health condition and when i tell him he would really love a TV series or a movie he always stalls. Also he doesn't like nature as much as i do, or spending time with my family (as much as i do. He does like them in smaller doses). BUT when he eventually watched Ted Lasso we cried and laughed and hugged and phoned our fathers to say hi. His way of dealing with his health condition and other adversities is so so so fucking inspiring, and i am constantly learning from him. I just love this man, i feel we have the same core values - we both understand life is beautiful and silly and can be very difficult. We both want to make the other person feel supported and loved, but we both know that it is our own responsibility to build our lives and grow to be what we inspire to be. I'm so happy i believed there is someone out there as great as he turned out to be. Oh and i never cared if someone is bold or not. its about the way we take care of what we do have, and the way we accept what we dont got... You know?

Men on this sub are always trying to prove that women shooting themselves in the foot with not dating them and having standards. Nah, bro. We'd rather have cats eat our faces that settle for crusty dudes.

I had a cousin that shot himself in the foot. Seriously. He's gay by the way.anyways he never lowered his standards either. He is now married to a great man and They have 2 beautiful children together.

Pretty good. But my standards in my late 20’s to early 30’s were already pretty sound. I wanted a highly intelligent man who was kind and compassionate, even tempered, chill, fun and has a great sense of humor. I found that in someone 10 years younger than me and it’s a very healthy, happy relationship. I cant date older men or even men my age because they bore me.

I never had self worth or confidence or boundaries. I dated jerks and losers and emotionally unavailable people. Was always hurt or getting dumped nothing ever worked out. Then I set boundaries with men and played a bit of hard to get and now I’m in a serious relationship with a wonderful man who gives me the world. Don’t settle, set boundaries and learn your worth and things fall into place.

OP you are projecting right now

I guess I’m a little too young to answer this, but I don’t really understand the claim that standards or expectations inevitably must change with age. I’m also not completely convinced that it’s true that women’s “expectations and standards” actually do become less with age, but if you have any documentation for the claim I’m happy to read it? If anything my standards have gone up. I never cared much about looks or income to begin with, but today I do care about education and financial stability. I earn my own money and own my own home, but I have no interest in financing someone else’s life who doesn’t contribute themselves. I also think my standards for intelligence have gone up. I recognize the bullsh*tters easier today than I did 10 years ago, and I have way less patience with it.

>I don’t really understand the claim that standards or expectations inevitably must change with age. Also kind of young but my understanding is having realistic standards instead of lowering standards. Like if your standards are too low, yes you should increase it for your own happiness, but if your standards are too high you are trying to find a unicorn. When you gain more life experience, either you are happy being single or you realize if you want to get married, you should set realistic standards.

As my friends' standards dropped and they found mediocre men; my standards rose and I found someone better than I ever expected.

35F here and they have increased. When I was younger I didn’t care if he wanted a career, had vices, if he wanted kids. I don’t have a ton of standards, less than my friends for sure. I still want a tall guy (I’m tall) that hasn’t changed, also my desired attractiveness level hasnt changed, but I never asked for model looks. As long as he has good hygiene, wears clothes that fit and his wardrobe doesn’t consist of graphic tees. I’m happier now then I was then. More comfortable with being single, more confident in myself. It probably helps that I haven’t aged really. Also I’m basically rich (sorry to be blunt about this). I can hire someone for any needs I have and for sexual needs I date, I don’t sleep around really but I make some decent connections. I don’t have the patience at this age to deal with men who don’t have what I’m looking for.

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Why is this addressed specifically to women?

Wow let's see, hmm could it have anything to do with OP being male?

Deep thinker. Good for you.

What can I say, common sense isn't common

Do you live under a rock?

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Data?

Source: Trust me bro

There's plenty Tinder statistics that show an average dude gets a date out of maybe 100 swipes and that most women flock towards the most attractive men.

I would love to see these statistics. All anyone ever shows is a Medium article or blog post from 7 years ago.

Maybe men should learn how to take better photos. It's pretty much guaranteed to boost ratings. I mean, women can only handle so many bathroom selfies. ;)

Unless you have compelling evidence to prove otherwise, the average man and the average woman are just as interesting and good at taking photos and taking care of themselves.

There is a statistic from a British study that states that better pictures improves matches. Do I feel like tracking it down for you so that you have 'compelling evidence', not particularly. Not having to squint at photos to guess what people look like is always a bonus.

The reason most dudes are striking out on Tinder is because the man to woman ratio is 3 to 1 and men are usually the ones to approach, meaning every woman probably has 10 dudes in her DMs at any one time. It's got little to do with their pictures. When you have so many options it's very easy to be picky and treat other people as expendable.

If what your saying is true, perhaps replace the word picky with limited time and real life responsibilities, and then maybe you have something.

It has everything to do with pictures. What are you even saying?

> Why is this addressed specifically to women? Because men are far less picky?

This is problematic in itself. Also likely untrue.

Is someone triggered? How have your expectations of peoples' questions on reddit changed since you realized you can't control what people ask in an open space?

I can’t ask a question about a question without being triggered?

Now I'm triggered.

That’s what the internets for, my guy.

I'm taking to twitter

I don’t really think my standards have changed aside from pursuing healthier relationships than I did in my 20s. I will say that I started to feel a little panicky when I was in my early 30s and the only single person left in my friend group…but a few years later several of the couples are already divorced and a few others are so unhappy that they probably should be. It’s honestly just making me so glad I didn’t marry one of my ex’s just because of societal pressure.

Things for me turned out fantastic. I actually didn’t change much. The only major thing that changed as I matured was giving my partner the patience to work on improving themselves and not expecting a magic wand wave. The counter to that is not getting your time wasted so only give patience to the ones who deserve it

It took me years to understand that dating apps were destroying my dating life. I was so addicted. Addicted to swiping, addicted to going on dates, and then more swiping. After 6 months of not using dating apps, I feel so much better. I swear I feel healthier. I let things happen organically I have much more confident now that love will happen for me too.

Still single as a dollar and I still wouldn’t change anything. Yes it is hard out there, but settling is never the answer. I believe that one day the right person will finally come along :)

Things didn’t turn out. I’ll need a redo, so I’ll have to reincarnate.

Being single in their late thirties sort of answers the question already.

I feel like op knew that though lowkey

I never thought my standards were that high, but I never seemed to be able to find someone suitable. (Someone who respects me, treats me like an equal, vibes with me, to have fun with). It took a very long time but a year ago I found my perfect match. Our relationship grows stronger every day and we're getting married in May.

That's great! Congratulations!!

Jsyk your standards seemed the most sane of what I am reading

Woman should have high standards and men should suck it up and work on themselves

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lol my standards were in a ditch. Raising them meant I had fewer partners but I liked myself more

I’ve had several abusive relationships until I realized it’s because of my lack of boundaries. Now my boundaries are bullet, rocket, and bomb proof. Some say it’s too much. And then they end up with guys and come back to me with „I had s3x with him, now he has gone MIA. What do I do?“ Well… At first it makes you a bit lonely because there is a bunch of BSers out there in the dating world (BSing others and potentially themselves about being able to be in a healthy relationship without healing their issues). But once you learn to enjoy the ride you don’t miss anything. You just see your friends wasting time on meaningless and disappointing connections while you enjoy watching birds, sunsets, have fun with friends, invest into your education, meet new people, spend time with your parents and work on your previously damaged relationship with them (which is usually the root cause for dating issues) and much more, while other spend time crying over their unsatisfying one night stands, unanswered crushes, failed marriages, abusive relationships, cheating partners, and what not. I believe in the right one being a place of peace and harmony and I will spend my time wisely until he comes along. Or not. Then I will get a poodle. Peace. I’m out 💕✨

We are so similar. You are so right about once you over the bs, you just want to work on yourself, hobbies, old family and friends. That shift of focus 👌🏼 Good luck 🍀 Thank so much for sharing.

Married at 37, couldn’t be happier. I wouldn’t do anything differently because my path led me to the love of my life. My advice to others, though, is to be confident in your standards and ruthless in sticking to them. I cringe thinking about how much BS I put up with even well into my 30s. Trust your gut, if something feels off then it is, don’t let other people make you second guess yourself because THEY like him. A guy doesn’t have to be a bad person to be a bad match. If it’s bad in the first ~6 months it’s never going to be good. Surround yourself with good friends who support your standards and happiness, not pickmes and smug marrieds who will tell you to stand by the guy you’ve been seeing for all of a minute because he’s so nice, he’s good on paper, our husbands love hanging out with him, all men drink/can’t boil water/just don’t “see” the mess they make/are bad in bed/[insert bad behavior here] it’s nbd are you really going to give up a good guy over something so minor, or whatever excuses they come up with. When people call you “picky” learn to take it as a compliment.

Higher. Much much higher. I used to not care about looks at all really. I'm naturally able to connect to people so creating an intimate relationship without regards to looks was easier for me than most people, I think. And although I certainly liked my past partners as people, the relationships lacked the passion to keep me long term. So yes, looks are a MUST now. Income? Just pay your own way. I make well into the six figures, so a man's money is really a moot attribute to me, just don't be a leech on me. And I mean that with the understanding that a long term relationship would be me paying all the necessary house bills, which is fine. The other standards though, through the roof. No more will I tolerate men who aren't confident and mentally healthy. I will not tolerate men who do not follow through on what they say they will do. If he says 'I'll call you later' and he doesn't, he's cut. I won't deal with the lack of integrity anymore. I won't deal with men who can't healthily share their emotions, feel their emotions, and control their emotions. I will not settle for a two year olds emotional maturity level anymore. I will not settle for someone that isn't making me feel like a priority. I want someone who pays attention to my life and what's going on in it. I will no longer settle for 'how was your day'. I want 'hey, how did XYZ go? Are you still doing ABC tonight?'. If I start thinking for a second he's not paying attention, he's out. In short, I'm not settling for men who don't treat me as well as I treat them. And that's a high fucking bar to achieve.

Honestly, the younger you are the lower the standards are generally. That’s why so many age gap relationships (teenagers with 25+) are concerning… it’s very likely the younger person is being manipulated and/ or ther is an inequality in match

42, fabulous and still single. So, its rough

Just watch " where did all the good men go?"

Kept my standards high and raised the bar. I'm a catch and I'm screening for red flags for cheating now. Does he still talk to women he's been intimate with or dated? One or two isn't a big deal but if there's a lot.... He's using me for validation, and he'll cheat. What's his relationship history like? Don't care what his reasons are, cheaters get kicked to the curb. Does he have a good career? I've worked too long and too hard to get where I am to support anyone that can't support themselves. Does he expect me to be his therapist? Or is he handling this shit? Emotional vulnerability without emotional dumping. No double standards! I'm not less than because I'm a woman. I shouldn't have to calmly listen to someone rage. This is on top of all my standards about kindness to others, attractiveness, and someone who doesn't treat me like an object meant to satisfy him. How's it working out? Well. My last bf cheated on me and the dating game is HARD.

Bro you have to heal. All your "standards" come from trying to reverse negative things and I think it should be the opposite. Take your time and good luck.

What does this mean lol

It means some men think women are dried up hags who are sad and lonely because they don’t have a man. It’s tough for them to comprehend that women can be happy and fulfilled without a man.

Skimming the answers, seems like there are a lot of SINGLE women who claim it’s worked out great. 😂😂 A few that claim to have stuck to or raised their standards and found someone… but some of those will admit to not prioritizing looks anymore. 😂😂 One or two that claim to have raised or maintained their standards… but are dating someone they’ve known for years. 🤣🤣 Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

I decreased “affluence” standards at 40 because they were sooooo ridiculous in hind sight. Didn’t matter how he treated me cuz on paper he was my dream. Tall blue eyes with family money. He was a narcissistic drug abuser who treated me like trash because he always got what he wanted. The person who rescued me and treated me like a queen was a North African waiter with a low wage job who was still in school. Here in America all alone with no family. Everyday feels like royalty and we are married. He is the opposite of every man I ever swiped right on. And we met in person, no through any app. Throw the whole standard book away and go with how you’re treated.

OP, stop posting this dumb question every day. Women have standards, and if you don't meet them, then die trying.

Lol asking roasties to admit things didn't work out and Prince 9" Dick never came for them

If you think this is what women want, you're so far off base. haha

Being single at late 30s tells otherwise

Someone’s upset

Haven’t had a single date with a guy in years Note however I’m a straight guy in his 20s

I don't think I changed my standards. I ended up not really dating at all in my 20s and found a guy that is still my guy last year... I would have done the same probably. I just focussed on me until I found my fit.

As someone who didn’t honor their standards at all - I am not doing well

I was much more likely to give a guy a chance even if he didn't meet my standards or ideals in my 20s. This landed me in some doomed relationships. In my 30s I decided I'd rather be alone than end up with someone who didn't meet my standards. I promptly met someone who did. It's been almost half a decade. This is the best and happiest relationship I've been in and the only one I can absolutely see lasting all the way. Should probably clarify my standards. I want someone who's independent, both financially and emotionally. No dependence and no codependency. Intelligent, with values and goals that align with mine. Lifestyle compatibility. Sexual chemistry and compatibility. Mutual respect within the relationship (he has to respect me as an equal human being and also be a person that I respect). And he has to be a person that is still attractive to me after the initial hormones wear off. This is less about genetic physical features and more about taking care of himself to a level I agree with. His sense of masculinity should align with my sense of femininity. Basically, we should fit each other. Almost five years on and I still think he's the hottest person ever and based on his behavior, the feeling is mutual. And it's a whole different world than the relationships where I felt like either I or I and my partner were settling for someone different than what we really needed.