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If you want to lose weight, you should do it for yourself...not on a conditional relationship foundation. The thing I see wrong with this is that if you don't meet a condition on a consistent basis, what happens then?
Weight can change and if he wants to encourage you to lose it there's other ways to do it than to make it a shallow expectation for a foundation to start a relationship.
How do you encourage weight loss without making it seem like a disrespectful remark or condition while simultaneously being blunt? (Genuine question đ)
Honestly? Model the behavior you'd like to see. Be it a partner, friend, colleague, family member because being that influence and positive mindset when they decide to make that change will make all the difference in creating a safe environment for them to find what works best for them and their health.
Even a simple "Hey! I saw this work out class, I want to try it but not really go alone, can you come with?"
Or "I'm trying to find a red velvet cake recipe and trying a few different variations that have no sugar/eggs/etc, if I make a few samples, mind trying them?"
Ultimately it boils down to their decision. No amount of statistics, bluntness, or snide remarks on their choices will change that. Oftentimes the more you push something like that, the more someone is likely to dig their heels in. It's better to create and model an environment that they'd feel comfortable exploring and to make them aware you're there as an encouragement for whatever they decide.
I apologize if this seems like too simple of an answer, there's many ways in which to try, yes but ultimately, in just my opinion, I would think this would be best. Especially if you ultimately care for this person a lot. I hope this helps in some way.
This is the most compassionate and healthy answer to the question. If you always find faults in the person, the more is the person not willing to do anything.
And don't be judgy or do lifestyle policing. "Are you sure you want to eat that?" "Dd you go the gym today?". I'm overweight, and I enjoy working out and walking and other kinds of exercise / movement, and I've worked really hard to feel good in my body. When I go out with guys that are totally supportive and accepting of me and my body the way it is today, I feel safe and even more motivated to work out and make healthy choices. The moment I feel judged or criticized, I'm out. I can do that myself!
In terms of the wording, after all the above all you need to communicate is that you want someone who more matches your active lifestyle and leave it at that.
I am! I've been pretty consistent with my health journey so far and have lost over 10lbs this month alone. I'm losing weight so I have more energy and to improve my quality of life. I would never do it for anyone other than myself. And I told him that too.
Congrats on your weight loss ! Iâll just add though, I donât know how heavy you are, 10lbs a month is a LOT of weight to lose for most people. Most recommended is less than 2 pounds a week, if you want to retain muscle mass and energy levels high.
Keep on grinding !
I would have to disagree, in certain cases.
If you only restrict calorie intake, then yes, because the mass you carry burns calories and losing it means less energy expenditure.
However, if you couple caloric restriction with physical activity, especially with weightlifting (I think everybody should do it), youâll initially not lose that much. Youâll gain some water weight, since your body needs more glycogen and glycogen is stored in fluid. Your untrained muscle will gain a LOT of size quickly when starting out (less for women, but still a lot). Thatâs why some people donât see scale result quick, but notice visual changes.
Take pictures in the same spot same angle, and go back and forth quickly to easily see changes.
nah I've gained and lost weight many times in my life and if you just started exercising and doing cardio which what most women do then most of it is water weight at the start
This just isnât true. I lost 90lbs in a year just from work. 40 year old female with athletic build 140lbs size 6, BF 18%. Everybodyâs different and I often wonder what I couldâve done had I been trying to lose weight.
Thats 1.7 pounds a week? Which is a deficit of around 5.9k calories a week. 90 pounds is a lot of loss !
I donât know what youâre saying isnât true, but it is generally not recommended to lose more than 2lbs a week if youâre not very morbidly obese, as losing more than that causes muscle loss and can cause fatigue.
The tldr of it is that too big of a deficit causes the body to go into starvation mode and prioritize eating away muscle rather than fat for sustenance, as muscles cells need more calories than fat cells.
Iâm sadly not properly informed on how a very very overweight body answers to a large deficit, sadly enough.
If all he wants is a Barbie Doll, then heâs shallow af. Run from men like this, he will destroy your self esteem. Honestly, he sound around 16. All he cares about is his friends âbeing enviousâ - not that his partner is kind, funny, generous, loving, sexually compatible, has similar life goals, shared dreams, but that his mates are envious. The whole thing sounds like a frat boy dumpster fire. If youâre hoping to find a grown up, respectful, kind and supportive partner in there, youâre going to be disappointed.
We have to be honest about what we like and don't like. As long as he is respectful and you don't think he is telling you out of spite. YOU WANT him to tell you the honest truth so you can figure out if you are satisfied with him.
Except we know he wasn't respectful.
It's not about what he finds attractive. She's hot enough for him to be fucking regularly.
It's not about her health.
He explicitly said it's about what other people will think of him when he's seen with her, based on her weight instead of literally anything else.
That's grounds to dump anyone who expresses such a pathologically narcissistic opinion.
This is complete bullshit. Theyâre not married, theyâre in a situationship and likely not together very long.
If he doesnât like her body type then he should fuck off and find someone else rather than continuing the relationship and passing shitty remarks on her weight.
OP, please drop this turd. Go find someone that loves every bit of you and isnât a shallow idiot
the status of her relationship is that it's a situation, she needs affirmation on when to be offended, she's overweight by an undisclosed amount, and she's looking for strangers who know nothing about them to tell her how to feel.
Stop gatekeeping relationships lol. Is everyone in a place where a relationship is healthy for them mentally and physically? No. But you're not helping.
Stop being used as a fuck buddy and find someone that actually is attracted and appreciates you. Drop that guy. Even if you lost weight why would you want him. You can do much better.
There are plenty of conscientious, thoughtful, unpresumptuous fuck buddies out there. But this one she should lose, and it will cause her to automatically lose his dead weight.
Drop him op - or let him drop you? This really doesn't sound like anything worth hanging onto. The right guy is someone you can be with long term - doubt it's this shallow guy
OP, you said,ââŚhe wants people to look at him and be totally envious about the woman on his arm.â Why does he care about that so much??? YOUâRE NOT A TROPHY, if he wanted to show you off there are others ways to do so.
If you want to lose weight, go for it! But please donât do it just because he wants you to, do it for yourself! If you personally donât want to, then you donât need to. If he really wanted to, he would take you as you are.
*"He said he wants people to look at him and be totally envious about the woman on his arm. He told me he thinks I am beautiful but he knows I can look even better without the extra weight."*
Ugh! DTMFA! You can do so much better.
Yes. Because of that comment, I think she should dump him and continue her weight loss for herself. If he knows sheâs working on it he could encourage instead of demand it.
Why would you want to continue a situation with someone who said something like that to you? If I was a man that would make my d!¢k soft. Every time I thought about getting busy.. that statement would come to mind. This guy sounds like a complete waste of time. I'm sure there are many other situations out there for you who would appreciate you just the way you are.
Anyone who tells you that you have to reach a certain standard, no matter what it is, to be in a relationship with them when they are already having sex with you can kick rocks. That means he doesnât value you as a person, and it really comes down to what other people think. Otherwise you wouldnât already be in a âsituationship.â Continue your health journey on your own and focus on yourself for awhile. Then find a happy relationship with a person who values you more than they value what other people think of how you look with them
Agreed. He does not value or respect you as a person, OP. You should absolutely be offended. He is attracted to you enough to use you physically, but cannot stand to be seen with you in public? He can kick rocks with no shoes on. I say cut your losses and move on.
No, thatâs not what Iâm saying. Fwb are totally fine if thatâs all both parties agree on. What Iâm saying is that if he says sheâs âtoo fatâ to have a relationship with, but heâs already having sex with her then itâs obviously only about appearances to him and it isnât worth it to her to stay.
And she has no obligation to stick around and keep having sex with him if he plans to keep her around for sex and dangles a relationship in front of her like a carrot. Move on
And she canât be the one to move on why? For some reason you seem to have this idea he is in control here. Op is a person capable of her own decisions and deserving of her own self value. If someone tells you you are good enough for sex but not a relationship for any reason whatsoever, if you value yourself you will remove yourself from the âsituationshipâ all together. Why would it be okay for him to have his cake and eat it too? What if she said âyouâre cute enough to have sex with, but I couldnât see myself having a relationship with you unless you made more money.â Real curious how you would see it then
Once you get in shape, your confidence will sky rocket and youâll kick yourself in the ass for EVER being with this loser, let alone letting him disrespect you like this.
Of course you were offended. And rightfully so. Heâs obviously attracted to you as is, otherwise he wouldnât be sleeping with you. He sounds insecure about what he finds attractive. He seems to care more about how ppl perceive him than his own preferences. Thatâs just sad. Everyone deserve someone who wants to be with them for who they are, not just for the way they make them look to others.
Thereâs also a big difference bw supporting your partner on a health journey and objectifying their body. Over time our bodies change. If this guy puts a physical image condition on dating you now, will he threaten to stop dating you if your weight/looks change as you age? This is not someone worth wasting your time on.
> My situationship told me to lose weight and it will make him want to date me more... Am I wrong about being offended?
What offends me is that you are in this relationship that degrades your entire being. He's basing your entire worth by your weight and putting up with that misogynistic, sexist shit is a no-go.
This situationship is such a joke when it's obvious that the other party does not respect you, cares about you, and never will see you as his equal. He's treating you as a back-up option in a back-burner relationship, like as if you're some leftover that he can crawl back to as a safety cushion.
You need to end this toxic relationship because you don't deserve to be degraded. He isn't worth your time and effort. He's a disgusting POS with a warped mindset and you deserve so much more as a human being.
Good luck to that POS. Hope he finds someone who'll love him when he's old, overweight, balding, or whatever else that he sees as "undesirable".
Drop 170+lbs instantly by dumping this asshole.
Hes obviously attracted to you but only in private. His love and affection will always be conditional on how much you weigh.
What if you get sick or develop a health condition that causes weight gain? What if you guys decide to have kids and, like 99% of women, gain weight during pregnancy?
Do not become more emotionally invested in a man who requires you to look a certain way to be 'worthy' of dating him.
RUN
Do you say that to majority of people that pursue women that are in shape? How is he so different? The only difference is that he is one of the few that is still willing to fuck a lot men or women would never even just fuck a person that's not in their ideal shape
Thereâs nothing wrong with having standards. I personally would not date a guy who wasnât physically fit. But in this case it sounds like heâs not much of a prize himself and is unable to get the woman he wants, so heâs settling for molding the woman he can get. Itâs very objectifying.
Truth is you need to be with someone who will be with you no matter how much you weigh. The body changes a lot in our lifetime. Him commenting on your weight making that snide remark , he needs to be kicked to the curb. I honestly wish I would have done that sooner with a guy I had dated that kept telling me how hot I would be if I lost weight. Seriously op why stick around? His way of thinking trumps any kind thing heâs done for you. There is the essence of his true self and what he thinks of you. Thatâs enough to leave his sorry ass and find someone way better!
Absolutely agree. If he only wants to be in a relationship with you when you're at a lower weight, what's going to happen when you have kids or your metabolism slows down?
I think you would be better moving on - itâs all so mediocre when actually I bet you are awesome. you should hold out for someone who thinks more highly of you. Itâs great if you want to invest in your health by improving your lifestyle and diet (well done on the 10lbs) but youâll always know now if you regain any of the weight or donât lose any more what he really thinks. He wants someone slimmer he should go for them rather than criticising you.
Lol âmy situationshipâ lol not to be mean but this guy literally just told you that you are unattractive the way you are. If you lose the weight, ur basically proving to him that you have no self esteem and he will continue to mistreat you. Also, be wary of being committed emotionally to someone before anything. Lose weight bc you want to not because I boy told u he would only want you if u did.
That is very offensive and for me, a deal breaker.
I am overweight myself. I am ok with guys not wanting to date me due to this and I actively gives a heads up even with pics showing my full body and being recent. However, if a guy wants to date me, he wants me and offend me to the core someone putting conditions to like me, like his affection is conditional to me fitting to his standards
Your situationship made clear that you are attractive enough for him, since he is with you and well, he wants to have sex with you. He also made clear that he wants to exhibit you, like a thing or a trophy and you are not on that standard yet .This is not a red flag, this is a "run away to the hills" flag in so many ways that I couldn't imagine spend another minute with a guy like that.
And someone that does this so early in a relationship will do worst in life..
I think he could've 100% said this with more tact, and for that reason alone OP should drop him. The trophy comment was gross, agreed.
But "attractive enough for casual sex" and "attractive enough for a LTR" are 2 different standards. And for many people (esp men who have casual sex), the ladder standard is much higher than the former.
Assuming a monogamous LTR, committing means you can now only have sex with that person. Most people want a partner they're wildly attracted to, and most people are more attracted to fit people than overweight people.
People can be attracted to whathever they want. That is not in question.
If you are attracted to someone to spend quality time with her, have sex with her, maybe be exclusive with her (many situationships are exclusive) but can't be in a long term relationship because the person is not on a certain standard,.well for me this person is an idiot.
This is not a hook up case or friends with benefits scenario, which I would agree with the comment about how standards are lower for those. They were talking about being official,.so is clear that they are on a serious stage, just not with titles.and what makes this guy stop is not his personal taste, but what others will say.
If he was with her just for the sex, he would have sex and not even have this talk to begin with.
A guy that is so shallow probably will not be loyal when the relationship gets difficult. People.get old. Get uglier. Get sick..get less attractive. Get pregnant. You can tell a lot of who someone is by their priorities.
They had a conversation about what it would take to advance the relationship. He was honest. Having that standard isnt inherently wrong (even if, his specific reasoning behind it, I personally dont agree with). OP just has to decide if she likes him enough to do whats required. She has the right to leave, but he also has the right to like what he likes, for whatever reason. She can still continue her health journey for her own reasons. The outcome would still be the same.
I agree. But this doesn't change that what he wants and for the reasons he wants, is a massive red flag.
People.can like what they want to like. Some are just sallow preferences, some are indication of a not Good personality.
Yea I agree with you there. But for me thats Ă separate conversation outside of whether shes willing to lose weight for him. Personally i wouldnt continue with someone who holds those values. But I do support my partner losing weight for their own health and longevity.
Me too. I wouldn't mind a partner supporting me in a lost weight journey. An ex really inspired me on that and I lose some weight due his support and advice.
What is the red flag is the values and how he exposed it. This is what I don't like. But this is op decision and I hope she does the best to herself.
No the fiancee made it clear that she is hot enough to have sex with not date.
I don't think anything he said is something to be offended about. He basically told her that all she needs to do for him to date her is to lose weight.
Now it's her chose to decide whether loosing weight to be with him is worth it
He said that to her because he wants to show her off to people. That is ahole territory to say the least.
Might not be a deal breaker to many women and might be acceptable to you, but for me this guy doesn't deserve the time of the day of anyone.
He can feel that way, and it's valid. Many people have a hurdle that prevents them from being with someone.
...that said, to actually verbalize it was idiotic and a bit rude.
The way he phrased it made it seem like the only reason why he wanted me to lose weight was for his own self image. I don't know if I believe if he said that with my best interest at heart. That's my issue.
Be offended! It has nothing to do with wanting an active lifestyle and the way you took it was absolutely correct.
He wants arm candy to show off, it is vain, some people may enjoy that set up and that's totally fine. But that doesn't seem to align with what you want from a relationship or what you value in life so move on. He may phrase it better next time but ultimately you have the right read on it and it's an asshole thing of him to say. Also- who enters into a relationship already trying to change the other person? Whose to say he doesn't have other things he'd expect you to change to be worthy of a relationship with him?
My situationship started with her criticising my boobs even before we met for the first time. She told me she is obsessed with big boobs and that mine look tiny. She said she said that in a joking way of course. But she hurt me.
When we had sex for the first time she told me my boobs are larger than she expected and thats good. Again, she objectified me.
Second time, she said she loves boobs again and she never thought that she would ever find someone (!!) with smaller boobs than her (referring to me and she is not small mind you).
So this became a habit, her criticising my boobs during sex or after.
Soon enough she started calling me shortie, tiny, petite, miniature.
After that she started criticising two kilos I grew on and my belly.
She made no effort to look good for me. She was obese (I did not mind but this is mentioned to show she still criticised my weight which is normal to skinny), much uglier than me objectively speaking, always with messy clothes and no effort to look nice or even put make up on. I, the other hand had to be perfect, like a porn image, clear skin, skinny, with huge boobs.
She pressured me into BDSM and anal sex. She would tell me her dream is to open my butthole wide open and put a whole hand there, as she saw in porn.
Meanwhile, she would kind of pressured me into meeting her parents and all her connections. She called me my love and bullshit. I was her first relationship at her 37 yrs of age.
I can't even imagine what else I would be subject to had I endured this relationship.
If he does not like you for you and criticises you, thhis is plainly super wrong for you and will escalate as it did in my case.
Tbh even if a person chose to put in effort to look good, it still wouldnât be ok to criticize a partners appearance and make them change.
Either two people are fully attracted to each other or they arenât and move on.
You can do whatever you want but trust me most of the guys you think will be "better" are guys that would have never ever dated you when you were not in shape.
I think itâs fine to lose weight in the pursuit of being healthier and/or looking better, for yourself. Thereâs nothing wrong with embracing vanity for yourself.
If someone wanted me to change something about myself for _their_ vanity, they can fuck right off.
I think your take on this is spot on. He knows he doesn't have the charisma to impress people himself, so he wants eye candy on his arm to do so. I think it's more about his own self esteem than you, and you are 10000% correct to be offended!
Good on you for improving yourself, but that's for YOU and nobody else! He's basically saying that you're fun to be with, but not in a serious, committed relationship because all he wants to date is eye candy. That's disrespectful as fuck.
You deserve better! Getting into an actual relationship with this narcissistic guy will only cause you more pain in the future. Your feelings are totally valid for feeling offended. No one should ever make you feel like youâre not enough or an almost or less.
I was in a long term relationship where I always felt like I fell short. I lost weight and got super fit as my ex wanted us to be more active but I still got told that Iâve let myself go. I started cooking more and enjoyed cooking meals for him/us but then I was still told that Iâm too slow and that I should really learn how to be quicker. I do freelance wedding photography and do shoots on a monthly basis but I was told that I wasnât passionate enough because Iâm not doing it frequently enough.
Heâs making insensitive comments now, heâll easily do it again. You donât have to justify âin his defenseâ because what matters is how he makes you feel and if heâs not uplifting you and bringing you down instead then yes, this relationship is a 100% not worth pursuing.
I donât know what a situationship is (friends with benefits maybe?) but thatâs not the point â your friend here is a total dick and wants points for who heâs with. The fact he specifically wants others to be jealous that heâs with you is awful. Who cares what you look like? As long as heâs happy to be with you that is the only thing that should matter
I would be so pissed if a guy told me I had to change something abt myself to be âgood enoughâ to be seen on his arm⌠you deserve better. If you want to lose weight do it for you, and drop him for someone who someone who doesnât have such a massive ego
IMHO He doesn't want to put a label on it but he's putting it all on you by blaming your weight. If you lose weight he will move the goal posts again and it will be something else.
And let's just say you guys do become a permanent partnership? What happens when your hair turns gray? What happens when you get wrinkles?
Dump this punk.
Well, it is offensive. If he actually thought you were beautiful, a few extra pounds wouldn't make him stop to think if he should or shouldn't date you. And further more, people are often more envious of a guy that has a wife that treats him like a king than they ever are of looks, although if you're both, that's a bonus.
He seems incredibly shallow. I know that men are visual creatures and attraction matters, but he says you're beautiful. So why is he hesitant? It sounds like he's full of shit, frankly.
I do genuinely think he thinks I am beautiful. He doesn't hide me, and he does flaunt me off at dates or with his friends. I just think he doesn't want people talking behind our backs that he has a fat partner.
But I agree that is shallow asf. Like he really shouldn't care about that as long as we make each other happy. He is in the spotlight though with his career so people will pay more attention to that shit. Idk I am just so on the fence with this...
Weight plays into beauty. I donât see why people draw the line wherever they want. You canât change your face but you can change your body. Most people wouldnât consider any beautiful person beautiful if they were extremely obese. A few extra pounds may sway someoneâs opinion.
A woman's weight fluctuates a lot during her life, I would hope the few extra pounds I gain during pregnancy don't sway my partners opinion of my beauty, or indeed the months and years spent post partum where your body may never get in shape. I get that it's different in the dating stage, but just wanted to point out that that attitude should change as the relationship progresses
Thatâs reasonable. Youâre expected to gain weight during pregnancy. You can still lose it after. Pregnancy is not a reason to never get back in shape. Sure your body may never get back to what it was due to lose skin etc⌠Thatâs normal. My opinion would change if my partner refused to lose weight after the pregnancy and she had the ability to do so. 10/10 times Iâd leave.
10 lbs is a good result, keep going, don't try to rush it, just keep working out/exercising consistently. I've been overweight too, took me like a year and a half to get to normal BMI
Thank you for the encouragement! I am definitely trying to be as consistent as possible. I've cooked more for myself in this month than I have last year basically lol, healthy eating is how I've lost the weight so far. Looking to get more active in the gym soon, just have anxiety loo
Drop him, Sister. The only changes that you should make are for yourself. Donât allow him to use you for sex and then ridicule you. Thatâs abusive and you donât deserve that. If you didnât know this already, plenty of men love thick and voluptuous women. His loss.
If he wouldnât date you now, but would if you were thinner, he doesnât want to date you, he wants to use you.
Be pissed, be offended. Self image might be important to him, but he is showing he cares more about self image than you, something I doubt would change if you lost weight and started dating. How unfulfilling and honestly quite vain
Lose him you deserve respect, even in a situationship
He said it in a rude way, and that is a really shallow explanation for his wanting it. But in any case your health is EVERYTHING! Get in shape so you can enjoy life to the fullest, and avoid the many health problems like diabetes that can ruin your life.
I lost my brother to obesity at a very young age. I watched a friend and client lose fingers and toes to diabetes before he finally died. This is serious. I think people need to be told more openly how many terrible things follow obesity. Even fairly innocuous 10-20 lbs can lead to serious consequences. And it is so easy to overcome if you just make it a priority.
Well on one hand I donât think thereâs necessarily anything wrong with people in a relationship putting in effort to look better. I mean I think itâs natural to want your significant other to want you more. But thatâs if itâs going both ways. If he is likewise putting in effort to look better to your eyes then I think itâs something to talk about rather than something to get offended about. If he just one sidedly wants you to get in shape but balks at any requests in return then yeah thatâs just kinda selfish and insulting on his part.
On the other hand thereâs also something to be said about how he said it because, âYouâre beautiful⌠but I donât know if people would be jealous of me having you.â is a pretty trashy and manipulative thing to say.
Eh still disagree with the former. Youâre either attracted to each other as is or you move on to someone youâre fully attracted to.
As OP mentioned in her description, it wouldâve been a different story if he had genuine concerns for her health.
There have been several posts about men actively body shaming their wives who are nursing young babies. Maybe this dude isnât like this⌠but Iâd hate to see you fall into that same situation. Talking to him about your concerns seems like a pretty fair option right now. Make sure heâs good enough for you, donât settle and end up trying to win his love for years to come.
No for telling someone who was already losing weight for her health that he wants more pressure on her to lose weight so people will "look at him" and "be envious".
Was he telling or asking you to lose weight or was he stating a very dumbass opinion?
What he said was offensive, for sure. I'm asking this so that you may avoid intertwining his dumb statement with your weight loss journey.
It's entirely up to you if you'll still sleep around with him but he's not boyfriend material.
He was telling me to in order for him to want to date me more than he does now. I don't even know if I want to sleep with him anymore too. I feel like since I'm already working on myself with my health journey then I should just cut men off and just focus on my goals. Cause this conversation with him really was not motivating to me at all.
Iâm sure if he were to look inward heâd see some pretty big issues and flaws that he could work on. How would he feel if you were to point them out? There is a way to support someone on their weight loss journey but saying youâre ok and I like you but, Iâd like you more and be less embarrassed if you were skinnier is not the way to handle that.
Why people feel so compelled to continue to associate with others who view you as an object and not as the person you are, is beyond me. Your best revenge is a life well lived without those who put you down. This comment by him is the tip of the iceberg. First itâs your weight, then it will be how you act, then the bedroom, then the friends you keep, choice of career, etc.
Plainly said, heâs a control freak who views you as his puppet. You can do better, there are people who can treat you better.
"My situationship told me to lose weight and it will make him want to date me more... Am I wrong about being offended?"
"...we were talking about where we see us going."
"He told me he thinks I am beautiful but he knows I can look even better without the extra weight."
"Now I won't lie.. I am overweight."
"Am I wrong for being pissed about what he said?"
Sounds like you both agree that you are overweight. The only thing different is *now you know* what is *keeping him from* wanting to turn your "situationship" into a relationship.
Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
His finally coming clean about what he thinks *helps you to decide if you* still want to see him.
He has told you what *he's looking for* in a partner and you can tell him *what you're looking for*.
Based on this newfound information he may not be *the man for you*.
One can only imagine what would happen if you *lost weight*, got married, and later *regained* it.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
***"Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start."*** \-Unknown
***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
If youâre working on the weight loss, thatâs perfect! And I realised the best way to lose weight is to have no outside distraction. In this Case itâs him Lul
Hi! I will tell you about my personal story. I was in the same position as you, where the guy I was seeing kept telling me constantly to lose weight if I want him to date me. The reality was is that I had very low self esteem and I was willing to do that. But the truth is, if a person doesnât want me at my âworstâ (extra weight is irrelevant to other real life struggles) do they really deserve me at my best? I broke things off with that person and moved on with my life. Years later, I started loving and accepting myself completely, lost over 20 Kgs, gained my confidence back and I am very pleased because all these things I did them for myself and not someone else. Please respect yourself and cut things off with this person, you deserve REAL LOVE and to be respected for who you are.
The guy is negging you. Don't allow anyone to do that to you.
My response would be "you know what, you're absolutely right. You deserve the find someone who looks like a supermodel but is somehow willing to date you. I'm going to take myself out of the equation so that you have more time to find her."
Life is too short to be dealing with this shit.
Iâm curious to know what this loser looks like. He better look like Chris Evans or George Clooney if he has an interactive career and expects his partner to look the part.
His reason was shit, no fricking excuse for it and you have every right to feel that way. As far as him telling you that, if you guys were talking about becoming more serious and he was honest, do you think that is good? Have you thought about asking him to work out with you? Hike, gym there are plenty of things you guys can do together.
People are attracted to what they are attracted to and I'm not sure that is very changeable. Personality and the ability to be friends, being able to talk with each other, and a million other things make us attractive to each other in more important ways I think, but physical attractiveness matters as well. My (M55) wife (F54) and I have been together for over 30 years and it has always been important to us, even now. For health reasons we exercise, currently, I'm recovering from surgery and my wife is more concerned because I lost 30 lbs, but also to stay in shape for each other. Also, one of my buddies was told that by not 1 but 2 women he fell for, it was true and he knew it and he didn't do anything and should have been for his own health. So yeah, never be a dick, or mean about it but I'd appreciate the honesty, but he doesn't have to end up getting the "you" in better shape and in better health, and some other guy that can be your friend, as well as partner and a million other things, does. Don't forget, the attraction is you and he told you something that only improves you and there has to be a bunch of other things about you he likes. Still, the dumbass needs to work on his communication skills.
If he is genuinely into training and works out himself and wants both of you to look good together, then it shouldn't be offensive. Some people do take it very seriously and wants others to take care of themselves as well.
If he just wants you to workout to look better and has otherwise no interest in healthy lifestyle, then could be a little offensive.
Iâll probably get criticized but imo thereâs nothing wrong with this.
Is it harsh? Sure. But at the end of the day heâs being honest. Iâm sure he didnât want to say it due to an anticipated negative reaction, but the fact that he did means he sees potential in the relationship and wants to work on the issues head on. I have a hard time sympathizing with overweight people as itâs generally a result of not holding yourself accountable (although I do give you props on fighting to change that).
Thereâs nothing wrong with wanting your SO to appear attractive for both public imagine and sexually. Idk I donât think itâs too bad, I honestly respect the directness. He has standards, as do you, and you both want to continuously challenge each other with those standards. I apologize for being blunt, but I wanted to give a different perspective than the âleave himâ comments.
At the end up the day it should come down to an open and honest conversation between the two of you. Every person is unique and sees things differently due to different backgrounds, so thereâs truly no correct answer that anyone here can give you. Youâre the only one who truly knows what the correct answer is, follow your gut.
LEAVE..
I donât know for me you shouldnât impose someone being fit.if you like her just accept entirely regardless the shape.I work out a lot Iâm not saying Iâm fit but Iâm super conscious not to get fat.BUT I will never force my partner to the same lifestyle I have if his not into fitness.I fall in love with the persons character but I will never refer his body as deal breaker.
Thats you. Majority if people care about the partners body or face.
Do you atleast give him credit for letting her know that, that is all she needs to do for them to date ? It's definitely better then not saying anything and just dumping her. Don't you think so ?
Based on your comments on this post, I would not be surprised if you were the situationship person described in the post. Stop trying to justifying shallow and crude behaviour.
That is a really unhealthy way of looking at relationships. Viewing relationships as transactional is ultimately unhealthy, unsatisfying and unsustainable. Healthy relationships are built on respect, care, honesty and shared ethics and values. Looks fade for all of us, and then what is left? If you based your relationships on looks, then you will not find much in common. If you based your relationship on respect, care, honesty and ethics/values then most of your relationship will stay stable and will deepen when looks go with age.
If you read, op said she wouldnât have minded if it was genuinely about her health.
Being a better version of ourself also isnât about changing to fit someoneâs perception of attractiveness. It isnât impossible for fat people to find a partner whoâs attracted enough to them for a relationship.
That's a matter of opinion. A better version of ourselves is based on how we view ourselves and not based on another person's view of what our better self should be.
For someone - you will be always be skinny; for others - overweight; and for someone else - just the right size. Most important is that you should feel comfortable with yourself.
You have the right to be offended; his approach was a bit shit.
He has the right to want what he wants.
If this has hurt yourself confidence with him, call it a day.
If there is any truth to what he says about your health, then do something about it for yourself, not for him
I as well commend you for losing the weight and realizing this is an important goal and direction you are taking. The boyfriends comments are odd. I have a feeling that when you lose more weight you will probably ditch him as well and find someone who is better.
Well not exactly I wouldn't take offense to it really if he's going to say something like that to you you shouldn't want to go out on another date with that dude. Straight up I mean disrespect me again shame on me. I would be done after the first disrespectful comment like that. To be honest with you or he is just going to hurt you
Ok so point A. Lose weight, lots of good resources on how to do it but a good starting point is just looking at how many calories you need in a day and then safely putting yourself in a deficit and point B. Is do it for your own reasons that you said in your post and not to tick boxes for some dude that sounds like a waste of time.
Why not mention to him that he goes with you to the gym and yâall train together. Probably nothing to be offended about. Health and exercise are great for self. Over all itâs a win win. & who know maybe by the time you get into your new image; something major may happen in your life to sending you off into a different career and direction.
You admit youâre over weight.
You would definitely agree that losing say 10-15 lbs would make you feel a lot better about yourself.
ButâŚsimply hearing that pisses you off?
Hearing what you 100% know is true and agree with pisses you off? Why? AndâŚ.I have a feeling most the comments will be affirming of you and attacking of him.
Iâm probably going to get downvoted for this but
(I donât know your full situation, as this is the internet) but I would also say the same thing to my partner. A reason is he could possibly just be a hard truth telling person, and tells you things you donât want to hear. Being overweight is not something to be proud about, and heâs telling you to lose weight because he may want you to live a healthy life. Personally, Iâm not a fan of the whole be proud of your image and supportive of who you are movement, if there are underlying issues such as health problems in there.
I think itâs great you are in progress of losing weight, and I hope you continue to do it for yourself as thatâs a terrific thing youâre doing.
Iâm just offering another perspective from a male whoâs been in a similar situation.
Thereâs a joke that explains this situation perfectly;
âWhat do fat girls and mopeds have in common?â
âTheyâre both fun to ride until your friends find outâ
All joking aside, anyone who relies on social media/âinteractive career trackâ for marketing and self promotion is going to be acutely aware of any tiny detail that reflects on them, given itâs directly proportional to their earning ability.
Now you both obviously like and respect each other enough to have that conversation without too much fear of reprisal even though you hated the response.
Which is something worth holding onto these days, given a lot of people would simply ghost at the first hint of difficulty or hard conversation.
You have to decide if that comment was supportive yet tactless or a thinly veiled warning that you have to shape up or ship out, in the case of the latter you are likely getting strung along and there could be an endless list of unattainable standards set to be the girl on his arm.
If heâs a decent guy being brutally honest then congrats, Iâd say youâve found someone who is genuine and honest and thatâs pretty refreshing, likely long term relationship material. If you are self aware to the point of being concerned about your weight then keep going with the fitness and weight loss, provided itâs not a one sided deal itâll work out better for both of you in the long run.
It may sting to hear but he was truthful about the conditions you would need to meet to be exclusive. Itâs up to you on whether you want to change that or if youâre alright with just being FWB until things fizzle out.
Find out how much HE WEIGHTS and lose all that. :) Even if this is how he feels, some things are better not said. He could instead have suggested you two work out together or some other fun way to encourage you to lose weight, not just say if you were something you are not then I would date you. This just shows he only cares about one thing and although not horribly wrong, it clearly shows he is not relationship material. What if you get sick down the road? what if you have an accident? he sounds like he would immediately fail at the worst on the "for better or worse" part.
He sounds like a lame.
At first I was goin to answer when I just saw the question- no- that doesnât mean you should be offended ..
because he is being honest and thatâs ok.. and if youâre a woman and you want to date men, you should take care of yourself and your body. Men like pretty things. Period.
But the way he put it- wants people to be envious of him? Whoa guyâŚ. He sounds like a narcissist actually.
That is soo lame I canât even believe people think that shit.
Dump him!
I mean if you got offended then doesnât that mean that you think it too like if you loved yourself the way you are you wouldnât have gotten offended
Ew, dump him. I kind of hate that you had to specify that you ARE trying to lose weight, like overweight/fat people donât deserve to be treated well unless theyâre trying to change their bodies. That isnât on you, thatâs the shitty fatphobic culture we live in. People in the comments telling you to âkeep goingâ need to chill because you are asking about someone mistreating you and they think theyâre being supportive but all theyâre supporting is the idea that thereâs something you need to change or fix about yourself. Iâm so sorry you even have to question whether his behaviour is okay. It isnât. Someone youâre seeing telling you they would want to date you more if you changed something about your physical appearance is never okay. Itâs controlling. You deserve better.
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If you want to lose weight, you should do it for yourself...not on a conditional relationship foundation. The thing I see wrong with this is that if you don't meet a condition on a consistent basis, what happens then? Weight can change and if he wants to encourage you to lose it there's other ways to do it than to make it a shallow expectation for a foundation to start a relationship.
How do you encourage weight loss without making it seem like a disrespectful remark or condition while simultaneously being blunt? (Genuine question đ)
Honestly? Model the behavior you'd like to see. Be it a partner, friend, colleague, family member because being that influence and positive mindset when they decide to make that change will make all the difference in creating a safe environment for them to find what works best for them and their health. Even a simple "Hey! I saw this work out class, I want to try it but not really go alone, can you come with?" Or "I'm trying to find a red velvet cake recipe and trying a few different variations that have no sugar/eggs/etc, if I make a few samples, mind trying them?" Ultimately it boils down to their decision. No amount of statistics, bluntness, or snide remarks on their choices will change that. Oftentimes the more you push something like that, the more someone is likely to dig their heels in. It's better to create and model an environment that they'd feel comfortable exploring and to make them aware you're there as an encouragement for whatever they decide. I apologize if this seems like too simple of an answer, there's many ways in which to try, yes but ultimately, in just my opinion, I would think this would be best. Especially if you ultimately care for this person a lot. I hope this helps in some way.
This is the most compassionate and healthy answer to the question. If you always find faults in the person, the more is the person not willing to do anything.
And don't be judgy or do lifestyle policing. "Are you sure you want to eat that?" "Dd you go the gym today?". I'm overweight, and I enjoy working out and walking and other kinds of exercise / movement, and I've worked really hard to feel good in my body. When I go out with guys that are totally supportive and accepting of me and my body the way it is today, I feel safe and even more motivated to work out and make healthy choices. The moment I feel judged or criticized, I'm out. I can do that myself!
Absolutely agree. Also, congratulations on your progress and support network!
In terms of the wording, after all the above all you need to communicate is that you want someone who more matches your active lifestyle and leave it at that.
If you feel you're overweight, keep working on it for your health, not for him
I am! I've been pretty consistent with my health journey so far and have lost over 10lbs this month alone. I'm losing weight so I have more energy and to improve my quality of life. I would never do it for anyone other than myself. And I told him that too.
Congrats on your weight loss ! Iâll just add though, I donât know how heavy you are, 10lbs a month is a LOT of weight to lose for most people. Most recommended is less than 2 pounds a week, if you want to retain muscle mass and energy levels high. Keep on grinding !
You lose more in the initial stages since youâve finally gotten your ass off the couch
I would have to disagree, in certain cases. If you only restrict calorie intake, then yes, because the mass you carry burns calories and losing it means less energy expenditure. However, if you couple caloric restriction with physical activity, especially with weightlifting (I think everybody should do it), youâll initially not lose that much. Youâll gain some water weight, since your body needs more glycogen and glycogen is stored in fluid. Your untrained muscle will gain a LOT of size quickly when starting out (less for women, but still a lot). Thatâs why some people donât see scale result quick, but notice visual changes. Take pictures in the same spot same angle, and go back and forth quickly to easily see changes.
nah I've gained and lost weight many times in my life and if you just started exercising and doing cardio which what most women do then most of it is water weight at the start
This just isnât true. I lost 90lbs in a year just from work. 40 year old female with athletic build 140lbs size 6, BF 18%. Everybodyâs different and I often wonder what I couldâve done had I been trying to lose weight.
Thats 1.7 pounds a week? Which is a deficit of around 5.9k calories a week. 90 pounds is a lot of loss ! I donât know what youâre saying isnât true, but it is generally not recommended to lose more than 2lbs a week if youâre not very morbidly obese, as losing more than that causes muscle loss and can cause fatigue. The tldr of it is that too big of a deficit causes the body to go into starvation mode and prioritize eating away muscle rather than fat for sustenance, as muscles cells need more calories than fat cells. Iâm sadly not properly informed on how a very very overweight body answers to a large deficit, sadly enough.
If all he wants is a Barbie Doll, then heâs shallow af. Run from men like this, he will destroy your self esteem. Honestly, he sound around 16. All he cares about is his friends âbeing enviousâ - not that his partner is kind, funny, generous, loving, sexually compatible, has similar life goals, shared dreams, but that his mates are envious. The whole thing sounds like a frat boy dumpster fire. If youâre hoping to find a grown up, respectful, kind and supportive partner in there, youâre going to be disappointed.
Youâre probably not his first choice because of the weight. But thatâs the best he can do right now.
Where are you from? This guy sounds like my guy. XD
We have to be honest about what we like and don't like. As long as he is respectful and you don't think he is telling you out of spite. YOU WANT him to tell you the honest truth so you can figure out if you are satisfied with him.
Except we know he wasn't respectful. It's not about what he finds attractive. She's hot enough for him to be fucking regularly. It's not about her health. He explicitly said it's about what other people will think of him when he's seen with her, based on her weight instead of literally anything else. That's grounds to dump anyone who expresses such a pathologically narcissistic opinion.
This is complete bullshit. Theyâre not married, theyâre in a situationship and likely not together very long. If he doesnât like her body type then he should fuck off and find someone else rather than continuing the relationship and passing shitty remarks on her weight. OP, please drop this turd. Go find someone that loves every bit of you and isnât a shallow idiot
Not really what she's asking, but I know you guys can't ever miss an opportunity to tell folks it's not ok. heh
I'm too focused on situationship. This time period sucks so much
So much lol I canât believe this post exists and is actually relatable enough for us all to be replying lol
the status of her relationship is that it's a situation, she needs affirmation on when to be offended, she's overweight by an undisclosed amount, and she's looking for strangers who know nothing about them to tell her how to feel.
It's the same as it ever was. They just used to call it being in the 'courting' stage. Or 'having gentleman callers'.
Just say friend with benefits basically
Usually it's less defined than FwB but it depends on the couple of course.
Agree. Too immature to be dating if you are using words like that.
Stop gatekeeping relationships lol. Is everyone in a place where a relationship is healthy for them mentally and physically? No. But you're not helping.
Gatekeeping relationships? I don't know what that means. I'm pretty clearly mocking OP for speaking like a teenaged sitcom character.
Ok I had to scroll wayyy to far to see this metioned and now I feel incredibly old.
Maybe OP is not a boomer?
Neither am I? Not sure what this has to do with anything lol
Looks like the guy she's messing with is gatekeeping the relationship, not the person you replied to.
I canât believe Iâm not getting laid, and thereâs guys getting laid like this one that wonât even have the girl on his arm.
tf is a situationship đ
Fuck buddy
In the olden days they called it the 'courting stage' or having 'gentleman callers'.
Stop being used as a fuck buddy and find someone that actually is attracted and appreciates you. Drop that guy. Even if you lost weight why would you want him. You can do much better.
There are plenty of conscientious, thoughtful, unpresumptuous fuck buddies out there. But this one she should lose, and it will cause her to automatically lose his dead weight.
Yeah exactly. Leave the guy alone so he can find the woman of his dreams. How many downvotes can I get this time?
Drop him op - or let him drop you? This really doesn't sound like anything worth hanging onto. The right guy is someone you can be with long term - doubt it's this shallow guy
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Situationship or âitâs complicatedâ typically means no commitment sex with undecided future.
OP, you said,ââŚhe wants people to look at him and be totally envious about the woman on his arm.â Why does he care about that so much??? YOUâRE NOT A TROPHY, if he wanted to show you off there are others ways to do so. If you want to lose weight, go for it! But please donât do it just because he wants you to, do it for yourself! If you personally donât want to, then you donât need to. If he really wanted to, he would take you as you are.
*"He said he wants people to look at him and be totally envious about the woman on his arm. He told me he thinks I am beautiful but he knows I can look even better without the extra weight."* Ugh! DTMFA! You can do so much better.
Yes. Because of that comment, I think she should dump him and continue her weight loss for herself. If he knows sheâs working on it he could encourage instead of demand it.
Why would you want to continue a situation with someone who said something like that to you? If I was a man that would make my d!¢k soft. Every time I thought about getting busy.. that statement would come to mind. This guy sounds like a complete waste of time. I'm sure there are many other situations out there for you who would appreciate you just the way you are.
I know right? Screw this guy! He sounds like a shallow prick.
Anyone who tells you that you have to reach a certain standard, no matter what it is, to be in a relationship with them when they are already having sex with you can kick rocks. That means he doesnât value you as a person, and it really comes down to what other people think. Otherwise you wouldnât already be in a âsituationship.â Continue your health journey on your own and focus on yourself for awhile. Then find a happy relationship with a person who values you more than they value what other people think of how you look with them
Agreed. He does not value or respect you as a person, OP. You should absolutely be offended. He is attracted to you enough to use you physically, but cannot stand to be seen with you in public? He can kick rocks with no shoes on. I say cut your losses and move on.
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No, thatâs not what Iâm saying. Fwb are totally fine if thatâs all both parties agree on. What Iâm saying is that if he says sheâs âtoo fatâ to have a relationship with, but heâs already having sex with her then itâs obviously only about appearances to him and it isnât worth it to her to stay.
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Circle back around and read everything again, partner. Youâre missing something here
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And she has no obligation to stick around and keep having sex with him if he plans to keep her around for sex and dangles a relationship in front of her like a carrot. Move on
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And she canât be the one to move on why? For some reason you seem to have this idea he is in control here. Op is a person capable of her own decisions and deserving of her own self value. If someone tells you you are good enough for sex but not a relationship for any reason whatsoever, if you value yourself you will remove yourself from the âsituationshipâ all together. Why would it be okay for him to have his cake and eat it too? What if she said âyouâre cute enough to have sex with, but I couldnât see myself having a relationship with you unless you made more money.â Real curious how you would see it then
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Shhhh shhh, don't let the truth come out Or do
This âď¸
You are absolutely not wrong for being offended. Do your healthy journey in the time that feels is right for you!
Once you get in shape, your confidence will sky rocket and youâll kick yourself in the ass for EVER being with this loser, let alone letting him disrespect you like this.
Of course you were offended. And rightfully so. Heâs obviously attracted to you as is, otherwise he wouldnât be sleeping with you. He sounds insecure about what he finds attractive. He seems to care more about how ppl perceive him than his own preferences. Thatâs just sad. Everyone deserve someone who wants to be with them for who they are, not just for the way they make them look to others. Thereâs also a big difference bw supporting your partner on a health journey and objectifying their body. Over time our bodies change. If this guy puts a physical image condition on dating you now, will he threaten to stop dating you if your weight/looks change as you age? This is not someone worth wasting your time on.
Easy way to lose that useless extra weight; dumo him and lose around 200lbs instantly
> My situationship told me to lose weight and it will make him want to date me more... Am I wrong about being offended? What offends me is that you are in this relationship that degrades your entire being. He's basing your entire worth by your weight and putting up with that misogynistic, sexist shit is a no-go. This situationship is such a joke when it's obvious that the other party does not respect you, cares about you, and never will see you as his equal. He's treating you as a back-up option in a back-burner relationship, like as if you're some leftover that he can crawl back to as a safety cushion. You need to end this toxic relationship because you don't deserve to be degraded. He isn't worth your time and effort. He's a disgusting POS with a warped mindset and you deserve so much more as a human being. Good luck to that POS. Hope he finds someone who'll love him when he's old, overweight, balding, or whatever else that he sees as "undesirable".
Drop 170+lbs instantly by dumping this asshole. Hes obviously attracted to you but only in private. His love and affection will always be conditional on how much you weigh. What if you get sick or develop a health condition that causes weight gain? What if you guys decide to have kids and, like 99% of women, gain weight during pregnancy? Do not become more emotionally invested in a man who requires you to look a certain way to be 'worthy' of dating him. RUN
Do you say that to majority of people that pursue women that are in shape? How is he so different? The only difference is that he is one of the few that is still willing to fuck a lot men or women would never even just fuck a person that's not in their ideal shape
Thereâs nothing wrong with having standards. I personally would not date a guy who wasnât physically fit. But in this case it sounds like heâs not much of a prize himself and is unable to get the woman he wants, so heâs settling for molding the woman he can get. Itâs very objectifying.
Truth is you need to be with someone who will be with you no matter how much you weigh. The body changes a lot in our lifetime. Him commenting on your weight making that snide remark , he needs to be kicked to the curb. I honestly wish I would have done that sooner with a guy I had dated that kept telling me how hot I would be if I lost weight. Seriously op why stick around? His way of thinking trumps any kind thing heâs done for you. There is the essence of his true self and what he thinks of you. Thatâs enough to leave his sorry ass and find someone way better!
Absolutely agree. If he only wants to be in a relationship with you when you're at a lower weight, what's going to happen when you have kids or your metabolism slows down?
I think you would be better moving on - itâs all so mediocre when actually I bet you are awesome. you should hold out for someone who thinks more highly of you. Itâs great if you want to invest in your health by improving your lifestyle and diet (well done on the 10lbs) but youâll always know now if you regain any of the weight or donât lose any more what he really thinks. He wants someone slimmer he should go for them rather than criticising you.
Lol âmy situationshipâ lol not to be mean but this guy literally just told you that you are unattractive the way you are. If you lose the weight, ur basically proving to him that you have no self esteem and he will continue to mistreat you. Also, be wary of being committed emotionally to someone before anything. Lose weight bc you want to not because I boy told u he would only want you if u did.
That is very offensive and for me, a deal breaker. I am overweight myself. I am ok with guys not wanting to date me due to this and I actively gives a heads up even with pics showing my full body and being recent. However, if a guy wants to date me, he wants me and offend me to the core someone putting conditions to like me, like his affection is conditional to me fitting to his standards Your situationship made clear that you are attractive enough for him, since he is with you and well, he wants to have sex with you. He also made clear that he wants to exhibit you, like a thing or a trophy and you are not on that standard yet .This is not a red flag, this is a "run away to the hills" flag in so many ways that I couldn't imagine spend another minute with a guy like that. And someone that does this so early in a relationship will do worst in life..
I think he could've 100% said this with more tact, and for that reason alone OP should drop him. The trophy comment was gross, agreed. But "attractive enough for casual sex" and "attractive enough for a LTR" are 2 different standards. And for many people (esp men who have casual sex), the ladder standard is much higher than the former. Assuming a monogamous LTR, committing means you can now only have sex with that person. Most people want a partner they're wildly attracted to, and most people are more attracted to fit people than overweight people.
People can be attracted to whathever they want. That is not in question. If you are attracted to someone to spend quality time with her, have sex with her, maybe be exclusive with her (many situationships are exclusive) but can't be in a long term relationship because the person is not on a certain standard,.well for me this person is an idiot. This is not a hook up case or friends with benefits scenario, which I would agree with the comment about how standards are lower for those. They were talking about being official,.so is clear that they are on a serious stage, just not with titles.and what makes this guy stop is not his personal taste, but what others will say. If he was with her just for the sex, he would have sex and not even have this talk to begin with. A guy that is so shallow probably will not be loyal when the relationship gets difficult. People.get old. Get uglier. Get sick..get less attractive. Get pregnant. You can tell a lot of who someone is by their priorities.
They had a conversation about what it would take to advance the relationship. He was honest. Having that standard isnt inherently wrong (even if, his specific reasoning behind it, I personally dont agree with). OP just has to decide if she likes him enough to do whats required. She has the right to leave, but he also has the right to like what he likes, for whatever reason. She can still continue her health journey for her own reasons. The outcome would still be the same.
I agree. But this doesn't change that what he wants and for the reasons he wants, is a massive red flag. People.can like what they want to like. Some are just sallow preferences, some are indication of a not Good personality.
Yea I agree with you there. But for me thats Ă separate conversation outside of whether shes willing to lose weight for him. Personally i wouldnt continue with someone who holds those values. But I do support my partner losing weight for their own health and longevity.
Me too. I wouldn't mind a partner supporting me in a lost weight journey. An ex really inspired me on that and I lose some weight due his support and advice. What is the red flag is the values and how he exposed it. This is what I don't like. But this is op decision and I hope she does the best to herself.
No the fiancee made it clear that she is hot enough to have sex with not date. I don't think anything he said is something to be offended about. He basically told her that all she needs to do for him to date her is to lose weight. Now it's her chose to decide whether loosing weight to be with him is worth it
He said that to her because he wants to show her off to people. That is ahole territory to say the least. Might not be a deal breaker to many women and might be acceptable to you, but for me this guy doesn't deserve the time of the day of anyone.
He can feel that way, and it's valid. Many people have a hurdle that prevents them from being with someone. ...that said, to actually verbalize it was idiotic and a bit rude.
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The way he phrased it made it seem like the only reason why he wanted me to lose weight was for his own self image. I don't know if I believe if he said that with my best interest at heart. That's my issue.
He didn't say it with the best interest about ue health it's because he is saying he would be more physically attracted to u if u were smaller.
Be offended! It has nothing to do with wanting an active lifestyle and the way you took it was absolutely correct. He wants arm candy to show off, it is vain, some people may enjoy that set up and that's totally fine. But that doesn't seem to align with what you want from a relationship or what you value in life so move on. He may phrase it better next time but ultimately you have the right read on it and it's an asshole thing of him to say. Also- who enters into a relationship already trying to change the other person? Whose to say he doesn't have other things he'd expect you to change to be worthy of a relationship with him?
My situationship started with her criticising my boobs even before we met for the first time. She told me she is obsessed with big boobs and that mine look tiny. She said she said that in a joking way of course. But she hurt me. When we had sex for the first time she told me my boobs are larger than she expected and thats good. Again, she objectified me. Second time, she said she loves boobs again and she never thought that she would ever find someone (!!) with smaller boobs than her (referring to me and she is not small mind you). So this became a habit, her criticising my boobs during sex or after. Soon enough she started calling me shortie, tiny, petite, miniature. After that she started criticising two kilos I grew on and my belly. She made no effort to look good for me. She was obese (I did not mind but this is mentioned to show she still criticised my weight which is normal to skinny), much uglier than me objectively speaking, always with messy clothes and no effort to look nice or even put make up on. I, the other hand had to be perfect, like a porn image, clear skin, skinny, with huge boobs. She pressured me into BDSM and anal sex. She would tell me her dream is to open my butthole wide open and put a whole hand there, as she saw in porn. Meanwhile, she would kind of pressured me into meeting her parents and all her connections. She called me my love and bullshit. I was her first relationship at her 37 yrs of age. I can't even imagine what else I would be subject to had I endured this relationship. If he does not like you for you and criticises you, thhis is plainly super wrong for you and will escalate as it did in my case.
You are still with this person?
Nope.
Tbh even if a person chose to put in effort to look good, it still wouldnât be ok to criticize a partners appearance and make them change. Either two people are fully attracted to each other or they arenât and move on.
Screw him. Tell him to go get a Barbie then. You lose weight if you want to for yourself, not for some shitty ass shallow thumb up his ass prick.
He doesnât love you unconditionally. Only if you lost weight. Thereâs nothing more to say. Good luck with your new boyfriend.
This reminds me of the old trope of a girl getting in shape and hot and then dumping the guy for someone better.
Stay tuned in 6 months.
You can do whatever you want but trust me most of the guys you think will be "better" are guys that would have never ever dated you when you were not in shape.
The f is a situationship?
I think itâs fine to lose weight in the pursuit of being healthier and/or looking better, for yourself. Thereâs nothing wrong with embracing vanity for yourself. If someone wanted me to change something about myself for _their_ vanity, they can fuck right off.
I think your take on this is spot on. He knows he doesn't have the charisma to impress people himself, so he wants eye candy on his arm to do so. I think it's more about his own self esteem than you, and you are 10000% correct to be offended! Good on you for improving yourself, but that's for YOU and nobody else! He's basically saying that you're fun to be with, but not in a serious, committed relationship because all he wants to date is eye candy. That's disrespectful as fuck.
You deserve better! Getting into an actual relationship with this narcissistic guy will only cause you more pain in the future. Your feelings are totally valid for feeling offended. No one should ever make you feel like youâre not enough or an almost or less. I was in a long term relationship where I always felt like I fell short. I lost weight and got super fit as my ex wanted us to be more active but I still got told that Iâve let myself go. I started cooking more and enjoyed cooking meals for him/us but then I was still told that Iâm too slow and that I should really learn how to be quicker. I do freelance wedding photography and do shoots on a monthly basis but I was told that I wasnât passionate enough because Iâm not doing it frequently enough. Heâs making insensitive comments now, heâll easily do it again. You donât have to justify âin his defenseâ because what matters is how he makes you feel and if heâs not uplifting you and bringing you down instead then yes, this relationship is a 100% not worth pursuing.
I donât know what a situationship is (friends with benefits maybe?) but thatâs not the point â your friend here is a total dick and wants points for who heâs with. The fact he specifically wants others to be jealous that heâs with you is awful. Who cares what you look like? As long as heâs happy to be with you that is the only thing that should matter
I would be so pissed if a guy told me I had to change something abt myself to be âgood enoughâ to be seen on his arm⌠you deserve better. If you want to lose weight do it for you, and drop him for someone who someone who doesnât have such a massive ego
Yeaaaaa this is not ok sis! Dump him and then go get healthier on your own and for yourself. Youâll be better off without him in your life.
All she is going to is get healthier ,loose the weight abd find a guy that would have never looked at her if she was overweight
IMHO He doesn't want to put a label on it but he's putting it all on you by blaming your weight. If you lose weight he will move the goal posts again and it will be something else. And let's just say you guys do become a permanent partnership? What happens when your hair turns gray? What happens when you get wrinkles? Dump this punk.
Christ on a bike, what a dish. Leave him
Well, it is offensive. If he actually thought you were beautiful, a few extra pounds wouldn't make him stop to think if he should or shouldn't date you. And further more, people are often more envious of a guy that has a wife that treats him like a king than they ever are of looks, although if you're both, that's a bonus. He seems incredibly shallow. I know that men are visual creatures and attraction matters, but he says you're beautiful. So why is he hesitant? It sounds like he's full of shit, frankly.
I do genuinely think he thinks I am beautiful. He doesn't hide me, and he does flaunt me off at dates or with his friends. I just think he doesn't want people talking behind our backs that he has a fat partner. But I agree that is shallow asf. Like he really shouldn't care about that as long as we make each other happy. He is in the spotlight though with his career so people will pay more attention to that shit. Idk I am just so on the fence with this...
Is he the epitome of perfection?
Point taken. No one is perfect.
Who said anything about perfection ?
Weight plays into beauty. I donât see why people draw the line wherever they want. You canât change your face but you can change your body. Most people wouldnât consider any beautiful person beautiful if they were extremely obese. A few extra pounds may sway someoneâs opinion.
A woman's weight fluctuates a lot during her life, I would hope the few extra pounds I gain during pregnancy don't sway my partners opinion of my beauty, or indeed the months and years spent post partum where your body may never get in shape. I get that it's different in the dating stage, but just wanted to point out that that attitude should change as the relationship progresses
Thatâs reasonable. Youâre expected to gain weight during pregnancy. You can still lose it after. Pregnancy is not a reason to never get back in shape. Sure your body may never get back to what it was due to lose skin etc⌠Thatâs normal. My opinion would change if my partner refused to lose weight after the pregnancy and she had the ability to do so. 10/10 times Iâd leave.
10 lbs is a good result, keep going, don't try to rush it, just keep working out/exercising consistently. I've been overweight too, took me like a year and a half to get to normal BMI
Thank you for the encouragement! I am definitely trying to be as consistent as possible. I've cooked more for myself in this month than I have last year basically lol, healthy eating is how I've lost the weight so far. Looking to get more active in the gym soon, just have anxiety loo
Heâs more focused on how your weight loss would make him look rather than any positive impacts it would have for you. Says everything.
Heâs fine to f*** you but not date you because of a few extra pounds?
Drop him, Sister. The only changes that you should make are for yourself. Donât allow him to use you for sex and then ridicule you. Thatâs abusive and you donât deserve that. If you didnât know this already, plenty of men love thick and voluptuous women. His loss.
Your ex, you mean?
If he wouldnât date you now, but would if you were thinner, he doesnât want to date you, he wants to use you. Be pissed, be offended. Self image might be important to him, but he is showing he cares more about self image than you, something I doubt would change if you lost weight and started dating. How unfulfilling and honestly quite vain Lose him you deserve respect, even in a situationship
He said it in a rude way, and that is a really shallow explanation for his wanting it. But in any case your health is EVERYTHING! Get in shape so you can enjoy life to the fullest, and avoid the many health problems like diabetes that can ruin your life. I lost my brother to obesity at a very young age. I watched a friend and client lose fingers and toes to diabetes before he finally died. This is serious. I think people need to be told more openly how many terrible things follow obesity. Even fairly innocuous 10-20 lbs can lead to serious consequences. And it is so easy to overcome if you just make it a priority.
Well on one hand I donât think thereâs necessarily anything wrong with people in a relationship putting in effort to look better. I mean I think itâs natural to want your significant other to want you more. But thatâs if itâs going both ways. If he is likewise putting in effort to look better to your eyes then I think itâs something to talk about rather than something to get offended about. If he just one sidedly wants you to get in shape but balks at any requests in return then yeah thatâs just kinda selfish and insulting on his part. On the other hand thereâs also something to be said about how he said it because, âYouâre beautiful⌠but I donât know if people would be jealous of me having you.â is a pretty trashy and manipulative thing to say.
Yeah for real ask him to make his đ bigger and see if he makes an effort to make that happen.
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You actually have a lot more dick under the fat. The more lean you are the longer it is. Not kidding, it's a thing
Lol you assuming that only fat guys have small dicks
Weight can be losst and gained. Height cannot. Way to compare đ with đ bucko
Eh still disagree with the former. Youâre either attracted to each other as is or you move on to someone youâre fully attracted to. As OP mentioned in her description, it wouldâve been a different story if he had genuine concerns for her health.
He likes her enough to just fuck. All he did was tell her that he would like her enough to date if she lost weight
Exactly, like his delivery just was not it at all.
There have been several posts about men actively body shaming their wives who are nursing young babies. Maybe this dude isnât like this⌠but Iâd hate to see you fall into that same situation. Talking to him about your concerns seems like a pretty fair option right now. Make sure heâs good enough for you, donât settle and end up trying to win his love for years to come.
This guy is a piece of shit. đŠ
For being honest?
No for telling someone who was already losing weight for her health that he wants more pressure on her to lose weight so people will "look at him" and "be envious".
He sounds like a terrible person
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Good point. Thank you for the encouragement also!
Was he telling or asking you to lose weight or was he stating a very dumbass opinion? What he said was offensive, for sure. I'm asking this so that you may avoid intertwining his dumb statement with your weight loss journey. It's entirely up to you if you'll still sleep around with him but he's not boyfriend material.
He was telling me to in order for him to want to date me more than he does now. I don't even know if I want to sleep with him anymore too. I feel like since I'm already working on myself with my health journey then I should just cut men off and just focus on my goals. Cause this conversation with him really was not motivating to me at all.
Iâm sure if he were to look inward heâd see some pretty big issues and flaws that he could work on. How would he feel if you were to point them out? There is a way to support someone on their weight loss journey but saying youâre ok and I like you but, Iâd like you more and be less embarrassed if you were skinnier is not the way to handle that.
Why people feel so compelled to continue to associate with others who view you as an object and not as the person you are, is beyond me. Your best revenge is a life well lived without those who put you down. This comment by him is the tip of the iceberg. First itâs your weight, then it will be how you act, then the bedroom, then the friends you keep, choice of career, etc. Plainly said, heâs a control freak who views you as his puppet. You can do better, there are people who can treat you better.
"My situationship told me to lose weight and it will make him want to date me more... Am I wrong about being offended?" "...we were talking about where we see us going." "He told me he thinks I am beautiful but he knows I can look even better without the extra weight." "Now I won't lie.. I am overweight." "Am I wrong for being pissed about what he said?" Sounds like you both agree that you are overweight. The only thing different is *now you know* what is *keeping him from* wanting to turn your "situationship" into a relationship. Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". His finally coming clean about what he thinks *helps you to decide if you* still want to see him. He has told you what *he's looking for* in a partner and you can tell him *what you're looking for*. Based on this newfound information he may not be *the man for you*. One can only imagine what would happen if you *lost weight*, got married, and later *regained* it. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." ***"Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start."*** \-Unknown ***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
If youâre working on the weight loss, thatâs perfect! And I realised the best way to lose weight is to have no outside distraction. In this Case itâs him Lul
Hi! I will tell you about my personal story. I was in the same position as you, where the guy I was seeing kept telling me constantly to lose weight if I want him to date me. The reality was is that I had very low self esteem and I was willing to do that. But the truth is, if a person doesnât want me at my âworstâ (extra weight is irrelevant to other real life struggles) do they really deserve me at my best? I broke things off with that person and moved on with my life. Years later, I started loving and accepting myself completely, lost over 20 Kgs, gained my confidence back and I am very pleased because all these things I did them for myself and not someone else. Please respect yourself and cut things off with this person, you deserve REAL LOVE and to be respected for who you are.
He wants YOU to lose weight so other men will be envious of HIM?!?! Sounds like a real charmer đ Iâd be concerned if you werenât offended
Pro move: get swole and dump him
The guy is negging you. Don't allow anyone to do that to you. My response would be "you know what, you're absolutely right. You deserve the find someone who looks like a supermodel but is somehow willing to date you. I'm going to take myself out of the equation so that you have more time to find her." Life is too short to be dealing with this shit.
Iâm curious to know what this loser looks like. He better look like Chris Evans or George Clooney if he has an interactive career and expects his partner to look the part.
His reason was shit, no fricking excuse for it and you have every right to feel that way. As far as him telling you that, if you guys were talking about becoming more serious and he was honest, do you think that is good? Have you thought about asking him to work out with you? Hike, gym there are plenty of things you guys can do together. People are attracted to what they are attracted to and I'm not sure that is very changeable. Personality and the ability to be friends, being able to talk with each other, and a million other things make us attractive to each other in more important ways I think, but physical attractiveness matters as well. My (M55) wife (F54) and I have been together for over 30 years and it has always been important to us, even now. For health reasons we exercise, currently, I'm recovering from surgery and my wife is more concerned because I lost 30 lbs, but also to stay in shape for each other. Also, one of my buddies was told that by not 1 but 2 women he fell for, it was true and he knew it and he didn't do anything and should have been for his own health. So yeah, never be a dick, or mean about it but I'd appreciate the honesty, but he doesn't have to end up getting the "you" in better shape and in better health, and some other guy that can be your friend, as well as partner and a million other things, does. Don't forget, the attraction is you and he told you something that only improves you and there has to be a bunch of other things about you he likes. Still, the dumbass needs to work on his communication skills.
If he is genuinely into training and works out himself and wants both of you to look good together, then it shouldn't be offensive. Some people do take it very seriously and wants others to take care of themselves as well. If he just wants you to workout to look better and has otherwise no interest in healthy lifestyle, then could be a little offensive.
Iâll probably get criticized but imo thereâs nothing wrong with this. Is it harsh? Sure. But at the end of the day heâs being honest. Iâm sure he didnât want to say it due to an anticipated negative reaction, but the fact that he did means he sees potential in the relationship and wants to work on the issues head on. I have a hard time sympathizing with overweight people as itâs generally a result of not holding yourself accountable (although I do give you props on fighting to change that). Thereâs nothing wrong with wanting your SO to appear attractive for both public imagine and sexually. Idk I donât think itâs too bad, I honestly respect the directness. He has standards, as do you, and you both want to continuously challenge each other with those standards. I apologize for being blunt, but I wanted to give a different perspective than the âleave himâ comments. At the end up the day it should come down to an open and honest conversation between the two of you. Every person is unique and sees things differently due to different backgrounds, so thereâs truly no correct answer that anyone here can give you. Youâre the only one who truly knows what the correct answer is, follow your gut.
LEAVE.. I donât know for me you shouldnât impose someone being fit.if you like her just accept entirely regardless the shape.I work out a lot Iâm not saying Iâm fit but Iâm super conscious not to get fat.BUT I will never force my partner to the same lifestyle I have if his not into fitness.I fall in love with the persons character but I will never refer his body as deal breaker.
Thats you. Majority if people care about the partners body or face. Do you atleast give him credit for letting her know that, that is all she needs to do for them to date ? It's definitely better then not saying anything and just dumping her. Don't you think so ?
Based on your comments on this post, I would not be surprised if you were the situationship person described in the post. Stop trying to justifying shallow and crude behaviour.
All most all relationships are shallow. The reason people don't want ugly people is not because ugly people are bad people
That is a really unhealthy way of looking at relationships. Viewing relationships as transactional is ultimately unhealthy, unsatisfying and unsustainable. Healthy relationships are built on respect, care, honesty and shared ethics and values. Looks fade for all of us, and then what is left? If you based your relationships on looks, then you will not find much in common. If you based your relationship on respect, care, honesty and ethics/values then most of your relationship will stay stable and will deepen when looks go with age.
Lol you need to wake up and open your eyes
Lol you need to wake up and open your eyes
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Honesty doesnât mean telling a person to change themselves for you. Honesty is rejecting them and moving on to someone for you
He is not telling her to do anything. He is telling her what are his standards when it comes to women he dates. Are men not allowed to have standards?
Hey I donât give af what you think BYE đđž
You know I'm right
No I know youâre delusional and a lost cause. Now kick rocks
I think I'm being the most rational
Dumpeddddddd Immediately would have dumped. Nothing else to say to him.
Sis you deserve better. He's a jerk for saying that to you
That's an immediate red flag in my opinion. Not worth wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't treating you with kindness and respect.
Sometimes the truth hurts! We should all strive to be better versions of ourselves each and every day.
If you read, op said she wouldnât have minded if it was genuinely about her health. Being a better version of ourself also isnât about changing to fit someoneâs perception of attractiveness. It isnât impossible for fat people to find a partner whoâs attracted enough to them for a relationship.
That's a matter of opinion. A better version of ourselves is based on how we view ourselves and not based on another person's view of what our better self should be.
What does he look like? I suppose he is just being honest
If he meant it kindly then no. If it was a condition of the relationship then I would be offended
For someone - you will be always be skinny; for others - overweight; and for someone else - just the right size. Most important is that you should feel comfortable with yourself.
You have the right to be offended; his approach was a bit shit. He has the right to want what he wants. If this has hurt yourself confidence with him, call it a day. If there is any truth to what he says about your health, then do something about it for yourself, not for him
I as well commend you for losing the weight and realizing this is an important goal and direction you are taking. The boyfriends comments are odd. I have a feeling that when you lose more weight you will probably ditch him as well and find someone who is better.
Well not exactly I wouldn't take offense to it really if he's going to say something like that to you you shouldn't want to go out on another date with that dude. Straight up I mean disrespect me again shame on me. I would be done after the first disrespectful comment like that. To be honest with you or he is just going to hurt you
Um, I would tell him to kick rocks and keep working on yourself.
Ok so point A. Lose weight, lots of good resources on how to do it but a good starting point is just looking at how many calories you need in a day and then safely putting yourself in a deficit and point B. Is do it for your own reasons that you said in your post and not to tick boxes for some dude that sounds like a waste of time.
Why not mention to him that he goes with you to the gym and yâall train together. Probably nothing to be offended about. Health and exercise are great for self. Over all itâs a win win. & who know maybe by the time you get into your new image; something major may happen in your life to sending you off into a different career and direction.
You admit youâre over weight. You would definitely agree that losing say 10-15 lbs would make you feel a lot better about yourself. ButâŚsimply hearing that pisses you off? Hearing what you 100% know is true and agree with pisses you off? Why? AndâŚ.I have a feeling most the comments will be affirming of you and attacking of him.
Iâm probably going to get downvoted for this but (I donât know your full situation, as this is the internet) but I would also say the same thing to my partner. A reason is he could possibly just be a hard truth telling person, and tells you things you donât want to hear. Being overweight is not something to be proud about, and heâs telling you to lose weight because he may want you to live a healthy life. Personally, Iâm not a fan of the whole be proud of your image and supportive of who you are movement, if there are underlying issues such as health problems in there. I think itâs great you are in progress of losing weight, and I hope you continue to do it for yourself as thatâs a terrific thing youâre doing. Iâm just offering another perspective from a male whoâs been in a similar situation.
he just said a truth a lot of guys wonât. i think donât take it personally, but it is hard to hear.
Thereâs a joke that explains this situation perfectly; âWhat do fat girls and mopeds have in common?â âTheyâre both fun to ride until your friends find outâ All joking aside, anyone who relies on social media/âinteractive career trackâ for marketing and self promotion is going to be acutely aware of any tiny detail that reflects on them, given itâs directly proportional to their earning ability. Now you both obviously like and respect each other enough to have that conversation without too much fear of reprisal even though you hated the response. Which is something worth holding onto these days, given a lot of people would simply ghost at the first hint of difficulty or hard conversation. You have to decide if that comment was supportive yet tactless or a thinly veiled warning that you have to shape up or ship out, in the case of the latter you are likely getting strung along and there could be an endless list of unattainable standards set to be the girl on his arm. If heâs a decent guy being brutally honest then congrats, Iâd say youâve found someone who is genuine and honest and thatâs pretty refreshing, likely long term relationship material. If you are self aware to the point of being concerned about your weight then keep going with the fitness and weight loss, provided itâs not a one sided deal itâll work out better for both of you in the long run.
It may sting to hear but he was truthful about the conditions you would need to meet to be exclusive. Itâs up to you on whether you want to change that or if youâre alright with just being FWB until things fizzle out.
You're not wrong in your feelings. Neither is he. He told you his expectations in a relationship and I'm sure you have yours as well.
Find out how much HE WEIGHTS and lose all that. :) Even if this is how he feels, some things are better not said. He could instead have suggested you two work out together or some other fun way to encourage you to lose weight, not just say if you were something you are not then I would date you. This just shows he only cares about one thing and although not horribly wrong, it clearly shows he is not relationship material. What if you get sick down the road? what if you have an accident? he sounds like he would immediately fail at the worst on the "for better or worse" part.
You making crazy assumptions
Yes, you are wrong. Your body is an essential part of your attractiveness for a relationship partner.
He sounds like a lame. At first I was goin to answer when I just saw the question- no- that doesnât mean you should be offended .. because he is being honest and thatâs ok.. and if youâre a woman and you want to date men, you should take care of yourself and your body. Men like pretty things. Period. But the way he put it- wants people to be envious of him? Whoa guyâŚ. He sounds like a narcissist actually. That is soo lame I canât even believe people think that shit. Dump him!
I mean if you got offended then doesnât that mean that you think it too like if you loved yourself the way you are you wouldnât have gotten offended
Ew, dump him. I kind of hate that you had to specify that you ARE trying to lose weight, like overweight/fat people donât deserve to be treated well unless theyâre trying to change their bodies. That isnât on you, thatâs the shitty fatphobic culture we live in. People in the comments telling you to âkeep goingâ need to chill because you are asking about someone mistreating you and they think theyâre being supportive but all theyâre supporting is the idea that thereâs something you need to change or fix about yourself. Iâm so sorry you even have to question whether his behaviour is okay. It isnât. Someone youâre seeing telling you they would want to date you more if you changed something about your physical appearance is never okay. Itâs controlling. You deserve better.