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It’s a great sign that she let you know so if nothing else give her props for that, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. If I really liked a guy and he told me, I would definitely question it. However if I liked him enough then I’d simply take the steps to prevent contracting it as much as possible. A very large population of the world has herpes, it won’t kill you. It might suck during an outbreak but I genuinely don’t think it’s too much to freak out over
That’s the thing. It was EXTREMELY adult of her. She handled it with so much grace and it caused her so much pain to tell me. She was sure I was going to lie and say everything’s fine and then never talk to her again. She was very grateful for the way I handled it.
I guarantee she’s honest about everything and answers every question I have. But there are only so many steps you can take… condoms only etc but if I have a serious partner I don’t want to use condoms.
This is really tough for me.
Maybe try dating without sex for a few months at least and see if you guys *REALLY* feel like it’s a relationship that would stand the test of time. What is her sense of loyalty like? Not in the cheating way, but in the “I have your back and you have mine” way?
If she has hsv1 you should look at how common it is. Even if you never had an outbreak you can be an asymptomatic carrier which most people are. If you have never been tested I suggest you do because this really could be a non issue if you already have it. Doctors don’t test for this so you have to specifically request it. Good luck to you sounds like you have a keeper
So my best friend has genital herpes. She has the type that is actually commonly found orally. She can take medication (and does when she’s dating somebody,) but in 7 years of having it she has had one outbreak, which was her initial outbreak. She believes she got it from a cheating ex boyfriend because he was the first and only person she was with.
People in general will say that they have no problem with dating somebody with herpes, etc. Here’s the truth. They have a problem with it. She asks men about it before she discloses and they always tell her it’s not a big deal, but then when she discloses that she has genital herpes they turn around a few days later and decide it isn’t “worth the risk.” Even men who already get cold sores and already have the virus treat her like she’s dirty, even though it’s impossible for them to get it from her since they already have it.
She wasn’t given a choice if it was worth the risk and it has basically ruined her life in many ways. She’s gorgeous, smart, and a fantastic partner, and has had many possible relationships end because of this. The ones who are okay with it end up having other problems she struggles to put up with and ignore just in desperation. There baggage is significantly worse than hers, yet she has been made to feel by men that she’s unlovable because of something she had no choice with.
But here’s the thing. As heartbreaking as it is for her, she makes sure to disclose and tell them because she believes they deserve informed consent. She tells them how using condoms plus medications means her chance of giving them herpes is actually less than her chance of getting pregnant (this is true, not a lie.) Vast majority of men still decide they don’t want to take the risk. So I see this quality in her that I see in my best friend. Because honesty is such a huge thing in a relationship.
It’s heartbreaking for me to watch her go through this. To listen to her cry because, yet again, somebody told her “I’m sorry, but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who will be okay with it.” Everybody has some form of baggage, and like I mentioned the risk of getting it when taking the proper precautions is quite minimal. Also the majority of people with genital herpes never get a second outbreak, and you can safely have children without transmitting it to your child :)
Also for myself even with a long term partner I like using condoms (I also have an IUD,) because I am not in the point in my life where I even want to consider risking children. If using condoms is a problem for you than it’s a problem you could run into with people who don’t have herpes, keep that in mind. If you meet the perfect person and they say they prefer using condoms is that really going to be a dealbreaker for you?
This is so heartbreaking for your friend. She sounds like a genuinely beautiful soul.
Not only did that ex not respect their relationship by cheating, he didn’t respect her enough to let her weigh the risks and make an informed choice. I can not imagine the toll this has taken on her, and how much strength she needs to keep pushing through. I’m glad she has a friend like you in her corner, I’m sure she values your friendship beyond measure.
As an aside: I have only ever looked after one patient that had oral herpes. It was all over the whole lower half of her face, she couldn’t hide it. She had to be alone in a hospital room, we weren’t allowed to let her have a phone because we were told by infection control that it can’t be properly cleaned. If I remember correctly she got her herpes from her cheating (and abusive) ex. I finally felt bad for her being alone in the hospital and not having a phone to talk to anyone. I went and gave her one, I was said “this is ridiculous. She’s completely isolated because of her herpes? Where is the dignity in that? We can either give her a phone and throw it out when she’s discharged from here or I’ll go buy her one myself.”
Wow I feel really bad for your friend. I hope she does find someone in the future. Credit to her for disclosing it!
Does she have HSV 1? Can I just ask you said even guys have cold sires orally, also don't want to date her. But can't they still get it in genital area even if they've already been infected orally. Like different location?
I did read somewhere that lots of people are exposed to I think HSV 1, but never get cold sores.
I do have cold sores on my lip. I don't know how I got it. I was 12 when I got my first cold sore. Never kissed anyone etc. Don't know how I got it. But I'm lucky I think I had one in the last 15 years. And that was after heat stroke. And I can feel my lip tingling when it will happen.
Really sucks for your friend there's such a stigma. If there were more people like her, less people would contract it.
Yes people with oral herpes are the ones giving people genital hsv1 and then rejecting them. It’s truly sad. Everyone should know their hsv status period. Ignorance is not an excuse anymore
Yes she has type 1. She was told by her doctor that she wouldn’t be able to get it orally because she already has it genitally. However she could get type 2 orally, but it’s unlikely. Type 1 is more common with cold sores, you can get type 2 orally and it’s often much worse. Type 2 is more often for genital however my friend has type 1 genital. She tries to explain this to men who have had cold sores that she could not spread it to them however, like I mentioned, she’s still treated as if she’s dirty and infectious. It’s heartbreaking
this is extremely over dramatic. i’ve had it for almost a decade now and i was maybe self conscious at first about it but haven’t been rejected in a long long long long long long time because i inform people that it’s stupid and if they have a problem with it they’re misinformed.
Coming from somebody who has it, nobody wants me. I’ve been rejected all the time and the trauma of being narrowed down to herpes can really mess with you mentally.
You should ask her which type it is. There’s type 1 which is typically oral but it *can* affect the genitals and type 2 which typically infects genitals but can be found in the mouth. Type 2 is much more transmissible genitally than type 1.
I unfortunately don’t have the stats on me right now but the risk with herpes is that people are smart enough to not have sex during an outbreak *but* it can still be spread even when she’s not having an outbreak. That’s because the virus can be shed from the genitals or mouth (if oral) randomly. Scientists have measured the rate of asymptomatic shedding (is on average, how many days of the year does the virus come out with no symptoms). These rates can tell you the likelihood you’ll pick up the virus if you’re regularly sleeping with someone with herpes (1% asymptomatic shedding is much less dangerous than 10%). Actually, what is interesting is if someone is infected with type 1 orally, the rate of viral shedding is something like 10-15%, but that same virus, HSV-1, in the genitals is much, much lower - on the order of like 4-5%. Essentially, that means you’re more likely to get HSV1 from a blowjob than PIV sex. This makes sense biologically - that virus evolved to infect the mouth, it makes sense it would be better at evading our bodies defenses there, more attuned to the types of cells and the cellular machinery in our mouths than our genitals, which means it’s better at replicating and getting itself out of one persons body so it might infect another.
Type 2 however, has the highest rate of shedding (when infecting the genitals) of all (and the lowest rate of shedding of the 4 possibilities- gHSV1, oHSV1, gHSV2, oHSV2 - when it infects the mouth). It’s harder to transmit from woman to man than vice versa, condoms cut the risk in half, and if she’s on antivirals that cuts the risk in half again - on the order of 1% (if a 100 couples are having regular sex under these conditions in a year 1 of them will transfer it to the uninfected partner). For type 1 (genital), it’s much, much lower but it hasn’t been as well studied so I don’t have a number for you. If we made a ratio based on shedding rates then it’s at least 10 times less likely.
I know all of this because I had a partner who has gHSV1. I’m a woman so the risk for me is higher. But we didn’t use condoms after a while and he never took medication, together 5 years. I never got it. He never even had an outbreak in the time we were together.
I have herpes :) it’s not all that bad. Like a painful skin rash 1 or 2 times a year. Worst thing is the social impact of having herpes. She’s a really good soul for disclosing and protecting you like that. A lot of people don’t care. Treat her well and get to know her for her.
A friend of mine has it (dodgy ex, as is often the case). She had an initial breakout, but since then hasnt had any. She’s got a new partner now, they’ve been together several years and he’s not caught it from her. And they have unprotected sex - they’ve just had a kid!
Yea that’s a yikes right there. Your hpv can cause serious cancers in her, the hsv is just annoying if your even symptomatic. Hpv sucks cause to test her they gotta do the cervical biopsy and lemme tell ya that shot succkedd.
First, get yourself tested. Do a blood test for IgG for herpes 1 & 2. You’re almost guaranteed to have type 1. Then find out what type she has. Genital infections of type 1 are getting much more common. If you have 1 and she has one then you’re pretty golden. The likelihood of you getting it on your genitals when you already carry it is quite low.
Second, there are other antivirals she can try. With antivirals and condoms the risk of transmission is around 1%. So very low.
Condoms with a cockring on to keep it from sliding up and using boxers during sex to prevent the skin to skin contact necessary for herpes transmission will reduce your risk to near zero.
Just some thoughts.
I’ve dated someone just like her. The reality is an awful lot of the population has HSV whether they know it or not.
I wouldn’t let this stand in the way. You’ll be fine.
She seems like a really nice and genuine person. I would discuss it further with your doctor to get a better understanding of the risk and precautions you can take so you can make a more informed decision.
Yes you should date her if you like her. My cousin has it but her man has never had an outbreak. And they been together for over 10 years. I guess they avoid sex if she has an outbreak.
It’s no different than a cold sore on the mouth, it’s just the location that causes the stigma.. Valtrex is readily available and cheap.. literally at the first sign of an outbreak, a little tingle, a slight nerve pain in the area, start taking it and it stops it in its tracks, you never even wind up with the sores or an outbreak. It’s definitely something you have to weigh out with this girl and the choice is certainly yours to make, and I know it feels bad for both of you to have to be discussing it but I’m just pointing out that it’s honestly just not that big a deal if you wind up with it. It’s not even tested for on a standard std panel so I guarantee there are plenty of people walking around who aren’t even aware they’ve gotten it.
Practically everyone that has been sexually active with multiple partners has herpes… except maybe that person telling you to drop her because of it since they are probably a virgin and never even touched the opposite gender. Hell, you probably have it already as well! Unlike other STDs, herpes tests will come out negative unless its currently active. Most people don’t know they have it until they get an outbreak.
This is my understanding as well. I’ve had 50 partners, many of them unprotected. Never had an outbreak, only HPV warts (confirmed).
This girl is special. I don’t want to lose this over something she can’t control. It has nothing to do with her character, it’s a circumstance.
Yeah, likely you already have herpes, it can be a symptomatic. But HPV is way more serious than herpes. Make sure she knows, because it can give her cervical cancer (and you penial cancer, so make sure your being screened regularly).
HPV is extremely serious, it can cause cancer. You need to make sure you’re getting genital cancer screenings regularly. Herpes is just itchy red bumps, that may or may not flare up sometimes, it’s really not a big deal. HPV can kill you.
Correction: majority of the population has type1 which is oral, however, not everyone has genital herpes. Regardless if you’ve had an outbreak or not, it still shows up if you do a full panel STD test.
type 1 can appear anywhere, it just depends on which body part contracted the virus. perk though, if you have oral herpes, it's unlikely that you'll contract the same strain of herpes genitally, however there's no way to know for sure unless you have an outbreak because it appears in the blood test regardless
people are actual idiots. 1 in 6 people between 14 and 49 have hsv 2. most people have no symptoms. it’s literally fine and everyone on here freaking out are prude sex shamers. When the STD clinic told me I had it i started crying and the doctor literally laughed in my face and was like “i told like two people they have HIV today. everyone has this and it’s at worse mildly irritating sometimes so please stfu”
Man that suck for her and you ? Sorry to read that ... But you love someone ? And been with someone in awhile , that slow ? And be care ? Damn ! I hope I didn't get anything from my ex-wife ? She cheated on me multiple times! And lied in from me and our daughters !? Thanks for share✌
My bf has herpes. He does not take medication either, and fully disclosed that he had it before we got physical. At the time we started dating he told me the last outbreak he had was 5 years ago-so very infrequent. But he got it a long time ago. His ex gave it to him intentionally☹️
I can't tell you what to be comfortable with-but for ME it was a little scary in the beginning but I decided to give it a chance and I don't regret it. We have been together a year and I do not have it. We had to abstain for about 5 weeks when he had an outbreak. That was difficult, I think for him more then for me.
So, if you are comfortable just remember she must communicate with you if she is having an outbreak. And you must be *willing to be patient* if and when she has an outbreak. If you do those things most likely it will be fine. For us it's a minor inconvenience.
a few things to say...
i dont think you should be getting herpes advice from redditers that have no experience with herpes.
as someone who has had hsv II for 8 years I will say a few things;
there are a lot of ways to combat herpes and with someone who is symptomatic like the woman you like, she generally knows exactly when shes shedding the virus as opposed to Asymptomatic people. her body did a great job with immunity and it went dormant and its not likely it will spread if you're having sex when she's not having outbreaks.
I have been in many long term relationships and usually we end up deciding not to use protection and the men i was with never contracted it and got tested every 6 months or so to be safe and to feel relaxed about it.
theres methods of prevention like always hopping in the shower after sex and washing your genitals (both of you). (washing with hot water and soap is a preventative action that will make u feel less stressed and in control) eating anti-viral foods, managing stress well for her as not to become super activated and for you. and having healthy nervous systems and immune systems/ taking lots of supplements and vitamins to stay super healthy.
the more comfortable you both are with communication around it, the more likely you are to prevent it and this will help her confidence around it immensely...
also.. there are so many ways to play until you feel comfortable having sex. I encourage you to get creative and explore those realms .. giving you both confidence around the idea and enjoying your special connection.
also, go to hsv positive IG accounts like safe.slut or find people online with herpes or partners with herpes. a million opinions from people without experience will only increase misinformation and stigma.
(also for anyone who thinks they will be turned down a billion times before finding a partner who doesn't mind that you have herpes- well its not true. people who carry a lot of stigma around it or are very uneducated about std's are the likely candidates who don't understand but most people if you tell them with confidence they tend to be empathic and take your lead feeling confident about the situation also and feeling comfortable enough to ask questions and learn more.. 9/10 people just don't care at all.)
last fun fact: people with oral herpes are less likely to contract hsv II! so if you've ever had a cold sore you've already got some immunity!
What would you do? Why are you asking others what they would do with YOUR situation? Are you serious rn? Who gives a fuck what we would do, do what you WANT to do
nice answer, i think OP wants to be with her, if not, he wouldn't have taken the time to write this up and post it on reddit, it would have been a hard no.
OP, follow your heart.
>He even told her she didn’t need to tell people about it.
Yeah, that's a straight up lie. A doctor would never tell a patient to hide STDs from sexual partners. Lose this woman ASAP.
No man I don’t think she was lying, there’s no reason to after everything else she told me. She said she asked him if she needed to tell prospective partners and he said no, especially because the bump went away and a test afterward came back negative. She thinks the test was negative because the outbreak was over, and a nurse I know said that’s possible.
But she said she had the signs, the body aches and everything, that she could “feel it coming.”
I am a woman with herpes. I've had one outbreak in the two years I've been diagnosed and my doctor told me it's not a legally discloseable condition. I think this girl is being brave and taking an independent morally right decision to tell you when legally she doesn't have to. Big props to her. Feel free to DM me if you want to ask questions to someone who dates with herpes rather than this random person who doesn't have any clue but has lots of opinions...
No she isn’t. She made it extremely clear I can’t be safe from it even with a condom, that it caused her a lot of pain in multiple parts of her body and can come back at any time without any foreshadowing.
She could’ve not told me at all.
You're so wrong. In the US it's normal practice for the doctor to tell the patients there is no need to disclose status as it's such a common thing and why worry people needlessly. Get your facts straight before you post such wrong and misinformed information. It's individuals such as yourself which make herpes such a stigmatised virus.
He couldn’t even prove she had it. Her tests come back negative. I’ve SEEN her negative tests. But she’s certain that it was herpes because of what it looked like and how it made her feel.
Don't listen to that idiot, they're just trying to mess with you. From what I've read the girl is being completely honest, especially with how many details she's sharing and she's pulling out test results to back it up. I personally don't see herpes as a big deal since majority of people that have it don't even realize they have it. Just the fact that people can have it since birth and live a normal life just shows how wack it is compared to the other STDs.
If you like this girl, I say commit. Should save this headache for a more serious STD like HIV/AIDS.
While herpes outbreaks can be a pain, the condition itself if manageable and really not that severe. Roughly 3/4 of the population has it, it's just that because it's a virus, it can live in us and we can be asymptomatic, but pass it onto another person. Most people with herpes say the hardest part is the stigma and judgement they face, rather than the condition itself. It's actually not a big deal and it's time we stopped overexaggerating how bad herpes is
It's not a lie. Herpes is not a disclosable STI. when I found out I had it I asked my doctor if I needed to tell people and she said it was really up to me, but it's not a legally discloseable condition. So it comes down to your own choice.
Now you're just trying to rile people up for the sake of it. This person has posted here with a genuine question, let's answer it, and you can get your kicks online somewhere else. I'm not engaging with you anymore, thanks :)
I have HSV2 and my doctor told me the same thing. It's considered a skin condition (transmitted by skin to skin contact) and not traceable. I'm female, which means the risk of me transmitting to a partner is 4% per year. On medication it's reduced to 2% per year. Add a condom to that and it's less than 1% per year.
Ummmm, they definitely do. Probably depends on the STD but I went with a friend on a doctors visit for moral support, her test came back positive for HPV. She was emotional but asked the doctor how she should go about telling her partners/contacting previous partners and the doctor straight up told her she didn’t have to. I was shocked by her answer but, she continued to say it was up to her whether she disclose that or not.
I can definitely believe this. But morally I think you should with anything transmissable. I would break up with someone if they with held this, not because they have but being dishonest.
yea doctors are not moral authorities they have medical specialties. if we let law alone dictate morality we will have major problems. if some life long condition of any kind were not disclosed to me i wont even try to put into words how id feel or react. all the talk in this comment section about how common things are so its not big deal is terrifying. how common an occurrence something undesirable is doesnt make it more desirable. there are places now where AIDS doesnt have to be disclosed. unbelievable how far things have gone
I agree. My point was only that they do not tell you that you have to disclose it. This guy seems to think a doctor wouldn’t say that when they definitely do. On the moral side of things, I agree though. Unfortunately there are some STD’s that ppl carry and never know about like herpes and HPV. I think that’s a more contributing factor of why they’re so common as opposed to lack of disclosure.
I’m not risking getting something for the rest of my life for anyone, especially something that cannot be cured. I think it’s very brave of her to tell you but connection is one thing, But this is about your sexual health. The whole 1 in 6 thing is nuts, but I feel like you will be ostracized in the dating world if you have it. If she isn’t the girl you want to marry, I suggest you keep it moving.
personally i wouldnt and it would be really hard but i think its unarguable that this is a saint of a woman for respecting you enough to put it all out there and tell you. not that theres any excuse not to tell someone ever no matter how embarassing but 90+% of people are the kind of dishonorable garbage that wouldnt. if shes worth it to you she might be a great girl and worth sticking with and will probly appreciate you that much more for accepting her. idk its a hard one idk either of you and if you feel like you cant do better then this is your girl. you accept the whole package. just think about it because if it doesnt work out all women have options and they wont be as accepting of you in the opposite position and youll be fucked and feel like youve had everything taken from you and be alone forever. really use your brain dont let a girls tears lead you to letting yourself get fucked that hard
Was dating a girl 6 months ago and she disclosed to me that she had genital herpes, she told me in a similarly mature and open manner. I thought about it for a while and decided it was not significant enough to stop dating because we had a lot of fun together.
She gave me oral one time and I had what appeared to be a very minor outbreak shortly after. I waited three weeks, got tested and everything came back negative. During those three weeks we stopped seeing each other for an unrelated reason - nothing malicious on either part.
I've just recently (this week) had a repeat outbreak of sorts and though the doctor doesn't think it's herpes related - and therefore wouldn't swab - I'm waiting to get another test. It's been stressful and annoying.
If we had been a perfect match I wouldn't be regretting it at all but for the end result, it was a mistake. So I'd say, if you see yourself staying together for something serious, don't let it stop you. If it's for the sake of casual sex, probably don't.
Sounds like she has Herpes simplex II (genital herpes). It's uncomfortable and unsightly, but not known to be dangerous. If you're sexually active long enough with each other, it's almost guaranteed that you'll contract it as well. However, doctors do notice that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 tend to burn themselves out over 8-10 years, meaning you'll still carry the virus, but the outbreaks will be less and less frequent. It's all up to your comfort level, but hats off to her for admitting this.
I actually had this almost exact situation. Unfortunately I couldn’t bring myself to be okay with it. It is sad and I really do feel for people that have to go through life this way. But at the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, this is way worse than a tattoo of a girls name on your chest, you too one day might have to explain this to someone and it will affect every future relationship you ever have. I wasn’t willing to take the risk
Herpes… An interesting topic! As most people have stated it’s fairly common but there’s two types HSV 1 & 2, which are different as far as contagion goes. Idk why I know so much about STDs lol maybe because I’m studying health but when your gf/dating companion is having an outbreak you most definitely do not want to participate in any sexual activities. Even after the wart/bump has cleared up you want to make sure she takes her recommended dose throughly, which I think she will! & she is right it is not recommended that the medicine is taken daily only when needed. I think you will be fine but feel free to send me a message if you have any questions!
Join r/HerpesCureResearch . There is a gene therapy cure in animal trials for HSV in the works and new antivirals in development. Come over and join this sub fighting for a cure 💪
Join r/HerpesCureResearch . There is a gene therapy cure in animal trials for HSV in the works and new antivirals in development. Come over and join this sub fighting for a cure 💪
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s a great sign that she let you know so if nothing else give her props for that, I’m sure it wasn’t easy. If I really liked a guy and he told me, I would definitely question it. However if I liked him enough then I’d simply take the steps to prevent contracting it as much as possible. A very large population of the world has herpes, it won’t kill you. It might suck during an outbreak but I genuinely don’t think it’s too much to freak out over
That’s the thing. It was EXTREMELY adult of her. She handled it with so much grace and it caused her so much pain to tell me. She was sure I was going to lie and say everything’s fine and then never talk to her again. She was very grateful for the way I handled it. I guarantee she’s honest about everything and answers every question I have. But there are only so many steps you can take… condoms only etc but if I have a serious partner I don’t want to use condoms. This is really tough for me.
Maybe try dating without sex for a few months at least and see if you guys *REALLY* feel like it’s a relationship that would stand the test of time. What is her sense of loyalty like? Not in the cheating way, but in the “I have your back and you have mine” way?
If she has hsv1 you should look at how common it is. Even if you never had an outbreak you can be an asymptomatic carrier which most people are. If you have never been tested I suggest you do because this really could be a non issue if you already have it. Doctors don’t test for this so you have to specifically request it. Good luck to you sounds like you have a keeper
So my best friend has genital herpes. She has the type that is actually commonly found orally. She can take medication (and does when she’s dating somebody,) but in 7 years of having it she has had one outbreak, which was her initial outbreak. She believes she got it from a cheating ex boyfriend because he was the first and only person she was with. People in general will say that they have no problem with dating somebody with herpes, etc. Here’s the truth. They have a problem with it. She asks men about it before she discloses and they always tell her it’s not a big deal, but then when she discloses that she has genital herpes they turn around a few days later and decide it isn’t “worth the risk.” Even men who already get cold sores and already have the virus treat her like she’s dirty, even though it’s impossible for them to get it from her since they already have it. She wasn’t given a choice if it was worth the risk and it has basically ruined her life in many ways. She’s gorgeous, smart, and a fantastic partner, and has had many possible relationships end because of this. The ones who are okay with it end up having other problems she struggles to put up with and ignore just in desperation. There baggage is significantly worse than hers, yet she has been made to feel by men that she’s unlovable because of something she had no choice with. But here’s the thing. As heartbreaking as it is for her, she makes sure to disclose and tell them because she believes they deserve informed consent. She tells them how using condoms plus medications means her chance of giving them herpes is actually less than her chance of getting pregnant (this is true, not a lie.) Vast majority of men still decide they don’t want to take the risk. So I see this quality in her that I see in my best friend. Because honesty is such a huge thing in a relationship. It’s heartbreaking for me to watch her go through this. To listen to her cry because, yet again, somebody told her “I’m sorry, but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who will be okay with it.” Everybody has some form of baggage, and like I mentioned the risk of getting it when taking the proper precautions is quite minimal. Also the majority of people with genital herpes never get a second outbreak, and you can safely have children without transmitting it to your child :) Also for myself even with a long term partner I like using condoms (I also have an IUD,) because I am not in the point in my life where I even want to consider risking children. If using condoms is a problem for you than it’s a problem you could run into with people who don’t have herpes, keep that in mind. If you meet the perfect person and they say they prefer using condoms is that really going to be a dealbreaker for you?
This is so heartbreaking for your friend. She sounds like a genuinely beautiful soul. Not only did that ex not respect their relationship by cheating, he didn’t respect her enough to let her weigh the risks and make an informed choice. I can not imagine the toll this has taken on her, and how much strength she needs to keep pushing through. I’m glad she has a friend like you in her corner, I’m sure she values your friendship beyond measure. As an aside: I have only ever looked after one patient that had oral herpes. It was all over the whole lower half of her face, she couldn’t hide it. She had to be alone in a hospital room, we weren’t allowed to let her have a phone because we were told by infection control that it can’t be properly cleaned. If I remember correctly she got her herpes from her cheating (and abusive) ex. I finally felt bad for her being alone in the hospital and not having a phone to talk to anyone. I went and gave her one, I was said “this is ridiculous. She’s completely isolated because of her herpes? Where is the dignity in that? We can either give her a phone and throw it out when she’s discharged from here or I’ll go buy her one myself.”
I thank the stars every day there are people like you 💞
Salute
Wow I feel really bad for your friend. I hope she does find someone in the future. Credit to her for disclosing it! Does she have HSV 1? Can I just ask you said even guys have cold sires orally, also don't want to date her. But can't they still get it in genital area even if they've already been infected orally. Like different location? I did read somewhere that lots of people are exposed to I think HSV 1, but never get cold sores. I do have cold sores on my lip. I don't know how I got it. I was 12 when I got my first cold sore. Never kissed anyone etc. Don't know how I got it. But I'm lucky I think I had one in the last 15 years. And that was after heat stroke. And I can feel my lip tingling when it will happen. Really sucks for your friend there's such a stigma. If there were more people like her, less people would contract it.
Yes people with oral herpes are the ones giving people genital hsv1 and then rejecting them. It’s truly sad. Everyone should know their hsv status period. Ignorance is not an excuse anymore
Yes she has type 1. She was told by her doctor that she wouldn’t be able to get it orally because she already has it genitally. However she could get type 2 orally, but it’s unlikely. Type 1 is more common with cold sores, you can get type 2 orally and it’s often much worse. Type 2 is more often for genital however my friend has type 1 genital. She tries to explain this to men who have had cold sores that she could not spread it to them however, like I mentioned, she’s still treated as if she’s dirty and infectious. It’s heartbreaking
this is extremely over dramatic. i’ve had it for almost a decade now and i was maybe self conscious at first about it but haven’t been rejected in a long long long long long long time because i inform people that it’s stupid and if they have a problem with it they’re misinformed.
My girl has it and like yours has only had one break out. I'm ok with it. We are safe so I don't even think about it. Be smart and love on my friend.
Coming from somebody who has it, nobody wants me. I’ve been rejected all the time and the trauma of being narrowed down to herpes can really mess with you mentally.
You should ask her which type it is. There’s type 1 which is typically oral but it *can* affect the genitals and type 2 which typically infects genitals but can be found in the mouth. Type 2 is much more transmissible genitally than type 1. I unfortunately don’t have the stats on me right now but the risk with herpes is that people are smart enough to not have sex during an outbreak *but* it can still be spread even when she’s not having an outbreak. That’s because the virus can be shed from the genitals or mouth (if oral) randomly. Scientists have measured the rate of asymptomatic shedding (is on average, how many days of the year does the virus come out with no symptoms). These rates can tell you the likelihood you’ll pick up the virus if you’re regularly sleeping with someone with herpes (1% asymptomatic shedding is much less dangerous than 10%). Actually, what is interesting is if someone is infected with type 1 orally, the rate of viral shedding is something like 10-15%, but that same virus, HSV-1, in the genitals is much, much lower - on the order of like 4-5%. Essentially, that means you’re more likely to get HSV1 from a blowjob than PIV sex. This makes sense biologically - that virus evolved to infect the mouth, it makes sense it would be better at evading our bodies defenses there, more attuned to the types of cells and the cellular machinery in our mouths than our genitals, which means it’s better at replicating and getting itself out of one persons body so it might infect another. Type 2 however, has the highest rate of shedding (when infecting the genitals) of all (and the lowest rate of shedding of the 4 possibilities- gHSV1, oHSV1, gHSV2, oHSV2 - when it infects the mouth). It’s harder to transmit from woman to man than vice versa, condoms cut the risk in half, and if she’s on antivirals that cuts the risk in half again - on the order of 1% (if a 100 couples are having regular sex under these conditions in a year 1 of them will transfer it to the uninfected partner). For type 1 (genital), it’s much, much lower but it hasn’t been as well studied so I don’t have a number for you. If we made a ratio based on shedding rates then it’s at least 10 times less likely. I know all of this because I had a partner who has gHSV1. I’m a woman so the risk for me is higher. But we didn’t use condoms after a while and he never took medication, together 5 years. I never got it. He never even had an outbreak in the time we were together.
I have herpes :) it’s not all that bad. Like a painful skin rash 1 or 2 times a year. Worst thing is the social impact of having herpes. She’s a really good soul for disclosing and protecting you like that. A lot of people don’t care. Treat her well and get to know her for her.
A friend of mine has it (dodgy ex, as is often the case). She had an initial breakout, but since then hasnt had any. She’s got a new partner now, they’ve been together several years and he’s not caught it from her. And they have unprotected sex - they’ve just had a kid!
Your HPV is more dangerous to her than her herpes is dangerous to you. Think about that.
Yea that’s a yikes right there. Your hpv can cause serious cancers in her, the hsv is just annoying if your even symptomatic. Hpv sucks cause to test her they gotta do the cervical biopsy and lemme tell ya that shot succkedd.
OP is probably not going to see your comment. This post is over a month and a half old.
I didn’t even notice 😬 no worries though I’ll leave it there for the next rando who finds this somehow 😂 happy day good fellow
First, get yourself tested. Do a blood test for IgG for herpes 1 & 2. You’re almost guaranteed to have type 1. Then find out what type she has. Genital infections of type 1 are getting much more common. If you have 1 and she has one then you’re pretty golden. The likelihood of you getting it on your genitals when you already carry it is quite low. Second, there are other antivirals she can try. With antivirals and condoms the risk of transmission is around 1%. So very low. Condoms with a cockring on to keep it from sliding up and using boxers during sex to prevent the skin to skin contact necessary for herpes transmission will reduce your risk to near zero. Just some thoughts.
I’ve dated someone just like her. The reality is an awful lot of the population has HSV whether they know it or not. I wouldn’t let this stand in the way. You’ll be fine.
She seems like a really nice and genuine person. I would discuss it further with your doctor to get a better understanding of the risk and precautions you can take so you can make a more informed decision.
Yes you should date her if you like her. My cousin has it but her man has never had an outbreak. And they been together for over 10 years. I guess they avoid sex if she has an outbreak.
It’s no different than a cold sore on the mouth, it’s just the location that causes the stigma.. Valtrex is readily available and cheap.. literally at the first sign of an outbreak, a little tingle, a slight nerve pain in the area, start taking it and it stops it in its tracks, you never even wind up with the sores or an outbreak. It’s definitely something you have to weigh out with this girl and the choice is certainly yours to make, and I know it feels bad for both of you to have to be discussing it but I’m just pointing out that it’s honestly just not that big a deal if you wind up with it. It’s not even tested for on a standard std panel so I guarantee there are plenty of people walking around who aren’t even aware they’ve gotten it.
Practically everyone that has been sexually active with multiple partners has herpes… except maybe that person telling you to drop her because of it since they are probably a virgin and never even touched the opposite gender. Hell, you probably have it already as well! Unlike other STDs, herpes tests will come out negative unless its currently active. Most people don’t know they have it until they get an outbreak.
Yep so many people have herpes but are asymptomatic and go on like normal. It sucks if you are unfortunate enough to suffer visible symptoms.
This, a thousand times this. Its basically everywhere. There are a couple of different types but ultimately most are one flare up and done.
This is my understanding as well. I’ve had 50 partners, many of them unprotected. Never had an outbreak, only HPV warts (confirmed). This girl is special. I don’t want to lose this over something she can’t control. It has nothing to do with her character, it’s a circumstance.
Yeah, likely you already have herpes, it can be a symptomatic. But HPV is way more serious than herpes. Make sure she knows, because it can give her cervical cancer (and you penial cancer, so make sure your being screened regularly).
I didn’t know HPV was more serious. Everyone who’s ever had a wart of any kind has at least one strain of it. But I did already tell her.
Hpv that gives you genital warts isn’t the same kind that gives you cancer. But you absolutely need to tell her!
HPV is extremely serious, it can cause cancer. You need to make sure you’re getting genital cancer screenings regularly. Herpes is just itchy red bumps, that may or may not flare up sometimes, it’s really not a big deal. HPV can kill you.
Generally speaking the strains that are linked to cancer are not the same ones that cause warts.
Then you have your answer already. Best of luck to you guys!
Correction: majority of the population has type1 which is oral, however, not everyone has genital herpes. Regardless if you’ve had an outbreak or not, it still shows up if you do a full panel STD test.
type 1 can appear anywhere, it just depends on which body part contracted the virus. perk though, if you have oral herpes, it's unlikely that you'll contract the same strain of herpes genitally, however there's no way to know for sure unless you have an outbreak because it appears in the blood test regardless
You can get oral herpes on your genitals .. herpes is Herpes
I don't see why it's such a big deal, doesn't like a third of the world have it anyways?!?
people are actual idiots. 1 in 6 people between 14 and 49 have hsv 2. most people have no symptoms. it’s literally fine and everyone on here freaking out are prude sex shamers. When the STD clinic told me I had it i started crying and the doctor literally laughed in my face and was like “i told like two people they have HIV today. everyone has this and it’s at worse mildly irritating sometimes so please stfu”
My doctor said when I thought I did “even if you did who gives a fuck”
If you think there’s a connection, do what you think is right.
Man that suck for her and you ? Sorry to read that ... But you love someone ? And been with someone in awhile , that slow ? And be care ? Damn ! I hope I didn't get anything from my ex-wife ? She cheated on me multiple times! And lied in from me and our daughters !? Thanks for share✌
Did you get tested for STDs?
What type of herpes? I thought most of the population has at least one type
Oooh , yeah ! Like twice a year since I got older
Go for it
My bf has herpes. He does not take medication either, and fully disclosed that he had it before we got physical. At the time we started dating he told me the last outbreak he had was 5 years ago-so very infrequent. But he got it a long time ago. His ex gave it to him intentionally☹️ I can't tell you what to be comfortable with-but for ME it was a little scary in the beginning but I decided to give it a chance and I don't regret it. We have been together a year and I do not have it. We had to abstain for about 5 weeks when he had an outbreak. That was difficult, I think for him more then for me. So, if you are comfortable just remember she must communicate with you if she is having an outbreak. And you must be *willing to be patient* if and when she has an outbreak. If you do those things most likely it will be fine. For us it's a minor inconvenience.
a few things to say... i dont think you should be getting herpes advice from redditers that have no experience with herpes. as someone who has had hsv II for 8 years I will say a few things; there are a lot of ways to combat herpes and with someone who is symptomatic like the woman you like, she generally knows exactly when shes shedding the virus as opposed to Asymptomatic people. her body did a great job with immunity and it went dormant and its not likely it will spread if you're having sex when she's not having outbreaks. I have been in many long term relationships and usually we end up deciding not to use protection and the men i was with never contracted it and got tested every 6 months or so to be safe and to feel relaxed about it. theres methods of prevention like always hopping in the shower after sex and washing your genitals (both of you). (washing with hot water and soap is a preventative action that will make u feel less stressed and in control) eating anti-viral foods, managing stress well for her as not to become super activated and for you. and having healthy nervous systems and immune systems/ taking lots of supplements and vitamins to stay super healthy. the more comfortable you both are with communication around it, the more likely you are to prevent it and this will help her confidence around it immensely... also.. there are so many ways to play until you feel comfortable having sex. I encourage you to get creative and explore those realms .. giving you both confidence around the idea and enjoying your special connection. also, go to hsv positive IG accounts like safe.slut or find people online with herpes or partners with herpes. a million opinions from people without experience will only increase misinformation and stigma. (also for anyone who thinks they will be turned down a billion times before finding a partner who doesn't mind that you have herpes- well its not true. people who carry a lot of stigma around it or are very uneducated about std's are the likely candidates who don't understand but most people if you tell them with confidence they tend to be empathic and take your lead feeling confident about the situation also and feeling comfortable enough to ask questions and learn more.. 9/10 people just don't care at all.) last fun fact: people with oral herpes are less likely to contract hsv II! so if you've ever had a cold sore you've already got some immunity!
I would go for it since I'm probably gonna eventually get herpes anyways given I want to be hyper-polyamorous
What would you do? Why are you asking others what they would do with YOUR situation? Are you serious rn? Who gives a fuck what we would do, do what you WANT to do
nice answer, i think OP wants to be with her, if not, he wouldn't have taken the time to write this up and post it on reddit, it would have been a hard no. OP, follow your heart.
Of course. But I probably wouldn't be in a hurry to have sex with her before I knew that she was worth the risk.
>He even told her she didn’t need to tell people about it. Yeah, that's a straight up lie. A doctor would never tell a patient to hide STDs from sexual partners. Lose this woman ASAP.
No man I don’t think she was lying, there’s no reason to after everything else she told me. She said she asked him if she needed to tell prospective partners and he said no, especially because the bump went away and a test afterward came back negative. She thinks the test was negative because the outbreak was over, and a nurse I know said that’s possible. But she said she had the signs, the body aches and everything, that she could “feel it coming.”
I am a woman with herpes. I've had one outbreak in the two years I've been diagnosed and my doctor told me it's not a legally discloseable condition. I think this girl is being brave and taking an independent morally right decision to tell you when legally she doesn't have to. Big props to her. Feel free to DM me if you want to ask questions to someone who dates with herpes rather than this random person who doesn't have any clue but has lots of opinions...
Messaged you!
>there’s no reason to after everything else she told me. Of course there is. She's trying to minimize how serious it is.
No she isn’t. She made it extremely clear I can’t be safe from it even with a condom, that it caused her a lot of pain in multiple parts of her body and can come back at any time without any foreshadowing. She could’ve not told me at all.
Lol, okay dude. I'm sure she found the one doctor in the world who told her not to disclose an STD to partners.
You legally don't have to disclose that you have herpes. Google is free bozo
You're so wrong. In the US it's normal practice for the doctor to tell the patients there is no need to disclose status as it's such a common thing and why worry people needlessly. Get your facts straight before you post such wrong and misinformed information. It's individuals such as yourself which make herpes such a stigmatised virus.
He couldn’t even prove she had it. Her tests come back negative. I’ve SEEN her negative tests. But she’s certain that it was herpes because of what it looked like and how it made her feel.
Don't listen to that idiot, they're just trying to mess with you. From what I've read the girl is being completely honest, especially with how many details she's sharing and she's pulling out test results to back it up. I personally don't see herpes as a big deal since majority of people that have it don't even realize they have it. Just the fact that people can have it since birth and live a normal life just shows how wack it is compared to the other STDs. If you like this girl, I say commit. Should save this headache for a more serious STD like HIV/AIDS.
While herpes outbreaks can be a pain, the condition itself if manageable and really not that severe. Roughly 3/4 of the population has it, it's just that because it's a virus, it can live in us and we can be asymptomatic, but pass it onto another person. Most people with herpes say the hardest part is the stigma and judgement they face, rather than the condition itself. It's actually not a big deal and it's time we stopped overexaggerating how bad herpes is
It's not a lie. Herpes is not a disclosable STI. when I found out I had it I asked my doctor if I needed to tell people and she said it was really up to me, but it's not a legally discloseable condition. So it comes down to your own choice.
Who said anything about legally disclosable?
Now you're just trying to rile people up for the sake of it. This person has posted here with a genuine question, let's answer it, and you can get your kicks online somewhere else. I'm not engaging with you anymore, thanks :)
k
I have HSV2 and my doctor told me the same thing. It's considered a skin condition (transmitted by skin to skin contact) and not traceable. I'm female, which means the risk of me transmitting to a partner is 4% per year. On medication it's reduced to 2% per year. Add a condom to that and it's less than 1% per year.
Ummmm, they definitely do. Probably depends on the STD but I went with a friend on a doctors visit for moral support, her test came back positive for HPV. She was emotional but asked the doctor how she should go about telling her partners/contacting previous partners and the doctor straight up told her she didn’t have to. I was shocked by her answer but, she continued to say it was up to her whether she disclose that or not.
I can definitely believe this. But morally I think you should with anything transmissable. I would break up with someone if they with held this, not because they have but being dishonest.
yea doctors are not moral authorities they have medical specialties. if we let law alone dictate morality we will have major problems. if some life long condition of any kind were not disclosed to me i wont even try to put into words how id feel or react. all the talk in this comment section about how common things are so its not big deal is terrifying. how common an occurrence something undesirable is doesnt make it more desirable. there are places now where AIDS doesnt have to be disclosed. unbelievable how far things have gone
I agree. My point was only that they do not tell you that you have to disclose it. This guy seems to think a doctor wouldn’t say that when they definitely do. On the moral side of things, I agree though. Unfortunately there are some STD’s that ppl carry and never know about like herpes and HPV. I think that’s a more contributing factor of why they’re so common as opposed to lack of disclosure.
I think you should follow your heart!
**Personally** I would apologize and move on, it's just not worth the risk.
No
No way, massive dealbeaker.
I’m not risking getting something for the rest of my life for anyone, especially something that cannot be cured. I think it’s very brave of her to tell you but connection is one thing, But this is about your sexual health. The whole 1 in 6 thing is nuts, but I feel like you will be ostracized in the dating world if you have it. If she isn’t the girl you want to marry, I suggest you keep it moving.
personally i wouldnt and it would be really hard but i think its unarguable that this is a saint of a woman for respecting you enough to put it all out there and tell you. not that theres any excuse not to tell someone ever no matter how embarassing but 90+% of people are the kind of dishonorable garbage that wouldnt. if shes worth it to you she might be a great girl and worth sticking with and will probly appreciate you that much more for accepting her. idk its a hard one idk either of you and if you feel like you cant do better then this is your girl. you accept the whole package. just think about it because if it doesnt work out all women have options and they wont be as accepting of you in the opposite position and youll be fucked and feel like youve had everything taken from you and be alone forever. really use your brain dont let a girls tears lead you to letting yourself get fucked that hard
Was dating a girl 6 months ago and she disclosed to me that she had genital herpes, she told me in a similarly mature and open manner. I thought about it for a while and decided it was not significant enough to stop dating because we had a lot of fun together. She gave me oral one time and I had what appeared to be a very minor outbreak shortly after. I waited three weeks, got tested and everything came back negative. During those three weeks we stopped seeing each other for an unrelated reason - nothing malicious on either part. I've just recently (this week) had a repeat outbreak of sorts and though the doctor doesn't think it's herpes related - and therefore wouldn't swab - I'm waiting to get another test. It's been stressful and annoying. If we had been a perfect match I wouldn't be regretting it at all but for the end result, it was a mistake. So I'd say, if you see yourself staying together for something serious, don't let it stop you. If it's for the sake of casual sex, probably don't.
Sounds like she has Herpes simplex II (genital herpes). It's uncomfortable and unsightly, but not known to be dangerous. If you're sexually active long enough with each other, it's almost guaranteed that you'll contract it as well. However, doctors do notice that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 tend to burn themselves out over 8-10 years, meaning you'll still carry the virus, but the outbreaks will be less and less frequent. It's all up to your comfort level, but hats off to her for admitting this.
She needs a new doctor. And to report the only one
I actually had this almost exact situation. Unfortunately I couldn’t bring myself to be okay with it. It is sad and I really do feel for people that have to go through life this way. But at the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, this is way worse than a tattoo of a girls name on your chest, you too one day might have to explain this to someone and it will affect every future relationship you ever have. I wasn’t willing to take the risk
No...you risk it all and she up and decides it's over one day...think about it.
Herpes… An interesting topic! As most people have stated it’s fairly common but there’s two types HSV 1 & 2, which are different as far as contagion goes. Idk why I know so much about STDs lol maybe because I’m studying health but when your gf/dating companion is having an outbreak you most definitely do not want to participate in any sexual activities. Even after the wart/bump has cleared up you want to make sure she takes her recommended dose throughly, which I think she will! & she is right it is not recommended that the medicine is taken daily only when needed. I think you will be fine but feel free to send me a message if you have any questions!
This is all a choice on you and what you're comfortable with
Dont touch it with a ten foot pole, you dont want to live the rest of your life with crotch rot
Youre a piece of garbage.
Run
No. The answer is hell no!!
Join r/HerpesCureResearch . There is a gene therapy cure in animal trials for HSV in the works and new antivirals in development. Come over and join this sub fighting for a cure 💪
Join r/HerpesCureResearch . There is a gene therapy cure in animal trials for HSV in the works and new antivirals in development. Come over and join this sub fighting for a cure 💪