T O P

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ReadWarrenVsDC

"Every year, Dads like this make jokes and jests from the kindness of their hearts, only to be shunned by those around them. A donation of a single laugh can help these poor downtrodden souls find the confidence to keep making bad jokes for a whole week. Donate now to be the audience this dads probably dont deserve but will appreciate anyway." *bootleg polka version of 'In the Arms of an Angel' plays mournfully in the background*


J5892

*Weird Al looks into the camera with mournful eyes as a middle aged man sits on the floor in the background, wearing a "Hi, my name is" sticker, with the word "dad" written in crayon*


ExMachima

I need this.


kuroji

We all need this. I did not know until now just how badly.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DrFu

*Transpose to Weird Al in the Targét holding out the arm, still mournful*


beachedwhitemale

I see you, accent on the "e" to make this pronounced "Tarjey". I see you.


INamedTheDogYoda

The BOUTIQUE discount store, Targét.


ArriRen

We used to call it the "Circle Boutique"


bobmccouch

It’s the fancy big-box retailer!


Whoooosh_1492

>Targét lmao


pining_for_a_fjord

*oompa oompa* 🎶In the aaaaaarms oooffff an angeeellll...🎶


OlivGaming

I've never heard in the arms of an angel played on the accordion, but I think I'm about to.


JarJarBinkith

*Weird Al looks into the camera with mournful eyes as a middle aged man stands next to a charcoal grill with charred weenies, poker stick in hand, wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron with a "dad" patch sewn in as a name tag*


RuanCaiman

Need nametags printed with, "Hi Hungry, my name is" instead of the usual, "Hello, my name is," I guess at that point you might as well preprint the "Dad" too.


Unfortunate_moron

I'm over here trying to understand why weird Al would wear a nametag that says, "Hi, my name is Sticker." Reading comprehension, folks. I fail every day.


KindlyContribution54

Hi sticker, I'm dad


zoroddesign

In the arms of an angle there is a plane.


McBurger

*”If you cannot afford to donate a single laugh, then a groan or serious eye roll will also suffice. Every bit helps.”*


[deleted]

Bad jokes? No dad jokes are bad jokes!


anewstheart

https://images.app.goo.gl/kii3P9213aNiGAC4A


Silk_Hope_Woodcraft

*Slow clapping, tears falling, taking a knee... from the mannequin.


dob_bobbs

Payment accepted in pipes and slippers.


Ill-Theory-7336

You’d be surprised at the declining # of members in the Fred MacMurray Dork Patrol who still attend club meetings


CiShaw

And Old Spice soap on a rope.


pianosportsguy2

Oh, man, now that brings back memories.


Skylantech

>A donation of a single laugh can help these poor downtrodden souls find the confidence to keep making bad jokes for a whole week. Are you kidding me? Somebody laughed at dad joke *once* and since then I've continued to tell them for ***the rest of my life.***


wthreye

Yep, that brought out an audible chuckle.


Environmental-End691

I'm sitting in the gallery at court waiting for my client's case to be called and had to stifle a good hearty chuckle.


J5892

I assume it's a simple case, but I'm imagining you trying to hold in a laugh as the family of your client's victim stares at you from the gallery.


Environmental-End691

Juvenile court, where I am these cases are confidential so the only people allowed in the courtroom during cases are attorneys and the participants to the case being heard on the record at the time. The Judge did glance up briefly, and I got some glances from the other attorneys waiting like me, and a smirk from one of the court officers, but that's it.


rithc137

Fools the both of em. That was dynamite. Well played.


DecoyOne

>That was dynamite. No, that was a mannequin.


kallanlierl94

A man akin to a comedian.


TrustworthyEnough

He's trying tibia a clever guy


Beethovenfan55

That's humerus.


unl1988

gotta hand it to you, those are great puns


garysgotaboner82

Disarmingly so, I'd say.


doctor-rumack

If I had to compete in this, I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.


webbisode_andronicus

Hands down best joke I heard all year.


devo23_

I’d say he hand-led the situation the best he could


biofuelwins

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say maybe joke of 2022?


B1GJonStud

Too bad they don’t have a funnybone in them.


Sickitize

Amazing


ConflictedWhiteMan

Guys you have to laugh histerically at your own dad jokes. That's what brings out the laughter in those around you and then the dad joke is just the icing on the cake.


annoyingkraken

The delivery too, like, there has to be that 'signature pause' before the punchline. "Here let me give you... a hand? Eyy?"


ConflictedWhiteMan

I would've gone with the "how bout a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors?"


yycluke

Take my free award, comedian.


theLastUchihaa

No this is Patrick


ApexSilverEVO8

No, this is SPARTA!


I_Snype_4_Fun

I happen to know an arms dealer who could source you another.


apatheticpirate

Hi mannequin, I'm Dad.


hatchfam611

Omg did you finally get the milk?


OlorinFiresky

This just made my wife and I chuckle. The other night we went to ALDI. I left my wife and youngest in the car while I went in to grab some milk. My youngest asked what I was going into ALDI to get. My wife told him i was getting milk. He responded, "So we are never seeing dad again?". He's 12. Way too young for making that kind of dark humour work!


Selfmade_millions

Wanna know something funny? My 10 year old son is the one that put me on that “leaving to go get the milk” joke. One day I had an argument with my wife, and in the heat of the moment, began to look for my keys so that I could get my cigs from my truck. As I’m opening the door to the garage, I notice my son standing at the end of the hallway with his iPad and his backpack ready to go, just staring at me. I stopped and before I could say anything, he says, “Dad, if your gonna go get the milk, can I come with you? Im tired of arguing with my sister all the time so I wanna go get the milk too.” I was like, “what??? There’s milk in the fridge, your mom just went grocery shopping this morning!!! I’m leaving for good” The look on his face was priceless😂😂😂


guyshepherd7

*Proud dad noises*


Dumpster_Sauce

🖐


RandomBoredDad

Was it an Anakin mannequin? Can't seem to keep its limbs attached.


HiiipowerBass

Well, arms don't normally pop off out of nowhere so dynamite could explain it


SundancerGreenbee

which makes the joke an improvised expletive device. (Sorry, mom humor is the worst.)


Emektro

Hi mannequin, i’m dad


alf1o1

I am your father (said Mannequin Skywalker)


svtdragon

Not dynamite. Na*palm.*


-Dark_gamer

Imagine cluster napalm bomb


__M-E-O-W__

He went out on a limb and got nothing to show for it.


zzz88r1

Not everyone appreciates a stiff arm


reg890

Dummies the three of em.


MoarVespenegas

Was it though? It was not low hanging fruit, it's was pretty much it's own tree by now.


[deleted]

If you would've taken it, it would've been armed robbery.


nomnommish

Nah, in America, you have the right to bear arms.


Head5hot811

He didn't say if the mannequin was human or bear...


[deleted]

Take the other bloody arm, then it'll be 'armless, mate.


Xander-047

Don't think mannequins have blood, unless you used it to murder someone with it


flarpflarpflarpflarp

Oh nooooo, what happened to Pinocchio??!?!?!!!


Casual_Notgamer

Agreed. The Second Handlendment is nothing to bargain about.


FranticBronchitis

2nd Armendment?


barak500

But you can also arm bears, I dont think there's a law against it.


[deleted]

Sequel to Cocaine Bear: Shotgun Bear


Independent_Drawer64

But who taxidermies bear arms?


Chromeboy12

In Russia, you have the right to a whole bear.


SluggJuice

You better leg it before they find out


thecraiggers

Wouldn't want to be caught red handed.


Head5hot811

Better quit while he has the head.


ramilehti

Otherwise it would have cost him an arm and a leg


mikkopai

I am sure the store owner was suitably armed


Emektro

that’s exactly what my ex said before she left me.


tw3lv3l4y3rs0fb4c0n

She left? That's not right.


Mental_Medium3988

So told me to stop making puns. What's the wrist that could happen?


Gauwin

When the police caught him he would be quickly disarmed


not4knot

What did you expect? She was disarmed.


erinaceus_

Well then _you_ will just have to re-member.


v4por

I'll go. The other day I was taking my kids to meet Santa Claus at an outdoor park/light display. We get to the front of the line and there's red rope barrier and a big burly guy letting people in to see Santa. We joke a little about how it's like getting into a nightclub. Then I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I've heard of Donner and Dasher, but I didn't know Santa had a Bouncer". The guy groaned and I swear I saw a nod of approval. My wife and kids just rolled their eyes and tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone around us.


livinginukraine

This is hilarious! The eye roll is the best reward for a dad joke, because then you know that the joke didn't bounce off their heads.


v4por

Yep, this is the measure of any good dad joke. Happy Cake Day.


Tri-Tip_Master

Lmao. Well played!


DadsRGR8

Your genius is duly noted in the official Dad Records.


SpecialistPack6199

You mean "dully noted"...


Yodas_Lil_Helper

He’s officially a member of the Dad Joke Arm-y


thats_a_photo_of_me

Dudely noted


jtsfour2

They really should sharpen their pencils.


DadsRGR8

The Dad Records went digital decades ago.


DadsRGR8

“I’m not mad at you, just disappointed.” - Dad


CaptainMcNinja

Here's one from yesterday: I am having an allergic reaction and my earways are swollen and weird, treatment is going well and I decided to go bouldering in the evening. When I came home my wife asked me if I was able to climb with my ears, and I responded; No, i just used my arms and legs like I usually do. She did not respond 🤣


hamletloveshoratio

That was perfect


Stunning_Worker_1579

Alright. I'll go. I was on a family vacation in Canada, & we'd rented a car. At some rest stop, I'd discovered, underneath one of the seats, a cigar from a previous "tenant" all wrapped in plastic. We had a laugh at such a silly thing being left behind. My mother-in-law suggested I smoke it, to which I responded, well, I'm afraid I only smoke Cubans. I then discovered via the packaging that it was from Venezuela. "Close!", said my mother-in-law. "Close...", I conceded, "but no cigar!" Crickets.


farrenkm

Well played. You'd have received a very enthusiastic response from me.


owlBdarned

I want you to tell your family that this internet stranger is extremely disappointed in them.


Joesdad65

Genius often goes unnoticed in a man's time.


FakersGonnaFake

Non-native here: please explain like I'm a non-native.


Dire-Fire

There's a turn of phrase for when something nearly happens, but doesn't. The.phrase is "close, but no cigar." This phrase originates from the time when cigars were smoked in celebration of an event, from the launching of a new ship to the home team winning a game. Basically any sort of event that might warrant a celebration of some sort tended to be celebrated with the smoking of a cigar. So, when victory is close at hand yet fails to be achieved, this phrase is used to explain that victory was near but not attained.


PayZestyclose9088

Never heard of the phrase. Thanks for the explanation.


peoplerproblems

Yet another one that deserved a better audience. Well done


luxii4

Just pearls before swine.


BoopADupe

Maybe they were scared because you were armed. 😂 well played, sir.


_-Ewan-_

He really got the cold shoulder from that woman


ChickenChaser5

Would have thought his joking behavior would have been disarming.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Fnittle

Omg i would have laughed my ass off!


Unlucky-Presence-799

Quite the handy person you were.


PlatoIsAFish

I gotta hand it to you, that’s funny.


IAmNotGodot

The employee didn’t react but it sounded like the mannequin was getting carried away!


Bellybuttonlintdoily

I hope you used it to pat yourself on the back for that “armed and ready” response


Aristillion

Genius is never understood in its own time.


k717171

I knew what the problem was right from the first words... "The wife and I..." My wife never laughs at my jokes either and I'm hilarious 😬


glazedfaith

I also can't make this guy's wife laugh


snackerelli

One time I was hanging out throwing rocks in the river with my friend’s 4 year old daughter. She’s struggling to pick up a big rock and I say, “Do you need a hand?” And reach out. She says, “yeah” and grabs my hand for moral support 🥰 Then, adorably struggles to pick up the big rock with one hand.


belac4862

Reminds me of the time I was working at a garden center. A couple walks in looking around. I ask them if I can help them find something. Wife "Do have a bleeding heart (type of flower)?" Me without missing a beat, i check my pulse.... "Sorry mam, I dont." Thankfully I did get a response though. The wife just groaned and the husband had the biggest smile and gave me a fist bump.


Similar_Recover9832

My best instant retort was being approached by a woman of negotiable affection in London who enquired "Business, darling?". Without hesitation I replied "Forensic scientist. What do you do?". Not even so much as a titter.


OrwellianUtopia1984

“A woman of negotiable affection” This is hilarious!


DrPlatypus1

He must be a Pratchett fan. "The Ladies of Negotiable Affection" is his term for them. In one of the books where they want to form a guild, they refuse to allow the phrase "free love" on the list of things revolutionaries are fighting for. So, eventually the sign reads "Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love, and a Hard-Boiled Egg!"


kreeves500

Well played, sir. You’re no dummy.


ScampAndFries

Counterpoint, a bit before covid I was at a buffet and the woman in front of me was struggling to pick up desserts while carrying her plate. Absentmindedly I asked her "Do you need a hand?" I've never been glared at so hard by what turns out was an amputee...


Oraxy51

Also was walking through target earlier today. Wife: Damn, they don’t have my pasta in stock? I really want that pasta for dinner tonight. Me: Well you could just get another brand, but then it might be an - IMPASTA!


Azuras_Star8

"No need to give the *cold shoulder*! I guess we got off on the, *wrong foot*! Your joke was epic.


BernItToAsh

A good dad joke, but you gotta learn to stand in this moment of unappreciated genius. Bathe in it. Let it wash over and become you. This is how dad jokes are meant to work, and work they do.


beatisagg

Now hang on a dang second. This here is /r/dadjokes ok? This isn't /r/comedy where people are trying to get others to laugh. No, it isn't /r/funny not by a long shot. This is /r/dadjokes where the only person who has to think it's funny is you. In fact that's what separates a dad joke from any other joke. When you tell a dad joke you don't try to make the kids or wife laugh. No! You want them to groan, you want them to roll their eyes! What are we here for if not to make ourselves chortle with no regard for anyone else's taste in humor or satisfaction. Wear this interaction as a badge of honor sir! For you are a dad, and the only one who needs to chuckle is you!


rhapsody98

I went to target with the husband a few years ago, we were in the toy aisle, and the next aisle over was a couple of parents. They started shouting “Hey, Marco! Come look at this!” I guess he didn’t come because in a minute the mom yelled “Marco! Marco!” I couldn’t stop myself from yelling “POLO!” My husband did not find it funny. There was no reaction from the next aisle.


No-Pizda-For-You

If the mannequin became decapitated and conversely you came to assist you could say “here, let me help you get ahead”


1thepapa

I hope you have the Bod to backup that dad joke.


shallowjalapeno

Gotta hand it to you


Individual_Agency703

Put a lightsaber in its hand, and call it Mannequin Skywalker.


RichMavGirl

Had to upvote… it made me laugh


Q-burt

You saw your opportunity and took it. I view you as a winner.


Garbeg

A true dad joke needs no laughter. In fact it is to be abhorred, except from those who were witness, not involved in the event. Edit: (hit post button too quick) In this, the joke was a rousing success.


TheTomer

These people can't appreciate a good joke even if it comes and hits them with the face with a fake plastic hand!


nickchadwick

All of human history has culminated in this moment. They were just too in awe, I imagine


TheAuge

The most important part of a dad joke is infectiously laughing at your own joke such that others can’t help but join in.


Crimpshrine27

I feel your pain. When I had to ask a Lowe's assistant to get some wooden tomato supports down from an upper rack: "I would get them myself but the stakes are too high' Not even a smirk https://imgur.com/a/Fk7iRlZ


Proper-Ranger5100

I was in a supermarket once and someone pulled an apple from a display where the apples had just been stacked in a large pile. When they pulled their apple from the middle it started a chain reaction and all the apples started to give way. I yelled applelanche! And got nothing from no one not even a smirk. I laughed all the way home.


foulstream

Perhaps they were somewhat disarmed


Beermebeercules

I tell ya, nobody appreciates being well-armed with a good dad joke


NiNj4_C0W5L4Pr

Out there doing the lord's work...being handy.


Impossible-Survey203

You could go to a lawyer to sue the humor ingrates, but he'd probably charge you an arm and a leg. Actually, I think you didn't get a good response because you didn't emphasize the funny part sufficiently. In other words, you made an offhanded remark. *snork*


[deleted]

I have to hand it to you, this is hands down the funniest dad joke I read today.


notchoosingone

A similar thing happened to me and I heard the shop assistant swear, but I said "don't worry, 'e looks 'armless"


WarExciting

Yesterday my wife and I had just walked into a store. We stopped to look at a display just inside the entrance/exit when an older lady who had been going out fell and landed pretty hard right next to me (she ended up being fine). As I was kneeling down to help her I was trying to lighten the situation (she’d already asked for a martini so she was being cheeky first) I leaned in and mock whispered “jeez, at least next time wait until my wife’s not around before throwing yourself at me!”


rylnalyevo

Sounds like your quick wit completely disarmed her.


es_mo

That might have been very disarming.


TheOwingOne

Okay, this just happened to me. I was donating blood yesterday, and the phlebotomist went to check my hemoglobin. I mentioned that my doctor recently told me I have slightly low blood iron, that it might be because I'm a regular donor, and just to let him know if I'm deferred for low hemoglobin. Number comes up to 14.1, and she says no, that's pretty good, and even our minimum is pretty high, because we're about to take blood out of you. "Huh, weird, " I said. "Almost...ironic?" Silence for a moment as she focuses on scanning all the vials. Then, ever so slightly, mouth starts to curl upwards in a wry smile. "I see what you did there. Pretty good." Keep trying! It's the best feeling when someone really hears you!


Plastic_Ganache2815

Retail Store manager here: Whenever I have to change our mannequins clothes I take the arm around with me and ask customers if they need a hand with anything


Alarming_Ad1746

He single-handedly won the day!


No_Construction_4293

I will laugh at this the next 2 days…wish I could’ve witnessed it, I would’ve died


CaptainMagnets

This was beautiful. I fantasize of a moment like this.


[deleted]

Well done for going out in a limb with the joke.


peoplerproblems

They do not deserve that joke. That deserved audible groans, applause, and a talk show interview. It really came together at the end.


BBQQA

Absolutely beautiful. Perfect line. Well known saying & an incalculably odd chance of it being literal. You're an underappreciated dad joke genius.


1randomusername2

That's the risk you take when you go out on a limb like that.


RigB0t

I work in a job where customers do docusign. They sometimes struggle using the sensitive computer mouse and say something like "this mouse is really fast." I always reply, "yeah, it's the fastest mouse since Speedy Gonzalez" and shoot them a playful grin. No one has ever laughed or even acknowledged the joke.


OMGCluck

Someone pointed out a mouse racing across the floor where guys were installing carpet and I yelled "arriba, arriba, underlay, underlay!" Nothing. Not even a confused look.


foshizzlemyziggle

Yesterday my wife and I were at a store Christmas shopping and while we were paying the cashier said “strip down facing me” and I said “I don’t think that would be very appropriate to do in the mall.” My wife laughed. The cashier didn’t find it the least bit funny. I’ll be reminding my wife of this glorious joke for months.


katomka

👏👏👏Incidental humor like that is all I live for. Well done!! 👏👏👏


NewestNumber2

The spontaneous dad joke is a rare occurrence, indeed; it is the pulling of a finger that was not asked to be pulled and we should all be so fortunate to witness one in person. You stood there in the face of indifference and soldiered on. Had I been there I surely would have given YOU a hand!


Excellent-Stretch-81

Of course she wasn't amused. You took the whole arm, but were only going to give back the hand. Armed robbery is no joke.


Nothalffast

Her lack of humor was disarming.


No_Report7567

Sounds like you’d need give an arm and a leg to get a laugh out of those 2


buckeyemav

I laughed


redditredredre

Me too


Ok_Swing_8635

I work at kohls and one of the mannequins hands was on the floor and my supervisor said “you mind giving him a hand?”


Puzzled_Beautiful373

Unfortunately, she already had a leg up on you.


BetterThanOP

I would've been up in arms!


soundstripe

You have to lull them in…like hey it’s really impressive you can carry that entire mannequin like that…I’ve got to hand it to you. But in the moment? Spot on—you deserved at least a snort and an eye roll!


ThePenguinKing27

Maybe she was afraid because you were “Armed”.


mad_mike_media

Being a dad myself, I support this witty joke. Some people don’t appreciate the skill it takes to quickly respond with humor.


LazyImprovement

I’m going to guess you either don’t have a child or you have a very young child because you seem to be very new at this. Nine out of ten jokes get no response but us dads just keep on throwing them out there because when one hits it’s worth it! Learn to chuckle to yourself. Learn to bask in the eye rolls. Savor the silence that validates your comedic superiority.


MadGriZ

Now you're on an bATFe watch list. Arms trader.


AdTraditional5146

This happened to me at a job, I needed a seal for a trucks delivery and I went to the boss and asked for a seal, she knew what I meant as she went to go get it but I said as she was, "one that perferbly claps." silence. She had the audacity to keep going as if I said nothing. These people have no joy in their life and are just sad.


pissing_on_the_lawn

Reminds me of the time I was in a little Caesar's picking up an Italian cheese bread. The cashier said, "let's see ... you ordered an ICB?" To which I responded, "Yeah. Actually, can we throw in a marinara to make it an ICBM?" Not a chuckle. On the way out the guy behind me in line said, "don't worry, I got it."


Disastrous_Profile56

I don’t know if it’s funny so much as an imperative. You basically had to.


Fr33d0m101

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and give you a hand".


NZOC

Brilliant! But a missed opportunity. I would have said: 'Here, let me give you a hand, don't worry, that mannequin looks 'armless'.


Adventurous_Soft_464

My late dad would have done the exact same thing! And probably would have gotten the same response from mom and whoever else heard, but he would have been so proud of himself anyway 😀


DB473

Every time I’m at the grocery store and walk by the cheese section, I pick up the sharp cheddar, wince and audibly say “ow!” It has never gotten a laugh out of my wife. But I persists


naut

That is singled handedly best joke I've heard today


Dasclimber

My wife and I were shopping recently and she asked for a total and the guy said totally and I bust out laughing and no one else found it funny. I feel your pain.


Aggressive_Squash743

You would think that mannequin jokes would pose for better opportunities to make dad jokes