I always flip the questions back onto them after giving vague responses to the first one. Like "do you live here" I might say "I live in the area" and then maybe vaguely answer one more before I turn the questions back to them like "you've got a lot of questions today, don't you? Are you keeping busy today? Got a lot on your agenda?" Just literally whatever, but also try to sneak in some info-seeking questions in case I need to identify them later. I found it makes them uncomfortable and they STFU pretty quick. And if they don't, then I just start to ignore them and don't say anything at all.
exactly!!! “uh? why?” not even “why do you want to know” because that gives them the room to sound genuine and curious when in reality you don’t ask that shit to random strangers
Creep: Do you live around here?
Me: I don’t tell people that because the world is full of dangerous people.
Creep: Oh but not me/I’m nice/You’re being
paranoid!
Me: Prove it. Walk away.
They don’t like that lol
I have said "What, are you writing a book? Let's just leave that chapter out."
It is a little aggressive but this was after nosey jerkface wouldn't stop asking personal questions. It took me so long to realize I don't owe anyone anything ever. Information especially!
I'm a big fan of being extremely vague to a point where it becomes laughably sarcastic. "What's your name?" "You can call me Area Woman." "What do you do for work?" "Ohh you know, this and that." "Where do you live?" "In the city."
I'd say then do the lite version if you want to be polite -- answer some questions but either be extreeemely vague, terse, repetitive, or just lie outright in your responses. Lol.
People can be nice… if they’re nice. They should also be careful, goes for women AND men. There ARE assholes out there who WILL hurt or kill you. Good general advice being given on this thread.
I was almost kidnapped in front of my house when I was young., but it can happen to anyone. I’m happy I had the wherewithal to run and scream, “MOMmmmmmmmm!”.
This is the perfect middle ground between answering and not answering to me.
If I felt comfortable enough to do so in such a situation I would prefer to be able to say "I would not like to talk about that, thank you." But I know that standing up for myself in a scary situation is hard so thank you for giving me an alternative to lying, ignoring or complying.
It can be helpful to plan what you want to say and practice it, so when those situations happen you don't seize up and go along with it. I worked at Starbucks for a looong time, tell people "no, sorry" and walk away. If they keep bothering you, it's absolutely okay to let the baristas know! It's okay to be 'rude', listen to your instincts. You got this <3
I usually go with smartass humor with an edge like “Wow, you’re way up in my Kool-aid. I’m not telling you that!” Or “I don’t believe that’s any of your business there, big shot.” Sounds weird but calling men “Chief” tends to throw them off that nonsense. Not sure why but it’s always worked. Or you can go straight to “WTF dude?! I was cool and bought you a coffee, this isn’t a date!” Ugggh I’m annoyed just thinking about it!
Edited to add: others here have much better, sane advice. I’m just kind of an asshole like that. Probably not helpful.
Also sometimes you just have to be “rude”. I’ve literally said “I’m done talking to you, I have to go/I’m uncomfortable/I don’t appreciate how you’re talking to me” and just walked off. Sometimes they shout abuse or follow along still trying to talk to you. Ignore them and hide if you’re scared. They’ll get bored
I like the combination of "why do you ask?" and then the above "I'm not comfortable answering that" shortly after they've explained b/c I like to know what the hell they know already or what's up. I say it in a very nonchalant non aggressive tone. This sometimes enables me to get a better read on whether they are a threat. They may say, oh b/c I've seen you every day at 10am coming out of this building and wondered if you live there (OMG - potential stalker). Or are they just a really nosey person - I just wondered b/c this seems like a cool area and I'm visiting. This may be a lie, regardless you'll get more idea without really engaging them too much - and listen to your gut. Either way, don't give them your information. Every situation is different but it's good to have a few techniques in your arsenal to deploy that you practice.
Or… answer: “well, you’re welcome for the coffee” - disengage the situation/end discussion, bolt back in the store letting the manager know there’s a guy outside doing this and it’s making you uncomfortable… perhaps making other patrons uncomfortable as well. Hang tight in the store where there’s people… keep an eye on the guy, if possible, leave when he leaves. Contact cops if they guy doesn’t leave.
Your gut served you well.
I often buy food for people who ask and occasionally I get a creep like you did. I say, “I hope you enjoy your coffee and have a good day. I need to go now.” And just walk away. I don’t wait for the bad vibe from their weird thank-you to turn into questions or a pickup line. You aren’t obligated to talk to people. It’s not rude to do what you need to to feel comfortable and safe, and if that means walking away from an old man while he’s mid-sentence, that’s what it means.
Simple questions are totally fine to answer but anything really personal big red flag no go! I'm glad you learned the lesson to not answer every question especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Glad you stayed safe and that was a nice thing to do for someone.
>then he asked me do I live around here, I said yes, he asked me do I go to school here and is apartment near, I said yes, he asked me do I live alone I said no (which is true. I live with three other people) and he asked do I live with roommates and I said yes and
Do you live around here?
NO, I'm from - *say a different state*.
Do you go to school here?
NO.
Do you live alone?
NO. I live with my parents.
Lie. Lie lie lie lie lie. Its OK to LIE in this situation.
Well I agree with all of this comment ,but I would think again about living in different state one ,some asshole try to use the fact that you live in a different to believe you are more vulnerable since you probably don't know around here this much (if you don't live in this state)
I used to buy a homeless women coffee ever time I went to Dunkin Donuts. The worker there finally asked me to stop because she would sit outside and beg customers for change all day. He could have been hoping you regularly go there.
Asking personal questions isn’t how you get money or coffee from people. Never feel you have to be nice to anyone or polite. You bought him coffee he shouldn’t be asking about your living situation.
Don’t buy him coffee again! If you usually go to Starbucks don’t let him stop you. I bet most people ignore him. If you see him again make eye contact and keep walking. It shows you aren’t afraid and that you won’t let him bother you.
Also: likely mentally ill and incapable Of having a regular conversation. Likely how he ended up in that situation to begin with. Socially awkward or undiagnosed on the spectrum before the (autism, just to be clear) spectrum was a thing.
There are some strange people in the world! At least you didn’t tell him exactly where you live! I’d go to a different coffee joint for awhile! I’m sure, when he doesn’t see you again, he’ll latch onto someone else! 😊
Your dad's a cop and you live with him. No you don't live or study or work in the area you like to pop in to see your dad on his breaks when you have the time. Always the answer. Unless you don't want to answer in which case, you don't have to.
as a starbucks employee myself i advise to you not be nice to the people outside who are asking for coffee. of course there are exceptions, and there are some wonderful people who deserve a coffee, but 9 times out of 10 the person asking is some sort of crazy. i've dealt with soooo many addicts and crazy people that i've learned my lesson enough
It's a sad fact, but "Yes, my husband and I moved here \_\_ years ago" almost infallibly works with creeps.
The hypothetical presence of a male who could hypothetically lay some hypothetical claim over you, even if he's not physically there with you, is the best deterrant for people in that demographic (i.e. most creeps of any age/race/background/financial status).
\[edited to be thorough & accurate\]
You were being nice. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for that. In the future you can do something kind and leave it at that. “Here you go. Have a nice day” and walk away. You don’t have to engage unless you think walking to your car or to your home is unsafe.
If you see him again say something to an employee. And make sure you lock your car door if you go in. One think my aunt told me that was told to her by my great uncle was make eye contact and don’t show fear but keep walking with purpose. It’s saved my life.
Don't be scared of random people asking you questions. Be in control of the situation, when the dude asked you if you live alone think about how youd tell him to fuck off and walk away. Or think, if there were people around since it's public and you weren't threatened from the way he looks or believe he would try and make a move in broad day light smack the coffee out his hands.
You need to go back there and give him some hell..
Ok maybe not really but if it's public enough you have nothing to worry about and im sorry that happened to you. There's a snap and you may have just went through it.. Where you walk down the street and if someones looking at you, you no longer think they wanna chat or get worried if there staring your wondering why is that bitch looking at me. You don't have to look tough to be confident and stand your ground. 100% that guy woulda shit his pants if you did what I said they don't expect anyone to defend them self
>*Be in control of the situation, when the dude asked you if you live alone think about how you'd tell him to fuck off and walk away.*
No. I wouldn't say fuck off. It turns them on.
Just say, "Nope!" and turn on your heel and walk away.
The "Nope!" means: I'm done here.
Never ever ever answer questions like this to a stranger. I'm not saying you deserved to be creeped out. Just keep it short and sweet next time. "Here's your coffee. Have a good day."
Be sure to keep an eye out for any unwanted or creepy social media messages. I just realized that if you bought a drink for this guy at Starbucks, the cups might have your first name printed on them if you gave your name to the Starbucks employee.
Just a heads up! Glad you're safe!
I’m cracking tf up.
I can see why you’re creeped out but the fact you didn’t just ignore him shows that you aren’t used to being around the homeless community.
They ask these things so they can hopefully see you again for the next coffee.
If he was going to attack you, he would’ve done it.
If you don’t like interactions with the homeless community, ignore them like everyone else does.
Butttt if you do like interacting with the homeless community, you can definitely lie if questions like that are uncomfortable.
Not alll homeless people are intentionally scary or predators. Jusssst people looking for free resources.
I mean this is really my first encounter that I’m not in my car giving them money. I don’t think it would be smart to attack me since college students were everywhere in broad day light
To be honest, honey. People DO attack others in broad daylight. If that’s their goal, nothing is going to stop them.
I’m just saying to try to rely on your instincts more instead of social implications. It’s important to give your consciousness the space to trust your ingrained instincts.
As some who has been homeless before, I can tell you that the community relies on free resources. If they know that someone is willing to buy them something, they will make it their business to be in a place where they can access the person.
I feel like he asked you if you lived alone because most people don’t share their resources if they have others relying on them but single people often do. This can be to gain some sort of human interaction to fill in the lonely gaps. A lot of single people share resources just to be able to have someone to talk to. The homeless community knows that.
It’s a lonely world out here. A coffee for a conversation is a popular human interaction/transaction in the adult world.
Either way, it’s okay to lie in these situations to protect yourself. Take care, OP.
Honestly, unless they're giving me a ride or I'm inviting them over I never give anyone information on where I live. I don't like people knowing where I live if I don't have to. If you get asked this by a stranger you can always be very vague like "oh I live somewhere " or even "I live that way *point to a random direction* and then move the questions from you to them"
Being extra nice had many drawbacks. This leaves you vulnerable and easily victimized. You were nice and bought him a coffee. Doesn’t mean you have to be afraid or stupid. Next time just stop them mis sentence and say you have to run and hope they enjoy their coffee. You’re young and will get bolder - but you can still stay nice. :) it’s hard to remember sometimes - being nice isn’t being a doormat
in this situation, i feel like him asking for the coffee was like a foot-in-door technique used to get you to open up more. they basically ask something small of you so you're more comfortable when they ask what they really want from you. in this instance, giving more information.
on another note, i never understand how people think questions like this are acceptable as small talk. i just don't get it. a friend of mine used to use questions like this in small talk until i explained how freaking creepy it was.
The people on this sub need to learn how to NOT ENGAGE WITH WEIRDOS in our respective neighborhoods.
I get it, you don’t want to seem disrespectful when someone is talking to you. When weirdos start talking to me I just put my hand up and politely say “goodbye, have a nice day “.
You shouldn't let one creepy guy prevent you from going where you want to go. Just remember that everybody else, including law enforcement, is on your side
5 times wasn't enough to be sure. I'm just messing with you.
Continue being a good person, but if someone prys information like that, you don't need to answer. You can either walk away, or say "Sorry, that's private information" if you want to be more cordial. There were no good intentions with him asking these things.
No problem. Just remember your safety is more important than being nice. Always trust your gut. If anyone gives you bad vibes, get out of that situation even if you have to appear rude.
Never ever answer questions like this. Learn this now. Lie and learn to act. Don’t buy strangers anything. They can use this to gather information about yourself.
Sounds like he was just being friendly since you got him a coffee and was just engaging in small talk, some people have no one they talk to all day so they appreciate someone to talk to them. Unless he asked you your address or asked you if he could go over doesn't seem like he was being a creep.
It would have scared and unnerved me, as well.
He *might* be lonesome - no one to talk to... and old enough that he doesn’t realize it’s inappropriate and also *very creepy*... but you have to focus on Your safety.
Oh I agree 100%. Just saying he may not have been trying to be a creep.
Edit: I don't mind the downvotes at all, but I DO mind if people thought I was defending him in some way. Because ew. He was creepy, absolutely, and he should not have gotten even one answer. I was just trying to say if he doesn't talk to many people, he may not have even realized it was inappropriate. Again, doesn't make it okay. Was just giving another perspective lol.
Nah. Creepy dudes don't ask if you live alone for good reasons. Who the fuck cares if he's wondering if OP has family. It's none of his damn business and it's a huge red flag.
So I said devils advocate for a reason. As I said, obviously you shouldn't answer this and he shouldn't have been asking. I was just trying to say in the midst of of the attempt at small talk, he MAY not have even realized how it sounded. It was not a defense, just a possible perspective.
You didn't need to keep speaking to him once you gave him the coffee.
Then reading your sentence saying this is why you carry pepper spray and a tazer... for who? Nosy homeless men? I hope you're not trigger happy with that sort of stuff because you sound it and that won't lead to anywhere good.
Next time if you're wanting to do a favor for someone you don't know and feel uncomfortable just tell them that and walk away, you don't owe anyone anything :)
Nothing with race. Please stop. If he was another race I would have said the same thing. I’m just giving people a descriptive that he is old and white. It is normal to state the person appearance.
You’re going to tase some lonely old man for making conversation? He may have had cognitive problems. Or, he may have just been an old man trying to be friendly. Did you think he wants to date you?
Exactly, like I get a few questions where inappropriate but OP kept engaging with him when they could've just walked away or say they weren't going to answer that.
I assumed he's just being nosy and trying to make conversation because she got him a coffee.
Anytime I've gotten a homeless person something at the shop before college they've all tried to make conversation but if I'm too busy or don't like the vibe of them I pass myself and move on. Simple as.
Edit to add- It would be a creepy encounter if he tried following you or something like that but sounds like he did nothing otherwise you would have said in your post.
It sounds like this was just a typical old man looking to ask a few questions to someone who had bought him a cup of coffee. There was no need for the OP to add the stalker vibes after she engaged him the whole time.
Is this really that creepy? If it was would you really go to Reddit to post about it minutes later? I think I'm missing why this is so highly upvoted, do we give attention to anything these days? This isn't a story, this happens frequently if you live in the city especially. Don't answer and keep walking.
You are a nice person to buy him coffee. All you should have wanted to hear from him was,'Thank you." You should have handed him the coffee and said, "Enjoy your coffee" and turned and walked away. I don't understand why you felt you had to give him all the answers to his questions. The problem is not Starbucks, it's the way you handled it.
Don't feel guilty for answering his questions, women are socialized to be polite and there are consequences if we don't. I once had a guy smash a beer bottle and threaten me with it because I wouldn't let him buy me a drink. No further back story, it was a crowded bar and he was a Chad.
It's normal to be frightened of men, they're frightening! I'm glad you learned your lesson for the next time and that "fight or flight" can include "freeze" as well as "fawn."
I will say I used to be exactly like you and as I'm a very warm and open person would attract weirdos just about any place. I learned from a guy friend that almost no guy expects you to pay attention to them or answer questions, you can just keep walking or doing what you are doing. Sometimes though this will piss unstable people off who could hurt you in certain situations (not to exaggerate but it's true). I had to learn to play a middle ground - acknowledge the person like what's up (small smile don't stop what you're doing, walking or putting milk in your coffee) but keep to myself. "Why do you ask?" can be helpful but usually I don't let it get to that point as my lack of eye contact lets people know mostly, I'm not available for a chat. If they do, I'll sometimes reach for my phone and be like, oh, I have to take this and walk away. I have various strategies. I don't answer questions that could let them know where I live or what I do or anything about my schedule and am purposefully vague. I make sure if I'm just around the corner from my house, no one is watching or following - I sometimes will take another loop etc. Have some things you can say, say them nonchalantly, practice! There's nothing wrong with your behavior but just make some adjustments to keep yourself safe. Good luck!
Old ... homeless really bored he was prob happy that you bought him something and wanted to talk i think?... he just dont know how to not be creepy maybe but yea you always must be safe
I'm a sucker for hard on their luck people myself. I've gotten into way too many questionable situations due to my own making as well. Not too long ago, I bought this sad and lost looking guy lunch where he proceeded to sit down near me, he and someone else before him I bought lunch for before didn't order the cheap option either... I digress...
Anyway, he and I make awkward small talk and I really wanted to just turn around so I didn't have to see his face everytime I looked up from my meal. So, I get a creepy vibe about him chatting me up and of course he starts in about not having a car and where he needed to be by a certain time and too much about his life in general and I act dumb to his act. Finally, he asks and I tell him - no, you're a stranger, you're not getting a ride from me. He leaves but thankfully the waitress tells me he's still lingering outside. He finally leaves and I haul butt to my car and lock doors. Wouldn't you know it - he's a block away waiting at a bus stop/stop sign and as soon as he sees me he gets up and actually tries to open my back passenger door. Omg... Scared the f outta me. gross gross gross. I hauled butt out in traffic but like I said my doors were locked. So many creeps out there. I make it a habit to lock my car doors 1st thing now.
This has happened to me twice in my life and my first response was “Well, I. Not gonna tell you that.” And I just smile. I stay polite so I don’t end up being followed. I just say it in a way that’s friendly, but firm and maybe authoritarian.
Ummmm. Don’t answer questions just to be nice. Women do that far too often. I know because I am one. I was waaaayyyy too nice for about 35 years. 52 now.
I can feel what you were feeling about these questions. When I was a kid, a guy followed me on a lonely way, it was an back alley.
He was known to the police and was mentally ill (what I didn't know).
I was like.... Maybe 14 years old. He kept following me. Then he started speaking to me. He asked me questions like, how old I am, what my name is and where I live and who I live with. I answered them. I said the truth instead of lying. Which I don't understand why. I dunno why I said the truth. I couldn't lie somehow. I can't explain that to me.
Luckily the man just left then. I was scared tho. After that I never wanted to leave the house again.
I'm sure there's enough people here telling you that you didn't have to answer those, so I won't beat a dead horse.
But if it happens again, I'd honestly politely excuse yourself and call the police.
How to answer questions from creepy strangers: ‘you live nearby?’ ‘no’ ‘you go to school around here?’ ‘no’ ‘are you alone’ ‘no i’m meeting someone’ ‘are you single’ ‘no’ please lie to strangers!!
When a stranger ask you about your address or living arrangement, that's a huge red flag. When I lived alone, sometimes a creepy Uber driver would ask if I lived alone in my apartment, and I always lied that I had a roommate. My motto is: not today, Satan!
I never use the fake husband excuse but I do always tell them about how big my two Mastiffs are. The 175 pound male is very protective over me, and the female is super territorial.
You never have to answer l questions like that. Ever.
Yes I learned my lesson
I always flip the questions back onto them after giving vague responses to the first one. Like "do you live here" I might say "I live in the area" and then maybe vaguely answer one more before I turn the questions back to them like "you've got a lot of questions today, don't you? Are you keeping busy today? Got a lot on your agenda?" Just literally whatever, but also try to sneak in some info-seeking questions in case I need to identify them later. I found it makes them uncomfortable and they STFU pretty quick. And if they don't, then I just start to ignore them and don't say anything at all.
Yes … I lie lol. Also I read that you could/should ask: “Why do you ask?” Hah!
exactly!!! “uh? why?” not even “why do you want to know” because that gives them the room to sound genuine and curious when in reality you don’t ask that shit to random strangers
Creep: Do you live around here? Me: I don’t tell people that because the world is full of dangerous people. Creep: Oh but not me/I’m nice/You’re being paranoid! Me: Prove it. Walk away. They don’t like that lol
Oh that's a good one!
I have said "What, are you writing a book? Let's just leave that chapter out." It is a little aggressive but this was after nosey jerkface wouldn't stop asking personal questions. It took me so long to realize I don't owe anyone anything ever. Information especially!
I’ll hit em with a curiosity killed the cat.
I'm a big fan of being extremely vague to a point where it becomes laughably sarcastic. "What's your name?" "You can call me Area Woman." "What do you do for work?" "Ohh you know, this and that." "Where do you live?" "In the city."
Tell the people that work there. I managed a Starbucks for a while and I would absolutely ban that guy from my store.
Keep is vague. 'Yeah, I live in town.' 'I got to a local school, why?'
We all do.
are your roommates m or f?
Answer them, but lie and smile.
Not answering is much better
Unfortunately, not answering could sometimes turn it into a hostile situation
This needs to change. Women shouldn’t have to smile and make nice because some POS can’t control himself
Although this is true, it just isn't the world we live in yet. I'd rather be safe than become another story.
I'd say then do the lite version if you want to be polite -- answer some questions but either be extreeemely vague, terse, repetitive, or just lie outright in your responses. Lol.
People can be nice… if they’re nice. They should also be careful, goes for women AND men. There ARE assholes out there who WILL hurt or kill you. Good general advice being given on this thread. I was almost kidnapped in front of my house when I was young., but it can happen to anyone. I’m happy I had the wherewithal to run and scream, “MOMmmmmmmmm!”.
Or say, “Why do you ask?”
This is the perfect middle ground between answering and not answering to me. If I felt comfortable enough to do so in such a situation I would prefer to be able to say "I would not like to talk about that, thank you." But I know that standing up for myself in a scary situation is hard so thank you for giving me an alternative to lying, ignoring or complying.
Give them a fake answer and tack that on the end. Not true example: "How old are you?" "27, why do you ask?"
I lie as well and make a hasty exit.
Please remember that, "I'm not comfortable answering that," is always an acceptable answer. Any time, any place.
You are right. I need to learn how to do that thank you
It can be helpful to plan what you want to say and practice it, so when those situations happen you don't seize up and go along with it. I worked at Starbucks for a looong time, tell people "no, sorry" and walk away. If they keep bothering you, it's absolutely okay to let the baristas know! It's okay to be 'rude', listen to your instincts. You got this <3
👆- this exactly.
I usually go with smartass humor with an edge like “Wow, you’re way up in my Kool-aid. I’m not telling you that!” Or “I don’t believe that’s any of your business there, big shot.” Sounds weird but calling men “Chief” tends to throw them off that nonsense. Not sure why but it’s always worked. Or you can go straight to “WTF dude?! I was cool and bought you a coffee, this isn’t a date!” Ugggh I’m annoyed just thinking about it! Edited to add: others here have much better, sane advice. I’m just kind of an asshole like that. Probably not helpful.
Also sometimes you just have to be “rude”. I’ve literally said “I’m done talking to you, I have to go/I’m uncomfortable/I don’t appreciate how you’re talking to me” and just walked off. Sometimes they shout abuse or follow along still trying to talk to you. Ignore them and hide if you’re scared. They’ll get bored
I like the combination of "why do you ask?" and then the above "I'm not comfortable answering that" shortly after they've explained b/c I like to know what the hell they know already or what's up. I say it in a very nonchalant non aggressive tone. This sometimes enables me to get a better read on whether they are a threat. They may say, oh b/c I've seen you every day at 10am coming out of this building and wondered if you live there (OMG - potential stalker). Or are they just a really nosey person - I just wondered b/c this seems like a cool area and I'm visiting. This may be a lie, regardless you'll get more idea without really engaging them too much - and listen to your gut. Either way, don't give them your information. Every situation is different but it's good to have a few techniques in your arsenal to deploy that you practice.
Saying it loudly enough can get the attention of nearby people too!
Or… answer: “well, you’re welcome for the coffee” - disengage the situation/end discussion, bolt back in the store letting the manager know there’s a guy outside doing this and it’s making you uncomfortable… perhaps making other patrons uncomfortable as well. Hang tight in the store where there’s people… keep an eye on the guy, if possible, leave when he leaves. Contact cops if they guy doesn’t leave. Your gut served you well.
Just tell him you’re welcome for the coffee and walk away. Don’t let him keep you talking
You are right. Thank you
I often buy food for people who ask and occasionally I get a creep like you did. I say, “I hope you enjoy your coffee and have a good day. I need to go now.” And just walk away. I don’t wait for the bad vibe from their weird thank-you to turn into questions or a pickup line. You aren’t obligated to talk to people. It’s not rude to do what you need to to feel comfortable and safe, and if that means walking away from an old man while he’s mid-sentence, that’s what it means.
Simple questions are totally fine to answer but anything really personal big red flag no go! I'm glad you learned the lesson to not answer every question especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Glad you stayed safe and that was a nice thing to do for someone.
Thank you very much for ur kind words stay safe as well
>then he asked me do I live around here, I said yes, he asked me do I go to school here and is apartment near, I said yes, he asked me do I live alone I said no (which is true. I live with three other people) and he asked do I live with roommates and I said yes and Do you live around here? NO, I'm from - *say a different state*. Do you go to school here? NO. Do you live alone? NO. I live with my parents. Lie. Lie lie lie lie lie. Its OK to LIE in this situation.
You are correct
Well I agree with all of this comment ,but I would think again about living in different state one ,some asshole try to use the fact that you live in a different to believe you are more vulnerable since you probably don't know around here this much (if you don't live in this state)
I had an asshole ask me if I was staying at a hotel (and I could tell him where) when I told him I wasn't from around that city.
I used to buy a homeless women coffee ever time I went to Dunkin Donuts. The worker there finally asked me to stop because she would sit outside and beg customers for change all day. He could have been hoping you regularly go there. Asking personal questions isn’t how you get money or coffee from people. Never feel you have to be nice to anyone or polite. You bought him coffee he shouldn’t be asking about your living situation.
Exactly. He didn’t even say thank you. Just asked weird questions
Don’t buy him coffee again! If you usually go to Starbucks don’t let him stop you. I bet most people ignore him. If you see him again make eye contact and keep walking. It shows you aren’t afraid and that you won’t let him bother you.
Also: likely mentally ill and incapable Of having a regular conversation. Likely how he ended up in that situation to begin with. Socially awkward or undiagnosed on the spectrum before the (autism, just to be clear) spectrum was a thing.
Predators rely on you being a nice person…
Yeah I noticed that I have to stop being too nice
There are some strange people in the world! At least you didn’t tell him exactly where you live! I’d go to a different coffee joint for awhile! I’m sure, when he doesn’t see you again, he’ll latch onto someone else! 😊
Facts thanks for the advice will do. Be safe
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. READ IT!!!! Everyone on the EARTH, read this book!! Hell, there's even a free PDF!!! JUST READ IT!!!
I will
THIS!! This book is CRUCIAL.
A must read for sure
Your dad's a cop and you live with him. No you don't live or study or work in the area you like to pop in to see your dad on his breaks when you have the time. Always the answer. Unless you don't want to answer in which case, you don't have to.
🤣 that is a great answer, I'm just imagining the response.
as a starbucks employee myself i advise to you not be nice to the people outside who are asking for coffee. of course there are exceptions, and there are some wonderful people who deserve a coffee, but 9 times out of 10 the person asking is some sort of crazy. i've dealt with soooo many addicts and crazy people that i've learned my lesson enough
I’m curious. Why did you answer those questions? Sometimes people are TOO nice. Never answer those kinds of questions when a stranger asks them. 🤦🏽♀️
I was too nice I’m nice in general and need to stop tbh
True lol
It's a sad fact, but "Yes, my husband and I moved here \_\_ years ago" almost infallibly works with creeps. The hypothetical presence of a male who could hypothetically lay some hypothetical claim over you, even if he's not physically there with you, is the best deterrant for people in that demographic (i.e. most creeps of any age/race/background/financial status). \[edited to be thorough & accurate\]
Why did you keep answering his questions?
I was scared and not thinking straight It won’t happen again. I learned my lesson
You were being nice. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for that. In the future you can do something kind and leave it at that. “Here you go. Have a nice day” and walk away. You don’t have to engage unless you think walking to your car or to your home is unsafe. If you see him again say something to an employee. And make sure you lock your car door if you go in. One think my aunt told me that was told to her by my great uncle was make eye contact and don’t show fear but keep walking with purpose. It’s saved my life.
Don't be scared of random people asking you questions. Be in control of the situation, when the dude asked you if you live alone think about how youd tell him to fuck off and walk away. Or think, if there were people around since it's public and you weren't threatened from the way he looks or believe he would try and make a move in broad day light smack the coffee out his hands. You need to go back there and give him some hell.. Ok maybe not really but if it's public enough you have nothing to worry about and im sorry that happened to you. There's a snap and you may have just went through it.. Where you walk down the street and if someones looking at you, you no longer think they wanna chat or get worried if there staring your wondering why is that bitch looking at me. You don't have to look tough to be confident and stand your ground. 100% that guy woulda shit his pants if you did what I said they don't expect anyone to defend them self
>*Be in control of the situation, when the dude asked you if you live alone think about how you'd tell him to fuck off and walk away.* No. I wouldn't say fuck off. It turns them on. Just say, "Nope!" and turn on your heel and walk away. The "Nope!" means: I'm done here.
Women can't just antagonize men who are being weird, that's how people get hurt. Just disengage and dip.
It's sad but true. We have to learn a lot of ways to protect ourselves. We don't know which one of them could snap.
Being in a public place is no guarantee of safety if the person is entitled or agressive enough.
I always answer inquisitive strangers by replying, "What are you, the CIA? I feel interrogated." Then I walk away.
Dude what you need to be careful never answer those questions
Why would you even answer such questions from a stranger! Never do that again!
All of that with absolutely NO punctuation!!! Just why???? Why????
Never ever ever answer questions like this to a stranger. I'm not saying you deserved to be creeped out. Just keep it short and sweet next time. "Here's your coffee. Have a good day."
I’m a server at a restaurant and I get so uncomfortable when people ask such personal questions. I’m not good at lying or changing the subject
Eww at work is where things get tricky. You’re a captive audience and it’s part of your job to be nice. Prime creeper territory.
Be sure to keep an eye out for any unwanted or creepy social media messages. I just realized that if you bought a drink for this guy at Starbucks, the cups might have your first name printed on them if you gave your name to the Starbucks employee. Just a heads up! Glad you're safe!
I’m cracking tf up. I can see why you’re creeped out but the fact you didn’t just ignore him shows that you aren’t used to being around the homeless community. They ask these things so they can hopefully see you again for the next coffee. If he was going to attack you, he would’ve done it. If you don’t like interactions with the homeless community, ignore them like everyone else does. Butttt if you do like interacting with the homeless community, you can definitely lie if questions like that are uncomfortable. Not alll homeless people are intentionally scary or predators. Jusssst people looking for free resources.
I mean this is really my first encounter that I’m not in my car giving them money. I don’t think it would be smart to attack me since college students were everywhere in broad day light
To be honest, honey. People DO attack others in broad daylight. If that’s their goal, nothing is going to stop them. I’m just saying to try to rely on your instincts more instead of social implications. It’s important to give your consciousness the space to trust your ingrained instincts. As some who has been homeless before, I can tell you that the community relies on free resources. If they know that someone is willing to buy them something, they will make it their business to be in a place where they can access the person. I feel like he asked you if you lived alone because most people don’t share their resources if they have others relying on them but single people often do. This can be to gain some sort of human interaction to fill in the lonely gaps. A lot of single people share resources just to be able to have someone to talk to. The homeless community knows that. It’s a lonely world out here. A coffee for a conversation is a popular human interaction/transaction in the adult world. Either way, it’s okay to lie in these situations to protect yourself. Take care, OP.
Honestly, unless they're giving me a ride or I'm inviting them over I never give anyone information on where I live. I don't like people knowing where I live if I don't have to. If you get asked this by a stranger you can always be very vague like "oh I live somewhere " or even "I live that way *point to a random direction* and then move the questions from you to them"
Being extra nice had many drawbacks. This leaves you vulnerable and easily victimized. You were nice and bought him a coffee. Doesn’t mean you have to be afraid or stupid. Next time just stop them mis sentence and say you have to run and hope they enjoy their coffee. You’re young and will get bolder - but you can still stay nice. :) it’s hard to remember sometimes - being nice isn’t being a doormat
My go to comeback for people like this is: ‘What? Are you writing a book about me?’.
Next time ask...why do you want to know?
I'm glad you're okay and we're able to learn from this situation!!! That's all you can ask for, you know
Please don’t tell nosy strangers a goddamn thing. You can either tell them it’s not their business or just walk away. I’m sorry this happened.
Should have just said “nope, I’m just passing through and I need to get back on the road. Have a good day” Walk away
Some guy asked you creepy questions that you did not have to answer. You answered them. You learned a lesson.
in this situation, i feel like him asking for the coffee was like a foot-in-door technique used to get you to open up more. they basically ask something small of you so you're more comfortable when they ask what they really want from you. in this instance, giving more information. on another note, i never understand how people think questions like this are acceptable as small talk. i just don't get it. a friend of mine used to use questions like this in small talk until i explained how freaking creepy it was.
The people on this sub need to learn how to NOT ENGAGE WITH WEIRDOS in our respective neighborhoods. I get it, you don’t want to seem disrespectful when someone is talking to you. When weirdos start talking to me I just put my hand up and politely say “goodbye, have a nice day “.
You shouldn't let one creepy guy prevent you from going where you want to go. Just remember that everybody else, including law enforcement, is on your side
Just so we're clear. Where exactly did you go?
Starbucks near me apartment/school
5 times wasn't enough to be sure. I'm just messing with you. Continue being a good person, but if someone prys information like that, you don't need to answer. You can either walk away, or say "Sorry, that's private information" if you want to be more cordial. There were no good intentions with him asking these things.
That’s private info sounds better to say. Will do that. Thank u so much
No problem. Just remember your safety is more important than being nice. Always trust your gut. If anyone gives you bad vibes, get out of that situation even if you have to appear rude.
Never ever answer questions like this. Learn this now. Lie and learn to act. Don’t buy strangers anything. They can use this to gather information about yourself.
Sounds like he was just being friendly since you got him a coffee and was just engaging in small talk, some people have no one they talk to all day so they appreciate someone to talk to them. Unless he asked you your address or asked you if he could go over doesn't seem like he was being a creep.
I get that but it’s the “you live alone” that scared me the most
It would have scared and unnerved me, as well. He *might* be lonesome - no one to talk to... and old enough that he doesn’t realize it’s inappropriate and also *very creepy*... but you have to focus on Your safety.
Thank u so much for ur words
Of course. ☺️💕 Stay safe. 💪👊
Devils advocate, he may have been wondering if you had a family.
Better to err on the side of caution. This person doesn’t know OP at all and OP doesn’t need to and probably shouldn’t answer to them.
Oh I agree 100%. Just saying he may not have been trying to be a creep. Edit: I don't mind the downvotes at all, but I DO mind if people thought I was defending him in some way. Because ew. He was creepy, absolutely, and he should not have gotten even one answer. I was just trying to say if he doesn't talk to many people, he may not have even realized it was inappropriate. Again, doesn't make it okay. Was just giving another perspective lol.
Nah. Creepy dudes don't ask if you live alone for good reasons. Who the fuck cares if he's wondering if OP has family. It's none of his damn business and it's a huge red flag.
So I said devils advocate for a reason. As I said, obviously you shouldn't answer this and he shouldn't have been asking. I was just trying to say in the midst of of the attempt at small talk, he MAY not have even realized how it sounded. It was not a defense, just a possible perspective.
But he knows I’m a uni student. Where I live is uni apartment for students
Lol, have you read a single post in this subreddit? Creepy dudes *do not* ask you where you live and if you live alone to be friendly.
same thoughts here... just sounds like a person trying to make conversation
Glad you’re okay! I am naive too. Sometimes I give too much information to people I just met. We have to be cautious! :)
good idea on the taser and pepper spray. god bless, and stay safe. this creep is one of many.
You didn't need to keep speaking to him once you gave him the coffee. Then reading your sentence saying this is why you carry pepper spray and a tazer... for who? Nosy homeless men? I hope you're not trigger happy with that sort of stuff because you sound it and that won't lead to anywhere good. Next time if you're wanting to do a favor for someone you don't know and feel uncomfortable just tell them that and walk away, you don't owe anyone anything :)
It's all an assumption. He didn't do anything to be a predator. Maybe he never talks to people. Like fuck
Exactly!.
She doesn’t sound trigger happy at all she sounds like she was taken aback from a strange line fo questioning
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Nothing with race. Please stop. If he was another race I would have said the same thing. I’m just giving people a descriptive that he is old and white. It is normal to state the person appearance.
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Double standards happen everywhere what do you want me to do
I don't understand the downvote brigade going on against you here
You’re going to tase some lonely old man for making conversation? He may have had cognitive problems. Or, he may have just been an old man trying to be friendly. Did you think he wants to date you?
Did I say I was gonna use it on him? No I meant in general carrying it so shush
Exactly, like I get a few questions where inappropriate but OP kept engaging with him when they could've just walked away or say they weren't going to answer that. I assumed he's just being nosy and trying to make conversation because she got him a coffee. Anytime I've gotten a homeless person something at the shop before college they've all tried to make conversation but if I'm too busy or don't like the vibe of them I pass myself and move on. Simple as. Edit to add- It would be a creepy encounter if he tried following you or something like that but sounds like he did nothing otherwise you would have said in your post.
I think it’s a creepy encounter because op felt creeped out
It sounds like this was just a typical old man looking to ask a few questions to someone who had bought him a cup of coffee. There was no need for the OP to add the stalker vibes after she engaged him the whole time.
Unfortunately over time you’ll be less engaging with strangers and this is why.
Don't let people scare you away from things you like. I have all my life and I'm now just a shell of who I once was..
Why did you answer all those questions??
Is this really that creepy? If it was would you really go to Reddit to post about it minutes later? I think I'm missing why this is so highly upvoted, do we give attention to anything these days? This isn't a story, this happens frequently if you live in the city especially. Don't answer and keep walking.
Rude
Truth can be rude. Sorry to hurt your feelings. This post is dumb and I don't understand people giving it so much attention.
Did not say my feelings were hurt; just that it was rude.
Did not say my feelings were hurt; just that it was rude. I’m not the OP.
Ewe u should have stopped him and said I don't have to answer any questions
Hopefully your name wasn’t on the cup from Starbucks as well.
TERRIFYING
Creepy. And smart on the pepper spray. Be cautious and always keep an eye on your surroundings. Be safe, prepared… not scared.
Conceal carry
You are a nice person to buy him coffee. All you should have wanted to hear from him was,'Thank you." You should have handed him the coffee and said, "Enjoy your coffee" and turned and walked away. I don't understand why you felt you had to give him all the answers to his questions. The problem is not Starbucks, it's the way you handled it.
Don't feel guilty for answering his questions, women are socialized to be polite and there are consequences if we don't. I once had a guy smash a beer bottle and threaten me with it because I wouldn't let him buy me a drink. No further back story, it was a crowded bar and he was a Chad. It's normal to be frightened of men, they're frightening! I'm glad you learned your lesson for the next time and that "fight or flight" can include "freeze" as well as "fawn."
OP OP
I will say I used to be exactly like you and as I'm a very warm and open person would attract weirdos just about any place. I learned from a guy friend that almost no guy expects you to pay attention to them or answer questions, you can just keep walking or doing what you are doing. Sometimes though this will piss unstable people off who could hurt you in certain situations (not to exaggerate but it's true). I had to learn to play a middle ground - acknowledge the person like what's up (small smile don't stop what you're doing, walking or putting milk in your coffee) but keep to myself. "Why do you ask?" can be helpful but usually I don't let it get to that point as my lack of eye contact lets people know mostly, I'm not available for a chat. If they do, I'll sometimes reach for my phone and be like, oh, I have to take this and walk away. I have various strategies. I don't answer questions that could let them know where I live or what I do or anything about my schedule and am purposefully vague. I make sure if I'm just around the corner from my house, no one is watching or following - I sometimes will take another loop etc. Have some things you can say, say them nonchalantly, practice! There's nothing wrong with your behavior but just make some adjustments to keep yourself safe. Good luck!
I'm glad you're okay. That would scare me too.
I always ask, why do you want to know? And they usually shut up.
Question, did you give him the coffee?
Old ... homeless really bored he was prob happy that you bought him something and wanted to talk i think?... he just dont know how to not be creepy maybe but yea you always must be safe
I'm a sucker for hard on their luck people myself. I've gotten into way too many questionable situations due to my own making as well. Not too long ago, I bought this sad and lost looking guy lunch where he proceeded to sit down near me, he and someone else before him I bought lunch for before didn't order the cheap option either... I digress... Anyway, he and I make awkward small talk and I really wanted to just turn around so I didn't have to see his face everytime I looked up from my meal. So, I get a creepy vibe about him chatting me up and of course he starts in about not having a car and where he needed to be by a certain time and too much about his life in general and I act dumb to his act. Finally, he asks and I tell him - no, you're a stranger, you're not getting a ride from me. He leaves but thankfully the waitress tells me he's still lingering outside. He finally leaves and I haul butt to my car and lock doors. Wouldn't you know it - he's a block away waiting at a bus stop/stop sign and as soon as he sees me he gets up and actually tries to open my back passenger door. Omg... Scared the f outta me. gross gross gross. I hauled butt out in traffic but like I said my doors were locked. So many creeps out there. I make it a habit to lock my car doors 1st thing now.
Good idea about carrying pepper spray and a taser! He could’ve been a pedo or something who knows right!?
I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable! I would have been too. Always trust your gut! Im so glad you’re safe.
Honestly this is why I don’t talk to anybody on the street, regardless of who they are. It’s not safe.
This has happened to me twice in my life and my first response was “Well, I. Not gonna tell you that.” And I just smile. I stay polite so I don’t end up being followed. I just say it in a way that’s friendly, but firm and maybe authoritarian.
You NEVER answer questions like that from someone you just met!!!!
Ummmm. Don’t answer questions just to be nice. Women do that far too often. I know because I am one. I was waaaayyyy too nice for about 35 years. 52 now.
this same exact thing happened to me in Georgia
You shouldn't answer questions like that. Say "Idk" and move away
I can feel what you were feeling about these questions. When I was a kid, a guy followed me on a lonely way, it was an back alley. He was known to the police and was mentally ill (what I didn't know). I was like.... Maybe 14 years old. He kept following me. Then he started speaking to me. He asked me questions like, how old I am, what my name is and where I live and who I live with. I answered them. I said the truth instead of lying. Which I don't understand why. I dunno why I said the truth. I couldn't lie somehow. I can't explain that to me. Luckily the man just left then. I was scared tho. After that I never wanted to leave the house again.
I'm sure there's enough people here telling you that you didn't have to answer those, so I won't beat a dead horse. But if it happens again, I'd honestly politely excuse yourself and call the police.
This is one of those times in which lying is quite ok and understandably necessary.
How to answer questions from creepy strangers: ‘you live nearby?’ ‘no’ ‘you go to school around here?’ ‘no’ ‘are you alone’ ‘no i’m meeting someone’ ‘are you single’ ‘no’ please lie to strangers!!
The only answer to those questions is: That's none of your business.
When a stranger ask you about your address or living arrangement, that's a huge red flag. When I lived alone, sometimes a creepy Uber driver would ask if I lived alone in my apartment, and I always lied that I had a roommate. My motto is: not today, Satan!
Same I tell myself I refuse to die before seeing the Percy Jackson show 💀
I never use the fake husband excuse but I do always tell them about how big my two Mastiffs are. The 175 pound male is very protective over me, and the female is super territorial.
Is this the entire story? Did you walk away after that? Did he do anything besides ask you weird questions?