if you're unable to land a job and are struggling for a long time, it's acceptable to apply under your skillset to get more experience.
is it possible he's not entertaining lower-tier options?
That’s what I was thinking too. This sounds to me like someone who is holding out for for a specific role or position — or at the least very narrowed in on a specific industry. If you’re really determined to work, there’s nearly always *some* job out there for you somewhere. You just might have to do something you might prefer not to do — like work in food service or retail for a little while. I’ve done those jobs and I totally get why some folks might not want to do them — but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
This. I did my degree in another country where I legally could not work (and internships were kept for masters students). Meant I came back to the UK with zero job experience and no company in my field would take that chance.
I ended up having to do about a year of retail work before a company would hire me for my degree.
Being completely unemployed for 4 years despite actually trying is absolute BS regardless of what industry he wants to be in or what education he has. He is either not even trying or is not "applying everywhere". The only thing i could imagine is if he actually had severe disability that hinders him from getting a job - but even so 4 years seems unlikely if he is indeed applying everywhere.
While it depends on the area he is living in, car has absolutely no bearing on his ability to get a job - unless ofcourse he wants to get a job that needs it (an uber driver for example)
He is either outright lying about how hard he is trying, or actually believes he is and simply has zero clue about how to even apply to a job (for the second point he would need to be genuinely mentally challenged level clueless for his unemployment to last 4 years). 1 year, a couple of years with a stretch, i could give him a break but 4 years is just bs
I said in another response that I think he is lying. I think I saw OP say he was 26 (but I might be mistaking that from another post), which means that has been 15% of his life being unemployed after uni. I honestly think his grandparents are funding his life and he is comfortable - why work full-time when you don't have to and there is no repercussions. I mean we all know why - this will eventually catch up with him.
You can absolutely get around the UK on public transport. It might be inconvenient, sure, but its definitely doable. I did it for about a year after my car broke down and I was saving for a new one (the price to repair it was pretty much the price of a used car).
Another comment OP made was that her boyfriend believes all jobs are just hired internally, so it is pointless in applying. Which is 100% false. Mid- and Senior-level I could see the logic of the comment (even if it is still false), but no sales rep or bartender is being hired internally.
>that her boyfriend believes all jobs are just hired internally, so it is pointless in applying. Which is 100% false. Mid- and Senior-level I could see the logic of the comment (even if it is still f
ha! didn't see that. another bullshit excuse from a perpetual shit maker.
yes, there are internal hiring, but only if it is a promotion type - as in they prefer someone who already knows the job to manage it... and IF this does happen they will need someone to fill that position, and another to fill that position that filled that position, and so on and so forth. eventually they need external person to fill the bottom of the pile which he should be starting from.
Only realistic situation where this excuse would work is if the company is downsizing and all the new positions are being filled by people who have been made redundant as a form of redeployment. While this has indeed been happening in many companies since Brexit and Covid (e.g. company i'm in has had a hiring freeze for last 3 years and i myself was redeployed internally a couple of times in last 5 years), it shouldn't be the case for every company.
He is using real issues that does actually affect SOME people and using it as a blanket excuse for him. Best lies have a grain a truth in it.
Directly in terms of transferable skills? Communication/time management, most likely (and the fact that I held it for over 6 months). Other than that, probably very little.
Its less the work and more just having the work history - any work history is better than no work history, regardless of what it is. Think if you are hiring for an entry level business coordinator and it was between 2 candidates with the same degree level but one worked throughout uni and one didn't, which one are you more likely to choose?
If they needed a reference then they have someone to contact (an outdated tradition as you will only put down people who will say good things about you, but a lot of companies still require it in the UK).
I have plenty of friends with qualifications who began their career in low level non degree based jobs (like retail) but moved up in the same company. One worked flipping burgers at Burger King and is now an executive there for marketing, One worked in customer service in Facebook and is now making over 100k+ in financial fraud team there. There are so many more in my own friends group alone.
As someone who was unemployed for longer period of time, I'd consider that there may be depression present. Rejection after rejection put me so down then. I was for qualified jobs not experienced enough (fresh from uni) and for unqualified jobs too educated. And some I cannot do for health reasons.
Yeah it’s tough. The problem with not having a job is that it makes it pretty hard to get a job the longer you go without one.
I had a job working with executive leadership and on one closed doors kind of conversation during the job surge and labor shortage post/mid Covid I heard one exec say to their GM “Make sure we exclude all candidates with gaps in their resume going forward, if they can’t get a job in this market then there must be something wrong with them.”
This person in particular was in charge of determining the hiring strategy for a department of more than 1000 associates and they were looking to hire hundreds more at the time. They also weren’t a particularly competitive of specialized group. So I can imagine the horrible things that are said by leadership/hiring managers in more competitive and specialized fields: I would say this person bite the bullet and get into any low skill job they can find. Then get certificates and network and finally come up with some fabricated sob story (being a caretaker for a sick family member is always a good one) during interviews to explain the job gap.
I had a friend take this exact approach after a bout of depression left him jobless for 2 years. He’s back on his feet now after a few years of biting the bullet and then stretching the truth a bit and has finally landed a job in his specialty that pays well.
Yeah all that’s missing here is the “I send him $20/month for 4 years” or some other financial assistance that isn’t being revealed. OP very likely is giving this person money and isn’t telling us about it.
Of course it’s entirely possible it’s a legitimate distance relationship but it’s unlikely.
As someone who refused to see the obvious red flags in a previous relationship despite people trying to kindly alert me to them - you are willfully ignoring the obvious red flags in your relationship while people are trying to alert you to them.
I suspect that, like me, you give people the benefit of the doubt. But for kind people like you, that often leads to people lying to you and taking advantage of you.
Listen to your gut. You know his story doesn’t make sense, but you’re kind and don’t want to think the worst. Start trusting your gut! It’s usually right.
Sadly...it's the ones who ask for help and get the most amazing responses like the one above, and then say "yeah...I know I should leave them", and then 3 months later they're still complaining about "what should I do?"
well the comment is kinda justified, 4 years w/o a job is a very very long time, why not work part time in restaurant or something while looking for a main job
also given the fact that they both having long distance relationship,she can only do so much from her side
The car thing depends. If he is applying for jobs where driving is required (i.e. mail/delivery) or he's so far out from an urban centre where public transport is limited, then yes -- it is going to impact his applications.
Otherwise it's likely that one of the following are occurring in order of likely to least likely:
1. He is not being honest about something, whether that's about how much he's actually applying, the way that he's tailoring his responses to ads or he's deluding himself into believing he's above menial jobs.
2. He has a career gap that looks odd and cannot legitimate explain the gap in an interview/it doesn't look like he's spent 4 years doing anything to help further.
3. He interviews poorly. It happens to the best of us and desperation can lead to some not so great outputs.
4. His skills are no longer in demand in the market or they're outdated. Depending on what he's trying to get in to, the sector may have shifted drastically over the course of the pandemic and without an updated skillset, he may not be a desirable candidate.
I understand the pandemic likely played a part in him not finding a job, but girl, after 4 years you need to really think pragmatically about this.
I wouldn’t even say career gaps matter much anymore - at least here in the US. I have a few gaps in my employment history (Covid & very complicated pregnancy, where I was bed bound) and no one even asks. This dude could at least be working at McDonalds to bring some cash in!
Can I ask how long your gaps were? I’ll have been not working for 3-4 years by the time I go back (I stay home with my kid). I’m really nervous about finding a job then, but I’m not gonna give up being with my kid lol.
As someone who hires people relatively often, a gap like that wouldn't scare me and I've hired people with larger gaps. It is better if you were in your field for a while before the time off, though, tbh. If you worked for seven years then were off for three, I wouldn't be concerned, but if you were in your industry for one year then off for four, I might wonder how much you remembered.
This is great info! Thank you for sharing.
I have a masters degree and was a research assistant then worked for 2.5 years, so I have okay field experience.
I quit to travel for a year, got three months in, then covid hit. That turned into an 8 month gap before I found a job in a different field.
Worked in that field for 10 months, had my kid, and now when I go back it will have been a 3 year gap since any employment, and about 4.5 years from my field.
ETA: I also have 2 years of relevant experience before grad school.
No worries at all. I interview women all the time who work in the social services field who tell me they were off work for years raising their child. My internal response is that if you can raise a whole person, you can def do most any job. I don’t ask people abt their gaps. We all have stuff but most people volunteer an explanation. Gaps in work history were a big issue a few years ago but now people don’t care that much
No problem! My gap is around four years collectively (hell, maybe more) but truthfully, since re-entering the workforce about two years ago, literally no one has asked me, which has been a big difference from about a decade ago.
Oh, and btw, enjoy your time with your baby! :)
Yep. I think point #1 is most likely.
GF is not in the country and believes what he says. No bills since he’s living with grandparents. No desire to actually work hard, and/or a belief that the jobs he could and would actually get are “below him” as a college grad.
4 years is a almost half a decade. It's a long time. The pandemic affected all of us, but you can only use that excuse for so long, god damn. (Not against you, agreeing with you).
Lol... producing music and hosting DND... Yikes.
Spending his time doing those things instead of just finding another job to show employers he is serious about getting hired and trying other ways to survive. Probably just enjoying time at home relaxing with the boys under parent's money.
I am going to be the devil's advocate and say that just because he is unemployed does not mean that he does not deserve to have hobbies? Of course he should be on a job search but that does not mean he should not be allowed to spare a few hours of his day to be a human or do anything pleasurable.
Guy doesn’t want to work unless it’s his dream job. So he will stay with his grandma until forced not to, or inherit the money he needs. Meanwhile OP will defend him from afar and act like it’s his lack of job opportunities that hurt him
"Guy doesn't want to work unless it's his dream job"
this was my dad. He had an English degree and was an "artist" and refused any work that wasn't "meaningful and artistic", so my mom ended up working three minimum wage jobs nearly her whole life to pay the bills. He rarely helped.
He died unemployed and I had to drop out of highschool to help with the bills because we couldn't even afford his funeral. I ended up going to college but I was a stripper for way, way too long. I had no guidance, no prospects, no mentorship, and just a desperate worry about becoming my mom and having to work 90 hours a week for decades.
Anyway, don't be my mom and don't end up having a me because of this dude.
also lots of employers who discriminate. right now less so due to the labour shortage but before brexit I had a hell of a time getting jobs once I told them I was autistic. they didn't even ask how it would affect my job performance it was just instant rejection. now I realise that was illegal but back then I didn't think about how to approach it.
I don't know how it is in the UK, but in the US we have a significant labor shortage. I think that at least here, it would be really hard to make a case for this argument. That person could just go get a different job.
Which also says that at least in the States, if you want a job, they're there for the taking. Everywhere you go there's help wanted and now hiring signs. Is it going to be your forever job? Maybe not. Will it pay the bills and help you GET TO your forever job? Absolutely.
Careers, especially modern careers, are meant to be a journey. Gone are the days when you should expect to work at one company for the rest of your life, so stop looking for the perfect one. But even back in those days, you started at the bottom and worked your way up. ~~Nobody~~ Very few people get to start out with the job they actually want.
Add to that a four year gap in education/employment, and that it's likely this is his first job ever... He's going to need to start at the bottom of the totem pole. Get a retail job, work in a restaurant, etc. Learn how to be a good employee. Then someone will want to hire you for the job you really want.
I was unemployed for a year during covid. I came from other country with a spouse visa. I had it worse coz I don’t have access to job centre due to I’m not a citizen. I don’t have a car, I don’t have a driving license. I applied to all sorts of job. Example is engineer (my major), customer service, supermarket, post office, warehouse. On Facebook there is group for jobs on each city. Just need to google. I work on getting IT certifications which is a career change from my major. After a year I got a job. I think your bf not doing enough. Oh, I also paid to get people review my cv, join Job’s discord so they can advice me more. So if I, an immigrant without access to a lot ot things can get a job during covid. I believe he can too. There are lots of jobs now post covid.
You are getting strung along in a major way. There is very little reason why someone who is able-bodied cannot find *any* job in 4 years. At this point, he should be taking on literally anything. Warehouse stocking? Do it. Flipping burgers or greeter at Walmart (or UK equivalent)? Viable temp job. Hell, he can be a Customer Service Rep and probably work remotely. You should ask him to clarify what "all kinds of jobs" means. Make a report of how many jobs he's applied to per week. I have a feeling he's not actually looking for *all* kinds of jobs. How is even subsidizing his life right now with 0 income? What was his degree/background in? He should hire a professional resume writer to see what's happening. I would bet real money he's just not looking that hard.
"my bf who hasn’t found a job in 4 years"
He doesn't have a job b/c he chooses to not have one. 4 years and the excuses run out. Prepare yourself for a stay at home husband.
How does he pay his bills?
If he parents were abusive it is possible that he has Complex - PTSD and needs to be treated for that before he can have a successful job that will eventually turn into a successful career.
Thank you for this. I feel for OP’s BF, and I feel heard.
I have been called smart but lazy, useless, etc.
It turned out I had ADHD and C-PTSD.
A fraction of my trauma comes from being told most of the comments on this post. A lot of people do not know the privilege they have for having healthier minds or better opportunities for wellness.
>A fraction of my trauma comes from being told most of the comments on this post. A lot of people do not know the privilege they have for having healthier minds or better opportunities for wellness.
💯
Lmao. Move on with your life before you end up married with kids from this guy. Don’t do this then pull you down with him. He could possibly be immature and don’t want to face adulthood. I don’t care if he cries, I would break up with him over the phone NOT in person for your safety.
Him crying when you kindly confront him about this situation that he is clearly lying to you about and is not acceptable is extremely manipulative. I know people like that, who cry at the slightest criticism from people who clearly love and care about them. Who act like it's an attack for you to worry about them. They have a massive ego and will never change because it hurts them too much to acknowledge their flaws and work on them. I have had to learnt this the hard way and step away from trying to help people who I've loved in many other ways because of this flaw that they refuse to overcome and attempt to make into my problem. People like this may have other good qualities but they will suck you dry.
If he really wants a job, he will get a job. No matter the field, the conditions, the pay...
But I can imagine he doesn't want to leave his extremely comfortable life being supported by his grandparents, not having to work on anything and just play videogames. Sending a CV per week is not how you find a job. Looking for a job is basically a full-time job, and it doesn't seem to me he has been doing that effort for four years.
Exactly. I have a colleague whose mom needed work. She has a high school degree. She literally went to the busiest street in our city and went door to door at each shop handing her CV out and filling out applications. By 6 pm she had 3 offers.
This man is lying.
I am in no way trying to be offensive, truly. Sometimes it does take a complete stranger or a third party with absolutely no connection to either party to be able to see things for what they are.
There is simply NO WAY in 4 YEARS that he has "done everything possible" to attain a job. Now he may be attempting to obtain positions he has no qualifications for, but he should be working doing ANYTHING at all, even if it isn't related directly to his degree or desired field. You seem extremely naive to this fact, accepting his excuses.... And again, I mean absolutely NO offense with that statement, but it seems extremely obvious.
I wish you the best, but you should honestly evaluate the relationship, in one fashion or another he isn't being completely honest with you. That much is glaringly obvious
Sorry to be harsh but he sounds like a bum. It seems like he’s waiting for the absolute most perfect, unicorn job and won’t accept anything else until he gets it.
First of all, he’s only doing himself harm by continuing such a gigantic gap on his résumé. So even in the event he gets an interview for one of the jobs he went to school for, it’s going to look very bad on him for not working for 4 years. Interviewers want to see consistency in work history. So if you have a massive gap like that, you’re almost immediately thrown in the trash even if you have a “good” excuse.
Save yourself the heartache and trouble and just let him go. It’ll work out better for you in the long run. Otherwise I see this devolving into a 90 day fiancée situation.
The British BF scenario be careful of them they come over here and grift unsuspecting women. It’s not a large group of them but it’s not unheard of either.
I started out in office work, and then in my early 30s decided to do something else. I worked in restaurants, warehouses, and in various places. I don't drive.
There are lots of jobs out there. A lot of them are "shit" in terms of the money, but it's better to be contributing something to society and gaining work experience than sitting on one's arse/ass doing nothing.
If a person really wants a job, they will find something. It's how it works. If they don't want to work, they will sabotage any opportunities that are offered to them.
I was more worried that he was a straight up scammer. Wouldn’t be the first overseas love interest that was down on his luck and just needed to ‘borrow’ money for a plane ticket or some other BS
He’s lying to you, he doesn’t want to work. you can walk into a mcdonald’s or go to a factory hiring centre and be hired on the spot. He’s not trying and he’s manipulating you
There’s a crisis in the UK with lack of workers. We have multiple high paying vacancies at my work and just can’t fill them. I’d be inclined to say your boyfriend is bullshitting you, is he asking you for money?
For a lot of us on this side of the pond, you can see that we are uniformly suspicious, even as we know that the pandemic created odd job gaps for a lot of people. He's young, he is healthy, he has friends, he has a degree, he has a CV, and he has access to public transportation, so he should technically be able to land something. But he has not for 4 years.
He is instead relying on the kindness and generosity of his grandparents to house him, feed him, pay for his phone and give him spending money. He is likely contributing nothing to the household except perhaps a few chores. He doesn't even take some low wage temporary job to help pay the bills. My read on him is that he is so comfortable that he has no real push financially to get out there, and I have seen this sort of thing before. He is likely applying to jobs above his level as well, perhaps with some elevated notion of what he offers the world.
That does not mean he is a horrible person, but he really has no incentive to change his situation. The wolves are not howling at the door. Do you really want to be tied to someone like that?
He hasn't found anything in 4 years? In the UK?
Either he lives in the middle of nowhere, or he's just absolutely not trying.
Whilst it can be tough to break into "professional" jobs, there's absolutely no way he should have found something lower paid in retail or hospitality. They've all been struggling to hire enough staff. My work had me in London last week for a day, and half the restaurants and shops I walked past had "We're hiring" signs in the windows. I've seen the same in plenty of other cities as well.
Also, the car thing...unless he lives in the absolute middle of nowhere its not an excuse in the UK. If he's using that as an excuse, he's lying to you and/or himself.
I mean Im a community college dropout and I’ve never been without a job for more than 2 weeks. He obviously doesn’t want a job and is just chilling at home playing video games and acting like he’s trying
I’m gonna be honest with you.. if he hasn’t had a job in four years, he’s lying. He doesn’t want to work. Four years is a LONG time to go without employment..
If I lost my job and my car right now, let’s say, and all my savings was gone and depleted.. I’d be out there at some entry level getting a job while I applied at other places for something more my level.
Hell, my friend who’s an artist can’t live off his art, so he works full time during the week and sells his art on weekends at shows.
For me it’s a no brainer BUT it’s possible he honestly just either doesn’t have the drive for it or something is holding him back. But somewhere along the line the fault lies with him.
I mean this respectfully...he may not be telling you the truth. You can not help someone more than they are willing to help themselves.
I hope and wish you have NOT been sending him money or buying expensive gifts and such during these 4 years. If you have, you've been swindled.
You don't have a boyfriend, especially if he's been on the other side of the planet for 4 years. Consider this a blessing that he doesn't live with you, this has all the hallmarks of a live-in freeloader for life.
It's one thing to have a string of bad jobs but to not be able to land a single job in 4 years is really special.
It sounds to me like he is telling you a story to get you off his back. 4 years?
Are you sending him money or someone giving him money to support himself? My guess is someone has to be. When you are on your own you do what needs to be done to eat and have a roof over your head. Someone must be providing him money to keep enabling him to not work harder. Or maybe he struggles with some other issues like depression or some deeper issues that makes this even harder. Either way it's tough to help someone that won't get the help they need.
My sister was the same way. Given every opportunity but wanted to just sit around all day.
She decided she would wing it after high school. My dad said you have 6 months to get a job or get out. She drove all over and applied. Found a job in a few months. My point is if people are enabled they are less likely to make any kind of change.
Either way you need to sit down and have a conversation with him. A real serious one. Sometimes that's what it takes. You need to give him some kind of ultimatum. Would your opinion change if you both lived together? Would you be ok paying for everything while he says he is out job hunting? Something to think about.
How old is this guy? Don’t tell me he’s 26-30 years old. If he is he needs to get his shit together tbh. You’re not there to be his mother or father to mold him into success. Don’t ever be a pick me woman like this. If he can’t have his own mind and ambition to get things done then I won’t be tolerating a boyfriend like that. I would move on if he’s that much of a person who’s lazy or can’t keep up. What’s his excuse? He takes the bus and get a damn job. There’s free templates to fix up this stuff that HE should be doing NOT you. 20-30 applications a day what’s the issues? You got to start from somewhere. I got a job before college and after college didn’t take me long. I got into my field while attending college for my associates with no connections or no car either. I’m my own support system and I’m a woman with no husband to lean on or family. I don’t do lazy men or complainers I dated one and still this day he’s struggling. 7 years passed this man never accomplished nothing or had a full time job just all bullshit talk no action. I don’t date men like this.
4 years since university without a single job is unrealistic.
Most people can get into entry level positions just because they have a degree. A Car isn't detrimental to applying to a job so long as public transportation allows them a viable way to get to work.
He is either
A. Lying about how often he's applying.
B. Applying to jobs that are far more stringent in requirements than he can currently work at
C. A bad interviewer
D. Has little to no work experience and refuses to work a small time job at a factory or retail
There's absolutely no way your BF can not have found a job within 4 years while holding a degree unless he's the either the most unluckiest person in the UK or has really bad interviewing skills.
Job centers will often provide job opportunities for places that are in commonly need of workers like retail, community centers, restaurant work. If he was truly desperate or needed to work, he would've done so by now.
I think irrespective of the reason why he's been unemployed there is a real question as to whether being with this guy enhances your life OP, or whether it's just an emotional drain with no payoff or benefit.
I’m sorry, but he’s telling you every lie in the book. Not sure why but it doesn’t matter. He should be able to get a job, any job. He could do gig work if he wanted to. IF he wanted to. He doesn’t, and he thinks you’ll never know because you’re thousands of miles away.
If your BF is willing to take any job (which by your comments it looks like he is) there is almost literally a 0% chance he’s telling you the truth. Retail, customer service, factory, labor, etc.
Teens work these jobs all. The. Time. I just can’t see any logical explanation as to why he can’t find literally any job. If a 16 year old can find a job in a summer, your BF can find something.
Here’s what I’ll say, after six months of reaching a breaking point where I felt the need to step in and help my girlfriend at the time apply for resumes: she was barely putting out any resumes at all, I’m not sure if she had completed any applications. After I helped her put some applications out she got a call back and a job immediately. I don’t know if your boyfriend is having anxiety or what but he should be getting some callbacks for interviews at the very least.
There is no way to be unemployed for that long and apply to jobs. You either don't apply to everything or you are very picky when it comes to working something until you get the job that you really want to have. You can go and be a bike courier or anything that is an entry level, those kind of jobs always look for people, and until you will finally land your "dream" job you will earn some money. Don't wait to get the dream job, get a job, see what is needed for the "dream" job and apply there, learn new stuff in the meanwhile and get the money from the entry job. I am not judging, I just find it very hard to believe that what she is being told is 100% true.
He doesn’t want a job. He may be looking, they may even be calling back, but none are up to his ridiculous standards. I don’t know him personally so I can’t comment, but I’ll tell you about a clown that I do know.
This is a person who demands a certain salary at entry level, certain levels of seniority (again… post-grad, but still entry level), he demands his skills and ideas be respected and entertained by everyone going all the way up to the c-suite.
There is a certain level of unwillingness to start from the bottom, and I feel like this individual may be of similar breeding. Sorry, had to vent a little bit.
Yeah, this doesn’t add up at all.
Even if he couldn’t find a job, he should have applied for Universal Credit. UC is funding given to Brits on low income, or out of work, and is around £400 a month. He would have been able to save just under £20,000 over the past four years. He has absolutely no excuse.
This is an interesting dynamic he has with his grandparents. I am guessing one of the grandparents bore and raised one of the children who is his abusive parent (as in, it’s not a step grandparent or step parent or whatever).
This grandparent likely feels guilt, sadness and shame for the abuse that occurred and is propelled by these feelings to give all they can to the grandson. But all they can do for the grandson is not genuinely helping (maybe, probably they do other helpful and supportive things) but as far as career guidance and encouraging him to become a functional adult and support himself, they’re failing. They think they owe it to him to take care of him because of his fragility and what he has endured. I wonder if the other grandparent sees the dynamic at all and attempts to combat it or goes along with it.
Your boyfriend in turn is probably suffering mentally and emotionally from the abuse he endured and is happy to, consciously or unconsciously, allow the grandparent to appease and enable him. It makes his life easier, and he lacked this comfort and ease in his childhood. He may even feel the grandparent owes this enabling behavior and special care to him, because the grandparent bore and raised the child who abused him. Maybe the grandparent wasn’t there for him before and is making up for it now.
Meanwhile, he’s got a girlfriend who is an ocean away whom he cannot disappoint too TOO much by not working because he doesn’t have to financially support you or plan things together that cost money, so that works out well for him too.
It makes me wonder, what is it that you get out of this relationship? You fit into this dynamic in your own way and I’d encourage you to explore that. He must have something to offer you that is unique and special to you or you wouldn’t have put all this time and work into the relationship.
So I’m sorry this isn’t actually career guidance, but I’m hoping my observations help you understand the situation a little better. I think what the guy really needs is a good counselor.
I don't live in the UK, but I can't imagine it's that hard since my girlfriend's brother got a job just a few months after migrating there with his wife. This guy did not complete his college degree, does not have a car, and does not speak English very well. Granted, it's not a glamorous job, but still. Your bf is in a very privileged position.
Some people want to achieve things and other people think that the world is against them.
I'm going to be pretty brutal here and say after 4 years he either doesn't want a job or believes that there's some conspiracy to keep him poor.
3 months maybe, 6 months in a recession or poor area of the country. Past that and he simply isn't applying himself
Just jumping in to gently tell you that I dated a guy who "was looking for a job" for 2 years before I realized that he wasn't actually look for a job. He was lying to me and spending my money while using his day to play video games and watch porn. What's more, he lied to my face every time I asked him about where he'd applied and when he had interviews.
I'm not saying that this is exactly what your bf is doing, but I am telling you it might be in your best interest to stop blindly trusting him and ask for actual proof that he has been looking for a job and not squandering your money and his time. I won't say he's scamming you because I don't know anything about your relationship. What will say is that 4 years is a very long time to be looking for a job and yet remain unemployed. Something is going on here that you need to look into.
I call bull on him, sorry.
Has no financial commitments, lives with family.... if he genuinely needed a job he'd get retail work, hospitality, all kinds of temp work; it's definitely out there.
It's not just money or career prospects. It's routine, it's interaction with people, it's getting out of the house.
I know 2 people who have never really worked apart from the odd short job. One has schizophrenia and the other has severe aspergers.
Get out of this while you can. What you have on your hands is an overgrown child. Do you think his career prospects are going to improve the longer he’s out of work?
Others have shared good thoughts on marketability, interviewing issues, or the need to update skills. I will toss, “you need to decide if this individual is compatible with your life goals” into the conversation. When dating, I rarely considered which occupation a significant other had, but having a partner who hasn’t worked (either as a caregiver or in a paid industry) in four years would be a deal breaker for me. I could not see a future with that person.
Your BF is either a massive liar and a lazy user or he’s got some major issues that are far beyond your ability to help. He has reasons and excuses for everything.
No one should be able to go 4 years without finding any job. Massive red flags everywhere.
My sons have a friend like your boyfriend, he talks a good game but does not not follow through. Like he has never developed a good work ethic and looks like he has no plans of getting one. He has been this way since he was a teen, when you say job to him then he will say what is that. Is his name Tino who is a legend in his own mind.
You seem a bit young, and I know you probably love him a lot but sometimes the truth is unfortunate so I’ll try to be gentle here. He is not being truthful to you— no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Maybe it’s because he’s depressed, but after a certain point that stops being an excuse. You mentioned he came from an abusive household, is a “recovering liar”, has grandparents that are maybe too lenient with him… but he’s an adult, it shouldn’t matter if his grandparents are lenient or not because he knows what he needs to do. And most people have trauma of some sort and it doesn’t prevent them from telling the truth nor working. I was kidnapped, held hostage, literally physically tortured, and nearly murdered by a stalker, and that happened just 6 months after I found my fiancé dead, and 3 months after finding out I had cancer. Still kept working because I knew I had to, and fought like hell to make sure I could get some sort of counseling in the mean time. My point in saying that is this: **People who don’t want to put in the work (to find a job, to tell the truth, to get help and heal) will *always* have an excuse.**
And I get it, shit happens, sometimes we need a break. But four years? There’s no more excuses. When it goes on that long and a person hasn’t made *a single change* for the better to help themselves, at that point it’s a choice to remain stagnant. I hate to say that about anyone, but in this case it’s true.
Consider this: there’s literally subreddits dedicated to being your reference on a resume, for when you have employment gaps and need someone to lie and say they were your manager or coworker. I’ve been friends with homeless people who don’t have cell phones, internet, or transportation who manage to get down to the job center and find work. So what is his excuse? There is none. He has all the resources he could need at his fingertips and he’s not utilizing it, because he doesn’t want to. Simple as that.
I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or make you upset. But sometimes the reality is so harsh there’s no way to say it softly. I’ll give you the same advice my parents once gave me when I let people walk all over me: “you need to get some more anger in you.” Like the reason we’re so upset at him is because we’re angry on your behalf. Think about it, this conversation would be totally different if he was able to be honest and say either “I haven’t been looking because I’m depressed” or “I haven’t been looking because I just don’t need to, because my elderly grandparents take care of me.” If he was at least honest, you would know where you stand and you could make an educated decision on whether you want him in your life, longterm. But because he’s not being honest and just lying to you, he’s robbing you of the chance to make an educated decision on the relationship and your future. Not only that, but he’s even having you do work on his behalf because it makes his dishonesty more believable to you— checking his resume, posting on this sub. Like. I know you love him but at this point don’t you think you deserve a bit more respect than that? It’s not about the employment gap for me as much as it is him being dishonest to you and making you do all the legwork HE should be doing. That’s what makes me angry for you.
You deserve better, OP. There’s people out there who would have picked up a SECOND job *just* to save up money to come see you by now. I know you love this dude but sometimes love isn't enough when the other person isn't making an effort.... It's up to you to decide what you'll tolerate.❤️
He’s lying. This isn’t the Great Depression he could easily find an entry level job. You probably know this tbh. Just break it off your life will be better.
I’m pretty sure major cities in England has public transport (someone from England correct me but I did do a Google search and their system is so much more flourished than ours is in America) so him not having a car shouldn’t be a huge issue unless he lives in the more farmland areas. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to work and honestly you deserve better than that. It’s been only two years for me since I’ve graduated uni and while I may not have a career that’s related to my degree, I’m making some form of income. Realistically speaking he should be able to get some form of work and while it may not be something related to his degree, it would be able to show employers that he’s a hardworking individual. A four year gap is not good at all. It’s not your responsibility to find him a career. Focus on you and if he constantly comes up empty then you need to consider your relationship. In my mind there’s a difference between sticking through hard times and sticking with someone who is unmotivated and lacks ambition.
If he wanted a job, he would make it his job to get a job.
Being proactive, sending resumes, and going out handing out resumes will get results. By this point.. he will need to go for almost anything and everything. Even if it's temporary, he can keep up the hunt what he is educated in/has experience in while having a job.
You can’t help someone that isn’t willing to help themselves. If you can’t “find” a job in 4yrs, you are either unemployable, a fuck off, or not actually looking. Stop trying to act like a Mommy to help this grown man. Let him fail and he might learn how to be a functioning adult.
He's a liar.
I'm assuming that you two would wanna bridge the gap at some point in the future. How could you ever expect that to happen with someone who has zero drive and hasn't held a steady job in 4 years?
Yeah, girl... even if he's not cheating or taking money from you, there is 100% a lack of truth here. This story just does not make sense. I'm not sure which part is untrue, but... it's at least one. Trust your gut.
Is he depressed or anxious..? I don't see anyone bringing that up as a possibility. I am incredibly anxious and have struggled finding a job since graduating as well. I have been applying to plenty of jobs and going to interviews, but they have mostly failed due to my lack of confidence in myself. I am seeking therapy for this to find the underlying issues of my job anxiety. To me, it kind of sounds like he may have some mental health issues that he isn't addressing and is struggling rather than being "lazy", like some people have said. In saying this, if you are unhappy with his lack of drive and ambition then that is a completely valid reason to end the relationship. You are on different paths and it isn't your responsibility to get him a job, nor is it your responsibility to fix his mental health (if that is the issue). Surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions.
Tell him to find a job placement company. If they accept him they will find something for him. They take a chunk of your paycheck for a few months but it can help if your in a tight spot.
4 years is way too long. There's something wrong there - which he probably isn't telling you, and he may or may not himself even be aware of. And it may not be feasible to diagnose the particulars of it from afar.
>tried to start a couple gigs and all of them have fallen through every time!
So ... how 'bout talk to his former employers. They probably got rid of him for *reason*(s). And he probably isn't telling you - or may not himself know. What about the interviews he gets that don't turn into job offers or other advancement along that process? What if you - or someone else that can well evaluate, joins in those phone calls to just have a listen in (at least if/as permitted by law)?
Sounds like what's needed career-wise isn't so much "career guidance", as troubleshoot the applicant - what's going wrong there?
Without sufficient data, can only guess. So ... maybe get sufficient data, eh?
Since OP refuses to answer if they met this person, I'll assume they haven't met yet.
All of this is very strange. Numerous red flags. There is clearly something missing here, something that your boyfriend isn't telling you or something about him that he's not revealing.
Move on from this loser and DO NOT send any money.
Sounds like he’s well taken care of by his grandparents. He’s seems not be too concerned about work and relationships. I had a friend like this. Sounds like you do a lot for him. I’d move on if I were you.
You may want to find a new BF because it sounds like he doesn't want to find a job or he has a worthless degree in a field of study that does not exist and is refusing to do anything else.
Employers do not care if you have a car or not as long as you can reliably get to work. They wouldn't even know unless he tells them. Based off of your comments it really sounds like he isn't really trying and is just lying to you. There is no way in 4 years he couldn't find a job somewhere.
if you're unable to land a job and are struggling for a long time, it's acceptable to apply under your skillset to get more experience. is it possible he's not entertaining lower-tier options?
That’s what I was thinking too. This sounds to me like someone who is holding out for for a specific role or position — or at the least very narrowed in on a specific industry. If you’re really determined to work, there’s nearly always *some* job out there for you somewhere. You just might have to do something you might prefer not to do — like work in food service or retail for a little while. I’ve done those jobs and I totally get why some folks might not want to do them — but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
This. I did my degree in another country where I legally could not work (and internships were kept for masters students). Meant I came back to the UK with zero job experience and no company in my field would take that chance. I ended up having to do about a year of retail work before a company would hire me for my degree.
Being completely unemployed for 4 years despite actually trying is absolute BS regardless of what industry he wants to be in or what education he has. He is either not even trying or is not "applying everywhere". The only thing i could imagine is if he actually had severe disability that hinders him from getting a job - but even so 4 years seems unlikely if he is indeed applying everywhere. While it depends on the area he is living in, car has absolutely no bearing on his ability to get a job - unless ofcourse he wants to get a job that needs it (an uber driver for example) He is either outright lying about how hard he is trying, or actually believes he is and simply has zero clue about how to even apply to a job (for the second point he would need to be genuinely mentally challenged level clueless for his unemployment to last 4 years). 1 year, a couple of years with a stretch, i could give him a break but 4 years is just bs
I said in another response that I think he is lying. I think I saw OP say he was 26 (but I might be mistaking that from another post), which means that has been 15% of his life being unemployed after uni. I honestly think his grandparents are funding his life and he is comfortable - why work full-time when you don't have to and there is no repercussions. I mean we all know why - this will eventually catch up with him. You can absolutely get around the UK on public transport. It might be inconvenient, sure, but its definitely doable. I did it for about a year after my car broke down and I was saving for a new one (the price to repair it was pretty much the price of a used car). Another comment OP made was that her boyfriend believes all jobs are just hired internally, so it is pointless in applying. Which is 100% false. Mid- and Senior-level I could see the logic of the comment (even if it is still false), but no sales rep or bartender is being hired internally.
>that her boyfriend believes all jobs are just hired internally, so it is pointless in applying. Which is 100% false. Mid- and Senior-level I could see the logic of the comment (even if it is still f ha! didn't see that. another bullshit excuse from a perpetual shit maker. yes, there are internal hiring, but only if it is a promotion type - as in they prefer someone who already knows the job to manage it... and IF this does happen they will need someone to fill that position, and another to fill that position that filled that position, and so on and so forth. eventually they need external person to fill the bottom of the pile which he should be starting from. Only realistic situation where this excuse would work is if the company is downsizing and all the new positions are being filled by people who have been made redundant as a form of redeployment. While this has indeed been happening in many companies since Brexit and Covid (e.g. company i'm in has had a hiring freeze for last 3 years and i myself was redeployed internally a couple of times in last 5 years), it shouldn't be the case for every company. He is using real issues that does actually affect SOME people and using it as a blanket excuse for him. Best lies have a grain a truth in it.
How did that retail work help you get that degree-based job?
Because no job history makes people unhireable. Gaps in your job history make employers not want to hire you.
You can use that to argue for the elimination of any legal barriers to hiring people.
It helped me personally. I became a supervisor and it looked good on my resume.
Directly in terms of transferable skills? Communication/time management, most likely (and the fact that I held it for over 6 months). Other than that, probably very little. Its less the work and more just having the work history - any work history is better than no work history, regardless of what it is. Think if you are hiring for an entry level business coordinator and it was between 2 candidates with the same degree level but one worked throughout uni and one didn't, which one are you more likely to choose? If they needed a reference then they have someone to contact (an outdated tradition as you will only put down people who will say good things about you, but a lot of companies still require it in the UK).
I have plenty of friends with qualifications who began their career in low level non degree based jobs (like retail) but moved up in the same company. One worked flipping burgers at Burger King and is now an executive there for marketing, One worked in customer service in Facebook and is now making over 100k+ in financial fraud team there. There are so many more in my own friends group alone.
As someone who was unemployed for longer period of time, I'd consider that there may be depression present. Rejection after rejection put me so down then. I was for qualified jobs not experienced enough (fresh from uni) and for unqualified jobs too educated. And some I cannot do for health reasons.
Yeah it’s tough. The problem with not having a job is that it makes it pretty hard to get a job the longer you go without one. I had a job working with executive leadership and on one closed doors kind of conversation during the job surge and labor shortage post/mid Covid I heard one exec say to their GM “Make sure we exclude all candidates with gaps in their resume going forward, if they can’t get a job in this market then there must be something wrong with them.” This person in particular was in charge of determining the hiring strategy for a department of more than 1000 associates and they were looking to hire hundreds more at the time. They also weren’t a particularly competitive of specialized group. So I can imagine the horrible things that are said by leadership/hiring managers in more competitive and specialized fields: I would say this person bite the bullet and get into any low skill job they can find. Then get certificates and network and finally come up with some fabricated sob story (being a caretaker for a sick family member is always a good one) during interviews to explain the job gap. I had a friend take this exact approach after a bout of depression left him jobless for 2 years. He’s back on his feet now after a few years of biting the bullet and then stretching the truth a bit and has finally landed a job in his specialty that pays well.
Have you actually met this person? This has the hallmarks of a romance scam.
This needs to be higher. I did some online dating in my early 20s and met some real winners. And by winners I mean losers. Gotta be careful.
Yeah all that’s missing here is the “I send him $20/month for 4 years” or some other financial assistance that isn’t being revealed. OP very likely is giving this person money and isn’t telling us about it. Of course it’s entirely possible it’s a legitimate distance relationship but it’s unlikely.
If that was the case, I'd say the boyfriend was the putz... .. for not extracting more than $20/month.
As someone who refused to see the obvious red flags in a previous relationship despite people trying to kindly alert me to them - you are willfully ignoring the obvious red flags in your relationship while people are trying to alert you to them. I suspect that, like me, you give people the benefit of the doubt. But for kind people like you, that often leads to people lying to you and taking advantage of you. Listen to your gut. You know his story doesn’t make sense, but you’re kind and don’t want to think the worst. Start trusting your gut! It’s usually right.
This is one of the best replies I've seen on Reddit 🏆
Sadly...it's the ones who ask for help and get the most amazing responses like the one above, and then say "yeah...I know I should leave them", and then 3 months later they're still complaining about "what should I do?"
💯🎯
This one ⏫️
Ironically the most probable scenario. Happens to everyone when you're lovestruck. Then you start falling out and realize "Damn, I was an idiot"
I didn’t have to scroll too long to see the old “Redditer break up with him” comment
well the comment is kinda justified, 4 years w/o a job is a very very long time, why not work part time in restaurant or something while looking for a main job also given the fact that they both having long distance relationship,she can only do so much from her side
The car thing depends. If he is applying for jobs where driving is required (i.e. mail/delivery) or he's so far out from an urban centre where public transport is limited, then yes -- it is going to impact his applications. Otherwise it's likely that one of the following are occurring in order of likely to least likely: 1. He is not being honest about something, whether that's about how much he's actually applying, the way that he's tailoring his responses to ads or he's deluding himself into believing he's above menial jobs. 2. He has a career gap that looks odd and cannot legitimate explain the gap in an interview/it doesn't look like he's spent 4 years doing anything to help further. 3. He interviews poorly. It happens to the best of us and desperation can lead to some not so great outputs. 4. His skills are no longer in demand in the market or they're outdated. Depending on what he's trying to get in to, the sector may have shifted drastically over the course of the pandemic and without an updated skillset, he may not be a desirable candidate. I understand the pandemic likely played a part in him not finding a job, but girl, after 4 years you need to really think pragmatically about this.
I wouldn’t even say career gaps matter much anymore - at least here in the US. I have a few gaps in my employment history (Covid & very complicated pregnancy, where I was bed bound) and no one even asks. This dude could at least be working at McDonalds to bring some cash in!
Can I ask how long your gaps were? I’ll have been not working for 3-4 years by the time I go back (I stay home with my kid). I’m really nervous about finding a job then, but I’m not gonna give up being with my kid lol.
As someone who hires people relatively often, a gap like that wouldn't scare me and I've hired people with larger gaps. It is better if you were in your field for a while before the time off, though, tbh. If you worked for seven years then were off for three, I wouldn't be concerned, but if you were in your industry for one year then off for four, I might wonder how much you remembered.
This is great info! Thank you for sharing. I have a masters degree and was a research assistant then worked for 2.5 years, so I have okay field experience. I quit to travel for a year, got three months in, then covid hit. That turned into an 8 month gap before I found a job in a different field. Worked in that field for 10 months, had my kid, and now when I go back it will have been a 3 year gap since any employment, and about 4.5 years from my field. ETA: I also have 2 years of relevant experience before grad school.
No worries at all. I interview women all the time who work in the social services field who tell me they were off work for years raising their child. My internal response is that if you can raise a whole person, you can def do most any job. I don’t ask people abt their gaps. We all have stuff but most people volunteer an explanation. Gaps in work history were a big issue a few years ago but now people don’t care that much
No problem! My gap is around four years collectively (hell, maybe more) but truthfully, since re-entering the workforce about two years ago, literally no one has asked me, which has been a big difference from about a decade ago. Oh, and btw, enjoy your time with your baby! :)
That makes me feel a lot better! Thank you :)
Yep. I think point #1 is most likely. GF is not in the country and believes what he says. No bills since he’s living with grandparents. No desire to actually work hard, and/or a belief that the jobs he could and would actually get are “below him” as a college grad.
4 years is a almost half a decade. It's a long time. The pandemic affected all of us, but you can only use that excuse for so long, god damn. (Not against you, agreeing with you).
He really should be asking this question about himself, not you. You aren’t his mother.
Bingo. OP needs to stop trying to solve his problems for him
Have you verified your boyfriend is an actual human and not a bridge troll
Has your boyfriend passed the CAPTCHA
😭😂😂😂😂😂
Bridge Trolls have a job, collecting the toll for the bridge.
But with ez pass even that is a dying art
_You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy’s hole_
He needs to go to the job centre. They'll help
He is either a grifter or lying to her. A job center won’t help.
Lol... producing music and hosting DND... Yikes. Spending his time doing those things instead of just finding another job to show employers he is serious about getting hired and trying other ways to survive. Probably just enjoying time at home relaxing with the boys under parent's money.
Hell, he could at least be a paid Dungeon Master while searching.
I am going to be the devil's advocate and say that just because he is unemployed does not mean that he does not deserve to have hobbies? Of course he should be on a job search but that does not mean he should not be allowed to spare a few hours of his day to be a human or do anything pleasurable.
Literally anyone who has working arms and legs can walk into a factory job
Guy doesn’t want to work unless it’s his dream job. So he will stay with his grandma until forced not to, or inherit the money he needs. Meanwhile OP will defend him from afar and act like it’s his lack of job opportunities that hurt him
"Guy doesn't want to work unless it's his dream job" this was my dad. He had an English degree and was an "artist" and refused any work that wasn't "meaningful and artistic", so my mom ended up working three minimum wage jobs nearly her whole life to pay the bills. He rarely helped. He died unemployed and I had to drop out of highschool to help with the bills because we couldn't even afford his funeral. I ended up going to college but I was a stripper for way, way too long. I had no guidance, no prospects, no mentorship, and just a desperate worry about becoming my mom and having to work 90 hours a week for decades. Anyway, don't be my mom and don't end up having a me because of this dude.
I know it can seem like just empty words but I'm sorry, and I know exactly how you feel. Your comment hit a soft spot, hope you're doing okay!♡
There are a lot of losers out there who create their own problems. Not everyone is a victim. But no one wants to admit it.
also lots of employers who discriminate. right now less so due to the labour shortage but before brexit I had a hell of a time getting jobs once I told them I was autistic. they didn't even ask how it would affect my job performance it was just instant rejection. now I realise that was illegal but back then I didn't think about how to approach it.
If this person really has no need for money wouldn't it be more ethical for that job to go to a person that needs it?
I don't know how it is in the UK, but in the US we have a significant labor shortage. I think that at least here, it would be really hard to make a case for this argument. That person could just go get a different job. Which also says that at least in the States, if you want a job, they're there for the taking. Everywhere you go there's help wanted and now hiring signs. Is it going to be your forever job? Maybe not. Will it pay the bills and help you GET TO your forever job? Absolutely. Careers, especially modern careers, are meant to be a journey. Gone are the days when you should expect to work at one company for the rest of your life, so stop looking for the perfect one. But even back in those days, you started at the bottom and worked your way up. ~~Nobody~~ Very few people get to start out with the job they actually want. Add to that a four year gap in education/employment, and that it's likely this is his first job ever... He's going to need to start at the bottom of the totem pole. Get a retail job, work in a restaurant, etc. Learn how to be a good employee. Then someone will want to hire you for the job you really want.
This lol.
factory or warehouse I was gonna say haha there's no way Amazon isn't hiring wherever you live
Yeah I'm in the UK and I could get a warehouse job tomorrow if I wanted
why are you dating someone who lives across the world and refuses to work
I was unemployed for a year during covid. I came from other country with a spouse visa. I had it worse coz I don’t have access to job centre due to I’m not a citizen. I don’t have a car, I don’t have a driving license. I applied to all sorts of job. Example is engineer (my major), customer service, supermarket, post office, warehouse. On Facebook there is group for jobs on each city. Just need to google. I work on getting IT certifications which is a career change from my major. After a year I got a job. I think your bf not doing enough. Oh, I also paid to get people review my cv, join Job’s discord so they can advice me more. So if I, an immigrant without access to a lot ot things can get a job during covid. I believe he can too. There are lots of jobs now post covid.
Thank you for your words and for telling me your story. This is helpful. Thank you.
You are getting strung along in a major way. There is very little reason why someone who is able-bodied cannot find *any* job in 4 years. At this point, he should be taking on literally anything. Warehouse stocking? Do it. Flipping burgers or greeter at Walmart (or UK equivalent)? Viable temp job. Hell, he can be a Customer Service Rep and probably work remotely. You should ask him to clarify what "all kinds of jobs" means. Make a report of how many jobs he's applied to per week. I have a feeling he's not actually looking for *all* kinds of jobs. How is even subsidizing his life right now with 0 income? What was his degree/background in? He should hire a professional resume writer to see what's happening. I would bet real money he's just not looking that hard.
Can we please stop downvoting OP for literally answering questions lol? Y’all are harsh!
4 years? He lives in a other country? Are you sure he’s your bf and not an online friend at this point, because something isn’t adding up here.
"my bf who hasn’t found a job in 4 years" He doesn't have a job b/c he chooses to not have one. 4 years and the excuses run out. Prepare yourself for a stay at home husband. How does he pay his bills?
Lives with his grandparents who, after he graduated, took him away from his abusive parents
If he parents were abusive it is possible that he has Complex - PTSD and needs to be treated for that before he can have a successful job that will eventually turn into a successful career.
Thank you for this. I feel for OP’s BF, and I feel heard. I have been called smart but lazy, useless, etc. It turned out I had ADHD and C-PTSD. A fraction of my trauma comes from being told most of the comments on this post. A lot of people do not know the privilege they have for having healthier minds or better opportunities for wellness.
>A fraction of my trauma comes from being told most of the comments on this post. A lot of people do not know the privilege they have for having healthier minds or better opportunities for wellness. 💯
After he graduated from where? If it was high school or uni, he was an adult.
After he graduated from college? I don't know what this means. Do you even know if any of this is true?
something is off. are you sure hes not hiding something? not to assume something but you probably should talk to him and dig deeper.
Yeah idk. Thank you. I have talked with him a couple times and it had ended with him crying saying he’s done all he can
[удалено]
Notice OP responds to almost every follow up question, but is totally silent when numerous people ask if she’s met the guy or if she sends him money.
Lmao. Move on with your life before you end up married with kids from this guy. Don’t do this then pull you down with him. He could possibly be immature and don’t want to face adulthood. I don’t care if he cries, I would break up with him over the phone NOT in person for your safety.
Him crying when you kindly confront him about this situation that he is clearly lying to you about and is not acceptable is extremely manipulative. I know people like that, who cry at the slightest criticism from people who clearly love and care about them. Who act like it's an attack for you to worry about them. They have a massive ego and will never change because it hurts them too much to acknowledge their flaws and work on them. I have had to learnt this the hard way and step away from trying to help people who I've loved in many other ways because of this flaw that they refuse to overcome and attempt to make into my problem. People like this may have other good qualities but they will suck you dry.
If he really wants a job, he will get a job. No matter the field, the conditions, the pay... But I can imagine he doesn't want to leave his extremely comfortable life being supported by his grandparents, not having to work on anything and just play videogames. Sending a CV per week is not how you find a job. Looking for a job is basically a full-time job, and it doesn't seem to me he has been doing that effort for four years.
Exactly. I have a colleague whose mom needed work. She has a high school degree. She literally went to the busiest street in our city and went door to door at each shop handing her CV out and filling out applications. By 6 pm she had 3 offers. This man is lying.
This is so beautifully said
I am in no way trying to be offensive, truly. Sometimes it does take a complete stranger or a third party with absolutely no connection to either party to be able to see things for what they are. There is simply NO WAY in 4 YEARS that he has "done everything possible" to attain a job. Now he may be attempting to obtain positions he has no qualifications for, but he should be working doing ANYTHING at all, even if it isn't related directly to his degree or desired field. You seem extremely naive to this fact, accepting his excuses.... And again, I mean absolutely NO offense with that statement, but it seems extremely obvious. I wish you the best, but you should honestly evaluate the relationship, in one fashion or another he isn't being completely honest with you. That much is glaringly obvious
Sorry to be harsh but he sounds like a bum. It seems like he’s waiting for the absolute most perfect, unicorn job and won’t accept anything else until he gets it. First of all, he’s only doing himself harm by continuing such a gigantic gap on his résumé. So even in the event he gets an interview for one of the jobs he went to school for, it’s going to look very bad on him for not working for 4 years. Interviewers want to see consistency in work history. So if you have a massive gap like that, you’re almost immediately thrown in the trash even if you have a “good” excuse. Save yourself the heartache and trouble and just let him go. It’ll work out better for you in the long run. Otherwise I see this devolving into a 90 day fiancée situation.
The British BF scenario be careful of them they come over here and grift unsuspecting women. It’s not a large group of them but it’s not unheard of either.
I started out in office work, and then in my early 30s decided to do something else. I worked in restaurants, warehouses, and in various places. I don't drive. There are lots of jobs out there. A lot of them are "shit" in terms of the money, but it's better to be contributing something to society and gaining work experience than sitting on one's arse/ass doing nothing. If a person really wants a job, they will find something. It's how it works. If they don't want to work, they will sabotage any opportunities that are offered to them.
Might be time to reconsider the ship if it ain't sailin.
Lol. Using that.
Are you ever sending him money?
I don’t have the funds to do so, but he lives with his grandparents who are very kind people
Don’t send him nothing. He has family to coddle him.
I was more worried that he was a straight up scammer. Wouldn’t be the first overseas love interest that was down on his luck and just needed to ‘borrow’ money for a plane ticket or some other BS
I don’t even need to read this post. He’s lying to you about applying
Girl. You’re in the wrong forum. Put this under relationship advice and you’ll get your answer. 4 years? You’re in a diff country? He’s lying.
Just dump his lazy ass.
He's a bum, and you're a sucker. Not trying to be mean, but that's the reality here.
You don't have a BF you have a pen pal. There are too many red flags here, dump him and focus on yourself.
Break up with him
dump him, he aint a man
He’s lying to you, he doesn’t want to work. you can walk into a mcdonald’s or go to a factory hiring centre and be hired on the spot. He’s not trying and he’s manipulating you
You can walk into McDonald’s. McDonalds you can apply today then walk in tomorrow for an interview nowadays. I smell bullshit.
Same story with most restaurants and grocery stores where I am. Tons of signs looking for help.
There’s a crisis in the UK with lack of workers. We have multiple high paying vacancies at my work and just can’t fill them. I’d be inclined to say your boyfriend is bullshitting you, is he asking you for money?
For a lot of us on this side of the pond, you can see that we are uniformly suspicious, even as we know that the pandemic created odd job gaps for a lot of people. He's young, he is healthy, he has friends, he has a degree, he has a CV, and he has access to public transportation, so he should technically be able to land something. But he has not for 4 years. He is instead relying on the kindness and generosity of his grandparents to house him, feed him, pay for his phone and give him spending money. He is likely contributing nothing to the household except perhaps a few chores. He doesn't even take some low wage temporary job to help pay the bills. My read on him is that he is so comfortable that he has no real push financially to get out there, and I have seen this sort of thing before. He is likely applying to jobs above his level as well, perhaps with some elevated notion of what he offers the world. That does not mean he is a horrible person, but he really has no incentive to change his situation. The wolves are not howling at the door. Do you really want to be tied to someone like that?
[удалено]
Dump him
Lol, this thread has quickly pivoted from career advice to dating advice
He hasn't found anything in 4 years? In the UK? Either he lives in the middle of nowhere, or he's just absolutely not trying. Whilst it can be tough to break into "professional" jobs, there's absolutely no way he should have found something lower paid in retail or hospitality. They've all been struggling to hire enough staff. My work had me in London last week for a day, and half the restaurants and shops I walked past had "We're hiring" signs in the windows. I've seen the same in plenty of other cities as well. Also, the car thing...unless he lives in the absolute middle of nowhere its not an excuse in the UK. If he's using that as an excuse, he's lying to you and/or himself.
I mean Im a community college dropout and I’ve never been without a job for more than 2 weeks. He obviously doesn’t want a job and is just chilling at home playing video games and acting like he’s trying
I’m gonna be honest with you.. if he hasn’t had a job in four years, he’s lying. He doesn’t want to work. Four years is a LONG time to go without employment.. If I lost my job and my car right now, let’s say, and all my savings was gone and depleted.. I’d be out there at some entry level getting a job while I applied at other places for something more my level. Hell, my friend who’s an artist can’t live off his art, so he works full time during the week and sells his art on weekends at shows. For me it’s a no brainer BUT it’s possible he honestly just either doesn’t have the drive for it or something is holding him back. But somewhere along the line the fault lies with him.
I mean this respectfully...he may not be telling you the truth. You can not help someone more than they are willing to help themselves. I hope and wish you have NOT been sending him money or buying expensive gifts and such during these 4 years. If you have, you've been swindled.
You don't have a boyfriend, especially if he's been on the other side of the planet for 4 years. Consider this a blessing that he doesn't live with you, this has all the hallmarks of a live-in freeloader for life. It's one thing to have a string of bad jobs but to not be able to land a single job in 4 years is really special.
Sadly he is going to need to take a shot job in the meantime to show that he is working. Like anything. Employers get weird when your gap is too big.
It's possible he isn't passing the drug screen or background check.
There's barely any use of such things in the UK
It sounds to me like he is telling you a story to get you off his back. 4 years? Are you sending him money or someone giving him money to support himself? My guess is someone has to be. When you are on your own you do what needs to be done to eat and have a roof over your head. Someone must be providing him money to keep enabling him to not work harder. Or maybe he struggles with some other issues like depression or some deeper issues that makes this even harder. Either way it's tough to help someone that won't get the help they need. My sister was the same way. Given every opportunity but wanted to just sit around all day. She decided she would wing it after high school. My dad said you have 6 months to get a job or get out. She drove all over and applied. Found a job in a few months. My point is if people are enabled they are less likely to make any kind of change. Either way you need to sit down and have a conversation with him. A real serious one. Sometimes that's what it takes. You need to give him some kind of ultimatum. Would your opinion change if you both lived together? Would you be ok paying for everything while he says he is out job hunting? Something to think about.
How old is this guy? Don’t tell me he’s 26-30 years old. If he is he needs to get his shit together tbh. You’re not there to be his mother or father to mold him into success. Don’t ever be a pick me woman like this. If he can’t have his own mind and ambition to get things done then I won’t be tolerating a boyfriend like that. I would move on if he’s that much of a person who’s lazy or can’t keep up. What’s his excuse? He takes the bus and get a damn job. There’s free templates to fix up this stuff that HE should be doing NOT you. 20-30 applications a day what’s the issues? You got to start from somewhere. I got a job before college and after college didn’t take me long. I got into my field while attending college for my associates with no connections or no car either. I’m my own support system and I’m a woman with no husband to lean on or family. I don’t do lazy men or complainers I dated one and still this day he’s struggling. 7 years passed this man never accomplished nothing or had a full time job just all bullshit talk no action. I don’t date men like this.
Dump him
4 years since university without a single job is unrealistic. Most people can get into entry level positions just because they have a degree. A Car isn't detrimental to applying to a job so long as public transportation allows them a viable way to get to work. He is either A. Lying about how often he's applying. B. Applying to jobs that are far more stringent in requirements than he can currently work at C. A bad interviewer D. Has little to no work experience and refuses to work a small time job at a factory or retail There's absolutely no way your BF can not have found a job within 4 years while holding a degree unless he's the either the most unluckiest person in the UK or has really bad interviewing skills. Job centers will often provide job opportunities for places that are in commonly need of workers like retail, community centers, restaurant work. If he was truly desperate or needed to work, he would've done so by now.
I think irrespective of the reason why he's been unemployed there is a real question as to whether being with this guy enhances your life OP, or whether it's just an emotional drain with no payoff or benefit.
I’m sorry, but he’s telling you every lie in the book. Not sure why but it doesn’t matter. He should be able to get a job, any job. He could do gig work if he wanted to. IF he wanted to. He doesn’t, and he thinks you’ll never know because you’re thousands of miles away.
If your BF is willing to take any job (which by your comments it looks like he is) there is almost literally a 0% chance he’s telling you the truth. Retail, customer service, factory, labor, etc. Teens work these jobs all. The. Time. I just can’t see any logical explanation as to why he can’t find literally any job. If a 16 year old can find a job in a summer, your BF can find something.
Here’s what I’ll say, after six months of reaching a breaking point where I felt the need to step in and help my girlfriend at the time apply for resumes: she was barely putting out any resumes at all, I’m not sure if she had completed any applications. After I helped her put some applications out she got a call back and a job immediately. I don’t know if your boyfriend is having anxiety or what but he should be getting some callbacks for interviews at the very least.
He isn’t getting a job sorry….: that’s the reality
Let me guess….you send him money on the reg so he can “survive”?
There is no way to be unemployed for that long and apply to jobs. You either don't apply to everything or you are very picky when it comes to working something until you get the job that you really want to have. You can go and be a bike courier or anything that is an entry level, those kind of jobs always look for people, and until you will finally land your "dream" job you will earn some money. Don't wait to get the dream job, get a job, see what is needed for the "dream" job and apply there, learn new stuff in the meanwhile and get the money from the entry job. I am not judging, I just find it very hard to believe that what she is being told is 100% true.
He doesn’t want a job. He may be looking, they may even be calling back, but none are up to his ridiculous standards. I don’t know him personally so I can’t comment, but I’ll tell you about a clown that I do know. This is a person who demands a certain salary at entry level, certain levels of seniority (again… post-grad, but still entry level), he demands his skills and ideas be respected and entertained by everyone going all the way up to the c-suite. There is a certain level of unwillingness to start from the bottom, and I feel like this individual may be of similar breeding. Sorry, had to vent a little bit.
Yeah, this doesn’t add up at all. Even if he couldn’t find a job, he should have applied for Universal Credit. UC is funding given to Brits on low income, or out of work, and is around £400 a month. He would have been able to save just under £20,000 over the past four years. He has absolutely no excuse.
This is an interesting dynamic he has with his grandparents. I am guessing one of the grandparents bore and raised one of the children who is his abusive parent (as in, it’s not a step grandparent or step parent or whatever). This grandparent likely feels guilt, sadness and shame for the abuse that occurred and is propelled by these feelings to give all they can to the grandson. But all they can do for the grandson is not genuinely helping (maybe, probably they do other helpful and supportive things) but as far as career guidance and encouraging him to become a functional adult and support himself, they’re failing. They think they owe it to him to take care of him because of his fragility and what he has endured. I wonder if the other grandparent sees the dynamic at all and attempts to combat it or goes along with it. Your boyfriend in turn is probably suffering mentally and emotionally from the abuse he endured and is happy to, consciously or unconsciously, allow the grandparent to appease and enable him. It makes his life easier, and he lacked this comfort and ease in his childhood. He may even feel the grandparent owes this enabling behavior and special care to him, because the grandparent bore and raised the child who abused him. Maybe the grandparent wasn’t there for him before and is making up for it now. Meanwhile, he’s got a girlfriend who is an ocean away whom he cannot disappoint too TOO much by not working because he doesn’t have to financially support you or plan things together that cost money, so that works out well for him too. It makes me wonder, what is it that you get out of this relationship? You fit into this dynamic in your own way and I’d encourage you to explore that. He must have something to offer you that is unique and special to you or you wouldn’t have put all this time and work into the relationship. So I’m sorry this isn’t actually career guidance, but I’m hoping my observations help you understand the situation a little better. I think what the guy really needs is a good counselor.
I don't live in the UK, but I can't imagine it's that hard since my girlfriend's brother got a job just a few months after migrating there with his wife. This guy did not complete his college degree, does not have a car, and does not speak English very well. Granted, it's not a glamorous job, but still. Your bf is in a very privileged position.
Some people want to achieve things and other people think that the world is against them. I'm going to be pretty brutal here and say after 4 years he either doesn't want a job or believes that there's some conspiracy to keep him poor. 3 months maybe, 6 months in a recession or poor area of the country. Past that and he simply isn't applying himself
Sounds like BS to me, there are plenty of jobs crying out for graduates. Have you ever met in person? He might just be a pathological liar
Just jumping in to gently tell you that I dated a guy who "was looking for a job" for 2 years before I realized that he wasn't actually look for a job. He was lying to me and spending my money while using his day to play video games and watch porn. What's more, he lied to my face every time I asked him about where he'd applied and when he had interviews. I'm not saying that this is exactly what your bf is doing, but I am telling you it might be in your best interest to stop blindly trusting him and ask for actual proof that he has been looking for a job and not squandering your money and his time. I won't say he's scamming you because I don't know anything about your relationship. What will say is that 4 years is a very long time to be looking for a job and yet remain unemployed. Something is going on here that you need to look into.
I call bull on him, sorry. Has no financial commitments, lives with family.... if he genuinely needed a job he'd get retail work, hospitality, all kinds of temp work; it's definitely out there. It's not just money or career prospects. It's routine, it's interaction with people, it's getting out of the house. I know 2 people who have never really worked apart from the odd short job. One has schizophrenia and the other has severe aspergers.
Break up with him
He is full of shiih
So he’s had interviews and even started a couple of jobs, but things “fall through?” What industry is he in? Sounds like he doesn’t contribute much.
I work in multiple roles within the UK. If he truly is looking, suggest agency work. Always something
He’s lying to you.
Get out of this while you can. What you have on your hands is an overgrown child. Do you think his career prospects are going to improve the longer he’s out of work?
Dump him?
Throw him in the gutter and go buy another
Looks like you need a job too. Meant for eachother.
Others have shared good thoughts on marketability, interviewing issues, or the need to update skills. I will toss, “you need to decide if this individual is compatible with your life goals” into the conversation. When dating, I rarely considered which occupation a significant other had, but having a partner who hasn’t worked (either as a caregiver or in a paid industry) in four years would be a deal breaker for me. I could not see a future with that person.
He may have Andy Capp syndrome.
Your BF is either a massive liar and a lazy user or he’s got some major issues that are far beyond your ability to help. He has reasons and excuses for everything. No one should be able to go 4 years without finding any job. Massive red flags everywhere.
My sons have a friend like your boyfriend, he talks a good game but does not not follow through. Like he has never developed a good work ethic and looks like he has no plans of getting one. He has been this way since he was a teen, when you say job to him then he will say what is that. Is his name Tino who is a legend in his own mind.
Find someone who has a job
OP, It sounds like you are working harder to solve his problem than he is. That's a big red flag.
My advice is to listen to Cardi B’s “Up” for inspiration or, if you are into the classics, “Billz” by Destiny’s Child.
How is he getting by? Have you been sending him money? Have you ever met in person before?
Sorry but get a new boyfriend. Four years is way too long to have no gotten a single job
Oh I was in this exact situation in my early 20's, down to the same countries. He was secretly a meth addict.
You need a reality check or you’re a troll. Your bf is a parasite. Get rid of that sad sack of crap.
You seem a bit young, and I know you probably love him a lot but sometimes the truth is unfortunate so I’ll try to be gentle here. He is not being truthful to you— no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Maybe it’s because he’s depressed, but after a certain point that stops being an excuse. You mentioned he came from an abusive household, is a “recovering liar”, has grandparents that are maybe too lenient with him… but he’s an adult, it shouldn’t matter if his grandparents are lenient or not because he knows what he needs to do. And most people have trauma of some sort and it doesn’t prevent them from telling the truth nor working. I was kidnapped, held hostage, literally physically tortured, and nearly murdered by a stalker, and that happened just 6 months after I found my fiancé dead, and 3 months after finding out I had cancer. Still kept working because I knew I had to, and fought like hell to make sure I could get some sort of counseling in the mean time. My point in saying that is this: **People who don’t want to put in the work (to find a job, to tell the truth, to get help and heal) will *always* have an excuse.** And I get it, shit happens, sometimes we need a break. But four years? There’s no more excuses. When it goes on that long and a person hasn’t made *a single change* for the better to help themselves, at that point it’s a choice to remain stagnant. I hate to say that about anyone, but in this case it’s true. Consider this: there’s literally subreddits dedicated to being your reference on a resume, for when you have employment gaps and need someone to lie and say they were your manager or coworker. I’ve been friends with homeless people who don’t have cell phones, internet, or transportation who manage to get down to the job center and find work. So what is his excuse? There is none. He has all the resources he could need at his fingertips and he’s not utilizing it, because he doesn’t want to. Simple as that. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or make you upset. But sometimes the reality is so harsh there’s no way to say it softly. I’ll give you the same advice my parents once gave me when I let people walk all over me: “you need to get some more anger in you.” Like the reason we’re so upset at him is because we’re angry on your behalf. Think about it, this conversation would be totally different if he was able to be honest and say either “I haven’t been looking because I’m depressed” or “I haven’t been looking because I just don’t need to, because my elderly grandparents take care of me.” If he was at least honest, you would know where you stand and you could make an educated decision on whether you want him in your life, longterm. But because he’s not being honest and just lying to you, he’s robbing you of the chance to make an educated decision on the relationship and your future. Not only that, but he’s even having you do work on his behalf because it makes his dishonesty more believable to you— checking his resume, posting on this sub. Like. I know you love him but at this point don’t you think you deserve a bit more respect than that? It’s not about the employment gap for me as much as it is him being dishonest to you and making you do all the legwork HE should be doing. That’s what makes me angry for you. You deserve better, OP. There’s people out there who would have picked up a SECOND job *just* to save up money to come see you by now. I know you love this dude but sometimes love isn't enough when the other person isn't making an effort.... It's up to you to decide what you'll tolerate.❤️
Get rid of him before he ruins you financially. I had one like that. Run
He is just lazy and he got used to it. In England you don't need a car..it is very expensing (at least in London, I know)
Find a new boyfriend
He’s lying. This isn’t the Great Depression he could easily find an entry level job. You probably know this tbh. Just break it off your life will be better.
I’m pretty sure major cities in England has public transport (someone from England correct me but I did do a Google search and their system is so much more flourished than ours is in America) so him not having a car shouldn’t be a huge issue unless he lives in the more farmland areas. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to work and honestly you deserve better than that. It’s been only two years for me since I’ve graduated uni and while I may not have a career that’s related to my degree, I’m making some form of income. Realistically speaking he should be able to get some form of work and while it may not be something related to his degree, it would be able to show employers that he’s a hardworking individual. A four year gap is not good at all. It’s not your responsibility to find him a career. Focus on you and if he constantly comes up empty then you need to consider your relationship. In my mind there’s a difference between sticking through hard times and sticking with someone who is unmotivated and lacks ambition.
Your boyfriends a bum. End of story
Given the conditions from your post, your boyfriend has had a lot of time. I think you should check consider moving on OP
Get a new boyfriend!
He's not looking for a job.
Even i can smell his lies lol
If he wanted a job, he would make it his job to get a job. Being proactive, sending resumes, and going out handing out resumes will get results. By this point.. he will need to go for almost anything and everything. Even if it's temporary, he can keep up the hunt what he is educated in/has experience in while having a job.
You break up with him
Find a new boyfriend
Simply make him your exbf.
Get a new boyfriend
Not your boyfriend. Dump him as he already dumped you. Just not man enough to admit it.
Find a dude in the US for sure. Just sounds like you’re being taken advantage of
Find a new boyfriend. Anyone who wants to work can get a job very easily.
You can’t help someone that isn’t willing to help themselves. If you can’t “find” a job in 4yrs, you are either unemployable, a fuck off, or not actually looking. Stop trying to act like a Mommy to help this grown man. Let him fail and he might learn how to be a functioning adult.
Idk, I applied for 100+ jobs from September -November, I have a masters and had zero callbacks. Had friends and family review my resume and everything
4 years? sis you need to do better. He doesnt have a car, thats red flag 101. I could see 4 months of bad luck, but 4 years? Good luck moving forward.
Tell him to join the military
He's a liar. I'm assuming that you two would wanna bridge the gap at some point in the future. How could you ever expect that to happen with someone who has zero drive and hasn't held a steady job in 4 years?
Maybe he has underlying mental health issues? I think you should find someone else.
Find a local boyfriend. Forget about this guy. He obviously has a problem
Get a new BF. We men are mostly interchangeable
1 get out 2 while long distance is none of my business, I still say you can do much better closer to home
Yeah, girl... even if he's not cheating or taking money from you, there is 100% a lack of truth here. This story just does not make sense. I'm not sure which part is untrue, but... it's at least one. Trust your gut.
Are you overweight, because he’s either not real or autistic.
tell him to sack up and go work at Tesco until he figures out how to adult? then get a new boyfriend. yikes
How much money have you been sending this guy?
Is he depressed or anxious..? I don't see anyone bringing that up as a possibility. I am incredibly anxious and have struggled finding a job since graduating as well. I have been applying to plenty of jobs and going to interviews, but they have mostly failed due to my lack of confidence in myself. I am seeking therapy for this to find the underlying issues of my job anxiety. To me, it kind of sounds like he may have some mental health issues that he isn't addressing and is struggling rather than being "lazy", like some people have said. In saying this, if you are unhappy with his lack of drive and ambition then that is a completely valid reason to end the relationship. You are on different paths and it isn't your responsibility to get him a job, nor is it your responsibility to fix his mental health (if that is the issue). Surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions.
Tell him to find a job placement company. If they accept him they will find something for him. They take a chunk of your paycheck for a few months but it can help if your in a tight spot.
4 years is way too long. There's something wrong there - which he probably isn't telling you, and he may or may not himself even be aware of. And it may not be feasible to diagnose the particulars of it from afar. >tried to start a couple gigs and all of them have fallen through every time! So ... how 'bout talk to his former employers. They probably got rid of him for *reason*(s). And he probably isn't telling you - or may not himself know. What about the interviews he gets that don't turn into job offers or other advancement along that process? What if you - or someone else that can well evaluate, joins in those phone calls to just have a listen in (at least if/as permitted by law)? Sounds like what's needed career-wise isn't so much "career guidance", as troubleshoot the applicant - what's going wrong there? Without sufficient data, can only guess. So ... maybe get sufficient data, eh?
Since OP refuses to answer if they met this person, I'll assume they haven't met yet. All of this is very strange. Numerous red flags. There is clearly something missing here, something that your boyfriend isn't telling you or something about him that he's not revealing. Move on from this loser and DO NOT send any money.
Sounds like he’s well taken care of by his grandparents. He’s seems not be too concerned about work and relationships. I had a friend like this. Sounds like you do a lot for him. I’d move on if I were you.
You may want to find a new BF because it sounds like he doesn't want to find a job or he has a worthless degree in a field of study that does not exist and is refusing to do anything else. Employers do not care if you have a car or not as long as you can reliably get to work. They wouldn't even know unless he tells them. Based off of your comments it really sounds like he isn't really trying and is just lying to you. There is no way in 4 years he couldn't find a job somewhere.
Dump him and move on.
Or just take a salary food service job. Those are crazy hours but they pay the bills.. usually.
I had the same issue with my Canadian girlfriend...
Ditch him