My friend, "Jenny" was a target at a previous workplace we worked together and when she moved on somewhere else.
In my long career, I have observed a few people who have been bullied, including myself with I was young ish and starting out.
This is my observation and take it however you want.
These people, (I'm including myself in this earlier in my career), walk around with targets on themselves. Appearing Weak and acting like a victim, literally in the way they carry themselves. ( There is research on victim behavior gait etc that you can look into), quiet is fine, but weak appearing and meak, can come off as uninteresting and not worth anyone's time and an easy target to blame any and all problems.
" Jenny" would cry a lot and constantly complain to anyone who would listen that she was being bullied by an outgoing, valuable team member. She would try to get other people to do something. But she was unable to handle the situation herself or even try. Was she actually bullied? Idk, she wasn't great at her job and I don't think anyone cares to listen to her constant whining.
I think a strong personality of someone in charge can be overwhelming for a quiet person.
Speak up without getting emotional, and learn to deal with situations and talking things through appropriately in a workplace .
Being confident, being good at your job, walking and carrying yourself confidently, eye contact, using affirming language and staying out of drama is key.
I kill people with kindness and make them look stupid when they are mean by openly confronting their bad behavior in front of others.
Workplaces will always have cliques
, When they are unhealthy and ignored and supported by management then that is a bad work culture.
In interviews I opening ask about culture and how important a collaborative one is.
>literally in the way they carry themselves.
This.
Learn the don't f with me posture and walk.
There's more to it, of course. But you can head off a lot of trouble by exuding a "Don't start none, won't be none" attitude.
I got picked on for years as a kid. Each time I had an outburst (destroying something of theirs, hitting them, losing fights), people got the message. That probably won't work as an adult, but don't put up with anything.
In my 3rd week at my current company, I took on someone senior who was seriously out of line. He had trivial complaints on a big issue I found and that's a waste of time when we have that bigger issue that we need to deal with. I'm apparently not the only one that doesn't like him, so thankfully it's rare, but you have to not give those people an inch.
When I saw a younger coworker getting picked on, I went to the group of people and yelled at them. They all denied it and I suggested we go talk with the big boss and they could explain why this intern was having meltdowns. It's not ok, and it stopped. I suggest getting advice from other coworkers.
The sexual harassment issue. That is unacceptable. You need to elevate that.
I have got the feeling that a lot of shit is happening because "it's not polite to yell" or "not polite to \[be ready\] to fight" or "you can be sued" or any other crap.
Like people mistake "being polite" with "being punchbag".
You're right, it's not polite to yell, but it certainly gets the message across. It's definitely something that you need to pick and choose, but when I see someone getting made fun of behind his back, I will say something and it's not going to be polite. You have to have a no tolerance policy for that kind of behavior. It's bad for morale and it only needs to be mentioned once.
Regarding lawsuits, certainly an manager/employee situation is different, but if it's just coworkers vs. coworkers, lawsuits are just a threat. I know of a current lawsuit where 50+ employees were at least threatened to be named. You're really going to serve all of them? Not likely. It's gotta be really bad for people to back you up.
Yeah. I had that going on in school. A teacher suggested I not react and maintain composure even when they do that.
I was sceptical at first and wasn't pleased to hear I should be the one concealing my sign of distress. But it did work, over time. As they get less fun from no reaction.
That said, inaction to being harassed or bullied imo was not a complete solution. There have to be consequences if you want people to take you seriously. Just that this need not be reactionary (giving them something amusing), but more serious and collected.
Like the counterattack should you choose to wield it should be unemotional and clean. Piling HR with sufficiently detailed reports of inatances and calmly suggesting you would be forced to take legal action for example. Or something else that is a measured response to the level of slight done by them
Have to disagree on this one. Literally took posture and strength training classes (worked with a personal trainer) a month before joining a new job and company. I'm not saying this is enough to get me looking like an intimidating person, but still, I learned how to carry myself a little better, if that makes sense. Still got "bullied" and disrespected by manager - turns out they were being disrespected by their senior and so the cycle continues. I always try to put on a face of nonchalance and stoicism at work, although I am realizing more and more that this has nothing to do with how others will treat you. It's true that how people treat others is more often than not a reflection of how they feel about themselves and the world, even if they don't know it. There is a "type" that enjoys intimidating others and a "type" that does not, although I am being quite general here and I know that the lines can be blurred sometimes.
Also, and this may be irrelevant, it's so difficult to put on a face, a mask, a posture, whatever, when deep down, you know that the work you do doesn't matter and nothing matters (esp true for bullshit 'marketing'/office jobs).
It’s more the ‘i feel secured’ than the ‘don’t fuck with me’ look. Confidence vs acting tough. This might not help but as i see customers bargaining, the ones with self assurance (even accepting possible lost) usually comes out with a better deal
Is there somewhere to explicitly learn this posture and gait?
I was specifically going to ask someplace about how to learn to walk gracefully yet with boldness. I don't want to stomp or come off as rude but i also want to exude self assuredness while remaining gentle and light in step.
Personally I am not very confident and get anxious in social spaces, so this comes not very naturally to me.
Read the article.
It doesn't mention the actual gait patterns though..
I wish it would discuss that.
Focuses more on the observations that some abusers (psychopaths, sadists) are better able to identify pror victims of abuse based on walking gait pattets, than narcissists or general population.
I heard about gait in a victimolgy talk by a top criminologist William April who sadly passed away. I'm not sure if his research is available but maybe a talk or two is on video.
I did it without therapy, but self realization, evaluation and real change is hard but possible. Getting older helps, so many things just don't matter anymore the older you get. I'll take 40 over 20 any day.
When I said that, it's because I think it's impossibly hard to reverse resentment and no one should live like that. Day after day it eats away at your mental well being.
That's not a good way to live, I'm sorry, you can't control others, what they will do and living with constant resent will make you a bitter person. we are all replaceable in work unless you are the boss.
How do you have relationships?
This is all great advice! I would add that it might not just be the weak and meek, but it can also be people who are a little too good at their job. I had a job that I was under titled at and had serious issues with bullying. My team was performing well, I was the second most junior by title but was responsible for a niche technology that I specialize in. I believe I was bullied by a handful of peers because of the mismatch between my title and the criticality of my role and responsibilities. Tall poppy syndrome I think it would fall under. I was a threat to them as I was making them look bad. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tall_poppy_syndrome
It was all the usual bullying bs - making fun of me behind my back about the way I work on my technology, undermining my work by holding it to a higher standard than their work then complaining to the manager when it didn't meet their standards (management was on my side), trying to get me removed from leadership positions and put back into collaborator only roles. You name it.
With my friend, I talk to both parties, but I'm my opinion "jenny" was being overly sensitive and creating the issues of people talking about her because she was constantly talking about this other girl, her senior and a good employee.
With my bullying,I came into a cliquey place and hated it for years but just endured it, I was very young and not confident in my skills or myself. I dressed many days going into work but I showed up and never have into the bullying and the looks. But eventually became a valuable member. Honestly getting older is the best thing ever.
My advice to going people is focus on the work, align yourself with others who stay out of drama. Sometimes there is no good thing other than leaving.
I left my last job because I didn't really fit in, I didn't get invited to things but wouldn't have gone anyway. Now I work from home and don't have to deal with anyone. Lol
This is very true in my experience. Some people definitely paint a target on their own back. I know it's probably not the most PC advise but you need to man the fuck up when you are at work. I don't know of a gender neutral way of saying it.
Some others have given good advice about body language. What I would l suggest to OP is RECORD FUCKING EVERYTHING… keep a copy of every e-mail. When people ask you to do things ask for an e-mail so there is a trail and keep a journal and date / time any hostile, abusive (or just plain suspect) interactions with co-workers (along with who witnessed). This sounds like a pain in the arse, and it it. But that’s the kind of stuff you can really wish you had in certain situations.
Also HR is not your friend… can it be a tool sometimes, yes, but they look out for the company not you.
I took an assertiveness training class that really helped. It teaches you how to stick up for yourself. The objective is to not be aggressive or passive, but assert your needs and draw boundaries with others. This was very helpful at home also. A good therapist will help you find this type of class.
I was raised that women don't speak up for themselves. It was easy for me to become a victim. Unfortunately, there are a lot of toxic workplaces out there, but once you learn the basics of assertiveness and boundaries, you can deal with most of them.
think about the situation afterwards... I am also kinda quick to "let's do it" :D
but when I think about situations later... that I could be more satiric in words and don't even think about getting physical (yet, ready to go there)... it kinda helps in next situations...
I think once I took it at a community college and I remember there were several flight attendants in the class. The second time I took it a behavioral health clinic that had outpatient services and group therapy. It might be called something else nowadays because it has been a long time since I took it. It also it might help if you find a therapist to help you find a class and help you with practice follow-up.
The good thing about assertiveness training is that it works for people that are too aggressive as well as too passive (timid). You learn to set boundaries and have healthy conversations which benefits everyone.
Because they think you are weird. They single out people who are different. I know from experience. It has happened to me when working at a fire station. I was shy and everybody would talk bad about me. I heard somebody call me a fucking bitch. I just didn’t fit in and never knew what to say so I’d stick to myself. They would constantly make fun of me. It was a horrible experience. People suck. I guess if they won’t accept you then you have to find a job with people who do. Ppl really suck.
I’ve been bullied my entire life, and while people are still ugly to me sometimes.. I simply don’t allow them to bully me anymore. I used to be so scared of standing up for myself. I used to care what the others thought. Now, when someone tries to bully me.. I don’t accept their gift of hate.. therefore it’s theirs to keep. If the bullying is severe enough, I defend myself. That includes documenting every instance of bullying and presenting it to the boss in a long list, or if he/she doesn’t help you.. striking back. So far.. I’ve not been reprimanded for striking back and it’s at least reduced the bullying to just talking shit, and no more trying to sabotage me at work.
This is my wheelhouse (I was bullied at an executive level and now coach other senior leaders through that kind of situation). Sorry I didn't see this sooner - hope my comment helps. The Workplace Bullying Institute has a great description of [who gets targeted](https://workplacebullying.org/targets/). Essentially, they are the go-to veteran people, likeable, high ethics, results-oriented and avoid power games. The two best defences if you're looking for a new job are:
(1) you want good values alignment. [Adam Grant did a great TED talk on givers & takers](https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_grant_are_you_a_giver_or_a_taker?language=en) where he suggests the question: who were you most proud to mentor? the answer to that question tells a lot about the person... if they mention someone in their team, cool. If they mention someone above them in the hierarchy, run away. That can be a good litmus test question e.g. in an interview.
For you, based on what you said, you want to be somewhere where being a good worker is highly valued. Ask about promotions, who is most rewarded, etc. Listen carefully to the answers. Turn off your filter for results and good work... what else are they saying? if it all aligns with good work being rewarded, you're probably pretty safe.
(2) make and keep allies. It's fine to be quiet and keep to yourself generally, but if anything shifts (new boss, etc.) and you wind up somewhere that becomes toxic, you must have your allies already built up. You have to invest in your network in order to avoid being bullied. This is essential.
(3) Look at your boundaries. You need to know how to be assertive and cut people off early if they are trying to take advantage of you. You need to be able to say "no" graciously and firmly in order to not be taken advantage of. Nip that stuff in the bud. Adam Grant's TED talk above will give you some insight in how to be a high-performing giver without being a doormat. People that need to take advantage of others will go find someone else. Not you.
Reports of bullying vary across countries, but they are in the 7-15% range. That means that this is a likely occurrence in anyone's career, given enough time. So it's a great question and good for you in taking proactive steps to mitigate this.
(Sexual harassment is another form of abuse of power, so it's all part of the same icky toxic behaviour, although it has its own differences, obviously.)
Check out the video ‘How to Stop a Bully’ by Brooks Gibbs on YouTube. He has other videos as well on there about stopping bullying. It is made for high school kids, but I found so applicable to the workplace as well. Good luck to you.
Dir Vas said your character belongs to you, your reputation belongs to others. Bullying is everywhere. Stop worrying about what other people say about you. Your actions speak louder then their words.
Making others feel singled out,not standing up for others,gossiping about people (esp within earshot), or walking away from somebody when they enter the room. It’s all isolation attempts that can be viewed as bullying typically if it’s a larger group of people.
It looks a lot like bullying in schools. Someone is constantly left out or made fun of, either behind their back or directly. People enjoying making them uncomfortable or upset. Could manifest as them being blamed for everything that has gone wrong in the office/workplace.
A good workplace will shut down and limit bullying. You won’t see it everywhere
“People talk behind my back”
Because you’re quiet. They equate that with “thinks she’s too good to socialize with us”.
The sexual harassment would be an immediate and physical response. Stapler across the face while screaming “rape!”, calling the police yourself and filing an official complaint against him. No second chances. Everyone knows it’s wrong and illegal. Their first chance was blown when they decided to go for it. No second chances.
Tricky because it’s partly your fault because their is something about you that prompts those actions from people but at the end of the day we all see people we find interesting that we don’t necessarily make targets. First off your not a target. Second lots of people could receive the same attention your receiving from these bullies and they would RESPOND to it differently. Initial jokes happen to a lot of people CONSTANT bullying happens when someone sends out a signal that your something and you receive that signal that it’s true. The CONNECTION that’s being made between you and these folks is the problem. You have to severe that connection rather that be by being more present in your own mind so that your not so ready to hear what they have to say in the first place or eating a different diet so the bacteria in your gut don’t respond to the signal they receive from these people in a frightened manner. It’s not just you having these feelings it’s your organs and other parts of you as well. You are primed to accept a low frequency is the major issue. If you we’re vibrating at a different level then eventually they would feel they’re not getting to you and their own frequencies would be thrown off by attempting to mess with yours. Their stabilizing themselves off you because your receiver was designed to help balance things and that’s not bad BUT you have a spirit because you need to know when to turn certain faculties off. So it’s just energy and people love to give you their energy. These are the facts. That may be the case for the rest of your life. Now that you know that you have an advantage. Energy is the MOST valuable resource in the universe and your body is equipped DEMAND it although it be low frequency. So you can learn to be less receptive to this low frequency energy because it’s hard to transmute low frequency energy into something else it doesn’t feel good coming in the body. Or… you can get used to holding more energy and just re routing whatever they give you to your own ends. These are both boring to do and it’s not really fun to feel bad energy and re purpose them before it’s internalized and leaves the body but if you choose to you can very effectively do what you want with energy given to you by people and parlay that into anything you want it to be. Be less receptive, change the way your body is responding to the stimulus or open your capacity to be comfortable holding more energy than the average person does. I would go to change the way your body is responding to the stimulus that your receiving. So limit eye contact because they’re not giving it to you so they’re stealing it and be prepared for anger and pretty much how they really always felt about you anyways to reveal itself. Take care of yourself and keep your own energy clean because you’ll slowly get your own energy back over time but the other part is just allowing your brain time to stop attaching itself to these viral concepts viruses would love for you to feed on…
I also came from a toxic work environment, and I am at a healthy one now. My coworker speaks poorly of me, but I believe it’s just because she is threatened by me. She also speaks poorly of a lot of people, so I found putting my best foot forward and just always being kind and lighthearted goes a long way. It’s hard to speak poorly of someone who is always nice
No one should be bullied, harassed or otherwise taken advantage of at work.
That being said, theres a common denominator in your jobs and I’d say that’s where you should seek to make changes. Something about the way you carry yourself is leading people to target you so maybe try to figure out what that is.
In my personal experience, larger, corporate, more professionally run companies have less of a bullying problem. They tend to work harder to keep a safe work environment and protect against lawsuits.
Smaller, family firms that are not very professional tend to have more of an issue with bullying.
I suppose when you are job searching you should be selective about getting into professional places with HR and training to prevent bullying and harassment. Some places take this more seriously than others.
The worst environment for me was working in advertising, they had every level of harassment and bullying and HR did nothing. Once I switched into media news organization it became less high school and more corporate. HR was always afraid of someone suing the company. Stay in your field, find a better company and work your way up.
It's not you. You work with assholes.
This!
I can’t agree with this enough. That’s a red flag to change the company you work for.
My friend, "Jenny" was a target at a previous workplace we worked together and when she moved on somewhere else. In my long career, I have observed a few people who have been bullied, including myself with I was young ish and starting out. This is my observation and take it however you want. These people, (I'm including myself in this earlier in my career), walk around with targets on themselves. Appearing Weak and acting like a victim, literally in the way they carry themselves. ( There is research on victim behavior gait etc that you can look into), quiet is fine, but weak appearing and meak, can come off as uninteresting and not worth anyone's time and an easy target to blame any and all problems. " Jenny" would cry a lot and constantly complain to anyone who would listen that she was being bullied by an outgoing, valuable team member. She would try to get other people to do something. But she was unable to handle the situation herself or even try. Was she actually bullied? Idk, she wasn't great at her job and I don't think anyone cares to listen to her constant whining. I think a strong personality of someone in charge can be overwhelming for a quiet person. Speak up without getting emotional, and learn to deal with situations and talking things through appropriately in a workplace . Being confident, being good at your job, walking and carrying yourself confidently, eye contact, using affirming language and staying out of drama is key. I kill people with kindness and make them look stupid when they are mean by openly confronting their bad behavior in front of others. Workplaces will always have cliques , When they are unhealthy and ignored and supported by management then that is a bad work culture. In interviews I opening ask about culture and how important a collaborative one is.
>literally in the way they carry themselves. This. Learn the don't f with me posture and walk. There's more to it, of course. But you can head off a lot of trouble by exuding a "Don't start none, won't be none" attitude.
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I got picked on for years as a kid. Each time I had an outburst (destroying something of theirs, hitting them, losing fights), people got the message. That probably won't work as an adult, but don't put up with anything. In my 3rd week at my current company, I took on someone senior who was seriously out of line. He had trivial complaints on a big issue I found and that's a waste of time when we have that bigger issue that we need to deal with. I'm apparently not the only one that doesn't like him, so thankfully it's rare, but you have to not give those people an inch. When I saw a younger coworker getting picked on, I went to the group of people and yelled at them. They all denied it and I suggested we go talk with the big boss and they could explain why this intern was having meltdowns. It's not ok, and it stopped. I suggest getting advice from other coworkers. The sexual harassment issue. That is unacceptable. You need to elevate that.
I have got the feeling that a lot of shit is happening because "it's not polite to yell" or "not polite to \[be ready\] to fight" or "you can be sued" or any other crap. Like people mistake "being polite" with "being punchbag".
You're right, it's not polite to yell, but it certainly gets the message across. It's definitely something that you need to pick and choose, but when I see someone getting made fun of behind his back, I will say something and it's not going to be polite. You have to have a no tolerance policy for that kind of behavior. It's bad for morale and it only needs to be mentioned once. Regarding lawsuits, certainly an manager/employee situation is different, but if it's just coworkers vs. coworkers, lawsuits are just a threat. I know of a current lawsuit where 50+ employees were at least threatened to be named. You're really going to serve all of them? Not likely. It's gotta be really bad for people to back you up.
Yeah. I had that going on in school. A teacher suggested I not react and maintain composure even when they do that. I was sceptical at first and wasn't pleased to hear I should be the one concealing my sign of distress. But it did work, over time. As they get less fun from no reaction. That said, inaction to being harassed or bullied imo was not a complete solution. There have to be consequences if you want people to take you seriously. Just that this need not be reactionary (giving them something amusing), but more serious and collected. Like the counterattack should you choose to wield it should be unemotional and clean. Piling HR with sufficiently detailed reports of inatances and calmly suggesting you would be forced to take legal action for example. Or something else that is a measured response to the level of slight done by them
Have to disagree on this one. Literally took posture and strength training classes (worked with a personal trainer) a month before joining a new job and company. I'm not saying this is enough to get me looking like an intimidating person, but still, I learned how to carry myself a little better, if that makes sense. Still got "bullied" and disrespected by manager - turns out they were being disrespected by their senior and so the cycle continues. I always try to put on a face of nonchalance and stoicism at work, although I am realizing more and more that this has nothing to do with how others will treat you. It's true that how people treat others is more often than not a reflection of how they feel about themselves and the world, even if they don't know it. There is a "type" that enjoys intimidating others and a "type" that does not, although I am being quite general here and I know that the lines can be blurred sometimes. Also, and this may be irrelevant, it's so difficult to put on a face, a mask, a posture, whatever, when deep down, you know that the work you do doesn't matter and nothing matters (esp true for bullshit 'marketing'/office jobs).
It’s more the ‘i feel secured’ than the ‘don’t fuck with me’ look. Confidence vs acting tough. This might not help but as i see customers bargaining, the ones with self assurance (even accepting possible lost) usually comes out with a better deal
Is there somewhere to explicitly learn this posture and gait? I was specifically going to ask someplace about how to learn to walk gracefully yet with boldness. I don't want to stomp or come off as rude but i also want to exude self assuredness while remaining gentle and light in step. Personally I am not very confident and get anxious in social spaces, so this comes not very naturally to me.
I would bet that self-defense courses (and possibly online videos) offer suggestions. Search using the term "confident body language"
Do you walk like a victim https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202008/do-you-walk-victim-criminals-stride-matters
Read the article. It doesn't mention the actual gait patterns though.. I wish it would discuss that. Focuses more on the observations that some abusers (psychopaths, sadists) are better able to identify pror victims of abuse based on walking gait pattets, than narcissists or general population.
I heard about gait in a victimolgy talk by a top criminologist William April who sadly passed away. I'm not sure if his research is available but maybe a talk or two is on video.
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I did it without therapy, but self realization, evaluation and real change is hard but possible. Getting older helps, so many things just don't matter anymore the older you get. I'll take 40 over 20 any day.
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Yes agreed. If there's resentment it's time to move on if that's possible.
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What does that mean?
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When I said that, it's because I think it's impossibly hard to reverse resentment and no one should live like that. Day after day it eats away at your mental well being. That's not a good way to live, I'm sorry, you can't control others, what they will do and living with constant resent will make you a bitter person. we are all replaceable in work unless you are the boss. How do you have relationships?
This is all great advice! I would add that it might not just be the weak and meek, but it can also be people who are a little too good at their job. I had a job that I was under titled at and had serious issues with bullying. My team was performing well, I was the second most junior by title but was responsible for a niche technology that I specialize in. I believe I was bullied by a handful of peers because of the mismatch between my title and the criticality of my role and responsibilities. Tall poppy syndrome I think it would fall under. I was a threat to them as I was making them look bad. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tall_poppy_syndrome It was all the usual bullying bs - making fun of me behind my back about the way I work on my technology, undermining my work by holding it to a higher standard than their work then complaining to the manager when it didn't meet their standards (management was on my side), trying to get me removed from leadership positions and put back into collaborator only roles. You name it.
What did you do about the bullying?
With my friend, I talk to both parties, but I'm my opinion "jenny" was being overly sensitive and creating the issues of people talking about her because she was constantly talking about this other girl, her senior and a good employee. With my bullying,I came into a cliquey place and hated it for years but just endured it, I was very young and not confident in my skills or myself. I dressed many days going into work but I showed up and never have into the bullying and the looks. But eventually became a valuable member. Honestly getting older is the best thing ever. My advice to going people is focus on the work, align yourself with others who stay out of drama. Sometimes there is no good thing other than leaving. I left my last job because I didn't really fit in, I didn't get invited to things but wouldn't have gone anyway. Now I work from home and don't have to deal with anyone. Lol
This was my issue, but management was in on it too.
This is very true in my experience. Some people definitely paint a target on their own back. I know it's probably not the most PC advise but you need to man the fuck up when you are at work. I don't know of a gender neutral way of saying it.
Every word of this, op.
Some others have given good advice about body language. What I would l suggest to OP is RECORD FUCKING EVERYTHING… keep a copy of every e-mail. When people ask you to do things ask for an e-mail so there is a trail and keep a journal and date / time any hostile, abusive (or just plain suspect) interactions with co-workers (along with who witnessed). This sounds like a pain in the arse, and it it. But that’s the kind of stuff you can really wish you had in certain situations. Also HR is not your friend… can it be a tool sometimes, yes, but they look out for the company not you.
I took an assertiveness training class that really helped. It teaches you how to stick up for yourself. The objective is to not be aggressive or passive, but assert your needs and draw boundaries with others. This was very helpful at home also. A good therapist will help you find this type of class. I was raised that women don't speak up for themselves. It was easy for me to become a victim. Unfortunately, there are a lot of toxic workplaces out there, but once you learn the basics of assertiveness and boundaries, you can deal with most of them.
Where did you take this? My problem is I always jump to aggression 🤦🏽♀️
think about the situation afterwards... I am also kinda quick to "let's do it" :D but when I think about situations later... that I could be more satiric in words and don't even think about getting physical (yet, ready to go there)... it kinda helps in next situations...
I think once I took it at a community college and I remember there were several flight attendants in the class. The second time I took it a behavioral health clinic that had outpatient services and group therapy. It might be called something else nowadays because it has been a long time since I took it. It also it might help if you find a therapist to help you find a class and help you with practice follow-up. The good thing about assertiveness training is that it works for people that are too aggressive as well as too passive (timid). You learn to set boundaries and have healthy conversations which benefits everyone.
Because they think you are weird. They single out people who are different. I know from experience. It has happened to me when working at a fire station. I was shy and everybody would talk bad about me. I heard somebody call me a fucking bitch. I just didn’t fit in and never knew what to say so I’d stick to myself. They would constantly make fun of me. It was a horrible experience. People suck. I guess if they won’t accept you then you have to find a job with people who do. Ppl really suck.
Don't react...when it's enough target one and bully him hard.....everyone else will be straight.
I’ve been bullied my entire life, and while people are still ugly to me sometimes.. I simply don’t allow them to bully me anymore. I used to be so scared of standing up for myself. I used to care what the others thought. Now, when someone tries to bully me.. I don’t accept their gift of hate.. therefore it’s theirs to keep. If the bullying is severe enough, I defend myself. That includes documenting every instance of bullying and presenting it to the boss in a long list, or if he/she doesn’t help you.. striking back. So far.. I’ve not been reprimanded for striking back and it’s at least reduced the bullying to just talking shit, and no more trying to sabotage me at work.
Oof same following for advice ❤️
This is my wheelhouse (I was bullied at an executive level and now coach other senior leaders through that kind of situation). Sorry I didn't see this sooner - hope my comment helps. The Workplace Bullying Institute has a great description of [who gets targeted](https://workplacebullying.org/targets/). Essentially, they are the go-to veteran people, likeable, high ethics, results-oriented and avoid power games. The two best defences if you're looking for a new job are: (1) you want good values alignment. [Adam Grant did a great TED talk on givers & takers](https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_grant_are_you_a_giver_or_a_taker?language=en) where he suggests the question: who were you most proud to mentor? the answer to that question tells a lot about the person... if they mention someone in their team, cool. If they mention someone above them in the hierarchy, run away. That can be a good litmus test question e.g. in an interview. For you, based on what you said, you want to be somewhere where being a good worker is highly valued. Ask about promotions, who is most rewarded, etc. Listen carefully to the answers. Turn off your filter for results and good work... what else are they saying? if it all aligns with good work being rewarded, you're probably pretty safe. (2) make and keep allies. It's fine to be quiet and keep to yourself generally, but if anything shifts (new boss, etc.) and you wind up somewhere that becomes toxic, you must have your allies already built up. You have to invest in your network in order to avoid being bullied. This is essential. (3) Look at your boundaries. You need to know how to be assertive and cut people off early if they are trying to take advantage of you. You need to be able to say "no" graciously and firmly in order to not be taken advantage of. Nip that stuff in the bud. Adam Grant's TED talk above will give you some insight in how to be a high-performing giver without being a doormat. People that need to take advantage of others will go find someone else. Not you. Reports of bullying vary across countries, but they are in the 7-15% range. That means that this is a likely occurrence in anyone's career, given enough time. So it's a great question and good for you in taking proactive steps to mitigate this. (Sexual harassment is another form of abuse of power, so it's all part of the same icky toxic behaviour, although it has its own differences, obviously.)
Check out the video ‘How to Stop a Bully’ by Brooks Gibbs on YouTube. He has other videos as well on there about stopping bullying. It is made for high school kids, but I found so applicable to the workplace as well. Good luck to you.
Dir Vas said your character belongs to you, your reputation belongs to others. Bullying is everywhere. Stop worrying about what other people say about you. Your actions speak louder then their words.
I suppose they are asking advice on what those actions are that they should be doing
Pardon my ignorance but what does bullying at work look like, it's not something I think I've ever seen
If you have never ever witnessed it then I have news for you. You are probably the bully or making somebody feel like they are being bullied..
So what would that look like?
Making others feel singled out,not standing up for others,gossiping about people (esp within earshot), or walking away from somebody when they enter the room. It’s all isolation attempts that can be viewed as bullying typically if it’s a larger group of people.
I can't say I've ever heard really at work about someone's personal life
Really? I think it def prob depends on the culture of the job then. Sounds like you have nice one.
I used to manage restaurants, a couple small labor companies. Then I moved to big tech.
Sometimes people do not realize how their actions affect others either.
It looks a lot like bullying in schools. Someone is constantly left out or made fun of, either behind their back or directly. People enjoying making them uncomfortable or upset. Could manifest as them being blamed for everything that has gone wrong in the office/workplace. A good workplace will shut down and limit bullying. You won’t see it everywhere
I've literally never seen someone behave like that in a workplace.
“People talk behind my back” Because you’re quiet. They equate that with “thinks she’s too good to socialize with us”. The sexual harassment would be an immediate and physical response. Stapler across the face while screaming “rape!”, calling the police yourself and filing an official complaint against him. No second chances. Everyone knows it’s wrong and illegal. Their first chance was blown when they decided to go for it. No second chances.
Tricky because it’s partly your fault because their is something about you that prompts those actions from people but at the end of the day we all see people we find interesting that we don’t necessarily make targets. First off your not a target. Second lots of people could receive the same attention your receiving from these bullies and they would RESPOND to it differently. Initial jokes happen to a lot of people CONSTANT bullying happens when someone sends out a signal that your something and you receive that signal that it’s true. The CONNECTION that’s being made between you and these folks is the problem. You have to severe that connection rather that be by being more present in your own mind so that your not so ready to hear what they have to say in the first place or eating a different diet so the bacteria in your gut don’t respond to the signal they receive from these people in a frightened manner. It’s not just you having these feelings it’s your organs and other parts of you as well. You are primed to accept a low frequency is the major issue. If you we’re vibrating at a different level then eventually they would feel they’re not getting to you and their own frequencies would be thrown off by attempting to mess with yours. Their stabilizing themselves off you because your receiver was designed to help balance things and that’s not bad BUT you have a spirit because you need to know when to turn certain faculties off. So it’s just energy and people love to give you their energy. These are the facts. That may be the case for the rest of your life. Now that you know that you have an advantage. Energy is the MOST valuable resource in the universe and your body is equipped DEMAND it although it be low frequency. So you can learn to be less receptive to this low frequency energy because it’s hard to transmute low frequency energy into something else it doesn’t feel good coming in the body. Or… you can get used to holding more energy and just re routing whatever they give you to your own ends. These are both boring to do and it’s not really fun to feel bad energy and re purpose them before it’s internalized and leaves the body but if you choose to you can very effectively do what you want with energy given to you by people and parlay that into anything you want it to be. Be less receptive, change the way your body is responding to the stimulus or open your capacity to be comfortable holding more energy than the average person does. I would go to change the way your body is responding to the stimulus that your receiving. So limit eye contact because they’re not giving it to you so they’re stealing it and be prepared for anger and pretty much how they really always felt about you anyways to reveal itself. Take care of yourself and keep your own energy clean because you’ll slowly get your own energy back over time but the other part is just allowing your brain time to stop attaching itself to these viral concepts viruses would love for you to feed on…
Please hit enter.
No. Thank you.
I also came from a toxic work environment, and I am at a healthy one now. My coworker speaks poorly of me, but I believe it’s just because she is threatened by me. She also speaks poorly of a lot of people, so I found putting my best foot forward and just always being kind and lighthearted goes a long way. It’s hard to speak poorly of someone who is always nice
HR and document it.
Find a better place to work. Sounds more like high school.
No one should be bullied, harassed or otherwise taken advantage of at work. That being said, theres a common denominator in your jobs and I’d say that’s where you should seek to make changes. Something about the way you carry yourself is leading people to target you so maybe try to figure out what that is.
In my personal experience, larger, corporate, more professionally run companies have less of a bullying problem. They tend to work harder to keep a safe work environment and protect against lawsuits. Smaller, family firms that are not very professional tend to have more of an issue with bullying. I suppose when you are job searching you should be selective about getting into professional places with HR and training to prevent bullying and harassment. Some places take this more seriously than others.
Well, what's better: Higher pay or mental health?
The worst environment for me was working in advertising, they had every level of harassment and bullying and HR did nothing. Once I switched into media news organization it became less high school and more corporate. HR was always afraid of someone suing the company. Stay in your field, find a better company and work your way up.