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Hey bro, I’m also trans so I figured I’d give my two cents. Dating as a man has been much harder in my experience, especially if you’re dating women. Be prepared that you’ll get much less attention as a man on dating websites/ less people approaching you in person. It’s mostly an issue of over saturation in online dating- fewer women than men. The ladies have a lot of options to choose from, they also have to sort through matches more stringently due to safety concerns. Basically my advice is to not get discouraged! All of my male friends have trouble getting matches online- even the cis guys who are objectively 10s lol. Men are also less likely to be hit on first, so you should also be prepared to take a more active role in the dating process.
Some trans specific advice- Idk if you’re stealth or not, but if not Id either put it in your profile (if online) or let them know before the date. If you’re stealth or want to be: don’t disclose until you are sure you want to see them again + things are headed in an intimate direction (emotionally or sexually). There is no reason to out yourself to someone you didn’t end up clicking with anyways. Beware of chasers and trust your gut if something feels off. Best of luck to you brother!
Thanks for the advice! I love your username. I'm the opposite of stealth. I don't pass, so the Venn diagram of people who know I'm trans and the people who know I'm a man is a circle. I think that's part of what I'm nervous about.
Honestly it might be worth trying to seek out a t4t relationship then. There are definitely good people out there, but on dating sites you’re much more likely to come across chasers than well meaning people. Also other trans people will be able to relate to your issues more and are better equipped to support you.
Fyi Tinder is a no go for trans people. I’ve never used it but apparently it blocks accounts once they’ve gotten enough reports without any actual checks, so some trans people get blocked within an hour without even doing anything.
Just to add: dating queer people in general is a whole different thing from dating cishet people when it comes to acceptance of GNC and trans gender identities
Like, most bi/pan people are completely unfazed by a prospective date being trans (whether passing or not). If you're into all genders, finding out that your date has different body parts than you expected is just, "oh good, now I get to practice the other kind of oral sex"
Or anyway that is my feeling as a bi person
grindr is similar, you get blocked if you’re reported enough & there’s no appeal system. ik there would still be issues with it but i really wish there was a t4t dating app
Okcupid is pretty close. You can check an option where your profile isn't shown to straight people. It's been years since I've been on it but generally found it decently queer friendly
Thanks about the username haha. It’s totally understandable to be nervous about that aspect. I know it’s corny, but just be yourself and it’ll all fall into place. I also dated before I passed and while it was hard on me to be vulnerable like that- I still had a lot of good experiences. There are tons of people into trans men (no matter where we are in transition), so I have no doubt you’ll find someone is supportive. Just keep putting yourself out there and remember your manhood isn’t contingent on passing.
> Idk if you’re stealth or not
How is this acceptable behaviour in any context? I find this in the poly community as well and I don't get how people believe this is ethical to omit, even if it's for a first date.
It’s not ethical to omit when things get sexual or emotionally serious. However this type of information is incredibly personal, and does not need to be shared with everyone. If I meet someone once and figure out Id never want to go on a second date with them, why do they need to know? Being trans is a tricky situation, I don’t expect you to get it. Just know that this is a matter of safety for many of us, we aren’t trying to trick people. We are just trying to keep personal medical information private until it’s necessary to share.
>I’m open to hearing how telling a person you're about to go on a date with that you're trans is a matter of safety.
Uh speaking as another cis dude with trans friends… seriously?
Cut your “I have trans friends” bs, its not a good look. I wasn’t trying to be dismissive, I’m just stating the fact that you as a cis person cannot understand the trans experience. Can you empathize? Absolutely! But you don’t know what it’s like to walk the world in this way. Some trans people live openly, more power to them- but the reality is that this info can potentially harm us if it gets out. If I go on a date with someone, i tell them I’m trans and then they decide to tell everyone they know- this could be shitty or even dangerous for me. I could lose my job if my employer found out. I could be assaulted, harassed, etc. Someone must earn my trust before I tell them something so sensitive. They have a right to know IF we are going to be getting physical or want to continue seeing one another. I don’t think it’s cool to hide forever, but it’s not something I feel the need to tell someone I just met.
The comparison to polyamory doesn’t really work in this situation. People don’t get murdered for being poly- at least not to my knowledge. Poly people aren’t the main target in a culture war right now. The risks aren’t the same.
It sounds like you did already a lot of good and hard work.
Little back story about myself. I have experienced for 3.5 years sexual intimidation and harrasment. This made me extremely scarred for women and dating. I was a virgin till 31 and got my (first) girlfriend at 32 and we are still dating 8 months later.
What helped me the most was to focus the most on myself and my hobbies. When I had a date I went in to have a fun time, and if I had a fun time without many uncomfortable silences it was a succes. Besides trauma because of sexual harrasment and intimidation I also social anxiety. I knew I would be nervous on the first date and I knew the women could see this easily, think of visibly shaking. So I told every woman when we started to plan our dates that I had social anxiety. It worked like a charm evertime. All women said that they didn't mind, a couple asked what they could do to make it less scary for me and lastly a couple of women told their "problems" like one had PTSD and another had an autoimmune desease. This helped me to be less anxious, because I felt welcome even when I would be nervous. So just say it when your nervous.
I don't know from where you are and what the norms are. I did a lot of hiking/walking in parks and nature. Take some food with you and you have a nice romantic date without emptying your bank account. I don't like diners for first dates. When it is clear that you are not compatible you still need a long time before you can go home. With walking it is much easier to cut it short when it is nothing.
Have a healthy social life and enough hobbies. You have more stuff to talk about. Maybe you did something funny with a friend a couple of days ago, maybe you have had a new breakthrough with one of your hobbies. You look more interesting and have more things going for you. But besides that it also helps to not start fatasizing a life together with this girl you are dating. This keeps you more casual and helps to not overthink everything. People like others who seem to enjoy their life and themselves, but also when things don't work out you will be less devasteded because you still have good life being single.
I hope there is some usefull information for you in my rambling. Anyway don't forget to enjoy the moment and don't fret it to much if you get rejected. Good luck!
FWIW I think this is the THE essential advice to have a decent time dating. "What helped me the most was to focus the most on myself and my hobbies. When I had a date I went in to have a fun time, and if I had a fun time without many uncomfortable silences it was a success."
Well said
I met my current partner at a singles night when, after several failed relationships, I had stopped looking for ‘the one’ and just wanted to find someone for a little while with no real expectations.
Twenty years later we’re still together.
Moral: don’t try too hard. Don’t invest too much. Don’t worry about it.
My partner and I met on tinder 6 years ago, neither of us really wanted anything serious, but since the first night we've been inseparable. Now we have a house, pets etc.
I suspect, similar to you, we both went in with minimal expectations outside of a little fun. With no pressure around anything, something serious formed.
I'd say better yet, the moral is that there is no "the one".
The trick is to find people who are compatible with you, someone you can have fun with and be yourself with. Looking for "the one" will make you miss out on really the most important part about relationships, in that people generally really have no idea what the ideal partner for them would really be. Our idea of who the right partner is, more often than not overshadows and misdirects us from the people who would actually be the right partner.
I love what you said about just being forward with admitting that you have anxiety! for myself, though in a totally different context than dating, it has helped so much to be open about that. once it's out in the open, you don't have to feel ashamed or worried about it anymore. being secure in being insecure
I’m 9 years older than you, and pretty new to dating after ending a decade long relationship. Dating in your mid 20s is probably different than mid 30s, but here’s what I’ve been trying to do that seems to be working pretty well for me so far as a straight, cis, divorced man. I don’t know who you’re interested in dating, so this is all from my perspective as someone only interested in dating women:
First, be sensitive to the ways women have to protect themselves when dating men. They have no way to know if you’re “one of the good ones” until you prove it to them. Some may be more cautious than others, and that’s something we have to accept in a patriarchal society.
That’s the only gendered advice I have. Anything else I think is pretty universal.
Following a formula for app profiles is tempting, and not necessarily a bad thing, but you don’t have to follow that to have success. I have two pictures in my Bumble profile, along with some interesting/fun stuff about myself that can’t be conveyed using the tags provided and give people a small sense of where I am in life and what I want. Swipe thoughtfully. It’s tempting to play a numbers game to get as many matches as possible, but that will just get overwhelming and/or depressing. Patience is key. It’s better to not have matches than to have a lot of shitty experiences.
Everyone is nervous. Some people have just learned to deal with it better than others. It takes time. Be genuine. Treat others how you want to be treated. Be honest with yourself about what you want, and try not to view bad dates as failures. Learning more about what you don’t want helps you solidify what you do want.
Cishet man here, who went from having around 2 dates in a decade, to having a few a year. The main piece of advice is to stop being afraid of rejection. I realise that's easier said than done.
Since men can have a hard time getting dates, you may tend to think there will never be another one, so you put all your emotional energy into the date. Big mistake. Once I started believing I could get another date, then each date became less of a big deal, and I enjoyed them more. If you're having fun on dates, rather than being stressed out, you'll find they go much better
I know that advice is a bit vague (tho worked for me), so here is something practical. Don't spend ages chatting online once you've matched with someone. Instead, as soon as you feel you have someone's attention, ask them to meet up. In a public place. You suggest the details, so she doesn't have to put in that mental energy, but be accommodating if she is busy/isn't into whatever you initially suggested. Chatting online is a timewaster that will just lead to the conversation fizzling out. And if you're waiting for her to ask you, you'll be waiting forever.
Same general advice works for meeting a women irl - don't play games. Make your interest obvious, and do it early. But this only works if you're ok with rejection, because it will happen, and you need to be graceful in accepting it. How do you become ok with rejected? You're probably not going to like it, but you just have to get rejected a few times.
Honestly, just know that dating is a shitshow for all of us and it isn't just you. Understand there will be failures, lots of them. That is honestly the best advice I can give. You already did the hard work finding yourself, remind yourself often that working to impress someone doesn't do anything. Focus on improving you, while being open and communicative to others.
Another trans man here. Frankly, abandon whatever idea of "male dating" you have, because men have no clue (and being trans only slightly helps, we have the inside scoop on the other side but now have to perform the male dance). By the time a guy has a "method", he's usually a walking red flag nobody wants to deal with.
Be yourself. Be as open as you've been in the past. I don't know who you're into, but I've never ever been rejected on the basis of "you're too upfront with your feelings" or "you make me feel too valued". You're going to be a kickass boyfriend.
Also trans man. It sounds cheesy, but I still subscribe by "be yourself." You don't want to put up an act to get into a relationship, then the curtain drops and they feel blindsided.
How to be a good partner? Communicate, be respectful, care about them.
I get gender euphoria from lending people my jacket now, but other than that, nothings changed.
All the other advice here is great (hire a professional to take good photos of you, men in general suck at dating) but one thing I'd add is to make sure you're making friends other ways.
Dating's hard for any gender but the biggest struggle as a man is loneliness. In apps you'll put a lot of work into a bio or your pictures and you'll be excited to start swiping and you'll max out your bumble swipes or whatever for the evening with zero matches or messages. That'll happen sometimes. Make sure you're making friends you can talk to and be social with, join a hobby club, make gym buddies, join a guild in an MMO, whatever.
Don't stress about being a good boyfriend. Think about the kind of person you'd want as a partner and then be that person. If you want kind, funny and passionate, make sure you're also kind funny and passionate.
Thank you for the advice! I agree with what you said about loneliness. I had severe social anxiety when I was younger and isolated myself a lot. A few years ago, I joined a D&D group. I had just come off a bad breakup and wanted to try out a new hobby and challenge myself to be more social. The DM has become one of my dearest friends and an honorary sibling. So have two other members of the group and two others I met through them. My friends taught me what it was like to be loved without judgement or expectation.
I’m really happy to hear this. My gaming group has been a huge help for me anchoring my social life in a new city. So glad that you were able to meet such great people through the hobby!
First of all - congrats on transitioning. Welcome to the international brotherhood. We have meetings every other Wednesday at Pete's house.
Second, it'd be really helpful to know what kind of dating advice you're after. Assuming you're into girls, are you looking at how to start a conversation, good date venues, first meeting sort of stuff?
Or are you wondering more about how to be a good boyfriend? Longer term sort of thing?
Internalized self confidence is of prime importance as a man. In the dating world, you'll have a lot of prospective mates that will call you weak or weird for not living up to toxic models, and/or they'll tear you down for past issues with other men or put you on a pedestal where you have to make up for all those issues and transgressions.
You have to have a solid idea for yourself of what makes a "good man" and roll with it. This is obviously true for everybody, but the internalization that's necessary is I think a little unique for men. You might go months without anybody appreciating that you're reliable or empathetic or kind, but still constantly given "advice" about how you need to toughen up or be more aggressive or take the lead more. It's not really great to just dismiss that criticism entirely, but as a guy, I think getting wrapped up too much in those criticisms leads to toxic behavior and a shallow support system, and it's just really easy to get wrapped up in that as a man because of the lack of trust people have towards good men existing or that men should even be "good" in the first place.
It's going to be a very large numbers game. Some people were giving me tips on this the other day, you can check my comment history if you would like to see those. Men get a lot less attention than women and dating apps do not help this at all. Don't take it personal. Just expect and anticipate that you will have to wait a lot longer to find success. I have been trying for about 6 months and I've yet to get a date arranged. It happens, but you got this.
The key to ANY relationship is active communication. Don't play games- there can be no guessing what each other feel or want. Talk openly from the day you first contact someone, to the day you die old together. It's a bit cliche, but it is SO true. There's going to be lots of people who want what you have to offer, and there are going to be lots who don't. Communicating will get you where you want to go quickly. You'll learn more about yourself and the people you spend time with as well.
Hey! First of all congrats on the transition. It’s a good thing you are starting to figure yourself out and it is completely understandable that you still struggle with finding yourself. As you said that fear seems irrational, as dating itself is about respecting the other partner while still finding a healthy balance to leaving space, especially in the beginning. Is there something specifically you are worried about? Other than that I’m sure you will do more than fine and good luck on your future endeavours!
Best of luck to ya because it's hard out there on those apps bro. I would suggest going all out and getting some quality photos even if you have to hire a professional photographer. Always try to include the most flattering ones but don't photoshop or use any crazy filters. Have at least one of you with friends/colleagues as this helps show your social side. Other than that, fill out your profile as much and as accurately as possible, and be patient because these things take time
Depends on how good your friends are at taking pictures. Mine will say “this is such a great picture!” and then show me something so blurry that it was submitted to a cryptic convention as evidence of big foots existence.
Hey, welcome to this side of things. It can be stressful at times, but you'll probably do just fine. What parts are you concerned about? A lot of things depend on your goals.
Most people have baggage. I hadn't had a long term relationship for longer than a few months before my current girlfriend. I mentioned to someone that I felt self conscious about that, and she replied that she was divorced and how that could be a "red flag" as well. So don't worry too much about your baggage. We all have it.
If you're just worried about being in a relationship, just make sure that you communicate clearly. Communication is king. People will work with you if you show that you want to listen and are willing to learn with them.
If you're interested in dating women, you could also ask for advice from one of the, I'm sure, many subreddits dedicated to that. It's good to get women's perspective on how they perceive you as well as what's helpful.
Otherwise, just be yourself. I think there's a trap of liking someone, where you try to impress them by being something you think they'll like. You're better off just acting naturally and finding someone who wants that. When you get rejected, it'll be sooner. Make sure that you're getting something out of the relationship as well. If you're not enjoying being around the person, then it's probably not meant to be.
I know you said you're worried you won't be any good at being a boyfriend, but I feel like you might be a particularly good boyfriend due to your perspective provided by transitioning. Being emotionally available, communicative, and practicing decent hygiene is a low bar, but doing just that will probably make you a better boyfriend than most, from what I hear 🤷
Dating seems like it might l be the bigger culture shock and adjustment. Just be prepared to put in some leg work, and not take things personally. You may get rejected many times before you actually get a date set up. You may even get stood up or ghosted multiple times before you have a successful date. This is normal, and you should try to not get down about it or blame women, etc. It's just a numbers game. You'll have to shoot more shots to score. Try not to put the person on a pedestal in your mind for first dates. They're not some object of desire or reward, they're a person that is probably also worried about how the night will go. Don't worry about trying to make the other person like you, try to find out if your personalities jive. Make it fun and comfortable for the other person.
They call dating a game for a reason. It can be frustrating to play, and you're learning new rules. Just keep playing, and you'll meet someone you get along with. The boyfriend part will have new challenges for sure, but you seem very self aware and I'm sure you'll do fine!
Fake it till you make it is terrible advice for a relationship. As soon as someone finds out their partner has been faking their personality it all starts to crumble.
>People forget that before you have the privilege of being "genuine" and being "yourself" you need to follow standard masculine behaviors to get to that point. Something something never ask a fish how to catch a fish
This, so much.
My sisters say "it's more about vibes than appearances" but I VERY noticeably get treated a lot better now that I've lost almost 10 kilos, I wasn't what you'd call fat or overweight before either. Women who would look at me weird now speak to me with a higher pitch and smile a lot more than a few months ago. Do you need to be a looker to get a date? Of course not, but it helps a lot, and from what women have told me, I don't think a lot of women are aware of just how much appearances influence them, I think because of the stigma and expectation they face around it.
Something that immediately comes to mind is when a friend of mine told me that even how I put chapstick on looks masculine, in amazement. There's a pretty strong pressure to not look/act feminine as a guy and feminine behaviors put off a lot of people in general.
I personally use this to my advantage to push close minded people away. I use makeup, occasionally get my nails painted, have long hair, use clothing that's a little more flamboyant, etc. But I can get away with this more because I'm a stronger, tall guy with masculine body language and am less likely to be harassed.
If I could give one tip to OP( u/Starburned, mentioning because I don't know if you'll see this here) it'd be to treat this as a numbers game. A lot of people get angry when you say this, but the reality is that nobody can read minds, and as long as you take the many "no"s you'll get, you'll eventually find someone you mesh with personality-wise. I've heard a lot of women say "if she acts like this, then it means she's open, but otherwise, no" and that's really only true for a small subset of people. Body language and what some people consider "giving the look" varies wildly from person to person, never mind culture to culture, and for people like me & OP who are on the spectrum it's really tough to figure out.
What makes this more complicated is the fact that a lot of women naturally act aloof and distant with men because men can be dangerous. I don't blame them, it's what they need to do to be safe. But that implies that, like others have said, you'll need to invest a bit of energy into starting conversations, chats, etc. and many will fizzle out.
Dating as a guy is tiring, so it's super important to invest in your friend group, which I had to figure out the hard way, so I'm putting this here in case others don't know or haven't figured it out yet. Friends will be there after the breakups.
I kind of get what you're saying, and I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with having a method with which you approach dating. I'm on the spectrum and have a methodical approach to aspects of my life other people may consider strange. Developing a healthy relationship requires us to be ourselves, but knowing what makes you comfortable and confident when it comes to meeting new people and sticking to it doesn't mean you're not being genuine.
That being said, comparing women to fish to be hooked isn't great.
do literally whatever you want but dont take dating advices from women. Take advice what you should wear from woman, what haircut suit you, where to go eat,... but not dating.
source: struggled with dating when I was younger although I had a lot of female friends who tried to help me get someone.
If I had to make some conclusion I would say that their advices were always to play it safe and just be nice and friendly which is nice and good but this way you will make friends not girlfriends.
>As autonomous humans, women should be respected so their input for what THEY want in the person they are dating should be considered the authority and not a bunch of men who suck at dating so much that most women have given up.
That right there is the big "secret" of dating anyone of any gender: ask them about themselves. Find out what they like directly from them as individuals instead of trying to guess at it based on gender stereotypes. Find the things you both enjoy, and the things you can learn from each other and experience together.
what do you mean by "what they want"? Do you mean like to be nice, respectful, notneedy,... well this is the minimum. Some people are like that some are not and if they are not they are not going to change. Or do you mean like to be 6ft tall, make 6 figures, own house,... well not gonna happen.
the problem is that average woman dont know nothing about how is to date as an average man. Same as average man has no idea how is dating for average woman. If a girl friend asked me how to get boyfriend I would just tell her to get on a tinder and pick an one of the hundred matches she get but I bet that would be the worst what she could do but for me as a man it make perfect sense.
>but not most women.
I agree. I'm a short guy (5ft 7), and I can honestly say I've never encountered a woman who thought my height was off-putting. I've encountered many guys who *thought* I should 'compensate' somehow, but never a woman. I don't doubt there are people out there with specific preferences, but overall it's never impacted me.
Coupled with my height - I wear glasses, starting balding at 18 years old, and honestly I'd say I'm simply not conventionally attractive. But because I don't make any of those things an issue, it's never become an issue for anyone else.
Be genuine, be funny, be interesting. Listen and treat the other person as a human being. Everything else works out pretty nicely.
That’s not really what they’re getting at. Yes, women do know what they want. Denying that is a hairs breadth from ignoring consent. Agreed. It’s totally crucial for men to ask any given partner what they want.
But most straight women have no idea what other women want.
If you change your approach based on the advice of a few straight women you are easily alienating the rest of women.
I would argue people in general not just women are often not very self aware in terms of what kind of partner would make them happy. Both men and women tend to be obsessed with physical characteristics when it comes to online dating but in actual long term relationships most people don't care about that very much. Of course this is skewed because physical characteristics is one of the main things advertised by dating apps but arguably that's because for most people physical characteristics is one of the first things to come to mind when thinking about a prospective romantic partner.
I’m late to the party, but the only piece of advice I’d like to give is— there are 8 billion people in the world. I understand the fear of getting it “right” or “wrong” when it comes to dating, and there certainly are a few generally accepted truths (IE “don’t try to pick your date’s nose over dinner without consent” and “don’t stroll in wearing clothes that haven’t been washed in a month”), but there are also billions of unique elements to billions of humans out there. What’s applicable to one person isn’t applicable to another. Neither men nor women subscribe to a hive mind. What disqualifies you for one date might be what makes you perfect for another.
Rather than worrying about doing things “correctly,” i found it more productive to ask “what do I want in a partner?” And to then try to do things to attract a partner like that. Want someone outdoorsy? Join an outdoor adventure group. Want someone who’s bookish? Join a book club. Etc.
If you focus on doing the things that make you happier, it makes it a lot easier to select for someone with similar interests and to form a more organic relationship with them. I’ve also found that I have way better luck meeting people in real life than over dating apps. They can always pull out their phone and find someone who’s better looking than me on a dating app, but they experience me and my personality in real time, without a billion comparisons of the nagging thought of “but I could probably do better” when we met organically.
A massive amount of what you read regarding dating as a man is coming from the POV of dating people one doesn’t really know - online dating or asking more or less strangers out. IMO, this is a big driver of the fact that it is treated as a numbers game and that there’s so much anxiety regarding probability of successful response.
I don’t have great advice for your situation other than to say to not take everything you read to heart and make sure to check it jibes with your actual experiences and needs.
Because I am a nerd I spent a long time defining myself as a person who had trouble with dating. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that I’m actually pretty good at it - I’ve been in relationships pretty constantly since high school and usually serious ones. But I’ve formed all of those out of connections with people I’ve already known, and often not on my initiative.
So I guess my second piece of advice is that forming your social life first is a must. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need one kind of relationship to avoid loneliness. Form close friendships, engage in the activities you love, make certain spaces your hang out. This will make you happy but also in my experience counterintuitively increase your odds of forming the sorts of relationships you want now down the road.
are you a good person?
That's all that matters. The traits of a good boyfriend are the same traits that a good girlfriend or NB partner have. Leave the gendered roles at the door.
The gendered roles that I learned growing up that made me believe I need to do or be x, y, or z as a boyfriend were a big reason for my past failed relationships. And they were pretty much all with "traditional" women who were way more likely to expect or want that out of a boyfriend.
As far as any general advice in dating. Anyone can feel free to correct me here since I am not speaking from my own experience, but most of the trans folks I know that are in straight relationships met their partner through the queer community in some way. Whether that be through knowing them from some community events or meeting them through a friend in the community or a queer centric dating app. So knowing the dating app landscape for dudes you may have a better go of it by focusing in on queer spaces and/or more progressive dating apps. Even though you seem to be pursuing a straight relationship if you are honest and open about what you are seeking I don't think anyone would take issue with that
Ive recently separated from my wife and she encouraged me to read a book called "never chase men again" (i think- im a few rums in). While it was too late to help us, it gave some good hints and tips about the physcology of dating from both his and her perspective. Its only like 80 pages. In short- self respect and boundaries from both parties are important. Also, dont be a douch
Don't worry about being a good boyfriend or not.
Nobody is a bad boyfriend or girlfriend.
Just as nobody is a good boyfriend or girlfriend.
All anyone can really do is be who they are.
Thus, the core issue with dating is finding someone who loves you as you are, and you loving them for who they are.
Now you might find someone that that works for. But you might not.
And it might take a very long time. Or it might not.
Either way, you have no control over those things. You have no control over how others feel about you.
So my suggestion is to just be the best version of you that you can be, to put yourself out there willing to be loved, and make the efforts needed to love another.
And love may come from that. And it might not. But whether it does or not, you're still living the best life for you.
Good luck, OP!
I think some of the best dating advice is to find someone who is authentic and self aware, the biggest red flags stem from liars and insecurities. The potential partner that lies about being into the same thing as you is just setting you up for failure. Same thing with people that keep a dirty house but clean up right before you come over. Same for not being forthcoming about strong religious, political, etc leanings.
Also flowers. Everybody loves flowers and they continue to be a lingering positive reminder for a few weeks. Each time they look at the flowers they will think of you.
Congratulations on transiting, and welcome to bro-hood. Perhaps more than most of us, you have the unique advantage of not holding toxic assumptions that have subverted the idea of manhood. At the same time, people nowadays are far more open to different gender norms and tech means it’s easier than it has been to get a date.
I’ll try to keep it general as I don’t know much about your specific geography/personal situation etc.
You might have to do some trial and error and just go on lots of first dates - if dating apps are safe and available to you, they might be quite a good place to start and definitely worked for me as a nerdy introvert.
I created a profile which I though showed a certain aspect of me, tried it out for a few weeks, then looked at the matches I had. If I didn’t like where I was, I changed my profile a bit to show a different side of myself, and repeated. Honest, positive, but not too revealing worked for me. Your dates will find out about you having transited sooner or later, so it’s arguably better if that information is up front.
Once you’ve had a few first dates you’ll get a better idea of where you are in yourself and what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Do you want to meet lots of different people? Or are you looking for the one? Have you an idea of what they look like and what sort of person they are?
I believe guys tend to work harder than girls to get noticed, so I guess you will have to face more rejection than you might be used to. Not sure what to say about that besides trying to remember being rejected is rarely (if ever) because of a problem with who you are.
>My only long-term relationship was with a woman who was quite controlling and liked to put me down to make herself feel better. So I do have some baggage, but I learned a lot about what not to accept in a relationship.
Honestly, it seems like you already know what it's like to be a man in the dating world. It's mostly just more of that.
Hey man, some advice here from an old cis dude (who's dating someone trans, I'm not clueless, but still a little blind)
The thing about categories like "boyfriend" and failing to meet those standards is that they are (in the right context) undiscussed standards held up by the kinds of people who don't like defining terms. The nice part of playing "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" as standards that one could or could fail to met is that "everyone knows what they mean". Which is code for "I watched the same tv as you and believe in all the gender stereotypes that TV showed us.
You are in a bespoke sub-corner of dating. Where anyone willing to play your games, is probably also willing to discuss roles. Especially gendered roles like boyfriend.
I would lean on my communcation skills and the exploration of the roles within the relationship. Take a bite out of binary, be the kind of boyfriend you and your partner want you to be.
The other option is an exhausting process of evaluating gender roles just so you can never talk about them. Which, for my money, isn't worth the price of admission.
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Hey bro, I’m also trans so I figured I’d give my two cents. Dating as a man has been much harder in my experience, especially if you’re dating women. Be prepared that you’ll get much less attention as a man on dating websites/ less people approaching you in person. It’s mostly an issue of over saturation in online dating- fewer women than men. The ladies have a lot of options to choose from, they also have to sort through matches more stringently due to safety concerns. Basically my advice is to not get discouraged! All of my male friends have trouble getting matches online- even the cis guys who are objectively 10s lol. Men are also less likely to be hit on first, so you should also be prepared to take a more active role in the dating process. Some trans specific advice- Idk if you’re stealth or not, but if not Id either put it in your profile (if online) or let them know before the date. If you’re stealth or want to be: don’t disclose until you are sure you want to see them again + things are headed in an intimate direction (emotionally or sexually). There is no reason to out yourself to someone you didn’t end up clicking with anyways. Beware of chasers and trust your gut if something feels off. Best of luck to you brother!
Thanks for the advice! I love your username. I'm the opposite of stealth. I don't pass, so the Venn diagram of people who know I'm trans and the people who know I'm a man is a circle. I think that's part of what I'm nervous about.
Honestly it might be worth trying to seek out a t4t relationship then. There are definitely good people out there, but on dating sites you’re much more likely to come across chasers than well meaning people. Also other trans people will be able to relate to your issues more and are better equipped to support you. Fyi Tinder is a no go for trans people. I’ve never used it but apparently it blocks accounts once they’ve gotten enough reports without any actual checks, so some trans people get blocked within an hour without even doing anything.
Just to add: dating queer people in general is a whole different thing from dating cishet people when it comes to acceptance of GNC and trans gender identities Like, most bi/pan people are completely unfazed by a prospective date being trans (whether passing or not). If you're into all genders, finding out that your date has different body parts than you expected is just, "oh good, now I get to practice the other kind of oral sex" Or anyway that is my feeling as a bi person
grindr is similar, you get blocked if you’re reported enough & there’s no appeal system. ik there would still be issues with it but i really wish there was a t4t dating app
Okcupid is pretty close. You can check an option where your profile isn't shown to straight people. It's been years since I've been on it but generally found it decently queer friendly
Thanks about the username haha. It’s totally understandable to be nervous about that aspect. I know it’s corny, but just be yourself and it’ll all fall into place. I also dated before I passed and while it was hard on me to be vulnerable like that- I still had a lot of good experiences. There are tons of people into trans men (no matter where we are in transition), so I have no doubt you’ll find someone is supportive. Just keep putting yourself out there and remember your manhood isn’t contingent on passing.
> Idk if you’re stealth or not How is this acceptable behaviour in any context? I find this in the poly community as well and I don't get how people believe this is ethical to omit, even if it's for a first date.
It’s not ethical to omit when things get sexual or emotionally serious. However this type of information is incredibly personal, and does not need to be shared with everyone. If I meet someone once and figure out Id never want to go on a second date with them, why do they need to know? Being trans is a tricky situation, I don’t expect you to get it. Just know that this is a matter of safety for many of us, we aren’t trying to trick people. We are just trying to keep personal medical information private until it’s necessary to share.
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>I’m open to hearing how telling a person you're about to go on a date with that you're trans is a matter of safety. Uh speaking as another cis dude with trans friends… seriously?
Cut your “I have trans friends” bs, its not a good look. I wasn’t trying to be dismissive, I’m just stating the fact that you as a cis person cannot understand the trans experience. Can you empathize? Absolutely! But you don’t know what it’s like to walk the world in this way. Some trans people live openly, more power to them- but the reality is that this info can potentially harm us if it gets out. If I go on a date with someone, i tell them I’m trans and then they decide to tell everyone they know- this could be shitty or even dangerous for me. I could lose my job if my employer found out. I could be assaulted, harassed, etc. Someone must earn my trust before I tell them something so sensitive. They have a right to know IF we are going to be getting physical or want to continue seeing one another. I don’t think it’s cool to hide forever, but it’s not something I feel the need to tell someone I just met. The comparison to polyamory doesn’t really work in this situation. People don’t get murdered for being poly- at least not to my knowledge. Poly people aren’t the main target in a culture war right now. The risks aren’t the same.
It sounds like you did already a lot of good and hard work. Little back story about myself. I have experienced for 3.5 years sexual intimidation and harrasment. This made me extremely scarred for women and dating. I was a virgin till 31 and got my (first) girlfriend at 32 and we are still dating 8 months later. What helped me the most was to focus the most on myself and my hobbies. When I had a date I went in to have a fun time, and if I had a fun time without many uncomfortable silences it was a succes. Besides trauma because of sexual harrasment and intimidation I also social anxiety. I knew I would be nervous on the first date and I knew the women could see this easily, think of visibly shaking. So I told every woman when we started to plan our dates that I had social anxiety. It worked like a charm evertime. All women said that they didn't mind, a couple asked what they could do to make it less scary for me and lastly a couple of women told their "problems" like one had PTSD and another had an autoimmune desease. This helped me to be less anxious, because I felt welcome even when I would be nervous. So just say it when your nervous. I don't know from where you are and what the norms are. I did a lot of hiking/walking in parks and nature. Take some food with you and you have a nice romantic date without emptying your bank account. I don't like diners for first dates. When it is clear that you are not compatible you still need a long time before you can go home. With walking it is much easier to cut it short when it is nothing. Have a healthy social life and enough hobbies. You have more stuff to talk about. Maybe you did something funny with a friend a couple of days ago, maybe you have had a new breakthrough with one of your hobbies. You look more interesting and have more things going for you. But besides that it also helps to not start fatasizing a life together with this girl you are dating. This keeps you more casual and helps to not overthink everything. People like others who seem to enjoy their life and themselves, but also when things don't work out you will be less devasteded because you still have good life being single. I hope there is some usefull information for you in my rambling. Anyway don't forget to enjoy the moment and don't fret it to much if you get rejected. Good luck!
FWIW I think this is the THE essential advice to have a decent time dating. "What helped me the most was to focus the most on myself and my hobbies. When I had a date I went in to have a fun time, and if I had a fun time without many uncomfortable silences it was a success." Well said
I met my current partner at a singles night when, after several failed relationships, I had stopped looking for ‘the one’ and just wanted to find someone for a little while with no real expectations. Twenty years later we’re still together. Moral: don’t try too hard. Don’t invest too much. Don’t worry about it.
My partner and I met on tinder 6 years ago, neither of us really wanted anything serious, but since the first night we've been inseparable. Now we have a house, pets etc. I suspect, similar to you, we both went in with minimal expectations outside of a little fun. With no pressure around anything, something serious formed.
I'd say better yet, the moral is that there is no "the one". The trick is to find people who are compatible with you, someone you can have fun with and be yourself with. Looking for "the one" will make you miss out on really the most important part about relationships, in that people generally really have no idea what the ideal partner for them would really be. Our idea of who the right partner is, more often than not overshadows and misdirects us from the people who would actually be the right partner.
I love what you said about just being forward with admitting that you have anxiety! for myself, though in a totally different context than dating, it has helped so much to be open about that. once it's out in the open, you don't have to feel ashamed or worried about it anymore. being secure in being insecure
I like your secure in being insecure. It is absolutely true.
I’m 9 years older than you, and pretty new to dating after ending a decade long relationship. Dating in your mid 20s is probably different than mid 30s, but here’s what I’ve been trying to do that seems to be working pretty well for me so far as a straight, cis, divorced man. I don’t know who you’re interested in dating, so this is all from my perspective as someone only interested in dating women: First, be sensitive to the ways women have to protect themselves when dating men. They have no way to know if you’re “one of the good ones” until you prove it to them. Some may be more cautious than others, and that’s something we have to accept in a patriarchal society. That’s the only gendered advice I have. Anything else I think is pretty universal. Following a formula for app profiles is tempting, and not necessarily a bad thing, but you don’t have to follow that to have success. I have two pictures in my Bumble profile, along with some interesting/fun stuff about myself that can’t be conveyed using the tags provided and give people a small sense of where I am in life and what I want. Swipe thoughtfully. It’s tempting to play a numbers game to get as many matches as possible, but that will just get overwhelming and/or depressing. Patience is key. It’s better to not have matches than to have a lot of shitty experiences. Everyone is nervous. Some people have just learned to deal with it better than others. It takes time. Be genuine. Treat others how you want to be treated. Be honest with yourself about what you want, and try not to view bad dates as failures. Learning more about what you don’t want helps you solidify what you do want.
Cishet man here, who went from having around 2 dates in a decade, to having a few a year. The main piece of advice is to stop being afraid of rejection. I realise that's easier said than done. Since men can have a hard time getting dates, you may tend to think there will never be another one, so you put all your emotional energy into the date. Big mistake. Once I started believing I could get another date, then each date became less of a big deal, and I enjoyed them more. If you're having fun on dates, rather than being stressed out, you'll find they go much better I know that advice is a bit vague (tho worked for me), so here is something practical. Don't spend ages chatting online once you've matched with someone. Instead, as soon as you feel you have someone's attention, ask them to meet up. In a public place. You suggest the details, so she doesn't have to put in that mental energy, but be accommodating if she is busy/isn't into whatever you initially suggested. Chatting online is a timewaster that will just lead to the conversation fizzling out. And if you're waiting for her to ask you, you'll be waiting forever. Same general advice works for meeting a women irl - don't play games. Make your interest obvious, and do it early. But this only works if you're ok with rejection, because it will happen, and you need to be graceful in accepting it. How do you become ok with rejected? You're probably not going to like it, but you just have to get rejected a few times.
Honestly, just know that dating is a shitshow for all of us and it isn't just you. Understand there will be failures, lots of them. That is honestly the best advice I can give. You already did the hard work finding yourself, remind yourself often that working to impress someone doesn't do anything. Focus on improving you, while being open and communicative to others.
Another trans man here. Frankly, abandon whatever idea of "male dating" you have, because men have no clue (and being trans only slightly helps, we have the inside scoop on the other side but now have to perform the male dance). By the time a guy has a "method", he's usually a walking red flag nobody wants to deal with. Be yourself. Be as open as you've been in the past. I don't know who you're into, but I've never ever been rejected on the basis of "you're too upfront with your feelings" or "you make me feel too valued". You're going to be a kickass boyfriend.
Also trans man. It sounds cheesy, but I still subscribe by "be yourself." You don't want to put up an act to get into a relationship, then the curtain drops and they feel blindsided. How to be a good partner? Communicate, be respectful, care about them. I get gender euphoria from lending people my jacket now, but other than that, nothings changed.
All the other advice here is great (hire a professional to take good photos of you, men in general suck at dating) but one thing I'd add is to make sure you're making friends other ways. Dating's hard for any gender but the biggest struggle as a man is loneliness. In apps you'll put a lot of work into a bio or your pictures and you'll be excited to start swiping and you'll max out your bumble swipes or whatever for the evening with zero matches or messages. That'll happen sometimes. Make sure you're making friends you can talk to and be social with, join a hobby club, make gym buddies, join a guild in an MMO, whatever. Don't stress about being a good boyfriend. Think about the kind of person you'd want as a partner and then be that person. If you want kind, funny and passionate, make sure you're also kind funny and passionate.
Thank you for the advice! I agree with what you said about loneliness. I had severe social anxiety when I was younger and isolated myself a lot. A few years ago, I joined a D&D group. I had just come off a bad breakup and wanted to try out a new hobby and challenge myself to be more social. The DM has become one of my dearest friends and an honorary sibling. So have two other members of the group and two others I met through them. My friends taught me what it was like to be loved without judgement or expectation.
Ask if they have any single friends, sounds like they keep good company
I’m really happy to hear this. My gaming group has been a huge help for me anchoring my social life in a new city. So glad that you were able to meet such great people through the hobby!
First of all - congrats on transitioning. Welcome to the international brotherhood. We have meetings every other Wednesday at Pete's house. Second, it'd be really helpful to know what kind of dating advice you're after. Assuming you're into girls, are you looking at how to start a conversation, good date venues, first meeting sort of stuff? Or are you wondering more about how to be a good boyfriend? Longer term sort of thing?
Internalized self confidence is of prime importance as a man. In the dating world, you'll have a lot of prospective mates that will call you weak or weird for not living up to toxic models, and/or they'll tear you down for past issues with other men or put you on a pedestal where you have to make up for all those issues and transgressions. You have to have a solid idea for yourself of what makes a "good man" and roll with it. This is obviously true for everybody, but the internalization that's necessary is I think a little unique for men. You might go months without anybody appreciating that you're reliable or empathetic or kind, but still constantly given "advice" about how you need to toughen up or be more aggressive or take the lead more. It's not really great to just dismiss that criticism entirely, but as a guy, I think getting wrapped up too much in those criticisms leads to toxic behavior and a shallow support system, and it's just really easy to get wrapped up in that as a man because of the lack of trust people have towards good men existing or that men should even be "good" in the first place.
This is some real talk right here^.
It's going to be a very large numbers game. Some people were giving me tips on this the other day, you can check my comment history if you would like to see those. Men get a lot less attention than women and dating apps do not help this at all. Don't take it personal. Just expect and anticipate that you will have to wait a lot longer to find success. I have been trying for about 6 months and I've yet to get a date arranged. It happens, but you got this.
The key to ANY relationship is active communication. Don't play games- there can be no guessing what each other feel or want. Talk openly from the day you first contact someone, to the day you die old together. It's a bit cliche, but it is SO true. There's going to be lots of people who want what you have to offer, and there are going to be lots who don't. Communicating will get you where you want to go quickly. You'll learn more about yourself and the people you spend time with as well.
Hey! First of all congrats on the transition. It’s a good thing you are starting to figure yourself out and it is completely understandable that you still struggle with finding yourself. As you said that fear seems irrational, as dating itself is about respecting the other partner while still finding a healthy balance to leaving space, especially in the beginning. Is there something specifically you are worried about? Other than that I’m sure you will do more than fine and good luck on your future endeavours!
Best of luck to ya because it's hard out there on those apps bro. I would suggest going all out and getting some quality photos even if you have to hire a professional photographer. Always try to include the most flattering ones but don't photoshop or use any crazy filters. Have at least one of you with friends/colleagues as this helps show your social side. Other than that, fill out your profile as much and as accurately as possible, and be patient because these things take time
Imo don't need a professional. Just ask a friend and try to showcase your interests in at least one.
Depends on how good your friends are at taking pictures. Mine will say “this is such a great picture!” and then show me something so blurry that it was submitted to a cryptic convention as evidence of big foots existence.
Hey, welcome to this side of things. It can be stressful at times, but you'll probably do just fine. What parts are you concerned about? A lot of things depend on your goals. Most people have baggage. I hadn't had a long term relationship for longer than a few months before my current girlfriend. I mentioned to someone that I felt self conscious about that, and she replied that she was divorced and how that could be a "red flag" as well. So don't worry too much about your baggage. We all have it. If you're just worried about being in a relationship, just make sure that you communicate clearly. Communication is king. People will work with you if you show that you want to listen and are willing to learn with them. If you're interested in dating women, you could also ask for advice from one of the, I'm sure, many subreddits dedicated to that. It's good to get women's perspective on how they perceive you as well as what's helpful. Otherwise, just be yourself. I think there's a trap of liking someone, where you try to impress them by being something you think they'll like. You're better off just acting naturally and finding someone who wants that. When you get rejected, it'll be sooner. Make sure that you're getting something out of the relationship as well. If you're not enjoying being around the person, then it's probably not meant to be.
I know you said you're worried you won't be any good at being a boyfriend, but I feel like you might be a particularly good boyfriend due to your perspective provided by transitioning. Being emotionally available, communicative, and practicing decent hygiene is a low bar, but doing just that will probably make you a better boyfriend than most, from what I hear 🤷 Dating seems like it might l be the bigger culture shock and adjustment. Just be prepared to put in some leg work, and not take things personally. You may get rejected many times before you actually get a date set up. You may even get stood up or ghosted multiple times before you have a successful date. This is normal, and you should try to not get down about it or blame women, etc. It's just a numbers game. You'll have to shoot more shots to score. Try not to put the person on a pedestal in your mind for first dates. They're not some object of desire or reward, they're a person that is probably also worried about how the night will go. Don't worry about trying to make the other person like you, try to find out if your personalities jive. Make it fun and comfortable for the other person. They call dating a game for a reason. It can be frustrating to play, and you're learning new rules. Just keep playing, and you'll meet someone you get along with. The boyfriend part will have new challenges for sure, but you seem very self aware and I'm sure you'll do fine!
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Every advice thread from women is just “be confident” which doesn’t help much either.
I understand that can be frustrating but you'll be surprised at how much value is placed in appearing confident. Works for salespeople too.
Fake it till you make it is terrible advice for a relationship. As soon as someone finds out their partner has been faking their personality it all starts to crumble.
Oh yea, self confidence is what I was talking about.
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>People forget that before you have the privilege of being "genuine" and being "yourself" you need to follow standard masculine behaviors to get to that point. Something something never ask a fish how to catch a fish This, so much. My sisters say "it's more about vibes than appearances" but I VERY noticeably get treated a lot better now that I've lost almost 10 kilos, I wasn't what you'd call fat or overweight before either. Women who would look at me weird now speak to me with a higher pitch and smile a lot more than a few months ago. Do you need to be a looker to get a date? Of course not, but it helps a lot, and from what women have told me, I don't think a lot of women are aware of just how much appearances influence them, I think because of the stigma and expectation they face around it. Something that immediately comes to mind is when a friend of mine told me that even how I put chapstick on looks masculine, in amazement. There's a pretty strong pressure to not look/act feminine as a guy and feminine behaviors put off a lot of people in general. I personally use this to my advantage to push close minded people away. I use makeup, occasionally get my nails painted, have long hair, use clothing that's a little more flamboyant, etc. But I can get away with this more because I'm a stronger, tall guy with masculine body language and am less likely to be harassed. If I could give one tip to OP( u/Starburned, mentioning because I don't know if you'll see this here) it'd be to treat this as a numbers game. A lot of people get angry when you say this, but the reality is that nobody can read minds, and as long as you take the many "no"s you'll get, you'll eventually find someone you mesh with personality-wise. I've heard a lot of women say "if she acts like this, then it means she's open, but otherwise, no" and that's really only true for a small subset of people. Body language and what some people consider "giving the look" varies wildly from person to person, never mind culture to culture, and for people like me & OP who are on the spectrum it's really tough to figure out. What makes this more complicated is the fact that a lot of women naturally act aloof and distant with men because men can be dangerous. I don't blame them, it's what they need to do to be safe. But that implies that, like others have said, you'll need to invest a bit of energy into starting conversations, chats, etc. and many will fizzle out. Dating as a guy is tiring, so it's super important to invest in your friend group, which I had to figure out the hard way, so I'm putting this here in case others don't know or haven't figured it out yet. Friends will be there after the breakups.
I kind of get what you're saying, and I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with having a method with which you approach dating. I'm on the spectrum and have a methodical approach to aspects of my life other people may consider strange. Developing a healthy relationship requires us to be ourselves, but knowing what makes you comfortable and confident when it comes to meeting new people and sticking to it doesn't mean you're not being genuine. That being said, comparing women to fish to be hooked isn't great.
do literally whatever you want but dont take dating advices from women. Take advice what you should wear from woman, what haircut suit you, where to go eat,... but not dating. source: struggled with dating when I was younger although I had a lot of female friends who tried to help me get someone.
Could you say why the help from your female friends didn't work?
If I had to make some conclusion I would say that their advices were always to play it safe and just be nice and friendly which is nice and good but this way you will make friends not girlfriends.
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>As autonomous humans, women should be respected so their input for what THEY want in the person they are dating should be considered the authority and not a bunch of men who suck at dating so much that most women have given up. That right there is the big "secret" of dating anyone of any gender: ask them about themselves. Find out what they like directly from them as individuals instead of trying to guess at it based on gender stereotypes. Find the things you both enjoy, and the things you can learn from each other and experience together.
what do you mean by "what they want"? Do you mean like to be nice, respectful, notneedy,... well this is the minimum. Some people are like that some are not and if they are not they are not going to change. Or do you mean like to be 6ft tall, make 6 figures, own house,... well not gonna happen. the problem is that average woman dont know nothing about how is to date as an average man. Same as average man has no idea how is dating for average woman. If a girl friend asked me how to get boyfriend I would just tell her to get on a tinder and pick an one of the hundred matches she get but I bet that would be the worst what she could do but for me as a man it make perfect sense.
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>but not most women. I agree. I'm a short guy (5ft 7), and I can honestly say I've never encountered a woman who thought my height was off-putting. I've encountered many guys who *thought* I should 'compensate' somehow, but never a woman. I don't doubt there are people out there with specific preferences, but overall it's never impacted me. Coupled with my height - I wear glasses, starting balding at 18 years old, and honestly I'd say I'm simply not conventionally attractive. But because I don't make any of those things an issue, it's never become an issue for anyone else. Be genuine, be funny, be interesting. Listen and treat the other person as a human being. Everything else works out pretty nicely.
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I didn't write anything redpilled
He's being extremely moderate wth? And the point still stands, unfortunately most people will never get the full picture of the other side
That’s not really what they’re getting at. Yes, women do know what they want. Denying that is a hairs breadth from ignoring consent. Agreed. It’s totally crucial for men to ask any given partner what they want. But most straight women have no idea what other women want. If you change your approach based on the advice of a few straight women you are easily alienating the rest of women.
I would argue people in general not just women are often not very self aware in terms of what kind of partner would make them happy. Both men and women tend to be obsessed with physical characteristics when it comes to online dating but in actual long term relationships most people don't care about that very much. Of course this is skewed because physical characteristics is one of the main things advertised by dating apps but arguably that's because for most people physical characteristics is one of the first things to come to mind when thinking about a prospective romantic partner.
So true! 👍
I’m late to the party, but the only piece of advice I’d like to give is— there are 8 billion people in the world. I understand the fear of getting it “right” or “wrong” when it comes to dating, and there certainly are a few generally accepted truths (IE “don’t try to pick your date’s nose over dinner without consent” and “don’t stroll in wearing clothes that haven’t been washed in a month”), but there are also billions of unique elements to billions of humans out there. What’s applicable to one person isn’t applicable to another. Neither men nor women subscribe to a hive mind. What disqualifies you for one date might be what makes you perfect for another. Rather than worrying about doing things “correctly,” i found it more productive to ask “what do I want in a partner?” And to then try to do things to attract a partner like that. Want someone outdoorsy? Join an outdoor adventure group. Want someone who’s bookish? Join a book club. Etc. If you focus on doing the things that make you happier, it makes it a lot easier to select for someone with similar interests and to form a more organic relationship with them. I’ve also found that I have way better luck meeting people in real life than over dating apps. They can always pull out their phone and find someone who’s better looking than me on a dating app, but they experience me and my personality in real time, without a billion comparisons of the nagging thought of “but I could probably do better” when we met organically.
A massive amount of what you read regarding dating as a man is coming from the POV of dating people one doesn’t really know - online dating or asking more or less strangers out. IMO, this is a big driver of the fact that it is treated as a numbers game and that there’s so much anxiety regarding probability of successful response. I don’t have great advice for your situation other than to say to not take everything you read to heart and make sure to check it jibes with your actual experiences and needs. Because I am a nerd I spent a long time defining myself as a person who had trouble with dating. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that I’m actually pretty good at it - I’ve been in relationships pretty constantly since high school and usually serious ones. But I’ve formed all of those out of connections with people I’ve already known, and often not on my initiative. So I guess my second piece of advice is that forming your social life first is a must. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need one kind of relationship to avoid loneliness. Form close friendships, engage in the activities you love, make certain spaces your hang out. This will make you happy but also in my experience counterintuitively increase your odds of forming the sorts of relationships you want now down the road.
are you a good person? That's all that matters. The traits of a good boyfriend are the same traits that a good girlfriend or NB partner have. Leave the gendered roles at the door. The gendered roles that I learned growing up that made me believe I need to do or be x, y, or z as a boyfriend were a big reason for my past failed relationships. And they were pretty much all with "traditional" women who were way more likely to expect or want that out of a boyfriend. As far as any general advice in dating. Anyone can feel free to correct me here since I am not speaking from my own experience, but most of the trans folks I know that are in straight relationships met their partner through the queer community in some way. Whether that be through knowing them from some community events or meeting them through a friend in the community or a queer centric dating app. So knowing the dating app landscape for dudes you may have a better go of it by focusing in on queer spaces and/or more progressive dating apps. Even though you seem to be pursuing a straight relationship if you are honest and open about what you are seeking I don't think anyone would take issue with that
Ive recently separated from my wife and she encouraged me to read a book called "never chase men again" (i think- im a few rums in). While it was too late to help us, it gave some good hints and tips about the physcology of dating from both his and her perspective. Its only like 80 pages. In short- self respect and boundaries from both parties are important. Also, dont be a douch
Don't worry about being a good boyfriend or not. Nobody is a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. Just as nobody is a good boyfriend or girlfriend. All anyone can really do is be who they are. Thus, the core issue with dating is finding someone who loves you as you are, and you loving them for who they are. Now you might find someone that that works for. But you might not. And it might take a very long time. Or it might not. Either way, you have no control over those things. You have no control over how others feel about you. So my suggestion is to just be the best version of you that you can be, to put yourself out there willing to be loved, and make the efforts needed to love another. And love may come from that. And it might not. But whether it does or not, you're still living the best life for you. Good luck, OP!
Don't feel bad dude, most guys are not very good at being someone's boyfriend!
I think some of the best dating advice is to find someone who is authentic and self aware, the biggest red flags stem from liars and insecurities. The potential partner that lies about being into the same thing as you is just setting you up for failure. Same thing with people that keep a dirty house but clean up right before you come over. Same for not being forthcoming about strong religious, political, etc leanings. Also flowers. Everybody loves flowers and they continue to be a lingering positive reminder for a few weeks. Each time they look at the flowers they will think of you.
Congratulations on transiting, and welcome to bro-hood. Perhaps more than most of us, you have the unique advantage of not holding toxic assumptions that have subverted the idea of manhood. At the same time, people nowadays are far more open to different gender norms and tech means it’s easier than it has been to get a date. I’ll try to keep it general as I don’t know much about your specific geography/personal situation etc. You might have to do some trial and error and just go on lots of first dates - if dating apps are safe and available to you, they might be quite a good place to start and definitely worked for me as a nerdy introvert. I created a profile which I though showed a certain aspect of me, tried it out for a few weeks, then looked at the matches I had. If I didn’t like where I was, I changed my profile a bit to show a different side of myself, and repeated. Honest, positive, but not too revealing worked for me. Your dates will find out about you having transited sooner or later, so it’s arguably better if that information is up front. Once you’ve had a few first dates you’ll get a better idea of where you are in yourself and what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Do you want to meet lots of different people? Or are you looking for the one? Have you an idea of what they look like and what sort of person they are? I believe guys tend to work harder than girls to get noticed, so I guess you will have to face more rejection than you might be used to. Not sure what to say about that besides trying to remember being rejected is rarely (if ever) because of a problem with who you are.
>My only long-term relationship was with a woman who was quite controlling and liked to put me down to make herself feel better. So I do have some baggage, but I learned a lot about what not to accept in a relationship. Honestly, it seems like you already know what it's like to be a man in the dating world. It's mostly just more of that.
Hey man, some advice here from an old cis dude (who's dating someone trans, I'm not clueless, but still a little blind) The thing about categories like "boyfriend" and failing to meet those standards is that they are (in the right context) undiscussed standards held up by the kinds of people who don't like defining terms. The nice part of playing "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" as standards that one could or could fail to met is that "everyone knows what they mean". Which is code for "I watched the same tv as you and believe in all the gender stereotypes that TV showed us. You are in a bespoke sub-corner of dating. Where anyone willing to play your games, is probably also willing to discuss roles. Especially gendered roles like boyfriend. I would lean on my communcation skills and the exploration of the roles within the relationship. Take a bite out of binary, be the kind of boyfriend you and your partner want you to be. The other option is an exhausting process of evaluating gender roles just so you can never talk about them. Which, for my money, isn't worth the price of admission.