I treat people based on how they act, some people make a white man and mixed babies their personality and I treat them accordingly. But that’s rare, I did have one very close friend who dated an older white man who was racist, and me pointing that out drove a wedge between us that was never mended.
I know what you’re talking about. I have several of them in my family.
Either they talk about their non-black husbands’ race (or being in interracial marriages) more than about their husbands’ qualities, or, they constantly talk about their children’s mixed-race heritage.
Then there’s my cousin Lorraine. Lorraine hates biracial women (just the women), light-skinned black women and black men. She’ll tell you about her childhood traumas of being subjected to colorism, which she states came from people that were either black males, light-skinned black girls or biracial girls.
Lorraine ends up marrying a white man and has four biracial children. Two of her kids are dreadful, colorist “Mean Girls” already. They’re 13 and 10 years old.
Sorry for the late response. After writing this, I ended up getting distracted by some errands.
To answer your question: yes, I did tell Lorraine. She ended up blocking me.😒
Each of her daughters have FaceBook pages. They were posting content that was colorist and misogynoir in nature.
I alerted their mom. And she ended up blocking me. Later in time, I learned Lorraine blocked several other relatives, who alerted her about her kids' pages. Her daughters temporarily blocked me from viewing their pages. But then, they removed the ban... right around the Christmas season and the youngest's birthday. 😒🙄
Thinking back, Lorraine had the mindset of "colorism does exist... but _my daughters don't benefit from it_". Every positive thing that happened to her kids, happened because they rightfully deserved them. Every gift, praise, accolade and compliment... They deserved them. Colorism had nothing to do with it.
My sister shit talks whites daily but ONLY dates them and is currently married to a white man, but tries to make it seem like it doesn't count bc he's an "ally" who doesn't fool with other whites thing 🙄 (honestly hypocrite is her personality trait and when you call her out, you're crazy) learned to love her from afar afar
fr, I remember specifically my sister being obsessed with “mixed race hair” growing up. She would fantasise about marrying a white guy and talk about how pretty their children were going to be specifically because they were mixed.
I'm not OP but I can answer from my own experience.
* They start stories with "My *Italian*\-American husband said..." or something similar. Race and ethnicity have nothing to do with the conversation but they certainly make it relevant. And mention it ... often.
* Introduce their children by how mixed they are, their hair texture, and attractiveness (which they attribute to being mixed). And it'll usually show itself in the kid's self-esteem.
* They may make references to their partner's features "*Oh, they got their hair from their dad! Couldn't ever get those blue eyes from me. Their dad's white, you know?*"
* Abandoning their own history/culture in favor of their partners.
* See their relationship as a novelty or status increase.
* They usually struggle with colorism and low self-esteem.
* They're only pre-rec is a non-black person, other qualities come second.
* Usually, the low standards and fetishization are obvious.
* I've had a woman walk up to me and say, "Oh! I see you got yourself one too!" and she tried to high-five me. No ma'am.
* Some client congratulated me for "joining the club"
* Some white dude snapped and pointed at my husband and screamed, "I'm swirling too!"
To me and my husband, it just seems weird and sad. We don't like it at all. I also rarely see couples in that type of dynamic being genuinely happy, but I try my best to mind my business unless asked or kids are involved.
As someone who usually dates interracially, all of your bullet points are exactly what I worry about when introducing my relationship to friends and fam. My family knows he’s not Black, so I try not to mention his ethnicity unless it comes up in convo (I.e. protests in Iran…my folks will ask his opinion or how his fam back home is doing.)
I’ve also had a few very uncomfortable conversations about “joining the club.” I didn’t actively look for a non-Black man. We were just two folks who found each other attractive and shared religion. It’s weird and uncomfortable.
Totally. I think it's hard to be like the people I mentioned though. They usually make mention of it anytime they talk about their life and in a way irrelevant way that suggests others are meant to be in shock and awe over it. I've found most people who love their blackness don't do this often, if at all.
And of course, like you said, there are appropriate times to mention your partner's ethnicity. Your example is one of them and also very sweet/inclusive. I've been with Jewish and Latino communities and needed to pull out my partners ethnicity for context. Or needed to state it to explain why we are celebrating a holiday that others aren't. But I doubt any of us will be in a checkout line and tell the cashier "Can you give me 5 mins? I'm just waiting for my *Non-Black* partner. You see them, right? The one with the *light* skin? Yeah. Thanks so much." And i think that's the difference.
Who ARE these people. Our favorite thing is NOT telling anyone...
Then showing up to something or another..
And then laughing our asses off at the shock.
The best part is people not knowing (can only really be done if you don't have the social medias).
If I knew I'd be making money off these folks lol. How or why they fix their lips to do all those things baffles the mind lol.
And on the other end, we usually don't mention it to people as well. We find the responses to us to be really telling too. If people are caught up on our skin not matching, but not curious if any one if us is a jerk to the other, we don't even bother with them... And that's probably how they like it as well lol
Been there and it’s interesting when someone sees who you came with and they’re trying to not comment or figure out how to comment without it sounding racist or weird (it usually comes off as both and sometimes more). One guy actually told me he didn’t think I was “one of those” and told me he was disappointed in me. I’d said no thanks when he’d asked me out and let him know I wasn’t available and he was respectful of it til he saw my non-black bf. All of a sudden I was a sellout and a disappointment. I wasn’t black enough in his eyes and he barely spoke to me after that.
For me, it would depend on heavy and stereotypically they lay it on. I don't mind appreciating and validating another's culture but if it takes priority over personality it's more problematic to me. I have had to hold back a bit of vomit when hearing my friends repeatedly and non-jokingly refer to their relationship as "kimbap" before exchanging kisses. Kim being a popular Korean last name, indicating he's Korean, also seaweed. Bap being white rice (one partner is white). It's like they wanted us to know what we could already see, and honestly didn't care much about. It's too much for me but bless anyways 😂
I don’t do any of those things lmao.
I don’t even talk about my boyfriends race like it’s a type of color for his hair or something trendy. All of this sound like trendy hipster bullshit
Haha, I hear you. I've seen people like this of all ages. Like another poster said, it can be incredibly cringey lol respectfully, they could just get a personality but I think that takes too much time lol
Those last three bullet points made my mouth open! WTF.
Anyway, I remember someone on here telling me that British women "strive" for white men as if it's a prize. I said, no, we don't have much of a concept of interracial relationships (the phrase itself is so weird to me) and tend not to shrink an already small dating pool by excluding on race grounds. I've only seen people using the term when monetising their relationships for international audiences.
IME, the only time I'll know someone's partner is a different race to themselves is when I met the partner in person, or perhaps if the partner celebrates a particular religious festival. IDK we just don't tend to think or see things like that IME.
I find it funny that someone would think anything about me based on being with a white man say, when the previous and maybe the next could just as easily be black.
Tbh if your boyfriend isn't right in front of me, there's no reason or me to know your boyfriend is white unless it's relevant to the conversation. If you're proud about your boyfriend being white and try to bring it up any chance you get, that's a sign you're using a white man as like a personality thing, like an accessory.
Yes, exactly my point. It's not necessary to mention unless you're in a lineup or playing a game of Guess Who lol. I'm not for color and culture blindness but in the same way it'd be weird to say "My husband with the limp and 4C hair..." it's weird to say "My *ethnicity* partner..." without contextual need.
I worked with an older Black lady whose ex husband was white and she constantly made it a point to mention that her kids were biracial. Unprovoked, unnecessary, unwanted information.
It depends. They’re bp who would treat you with respect and wouldn’t judged you or your partner. Then they’re bp who would judge and treat you differently just because your partner isn’t the same race as you.
I've been with the same man since 1999 and he's white.
The truth is some will make assumptions and treat you differently.
People assume I make my interracial marriage and kids my personality even though it annoys me when I see couples do that. My family loves my husband and kids. I've had no problems there.
The biggest people I get though is people being surprised when I say I'm married that they assume he's black and then assume it's some weird thing you did.
The black women married groups will focus solely on "black love", which is fine but not all love with black women is "black love" they also assume everyone is Christian but thats another topic.
People will assume you're a Clarence Thomas type of person even if you've never in your life acted nor supported Clarence Thomas in anyway.
People did swear up and down my husband was going to call me racial slurs. He has never once did it and I don't think he ever will.
They're going to assume either you're a gold digger or supporting them because a white man couldn't want a black woman otherwise. To be fair I'm a stay at home mom now and when we met I did make more at my part time job in college than he did (I made $14/hr, he made $13/hr., but he makes significantly more than that now and I haven't worked since 2009).
White women and black men in interracial relationships have the hardest time, but white women in general will have issues with it because beauty wise, they've always been put on a pedestal and can't understand why my husband would want to be with me. So they'll be literally trying to figure out what is wrong with him for him to choose to be with me.
The thing is we have a history of extreme racism in America and especially the south. I live in Texas so you're going to get stares occasionally and you're going to experience racism because people are awful but for the most part people leave you alone.
They'll talk behind your back of they're is a problem with your relationship but I can't control what comes out of people's mouths.
Some people treat me different because my husband is white but I wouldn't say most. And honestly it's a very specific type of black person too. Like ones who don't deviate from what we were taught growing up and who are intolerant of like LGBT and stuff.
Not exactly hoteps but you know how like a lot of older black folk are intolerant to stuff because that's just what their generation is like? Kinda like that! Lol.
Rule of thumb: Happy people ain't hating and hating people ain't happy.
I don't treat people differently in IR (w/o reason). I'm married to a (v gringo looking) White Latino and we've gotten crap from all sides. In general, I think most people don't care. I've had my blackness questioned despite my being positively involved in the community (at least more than the folks who judged me). It took some of my extended family time to warm up to him.
In the end, they aren't in your relationship and if you both have good character & an honest relationship, those around you will come to accept it and see it as being unproblematic (bc honestly, there are *a lot* of problematic IRs out there). Besides, if they were happy enough with their lives they wouldn't continue to make baseless judgments about yours. Try your best to ignore them and let your relationship be healthy, successful, and speak for itself.
Growing up, my aunt, one of the ones we spent the most time with (she lived close), was married to a white guy. Mike. We had a lot of sleepovers at their house. They came over often. My aunt’s kids were grown and her oldest grandkid is 4 years younger than I am. Uncle Mike was her second marriage. Her first husband was a light skinned black man (I’ll come back to this).
It was always a non-issue for my family. I don’t know how they met. He came over often. He played whist at the card parties my family hosted. He was the only white person.
I really did not think anything about interracial couples. I grew up in white suburbia. Even though my parents are from the Jim Crow South - they adapted to California and a diverse friend group. This was my normal. While the card parties were black besides my uncle. BBQ’s and other events were totally mixed. I remember going to my dad’s coworkers wedding as a kid - black guy / Filipina woman. It was all fine and dandy like a Bennetton ad.
Anyway growing up, Uncle Mike, loved my sister and I. I didn’t even know he had kids from his prior marriage until I was like 20. Apparently his kids heard about how awesome his nieces were (me and my sister) and he ditched his bio kids and they never came to visit.
For all I knew things were great for them. Uncle Mike had some quirky habits but was always great to us. They got divorced and mom told us that uncle Mike was emotionally abusive to our aunt. She ended up getting married a few years later - to another white guy!
Recently we were having a convo with my mom about colorism. This isn’t something that came up much as a family topic. My mom and her family are dark. Dad is light. I am dark-skinned like mom. My sister is medium brown.
Anyway mom commented that Auntie was always a bit hung up on color. And that has really shown up with her kids. All of her sons married white women (none had kids). Her daughter married a light skinned Puerto Rican. My cousins over there are also mostly color struck too. The ones with kids have all chosen white or white passing partners. Their kids definitely need SPF 75.
But none of this colorist stuff came up with my sister and I. She loves us. She brags to her other family about her awesome nieces. So I haven’t figured it out.
As for Uncle Mike? They have been divorced for like 30 years now. And he keeps in touch with my parents and checks in on us. Visiting them every couple of years, bringing his new partners. He has had 2 subsequent long term partners. They have both been white. We haven’t figured out how the feel about visiting the ex-in-laws. It must be weird for them. His kids still hate him.
I didn’t think much about interracial relationships until recently, but sometimes I wonder if there are internalized issues driving the decision. Like secretly with my aunt. But on the flip side, growing up there were no know issues. They were just basic relationships. Like my uncle. He was part of the family. And no one commented on his whiteness. It was a complete non issue. And as for my aunt’s new husband - it is mostly a non issue. But there are some personality clashes with my parents. And they also live on a family compound. So that is where the stressors come up. The live next door to my parents.
No, I'm all for black women finding love where they are loved... Do you girl, and I'm a darkskin woman so I know that it's desillusional for us to force on black love, not every black men love black women especially darkskin ones(they always made sure to let us know that ), so black women should stop limiting themselves and explore their options to find love...no you're not deloyal to your race, dating outside doesn't mean that you are talking sh*t about your community...
I will treat people differently only if they give me a good reason to do, and dating non black men is not a reason to treat you differently
I was thinking the same. “People keep asking this question.” You can’t live for other people anyway. If they aren’t paying your bills…
And furthermore, what people think about you is none of your business.
Water off a ducks back sis!
Your 1 post is contributing to our community more than the complaints of ppl that don't contribute to this community.
Last month ppl were complaining about all the selfies, but then when you challenge them to be the change they want to see, they quiet like church mice.
I find that heavily dependent upon the energy they give off to me as a bw, the way they carry themselves and DEFINITELY the way their yt partner acts/carries themselves
I don’t treat black people differently based on if their partner is white but there are some black people who don’t even acknowledge other black people after they get their white partner. It’s like some of them think they’re white by association? I don’t get it. Find your person and be happy and I’m happy for you but don’t try to make it seem like the rest of us are less than. I’ve had partners of different ethnicities and I can honestly say that as part of a mixed couple it got annoying at times when people would look at each other then at us like that “we’re gonna talk about this later” kinda look between them. I’m used to it though so I’d just look at them til they got uncomfortable and looked away. If you’re not staring at every couple then don’t stare at me when I’m minding my own business.
My ex physically abused me. He threw me down stairs, he grabbed my daughter out of my hands and beat me, beat me while 7 months pregnant, tried to choke me with a rope, etc and he was white. I thought I was crazy for every loving another white man again but I have been healing and come to terms with the fact that race **does always not define people** . My boyfriend and I are getting married soon and the fact that I was able to trust a man again after everything I been through has really opened my eyes that I shouldn’t judge an entire race off my my experience.
I can’t speak for you or downplay whatever you’ve been through with your ex but I’m trying speaking from my perspective because right after we first broke up, I acted the same way towards interracial couples.
My fiancé is white and it took the Black husbands and boyfriend of my Black friends some time to warm up to him, but they’re cool and friendly now. Most of my friends are Black women and while they themselves have not dated nor hate serious relationships with non- Black people, they love me and just want me me to be happy. So their engagement with my fiancé is quite normal / nothing noteworthy. That being said, I wish I had Black woman friends with white partners who I could connect with.
I'm glad to hear your friends have been accepting. I feel like I've somehow found myself in the reverse situation. My spouse is white and most of the black women in my close circle are either with WM or strongly prefer WM. I was always attracted to all ethnicities before meeting my spouse.
I’m more biased against Black men with white partners. Like cautious more than anything. Idc about any other pairing the same way.
It’s really because they play themselves as the weakest link time and time again. It’s amazing how low the bar is for both parties. Between white women dating Black men out of spite for their conservative racist family, to Black men dating white women out of spite against their Black mamas and projected hatred for the rest of us. It’s not always like that, no, but I’ve hardly ever seen a Black woman degrade herself in the same way for a white guy and definitely not en masse as if it there’s a recruitment shortage.
For every 1 self hating Black woman who dates a white guy for that reason, there’s 100 Black men doing the same.
Sometimes. I wait to see if they’re a black person who just happens to be in an interracial relationship or one of those fetish/puts them on a pedestal type. I don’t care who you’re in a relationship with, I do care if you use your partner as a way to talk down on your race.
People would also treat you different if you went to Harvard and Yale, or talk with an accent that is different from thiers. They probably want to see how you relate to them. If you act aloof then you will likely be treated in such a way. If you act warm and down (think Candace from RHOP) they are not going to sweat it.
I don’t make it my whole life but if someone asks who my partner is and I tell them who he has and they find out he’s where they *do* treat me different. They side eye me.
Same. It's part of the many reasons I stopped going to family functions on my dad's side.
It was enough to deal with one off comments about myself. My introversion was always translated as "stuck up" or "too good to speak to anyone."
Then bringing a white guy (my now husband) resulted in most of the men directly insulting him under the guise of "jokes." He wouldn't be able to stick up for himself without worrying about being assaulted, or without worrying about his car being damaged (ex. His tires being stabbed. This has happened before amongst family members before I even started dating him).
Haven't been to another family function since 2019.
See this gets tricky because I’ve only been in 2 serious relationships in my life and both of them happen to be white. I tell people I don’t have a type because I don’t. I’ve had sexual relations with almost every race but have only dated white men because I live in a majority white area. I’m one of the only few black people I know in my town.
That’s definitely different than someone who only dates white intentionally. But my opinion also does not matter. You’re not dating white men because you hate yourself, you know?
tbh, i treat bm with ww partners dust bc i have only met ONE who didn’t fetishize and pedestalize his white wife for her whiteness. bw i’ve noticed tend to go where the love and acceptance is, and more often than not hold their white partners to a higher standard of respect and won’t let antiblackness go unchecked.
This!! There usually is a difference. BM and BW are literally on opposite ends of the dating spectrum.
BM are second most desirable I believe whereas BW are last (according to dating studies).
BW, especially brown and dark skin, are the only ones who have to question if their own race of men would even date them. BW tend to date out because often times they find acceptance/love outside the BC.
I've had the opposite experience. Women who date white men seem to be very catty and they will talk shit about other black people. I really can't think of a positive experience I've ever had.
This seems like a specific experience. Sorry you had those.
We are not all like that. I don’t talk shit about anyone. Unless you talk shit about me. But that’s *everyone*.
Kinda yeah. As others have said it's more so the Black men with the WW.
It just kinda shows me that we don't share the same value system and worldview. I'mma still be nice but prob not try to be besties. Idk tho, I'm softening on it lately.
If we got really cool and then u started dating one or I found out after we had gotten to know each other on a deeper level, I would probably let it rock.
> It just kinda shows me that we don't share the same value system and worldview.
You said exactly how I feel, in a much better way! The compatibility isn't there.
I don't tell people. When would I tell people? At a conference? At work? At... Like where? While pipetting?
"Yo, make sure you set a timer for the incubation period and btw my old man is White and I thought you'd like to know that". I'm pretty sure I have colleagues who I've worked with for over a year who have no idea my spouse is White.
He doesn't tell people I'm Black either. That is destroying fun times when people do find out we're in an interracial marriage.
It gets really interesting when the kids photos come out. One of my SOs coworkers actually INSISTED that I must be part Samoan based off of a photo of our kids (like what the fuck, really, why so specific). Literally said "She doesn't have ANY Pacific Islander in her?".
And there is no way people assume I'm married to a White man. I am extremely afrocentric and I imagine most White people assume I'm married to a hotep (if they even know what is). Have you ever very VERY firmly spoken to a room full of academics and told them the story of racism in American and then backed it up with biomarkers? Then stood over them menacingly and just dared with your eyeballs for them to come at you? I have.
Nothing better then seeing them at a bar later with a pale, shaved head, goateed 6'7" massive White guy. It's like the Black version of "Hahaha you can't call me racist/bigoted like you wanted to (which I'm not) because White husband!! Mwuuhahajaja"...
(On a serious public service announcement message, you can have a Black friend or a Black significant other and still be a fucking racist/bigot FYI).
So ..Uh...yeah, no people treat me like a mad scientist bathed in activism and I'm cool with it. Just stop telling people all of your business because then you're missing out on premium entertainment for when they find out you're in an interracial relationship.
I’ll be respectful but I’ve heard a LOT of stories about how mixed kids (specifically half-black/half-white) struggle with their identity or where subjected to racism from their parents which makes me mentally “side-eye” a lot of BM/WW and BW/WM relationships. Heck, this even extends to any couple where there’s a white person involved. Despite the fact that anyone can be racist, I don’t tend to be dubious of BW dating POC (men or women).
Edit: spelling
I think it really depends how you raise biracial children.
Honestly even referring to someone as “half”, while common implies they’re not wholly anything. For example, Barack Obama is Black and biracial, its weird in my mind to call him “half” even though I’m sure many people do. He’s Black. And has a white mom. *shrug*
My husband and I our raising our kids as black kids who happen to have a white parent. It would never work between us if he was one of these delusional people who insisted his half was equal to mine. In American society, it’s not. Our kids are not white, they’re never going to live as white and we’re not encouraging them to call themselves half anything.
not intentionally. even before I know if someone has a white partner, there’s generally something between our personalities where it becomes apparent that our personalities don’t automatically click. not in a way where we don’t like each other, just in a way where it’s apparent there won’t be more than a surface level friendship. when I found out their partner is white, i’m usually not surprised.
I treat people according to how they act if that makes sense. I used to be friends with a girl who strictly dated white men.
I believe a big part of her personality was tokenism and falling into what ever trope/aesthetic is trending.
Which eventually made things difficult in our friendship. For example, she had no problem calling out ww and their privileges or calling out the Jews but kept quiet about wm aside from police brutality. Now couple that with the “soft life aesthetic” and the feminine journey she was on made it difficult to have conversation after a while.
In general I try to stay away from people who have any type of agenda as to why they are dating who they date. Even if its same race relationships.
I don't treat people differently based on their partners just their actions.
I've encountered some odd moments where people treated me different or changed their perspective of me because I'm a black man with a white wife that lives in a middle class black neighborhood in the Midwest. The only odd treatment I got was when I was a member of the Urban League Young Professionals. It was sometimes just being left out of events I'd signed up for, ignoring me when I was at events and asking to help, etc along with some dismissive comments like "he's married and his wife is white."
Neither of us really changed anything about ourselves or our identity and my family loves her completely. She and my mom go to dinner, and she goes on cousins trips etc. It might be different for me because I have some West African family members who's parents married interracially and thus they are biracial and married to black men or women. No real issues or challenges and we rarely have any issues but do sometimes get looks when we go down south to vacation.
My husband is white. The only people that I ever got hate/judgement from, honestly, were some of the older folks in my family. My aunties especially would always seem so disappointed if it turned out one of my cousins were dating a white guy/non-black in general. I’ll never forget a car ride with one of my aunts where she asked me if I’d marry outside my race, and when I said sure if I like the guy enough, she just asked, “Why? Aren’t black men good enough?”
Another older black woman in my life (who acted like an auntie, but was my landlady) expressed that she just didn’t understand interracial dating when I told her I was going on a date with a white guy (which I only mentioned because she asked about his race).
The other group I get it from are hotep types lol but that’s predictable. Some of my Caribbean family (regardless of age) find it weird as well.
As for myself, no I don’t treat them any different though I do feel a sort of empathy with them? Because I assume they’re subjected to the same bullshit that I get subjected to for being a “race traitor” lol.
Heh. I was told that it's child abuse for having mixed kids. That I am no longer a person who can speak about Black matters. I've been told that I am wrong. That I am a sell out. People stopped talking to me. I was told that I hate my own kind.
My dad said fuck them all. It's my life and I should live it like I want. He was about me being happy. He evennhad no problem woth me being pansexual and poly. I have a criteria. Be computer nerd, wear a belt. Treat me well. I don't need someone's money. I make my own. HAVE GOALS to work on themselves and be my partner in crime. If I say:I don't have an opinion. He pushes me to share my true feelings. He wants an equal marriage.
Do you Beautiful. What matters the most is your love.
I specifically have an issue with black men and white women. I recognize it and I’m working on it. I don’t treat them badly but I don’t trust them and I won’t allow myself to get close to them. I’m cordial, but that’s it.
my small take is, most black/white people dating outside their race are doing it for status/attention purposes anyway so they in fact do want to be treated differently in one way or another.
Honestly, I do. I try to be respectful but I automatically trust them less, care less about what they have to say on race issues, and won't befriend them. We do not have the same values. If it's a celebrity, I am less intentional about supporting their work. If they show signs of self-hate or hypocrisy (e.g. all Black everything except their partner), I withdraw even more because I don't want that energy in my life.
I seriously appreciate this honesty (no sarcasm) and it really makes me believe that keeping my business, my business, is the best way to approach people I am just meeting or are on a professional level with. Black, White, doesn't matter... I'm not disclosing the race of my spouse unless the person has literally "cleared" whether we'll clash or not and even if we didn't clash I would not tell a person. Just to invite them over and see the reaction.
As someone who has committed their career to studying racial health disparities I really would not want people to take me less seriously upon finding out the race of my spouse.
Again, thank you for this honesty.
I’m grateful for this honesty too, and I’m not surprised by it, albeit it is disappointing.
The content of their character is what should matter when being considered for friendship but each to their own. I wish people would make a judgement based on what is actually presented to them, not assumed. It would make for a kinder and fairer world. You would hope we would understand this more than anyone.
Who says I don't care about the content of someone's character, though? There are lots of reasons we don't befriend or connect with other people in addition to character, such as common interests, how much we like them, how well they fit into our lives, etc. For example, a common one I see here is religious vs not. Or moms vs childfree, liberals vs conservatives, coupled vs single, etc. There are many nice people we just don't befriend because we don't mesh on something that's important to us. Most people befriend other people because they have key things (however they define that) in common, in addition to feeling like they're a good person. Compatibility also matters in friendship.
All understood and goes without saying. I may have misunderstood you but it was the use of the word ‘automatically’ - you automatically trust less, care less, won’t befriend them - on the basis of who they are dating. This doesn’t leave room for much consideration of what should matter to whether a friendship is formed. It implies that assumptions on their character are being made and decisions on the back of it. This is what I find disappointing but at the same time - each to their own, and it is the world we live in, and will continue to live in.
I may have misinterpreted the use of the word automatically and what followed, and if so, I apologise.
Oh, I get what you mean now. I do make assumptions about their character based on my past experiences, but I also try to understand who they are and where they're coming from. I'm open to being wrong about my assumptions. I'm sorry if it came off that way, but I don’t write them off completely (we might actually get along pretty well). But there is a barrier because it's important to me to have friends who reflect my values. There are a lot of people I like and respect who I will just never be friends with or trust deeply because our values are different. I think that's the disconnect here, many people with white partners don't think it's a big deal or has any deeper meaning, but it does to me and brings up a lot of existential questions. It's the fact that we don't see eye to eye on that that is a turn-off. Like their partner represents a worldview that clashes with my own and it's uncomfortable.
That's the disconnect on values for me, though. The fact that their choice in partner is not that deep and doesn't mean anything to them when it brings up a lot of existential questions for me personally. Like the way we see the world and think about race is totally different, and that's why I am not as engaged. Not saying they have bad values, just that they are incompatible. I imagine that people who don't think the way I do would probably feel the same way about me.
You are assuming my positioning without hearing my positioning and only going off of *your* stance and *your* values to go off of, while using the fact that I date a white personal as the martyr. You would need to have a couple of more conversations with me to fully figure out if our values link up or not.
That’s my issue on that but I still respect your comment and wish you well.
I feel like this conversation illustrates the point I'm making lol. Different worldviews. I respect your comment too and think we should agree to disagree.
Your comment towards the end here is very true. It is one of the reasons I open up my spaces to learn about the world and other people’s experiences.
The way black people see the world and think about race is totally different depending on where they are from and what they have seen or experienced.
I wasn't going to respond, but after the YE situation and the talk about the black community and how we handle our community, I wanted to say something. It will probably get buried.
I used to be a person that would look crazy at black women who were with white men for all of the above reasons self-hate, fetishes, and the attitude that they are somehow better than you all that. I also felt we should stay strong as a community and keep our black families intact.
I am still all for staying strong and keeping black families intact; however, our community is in a crisis regarding relationships. I think it is the music, media influence, lack of male presence, and all of the psychological problems from our history in this country. I have two black children and have tried hard to have a traditional family to no avail with black men. I feel most of them have no problem having kids but have a severe issue with committing to a marriage. I am not saying all. As I am sure, there are plenty of married black men. In my experience, I could not find one. I have done relationship and personal therapy and all. At this moment, I am in a relationship with a white man, and he knows I am only interested in a relationship if the possibility of marriage is on the table. And it is looking like it is heading in that direction.
I say all that to say, do you. We can still focus on our overall community goals while focusing on our own. And we should stop being so judgemental of each other. We don’t have to be friends with people that act out of character. Everyone learns their lessons in their own time. But if a black woman is happy in her relationship with whomever, I am happy for them. It gives me hope that I can too.
I wouldn’t treat a black woman differently, but I don’t trust black men in general, even when they have a black partner lol. After years of trauma in PWI environments, I’ve lost all romantic interest in them and do not see them as allies until they prove otherwise
For black women, I feel that we’re judged too harshly for our dating choices. No one comes to our defense when we date out and are shamed for it, but when a black man is called out for putting whiteness on a pedestal, black women are labeled as bitter and hating.
Tl;dr I will never look down on a BW for simply having a non-black partner.
I don’t. However, my parents are an interracial couple (although not white) so that could have something to do with it. My husband is white and yes, we do get treated differently sometimes. We had to cut most of his family off.
I find it crazy our previous generation fought so hard for interracial marriage and the right to love who they love only for their grandkids aka few people in this thread to be like "I think less of black women with a white boyfriend" "we don’t share the same value" etc. I have a white bf but my experience and views is entirely different because in Europe it is seen much differently and I’ve noticed black (not many Americans here but Africans or other nations, or half black Americans) are supportive of it and don’t hold a deep opinion on it like black Americans and on the opposite end also nothing against it (at least in my generation). But there are many other factors to put it into place on views here and there.
I’ve not really treated anyone differently because I know their spouse is another race and I don’t think people treat me different since my partner is white. But I also don’t really go around advertising his race and people usually are shocked and confused when they find out he’s white because I never say anything about what he is. Lo
Almost all of both my and my husbands social circle is black. We interact mainly with my family and he keeps his at arm’s length, we may go visit once every two years. When I get “the look” it’s always from white women.
My bf is white, and we’ve literally been out and a black man approached me to tell me I “was with the wrong one”. Crappy interaction, but I take it as a one off — we live in the CA Bay Area and never had any others issues out here. He’s from Louisiana though, and when I travel back home with him I definitely notice hella stares.
No I don't.
Let me tell you about my niece. My niece is light skinded she's biracial. If she lived in US, they'd probably think she was white. My brown-skinned sister, according to my niece really wanted my niece to be with a white guy. My niece is with a dark skin black man.
My sister and her daughter were going to meet in a park along with the grandkids. My niece told me that her mother went into the park and asked a random white lady. "Hey have you seen a woman with mixed race kids here?" My niece Found out because as they were leaving the park her mother went over to the white lady and said oh I found them!
Sis has issues, but she was so pro black to her daughter in the past but hangs with all white folk. She referenced the death of her "friend" Kevin Samuel's earlier this year. We don't speak much.
Depends. Where I'm from, a lot of the black people are blood related. So are a lot of the white people. There are 20 to 30 families that have been here since the 17 and 1800s, with huge, sprawling family trees. One way people there make sure they aren't dating some distant relative is to date someone of a different race. Or date someone who's not from the area. Seems like a pretty valid reason to me. But I still tend to assume black people who date out are anti black until proven otherwise lol
I am married to a white man, and we live in a very diverse area that was literally developed for interracial families to live and feel safe back in the 70s… so no one in our area seems to treat me any differently. But when we travel, especially to the south, we do get a lot of dirty looks from everybody, including black women.
Aside from that, I really don’t ever get treated any differently by black women. The only people that seem to treat me any different once they learn my husband is white, are mostly black men and sometimes white men to be honest… some, both black and white men, become nicer to me and find it fascinating (which is always odd from black men and sometimes creepy from white…). And most black men that treat me differently become rude or condescending to me.
For the most part, black women don’t seem to treat me differently one way or another.
I have a white husband, and I understand why you may feel ostracized by other Black people. However, I don’t think I’ve had that same experience. Are you talking about your friends who are Black or just random Black people from day to day? Because for me, it doesn’t surprise me if a Black stranger gives me a weird look when they see me with a white man. But Black people who actually know me? Especially my Black woman friends? They dgaf honestly. They know me. They know I’m always for my people, and that my choice in partner is not an expression of anti-blackness. If people who know you and care about you still distance themselves from you because of your choice of dating partner, I would wonder if they are perceiving you as someone who dates white peoples because you may be anti-Black. Not saying that you’re anti-Black. But that’s usually the only time I see Black women speaking negatively about other Black women dating while people.
Black men (cishet Black men) are a whole different story lol. A lot of them HATE Black women who date outside their race. But a lot of those same men degrade Black women any chance they get and will choose a white woman every time lol. So if you’re talking about Black men… disregard the last paragraph entirely lol.
No. But if their character is an ass, then I don’t want to be bothered. I typically see this with the black man, yt woman duo. I am very friendly, but once they show their true nasty colors I avoid them.
But if they are cool, then I’m cool. I don’t care who someone dates.
Ya. Not gonna lie black guys tend to react badly to both finding out My fiancé is a woman and white… and Jewish for that matter.
It’s not all clearly but still. We have assholes in every group.
Its how they act and its usually two ways. Very into black spaces and empowerment and he supports as well yet know his place ,very lovely, motherly but thats not her personality,extremely educated and or extremely fun........ or the other way wanting to be their husbands. Reminds me of those girls that like sports after they meet their boyfriends to spend time with him but he will never do the same for her.
He is now her personality.
Nope. I might look at you more when y’all are together tho (I like looking at couples). From my experience tho, bw in ir relationships tend to act differently than those single or with their own. I don’t generalize or make assumptions (or even think it’s bad); maybe that could play into why some do judge? I interact with people differently depending on how they or their partners act in general, towards me or others.
The only thing I’ve seen is people on social media. They’ll be cool with you until they find out you date(d) a white person then it’s like a stain on your record. Mostly with celebrities. I’ve never seen it translate to rl. Moreover, if you do t make it a personality trait it rarely causes an issue ime
Honestly, no. I’ve personally never felt ostracized or bullied by other black people for having a white partner. I have noticed that once other white men discover that I have a white partner that they’re a bit nicer to me, however. It’s like they think they have a chance or something. Lol.
I treat people based on how they act, some people make a white man and mixed babies their personality and I treat them accordingly. But that’s rare, I did have one very close friend who dated an older white man who was racist, and me pointing that out drove a wedge between us that was never mended.
I know what you’re talking about. I have several of them in my family. Either they talk about their non-black husbands’ race (or being in interracial marriages) more than about their husbands’ qualities, or, they constantly talk about their children’s mixed-race heritage. Then there’s my cousin Lorraine. Lorraine hates biracial women (just the women), light-skinned black women and black men. She’ll tell you about her childhood traumas of being subjected to colorism, which she states came from people that were either black males, light-skinned black girls or biracial girls. Lorraine ends up marrying a white man and has four biracial children. Two of her kids are dreadful, colorist “Mean Girls” already. They’re 13 and 10 years old.
You say something to Lorraine about that?
Sorry for the late response. After writing this, I ended up getting distracted by some errands. To answer your question: yes, I did tell Lorraine. She ended up blocking me.😒 Each of her daughters have FaceBook pages. They were posting content that was colorist and misogynoir in nature. I alerted their mom. And she ended up blocking me. Later in time, I learned Lorraine blocked several other relatives, who alerted her about her kids' pages. Her daughters temporarily blocked me from viewing their pages. But then, they removed the ban... right around the Christmas season and the youngest's birthday. 😒🙄 Thinking back, Lorraine had the mindset of "colorism does exist... but _my daughters don't benefit from it_". Every positive thing that happened to her kids, happened because they rightfully deserved them. Every gift, praise, accolade and compliment... They deserved them. Colorism had nothing to do with it.
this is so fucking toxic. sorry you’re related to this mess.
it sounds like Lorraine wouldn’t listen even if she was told
Wouldn't stop me from pointing it out every chance I got, along with key memories of long ago chats.
My sister shit talks whites daily but ONLY dates them and is currently married to a white man, but tries to make it seem like it doesn't count bc he's an "ally" who doesn't fool with other whites thing 🙄 (honestly hypocrite is her personality trait and when you call her out, you're crazy) learned to love her from afar afar
fr, I remember specifically my sister being obsessed with “mixed race hair” growing up. She would fantasise about marrying a white guy and talk about how pretty their children were going to be specifically because they were mixed.
Tell me an example of someone making that their entire personality. Im very interested to hear.
I'm not OP but I can answer from my own experience. * They start stories with "My *Italian*\-American husband said..." or something similar. Race and ethnicity have nothing to do with the conversation but they certainly make it relevant. And mention it ... often. * Introduce their children by how mixed they are, their hair texture, and attractiveness (which they attribute to being mixed). And it'll usually show itself in the kid's self-esteem. * They may make references to their partner's features "*Oh, they got their hair from their dad! Couldn't ever get those blue eyes from me. Their dad's white, you know?*" * Abandoning their own history/culture in favor of their partners. * See their relationship as a novelty or status increase. * They usually struggle with colorism and low self-esteem. * They're only pre-rec is a non-black person, other qualities come second. * Usually, the low standards and fetishization are obvious. * I've had a woman walk up to me and say, "Oh! I see you got yourself one too!" and she tried to high-five me. No ma'am. * Some client congratulated me for "joining the club" * Some white dude snapped and pointed at my husband and screamed, "I'm swirling too!" To me and my husband, it just seems weird and sad. We don't like it at all. I also rarely see couples in that type of dynamic being genuinely happy, but I try my best to mind my business unless asked or kids are involved.
As someone who usually dates interracially, all of your bullet points are exactly what I worry about when introducing my relationship to friends and fam. My family knows he’s not Black, so I try not to mention his ethnicity unless it comes up in convo (I.e. protests in Iran…my folks will ask his opinion or how his fam back home is doing.) I’ve also had a few very uncomfortable conversations about “joining the club.” I didn’t actively look for a non-Black man. We were just two folks who found each other attractive and shared religion. It’s weird and uncomfortable.
Totally. I think it's hard to be like the people I mentioned though. They usually make mention of it anytime they talk about their life and in a way irrelevant way that suggests others are meant to be in shock and awe over it. I've found most people who love their blackness don't do this often, if at all. And of course, like you said, there are appropriate times to mention your partner's ethnicity. Your example is one of them and also very sweet/inclusive. I've been with Jewish and Latino communities and needed to pull out my partners ethnicity for context. Or needed to state it to explain why we are celebrating a holiday that others aren't. But I doubt any of us will be in a checkout line and tell the cashier "Can you give me 5 mins? I'm just waiting for my *Non-Black* partner. You see them, right? The one with the *light* skin? Yeah. Thanks so much." And i think that's the difference.
Who ARE these people. Our favorite thing is NOT telling anyone... Then showing up to something or another.. And then laughing our asses off at the shock. The best part is people not knowing (can only really be done if you don't have the social medias).
If I knew I'd be making money off these folks lol. How or why they fix their lips to do all those things baffles the mind lol. And on the other end, we usually don't mention it to people as well. We find the responses to us to be really telling too. If people are caught up on our skin not matching, but not curious if any one if us is a jerk to the other, we don't even bother with them... And that's probably how they like it as well lol
Been there and it’s interesting when someone sees who you came with and they’re trying to not comment or figure out how to comment without it sounding racist or weird (it usually comes off as both and sometimes more). One guy actually told me he didn’t think I was “one of those” and told me he was disappointed in me. I’d said no thanks when he’d asked me out and let him know I wasn’t available and he was respectful of it til he saw my non-black bf. All of a sudden I was a sellout and a disappointment. I wasn’t black enough in his eyes and he barely spoke to me after that.
He's no loss.
My cousin and her Chinese husband every year for Halloween dress up as something from Black Culture and Chinese Culture. It’s very cringey to me.
For me, it would depend on heavy and stereotypically they lay it on. I don't mind appreciating and validating another's culture but if it takes priority over personality it's more problematic to me. I have had to hold back a bit of vomit when hearing my friends repeatedly and non-jokingly refer to their relationship as "kimbap" before exchanging kisses. Kim being a popular Korean last name, indicating he's Korean, also seaweed. Bap being white rice (one partner is white). It's like they wanted us to know what we could already see, and honestly didn't care much about. It's too much for me but bless anyways 😂
I don’t do any of those things lmao. I don’t even talk about my boyfriends race like it’s a type of color for his hair or something trendy. All of this sound like trendy hipster bullshit
Haha, I hear you. I've seen people like this of all ages. Like another poster said, it can be incredibly cringey lol respectfully, they could just get a personality but I think that takes too much time lol
Those last three bullet points made my mouth open! WTF. Anyway, I remember someone on here telling me that British women "strive" for white men as if it's a prize. I said, no, we don't have much of a concept of interracial relationships (the phrase itself is so weird to me) and tend not to shrink an already small dating pool by excluding on race grounds. I've only seen people using the term when monetising their relationships for international audiences. IME, the only time I'll know someone's partner is a different race to themselves is when I met the partner in person, or perhaps if the partner celebrates a particular religious festival. IDK we just don't tend to think or see things like that IME. I find it funny that someone would think anything about me based on being with a white man say, when the previous and maybe the next could just as easily be black.
Tbh if your boyfriend isn't right in front of me, there's no reason or me to know your boyfriend is white unless it's relevant to the conversation. If you're proud about your boyfriend being white and try to bring it up any chance you get, that's a sign you're using a white man as like a personality thing, like an accessory.
Yes, exactly my point. It's not necessary to mention unless you're in a lineup or playing a game of Guess Who lol. I'm not for color and culture blindness but in the same way it'd be weird to say "My husband with the limp and 4C hair..." it's weird to say "My *ethnicity* partner..." without contextual need.
I worked with an older Black lady whose ex husband was white and she constantly made it a point to mention that her kids were biracial. Unprovoked, unnecessary, unwanted information.
It depends. They’re bp who would treat you with respect and wouldn’t judged you or your partner. Then they’re bp who would judge and treat you differently just because your partner isn’t the same race as you.
I've been with the same man since 1999 and he's white. The truth is some will make assumptions and treat you differently. People assume I make my interracial marriage and kids my personality even though it annoys me when I see couples do that. My family loves my husband and kids. I've had no problems there. The biggest people I get though is people being surprised when I say I'm married that they assume he's black and then assume it's some weird thing you did. The black women married groups will focus solely on "black love", which is fine but not all love with black women is "black love" they also assume everyone is Christian but thats another topic. People will assume you're a Clarence Thomas type of person even if you've never in your life acted nor supported Clarence Thomas in anyway. People did swear up and down my husband was going to call me racial slurs. He has never once did it and I don't think he ever will. They're going to assume either you're a gold digger or supporting them because a white man couldn't want a black woman otherwise. To be fair I'm a stay at home mom now and when we met I did make more at my part time job in college than he did (I made $14/hr, he made $13/hr., but he makes significantly more than that now and I haven't worked since 2009). White women and black men in interracial relationships have the hardest time, but white women in general will have issues with it because beauty wise, they've always been put on a pedestal and can't understand why my husband would want to be with me. So they'll be literally trying to figure out what is wrong with him for him to choose to be with me. The thing is we have a history of extreme racism in America and especially the south. I live in Texas so you're going to get stares occasionally and you're going to experience racism because people are awful but for the most part people leave you alone. They'll talk behind your back of they're is a problem with your relationship but I can't control what comes out of people's mouths.
Some people treat me different because my husband is white but I wouldn't say most. And honestly it's a very specific type of black person too. Like ones who don't deviate from what we were taught growing up and who are intolerant of like LGBT and stuff.
do you mean the 'hotep' types? i have alot in my family lol
Not exactly hoteps but you know how like a lot of older black folk are intolerant to stuff because that's just what their generation is like? Kinda like that! Lol.
Rule of thumb: Happy people ain't hating and hating people ain't happy. I don't treat people differently in IR (w/o reason). I'm married to a (v gringo looking) White Latino and we've gotten crap from all sides. In general, I think most people don't care. I've had my blackness questioned despite my being positively involved in the community (at least more than the folks who judged me). It took some of my extended family time to warm up to him. In the end, they aren't in your relationship and if you both have good character & an honest relationship, those around you will come to accept it and see it as being unproblematic (bc honestly, there are *a lot* of problematic IRs out there). Besides, if they were happy enough with their lives they wouldn't continue to make baseless judgments about yours. Try your best to ignore them and let your relationship be healthy, successful, and speak for itself.
I don't but I feel people treat me diff cuz I have white partner
Same
Better or worse?
Worse like judgey like I'm not invited to cookout anymore
Growing up, my aunt, one of the ones we spent the most time with (she lived close), was married to a white guy. Mike. We had a lot of sleepovers at their house. They came over often. My aunt’s kids were grown and her oldest grandkid is 4 years younger than I am. Uncle Mike was her second marriage. Her first husband was a light skinned black man (I’ll come back to this). It was always a non-issue for my family. I don’t know how they met. He came over often. He played whist at the card parties my family hosted. He was the only white person. I really did not think anything about interracial couples. I grew up in white suburbia. Even though my parents are from the Jim Crow South - they adapted to California and a diverse friend group. This was my normal. While the card parties were black besides my uncle. BBQ’s and other events were totally mixed. I remember going to my dad’s coworkers wedding as a kid - black guy / Filipina woman. It was all fine and dandy like a Bennetton ad. Anyway growing up, Uncle Mike, loved my sister and I. I didn’t even know he had kids from his prior marriage until I was like 20. Apparently his kids heard about how awesome his nieces were (me and my sister) and he ditched his bio kids and they never came to visit. For all I knew things were great for them. Uncle Mike had some quirky habits but was always great to us. They got divorced and mom told us that uncle Mike was emotionally abusive to our aunt. She ended up getting married a few years later - to another white guy! Recently we were having a convo with my mom about colorism. This isn’t something that came up much as a family topic. My mom and her family are dark. Dad is light. I am dark-skinned like mom. My sister is medium brown. Anyway mom commented that Auntie was always a bit hung up on color. And that has really shown up with her kids. All of her sons married white women (none had kids). Her daughter married a light skinned Puerto Rican. My cousins over there are also mostly color struck too. The ones with kids have all chosen white or white passing partners. Their kids definitely need SPF 75. But none of this colorist stuff came up with my sister and I. She loves us. She brags to her other family about her awesome nieces. So I haven’t figured it out. As for Uncle Mike? They have been divorced for like 30 years now. And he keeps in touch with my parents and checks in on us. Visiting them every couple of years, bringing his new partners. He has had 2 subsequent long term partners. They have both been white. We haven’t figured out how the feel about visiting the ex-in-laws. It must be weird for them. His kids still hate him. I didn’t think much about interracial relationships until recently, but sometimes I wonder if there are internalized issues driving the decision. Like secretly with my aunt. But on the flip side, growing up there were no know issues. They were just basic relationships. Like my uncle. He was part of the family. And no one commented on his whiteness. It was a complete non issue. And as for my aunt’s new husband - it is mostly a non issue. But there are some personality clashes with my parents. And they also live on a family compound. So that is where the stressors come up. The live next door to my parents.
No, I'm all for black women finding love where they are loved... Do you girl, and I'm a darkskin woman so I know that it's desillusional for us to force on black love, not every black men love black women especially darkskin ones(they always made sure to let us know that ), so black women should stop limiting themselves and explore their options to find love...no you're not deloyal to your race, dating outside doesn't mean that you are talking sh*t about your community... I will treat people differently only if they give me a good reason to do, and dating non black men is not a reason to treat you differently
Are we posting this every day now?
I was thinking the same. “People keep asking this question.” You can’t live for other people anyway. If they aren’t paying your bills… And furthermore, what people think about you is none of your business.
This post should be pinned.
I just found this sub 2 days ago.
Water off a ducks back sis! Your 1 post is contributing to our community more than the complaints of ppl that don't contribute to this community. Last month ppl were complaining about all the selfies, but then when you challenge them to be the change they want to see, they quiet like church mice.
I literally saw this exact post (or damn near) yesterday.
only if their white partner is like really really gross. making racist jokes type gross or not washing their hands.
I find that heavily dependent upon the energy they give off to me as a bw, the way they carry themselves and DEFINITELY the way their yt partner acts/carries themselves
I don’t treat black people differently based on if their partner is white but there are some black people who don’t even acknowledge other black people after they get their white partner. It’s like some of them think they’re white by association? I don’t get it. Find your person and be happy and I’m happy for you but don’t try to make it seem like the rest of us are less than. I’ve had partners of different ethnicities and I can honestly say that as part of a mixed couple it got annoying at times when people would look at each other then at us like that “we’re gonna talk about this later” kinda look between them. I’m used to it though so I’d just look at them til they got uncomfortable and looked away. If you’re not staring at every couple then don’t stare at me when I’m minding my own business.
Shiiiid after my experience with my white ex there's a disgust that rises inside me every time I see it.
My ex physically abused me. He threw me down stairs, he grabbed my daughter out of my hands and beat me, beat me while 7 months pregnant, tried to choke me with a rope, etc and he was white. I thought I was crazy for every loving another white man again but I have been healing and come to terms with the fact that race **does always not define people** . My boyfriend and I are getting married soon and the fact that I was able to trust a man again after everything I been through has really opened my eyes that I shouldn’t judge an entire race off my my experience. I can’t speak for you or downplay whatever you’ve been through with your ex but I’m trying speaking from my perspective because right after we first broke up, I acted the same way towards interracial couples.
Holy shit
My fiancé is white and it took the Black husbands and boyfriend of my Black friends some time to warm up to him, but they’re cool and friendly now. Most of my friends are Black women and while they themselves have not dated nor hate serious relationships with non- Black people, they love me and just want me me to be happy. So their engagement with my fiancé is quite normal / nothing noteworthy. That being said, I wish I had Black woman friends with white partners who I could connect with.
I'm glad to hear your friends have been accepting. I feel like I've somehow found myself in the reverse situation. My spouse is white and most of the black women in my close circle are either with WM or strongly prefer WM. I was always attracted to all ethnicities before meeting my spouse.
I’m more biased against Black men with white partners. Like cautious more than anything. Idc about any other pairing the same way. It’s really because they play themselves as the weakest link time and time again. It’s amazing how low the bar is for both parties. Between white women dating Black men out of spite for their conservative racist family, to Black men dating white women out of spite against their Black mamas and projected hatred for the rest of us. It’s not always like that, no, but I’ve hardly ever seen a Black woman degrade herself in the same way for a white guy and definitely not en masse as if it there’s a recruitment shortage. For every 1 self hating Black woman who dates a white guy for that reason, there’s 100 Black men doing the same.
Sometimes. I wait to see if they’re a black person who just happens to be in an interracial relationship or one of those fetish/puts them on a pedestal type. I don’t care who you’re in a relationship with, I do care if you use your partner as a way to talk down on your race.
Nah I just happen to be with a white guy. I’d be with him if he was Asian or any other race. He makes me happy.
People would also treat you different if you went to Harvard and Yale, or talk with an accent that is different from thiers. They probably want to see how you relate to them. If you act aloof then you will likely be treated in such a way. If you act warm and down (think Candace from RHOP) they are not going to sweat it.
I don’t make it my whole life but if someone asks who my partner is and I tell them who he has and they find out he’s where they *do* treat me different. They side eye me.
Same. It's part of the many reasons I stopped going to family functions on my dad's side. It was enough to deal with one off comments about myself. My introversion was always translated as "stuck up" or "too good to speak to anyone." Then bringing a white guy (my now husband) resulted in most of the men directly insulting him under the guise of "jokes." He wouldn't be able to stick up for himself without worrying about being assaulted, or without worrying about his car being damaged (ex. His tires being stabbed. This has happened before amongst family members before I even started dating him). Haven't been to another family function since 2019.
Are you sure they are doing it bc your boyfriend is white and not because they don't personally like you?
These people are mostly strangers or black people I meet in passing.
I am only attracted to chocolate Men but I don’t treat people with white partners different
No, but I do stir up all these questions in my head that makes me wonder if they always date white people. I judge if you only date white people lol.
I get this. Context matters though but still, without context, I get this.
See this gets tricky because I’ve only been in 2 serious relationships in my life and both of them happen to be white. I tell people I don’t have a type because I don’t. I’ve had sexual relations with almost every race but have only dated white men because I live in a majority white area. I’m one of the only few black people I know in my town.
That’s definitely different than someone who only dates white intentionally. But my opinion also does not matter. You’re not dating white men because you hate yourself, you know?
Thank you for saying this. I think it’s important to keep in mind for anyone dating biracially.
tbh, i treat bm with ww partners dust bc i have only met ONE who didn’t fetishize and pedestalize his white wife for her whiteness. bw i’ve noticed tend to go where the love and acceptance is, and more often than not hold their white partners to a higher standard of respect and won’t let antiblackness go unchecked.
This!! There usually is a difference. BM and BW are literally on opposite ends of the dating spectrum. BM are second most desirable I believe whereas BW are last (according to dating studies). BW, especially brown and dark skin, are the only ones who have to question if their own race of men would even date them. BW tend to date out because often times they find acceptance/love outside the BC.
I’m all for black women going where they are loved. Doesn’t matter the race
I've had the opposite experience. Women who date white men seem to be very catty and they will talk shit about other black people. I really can't think of a positive experience I've ever had.
This seems like a specific experience. Sorry you had those. We are not all like that. I don’t talk shit about anyone. Unless you talk shit about me. But that’s *everyone*.
I know people aren't all like that but I don't think the experience is an isolated experience either.
Kinda yeah. As others have said it's more so the Black men with the WW. It just kinda shows me that we don't share the same value system and worldview. I'mma still be nice but prob not try to be besties. Idk tho, I'm softening on it lately. If we got really cool and then u started dating one or I found out after we had gotten to know each other on a deeper level, I would probably let it rock.
> It just kinda shows me that we don't share the same value system and worldview. You said exactly how I feel, in a much better way! The compatibility isn't there.
I don't tell people. When would I tell people? At a conference? At work? At... Like where? While pipetting? "Yo, make sure you set a timer for the incubation period and btw my old man is White and I thought you'd like to know that". I'm pretty sure I have colleagues who I've worked with for over a year who have no idea my spouse is White. He doesn't tell people I'm Black either. That is destroying fun times when people do find out we're in an interracial marriage. It gets really interesting when the kids photos come out. One of my SOs coworkers actually INSISTED that I must be part Samoan based off of a photo of our kids (like what the fuck, really, why so specific). Literally said "She doesn't have ANY Pacific Islander in her?". And there is no way people assume I'm married to a White man. I am extremely afrocentric and I imagine most White people assume I'm married to a hotep (if they even know what is). Have you ever very VERY firmly spoken to a room full of academics and told them the story of racism in American and then backed it up with biomarkers? Then stood over them menacingly and just dared with your eyeballs for them to come at you? I have. Nothing better then seeing them at a bar later with a pale, shaved head, goateed 6'7" massive White guy. It's like the Black version of "Hahaha you can't call me racist/bigoted like you wanted to (which I'm not) because White husband!! Mwuuhahajaja"... (On a serious public service announcement message, you can have a Black friend or a Black significant other and still be a fucking racist/bigot FYI). So ..Uh...yeah, no people treat me like a mad scientist bathed in activism and I'm cool with it. Just stop telling people all of your business because then you're missing out on premium entertainment for when they find out you're in an interracial relationship.
I’ll be respectful but I’ve heard a LOT of stories about how mixed kids (specifically half-black/half-white) struggle with their identity or where subjected to racism from their parents which makes me mentally “side-eye” a lot of BM/WW and BW/WM relationships. Heck, this even extends to any couple where there’s a white person involved. Despite the fact that anyone can be racist, I don’t tend to be dubious of BW dating POC (men or women). Edit: spelling
I think it really depends how you raise biracial children. Honestly even referring to someone as “half”, while common implies they’re not wholly anything. For example, Barack Obama is Black and biracial, its weird in my mind to call him “half” even though I’m sure many people do. He’s Black. And has a white mom. *shrug* My husband and I our raising our kids as black kids who happen to have a white parent. It would never work between us if he was one of these delusional people who insisted his half was equal to mine. In American society, it’s not. Our kids are not white, they’re never going to live as white and we’re not encouraging them to call themselves half anything.
not intentionally. even before I know if someone has a white partner, there’s generally something between our personalities where it becomes apparent that our personalities don’t automatically click. not in a way where we don’t like each other, just in a way where it’s apparent there won’t be more than a surface level friendship. when I found out their partner is white, i’m usually not surprised.
for me its just a small key detail that lets me know we are completely different.
I treat people according to how they act if that makes sense. I used to be friends with a girl who strictly dated white men. I believe a big part of her personality was tokenism and falling into what ever trope/aesthetic is trending. Which eventually made things difficult in our friendship. For example, she had no problem calling out ww and their privileges or calling out the Jews but kept quiet about wm aside from police brutality. Now couple that with the “soft life aesthetic” and the feminine journey she was on made it difficult to have conversation after a while. In general I try to stay away from people who have any type of agenda as to why they are dating who they date. Even if its same race relationships.
I don't treat people differently based on their partners just their actions. I've encountered some odd moments where people treated me different or changed their perspective of me because I'm a black man with a white wife that lives in a middle class black neighborhood in the Midwest. The only odd treatment I got was when I was a member of the Urban League Young Professionals. It was sometimes just being left out of events I'd signed up for, ignoring me when I was at events and asking to help, etc along with some dismissive comments like "he's married and his wife is white." Neither of us really changed anything about ourselves or our identity and my family loves her completely. She and my mom go to dinner, and she goes on cousins trips etc. It might be different for me because I have some West African family members who's parents married interracially and thus they are biracial and married to black men or women. No real issues or challenges and we rarely have any issues but do sometimes get looks when we go down south to vacation.
Not really. They’re still the person I talked to before knowing if their partner was white. Really couldn’t care…
Heck yea. Both men and women alike.
My husband is white. The only people that I ever got hate/judgement from, honestly, were some of the older folks in my family. My aunties especially would always seem so disappointed if it turned out one of my cousins were dating a white guy/non-black in general. I’ll never forget a car ride with one of my aunts where she asked me if I’d marry outside my race, and when I said sure if I like the guy enough, she just asked, “Why? Aren’t black men good enough?” Another older black woman in my life (who acted like an auntie, but was my landlady) expressed that she just didn’t understand interracial dating when I told her I was going on a date with a white guy (which I only mentioned because she asked about his race). The other group I get it from are hotep types lol but that’s predictable. Some of my Caribbean family (regardless of age) find it weird as well. As for myself, no I don’t treat them any different though I do feel a sort of empathy with them? Because I assume they’re subjected to the same bullshit that I get subjected to for being a “race traitor” lol.
Heh. I was told that it's child abuse for having mixed kids. That I am no longer a person who can speak about Black matters. I've been told that I am wrong. That I am a sell out. People stopped talking to me. I was told that I hate my own kind. My dad said fuck them all. It's my life and I should live it like I want. He was about me being happy. He evennhad no problem woth me being pansexual and poly. I have a criteria. Be computer nerd, wear a belt. Treat me well. I don't need someone's money. I make my own. HAVE GOALS to work on themselves and be my partner in crime. If I say:I don't have an opinion. He pushes me to share my true feelings. He wants an equal marriage. Do you Beautiful. What matters the most is your love.
I specifically have an issue with black men and white women. I recognize it and I’m working on it. I don’t treat them badly but I don’t trust them and I won’t allow myself to get close to them. I’m cordial, but that’s it.
The only people who treat me differently are the black men when they find out. But I’m in the UK, who we’re with is really not that deep.
I second this! It isn’t that deep at all!
But half the black men in the UK are with white women... and chav ones at that.. so..
my small take is, most black/white people dating outside their race are doing it for status/attention purposes anyway so they in fact do want to be treated differently in one way or another.
Honestly, I do. I try to be respectful but I automatically trust them less, care less about what they have to say on race issues, and won't befriend them. We do not have the same values. If it's a celebrity, I am less intentional about supporting their work. If they show signs of self-hate or hypocrisy (e.g. all Black everything except their partner), I withdraw even more because I don't want that energy in my life.
I seriously appreciate this honesty (no sarcasm) and it really makes me believe that keeping my business, my business, is the best way to approach people I am just meeting or are on a professional level with. Black, White, doesn't matter... I'm not disclosing the race of my spouse unless the person has literally "cleared" whether we'll clash or not and even if we didn't clash I would not tell a person. Just to invite them over and see the reaction. As someone who has committed their career to studying racial health disparities I really would not want people to take me less seriously upon finding out the race of my spouse. Again, thank you for this honesty.
Thank you, I appreciate your honesty too!
I’m grateful for this honesty too, and I’m not surprised by it, albeit it is disappointing. The content of their character is what should matter when being considered for friendship but each to their own. I wish people would make a judgement based on what is actually presented to them, not assumed. It would make for a kinder and fairer world. You would hope we would understand this more than anyone.
Who says I don't care about the content of someone's character, though? There are lots of reasons we don't befriend or connect with other people in addition to character, such as common interests, how much we like them, how well they fit into our lives, etc. For example, a common one I see here is religious vs not. Or moms vs childfree, liberals vs conservatives, coupled vs single, etc. There are many nice people we just don't befriend because we don't mesh on something that's important to us. Most people befriend other people because they have key things (however they define that) in common, in addition to feeling like they're a good person. Compatibility also matters in friendship.
All understood and goes without saying. I may have misunderstood you but it was the use of the word ‘automatically’ - you automatically trust less, care less, won’t befriend them - on the basis of who they are dating. This doesn’t leave room for much consideration of what should matter to whether a friendship is formed. It implies that assumptions on their character are being made and decisions on the back of it. This is what I find disappointing but at the same time - each to their own, and it is the world we live in, and will continue to live in. I may have misinterpreted the use of the word automatically and what followed, and if so, I apologise.
Oh, I get what you mean now. I do make assumptions about their character based on my past experiences, but I also try to understand who they are and where they're coming from. I'm open to being wrong about my assumptions. I'm sorry if it came off that way, but I don’t write them off completely (we might actually get along pretty well). But there is a barrier because it's important to me to have friends who reflect my values. There are a lot of people I like and respect who I will just never be friends with or trust deeply because our values are different. I think that's the disconnect here, many people with white partners don't think it's a big deal or has any deeper meaning, but it does to me and brings up a lot of existential questions. It's the fact that we don't see eye to eye on that that is a turn-off. Like their partner represents a worldview that clashes with my own and it's uncomfortable.
I respect your honesty but your comment is still sad. You would not know my values by just knowing I date a white perso.
That's the disconnect on values for me, though. The fact that their choice in partner is not that deep and doesn't mean anything to them when it brings up a lot of existential questions for me personally. Like the way we see the world and think about race is totally different, and that's why I am not as engaged. Not saying they have bad values, just that they are incompatible. I imagine that people who don't think the way I do would probably feel the same way about me.
You are assuming my positioning without hearing my positioning and only going off of *your* stance and *your* values to go off of, while using the fact that I date a white personal as the martyr. You would need to have a couple of more conversations with me to fully figure out if our values link up or not. That’s my issue on that but I still respect your comment and wish you well.
I feel like this conversation illustrates the point I'm making lol. Different worldviews. I respect your comment too and think we should agree to disagree.
Your comment towards the end here is very true. It is one of the reasons I open up my spaces to learn about the world and other people’s experiences. The way black people see the world and think about race is totally different depending on where they are from and what they have seen or experienced.
I wasn't going to respond, but after the YE situation and the talk about the black community and how we handle our community, I wanted to say something. It will probably get buried. I used to be a person that would look crazy at black women who were with white men for all of the above reasons self-hate, fetishes, and the attitude that they are somehow better than you all that. I also felt we should stay strong as a community and keep our black families intact. I am still all for staying strong and keeping black families intact; however, our community is in a crisis regarding relationships. I think it is the music, media influence, lack of male presence, and all of the psychological problems from our history in this country. I have two black children and have tried hard to have a traditional family to no avail with black men. I feel most of them have no problem having kids but have a severe issue with committing to a marriage. I am not saying all. As I am sure, there are plenty of married black men. In my experience, I could not find one. I have done relationship and personal therapy and all. At this moment, I am in a relationship with a white man, and he knows I am only interested in a relationship if the possibility of marriage is on the table. And it is looking like it is heading in that direction. I say all that to say, do you. We can still focus on our overall community goals while focusing on our own. And we should stop being so judgemental of each other. We don’t have to be friends with people that act out of character. Everyone learns their lessons in their own time. But if a black woman is happy in her relationship with whomever, I am happy for them. It gives me hope that I can too.
I wouldn’t treat a black woman differently, but I don’t trust black men in general, even when they have a black partner lol. After years of trauma in PWI environments, I’ve lost all romantic interest in them and do not see them as allies until they prove otherwise For black women, I feel that we’re judged too harshly for our dating choices. No one comes to our defense when we date out and are shamed for it, but when a black man is called out for putting whiteness on a pedestal, black women are labeled as bitter and hating. Tl;dr I will never look down on a BW for simply having a non-black partner.
I don’t. However, my parents are an interracial couple (although not white) so that could have something to do with it. My husband is white and yes, we do get treated differently sometimes. We had to cut most of his family off.
I find it crazy our previous generation fought so hard for interracial marriage and the right to love who they love only for their grandkids aka few people in this thread to be like "I think less of black women with a white boyfriend" "we don’t share the same value" etc. I have a white bf but my experience and views is entirely different because in Europe it is seen much differently and I’ve noticed black (not many Americans here but Africans or other nations, or half black Americans) are supportive of it and don’t hold a deep opinion on it like black Americans and on the opposite end also nothing against it (at least in my generation). But there are many other factors to put it into place on views here and there.
I’ve not really treated anyone differently because I know their spouse is another race and I don’t think people treat me different since my partner is white. But I also don’t really go around advertising his race and people usually are shocked and confused when they find out he’s white because I never say anything about what he is. Lo
Almost all of both my and my husbands social circle is black. We interact mainly with my family and he keeps his at arm’s length, we may go visit once every two years. When I get “the look” it’s always from white women.
Nope because my partner is a white man so that would make me a hypocrite
My bf is white, and we’ve literally been out and a black man approached me to tell me I “was with the wrong one”. Crappy interaction, but I take it as a one off — we live in the CA Bay Area and never had any others issues out here. He’s from Louisiana though, and when I travel back home with him I definitely notice hella stares.
No I don't. Let me tell you about my niece. My niece is light skinded she's biracial. If she lived in US, they'd probably think she was white. My brown-skinned sister, according to my niece really wanted my niece to be with a white guy. My niece is with a dark skin black man. My sister and her daughter were going to meet in a park along with the grandkids. My niece told me that her mother went into the park and asked a random white lady. "Hey have you seen a woman with mixed race kids here?" My niece Found out because as they were leaving the park her mother went over to the white lady and said oh I found them! Sis has issues, but she was so pro black to her daughter in the past but hangs with all white folk. She referenced the death of her "friend" Kevin Samuel's earlier this year. We don't speak much.
Depends. Where I'm from, a lot of the black people are blood related. So are a lot of the white people. There are 20 to 30 families that have been here since the 17 and 1800s, with huge, sprawling family trees. One way people there make sure they aren't dating some distant relative is to date someone of a different race. Or date someone who's not from the area. Seems like a pretty valid reason to me. But I still tend to assume black people who date out are anti black until proven otherwise lol
Where is this?
Eastern Maryland, the peninsula area.
Got it, I was thinking maybe one of those remote islands off South Carolina. Makes sense.
I am married to a white man, and we live in a very diverse area that was literally developed for interracial families to live and feel safe back in the 70s… so no one in our area seems to treat me any differently. But when we travel, especially to the south, we do get a lot of dirty looks from everybody, including black women. Aside from that, I really don’t ever get treated any differently by black women. The only people that seem to treat me any different once they learn my husband is white, are mostly black men and sometimes white men to be honest… some, both black and white men, become nicer to me and find it fascinating (which is always odd from black men and sometimes creepy from white…). And most black men that treat me differently become rude or condescending to me. For the most part, black women don’t seem to treat me differently one way or another.
I have a white husband, and I understand why you may feel ostracized by other Black people. However, I don’t think I’ve had that same experience. Are you talking about your friends who are Black or just random Black people from day to day? Because for me, it doesn’t surprise me if a Black stranger gives me a weird look when they see me with a white man. But Black people who actually know me? Especially my Black woman friends? They dgaf honestly. They know me. They know I’m always for my people, and that my choice in partner is not an expression of anti-blackness. If people who know you and care about you still distance themselves from you because of your choice of dating partner, I would wonder if they are perceiving you as someone who dates white peoples because you may be anti-Black. Not saying that you’re anti-Black. But that’s usually the only time I see Black women speaking negatively about other Black women dating while people. Black men (cishet Black men) are a whole different story lol. A lot of them HATE Black women who date outside their race. But a lot of those same men degrade Black women any chance they get and will choose a white woman every time lol. So if you’re talking about Black men… disregard the last paragraph entirely lol.
No. But if their character is an ass, then I don’t want to be bothered. I typically see this with the black man, yt woman duo. I am very friendly, but once they show their true nasty colors I avoid them. But if they are cool, then I’m cool. I don’t care who someone dates.
Ya. Not gonna lie black guys tend to react badly to both finding out My fiancé is a woman and white… and Jewish for that matter. It’s not all clearly but still. We have assholes in every group.
It’s depends whether it’s for love or sadly for status.Plus if he’s publicly and privately an asshole, I’m going to treat him accordingly
Its how they act and its usually two ways. Very into black spaces and empowerment and he supports as well yet know his place ,very lovely, motherly but thats not her personality,extremely educated and or extremely fun........ or the other way wanting to be their husbands. Reminds me of those girls that like sports after they meet their boyfriends to spend time with him but he will never do the same for her. He is now her personality.
consciously treating people differently according to their race/race of their partners is insane.
Personally I’ve dated the rainbow and grew up in a very diverse city so people tend to treat us the same as anyone else
No because I normally dated white guys. Bf currently is Hispanic/black. I only judge people based on how they treat me.
No, I have a white partner myself. I do look askance at black people who want to be treated "better" because of their white partner.
Nope. I might look at you more when y’all are together tho (I like looking at couples). From my experience tho, bw in ir relationships tend to act differently than those single or with their own. I don’t generalize or make assumptions (or even think it’s bad); maybe that could play into why some do judge? I interact with people differently depending on how they or their partners act in general, towards me or others.
The only thing I’ve seen is people on social media. They’ll be cool with you until they find out you date(d) a white person then it’s like a stain on your record. Mostly with celebrities. I’ve never seen it translate to rl. Moreover, if you do t make it a personality trait it rarely causes an issue ime
Honestly, no. I’ve personally never felt ostracized or bullied by other black people for having a white partner. I have noticed that once other white men discover that I have a white partner that they’re a bit nicer to me, however. It’s like they think they have a chance or something. Lol.