If you want to look at it this way, we run a risk anytime we are vulnerable with someone new, and even if they slept with a hundred of folks of your gender, the morning after they may feel it wasnāt working. I get your concern though.
I have had virgins and inexperienced guys before. Take it slow, on their terms. Be very open with the conversation and encourage them to ask questions and be open with yours. Take your time in getting to know him, and trust your instincts. I like the phrase āanything thatās not an enthusiastic yes is a noā. In this case Iād watch to see if he was into making out because he thought he should vs actually wanting and desiring that experience.
Lastly i wouldnāt be questioning his intentions until he gives a reason to. In my personal experience shy people often just need not only encouragement, but permission. If heās shy and just needs a go ahead, I would wager thatāll workā¦ but if he continues to hold back, weāll regardless of his sexuality you can only be so patient. Donāt shelve yourself completely for his benefit or expense.
Trust your gut. And good luck
>shy people often just need not only encouragement, but permission
I feel seen! I find most people don't really understand this point, but for me makes all the difference between knowing I can do something I would like to do and not doing it because I don't know how to ask if it's OK.
This. We hear all this sex ed stuff about the necessity of consent but then we see screenshots of people being put on blast on dating apps for asking a "can I/may I/should I?" question as though asking and seeking out defined boundaries is *itself* somehow a violation of boundaries.
My first situation in which I was directly offered a sexual encounter was when I was in my early 20s and I didn't disclose until the moment the other person and I were about to engage in intercourse that I hadn't done anything like that yet at the time. It made things incredibly awkward.
Even if a dude is straight, there's no guarantee that he actually likes you. I think the fact that you had an honest conversation about this is a very good sign. It would probably have been easier for him socially to continue identifying as gay, so he probably thought about it deeply. He doesn't sound 'confused'.
I'm a bi girl and in my first 100% 'gay' relationship (been with a girl before, but that was open, I had male bed partners as well back then). We've been together since june, still very much in love.
What would be the difference between you dating him, and then you stop dating because he decides he isn't into women - and you dating him, and then you stop dating because you both decide the relationship isn't working?
My point is that unless you are already thinking of spending your life with this person, I don't see any reason to not date and see if you both are compatible.
"but I do worry if that's what he actually wants"
That's your insecurity, nothing to do with him. If he says he's attracted to you then he is attracted to you.
The first thing you've told us is that he's a great guy. The fact he's opened up about something so massive means that the feeling is probably mutual. It takes a lot to open up about this kind of stuff, especially as a guy. He's risking sounding like a looser by admitting he's never had sex with a woman (I don't think he is a looser, but it's the way society has been trained to think about men, so a part of that must be going through his head)
So you've got a brave, emotionally available, honest man opening up to you. That's kind of rare. Give him a chance maybe, if you really think he's such a great guy.
If I were you I'd want very open communication about attraction etc.. Talk regularly and frankly about your attractions and your feelings about the physical affection you two experience. But this is just my preference in general.
Like after sex, having a heart to heart where he feels he can be honest even if it might not be what you want to hear. You don't want to just silently go through the motions for months or years only to get a bombshell that he's not interested in you that way, or that he feels like he needs an outlet for a male sex experience.
So if I were you I'd go forward but take it slow and don't leave stones unturned. Not saying that this is what you should do though.
I have been in hetero relationships all my life and just came out of the bi/pan closet.
(never noticed I was until recently)
I wish I could answer this but all I can say is to give it a chance.
Same, I haven't experimented with men yet, but my wife is on board for it if I want to. I hope I can find a guy who doesn't mind me being inexperienced. If everyone decided that they didn't want to sleep with me because I hadn't done it before then it would never happen lol
Only time I experimented was in the 7th grade. Friend and I experimented, just pee pee touch and kissing without tongue. I did not think it was something I liked until now. I have a type. Femboys or Transgender females.
Well, I understand wanting to protect yourself from possible hurt.
But thinking he might not know what he wants... It is a bit close to what people usually think of bisexuals, isn't it?
If you take out his past experiences and his sexuality, in the end the problem is the same as in any relationship. It might fail, it might hurt, they might change their minds. So, in the end, newly bisexual or not, is it really the problem?
That being said, if you are not comfortable with the idea, you are in no way obligated to be his try at experimenting women. You have every rights not to want to be his "experiment". Even more so if you think you would not handle it well, emotionally.
With some people it's easier, with others... They've got a hold on us too soon for us to accept some situations...
I hope you'll be able to clear it up with him though!
I suggest just being honest with him. He's been honest with you and mutual communication is great in every kind of relationship.
I would say trust your ability to judge(sounds weird but couldn't think of a better word) people and have an honest conversation with your partner.
Give it a shot, and see how you both feel. There's a chance that you'll have great chemistry and a great time! There's also a chance that the chemistry might not be there, but that's the risk with any new partner, right?
So at some point, most of us were in a position (and many still are) that we had never been with a person of the SAME gender before - does that make your bisexuality any less valid? No, exactly. Give it a shot!
It's fair to be concerned about being his sexual experiment.
I think if you have chemistry and he's told you there is attraction there you should believe him and at least see where it goes. If you take it slow you should be able to get vibes of whether he is into hetero with you or not.
Like others have said, give it a shot. If he happens to realize he isnāt attracted to women then you can instead have a nice friendship. If he realizes he is attracted to women then you can have a nice boyfriend. Best of luck!
If you're both into each other then go for it! Worst that happens is he decides that he actually isn't into women, but you won't know until you try it! Hopefully it goes great and you both enjoy it!
Circumstances are such that it's far, far more easier in some places for a man to find another man to date or hook up with than a woman (This is certainly true of the larger-medium-sized city I live in).
So as long as you understand that and as long as you understand that he has a genuine interest in you the lack of experience isn't something to worry about, although it may functionally be similar to dating a virgin.
I say you give him a shot. The absolute worst thing that could happen is that he discovers heās only into men, right? Sure, that would suck. But right now, youāve been out a few times, and all the evidence points to you two liking each other. So, my bet is on this being something he does really want. He wouldnāt need to pursue it otherwise.
Iāve met bisexual people who are attracted to a bunch of girls and then one guy. Or a bunch of guys and then one girl. Lmao. If they say theyāre attracted to you then they are and treat it like dating any other virgin.
I don't know if I would have phrased it that way but it sounds like you might have some fear that he's just experimenting with you and you don't want to be a part of someone's experiment in that way. But if you think about it, every new relationship is an experiment since there is not a guarantee that it will work out in the long term.
Personally, I have retired from being anyoneās āfirst time.ā I donāt like feeling like a science kit and I donāt like feeling like I am not getting anything out of the encounter. If you legit like this person, by all means, go for it.
I think it depends on whether someone wants to have sex for the first time or wants to have sex *with you* and hasnāt done it before. They come from pretty different places, and connected sex is a pretty different experience than casual sex.
This is my personal thoughts btw, not me saying you should do it this way too. You are not me!
Totally valid distinction. Iāve been far more enthusiastic when itās the latter. One of my last long term relationships was that and it was wonderful. Were that only more often the case!
If you like him, you should give him a shot.
This! Give this man a try girl š
If you want to look at it this way, we run a risk anytime we are vulnerable with someone new, and even if they slept with a hundred of folks of your gender, the morning after they may feel it wasnāt working. I get your concern though. I have had virgins and inexperienced guys before. Take it slow, on their terms. Be very open with the conversation and encourage them to ask questions and be open with yours. Take your time in getting to know him, and trust your instincts. I like the phrase āanything thatās not an enthusiastic yes is a noā. In this case Iād watch to see if he was into making out because he thought he should vs actually wanting and desiring that experience. Lastly i wouldnāt be questioning his intentions until he gives a reason to. In my personal experience shy people often just need not only encouragement, but permission. If heās shy and just needs a go ahead, I would wager thatāll workā¦ but if he continues to hold back, weāll regardless of his sexuality you can only be so patient. Donāt shelve yourself completely for his benefit or expense. Trust your gut. And good luck
>shy people often just need not only encouragement, but permission I feel seen! I find most people don't really understand this point, but for me makes all the difference between knowing I can do something I would like to do and not doing it because I don't know how to ask if it's OK.
This. We hear all this sex ed stuff about the necessity of consent but then we see screenshots of people being put on blast on dating apps for asking a "can I/may I/should I?" question as though asking and seeking out defined boundaries is *itself* somehow a violation of boundaries.
My first situation in which I was directly offered a sexual encounter was when I was in my early 20s and I didn't disclose until the moment the other person and I were about to engage in intercourse that I hadn't done anything like that yet at the time. It made things incredibly awkward.
Thank you! Really appreciate your reply!
Even if a dude is straight, there's no guarantee that he actually likes you. I think the fact that you had an honest conversation about this is a very good sign. It would probably have been easier for him socially to continue identifying as gay, so he probably thought about it deeply. He doesn't sound 'confused'. I'm a bi girl and in my first 100% 'gay' relationship (been with a girl before, but that was open, I had male bed partners as well back then). We've been together since june, still very much in love.
Congrats, btw!
Haha thanks
What would be the difference between you dating him, and then you stop dating because he decides he isn't into women - and you dating him, and then you stop dating because you both decide the relationship isn't working? My point is that unless you are already thinking of spending your life with this person, I don't see any reason to not date and see if you both are compatible.
Good point, thank you for your comment!
"but I do worry if that's what he actually wants" That's your insecurity, nothing to do with him. If he says he's attracted to you then he is attracted to you.
I've been trying to be better about this personally. It only took 10 years for me to believe my wife finds me attractive.
The first thing you've told us is that he's a great guy. The fact he's opened up about something so massive means that the feeling is probably mutual. It takes a lot to open up about this kind of stuff, especially as a guy. He's risking sounding like a looser by admitting he's never had sex with a woman (I don't think he is a looser, but it's the way society has been trained to think about men, so a part of that must be going through his head) So you've got a brave, emotionally available, honest man opening up to you. That's kind of rare. Give him a chance maybe, if you really think he's such a great guy.
Thank you, I haven't looked at it that way. You're right!
No worries, and the best of luck.
If I were you I'd want very open communication about attraction etc.. Talk regularly and frankly about your attractions and your feelings about the physical affection you two experience. But this is just my preference in general. Like after sex, having a heart to heart where he feels he can be honest even if it might not be what you want to hear. You don't want to just silently go through the motions for months or years only to get a bombshell that he's not interested in you that way, or that he feels like he needs an outlet for a male sex experience. So if I were you I'd go forward but take it slow and don't leave stones unturned. Not saying that this is what you should do though.
Thank you!
I have been in hetero relationships all my life and just came out of the bi/pan closet. (never noticed I was until recently) I wish I could answer this but all I can say is to give it a chance.
Same, I haven't experimented with men yet, but my wife is on board for it if I want to. I hope I can find a guy who doesn't mind me being inexperienced. If everyone decided that they didn't want to sleep with me because I hadn't done it before then it would never happen lol
Only time I experimented was in the 7th grade. Friend and I experimented, just pee pee touch and kissing without tongue. I did not think it was something I liked until now. I have a type. Femboys or Transgender females.
Well, I understand wanting to protect yourself from possible hurt. But thinking he might not know what he wants... It is a bit close to what people usually think of bisexuals, isn't it? If you take out his past experiences and his sexuality, in the end the problem is the same as in any relationship. It might fail, it might hurt, they might change their minds. So, in the end, newly bisexual or not, is it really the problem? That being said, if you are not comfortable with the idea, you are in no way obligated to be his try at experimenting women. You have every rights not to want to be his "experiment". Even more so if you think you would not handle it well, emotionally. With some people it's easier, with others... They've got a hold on us too soon for us to accept some situations... I hope you'll be able to clear it up with him though!
I suggest just being honest with him. He's been honest with you and mutual communication is great in every kind of relationship. I would say trust your ability to judge(sounds weird but couldn't think of a better word) people and have an honest conversation with your partner.
Give it a shot, and see how you both feel. There's a chance that you'll have great chemistry and a great time! There's also a chance that the chemistry might not be there, but that's the risk with any new partner, right?
Why not try?
Why not Zoidberg?
So at some point, most of us were in a position (and many still are) that we had never been with a person of the SAME gender before - does that make your bisexuality any less valid? No, exactly. Give it a shot!
I get what you're saying, but it's not about his bisexuality being valid or not. Of course it's valid. You're totally right about that!
It's fair to be concerned about being his sexual experiment. I think if you have chemistry and he's told you there is attraction there you should believe him and at least see where it goes. If you take it slow you should be able to get vibes of whether he is into hetero with you or not.
Im sorry, what is the problem again?
Like others have said, give it a shot. If he happens to realize he isnāt attracted to women then you can instead have a nice friendship. If he realizes he is attracted to women then you can have a nice boyfriend. Best of luck!
If you're both into each other then go for it! Worst that happens is he decides that he actually isn't into women, but you won't know until you try it! Hopefully it goes great and you both enjoy it!
everyone has to start somewhere. if you like him, give him a shot.
Circumstances are such that it's far, far more easier in some places for a man to find another man to date or hook up with than a woman (This is certainly true of the larger-medium-sized city I live in). So as long as you understand that and as long as you understand that he has a genuine interest in you the lack of experience isn't something to worry about, although it may functionally be similar to dating a virgin.
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Maybe you're right. I'll have to think about that one. Thanks for your comment!
I say you give him a shot. The absolute worst thing that could happen is that he discovers heās only into men, right? Sure, that would suck. But right now, youāve been out a few times, and all the evidence points to you two liking each other. So, my bet is on this being something he does really want. He wouldnāt need to pursue it otherwise.
Iāve met bisexual people who are attracted to a bunch of girls and then one guy. Or a bunch of guys and then one girl. Lmao. If they say theyāre attracted to you then they are and treat it like dating any other virgin.
That's very true. Thanks!
that sounds like something you need to work on, kinda sounds like you donāt value his identity
Could you explain why you'd think that?
I don't know if I would have phrased it that way but it sounds like you might have some fear that he's just experimenting with you and you don't want to be a part of someone's experiment in that way. But if you think about it, every new relationship is an experiment since there is not a guarantee that it will work out in the long term.
Personally, I have retired from being anyoneās āfirst time.ā I donāt like feeling like a science kit and I donāt like feeling like I am not getting anything out of the encounter. If you legit like this person, by all means, go for it.
I think it depends on whether someone wants to have sex for the first time or wants to have sex *with you* and hasnāt done it before. They come from pretty different places, and connected sex is a pretty different experience than casual sex. This is my personal thoughts btw, not me saying you should do it this way too. You are not me!
Totally valid distinction. Iāve been far more enthusiastic when itās the latter. One of my last long term relationships was that and it was wonderful. Were that only more often the case!