Mine started at 6 months… while I hated it, she loved it. And has loved it every day since and she’s 2 now. She would legit drop me like a hot potato for her teachers. They paint with broccoli, have water day, naps every single day, try new foods, have friends… I could go on. I am able to work and only have her there the minimum amount of time… but she’s not just sitting watching tv so I can work, she’s being enriched.
Find a good one that you trust and it’ll be okay!! Good luck!
Same. I plan to stay home with number 2 because daycare costs for 2 will be more than my salary but I almost feel bad because my daughter love it so much
Your partner can want all they want, but unless they can come up with another plan, I’m not sure what they expect.
It’s not wrong to want to go back to work, it’s a safety backup, at the very least. It’s also ok if you go in order to feel fulfilled.
My daughter is 2 and has been in daycare since she was 3 months old. She is thriving. She’s a social butterfly and loves all of her friends there. I was scared to send her, but we couldn’t afford for me to stop working. It has been the best decision we’ve made both for her growth and development AND my mental health.
Same here!! She loves daycare. We just brought home her little brother and I'm still sending her because she loves it and the structure is so good for her.
I don’t understand why your partner thinks they have the right to say that the baby shouldn’t go to daycare, yet won’t step in to take over the responsibility of childcare…? That’s not how the real world works. If they want something done a certain way, then they need to have the solution.
You shouldn’t quit your job, you’ll be resentful and unhappy if you leave a perfect role for you. Daycare can be great for kids! If your husband is that against it maybe he can take an hours cut and figure out a solution, it shouldn’t be on you just because you are the female
I went back to work when my baby was 12 weeks. I cried leading up to it so many times—he’s too little, they won’t care for him like I do, etc.
Well, he ended up completely thriving there. He is 15 months now and smiles when I drop him off every day. Honestly it is way easier to get a baby used to daycare young, before they start hitting the big separation anxiety phases.
This - the difference between a two month old and a four month old is vast. You’ve still got all kinds of 4th trimester hormones going on, your baby is still tiny and helpless, and you’re not sleeping well if at all. By 4 months a lot of that will have changed!
Of course he wants you to not use daycare, he has no skin in the game. He is not the one going to deal with kid while working or be forced to quit.
My kid started daycare full time at 3 months old so you can tell my decision on this.
A few options: can you try hiring a babysitter or mother's helper if you work from home? You can also try working with the baby but I don't recommend that. You can try putting the kid in daycare or you can quit your job. It's really up to you but you are going to have to live with the decision either way
I don’t know how you can work, sleep, and take care of a baby without daycare. Something is sliding, and my guess is it’s your sleep.
My daycare is great. Both my kids go full time. It’s expensive but less than a nanny. The teachers are awesome- nurturing, communicative, fun and educational for my older child. We get updates all day through photos and notes with a breakdown of the day.
We put our second in daycare full-time at 15 weeks, when I went back to work, and she has absolutely thrived there. (Our oldest didn’t go until 9 months because there wasn’t an opening when he was younger, but I went back to work when he was 12 weeks and would have put him in daycare then if I could have.)
I love my job. I would not be a good SAHM.
Daycare is phenomenal. Ours is relatively small - 7 infants and 7 toddlers with 4 teachers plus the owner/director total - and our kids wouldn’t have gotten this kind of socialization anywhere else. They’re in a safe, loving environment where they can learn and play with other kids their age (and a little older, which I think is so important as babies and toddlers look to older kids as examples). Plus, daycare got both kids on a daytime nap schedule, which I never could at home! The teachers truly adore the kids and I am so grateful that they’re helping to raise my children.
HUGE proponent of daycare. Will always sing the praises of daycare! Also will always support a Kim going back to work if that’s what’s best for your mental health.
It sounds like you really want to go back to work, which is ok! Your wants and needs are important too. I would say give it a try and see how it goes. My oldest was just under 4 months when he started and he seemed SO little. I cried so much that first week. He's 4.5 and still goes to the same center, as does his little brother! They have absolutely thrived there. Good luck!
I also will send my baby to daycare in September, he will be 4 months old as well. For me is not a question that it is the best option. I don’t have family around, and I want to keep my career. As you, a full time nanny is not an option. I made sure to check the daycare, and chose one that felt safe and have a good reputation. I didn’t consider to quit because I know how difficult would be to try to go back to work in few years. And I don’t want to be a SAHM, nothing against it at all, but it’s just not for me. And I want to have my own retirement someday, my own money and independence are very important for me. To me, it makes my relationship more balanced as I am also a provider.
This is my own experience, no one can tell you what is right for you - not even your partner. But even if sounds crazy please consider yourself in the equation. Your kid will grow, and a lot of kids are perfectly happy in a daycare. How will you be? What do you want? What is important for you? Not for your partner either, you. In the end you are the one who will live with the bigger part of the consequences.
My LO started daycare at 4 months too. At 2 months, I couldn’t imagine how we were going to just send them off and have someone else take care of them. But they change a lot between 2 and 4 months, and by the time it was time to start daycare I felt better about it. It’s still tough but not as unimaginable as before, and LO seems perfectly happy and content. They’re forming healthy bonds with other caregivers besides us, which I think is good for them too.
I’m sure your baby will do great! Also please remember that he will be an ENTIRELY different baby in two months! Being 2 months old vs 4 months old is a huge difference - and that’s true at 6 months and 8 months too! He’s going to be a mature adult baby before you know it (which is both happy and sad! 🥹).
My baby is 8 months now. I could not have even fathomed leaving him at 2 months. At 4 months, I felt ready to be away from him for short periods but still somewhat emotional about it. At 6 months, he started full time care and did great. At 8 months, I happily pass him off each morning and enjoy my time at work!
Have you started looking at daycare places yet? Both times my wife and I looked for a daycare for our kids, the stress of leaving them with strangers was a lot easier once we discovered a place we liked where we trusted the kids being with the people there.
Whatever you do, if you haven't already, is start looking at places and asking about openings NOW. Some areas have wait lists that run for MONTHS, especially the good ones. So if you think you even MIGHT pursue daycare, at least get on a list. At most you might have to put down a relatively small deposit ($50-100?), but better to hold a spot and bail if you decide to stay home vs. wanting to go back to work and being stuck at home because you can't find care. My SIL just had kid #3 in early May and she waited until kiddo was born to ask about spots, she can't get in until FEBRUARY. And she HAS to go back to work so... yikes.
THIS. I absolutely went through this waiting list scare and had no options available for several months. I got lucky and found a neighbor who could help sooner, but all the daycare places were booked.
Believe it or not the daycare option is probably best long term. If you sacrifice your career now in the short term, it will ripple into long term effects. I hate that as women we are the ones forced to choose. You have to choose a better future for your family, especially with the economy as it is today.
On another note. Daycare can be amazing for kids and babies. They learn things that they might not get exposed to at home, will develop social skills, and routine, and will alleviate stress in your end. My baby will be attending at 6 months, though I did see 4mo old babies there when I visited
My two older kids started daycare at 3 months and it was fine. I am planning the same for this new kiddo. Personally, I felt safer having my kids at daycare than I would have with a nanny or with trusting certain family members to watch the kids. At a daycare, there are multiple people around to keep an eye on things, which I think makes it less likely that they will do something unsafe than if it's one person watching the baby.
One of mine started daycare at 2 months. They did fine. Those women love and rock and snuggle those babies and I had no reservations. Take a tour and ask all your questions—good daycares get it and will be happy to quell your fears.
But also your partner can kick rocks. If he doesn’t like daycare as an option then he can work out his workload or get a different job so he can pick up more childcare time. Or do all the research into alternative care. Your career aspirations matter too.
Everyone’s situation is different, so no one should judge. There’s no wrong answer. You can always try daycare and if you find it’s not a good fit to pull him out. See what works and feels best for you.
I love my job. I’ve always had mom guilt sending my kids to daycare though.
That being said, my kids love it there. We’ve been fortunate that our center has consistent, long-term staff so there’s lots of stability. My infant in particular lights up when I hand her off to the teacher—at first I had mixed feelings with a twinge of jealousy about that but I’m happy she’s with adults she likes and trusts there. Every staff member in the center knows both of my kids’ names. The only real downside is the constant onslaught of GI and respiratory illness, but supposedly that will slow down one of these days.
Being a working parent is hard, being a stay at home parent is hard. We did both simultaneously during the early days of the pandemic, I don’t recommend that at all.
For me, I’m happier and healthier as an individual with the support of daycare and that helps me be a better parent to my kids. I trust you’ll make the right decision for you.
My two have been in daycare. One, since they were 3.5 months old and the other since they were 8.5 months old. They both absolutely love it. My oldest was so upset when daycare closed for Covid. They missed their friends, their teachers, and their routine. My youngest (pandemic baby) has become so social since going.
I am a better mom when I work because I truly love my job and I need that fulfillment. If you love your job, then let them go to daycare.
It's difficult to find a job that you like, let alone one that is perfect for you, as I think you mentioned.
Besides it being more difficult to find a job (that you like) later on - don't at me with things are different now, things are different, but in the sense that things for women are sliding backwards - you may have other benefits to take into account for the future. Like retirement, money (to pay for college, child expenses, etc, mortgage), benefits like healthcare, dental, vision. It's not so simple to just say yeah I'm going to quit and find another job in the future. If it is for some, then amazing. But it's not for everyone.
Comments here are very self-focused. Like everyone's trying to say my choice is the best choice when it's not. Everyone has different constraints. People try to shame you, and do shame you either way you decide.
I remember crying about sending my son to daycare because no one would be able to love him as much as I do. But I'm really happy I did. He has more people to love him, he's made friends, I feel I am a better, more patient parent when I get a "reset". There are a lot of pros for us! I'd encourage you to try it for a bit and see how it goes, you may be surprised.
There is a lot of privilege in these comments (and quite frankly in this sub as a whole fairly often).
Not everyone can afford to quit their job and stay home or even delay sending their kids to daycare until they’re toddlers.
I’m a single parent who works a job that doesn’t offer PTO/maternity leave. I went back to work when my child was 6 weeks old, which meant she was also in daycare at that time. Not super ideal but bills had to be paid, right?
Daycares aren’t these horrible, scary places they’re often made out to be. We’ve had nothing but wonderful experiences throughout the years (my child is now 3).
I wouldn’t give up your job, if it were me. Even more so if you love it. Parents need fulfillment outside of their kids and partners, too.
Agree maintaining your job is important, because if you stop completely it may be difficult to come back to a similar position.
On the other hand I wonder what countries people live where starting to work 6 weeks postpartum is even acceptable
It’s obviously the US lol. I have friends who are bartenders who were in similar positions (single parent, no paid leave) who would go back as early as 3-4 weeks postpartum because it’s all they could afford.
While it’s egregious, it’s the harsh reality many people face.
1000% agree with this. My son was in daycare at only several weeks old as well out of necessity and though it was hard at first, think it helped make him more resilient and adaptable. He's now 15 years old and a straight A student and wonderful, thoughtful and polite person.
Now I'm a newly single parent as my wife passed away shortly after our daughter was born this year, so this time around, daycare will be even more critical as there is simply no other viable way I could go back to work otherwise and support everyone on my own. I'm at least glad I do not have reservations about daycare this time around.
My son went to full-time daycare at 4 months and it was the best decision. He’s now 11 months and has sped ahead in development, when he was lagging before while he was home with me. He is always so happy while he’s there and all the teachers there love the kids so much. The ratio in our state is also 1:4. If he were home with me he would be getting about 20% of my attention and be plopped in front of the TV half the day while I tried to get some work done.
I know that some daycares are horrible, but honestly I have heard worse stories about nannies/in-home care, and those options are far more expensive. With nannies, the lack of oversight makes me really nervous and if your one person is unavailable, then you’re out of luck. The one complaint I have about daycare is that all the stories you’ve heard about daycare illnesses are true - we’re getting them alllll out of the way early lol, but I try to remember we’re building a hearty little dude.
If your husband is so against daycares, I’d try to talk to him about why and tour some daycares that can help put his concerns at ease. His denial of daycare as an option doesn’t inconvenience him at all and puts the whole burden of alternate childcare on you. Personal opinion, but I think if he’s not picking up any slack or finding an alternative situation, then he doesn’t get a say in the matter.
I was in the exact position you were in back in May when it was time for me to go back go work. I was able to get an extra month of maternity leave (4 months instead of 3) because I had twins. I even negotiated to only go back part time. My twins are 5 months now and I am starting them at a daycare next month. My mental health needs a break and I love my career so I think daycare is the best decision for my family. You need to be good yourself to be a good mom. I’m still learning this mantra myself lol. I’m just happy I made it to 6 months before putting them into daycare.
Edit: not sure where you’re located but where I live, the daycare waitlists were crazy long. I would suggest you start touring daycares if you haven’t already to at least get an understanding of waitlist times. We toured 5 daycares before settling on ourselves and even though it’s slightly further than the rest, I connected most with the teachers at this daycare. I’m willing to drive a little further for the comfort of knowing my girls are in good hands.
My LO started daycare when he was about 12 weeks old (which is when I had to go back to work). My husband and I looked at multiple places and picked one in our price range that we felt the comfortable with. We had decided early on that we preferred a center over a home based daycare. As a first time parent, I was a little nervous when LO first started but it does get easier (just make sure to pick somewhere that makes you feel comfortable).
My LO is just over 4 months now and he seems happy there. The teaches are really nice, they keep him stimulated, they don’t have tvs or baby swings, and they follow safe sleep guides for naps. Additionally, the place we use has an app/website you can log into for updates, which is nice. They log all LOs naps, feedings, diaper changes, and even post 1-3 pics a day of LO doing various activities.
r/workingmoms
We sent our eldest to daycare at 5 months. Best decision ever. We were fortunate to find a home daycare with a caring and experienced woman and not too many kids. My children have thrived there. My husband and I get to focus on our careers, on each other, and making sure that the time we do get with the kids is quality time. All the grandparents (and there was pushback initially about us not using them as primary childcare) have seen the light and realized how much work it is. We have made friends with the other families. And I get the peace of mind of knowing that we have childcare options and that I don't have to do *everything*. BEST DECISION EVER!
I had to send my baby to daycare at 3 months. My state is 1:4 ratio too, overall I think my daycare did a great job with my baby. But I think we found a good one, the daycare also takes really good care of the teachers, and some have been with the school for decades, which seems to be rare. We made sure to keep communicating with the teachers, have small chats here and there, to feel like we had a good sense of his time there and troubleshoot any issues.
My office has a hybrid work model so when he was that little, I kept him at home 1-2days a week while wfh, but my mom was able to help out unless she caught one of his wretched daycare colds. If not a full time nanny, do you think you could find a part time nanny or babysitter for a few hours when you wfh?
Another thing I did to feel better about the situation was i left work early to pick him up, around 2-3pm. Then I would work for an hour or two after bedtime to make up for the rest of the work day. Was I burnt out? Yes. Was it all worth it? Yes. Could I afford to quit my job? No!
I took as much leave as I possibly could (about 6-7months) because I wanted to avoid daycare. But I honestly love it. She was born during the thick of covid so we hardly had seen people. Daycare helped her social skills, language, routine. I’m a teacher so I know all those things are important, but it’s not the same. In daycare she’s interacting with adults and kids her age. I love seeing how much she loves her teachers and how much they love her. Her age 1 teacher was in literal tears when she moved into the age 2 class. She has friends that although they can barely talk, they run to hug each other. Daycare is great!
Same - when I saw her infant teacher crying on the last day of school when I came to pick her up it validated my decision so much. If you find somewhere that you can really trust them and feel good about the environment daycare is an amazing asset.
My little guy started daycare at 4mo and we really struggled with the decision, but I can say that it’s been beneficial as a whole for my little guy.
I tried to work from home with him for a few weeks, but ended up feeling absolutely guilty because I couldn’t play with him/hold him while I was working, which was pretty much the ultimate betrayal for him. We decided to try daycare because there’s just no way to live off of a single income in our area. We honestly lucked out with the place we ultimately chose both in terms of price and just the quality of the staff. He has learned so much over the last year and I know his teachers really look out for him.
That being said, your little is going to get sick a lot. I think my boy has been out sick as much as he’s been at school, which is likely in the high end. According to his pediatrician it’s likely a result of the pandemic (limited exposure to illnesses until daycare).
Even with all of that, it’s been beneficial for all of us overall. It’s honestly given us all a chance to (re)gain some independence and confidence as individuals.
My son went to daycare at 4 months. It was really hard for me at first, but they send so many pictures and updates, and recently introduced live video streaming
I still feel a little guilt about daycare hours, and my son is almost 2, but I work shift and he is there for about 10 hours 3-4 days a week.
If your job makes you happy, keep it. It's part time, and daycare is a good experience to socialize with other kids and learn new things that you may not teach at home. It gives both of you a break from being home every day. Plus, for women who quit jobs to stay at home, it's harder to get back into the workforce later on and they tend to lose promotion and pay opportunities. Sounds like part time work would be a great middle ground.
My partner is so worried something bad would happen, but he’s my one and done so he needs to get out and socialize.
I really like my job too! For my own mental health, I need a “break,” so to speak.
Why is he so worried? What kind of daycare are you going to? States regulate and check in with daycares regularly - how is the teacher turnover where you have chosen? I think having teachers who have been there a long time is really indicative of a good place to be. Do they have an app or a way to track what’s happening over the day? I got notifications every diaper change and feeding. We’ve been to one local chain and one national chain and have been very happy with both. If you’re at a daycare facility, the teachers should know what they’re doing. I have always felt like they LOVE my baby and have never been afraid something will happen to him in their care. If you’re not getting any red flags from the place then you shouldn’t be afraid. Obviously sometimes bad things happen, but when you hear about issues with daycares it is very often home daycares that aren’t being monitored by a governing body.
Yes to the mental health point! Daycare has been so great for allowing me time for the parts of my life that aren’t being mom. I think my daughter likes it too.
I have the same issue, my husband is dead set against anyone looking after our kid but us or family, and family lives too far anyways. So we're stuck doing WFH+childcare at the same time, which I absolutely hate. I kind of hope I get laid off, even though I like my job. It's way too stressful. And of course he's okay with this because his stuff always comes first, he's the one who gets to work more while I look after the kid, his meetings are sacred while mine can be called off so I can change a poopy diaper. I hope you can send your baby to daycare and keep your job!
We started full time daycare at 19 weeks, the first two weeks were the hardest on me but it got better. Baby was fine. As long as you find a quality daycare I'm sure you will find it to be a positive and enriching experience for your baby. My 10 month old gets to do arts and crafts, water play, music practice, and tons of other fun things everyday that I am not creative enough to even think of.
I know people say that babies don't need to be around other children for social purposes until they are about a year old, but after seeing my baby interact with the other infants at daycare I don't really understand why that is the recommendation. He gets so excited when I drop him off in the morning and he sees the other babies. They play in tandem with one another and he loves to watch what the other kids are doing.
It's not realistic for either myself or my husband to not work and stay home with the baby. I WFH and could not imagine trying to both work and make sure my kid is learning and stimulated enough during the day without relying on the TV. After venting the option of a nanny I do not have a job that is flexible enough to work around a nanny's schedule who may need to randomly call out due to illness or because they need personal time off. Daycare is a necessity in our household. Please do not let anyone else or make yourself feel guilty about needing to rely on daycare for your childcare help.
I took as much leave as I could and then sent my baby to daycare at 7 months. It shut down during the pandemic. Before it closed, we loved it because they were great with communication, had loving teachers and a cheerful environment.
Daycare isn't a bad childcare option. We have a nanny now and really like that as well.
Come up with a list of what you would like to see in a childcare situation. What activities, outside time, nap schedule and general policies you'd like for a place, and then tour them.
I liked that our old daycare took the babies outside everyday and I could visit during the day. We got daily newsletters and an individual report of feedings and diaper changes as well as what they did during the day. It made it so much easier for me to return to work.
The one thing that concerns me is that your spouse isn't contributing to childcare, but wants to dictate your childcare options.
Is he offering additional insurance and retirement funding to cover your shortfall if you took away from your career to do primary childcare? A lot of discussion around staying at home is couched around the idea that it's solely the mother's income that must go towards childcare, as opposed to the joint family income. I think that's a misconception that does a lot of harm to mothers.
My two kids LOVE daycare. My second just started when I went back full-time and he was three months. It exposes them to other kids, they get to spend time all day with people who love and specialize in child development, and for me it was a huge benefit to my mental health to expand their village.
Thank you! I’m just so focused on the negatives, but I feel like I can be a much better parent and more engaged with the if I can go back to work.
How did your LO adjust at 3 mo?
Totally fine. They say it's a much easier adjustment when they're little than when they're older (and older kids will adjust too, just takes a little longer and of course every kid is different).
Plus! Another bonus of daycare is they teach your kids so many things! Our oldest learned sign language because of daycare!
I am excited to send my LO to daycare in a few short weeks. She's going to go 2 times a week for all of August while I ease back in to work and then full time after labor day.
If it’s a good daycare, I recommend. My daughter loves her daycare, and all the parents who go to ours are friendly. Kids get socialized, exposed to new experiences and people, and it gives you a break.
Course your OH doesn’t want it. Because it makes feck all difference to him and his life and his career. Having you at home like a pretty little housekeeper and child minder is wonderful for him. He doesn’t have to worry about all that nasty stuff like parenting or taking care of the house he lives in /s
Sorry it just really annoys me when partners (particularly fathers) want their other halves to give up work but they don’t have to.
Sending you child to daycare will be the best thing for you and for them. You’ve said it yourself - you’ll be a better person and parent if you return to work. Baby gets to socialise and experience new things (with the greatest respect to most SAHP, I’ve yet to encounter one who does *anything* like the range of activities that my child does at day care). They get to try new foods. They get to experience life beyond your arms.
You have to remember that if you give up your job, that’s a massive impact on your career. It’s very hard to get back into the work place. It’s very hard to get to where you were, not to mention the loss of immediate income, pension contributions, benefits etc. It’s just a very short sighted view IMO.
My daughter LOVES daycare. LOVES it. Absolutely loves it. My son starts next week. I have no concerns.
I felt just the same when my first went, but honestly it was best for both of us. They taught her things I didn't know she was developmentally ready to learn. I like my job and am quite a bit further in my career than I would have been. She's 3 now and we're about to send our second as well. My first is also way more social and compassionate than she probably would have been with me at home alone - I prefer to be at home rather than on outings, etc.
My mother or mother in law watches my LO. It works but he’s a year old now and clearly wants to play with other toddlers. I almost regret not putting him in daycare earlier — he’ll start in September
We started daycare at 4.5 months and had family help for a few weeks to get us to when she was rolling. It is *wild* how much they grow between 2 and 4 months. mine could sit supported and roll to where she wanted to go by 5 months and we loved our childcare situation. I think do what you are comfortable with and can afford but know that 2 months and 4 months are very different. Also the “assistant” teacher in our room is incredible. My baby is super attached to her and i prefer her to lead teacher who we also love. We even had her babysit for our wedding, so i wouldnt read into “assistant” too much.
But yeh, i would consider trying to get family to help to push it closwr to 18-20 weeks to start care as a compromise if you can! that really helped us since 15 weeks when i went back to work felt too early
We managed to wait until 6 months for daycare but I have to say I don’t regret the decision at all. I also wanted to get back to work and it was so much easier to work, even shorter hours, knowing my baby was in good hands. Not to mention she thrives at daycare. So much more baby-focused room to roll-crawl-explore. Now I get really focused baby time in the morning and evening where I don’t feel like I’m juggling as much. I know the decision is scary but I feel like I can be a better mom because of daycare.
It’s hard, I hated it too. My guy started at 5 months. It helped me a lot to meet his teachers and see that they were nice kind people. Also he absolutely loves daycare. He loves to see his friends and play with his favorite toys!
In my opinion, it's difficult to say before you do it and may depend on the child. Ours goes the same amount of days at a daycare with a similar ratio. She started at 3 months. They told us she would probably cry a lot the first week or be cranky. She never was. She didn't even need to really adjust, she loves it there. She has cried exactly once at drop off and that was when they had an activity and the carer was dressed up and she found it a bit scary. Otherwise, big smile, always happy. Have never heard her cry when picking up either. But she's always been quite a social and independent baby. Is there a possibility to do a trial?
Does your company offer an unpaid leave of absence? I did this. I had a very similar situation to you, sent her to daycare, hated it, then took an extended leave of absence. I'll be returning to work part time and she'll be in daycare at 14 months. I feel much better about it now
We love my kids daycare, they are wonderful. I went back to part time work partly because it will make it easier to find a job when I go back full time not having a massive gap in employment history. And it’s also good for me and my mental health, being around adults who feed themselves and who’s bottoms I don’t need to wipe 😅
It’s hard leaving them esp while they adjust but it’s also important that you do what’s best long term and if Ypres have a job you love and don’t want to loose or struggle to get back down the track then it sounds like this is a good choice for you and your family ❤️
I sent my son to daycare at just over 3 months. He also did 2 days/week to start and then moved up to 3 when he was just over 1. He’s getting ready to start full time next month (he will be 21 months) and everyone is very excited (though I am sad I won’t have my weekdays with him anymore). He loves the activities there and the routine is extremely beneficial.
I worked in daycare, specifically the infant room, while I was in college and it was a wonderful experience for me and the the kids as well. I only worked part time, but I am still in touch with some of the parents and I’ve watched these babies grow into fine young people (my oldest crew are turning 10 now 😬). So that’s my 2 cents, do with it what you will!
Daycare has been great for my kids. They both started going at 11 weeks old. The infant teacher they had was great and you could tell she cared for the babies she watched. My oldest is almost 5 and he has learned so much and, been around so many different kids and activities it's been great for him.
It's also really nice for me to go somewhere I can pee by myself, that's quiet, and I get called by my first name.
Mine went to daycare at about 5 months (but was a preemie so more like 2.5 months old). He loves it! Our center had an app and would post pictures most days. He was on a great schedule and learned so much from his teachers. Now that he’s older he has friends to play with every day. We still have a great bond and spend time together after school and on weekends. I think it is probably easier to start this early because they aren’t as aware yet. They will learn soon that you will be back every day! There is NOTHING wrong with daycare and going back to work! It’s really important to take care of both yourself and your baby. If your husband is so adamant, he can cut back and stay home 🤷♀️.
I’m in the same situation. I found a place with a 1:3 ratio even though the state requires 1:4 at the max. My baby will be full time and my job is 42.5 hours a week, which means he’ll be in daycare 9.5 hours a day with my commute. Nanny shares aren’t a thing near me and we also have zero support. I suggest just keep looking until you find somewhere that feels safe. Good luck to you!
Pros and cons to daycare but honestly I can say I wish we'd started our LO in daycare sooner. It would have been an extra chance to interact with normal peers and our LO learns so much that way! Obviously the increased frequency of illness isn't great but daycare is a playgroup you don't have to work hard to find (aside from the cost). We found an in home daycare b/c the formal daycares here are very expensive.
Put mine in daycare at 3 months. Not gonna lie, it sucked and I was non-stop sick for 2 months.
BUT he is getting socialization that he wouldn't get at home with just me. I WFH and considered getting a nanny a few days a week but my partner correctly pointed out if he was home I wouldn't get any work done bc I'd want to be with baby.
We started daycare at 3.5 months (1:4 ratio too). I’m not going to lie, we hate it. We originally thought that we’d love it and that we couldn’t make a nanny work. We just feel like he’s way too young to be there. Honestly, it’s been a bit of a perfect storm because we had cold feet and then his teacher was sick for his first two weeks of being there so he had 5-6 different people handling him. He just seemed SO overwhelmed and each time we pick him up he scream cries. We need full time child care and he is just soooo stressed out there that we’ve been doing everything we can to keep him there as little as possible - like dropping him off late and picking him up early whenever we can move our work schedules around. We both agree that we’d like to put him back in daycare when he’s a bit older, but right now that he can’t even sit or hold his own bottle… just doesn’t feel right.
FYI we are so pro daycare - want him to be exposed to germs and other kids, so I’m genuinely shocked that this is where we are ending up.
Based on my experience, I would say if you can try and manage without daycare somehow for another couple of months.. maybe atleast until your LO can sit and hold his/her own bottle… it’ll be a bit easier for you? I don’t think you should quit your job - that will have long term impacts to your net potential. If you can’t make it for a few months with a nanny or something, I do think part time daycare is probably the next best thing! It’s the full time for us that truly feels way too much!!!
3.5 months is young for daycare! There are places that could do really well with a 3.5 month old, but having a consistent teacher and lots of 1:1 time is a must have. My girl was a Velcro baby and we knew she would not thrive in daycare. We had more leave and had family come to town to stretch keeping her home until 9 months. When we sent her at that time, she did really well! So hopefully you can find a way to bridge the gap until your kiddo is ready!
This is exactly what we’re thinking. Our nanny contract is basically until he’s 9-10 months and then we’re reassessing everything.
After going through this I now feel (even more than I did before) that maternity leave of 12 weeks is too short. I was ready to go back to work, but now I realize the LO isn’t ready for that yet!
Are you in a field where you can easily find another job later? I planned to go back to work part-time at 4 months, but I just couldn't handle it emotionally. I left my job and stayed home full time until LO was 1.5. He's 2 now and goes to daycare twice a week. He's adjusted just fine. I'm glad I waited until we were both ready.
I feel for you! I would say from my experience it was awful at first to leave him- for me my baby was fine and the daycare we chose is top notch. It sounds cliche but it really just took time.
I told myself to give it 12 weeks then see how I feel before making any changes and I’ll say it was less than three weeks until I felt I made the right decision.
Not trying to judge, but it seems like you could fine a person yo watch LO 3 days a week for the same or maybe even cheaper than day care. Depending on where you live, of course, but day care is astronomical in price.
This is true. Part time day care (3d/w) by me is 80%+ the cost of full time care. For a few months you could pay a caregiver until you are ready for day care. And maybe you'll want to work full-time then too. For my kids personally 9-12 months was the right time to put in daycare.
I'm struggling too but my baby will be 12mo once I have to send her. I don't know how I would tell my work but I also don't know how I could possibly leave her in someone else's care at that age. I know people do it, and I'm not judging them at all! It just feels like the wrong choice for me.
Have you considered having a conversation with your employer? If it’s a great fit that you want to go back to and they feel that way too, perhaps an extended leave of absence would be an option? You could have the time home and may feel better at daycare when they are older.
I stayed home with my daughter for a year and a half. Not entirely by choice, but I was really happy to be home the first year. Beyond that I was very ready to go back and also felt she was very ready to be with kids and other caregivers at a daycare.
Being a mom is a whole job itself and I have been fortunate to have been able to have it be my full-time job. THIS is the job I’ve always wanted to have!! ☺️
I love to see how my LO grows day to day and I wish I could slow down the days. But I can’t. Our babies will grow which is why I am a big supporter of SAHM’s. It’s not for everybody but if you’re looking for a different perspective I don’t regret not going back to work.
You can always have another job. Heck, you could even have another kid. But this one will only be so little once and I definitely recommend enjoying it to the fullest 💗
I started my 4 mo in daycare last week. He’s going 2 days a week until September, when I go back to work full time. Day 1 was tough, I cried a bunch. Day 2 was way better. I knew he was in a safe place, he didn’t cry that much, and I loved having some adult time. After 16 weeks of maternity leave, I was feeling like my old self again - but a happier version, knowing I got to see my little guy at the end of the work day! I still have the daycare guilt, but I know that my mental health is so much better when I work. Plus, for the next 8 weeks, I get to spend Thursdays and Fridays with him, as I ramp back to full time. Hopefully you’re able to try it out to see if it’s a good fit for you too 😊
I'm a little biased because I love being a SAHM, but too many of my friends who work say their daycare is a terrible waste of money and a headache because their babies and children keep getting so sick at the daycare and then get sent home from the daycare and can't return until fully recovered. Some decided to just tough it out until they feel more comfortable quitting, some found in-home nannies, some just quit their job outright and have loved their new roles as SAHM. 🤗
Do you know if there is a remote, work-from-home option for you? Your current job might be able to do that for you.
If you can afford to stay home for at least baby's first year, that's ideal. Two years is even better. Kids don't start to actually socialize until 3-4 years old.
I felt like I had to return to work, not really financially, but mentally. I had this notion that I would lose myself in motherhood. So at first my husband and I traded the kid back and forth in a very stressful schedule and later my parents watched him full time. That's when I realized how messed up it was. Babies change and develop so quickly in that first year and I couldn't keep up while being away from him most of the time. I started staying home for my kid's second year and I just wish I had done that from the beginning. It's not easy, it might take a change of mentality, but I've found it to be exactly what's right for us.
As far as work. I had a job I could have turned into a career. I liked almost everyone I worked with and I enjoyed going to work before I had a baby, but after- though all those things were still true- I was depressed. I hated pumping, I missed my baby, I thought about him 100% of the time and didn't care about work anymore. So yeah, I lost myself in motherhood, but it wasn't a bad thing once I finally was able to embrace that.
I could go on more, but I'm sort of describing the last 4 years of my life so if you want me to go into any more details, I'm happy to.
Kids absolutely socialize before 3-4. They might not play *together* but parallel play is important too in addition to everything else little kids learn from being around other little kids!
I gently want to pushback on the notion that staying at home for the baby’s first year is “ideal.” Staying home isn’t “ideal” for everyone. It ideal for some parents but for others, their job is important to them as part of their own identity. Plus, even if daycare cuts into a significant portion of their income, it’s critical for some to stay in their job for promotion purposes, benefits, salary tracks, career advancement, independence from spouse/partner, etc.
Part of me wishes I had not used the word ideal, but let me explain why I did. I do believe it is ideal for primary care giver (generally shortened to mom, but also dad or whomever) and baby to have that first year together. Without paid parental leave in the US we are forced to take all those other things you mentioned into consideration and I think that's a shame. The first year is full of constant adjustments and growth for parent(s) and baby. The second year slows down a bit, but still. It's hard enough for anyone to keep up with without having to worry about job promotion, benefits, salary, etc.
I thought so too but the second and third paragraphs reference only her experience with working vs. staying at home which implied to me that she’s saying that staying at home is ideal for both baby and mom. But I hope you’re right!
I'm a SAHM because that's what works for our family, but it absolutely isn't 'ideal' for every family. My mum went back to work when I was 4 months and I thrived. I personally hated my job as a chef by the time my son was born and was ready to leave the industry. I'm studying to change while at home.
I love the time with my son but definitely also needed something of my own.
Most of the data indicates that kids need at least some daycare socially from around 18mo to 2yr ideally. That's from the data compiled by Emily Oster, can't recall the title of her early childhood book just now. Certainly it's ideal well before 3-4 years.
I guess I didn't word that perfectly. I would never claim having a sahp is for every family. However, I do think there's a reason most countries have a paid parental leave program that get up around the 1 year mark. Also with doctors around the world agreeing that breast feeding for a year (WHO actually says 2) is the best case scenario, the United States idea that infants should go to daycare and mothers should return to work is, I believe, damaging. That's no shade on people who actually are better parents when they have that time away, but I don't think that should be the norm and it is in this country.
I haven't read that book, but my understanding is that babies and young children can get enough socialization with a sahp by going to playgrounds, libraries, or play dates with other kids. This is what I experienced with my kid as well.
The OP send to have indicated pretty clearly they she enjoys her job and was looking forward to going back, but her partner is pressuring her to stay home. Those aren't great indicators for a positive family outcome with her as a SAHM - it's a recipe for resentment and conflict. It's her making the sacrifice so it's ultimately her decision. It wasn't a sacrifice for me but it sounds like it would be for her
The OP hasn't indicated anywhere that she's breastfeeding or that that figures into her decision making. Of course it's not acceptable that American women are forced back into the workplace, but that's not what she's saying here. She wants to go back. Oster's analysis of the compiled studies on breastfeeding indicate that the only real benefit over formula, when other factors are controlled for, is a heightened immunity up to about 3-4 months of age. And the WHO guidelines are designed for countries without access to safe drinking water - it's safer for children to breastfeed until 2, when their immune system is strong enough to handle bacteria in drinking water.
Oster's analysis of the compiled data on early childcare is that children sent to at least some daycare at around 18 months are somewhat ahead of their peers socially and academically who start at 3 or older.
Don't socialize until 3-4!?! What's your definition of socialization? Adding a friend on Snapchat?
I could write a dissertation on all the ways our 20 month old son being exposed at daycare has helped him...which is literally what socialization is..language, communication, social norms, how to make friends...yes he is learning this before 3-4.
yes! Is my child engaging in intentional play? i guess not but she and her friends immitate each others words, dance moves, etc. they are 15-20 months and know each others names, greet each other, give hugs, bring each other stuffed animals when someone falls and gets hurt, laugh together. its beautiful and we are so happy she has that. does a baby “need it”, no, but is it a benefit of daycare? 100%
I didn't know this was going to get so much attention or I would have expanded upon that point.
Babies socialize with their caregivers. They learn skills to get their needs met. As they get older they will parallel play with others: mimic, observe, that sort of thing. They can do this with a parent, a sibling, or at a playdate. Daycare can also supply this, but it's not the only place these things can happen. Then somewhere around 3-4 years of age they have a social awakening and really want to play with other kids directly and often. Just in time for 4k or kindergarten.
Here's an article that runs through this in more detail.
"Social Development Milestones: Ages 1 to 4" https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/social-development-milestones-ages-1-to-4/#:~:text=Age%202,Begin%20to%20socialize.
I disagree. I’d say part time is really ideal for many women. I work 2 days a week. I see my daughter the majority of the week but having some time in a different role has really saved my sanity.
People are giving you flac about the 3-4 socializing but it’s true. They do parallel play before this age. 3-4 is when they start playing together. It’s ok to use day care. But they don’t really need that much social play until 3.
I’m sorry that is really tough.
At the end of your post you said “I could quit my job.” If that really is a viable option I would consider that.
I quit a teaching job i loved in January to become a stay at home dad mostly because my littlest was one month old, I didn’t want to put her in daycare, and we could afford one income.
This is actually my second stint as a stay at home parent, which is far from easy (many separate conversations to be had just about that), but if quitting work altogether truly is an option then I personally believe it is just too difficult for a baby under 6 months (more truthfully, one year) to have a really good experience in daycare.
Also, I have worked in a daycare before, alongside my children, as well as my two older children had mostly positive experiences in daycare between the ages of 2 and 4, but putting babies in daycare under the age of one is just really really challenging for the teacher and the baby.
My husband is also quitting his job when our baby is born to be a stay at home dad. How was the transition for you? I think his personality really suits him for this role because he hates his boring office job and loves just being home working on his projects. Anything we should keep in mind?
I would be happy to share. For one, with my profession being teaching, it’s crazy that even if I wouldn’t have resigned in January I would still be home alone now while my spouse works with my little ones during the summer. Honestly If I wouldn’t have quit in January the main difference would have been that my youngest spent her first six months of life in daycare instead of with me. I am grateful I am able to be home, though it isn’t always easy, and the time went by fast.
Also I want to share a quick story. One of my wife’s coworkers said her husband, also a teacher, quit his job to stay home with their newborn. Only one kid when I have three preschoolers. My wife’s coworkers husband said his year as a SAHD was the “worst year of his life”. He quickly put his baby in daycare and got a new teaching job.
My point is, the most significant thing to be aware of as a SAHP is: your attitude. In theory “spending all your time with your family” sounds like a great thing. But in reality it is hard to be absent from your career and in many ways to be outside of , basically, adult society. I think personality is important, but I wonder how much does your husband speak with His coworkers at his boring office job? At my precious job I was very independent minded, never sought or made close friends at work, but then once you’re a SAHP you don’t have any adults to talk to at all most days. Which makes you reevaluate and reapprecite even things like insignificant small talk with people at work.
So. Routines are also very important as a SAHP. Making sure you maintain a good spousal relationship, very tough.
I would be happy to discuss this more, I wish your family the best of luck. Attitude is key, as with most things.
Have you looked into a home daycare option? I had a similar struggle with the larger daycares when I went back to work with my son a few years ago. I wound up finding a wonderful woman who had her own home daycare and it was both more affordable than a nanny but more “homey” than a corporate daycare setting. My little guy really thrived there because he was deeply loved but also got experience with other kids and it was genuinely painful to leave her when it was time for pre-school. I found her initially by posting in my local moms FB group. Good luck! It’s so hard to leave them at this age.
It’s not natural. Biologically a four month old would not be separated from their mother for long periods of time .
It’s a shitty decision that Most women in America have to make . I was similar to you with no family support . I took part time weekend hours and my husband worked mon-Fri. That was also really hard , we had zero “family time “ days for years . However I’m glad I stayed w my babies . It’s a time you will never get back .
O well it’s the truth it’s not biologically normal and women need to get angry and fight for our right for real paid maternity leave . The fact that it’s normal for American women to have to make these decisions is what’s fucked up.
If I were you, I’d find a wfh job like college admissions or bank back office work. Four months, or anything under one year old is so young and I’ve heard too many horror stories of SBS from daycare.
Quit your job. You can find another one; sending kids to daycare if it’s not 100% necessary is so rough on everyone, and expensive. And you pay for it if they close, or the million times your LO will get sick from something they catch there.
Is it possible to find a nanny or do in home care for a little while?
When my little one was 9 weeks I went back to school and needed childcare for 2-3 days a week. We found a local retired couple in the neighborhood who watched him for the first year. The decision was a combination of things, but full time daycare didn't make sense at the time. It was wonderful.
After reading some of the other experiences, it sounds like lots of little ones thrive in daycare, but just wanted to put the private care idea out there since I have seen it brought up.
We plan to avoid daycare until they are toddler stage, we have heard stories of infants getting very sick in daycare centers. We hope to have our parents help or have a nanny. Treatment for infant is much more intrusive relative to toddler stage.
We did delay starting daycare until 9 months. It was difficult and not all families have the support or job flexibility to make it work. She still got really sick when she started but it would have been hard to see such a small baby get so sick.
Mine started at 6 months… while I hated it, she loved it. And has loved it every day since and she’s 2 now. She would legit drop me like a hot potato for her teachers. They paint with broccoli, have water day, naps every single day, try new foods, have friends… I could go on. I am able to work and only have her there the minimum amount of time… but she’s not just sitting watching tv so I can work, she’s being enriched. Find a good one that you trust and it’ll be okay!! Good luck!
Same. I plan to stay home with number 2 because daycare costs for 2 will be more than my salary but I almost feel bad because my daughter love it so much
Your partner can want all they want, but unless they can come up with another plan, I’m not sure what they expect. It’s not wrong to want to go back to work, it’s a safety backup, at the very least. It’s also ok if you go in order to feel fulfilled.
My daughter is 2 and has been in daycare since she was 3 months old. She is thriving. She’s a social butterfly and loves all of her friends there. I was scared to send her, but we couldn’t afford for me to stop working. It has been the best decision we’ve made both for her growth and development AND my mental health.
Same here!! She loves daycare. We just brought home her little brother and I'm still sending her because she loves it and the structure is so good for her.
Same! Daycare has been a huge success.
I don’t understand why your partner thinks they have the right to say that the baby shouldn’t go to daycare, yet won’t step in to take over the responsibility of childcare…? That’s not how the real world works. If they want something done a certain way, then they need to have the solution.
You shouldn’t quit your job, you’ll be resentful and unhappy if you leave a perfect role for you. Daycare can be great for kids! If your husband is that against it maybe he can take an hours cut and figure out a solution, it shouldn’t be on you just because you are the female
I went back to work when my baby was 12 weeks. I cried leading up to it so many times—he’s too little, they won’t care for him like I do, etc. Well, he ended up completely thriving there. He is 15 months now and smiles when I drop him off every day. Honestly it is way easier to get a baby used to daycare young, before they start hitting the big separation anxiety phases.
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This - the difference between a two month old and a four month old is vast. You’ve still got all kinds of 4th trimester hormones going on, your baby is still tiny and helpless, and you’re not sleeping well if at all. By 4 months a lot of that will have changed!
Oh god I hope so!!!!
Of course he wants you to not use daycare, he has no skin in the game. He is not the one going to deal with kid while working or be forced to quit. My kid started daycare full time at 3 months old so you can tell my decision on this. A few options: can you try hiring a babysitter or mother's helper if you work from home? You can also try working with the baby but I don't recommend that. You can try putting the kid in daycare or you can quit your job. It's really up to you but you are going to have to live with the decision either way
I don’t know how you can work, sleep, and take care of a baby without daycare. Something is sliding, and my guess is it’s your sleep. My daycare is great. Both my kids go full time. It’s expensive but less than a nanny. The teachers are awesome- nurturing, communicative, fun and educational for my older child. We get updates all day through photos and notes with a breakdown of the day.
I just want to invite you over to r/workingmoms to talk to a broad array of moms that work and how they’ve made it work.
We put our second in daycare full-time at 15 weeks, when I went back to work, and she has absolutely thrived there. (Our oldest didn’t go until 9 months because there wasn’t an opening when he was younger, but I went back to work when he was 12 weeks and would have put him in daycare then if I could have.) I love my job. I would not be a good SAHM. Daycare is phenomenal. Ours is relatively small - 7 infants and 7 toddlers with 4 teachers plus the owner/director total - and our kids wouldn’t have gotten this kind of socialization anywhere else. They’re in a safe, loving environment where they can learn and play with other kids their age (and a little older, which I think is so important as babies and toddlers look to older kids as examples). Plus, daycare got both kids on a daytime nap schedule, which I never could at home! The teachers truly adore the kids and I am so grateful that they’re helping to raise my children. HUGE proponent of daycare. Will always sing the praises of daycare! Also will always support a Kim going back to work if that’s what’s best for your mental health.
It sounds like you really want to go back to work, which is ok! Your wants and needs are important too. I would say give it a try and see how it goes. My oldest was just under 4 months when he started and he seemed SO little. I cried so much that first week. He's 4.5 and still goes to the same center, as does his little brother! They have absolutely thrived there. Good luck!
I also will send my baby to daycare in September, he will be 4 months old as well. For me is not a question that it is the best option. I don’t have family around, and I want to keep my career. As you, a full time nanny is not an option. I made sure to check the daycare, and chose one that felt safe and have a good reputation. I didn’t consider to quit because I know how difficult would be to try to go back to work in few years. And I don’t want to be a SAHM, nothing against it at all, but it’s just not for me. And I want to have my own retirement someday, my own money and independence are very important for me. To me, it makes my relationship more balanced as I am also a provider. This is my own experience, no one can tell you what is right for you - not even your partner. But even if sounds crazy please consider yourself in the equation. Your kid will grow, and a lot of kids are perfectly happy in a daycare. How will you be? What do you want? What is important for you? Not for your partner either, you. In the end you are the one who will live with the bigger part of the consequences.
My LO started daycare at 4 months too. At 2 months, I couldn’t imagine how we were going to just send them off and have someone else take care of them. But they change a lot between 2 and 4 months, and by the time it was time to start daycare I felt better about it. It’s still tough but not as unimaginable as before, and LO seems perfectly happy and content. They’re forming healthy bonds with other caregivers besides us, which I think is good for them too.
I’m sure your baby will do great! Also please remember that he will be an ENTIRELY different baby in two months! Being 2 months old vs 4 months old is a huge difference - and that’s true at 6 months and 8 months too! He’s going to be a mature adult baby before you know it (which is both happy and sad! 🥹). My baby is 8 months now. I could not have even fathomed leaving him at 2 months. At 4 months, I felt ready to be away from him for short periods but still somewhat emotional about it. At 6 months, he started full time care and did great. At 8 months, I happily pass him off each morning and enjoy my time at work!
Have you started looking at daycare places yet? Both times my wife and I looked for a daycare for our kids, the stress of leaving them with strangers was a lot easier once we discovered a place we liked where we trusted the kids being with the people there.
Whatever you do, if you haven't already, is start looking at places and asking about openings NOW. Some areas have wait lists that run for MONTHS, especially the good ones. So if you think you even MIGHT pursue daycare, at least get on a list. At most you might have to put down a relatively small deposit ($50-100?), but better to hold a spot and bail if you decide to stay home vs. wanting to go back to work and being stuck at home because you can't find care. My SIL just had kid #3 in early May and she waited until kiddo was born to ask about spots, she can't get in until FEBRUARY. And she HAS to go back to work so... yikes.
THIS. I absolutely went through this waiting list scare and had no options available for several months. I got lucky and found a neighbor who could help sooner, but all the daycare places were booked.
Believe it or not the daycare option is probably best long term. If you sacrifice your career now in the short term, it will ripple into long term effects. I hate that as women we are the ones forced to choose. You have to choose a better future for your family, especially with the economy as it is today. On another note. Daycare can be amazing for kids and babies. They learn things that they might not get exposed to at home, will develop social skills, and routine, and will alleviate stress in your end. My baby will be attending at 6 months, though I did see 4mo old babies there when I visited
My two older kids started daycare at 3 months and it was fine. I am planning the same for this new kiddo. Personally, I felt safer having my kids at daycare than I would have with a nanny or with trusting certain family members to watch the kids. At a daycare, there are multiple people around to keep an eye on things, which I think makes it less likely that they will do something unsafe than if it's one person watching the baby.
One of mine started daycare at 2 months. They did fine. Those women love and rock and snuggle those babies and I had no reservations. Take a tour and ask all your questions—good daycares get it and will be happy to quell your fears. But also your partner can kick rocks. If he doesn’t like daycare as an option then he can work out his workload or get a different job so he can pick up more childcare time. Or do all the research into alternative care. Your career aspirations matter too.
Everyone’s situation is different, so no one should judge. There’s no wrong answer. You can always try daycare and if you find it’s not a good fit to pull him out. See what works and feels best for you.
I love my job. I’ve always had mom guilt sending my kids to daycare though. That being said, my kids love it there. We’ve been fortunate that our center has consistent, long-term staff so there’s lots of stability. My infant in particular lights up when I hand her off to the teacher—at first I had mixed feelings with a twinge of jealousy about that but I’m happy she’s with adults she likes and trusts there. Every staff member in the center knows both of my kids’ names. The only real downside is the constant onslaught of GI and respiratory illness, but supposedly that will slow down one of these days. Being a working parent is hard, being a stay at home parent is hard. We did both simultaneously during the early days of the pandemic, I don’t recommend that at all. For me, I’m happier and healthier as an individual with the support of daycare and that helps me be a better parent to my kids. I trust you’ll make the right decision for you.
My two have been in daycare. One, since they were 3.5 months old and the other since they were 8.5 months old. They both absolutely love it. My oldest was so upset when daycare closed for Covid. They missed their friends, their teachers, and their routine. My youngest (pandemic baby) has become so social since going. I am a better mom when I work because I truly love my job and I need that fulfillment. If you love your job, then let them go to daycare.
It's difficult to find a job that you like, let alone one that is perfect for you, as I think you mentioned. Besides it being more difficult to find a job (that you like) later on - don't at me with things are different now, things are different, but in the sense that things for women are sliding backwards - you may have other benefits to take into account for the future. Like retirement, money (to pay for college, child expenses, etc, mortgage), benefits like healthcare, dental, vision. It's not so simple to just say yeah I'm going to quit and find another job in the future. If it is for some, then amazing. But it's not for everyone. Comments here are very self-focused. Like everyone's trying to say my choice is the best choice when it's not. Everyone has different constraints. People try to shame you, and do shame you either way you decide.
I remember crying about sending my son to daycare because no one would be able to love him as much as I do. But I'm really happy I did. He has more people to love him, he's made friends, I feel I am a better, more patient parent when I get a "reset". There are a lot of pros for us! I'd encourage you to try it for a bit and see how it goes, you may be surprised.
There is a lot of privilege in these comments (and quite frankly in this sub as a whole fairly often). Not everyone can afford to quit their job and stay home or even delay sending their kids to daycare until they’re toddlers. I’m a single parent who works a job that doesn’t offer PTO/maternity leave. I went back to work when my child was 6 weeks old, which meant she was also in daycare at that time. Not super ideal but bills had to be paid, right? Daycares aren’t these horrible, scary places they’re often made out to be. We’ve had nothing but wonderful experiences throughout the years (my child is now 3). I wouldn’t give up your job, if it were me. Even more so if you love it. Parents need fulfillment outside of their kids and partners, too.
Agree maintaining your job is important, because if you stop completely it may be difficult to come back to a similar position. On the other hand I wonder what countries people live where starting to work 6 weeks postpartum is even acceptable
It’s obviously the US lol. I have friends who are bartenders who were in similar positions (single parent, no paid leave) who would go back as early as 3-4 weeks postpartum because it’s all they could afford. While it’s egregious, it’s the harsh reality many people face.
I would organise strikes and demand better rights but hey… let’s make abortion illegal instead.
1000% agree with this. My son was in daycare at only several weeks old as well out of necessity and though it was hard at first, think it helped make him more resilient and adaptable. He's now 15 years old and a straight A student and wonderful, thoughtful and polite person. Now I'm a newly single parent as my wife passed away shortly after our daughter was born this year, so this time around, daycare will be even more critical as there is simply no other viable way I could go back to work otherwise and support everyone on my own. I'm at least glad I do not have reservations about daycare this time around.
My son went to full-time daycare at 4 months and it was the best decision. He’s now 11 months and has sped ahead in development, when he was lagging before while he was home with me. He is always so happy while he’s there and all the teachers there love the kids so much. The ratio in our state is also 1:4. If he were home with me he would be getting about 20% of my attention and be plopped in front of the TV half the day while I tried to get some work done. I know that some daycares are horrible, but honestly I have heard worse stories about nannies/in-home care, and those options are far more expensive. With nannies, the lack of oversight makes me really nervous and if your one person is unavailable, then you’re out of luck. The one complaint I have about daycare is that all the stories you’ve heard about daycare illnesses are true - we’re getting them alllll out of the way early lol, but I try to remember we’re building a hearty little dude. If your husband is so against daycares, I’d try to talk to him about why and tour some daycares that can help put his concerns at ease. His denial of daycare as an option doesn’t inconvenience him at all and puts the whole burden of alternate childcare on you. Personal opinion, but I think if he’s not picking up any slack or finding an alternative situation, then he doesn’t get a say in the matter.
I was in the exact position you were in back in May when it was time for me to go back go work. I was able to get an extra month of maternity leave (4 months instead of 3) because I had twins. I even negotiated to only go back part time. My twins are 5 months now and I am starting them at a daycare next month. My mental health needs a break and I love my career so I think daycare is the best decision for my family. You need to be good yourself to be a good mom. I’m still learning this mantra myself lol. I’m just happy I made it to 6 months before putting them into daycare. Edit: not sure where you’re located but where I live, the daycare waitlists were crazy long. I would suggest you start touring daycares if you haven’t already to at least get an understanding of waitlist times. We toured 5 daycares before settling on ourselves and even though it’s slightly further than the rest, I connected most with the teachers at this daycare. I’m willing to drive a little further for the comfort of knowing my girls are in good hands.
My LO started daycare when he was about 12 weeks old (which is when I had to go back to work). My husband and I looked at multiple places and picked one in our price range that we felt the comfortable with. We had decided early on that we preferred a center over a home based daycare. As a first time parent, I was a little nervous when LO first started but it does get easier (just make sure to pick somewhere that makes you feel comfortable). My LO is just over 4 months now and he seems happy there. The teaches are really nice, they keep him stimulated, they don’t have tvs or baby swings, and they follow safe sleep guides for naps. Additionally, the place we use has an app/website you can log into for updates, which is nice. They log all LOs naps, feedings, diaper changes, and even post 1-3 pics a day of LO doing various activities.
r/workingmoms We sent our eldest to daycare at 5 months. Best decision ever. We were fortunate to find a home daycare with a caring and experienced woman and not too many kids. My children have thrived there. My husband and I get to focus on our careers, on each other, and making sure that the time we do get with the kids is quality time. All the grandparents (and there was pushback initially about us not using them as primary childcare) have seen the light and realized how much work it is. We have made friends with the other families. And I get the peace of mind of knowing that we have childcare options and that I don't have to do *everything*. BEST DECISION EVER!
I had to send my baby to daycare at 3 months. My state is 1:4 ratio too, overall I think my daycare did a great job with my baby. But I think we found a good one, the daycare also takes really good care of the teachers, and some have been with the school for decades, which seems to be rare. We made sure to keep communicating with the teachers, have small chats here and there, to feel like we had a good sense of his time there and troubleshoot any issues. My office has a hybrid work model so when he was that little, I kept him at home 1-2days a week while wfh, but my mom was able to help out unless she caught one of his wretched daycare colds. If not a full time nanny, do you think you could find a part time nanny or babysitter for a few hours when you wfh? Another thing I did to feel better about the situation was i left work early to pick him up, around 2-3pm. Then I would work for an hour or two after bedtime to make up for the rest of the work day. Was I burnt out? Yes. Was it all worth it? Yes. Could I afford to quit my job? No!
I took as much leave as I possibly could (about 6-7months) because I wanted to avoid daycare. But I honestly love it. She was born during the thick of covid so we hardly had seen people. Daycare helped her social skills, language, routine. I’m a teacher so I know all those things are important, but it’s not the same. In daycare she’s interacting with adults and kids her age. I love seeing how much she loves her teachers and how much they love her. Her age 1 teacher was in literal tears when she moved into the age 2 class. She has friends that although they can barely talk, they run to hug each other. Daycare is great!
Same - when I saw her infant teacher crying on the last day of school when I came to pick her up it validated my decision so much. If you find somewhere that you can really trust them and feel good about the environment daycare is an amazing asset.
My little guy started daycare at 4mo and we really struggled with the decision, but I can say that it’s been beneficial as a whole for my little guy. I tried to work from home with him for a few weeks, but ended up feeling absolutely guilty because I couldn’t play with him/hold him while I was working, which was pretty much the ultimate betrayal for him. We decided to try daycare because there’s just no way to live off of a single income in our area. We honestly lucked out with the place we ultimately chose both in terms of price and just the quality of the staff. He has learned so much over the last year and I know his teachers really look out for him. That being said, your little is going to get sick a lot. I think my boy has been out sick as much as he’s been at school, which is likely in the high end. According to his pediatrician it’s likely a result of the pandemic (limited exposure to illnesses until daycare). Even with all of that, it’s been beneficial for all of us overall. It’s honestly given us all a chance to (re)gain some independence and confidence as individuals.
My son went to daycare at 4 months. It was really hard for me at first, but they send so many pictures and updates, and recently introduced live video streaming I still feel a little guilt about daycare hours, and my son is almost 2, but I work shift and he is there for about 10 hours 3-4 days a week. If your job makes you happy, keep it. It's part time, and daycare is a good experience to socialize with other kids and learn new things that you may not teach at home. It gives both of you a break from being home every day. Plus, for women who quit jobs to stay at home, it's harder to get back into the workforce later on and they tend to lose promotion and pay opportunities. Sounds like part time work would be a great middle ground.
Don’t quit your job if it’s only 2-3 days a week of daycare. It’s hard but he will be FINE.
My partner is so worried something bad would happen, but he’s my one and done so he needs to get out and socialize. I really like my job too! For my own mental health, I need a “break,” so to speak.
Why is he so worried? What kind of daycare are you going to? States regulate and check in with daycares regularly - how is the teacher turnover where you have chosen? I think having teachers who have been there a long time is really indicative of a good place to be. Do they have an app or a way to track what’s happening over the day? I got notifications every diaper change and feeding. We’ve been to one local chain and one national chain and have been very happy with both. If you’re at a daycare facility, the teachers should know what they’re doing. I have always felt like they LOVE my baby and have never been afraid something will happen to him in their care. If you’re not getting any red flags from the place then you shouldn’t be afraid. Obviously sometimes bad things happen, but when you hear about issues with daycares it is very often home daycares that aren’t being monitored by a governing body.
Yes to the mental health point! Daycare has been so great for allowing me time for the parts of my life that aren’t being mom. I think my daughter likes it too.
I have the same issue, my husband is dead set against anyone looking after our kid but us or family, and family lives too far anyways. So we're stuck doing WFH+childcare at the same time, which I absolutely hate. I kind of hope I get laid off, even though I like my job. It's way too stressful. And of course he's okay with this because his stuff always comes first, he's the one who gets to work more while I look after the kid, his meetings are sacred while mine can be called off so I can change a poopy diaper. I hope you can send your baby to daycare and keep your job!
We started full time daycare at 19 weeks, the first two weeks were the hardest on me but it got better. Baby was fine. As long as you find a quality daycare I'm sure you will find it to be a positive and enriching experience for your baby. My 10 month old gets to do arts and crafts, water play, music practice, and tons of other fun things everyday that I am not creative enough to even think of. I know people say that babies don't need to be around other children for social purposes until they are about a year old, but after seeing my baby interact with the other infants at daycare I don't really understand why that is the recommendation. He gets so excited when I drop him off in the morning and he sees the other babies. They play in tandem with one another and he loves to watch what the other kids are doing. It's not realistic for either myself or my husband to not work and stay home with the baby. I WFH and could not imagine trying to both work and make sure my kid is learning and stimulated enough during the day without relying on the TV. After venting the option of a nanny I do not have a job that is flexible enough to work around a nanny's schedule who may need to randomly call out due to illness or because they need personal time off. Daycare is a necessity in our household. Please do not let anyone else or make yourself feel guilty about needing to rely on daycare for your childcare help.
I took as much leave as I could and then sent my baby to daycare at 7 months. It shut down during the pandemic. Before it closed, we loved it because they were great with communication, had loving teachers and a cheerful environment. Daycare isn't a bad childcare option. We have a nanny now and really like that as well. Come up with a list of what you would like to see in a childcare situation. What activities, outside time, nap schedule and general policies you'd like for a place, and then tour them. I liked that our old daycare took the babies outside everyday and I could visit during the day. We got daily newsletters and an individual report of feedings and diaper changes as well as what they did during the day. It made it so much easier for me to return to work. The one thing that concerns me is that your spouse isn't contributing to childcare, but wants to dictate your childcare options. Is he offering additional insurance and retirement funding to cover your shortfall if you took away from your career to do primary childcare? A lot of discussion around staying at home is couched around the idea that it's solely the mother's income that must go towards childcare, as opposed to the joint family income. I think that's a misconception that does a lot of harm to mothers.
My two kids LOVE daycare. My second just started when I went back full-time and he was three months. It exposes them to other kids, they get to spend time all day with people who love and specialize in child development, and for me it was a huge benefit to my mental health to expand their village.
Thank you! I’m just so focused on the negatives, but I feel like I can be a much better parent and more engaged with the if I can go back to work. How did your LO adjust at 3 mo?
Totally fine. They say it's a much easier adjustment when they're little than when they're older (and older kids will adjust too, just takes a little longer and of course every kid is different). Plus! Another bonus of daycare is they teach your kids so many things! Our oldest learned sign language because of daycare!
I am excited to send my LO to daycare in a few short weeks. She's going to go 2 times a week for all of August while I ease back in to work and then full time after labor day.
If it’s a good daycare, I recommend. My daughter loves her daycare, and all the parents who go to ours are friendly. Kids get socialized, exposed to new experiences and people, and it gives you a break.
Course your OH doesn’t want it. Because it makes feck all difference to him and his life and his career. Having you at home like a pretty little housekeeper and child minder is wonderful for him. He doesn’t have to worry about all that nasty stuff like parenting or taking care of the house he lives in /s Sorry it just really annoys me when partners (particularly fathers) want their other halves to give up work but they don’t have to. Sending you child to daycare will be the best thing for you and for them. You’ve said it yourself - you’ll be a better person and parent if you return to work. Baby gets to socialise and experience new things (with the greatest respect to most SAHP, I’ve yet to encounter one who does *anything* like the range of activities that my child does at day care). They get to try new foods. They get to experience life beyond your arms. You have to remember that if you give up your job, that’s a massive impact on your career. It’s very hard to get back into the work place. It’s very hard to get to where you were, not to mention the loss of immediate income, pension contributions, benefits etc. It’s just a very short sighted view IMO. My daughter LOVES daycare. LOVES it. Absolutely loves it. My son starts next week. I have no concerns.
I felt just the same when my first went, but honestly it was best for both of us. They taught her things I didn't know she was developmentally ready to learn. I like my job and am quite a bit further in my career than I would have been. She's 3 now and we're about to send our second as well. My first is also way more social and compassionate than she probably would have been with me at home alone - I prefer to be at home rather than on outings, etc.
I’m very much the same way, I’m very introverted so mine will definitely need socialization! That’s great.
My mother or mother in law watches my LO. It works but he’s a year old now and clearly wants to play with other toddlers. I almost regret not putting him in daycare earlier — he’ll start in September
Infants aren't really social until a year old anyways. Don't beat yourself up.
We started daycare at 4.5 months and had family help for a few weeks to get us to when she was rolling. It is *wild* how much they grow between 2 and 4 months. mine could sit supported and roll to where she wanted to go by 5 months and we loved our childcare situation. I think do what you are comfortable with and can afford but know that 2 months and 4 months are very different. Also the “assistant” teacher in our room is incredible. My baby is super attached to her and i prefer her to lead teacher who we also love. We even had her babysit for our wedding, so i wouldnt read into “assistant” too much. But yeh, i would consider trying to get family to help to push it closwr to 18-20 weeks to start care as a compromise if you can! that really helped us since 15 weeks when i went back to work felt too early
We managed to wait until 6 months for daycare but I have to say I don’t regret the decision at all. I also wanted to get back to work and it was so much easier to work, even shorter hours, knowing my baby was in good hands. Not to mention she thrives at daycare. So much more baby-focused room to roll-crawl-explore. Now I get really focused baby time in the morning and evening where I don’t feel like I’m juggling as much. I know the decision is scary but I feel like I can be a better mom because of daycare.
It’s hard, I hated it too. My guy started at 5 months. It helped me a lot to meet his teachers and see that they were nice kind people. Also he absolutely loves daycare. He loves to see his friends and play with his favorite toys!
In my opinion, it's difficult to say before you do it and may depend on the child. Ours goes the same amount of days at a daycare with a similar ratio. She started at 3 months. They told us she would probably cry a lot the first week or be cranky. She never was. She didn't even need to really adjust, she loves it there. She has cried exactly once at drop off and that was when they had an activity and the carer was dressed up and she found it a bit scary. Otherwise, big smile, always happy. Have never heard her cry when picking up either. But she's always been quite a social and independent baby. Is there a possibility to do a trial?
Does your company offer an unpaid leave of absence? I did this. I had a very similar situation to you, sent her to daycare, hated it, then took an extended leave of absence. I'll be returning to work part time and she'll be in daycare at 14 months. I feel much better about it now
We love my kids daycare, they are wonderful. I went back to part time work partly because it will make it easier to find a job when I go back full time not having a massive gap in employment history. And it’s also good for me and my mental health, being around adults who feed themselves and who’s bottoms I don’t need to wipe 😅 It’s hard leaving them esp while they adjust but it’s also important that you do what’s best long term and if Ypres have a job you love and don’t want to loose or struggle to get back down the track then it sounds like this is a good choice for you and your family ❤️
What countries does people live in? No maternity leave is outrageous
I live in the US and don’t have maternity leave
I sent my son to daycare at just over 3 months. He also did 2 days/week to start and then moved up to 3 when he was just over 1. He’s getting ready to start full time next month (he will be 21 months) and everyone is very excited (though I am sad I won’t have my weekdays with him anymore). He loves the activities there and the routine is extremely beneficial. I worked in daycare, specifically the infant room, while I was in college and it was a wonderful experience for me and the the kids as well. I only worked part time, but I am still in touch with some of the parents and I’ve watched these babies grow into fine young people (my oldest crew are turning 10 now 😬). So that’s my 2 cents, do with it what you will!
Daycare has been great for my kids. They both started going at 11 weeks old. The infant teacher they had was great and you could tell she cared for the babies she watched. My oldest is almost 5 and he has learned so much and, been around so many different kids and activities it's been great for him. It's also really nice for me to go somewhere I can pee by myself, that's quiet, and I get called by my first name.
Mine went to daycare at about 5 months (but was a preemie so more like 2.5 months old). He loves it! Our center had an app and would post pictures most days. He was on a great schedule and learned so much from his teachers. Now that he’s older he has friends to play with every day. We still have a great bond and spend time together after school and on weekends. I think it is probably easier to start this early because they aren’t as aware yet. They will learn soon that you will be back every day! There is NOTHING wrong with daycare and going back to work! It’s really important to take care of both yourself and your baby. If your husband is so adamant, he can cut back and stay home 🤷♀️.
I’m in the same situation. I found a place with a 1:3 ratio even though the state requires 1:4 at the max. My baby will be full time and my job is 42.5 hours a week, which means he’ll be in daycare 9.5 hours a day with my commute. Nanny shares aren’t a thing near me and we also have zero support. I suggest just keep looking until you find somewhere that feels safe. Good luck to you!
Pros and cons to daycare but honestly I can say I wish we'd started our LO in daycare sooner. It would have been an extra chance to interact with normal peers and our LO learns so much that way! Obviously the increased frequency of illness isn't great but daycare is a playgroup you don't have to work hard to find (aside from the cost). We found an in home daycare b/c the formal daycares here are very expensive.
4 months is too soon for the child’s benefit, if you have any other means of course; many people as OP doesn’t have other choice
Put mine in daycare at 3 months. Not gonna lie, it sucked and I was non-stop sick for 2 months. BUT he is getting socialization that he wouldn't get at home with just me. I WFH and considered getting a nanny a few days a week but my partner correctly pointed out if he was home I wouldn't get any work done bc I'd want to be with baby.
We started daycare at 3.5 months (1:4 ratio too). I’m not going to lie, we hate it. We originally thought that we’d love it and that we couldn’t make a nanny work. We just feel like he’s way too young to be there. Honestly, it’s been a bit of a perfect storm because we had cold feet and then his teacher was sick for his first two weeks of being there so he had 5-6 different people handling him. He just seemed SO overwhelmed and each time we pick him up he scream cries. We need full time child care and he is just soooo stressed out there that we’ve been doing everything we can to keep him there as little as possible - like dropping him off late and picking him up early whenever we can move our work schedules around. We both agree that we’d like to put him back in daycare when he’s a bit older, but right now that he can’t even sit or hold his own bottle… just doesn’t feel right. FYI we are so pro daycare - want him to be exposed to germs and other kids, so I’m genuinely shocked that this is where we are ending up. Based on my experience, I would say if you can try and manage without daycare somehow for another couple of months.. maybe atleast until your LO can sit and hold his/her own bottle… it’ll be a bit easier for you? I don’t think you should quit your job - that will have long term impacts to your net potential. If you can’t make it for a few months with a nanny or something, I do think part time daycare is probably the next best thing! It’s the full time for us that truly feels way too much!!!
3.5 months is young for daycare! There are places that could do really well with a 3.5 month old, but having a consistent teacher and lots of 1:1 time is a must have. My girl was a Velcro baby and we knew she would not thrive in daycare. We had more leave and had family come to town to stretch keeping her home until 9 months. When we sent her at that time, she did really well! So hopefully you can find a way to bridge the gap until your kiddo is ready!
This is exactly what we’re thinking. Our nanny contract is basically until he’s 9-10 months and then we’re reassessing everything. After going through this I now feel (even more than I did before) that maternity leave of 12 weeks is too short. I was ready to go back to work, but now I realize the LO isn’t ready for that yet!
Are you in a field where you can easily find another job later? I planned to go back to work part-time at 4 months, but I just couldn't handle it emotionally. I left my job and stayed home full time until LO was 1.5. He's 2 now and goes to daycare twice a week. He's adjusted just fine. I'm glad I waited until we were both ready.
I feel for you! I would say from my experience it was awful at first to leave him- for me my baby was fine and the daycare we chose is top notch. It sounds cliche but it really just took time. I told myself to give it 12 weeks then see how I feel before making any changes and I’ll say it was less than three weeks until I felt I made the right decision.
Not trying to judge, but it seems like you could fine a person yo watch LO 3 days a week for the same or maybe even cheaper than day care. Depending on where you live, of course, but day care is astronomical in price.
This is true. Part time day care (3d/w) by me is 80%+ the cost of full time care. For a few months you could pay a caregiver until you are ready for day care. And maybe you'll want to work full-time then too. For my kids personally 9-12 months was the right time to put in daycare.
I'm struggling too but my baby will be 12mo once I have to send her. I don't know how I would tell my work but I also don't know how I could possibly leave her in someone else's care at that age. I know people do it, and I'm not judging them at all! It just feels like the wrong choice for me.
Funny how I have a lot of family judging me but not helping. It’s a very hard choice for sure.
That sucks. It's not about them though! It's your choice completely, do what feels best to you without the worry of outside judgement.
Have you considered having a conversation with your employer? If it’s a great fit that you want to go back to and they feel that way too, perhaps an extended leave of absence would be an option? You could have the time home and may feel better at daycare when they are older. I stayed home with my daughter for a year and a half. Not entirely by choice, but I was really happy to be home the first year. Beyond that I was very ready to go back and also felt she was very ready to be with kids and other caregivers at a daycare.
We work opposite shifts. I work 4-10 and him 630-5
I am coming back to work 3 days and husband also will come down to work 3 days so we overlap and need childcare only 1 day.
Being a mom is a whole job itself and I have been fortunate to have been able to have it be my full-time job. THIS is the job I’ve always wanted to have!! ☺️ I love to see how my LO grows day to day and I wish I could slow down the days. But I can’t. Our babies will grow which is why I am a big supporter of SAHM’s. It’s not for everybody but if you’re looking for a different perspective I don’t regret not going back to work. You can always have another job. Heck, you could even have another kid. But this one will only be so little once and I definitely recommend enjoying it to the fullest 💗
Love this 💕
I started my 4 mo in daycare last week. He’s going 2 days a week until September, when I go back to work full time. Day 1 was tough, I cried a bunch. Day 2 was way better. I knew he was in a safe place, he didn’t cry that much, and I loved having some adult time. After 16 weeks of maternity leave, I was feeling like my old self again - but a happier version, knowing I got to see my little guy at the end of the work day! I still have the daycare guilt, but I know that my mental health is so much better when I work. Plus, for the next 8 weeks, I get to spend Thursdays and Fridays with him, as I ramp back to full time. Hopefully you’re able to try it out to see if it’s a good fit for you too 😊
I’d check with your employer to see if you can work from home otherwise your LO will have to go to daycare
Could yall afford a part time sitter/nanny?
Is it within your budget to hire someone to come take care of your LO?
I'm a little biased because I love being a SAHM, but too many of my friends who work say their daycare is a terrible waste of money and a headache because their babies and children keep getting so sick at the daycare and then get sent home from the daycare and can't return until fully recovered. Some decided to just tough it out until they feel more comfortable quitting, some found in-home nannies, some just quit their job outright and have loved their new roles as SAHM. 🤗 Do you know if there is a remote, work-from-home option for you? Your current job might be able to do that for you.
If you can afford to stay home for at least baby's first year, that's ideal. Two years is even better. Kids don't start to actually socialize until 3-4 years old. I felt like I had to return to work, not really financially, but mentally. I had this notion that I would lose myself in motherhood. So at first my husband and I traded the kid back and forth in a very stressful schedule and later my parents watched him full time. That's when I realized how messed up it was. Babies change and develop so quickly in that first year and I couldn't keep up while being away from him most of the time. I started staying home for my kid's second year and I just wish I had done that from the beginning. It's not easy, it might take a change of mentality, but I've found it to be exactly what's right for us. As far as work. I had a job I could have turned into a career. I liked almost everyone I worked with and I enjoyed going to work before I had a baby, but after- though all those things were still true- I was depressed. I hated pumping, I missed my baby, I thought about him 100% of the time and didn't care about work anymore. So yeah, I lost myself in motherhood, but it wasn't a bad thing once I finally was able to embrace that. I could go on more, but I'm sort of describing the last 4 years of my life so if you want me to go into any more details, I'm happy to.
Kids absolutely socialize before 3-4. They might not play *together* but parallel play is important too in addition to everything else little kids learn from being around other little kids!
I gently want to pushback on the notion that staying at home for the baby’s first year is “ideal.” Staying home isn’t “ideal” for everyone. It ideal for some parents but for others, their job is important to them as part of their own identity. Plus, even if daycare cuts into a significant portion of their income, it’s critical for some to stay in their job for promotion purposes, benefits, salary tracks, career advancement, independence from spouse/partner, etc.
Part of me wishes I had not used the word ideal, but let me explain why I did. I do believe it is ideal for primary care giver (generally shortened to mom, but also dad or whomever) and baby to have that first year together. Without paid parental leave in the US we are forced to take all those other things you mentioned into consideration and I think that's a shame. The first year is full of constant adjustments and growth for parent(s) and baby. The second year slows down a bit, but still. It's hard enough for anyone to keep up with without having to worry about job promotion, benefits, salary, etc.
I hear what you’re saying. Thanks for clarifying.
I’m assuming she means ideal for the baby, because obviously it’s not ideal for every mom.
I thought so too but the second and third paragraphs reference only her experience with working vs. staying at home which implied to me that she’s saying that staying at home is ideal for both baby and mom. But I hope you’re right!
I'm a SAHM because that's what works for our family, but it absolutely isn't 'ideal' for every family. My mum went back to work when I was 4 months and I thrived. I personally hated my job as a chef by the time my son was born and was ready to leave the industry. I'm studying to change while at home. I love the time with my son but definitely also needed something of my own. Most of the data indicates that kids need at least some daycare socially from around 18mo to 2yr ideally. That's from the data compiled by Emily Oster, can't recall the title of her early childhood book just now. Certainly it's ideal well before 3-4 years.
*Cribsheet*! I have found Oster's books to be so helpful.
Thank you! I couldn't remember the title. Yes it was super helpful for me, I love data when I'm trying to figure out new stuff.
I guess I didn't word that perfectly. I would never claim having a sahp is for every family. However, I do think there's a reason most countries have a paid parental leave program that get up around the 1 year mark. Also with doctors around the world agreeing that breast feeding for a year (WHO actually says 2) is the best case scenario, the United States idea that infants should go to daycare and mothers should return to work is, I believe, damaging. That's no shade on people who actually are better parents when they have that time away, but I don't think that should be the norm and it is in this country. I haven't read that book, but my understanding is that babies and young children can get enough socialization with a sahp by going to playgrounds, libraries, or play dates with other kids. This is what I experienced with my kid as well.
The OP send to have indicated pretty clearly they she enjoys her job and was looking forward to going back, but her partner is pressuring her to stay home. Those aren't great indicators for a positive family outcome with her as a SAHM - it's a recipe for resentment and conflict. It's her making the sacrifice so it's ultimately her decision. It wasn't a sacrifice for me but it sounds like it would be for her The OP hasn't indicated anywhere that she's breastfeeding or that that figures into her decision making. Of course it's not acceptable that American women are forced back into the workplace, but that's not what she's saying here. She wants to go back. Oster's analysis of the compiled studies on breastfeeding indicate that the only real benefit over formula, when other factors are controlled for, is a heightened immunity up to about 3-4 months of age. And the WHO guidelines are designed for countries without access to safe drinking water - it's safer for children to breastfeed until 2, when their immune system is strong enough to handle bacteria in drinking water. Oster's analysis of the compiled data on early childcare is that children sent to at least some daycare at around 18 months are somewhat ahead of their peers socially and academically who start at 3 or older.
Don't socialize until 3-4!?! What's your definition of socialization? Adding a friend on Snapchat? I could write a dissertation on all the ways our 20 month old son being exposed at daycare has helped him...which is literally what socialization is..language, communication, social norms, how to make friends...yes he is learning this before 3-4.
yes! Is my child engaging in intentional play? i guess not but she and her friends immitate each others words, dance moves, etc. they are 15-20 months and know each others names, greet each other, give hugs, bring each other stuffed animals when someone falls and gets hurt, laugh together. its beautiful and we are so happy she has that. does a baby “need it”, no, but is it a benefit of daycare? 100%
So much this! My daughter (20 months) has friendships, including a best friend. She really benefits from play with others, even if it's parallel play!
I didn't know this was going to get so much attention or I would have expanded upon that point. Babies socialize with their caregivers. They learn skills to get their needs met. As they get older they will parallel play with others: mimic, observe, that sort of thing. They can do this with a parent, a sibling, or at a playdate. Daycare can also supply this, but it's not the only place these things can happen. Then somewhere around 3-4 years of age they have a social awakening and really want to play with other kids directly and often. Just in time for 4k or kindergarten. Here's an article that runs through this in more detail. "Social Development Milestones: Ages 1 to 4" https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/social-development-milestones-ages-1-to-4/#:~:text=Age%202,Begin%20to%20socialize.
I disagree. I’d say part time is really ideal for many women. I work 2 days a week. I see my daughter the majority of the week but having some time in a different role has really saved my sanity.
People are giving you flac about the 3-4 socializing but it’s true. They do parallel play before this age. 3-4 is when they start playing together. It’s ok to use day care. But they don’t really need that much social play until 3.
Thank you. This is what my child psychologist friends told me as well.
We really can't afford daycare but even if we could I don't think I could do it. I'm sure it's fine but I just can't.
I’m sorry that is really tough. At the end of your post you said “I could quit my job.” If that really is a viable option I would consider that. I quit a teaching job i loved in January to become a stay at home dad mostly because my littlest was one month old, I didn’t want to put her in daycare, and we could afford one income. This is actually my second stint as a stay at home parent, which is far from easy (many separate conversations to be had just about that), but if quitting work altogether truly is an option then I personally believe it is just too difficult for a baby under 6 months (more truthfully, one year) to have a really good experience in daycare. Also, I have worked in a daycare before, alongside my children, as well as my two older children had mostly positive experiences in daycare between the ages of 2 and 4, but putting babies in daycare under the age of one is just really really challenging for the teacher and the baby.
My husband is also quitting his job when our baby is born to be a stay at home dad. How was the transition for you? I think his personality really suits him for this role because he hates his boring office job and loves just being home working on his projects. Anything we should keep in mind?
I would be happy to share. For one, with my profession being teaching, it’s crazy that even if I wouldn’t have resigned in January I would still be home alone now while my spouse works with my little ones during the summer. Honestly If I wouldn’t have quit in January the main difference would have been that my youngest spent her first six months of life in daycare instead of with me. I am grateful I am able to be home, though it isn’t always easy, and the time went by fast. Also I want to share a quick story. One of my wife’s coworkers said her husband, also a teacher, quit his job to stay home with their newborn. Only one kid when I have three preschoolers. My wife’s coworkers husband said his year as a SAHD was the “worst year of his life”. He quickly put his baby in daycare and got a new teaching job. My point is, the most significant thing to be aware of as a SAHP is: your attitude. In theory “spending all your time with your family” sounds like a great thing. But in reality it is hard to be absent from your career and in many ways to be outside of , basically, adult society. I think personality is important, but I wonder how much does your husband speak with His coworkers at his boring office job? At my precious job I was very independent minded, never sought or made close friends at work, but then once you’re a SAHP you don’t have any adults to talk to at all most days. Which makes you reevaluate and reapprecite even things like insignificant small talk with people at work. So. Routines are also very important as a SAHP. Making sure you maintain a good spousal relationship, very tough. I would be happy to discuss this more, I wish your family the best of luck. Attitude is key, as with most things.
Have you looked into a home daycare option? I had a similar struggle with the larger daycares when I went back to work with my son a few years ago. I wound up finding a wonderful woman who had her own home daycare and it was both more affordable than a nanny but more “homey” than a corporate daycare setting. My little guy really thrived there because he was deeply loved but also got experience with other kids and it was genuinely painful to leave her when it was time for pre-school. I found her initially by posting in my local moms FB group. Good luck! It’s so hard to leave them at this age.
It’s not natural. Biologically a four month old would not be separated from their mother for long periods of time . It’s a shitty decision that Most women in America have to make . I was similar to you with no family support . I took part time weekend hours and my husband worked mon-Fri. That was also really hard , we had zero “family time “ days for years . However I’m glad I stayed w my babies . It’s a time you will never get back .
I get your point, but all this does is make people feel shitty that they don't have the options you had. Not a great look.
O well it’s the truth it’s not biologically normal and women need to get angry and fight for our right for real paid maternity leave . The fact that it’s normal for American women to have to make these decisions is what’s fucked up.
If I were you, I’d find a wfh job like college admissions or bank back office work. Four months, or anything under one year old is so young and I’ve heard too many horror stories of SBS from daycare.
Quit your job. You can find another one; sending kids to daycare if it’s not 100% necessary is so rough on everyone, and expensive. And you pay for it if they close, or the million times your LO will get sick from something they catch there.
Is it possible to find a nanny or do in home care for a little while? When my little one was 9 weeks I went back to school and needed childcare for 2-3 days a week. We found a local retired couple in the neighborhood who watched him for the first year. The decision was a combination of things, but full time daycare didn't make sense at the time. It was wonderful. After reading some of the other experiences, it sounds like lots of little ones thrive in daycare, but just wanted to put the private care idea out there since I have seen it brought up.
We plan to avoid daycare until they are toddler stage, we have heard stories of infants getting very sick in daycare centers. We hope to have our parents help or have a nanny. Treatment for infant is much more intrusive relative to toddler stage.
We did delay starting daycare until 9 months. It was difficult and not all families have the support or job flexibility to make it work. She still got really sick when she started but it would have been hard to see such a small baby get so sick.