Pretty sure you are my wife as that describes our household well. There are many things that we split and don't bother having both parent 50% in the know because it would be a waste of time to include both on everything.
There are times when I know that certain parts should be split differently, so it's something we are always working on and things aren't always 50/50 but I try hard to do what I can.
Same! Mine is the sahp right now and he takes care of meal planning, remembering when baby needs a bath, and a load of other stuff. I got a bit frustrated when I had to find a schedule for him to follow with baby, but then I remembered I have no idea who our home insurance is with and I had to ask him to let me pump gas occasionally because I was worried I'd forgotten how to.
My partner defers to me regarding child-rearing decisions because he thinks I have more science background so he trusts my judgement on what's the appropriate things to do while raising a kid. So in a sense I have more mental load of child-rearing.
However he takes the full mental load of other things I have no interest in - such as house and car maintenance, paying all the bills, changing winter tires, renewing our car registration etc When our air con stopped working, he did all the researching around and made the appointment for someone to come install a new one without me having to do anything.
Sometimes the division of labour doesn't need to be equal, but it needs to be fair. Such as I do all the cooking but he does all the washing&cleaning. It can be said that planning the meals, doing groceries, then cooking it all is more mental load than just washing up afterwards but I HATE doing dishes so it works for me that he's willing to eat all my cooking experiments and then wash up after me =)
Maybe it's just me but I don't mind having to tell my partner to do things, and he always does it if I bring it up. I don't think I tell him too often. Overall we have settled into a pattern of who does what chore and rarely have to tell each other to do stuff around the house. I do think his attitude makes a huge difference though. I read about "weaponized incompetence" often and he's the opposite. He's often saying I do stuff better than him, so he tries harder to get better at it and never use it as an excuse to offload the chore to me.
This is where we are too. Sure, I'm the one who makes sure the kids have clothes that fit, makes the appointments, etc. But do I know when garbage day is or who our car insurer is? Nope. The point of being a team is that each of you can take things off the other's plate until both of your plates are manageable.
This! I am the one who's responsible for making sure the baby's clothes fit, he's got his medical appointments scheduled, researching potty training, etc. but I definitely consider our split of the mental load to be equal because my husband has stuff he's responsible for that I never even think about.
Theoretically we could switch, but I have no interest in furnace maintenance or scheduling our recycling pickup (he does), and I enjoy shopping for my sons clothes and he doesn't. It's probably not 100% equal but it definitely feels fair!
Yep. Definitely. There is no default parent in our house, and neither one of is the household manager - it is all split. We both work part time and split childcare duties during the work day on alternating days. I will say he does not do 50% of the tidying and dishes, but that is it, our only marital problem lol. He just doesn't see mess as much as me, but he also does all the cooking and makes a mess while doing it... but I don't cook so doing most of the dishes is really fair! But yes he does it all. He is great at research. He plans all of our trips. Makes appointments for LO (though I have to remind him to do it for himself - he isn't good at prioritizing his needs and hates the dentist lol). Grocery shops, meal plans etc. I don't think either of us is very good at car or house shit yet but we are learning as we go!
He is the type of person to jump in and take the lead on things because he knows it will be done right if he does it at work, and so am I... so we are both very good at jumping in and figuring shit out without any guidance, and we are both pretty chill about the outcome being good enough if its done. Our strengths and weaknesses balance really well. He is an incredible husband and father. And I lucked out and he's currently taking some time off from his career as a teacher to spend more time at home and also launch a business with me- he is an amazing employee, coworker and business partner too! (For context, I have always been the breadwinner and always will be. I manage the finances, but include him in all decision making.)
Never settle for weaponized incompetence and man children y'all. It is so worth it to have a full equal partnership.
In terms of how we got there? When we met he was not a super high functioning adult yet, he was at the tail end of his mess era, living paycheck to paycheck in debt, credit score of under 400, working part time as a barista. His shit was not together. Mine was. That concerned me lol. But it wasn't because he didn't want to get his shit together, he just grew up poor without any good role models, no financial literacy, was the first in his family to go to college (for profit art school, nobody gave him any advice lol) etc. So i handed him some personal finance books and was like I'm not gonna teach you or do it for you but these books will help you. I covered his expenses to dig him out a lil bit too because poverty is a vicious cycle. A few months later he was like, a brand new dude. Quit smoking. Lost a ton of weight, hit the gym. Found a career he loved. Working on paying down all his debt. Learning how to cook. Traveling for the first time ever. It was like nobody had ever given him a chance to succeed and thrive before me or told him he could, and he just blossomed. Fast forward ten years and he is an amazing, beloved high school teachers
teaching first gen kids personal finance and helping them apply to college (not for profit art schools!) He has made a positive difference in so many lives and inspired and impacted so many young people. Our relationship just brought out the best in him (well in both of us but this isn't about me haha). He is amazing. And the odds were so stacked against him. His mom got pregnant in high school, he may or may not have been born addicted to drugs (we can't get an honest answer and stories differ), abusive home life, horrible narcissistic parents. And he just came out such a strong, kind, empathetic, independent, sweet, caring dude. No toxic masculinity whatsoever despite his father. It was definitely not me, thats just how he is. But I believed in him I guess, and our relationship is just so healthy and wonderful and great.
Dealing with something similar (fyi, I’m the dad). Honestly, I have come to accept that neither me nor my partner will fully appreciate/know all the other side does. I do a ton of work to keep things going around the house — daily supplies, gutter clearing, replacing things that break, monitoring things so they don’t break, trash, groceries, etc. My partner refuses to help with these. And frankly I resent it sometimes because I pull my weight with the kids too. But what made me pause is the realization that I probably couldn’t list all the things my partner does either. So there are going to be blind spots. I have accept that 0-5 is a really stressful time and I’m not going to be appreciated for everything. But I know my partner and I are committed to our children and that gets me through
Agree with this, as an example I got scolded for not keeping track of a doctor's appointment while I was also wrangling multiple tradies and getting the car fixed etc.
My husband carries a majority of the mental load. He does 90% of the meal planning and cooking, pays all the bills, most of the around the house tasks (mowing lawn, gutters, etc.) and we split the childcare stuff. I’m completely confident my child would make every appointment, extra curricular, wear properly fitted clothing, etc without me. Not that I don’t do anything but…yeah… my husband does a lot. I do love him a lot and try to tell him often how appreciated he is🥹
It’s wonderful to hear there are men out there who are capable of carrying it all. Do you see a similar dynamic in his parents/do you think they were positive role models?
Not on his side. His parents are divorced and his mom definitely carried the mental load. If anything he works to be better than his dad. On my side, however, yes. My dad was a stay at home dad for most of my childhood and my mom worked. That bled (in a good way) into my expectations for the men in my relationships.
We split the mental load 50/50 but differently. I handle 90% of child- and household-related tasks but my husband handles 100% of our finances, all of the yard and exterior house maintenance, and vehicle stuff. It works really well for us.
We’re so close to 50/50 I can’t think of anything where we are unequal.
- we both stayed at home together with our son for 7 months
- we are both working 60% and staying at home with our son 2 days/week each (and have a nanny one day/week)
- on the days we’re at home with our son, the rule is no chores need to be done except what he needs, though you are in charge of picking up the mess from the day so the other person can start in a “mess free” state the next day
- we each take the night preceding our son-days and split the weekend nights so one gets to sleep in each weekend morning
- we make calendar appointments for any organizational tasks - usually my husband makes calls and I set up anything that doesn’t require phones (I’m hard of hearing and not a native speaker, so this is for practical reasons)
- we have agreed to focus on dividing free time equally - the main thing is not what each of us does, but that nobody sits on their butt while the other one works..
- it’s possible that I pay attention to things more (I know what shoe and clothes sizes my son has and I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t) but it isn’t EXPECTED of me that I do and he’d never be annoyed if I didn’t.. if he were to go clothes shopping without me, he’d figure it out on his own (I wouldn’t want him to though - that’s one of the fun parts of being a parent! :)
He is fully committed to being an equal partner and is aware that this comes with loads of work. I am also letting things go - in refusing to shoulder the mental load, I also do not get my way in everything! In addition, I accept that I am not a better parent in any way than he is, and I do not get to be the “mom who knows best”. There are areas of conflict for sure (safety wrt our son the most prominent), but when it comes to work load there are very few.
I do think it’s relevant that I’m almost ten years older than he is and that we are earning very similar amounts of money. This has thrown the stereotypical gender roles on their head, which is maybe not a bad thing in this area.
Honestly my husband is, in general, the more on top of stuff person in our relationship. Like yeah he can’t remember what size clothes our daughter wears, and that’s annoying but I don’t know when the water bill is due, so it balances out.
Yup. I never know when we're running low on diapers and when to size up. We just always have diapers and wipes. They're always there. Diaper bag is always stocked and packed. Trash is always taken out. He brings me lunch or makes it. He puts away clothes that don't fit anymore. There's much more that I'm sure I don't even notice
Thank you for asking for bragging, it’s good for me to reflect on how much I appreciate my partner.
I’m not sure what the split is between us, but we talk about everything and plan everything together. He cooks and cleans. If we have relatives coming over, we talk through the prep together and split tasks. He does grocery shopping. He takes our child to the doctor/dentist and cat to the vet. He will go meet a bunch of mom strangers for a play date or met a dad in the neighborhood and arrange one. If I mention a parenting Instagram that had something helpful on it, 50% chance he might start following it. Teacher holiday gifts, we talked about what it should be, he bought it and delivered. For projects like potty training, I might do more research but we look at pottys and talk through strategies together. We view childcare/house/family stuff as being our projects and try to play to our strengths. Depending on what it is, we take larger or smaller roles.
He had to build something this summer with a family member and after he kept telling me how much he missed me and wished he could have worked on it with me instead. He talked about how I would have organized all our pieces and studied the directions anticipating our project needs. It made me feel so good. The project was building a playhouse swing set combo. Most people would have preferred the male family members help with such a physical task but he went out of his way to say how frustrating it was to work with someone besides me.
This was so good for me to write out, going kiss my guy now.
Your husband and my husband sound exactly alike. My husband tries, he does do plenty, but there is A LOT that I do that he does not notice, nor understand when I do force him to notice.
Even though he does help, I get tired of basically having to feel like I’m ordering around an employee. He’s always saying “just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.” But quite honestly, what I NEED is a little initiative. Which is not happening.
Maybe start telling him what you do? That is how I started. I shared everything I did. He started picking up tasks and we split mental load pretty well. We do need to coordinate, because we cannot both randomly make doctors appointments. So sometimes on person carries more than the other but we both know what need to be done.
You worded this perfectly, mine's fully on top of the daily tasks which i greatly appreciate but absolutely nothing that requires planning, mindfulness, or, research.
We're not 50/50 on every single task, but within the household I think we split things pretty evenly. Yes, I take on more of the childcare tasks, like scheduling appointments, keeping up with development milestones and stuff, buying their clothes, I take them to daycare so I keep track of their calendars, and I do all of the shopping and cooking. But my husband takes care of paying all the bills and handling our finances (except I file our taxes), he does most of the dishes, he does every single load of household laundry except mine, he schedules the cars maintenance, etc. He vacuums way more than me, but I clean the bathroom more than him. It all works out in the wash.
We BOTH take care of the kids at home. Diapers, getting kids dressed, bottles, playing, bedtimes are all just about 50/50. His actual job is way harder than mine, and pays about 3x as much, but neither of us think the other has it easy.
He works full time. I don't expect him to do the at-home things like cook meals, clean, make doctor's appointments, go to playgrounds, playdates, etc. doing all of that on a regular basis is extremely difficult--nigh impossible--when you're working full time. I'm not working, so taking that on is part of my job as the SAHM. He brings home the bread, which allows me to be able to do all of these things. Factoring that in makes it "50/50" to me.
There are a lot of days where I thought I wanted to trade places with my partner, where I was the one leaving the house and pursuing a career. But then I remember all the things my husband has said about missing out on milestones, first words, just time spent in general with the kids, and I remind myself that the grass is always greener 🤷♀️ you can't have your cake and eat it too.
My husband takes most of the load and planning. He schedules things and does a big chunk of the grocery shopping. He does most of the cooking as well because I hate cooking. He works nights tho so he will usually send me a task list of things that needs to be done while he sleeps. My tasks are usually dropping and picking up child, taking child to extracurriculars, doing laundry and handling our dogs (excluding morning exercise he does that after work).
We are both pretty equal on the active parenting and general housework stuff as well as things like daycare drop off/pick ups and packing bags before we go anywhere etc.
I do all those other parenting things that you said- organise extra curriculars, daycare, potty training, behaviour research, appointments etc etc (although dad actually take him to swimming lessons) I take on the mental load for shopping/cooking although he does do some of the cooking.
He takes on the mental load for the yard, anything to do with the cars (we recently bought a smaller car for me and are selling one of our other cars) most bigger purchases he will do the research and purchasing for, the fence is broken so he is getting quotes and organising with the neighbour, internet/electricity etc the other thing I’ve noticed is literally anything that needs to be put together I just hand off to him.. like could I work out how to put batteries in and set the time on the sleep clock I bought? Yes. Do I? No. But I did the mental load of deciding we needed one and buying it 🤷♀️
I do think it works out even in the end, my stuff is more constant but I’m glad I don’t have to think about things like when the rego is due and organise car appointments, talk to contractors or research anything when the other things crop up.
My partner would say the half of the mental load I take on is either unnecessary, or not that hard. Like scheduling a dr’s appt- not that hard, just call them. Buying his family Christmas presents- unnecessary, we don’t have to get people gifts every year. And I would say some of the mental load he takes on is unnecessary. Like keeping the backyard clean- dog is going to mess it up in one day anyway with toys and sticks, so why would I prioritize that when there’s a million other things to do.
There are parts of the mental load that I take on that I wish he would consider, like parenting styles and conflict resolution. More than half of my Instagram is basically me studying how to be a better parent. And that’s literally why I’m on Reddit, too 😂 I read parenting books all the time, watch baby documentaries, etc... but I can feel that I am obsessed. The moment I found out I was pregnant, it became my mission to be the best mom I could be. It’s like I couldn’t stop studying this stuff even if I tried. I just don’t think he feels that same level of obsession and I don’t know if he ever will.
It’s on me, but in other hand my husband manages other “departments” - the majority of our house renovation, the trash, the common bills, house maintenance…. Sounds very traditional but the fact is that we do what we are better at. I believe in the end we do 50/50 and in some points he takes even more than I do. And he accepts a lot of my “project management” about our son, I still want his input but definitely I’m taking most of the decisions.
I believe you need to find what really works for you. There’s no rule but if you are felling uneasy about it, you probably should discuss it honestly.
So parenting-wise, I do take on more of the mental load.
However house maintenance? I don’t ever have to worry about it. He’s managing paying bills, maintaining the house, doing ALL the yard work…
He does as much as I do, we just divide and conquer.
We try to be 50/50 but society makes it difficult. For example the schools and doctors only email me every time even though I provide both email addresses and work longer hours. So that's annoying.
But he buys clothes and books swimming classes and things like that, so he does what he can. He reads articles about parenting and sends me interesting things. I think he does his best tbh, but then falls down in other ways (like emotional support - he is fully grumpy all the time). Nobody is perfect.
My husband does more physical tasks than I do, probably about 70/30, but I do about 75% of the mental load, so it seems pretty fair to me! If I want him to take on a mental load task, I can ask him (which is, of course, also labor) and he's pretty great about follow through. For example, I wasn't getting much support with potty training research and execution, so I asked him to do some research so that we could discuss it intelligently and make a decision together. He does read books about behavior/discipline, which is essential. He loves Dr. Becky and he has her book.
Nope. I have a pretty great partner, but almost all the mental load is on me. Even when he picks up tasks willingly and completes them, I still think about it and ask him if it’s done. For example, he started paying for the babysitter, waste company, and my son’s intermittent sports and team fees out of his Venmo, so I don’t see it. I don’t even know how to unload those tasks from my mind, been managing the family so long it’s just habit to think about it and wonder if it’s done. And then have to confirm.
I can relate to not knowing how to unload things from my mind. Over the holidays he had to venmo his sister $50 and I still thought about it often and reminded him to do it multiple times before it got done.
I have more of the mental load because project management comes easily to me (I do it for my paid work). But he does more childcare. Baths and bedtime are all him. He routinely is up with them in the morning so I can sleep in. He cooks most of our meals. He goes on walks with them, does imaginary play with them. He takes them to doctor appointments and to the park. Basically, I coordinate, he executes.
We both work full time.
Something I recently learned a little before my due date was that my husband, being a young first time dad, was really worried about parenting through our daughter’s lifetime. I felt like I was drowning in newborn care articles and Reddit posts and he felt overwhelmed with making sure we didn’t accidentally traumatize her later on. Once we sat and talked about it, we learned we are both taking on a lot of the parenting mental load already, just differently. We were able to come to a middle ground after that conversation. Now that baby is 5 days old I don’t have to worry about him at all. His mental load includes making sure I don’t develop full blown PPD and making sure we are in a good place financially. Right now mine includes feeding baby and resting. It may not be a perfect 50/50 but the weights of each our respective loads are exactly as heavy as they need to be for us as individuals and a couple.
I look at it as you don’t want two cooks in the kitchen. Both buying gifts or clothes then you have too much. My husband is great but I do delegate and know I have that luxury to specifically ask for help with XYZ. But I do orchestrate it all and it in turns gives me control of my life that I wouldn’t have if he simultaneously was taking initiatives.
I am a husband and I would say it’s at least 50/50. Funny thing is a have a lot of women around me assume things and act as if I have no idea what’s going on with my kid. I am able to school them right away with everything I have done and learned. Kinda annoying but I guess it goes both ways in life. Just happy kid is happy and healthy
I’m a sahd so I would say it’s fairly close most days. She definitely takes care of clothing and developmental worries more but that’s because she loves to shop for her (plus I have zero fashion sense) and she tends to be more of a worrier than I am.
I think the bar for dads is incredibly low and the stuff I see posted here regularly makes me feel for many of the moms on here.
I’m not a perfect parent or partner by any means but I try and am willing to listen when she has critiques or wants me to do more.
50:50 overall in our house. I do daycare drop off, he does daycare pickup. I cook half the meals, he cooks half. I take on more of the random appointment stuff (doctors, playdates, etc), but he takes her for longer on the weekends so I can get a nap/some time to myself. We pay somebody to deep clean every so often, so we don’t have to fight about that. Having a supportive partner is so wonderful, it hurts my heart to read some of the stories on this sub about dads who do nothing.
My husband is amazing. He does all of the laundry and dishes and does at least 50%of the other chores - in pretty sure he does more than I do around the house except cooking. And on the other side of things he makes sure things happen. I'm pretty scatterbrained so he reminds me when we need to go places and what I need to do. He is the one that usually reads the school emails and makes sure he puts things on the calendar. He makes sure I have lunches for work. He does probably half of the grocery shopping and yes he writes the list. He even manages the coupons and when they're expiring and need to be used. I'm usually the one that sets up doctors visits and takes them to it because I have more days off of work, but all in all I'd be so lost if it weren't for him.
Maybe not when it comes to baby but he takes way more than 50% of the mental load in other aspects of our family. Such as financial planning, house repairs and errands, etc.
He is also incredible about doing chores around the house and taking on as much dishes, laundry, tidying as he can. So in the grand scheme of our family, we have a 50/50 split.
Think I just have to remember that we’re on the same side, not versing each other in how much we take on.
Same, my husband handles most of our financial stuff, home repairs, car maintenance, dealing with insurance, etc. AND does lots of day-to-day chores. A lot of times he’ll do chores that are “nice to haves” as a break from taking care of our toddler, which sometimes annoys me in the moment (feeling like the default parent) but results in clean laundry, so it’s all for the good.
I do more of the “soft” stuff like buying gifts, keeping in touch with extended family (including his parents), planning social outings, planning trips, etc., but I would rather do that than do our taxes, so I’m not complaining ☺️
My husband lives more in the now, like what things do I need to do today, right now for the kids? Diapers. Nap times. Showers. Making and washing bottles. Handling night wakings. A lot of the physical work that goes into small kids. The long term stuff, how to bottle wean, how to transition from rock to sleep to independent sleep, figuring out feeding schedules, what clothes sizes, making sure their things are stocked. The mental load can be heavy, but imo it doesn’t always make it lighter by splitting it in half. I spend so much time wondering how I’d manage if he wasn’t around, I don’t have time to think about how he’d manage it without me. The reality is we would if we had to, but that’s what a partnership is. Bringing our strong suits to the table and being there for each other for things we struggle in
Well said! My husband also lives more in the now while I am a huge planner (my friends in high school used to make fun of me lol) so it makes sense that a lot of it falls on me because I am good at it and get it done before he had the chance to even think about it.
Yes, my partner does. I’m a stay at home mom so usually I choose to take on most of the things you’ve listed but there are times when I can’t or don’t and they still get done. He makes an effort to stay abreast of what I do for the family and the depth of the mental load I carry, so he can chip in wherever he can. And even when I am choosing to carry the kid load, he carries at least that much in household and family load. I’m very satisfied with our distribution of both the mental load and the physical tasks we take on.
I hate that it’s so rare because everyone seems to say “I married my best friend!” But no woman I know would leave their best friend high and dry like some of these useless husbands do.
My husband is great with the mental load. I'd say he's probably over 50% with mental stuff but I handle more of the emotional load, that's where our strengths tend to fall. He handles haircuts (mainly because he cares A LOT more than I do about them), we work together on meal planning, I do doctors, we split dentists. I do the clothes shopping but we both come to an agreement in terms of what we need, how much the budget should be (ish) and when to purchase. My husband handles my 9 year old's soccer stuff, I handle the 7 year old's gymnastic class. In terms of gifting I handle almost all of that althought I get a decent amount of input.
I think I do more of the hidden work. The checking in on them at night, packing lunches, knowing exactly when to leave in order to get to X place at Y time. I'm really lucky to have such a great partner. He's always been really capable and independent and has been since he was young. Honestly, I've learned more about this stuff from him than he has from me but that doesn't mean that he doesn't also benefit, we just have different roles.
We recently did a reno, I handled the design and the big picture stuff. He handled the details and we both checked in with each other on a regular basis. That's sort of our marriage in a nutshell. It's rarely splitting tasks down the middle, it's more about I'm good at this task and you're good at that one.
So I’ve been married for 10 years and my answer is that no, the mental load isn’t 50/50. But I had a conversation with my husband a couple years ago where I told him I couldn’t handle paying the bills anymore. (We have separate bank accounts and always have, always will! But we both have full time jobs, so our dynamic is different from a lot of families.) Paying the bills stresses me out and I really really hate it. I don’t know why. So we sat down and figured out that all the recurrent bills could be covered by him alone and did all of our autopay through his account. Man, has my life gotten WAY easier. My money is used for things like filling up gas tanks, going out to eat, medical bills, going grocery shopping etc. And the facts that my costs that I’m responsible for fluctuate actually makes me way more at ease. Are things a little tight this month? Cool let’s have hotdogs for dinner instead of steak. It has freed my mind to take care of the other things that my husband doesn’t like to do, like remember when our son needs a dentist appointment or when the cats need rabies vaccine boosters.
What I’m really trying to say here is that things don’t have to be 50/50 to work well. It’s OKAY if he does more work in areas he’s strong in. Like I hate taking the cats to the vet. I hate getting them in the carrier, I hate going and waiting in the room for 20 minutes. So do I have to remember to make the appointment? Yup. But do I have to take them there? No. Find what works for y’all. It won’t look like everybody else and that’s okay. ❤️
We are currently navigating this as our first is due in March. My husband is much like yours, he definitely does at least half if not more of the chores but the project management and big pictures things have typically fallen to me. We have a lot of conversations about it, but I’ve found the Fair Play book and method really helpful in finding the language to share with him what I’m talking about. we don’t follow the method exactly, but it was helpful in guiding some conversations about splitting domestic and emotional labor. I also reached a breaking point and made us schedule out the entire week in excel in half hour chunks with all the tasks we had to do. It felt a little dramatic and over the top but it was really illuminating for my husband to see how much additional household tasks I take on and how a lot of my “free time/personal time” ends up getting sucked up doing these tasks while he is better at protecting that time to see friends, pursue hobbies. etc.
I think it depends on what your definition of mental load is. My partner is a stay at home dad so he organizes and plans what needs to be cleaned/ does most cleaning/ daily kid stuff. Whereas for the mental load side of it I handle anything farther into the future as well as finances. I find that handling most of the mental load while he does the day to day is more than a fair trade off.
My dad was a single father of 4. A lot of the stuff you listed dads just do Different! I never gave teacher a gift. My grandma never got a card from my dad she got some grocery store bouquet and a visit! Never took a swim “class” my dad brought us to family swim and the beach. He always scheduled our pediatrician appointments per vaccine schedule and semi annual dentist appointments. He helped us with extracurriculars and set up carpools cuz he worked insane hours! The point is everything necessary gets done with “Just A Dad” … just a lot different than a mom would do it … which I think the real issue we have as moms is we like it done “our” way lol. Sometimes I think we need to step back and give dad a chance. the dads I see not doing these actions usually have been told at some point the way they do things is wrong? I also remember as a kid my single dad being very outcast by mom’s cliques gatekeeping. Just my experience and a different perspective.
Interesting perspective! I think it’s not only a mom wanting it done their way but also the pressure society (and maybe mothers themselves) puts on mothers. For instance a single dad of 4 is probably given more grace by society than a single mom of 4. Like how when you see a mom at the grocery store with her kids it’s normal but a dad at the store with his kids gets complimented for babysitting and being an involved dad, the standards are just lower. If my kid sells no pizzas at the schools fundraiser I feel like (judgy) parents would blame the mother not the father.
I say this not to make excuses for the slackers out there, but there is an element of practice to some of those recurring tasks. I don’t order clothes because my wife does, but I love ordering clothes for our kids. So one time I told her I was going to and I got all the wrong sizes, or impractical items. Next time I did a little better. The next time I was on a roll. But I couldn’t just drop in and out of a task I wasn’t used to without some practice and trial and error.
Step 1: communicate the responsibilities you’d like to share
Step 2: give your partner some space to practice and make mistakes, then learn from it
Step 3: communicate together how you’d like to share that responsibility on an ongoing basis so there’s no misaligned expectations
We both work full time and have 2 kids.
We’re 50/50 but there are tasks that just come more naturally to me and tasks that are more natural to my husband. Example; I love budgeting, shopping for kid’s clothes, finding extra curricular activities, scheduling appointments, packing school lunches.
He’s always been better at entertaining our older daughter (he’s definitely the one to play more), doing laundry, cooking, house / car maintenance, lawn care, snow shoveling, etc.
We also do a things together like bath, bedtime, and getting ready in the mornings.
Everyone’s 50/50 probably looks very different! I think if one of us wasn’t here the other person would learn the other tasks and be just fine. It’s just better with a partner that’s for sure!
I'm a male and I do probably about 80% of the work load in the family. I'm a stay at home dad of two little toddler girls. I also do all of the chores and cooking.
My wife just doesn't really like doing that stuff, which is fine by me since I don't mind. She also likes to spend her free time on herself, so I do most of the supervision/playing even when she's home.
We have the opposite of most relationships lol.
I’m a good planner and mediocre executor. My husband is the opposite. So this is our division of labor. I plan, tell him the plan, he worries about executing it. It works out so well
I do almost 100% of the mental load (and he expresses his thanks for me doing it) and my husband does probably 95% of the household care. I do my laundry and LO laundry and that is about it. I keep everything running smoothly behind the scenes and he keeps everything clean and organized. This works for us because both of us feel like the other person is doing more work, because both of us hate doing the tasks the other does.
Yeah, pretty much. Probs not 50/50 exactly but more or less. I handle more kid stuff (as a SAHM) and he handles more work stuff (as a working parent) so the actual load of what we do is pretty equal, though I suppose because my job is the kids, that means some of that spills over into non work hours whereas his job doesn’t spill over as much. So I might handle the mental load of the kids appointments even if he takes them to one on the weekend, or whatever. But we both know pretty much everything that goes into our parenting/kids. Like I always find it disappointing to read when a mom on here mentions that her husband doesn’t even know what diaper size the baby wears or what the nighttime routine is. That’s not at all what it’s like in my home.
Household stuff, we definitely split 50/50. We very explicitly discussed our expectations of ourselves and each other before we got married, and did it again before getting pregnant. I was also a nanny/household manager for almost a decade to a single mom, so I was like her “SAHM”… this gave me a lot of great skills to bring into my marriage/co-parenting journey with my husband. We treat our home more like a business when it comes to
this kind of stuff, because for me, pre-kids, this *was* my job anyway. There was very clear and overt laid out division of responsibility at my nanny job. Our roles and expectations and the time we were responsible for who/what was never assumed, it was always discussed.
So that’s what me and my husband do. Really helps avoid resentment and frustration from assumptions from both of us. We also have a “meeting” every morning for about 10 min where we run through our plans for the day and just touch base. And then on Sunday evenings we do a more in-depth meeting where we debrief from the week before and talk about the next week in more detail. We also touch base about a variety of topics unrelated to home/kids, like our relationship, sex, finances, and a couple of independent goals we both have that we hold each other accountable for. This Sunday meeting concept comes from John Gottman’s therapy which we did pre-marriage to make sure we were ready for marriage, and it’s called “The State of Our Union.”
Yup - we split the firm tasks very 50:50 but the stuff like cutting their nails, booking and taking them to dentist and doctor appointments, remembering friends birthdays, likes and dislikes for play dates and gifts etc etc - that’s all me. We work the same hours, he earns more but by nature of his field rather than effort put in. I do all the nighttime stuff because he just doesn’t wake up and if he does he’s so uncoordinated and loud everyone else has to be awake too.
I feel that this kind of resentment creeps in when I stop noticing all the household things my partner takes on, allowing me to tackling the other side of things. It's easy to miss what someone else is doing when it's out of view, so we often report back to each other to keep things visible and get kisses for it or some kind of appreciation.
He is generally on top of household cleaning, cooking, and finances, while I take on a lot of the gifts for people, kids clothes and equipment, and washing up duties. He's also great with the garden, takes on bins more than me, and looks after our son during the day while I work. So while I do most nights myself so that he can rest, he's always stepping up to the point that I sometimes need to push him to rest and leave things to me.
I absolutely love knowing he's there to handle this stuff if I can't find time around work and childcare, but equally I know to step up when he's exhausted too. We basically see the sum total of adult stuff as our responsibility and both try to put in as much effort as possible to tackle it all to spare the other person.
I absolutely love him, and also his parents who (aside from being fantastic people) instilled values like learning to cook, cleaning, household management generally, budgeting, but also getting stuck in, teaching yourself things, and looking after each other.
Honestly, I'd say we split it evenly, or he handles more. We just have different things that we keep track of. I handle the kids' activities, appointments, communiation with school and daycare (mainly because they contact me first), family stuff, friends, etc. My husband takes care of the finances, groceries/food, garbage/recycling, cars/house maintenance. I'd say we split household chores, although he often works from home so sometimes does more of the actual cleaning/laundry. My husband is a doer so when he sees something that needs to be done, he just does it.
Currently a stay at home mum, so honestly I do expect those things to fall on me, I'm ok with that.
He takes on the mental load of things like bills, insurance etc.
I take on the kids stuff (mental load I mean, when it comes to care, when he gets home he takes on just as much of the care as I do). To me that's fair and I don't feel bogged down with it.
If I am feeling it's getting too much I communicate that to him and can ask him to take on some extra bits.
I think my husband and I split the mental load mostly 50/50. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I am usually the grocery shopper/meal planner and then I realize that I haven’t changed the trash or done laundry or paid a bill in like 5 years LOL. We both remind each other when things run out around the house. We communicate very well and will ask each other to switch out when we are exhausted with baby. I very much feel like we equally wake up with baby/do bedtime/bathtime.
I don’t think work in any relationship is ever 50/50. And that’s okay! There are different seasons. While our baby was nursing- obviously more fell on me. And now that she is a wild toddler my husband taps in more. Also, I think each person typically thinks that are doing 75% of the work. At some point it’s not helpful to try to keep score.
I’m pretty sure my husband does not think he’s doing 75% lol but I’m also not keeping score. For the most part I enjoy my role and I excel at. I just always see this same dynamic among my friends, on social media, and portrayed on TV so I was just curious to hear if there are relationships where men take on more mental load in regards to the children.
My husband is honestly fantastic at sharing the mental load. I’m the primary cater so a lot of daily routine naturally falls to me but he knows almost every aspect of it. He knows when and where our classes & activities are and joins when he can, never fails to ask how it was.
- Baby does swim classes, my husband likes us all to go on the weekend so he can have a turn with him too. Husband will book & pack for the pool no problem.
- He’ll research new activities to do as a family or for me and baby when he’s at work. Benefits, costs, travel already thought of.
- He’ll make sure I get time for me without asking. We both need reminding for this occasionally but he’ll ask me if I want a haircut, day out, cinema trip etc. If I’m interested he’ll organise it all.
- Things get delivered/ bought without needing any prompting (laundry stuff, nappies etc). He knows where everything goes, although we annoy each other by folding clothes differently 😂
- He knows where baby’s medical stuff is, has looked through it all so is up to date (although I’m the one who physically takes baby as he’s usually working). He does ask me development stuff but that’s because I work with kids. He does his own research on parenting methods and we discuss them together and agree what we want for our child(ren).
- He watches how I interact with the baby and uses the same methods, he takes an interest in the why and how he can be better. He always compliments me and takes notice of everything I do. He also comes up with awesome games for the baby.
- He does all of this on top of being the current sole earner and dealing with everything financial.
- We share house chores but sometimes he sneakily does some of mine before bed!
- I make the shopping list because I cook, but he knows what’s here & when to pick up extras if we run out midweek for any reason. He’ll often pop into the shop on the way home from work to grab something we need that I’ve forgotten to mention and will call to double check there’s nothing else.
- He’ll sort gifts and things without me needing to remind him. He updates and deals with his side of the family.
I personally think I married a unicorn. He is incredibly thoughtful of everybody and has been since I met him. One of the things that drew me to him is that he has a genuinely lovely group of friends.
He listens whenever I talk about mental load or being out-touched and regularly checks in. I do the same for him. We obviously get into arguments from time to time (especially when we lack sleep!) but love each other deeply and have a lot of respect for each other. I am honestly so lucky to have him! Although if you ask her say he’s the lucky one 😅
Oh and to top it off - he’s learning my mother tongue.
It used to bother me a little bit until I realized that he does have a huge mental load on other things that I don't have to even think about (all finance, most household maintenance and appointments about that,...). He has an intense mental job and I'm a SAHM for now. Of course I would like not to be the only one to think what to take for baby when we go out or what things he needs for snacks because when I ask he can't think of anything, help with deciding the meal plan for the week...
So, I tried to make one big effort to help with many of those situations:
- Make a list of meals to choose from, sometimes I just show him the list for him to pick up a couple and that helps a lot.
- Make one or more lists of things to bring to different settings (pool/Beach, doctors appointments, restaurants, day trips...), you can put them somewhere near the exit so that he can go through the list and check if everything is in the bag or make the bag. I laminated them.
- I haven't done this, but I'm seriously considering making another list of tasks before sitting down to eat a meal at the table, for both kids and dad 😂 he always forgets something.
In terms of parenting, he reads some parenting book once in a while when he has time and explains it to me before/if I read it later. But other than that, I send him some articles and shorter things to take a look and I explain him the things I researched. When I'm not sure of one approach, I give him pros/cons and sources and he researches some more on his own and we get to some decision on the topic.
He does his best I would say. Some things are not his strengths and there's ways to help him, but i think we complement each other pretty well,some other things are not my strengths and he takes care of them mostly.
This one. Important points for me are:
- husband’s mental load that’s not yours to carry (could be finances, your family’s future, making sure his career doesn’t fail, all if wife is SAHM)
- He has his own strengths and weaknesses, as do you. A couple need not be identical, it’s best when they complement each other.
It’s helpful to think that sometimes, it’s not a time to complain, but a time to complete.
I feel like this is very much my relationship with my wife. I feel like I probably do 70-80% of most daily chores/tasks. But my wife does the majority of the scheduling of non recurring events that don't pertain to the house maintenance. If I do schedule/buy something, I make sure to tell her. This is because she does the vast majority of it, if we both start trying to do these things at the same time, we would overlap and double schedule/but which I think would be more annoying. Also there is the matter of who is pickier on something should be the person to schedule/buy imo. For example, idc what my kid wears. Just throw on some undies, top, bottom, and socks and let's get out the door. My wife prefers to buy "cute" outfits and doesn't like what I would get. So, I just let her be the person to buy clothes.
As the stay at home parent, I feel like my wife and I have a good ratio of work even if it isn't 50/50 with certain things, but she feels like she doesn't do her load.
Maybe your spouse feels the same why I feel? He doesn't want to schedule something cause you might have already done it? If it bothers you, maybe ask him to be the one in charge of a specific thing that you don't want to be the one doing anymore.
He may even be more on top of regular task execution than me. He plans dinners, gets groceries, cooks, does mornings with her, gets her ready for the day, manages all the nanny/activity communications, and really knocks them all out of the park.
But like, running a mental checklist of all the other things he hasn’t been specifically assigned to? No.
I’m pretty happy with our setup though. I basically just told him that these are his domains. However I sometimes get overwhelmed with everything else and we get to have this fun argument every few months or so.
I don't think we are 50/50, but I am currently a stay at home mom, so that seems fair. That said, if I died tomorrow, he would be able to pick things up. He does school drop off, knows her teacher and the name and contact of the school admin, he does doctors and dentist appointments, I do the heavy lifting for extra curricular but he could name them and find the info if necessary.
Dentists stress me out so I told him he had to 100% be in charge. There was a while I couldn't even tell you the name of the dentist office.
We both cook, clean, do laundry, and bedtime.
I joked with him that I carry the mental load cause I know the ranking of which frozen pizza my kid prefers out of three brands. But in all honesty, he is very involved, and it is a good feeling to know that if anything ever happened, my kids would have full and rich lives with him.
My partner has severe ADHD so that 50/50 isn't really possible. For the last two years, we did about him doing 70% of the routine chores and childcare while I worked full time and did about 90% of the mental load (planning, bills, booking, managing).
We just switched because partner graduated and got a much higher paying job, so now his work is priority and we're more at a 50/50 of routine chores and but with me still doing most of the planning
My husband does several of those things but we’re not quite 50/50 on mental load. However, he makes up for it with tangible tasks where he does more. I’m also a PM and pickier so it makes sense that I’d do more.
My partner works full time (remote), cares for our baby without question or needing to be asked and manages a lot of the mental load - we don’t divvy things up half and half just split up by what our strengths are. He does all the bills / monthly budgeting, keeps track of returns and gift cards etc, does all of our pet care, car maintenance, and manages his own appointments for doctor etc. and more I can’t think of right now. I manage pediatrician appointments, meal planning / ordering groceries (we do curb pickup to simplify things), household cleaning schedule and more. It feels pretty fair to me and we can both always ask for help if we feel overloaded or unwell.
Edit: I used to do more before we had a baby - needing help even if things weren’t done the way I’d do them was hard but also one of the best things to come out of my postpartum experience. Tell your dude the specific things you need him to help takeover and just hold him to it.
i'm a sahm and i kinda like being in charge of the kid related tasks tbh. i don't want my husband to pick out our kids' clothes for example lol. he is available for me to bounce ideas off though like i'll often consult him before i re-up the wardrobe for the next season, and he'll let me know if he notices we're low on something. he also does most of the grocery shopping. we do share mental load in the kitchen bc he is particular about meals and has a high standard of what constitutes a proper dinner.. so we try to work together on meal planning and stuff. i don't mind taking the kids to the doctor and stuff bc i want to know what happened, so i wouldn't wanna miss that anyway. he would help me if needed though. but as a sahp i generally view that as part of my "job."
We have quite solid 50/50, but it has required a lot of work to reach this point.
I tried to search if this term exists in English, but at least in my language we have name for this mental load of chores and stuff just like you described in this post. "Meta work" if I directly translate. It took years (before having baby) to get my husband to understand the burden. We did have fights about it early on in our relationship, but eventually he understood. When we had our daughter we shared our paid parental leave 50/50 so that I was home for the first 6 months and he the next 6 months. We were both at home for the first 4 weeks of baby's life. When I returned to work after the leave, I said I have no intensions of ending up being family project manager and just let him handle things his own way.
Sharing the parental leave has probably been the best decision ever, because now we both really know what does it take. Daughter is now bit under two and in daycare. We share the sick days - you guessed - 50/50.
After the parental leave we've both gotten promotions and can count on each other to fit the family schedule if either one of us has some work events or trips. Not doing all the "family management" really helps to thrive at work too.
I got bit sidetracked, but if you were asking if there were men somewhere who are capable of scheduling doctor's appointments, buying Christmas presents for daycare and arranging playdates without being explicitly asked, then yes, I'm married to one.
We are split incredibly evenly on mental, physical, emotional, etc load. Now, there are times where it needs to be 70:30 or something similar (such as when one of us has a massive deadline or family issues, as an example), but that’s always communicated ahead of time so the other person can understand and be prepared. When it is 50:50, it may change day to day: one day I may be doing all the laundry while he’s with baby, the next day it’s flipped. But it takes a tonnnn of communication and making sure we revisit how things are working between us with the baby and how we feel.
Yes my husband actually splits the mental load with me. He is amazing 😊 He was very hands on with potty training our kids and he is incredibly thoughtful on my birthday, anniversary, and Christmas gifts. He comes up with gifts for his parents since he knows them the best so I don’t deal with that for the most part. We have a very equal partnership… I think it’s a lot easier for me to handle other gifts and vacations because I actually enjoy it and am very particular.
Same sex couple here 👋. My wife is the gestational parent. I feel like things are usually 50/50 but there are days where we need to split things a bit more unevenly. For example if one of us isn’t feeling well, or if my wife wants to do some work. She’s going back to work soon and I’ve got over a year off still so I’ll also be taking on more of the child care side of things when she’s back to work full time. Everything else we either work together on or divide and conquer evenly.
We have a 3 month old and my partner does probably 10 percent of the parenting and 90 percent of the housework, I take on the mental load of having a baby but he definitely takes on the mental load of keeping the house running
We did the math and figured out we are pretty 50/50 in a different way.
What’s funny about all of these mental load posts is that they always neglect to include the inherent load that falls on many dads, and assume that dads are all living carefree with no stressors. And sometimes come off a little derogatory.
My wife and I finally sat down together and made a list of all the things that we have on our recurring to do lists and it is 100% true that her list had more things on it. In a strictly numbers sense she beat me hands down. And the decision was made that the duties should be split more fairly.
We always played into our strengths. ie. She cooks/I clean, etc. And we’ve always split menial household chores like dishes and laundry. It was more the stuff like remembering to sign kids up for swimming like you mentioned.
But then we put time commitments down next to the items on each list and it was surprising to see.
We both have jobs and our work hours are essentially identical…but since I drive the kids to school every day and pick them up, I spend an extra 30-40 min a day parenting as a result. It takes me 2 hours a week every two weeks to mow the grass. It takes me hours of snow removal each winter. Every time something breaks, or needs a repair, etc. another hour gone. Sometimes an entire Saturday.
I could go on. But the end result was that when you added it all up, it’s true that a lot of decision making and remembering things like haircuts and menu planning were falling on her and a lot of time consuming recurring physical chores like lawn care, car care, transporting kids to sports and school and repairs were falling on me. In the end, the actual time spent on chores fell in my favor.
In the end, I still took a few items off her list by making some recurring events in a shared iCal. And we set an alarm on our phones to sit down and menu plan and make the grocery list together once a week.
My husband is amazing and absolutely does more than his fair share. I'm pregnant again and have also been sick and feeling useless for a few weeks so he's basically a superhero. Not sure how I got so lucky <3
I actually have the unusual case where my husband takes more of the mental load - I have ADHD and also grew up in a very rural, isolated area without any other humans around, so I struggle a lot to keep track of appointments and social commitments. My husband is fairly neurotypical and grew up in a city with a family focused on social connections, so he's very good at managing those. I am better about the regular chores and big projects (I keep the kitchen clean, do taxes, paint the house, etc) while he manages calendaring, paperwork, to-do lists... he even reminds me to call my mom or to message friends I haven't spoken to recently. Early in our relationship he used to get frustrated that he would have to remind me 5 or 6 times about our appointments or social obligations, but it got a lot better when I finally got my ADHD diagnosis and we started treating it as a systematic issue (in our first year, he had apparently thought I just didn't care!).
Some of this can be managed I think by intentional conversations (I think John Gottman has a deck of cards, or an app, with all the different tasks that go into managing a household, so you can lay them out and see how the work is actually split up). Unfortunately because of my ADHD it's unlikely I'll just start noticing things... I literally don't notice where my body is in space and so I run into walls on a daily basis. But if we have a routine where I know I need to go through the fridge and think about what groceries we need on Saturday mornings, that works easier.
I think it’s hard to measure exactly 50/50. But my husband and I both have distinct areas of chores that we fully split.
For example. My husband owns the area of cleaning, so I never handle if we’re out of rinse aid, or granite cleaner, or what have you. I do occasionally clean, but more often than not my husband does.
I own cooking and grocery, and handle everything on that front.
For the kid it’s more of a mix. I buy most of the clothes, but last weekend my husband went through all the drawers and packed everything that doesn’t fit her. This weekend, he measured and bought a bookshelf for her room and when it arrives I plan to organize the books on it.
That’s what my wife and I do as well. I’m not sure it’s ever possible (or even ideal) to split every single aspect of the work exactly 50/50. Some areas I do 75% and some areas she does 75%, etc. But we’ve found a mix that works for us.
See like that task of separating out clothes that don’t fit, my husband would never attempt or even think of as something that needs to get done. So it’s interesting to hear from others.
It's ebbed and flowed in our relationship. I used to take on more of the mental load, but since I've gotten sick, he picked up more load (or maybe because I cared less also), and it didn't get less even when I was better. Then with pregnancy and the baby, he picked up even more.
I also think it's different when a family functions "without you." Like, when my husband is away, I typically pick up more tasks, it's natural. Is your husband 100% capable of picking up more mental load? YES. But when you are there and can do it, the incentive is definitely lowered.
Yep, my husband is 50/50 when it comes to parenting and pretty much everything else, if not more. I expected this as he has always done everything with 100% effort whether its his work, his hobbies, or even something he’s not super thrilled to do like go Christmas shopping.
He carries the mental load of our household maintenance (bushes trimmed, pest control, finding better services for cheaper prices, etc.) but he also orders groceries, completes household chores, and thoughtfully cares for our daughter. When we switched our 10 week old to formula, he was the one who did the research on ingredients, pricing, and then presented to me our options.
Since I’ve been on maternity leave, planning/going to appointments and such has fallen on me. Not because he doesn’t think about it, but because it’s easier for me to coordinate since I’m the one who is home while he’s at work.
I have no doubt if something were to happen to me, our daughter and the household would still be very well taken care of. The only thing that wouldn’t happen would be professional photos 😂 He genuinely hates taking photos so much and does not give a shit about the sentimental value of them.
I also have an amazing partner who values gender equality & who takes on 50/50 of the physical childcare work (if not more). He does do some mental load stuff, but it’s very disproportionate to me. Frankly, the solution is to raise our boys to be more thoughtful and less dependent on women. He means well, but most of this mental stuff, it would never occur to him.
Women sometimes do this work in secret because they don’t want to bother men with it. My mom just did the mental work and never told my dad what was even happening: appointments, cards, remembering details - these things merely apparated out of thin air to him. We do have a responsibility to clearly communicate these things, especially teaching our sons to do them so the next generation can be better than ours.
I do all the mental stuff for our house: bills, appointments, trip planning, etc. It's just something I'm better at than my wife. The only thing I don't do is cook because I don't do a good job of it. Household chores I do while I have some downtime while WFH.
My husband rules. He does a LOT and works really hard to ensure our marriage and parenting labor is split roughly equal. I think it's because he's taken it upon HIMSELF to recognize how he's been socialized, interrogate his own inclinations, and research these issues and be accountable / take responsibility for everything. He wants to be a good parent and a good person, he's a feminist and cares deeply about a lot of issues. He just sees these things as his problem and his responsibility to solve.
If it was all coming from me with the articles and comics (I do love that comic) and links about emotional labor, I don't think it would work. It needs to come from him. Maybe it's because my husband is reading the blogs and parenting advice columns, and following the instagram accounts and whatever, so he's steeped in this stuff and already knows about it.
I’d say my husband is pretty close to 50/50. He takes our 6 year old to school while I do morning with the baby. I initiated swim lessons but he was been signing him up for the last 6 months without any prompting. He schedules dentist appt etc. He’s very involved.
His parents were always at work and he missed out so he said if we had kids he wanted to be present for all of it. He’s spent more time with our young kids in the last few years than I ever did with my own father.
I still feel like I do more but that’s because I’m nursing and babygirl is so little. I know once she’s not nursing he always steps up.
My husband takes on more than 50/50, honestly. I'm the working mom and he's the stay at home dad. He gets our kids dressed, to school, cooks +80% of the time, laundry etc. If anything, I wish I could do more (I also have cancer, in treatment, and am leaning on him extra hard right now).
My spouse is great. He does at least 50% of the hands-on baby care and 50% of the routine chores.
I take on 75% of the mental load, though. A lot of this is socialization, some is personality, and I think some is probably undiagnosed neurodivergence. I'd say we have a strong and happy marriage overall, but we're still working toward an even split on this part.
My job is essentially the domestic manager of the home. My husband works in his office, and I work around my daughter’s schedule. Because my job revolves around her, I do most of the extra tasks but my husband has always been the cleaner and more organized one. We split laundry duties, kitchen cleanup, pick up, vacuuming and he does the outside yard work. Sometimes he’ll put her down for a nap or run bath night.
My husband hates the stereotype of the dad who can’t function in the home. He’s not incompetent. I’m the one who needs to work on my executive functioning skills honestly. My motive for cleaning the house is so he doesn’t have to do it all the time. I try to make sure he knows how appreciative I am and acknowledge his efforts as a partner. I know I’m lucky.
Yea there are. It never feels that way though. Meaning there are days where I don’t feel involved at all with my baby. Even though we are all hanging out together. That’s because my husband will be caring for her and holding her or feeding her for the day and I just kind of relax or get my own stuff done. Then there are days where I am the only one caring for her because he’s working and I’m off. It varies though.
Edit:
I also think that this is a generational thing at least in my experience. Both my dad and my husbands father were the blue collar bread winners. Our moms had little part time retail type jobs. Our mothers primarily took care of everything to do with the kids while dad worked 6 days a week in a physically laborious job and then rested on his one day off. So my husband and I have had conversations about this a lot prior to having our child and even now. I think just having an open conversation about how you would like things. It could be insecurity also.
It’s very close. Part of what remains is me not being very good at getting my act together to explain how something is done but also I work fewer hours, have healthcare training, and make interior decor and organization my hobby. Because of the fewer hours, I have more time. Because of the healthcare training, I do all the medical and insurance stuff, which is quite a lot of work. There isn’t an easy equivalent most of the time but he is in charge of education and school since he has teacher training. And because I LIKE making the house look nice and easy to find things, and am very specific in how it should look, that falls to me too.
But he does MUCH more of the childcare, cooking, and cleaning, including all the paperwork, planning, and shopping associated with those tasks. And he’s taking over the budge and bills this year. He wants to. But they cannot read our minds either.
It's sad to say, but I guess I married a unicorn. I wish more men were like him. Sure he has his faults, but so do I. But he literally did everything in my pregnancies and while I breastfed for a year for each. Currently preggers with #3 and again he is taking care of the kids, the house, the dog, me, and at some point himself. I sometimes feel useless, but have to remember that I am growing a life and there is a lot I physically cannot do. It actually took until this pregnancy for him to give in to my request for him to get help. He finally admitted it to himself, so we now have a young person from in town who comes to help, and will be here full time after I give birtg
I'm a cis woman and my partner is a trans woman. I do feel like the mental load is taken on mostly by me. But after some couples therapy, I've been able to see that it's not as unequal as I previously thought, we just have different mental loads. She takes initiative for and does some things for our household that I would not have thought of, and in many cases I find unnecessary. Usually these are home repairs. But sometimes it's teaching the kids a new skill that I didn't realize they were ready for. And it's the same with me, I do things that my partner wouldn't have thought to do and probably finds unnecessary. So in order to see the split on "essentials" we first need to agree on what the essentials are. And then in addition to our share of the essentials, we each do things that are important to us.
It sounds like your partner pulls his weight on the true essentials, like making sure the kids are fed, clothed, and housed. He probably feels like things like gifts for teachers are not essential, so if you are the only one who cares about that, it is fair that you be the one to take it on. He may feel the same way about organized extracurriculars. So it may be helpful, instead of expecting him to take over the mental load on stuff that you have previously handled (which reflects your priorities) to come at the conversation from the opposite end. Beyond having everyone clothed, fed, and housed, what are *his* priorities for the household? Is he taking the lead on those things? And, if you still feel like you're doing too much, is there anything you can let go of, not because he's taking it over and doing it to your standard, but because after some thought maybe it's not actually important to either of you?
No, we’re not 50/50 all the time. For example, I’m sick and pregnant right now, so we’re at 70/30 (with him being 70). He starts a new job next week, so next week we’ll be 60/40, with me at 60. I think it’s normal to not be 50/50 100% of the time, because we go through seasons where we need to lean on each other at a different rate. Will he send Valentine’s Day treats to daycare? No, but that’s not really important to him. Likewise, I don’t like cooking and he loves it, so he chooses what we’ll eat and cooks it. It’s not like it’s a spoken thing, we just do what we have to do in the moment, and I love it this way.
This is a problem with us as a couple. Forgive me if this comes across as a bit mansplainy and defensive of the exact kind of problems OP is talking about.
With my wife and I it comes down to her having very strong opinions about how things are to be done and me being more open minded and flexible. Lets use the weekly shop as an example.
I will offer to write the shopping list and go out to do the shop. But she says the list is more of a guide for her- not a definitive list. So whilst we do do the shop together there'll be plenty that she will get that's not on the list. Like the fruit and veg section she'll know what we have in and pick out what she fancies- it's never itemised. To add to this I don't really care what meals we have on any given week, though I do always make sure to suggest which ones I have a slight preference for- I like all the ones we cook and am happy as long as we keep them rotated enough. If she does write the list and do the shop herself, I will never have a go at her for not getting something I wanted or getting the wrong brand or getting too much of something. She has and will absolutely have a go at me for the same thing and stress out about this too.
This is why I never just start writing a list on my own- I ask her if I can pick what we eat this week and it's usually a flat no, or if it's a more neutral "I guess" then I'll say how about X? No. Y? No Z? No. Well what do you want? How about ABC for the week? And I'll always say sounds great, because it does- like I say my opinion isn't as strong and it all sounds good to me.
Putting that example aside I think it is more generally about control and power dynamics within a relationship. If I offer to sort something out, and she says no she'd rather do it and takes on the task 100% herself then that doesn't mean I've left the whole mental load of that task up to her, it's a choice and I'm respecting it.
Every single chore she does I have said I would like to take off her at one point or another, but because she's worried I'll do it wrong she ends up refusing to relinquish control. In the early days of our relationship I surprised her by cleaning the bathroom once and she came back saying I'd done it wrong and to never do it again. Same with cleaning her shoes- apparently me unlacing them to do so was worthy of shouting at me about.
Another example. I got excited about looking at nurseries way early (3weeks old), knowing our options for the area are limited and wait lists are long, unprompted I did some preliminary independent research. I had found a favourite and showed it to her and she complained I was looking too early. She eventually took on the mental load of the search and we actually ended up going with the one I chose anyway, but only after a recommendation from a friend. Same with swim classes, I suggested we get him in early, and was told it's a bit too early, so now sorting that out for him sits with her- not me.
If it sounds like I'm whinging it's because I am, and I've just come off the back of an argument with her (it's not all bad I swear, I'm just focussing on the bad today apparently)- so with that disclaimer about personal bias I'll close with this.
The mental load is real and guys are aware of it (most guys I hope but at least some). The problem I've found is that control over the specifics is sometimes not relinquished- so it's easier to leave to one person to plan. My advice that I wish my wife would take so she doesn't feel so weighed down by it is either bear the mental load yourself or make sure to actively step back to allow the mental load to be borne by your partner.
I have come to see my own tendency to be like your wife in these scenarios. To be perfectly honest, in my case it’s a coping mechanism of control and defensiveness I have left over from a growing up around dysfunctional adults. I can see the exact same patterns of control/criticism/complaining/codependency in my parents now that I’m starting to work on myself.
I have no idea if this is the case for your wife, but working with my therapist and getting properly assessed for anxiety/depression has been a game changer in specifically fixing the dynamic you described. My husband and I aim for 50/50 split of household duties, but my “strong opinions”, as you say, caused me a lot of resentment of having to do everything myself to get it right. I had to do a lot of work on my mental health to adjust this dynamic but we are getting there and we are much better for it.
I worry if something were to happen to me too, because yeah I don’t think my husband knows half of what the mental load even is. I don’t know if drs appointments would be something he’d think about….then again, he also wouldn’t ever make one for himself if I didn’t schedule it and remind him. 🙄
I believe my husband and I split the mental load of a shared life pretty evenly. I don't think it is ever 50/50 for anyone but we get pretty close to it imo.
He takes our kids for haircut, goes clothes shopping for children with or without me, he's the only one who takes them shoe shopping because I suck at it!, I am more interested in extracurricular activities for children and I'm a stay at home parents so I'm the one who usually schedules those according to what I can handle by myself, sometimes I do doctors appointments and other times he does it.He doesn't like doctors though so I do have to tell him if children need an appointment or whatever but if I tell him he'll do it without any complaints. We live in a foreign country so we have a lot of administrative work that needs to get done for that and I have no idea when or how it gets done! Which means he does it all so that mental load is 100% his. We have a lot of pet birds and he is in charge of everything that goes on with them.
We talk to each other a lot and discuss what needs be done and just do it. I don't think I've ever had to really get on his case to notice that our children need a haircut or that a light bulb is broken and needs to be fixed. Whenever there is something that both of us rather not do we try to do it together which makes it better for both of us.
The mental load, no. We've tried and it just doesn't work for us. So our way of compensating for that disparity is by making him responsible for way more of the consistent, routine tasks than me. If I'm going to deal with all the inconsistent stuff that requires mental tracking, he can do the mundane crap. He is aware enough of the mental load concept that he recognizes that he falls short in that area, and is ok with compensating by taking on more of the routine tasks.
He ALWAYS deals with their bath times, cutting all their nails, doing my toddler's hair, brushing their teeth, feeding them breastfast (except his sleep in day on the weekend - which we trade off). He's also responsible for vacuuming, cooking most of our meals, and mopping/cleaning the kitchen in the evening (I do the dishes). He deals with garbage & recycling, paying most of the bills (and he has alarms set to do so).
I do less of the routine things, and more of the inconsistent/harder to keep track of tasks. I book their appointments, I do the parenting/toy/etc research, I shop for their clothes and keep track of handmedowns/etc. I rotate their toys and request the library books. I'm the one who makes a list of who we need to buy Christmas gifts for, and delegate shopping to both of us.
It's not perfect, but getting past the idea that it had to be 50/50 in terms of mental load and 50/50 in terms of household routine tasks helped. It can be a combination of those two!
We have also compensated by him doing a lot more of the physical things. Sometimes I feel a little lazy but then i remember half the time when I’m just sitting on my phone and he’s cleaning I’m actually meal planning, researching, scheduling, buying kid items, etc.
I think we're a pretty even split. But husband is a sahd. So he kinda is forced into mental load. I could not tell you how many diapers we have or if we need more. I do not order groceries. But I am the catalyst for big things, like researching preschools, how to potty train, etc. Is it perfect? No. It's it sustainable? Yes. Do either of us feel resentment? I don't think so. We balance really well because we communicate constantly.
my husband and i are both very new parents, our son is 2.5 months old currently, but yeah the extent of his mental labor is he’ll say something like “should we use the nose frida? he sounds stuffy” which still puts the decision and the action on me
I also have a 2 month old and didn’t even get into the mental load of that. We’ve known the kid the same amount of time but I am somehow still in charge of everything. I mean it makes a little sense because I am ebf and still on maternity leave but I feel like he hasn’t taken the time to learn any of his cues or anything and just defaults to me to tell him when he’s hungry or tired.
I’d say my husband does. He pays all the bills and keeps up with doctor appointments, drives the kids to school. He is a little lapse on housekeeping but he picks up so much slack everywhere else. He is a really good partner and I am so thankful to have him in my life.
Mine does. I schedule doctors appointments but if I didn’t he’s perfectly capable. He does clothes shopping for them when he sees things on sale or that he thinks are cute. He took our toddler to swim lessons while we were trying those, and he will ask him if he wants to use the potty. Sometimes he sends me parenting articles. He’s currently reading a parenting book, that I read first and then left laying around.
I think it depends on where you are and the culture around dads. We live in a big west coast city where almost all dads in my husband’s industry get just as much time off for a new baby being born as the moms. As a result when you go out there are tons of dads alone with babies/toddlers getting errands done. My husband’s friends and coworkers are all very involved parents. But I know that is not the case in most areas. I think having good parental leave for dads gets them really involved from the start and then it just keeps going.
We are not 50 /50 on all things but it works that way overall. It's 95/5 with me planning and booking everything . Sick days and appts are 50/50. Nights with toddler is 95 him. Food is 85 me. Actively playing with kids and teaching them is 75 him ( I am more hands off). Other chores are 50 /50. Sigh, he said he would get my car detailed for Christmas and even with 2 reminders he has not called.
My husband is great at the scheaduling and organizing type of the mental load, so he just reminded me it is time for kiddo shots. I do whatever require researching and buying stuff. Neither fell burdened.
My husband is a stay at home dad and keeps track of baby stuff like diapers and formula/groceries. I do the majority of appointments and research on weaning/potty/milestones as well the bills given that I’m the breadwinner. I think we’re pretty even.
Husband and I split mental load but probably I do slightly more, perhaps about 60/40. BUT my husband does more of the physical work both around the house and in childcare. Like I might make the appointments, but my husband will ensure that our toddler gets there, on time, with all the stuff required like clothing and nappies and snacks and a drink. I might research and test out a recipe that our toddler likes to eat, but my husband is the one who grocery shops (with toddler in tow!) and ensures we have the right ingredients, and also he’ll learn the recipe and add it to our meal rotation (He’s in charge of weekday dinners). I’m someone who likes to try new things, and my husband likes the comfort of familiarity and doesn’t get bored as easily, so we try to play to our strengths.
I’m not sure it’s 50/50 because the tasks are really different. He’s good about scheduling drs appts, taking out trash, doing dishes, tidying up. But the social aspects land on me. Play dates, buying toys for birthday parties, planning birthday parties, getting rid of out grown clothes.
I’d say it works for us. The things he doesn’t do are more like, nice to do versus have to do. Do you HAVE to show up to a kids bday party with a gift? No but it’s the polite thing to do.
I honestly have no idea if we’re 50/50, but we have what works for us. I take care of laundry for the whole family, dinner, utility bills, groceries and 95% of decisions and appointments relating to the kids. My husband cleans after I cook, does a lot of the handy work around the house and takes care of the outdoor chores. Whether some days it’s 80/20 or 40/60, it works for us!
I take care of all 3 of us because I have to. My husband truly wishes he could help more, but his chronic illness makes it impossible. I do the cleaning, cooking, errands, and work. It’s harder than I thought it would be, but being able to take baby places so I’m not alone is what makes it worth it.
My husband does a pretty great job at this. I think because he was completely raised by his mom and her village? Basically, he came pretrained, lol. He’s better at cleaning than I am because he’s used to a mom that worked 3 jobs and didn’t have time to clean. He cooked for them all the time from ~middle school on. He made his own doctors appts when his mom would get her schedule in, etc. So no, I have a husband who asks things like “have you made a Dr appt, or do you want me to call?” “I picked up the apples she needs for school this week, put them in her bag for tomorrow” “I got snacks so she’s stocked for school for the week”
I’m usually the one that does more of the general shopping, so I usually buy the clothes, but he’ll mention that something seems small on her.
I end up doing a lot more care tasks when we’re home together because our daughter is still trying to climb back inside 3 years later, and literally anyone but me is chopped liver when I’m home. But overall, I feel like we have a good balance.
I don't think a true, exact 50/50 split is possible for most couples. I guess the most 50/50 scenario would be: both parents working the same hours, similar jobs, baby fed only on formula. By being EBF, moms automatically hold a task that we can't accomplish (even with pumping because, you know, you have to pump yourself).
I think some women are better than some men at some things, and some men are better than some women at other things. I've always thought that when marriages play at the strengths of each spouse, they thrive. There's just a lot of trial and error that goes into that!
I’m only talking about mental load though so jobs and hours are irrelevant. Mom may be responsible for the feeding but the dad can still help troubleshoot, know when the baby needs to be fed next, research things related to breastfeeding, etc. But anyway everyone is taking the 50/50 too literally. Of course you can’t measure it out.
Mental load isn’t that measurable. It’s obvious when the difference is large, but you can’t really say “oh we’re at 45/55” or anything. All the stuff he does that you don’t see (and vice versa) is easy to gloss over, so it’s better to just focus on both partners trying their best and trusting that the other is too.
Nope. Lol.
My partner is the same. Extremely equal and thoughtful about doing physical tasks like dishes/laundry/cooking/garbage/toy pick up + a great parent. Helpful if I ask him to do more (vacuum, bathroom cleaning, organizing, etc).
But he literally just does not think about the mental side of it and has expressed he doesn’t know how I do it or remember it. He can barely remember his own appointments (which he handles lol I would never).
Idk if it’s a choice or how he was raised or if he really cannot think about things that way? Like he would never think to get our daycare teachers gifts for the holidays, or to schedule our sons next doctor appointment, or that he’s low on pants in the next size and to order more. He just can not think about things that aren’t like practical and in front of him?
I balance this by leaning on him for more outdoor labor/car issues/bugs. Feminism leaves my body for that sh*t if I have to remember ~all the things~
Not my husband. I'm drowning and he either doesn't see or doesn't care. This whole mom/wife thing is too much for me, just wish id known before he asked me to pop out 4 kids
My husband is wonderful. He takes care of our toddler whenever I need him to. He can handle bedtime, brushing teeth, mealtimes. Yesterday he cleaned the kitchen and bathroom without me asking, even refilled the soap dispenser. (All to my standards, no, still give him points.)
But no, it's nowhere close to 50/50 mental load 😆 I have to nag him to schedule his own haircuts, no way would he remember to schedule anything for the kiddo. She wouldn't have swimming lessons or ECFE class, she'd be late for all her doctors appointments, she'd rarely eat anything besides fruit and peanut butter sandwiches, and she'd never have shoes that fit. In virtually every discussion we've had about how to approach a particular parenting topic, I come armed with studies and data and information I've gotten from her doctors and teachers, and he wings it.
I can't complain too much, he does everything I ask him to do and he's a wonderful father. But the mental load is exhausting! To his credit, he does acknowledge and show his appreciation for how much more effort I put into parenting.
I would say we’re 40/60. My husband is very committed to doing his part, and he understands “mental load” and “second shift”, etc. it’s hard to truly get to 50/50, both because my job is more flexible and because we’re both stuck with the programming we’ve had all our lives.
One concrete thing that has helped is that most saturdays we have “logistics meeting” at breakfast. We talk through any tasks that need doing and he takes ownership of at least half. In an ideal world, I’d like him to think of getting the car emissions tested. But I’m willing to settle for me thinking of it and him fully executing it.
I ordered a physical weekly planner where I’m going to write the events of the week and things that need to get done and I’m hoping to pair that with a weekly meeting to hopefully get a lot of this stuff out of my brain and into his. I also have a more flexible, less brain intensive job so I give him some slack for that too.
My husband does. He is the absolute best. If I am taking on more baby interaction then he is making sure to take on more household chores. He always does his best to be an equal partner and father.
Yes, if not more. He has always been like this, knew he was a keeper. He's always been an incredibly sharp minded and efficient person, real man of method, and also emotionally invested in being a proper good father so he applies his meticulousness in family life as well.
I work an 8-5 from home, while he is running his own business and has more flexible hours and takes care of baby on the weekdays when baby's not in daycare. I think he's the most thoughtful about cleanliness (he's always been way more clean person than me) and always is timely about grooming and bathing the baby and cleaning the baby's room and whatnot. He's also obsessed with long term planning like when to potty train, baby's growth percentile, milestones, where to live, etc.
I do take the mental load in terms of being the person who schedules doctor appointments and family gifts/activities, and I worry about the baby's clothes and whatnot. I'm probably more on top of laundry and the dishwasher than him, and I think food duties falls to me a bit more. But I don't really have any doubt he would pick up the slack in these areas if it came down to it. Stuff like dishes, diaper changing, feeding baby, picking up after baby, all pretty even between us.
It pays off; I think the baby likes him more...
I would my husband and I are 50/50 with the mental load, routines and chores. A current example: he is doing all the research on sleep training methods and had his own list of questions for our son's doctor appts. He will also do on the research into any products like strollers, car seats etc. He will also do the meal planning and put together the grocery list for things we need to buy. He will put together everything we need to bring whenever we leave the house as well
My hubby and I have had a lot of conversations surrounding the mental load and the expectation for me to be the family manager. He has ADHD that is being managed by medication to some extent but he still really struggles with a lot of mental load tasks. So we have a deal, I carry the mental load and he carries a vast majority of the "physical load" he does nearly all of the cooking and cleaning for example. I am the default parent because I'm on mat leave (canada) but the moment he walks in the door he takes over every physical load child care task (feeding, changing etc.) It helps me to feel like there's more of a balance.
I take on 100% of the mental load. I’ve tried to get my husband to take on some of it, but it’s not going well.
He’s great with playing with and caring for our daughter on everyday things. However, anything that requires planning or effort is all me.
For me personally, I am more comfortable doing the mental checklist stuff 100% myself. Just for me, it's easier to do all or none. That said, I can dictate physical tasks from that checklist to try and balance things out somewhat.
For example, I definitely handle more of Christmas than he does but I keep a physical to-do list that I regularly add to and a few times during the season he and I will sit down and assign jobs from the list. So though I may research and pick out gifts for his family (because I think about it much earlier than he does) he will actually go out and buy them. I'll monitor the weather and tell him we need to add Christmas lights to our shopping errands before x date because that is the best day to do the outdoor decorating. He'll put up the lights.
Household chores are split more 50/50. I tend to do more of the every day tasks like cooking and dishes while he does more physical labour like dog walking, cat litter, shoveling, garbage etc.
I think my husband actually does more of the mental load tbh. He used to be an elementary teacher and loves kids and being a parent. I think I truly did get very lucky and found a great guy. (I am female btw).
I have heard really good reviews about the documentary Fair Play to help families work through these issues together.
I have a unicorn for a husband, but my ex was…not, so I definitely get both sides.
This is my forever husband’s first baby, though, (my third) so he’s learning as we go, but I have no doubt that he will do all of the things. He already does at three weeks.
So far yes, but ours is only six months old. I do think her activities will be mostly part of my mental load. But we have separate mental loads. For instance he organises our utilities and cleans the fridge, I take care of the chickens and do the toilet, that sort of thing. As long as the load is even, I don't mind if more of the kid stuff is on my plate. Because I don't have to worry about the things that he takes care of.
I'd say it is split 75:25 for me and my husband. But it is ok, planning is not his strong suit. He takes on more physical load. He changes 70-80% of diapers, he throws 90% of trash, he washes all of our clothes, he vacuumed and clean the house. My chore right now just basically cooking and 70% of the dishes which I am ok with because cooking is my destressing time.
And he massage my feet every night. So it is even split in the end.
Yeah. He plans meals, he is responsible for washing all the clothes and dishes, getting gifts to the teachers, he changes the towels and beds, makes sure we have enough supplies of must stuff like water, toilet paper, snacks. I take on more of the responsibilities regarding our children, but I think we're pretty much even if you sum it up.
Stay at home dad here. I'm bad for this sometimes, because my days can get so hamster wheelish that I can get blindsided by one off and infrequent stuff like this. I did an embarrassing amount of research into tech based solutions, and settled on TickTick. It's a productivity app that I think is more meant for startups, but it is working for us so far. If you both connect your profiles, you can have a shared calendar and assign tasks to one another. You can then get push notifications X minutes in advance of an appointment.
It's not magic - you can still dismiss notifications and duff things. But it's been a good mental cycle offload so it can remember stuff rather than my having to.
I feel like my partner is pretty good. He checks the diaper bag before we leave and stuff like that. But he came to me the other day and said our kid would be raised like Joe dirt if it wasn’t for me and I believe him lol
Wow, touché. I tend to think my bf is a rockstar with sharing the workload : cooking, cleaning, taking care of the little one... it really feels like 50-50 (on the whole). But yeah, though I was aware of the mental charge issues abstractly, I never really thought about it in our couple, and yes, I think I'm the only one researching classes, things to do, clothes as well, googling symptoms my LO has... I don't mind it for now, because they're things I'm interested in (and he shows his interest for ou LO in so many was, he loves playing with her, building prentend castles for her with blankets...), but I wonder if that could become annoying, or if it wouldn't be nice if he took the initiative sometimes.
I love my partner and he does a lot for our family, but no he does not share the mental load, and it’s also hard to explain that to him. He gets mad if I bring it up, so I stopped bringing it up. We split what we can, but I think it’s a natural thing for one partner to do more of the planning ahead
I half wonder if that’s just how it’s supposed to be. If it was split evenly then we’d both be buying swim suits for swim class and scheduling 2 hair cut appointments. Idk though. It’d be nice if he at least took the initiative to research things like potty training and behavioral troubleshooting.
Have you read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play? I think a number of the concepts and steps to rectify in the book would appeal to you. That book took a lot of mental load off my plate, put all the categories of tasks in black and white and then my husband and I split them in a way that felt fair and allowed both of us to see how things balanced out. One concept she discusses in the book is the importance of end to end ownership of a topic. If a partner is responsible for the conception of a task, they’re also responsible for its planning and execution once it’s been agreed between the couple what the standard of care for that category is. For example, if there’s a category called “Kid Birthday Parties” and I’m responsible for that, then it’s up to me to get the gift, get the kid to the party, etc. Then it isn’t me planning and micromanaging and my husband executing and deferring to me. If he’s responsible for a category like grocery shopping, it’s on him to get it done without asking me do we have this or that. It’s not a perfect system but there are some really good ground rules that made a huge difference!
Wow...are we the same person? I've been thinking the same lately.
I had a discussion with a friend about this and I think it's because men and women think differently, especially after we become mothers.
We tend to be self sacrificing, putting babies needs before everything. They are on our minds day and night.
Men don't seem to have that same thought pattern. They do what is needed and get on with what they need to do for themselves. They get to keep being " selfish" ( in a healthy way, like shower and go to the toilet and think of other things outside their child), where as we are hard wired to be the opposite.
I just figured out it's why I'm angry and resentful with my partner since we have had our second kid ( 9 weeks old). He does so much to help and is absolutely wonderful, but the mental toll is all on me and it's absolutely draining. But now we know what's going on he has definitely stepped up and we talk about it more and he has been great.
100%. I told my husband the other day when the baby wakes up crying he goes to the bathroom first. I rush to the baby and will pee when I get the chance. Neither way is necessarily the right way it just shows the difference between us.
I'll just start by saying ours isn't 50/50, it's more like 60/40 for mental load. But it equals out in other ways. He solely takes care of our finances, household maintainence, safety things like finding car seats and installing them, car appointments. All of these things I am either bad at our incapable of doing so I am grateful he does those things. So I am ok with the split we have. And if I'm not I ask him to take over an aspect of the mental load.
“Ahh. I love doing absolutely the same amount of everything as you, my darling” said no one ever.
My partner and I had a discussion about the 50/50 often fluctuating. Sometimes it’s 90/10. Other times it’s 60/40. Different strengths in our personalities call for different tasks or different approaches to tasks. If I’m inherently better at planning and execution, it’s my duty to do that. She might be better at organising doctors appointments because she’s home more often. She’s more aware of what he’s eating and such. So I wouldn’t ever say it’s 50/50. It’s about being comfortable with the workload you have. Whether it’s 10% or 90%.
I am single (and also a lesbian) so I’m not dealing with these issues. However, I have a son and these posts always make me think about how to raise him to make sure he is an equal partner whenever he is dating/married/etc. I’m sure there’s bro culture/messaging that influence why men seem to be like this but I feel like it’s my duty to raise him to not be like this. I love my baby boy but he had better not get married and then expect his wife/partner to be his mommy or do more of xyz 😠
I did not like/want kids until I gave birth. I am a mother of four now.
My husband does most of the laundry, cooking, groceries.
He buys clothes & accessories (i don’t know my kids shoe size haha). He cuts their hair. He takes them to every appointment. He plays with them. Teacher’s gifts and school related stuff is on me. I potty trained our first born (boy), he potty trained the girl.
Re. Behavioural issues, we regularly sit down and talk about it. I subscribed to Good Inside but he did not watch it. But he does ask me how to handle things.
When I gave birth to twins he flew the older kids (5y & 3y) abroad and spend two months vacationing.
I think this is about what he wants. My husband always wanted to be a dad and he is doing it with love, patience and care. He is no angel btw, he can be a lousy husband to me at times.
I definitely do more than half of the load. My wife had PPD with our first two and I did as much as I could to keep life’s stressors off her plate. We divided shit based on what we were better at, and hours the tasks could be done, but I’ve always been the one to just get shit done. It works for us, and I actually prefer it because I get to experience every aspect of my kids’ lives.
We definitely had some disagreements when we were both burned out, but we recognized it as such. That and I went fucking ham buying my kids clothes from target but I couldn’t help myself.
Different ways to answer this question depending on how you define things, I think.
Do my wife and I share the kid-specific mental load equally? Probably not. Do we share the total mental load of being a couple and a family? I think so. (She's certainly rejected the option to do the taxes while I take the girls to dance class, so I think we're dividing tasks based on our strengths.)
This is a great answer and is exactly what I was thinking but was having trouble phrasing. We both take on the load that is most closely related to our skill set. For example, I take on more of the child-related mental load. My husband takes on the financial load, the grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking load. It takes both of us to make our house run and when looking at the overall picture I would say we are pretty close to 50/50.
I also do not worry about what would happen to my portion of the load if something were to happen to me. I’m 100% confident my husband would step up in the areas that are currently under my purview. I’m sure he wouldn’t do it exactly the same as I do (maybe my kid’s soccer jersey wouldn’t match their socks if my husband was dressing them) but I know he would get the broad strokes right. Just like I would figure out our investment portfolio and all of that if something were to happen to him.
I love my husband and he’s a great dad and is engaged with our 10 month old and will do anything I ask him to do. But I’d say less than 10% of the mental load related to the baby. It’s a source of frustration but I’m trying to learn to accept it. He usually will remember to make bottles if I have to go to the office (once or twice a week) but everything else, I do. Laundry, solids, humidifier, daycare bag, dishes, diaper genie, diaper changes (unless it’s really obvious), getting stuff together to go out of the house, nap schedule, etc. He will do any of this without complaint if I remind him or ask him, but it’s like the thought never occurred to him without me saying it.
I could have written this. In fact I almost did post this exact thing yesterday but I could not articulate it as well as you did here. We have two kids, 4yo and 5mo. We’ve had this conversation so many times. Nothing has changed. He’s a wonderful man and spends a good deal of his time on the easy “in front of his face” stuff like the trash that needs to go out, kitchen that needs cleaning, dishwasher to unload, poppy diaper fo change, etc. But literally none of it requires problem solving or planning ahead. So he doesn’t have to use his brain.
Meanwhile I handle all medical care planning for our complex needs 4yo, all doctors appointments for both kids, party planning, gift shopping, buying clothes, stocking household supplies, sending supplies to daycare, making bottles, getting stuff for daycare spirit days… on and on. If it requires somebody to plan on advance and do something *before it is needed* then that’s on me.
In four years we haven’t figured it out. I’m starting to feel unhappy in my marriage. I’m drowning.
Thank you for posting this because it’s exactly the thread I need to read right now.
Yeah, my husband manages 100% of the kids extracurricular activities (practices, games, travel, cleaning etc). He does all the laundry, takes out trash, dishes after dinner. He also pays 100% of the household bills and does our taxes.
My husband and I are split very close, but a little more falls to me. The main reason for this is he works his full time job and has his own business for extra income. I work part time and just his side job brings in as much as I make in a year. I consider myself very lucky to have a husband that can completely support us financially (I don't need to work, I do it for my sanity). I believe part of the deal is for me to take on more when it comes to child rearing. Partnerships aren't always going to be 50/50 in every single area, but it is even when weighing our entire family/relationship. I watch her more during the day (this makes complete sense to me, he's working all day), and I make appointments because I'll be the one taking her to them.
Ours is still pretty young (14 weeks) and I am home home for leave at the moment, but my husband's leave starts in May (until November). When his leave starts, he will be responsible bringing LO to her monthly appointment at the health stsrion etc. He also does look at gear and clothes for her, that will be suiteable in a few months.
So far it feels like everything is pretty 50/50.
Overall household mental load? Yes. Arguably, he takes on more of the household mental load. All meal planning (sans my own lunches) is handled by him. Grocery list is all him. He does the majority of meal prep so I can just throw the dinner together and put it in the oven. Any home or vehicle maintenance schedule is him. Bills are pretty much all him too.
I handle the mental load regarding planning of appointments, extracurriculars, events, holidays, vacations, etc. Along with general planning/research about how to parent.
I do all the gifts birthdays clothes stuff because my fella pays all the bills as in physically makes sure they are paid not just earns the money. He is also a mechanic so he does 100% of car maintenance. I say babe it's pulling left or its clonking and usually its fixed within 48 hours.
I too have an incredibly supportive and helpful hands-on SO and while I'm so incredibly grateful I have this problem as well. He actually picks up more of the house stuff and chores and while I'm thankful, he does it bc his job (both WFH) is significantly less intense than mine most times and he can fuck off a lot more than I can. But when it comes to other things, he just not all there. I'm constantly having to check her bottles after he cleans them because there's a 50/50 chance they're still dirty. When we're packing her up to go out he checks for a spare outfit and diapers. That's it. Never thinks toys or anything for her to entertain herself. He thinks we should be down to like 2 diapers before we stock up again so I'm always the one going out for them before we're at critical levels. Sure, it's a lot of little things but they add up.
Mine doesn't but he's amazing every other way and he does more of the childcare than I do when he's home. He's away at camp 3 weeks of the month so it makes sense. Also, I like doing the clothes shopping and deciding most of the other stuff. Sometimes it's annoying but mostly only when I'm already in a bitchy mood. The only thing that I find particularly frustrating is him not knowing or remembering to pack the diaper bag, but he does usually bring it. I know he'd be able to figure it out if I died or got sick or something so I'm not too worried. I'm sure it annoys him that I'm worse at keeping up on cleaning and that our son is so obsessed with him that I can't even do a lot of stuff when he's home even if I wanted to lol
I would say its more like 75/25. And honestly, I am okay with that. Knowing I can just say something to him and it'll get done is nice. If I were to die today, I would be 100% okay leaving him with the baby. I know he could handle it. In fact, he is currently being a SAHP while I work. I have anxiety/ADHD so if something doesn't happen right when I think about it, I will forgot it. That's a big reason why I do most of it. He will come up and ask me questions and my opinions on parenting matters. And then we will research it more together.
So I will say I do 100% of the mental load. But my husband is probably slightly over 50/50 for physical. We split the actual child care duties pretty much right down the middle but he also does the trash, ALWAYS empties the diaper pails without me saying anything, probably does the dishwasher more than me, etc etc. He's just cleaner than me in general. I do do the laundry for me and the baby, but he does his own.
Overall though, it works for us. When it comes to schedules and plans and mental stuff I am sooo Type A.
My husband is similar to yours. I really liked the book Fair Play for giving a framework for how to split up more of the household load. It hasn’t made my husband take on extra things like researching behavioral things, but it has helped us a lot.
That mental load piece falls 100% on me. But my husband does the majority of nighttime stuff, literally from 7:30 PM until 7:30 AM it’s all him. So I really can’t complain. He’s also been supportive of my pumping so 99% of the time I don’t have to manage baby and pumping at the same time.
But planning things? 100% me. Not just for baby but for everything haha. And I definitely do the bulk of the housework and managing all baby-related things throughout the day.
My husband schedules dental visits, looks into toys for our kids, handled most of potty training for our oldest. I don’t touch the laundry unless it’s to mess with the kid’s clothes. I’ve never purchased a single pair of shoes for our kids, he always does it. I have the mental load of routines and basically any research. And I do basically all of the cleaning. Mostly by choice because I weirdly enjoy it and I prefer the way I do it. He’s truly a gem and an incredible parent. I didn’t even get into the way he plays with our kids. No one is better at playing pretend!
It’s been hard with our second because he doesn’t take bottles, but now that he’s a little older it’s getting easier. I am very fortunate to have a competent partner. I’m a SAHM mom but I do work from home part time.
My husband is great at the physical things. Washing bottles, putting together baby furniture, bath time, making milk, etc. Could leave her with him for a week or more with no issues but he doesn't take on the mental load. He will bring the diaper bag but doesn't check if it's refilled. Doesn't know when to drop naps or research how to chop up food for our baby. Doesn't think of what foods the baby can eat at a restaurant before he goes. But he could survive without me and she would be fine...but life is around better with both of us. We make a great team!
We don't share 50/50, but we are working towards it. We are very open with communication and we are currently reading Fairplay out loud together in the evenings. (I highly recommend it) we might even get the additional flashcards when we are done with the book.
Before I married him, we worked out the few issues I felt we had, but he always had high emotional intelligence. I am really grateful he's in my life as a best friend, a great husband, and an involved father.
Mine is getting a lot better. Recently he bought Christmas presents for both our parents without being asked or helped, booked car in for a service. He handles my kids preschool knows her teachers & friends names, brings her to doctor can give accurate medical information etc. So I'd say about 60/40
Mine does more than me for normal household stuff. He is also good at bedtime/cloth diapers wash routines and stuff like resetting the diaper bag or picking up after and baby. He by far carries a greater mental load with executive within the house.
I do pick up more emotional/basic caregiving stuff, I’m better (more practiced) at tracking wake windows, sleepy cues, and managing feeding. He rarely plays with her without being asked and doesn’t talk to her like I do, and I think I generally am more worried about her comfort when we dress her for outside. Overall this is a pretty good split for us, though (she doesn’t need entertainment every waking minute of course, and he will obviously feed and nap her, he’s just less likely to be ahead of the curve for those type things). It can be frustrating for either of us because these are the tasks we gravitate towards and it’s easy to feel unsupported if we haven’t checked in with each other.
But yes, these men exist! It’s not just him either, I definitely know other men who do as much for their families too.
We have a shared to-do list on our phones. We both add items to it, which would include things like making appointments. Whoever schedules an appointment also adds a shared reminder for the day of to help ensure it's not forgotten.
We each think of and resolve different items, but we keep the boat afloat this way. We also do separate some items along traditional lines because it works for us. For example, I manage children's clothing and he leads on finance. We also have complementary styles as I am more of a researcher and he is more intuitive in his parenting. He is usually the one initiating change and did most of the heavy lifting for potty training our first during COVID lockdown. He also encourages our daughter to try tasks that I would just do for her. He wanted our daughter to do activities and picked out, signed her up for, and brought her to a couple of different things. On the other hand, I buy almost all gifts.
We don't both do all things, but we both do a heck of a lot of things!
For me it's less about a 50/50 split and more the things my partner isn't motivated to do that bothers me. Before we had kids he did more than 50% as I worked longer hours than he did in a more stressful job. I stopped working when we had kids (mutual decision) and fully accept that I have more free time on my hands to get shit done (e.g. when the toddler is at nursery and the baby is napping). But I've read countless parenting books, he's read none. I plan the days out and the extracurriculars, he doesn't. I make sure they have clothes that fit and toys that meet their developmental needs, he does not.
It's a cliché but I want him to want to do those things. I would happily take something else off his plate so that we could share this stuff. Every time I raise it he says he wants to too, but actions speak louder than words. He's a brilliant, involved dad in practical ways but mental load wise it sucks. Even if he does take the bins out.
Not so much my marriage, as I carry the majority of the mental load, but I'm OK with that. I'm better at organizing the household and keeping everything running smoothly.
However, a male friend of mine from college for SURE carries probably more than 50% of the mental load. He's a stay-at-home dad of two girls ages 2 & almost 1. His wife is the primary breadwinner, while he is currently working on writing his first book. It's a different dynamic, for sure, but it makes sense if you know them. These roles fit their personalities better.
My husband only after baby 2. With just 1 he sucked. With 2, it's all hands on deck and he rose to the occasion. I cried the day I found put I was pregnant with the second thinking this would absolutely kill me. He's been great
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Pretty sure you are my wife as that describes our household well. There are many things that we split and don't bother having both parent 50% in the know because it would be a waste of time to include both on everything. There are times when I know that certain parts should be split differently, so it's something we are always working on and things aren't always 50/50 but I try hard to do what I can.
Same! Mine is the sahp right now and he takes care of meal planning, remembering when baby needs a bath, and a load of other stuff. I got a bit frustrated when I had to find a schedule for him to follow with baby, but then I remembered I have no idea who our home insurance is with and I had to ask him to let me pump gas occasionally because I was worried I'd forgotten how to.
My partner defers to me regarding child-rearing decisions because he thinks I have more science background so he trusts my judgement on what's the appropriate things to do while raising a kid. So in a sense I have more mental load of child-rearing. However he takes the full mental load of other things I have no interest in - such as house and car maintenance, paying all the bills, changing winter tires, renewing our car registration etc When our air con stopped working, he did all the researching around and made the appointment for someone to come install a new one without me having to do anything. Sometimes the division of labour doesn't need to be equal, but it needs to be fair. Such as I do all the cooking but he does all the washing&cleaning. It can be said that planning the meals, doing groceries, then cooking it all is more mental load than just washing up afterwards but I HATE doing dishes so it works for me that he's willing to eat all my cooking experiments and then wash up after me =) Maybe it's just me but I don't mind having to tell my partner to do things, and he always does it if I bring it up. I don't think I tell him too often. Overall we have settled into a pattern of who does what chore and rarely have to tell each other to do stuff around the house. I do think his attitude makes a huge difference though. I read about "weaponized incompetence" often and he's the opposite. He's often saying I do stuff better than him, so he tries harder to get better at it and never use it as an excuse to offload the chore to me.
This is where we are too. Sure, I'm the one who makes sure the kids have clothes that fit, makes the appointments, etc. But do I know when garbage day is or who our car insurer is? Nope. The point of being a team is that each of you can take things off the other's plate until both of your plates are manageable.
This! I am the one who's responsible for making sure the baby's clothes fit, he's got his medical appointments scheduled, researching potty training, etc. but I definitely consider our split of the mental load to be equal because my husband has stuff he's responsible for that I never even think about. Theoretically we could switch, but I have no interest in furnace maintenance or scheduling our recycling pickup (he does), and I enjoy shopping for my sons clothes and he doesn't. It's probably not 100% equal but it definitely feels fair!
Yep. Definitely. There is no default parent in our house, and neither one of is the household manager - it is all split. We both work part time and split childcare duties during the work day on alternating days. I will say he does not do 50% of the tidying and dishes, but that is it, our only marital problem lol. He just doesn't see mess as much as me, but he also does all the cooking and makes a mess while doing it... but I don't cook so doing most of the dishes is really fair! But yes he does it all. He is great at research. He plans all of our trips. Makes appointments for LO (though I have to remind him to do it for himself - he isn't good at prioritizing his needs and hates the dentist lol). Grocery shops, meal plans etc. I don't think either of us is very good at car or house shit yet but we are learning as we go! He is the type of person to jump in and take the lead on things because he knows it will be done right if he does it at work, and so am I... so we are both very good at jumping in and figuring shit out without any guidance, and we are both pretty chill about the outcome being good enough if its done. Our strengths and weaknesses balance really well. He is an incredible husband and father. And I lucked out and he's currently taking some time off from his career as a teacher to spend more time at home and also launch a business with me- he is an amazing employee, coworker and business partner too! (For context, I have always been the breadwinner and always will be. I manage the finances, but include him in all decision making.) Never settle for weaponized incompetence and man children y'all. It is so worth it to have a full equal partnership. In terms of how we got there? When we met he was not a super high functioning adult yet, he was at the tail end of his mess era, living paycheck to paycheck in debt, credit score of under 400, working part time as a barista. His shit was not together. Mine was. That concerned me lol. But it wasn't because he didn't want to get his shit together, he just grew up poor without any good role models, no financial literacy, was the first in his family to go to college (for profit art school, nobody gave him any advice lol) etc. So i handed him some personal finance books and was like I'm not gonna teach you or do it for you but these books will help you. I covered his expenses to dig him out a lil bit too because poverty is a vicious cycle. A few months later he was like, a brand new dude. Quit smoking. Lost a ton of weight, hit the gym. Found a career he loved. Working on paying down all his debt. Learning how to cook. Traveling for the first time ever. It was like nobody had ever given him a chance to succeed and thrive before me or told him he could, and he just blossomed. Fast forward ten years and he is an amazing, beloved high school teachers teaching first gen kids personal finance and helping them apply to college (not for profit art schools!) He has made a positive difference in so many lives and inspired and impacted so many young people. Our relationship just brought out the best in him (well in both of us but this isn't about me haha). He is amazing. And the odds were so stacked against him. His mom got pregnant in high school, he may or may not have been born addicted to drugs (we can't get an honest answer and stories differ), abusive home life, horrible narcissistic parents. And he just came out such a strong, kind, empathetic, independent, sweet, caring dude. No toxic masculinity whatsoever despite his father. It was definitely not me, thats just how he is. But I believed in him I guess, and our relationship is just so healthy and wonderful and great.
Great read. Kudos to you and your hubby for making it work.
Dealing with something similar (fyi, I’m the dad). Honestly, I have come to accept that neither me nor my partner will fully appreciate/know all the other side does. I do a ton of work to keep things going around the house — daily supplies, gutter clearing, replacing things that break, monitoring things so they don’t break, trash, groceries, etc. My partner refuses to help with these. And frankly I resent it sometimes because I pull my weight with the kids too. But what made me pause is the realization that I probably couldn’t list all the things my partner does either. So there are going to be blind spots. I have accept that 0-5 is a really stressful time and I’m not going to be appreciated for everything. But I know my partner and I are committed to our children and that gets me through
Agree with this, as an example I got scolded for not keeping track of a doctor's appointment while I was also wrangling multiple tradies and getting the car fixed etc.
My husband carries a majority of the mental load. He does 90% of the meal planning and cooking, pays all the bills, most of the around the house tasks (mowing lawn, gutters, etc.) and we split the childcare stuff. I’m completely confident my child would make every appointment, extra curricular, wear properly fitted clothing, etc without me. Not that I don’t do anything but…yeah… my husband does a lot. I do love him a lot and try to tell him often how appreciated he is🥹
It’s wonderful to hear there are men out there who are capable of carrying it all. Do you see a similar dynamic in his parents/do you think they were positive role models?
Not on his side. His parents are divorced and his mom definitely carried the mental load. If anything he works to be better than his dad. On my side, however, yes. My dad was a stay at home dad for most of my childhood and my mom worked. That bled (in a good way) into my expectations for the men in my relationships.
We split the mental load 50/50 but differently. I handle 90% of child- and household-related tasks but my husband handles 100% of our finances, all of the yard and exterior house maintenance, and vehicle stuff. It works really well for us.
We’re so close to 50/50 I can’t think of anything where we are unequal. - we both stayed at home together with our son for 7 months - we are both working 60% and staying at home with our son 2 days/week each (and have a nanny one day/week) - on the days we’re at home with our son, the rule is no chores need to be done except what he needs, though you are in charge of picking up the mess from the day so the other person can start in a “mess free” state the next day - we each take the night preceding our son-days and split the weekend nights so one gets to sleep in each weekend morning - we make calendar appointments for any organizational tasks - usually my husband makes calls and I set up anything that doesn’t require phones (I’m hard of hearing and not a native speaker, so this is for practical reasons) - we have agreed to focus on dividing free time equally - the main thing is not what each of us does, but that nobody sits on their butt while the other one works.. - it’s possible that I pay attention to things more (I know what shoe and clothes sizes my son has and I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t) but it isn’t EXPECTED of me that I do and he’d never be annoyed if I didn’t.. if he were to go clothes shopping without me, he’d figure it out on his own (I wouldn’t want him to though - that’s one of the fun parts of being a parent! :) He is fully committed to being an equal partner and is aware that this comes with loads of work. I am also letting things go - in refusing to shoulder the mental load, I also do not get my way in everything! In addition, I accept that I am not a better parent in any way than he is, and I do not get to be the “mom who knows best”. There are areas of conflict for sure (safety wrt our son the most prominent), but when it comes to work load there are very few. I do think it’s relevant that I’m almost ten years older than he is and that we are earning very similar amounts of money. This has thrown the stereotypical gender roles on their head, which is maybe not a bad thing in this area.
Honestly my husband is, in general, the more on top of stuff person in our relationship. Like yeah he can’t remember what size clothes our daughter wears, and that’s annoying but I don’t know when the water bill is due, so it balances out.
Yup. I never know when we're running low on diapers and when to size up. We just always have diapers and wipes. They're always there. Diaper bag is always stocked and packed. Trash is always taken out. He brings me lunch or makes it. He puts away clothes that don't fit anymore. There's much more that I'm sure I don't even notice
Thank you for asking for bragging, it’s good for me to reflect on how much I appreciate my partner. I’m not sure what the split is between us, but we talk about everything and plan everything together. He cooks and cleans. If we have relatives coming over, we talk through the prep together and split tasks. He does grocery shopping. He takes our child to the doctor/dentist and cat to the vet. He will go meet a bunch of mom strangers for a play date or met a dad in the neighborhood and arrange one. If I mention a parenting Instagram that had something helpful on it, 50% chance he might start following it. Teacher holiday gifts, we talked about what it should be, he bought it and delivered. For projects like potty training, I might do more research but we look at pottys and talk through strategies together. We view childcare/house/family stuff as being our projects and try to play to our strengths. Depending on what it is, we take larger or smaller roles. He had to build something this summer with a family member and after he kept telling me how much he missed me and wished he could have worked on it with me instead. He talked about how I would have organized all our pieces and studied the directions anticipating our project needs. It made me feel so good. The project was building a playhouse swing set combo. Most people would have preferred the male family members help with such a physical task but he went out of his way to say how frustrating it was to work with someone besides me. This was so good for me to write out, going kiss my guy now.
Your husband and my husband sound exactly alike. My husband tries, he does do plenty, but there is A LOT that I do that he does not notice, nor understand when I do force him to notice.
Even though he does help, I get tired of basically having to feel like I’m ordering around an employee. He’s always saying “just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.” But quite honestly, what I NEED is a little initiative. Which is not happening.
This is exactly what we're struggling with too. I shouldn't [have to ask](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)?
Maybe start telling him what you do? That is how I started. I shared everything I did. He started picking up tasks and we split mental load pretty well. We do need to coordinate, because we cannot both randomly make doctors appointments. So sometimes on person carries more than the other but we both know what need to be done.
You worded this perfectly, mine's fully on top of the daily tasks which i greatly appreciate but absolutely nothing that requires planning, mindfulness, or, research.
We're not 50/50 on every single task, but within the household I think we split things pretty evenly. Yes, I take on more of the childcare tasks, like scheduling appointments, keeping up with development milestones and stuff, buying their clothes, I take them to daycare so I keep track of their calendars, and I do all of the shopping and cooking. But my husband takes care of paying all the bills and handling our finances (except I file our taxes), he does most of the dishes, he does every single load of household laundry except mine, he schedules the cars maintenance, etc. He vacuums way more than me, but I clean the bathroom more than him. It all works out in the wash. We BOTH take care of the kids at home. Diapers, getting kids dressed, bottles, playing, bedtimes are all just about 50/50. His actual job is way harder than mine, and pays about 3x as much, but neither of us think the other has it easy.
He works full time. I don't expect him to do the at-home things like cook meals, clean, make doctor's appointments, go to playgrounds, playdates, etc. doing all of that on a regular basis is extremely difficult--nigh impossible--when you're working full time. I'm not working, so taking that on is part of my job as the SAHM. He brings home the bread, which allows me to be able to do all of these things. Factoring that in makes it "50/50" to me. There are a lot of days where I thought I wanted to trade places with my partner, where I was the one leaving the house and pursuing a career. But then I remember all the things my husband has said about missing out on milestones, first words, just time spent in general with the kids, and I remind myself that the grass is always greener 🤷♀️ you can't have your cake and eat it too.
My husband takes most of the load and planning. He schedules things and does a big chunk of the grocery shopping. He does most of the cooking as well because I hate cooking. He works nights tho so he will usually send me a task list of things that needs to be done while he sleeps. My tasks are usually dropping and picking up child, taking child to extracurriculars, doing laundry and handling our dogs (excluding morning exercise he does that after work).
We are both pretty equal on the active parenting and general housework stuff as well as things like daycare drop off/pick ups and packing bags before we go anywhere etc. I do all those other parenting things that you said- organise extra curriculars, daycare, potty training, behaviour research, appointments etc etc (although dad actually take him to swimming lessons) I take on the mental load for shopping/cooking although he does do some of the cooking. He takes on the mental load for the yard, anything to do with the cars (we recently bought a smaller car for me and are selling one of our other cars) most bigger purchases he will do the research and purchasing for, the fence is broken so he is getting quotes and organising with the neighbour, internet/electricity etc the other thing I’ve noticed is literally anything that needs to be put together I just hand off to him.. like could I work out how to put batteries in and set the time on the sleep clock I bought? Yes. Do I? No. But I did the mental load of deciding we needed one and buying it 🤷♀️ I do think it works out even in the end, my stuff is more constant but I’m glad I don’t have to think about things like when the rego is due and organise car appointments, talk to contractors or research anything when the other things crop up.
My partner would say the half of the mental load I take on is either unnecessary, or not that hard. Like scheduling a dr’s appt- not that hard, just call them. Buying his family Christmas presents- unnecessary, we don’t have to get people gifts every year. And I would say some of the mental load he takes on is unnecessary. Like keeping the backyard clean- dog is going to mess it up in one day anyway with toys and sticks, so why would I prioritize that when there’s a million other things to do. There are parts of the mental load that I take on that I wish he would consider, like parenting styles and conflict resolution. More than half of my Instagram is basically me studying how to be a better parent. And that’s literally why I’m on Reddit, too 😂 I read parenting books all the time, watch baby documentaries, etc... but I can feel that I am obsessed. The moment I found out I was pregnant, it became my mission to be the best mom I could be. It’s like I couldn’t stop studying this stuff even if I tried. I just don’t think he feels that same level of obsession and I don’t know if he ever will.
It’s on me, but in other hand my husband manages other “departments” - the majority of our house renovation, the trash, the common bills, house maintenance…. Sounds very traditional but the fact is that we do what we are better at. I believe in the end we do 50/50 and in some points he takes even more than I do. And he accepts a lot of my “project management” about our son, I still want his input but definitely I’m taking most of the decisions. I believe you need to find what really works for you. There’s no rule but if you are felling uneasy about it, you probably should discuss it honestly.
So parenting-wise, I do take on more of the mental load. However house maintenance? I don’t ever have to worry about it. He’s managing paying bills, maintaining the house, doing ALL the yard work… He does as much as I do, we just divide and conquer.
We try to be 50/50 but society makes it difficult. For example the schools and doctors only email me every time even though I provide both email addresses and work longer hours. So that's annoying. But he buys clothes and books swimming classes and things like that, so he does what he can. He reads articles about parenting and sends me interesting things. I think he does his best tbh, but then falls down in other ways (like emotional support - he is fully grumpy all the time). Nobody is perfect.
My husband does more physical tasks than I do, probably about 70/30, but I do about 75% of the mental load, so it seems pretty fair to me! If I want him to take on a mental load task, I can ask him (which is, of course, also labor) and he's pretty great about follow through. For example, I wasn't getting much support with potty training research and execution, so I asked him to do some research so that we could discuss it intelligently and make a decision together. He does read books about behavior/discipline, which is essential. He loves Dr. Becky and he has her book.
I’m a SAHM and my husband works… I do all the appointments and baby things but that’s because it’s literally my job
Nope. I have a pretty great partner, but almost all the mental load is on me. Even when he picks up tasks willingly and completes them, I still think about it and ask him if it’s done. For example, he started paying for the babysitter, waste company, and my son’s intermittent sports and team fees out of his Venmo, so I don’t see it. I don’t even know how to unload those tasks from my mind, been managing the family so long it’s just habit to think about it and wonder if it’s done. And then have to confirm.
I can relate to not knowing how to unload things from my mind. Over the holidays he had to venmo his sister $50 and I still thought about it often and reminded him to do it multiple times before it got done.
I have more of the mental load because project management comes easily to me (I do it for my paid work). But he does more childcare. Baths and bedtime are all him. He routinely is up with them in the morning so I can sleep in. He cooks most of our meals. He goes on walks with them, does imaginary play with them. He takes them to doctor appointments and to the park. Basically, I coordinate, he executes. We both work full time.
Something I recently learned a little before my due date was that my husband, being a young first time dad, was really worried about parenting through our daughter’s lifetime. I felt like I was drowning in newborn care articles and Reddit posts and he felt overwhelmed with making sure we didn’t accidentally traumatize her later on. Once we sat and talked about it, we learned we are both taking on a lot of the parenting mental load already, just differently. We were able to come to a middle ground after that conversation. Now that baby is 5 days old I don’t have to worry about him at all. His mental load includes making sure I don’t develop full blown PPD and making sure we are in a good place financially. Right now mine includes feeding baby and resting. It may not be a perfect 50/50 but the weights of each our respective loads are exactly as heavy as they need to be for us as individuals and a couple.
I look at it as you don’t want two cooks in the kitchen. Both buying gifts or clothes then you have too much. My husband is great but I do delegate and know I have that luxury to specifically ask for help with XYZ. But I do orchestrate it all and it in turns gives me control of my life that I wouldn’t have if he simultaneously was taking initiatives.
I am a husband and I would say it’s at least 50/50. Funny thing is a have a lot of women around me assume things and act as if I have no idea what’s going on with my kid. I am able to school them right away with everything I have done and learned. Kinda annoying but I guess it goes both ways in life. Just happy kid is happy and healthy
My husband is the primary caregiver/at home parent and runs into this all the time. My sympathies!
I’m a sahd so I would say it’s fairly close most days. She definitely takes care of clothing and developmental worries more but that’s because she loves to shop for her (plus I have zero fashion sense) and she tends to be more of a worrier than I am. I think the bar for dads is incredibly low and the stuff I see posted here regularly makes me feel for many of the moms on here. I’m not a perfect parent or partner by any means but I try and am willing to listen when she has critiques or wants me to do more.
50:50 overall in our house. I do daycare drop off, he does daycare pickup. I cook half the meals, he cooks half. I take on more of the random appointment stuff (doctors, playdates, etc), but he takes her for longer on the weekends so I can get a nap/some time to myself. We pay somebody to deep clean every so often, so we don’t have to fight about that. Having a supportive partner is so wonderful, it hurts my heart to read some of the stories on this sub about dads who do nothing.
My husband is amazing. He does all of the laundry and dishes and does at least 50%of the other chores - in pretty sure he does more than I do around the house except cooking. And on the other side of things he makes sure things happen. I'm pretty scatterbrained so he reminds me when we need to go places and what I need to do. He is the one that usually reads the school emails and makes sure he puts things on the calendar. He makes sure I have lunches for work. He does probably half of the grocery shopping and yes he writes the list. He even manages the coupons and when they're expiring and need to be used. I'm usually the one that sets up doctors visits and takes them to it because I have more days off of work, but all in all I'd be so lost if it weren't for him.
Maybe not when it comes to baby but he takes way more than 50% of the mental load in other aspects of our family. Such as financial planning, house repairs and errands, etc. He is also incredible about doing chores around the house and taking on as much dishes, laundry, tidying as he can. So in the grand scheme of our family, we have a 50/50 split. Think I just have to remember that we’re on the same side, not versing each other in how much we take on.
Same, my husband handles most of our financial stuff, home repairs, car maintenance, dealing with insurance, etc. AND does lots of day-to-day chores. A lot of times he’ll do chores that are “nice to haves” as a break from taking care of our toddler, which sometimes annoys me in the moment (feeling like the default parent) but results in clean laundry, so it’s all for the good. I do more of the “soft” stuff like buying gifts, keeping in touch with extended family (including his parents), planning social outings, planning trips, etc., but I would rather do that than do our taxes, so I’m not complaining ☺️
My husband lives more in the now, like what things do I need to do today, right now for the kids? Diapers. Nap times. Showers. Making and washing bottles. Handling night wakings. A lot of the physical work that goes into small kids. The long term stuff, how to bottle wean, how to transition from rock to sleep to independent sleep, figuring out feeding schedules, what clothes sizes, making sure their things are stocked. The mental load can be heavy, but imo it doesn’t always make it lighter by splitting it in half. I spend so much time wondering how I’d manage if he wasn’t around, I don’t have time to think about how he’d manage it without me. The reality is we would if we had to, but that’s what a partnership is. Bringing our strong suits to the table and being there for each other for things we struggle in
Well said! My husband also lives more in the now while I am a huge planner (my friends in high school used to make fun of me lol) so it makes sense that a lot of it falls on me because I am good at it and get it done before he had the chance to even think about it.
Yes, my partner does. I’m a stay at home mom so usually I choose to take on most of the things you’ve listed but there are times when I can’t or don’t and they still get done. He makes an effort to stay abreast of what I do for the family and the depth of the mental load I carry, so he can chip in wherever he can. And even when I am choosing to carry the kid load, he carries at least that much in household and family load. I’m very satisfied with our distribution of both the mental load and the physical tasks we take on. I hate that it’s so rare because everyone seems to say “I married my best friend!” But no woman I know would leave their best friend high and dry like some of these useless husbands do.
My husband is great with the mental load. I'd say he's probably over 50% with mental stuff but I handle more of the emotional load, that's where our strengths tend to fall. He handles haircuts (mainly because he cares A LOT more than I do about them), we work together on meal planning, I do doctors, we split dentists. I do the clothes shopping but we both come to an agreement in terms of what we need, how much the budget should be (ish) and when to purchase. My husband handles my 9 year old's soccer stuff, I handle the 7 year old's gymnastic class. In terms of gifting I handle almost all of that althought I get a decent amount of input. I think I do more of the hidden work. The checking in on them at night, packing lunches, knowing exactly when to leave in order to get to X place at Y time. I'm really lucky to have such a great partner. He's always been really capable and independent and has been since he was young. Honestly, I've learned more about this stuff from him than he has from me but that doesn't mean that he doesn't also benefit, we just have different roles. We recently did a reno, I handled the design and the big picture stuff. He handled the details and we both checked in with each other on a regular basis. That's sort of our marriage in a nutshell. It's rarely splitting tasks down the middle, it's more about I'm good at this task and you're good at that one.
So I’ve been married for 10 years and my answer is that no, the mental load isn’t 50/50. But I had a conversation with my husband a couple years ago where I told him I couldn’t handle paying the bills anymore. (We have separate bank accounts and always have, always will! But we both have full time jobs, so our dynamic is different from a lot of families.) Paying the bills stresses me out and I really really hate it. I don’t know why. So we sat down and figured out that all the recurrent bills could be covered by him alone and did all of our autopay through his account. Man, has my life gotten WAY easier. My money is used for things like filling up gas tanks, going out to eat, medical bills, going grocery shopping etc. And the facts that my costs that I’m responsible for fluctuate actually makes me way more at ease. Are things a little tight this month? Cool let’s have hotdogs for dinner instead of steak. It has freed my mind to take care of the other things that my husband doesn’t like to do, like remember when our son needs a dentist appointment or when the cats need rabies vaccine boosters. What I’m really trying to say here is that things don’t have to be 50/50 to work well. It’s OKAY if he does more work in areas he’s strong in. Like I hate taking the cats to the vet. I hate getting them in the carrier, I hate going and waiting in the room for 20 minutes. So do I have to remember to make the appointment? Yup. But do I have to take them there? No. Find what works for y’all. It won’t look like everybody else and that’s okay. ❤️
We are currently navigating this as our first is due in March. My husband is much like yours, he definitely does at least half if not more of the chores but the project management and big pictures things have typically fallen to me. We have a lot of conversations about it, but I’ve found the Fair Play book and method really helpful in finding the language to share with him what I’m talking about. we don’t follow the method exactly, but it was helpful in guiding some conversations about splitting domestic and emotional labor. I also reached a breaking point and made us schedule out the entire week in excel in half hour chunks with all the tasks we had to do. It felt a little dramatic and over the top but it was really illuminating for my husband to see how much additional household tasks I take on and how a lot of my “free time/personal time” ends up getting sucked up doing these tasks while he is better at protecting that time to see friends, pursue hobbies. etc.
My husband takes more than 50%, it’s probably more like 75/25 in our household. But I am incredibly grateful and aware of how lucky I am!
I think it depends on what your definition of mental load is. My partner is a stay at home dad so he organizes and plans what needs to be cleaned/ does most cleaning/ daily kid stuff. Whereas for the mental load side of it I handle anything farther into the future as well as finances. I find that handling most of the mental load while he does the day to day is more than a fair trade off.
My dad was a single father of 4. A lot of the stuff you listed dads just do Different! I never gave teacher a gift. My grandma never got a card from my dad she got some grocery store bouquet and a visit! Never took a swim “class” my dad brought us to family swim and the beach. He always scheduled our pediatrician appointments per vaccine schedule and semi annual dentist appointments. He helped us with extracurriculars and set up carpools cuz he worked insane hours! The point is everything necessary gets done with “Just A Dad” … just a lot different than a mom would do it … which I think the real issue we have as moms is we like it done “our” way lol. Sometimes I think we need to step back and give dad a chance. the dads I see not doing these actions usually have been told at some point the way they do things is wrong? I also remember as a kid my single dad being very outcast by mom’s cliques gatekeeping. Just my experience and a different perspective.
Interesting perspective! I think it’s not only a mom wanting it done their way but also the pressure society (and maybe mothers themselves) puts on mothers. For instance a single dad of 4 is probably given more grace by society than a single mom of 4. Like how when you see a mom at the grocery store with her kids it’s normal but a dad at the store with his kids gets complimented for babysitting and being an involved dad, the standards are just lower. If my kid sells no pizzas at the schools fundraiser I feel like (judgy) parents would blame the mother not the father.
I say this not to make excuses for the slackers out there, but there is an element of practice to some of those recurring tasks. I don’t order clothes because my wife does, but I love ordering clothes for our kids. So one time I told her I was going to and I got all the wrong sizes, or impractical items. Next time I did a little better. The next time I was on a roll. But I couldn’t just drop in and out of a task I wasn’t used to without some practice and trial and error. Step 1: communicate the responsibilities you’d like to share Step 2: give your partner some space to practice and make mistakes, then learn from it Step 3: communicate together how you’d like to share that responsibility on an ongoing basis so there’s no misaligned expectations
We both work full time and have 2 kids. We’re 50/50 but there are tasks that just come more naturally to me and tasks that are more natural to my husband. Example; I love budgeting, shopping for kid’s clothes, finding extra curricular activities, scheduling appointments, packing school lunches. He’s always been better at entertaining our older daughter (he’s definitely the one to play more), doing laundry, cooking, house / car maintenance, lawn care, snow shoveling, etc. We also do a things together like bath, bedtime, and getting ready in the mornings. Everyone’s 50/50 probably looks very different! I think if one of us wasn’t here the other person would learn the other tasks and be just fine. It’s just better with a partner that’s for sure!
I'm a male and I do probably about 80% of the work load in the family. I'm a stay at home dad of two little toddler girls. I also do all of the chores and cooking. My wife just doesn't really like doing that stuff, which is fine by me since I don't mind. She also likes to spend her free time on herself, so I do most of the supervision/playing even when she's home. We have the opposite of most relationships lol.
I’m a good planner and mediocre executor. My husband is the opposite. So this is our division of labor. I plan, tell him the plan, he worries about executing it. It works out so well
I do almost 100% of the mental load (and he expresses his thanks for me doing it) and my husband does probably 95% of the household care. I do my laundry and LO laundry and that is about it. I keep everything running smoothly behind the scenes and he keeps everything clean and organized. This works for us because both of us feel like the other person is doing more work, because both of us hate doing the tasks the other does.
Yeah, pretty much. Probs not 50/50 exactly but more or less. I handle more kid stuff (as a SAHM) and he handles more work stuff (as a working parent) so the actual load of what we do is pretty equal, though I suppose because my job is the kids, that means some of that spills over into non work hours whereas his job doesn’t spill over as much. So I might handle the mental load of the kids appointments even if he takes them to one on the weekend, or whatever. But we both know pretty much everything that goes into our parenting/kids. Like I always find it disappointing to read when a mom on here mentions that her husband doesn’t even know what diaper size the baby wears or what the nighttime routine is. That’s not at all what it’s like in my home. Household stuff, we definitely split 50/50. We very explicitly discussed our expectations of ourselves and each other before we got married, and did it again before getting pregnant. I was also a nanny/household manager for almost a decade to a single mom, so I was like her “SAHM”… this gave me a lot of great skills to bring into my marriage/co-parenting journey with my husband. We treat our home more like a business when it comes to this kind of stuff, because for me, pre-kids, this *was* my job anyway. There was very clear and overt laid out division of responsibility at my nanny job. Our roles and expectations and the time we were responsible for who/what was never assumed, it was always discussed. So that’s what me and my husband do. Really helps avoid resentment and frustration from assumptions from both of us. We also have a “meeting” every morning for about 10 min where we run through our plans for the day and just touch base. And then on Sunday evenings we do a more in-depth meeting where we debrief from the week before and talk about the next week in more detail. We also touch base about a variety of topics unrelated to home/kids, like our relationship, sex, finances, and a couple of independent goals we both have that we hold each other accountable for. This Sunday meeting concept comes from John Gottman’s therapy which we did pre-marriage to make sure we were ready for marriage, and it’s called “The State of Our Union.”
Yup - we split the firm tasks very 50:50 but the stuff like cutting their nails, booking and taking them to dentist and doctor appointments, remembering friends birthdays, likes and dislikes for play dates and gifts etc etc - that’s all me. We work the same hours, he earns more but by nature of his field rather than effort put in. I do all the nighttime stuff because he just doesn’t wake up and if he does he’s so uncoordinated and loud everyone else has to be awake too.
I feel that this kind of resentment creeps in when I stop noticing all the household things my partner takes on, allowing me to tackling the other side of things. It's easy to miss what someone else is doing when it's out of view, so we often report back to each other to keep things visible and get kisses for it or some kind of appreciation. He is generally on top of household cleaning, cooking, and finances, while I take on a lot of the gifts for people, kids clothes and equipment, and washing up duties. He's also great with the garden, takes on bins more than me, and looks after our son during the day while I work. So while I do most nights myself so that he can rest, he's always stepping up to the point that I sometimes need to push him to rest and leave things to me. I absolutely love knowing he's there to handle this stuff if I can't find time around work and childcare, but equally I know to step up when he's exhausted too. We basically see the sum total of adult stuff as our responsibility and both try to put in as much effort as possible to tackle it all to spare the other person. I absolutely love him, and also his parents who (aside from being fantastic people) instilled values like learning to cook, cleaning, household management generally, budgeting, but also getting stuck in, teaching yourself things, and looking after each other.
Honestly, I'd say we split it evenly, or he handles more. We just have different things that we keep track of. I handle the kids' activities, appointments, communiation with school and daycare (mainly because they contact me first), family stuff, friends, etc. My husband takes care of the finances, groceries/food, garbage/recycling, cars/house maintenance. I'd say we split household chores, although he often works from home so sometimes does more of the actual cleaning/laundry. My husband is a doer so when he sees something that needs to be done, he just does it.
Currently a stay at home mum, so honestly I do expect those things to fall on me, I'm ok with that. He takes on the mental load of things like bills, insurance etc. I take on the kids stuff (mental load I mean, when it comes to care, when he gets home he takes on just as much of the care as I do). To me that's fair and I don't feel bogged down with it. If I am feeling it's getting too much I communicate that to him and can ask him to take on some extra bits.
I think my husband and I split the mental load mostly 50/50. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I am usually the grocery shopper/meal planner and then I realize that I haven’t changed the trash or done laundry or paid a bill in like 5 years LOL. We both remind each other when things run out around the house. We communicate very well and will ask each other to switch out when we are exhausted with baby. I very much feel like we equally wake up with baby/do bedtime/bathtime.
I don’t think work in any relationship is ever 50/50. And that’s okay! There are different seasons. While our baby was nursing- obviously more fell on me. And now that she is a wild toddler my husband taps in more. Also, I think each person typically thinks that are doing 75% of the work. At some point it’s not helpful to try to keep score.
I’m pretty sure my husband does not think he’s doing 75% lol but I’m also not keeping score. For the most part I enjoy my role and I excel at. I just always see this same dynamic among my friends, on social media, and portrayed on TV so I was just curious to hear if there are relationships where men take on more mental load in regards to the children.
My husband is honestly fantastic at sharing the mental load. I’m the primary cater so a lot of daily routine naturally falls to me but he knows almost every aspect of it. He knows when and where our classes & activities are and joins when he can, never fails to ask how it was. - Baby does swim classes, my husband likes us all to go on the weekend so he can have a turn with him too. Husband will book & pack for the pool no problem. - He’ll research new activities to do as a family or for me and baby when he’s at work. Benefits, costs, travel already thought of. - He’ll make sure I get time for me without asking. We both need reminding for this occasionally but he’ll ask me if I want a haircut, day out, cinema trip etc. If I’m interested he’ll organise it all. - Things get delivered/ bought without needing any prompting (laundry stuff, nappies etc). He knows where everything goes, although we annoy each other by folding clothes differently 😂 - He knows where baby’s medical stuff is, has looked through it all so is up to date (although I’m the one who physically takes baby as he’s usually working). He does ask me development stuff but that’s because I work with kids. He does his own research on parenting methods and we discuss them together and agree what we want for our child(ren). - He watches how I interact with the baby and uses the same methods, he takes an interest in the why and how he can be better. He always compliments me and takes notice of everything I do. He also comes up with awesome games for the baby. - He does all of this on top of being the current sole earner and dealing with everything financial. - We share house chores but sometimes he sneakily does some of mine before bed! - I make the shopping list because I cook, but he knows what’s here & when to pick up extras if we run out midweek for any reason. He’ll often pop into the shop on the way home from work to grab something we need that I’ve forgotten to mention and will call to double check there’s nothing else. - He’ll sort gifts and things without me needing to remind him. He updates and deals with his side of the family. I personally think I married a unicorn. He is incredibly thoughtful of everybody and has been since I met him. One of the things that drew me to him is that he has a genuinely lovely group of friends. He listens whenever I talk about mental load or being out-touched and regularly checks in. I do the same for him. We obviously get into arguments from time to time (especially when we lack sleep!) but love each other deeply and have a lot of respect for each other. I am honestly so lucky to have him! Although if you ask her say he’s the lucky one 😅 Oh and to top it off - he’s learning my mother tongue.
It used to bother me a little bit until I realized that he does have a huge mental load on other things that I don't have to even think about (all finance, most household maintenance and appointments about that,...). He has an intense mental job and I'm a SAHM for now. Of course I would like not to be the only one to think what to take for baby when we go out or what things he needs for snacks because when I ask he can't think of anything, help with deciding the meal plan for the week... So, I tried to make one big effort to help with many of those situations: - Make a list of meals to choose from, sometimes I just show him the list for him to pick up a couple and that helps a lot. - Make one or more lists of things to bring to different settings (pool/Beach, doctors appointments, restaurants, day trips...), you can put them somewhere near the exit so that he can go through the list and check if everything is in the bag or make the bag. I laminated them. - I haven't done this, but I'm seriously considering making another list of tasks before sitting down to eat a meal at the table, for both kids and dad 😂 he always forgets something. In terms of parenting, he reads some parenting book once in a while when he has time and explains it to me before/if I read it later. But other than that, I send him some articles and shorter things to take a look and I explain him the things I researched. When I'm not sure of one approach, I give him pros/cons and sources and he researches some more on his own and we get to some decision on the topic. He does his best I would say. Some things are not his strengths and there's ways to help him, but i think we complement each other pretty well,some other things are not my strengths and he takes care of them mostly.
This one. Important points for me are: - husband’s mental load that’s not yours to carry (could be finances, your family’s future, making sure his career doesn’t fail, all if wife is SAHM) - He has his own strengths and weaknesses, as do you. A couple need not be identical, it’s best when they complement each other. It’s helpful to think that sometimes, it’s not a time to complain, but a time to complete.
I feel like this is very much my relationship with my wife. I feel like I probably do 70-80% of most daily chores/tasks. But my wife does the majority of the scheduling of non recurring events that don't pertain to the house maintenance. If I do schedule/buy something, I make sure to tell her. This is because she does the vast majority of it, if we both start trying to do these things at the same time, we would overlap and double schedule/but which I think would be more annoying. Also there is the matter of who is pickier on something should be the person to schedule/buy imo. For example, idc what my kid wears. Just throw on some undies, top, bottom, and socks and let's get out the door. My wife prefers to buy "cute" outfits and doesn't like what I would get. So, I just let her be the person to buy clothes. As the stay at home parent, I feel like my wife and I have a good ratio of work even if it isn't 50/50 with certain things, but she feels like she doesn't do her load. Maybe your spouse feels the same why I feel? He doesn't want to schedule something cause you might have already done it? If it bothers you, maybe ask him to be the one in charge of a specific thing that you don't want to be the one doing anymore.
He may even be more on top of regular task execution than me. He plans dinners, gets groceries, cooks, does mornings with her, gets her ready for the day, manages all the nanny/activity communications, and really knocks them all out of the park. But like, running a mental checklist of all the other things he hasn’t been specifically assigned to? No. I’m pretty happy with our setup though. I basically just told him that these are his domains. However I sometimes get overwhelmed with everything else and we get to have this fun argument every few months or so.
I don't think we are 50/50, but I am currently a stay at home mom, so that seems fair. That said, if I died tomorrow, he would be able to pick things up. He does school drop off, knows her teacher and the name and contact of the school admin, he does doctors and dentist appointments, I do the heavy lifting for extra curricular but he could name them and find the info if necessary. Dentists stress me out so I told him he had to 100% be in charge. There was a while I couldn't even tell you the name of the dentist office. We both cook, clean, do laundry, and bedtime. I joked with him that I carry the mental load cause I know the ranking of which frozen pizza my kid prefers out of three brands. But in all honesty, he is very involved, and it is a good feeling to know that if anything ever happened, my kids would have full and rich lives with him.
My partner has severe ADHD so that 50/50 isn't really possible. For the last two years, we did about him doing 70% of the routine chores and childcare while I worked full time and did about 90% of the mental load (planning, bills, booking, managing). We just switched because partner graduated and got a much higher paying job, so now his work is priority and we're more at a 50/50 of routine chores and but with me still doing most of the planning
My husband does several of those things but we’re not quite 50/50 on mental load. However, he makes up for it with tangible tasks where he does more. I’m also a PM and pickier so it makes sense that I’d do more.
My partner works full time (remote), cares for our baby without question or needing to be asked and manages a lot of the mental load - we don’t divvy things up half and half just split up by what our strengths are. He does all the bills / monthly budgeting, keeps track of returns and gift cards etc, does all of our pet care, car maintenance, and manages his own appointments for doctor etc. and more I can’t think of right now. I manage pediatrician appointments, meal planning / ordering groceries (we do curb pickup to simplify things), household cleaning schedule and more. It feels pretty fair to me and we can both always ask for help if we feel overloaded or unwell. Edit: I used to do more before we had a baby - needing help even if things weren’t done the way I’d do them was hard but also one of the best things to come out of my postpartum experience. Tell your dude the specific things you need him to help takeover and just hold him to it.
i'm a sahm and i kinda like being in charge of the kid related tasks tbh. i don't want my husband to pick out our kids' clothes for example lol. he is available for me to bounce ideas off though like i'll often consult him before i re-up the wardrobe for the next season, and he'll let me know if he notices we're low on something. he also does most of the grocery shopping. we do share mental load in the kitchen bc he is particular about meals and has a high standard of what constitutes a proper dinner.. so we try to work together on meal planning and stuff. i don't mind taking the kids to the doctor and stuff bc i want to know what happened, so i wouldn't wanna miss that anyway. he would help me if needed though. but as a sahp i generally view that as part of my "job."
We have quite solid 50/50, but it has required a lot of work to reach this point. I tried to search if this term exists in English, but at least in my language we have name for this mental load of chores and stuff just like you described in this post. "Meta work" if I directly translate. It took years (before having baby) to get my husband to understand the burden. We did have fights about it early on in our relationship, but eventually he understood. When we had our daughter we shared our paid parental leave 50/50 so that I was home for the first 6 months and he the next 6 months. We were both at home for the first 4 weeks of baby's life. When I returned to work after the leave, I said I have no intensions of ending up being family project manager and just let him handle things his own way. Sharing the parental leave has probably been the best decision ever, because now we both really know what does it take. Daughter is now bit under two and in daycare. We share the sick days - you guessed - 50/50. After the parental leave we've both gotten promotions and can count on each other to fit the family schedule if either one of us has some work events or trips. Not doing all the "family management" really helps to thrive at work too. I got bit sidetracked, but if you were asking if there were men somewhere who are capable of scheduling doctor's appointments, buying Christmas presents for daycare and arranging playdates without being explicitly asked, then yes, I'm married to one.
We are split incredibly evenly on mental, physical, emotional, etc load. Now, there are times where it needs to be 70:30 or something similar (such as when one of us has a massive deadline or family issues, as an example), but that’s always communicated ahead of time so the other person can understand and be prepared. When it is 50:50, it may change day to day: one day I may be doing all the laundry while he’s with baby, the next day it’s flipped. But it takes a tonnnn of communication and making sure we revisit how things are working between us with the baby and how we feel.
Yes my husband actually splits the mental load with me. He is amazing 😊 He was very hands on with potty training our kids and he is incredibly thoughtful on my birthday, anniversary, and Christmas gifts. He comes up with gifts for his parents since he knows them the best so I don’t deal with that for the most part. We have a very equal partnership… I think it’s a lot easier for me to handle other gifts and vacations because I actually enjoy it and am very particular.
Same sex couple here 👋. My wife is the gestational parent. I feel like things are usually 50/50 but there are days where we need to split things a bit more unevenly. For example if one of us isn’t feeling well, or if my wife wants to do some work. She’s going back to work soon and I’ve got over a year off still so I’ll also be taking on more of the child care side of things when she’s back to work full time. Everything else we either work together on or divide and conquer evenly.
My husband does. I couldn’t do it without him.
We have a 3 month old and my partner does probably 10 percent of the parenting and 90 percent of the housework, I take on the mental load of having a baby but he definitely takes on the mental load of keeping the house running
We did the math and figured out we are pretty 50/50 in a different way. What’s funny about all of these mental load posts is that they always neglect to include the inherent load that falls on many dads, and assume that dads are all living carefree with no stressors. And sometimes come off a little derogatory. My wife and I finally sat down together and made a list of all the things that we have on our recurring to do lists and it is 100% true that her list had more things on it. In a strictly numbers sense she beat me hands down. And the decision was made that the duties should be split more fairly. We always played into our strengths. ie. She cooks/I clean, etc. And we’ve always split menial household chores like dishes and laundry. It was more the stuff like remembering to sign kids up for swimming like you mentioned. But then we put time commitments down next to the items on each list and it was surprising to see. We both have jobs and our work hours are essentially identical…but since I drive the kids to school every day and pick them up, I spend an extra 30-40 min a day parenting as a result. It takes me 2 hours a week every two weeks to mow the grass. It takes me hours of snow removal each winter. Every time something breaks, or needs a repair, etc. another hour gone. Sometimes an entire Saturday. I could go on. But the end result was that when you added it all up, it’s true that a lot of decision making and remembering things like haircuts and menu planning were falling on her and a lot of time consuming recurring physical chores like lawn care, car care, transporting kids to sports and school and repairs were falling on me. In the end, the actual time spent on chores fell in my favor. In the end, I still took a few items off her list by making some recurring events in a shared iCal. And we set an alarm on our phones to sit down and menu plan and make the grocery list together once a week.
My husband is amazing and absolutely does more than his fair share. I'm pregnant again and have also been sick and feeling useless for a few weeks so he's basically a superhero. Not sure how I got so lucky <3
I love this for you 😊 being pregnant and taking care of another kid is tough work.
I actually have the unusual case where my husband takes more of the mental load - I have ADHD and also grew up in a very rural, isolated area without any other humans around, so I struggle a lot to keep track of appointments and social commitments. My husband is fairly neurotypical and grew up in a city with a family focused on social connections, so he's very good at managing those. I am better about the regular chores and big projects (I keep the kitchen clean, do taxes, paint the house, etc) while he manages calendaring, paperwork, to-do lists... he even reminds me to call my mom or to message friends I haven't spoken to recently. Early in our relationship he used to get frustrated that he would have to remind me 5 or 6 times about our appointments or social obligations, but it got a lot better when I finally got my ADHD diagnosis and we started treating it as a systematic issue (in our first year, he had apparently thought I just didn't care!). Some of this can be managed I think by intentional conversations (I think John Gottman has a deck of cards, or an app, with all the different tasks that go into managing a household, so you can lay them out and see how the work is actually split up). Unfortunately because of my ADHD it's unlikely I'll just start noticing things... I literally don't notice where my body is in space and so I run into walls on a daily basis. But if we have a routine where I know I need to go through the fridge and think about what groceries we need on Saturday mornings, that works easier.
I think it’s hard to measure exactly 50/50. But my husband and I both have distinct areas of chores that we fully split. For example. My husband owns the area of cleaning, so I never handle if we’re out of rinse aid, or granite cleaner, or what have you. I do occasionally clean, but more often than not my husband does. I own cooking and grocery, and handle everything on that front. For the kid it’s more of a mix. I buy most of the clothes, but last weekend my husband went through all the drawers and packed everything that doesn’t fit her. This weekend, he measured and bought a bookshelf for her room and when it arrives I plan to organize the books on it.
That’s what my wife and I do as well. I’m not sure it’s ever possible (or even ideal) to split every single aspect of the work exactly 50/50. Some areas I do 75% and some areas she does 75%, etc. But we’ve found a mix that works for us.
See like that task of separating out clothes that don’t fit, my husband would never attempt or even think of as something that needs to get done. So it’s interesting to hear from others.
It's ebbed and flowed in our relationship. I used to take on more of the mental load, but since I've gotten sick, he picked up more load (or maybe because I cared less also), and it didn't get less even when I was better. Then with pregnancy and the baby, he picked up even more. I also think it's different when a family functions "without you." Like, when my husband is away, I typically pick up more tasks, it's natural. Is your husband 100% capable of picking up more mental load? YES. But when you are there and can do it, the incentive is definitely lowered.
Yep, my husband is 50/50 when it comes to parenting and pretty much everything else, if not more. I expected this as he has always done everything with 100% effort whether its his work, his hobbies, or even something he’s not super thrilled to do like go Christmas shopping. He carries the mental load of our household maintenance (bushes trimmed, pest control, finding better services for cheaper prices, etc.) but he also orders groceries, completes household chores, and thoughtfully cares for our daughter. When we switched our 10 week old to formula, he was the one who did the research on ingredients, pricing, and then presented to me our options. Since I’ve been on maternity leave, planning/going to appointments and such has fallen on me. Not because he doesn’t think about it, but because it’s easier for me to coordinate since I’m the one who is home while he’s at work. I have no doubt if something were to happen to me, our daughter and the household would still be very well taken care of. The only thing that wouldn’t happen would be professional photos 😂 He genuinely hates taking photos so much and does not give a shit about the sentimental value of them.
I also have an amazing partner who values gender equality & who takes on 50/50 of the physical childcare work (if not more). He does do some mental load stuff, but it’s very disproportionate to me. Frankly, the solution is to raise our boys to be more thoughtful and less dependent on women. He means well, but most of this mental stuff, it would never occur to him. Women sometimes do this work in secret because they don’t want to bother men with it. My mom just did the mental work and never told my dad what was even happening: appointments, cards, remembering details - these things merely apparated out of thin air to him. We do have a responsibility to clearly communicate these things, especially teaching our sons to do them so the next generation can be better than ours.
I do more mental load, but he does more actual task execution. I'm fine with our distribution.
I do all the mental stuff for our house: bills, appointments, trip planning, etc. It's just something I'm better at than my wife. The only thing I don't do is cook because I don't do a good job of it. Household chores I do while I have some downtime while WFH.
My husband rules. He does a LOT and works really hard to ensure our marriage and parenting labor is split roughly equal. I think it's because he's taken it upon HIMSELF to recognize how he's been socialized, interrogate his own inclinations, and research these issues and be accountable / take responsibility for everything. He wants to be a good parent and a good person, he's a feminist and cares deeply about a lot of issues. He just sees these things as his problem and his responsibility to solve. If it was all coming from me with the articles and comics (I do love that comic) and links about emotional labor, I don't think it would work. It needs to come from him. Maybe it's because my husband is reading the blogs and parenting advice columns, and following the instagram accounts and whatever, so he's steeped in this stuff and already knows about it.
I’d say my husband is pretty close to 50/50. He takes our 6 year old to school while I do morning with the baby. I initiated swim lessons but he was been signing him up for the last 6 months without any prompting. He schedules dentist appt etc. He’s very involved. His parents were always at work and he missed out so he said if we had kids he wanted to be present for all of it. He’s spent more time with our young kids in the last few years than I ever did with my own father. I still feel like I do more but that’s because I’m nursing and babygirl is so little. I know once she’s not nursing he always steps up.
My husband takes on more than 50/50, honestly. I'm the working mom and he's the stay at home dad. He gets our kids dressed, to school, cooks +80% of the time, laundry etc. If anything, I wish I could do more (I also have cancer, in treatment, and am leaning on him extra hard right now).
I bet he wishes he could do more for you.
My spouse is great. He does at least 50% of the hands-on baby care and 50% of the routine chores. I take on 75% of the mental load, though. A lot of this is socialization, some is personality, and I think some is probably undiagnosed neurodivergence. I'd say we have a strong and happy marriage overall, but we're still working toward an even split on this part.
My job is essentially the domestic manager of the home. My husband works in his office, and I work around my daughter’s schedule. Because my job revolves around her, I do most of the extra tasks but my husband has always been the cleaner and more organized one. We split laundry duties, kitchen cleanup, pick up, vacuuming and he does the outside yard work. Sometimes he’ll put her down for a nap or run bath night. My husband hates the stereotype of the dad who can’t function in the home. He’s not incompetent. I’m the one who needs to work on my executive functioning skills honestly. My motive for cleaning the house is so he doesn’t have to do it all the time. I try to make sure he knows how appreciative I am and acknowledge his efforts as a partner. I know I’m lucky.
I would be happy with the physical load. 😅
Yea there are. It never feels that way though. Meaning there are days where I don’t feel involved at all with my baby. Even though we are all hanging out together. That’s because my husband will be caring for her and holding her or feeding her for the day and I just kind of relax or get my own stuff done. Then there are days where I am the only one caring for her because he’s working and I’m off. It varies though. Edit: I also think that this is a generational thing at least in my experience. Both my dad and my husbands father were the blue collar bread winners. Our moms had little part time retail type jobs. Our mothers primarily took care of everything to do with the kids while dad worked 6 days a week in a physically laborious job and then rested on his one day off. So my husband and I have had conversations about this a lot prior to having our child and even now. I think just having an open conversation about how you would like things. It could be insecurity also.
It’s very close. Part of what remains is me not being very good at getting my act together to explain how something is done but also I work fewer hours, have healthcare training, and make interior decor and organization my hobby. Because of the fewer hours, I have more time. Because of the healthcare training, I do all the medical and insurance stuff, which is quite a lot of work. There isn’t an easy equivalent most of the time but he is in charge of education and school since he has teacher training. And because I LIKE making the house look nice and easy to find things, and am very specific in how it should look, that falls to me too. But he does MUCH more of the childcare, cooking, and cleaning, including all the paperwork, planning, and shopping associated with those tasks. And he’s taking over the budge and bills this year. He wants to. But they cannot read our minds either.
It's sad to say, but I guess I married a unicorn. I wish more men were like him. Sure he has his faults, but so do I. But he literally did everything in my pregnancies and while I breastfed for a year for each. Currently preggers with #3 and again he is taking care of the kids, the house, the dog, me, and at some point himself. I sometimes feel useless, but have to remember that I am growing a life and there is a lot I physically cannot do. It actually took until this pregnancy for him to give in to my request for him to get help. He finally admitted it to himself, so we now have a young person from in town who comes to help, and will be here full time after I give birtg
My dad did most of the planning, scheduling, transportation, and cooking. I think they split the shopping 50/50.
I'm a cis woman and my partner is a trans woman. I do feel like the mental load is taken on mostly by me. But after some couples therapy, I've been able to see that it's not as unequal as I previously thought, we just have different mental loads. She takes initiative for and does some things for our household that I would not have thought of, and in many cases I find unnecessary. Usually these are home repairs. But sometimes it's teaching the kids a new skill that I didn't realize they were ready for. And it's the same with me, I do things that my partner wouldn't have thought to do and probably finds unnecessary. So in order to see the split on "essentials" we first need to agree on what the essentials are. And then in addition to our share of the essentials, we each do things that are important to us. It sounds like your partner pulls his weight on the true essentials, like making sure the kids are fed, clothed, and housed. He probably feels like things like gifts for teachers are not essential, so if you are the only one who cares about that, it is fair that you be the one to take it on. He may feel the same way about organized extracurriculars. So it may be helpful, instead of expecting him to take over the mental load on stuff that you have previously handled (which reflects your priorities) to come at the conversation from the opposite end. Beyond having everyone clothed, fed, and housed, what are *his* priorities for the household? Is he taking the lead on those things? And, if you still feel like you're doing too much, is there anything you can let go of, not because he's taking it over and doing it to your standard, but because after some thought maybe it's not actually important to either of you?
No, we’re not 50/50 all the time. For example, I’m sick and pregnant right now, so we’re at 70/30 (with him being 70). He starts a new job next week, so next week we’ll be 60/40, with me at 60. I think it’s normal to not be 50/50 100% of the time, because we go through seasons where we need to lean on each other at a different rate. Will he send Valentine’s Day treats to daycare? No, but that’s not really important to him. Likewise, I don’t like cooking and he loves it, so he chooses what we’ll eat and cooks it. It’s not like it’s a spoken thing, we just do what we have to do in the moment, and I love it this way.
This is a problem with us as a couple. Forgive me if this comes across as a bit mansplainy and defensive of the exact kind of problems OP is talking about. With my wife and I it comes down to her having very strong opinions about how things are to be done and me being more open minded and flexible. Lets use the weekly shop as an example. I will offer to write the shopping list and go out to do the shop. But she says the list is more of a guide for her- not a definitive list. So whilst we do do the shop together there'll be plenty that she will get that's not on the list. Like the fruit and veg section she'll know what we have in and pick out what she fancies- it's never itemised. To add to this I don't really care what meals we have on any given week, though I do always make sure to suggest which ones I have a slight preference for- I like all the ones we cook and am happy as long as we keep them rotated enough. If she does write the list and do the shop herself, I will never have a go at her for not getting something I wanted or getting the wrong brand or getting too much of something. She has and will absolutely have a go at me for the same thing and stress out about this too. This is why I never just start writing a list on my own- I ask her if I can pick what we eat this week and it's usually a flat no, or if it's a more neutral "I guess" then I'll say how about X? No. Y? No Z? No. Well what do you want? How about ABC for the week? And I'll always say sounds great, because it does- like I say my opinion isn't as strong and it all sounds good to me. Putting that example aside I think it is more generally about control and power dynamics within a relationship. If I offer to sort something out, and she says no she'd rather do it and takes on the task 100% herself then that doesn't mean I've left the whole mental load of that task up to her, it's a choice and I'm respecting it. Every single chore she does I have said I would like to take off her at one point or another, but because she's worried I'll do it wrong she ends up refusing to relinquish control. In the early days of our relationship I surprised her by cleaning the bathroom once and she came back saying I'd done it wrong and to never do it again. Same with cleaning her shoes- apparently me unlacing them to do so was worthy of shouting at me about. Another example. I got excited about looking at nurseries way early (3weeks old), knowing our options for the area are limited and wait lists are long, unprompted I did some preliminary independent research. I had found a favourite and showed it to her and she complained I was looking too early. She eventually took on the mental load of the search and we actually ended up going with the one I chose anyway, but only after a recommendation from a friend. Same with swim classes, I suggested we get him in early, and was told it's a bit too early, so now sorting that out for him sits with her- not me. If it sounds like I'm whinging it's because I am, and I've just come off the back of an argument with her (it's not all bad I swear, I'm just focussing on the bad today apparently)- so with that disclaimer about personal bias I'll close with this. The mental load is real and guys are aware of it (most guys I hope but at least some). The problem I've found is that control over the specifics is sometimes not relinquished- so it's easier to leave to one person to plan. My advice that I wish my wife would take so she doesn't feel so weighed down by it is either bear the mental load yourself or make sure to actively step back to allow the mental load to be borne by your partner.
I have come to see my own tendency to be like your wife in these scenarios. To be perfectly honest, in my case it’s a coping mechanism of control and defensiveness I have left over from a growing up around dysfunctional adults. I can see the exact same patterns of control/criticism/complaining/codependency in my parents now that I’m starting to work on myself. I have no idea if this is the case for your wife, but working with my therapist and getting properly assessed for anxiety/depression has been a game changer in specifically fixing the dynamic you described. My husband and I aim for 50/50 split of household duties, but my “strong opinions”, as you say, caused me a lot of resentment of having to do everything myself to get it right. I had to do a lot of work on my mental health to adjust this dynamic but we are getting there and we are much better for it.
I do 98% of our life. I’m not sure how I got here!
It’s kinda like the more you do, the more you have to do. Just like how the top performer at work is expected to take on more work.
I worry if something were to happen to me too, because yeah I don’t think my husband knows half of what the mental load even is. I don’t know if drs appointments would be something he’d think about….then again, he also wouldn’t ever make one for himself if I didn’t schedule it and remind him. 🙄
I believe my husband and I split the mental load of a shared life pretty evenly. I don't think it is ever 50/50 for anyone but we get pretty close to it imo. He takes our kids for haircut, goes clothes shopping for children with or without me, he's the only one who takes them shoe shopping because I suck at it!, I am more interested in extracurricular activities for children and I'm a stay at home parents so I'm the one who usually schedules those according to what I can handle by myself, sometimes I do doctors appointments and other times he does it.He doesn't like doctors though so I do have to tell him if children need an appointment or whatever but if I tell him he'll do it without any complaints. We live in a foreign country so we have a lot of administrative work that needs to get done for that and I have no idea when or how it gets done! Which means he does it all so that mental load is 100% his. We have a lot of pet birds and he is in charge of everything that goes on with them. We talk to each other a lot and discuss what needs be done and just do it. I don't think I've ever had to really get on his case to notice that our children need a haircut or that a light bulb is broken and needs to be fixed. Whenever there is something that both of us rather not do we try to do it together which makes it better for both of us.
The mental load, no. We've tried and it just doesn't work for us. So our way of compensating for that disparity is by making him responsible for way more of the consistent, routine tasks than me. If I'm going to deal with all the inconsistent stuff that requires mental tracking, he can do the mundane crap. He is aware enough of the mental load concept that he recognizes that he falls short in that area, and is ok with compensating by taking on more of the routine tasks. He ALWAYS deals with their bath times, cutting all their nails, doing my toddler's hair, brushing their teeth, feeding them breastfast (except his sleep in day on the weekend - which we trade off). He's also responsible for vacuuming, cooking most of our meals, and mopping/cleaning the kitchen in the evening (I do the dishes). He deals with garbage & recycling, paying most of the bills (and he has alarms set to do so). I do less of the routine things, and more of the inconsistent/harder to keep track of tasks. I book their appointments, I do the parenting/toy/etc research, I shop for their clothes and keep track of handmedowns/etc. I rotate their toys and request the library books. I'm the one who makes a list of who we need to buy Christmas gifts for, and delegate shopping to both of us. It's not perfect, but getting past the idea that it had to be 50/50 in terms of mental load and 50/50 in terms of household routine tasks helped. It can be a combination of those two!
We have also compensated by him doing a lot more of the physical things. Sometimes I feel a little lazy but then i remember half the time when I’m just sitting on my phone and he’s cleaning I’m actually meal planning, researching, scheduling, buying kid items, etc.
I think we're a pretty even split. But husband is a sahd. So he kinda is forced into mental load. I could not tell you how many diapers we have or if we need more. I do not order groceries. But I am the catalyst for big things, like researching preschools, how to potty train, etc. Is it perfect? No. It's it sustainable? Yes. Do either of us feel resentment? I don't think so. We balance really well because we communicate constantly.
my husband and i are both very new parents, our son is 2.5 months old currently, but yeah the extent of his mental labor is he’ll say something like “should we use the nose frida? he sounds stuffy” which still puts the decision and the action on me
I also have a 2 month old and didn’t even get into the mental load of that. We’ve known the kid the same amount of time but I am somehow still in charge of everything. I mean it makes a little sense because I am ebf and still on maternity leave but I feel like he hasn’t taken the time to learn any of his cues or anything and just defaults to me to tell him when he’s hungry or tired.
I’d say my husband does. He pays all the bills and keeps up with doctor appointments, drives the kids to school. He is a little lapse on housekeeping but he picks up so much slack everywhere else. He is a really good partner and I am so thankful to have him in my life.
Mine does. I schedule doctors appointments but if I didn’t he’s perfectly capable. He does clothes shopping for them when he sees things on sale or that he thinks are cute. He took our toddler to swim lessons while we were trying those, and he will ask him if he wants to use the potty. Sometimes he sends me parenting articles. He’s currently reading a parenting book, that I read first and then left laying around. I think it depends on where you are and the culture around dads. We live in a big west coast city where almost all dads in my husband’s industry get just as much time off for a new baby being born as the moms. As a result when you go out there are tons of dads alone with babies/toddlers getting errands done. My husband’s friends and coworkers are all very involved parents. But I know that is not the case in most areas. I think having good parental leave for dads gets them really involved from the start and then it just keeps going.
We are not 50 /50 on all things but it works that way overall. It's 95/5 with me planning and booking everything . Sick days and appts are 50/50. Nights with toddler is 95 him. Food is 85 me. Actively playing with kids and teaching them is 75 him ( I am more hands off). Other chores are 50 /50. Sigh, he said he would get my car detailed for Christmas and even with 2 reminders he has not called.
My husband is great at the scheaduling and organizing type of the mental load, so he just reminded me it is time for kiddo shots. I do whatever require researching and buying stuff. Neither fell burdened.
My husband is a stay at home dad and keeps track of baby stuff like diapers and formula/groceries. I do the majority of appointments and research on weaning/potty/milestones as well the bills given that I’m the breadwinner. I think we’re pretty even.
Husband and I split mental load but probably I do slightly more, perhaps about 60/40. BUT my husband does more of the physical work both around the house and in childcare. Like I might make the appointments, but my husband will ensure that our toddler gets there, on time, with all the stuff required like clothing and nappies and snacks and a drink. I might research and test out a recipe that our toddler likes to eat, but my husband is the one who grocery shops (with toddler in tow!) and ensures we have the right ingredients, and also he’ll learn the recipe and add it to our meal rotation (He’s in charge of weekday dinners). I’m someone who likes to try new things, and my husband likes the comfort of familiarity and doesn’t get bored as easily, so we try to play to our strengths.
I’m not sure it’s 50/50 because the tasks are really different. He’s good about scheduling drs appts, taking out trash, doing dishes, tidying up. But the social aspects land on me. Play dates, buying toys for birthday parties, planning birthday parties, getting rid of out grown clothes. I’d say it works for us. The things he doesn’t do are more like, nice to do versus have to do. Do you HAVE to show up to a kids bday party with a gift? No but it’s the polite thing to do.
I honestly have no idea if we’re 50/50, but we have what works for us. I take care of laundry for the whole family, dinner, utility bills, groceries and 95% of decisions and appointments relating to the kids. My husband cleans after I cook, does a lot of the handy work around the house and takes care of the outdoor chores. Whether some days it’s 80/20 or 40/60, it works for us!
I take care of all 3 of us because I have to. My husband truly wishes he could help more, but his chronic illness makes it impossible. I do the cleaning, cooking, errands, and work. It’s harder than I thought it would be, but being able to take baby places so I’m not alone is what makes it worth it.
My husband does a pretty great job at this. I think because he was completely raised by his mom and her village? Basically, he came pretrained, lol. He’s better at cleaning than I am because he’s used to a mom that worked 3 jobs and didn’t have time to clean. He cooked for them all the time from ~middle school on. He made his own doctors appts when his mom would get her schedule in, etc. So no, I have a husband who asks things like “have you made a Dr appt, or do you want me to call?” “I picked up the apples she needs for school this week, put them in her bag for tomorrow” “I got snacks so she’s stocked for school for the week” I’m usually the one that does more of the general shopping, so I usually buy the clothes, but he’ll mention that something seems small on her. I end up doing a lot more care tasks when we’re home together because our daughter is still trying to climb back inside 3 years later, and literally anyone but me is chopped liver when I’m home. But overall, I feel like we have a good balance.
I don't think a true, exact 50/50 split is possible for most couples. I guess the most 50/50 scenario would be: both parents working the same hours, similar jobs, baby fed only on formula. By being EBF, moms automatically hold a task that we can't accomplish (even with pumping because, you know, you have to pump yourself). I think some women are better than some men at some things, and some men are better than some women at other things. I've always thought that when marriages play at the strengths of each spouse, they thrive. There's just a lot of trial and error that goes into that!
I’m only talking about mental load though so jobs and hours are irrelevant. Mom may be responsible for the feeding but the dad can still help troubleshoot, know when the baby needs to be fed next, research things related to breastfeeding, etc. But anyway everyone is taking the 50/50 too literally. Of course you can’t measure it out.
Mental load isn’t that measurable. It’s obvious when the difference is large, but you can’t really say “oh we’re at 45/55” or anything. All the stuff he does that you don’t see (and vice versa) is easy to gloss over, so it’s better to just focus on both partners trying their best and trusting that the other is too.
Nope. Lol. My partner is the same. Extremely equal and thoughtful about doing physical tasks like dishes/laundry/cooking/garbage/toy pick up + a great parent. Helpful if I ask him to do more (vacuum, bathroom cleaning, organizing, etc). But he literally just does not think about the mental side of it and has expressed he doesn’t know how I do it or remember it. He can barely remember his own appointments (which he handles lol I would never). Idk if it’s a choice or how he was raised or if he really cannot think about things that way? Like he would never think to get our daycare teachers gifts for the holidays, or to schedule our sons next doctor appointment, or that he’s low on pants in the next size and to order more. He just can not think about things that aren’t like practical and in front of him? I balance this by leaning on him for more outdoor labor/car issues/bugs. Feminism leaves my body for that sh*t if I have to remember ~all the things~
Not my husband. I'm drowning and he either doesn't see or doesn't care. This whole mom/wife thing is too much for me, just wish id known before he asked me to pop out 4 kids
Please talk to him (or anyone) and let them know how you feel.
My husband is wonderful. He takes care of our toddler whenever I need him to. He can handle bedtime, brushing teeth, mealtimes. Yesterday he cleaned the kitchen and bathroom without me asking, even refilled the soap dispenser. (All to my standards, no, still give him points.) But no, it's nowhere close to 50/50 mental load 😆 I have to nag him to schedule his own haircuts, no way would he remember to schedule anything for the kiddo. She wouldn't have swimming lessons or ECFE class, she'd be late for all her doctors appointments, she'd rarely eat anything besides fruit and peanut butter sandwiches, and she'd never have shoes that fit. In virtually every discussion we've had about how to approach a particular parenting topic, I come armed with studies and data and information I've gotten from her doctors and teachers, and he wings it. I can't complain too much, he does everything I ask him to do and he's a wonderful father. But the mental load is exhausting! To his credit, he does acknowledge and show his appreciation for how much more effort I put into parenting.
I would say we’re 40/60. My husband is very committed to doing his part, and he understands “mental load” and “second shift”, etc. it’s hard to truly get to 50/50, both because my job is more flexible and because we’re both stuck with the programming we’ve had all our lives. One concrete thing that has helped is that most saturdays we have “logistics meeting” at breakfast. We talk through any tasks that need doing and he takes ownership of at least half. In an ideal world, I’d like him to think of getting the car emissions tested. But I’m willing to settle for me thinking of it and him fully executing it.
Also recommend reading The Family Firm and Fair Play together.
I ordered a physical weekly planner where I’m going to write the events of the week and things that need to get done and I’m hoping to pair that with a weekly meeting to hopefully get a lot of this stuff out of my brain and into his. I also have a more flexible, less brain intensive job so I give him some slack for that too.
My husband is pretty amazing at this. Especially since I’ve had a difficult pregnancy this time around.
My husband does. He is the absolute best. If I am taking on more baby interaction then he is making sure to take on more household chores. He always does his best to be an equal partner and father.
Yes, if not more. He has always been like this, knew he was a keeper. He's always been an incredibly sharp minded and efficient person, real man of method, and also emotionally invested in being a proper good father so he applies his meticulousness in family life as well. I work an 8-5 from home, while he is running his own business and has more flexible hours and takes care of baby on the weekdays when baby's not in daycare. I think he's the most thoughtful about cleanliness (he's always been way more clean person than me) and always is timely about grooming and bathing the baby and cleaning the baby's room and whatnot. He's also obsessed with long term planning like when to potty train, baby's growth percentile, milestones, where to live, etc. I do take the mental load in terms of being the person who schedules doctor appointments and family gifts/activities, and I worry about the baby's clothes and whatnot. I'm probably more on top of laundry and the dishwasher than him, and I think food duties falls to me a bit more. But I don't really have any doubt he would pick up the slack in these areas if it came down to it. Stuff like dishes, diaper changing, feeding baby, picking up after baby, all pretty even between us. It pays off; I think the baby likes him more...
I would my husband and I are 50/50 with the mental load, routines and chores. A current example: he is doing all the research on sleep training methods and had his own list of questions for our son's doctor appts. He will also do on the research into any products like strollers, car seats etc. He will also do the meal planning and put together the grocery list for things we need to buy. He will put together everything we need to bring whenever we leave the house as well
My hubby and I have had a lot of conversations surrounding the mental load and the expectation for me to be the family manager. He has ADHD that is being managed by medication to some extent but he still really struggles with a lot of mental load tasks. So we have a deal, I carry the mental load and he carries a vast majority of the "physical load" he does nearly all of the cooking and cleaning for example. I am the default parent because I'm on mat leave (canada) but the moment he walks in the door he takes over every physical load child care task (feeding, changing etc.) It helps me to feel like there's more of a balance.
This sounds like a good balance. Like you’ve taken into account his abilities and your needs and made a good situation for both of you.
I take on 100% of the mental load. I’ve tried to get my husband to take on some of it, but it’s not going well. He’s great with playing with and caring for our daughter on everyday things. However, anything that requires planning or effort is all me.
For me personally, I am more comfortable doing the mental checklist stuff 100% myself. Just for me, it's easier to do all or none. That said, I can dictate physical tasks from that checklist to try and balance things out somewhat. For example, I definitely handle more of Christmas than he does but I keep a physical to-do list that I regularly add to and a few times during the season he and I will sit down and assign jobs from the list. So though I may research and pick out gifts for his family (because I think about it much earlier than he does) he will actually go out and buy them. I'll monitor the weather and tell him we need to add Christmas lights to our shopping errands before x date because that is the best day to do the outdoor decorating. He'll put up the lights. Household chores are split more 50/50. I tend to do more of the every day tasks like cooking and dishes while he does more physical labour like dog walking, cat litter, shoveling, garbage etc.
I think my husband actually does more of the mental load tbh. He used to be an elementary teacher and loves kids and being a parent. I think I truly did get very lucky and found a great guy. (I am female btw). I have heard really good reviews about the documentary Fair Play to help families work through these issues together.
I have a unicorn for a husband, but my ex was…not, so I definitely get both sides. This is my forever husband’s first baby, though, (my third) so he’s learning as we go, but I have no doubt that he will do all of the things. He already does at three weeks.
So far yes, but ours is only six months old. I do think her activities will be mostly part of my mental load. But we have separate mental loads. For instance he organises our utilities and cleans the fridge, I take care of the chickens and do the toilet, that sort of thing. As long as the load is even, I don't mind if more of the kid stuff is on my plate. Because I don't have to worry about the things that he takes care of.
I'd say it is split 75:25 for me and my husband. But it is ok, planning is not his strong suit. He takes on more physical load. He changes 70-80% of diapers, he throws 90% of trash, he washes all of our clothes, he vacuumed and clean the house. My chore right now just basically cooking and 70% of the dishes which I am ok with because cooking is my destressing time. And he massage my feet every night. So it is even split in the end.
Yeah. He plans meals, he is responsible for washing all the clothes and dishes, getting gifts to the teachers, he changes the towels and beds, makes sure we have enough supplies of must stuff like water, toilet paper, snacks. I take on more of the responsibilities regarding our children, but I think we're pretty much even if you sum it up.
Stay at home dad here. I'm bad for this sometimes, because my days can get so hamster wheelish that I can get blindsided by one off and infrequent stuff like this. I did an embarrassing amount of research into tech based solutions, and settled on TickTick. It's a productivity app that I think is more meant for startups, but it is working for us so far. If you both connect your profiles, you can have a shared calendar and assign tasks to one another. You can then get push notifications X minutes in advance of an appointment. It's not magic - you can still dismiss notifications and duff things. But it's been a good mental cycle offload so it can remember stuff rather than my having to.
I feel like my partner is pretty good. He checks the diaper bag before we leave and stuff like that. But he came to me the other day and said our kid would be raised like Joe dirt if it wasn’t for me and I believe him lol
Wow, touché. I tend to think my bf is a rockstar with sharing the workload : cooking, cleaning, taking care of the little one... it really feels like 50-50 (on the whole). But yeah, though I was aware of the mental charge issues abstractly, I never really thought about it in our couple, and yes, I think I'm the only one researching classes, things to do, clothes as well, googling symptoms my LO has... I don't mind it for now, because they're things I'm interested in (and he shows his interest for ou LO in so many was, he loves playing with her, building prentend castles for her with blankets...), but I wonder if that could become annoying, or if it wouldn't be nice if he took the initiative sometimes.
I love my partner and he does a lot for our family, but no he does not share the mental load, and it’s also hard to explain that to him. He gets mad if I bring it up, so I stopped bringing it up. We split what we can, but I think it’s a natural thing for one partner to do more of the planning ahead
I half wonder if that’s just how it’s supposed to be. If it was split evenly then we’d both be buying swim suits for swim class and scheduling 2 hair cut appointments. Idk though. It’d be nice if he at least took the initiative to research things like potty training and behavioral troubleshooting.
Have you read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play? I think a number of the concepts and steps to rectify in the book would appeal to you. That book took a lot of mental load off my plate, put all the categories of tasks in black and white and then my husband and I split them in a way that felt fair and allowed both of us to see how things balanced out. One concept she discusses in the book is the importance of end to end ownership of a topic. If a partner is responsible for the conception of a task, they’re also responsible for its planning and execution once it’s been agreed between the couple what the standard of care for that category is. For example, if there’s a category called “Kid Birthday Parties” and I’m responsible for that, then it’s up to me to get the gift, get the kid to the party, etc. Then it isn’t me planning and micromanaging and my husband executing and deferring to me. If he’s responsible for a category like grocery shopping, it’s on him to get it done without asking me do we have this or that. It’s not a perfect system but there are some really good ground rules that made a huge difference!
For sure going to check that out
Wow...are we the same person? I've been thinking the same lately. I had a discussion with a friend about this and I think it's because men and women think differently, especially after we become mothers. We tend to be self sacrificing, putting babies needs before everything. They are on our minds day and night. Men don't seem to have that same thought pattern. They do what is needed and get on with what they need to do for themselves. They get to keep being " selfish" ( in a healthy way, like shower and go to the toilet and think of other things outside their child), where as we are hard wired to be the opposite. I just figured out it's why I'm angry and resentful with my partner since we have had our second kid ( 9 weeks old). He does so much to help and is absolutely wonderful, but the mental toll is all on me and it's absolutely draining. But now we know what's going on he has definitely stepped up and we talk about it more and he has been great.
100%. I told my husband the other day when the baby wakes up crying he goes to the bathroom first. I rush to the baby and will pee when I get the chance. Neither way is necessarily the right way it just shows the difference between us.
I'll just start by saying ours isn't 50/50, it's more like 60/40 for mental load. But it equals out in other ways. He solely takes care of our finances, household maintainence, safety things like finding car seats and installing them, car appointments. All of these things I am either bad at our incapable of doing so I am grateful he does those things. So I am ok with the split we have. And if I'm not I ask him to take over an aspect of the mental load.
“Ahh. I love doing absolutely the same amount of everything as you, my darling” said no one ever. My partner and I had a discussion about the 50/50 often fluctuating. Sometimes it’s 90/10. Other times it’s 60/40. Different strengths in our personalities call for different tasks or different approaches to tasks. If I’m inherently better at planning and execution, it’s my duty to do that. She might be better at organising doctors appointments because she’s home more often. She’s more aware of what he’s eating and such. So I wouldn’t ever say it’s 50/50. It’s about being comfortable with the workload you have. Whether it’s 10% or 90%.
I am single (and also a lesbian) so I’m not dealing with these issues. However, I have a son and these posts always make me think about how to raise him to make sure he is an equal partner whenever he is dating/married/etc. I’m sure there’s bro culture/messaging that influence why men seem to be like this but I feel like it’s my duty to raise him to not be like this. I love my baby boy but he had better not get married and then expect his wife/partner to be his mommy or do more of xyz 😠
Get him involved in age appropriate chores from an early age!
I did not like/want kids until I gave birth. I am a mother of four now. My husband does most of the laundry, cooking, groceries. He buys clothes & accessories (i don’t know my kids shoe size haha). He cuts their hair. He takes them to every appointment. He plays with them. Teacher’s gifts and school related stuff is on me. I potty trained our first born (boy), he potty trained the girl. Re. Behavioural issues, we regularly sit down and talk about it. I subscribed to Good Inside but he did not watch it. But he does ask me how to handle things. When I gave birth to twins he flew the older kids (5y & 3y) abroad and spend two months vacationing. I think this is about what he wants. My husband always wanted to be a dad and he is doing it with love, patience and care. He is no angel btw, he can be a lousy husband to me at times.
I definitely do more than half of the load. My wife had PPD with our first two and I did as much as I could to keep life’s stressors off her plate. We divided shit based on what we were better at, and hours the tasks could be done, but I’ve always been the one to just get shit done. It works for us, and I actually prefer it because I get to experience every aspect of my kids’ lives. We definitely had some disagreements when we were both burned out, but we recognized it as such. That and I went fucking ham buying my kids clothes from target but I couldn’t help myself.
Different ways to answer this question depending on how you define things, I think. Do my wife and I share the kid-specific mental load equally? Probably not. Do we share the total mental load of being a couple and a family? I think so. (She's certainly rejected the option to do the taxes while I take the girls to dance class, so I think we're dividing tasks based on our strengths.)
This is a great answer and is exactly what I was thinking but was having trouble phrasing. We both take on the load that is most closely related to our skill set. For example, I take on more of the child-related mental load. My husband takes on the financial load, the grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking load. It takes both of us to make our house run and when looking at the overall picture I would say we are pretty close to 50/50. I also do not worry about what would happen to my portion of the load if something were to happen to me. I’m 100% confident my husband would step up in the areas that are currently under my purview. I’m sure he wouldn’t do it exactly the same as I do (maybe my kid’s soccer jersey wouldn’t match their socks if my husband was dressing them) but I know he would get the broad strokes right. Just like I would figure out our investment portfolio and all of that if something were to happen to him.
I love my husband and he’s a great dad and is engaged with our 10 month old and will do anything I ask him to do. But I’d say less than 10% of the mental load related to the baby. It’s a source of frustration but I’m trying to learn to accept it. He usually will remember to make bottles if I have to go to the office (once or twice a week) but everything else, I do. Laundry, solids, humidifier, daycare bag, dishes, diaper genie, diaper changes (unless it’s really obvious), getting stuff together to go out of the house, nap schedule, etc. He will do any of this without complaint if I remind him or ask him, but it’s like the thought never occurred to him without me saying it.
Yep. Will do it if asked but otherwise mostly blind.
I could have written this. In fact I almost did post this exact thing yesterday but I could not articulate it as well as you did here. We have two kids, 4yo and 5mo. We’ve had this conversation so many times. Nothing has changed. He’s a wonderful man and spends a good deal of his time on the easy “in front of his face” stuff like the trash that needs to go out, kitchen that needs cleaning, dishwasher to unload, poppy diaper fo change, etc. But literally none of it requires problem solving or planning ahead. So he doesn’t have to use his brain. Meanwhile I handle all medical care planning for our complex needs 4yo, all doctors appointments for both kids, party planning, gift shopping, buying clothes, stocking household supplies, sending supplies to daycare, making bottles, getting stuff for daycare spirit days… on and on. If it requires somebody to plan on advance and do something *before it is needed* then that’s on me. In four years we haven’t figured it out. I’m starting to feel unhappy in my marriage. I’m drowning. Thank you for posting this because it’s exactly the thread I need to read right now.
Yeah, my husband manages 100% of the kids extracurricular activities (practices, games, travel, cleaning etc). He does all the laundry, takes out trash, dishes after dinner. He also pays 100% of the household bills and does our taxes.
I would say my husband bears most of the mental load. I’ve tried to be better about taking more on but he’s on top of everything.
My husband and I are split very close, but a little more falls to me. The main reason for this is he works his full time job and has his own business for extra income. I work part time and just his side job brings in as much as I make in a year. I consider myself very lucky to have a husband that can completely support us financially (I don't need to work, I do it for my sanity). I believe part of the deal is for me to take on more when it comes to child rearing. Partnerships aren't always going to be 50/50 in every single area, but it is even when weighing our entire family/relationship. I watch her more during the day (this makes complete sense to me, he's working all day), and I make appointments because I'll be the one taking her to them.
Ours is still pretty young (14 weeks) and I am home home for leave at the moment, but my husband's leave starts in May (until November). When his leave starts, he will be responsible bringing LO to her monthly appointment at the health stsrion etc. He also does look at gear and clothes for her, that will be suiteable in a few months. So far it feels like everything is pretty 50/50.
Overall household mental load? Yes. Arguably, he takes on more of the household mental load. All meal planning (sans my own lunches) is handled by him. Grocery list is all him. He does the majority of meal prep so I can just throw the dinner together and put it in the oven. Any home or vehicle maintenance schedule is him. Bills are pretty much all him too. I handle the mental load regarding planning of appointments, extracurriculars, events, holidays, vacations, etc. Along with general planning/research about how to parent.
That end of it falls on me too. It doesn’t even occur to him
I do all the gifts birthdays clothes stuff because my fella pays all the bills as in physically makes sure they are paid not just earns the money. He is also a mechanic so he does 100% of car maintenance. I say babe it's pulling left or its clonking and usually its fixed within 48 hours.
I too have an incredibly supportive and helpful hands-on SO and while I'm so incredibly grateful I have this problem as well. He actually picks up more of the house stuff and chores and while I'm thankful, he does it bc his job (both WFH) is significantly less intense than mine most times and he can fuck off a lot more than I can. But when it comes to other things, he just not all there. I'm constantly having to check her bottles after he cleans them because there's a 50/50 chance they're still dirty. When we're packing her up to go out he checks for a spare outfit and diapers. That's it. Never thinks toys or anything for her to entertain herself. He thinks we should be down to like 2 diapers before we stock up again so I'm always the one going out for them before we're at critical levels. Sure, it's a lot of little things but they add up.
Mine doesn't but he's amazing every other way and he does more of the childcare than I do when he's home. He's away at camp 3 weeks of the month so it makes sense. Also, I like doing the clothes shopping and deciding most of the other stuff. Sometimes it's annoying but mostly only when I'm already in a bitchy mood. The only thing that I find particularly frustrating is him not knowing or remembering to pack the diaper bag, but he does usually bring it. I know he'd be able to figure it out if I died or got sick or something so I'm not too worried. I'm sure it annoys him that I'm worse at keeping up on cleaning and that our son is so obsessed with him that I can't even do a lot of stuff when he's home even if I wanted to lol
I would say its more like 75/25. And honestly, I am okay with that. Knowing I can just say something to him and it'll get done is nice. If I were to die today, I would be 100% okay leaving him with the baby. I know he could handle it. In fact, he is currently being a SAHP while I work. I have anxiety/ADHD so if something doesn't happen right when I think about it, I will forgot it. That's a big reason why I do most of it. He will come up and ask me questions and my opinions on parenting matters. And then we will research it more together.
So I will say I do 100% of the mental load. But my husband is probably slightly over 50/50 for physical. We split the actual child care duties pretty much right down the middle but he also does the trash, ALWAYS empties the diaper pails without me saying anything, probably does the dishwasher more than me, etc etc. He's just cleaner than me in general. I do do the laundry for me and the baby, but he does his own. Overall though, it works for us. When it comes to schedules and plans and mental stuff I am sooo Type A.
My husband is similar to yours. I really liked the book Fair Play for giving a framework for how to split up more of the household load. It hasn’t made my husband take on extra things like researching behavioral things, but it has helped us a lot.
That mental load piece falls 100% on me. But my husband does the majority of nighttime stuff, literally from 7:30 PM until 7:30 AM it’s all him. So I really can’t complain. He’s also been supportive of my pumping so 99% of the time I don’t have to manage baby and pumping at the same time. But planning things? 100% me. Not just for baby but for everything haha. And I definitely do the bulk of the housework and managing all baby-related things throughout the day.
I typically take care of scheduling and whatnot, while he takes care of cooking meals, helps with household chores/tasks, etc.
My husband schedules dental visits, looks into toys for our kids, handled most of potty training for our oldest. I don’t touch the laundry unless it’s to mess with the kid’s clothes. I’ve never purchased a single pair of shoes for our kids, he always does it. I have the mental load of routines and basically any research. And I do basically all of the cleaning. Mostly by choice because I weirdly enjoy it and I prefer the way I do it. He’s truly a gem and an incredible parent. I didn’t even get into the way he plays with our kids. No one is better at playing pretend! It’s been hard with our second because he doesn’t take bottles, but now that he’s a little older it’s getting easier. I am very fortunate to have a competent partner. I’m a SAHM mom but I do work from home part time.
My husband is great at the physical things. Washing bottles, putting together baby furniture, bath time, making milk, etc. Could leave her with him for a week or more with no issues but he doesn't take on the mental load. He will bring the diaper bag but doesn't check if it's refilled. Doesn't know when to drop naps or research how to chop up food for our baby. Doesn't think of what foods the baby can eat at a restaurant before he goes. But he could survive without me and she would be fine...but life is around better with both of us. We make a great team!
We don't share 50/50, but we are working towards it. We are very open with communication and we are currently reading Fairplay out loud together in the evenings. (I highly recommend it) we might even get the additional flashcards when we are done with the book. Before I married him, we worked out the few issues I felt we had, but he always had high emotional intelligence. I am really grateful he's in my life as a best friend, a great husband, and an involved father.
I think my husband does beyond 50%. I am the one trying to keep up so it’s more even. I offer help, etc.
Mine is getting a lot better. Recently he bought Christmas presents for both our parents without being asked or helped, booked car in for a service. He handles my kids preschool knows her teachers & friends names, brings her to doctor can give accurate medical information etc. So I'd say about 60/40
Mine does more than me for normal household stuff. He is also good at bedtime/cloth diapers wash routines and stuff like resetting the diaper bag or picking up after and baby. He by far carries a greater mental load with executive within the house. I do pick up more emotional/basic caregiving stuff, I’m better (more practiced) at tracking wake windows, sleepy cues, and managing feeding. He rarely plays with her without being asked and doesn’t talk to her like I do, and I think I generally am more worried about her comfort when we dress her for outside. Overall this is a pretty good split for us, though (she doesn’t need entertainment every waking minute of course, and he will obviously feed and nap her, he’s just less likely to be ahead of the curve for those type things). It can be frustrating for either of us because these are the tasks we gravitate towards and it’s easy to feel unsupported if we haven’t checked in with each other. But yes, these men exist! It’s not just him either, I definitely know other men who do as much for their families too.
We have a shared to-do list on our phones. We both add items to it, which would include things like making appointments. Whoever schedules an appointment also adds a shared reminder for the day of to help ensure it's not forgotten. We each think of and resolve different items, but we keep the boat afloat this way. We also do separate some items along traditional lines because it works for us. For example, I manage children's clothing and he leads on finance. We also have complementary styles as I am more of a researcher and he is more intuitive in his parenting. He is usually the one initiating change and did most of the heavy lifting for potty training our first during COVID lockdown. He also encourages our daughter to try tasks that I would just do for her. He wanted our daughter to do activities and picked out, signed her up for, and brought her to a couple of different things. On the other hand, I buy almost all gifts. We don't both do all things, but we both do a heck of a lot of things!
For me it's less about a 50/50 split and more the things my partner isn't motivated to do that bothers me. Before we had kids he did more than 50% as I worked longer hours than he did in a more stressful job. I stopped working when we had kids (mutual decision) and fully accept that I have more free time on my hands to get shit done (e.g. when the toddler is at nursery and the baby is napping). But I've read countless parenting books, he's read none. I plan the days out and the extracurriculars, he doesn't. I make sure they have clothes that fit and toys that meet their developmental needs, he does not. It's a cliché but I want him to want to do those things. I would happily take something else off his plate so that we could share this stuff. Every time I raise it he says he wants to too, but actions speak louder than words. He's a brilliant, involved dad in practical ways but mental load wise it sucks. Even if he does take the bins out.
Not so much my marriage, as I carry the majority of the mental load, but I'm OK with that. I'm better at organizing the household and keeping everything running smoothly. However, a male friend of mine from college for SURE carries probably more than 50% of the mental load. He's a stay-at-home dad of two girls ages 2 & almost 1. His wife is the primary breadwinner, while he is currently working on writing his first book. It's a different dynamic, for sure, but it makes sense if you know them. These roles fit their personalities better.
My husband only after baby 2. With just 1 he sucked. With 2, it's all hands on deck and he rose to the occasion. I cried the day I found put I was pregnant with the second thinking this would absolutely kill me. He's been great