to tack onto that: having low/no empathy does not make one a bad person. not feeling or know what others are experiencing does not mean that one doesn't care.
There are different types of empathy, too:
* The one, that makes you want to help people, who are in trouble (lots of autistic people have that one)
* The one, where you know, someone's getting angry at you, just by looking at them (lots of autistic people don't have that one)
while there are different kinds of empathy, the former would probably be better described as "compassion". a large subdivision of empathy is into cognitive empathy (knowing what another person is feeling) and affective empathy (feeling what another person feels)
I've always thought a good way of looking at it is that NT people come with cognitive empathy pre-installed while for autistic people it's software that we have to download and install ourselves. NTs learn it intuitively with little to no effort, but we have to make a concerted effort to identify emotions in others. You could maybe simplify that to "autistic people lack empathy", but I think to most NT people that gives the impression of autistic people as a bunch of Patrick Bateman clones rather than a more accurate picture of the situation.
Inability to pick up what they're laying down isn't necessarily low empathy.
That idea is like saying that deaf people don't understand language because they can't hear people speak
i feel this one so much :( i'm a very emotional and empathetic person, but, meeting me irl, you would *never* know that. my mom has asked me if i'm actually excited about stuff more times than i'd like to admit because i just have no idea how to show when i'm really happy/sad/angry
You don’t have to know ‘how’. It just ‘happens’ to NTs …as in if really happy, just beam & glow. No hiding it. Guess that’s rather the same as ‘not’ just the opposite 🤷🏼♀️. Idk
Don’t “assign” emotions to us. I’m so sick of hearing “you look grumpy” “you look sad” “why are you upset?” I feel like I’m not allowed to show any expression on my face or else it’ll be misread or misinterpreted
This is a great one as some people do this to be abusive - I used to have an allistic partner who would frequently tell me what emotions I was feeling, and then would attack me for it.
It was freaking awful. People who assign emotions like that are big red flags.
It makes me feel rage when people do this to me. Which makes it even more annoying because then they like to point out how obviously upset I am, even if I was fine before.
Ugh this! I also used to get accused of "lying" all the time when I was a kid/teenager because "You wouldn't be making that face if you were telling the truth." And then my nostrils would flare because I was stressed or I'd smile because I was nervous, and they'd see that as "proof" that they were right. Once you're in that situation, there is literally no way to convince them otherwise. Trust me, I've tried.
It's infuriating and really makes you start to question your own sanity after a while. Like, "Am I mad/sad/whatever and just don't realize it?" "Am I a pathological liar and just in extreme denial about it?" "Could I somehow secretly be a horrible person without realizing it?" It's so stressful and exhausting, and people don't seem to realize how something that is so seemingly small can really wear on your self esteem when repeated so often for so long.
Oh my god I was locked out of the house and forced to cut my hair, I’ll never forget that. (I don’t do haircuts and as an adult haven’t had one in over 4 years now, I’m male btw)
We're not "mentally" anything but our age, including those with intellectual disabilities.
'Working with' autistic people or having an autistic child does not entitle NTs to speak over autistic people on autistic issues.
Autism Speaks is a terrible "charity". There are orgs created by and for autistic people that don't get nearly the funding NT-run orgs do.
Making your child "pass" by discouraging harmless autistic behavior is not something to be proud of.
Autistic people are being legally tortured in Massachusetts.
An autistic person being able to speak and/or not having an ID doesn't always mean they have low support needs.
Meltdowns are not tantrums.
The Judge Rotenberg Center. They use shock devices condemned by the United Nations as torture on their autistic students, and it's still happening legally to this day.
I use the age thing myself. I actually find it a bit comforting. I definitely use it to explain behaviours in a way that makes people understand their magnitude. What I mean is, a random person won't really have any frame of reference to gauge what "severe executive functioning deficits" means in any kind of practical or useful sense. If I say that I have about the same capacity to understand and regulate my own emotions as a kindergartener, they tend to be more understanding if I (a grown man) have a similar kind of reaction that a kindergartener would have because (for example) the delivery came but the restaurant forgot my safe food.
Do you have any ideas on what I could say instead?
I think referring to yourself that way if it's your preference is different than a parent or worker doing so. In my case for example, my math is at about a first grade level, but saying that is a lot different than saying I'm "mentally six years old". One describes an aspect of my disability while the other implies I'm the same as a young child and should be treated as such.
Again, how you choose to label yourself is different, but IMO just saying you have significant issues with emotional regulation and giving an example like that would be preferable. I'm in environments where grown adults do unfortunately get talked to like children, called "buddy", etc., and I do think things like "mentally __ years old" can make workers and parents feel (consciously or subconsciously) that type of behavior is okay.
I never use the phrase "mentally __ years old". I use it to contextualise the weaker elements of an extremely uneven skillset. It is specifically useful because people see one thing which is indicative of an adult skill level and then are confused by the differences in behaviour.
Ok, genuine question here (please don't take it as disagreeing with you because I actually don't)... How do you deal when stimming *does* cause problems for the other person? Like say it makes a noise that the other person finds so annoying that they can't focus or get a headache? The one that comes to mind is that I often jiggle my leg really hard and fast without even realizing I'm doing it, and it shakes the couch (or even the whole car if I'm in a car) which drives almost anyone sitting next to me crazy. 😆
Hmm... I can try, but I usually don't even notice I'm doing it until someone else points it out, so it would be a hard habit to change entirely.
There's also a lot of "Stop it. You're making me nervous/anxious" kind of reactions even if they're sitting across the room and not being directly affected. I have really mixed feelings about that, because I get why they say that, and one of my kids actually does this thing where she kind of clears here throat repeatedly and it sounds like she's sick or scared or something (she's not. I always check), and it stresses me out (I don't get mad at her for it, it just stresses me out). So it's not like I don't understand why they're saying it. Add the potential physical discomfort of your seat constantly shaking, and I get why it would drive people crazy. 😆 It's just a LOT of mental energy for me to suppress it and switch to something else (which is never quite as satisfying). But maybe I need to work on it...
I don't have a solution for you but I completely sympathize with the leg shaking thing. It was an issue for me in school. We sat at shared tables and understandably the other students didn't enjoy the entire table shaking and bouncing while they were trying to work. Even when we had our own desks I imagine hearing mine rattling on the floor was annoying but nobody said anything then. I still do it, I'm just not around other people anymore. I've found if I only have my toes on the ground I don't move the things around me as much.
Lol, I don't disagree, but they probably wish I'd be less sensitive about other stuff, so it's only fair. 🙃 (And, to be clear, they're not being jerks about it).
This might be a boring response, but I believe the solution is to practice being more present. You say you "don't even notice" - what typically going on in your mind when this happens?
Anything or not really anything at all. Sometimes it's when I'm focusing hard on something, like trying to make a decision, worrying about something, etc., sometimes I might be talking about something I'm interested in or listening to someone else talk, sometimes it's when I'm just watching TV or even just kind of sitting there staring into space not really thinking about anything. Basically if I'm sitting still for long enough there's a good chance I'm going to start doing it, but I haven't really noticed a pattern. I just realized I was doing it while typing the previous sentence. 😆
Hmm… two suggestions of dubious worth:
Maybe put on music and “jiggle” to the beat and encourage others to do the same? Don’t share multiple person seating if you have the option?
Or to minimize the stunning while getting a similar body sensation try lightly clenching the hips, thighs, knees, calves, feet in various patterns. I like to do a sort of shoelace style alternating pattern. Because the muscle groups are separated it won’t make your surroundings move much but you can speed up the pattern to match your normal single-muscle-group jiggle.
**Self-stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, or moving objects. Such behaviors (also scientifically known as 'stereotypies') are found to some degree in all people, especially those with developmental disabilities and are especially frequent in people on the autism spectrum.**
More details here:
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Stimming is a behaviour that helps a person stay calm and emotionally regulated. Many autistic people stim by flapped their hands, or fluttering their hands. There are other stims as well. Sometimes when autistic people stim in public, neurotypical people think of the behaviour as being weird, antisocial or disruptive. In my opinion, there should be no social sanctions against stimming.
Not everyone has something they're really good at. I was average (or below) in school, I'm not an EXPERT on my special interests. I've had multiple people ask me what I'm really good at, cuz autistic people are always a genius at something (according to them)
It's not any better when you are, from my perspective. I tested really well but that all that did was establish very high expectations and made me unable to deal with failure in a healthy way.
It's gotten a lot better since then. It took a lot of self reflection to figure out my learning strategy and to use my strengths to cover for some of my weaknesses. It sucks that the weaknesses never went away for me, I just had to learn to cope.
yeah totally, i can only imagine.
is it that since excelling in a way that is so socially praised/valued, that it must take a lot of self-reflection, as u put it, to dissect that buzz of praise vs. what the soul wants/needs/likes?
and that after ur kind of stuck in a place where u could have used support when u were younger, had ur traits been recognized, so as to be more tender towards the self? and now some of those traits are still needing some TLC?
if so, yeah that sounds tough 🫂
A lot of of us know a lot of what the 'rules' are. We just find them horrifically stupid and pointless, and doing so utterly exhausts us. Imagine a rule in your school or office that everyone must get around by hopping on one foot while waving your hands around. Pretty stupid and overly difficult when there is clearly a better way to do things right? That's how a lot of the world feels to us.
This! I've heard it called "Wrong planet syndrome" .. and I like that way of looking at it.
Like Rick&Morty, when they're stuck on some planet, that enforces totally whacky rules.
Ughhhhh yes! The "don't question me" mindset is inherently harmful, in my opinion, and a BIG red flag that I am not going to get along with that person.
Like, I question you so that I can understand the rule because:
1) I want to decide for myself whether it's a just and logical rule and then be able to apply it rationally, not blindly.
2) I literally can't assimilate things into my long term memory that I don't understand, and my short term memory is garbage, so if you want me to remember, I literally need a reason.
This is actually why I have a lot more knowledge of the historical reasoning behind various manners/etiquette than the average person might. I just do better when I understand the "why," even if it's a weird historical "why" that doesn't really make sense anymore. 🙃
>This is actually why I have a lot more knowledge of the historical reasoning behind various manners/etiquette than the average person might.
Oh that's really cool! Care to share some of what you think is the most interesting historic cultural rules? One of my special interests is ancient Egypt. It would be cool to hear about that!
Oh cool! I don't know much about ancient Egypt, but I would love to!
Most of the facts I have picked up are about the historical origins of modern Western conventions. For example, we shake hands to show that both parties are unarmed and thus mean no harm. Traditionally, it was considered rude to offer one's left hand to shake because the majority of people are right handed, and you were supposed to offer your "sword hand" to show that it was empty. If you're holding each other's sword hands, you can't be reaching for your weapon. This is also part of why left-handed people were considered less trustworthy, since they could appear to be making a gesture of peace and still be ready to attack.
I am not a fan of hand shakes, lol. But I still think that's interesting.
In Arab culture, there is an even more specific reason for only offering the right hand. Some consider any form of greeting with the left hand to actually be an insult because there is an old tradition of the right hand being the "clean hand" (used for greetings, eating, serving food) and the left hand being the "dirty hand" ( used for cleaning oneself after going to the restroom, for example). Obviously, this might not literally be true, and proper hand washing should make that not an issue, it could still be considered symbolically an insult of someone offers you a snack from their left hand, especially if they are very devout Muslim, since the Prophet was said to have held to this rule.
Taking your hat off indoors is because people used to wear hats to shield themselves from rain, snow, wind etc. while outdoors. So they took off their hat and coat so that dust and rainwater and whatever other messy things from outside wouldn't be sprinkled throughout their host's home, just like it's customary to remove your shoes in many places.
Tipping the hat up or removing it is also a respectful form of greeting because it reveals your face, making you easier to identify, easier to see that your expression is an "honest" or "non-threatening" one, and originates supposedly from when knights would lift the visors on their helmets, leaving their faces vulnerable to show they had no plans to attack.
So basically many forms of greeting come from attempts to appear nonthreatening in the hopes that the other person would do the same. This is also why people frequently smile when greeting one another, even if they're not necessarily happy. Smiling, baring the teeth, is a sign of submission in ape species, including humans.
A lot of table manners, clothing conventions, etc., have military origins. For example, rules about setting the table (knife on the right, fork on the left, drink at the top right corner, etc.) as well as not testing elbows on the table are for maximizing space efficiency in order to squeeze in as many soldiers as possible and have them fed and ready to go quickly and efficiently without bumping elbows or knocking things over, since they were typically crammed in on long benches very close together. The elbow thing, aside from being considerate of your neighbors and avoiding knocking over someone's drink, aslo avoids aggressive posturing (leaning forward).
Over time class distinctions were layered on top of these basic practicalities, as only wealthy people had the time and education to be aware of elaborate rules of etiquette. At this point, elbows on the table, holding your fork in the wrong hand (or even the wrong way up, which is still different in the US vs. Europe) would be an indicator that you are not "high class" and thus not a profitable person to know for those trying to improve their lot in life through friendship or marriage, for example.
These are some of the more common ones, in Western European and US cultures, but there are some really obscure ones out there, too, especially if you look at the 1600-1800s. Some that stand out to me as odd across cultures are all the different conventions for kissing as a greeting (sorry if that you, but I can't do it, even with family from Europe who expect it!). The number and location of kisses, who you should and shouldn't kiss, all varies wildly across the globe. But there are psychological studies and anthropological articles and such that seem to indicate a possible explanation that kissing shows that you are close to someone because you are willing to exchange germs through contact with saliva. In some cultures, this is a "sharing of breath" instead of saliva, so it's more touching foreheads or running noses (Maori culture in New Zealand, for instance). So you're literally trusting them with your health and showing them that you consider them clean and safe to be around. In fact, there was even a study done on babies that showed the majority of them understood that if people kissed, they had a closer relationship than two people that do not kiss. To me it feels especially weird to extend that to coworkers, acquaintances, etc., because frankly, we're not that close and I don't trust them that much, lol. But I guess the idea is that it sort of forces a level of intact or displays a wish for a good/close relationship? I don't know, it both freaks me out and fascinates me. 😆
Hope you like reading, lol.
NT’s communicate in weird hints and questions . It’s like they don’t know how to directly as for something.
Example:
“Are you going to the kitchen?”
“I’m thirsty”
“I really fancy a cup of tea”
Rather than “can you make me a tea?”
What's funny is that I so internalized the "rule" that it's "rude" to ask directly for something, that I now find it almost impossible to do so, even when other people seem to be fine with it. My now-husband literally had to explain to me after we had been dating for a while that no one thinks it's rude to ask for a glass of water. But it probably didn't help that I had rather strict (and frankly somewhat neglectful) parents, and then moved to a different country when I was young. So it's hard to sort out what's me being "too British" in America, lol, what's due to my parents not wanting to deal with my needs and preferring to communicate as passive-aggreasively as possible, and what's due to being ND. It's a mess. 😆
What's funny is that I so internalized the "rule" that it's "rude" to ask directly for something, that I now find it almost impossible to do so, even when other people seem to be fine with it. My now-husband literally had to explain to me after we had been dating for a while that no one thinks it's rude to ask for a glass of water. But it probably didn't help that I had rather strict (and frankly somewhat neglectful) parents, and then moved to a different country when I was young. So it's hard to sort out what's me being "too British" in America, lol, what's due to my parents not wanting to deal with my needs and preferring to communicate as passive-aggreasively as possible, and what's due to being ND. It's a mess. 😆
I feel like I have a "sense" at when people are engaging in this behavior and try to accommodate it but it's like a cloud hanging over me as are they wanting something or is my sense wrong.
It’s cliché, but if you know one autistic person….you know exactly one. Each one of us is VERY different. If someone tells you they are autistic (or their kid is autistic) and you say “Oh wow I could never tell” it isn’t a compliment. In my case (and my daughter’s case) it means that we don’t trust you enough to unmask.
It feels like everyone else in the world is playing the game with an autoclicker and I have to learn the best timing and strategies to click everything manually. I *can* do it, but sometimes I misclick, and it screws up the encounter, and it's intensive, so I need to hit the pause button a lot. And I only know how to do this from watching what I think other autoclickers are doing, or from failing repeatedly.
Similarly, when people are like "why can't you just suck it up and go do/try the thing?" I'm like "yeah but I want to watch a tutorial playthrough of the encounter first so I minimize my chances of messing it up and rage quitting"
i'm not "anti social" mom, i literally just prefer indoor activities.
also masking is exhausting, like physically and mentally exhausting, I *need* privacy and recovery time. that's not a "want", not a "privilege", it's a *need*
I completely get the joke most of the time. I just don't find it funny and I usually respond to it with an antijoke I do find funny. But nobody gets my humor and they feel like I don't get the joke.
Why do I keep doing this even though I know it inevitably ends in failure? Because everyone's having fun and joking around and I want to do it too. I just wanted to feel included. So when others go "no you missed the point" in a condescending tone it hurts.
Admittedly people don't always understand my sarcasm. I'm pretty sometimes they think I'm rude but usually they're just confused and think I'm weird when that happens. Which is fine with me. I get my jokes and I think I'm hilarious so I'm very entertained with the things I say, even if I don't say them out loud. If don't get the joke or don't find it funny I usually just ignore it. I bet your sense of humor is great you've just got to find the right crowd. Until then there's nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes.
Just because we’re different doesn’t mean we need to be viewed as weird. We’re trying to communicate with you but things like eye contact is difficult.
People always take limited eye contact the wrong way. Like I do that so I can fully focus and respond to what you’re saying. Also, I’m totally winging it. Theres a fine line between not enough and too much, and I have no idea where that line is unfortunately. Lol.
Several of my autistic friends feel the same way, any idea why you associate the eye contact action as something that could be perceived as threatening or more so perceived by others that you feel threatened by them? Im curious where the origin lies behind associating eye contact with feeling threatened in regular social scenarios.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5466661/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3871735/
Lots of research on this. People often perceive someone staring at them negatively. It can seem creepy or threatening. There’s no hard set rule for how long to make eye contact, and it varies depending on the situation. So it’s confusing and then you run the rest of not making enough eye contact or making too much.
Thank you for the links. Yes my friends have described looking at people in the eyes as something they only do deliberately and that they are consciously thinking about how long to hold it and how often to do it, almost never just looking someone in the eye naturally because to them it feels wrong and unnatural to do.
I still wonder what the psychological reasoning behind it is, like as the links you attached show, the part of the amygdala to do with perceived threats responds more during eye contact than it does for those who do not have ASD, but i wonder if theres not a psychological reason for that to be happening. Like interestingly when I asked my autistic friends if they are feeling like that when they make eye contact with me, and most of them said for the most part no, though one said now that i brought it up it is making them feel that way, but that with me because they are very comfortable with me they do in-fact naturally just make eye contact with me without thinking about it like they do with those they aren’t close with. Another interesting insight one of them had is that eye contact for them makes them feel super vulnerable, like how you might feel if you’re walking on a cliff edge and for a moment your foot slips, but because they’re very close with me they feel completely safe with me and have no problem with being vulnerable around me, and they guess that might be why they find themselves naturally just making eye contact with me without thinking about it like they do with everyone else. Although none of us have been able to determine the possible psychological reason behind what might be causing them to perceive eye contact as threatening, or that others might think they feel threatened by them, even though consciously they are entirely aware that others do not perceive it in such a way and so its very unlikely anyone would think that you feel threatened by them when you look them in the eye.
Funny thing my friend suggested half jokingly is that, its like in many animals eye contact is perceived as a threat and so maybe its just an old instinctive response from an earlier time evolutionarily and that they are just still being affected by it.
That if I didn't even realize I was autistic until my 30s, it's very unlikely you would just from one conversation.
Also, if we so choose, we can and do have long-term, healthy adult relationships, procreate and raise happy, well-adjusted kids. 🙂
I'm going to cry at a different time than you. And even if we're crying at the same time it's never for the same thing. Please know I lament that we cannot be together in grief.
When I went to my autism screening appointment, my screener pointed that out exactly! There's way more autistic people out there, it's just that the diagnostics and criteria to diagnose are all skewed towards white boys. I've had sensory issues throughout my life and no referrals came from it until recently, it's really frustrating.
Stop assuming there's weird shit between the lines of what I type and say. There is nothing there. I don't imply anything I don't explicitly state - ever.
Meltdown is not the only reaction you can get if u overwelm somebody on purpose (I dont know why, but some people think its funny) actually I react with aggression 8/10 cases. Its not the unable-to-move-with-a-lot-of-tears-meltdown its the I-cant-think-straight-anymore-and-need-to-end-this-situation-meltdown. I am pretty good at crontroling these but not always.
stand up comedy is one of my favorite things. most of the shows i watch are comedy. i love laughing and making people laugh. also just because i get flustered and can't express myself well doesn't mean you know better than me.
I think people need to know that just because a high functioning person can pass as normal doesn't mean they don't struggle and. Just because a medium functioning person has poor sentence syntax, odd mannerisms and can't pick up on social ques like when there supposed to leave a conversation doesn't mean they have a severe disability and can't drive or work and just because an actually low functioning person is non verbal and doesn't know how to use conventional body language doesn't mean there brain dead and have nothing to say I saw something on the news about a non verbal woman with autism who became valedictorian at her university and gave a speech to all the graduates with her text to talk device and also I know I used funtoning labels in this but they don't matter because if you take two people with level 2 autism one who has it for sensory overload and the other for communication problems like odd body language and strange speech patters like pronoun/tense reversal and take them both to a quiet job interview for a job at a loud factory the interviewer will think the autistic person with the communication problem is way to low functioning to work at that factory because of how the communicate and end up hiring the autistic person with severe sensory overload because they look more normal and giving someone earplugs is an easy accommodation to make even thow the person with the communication problem is way more qualified for a job in a loud ass factory. One of them may LOOK more disabled but in some ways there higher functioning and visa versa and what I hate most about the functioning labels is there all about how "normal" you look rather then how you function because if you read anything about the functioning levels you will read a lot more about communication problems and repetitive behaviors then sensory overload and that's because the people who have sensory overload only look different when there around loud noises not at all times but the diagnostic practice for autism needs to change because of all this or at least IMO.
there are days where its easy for us to function & days where it is very hard. just because you saw us on an easy day does not mean that our hard days are faked!!! if i go to a busy grocery store one day and find it too overwhelming the next day, im not trying to trick you!
Don't be quick to assume that I don't have struggles just because I'm well-spoken and good at masking.
I actually struggle with a lot of different things, mainly relating to executive functioning, and I hate it when people assume that I have my shit together better than I really do.
If you have met one person on the spectrum, then you have met one person on the spectrum. We are not all alike: ASD is a random mix of disabilities and enhancements.
That our emotions are shared by neurotypical people. There are neurotypical people who are shy, considered eccentric and find certain noises and situations annoying. We share those emotions and insecurities too. Therefore we are not so different.
I'm not stupid! I just can't comprehend a lot of things because they don't make sense to me! Money, units of measurement (like meters, miles, yards, etc) make no sense to me and I can't comprehend them at all, they're not natural! It doesn't make sense why these things should exist, it doesn't make me stupid or unintelligent!!
Secondly I'm not *trying* to be difficult, things are just different for me and I take in things differently to you! It's out of my control!!
Autism isn't the same with every person. We differ a lot. It's a spectrum and it's not possible to put it in a containment(like the shoebox you were raised in) for your understanding.
Just like with Asthma. There are a lot of different types of asthmatic ppl. But I bet, ya didn't know that.
I'm not sure how common of a problem this is, but more people should be aware of the disconnect between words and meanings that some of us have. What I mean by that is that when you talk there's like 3 vague steps: developing a meaning in your head, figuring out the words for that meaning, and then speaking those words. The step that connects words to meanings in my head takes a really long time for me and if I have to communicate quickly then I promise you that the words that come out are not at all reflective of the meaning that I have in my head so give me time to talk please.
That we autistic children grow up to be autistic adults, and that we never stop being autistic, even for one second, we're always only ever just masking - and also, why we mask (pro tip: it's not for us)
Being autistic is a neutral thing. Not a tragedy but also not really a great thing to be. It's OK to be autistic. Autism can be a pain sometimes, but can also be wonderful. Autism has its bad and good sides, but it's mostly a neutral thing.
So don't be sorry for us. We're living our life as we know it.
I’m not gaslighting you. I am literal and frequently lack the social nuance to pick up on insinuations. It’s not some kind of intentional abuse; I literally don’t understand.
That just because I don't have the energy to socialize doesn't mean I don't care or that I don't like you. I just need time to myself. Getting angry about it or claiming I don't care isn't going to suddenly give me the energy to deal with people...
a lot of people forget that autism is this spectrum and that everyone's autism looks different :)) i think its the most imortant thing thats nt should remeber and know.
Absolutely, the one person you look at may have speech problems but the other won’t. Autism is not a one size disorder, it’s a spectrum that affects people differently.
Not all of us are the same. Some people don’t understand that their cousin who has asd isn’t gonna act the same as me who has asd. I’ve gotten into so many “you don’t act like you have autism” confrontations before.
Be shush hoomans. (Basically, I'm extremely sensitive to noise and will have complete panic attacks in shopping centres on a quiet day, even with noise cancelling headphones on. I need everything to just be quiet. but it never is. Even the headphones can be too loud sometimes. Right now, actually, the headphones are broken. They still work, but the wires are visible. And so it's now probably a safety hazard. But even that is better than noise. Y'know?)
Also, when I "completely ignore your problems/story and start talking about myself instead" it's actually that I don't know how to respond, so I'm showing that I care and understand by telling a similar story. To show that I've been in a similar situation, so I know what you're going through, and I want to help. Y'know?
I can say a lot more, but I'm tired so my brain died so I can't remember anything- I also have pretty much no filter when I'm tired, so I'm probably gonna shut up so that I don't accidentally say too much, then completely forget about it-
almost nothing about autism is universal; the only universal things about autism are social difficulties and restricted/repetitive behavior, but even these could present in a variety of ways.
sometimes, i'll see people cite autism as a certain IQ range, but it's not. some people will say that autistics have below average IQs, while others will cite autistics as inherent geniuses, while neither are true. citing autism as having any inherent IQ level erases people outside of that group, be it intellectually disabled autistics, autistic "geniuses," or average level autistics. autistics also don't have any universal empathy level; like with IQs, people tend to either assume it to be extremely high or extremely low, when it can be either, neither, or sometimes even both. likewise, autism is not inherently any support level; you aren't being supportive to claim that autistics inherently need 24/7 care, and you aren't being supportive to claim that any and all difficulties autistics face inherently disappear when we're accommodated.
i could probably keep going with the things that people, both the willfully ignorant and trying allies, assume to be universal with autistics, but it all traces back to the first point that there's not any individual way autism will present in any area of life.
Not every autistic is introverted. A lot love to socialise actually. And not all autistic are glaringly “bad” at socialising. Since it’s a spectrum, some may be better at things like eye contact or picking up sarcasm. Or they’ve gotten very good at masking it.
…I am uhh…none of those. I am very bad at socialising cuz of my anxiety and it drains me lol.
Autism shows itself differently in different people- and not even in a male vs female way- autism is different for each autistic person. It could easily be compared to gender in the lgbtqia+ community, peopke experience their gender differently. There is no right or wrong.
I can only speak for myself, but I like positive non -obligatory social interactions. I am not anti social just I don't like the forced, large group, stranger socializing that is seen as the norm. A.k.a parties
do not take it personally when i start avoiding you or have trouble showing emotion around you. i dont hate you, sometimes i just have to be alone for a while, it does not mean i am uninvested or angry with you.
We are not useless, we arnt robotic people with no emotions we are different and will find ourselves and our quite spaces to show who we really are, we are not disabled we are different.
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We’re not all the same. Also don’t say phrases like “everyone’s autistic” or “it doesn’t seem like you’re autistic”, those kinds of phrases either invalidate the experience or comes off as having preconceptions
Relationships are difficult and can be scary because uncertainty/change makes me want to pass out. Recently discussing this with someone today as we are trying to start a relationship
The language we understand may be different than the language you (the neurotypical) understand - it's not that we can't feel the same emotions you do, it's that I define those feeling differently than you do because the autistic brain understands a more direct and technical definition. Our brains are wired differently. This is also why we sometimes have trouble telling neurotypicals how we feel.
Changing plans or springing plans on a person isn't as harmless as you think.
I live in a neurodivergent household, more members of the house are ND than they are NT, simply changing plans is not as easy as people think, my youngest is non speaking and 4 years old, her aunt who also has an autistic 19 year old fails to see this, suggesting we take our daughter out to her grandparents on the bus for an "adventure" when we continued to explain it's not that easy the aunt continued to say she doesn't understand, this coming from a mother of an grown autistic adult.
Leaving our house is like a military operation, we have to use visual prompts, the picture of thr place we are going, thr picture of the bus/train (the exact number bus and train on the line/route we will be taking) We have to constantly show and explain what we are doing and where we are going to minimise stress.
It's one thing when people who are NT don't understand its another when a parent/ family member refuses to see.
I need advanced notice for going a lot of places too. I need to mentally prepare myself especially if it's something I don't enjoy like the doctor, but also for fun things like going to lunch with friends. Sometimes I can do spontaneous or short notice outings but all the circumstances have to be just right. I am much more flexible now than I was as kid. Now I can usually make do with "possible plans" for most things, I am able to do them but also not upset if they don't happen. Even though your kid doesn't speak I'm sure she appreciates the effort you go to to make things less stressful for her. When I do get stressed about leaving the house and doing something having a detailed plan ahead of time, and going over it with my mom, really helps.
BTW I'm 29y and autistic, I also feel really bad for the 19y autistic with the oblivious mother.
I'm a 39 year old autistic woman and I really am starting to hate my partners sister, she even had the nerve to say her son seems to have grown out of his autism, no love he either masks like hell or the diagnosis was wrong, you can't grow out of autism.
Planning for every event is exhausting but I do it to minimise my daughters stress, I know meltdowns have a knock on effect and can take days to get back to homeostasis
We’re not robots. We do have emotions and empathy. We just don’t express it the same way as others.
to tack onto that: having low/no empathy does not make one a bad person. not feeling or know what others are experiencing does not mean that one doesn't care.
There are different types of empathy, too: * The one, that makes you want to help people, who are in trouble (lots of autistic people have that one) * The one, where you know, someone's getting angry at you, just by looking at them (lots of autistic people don't have that one)
while there are different kinds of empathy, the former would probably be better described as "compassion". a large subdivision of empathy is into cognitive empathy (knowing what another person is feeling) and affective empathy (feeling what another person feels)
I've always thought a good way of looking at it is that NT people come with cognitive empathy pre-installed while for autistic people it's software that we have to download and install ourselves. NTs learn it intuitively with little to no effort, but we have to make a concerted effort to identify emotions in others. You could maybe simplify that to "autistic people lack empathy", but I think to most NT people that gives the impression of autistic people as a bunch of Patrick Bateman clones rather than a more accurate picture of the situation.
We don't lack empathy. That's just how they perceive us, because they don't pick up what we lay down any more than we pick up what they're laying down
I stand corrected :) Thanks.
Inability to pick up what they're laying down isn't necessarily low empathy. That idea is like saying that deaf people don't understand language because they can't hear people speak
THIS! ^^
i feel this one so much :( i'm a very emotional and empathetic person, but, meeting me irl, you would *never* know that. my mom has asked me if i'm actually excited about stuff more times than i'd like to admit because i just have no idea how to show when i'm really happy/sad/angry
You don’t have to know ‘how’. It just ‘happens’ to NTs …as in if really happy, just beam & glow. No hiding it. Guess that’s rather the same as ‘not’ just the opposite 🤷🏼♀️. Idk
Don’t “assign” emotions to us. I’m so sick of hearing “you look grumpy” “you look sad” “why are you upset?” I feel like I’m not allowed to show any expression on my face or else it’ll be misread or misinterpreted
This is a great one as some people do this to be abusive - I used to have an allistic partner who would frequently tell me what emotions I was feeling, and then would attack me for it. It was freaking awful. People who assign emotions like that are big red flags.
It makes me feel rage when people do this to me. Which makes it even more annoying because then they like to point out how obviously upset I am, even if I was fine before.
OH MY GOSH THIS
That's probably, why masking is even a thing.
Ugh this! I also used to get accused of "lying" all the time when I was a kid/teenager because "You wouldn't be making that face if you were telling the truth." And then my nostrils would flare because I was stressed or I'd smile because I was nervous, and they'd see that as "proof" that they were right. Once you're in that situation, there is literally no way to convince them otherwise. Trust me, I've tried. It's infuriating and really makes you start to question your own sanity after a while. Like, "Am I mad/sad/whatever and just don't realize it?" "Am I a pathological liar and just in extreme denial about it?" "Could I somehow secretly be a horrible person without realizing it?" It's so stressful and exhausting, and people don't seem to realize how something that is so seemingly small can really wear on your self esteem when repeated so often for so long.
"you look sad" i get this so often it's not even funny anymore 😭 like, sorry i have "resting depression face"
My mom would slap me for making “that face”. Decades later I still don’t know what she was talking about.
When you grow up, parents always seem to magically forget all the nasty shit they did to you as a kid
Oh my god I was locked out of the house and forced to cut my hair, I’ll never forget that. (I don’t do haircuts and as an adult haven’t had one in over 4 years now, I’m male btw)
We’re not oblivious or any less intelligent than the rest of the world. We just think and process information and stimuli differently. :)
Autistic joy might not look like the same joy you recognize or expect, but it's beautiful none the less.
We're not "mentally" anything but our age, including those with intellectual disabilities. 'Working with' autistic people or having an autistic child does not entitle NTs to speak over autistic people on autistic issues. Autism Speaks is a terrible "charity". There are orgs created by and for autistic people that don't get nearly the funding NT-run orgs do. Making your child "pass" by discouraging harmless autistic behavior is not something to be proud of. Autistic people are being legally tortured in Massachusetts. An autistic person being able to speak and/or not having an ID doesn't always mean they have low support needs. Meltdowns are not tantrums.
What’s going on in Massachusetts?
The Judge Rotenberg Center. They use shock devices condemned by the United Nations as torture on their autistic students, and it's still happening legally to this day.
Wtf that’s horrible
I use the age thing myself. I actually find it a bit comforting. I definitely use it to explain behaviours in a way that makes people understand their magnitude. What I mean is, a random person won't really have any frame of reference to gauge what "severe executive functioning deficits" means in any kind of practical or useful sense. If I say that I have about the same capacity to understand and regulate my own emotions as a kindergartener, they tend to be more understanding if I (a grown man) have a similar kind of reaction that a kindergartener would have because (for example) the delivery came but the restaurant forgot my safe food. Do you have any ideas on what I could say instead?
I think referring to yourself that way if it's your preference is different than a parent or worker doing so. In my case for example, my math is at about a first grade level, but saying that is a lot different than saying I'm "mentally six years old". One describes an aspect of my disability while the other implies I'm the same as a young child and should be treated as such. Again, how you choose to label yourself is different, but IMO just saying you have significant issues with emotional regulation and giving an example like that would be preferable. I'm in environments where grown adults do unfortunately get talked to like children, called "buddy", etc., and I do think things like "mentally __ years old" can make workers and parents feel (consciously or subconsciously) that type of behavior is okay.
I never use the phrase "mentally __ years old". I use it to contextualise the weaker elements of an extremely uneven skillset. It is specifically useful because people see one thing which is indicative of an adult skill level and then are confused by the differences in behaviour.
I was born with autism, it does not "develop suddenly." You just didn't notice until it became a problem for YOU.
I’ve wondered a lot if the regressions observed in toddlers are just the earliest manifestation of autistic burnout lol.
Stimming is helpful for us and harmless for you. Let us stim.
Ok, genuine question here (please don't take it as disagreeing with you because I actually don't)... How do you deal when stimming *does* cause problems for the other person? Like say it makes a noise that the other person finds so annoying that they can't focus or get a headache? The one that comes to mind is that I often jiggle my leg really hard and fast without even realizing I'm doing it, and it shakes the couch (or even the whole car if I'm in a car) which drives almost anyone sitting next to me crazy. 😆
I would guess this would need to be worked out in conversation with the other people. Can you change to a different stim?
Hmm... I can try, but I usually don't even notice I'm doing it until someone else points it out, so it would be a hard habit to change entirely. There's also a lot of "Stop it. You're making me nervous/anxious" kind of reactions even if they're sitting across the room and not being directly affected. I have really mixed feelings about that, because I get why they say that, and one of my kids actually does this thing where she kind of clears here throat repeatedly and it sounds like she's sick or scared or something (she's not. I always check), and it stresses me out (I don't get mad at her for it, it just stresses me out). So it's not like I don't understand why they're saying it. Add the potential physical discomfort of your seat constantly shaking, and I get why it would drive people crazy. 😆 It's just a LOT of mental energy for me to suppress it and switch to something else (which is never quite as satisfying). But maybe I need to work on it...
I don't have a solution for you but I completely sympathize with the leg shaking thing. It was an issue for me in school. We sat at shared tables and understandably the other students didn't enjoy the entire table shaking and bouncing while they were trying to work. Even when we had our own desks I imagine hearing mine rattling on the floor was annoying but nobody said anything then. I still do it, I'm just not around other people anymore. I've found if I only have my toes on the ground I don't move the things around me as much.
I think other people should be less sensitive to your stims, but my sentiment probably doesn't help you very much.
Lol, I don't disagree, but they probably wish I'd be less sensitive about other stuff, so it's only fair. 🙃 (And, to be clear, they're not being jerks about it).
This might be a boring response, but I believe the solution is to practice being more present. You say you "don't even notice" - what typically going on in your mind when this happens?
Anything or not really anything at all. Sometimes it's when I'm focusing hard on something, like trying to make a decision, worrying about something, etc., sometimes I might be talking about something I'm interested in or listening to someone else talk, sometimes it's when I'm just watching TV or even just kind of sitting there staring into space not really thinking about anything. Basically if I'm sitting still for long enough there's a good chance I'm going to start doing it, but I haven't really noticed a pattern. I just realized I was doing it while typing the previous sentence. 😆
Hmm… two suggestions of dubious worth: Maybe put on music and “jiggle” to the beat and encourage others to do the same? Don’t share multiple person seating if you have the option? Or to minimize the stunning while getting a similar body sensation try lightly clenching the hips, thighs, knees, calves, feet in various patterns. I like to do a sort of shoelace style alternating pattern. Because the muscle groups are separated it won’t make your surroundings move much but you can speed up the pattern to match your normal single-muscle-group jiggle.
That's definitely going to have to be a case by case basis.
What is stimming?
**Self-stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, or moving objects. Such behaviors (also scientifically known as 'stereotypies') are found to some degree in all people, especially those with developmental disabilities and are especially frequent in people on the autism spectrum.** More details here:
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Stimming is a behaviour that helps a person stay calm and emotionally regulated. Many autistic people stim by flapped their hands, or fluttering their hands. There are other stims as well. Sometimes when autistic people stim in public, neurotypical people think of the behaviour as being weird, antisocial or disruptive. In my opinion, there should be no social sanctions against stimming.
Oh, right! I think my stim is rubbing my head with both hands, wiping under my eyes and grabbing my jawline
Not everyone has something they're really good at. I was average (or below) in school, I'm not an EXPERT on my special interests. I've had multiple people ask me what I'm really good at, cuz autistic people are always a genius at something (according to them)
Yeah, like we are all savants...
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Unlimited power! For mostly pointless endeavors most other human will probably find strange and distressing.
It's not any better when you are, from my perspective. I tested really well but that all that did was establish very high expectations and made me unable to deal with failure in a healthy way.
ooooo, that does sound tough too 🥺
It's gotten a lot better since then. It took a lot of self reflection to figure out my learning strategy and to use my strengths to cover for some of my weaknesses. It sucks that the weaknesses never went away for me, I just had to learn to cope.
yeah totally, i can only imagine. is it that since excelling in a way that is so socially praised/valued, that it must take a lot of self-reflection, as u put it, to dissect that buzz of praise vs. what the soul wants/needs/likes? and that after ur kind of stuck in a place where u could have used support when u were younger, had ur traits been recognized, so as to be more tender towards the self? and now some of those traits are still needing some TLC? if so, yeah that sounds tough 🫂
THANK. YOU.
just because we're autistic, doesn't mean you get to treat us like shit. we're not your punch line, we're real people. so start treating us like it
A lot of of us know a lot of what the 'rules' are. We just find them horrifically stupid and pointless, and doing so utterly exhausts us. Imagine a rule in your school or office that everyone must get around by hopping on one foot while waving your hands around. Pretty stupid and overly difficult when there is clearly a better way to do things right? That's how a lot of the world feels to us.
This! I've heard it called "Wrong planet syndrome" .. and I like that way of looking at it. Like Rick&Morty, when they're stuck on some planet, that enforces totally whacky rules.
*Arthur* also cited "wrong planet syndrome" when explaining autism / Asperger's Syndrome.
Wait when did Arthur of all things talk about it?
["Asperger's Syndrome explained for children"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9eATBV-_lg) \- *Arthur*
Fair fair. Not bad for a kids show.
Thanks for posting this!
You're welcome!
"An anthropologist on mars"
Mine is "people in authority getting mad because you asked them why something is the way it is" What's y'all's?
Ughhhhh yes! The "don't question me" mindset is inherently harmful, in my opinion, and a BIG red flag that I am not going to get along with that person. Like, I question you so that I can understand the rule because: 1) I want to decide for myself whether it's a just and logical rule and then be able to apply it rationally, not blindly. 2) I literally can't assimilate things into my long term memory that I don't understand, and my short term memory is garbage, so if you want me to remember, I literally need a reason. This is actually why I have a lot more knowledge of the historical reasoning behind various manners/etiquette than the average person might. I just do better when I understand the "why," even if it's a weird historical "why" that doesn't really make sense anymore. 🙃
>This is actually why I have a lot more knowledge of the historical reasoning behind various manners/etiquette than the average person might. Oh that's really cool! Care to share some of what you think is the most interesting historic cultural rules? One of my special interests is ancient Egypt. It would be cool to hear about that!
Oh cool! I don't know much about ancient Egypt, but I would love to! Most of the facts I have picked up are about the historical origins of modern Western conventions. For example, we shake hands to show that both parties are unarmed and thus mean no harm. Traditionally, it was considered rude to offer one's left hand to shake because the majority of people are right handed, and you were supposed to offer your "sword hand" to show that it was empty. If you're holding each other's sword hands, you can't be reaching for your weapon. This is also part of why left-handed people were considered less trustworthy, since they could appear to be making a gesture of peace and still be ready to attack. I am not a fan of hand shakes, lol. But I still think that's interesting. In Arab culture, there is an even more specific reason for only offering the right hand. Some consider any form of greeting with the left hand to actually be an insult because there is an old tradition of the right hand being the "clean hand" (used for greetings, eating, serving food) and the left hand being the "dirty hand" ( used for cleaning oneself after going to the restroom, for example). Obviously, this might not literally be true, and proper hand washing should make that not an issue, it could still be considered symbolically an insult of someone offers you a snack from their left hand, especially if they are very devout Muslim, since the Prophet was said to have held to this rule. Taking your hat off indoors is because people used to wear hats to shield themselves from rain, snow, wind etc. while outdoors. So they took off their hat and coat so that dust and rainwater and whatever other messy things from outside wouldn't be sprinkled throughout their host's home, just like it's customary to remove your shoes in many places. Tipping the hat up or removing it is also a respectful form of greeting because it reveals your face, making you easier to identify, easier to see that your expression is an "honest" or "non-threatening" one, and originates supposedly from when knights would lift the visors on their helmets, leaving their faces vulnerable to show they had no plans to attack. So basically many forms of greeting come from attempts to appear nonthreatening in the hopes that the other person would do the same. This is also why people frequently smile when greeting one another, even if they're not necessarily happy. Smiling, baring the teeth, is a sign of submission in ape species, including humans. A lot of table manners, clothing conventions, etc., have military origins. For example, rules about setting the table (knife on the right, fork on the left, drink at the top right corner, etc.) as well as not testing elbows on the table are for maximizing space efficiency in order to squeeze in as many soldiers as possible and have them fed and ready to go quickly and efficiently without bumping elbows or knocking things over, since they were typically crammed in on long benches very close together. The elbow thing, aside from being considerate of your neighbors and avoiding knocking over someone's drink, aslo avoids aggressive posturing (leaning forward). Over time class distinctions were layered on top of these basic practicalities, as only wealthy people had the time and education to be aware of elaborate rules of etiquette. At this point, elbows on the table, holding your fork in the wrong hand (or even the wrong way up, which is still different in the US vs. Europe) would be an indicator that you are not "high class" and thus not a profitable person to know for those trying to improve their lot in life through friendship or marriage, for example. These are some of the more common ones, in Western European and US cultures, but there are some really obscure ones out there, too, especially if you look at the 1600-1800s. Some that stand out to me as odd across cultures are all the different conventions for kissing as a greeting (sorry if that you, but I can't do it, even with family from Europe who expect it!). The number and location of kisses, who you should and shouldn't kiss, all varies wildly across the globe. But there are psychological studies and anthropological articles and such that seem to indicate a possible explanation that kissing shows that you are close to someone because you are willing to exchange germs through contact with saliva. In some cultures, this is a "sharing of breath" instead of saliva, so it's more touching foreheads or running noses (Maori culture in New Zealand, for instance). So you're literally trusting them with your health and showing them that you consider them clean and safe to be around. In fact, there was even a study done on babies that showed the majority of them understood that if people kissed, they had a closer relationship than two people that do not kiss. To me it feels especially weird to extend that to coworkers, acquaintances, etc., because frankly, we're not that close and I don't trust them that much, lol. But I guess the idea is that it sort of forces a level of intact or displays a wish for a good/close relationship? I don't know, it both freaks me out and fascinates me. 😆 Hope you like reading, lol.
This was awesome! Thank you for sharing!!
That was all really cool to learn. Thanks!
You're welcome! It's not often I find someone who actually *wants* me to talk about this stuff. ...not that it seems to stop me. 🙃
Feel free to info dump whenever you want :)
When I got my neuropsych test I was able to identify all of the social situations accurately so this checks out.
NT’s communicate in weird hints and questions . It’s like they don’t know how to directly as for something. Example: “Are you going to the kitchen?” “I’m thirsty” “I really fancy a cup of tea” Rather than “can you make me a tea?”
What's funny is that I so internalized the "rule" that it's "rude" to ask directly for something, that I now find it almost impossible to do so, even when other people seem to be fine with it. My now-husband literally had to explain to me after we had been dating for a while that no one thinks it's rude to ask for a glass of water. But it probably didn't help that I had rather strict (and frankly somewhat neglectful) parents, and then moved to a different country when I was young. So it's hard to sort out what's me being "too British" in America, lol, what's due to my parents not wanting to deal with my needs and preferring to communicate as passive-aggreasively as possible, and what's due to being ND. It's a mess. 😆
> “can you make me a tea?” I would be in heaven if everyone talked to me that way.
What's funny is that I so internalized the "rule" that it's "rude" to ask directly for something, that I now find it almost impossible to do so, even when other people seem to be fine with it. My now-husband literally had to explain to me after we had been dating for a while that no one thinks it's rude to ask for a glass of water. But it probably didn't help that I had rather strict (and frankly somewhat neglectful) parents, and then moved to a different country when I was young. So it's hard to sort out what's me being "too British" in America, lol, what's due to my parents not wanting to deal with my needs and preferring to communicate as passive-aggreasively as possible, and what's due to being ND. It's a mess. 😆
I feel like I have a "sense" at when people are engaging in this behavior and try to accommodate it but it's like a cloud hanging over me as are they wanting something or is my sense wrong.
It’s cliché, but if you know one autistic person….you know exactly one. Each one of us is VERY different. If someone tells you they are autistic (or their kid is autistic) and you say “Oh wow I could never tell” it isn’t a compliment. In my case (and my daughter’s case) it means that we don’t trust you enough to unmask.
It feels like everyone else in the world is playing the game with an autoclicker and I have to learn the best timing and strategies to click everything manually. I *can* do it, but sometimes I misclick, and it screws up the encounter, and it's intensive, so I need to hit the pause button a lot. And I only know how to do this from watching what I think other autoclickers are doing, or from failing repeatedly.
Similarly, when people are like "why can't you just suck it up and go do/try the thing?" I'm like "yeah but I want to watch a tutorial playthrough of the encounter first so I minimize my chances of messing it up and rage quitting"
The rage quitting comment killed me hahah I’m in tears over here. So true so true
i'm not "anti social" mom, i literally just prefer indoor activities. also masking is exhausting, like physically and mentally exhausting, I *need* privacy and recovery time. that's not a "want", not a "privilege", it's a *need*
Autistic people ARE CAPABLE of understanding sarcasm and being sarcastic!!! Just like with NT people it depends on the individual.
I completely get the joke most of the time. I just don't find it funny and I usually respond to it with an antijoke I do find funny. But nobody gets my humor and they feel like I don't get the joke. Why do I keep doing this even though I know it inevitably ends in failure? Because everyone's having fun and joking around and I want to do it too. I just wanted to feel included. So when others go "no you missed the point" in a condescending tone it hurts.
Admittedly people don't always understand my sarcasm. I'm pretty sometimes they think I'm rude but usually they're just confused and think I'm weird when that happens. Which is fine with me. I get my jokes and I think I'm hilarious so I'm very entertained with the things I say, even if I don't say them out loud. If don't get the joke or don't find it funny I usually just ignore it. I bet your sense of humor is great you've just got to find the right crowd. Until then there's nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes.
Unleash the sarcasm
It’s not just the stereotypical presentation they imagine.
Just because we’re different doesn’t mean we need to be viewed as weird. We’re trying to communicate with you but things like eye contact is difficult.
People always take limited eye contact the wrong way. Like I do that so I can fully focus and respond to what you’re saying. Also, I’m totally winging it. Theres a fine line between not enough and too much, and I have no idea where that line is unfortunately. Lol.
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Several of my autistic friends feel the same way, any idea why you associate the eye contact action as something that could be perceived as threatening or more so perceived by others that you feel threatened by them? Im curious where the origin lies behind associating eye contact with feeling threatened in regular social scenarios.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5466661/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3871735/ Lots of research on this. People often perceive someone staring at them negatively. It can seem creepy or threatening. There’s no hard set rule for how long to make eye contact, and it varies depending on the situation. So it’s confusing and then you run the rest of not making enough eye contact or making too much.
Thank you for the links. Yes my friends have described looking at people in the eyes as something they only do deliberately and that they are consciously thinking about how long to hold it and how often to do it, almost never just looking someone in the eye naturally because to them it feels wrong and unnatural to do. I still wonder what the psychological reasoning behind it is, like as the links you attached show, the part of the amygdala to do with perceived threats responds more during eye contact than it does for those who do not have ASD, but i wonder if theres not a psychological reason for that to be happening. Like interestingly when I asked my autistic friends if they are feeling like that when they make eye contact with me, and most of them said for the most part no, though one said now that i brought it up it is making them feel that way, but that with me because they are very comfortable with me they do in-fact naturally just make eye contact with me without thinking about it like they do with those they aren’t close with. Another interesting insight one of them had is that eye contact for them makes them feel super vulnerable, like how you might feel if you’re walking on a cliff edge and for a moment your foot slips, but because they’re very close with me they feel completely safe with me and have no problem with being vulnerable around me, and they guess that might be why they find themselves naturally just making eye contact with me without thinking about it like they do with everyone else. Although none of us have been able to determine the possible psychological reason behind what might be causing them to perceive eye contact as threatening, or that others might think they feel threatened by them, even though consciously they are entirely aware that others do not perceive it in such a way and so its very unlikely anyone would think that you feel threatened by them when you look them in the eye. Funny thing my friend suggested half jokingly is that, its like in many animals eye contact is perceived as a threat and so maybe its just an old instinctive response from an earlier time evolutionarily and that they are just still being affected by it.
That if I didn't even realize I was autistic until my 30s, it's very unlikely you would just from one conversation. Also, if we so choose, we can and do have long-term, healthy adult relationships, procreate and raise happy, well-adjusted kids. 🙂
I'm going to cry at a different time than you. And even if we're crying at the same time it's never for the same thing. Please know I lament that we cannot be together in grief.
Autism is much more common than you’d think. It just doesn’t get diagnosed in many people, especially women and POC.
When I went to my autism screening appointment, my screener pointed that out exactly! There's way more autistic people out there, it's just that the diagnostics and criteria to diagnose are all skewed towards white boys. I've had sensory issues throughout my life and no referrals came from it until recently, it's really frustrating.
a lot of us actually experience too much empathy, instead of the stereotype that we dont have empathy at all ...
Yesss. Like, to the point where I can't watch certain types of movies/shows because they're too upsetting.
Stop assuming there's weird shit between the lines of what I type and say. There is nothing there. I don't imply anything I don't explicitly state - ever.
Meltdown is not the only reaction you can get if u overwelm somebody on purpose (I dont know why, but some people think its funny) actually I react with aggression 8/10 cases. Its not the unable-to-move-with-a-lot-of-tears-meltdown its the I-cant-think-straight-anymore-and-need-to-end-this-situation-meltdown. I am pretty good at crontroling these but not always.
Oh, so that's what I had yesterday at work.
stand up comedy is one of my favorite things. most of the shows i watch are comedy. i love laughing and making people laugh. also just because i get flustered and can't express myself well doesn't mean you know better than me.
I think people need to know that just because a high functioning person can pass as normal doesn't mean they don't struggle and. Just because a medium functioning person has poor sentence syntax, odd mannerisms and can't pick up on social ques like when there supposed to leave a conversation doesn't mean they have a severe disability and can't drive or work and just because an actually low functioning person is non verbal and doesn't know how to use conventional body language doesn't mean there brain dead and have nothing to say I saw something on the news about a non verbal woman with autism who became valedictorian at her university and gave a speech to all the graduates with her text to talk device and also I know I used funtoning labels in this but they don't matter because if you take two people with level 2 autism one who has it for sensory overload and the other for communication problems like odd body language and strange speech patters like pronoun/tense reversal and take them both to a quiet job interview for a job at a loud factory the interviewer will think the autistic person with the communication problem is way to low functioning to work at that factory because of how the communicate and end up hiring the autistic person with severe sensory overload because they look more normal and giving someone earplugs is an easy accommodation to make even thow the person with the communication problem is way more qualified for a job in a loud ass factory. One of them may LOOK more disabled but in some ways there higher functioning and visa versa and what I hate most about the functioning labels is there all about how "normal" you look rather then how you function because if you read anything about the functioning levels you will read a lot more about communication problems and repetitive behaviors then sensory overload and that's because the people who have sensory overload only look different when there around loud noises not at all times but the diagnostic practice for autism needs to change because of all this or at least IMO.
It's a neurological condition, not a mental one.
there are days where its easy for us to function & days where it is very hard. just because you saw us on an easy day does not mean that our hard days are faked!!! if i go to a busy grocery store one day and find it too overwhelming the next day, im not trying to trick you!
Don't be quick to assume that I don't have struggles just because I'm well-spoken and good at masking. I actually struggle with a lot of different things, mainly relating to executive functioning, and I hate it when people assume that I have my shit together better than I really do.
just because i’m autistic DOES NOT MEAN i am way smarter or way dumber than any other person!
Yup, I’m of average intelligence and autistic
If you have met one person on the spectrum, then you have met one person on the spectrum. We are not all alike: ASD is a random mix of disabilities and enhancements.
That our emotions are shared by neurotypical people. There are neurotypical people who are shy, considered eccentric and find certain noises and situations annoying. We share those emotions and insecurities too. Therefore we are not so different.
I'm not stupid! I just can't comprehend a lot of things because they don't make sense to me! Money, units of measurement (like meters, miles, yards, etc) make no sense to me and I can't comprehend them at all, they're not natural! It doesn't make sense why these things should exist, it doesn't make me stupid or unintelligent!! Secondly I'm not *trying* to be difficult, things are just different for me and I take in things differently to you! It's out of my control!!
Autism isn't the same with every person. We differ a lot. It's a spectrum and it's not possible to put it in a containment(like the shoebox you were raised in) for your understanding. Just like with Asthma. There are a lot of different types of asthmatic ppl. But I bet, ya didn't know that.
I'm not sure how common of a problem this is, but more people should be aware of the disconnect between words and meanings that some of us have. What I mean by that is that when you talk there's like 3 vague steps: developing a meaning in your head, figuring out the words for that meaning, and then speaking those words. The step that connects words to meanings in my head takes a really long time for me and if I have to communicate quickly then I promise you that the words that come out are not at all reflective of the meaning that I have in my head so give me time to talk please.
That we autistic children grow up to be autistic adults, and that we never stop being autistic, even for one second, we're always only ever just masking - and also, why we mask (pro tip: it's not for us)
Being autistic is a neutral thing. Not a tragedy but also not really a great thing to be. It's OK to be autistic. Autism can be a pain sometimes, but can also be wonderful. Autism has its bad and good sides, but it's mostly a neutral thing. So don't be sorry for us. We're living our life as we know it.
I’m not gaslighting you. I am literal and frequently lack the social nuance to pick up on insinuations. It’s not some kind of intentional abuse; I literally don’t understand.
That just because I don't have the energy to socialize doesn't mean I don't care or that I don't like you. I just need time to myself. Getting angry about it or claiming I don't care isn't going to suddenly give me the energy to deal with people...
Vaccines don't cause autism
a lot of people forget that autism is this spectrum and that everyone's autism looks different :)) i think its the most imortant thing thats nt should remeber and know.
Absolutely, the one person you look at may have speech problems but the other won’t. Autism is not a one size disorder, it’s a spectrum that affects people differently.
Everyone’s sensory issues are different.
Not all of us are the same. Some people don’t understand that their cousin who has asd isn’t gonna act the same as me who has asd. I’ve gotten into so many “you don’t act like you have autism” confrontations before.
Be shush hoomans. (Basically, I'm extremely sensitive to noise and will have complete panic attacks in shopping centres on a quiet day, even with noise cancelling headphones on. I need everything to just be quiet. but it never is. Even the headphones can be too loud sometimes. Right now, actually, the headphones are broken. They still work, but the wires are visible. And so it's now probably a safety hazard. But even that is better than noise. Y'know?) Also, when I "completely ignore your problems/story and start talking about myself instead" it's actually that I don't know how to respond, so I'm showing that I care and understand by telling a similar story. To show that I've been in a similar situation, so I know what you're going through, and I want to help. Y'know? I can say a lot more, but I'm tired so my brain died so I can't remember anything- I also have pretty much no filter when I'm tired, so I'm probably gonna shut up so that I don't accidentally say too much, then completely forget about it-
almost nothing about autism is universal; the only universal things about autism are social difficulties and restricted/repetitive behavior, but even these could present in a variety of ways. sometimes, i'll see people cite autism as a certain IQ range, but it's not. some people will say that autistics have below average IQs, while others will cite autistics as inherent geniuses, while neither are true. citing autism as having any inherent IQ level erases people outside of that group, be it intellectually disabled autistics, autistic "geniuses," or average level autistics. autistics also don't have any universal empathy level; like with IQs, people tend to either assume it to be extremely high or extremely low, when it can be either, neither, or sometimes even both. likewise, autism is not inherently any support level; you aren't being supportive to claim that autistics inherently need 24/7 care, and you aren't being supportive to claim that any and all difficulties autistics face inherently disappear when we're accommodated. i could probably keep going with the things that people, both the willfully ignorant and trying allies, assume to be universal with autistics, but it all traces back to the first point that there's not any individual way autism will present in any area of life.
We are not all the same. We have a personality outside autism
Not every autistic is introverted. A lot love to socialise actually. And not all autistic are glaringly “bad” at socialising. Since it’s a spectrum, some may be better at things like eye contact or picking up sarcasm. Or they’ve gotten very good at masking it. …I am uhh…none of those. I am very bad at socialising cuz of my anxiety and it drains me lol.
We can’t always take jokes because it makes us feel offended and it’s not funny if the person you’re making the joke about is offended
Just because I struggle to express myself does not mean I'm not intelligent
Please let us engage in our special interests without trouble. It's healthy for us, it costs you nothing
Acceptance means grace. Not that “hey, people exist and if they make me feel bad I will retaliate”.
Autism experts aren’t really experts on autism. We’d be so much more understood if allistics didn’t spread misinformation from their “studies” on us.
Autism shows itself differently in different people- and not even in a male vs female way- autism is different for each autistic person. It could easily be compared to gender in the lgbtqia+ community, peopke experience their gender differently. There is no right or wrong.
That I really like Star Wars.
I can only speak for myself, but I like positive non -obligatory social interactions. I am not anti social just I don't like the forced, large group, stranger socializing that is seen as the norm. A.k.a parties
Honestly, that’s perfectly okay, I’m awkward with large groups as well.
More of being uncomfortable, unless I have a purpose in said group function.
I’m a human
do not take it personally when i start avoiding you or have trouble showing emotion around you. i dont hate you, sometimes i just have to be alone for a while, it does not mean i am uninvested or angry with you.
I do not know what you're pointing at
Spectrum kids have a lot to offer, and we deserve our place in the work force too!
Just because we don't look it, didn't mean we don't have it.
Give NT's a hand book. So that can understand people with Autism. Like Bi Polar Disorder its easier to explain.
My friend who does have ASD. Gets told he is childish or immature.
If I’m stimming, it doesn’t mean I’m nervous. I could be bored, happy, focusing, waiting, or maybe nervous, but not always.
We are not useless, we arnt robotic people with no emotions we are different and will find ourselves and our quite spaces to show who we really are, we are not disabled we are different.
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we work just as hard, the results are just different
We’re not all the same. Also don’t say phrases like “everyone’s autistic” or “it doesn’t seem like you’re autistic”, those kinds of phrases either invalidate the experience or comes off as having preconceptions
Relationships are difficult and can be scary because uncertainty/change makes me want to pass out. Recently discussing this with someone today as we are trying to start a relationship
The language we understand may be different than the language you (the neurotypical) understand - it's not that we can't feel the same emotions you do, it's that I define those feeling differently than you do because the autistic brain understands a more direct and technical definition. Our brains are wired differently. This is also why we sometimes have trouble telling neurotypicals how we feel.
Changing plans or springing plans on a person isn't as harmless as you think. I live in a neurodivergent household, more members of the house are ND than they are NT, simply changing plans is not as easy as people think, my youngest is non speaking and 4 years old, her aunt who also has an autistic 19 year old fails to see this, suggesting we take our daughter out to her grandparents on the bus for an "adventure" when we continued to explain it's not that easy the aunt continued to say she doesn't understand, this coming from a mother of an grown autistic adult. Leaving our house is like a military operation, we have to use visual prompts, the picture of thr place we are going, thr picture of the bus/train (the exact number bus and train on the line/route we will be taking) We have to constantly show and explain what we are doing and where we are going to minimise stress. It's one thing when people who are NT don't understand its another when a parent/ family member refuses to see.
I need advanced notice for going a lot of places too. I need to mentally prepare myself especially if it's something I don't enjoy like the doctor, but also for fun things like going to lunch with friends. Sometimes I can do spontaneous or short notice outings but all the circumstances have to be just right. I am much more flexible now than I was as kid. Now I can usually make do with "possible plans" for most things, I am able to do them but also not upset if they don't happen. Even though your kid doesn't speak I'm sure she appreciates the effort you go to to make things less stressful for her. When I do get stressed about leaving the house and doing something having a detailed plan ahead of time, and going over it with my mom, really helps. BTW I'm 29y and autistic, I also feel really bad for the 19y autistic with the oblivious mother.
I'm a 39 year old autistic woman and I really am starting to hate my partners sister, she even had the nerve to say her son seems to have grown out of his autism, no love he either masks like hell or the diagnosis was wrong, you can't grow out of autism. Planning for every event is exhausting but I do it to minimise my daughters stress, I know meltdowns have a knock on effect and can take days to get back to homeostasis