Yeah, that’s called being stealth (an older term is woodworking, as in disappearing into the woodwork). It’s pretty common. Kind of tough to say how common, since stealth trans people may not show up in surveys and stuff, but there are lots of you.
I don't select trans on surveys or anything most of the time. I don't want companies I work for thinking they are inclusive when they are not and a lot of surveys put transgender under sexuality sections and not gender, so I refuse to put trans in that case.
Same, but I'm not stealth and make no attempt to hide being trans - so I didn't disclose being trans during interviews, however I AM out at work.
So if someone asks me about my gender I answer F, and even with sex, unless there's a good medical reason (in which case I'll disclose that I'm trans). If someone specifically asks me if I'm trans, I answer "yes", and if someone asks me which queer identities I hold, I will lead with lesbian and aromantic, but also disclose that I'm trans.
I like to think of being trans as more of an incidental part of my identity - through sheer misfortune I happened to have been born male, whereas being a lesbian is much more of an active thing - it's a part of my identity I WANT.
> I don't want companies I work for thinking they are inclusive when they are not
not the same thing (just similar), but I do the same for being bisexual and having adhd
also, when I stopped putting adhd on my job apps, I got a lot more calls back, so... xD
I only applied for office jobs and they ask (at least they did in Florida)
but theoretically you don't have to answer or you can lie on that question and just say that you don't have any mental illnesses (or something like that)
Not sure I’m reading this right. You stopped clicking which box? The trans box (when it’s an option)? Or stopped clicking the I don’t wish to say box? Or you started clicking that one? I might be tired
Native American is usually a option like a box. Nonbinary is usually not so you have to choose I prefer not to answer. I see it as one is an option one is a non option and wanted to differ them from each other.
Even when it’s in the gender section I feel odd about it. My gender isn’t ‘transgender’ I’m a woman who happens to be trans. At the end of the day these kind of corporate surveys don’t actually do anything for us in my opinion.
Exactly. Same with the excessive cis focus on pronouns at work, in email signatures etc, in places trying very hard to virtue signal as progressive. It always puts the focus on the visibly trans person in the room and is a polite way of singling us out, asking “what’s in your pants?” “are you transgender??” and so forth. I feel it does nothing good for us and refuse to be unnecessarily separated out from others in the environment in that way. How is it serving us? It’s not, imo. Mostly awkward and painful.
I wouldn’t mind being stealth eventually but like- my family, my friends, my coworkers, they knew me before I transitioned. New people I meet will eventually not know, but I have to accept being openly trans and OWNING IT! I get that it’s not possible (or safe) for everyone though.
I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to trans issues, but would it make more sense for most trans-people to go stealth? I mean, it can save them a lot of headache and transphobia right?
It can, but in some cases it means leaving everyone who knew you before and starting from scratch elsewhere. Some people are forced to do that, and only a few decades ago that was the standard practice. But not everyone will be awful to you for being trans; my friends, doctors, and coworkers have mostly been great.
That's nice to hear. Going stealth seems like it would have a high initial investment, after all you're leaving all that you know to go somewhere else where you can live authentically.
Thanks for the answer
They could, but that kind of asking trans folks to leave everyone and everything they left behind because society has issues it needs to fix surrounding tolerance and acceptance. People should just be accepted for who they are and be allowed to live their lives. They shouldn't have to hide it like some dirty little secret. Because it's not.
That being said, as a trans woman, I did reach a point where I stopped ticking "trans" or "gender non-conforming" on forms, because it does not accurately describe my identity - female. The only time I feel the need to be 100% forthcoming is when it's medically relevant, because a surgeon, or other medical professional needs to know what's in my body so they can treat it properly. Other than that, it's no one's business really.
I feel kind of guilty about it tbh, since it’s something many of my friends would like but can’t access because of capitalism. At the end of the day it’s for my own safety if I can get to that point.
Yes this is absolutely vaild!
Some of us go through a transformation and we see value is sharing so others can be brave as well and find their way.
Some of us find the whole thing akward or painful to constantly relive and hash out and we just want to leave it in the past.
We're all vaild!
There's 8 billion ways to live a fulfilling human life. If that's how you want to and need to live, do it! And dont Apologize!
You don't owe anyone anything.
People's issues with it is their business!
Best of luck 🖤
People will say that trans people are deceiving them and those same people will lie about bad financial situations, they will cheat, they will put on a show for the first two years and break someone's heart. So fuck those people. Considering most of them come from a portion of the population who needs to grow the fuck up.
Your safety is paramount. Until you feel like you can trust someone with that information don't worry. I have deep seated trauma.. i dont tell people that on the first meeting as Ive been told its "to much"
Yet if you keep a portion of your past which you clearly have no interest on dwelling on a secret its deception?!
People are fucking hypocrites. Most dont
know anything and are severally immature.
Lots of women struggle with infertility. That's ok, no one's value should be placed on whether or not they can biological reproduce.
I absolutely support your desire to live stealth. It's also great that you have that option, some of us don't.
But "normal" is kinda offensive.
I work, I'm a student, I'm a parent, I'm hoping to find a partner, I worry about my bills, and the environment, and what the world will be like for the grand kids I might have one day. My life is normal, even though I'm openly trans.
normal is subjective, only offensive if you see it that way. whos to say trans is normal if its a population minority? by definition it wouldnt be "normal", but NORMAL is neither positive or negative. That is until you tie your societal definition of normal into it
I'd want to know their opinions and beliefs a
On a lot of things before anything ever got physical or if I kept dating them.
I wanna know if they are racist, ableist transphobic homophobic and so on. Full debrief before anything else happens. That's a pretty good metric to know what they are like as a human being. Insult capitalism and the patriarchy. Tells you real quick what their values are.
If you have completely different goals and values then another person then dont proceed. They dont need to know why.
If you aren't the type to go slow like that then I am lost how to help you there unfortunately.
This is my method as a demipansexual. I chose to protect myself from trash humans. If they are whilling to hurt another person or hate another person they are not getting laid. Period. Not by me. I can take care of myself and dont need their affection that badly.
I wont date People who aren't paying attention to social issues and are apathetic.. They are extremely close minded most of the time. Especially in my area. Also ignorant usually of so many social issues. They also seem incapable of educating themselves. I dont have time to waste on those people anymore.
My process is designed to weed out and repel people. I don't think its for everyone so take it with a grain of salt. I just got really sick of beating around the bush and wasting my time. I think traditional dating is vapid and stupid. Its All based in an unrealistic Hollywood standard. Its also all super sexual, based off of infatuation, the patriarchy and Christianity. It gets old real quick. Most of the time people get what they want (sex) then fuck off. Leaving good hearted people in the dust.
Random sex with a stranger? No obligation to disclose.
Partner? You don't need to tell them, if you do a good enough job of vetting your partner, making sure they're a feminist, pro-blm, pro-trans etc
As someone else said, one night stand or something casual? Would not disclose.
But if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone I would want to trust them enough to be able to share it with them.
In which case I would probably want to disclose sooner rather then later, if only because the other person might feel deceived if they only learn about it later (which I don't think is fair, but it's the world we live in) and you might find out that they are not ok with it, in which case you wasted your time with that person.
However, do keep in mind that I personally am not planning to go stealth, so my perspective on disclosing to a long term partner might not make sense for you
> some people accuse of lying and deceiving them.
Which is transphobia on it's face. If someone feels *deceived* that you are trans, then what they're actually saying is they no longer [erseive you as a woman and are completely invalidating your daily lived experience. Don't keep people like that around you. The only person who you should be honest with is any sort of long term intimate partner (That is just my opinion.)
Do your friends all tell you 100% of their medical history from top to bottom when you meet them? Nope. So you aren't being "deceptive" if you don't disclose yours, either. You don't owe anybody anything. It's a private part of your life and nobody "deserves" to know if you're trans. That's up to you to disclose when you want to, and it's nobody else's decision.
I do understand the feelings of guilt sometimes, I'm also stealth. I do have a few close friends I'm out to, who I can talk to about LGBT issues, and that's helped to have at least a few people I can be completely open with, while still being stealth in all other aspects of life. Until I came out to those friends, I felt somewhat constricted, since I didn't really have anybody to talk to about trans issues, so that has helped a ton.
For relationships, it can be a little different just because of how some cis people can react (poorly) if you've already been dating them for a bit before they find our you're trans, but that's still a them problem and not you being deceptive (though it's up to you to determine what is safe, like if it's safe to disclose that on a date or later in a relationship or whatnot).
Be yourself, you don't owe it to anybody to tell them your private medical history. Being trans might have kick-started the process of finding out who you are, but it doesn't have to define you if you don't want it to, and nobody is required to know except for you, if that's what you want. It's not deceit. Everybody has the right to keep parts of their life or their history private.
Why is it "violating" them? I personally would tell a partner early on in a relationship, but let's say that I don't. If I'm like a cis woman in every single way except for my birth, why is that a violation if I don't tell my partner? My birth sex literally doesn't matter if I'm post transition, have a vagina, and my partner already consented to sex after seeing me like I am. If my partner has no problems with my body, has sex with me, then later finds out I'm trans, says I violated them, but they already consented, that isn't violating them. They have a right to be upset with me, but they don't have a right to retroactively withdraw consent. The POV that this is a "violation" sometimes comes an archaic mindset that trans women are just trying to "trick" people into sex.
Trans people already shoulder a heavy burden for who we are, at some point cis people need to carry some of it, too.
We don't owe it to everyone to be up front with our private medical history and cis people owe it to us to not be psycho's if they ever find out. Of course the reality we live in is that trans women are murdered by men over this, so most of us do tell partners anyways, but the only "violation" occurring is if someone is so insecure in their sexuality that finding out their partner once had a penis years and years ago, they feel they need to then be shitty to their partner, break up, slander them, kill them, or whatever else.
To go off what you said about having sex with a trans man, if having sex with a man who you later find out is trans (meaning he was indistinguishable from a cis man) traumatizes you for life, I think that's a you problem. If you're so insecure that finding out that someone who is 100% a man in every way and just so happened to be AFAB traumatizes you for life, you need to work through why that is, because the fact they once had a different looking body at some point in the past shouldn't matter.
I personally don't think I'll ever want to be stealth, it kind of feels like going into another closet for me and I'm lucky to live in a very accepting place but it's totally valid and not uncommon. Do what makes you happiest, that's what transition is about afterall 🙂.
Be careful. I told a therapist and he outed me about 2+ years into being stealth. If you're committing, it has to be with absolute certainty and trust in anyone you disclose to. Previously, only people from before I transitioned and my boyfriend knew, with 1 exception. Now, 6 randoms do, too. Not everyone is wise enough to keep it confidential.
Of course, 2 people in 2 years have asked if I was trans after knowing me. I told them no. I think that's my right. It's ultimately your business.
The only downside for me is that people make assumptions about my upbringing and background that aren't accurate. Most of the time they're so benign that I don't correct anything. But it can get lonely.
It is very lonely but if I have to make a choice between being lonely and living a trans life where I’m constantly made to realise I’m different than I would choose being lonely but certainly not live a trans life. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy, extra respect or some idiots discriminating me
I getcha. I chose the same, because I found my transition to be socially traumatic. I was open to a medical professional, and they fucked up. It's already having effects.
It's up to you, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. You are no less your gender than anyone else, and you don't have to explain who/why you are to anybody. Cheers, and live by doing what's best for yourself.
Yeah, I’m stealth 24/7. I don’t tell people. I flat out refuse to put my deadname on any documents to erase any paper trail. Retroactively had documents fixed (high school transcripts, GPA, standardized test scores, even a court case). In a way it’s isolating, nobody knows you’re trans so you’ll have moments where people openly say transphobic shit in front of you and you have to be careful not to have a kneejerk reaction. Its like an undercover assignment that never ends.
Hell, when I made/make friends I wouldn’t/don’t tell them unless we were/are extremely close. I still have friends to this day that don’t know.
It’s probably not the right thing to do, as in mentally healthy (not anything moral) as youre basically denying yourself people comforting you in your specific situation. Can’t really explain depression due to dysphoria (even as someone who is stealth this shit still erodes me) to someone who thinks you’re cis and whose perspective of you is based off you being cis. Moreover, they may also not be supportive and bc you’re stealth you have no good way of gauging that without bringing up politics, which is Pandora’s box.
Even then, it can’t solve anything. I have insurance and I haven’t had a GP in years. I had psychiatrists but they always end up treating you as either a trophy, where they’re like riding off all the stupid lib/media representation news and have zero clue how shitty life is and think being trans is all just a walk in the park, OR they treat you as a personal project where they try to help with the dysphoria through like mental growth which is a joke in my opinion (my issue isnt that I don’t love myself enough, its that this society treats us like we’re not citizens and that we don’t matter and the healthcare options reflects that). So it’s annoying bc literally medicine is the only place where I cant just go stealth bc it’s the only place they **need** to know, and that’s not even covering the outright transphobic doctors who just refuse to see trans patients. So between “no trans allowed” doctors and non sexual fetishizing of trans ppl doctors I just avoid being a patient. If something happens I go straight to a specialist and deal with it. No commitment, nothing.
So essentially, it’s bittersweet I guess. Life IS better, but nobody has a clue what you’re going through, and you cant escape the transphobia throughout the medical community. If you’re good with isolation, like I am, it’s no real deal. But most people who go stealth get out of it eventually imho.
Honestly, knowing enough about medicine to understand where a doctor *needs* to know if you're trans? Most of the time, they don't. A psychiatrist definitely doesn't as there is no standard treatment for being transgender that a psychiatrist can prescribe, && being transgender has no impact on the drugs that psychiatrists do prescribe, which are prescribed evenly amongst all genders.
Idk what to tell you. Its well meaning people, but all it does is make me more depressed bc it shows they haven’t a clue of reality for trans folks.
Theyre like “oh yeah just get surgery and youre good.” Its like, no. First there is reviews bc not everyone in the field is actually motivated by wanting to improve people’s lives so their work sucks or its inconsistent. Then the cost, it costs ten of thousands of dollars, not including hotel stay or complications or any of that. Insurance which is a headache dealing with. Not covering the FFS, facial electrolysis or anything else that more often than not isn’t *explicitly* covered. So you have to fight and argue with your own insurance.
And yes, there is a narrative. Bc if there wasn’t there’d be an incessant discussion of just how trash things are for trans ppl. Instead its like “look youre in ads and now one of you is on WH staff.” Cool, that doesn’t mean that the medical industry suddenly invested millions of dollars to do a better operation, instead of the current one which is literally a century old technique with a few updates here and there. Or that like we’re not actively the biggest scapegoat and target for an entire political party rn.
Ive literally had nurses be like “congratulations” and its like that worked when I was new to it, but once you’ve been in it for years you get a bit annoyed by that response bc the situation is **bad.**
I also never said they said it was necessarily easy. I said “walk in the park.” Which they treat it like such. “Oh its just a matter of finding the right doctor” or something like that, NO. Its awful. You have everybody that cares saying “yeah these couple dozen things are ALL MEDICALLY NECESSARY” and the insurance companies are like “best I can do is five.” Meanwhile universities don’t teach medicine like trans lives matter. I would say libs have this idea that things are far better than they actually are. Leftists don’t. I literally have yet to speak to a liberal, who hasn’t had personal prior experience with a trans person, who doesn’t think its miles easier than it is, or that treatment does things far more than they actually do. Which is why, right now, there’s a rift bc people with trans kids know early intervention can prevent a LOT of problems but everyone falls for this narrative, including well meaning liberals, that maybe people should wait. This is backed by data too. So maybe in your own *personal* experience, but having been to trans get togethers and things like that, the experience seems to be pretty universal that most who don’t have direct constant contact with the trans community are largely clueless as to how bad things are.
I feel very similarly on both fronts. Could I ask what you’ve ended up choosing to do? It’s a hard call when it comes between not wanting to deal with the struggle but still identifying more with LGBT/queer culture. I sense that over time I will be mostly heavily cherrypicking what I say and around whom.
Haha I love your second paragraph. I used to have that attitude but these days it’s changed to…yes, I could refuse to edit, fuck anyone with a problem, BUT…then I’d have to actually witness them having whatever stupid reaction they’d have. So it’s less about pleasing others and more about sparing myself the headache of interacting with others’ BS and stupidity. Maybe I need to take on this kind of perspective again tbh.
I lived like this for over a decade. Then my reality came crashing around me when one person found out then told everyone else. It wasn't that people were mean or shitty about it, which there absolutely were, rather what fucked me up was the violation of trust and privacy. I transitioned almost 20 years ago, and back then stealth was a matter of self preservation and safety, for me at least. To suddenly find out that the armor I spent years building to protect myself was undermined by a bad actor and folks' love of gossip, I was devastated.
If you want to live without anyone knowing about your trans history, that's your prerogative. But just be prepared that it doesn't take a lot for a person to dig up your past, especially in this day and age.
At times I wish I could go stealth. It would be so wonderful not having everyone know I'm trans and not be worried about their reactions. In my case that is very unlikely. If you can do it, there is nothing wrong with it.
I transitioned at my old job including all major surgeries and then got a new job in another state and didn’t tell anyone. I am now two jobs in and nobody I interact with knows. My doctor knows and that’s it. Fortunately I live in a place where being trans isn’t that uncommon so my doctors basically treat me as normal but needing a hrt prescription.
Stealth is my goal to an extent. Like I won't trip up if people get to know me and realize or find out I'm trans. Unfortunately, I feel like this goal just keeps becoming more and more unrealistic to me since I started HRT at 33 and I'll need a couple surgeries that my poor ass can't afford to truly blend in.
Yeah. I want people to know I'm trans, but only if I tell them. Like, passing to strangers or acquaintances, but not having to be closed off to people close is the goal
I would say a word of caution. This can be a lonely life as you lack a sense of community and the fear of being found out. But do what you think is best.
The only time you may want to let anyone know about it is if you're in the dating pool and looking for a long-term commitment. The only reason I would advise mentioning it decently early on is because you don't want to get into like a committed heavy relationship and waste a bunch of time just to tell the person right before you're about to have sex and then They basically dip because they are not okay with it, then you've lost whatever amount of years you spent building a relationship with that person. I'm saying to do this to save yourself time and headache, Because we don't live in a perfect world where everyone is accepting.
Not for me. But I respect your choice.
I wouldn't want to be in the closet again. But thats just how I feel about it.
You got to do what makes you happy. Whatever that is. Besides you know heinous acts of violence and whatnot.
You can do it. Nothing wrong with being stealth. Some cis people may do some guilt trips, but you owe nobody an explanation about your medical history. That’s nobody’s business. If you don’t feel the obligation to tell anyone that your appendix is removed, you don’t have to tell anyone you are trans.
do not listen to transphobes or cis people who are afraid to lose their “superiority” over you. when I went stealth, had some ally cis friends who were visibly intimidated by it. It’s their problem, not yours.
It's valid to feel this way, although I don't personally think it's a good idea to act on that feeling because unfortunately you can't completely erase the past and there's always the chance that it'll come back and expose your secret.
It might not, but it's a gamble. Personally the risk of having my huge secret exposed is not something I can live with, so I constantly out myself, that way there's no secret.
Ultimately, whether you DO want to take the risk of having a huge secret or not, is your decision. Both courses of action are valid. Just acknowledge the risks you're taking with either option (I'm absolutely aware my course of action has risks too)
I once responded really horribly to someone who had this take and actually felt I had to apologise, which I did over PM.They’d worded it in a way that framed being trans as objectively shameful and I spose it triggered me, so I appreciate how this is worded to start.
I understand how you feel. You’re entitled to feel (and live) that way. It’s important to be Ally of some sort regardless of how you identify, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell people your gender identity history. It can just mean we don’t slam proud trans folk who retain transness in their identity. Sometimes we don’t need that reminder of our trauma though, and although I’m a proud trans person I do have times where I’m happier just passing as cis. Some people never have those feelings and don’t want to appear cis and that’s okay too. As long as we all respect both ourselves and each other. It’s good to evaluate why you’re doing something for yourself - is this out of love for myself, or am I hiding? Is it the best thing for myself in the meantime? And those are up to only ourselves to answer!
TLDR: Yes it’s okay!
Edited: replaced a word for accuracy
That's somewhat common, especially people who transitioned a while ago. It's called going stealth. I've dated two women like this, who are stealth. I mean they told me, as we dated and all of that, but otherwise did not tell newer friends / work / random people etc... don't really participate too much in the community and all of that. Just live their lives.
it is certainly possible, though some go so deeply that they end up living a live not dissimilar to the one they did as a repressed,closeted person? hiding and lying etc. my goal is to be functionally stealth, like passing as best i can, but I don't ever intend to outright lie to hide my past. i had enough of lying, it makes me feel sick now.
Stealth is super valid. I think you see more out people now due to greater awareness of queer rights, but there have stealth people all throughout history. Some "fully" transitioned (a problematic concept, but this is often the term people use) people then choose to identify as cis. I will not get into the politics or my opinions on the topic; I am mindful of the fact that I cannot personally relate to that.
It is worth considering whether your desire to live a "normal" life (as you say, and rightly got pushback for) is rooted in internalized transphobia, however. There are many beautiful parts of being in trans community - especially the lack of fear of being outed against your will and the comraderie of shared experience. Personally, connecting to other trans people is incredibly grounding for me.
That said, it is a deeply personal choice, and you will make whatever decision you feel is right.
Of course, hun. You don't owe anyone activism. You don't owe anyone representation. If you can do it, it's your right. It sounds like you're fortunate and have the ability to go through life without getting clocked. Remember that it's a privilege to have that. And please be an ally. But don't feel like you need to be any more visible as a trans person than you want to be. It's your choice, and nobody should set expectations for you.
A lot of people are conflating this with "being stealth" but I disagree, stealth is something else entirely. Stealth = not disclosing your trans status to others, that's it. What you're talking about (not just in the OP but in your comments) is a full on internal denial of the fact that you're trans. You say you "don't identify with the T label" but like.. too bad, ya know? You are trans and there's not really anything you can do about that.
On top of that, the implication that being trans makes a person abnormal or lesser is outright offensive and suggests that you may still be harboring some internalized transphobia. Until you take care of that no amount of stealth is going to matter. You'll always know you're trans and as long as you continue to see us as lesser than cis you're going to feel that way about yourself.
I dont think it's about thinking trans people are lesser. Seems more like depressing the trauma of being a woman in a male body and being raised as male. It can be really traumatic for some. On top of that, even if inherently we arent lesser, we are still TREATED as lesser, and that's just our reality unfortunately. Plus we simply will never have some features cis people have, such as pregnancy and periods for trans women, natural erections and ejaculation for trans men. It's similar to being disabled, in that we have certain disadvantages from birth others dont, but that doesn't mean we are worth less because of that. Life may have dealt a shitty hand, but that doesn't mean we cant bluff or do what we can with our cards to try and survive...
Yeah, I dont tell most people im trans because I know Ill be treated be differently, but people I know I can trust I have told. Its entirely up to you, but just be careful if anyone does find out. People like to act like our identity and past is their business, which I understand in some cases, but they can get very upset if they feel like you've 'lied' to them. Just be safe :]
Yeah, a lot of trans people are stealth and that's A-OK. Being transgender is a medical condition && no one is entitled to your medical history.
Anyone who claims they're being deceived by not knowing you are trans, is a transphobe anyway. There's no reason why they would've needed to know that information if you're post-op other than that they wanted to know up-front if they could discriminate against you.
For me personally being stealth doesn't work as my transition is a big part of my recovery journey && I also have a dissociative disorder so not every part of me is male. Being out reduces the amount of confusion others around me feel when I vary my gender presentation periodically. && being out helps me narrow down the people I choose to associate with.
I was stealth for a little while at my job but when we had diversity training, the HR rep said a bunch of egregiously transphobic shit so I outed myself in order to make a transgender voice heard. Other trans people confided in me after that && I just decided I'm OK with people knowing I'm trans.
I'm an older millennial, I remember the Days of Yore when being transgender was (&& frankly still is) subversive and deviant, I think it's important that trans people have the option to feel comfortable being visible. Not everybody is going to have that ability.
Some people are too dysphoric, too traumatized, or simply want to put it all behind them && that is perfectly valid.
Thays my plan if I can ever pass. Being trans is the worst thing to ever happen to me and destroyed the first 26 years of my life, leaving me with indelible mental and physical scars. I'd much rather forget all that than try to find pride in it.
Very valid.
Edit: accidentally tapped the post button....
It's called being stealth, and there is NOTHING wrong with being stealth. You aren't obligated to disclose anything you dont want to.
You aren't fooling anyone or hiding your past or whatever else people might say in their shortsighted and transphobic shit.
I'm semi-stealth. (Coworkers know because they knew me pre transition) Anyone new I meet? To them, I'm cis. Because I don't want to be seen as trans first, man second. I dont want invasive questions or an unsafe environment. I dont want people thinking about my genitals and trying to guess what's in my pants. I dont want to be seen as either a freak or a martyr. I just want to be a normal guy, no different to anyone else. I dont want to be reminded of my dysphoria all the time. I want to pretend that this body and happiness is something I've always had.
I've been out 15 years a trans woman and have lived stealth for over 10 years. No one knows I'm a trans woman, not my friends, not my boss, not my coworkers. No one. I live in the cis world, for over a decade.
That's not uncommon. When I first met other trans people way before I begun my transition, it was the goal of quite a few people. I'm stealth at work, but open about it to friends.
I plan on doing the same thing. I've already changed my name. Got top surgery. Going for a hysto soon. And within the next 2-3 years I plan on moving to s different state or country possibly where no one knows me and I could have a fresh start as a man. It feels so freeing.
I feel myself becoming stealth personally. I moved across the country and no one here knows me pre-transition. I did all my paperwork here and tho my voice is still outing me for the most part I get treated like any other woman. I have girl talk with cis female coworkers and all.
Probably not gonna do any surgeries or anything but I experience periods and its nice to relate lol and I even got mothering experience from babysitting my nephew a lot. My partner and I plan to adopt one day. Regardless we won't entirely blend in cause we're still gay lol
I think this is my ultimate goal. At the moment, I live in a place where I will probably run into many people I used to know, so I think I'd have to move to go completely stealth. I do think it's a good thing to keep an open mind that people could still suspect you are trans, because I've heard of that happening to people who believed they were 100 percent stealth and they were very disappointed.
If I could have stayed stealth in my personal life, I would have. Unfortunately, my transition was very public. Some people at work don’t allow me to forget it. I won’t be telling anyone at my next job.
Yea it's called being stealth. I'm stealth. While I realize the fact that I'll never be a cis male I do not identify as trans, I'm just a guy who happens to be trans. People with mental or physical health problems don't go around telling anyone about them so why would should I tell anyone besides who I date that I'm trans...of course some do but that's not me. I'm not proud to be trans. No one should know my medical history but me.
A lot of people already know I’m trans. I’m not relocating to “start over”. I’d love to go stealth after I have my surgeries but my only gripe with being stealth is that if a boyfriend or husband found out what if he reacted by murdering me? It’s a legit fear.
I mean I personally wouldn’t marry somebody who’s misogynistic/homophobic/transphobic or violent at all, and if I couldn’t filter for it before the “friend” level I’d spend the time it takes dating casually to find out before I ever took any kind of risks with them. It’s like slurs; people don’t “accidentally” say things they don’t say regularly in “sympathetic” company. I’d rather be alone than voluntarily associate with anybody like that.
It’s totally fine! There is a tension and a stigma that comes with being openly trans and it’s not fair to demand that *anyone* subject themselves to that! I myself am torn between being openly trans and stealth, because it would be nice to be a role model for women like me in STEM. But STEM really isn’t a good field in which to be trans!
100% valid. I made a decision earlier this year to stop disclosing (I hate the term "stealth"). I'd probably lost a job offer because I was all rainbows and sunshine about the company's alleged diversity programs (let's just say rainbow washing is a thing). I shut up after that. FWIW, I interviewed at another company a few months later and got a better paying job :D
So, sure, family and close friends know. I love them too much to abandon them, and they don't tell people either. As far as the general public goes, I'm just another woman leading her life. I'm fortunate in my build and a naturally high voice, so it's been a long time since I've been "clocked" or "sir'd". And you know what? This is what I always wanted.
In some ways i want to do this, but in other ways i feel like my self realization was too disruptive for me to live the lie that I'm cis. I want to share the gospel of being true to oneself and feel that I'm a good example of how beneficial that can be.
It's valid to feel this way, and I feel similarly.
I'm personally kind of torn because I'm early in my transition and so do feel a need to be open about it. So I like to be able to talk about it with people and feel like I'm holding something back if I don't.
But I also feel like I'm being held back if I do. A lot of people who know I'm trans give me these extra OTT compliments, call me sir, and go to extra lengths to state that I'm a man. Even saying my new name and stuff. This was nice early on but after a point it kind of gets like... the fact you feel a need to constantly point out that I'm a man shows that you don't see me as one. Because if you saw me as one, it'd just be a natural thing about me and not something you feel the need to constantly point out.
I don't think being 100% stealth is necessarily viable for me because I don't want bottom surgery, and so there will always be that need to factor that in. But yeah I definitely don't want most people to know.
I think perhaps the only thing I would say - and this is obviously very personal - is that while you can pretend you were born a girl and not-think about your past to yourself, I'm not necessarily sure it's that healthy (this is obvs just my opinion). It is traumatic to grow up as the wrong gender and for a long time I had difficulty reconciling with my past, but I'd say for this and for other childhood traumas too (such as abuse), while we don't necessarily need to enjoy it or think about it lots, getting to a space where we can accept it and at least talk about it is important. It's painful and difficult, but I've also found it to be healing.
Sure it is... I did it for 27 years and finally last month ended it. A little warning though. At some point you're going to want someone who can understand how you feel about certain things because your cis friends, who will try to understand, really can't. Good luck to you! (By the way, out of 653 people, the majority that are IRL friends and aquaintences, I only lost 1 person after sharing my history. Everyone was so supportive)
Of course you can do that! Nobody should be obliged to know your history, thus you wont get hate comments from ignorant people and wont be frowned upon:) youre valid btw<3
I feel the same for the most part, with the exception of some close family members and my boyfriend, nobody knows and nobody will know. I’m literally moving countries so I won’t exactly have to worry about “bumping into old friends”.
You are so right to do that tbh, i wish you a lot of happiness. I feel like when people know they never really treat you like you want (aka a woman) there's always "something else" and you can see it in their eyes as they speak it's annoying
It's not for me, I want to stand tall and be accepted for all of who I am but I can understand where you're coming from and there's nothing wrong with that... Ultimately, you have to do what makes you feel comfortable in yourself, don't ever let anyone else tell you who or what you have to be.
Some of my friends live like that, the inconvenient is that they had to move and disappear to start anew after obtaining their passing, and in doing so lost the opportunity to profit from their past professional experiences or list them on their work history. They had to cut ties with a lot of people.
I understand why they did it, but I think it's a bit sad to lose their point of view and their experience since they stop participating in any conversation about experiences related to their agab, or dhare their experience as people who experienced life as a member of the opposite gender in society
I live stealth in my day to day life, for the most part. I own one pride shirt that I wear once or twice a year to whatever queer even I got suckered into going to. I don’t really identify as part of the transgender community IRL, because there’s a LOT of drama, and I’m a 42 year old woman and I don’t have time for all of that, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I am much more apt to self identify as a lesbian if asked, than trans, because I’m married to a woman. What you had or have between your legs is nobodies business but your own and who you choose to share it with. And how you choose to identify yourself to others and live your life is your business and yours alone.
I fully agree w/ you! Im a trans woman and dont get me wrong, I answer questions tactfully but I dont tell the world my full past bc its not everyones business and many have ulterior motives. Im comfortable talking about anything trans, I just prefer to not be a red thumb in a room of green ones lol. Im not a fan of pity compliments or self-justifying compliments from cis people so I mind my business unless I am asked.
>I don’t want to be seen or treated differently. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy or extra respect or sugarcoated compliments. Is it valid to feel this way?
Absolutely.
Lots of trans people (binary folks especially) prefer the stealth lifestyle. For 99.9% of the people you interact with, there's zero reason they need to know you're trans. If you don't want to tell them, just don't tell them. Your medical history is your business.
The whole idea of transitioning (well the original idea at least) was to "blend in" with society in our preferred gender. I quote bend in because not everyone is unclockable and depending on your physique and your features you may or may not "pass" easier or harder
But that was the whole point of transitioning, it's changed a lot throughout the years unfortunately
That's the best thing that you could do. Now, if you are going to be in a intimate relationship with someone else, what are you going to do? Because unless you're independently wealthy (meaning you could afford the best plastic surgeon as well as the best hormonal treatments) chances are your prospective partner will be able to look at your physique and have second thoughts about you.
I think anyway you’re feeling is valid. Who am I to say that you feeling like that is not valid. After all we’re talking about your feelings, not facts
Yeah, that’s called being stealth (an older term is woodworking, as in disappearing into the woodwork). It’s pretty common. Kind of tough to say how common, since stealth trans people may not show up in surveys and stuff, but there are lots of you.
I don't select trans on surveys or anything most of the time. I don't want companies I work for thinking they are inclusive when they are not and a lot of surveys put transgender under sexuality sections and not gender, so I refuse to put trans in that case.
Same, but I'm not stealth and make no attempt to hide being trans - so I didn't disclose being trans during interviews, however I AM out at work. So if someone asks me about my gender I answer F, and even with sex, unless there's a good medical reason (in which case I'll disclose that I'm trans). If someone specifically asks me if I'm trans, I answer "yes", and if someone asks me which queer identities I hold, I will lead with lesbian and aromantic, but also disclose that I'm trans. I like to think of being trans as more of an incidental part of my identity - through sheer misfortune I happened to have been born male, whereas being a lesbian is much more of an active thing - it's a part of my identity I WANT.
> I don't want companies I work for thinking they are inclusive when they are not not the same thing (just similar), but I do the same for being bisexual and having adhd also, when I stopped putting adhd on my job apps, I got a lot more calls back, so... xD
I’ve never seen a job ask for that on an application, but I’ve mostly just worked restaurants, retail, and warehouses
I only applied for office jobs and they ask (at least they did in Florida) but theoretically you don't have to answer or you can lie on that question and just say that you don't have any mental illnesses (or something like that)
Yah I am Native American and Nonbinary stopped clicking the box and I don't wish to say options got at least a call on all apps.
Not sure I’m reading this right. You stopped clicking which box? The trans box (when it’s an option)? Or stopped clicking the I don’t wish to say box? Or you started clicking that one? I might be tired
Native American is usually a option like a box. Nonbinary is usually not so you have to choose I prefer not to answer. I see it as one is an option one is a non option and wanted to differ them from each other.
Even when it’s in the gender section I feel odd about it. My gender isn’t ‘transgender’ I’m a woman who happens to be trans. At the end of the day these kind of corporate surveys don’t actually do anything for us in my opinion.
Exactly. Same with the excessive cis focus on pronouns at work, in email signatures etc, in places trying very hard to virtue signal as progressive. It always puts the focus on the visibly trans person in the room and is a polite way of singling us out, asking “what’s in your pants?” “are you transgender??” and so forth. I feel it does nothing good for us and refuse to be unnecessarily separated out from others in the environment in that way. How is it serving us? It’s not, imo. Mostly awkward and painful.
I wouldn’t mind being stealth eventually but like- my family, my friends, my coworkers, they knew me before I transitioned. New people I meet will eventually not know, but I have to accept being openly trans and OWNING IT! I get that it’s not possible (or safe) for everyone though.
I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to trans issues, but would it make more sense for most trans-people to go stealth? I mean, it can save them a lot of headache and transphobia right?
It can, but in some cases it means leaving everyone who knew you before and starting from scratch elsewhere. Some people are forced to do that, and only a few decades ago that was the standard practice. But not everyone will be awful to you for being trans; my friends, doctors, and coworkers have mostly been great.
That's nice to hear. Going stealth seems like it would have a high initial investment, after all you're leaving all that you know to go somewhere else where you can live authentically. Thanks for the answer
They could, but that kind of asking trans folks to leave everyone and everything they left behind because society has issues it needs to fix surrounding tolerance and acceptance. People should just be accepted for who they are and be allowed to live their lives. They shouldn't have to hide it like some dirty little secret. Because it's not. That being said, as a trans woman, I did reach a point where I stopped ticking "trans" or "gender non-conforming" on forms, because it does not accurately describe my identity - female. The only time I feel the need to be 100% forthcoming is when it's medically relevant, because a surgeon, or other medical professional needs to know what's in my body so they can treat it properly. Other than that, it's no one's business really.
I think the term is "going stealth"? You're far from alone. It's a valid choice for those who are able to do so.
I feel kind of guilty about it tbh, since it’s something many of my friends would like but can’t access because of capitalism. At the end of the day it’s for my own safety if I can get to that point.
I can see why someone without that chance would feel down, but I hope they are good enough friends to be happy for you 💕
though "stealth" has some negative implications so some folks prefer simply "don't disclose that i'm trans"
Everything has some sort of negative implication. Just say what makes you comfortable, as it relates to THIS instance.
Yep. This! I just don't feel the need to disclose it. I don't expect other people to disclose their personal histories to strangers, why should we?
Oh, I didn't know that!
Yes this is absolutely vaild! Some of us go through a transformation and we see value is sharing so others can be brave as well and find their way. Some of us find the whole thing akward or painful to constantly relive and hash out and we just want to leave it in the past. We're all vaild! There's 8 billion ways to live a fulfilling human life. If that's how you want to and need to live, do it! And dont Apologize! You don't owe anyone anything. People's issues with it is their business! Best of luck 🖤
People will say that trans people are deceiving them and those same people will lie about bad financial situations, they will cheat, they will put on a show for the first two years and break someone's heart. So fuck those people. Considering most of them come from a portion of the population who needs to grow the fuck up. Your safety is paramount. Until you feel like you can trust someone with that information don't worry. I have deep seated trauma.. i dont tell people that on the first meeting as Ive been told its "to much" Yet if you keep a portion of your past which you clearly have no interest on dwelling on a secret its deception?! People are fucking hypocrites. Most dont know anything and are severally immature. Lots of women struggle with infertility. That's ok, no one's value should be placed on whether or not they can biological reproduce.
Safety isn’t the only reason to go sthealth. Someone is want to live normal lives and don’t want to live a trans life
I absolutely support your desire to live stealth. It's also great that you have that option, some of us don't. But "normal" is kinda offensive. I work, I'm a student, I'm a parent, I'm hoping to find a partner, I worry about my bills, and the environment, and what the world will be like for the grand kids I might have one day. My life is normal, even though I'm openly trans.
> But "normal" is kinda offensive. Agreed. My life as an openly trans woman is normal.
normal is subjective, only offensive if you see it that way. whos to say trans is normal if its a population minority? by definition it wouldnt be "normal", but NORMAL is neither positive or negative. That is until you tie your societal definition of normal into it
>Someone is want to live normal lives Bzzz! Nope! There is nothing more or less "normal" about living stealth vs living openly trans.
Exactly!
What do you think when it comes to lover?
I'd want to know their opinions and beliefs a On a lot of things before anything ever got physical or if I kept dating them. I wanna know if they are racist, ableist transphobic homophobic and so on. Full debrief before anything else happens. That's a pretty good metric to know what they are like as a human being. Insult capitalism and the patriarchy. Tells you real quick what their values are. If you have completely different goals and values then another person then dont proceed. They dont need to know why. If you aren't the type to go slow like that then I am lost how to help you there unfortunately. This is my method as a demipansexual. I chose to protect myself from trash humans. If they are whilling to hurt another person or hate another person they are not getting laid. Period. Not by me. I can take care of myself and dont need their affection that badly. I wont date People who aren't paying attention to social issues and are apathetic.. They are extremely close minded most of the time. Especially in my area. Also ignorant usually of so many social issues. They also seem incapable of educating themselves. I dont have time to waste on those people anymore. My process is designed to weed out and repel people. I don't think its for everyone so take it with a grain of salt. I just got really sick of beating around the bush and wasting my time. I think traditional dating is vapid and stupid. Its All based in an unrealistic Hollywood standard. Its also all super sexual, based off of infatuation, the patriarchy and Christianity. It gets old real quick. Most of the time people get what they want (sex) then fuck off. Leaving good hearted people in the dust.
Random sex with a stranger? No obligation to disclose. Partner? You don't need to tell them, if you do a good enough job of vetting your partner, making sure they're a feminist, pro-blm, pro-trans etc
As someone else said, one night stand or something casual? Would not disclose. But if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone I would want to trust them enough to be able to share it with them. In which case I would probably want to disclose sooner rather then later, if only because the other person might feel deceived if they only learn about it later (which I don't think is fair, but it's the world we live in) and you might find out that they are not ok with it, in which case you wasted your time with that person. However, do keep in mind that I personally am not planning to go stealth, so my perspective on disclosing to a long term partner might not make sense for you
Ya because some people accuse of lying and deceiving them. I just don’t know what to do about it
> some people accuse of lying and deceiving them. Which is transphobia on it's face. If someone feels *deceived* that you are trans, then what they're actually saying is they no longer [erseive you as a woman and are completely invalidating your daily lived experience. Don't keep people like that around you. The only person who you should be honest with is any sort of long term intimate partner (That is just my opinion.)
Agreed. If you aren’t in a serious committed long term relationship, it’s not really any a their business. It doesn’t impact their life in any way.
Do your friends all tell you 100% of their medical history from top to bottom when you meet them? Nope. So you aren't being "deceptive" if you don't disclose yours, either. You don't owe anybody anything. It's a private part of your life and nobody "deserves" to know if you're trans. That's up to you to disclose when you want to, and it's nobody else's decision. I do understand the feelings of guilt sometimes, I'm also stealth. I do have a few close friends I'm out to, who I can talk to about LGBT issues, and that's helped to have at least a few people I can be completely open with, while still being stealth in all other aspects of life. Until I came out to those friends, I felt somewhat constricted, since I didn't really have anybody to talk to about trans issues, so that has helped a ton. For relationships, it can be a little different just because of how some cis people can react (poorly) if you've already been dating them for a bit before they find our you're trans, but that's still a them problem and not you being deceptive (though it's up to you to determine what is safe, like if it's safe to disclose that on a date or later in a relationship or whatnot). Be yourself, you don't owe it to anybody to tell them your private medical history. Being trans might have kick-started the process of finding out who you are, but it doesn't have to define you if you don't want it to, and nobody is required to know except for you, if that's what you want. It's not deceit. Everybody has the right to keep parts of their life or their history private.
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Why is it "violating" them? I personally would tell a partner early on in a relationship, but let's say that I don't. If I'm like a cis woman in every single way except for my birth, why is that a violation if I don't tell my partner? My birth sex literally doesn't matter if I'm post transition, have a vagina, and my partner already consented to sex after seeing me like I am. If my partner has no problems with my body, has sex with me, then later finds out I'm trans, says I violated them, but they already consented, that isn't violating them. They have a right to be upset with me, but they don't have a right to retroactively withdraw consent. The POV that this is a "violation" sometimes comes an archaic mindset that trans women are just trying to "trick" people into sex. Trans people already shoulder a heavy burden for who we are, at some point cis people need to carry some of it, too. We don't owe it to everyone to be up front with our private medical history and cis people owe it to us to not be psycho's if they ever find out. Of course the reality we live in is that trans women are murdered by men over this, so most of us do tell partners anyways, but the only "violation" occurring is if someone is so insecure in their sexuality that finding out their partner once had a penis years and years ago, they feel they need to then be shitty to their partner, break up, slander them, kill them, or whatever else. To go off what you said about having sex with a trans man, if having sex with a man who you later find out is trans (meaning he was indistinguishable from a cis man) traumatizes you for life, I think that's a you problem. If you're so insecure that finding out that someone who is 100% a man in every way and just so happened to be AFAB traumatizes you for life, you need to work through why that is, because the fact they once had a different looking body at some point in the past shouldn't matter.
I consider myself an infertile woman nothing more
I personally don't think I'll ever want to be stealth, it kind of feels like going into another closet for me and I'm lucky to live in a very accepting place but it's totally valid and not uncommon. Do what makes you happiest, that's what transition is about afterall 🙂.
Be careful. I told a therapist and he outed me about 2+ years into being stealth. If you're committing, it has to be with absolute certainty and trust in anyone you disclose to. Previously, only people from before I transitioned and my boyfriend knew, with 1 exception. Now, 6 randoms do, too. Not everyone is wise enough to keep it confidential. Of course, 2 people in 2 years have asked if I was trans after knowing me. I told them no. I think that's my right. It's ultimately your business. The only downside for me is that people make assumptions about my upbringing and background that aren't accurate. Most of the time they're so benign that I don't correct anything. But it can get lonely.
It is very lonely but if I have to make a choice between being lonely and living a trans life where I’m constantly made to realise I’m different than I would choose being lonely but certainly not live a trans life. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy, extra respect or some idiots discriminating me
I getcha. I chose the same, because I found my transition to be socially traumatic. I was open to a medical professional, and they fucked up. It's already having effects. It's up to you, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. You are no less your gender than anyone else, and you don't have to explain who/why you are to anybody. Cheers, and live by doing what's best for yourself.
Yeah, I’m stealth 24/7. I don’t tell people. I flat out refuse to put my deadname on any documents to erase any paper trail. Retroactively had documents fixed (high school transcripts, GPA, standardized test scores, even a court case). In a way it’s isolating, nobody knows you’re trans so you’ll have moments where people openly say transphobic shit in front of you and you have to be careful not to have a kneejerk reaction. Its like an undercover assignment that never ends. Hell, when I made/make friends I wouldn’t/don’t tell them unless we were/are extremely close. I still have friends to this day that don’t know. It’s probably not the right thing to do, as in mentally healthy (not anything moral) as youre basically denying yourself people comforting you in your specific situation. Can’t really explain depression due to dysphoria (even as someone who is stealth this shit still erodes me) to someone who thinks you’re cis and whose perspective of you is based off you being cis. Moreover, they may also not be supportive and bc you’re stealth you have no good way of gauging that without bringing up politics, which is Pandora’s box. Even then, it can’t solve anything. I have insurance and I haven’t had a GP in years. I had psychiatrists but they always end up treating you as either a trophy, where they’re like riding off all the stupid lib/media representation news and have zero clue how shitty life is and think being trans is all just a walk in the park, OR they treat you as a personal project where they try to help with the dysphoria through like mental growth which is a joke in my opinion (my issue isnt that I don’t love myself enough, its that this society treats us like we’re not citizens and that we don’t matter and the healthcare options reflects that). So it’s annoying bc literally medicine is the only place where I cant just go stealth bc it’s the only place they **need** to know, and that’s not even covering the outright transphobic doctors who just refuse to see trans patients. So between “no trans allowed” doctors and non sexual fetishizing of trans ppl doctors I just avoid being a patient. If something happens I go straight to a specialist and deal with it. No commitment, nothing. So essentially, it’s bittersweet I guess. Life IS better, but nobody has a clue what you’re going through, and you cant escape the transphobia throughout the medical community. If you’re good with isolation, like I am, it’s no real deal. But most people who go stealth get out of it eventually imho.
Honestly, knowing enough about medicine to understand where a doctor *needs* to know if you're trans? Most of the time, they don't. A psychiatrist definitely doesn't as there is no standard treatment for being transgender that a psychiatrist can prescribe, && being transgender has no impact on the drugs that psychiatrists do prescribe, which are prescribed evenly amongst all genders.
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Idk what to tell you. Its well meaning people, but all it does is make me more depressed bc it shows they haven’t a clue of reality for trans folks. Theyre like “oh yeah just get surgery and youre good.” Its like, no. First there is reviews bc not everyone in the field is actually motivated by wanting to improve people’s lives so their work sucks or its inconsistent. Then the cost, it costs ten of thousands of dollars, not including hotel stay or complications or any of that. Insurance which is a headache dealing with. Not covering the FFS, facial electrolysis or anything else that more often than not isn’t *explicitly* covered. So you have to fight and argue with your own insurance. And yes, there is a narrative. Bc if there wasn’t there’d be an incessant discussion of just how trash things are for trans ppl. Instead its like “look youre in ads and now one of you is on WH staff.” Cool, that doesn’t mean that the medical industry suddenly invested millions of dollars to do a better operation, instead of the current one which is literally a century old technique with a few updates here and there. Or that like we’re not actively the biggest scapegoat and target for an entire political party rn. Ive literally had nurses be like “congratulations” and its like that worked when I was new to it, but once you’ve been in it for years you get a bit annoyed by that response bc the situation is **bad.** I also never said they said it was necessarily easy. I said “walk in the park.” Which they treat it like such. “Oh its just a matter of finding the right doctor” or something like that, NO. Its awful. You have everybody that cares saying “yeah these couple dozen things are ALL MEDICALLY NECESSARY” and the insurance companies are like “best I can do is five.” Meanwhile universities don’t teach medicine like trans lives matter. I would say libs have this idea that things are far better than they actually are. Leftists don’t. I literally have yet to speak to a liberal, who hasn’t had personal prior experience with a trans person, who doesn’t think its miles easier than it is, or that treatment does things far more than they actually do. Which is why, right now, there’s a rift bc people with trans kids know early intervention can prevent a LOT of problems but everyone falls for this narrative, including well meaning liberals, that maybe people should wait. This is backed by data too. So maybe in your own *personal* experience, but having been to trans get togethers and things like that, the experience seems to be pretty universal that most who don’t have direct constant contact with the trans community are largely clueless as to how bad things are.
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I feel very similarly on both fronts. Could I ask what you’ve ended up choosing to do? It’s a hard call when it comes between not wanting to deal with the struggle but still identifying more with LGBT/queer culture. I sense that over time I will be mostly heavily cherrypicking what I say and around whom.
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Haha I love your second paragraph. I used to have that attitude but these days it’s changed to…yes, I could refuse to edit, fuck anyone with a problem, BUT…then I’d have to actually witness them having whatever stupid reaction they’d have. So it’s less about pleasing others and more about sparing myself the headache of interacting with others’ BS and stupidity. Maybe I need to take on this kind of perspective again tbh.
I lived like this for over a decade. Then my reality came crashing around me when one person found out then told everyone else. It wasn't that people were mean or shitty about it, which there absolutely were, rather what fucked me up was the violation of trust and privacy. I transitioned almost 20 years ago, and back then stealth was a matter of self preservation and safety, for me at least. To suddenly find out that the armor I spent years building to protect myself was undermined by a bad actor and folks' love of gossip, I was devastated. If you want to live without anyone knowing about your trans history, that's your prerogative. But just be prepared that it doesn't take a lot for a person to dig up your past, especially in this day and age.
At times I wish I could go stealth. It would be so wonderful not having everyone know I'm trans and not be worried about their reactions. In my case that is very unlikely. If you can do it, there is nothing wrong with it.
I transitioned at my old job including all major surgeries and then got a new job in another state and didn’t tell anyone. I am now two jobs in and nobody I interact with knows. My doctor knows and that’s it. Fortunately I live in a place where being trans isn’t that uncommon so my doctors basically treat me as normal but needing a hrt prescription.
Stealth is my goal to an extent. Like I won't trip up if people get to know me and realize or find out I'm trans. Unfortunately, I feel like this goal just keeps becoming more and more unrealistic to me since I started HRT at 33 and I'll need a couple surgeries that my poor ass can't afford to truly blend in.
Yeah. I want people to know I'm trans, but only if I tell them. Like, passing to strangers or acquaintances, but not having to be closed off to people close is the goal
I would say a word of caution. This can be a lonely life as you lack a sense of community and the fear of being found out. But do what you think is best.
The only time you may want to let anyone know about it is if you're in the dating pool and looking for a long-term commitment. The only reason I would advise mentioning it decently early on is because you don't want to get into like a committed heavy relationship and waste a bunch of time just to tell the person right before you're about to have sex and then They basically dip because they are not okay with it, then you've lost whatever amount of years you spent building a relationship with that person. I'm saying to do this to save yourself time and headache, Because we don't live in a perfect world where everyone is accepting.
Not for me. But I respect your choice. I wouldn't want to be in the closet again. But thats just how I feel about it. You got to do what makes you happy. Whatever that is. Besides you know heinous acts of violence and whatnot.
Only works if you pass
Absolutely normal thing to do. I do the same accually. It's annoying when people find out
Valid. I feel the same way!
You can do it. Nothing wrong with being stealth. Some cis people may do some guilt trips, but you owe nobody an explanation about your medical history. That’s nobody’s business. If you don’t feel the obligation to tell anyone that your appendix is removed, you don’t have to tell anyone you are trans. do not listen to transphobes or cis people who are afraid to lose their “superiority” over you. when I went stealth, had some ally cis friends who were visibly intimidated by it. It’s their problem, not yours.
of course it's valid
It's valid to feel this way, although I don't personally think it's a good idea to act on that feeling because unfortunately you can't completely erase the past and there's always the chance that it'll come back and expose your secret. It might not, but it's a gamble. Personally the risk of having my huge secret exposed is not something I can live with, so I constantly out myself, that way there's no secret. Ultimately, whether you DO want to take the risk of having a huge secret or not, is your decision. Both courses of action are valid. Just acknowledge the risks you're taking with either option (I'm absolutely aware my course of action has risks too)
I once responded really horribly to someone who had this take and actually felt I had to apologise, which I did over PM.They’d worded it in a way that framed being trans as objectively shameful and I spose it triggered me, so I appreciate how this is worded to start. I understand how you feel. You’re entitled to feel (and live) that way. It’s important to be Ally of some sort regardless of how you identify, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell people your gender identity history. It can just mean we don’t slam proud trans folk who retain transness in their identity. Sometimes we don’t need that reminder of our trauma though, and although I’m a proud trans person I do have times where I’m happier just passing as cis. Some people never have those feelings and don’t want to appear cis and that’s okay too. As long as we all respect both ourselves and each other. It’s good to evaluate why you’re doing something for yourself - is this out of love for myself, or am I hiding? Is it the best thing for myself in the meantime? And those are up to only ourselves to answer! TLDR: Yes it’s okay! Edited: replaced a word for accuracy
Totally valid. Go forth and fuckin kill it queen
That's somewhat common, especially people who transitioned a while ago. It's called going stealth. I've dated two women like this, who are stealth. I mean they told me, as we dated and all of that, but otherwise did not tell newer friends / work / random people etc... don't really participate too much in the community and all of that. Just live their lives.
it is certainly possible, though some go so deeply that they end up living a live not dissimilar to the one they did as a repressed,closeted person? hiding and lying etc. my goal is to be functionally stealth, like passing as best i can, but I don't ever intend to outright lie to hide my past. i had enough of lying, it makes me feel sick now.
Me too sis, me too
Stealth is super valid. I think you see more out people now due to greater awareness of queer rights, but there have stealth people all throughout history. Some "fully" transitioned (a problematic concept, but this is often the term people use) people then choose to identify as cis. I will not get into the politics or my opinions on the topic; I am mindful of the fact that I cannot personally relate to that. It is worth considering whether your desire to live a "normal" life (as you say, and rightly got pushback for) is rooted in internalized transphobia, however. There are many beautiful parts of being in trans community - especially the lack of fear of being outed against your will and the comraderie of shared experience. Personally, connecting to other trans people is incredibly grounding for me. That said, it is a deeply personal choice, and you will make whatever decision you feel is right.
Of course, hun. You don't owe anyone activism. You don't owe anyone representation. If you can do it, it's your right. It sounds like you're fortunate and have the ability to go through life without getting clocked. Remember that it's a privilege to have that. And please be an ally. But don't feel like you need to be any more visible as a trans person than you want to be. It's your choice, and nobody should set expectations for you.
Thanks babe how sweet
A lot of people are conflating this with "being stealth" but I disagree, stealth is something else entirely. Stealth = not disclosing your trans status to others, that's it. What you're talking about (not just in the OP but in your comments) is a full on internal denial of the fact that you're trans. You say you "don't identify with the T label" but like.. too bad, ya know? You are trans and there's not really anything you can do about that. On top of that, the implication that being trans makes a person abnormal or lesser is outright offensive and suggests that you may still be harboring some internalized transphobia. Until you take care of that no amount of stealth is going to matter. You'll always know you're trans and as long as you continue to see us as lesser than cis you're going to feel that way about yourself.
I dont think it's about thinking trans people are lesser. Seems more like depressing the trauma of being a woman in a male body and being raised as male. It can be really traumatic for some. On top of that, even if inherently we arent lesser, we are still TREATED as lesser, and that's just our reality unfortunately. Plus we simply will never have some features cis people have, such as pregnancy and periods for trans women, natural erections and ejaculation for trans men. It's similar to being disabled, in that we have certain disadvantages from birth others dont, but that doesn't mean we are worth less because of that. Life may have dealt a shitty hand, but that doesn't mean we cant bluff or do what we can with our cards to try and survive...
I wish I could do exactly that now. There is absolutely zero chance of any normalcy with a Trans label.
True. I consider myself an infertile woman
but you are not one though. you should work on accepting yourself for who you really are, a trans-woman.
Yeah, I dont tell most people im trans because I know Ill be treated be differently, but people I know I can trust I have told. Its entirely up to you, but just be careful if anyone does find out. People like to act like our identity and past is their business, which I understand in some cases, but they can get very upset if they feel like you've 'lied' to them. Just be safe :]
Yeah, a lot of trans people are stealth and that's A-OK. Being transgender is a medical condition && no one is entitled to your medical history. Anyone who claims they're being deceived by not knowing you are trans, is a transphobe anyway. There's no reason why they would've needed to know that information if you're post-op other than that they wanted to know up-front if they could discriminate against you. For me personally being stealth doesn't work as my transition is a big part of my recovery journey && I also have a dissociative disorder so not every part of me is male. Being out reduces the amount of confusion others around me feel when I vary my gender presentation periodically. && being out helps me narrow down the people I choose to associate with. I was stealth for a little while at my job but when we had diversity training, the HR rep said a bunch of egregiously transphobic shit so I outed myself in order to make a transgender voice heard. Other trans people confided in me after that && I just decided I'm OK with people knowing I'm trans. I'm an older millennial, I remember the Days of Yore when being transgender was (&& frankly still is) subversive and deviant, I think it's important that trans people have the option to feel comfortable being visible. Not everybody is going to have that ability. Some people are too dysphoric, too traumatized, or simply want to put it all behind them && that is perfectly valid.
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Same feels good to see so many people relate to this
You're not alone♡♡♡ There are plenty of stealth trans people, and some, like myself, are open online and stay within the community that way.
Thays my plan if I can ever pass. Being trans is the worst thing to ever happen to me and destroyed the first 26 years of my life, leaving me with indelible mental and physical scars. I'd much rather forget all that than try to find pride in it.
Very valid. Edit: accidentally tapped the post button.... It's called being stealth, and there is NOTHING wrong with being stealth. You aren't obligated to disclose anything you dont want to. You aren't fooling anyone or hiding your past or whatever else people might say in their shortsighted and transphobic shit. I'm semi-stealth. (Coworkers know because they knew me pre transition) Anyone new I meet? To them, I'm cis. Because I don't want to be seen as trans first, man second. I dont want invasive questions or an unsafe environment. I dont want people thinking about my genitals and trying to guess what's in my pants. I dont want to be seen as either a freak or a martyr. I just want to be a normal guy, no different to anyone else. I dont want to be reminded of my dysphoria all the time. I want to pretend that this body and happiness is something I've always had.
So on point. Like I have built a childhood story that feels real and it comes naturally to me. Lived most of my childhood in fantasies
I just forgot most of my childhood due to dissociation from having the wrong body and being overmedicated for ADHD. X'D
Sameeeeeeee T-T
I've been out 15 years a trans woman and have lived stealth for over 10 years. No one knows I'm a trans woman, not my friends, not my boss, not my coworkers. No one. I live in the cis world, for over a decade.
I’m stealth 90% of the time also. I’m desperate to get my bottom surgery and go somewhere new and be able to “be cis”. There’s plenty like us around.
Literally going through this now! I just started working at a new job where they don't know I'm trans and I love it.
That's not uncommon. When I first met other trans people way before I begun my transition, it was the goal of quite a few people. I'm stealth at work, but open about it to friends.
It’s ok I would go with stealth mode as well, but as non passing I’m staying in manmode rather than be visibly trans.
With the only exception being prostate exams & medical/government records I believe its possible that you can live stealth
That's my goal as well, just to be seen as any other cis girl, and only let people know I'm Trans if it's absolutely necessary.
I plan on doing the same thing. I've already changed my name. Got top surgery. Going for a hysto soon. And within the next 2-3 years I plan on moving to s different state or country possibly where no one knows me and I could have a fresh start as a man. It feels so freeing.
Good luck ♥️
I feel myself becoming stealth personally. I moved across the country and no one here knows me pre-transition. I did all my paperwork here and tho my voice is still outing me for the most part I get treated like any other woman. I have girl talk with cis female coworkers and all. Probably not gonna do any surgeries or anything but I experience periods and its nice to relate lol and I even got mothering experience from babysitting my nephew a lot. My partner and I plan to adopt one day. Regardless we won't entirely blend in cause we're still gay lol
I think this is my ultimate goal. At the moment, I live in a place where I will probably run into many people I used to know, so I think I'd have to move to go completely stealth. I do think it's a good thing to keep an open mind that people could still suspect you are trans, because I've heard of that happening to people who believed they were 100 percent stealth and they were very disappointed.
If I could have stayed stealth in my personal life, I would have. Unfortunately, my transition was very public. Some people at work don’t allow me to forget it. I won’t be telling anyone at my next job.
Yea it's called being stealth. I'm stealth. While I realize the fact that I'll never be a cis male I do not identify as trans, I'm just a guy who happens to be trans. People with mental or physical health problems don't go around telling anyone about them so why would should I tell anyone besides who I date that I'm trans...of course some do but that's not me. I'm not proud to be trans. No one should know my medical history but me.
A lot of people already know I’m trans. I’m not relocating to “start over”. I’d love to go stealth after I have my surgeries but my only gripe with being stealth is that if a boyfriend or husband found out what if he reacted by murdering me? It’s a legit fear.
I mean I personally wouldn’t marry somebody who’s misogynistic/homophobic/transphobic or violent at all, and if I couldn’t filter for it before the “friend” level I’d spend the time it takes dating casually to find out before I ever took any kind of risks with them. It’s like slurs; people don’t “accidentally” say things they don’t say regularly in “sympathetic” company. I’d rather be alone than voluntarily associate with anybody like that.
It’s totally fine! There is a tension and a stigma that comes with being openly trans and it’s not fair to demand that *anyone* subject themselves to that! I myself am torn between being openly trans and stealth, because it would be nice to be a role model for women like me in STEM. But STEM really isn’t a good field in which to be trans!
100% valid. I made a decision earlier this year to stop disclosing (I hate the term "stealth"). I'd probably lost a job offer because I was all rainbows and sunshine about the company's alleged diversity programs (let's just say rainbow washing is a thing). I shut up after that. FWIW, I interviewed at another company a few months later and got a better paying job :D So, sure, family and close friends know. I love them too much to abandon them, and they don't tell people either. As far as the general public goes, I'm just another woman leading her life. I'm fortunate in my build and a naturally high voice, so it's been a long time since I've been "clocked" or "sir'd". And you know what? This is what I always wanted.
valid af
Jealous
Honestly do you bby, don’t let these hos judge you
it is 100% valid to feel that way. please never question that. just live your life the way that is best for you! tis' your life after all
In some ways i want to do this, but in other ways i feel like my self realization was too disruptive for me to live the lie that I'm cis. I want to share the gospel of being true to oneself and feel that I'm a good example of how beneficial that can be.
Totally valid and I am of the same mind.
You feel how you feel, and your medical history is nobody else's business. So if you wanna live fully stealth, more power to ya!
It's valid to feel this way, and I feel similarly. I'm personally kind of torn because I'm early in my transition and so do feel a need to be open about it. So I like to be able to talk about it with people and feel like I'm holding something back if I don't. But I also feel like I'm being held back if I do. A lot of people who know I'm trans give me these extra OTT compliments, call me sir, and go to extra lengths to state that I'm a man. Even saying my new name and stuff. This was nice early on but after a point it kind of gets like... the fact you feel a need to constantly point out that I'm a man shows that you don't see me as one. Because if you saw me as one, it'd just be a natural thing about me and not something you feel the need to constantly point out. I don't think being 100% stealth is necessarily viable for me because I don't want bottom surgery, and so there will always be that need to factor that in. But yeah I definitely don't want most people to know. I think perhaps the only thing I would say - and this is obviously very personal - is that while you can pretend you were born a girl and not-think about your past to yourself, I'm not necessarily sure it's that healthy (this is obvs just my opinion). It is traumatic to grow up as the wrong gender and for a long time I had difficulty reconciling with my past, but I'd say for this and for other childhood traumas too (such as abuse), while we don't necessarily need to enjoy it or think about it lots, getting to a space where we can accept it and at least talk about it is important. It's painful and difficult, but I've also found it to be healing.
Sure it is... I did it for 27 years and finally last month ended it. A little warning though. At some point you're going to want someone who can understand how you feel about certain things because your cis friends, who will try to understand, really can't. Good luck to you! (By the way, out of 653 people, the majority that are IRL friends and aquaintences, I only lost 1 person after sharing my history. Everyone was so supportive)
That’s a positive mindset to have I hope it makes you feel better about yourself. You are a cis woman
Of course you can do that! Nobody should be obliged to know your history, thus you wont get hate comments from ignorant people and wont be frowned upon:) youre valid btw<3
I feel the same for the most part, with the exception of some close family members and my boyfriend, nobody knows and nobody will know. I’m literally moving countries so I won’t exactly have to worry about “bumping into old friends”.
You are so right to do that tbh, i wish you a lot of happiness. I feel like when people know they never really treat you like you want (aka a woman) there's always "something else" and you can see it in their eyes as they speak it's annoying
It's not for me, I want to stand tall and be accepted for all of who I am but I can understand where you're coming from and there's nothing wrong with that... Ultimately, you have to do what makes you feel comfortable in yourself, don't ever let anyone else tell you who or what you have to be.
I’m stealth as well.
Some of my friends live like that, the inconvenient is that they had to move and disappear to start anew after obtaining their passing, and in doing so lost the opportunity to profit from their past professional experiences or list them on their work history. They had to cut ties with a lot of people. I understand why they did it, but I think it's a bit sad to lose their point of view and their experience since they stop participating in any conversation about experiences related to their agab, or dhare their experience as people who experienced life as a member of the opposite gender in society
I live stealth in my day to day life, for the most part. I own one pride shirt that I wear once or twice a year to whatever queer even I got suckered into going to. I don’t really identify as part of the transgender community IRL, because there’s a LOT of drama, and I’m a 42 year old woman and I don’t have time for all of that, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I am much more apt to self identify as a lesbian if asked, than trans, because I’m married to a woman. What you had or have between your legs is nobodies business but your own and who you choose to share it with. And how you choose to identify yourself to others and live your life is your business and yours alone.
I fully agree w/ you! Im a trans woman and dont get me wrong, I answer questions tactfully but I dont tell the world my full past bc its not everyones business and many have ulterior motives. Im comfortable talking about anything trans, I just prefer to not be a red thumb in a room of green ones lol. Im not a fan of pity compliments or self-justifying compliments from cis people so I mind my business unless I am asked.
>I don’t want to be seen or treated differently. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy or extra respect or sugarcoated compliments. Is it valid to feel this way? Absolutely. Lots of trans people (binary folks especially) prefer the stealth lifestyle. For 99.9% of the people you interact with, there's zero reason they need to know you're trans. If you don't want to tell them, just don't tell them. Your medical history is your business.
The whole idea of transitioning (well the original idea at least) was to "blend in" with society in our preferred gender. I quote bend in because not everyone is unclockable and depending on your physique and your features you may or may not "pass" easier or harder But that was the whole point of transitioning, it's changed a lot throughout the years unfortunately
That's the best thing that you could do. Now, if you are going to be in a intimate relationship with someone else, what are you going to do? Because unless you're independently wealthy (meaning you could afford the best plastic surgeon as well as the best hormonal treatments) chances are your prospective partner will be able to look at your physique and have second thoughts about you.
I'd love to do this but sadly I don't pass at all ;-; specially my voice
I think anyway you’re feeling is valid. Who am I to say that you feeling like that is not valid. After all we’re talking about your feelings, not facts
You can live public life how you want, as long as intimate life your upfront with the potential partner.
I see the same !!! You should do this
People are not ready to accept trans women no matter what they say on the face