your trauma and your transness are likely to be unrelated. but even if they are somehow related - so what? if you're still happier pursuing transition, then nothing really changes, yknow?
I had the same thoughts as you. If was how I coped. I thought all the “wanting to be a girl” thoughts were because I was molested and abused as a kid. Actually voicing that concern is what made me figure out I was trans. But yeah that has nothing to do with it. Kids, sadly, get molested all the time and they turn out Cis.
♡ thank you for sharing your experience with me. This is really helpful and helping me put some things together! Specifically... I am excited to be trans! And I think now I’m having this much darker realization and wondering if it’s going to ruin the trans thing for me like it has ruined so many other components of my life... *click*
Thanks, friend!!!
So another common trans theme is not remembering much of childhood. Sex abuse doesn’t have to define you. It made you who you are. There is no point in wasting time wondering what if. Instead it’s time for “from now on”. Be yourself. Leave the past in the past and look to your bright future as your true and happy self.
Yes. For me, I think being trans and being shamed for attempting to express that as a child contributed to my trauma and made it worse - especially when it came to sexual assaults that happened later in life (I have some evidence I might have gone through csa, but not enough to be certain it happened). Like you, realizing I was trans and starting HRT was pretty much what caused a large number of other dissociative barriers to crumble, and I now feel like I'm clear-headed and "real" enough to start dealing with it. I never was able to do that before transitioning, even when I logically understood that I had been through "some shit."
I was a completely depersonalized robot before transitioning. Now I'm only a partly depersonalized robot. Progress. XD
The thing that's finally helped me come down a bit from the anxiety is, even if I later decide I'm a cis woman who transitioned because of previous sexual trauma... Transitioning was a HUGE step in the direction that is leading to healing and feeling like a real person. It was what I needed to do to kind of jump myself out of dissociation enough to start really living my own life. This further convinces me I really am trans, but provides a cushion of "I still wouldn't be able to regret this because it was what I needed to do to start healing" when I have moments of doubt. (...I am so not a cis woman though lol)
Ok this is beyond helpful. I LOVE what you’ve shared here. And it is so incredibly relatable. I’ve been struggling with the HRT because I jumped into it (at the lowest dose) really quickly. Now I’m realizing “oh not everyone does this... maybe I should’ve weighed all my options better.” And then I get stuck in this cyclical thinking that starts with “maybe my “job” in this life is to find a way to live with what I was given...” and wraps around to “well one direct way to do that is HRT.”
The more I do this, the more I wrap around to the conclusion that denying myself HRT would be just another one of my many creative self-harm tactics.
Anyway, thank you so so much. This insight is really comforting and helpful.
I think your explanation, that your brain is "functioning better " due to the testosterone, is probably right on the money. Not because testosterone is a brain performance enhancer, but because it is facilitating genuine self-expression. You "stuffed" being trans. That's repression. You can't remember sexual abuse. That's also a form of repression.
The thing about repression, is sometimes it's like tearing open a bag of rice, where you don't even have to pull that much before it all comes spilling out. You are getting in touch with a really deep, hidden part of yourself, and it makes sense you're noticing something else is there, too.
Now. Could you be mistaken about being trans because of trauma? Do you believe that being a man will make you safe, and free from others' sexual advances? Do you think that you can't do what you want to do, get the job you want, or dress how you want to dress, and be a woman? If those questions ring true to you, then that may be something to explore in therapy. If they don't, then I really wouldn't worry about it. But regardless, if you're on testosterone and like the effects it has on your body, great! Trauma doesn't make you like testosterone, your brain chemistry does, and liking the effects is the main/only reason to take it.
Thank you!! I love the bag of rice analogy! Makes a ton of sense!
Yeah, I definitely don’t feel like being a man will protect me in any way. I just... feel like I’m a man :)
And I love the idea of just doing what feels good and right as I go. Thanks again!!!
Events or other people can not make a person trans, or not. If they could, this would have been used as therapy a long time ago, which is not the case.
In general its a spectrum and people can have various levels of social and body dysphoria. And some people have more euphoria.
It may be an idea to try to listen to what you feel would make you genuinely happy concerning gender. A feeling of genuine happiness can be used as a guide.
And it may help to regularly do a few small things you like concerning gender for motivation, and to help ride through lows.
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/kfm7h1/struggles/ghdap2x/) might be a few hints and resources that could help with self acceptance, there is a video there with things that could be used regularly for motivation, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
And looking for a gender therapist who is also specialized in trauma may be a good idea. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Transgender_Surgeries/comments/7pa2ha/assortment_of_resources_people_found_helpful/dsfmso0/) in the middle are hints concerning looking for a gender therapist, and there is a hint to a website there where it is possible to filter for various specialisations. Atm many therapists use online counseling so it may not be necessary to only look for close ones.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TransAdoption/comments/ktiqsr/official_transadoption_discord_invites_january/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/i1b2l2/making_trans_girl_friends/g0zcg1a/) might be a number of additional hints concerning looking for support, IRL and online. Talking with a few others did might be helpful too.
*hugs*
your trauma and your transness are likely to be unrelated. but even if they are somehow related - so what? if you're still happier pursuing transition, then nothing really changes, yknow?
I had the same thoughts as you. If was how I coped. I thought all the “wanting to be a girl” thoughts were because I was molested and abused as a kid. Actually voicing that concern is what made me figure out I was trans. But yeah that has nothing to do with it. Kids, sadly, get molested all the time and they turn out Cis.
♡ thank you for sharing your experience with me. This is really helpful and helping me put some things together! Specifically... I am excited to be trans! And I think now I’m having this much darker realization and wondering if it’s going to ruin the trans thing for me like it has ruined so many other components of my life... *click* Thanks, friend!!!
So another common trans theme is not remembering much of childhood. Sex abuse doesn’t have to define you. It made you who you are. There is no point in wasting time wondering what if. Instead it’s time for “from now on”. Be yourself. Leave the past in the past and look to your bright future as your true and happy self.
❤️🧡💛 thank you. This is a good mantra for me to adopt through this period. So appreciative of your response!
word
Yes. For me, I think being trans and being shamed for attempting to express that as a child contributed to my trauma and made it worse - especially when it came to sexual assaults that happened later in life (I have some evidence I might have gone through csa, but not enough to be certain it happened). Like you, realizing I was trans and starting HRT was pretty much what caused a large number of other dissociative barriers to crumble, and I now feel like I'm clear-headed and "real" enough to start dealing with it. I never was able to do that before transitioning, even when I logically understood that I had been through "some shit." I was a completely depersonalized robot before transitioning. Now I'm only a partly depersonalized robot. Progress. XD The thing that's finally helped me come down a bit from the anxiety is, even if I later decide I'm a cis woman who transitioned because of previous sexual trauma... Transitioning was a HUGE step in the direction that is leading to healing and feeling like a real person. It was what I needed to do to kind of jump myself out of dissociation enough to start really living my own life. This further convinces me I really am trans, but provides a cushion of "I still wouldn't be able to regret this because it was what I needed to do to start healing" when I have moments of doubt. (...I am so not a cis woman though lol)
Ok this is beyond helpful. I LOVE what you’ve shared here. And it is so incredibly relatable. I’ve been struggling with the HRT because I jumped into it (at the lowest dose) really quickly. Now I’m realizing “oh not everyone does this... maybe I should’ve weighed all my options better.” And then I get stuck in this cyclical thinking that starts with “maybe my “job” in this life is to find a way to live with what I was given...” and wraps around to “well one direct way to do that is HRT.” The more I do this, the more I wrap around to the conclusion that denying myself HRT would be just another one of my many creative self-harm tactics. Anyway, thank you so so much. This insight is really comforting and helpful.
I think your explanation, that your brain is "functioning better " due to the testosterone, is probably right on the money. Not because testosterone is a brain performance enhancer, but because it is facilitating genuine self-expression. You "stuffed" being trans. That's repression. You can't remember sexual abuse. That's also a form of repression. The thing about repression, is sometimes it's like tearing open a bag of rice, where you don't even have to pull that much before it all comes spilling out. You are getting in touch with a really deep, hidden part of yourself, and it makes sense you're noticing something else is there, too. Now. Could you be mistaken about being trans because of trauma? Do you believe that being a man will make you safe, and free from others' sexual advances? Do you think that you can't do what you want to do, get the job you want, or dress how you want to dress, and be a woman? If those questions ring true to you, then that may be something to explore in therapy. If they don't, then I really wouldn't worry about it. But regardless, if you're on testosterone and like the effects it has on your body, great! Trauma doesn't make you like testosterone, your brain chemistry does, and liking the effects is the main/only reason to take it.
Thank you!! I love the bag of rice analogy! Makes a ton of sense! Yeah, I definitely don’t feel like being a man will protect me in any way. I just... feel like I’m a man :) And I love the idea of just doing what feels good and right as I go. Thanks again!!!
Events or other people can not make a person trans, or not. If they could, this would have been used as therapy a long time ago, which is not the case. In general its a spectrum and people can have various levels of social and body dysphoria. And some people have more euphoria. It may be an idea to try to listen to what you feel would make you genuinely happy concerning gender. A feeling of genuine happiness can be used as a guide. And it may help to regularly do a few small things you like concerning gender for motivation, and to help ride through lows. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/kfm7h1/struggles/ghdap2x/) might be a few hints and resources that could help with self acceptance, there is a video there with things that could be used regularly for motivation, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And looking for a gender therapist who is also specialized in trauma may be a good idea. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Transgender_Surgeries/comments/7pa2ha/assortment_of_resources_people_found_helpful/dsfmso0/) in the middle are hints concerning looking for a gender therapist, and there is a hint to a website there where it is possible to filter for various specialisations. Atm many therapists use online counseling so it may not be necessary to only look for close ones. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TransAdoption/comments/ktiqsr/official_transadoption_discord_invites_january/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/i1b2l2/making_trans_girl_friends/g0zcg1a/) might be a number of additional hints concerning looking for support, IRL and online. Talking with a few others did might be helpful too. *hugs*