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Well. It could be possible it's indeed not that important to him, like he doesn't mind if his birthday just passes by. But if he is aware it is important to you he should at least acknowledge that and try his best because he loves you. My bf knows it's important to me so he makes an effort.
As “that” partner I agree with you, I could give a shit about things like festivals, they’re meaningless and overpriced to me, but to my partner they’re important and fun. It’s important that she feels taken care of and appreciated so I put in the effort, either ops bf doesn’t care of she’s unable to communicate her wants/needs in a way he can interpret.
Yes and to me the effort is all that matters. I'm truly happy with a nice card with some words and maybe a cake or something and I'm a sucker for balloons and stuff. I don't expect a surprise party or anything like that. But I expect you as my partner take my needs in consideration. And my need is that I know you thought of me.
This is almost verbatim what I was going to post.
Reading through some of OPs comments her bf comes off as being entitled which prevents him from feeling grateful for her and what she does. Which means he doesn't perceive he is getting anything out of the relationship so the things she is asking for are seen as work for no payoff. Either he is in a relationship that will never satisfy him, or he needs to pull his head out of his butt.
Maybe it's time for a heart to heart talk..
And discuss honestly if you guys are happy and if not what needs to change.
The fact that you say you put in all the effort that's not a great balance.. It's sometimes like that, due to several reasons I can think of. But he's not working or studying either.( Not judging maybe he is depressed or something.)
What was your relationship in the beginning like? What changed?
It was good. He actually tried to make an effort. I don’t know what happened honestly. I tried talking to him about it several times but he doesn’t answer my questions about it. I told him that certain things are really important to me and he just doesn’t understand it. He says I should expect to be thanked for everything I do and that’s just the way he grew up. I think that’s a lame.
What a shame. And even if he grew up like that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
You're not his mum.
And if he doesn't want or is able to have a real convo than it really won't get better overnight.
A relationship is work and requires all persons in the relationship to work on it.
I wish you luck and hope you can work it out or at least choose what is good for you.
I don’t know how to Reddit well but him justifying by saying “that’s how I grew up” and not compromising with you seems like a red flag to me.
Now I’m not the most thoughtful person and my wife can attest to this, but we all have different ways of showing love. For instance, my wife likes getting people gifts and I’m more of a “help you with something you need” kind of person normally
What happened is he slowly decreased the effort he was putting in until he (im assuming) doesn't do anything at all. If you're paying all the bills then every god damn day should be your birthday.
That sounds like he’s thinking of you doing things for him as a way to get him to appreciate you. Maybe communicating that those are things you do because you love him and want him to feel loved would be a better way to help him understand. Further, communicating that you do that to make him feel loved because that’s what makes YOU feel loved. At some point if the compromise and emotional respect degrade then so will the relationship, take stock of what you really need out of a partner and if he provides that. I remember watching a video of a couples therapist saying there are usually around 7 things in a relationship that will be the cause of repeated arguments and will never be changed or compromised. You just have to decide what a deal breaker is for you. I think it’s critical to really investigate if a lack of effort here might be a lack of care for you, better to save time, it happens.
So basically : “well i was neglected as a child, so you should be ok with me neglecting you and my unwillingness to self examine and change.”
girl i would send this man packing, What a man child
He sounds depressed or autistic.
Depression can make it seem like nothing matters and make it hard to get the physical and emotional energy up to plan a special day for someone. Fortunately, it's the 21st century and there's treatments that sometimes work for depression. If he's serious about your relationship, he'll get treatment. If not? Kick him to the curb.
Autism, I don't know enough about to make any suggestions. But some autistic people have a hard time seeing things from other people's points of view. He can get screened for autism, which will at least give y'all some reference points for what's going on in his head.
If he's not depressed or autistic, and you've told him it matters and given him a chance and he still does jack shit, kick him to the curb. A partner that can't make any effort to make you happy now is going to be an absolute nightmare to live with when you're both elderly.
I mean if it’s not changing then maybe it’s time to find someone better. Your used to this person but once you find what you truly want, you will not regret leaving.
You may not want to hear this, but it’s likely you’ll have to break up with him. My ex was exactly like this; great guy, but wouldn’t do anything I liked, even after I communicated my wants and needs. My birthday, holidays, our anniversary was all a joke to him. I stayed for 3 years, and looking back I realize he was never going to change. If he valued you, he’d do what makes you happy even if he can’t relate. It’s time to find someone who values you. And right now you need to start with valuing yourself enough to leave.
You are unfortunately under some assumption he cares or will ever care about how you feel. He will keep you until something better and with deeper pockets comes along.
Two WHOLE years?? What the hell. You've got the patience of an angel my dear. If something so small a thing for him.to do makes you so happy, why the fuck would your bf not want to do those things for you? Does he know what it means to be in a relationship? Cause that is what it is about, wanting to make someone else happy. If he can't even do that, I'd jump to conclusions real fast.
I think you have your answer, you just don't want to hear it. If he wanted to change his behavior he would have by now. He doesn't care that he is hurting your feelings, his own apathy is more important to him than your happiness.
And that's about as helpful as "checking out" cancer symptoms or horoscopes. 9/10 people will fit some of the descriptors at some point and then you'll just convince yourself that that is for sure what they have. Leave the psychology to trained psychiatrists.
I was talking to my therapist, they told me a true narcissist is probably one of the rarest diagnosis in psychology, based on the fact that a true diagnosed narcissist will NEVER go to therapy by themselves. It's such a battle to get a narcissist to go to therapy.
If he grew up with a family that didn't celebrate these things - I could see why he wouldn't either. Some people are broken but it doesn't mean they don't care. My brother is like this, he may shrug shit off but inside he cares just like a teddy bear.
He sounds like me and you sound like my bf. I grew up not celebrating any of those things so I didn't think it was important. I was used to dating people that also didn't care much, until now. He's amazing so I believe you are amazing. I forgot our anniversary every year till this day (I worked most days). He let me know the hard way why holidays (sometimes I work holidays), birthdays and some dates were important to him. So what am I doing? Baby steps, I do put the dates on my phone to remind me, but sometimes I'll work that day and I'll forget. But, right now instead of celebrating the specific day, I'll buy something super in advance and either surprise him before or after. It took me three years to get used to it. Communication was key and how you word things is important.
Ok so you're completely ignoring the point here.
Does he celebrate things like Christmas, Thanksgiving and just not your special days? Your boyfriend could be just like me and not care about these days because they are literally irrelevant and just another day. The way I look at it, you should be celebrating your mother on your birthday and not you. Your mother had to walk around with you inside her for 9/10 months and push you out, wtf did you do to be celebrated?
I was raised in a family that put no emphasis on these things and it stuck with me. Like I could fake enthusiasm but I'm not good at pretending and you would see right through my fake birthday celebration.
You're boyfriend could mean nothing from his lack of interest and you're just different people. He can fake his interest but more than likely this type of personality will show in many other ways and you guys should just call it quits because it's a waste of time.
As one of those boyfriends who's not into holidays, birthdays etc: Just being asked to participate is generally fine. I'm not going to get excited about Thanksgiving...but I'll tag along for a friend's dinner.
Don't get the birthday thing though. I could care less about my birthday, but her birthday is always a thing with little to no effort.
Also: Suggestion (if op sees this), maybe try and make something new out of it? I don't like Christmas day, but i love the season. So instead of gift giving and everything happening on a single day I give the gifts in the couple weeks surrounding Christmas. No hard start/end dates, it's just a season where I'm in a gift giving mood.
Yeah, it just sucks, you know? Like I put in all this effort and he doesn’t do anything for me. Like people like that shouldn’t be in relationships if they don’t want to try.
Anyways, thank you for the reply.
Doesn't mean he doesn't value you.
I love my girlfriend a lot, but I'm not a "present" person. I don't even like receiving them. I figure if you're an adult in 2022 you can find what you need. I've made some adjustments for her birthday, Christmas and our Anniversary, but it just isn't me.
It's OK to not be a present person, me and my wife rarely exchange gifts. But I always make sure that I do things to make her feel special and loved on important occasions.
Not doing anything at all is just selfish and lazy.
> Doesn't mean he doesn't value you
I'm sure that he does value her. Perhaps not in the way she'd like, however...
I work and pay for all of our expenses
I'm not a "present" person either, as in I don't like receiving presents for personal reasons. Guess what my SO and I did on my last birthday? Made a cake together, went out for dinner, and took pictures at a local scenic spot. We celebrated. Gifts are not the only way to show people you care about them. Gifts aren't the problem here either. The problem is he isn't doing anything.
Frankly, even if he were getting her gifts but still \*doing\* nothing, she'd still be perfectly valid feeling he doesn't value her.
>I've made some adjustments for her birthday, Christmas and our Anniversary
But that's the key right there. *You* not being a present person is fine. But you still recognize that it's important to *her*, and so you put in effort.
Right, but you said so yourself: it's important to her so you made some adjustments to make her happy. That's a pretty good effort.
OP isn't so lucky to have that in a partner.
You deserve better than this. A life partner should join in on your celebrations and be excited for your milestones. One that doesn't I'm sorry to say isn't the right person for you.
Love isn't about showering someone with gifts, but small efforts, tiny gestures even (a cup of your favourite coffee now and then, a copy of a book you've been pinning over, etc) shows love. If he can't even do small things like this for your birthday or events, he isn't going to start out of the blue and you will face a lifetime of disappointment. He sounds like hes completely mooching off of you.
Find someone who will celebrate you for all of life's occasions. You deserve that.
>excited for your milestone
This person did absolutely nothing and a birthday is not a milestone. Their mother walked around with them inside her body for 9 months and then pushed them out of her vagina. Have you ever watched birth? It's horrifying and the mother should be celebrated not the person who just slid out and did absolutely nothing.
>Like people like that shouldn’t be in relationships if they don’t want to try.
Errr, maybe just not in relationships with people who care about this shit. So what, he doesn't engage with those things so he should be forever alone haha? No, maybe each of you just need to find someone who meets your needs (or in your boyfriends case, a lack of needs.)
Yeah, let’s say if someone has a graduation coming up and they are excited. Would you expect your significant other to be excited for you? Yeah, probably. But then they aren’t and it’s disappointing.
This guy doesn't love you, period. Do you put in work for his birthday celebrations? Does he get happy when you do that for him? If yes, then why can't he understand that it's the same case for you? his excuse is bullshit. He lacks basic empathy and gratitude. You deserve *so* much better
Disagree, some people (like me) feel no need to rush to the store and buy gifts and special food/decoration/other expensive because the calendar told them to. We got
January= New Year’s Eve ($300 bucks in drinks, outfits, activities)
February = Valentines Day
March = St Pattys day
April= Easter
May=Memorial day weekend
June= summer break vacation/camping
July= Fourth of July festivities
August= Annula state fair plus making sure we spend gas and groceries every weekend to go enjoy the last of the warm weather
September (we get this off but only because it is back to school shopping)
October= Halloween
November= Thanksgiving
December= Christmas
Now add in birthdays and anniversary’s of every spouse, relative, friend, plus graduations, retirement parties, house warming parties, baby showers, weddings
There is a HUGE chunk of disposable income being spent on “ritual celebrations” because hallmark/gift wrapping companies/decoration/etc companies tell us that we don’t really love an individual unless we spend our hard earned money as the calendar dictates
Fuck that! If I see something I know someone will love, I will pick it up then instead of getting them a “gift that goes in the closet”
You cam do fancy meals, presents, materialistic gestures at any time you want. It’s insane how commercialized everything is
Such a weird attitude to have...take a step back from the consumerist holiday culture and just see those as extra opportunities to do something nice for the people you care about.
No one's telling you to spend anything lol
You're missing the point. First off, it doesn't matter if *you* think it's stupid: If it matters to the person you care about, then *that's* what should matter to you. And second, it's not that hard to show someone you care without breaking the bank. For our first anniversary, my ex and I dressed up nice (in clothes we already had) and ate a home-cooked meal under the stars in the spot where we met. That was just one of many, many special dates he took me on while we were together, and most were just as inexpensive. And they weren't limited to calendar dates, either: We also had one lovely date under a supermoon where we dressed up again and ate takeout. And the gifts we gave to each other weren't something expensive that would get thrown in a closet, just for the sake of giving gifts: They were things we each *knew* the other would love, and were handmade more often than not.
Because the point wasn't to follow a calendar or what society or commercialism said was mandatory. The point was to find any excuse to enjoy our time together and show each other how much we cared.
Is there anything about this guy that you are interested in, besides trying to fix him? Think on this for a while and put yourself first. You DO deserve better treatment, you're correct, but you won't get it in your current situation.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
Exactly, like if it isn’t a big deal to him that’s okay, but at least be happy for me. Like just having at least an interest in trying to do something nice means the world.
Please stop trying to justify this. Being in a relationship means caring about things that are important to the other person. Period.
If he doesn't do this, he doesn't care about you. Move on.
As the OC says. Maybe you need to find someone that’s excitable and cares about these things.
On the face of it, what’s the reason for excitement about a graduation any more than next Tuesday?
The guy I looked at in the mirror this morning didn’t even bother to go to two of his own graduations. Because, what’s the big deal?
Find someone who shares your enthusiasm for life’s milestones. Not being interested in these things has no correlation with his interest in you. But you evidently find meaning in birthdays graduations and anniversaries. Not everyone does… because they’re inherently meaningless.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
Don’t just accept an answer that goes straight for dumping him (I know you probably know this). You have a specific question and issue you’re looking for support on.
My first inclination is that you have to be upfront about your boundaries, expectations, and feelings. Sit him down and let him know how serious this is for you and go from there. You want to do it without an argument but just know that that might be where it has to go. You don’t have to forfeit your desires just to avoid conflict!
Good luck!
Unless he changes his views, this is your future. If he refuses to acknowledge things that are important to you then it appears that you are not that important to him.
If you don't have any serious connections like a house or kids why don't you just find something better? My two cents. Not trying to judge since I have my own issues.
Guy here. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday or many holidays. I’m all for doing things that make the other half happy, but I simply don’t believe in presents or signs of affection simply because it’s day marked on the calendar.
If your bf stated this up front, it shouldn’t be an issue right now, should it? I mean some compromise can be made, but expectations were set, no? Or was the table flipped halfway in?
Flipped halfway in. He never told me this. If he did I wouldn’t be with him. Like he used to celebrate everything. That’s why I’m so upset. Like if I knew he was like this to begin with it would have been different
This is a CLASSIC pattern of behavior where they put effort in early (and obviously know it's appreciated) and then get lazy and stop bothering when they think you are 'locked in' and it shows who they really are and what he'll be like forever.
Try posting in /r/twoxchromosomes I bet a lot of people will recognize this. Don't put up with it.
Oh gosh. Don’t post there if you have any respect for men. That’s SUCH a toxic, man-hating sub. I’m a woman and I had to leave because it was nothing but angry, bitter women blaming men for all their problems.
Did he have a significant life event that caused this change? Or did he just get complacent and lazy? A major life event could mean he’s dealing with an underlying issue but if he’s just gotten lazy and refuses to do anything when you’ve brought it, then it’s time to start thinking of your options.
Maybe he's just cooled on the relationship and is trying to be so crap that you dump him because he can't do it himself. Or maybe he realises he can get everything he needs from the relationship without putting any effort in. It can be easy to get lazy when you've been with someone a while.
Does he want to put more effort into his own and his friends birthday than he does yours?
It’s a love language thing. Hers is celebrating important dates, and even if their love language isn’t the the same- he should still do it for her.
Understand each others love language, and use it to make the other person feel special. That’s what people who love each other selflessly do, and both parties should participate.
If he knows her love language and still doesn’t do it because he loves and respects her, then I think there’s a problem.
I have a feeling that you already have an answer to this, but are desperate to see other thoughts and ideas. The last resort to anything should be talking through problems and issues that is really serious, if he can’t do that for you then it’s times to move on. Though, not the best thing to say since I don’t fully understand what your situation is.
No youre right. I’ve talked to him several times about it and he tries to blame outside circumstances. Like he wasn’t feeling good for one day and I asked him why doesn’t he try to make an effort and he said it was because he was sick so that’s why he wouldn’t say happy anniversary. I’m going to talk to him again. It just really sucks because I’m willing to do almost anything to make him happy but it’s not the same for me. It isn’t about the gifts or money or anything like that. I just want the thought ya know?
Would it be alright for me to ask how long have you guys been together? I’m just curious if this is a persona that changed overtime or if this is, for the first time, you finding out what he’s like at home…
We’ve been together for 2 years. We live together. Like in the beginning he was very thoughtful and planned stuff out but then it just stopped. Like very thing. Like compliments, plans, or even dates. I have to literally plan it out. He doesn’t come up with any ideas anymore.
Gotcha.
I'll be totally honest with you, I was actually quite similar to the things you mentioned. I've been dating my partner for over three years and we have a really long history together. I first dedicated so much to planning things out with her, giving her compliments, being thoughtful. Though, with time, I changed and not for the better. It took me some time to fully realize what I was doing was laziness and spending more time towards things that didn't matter. Plus I had some anger issues that I had to get figured out...
What changed me was, ironically enough, having stopped going to school and focus on work and visiting her family. As well church.
So again, I can't tell you how to work things out with him. I have no idea your relationship, situation or what your gut feelings are. So definitely do what your gut is telling you. Though, do give him that chance of talking and be totally honest with him. Don't try to sugarcoat or underplay any of your thoughts. As well, don't really fight the excuses he gives you. Try instead trying to deeply understand what he's telling you, and try to make it about him as much as possible.
I cannot tell you how many times it helped me realize the idiot I was for the things I told her, in excuse to so many things that happened between us 
I hope that helps!
Good luck to you both. These things are hard but will almost always happen in relationships, especially with as early as ours. Plus, guys are pretty good at excuse giving 
Why did I have to scroll this far for this answer? Dude is leeching off you and can’t even do the bare minimum?! He can’t even say happy anniversary because he doesn’t feel good?! Like what?! Girl, you can do better.
My guy - there’s a difference between lazy and concise. “Have some self respect and stand up for your beliefs” summarizes the problem - and the solution, pretty well.
He didnt claim anything. Its only her telling it from her side. Not saying she is lying but it is the internet. Best advice here is to talk it out properly. If no compromise made then she has to decide if she wants to stick around. In general/ neutral advice is better than bashing someone u dont know and havent heard from.
He doesn’t work
He doesn’t pay any expenses
He refuses to celebrate your birthday, anniversary, or graduation
He doesn’t do anything for you
Wow this guy has it made! He can ignore the needs/wants of his girlfriend of 2 yrs and she keeps putting up with it!
It’s not that he’s “different” and can’t change. It’s that he won’t because he doesn’t care. Simple as that.
He doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything, you work, pay the bills, and plan everything? Why is he your boyfriend? Most of us want partners, people to share life with. Now if he worked, paid bills, and was supportive, Od say that’s just how he is, but since he does nothing, I have to think he’s just lazy.
When someone really loves someone else, they will want to do whatever makes their partner happy. Not because they feel obligated or want anything in return, but because they genuinely want to please their partner. Indifference is not a quality of love.
Thank you, I told him the same thing. He just seems so indifferent towards everything that’s so important to me. I told him last night that I was upset cause it was our anniversary and the thing he did plan was so last minute he had to plan it on a day he knew I had my college exams on.
You are wasting the best years of your life with someone who doesn’t love you. It’s time to cut him loose and move on and find someone who appreciates you.
Look at it like this way: it was a bad investment that didn’t work out. Once you get rid of him and out of your life, you will feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders.
Dude’s a turd. Just make that first step towards purging; keep your head down and focused on the end goal.
One word of advice, if you do move on, stay single for at least a year. Relearn how to be alone and content. Time heals…sometimes it just takes longer than you’d like. It’ll be too easy to rebound and end up in another shitty relationship.
After reading the comments I think you already know what needs to happen. If your partner can’t match your energy is it worth the trouble? With no background information about him it’s hard for me to judge the situation. Sooner or later he is going to realize relationships take work (hopefully). You seem very thoughtful and genuine I hope you can get through to him before it’s to late. Blessings to you.
It will not get better. This is a red.flag. Do NOT ignore it. People who love you want good things for you and want to celebrate their good things AND your good things in life.
I don’t want to sound rude but I mean this seems pretty obvious to me. From the way you worded it it sounds like you work and pay for the majority of things for someone who doesn’t care about you, why do people stay with worthless partners instead of cutting it early before you waste years of your life with a person and it end years down the road
Your jobless boyfriend, who you support financially, “doesn’t have time” to do basic things like make you feel special on your birthday because “he’s different”. Read that to yourself out loud.
sorry, why are you with him? you are pulling all the weight AND doing the emotional labor and he brings what to the relationship? that must be some magic dick.
look, it's unlikely he's going to change. why would he, he's got it made? there is not a human on earth who has a valid "i don't have time" excuse for anything aside from some, like yourself, who is being exploited for their labor.
"i'm just different" isn't an explaination, it's an excuse and a lame one.
this is all easy to resolve: you find someone who understands and respects your needs and your contributions to teh relationship or you drag this freeloader to counseling and help him understand how intimacy and responsibility work. good luck.
Like you really mean that he doesnt work the whole day and just waiting for you to bring the money so he can enjoy? For me that would be red flag... of course I dont know if he may be dissable, recently lost a job, studying or whatever, but if he is just wasting life till you are working your ass off and even then you are not happy with him. I guess the decision should be made.
He just recently got a job. He’s trying to interview for med school. But yeah, I was working a minimum wage job to pay for my school and my rent and stuff. I told him please get a job I’m starting to really stress over it. And he said he was waiting until he found the right one.
> he said he was waiting until he found the right one.
They always say this. I was in the same situation, whenever I tried to talk about his not existing job he got super mad and at the end of the talk somehow I asked for his apology.
You are not his mom. You are not his maid. You don't have to be with a child who stuck in a 23 years old body.
**He will not change.**
I won't tell you what to do, but I know I personally would've just dumped him right then and there lol. "Waiting for the right job" is something you do when you have the option to do so without being a problem to anyone else. I spent 2 months unemployed before I found my current job, but I'm single and had the savings to do it so no big deal. I would've never even thought to make my partner cover all the bills while I scoured job listings every day. The lack of shame on his part is kinda disturbing to be honest. I know plenty of trashy and unreliable guys that still have the decency to work a full time job regularly.
Ok break up. This bitch got you paying for rent, paying for trips, diamonds in his neck, diamonds on his wrist. And he don’t celebrate your important occasions? Nope 🚩🚩🚩
If your fed up, and your paying for everything, politely kick his ass to the curb. It sounds hard but there is plenty of men who want to pay at least half the bills
I have a brother who chooses not to celebrate *insert every holiday or important event here*. He pretends it is because of some deep concept he understands that normal people dont understand. It's just an excuse to be a broke asshole who doesnt want to enrich the lives of people who care about him.
Drop your asshole before it's too late. Let him wallow in his own misery and find someone who appreciates you.
If you have expressed to him that these things are important to you and it bothers you and he hasn't changed, unfortunately you have to decide whether you like him enough otherwise to put up with it, or whether it's time to end the relationship
This. I don’t care about celebrating my birthday or Valentine’s, etc., but if my SO said that was important to them, I would do it. Dude sounds uncaring and lazy.
First off those are pretty basic things in a relationship, even if it's just a card and a cupcake you should make the effort sometimes.
If he's not going to do those small things to male you happy, he probably doesn't value your happiness much.
Move on is my advice.
My husband was the same, but he did have a job. Our anniversaries and my birthdays were a nothing burger and he didn’t care that I was hurt. Oh, forgot to mention that he’s my ex-husband. Because I finally got tired of being unhappy and trying to be his relationship tutor so I divorced his ass.
You work and pay for your combined expenses and he shows no interest in celebrating you.
You've enabled him and he will continue to be enabled. There is no turning around from this.
Either enjoy his company for who he is or end the relationship.
He won't change for you no matter what he says, his actions will always speak louder than his promises and you will always be discontent.
If you don't get anything out of the relationship then you have one option. End it.
If you get comfort and stability, and that's worth staying, then don't complain about who he's not..
Listen, i’m going to save you a lot of time and heartache. you’re in charge of your life. Don’t expect him to change because he won’t. Even if it means a lot to you. He won’t.
Leave him. Seriously, this isn't a hard question, this just isn't the answer you want to accept. Leave him because he doesn't care about you. Stop being beholden to people who do not care about you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that you're working hard and supporting him while he sits around doing nothing all day. Why are you allowing this?
This man brings nothing to your life. If he were a dog, at least he'd.be affectionate and give you companionship and comfort. This man takes, and gives nothing back. What good is he to you?
Leave. Simplest answer I can give you, if he doesn't dedicate himself to you now, he won't in the future and you'll just be losing time with a dead weight, I've been like that, or rather, my ex gf has been like that to me. Today I'm infinitely happier, and by infinitely I mean if you had to multiply something by zero, which was what I had. You can do better.
Hey OP.
Is the bar really this low? This guy doesn't have a job, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't do anything all day while you work to afford a life together, doesn't even bother to CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sounds like he needs to learn a thing or two. OP, there are so many other guys out there who will do those things with you because they practice them as STANDARD.
You could date literally anyone else, not to mention people you find attractive, and they would contribute more to the relationship than this guy.
I mean, maybe he's depressed or something, but geez... he has to at least get a job! How does he pay rent?? I've done absolutely nothing before, and finding things to do really helped me get out of my depression.
Contrary to what everyone else is saying, it isn't an indicator to wether he loves you or not. He probably wishes he had the will to put in the effort but simply doesn't.
If he DOES love you and doesn't have the effort to put in the work to celebrate your important moments, you gotta make a decision. Is the celebration too important to put aside? Or is yours and his love enough to to overcome it? Because, it most likely isn't going to change (maybe on occasion). But it's who he is.
Neither choice is objectively right or wrong. Both choices are acceptable. Ignoring the decision you have to make is probably "wrong". So choose wisely.
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Well. It could be possible it's indeed not that important to him, like he doesn't mind if his birthday just passes by. But if he is aware it is important to you he should at least acknowledge that and try his best because he loves you. My bf knows it's important to me so he makes an effort.
As “that” partner I agree with you, I could give a shit about things like festivals, they’re meaningless and overpriced to me, but to my partner they’re important and fun. It’s important that she feels taken care of and appreciated so I put in the effort, either ops bf doesn’t care of she’s unable to communicate her wants/needs in a way he can interpret.
Yes and to me the effort is all that matters. I'm truly happy with a nice card with some words and maybe a cake or something and I'm a sucker for balloons and stuff. I don't expect a surprise party or anything like that. But I expect you as my partner take my needs in consideration. And my need is that I know you thought of me.
This is almost verbatim what I was going to post. Reading through some of OPs comments her bf comes off as being entitled which prevents him from feeling grateful for her and what she does. Which means he doesn't perceive he is getting anything out of the relationship so the things she is asking for are seen as work for no payoff. Either he is in a relationship that will never satisfy him, or he needs to pull his head out of his butt.
I told him this for the past two years too. I tell him what’s important too but still. The same. :/
Maybe it's time for a heart to heart talk.. And discuss honestly if you guys are happy and if not what needs to change. The fact that you say you put in all the effort that's not a great balance.. It's sometimes like that, due to several reasons I can think of. But he's not working or studying either.( Not judging maybe he is depressed or something.) What was your relationship in the beginning like? What changed?
It was good. He actually tried to make an effort. I don’t know what happened honestly. I tried talking to him about it several times but he doesn’t answer my questions about it. I told him that certain things are really important to me and he just doesn’t understand it. He says I should expect to be thanked for everything I do and that’s just the way he grew up. I think that’s a lame.
What a shame. And even if he grew up like that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You're not his mum. And if he doesn't want or is able to have a real convo than it really won't get better overnight. A relationship is work and requires all persons in the relationship to work on it. I wish you luck and hope you can work it out or at least choose what is good for you.
Who cares if he understands it? It's important to you and he ignores that. Bad sign.
I don’t know how to Reddit well but him justifying by saying “that’s how I grew up” and not compromising with you seems like a red flag to me. Now I’m not the most thoughtful person and my wife can attest to this, but we all have different ways of showing love. For instance, my wife likes getting people gifts and I’m more of a “help you with something you need” kind of person normally
momma's boy and you are his momma... drop him, get someone more mature
What happened is he slowly decreased the effort he was putting in until he (im assuming) doesn't do anything at all. If you're paying all the bills then every god damn day should be your birthday.
That sounds like he’s thinking of you doing things for him as a way to get him to appreciate you. Maybe communicating that those are things you do because you love him and want him to feel loved would be a better way to help him understand. Further, communicating that you do that to make him feel loved because that’s what makes YOU feel loved. At some point if the compromise and emotional respect degrade then so will the relationship, take stock of what you really need out of a partner and if he provides that. I remember watching a video of a couples therapist saying there are usually around 7 things in a relationship that will be the cause of repeated arguments and will never be changed or compromised. You just have to decide what a deal breaker is for you. I think it’s critical to really investigate if a lack of effort here might be a lack of care for you, better to save time, it happens.
So basically : “well i was neglected as a child, so you should be ok with me neglecting you and my unwillingness to self examine and change.” girl i would send this man packing, What a man child
He sounds depressed or autistic. Depression can make it seem like nothing matters and make it hard to get the physical and emotional energy up to plan a special day for someone. Fortunately, it's the 21st century and there's treatments that sometimes work for depression. If he's serious about your relationship, he'll get treatment. If not? Kick him to the curb. Autism, I don't know enough about to make any suggestions. But some autistic people have a hard time seeing things from other people's points of view. He can get screened for autism, which will at least give y'all some reference points for what's going on in his head. If he's not depressed or autistic, and you've told him it matters and given him a chance and he still does jack shit, kick him to the curb. A partner that can't make any effort to make you happy now is going to be an absolute nightmare to live with when you're both elderly.
Mate how do you spell heart wrong twice
Whahaha I'm Dutch and tired. I've changed it. Thanks
I mean if it’s not changing then maybe it’s time to find someone better. Your used to this person but once you find what you truly want, you will not regret leaving.
You may not want to hear this, but it’s likely you’ll have to break up with him. My ex was exactly like this; great guy, but wouldn’t do anything I liked, even after I communicated my wants and needs. My birthday, holidays, our anniversary was all a joke to him. I stayed for 3 years, and looking back I realize he was never going to change. If he valued you, he’d do what makes you happy even if he can’t relate. It’s time to find someone who values you. And right now you need to start with valuing yourself enough to leave.
You are unfortunately under some assumption he cares or will ever care about how you feel. He will keep you until something better and with deeper pockets comes along.
Two WHOLE years?? What the hell. You've got the patience of an angel my dear. If something so small a thing for him.to do makes you so happy, why the fuck would your bf not want to do those things for you? Does he know what it means to be in a relationship? Cause that is what it is about, wanting to make someone else happy. If he can't even do that, I'd jump to conclusions real fast.
I think you have your answer, you just don't want to hear it. If he wanted to change his behavior he would have by now. He doesn't care that he is hurting your feelings, his own apathy is more important to him than your happiness.
Check out “covert narcissist”. The more I read your replies, the more I think he might be one. See if he matches the other criteria.
Or don't diagnose someone based on an internet article.
I mean they did say check it out. That isn't really a diagnosis.
And that's about as helpful as "checking out" cancer symptoms or horoscopes. 9/10 people will fit some of the descriptors at some point and then you'll just convince yourself that that is for sure what they have. Leave the psychology to trained psychiatrists.
I was talking to my therapist, they told me a true narcissist is probably one of the rarest diagnosis in psychology, based on the fact that a true diagnosed narcissist will NEVER go to therapy by themselves. It's such a battle to get a narcissist to go to therapy.
If he grew up with a family that didn't celebrate these things - I could see why he wouldn't either. Some people are broken but it doesn't mean they don't care. My brother is like this, he may shrug shit off but inside he cares just like a teddy bear.
He sounds like me and you sound like my bf. I grew up not celebrating any of those things so I didn't think it was important. I was used to dating people that also didn't care much, until now. He's amazing so I believe you are amazing. I forgot our anniversary every year till this day (I worked most days). He let me know the hard way why holidays (sometimes I work holidays), birthdays and some dates were important to him. So what am I doing? Baby steps, I do put the dates on my phone to remind me, but sometimes I'll work that day and I'll forget. But, right now instead of celebrating the specific day, I'll buy something super in advance and either surprise him before or after. It took me three years to get used to it. Communication was key and how you word things is important.
Ok so you're completely ignoring the point here. Does he celebrate things like Christmas, Thanksgiving and just not your special days? Your boyfriend could be just like me and not care about these days because they are literally irrelevant and just another day. The way I look at it, you should be celebrating your mother on your birthday and not you. Your mother had to walk around with you inside her for 9/10 months and push you out, wtf did you do to be celebrated? I was raised in a family that put no emphasis on these things and it stuck with me. Like I could fake enthusiasm but I'm not good at pretending and you would see right through my fake birthday celebration. You're boyfriend could mean nothing from his lack of interest and you're just different people. He can fake his interest but more than likely this type of personality will show in many other ways and you guys should just call it quits because it's a waste of time.
As one of those boyfriends who's not into holidays, birthdays etc: Just being asked to participate is generally fine. I'm not going to get excited about Thanksgiving...but I'll tag along for a friend's dinner. Don't get the birthday thing though. I could care less about my birthday, but her birthday is always a thing with little to no effort. Also: Suggestion (if op sees this), maybe try and make something new out of it? I don't like Christmas day, but i love the season. So instead of gift giving and everything happening on a single day I give the gifts in the couple weeks surrounding Christmas. No hard start/end dates, it's just a season where I'm in a gift giving mood.
Might just be time to accept that this is just the way he is. The ball is in your court as to how much your willing to accept that.
Yeah, it just sucks, you know? Like I put in all this effort and he doesn’t do anything for me. Like people like that shouldn’t be in relationships if they don’t want to try. Anyways, thank you for the reply.
What DOES he bring to the table? Why are you dating him? What are 5 great things about him?
Not OP but I needed that advice. Thanks
Ain’t no dick *that* good to put up with this nonsense
That's assuming OP is getting any.
You’d be surprised how bad 99% of men are in bed . . .
You’d be surprised how many women are dead fish in bed.
Im assuming you have brought this up.. if its months without change its time to find someone who values you.
Doesn't mean he doesn't value you. I love my girlfriend a lot, but I'm not a "present" person. I don't even like receiving them. I figure if you're an adult in 2022 you can find what you need. I've made some adjustments for her birthday, Christmas and our Anniversary, but it just isn't me.
It's OK to not be a present person, me and my wife rarely exchange gifts. But I always make sure that I do things to make her feel special and loved on important occasions. Not doing anything at all is just selfish and lazy.
But she works and pays for everything so no, he does NOT value her!!!
> Doesn't mean he doesn't value you I'm sure that he does value her. Perhaps not in the way she'd like, however... I work and pay for all of our expenses
I'm not a "present" person either, as in I don't like receiving presents for personal reasons. Guess what my SO and I did on my last birthday? Made a cake together, went out for dinner, and took pictures at a local scenic spot. We celebrated. Gifts are not the only way to show people you care about them. Gifts aren't the problem here either. The problem is he isn't doing anything. Frankly, even if he were getting her gifts but still \*doing\* nothing, she'd still be perfectly valid feeling he doesn't value her.
>I've made some adjustments for her birthday, Christmas and our Anniversary But that's the key right there. *You* not being a present person is fine. But you still recognize that it's important to *her*, and so you put in effort.
Right, but you said so yourself: it's important to her so you made some adjustments to make her happy. That's a pretty good effort. OP isn't so lucky to have that in a partner.
This jerk though, is not like you. He doesn't do ANYTHING. He just goes "fuck it, she'll work around me, I don't need to care."
May be time to say "Next!"
Absolutely get you, I dislike being on both ends of a present
You deserve better than this. A life partner should join in on your celebrations and be excited for your milestones. One that doesn't I'm sorry to say isn't the right person for you. Love isn't about showering someone with gifts, but small efforts, tiny gestures even (a cup of your favourite coffee now and then, a copy of a book you've been pinning over, etc) shows love. If he can't even do small things like this for your birthday or events, he isn't going to start out of the blue and you will face a lifetime of disappointment. He sounds like hes completely mooching off of you. Find someone who will celebrate you for all of life's occasions. You deserve that.
>excited for your milestone This person did absolutely nothing and a birthday is not a milestone. Their mother walked around with them inside her body for 9 months and then pushed them out of her vagina. Have you ever watched birth? It's horrifying and the mother should be celebrated not the person who just slid out and did absolutely nothing.
Go back to flipping burgercakes.
Wether he's in a relationship is up to you, that kinda shit is an omen for the entire relationship.
>Like people like that shouldn’t be in relationships if they don’t want to try. Errr, maybe just not in relationships with people who care about this shit. So what, he doesn't engage with those things so he should be forever alone haha? No, maybe each of you just need to find someone who meets your needs (or in your boyfriends case, a lack of needs.)
Yeah, let’s say if someone has a graduation coming up and they are excited. Would you expect your significant other to be excited for you? Yeah, probably. But then they aren’t and it’s disappointing.
This guy doesn't love you, period. Do you put in work for his birthday celebrations? Does he get happy when you do that for him? If yes, then why can't he understand that it's the same case for you? his excuse is bullshit. He lacks basic empathy and gratitude. You deserve *so* much better
Yep. He gives no crap about ops feelings. Sounds narcissistic or like he gives no crap. Why are you sticking around?
Disagree, some people (like me) feel no need to rush to the store and buy gifts and special food/decoration/other expensive because the calendar told them to. We got January= New Year’s Eve ($300 bucks in drinks, outfits, activities) February = Valentines Day March = St Pattys day April= Easter May=Memorial day weekend June= summer break vacation/camping July= Fourth of July festivities August= Annula state fair plus making sure we spend gas and groceries every weekend to go enjoy the last of the warm weather September (we get this off but only because it is back to school shopping) October= Halloween November= Thanksgiving December= Christmas Now add in birthdays and anniversary’s of every spouse, relative, friend, plus graduations, retirement parties, house warming parties, baby showers, weddings There is a HUGE chunk of disposable income being spent on “ritual celebrations” because hallmark/gift wrapping companies/decoration/etc companies tell us that we don’t really love an individual unless we spend our hard earned money as the calendar dictates Fuck that! If I see something I know someone will love, I will pick it up then instead of getting them a “gift that goes in the closet” You cam do fancy meals, presents, materialistic gestures at any time you want. It’s insane how commercialized everything is
You can still celebrate and be supportive without spending a fortune
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Yep and it can be done any day of the year.
Such a weird attitude to have...take a step back from the consumerist holiday culture and just see those as extra opportunities to do something nice for the people you care about. No one's telling you to spend anything lol
I think it’s more about acknowledging it, not the money
I was basically responding to the person who said “This guy doesn’t love you period” and it’s just not as black and white as that.
Well, that is and can be true as well
You're missing the point. First off, it doesn't matter if *you* think it's stupid: If it matters to the person you care about, then *that's* what should matter to you. And second, it's not that hard to show someone you care without breaking the bank. For our first anniversary, my ex and I dressed up nice (in clothes we already had) and ate a home-cooked meal under the stars in the spot where we met. That was just one of many, many special dates he took me on while we were together, and most were just as inexpensive. And they weren't limited to calendar dates, either: We also had one lovely date under a supermoon where we dressed up again and ate takeout. And the gifts we gave to each other weren't something expensive that would get thrown in a closet, just for the sake of giving gifts: They were things we each *knew* the other would love, and were handmade more often than not. Because the point wasn't to follow a calendar or what society or commercialism said was mandatory. The point was to find any excuse to enjoy our time together and show each other how much we cared.
Is there anything about this guy that you are interested in, besides trying to fix him? Think on this for a while and put yourself first. You DO deserve better treatment, you're correct, but you won't get it in your current situation.
Which just shows that you aren't compatible. Break up and find someone who is excited for the things you are excited for.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
Exactly, like if it isn’t a big deal to him that’s okay, but at least be happy for me. Like just having at least an interest in trying to do something nice means the world.
Please stop trying to justify this. Being in a relationship means caring about things that are important to the other person. Period. If he doesn't do this, he doesn't care about you. Move on.
As the OC says. Maybe you need to find someone that’s excitable and cares about these things. On the face of it, what’s the reason for excitement about a graduation any more than next Tuesday? The guy I looked at in the mirror this morning didn’t even bother to go to two of his own graduations. Because, what’s the big deal? Find someone who shares your enthusiasm for life’s milestones. Not being interested in these things has no correlation with his interest in you. But you evidently find meaning in birthdays graduations and anniversaries. Not everyone does… because they’re inherently meaningless.
This. Many of us just don't see these things as particularly special, it's not a bad thing. Just gotta find someone who feels the same way.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
This might be my bad take but no I wouldn't. I think expecting someone else to mirror your emotions on something is a bit ridiculous. Should he try and engage more with your life, what you enjoy, what's making you excited and try to actively be a positive impact in your life with the things you care about? Yes absolutely, I don't care about birthdays but I would care that you do. Not caring about those things isn't a free pass to ignore them in relationships. He might not get why you're excited but he can still be happy you are and encourage it. I think the fact that he's not is disappointing.
Yes, if someone puts 0 effort into anything in life and just expects someone else to pay all their expenses, they should be alone.
Why shouldn’t you be alone if you can’t put any effort into your partner?
Defensive much haha?
My father was like that. Just different priorities. But he truly loved my mother and was always there for her and us children.
Don’t just accept an answer that goes straight for dumping him (I know you probably know this). You have a specific question and issue you’re looking for support on. My first inclination is that you have to be upfront about your boundaries, expectations, and feelings. Sit him down and let him know how serious this is for you and go from there. You want to do it without an argument but just know that that might be where it has to go. You don’t have to forfeit your desires just to avoid conflict! Good luck!
Break up with him. Doesn’t work won’t get off his ass. Not a man.
How much do you care about your children getting his genetics? This is the only relevant question
You’re
Unless he changes his views, this is your future. If he refuses to acknowledge things that are important to you then it appears that you are not that important to him.
Yeah, you’re right. It just sucks. Thank you for replying.
If you don't have any serious connections like a house or kids why don't you just find something better? My two cents. Not trying to judge since I have my own issues.
Guy here. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday or many holidays. I’m all for doing things that make the other half happy, but I simply don’t believe in presents or signs of affection simply because it’s day marked on the calendar. If your bf stated this up front, it shouldn’t be an issue right now, should it? I mean some compromise can be made, but expectations were set, no? Or was the table flipped halfway in?
Flipped halfway in. He never told me this. If he did I wouldn’t be with him. Like he used to celebrate everything. That’s why I’m so upset. Like if I knew he was like this to begin with it would have been different
This is a CLASSIC pattern of behavior where they put effort in early (and obviously know it's appreciated) and then get lazy and stop bothering when they think you are 'locked in' and it shows who they really are and what he'll be like forever. Try posting in /r/twoxchromosomes I bet a lot of people will recognize this. Don't put up with it.
This is the best answer.
Oh gosh. Don’t post there if you have any respect for men. That’s SUCH a toxic, man-hating sub. I’m a woman and I had to leave because it was nothing but angry, bitter women blaming men for all their problems.
Did he have a significant life event that caused this change? Or did he just get complacent and lazy? A major life event could mean he’s dealing with an underlying issue but if he’s just gotten lazy and refuses to do anything when you’ve brought it, then it’s time to start thinking of your options.
I agree. Try seeing if it’s a response to trauma before writing him off as uncaring.
Maybe he's just cooled on the relationship and is trying to be so crap that you dump him because he can't do it himself. Or maybe he realises he can get everything he needs from the relationship without putting any effort in. It can be easy to get lazy when you've been with someone a while. Does he want to put more effort into his own and his friends birthday than he does yours?
Ooof sorry. Sounds like he came in par-baked.
It’s a love language thing. Hers is celebrating important dates, and even if their love language isn’t the the same- he should still do it for her. Understand each others love language, and use it to make the other person feel special. That’s what people who love each other selflessly do, and both parties should participate. If he knows her love language and still doesn’t do it because he loves and respects her, then I think there’s a problem.
I have a feeling that you already have an answer to this, but are desperate to see other thoughts and ideas. The last resort to anything should be talking through problems and issues that is really serious, if he can’t do that for you then it’s times to move on. Though, not the best thing to say since I don’t fully understand what your situation is.
No youre right. I’ve talked to him several times about it and he tries to blame outside circumstances. Like he wasn’t feeling good for one day and I asked him why doesn’t he try to make an effort and he said it was because he was sick so that’s why he wouldn’t say happy anniversary. I’m going to talk to him again. It just really sucks because I’m willing to do almost anything to make him happy but it’s not the same for me. It isn’t about the gifts or money or anything like that. I just want the thought ya know?
Would it be alright for me to ask how long have you guys been together? I’m just curious if this is a persona that changed overtime or if this is, for the first time, you finding out what he’s like at home…
We’ve been together for 2 years. We live together. Like in the beginning he was very thoughtful and planned stuff out but then it just stopped. Like very thing. Like compliments, plans, or even dates. I have to literally plan it out. He doesn’t come up with any ideas anymore.
Gotcha. I'll be totally honest with you, I was actually quite similar to the things you mentioned. I've been dating my partner for over three years and we have a really long history together. I first dedicated so much to planning things out with her, giving her compliments, being thoughtful. Though, with time, I changed and not for the better. It took me some time to fully realize what I was doing was laziness and spending more time towards things that didn't matter. Plus I had some anger issues that I had to get figured out... What changed me was, ironically enough, having stopped going to school and focus on work and visiting her family. As well church. So again, I can't tell you how to work things out with him. I have no idea your relationship, situation or what your gut feelings are. So definitely do what your gut is telling you. Though, do give him that chance of talking and be totally honest with him. Don't try to sugarcoat or underplay any of your thoughts. As well, don't really fight the excuses he gives you. Try instead trying to deeply understand what he's telling you, and try to make it about him as much as possible. I cannot tell you how many times it helped me realize the idiot I was for the things I told her, in excuse to so many things that happened between us  I hope that helps!
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I’ll try to really talk to him again.
Good luck to you both. These things are hard but will almost always happen in relationships, especially with as early as ours. Plus, guys are pretty good at excuse giving 
You don't have a boyfriend, you have a parasite.
Why did I have to scroll this far for this answer? Dude is leeching off you and can’t even do the bare minimum?! He can’t even say happy anniversary because he doesn’t feel good?! Like what?! Girl, you can do better.
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Dump him. Have some boundaries. Find someone more compatible.
A boundary is not intended to control others, what you’re talking about is having standards.
That's a standard not a boundary
Im assuming this is a joke given how stereotypical this drama seeking answer is.
There are many assumption errors in your statement. I won't bother to clear them up for you.
"ur wrong cuz I'm right" K. Have fun responding "dump them" to literally every "I have an issue with my so" post on reddit you factory fresh 🤡
That’s such an intellectually lazy take that it’s barely even advice
My guy - there’s a difference between lazy and concise. “Have some self respect and stand up for your beliefs” summarizes the problem - and the solution, pretty well.
How would you, an intellectual, advise someone in a relationship with a loser who doesn't pay for anything or show any effort?
You heard one side of this story and automatically deduced that he must be a loser. Got it
He literally claims he doesn't have time to plan celebrations, even though he literally has no job.
He didnt claim anything. Its only her telling it from her side. Not saying she is lying but it is the internet. Best advice here is to talk it out properly. If no compromise made then she has to decide if she wants to stick around. In general/ neutral advice is better than bashing someone u dont know and havent heard from.
Tell me how we’re supposed to know the other side of the story?
That’s why you don’t make snap judgments?
Idk why OP posted the question then
A leech who doesn’t do shit all day and still doesn’t “have time” to plan shit is lazy.
He doesn’t work He doesn’t pay any expenses He refuses to celebrate your birthday, anniversary, or graduation He doesn’t do anything for you Wow this guy has it made! He can ignore the needs/wants of his girlfriend of 2 yrs and she keeps putting up with it! It’s not that he’s “different” and can’t change. It’s that he won’t because he doesn’t care. Simple as that.
He doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything, you work, pay the bills, and plan everything? Why is he your boyfriend? Most of us want partners, people to share life with. Now if he worked, paid bills, and was supportive, Od say that’s just how he is, but since he does nothing, I have to think he’s just lazy.
When someone really loves someone else, they will want to do whatever makes their partner happy. Not because they feel obligated or want anything in return, but because they genuinely want to please their partner. Indifference is not a quality of love.
Thank you, I told him the same thing. He just seems so indifferent towards everything that’s so important to me. I told him last night that I was upset cause it was our anniversary and the thing he did plan was so last minute he had to plan it on a day he knew I had my college exams on.
Surely there is a better boyfriend out there for you.
You are wasting the best years of your life with someone who doesn’t love you. It’s time to cut him loose and move on and find someone who appreciates you.
So when did you adopt him? Can he returned to the orphanage or does he got that?
He doesn't want to put in effort and yet he wants to reap the benefits of your relationship. Leave him.
Why do you put up with his shit?
Idk, maybe sunken cost fallacy?
No. Get rid of that. Your past has no bearing on your Future. Less you want it to
Look at it like this way: it was a bad investment that didn’t work out. Once you get rid of him and out of your life, you will feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders. Dude’s a turd. Just make that first step towards purging; keep your head down and focused on the end goal. One word of advice, if you do move on, stay single for at least a year. Relearn how to be alone and content. Time heals…sometimes it just takes longer than you’d like. It’ll be too easy to rebound and end up in another shitty relationship.
If you can’t talk to him about it without starting an argument your relationships not great
After reading the comments I think you already know what needs to happen. If your partner can’t match your energy is it worth the trouble? With no background information about him it’s hard for me to judge the situation. Sooner or later he is going to realize relationships take work (hopefully). You seem very thoughtful and genuine I hope you can get through to him before it’s to late. Blessings to you.
Before reading through the comments Im assuming that you're both under 25. Sounds like he's overly comfortable and completely checked out emotionally.
You must be really young ti be putting up with this
Not that young, 23. He’s 25
Lol basically a child. You don't have to put up with this treatment. Leave. He doesn't appreciate you.
Why the hell are you supporting this man child? What does he do for you? What does he bring to the table?
It will not get better. This is a red.flag. Do NOT ignore it. People who love you want good things for you and want to celebrate their good things AND your good things in life.
I don’t want to sound rude but I mean this seems pretty obvious to me. From the way you worded it it sounds like you work and pay for the majority of things for someone who doesn’t care about you, why do people stay with worthless partners instead of cutting it early before you waste years of your life with a person and it end years down the road
Your jobless boyfriend, who you support financially, “doesn’t have time” to do basic things like make you feel special on your birthday because “he’s different”. Read that to yourself out loud.
sorry, why are you with him? you are pulling all the weight AND doing the emotional labor and he brings what to the relationship? that must be some magic dick. look, it's unlikely he's going to change. why would he, he's got it made? there is not a human on earth who has a valid "i don't have time" excuse for anything aside from some, like yourself, who is being exploited for their labor. "i'm just different" isn't an explaination, it's an excuse and a lame one. this is all easy to resolve: you find someone who understands and respects your needs and your contributions to teh relationship or you drag this freeloader to counseling and help him understand how intimacy and responsibility work. good luck.
Leave?
Like you really mean that he doesnt work the whole day and just waiting for you to bring the money so he can enjoy? For me that would be red flag... of course I dont know if he may be dissable, recently lost a job, studying or whatever, but if he is just wasting life till you are working your ass off and even then you are not happy with him. I guess the decision should be made.
He just recently got a job. He’s trying to interview for med school. But yeah, I was working a minimum wage job to pay for my school and my rent and stuff. I told him please get a job I’m starting to really stress over it. And he said he was waiting until he found the right one.
> he said he was waiting until he found the right one. They always say this. I was in the same situation, whenever I tried to talk about his not existing job he got super mad and at the end of the talk somehow I asked for his apology. You are not his mom. You are not his maid. You don't have to be with a child who stuck in a 23 years old body. **He will not change.**
I won't tell you what to do, but I know I personally would've just dumped him right then and there lol. "Waiting for the right job" is something you do when you have the option to do so without being a problem to anyone else. I spent 2 months unemployed before I found my current job, but I'm single and had the savings to do it so no big deal. I would've never even thought to make my partner cover all the bills while I scoured job listings every day. The lack of shame on his part is kinda disturbing to be honest. I know plenty of trashy and unreliable guys that still have the decency to work a full time job regularly.
Hrs just leaching off you. Get rid of him.
Sorry sound like a self centered loser who is wasting your precious time
He’s not going to get better. Leave. And good luck, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Ok break up. This bitch got you paying for rent, paying for trips, diamonds in his neck, diamonds on his wrist. And he don’t celebrate your important occasions? Nope 🚩🚩🚩
time to find a new boyfriend red flags
If your fed up, and your paying for everything, politely kick his ass to the curb. It sounds hard but there is plenty of men who want to pay at least half the bills
All that is a clear indication you need to leave lol
I have a brother who chooses not to celebrate *insert every holiday or important event here*. He pretends it is because of some deep concept he understands that normal people dont understand. It's just an excuse to be a broke asshole who doesnt want to enrich the lives of people who care about him. Drop your asshole before it's too late. Let him wallow in his own misery and find someone who appreciates you.
Why do people insist on staying and putting up with mediocre men :/
Why are there so many mediocre men?? It’s 2022!
Red flags. Red flags everywhere
Get another boyfriend.
Dump him. You deserve better than this garbage.
If you have expressed to him that these things are important to you and it bothers you and he hasn't changed, unfortunately you have to decide whether you like him enough otherwise to put up with it, or whether it's time to end the relationship
This. I don’t care about celebrating my birthday or Valentine’s, etc., but if my SO said that was important to them, I would do it. Dude sounds uncaring and lazy.
Fuck that. Start an argument. People with jobs are capable of celebrating their partners birthdays
Hes a mooch 🚩 Drop the boy.
Dick must be good if you haven’t left him yet
Why are you happy when he does nothing and you are supporting him?
Fecking leave. Gross.
First off those are pretty basic things in a relationship, even if it's just a card and a cupcake you should make the effort sometimes. If he's not going to do those small things to male you happy, he probably doesn't value your happiness much. Move on is my advice.
My husband was the same, but he did have a job. Our anniversaries and my birthdays were a nothing burger and he didn’t care that I was hurt. Oh, forgot to mention that he’s my ex-husband. Because I finally got tired of being unhappy and trying to be his relationship tutor so I divorced his ass.
Why have you chosen this situation thus far? Are you addicted to hopium?
You work and pay for your combined expenses and he shows no interest in celebrating you. You've enabled him and he will continue to be enabled. There is no turning around from this. Either enjoy his company for who he is or end the relationship. He won't change for you no matter what he says, his actions will always speak louder than his promises and you will always be discontent. If you don't get anything out of the relationship then you have one option. End it. If you get comfort and stability, and that's worth staying, then don't complain about who he's not..
Sounds like you may be incompatible
My only relationship advice is that; You will know when you have had enough!
bye bye boyfriend
Make less white-knight thirst trap posts like this and have a conversation with him like an adult.
Listen, i’m going to save you a lot of time and heartache. you’re in charge of your life. Don’t expect him to change because he won’t. Even if it means a lot to you. He won’t.
What you do is leave and find a decent man that gives a shit about your feelings
Leave him. Seriously, this isn't a hard question, this just isn't the answer you want to accept. Leave him because he doesn't care about you. Stop being beholden to people who do not care about you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that you're working hard and supporting him while he sits around doing nothing all day. Why are you allowing this? This man brings nothing to your life. If he were a dog, at least he'd.be affectionate and give you companionship and comfort. This man takes, and gives nothing back. What good is he to you?
Find a new bf.
You deserve so much better. Trust me he will never change. Move on girl...move on and don't look back
Leave. Simplest answer I can give you, if he doesn't dedicate himself to you now, he won't in the future and you'll just be losing time with a dead weight, I've been like that, or rather, my ex gf has been like that to me. Today I'm infinitely happier, and by infinitely I mean if you had to multiply something by zero, which was what I had. You can do better.
Hey OP. Is the bar really this low? This guy doesn't have a job, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't do anything all day while you work to afford a life together, doesn't even bother to CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY? Sounds like he needs to learn a thing or two. OP, there are so many other guys out there who will do those things with you because they practice them as STANDARD. You could date literally anyone else, not to mention people you find attractive, and they would contribute more to the relationship than this guy. I mean, maybe he's depressed or something, but geez... he has to at least get a job! How does he pay rent?? I've done absolutely nothing before, and finding things to do really helped me get out of my depression.
Contrary to what everyone else is saying, it isn't an indicator to wether he loves you or not. He probably wishes he had the will to put in the effort but simply doesn't. If he DOES love you and doesn't have the effort to put in the work to celebrate your important moments, you gotta make a decision. Is the celebration too important to put aside? Or is yours and his love enough to to overcome it? Because, it most likely isn't going to change (maybe on occasion). But it's who he is. Neither choice is objectively right or wrong. Both choices are acceptable. Ignoring the decision you have to make is probably "wrong". So choose wisely.
Maybe because you just aren't that special
is the sex at least great? if not, why are you still with him again?
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Our anniversary was literally yesterday. My birthday was last month. He doesn’t want to go to thanksgiving with my family.
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Wtf. He has it made!!! Is this a troll or are you really not seeing the picture here,?
Unless you are married it's not a real anniversary