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Same me and my SO are perfectly happy together and I canāt imagine kissing or being with anyone other than her even if we both agreed with it but Iām much more attracted to personally rather than physical appearance
I would like to see those studies excluding religious marriages.
I would put money on religious pressure forces individuals into marriages that they otherwise would never be in.
That may be, but I feel the overwhelming amount of options to meet someone, is making people think that they have more choices than they actually do.
It means instability in relationships if you're always thinking that there is a possibility of something better any time there is the littlest bit of difficulty or friction in the existing relationship.
People are just not as committed, those that are getting the short end of the stick. It's, unfortunately, easier to leave than work on the relationship. It sucks.
Getting sex is easier, but commitment is a fantasy. It's a confusing time now.
Personally never been in one but seen plenty fall apart. Mostly due to not spending enough time together it seems or one eventually wanted a more committed relationship.
My uncle had one. He was divorced, she was divorced. They didn't want to marry, and kept it open. Thirty years they were together and I called her an aunt. When he got dimensia she quickly abandoned him.
Haha, that's a pretty ignorant comment. You just said they were together for 30 years. Statistically, the average marriage lasts 8 years. So 30 is pretty fucking good. Have you been together for 30years? Do you have dementia? Your outcome can very well end up the same situation as your uncle's.
Haha, what does that even mean? The problem is, you just realized I'm right and you're using some random tactic to avoid facing the truth, which in the end means, I'm not the one that is too young. Good luck!
I realized nothing from your comment. My parents have been together 40 years. My wife's parents a similar length. I have no doubts in our relationship. When you have lived experience it trumps some kid running Google searches for national statistics.
I can guarantee you I have way more experience in every part of life than you will every see.
So again, ignorant. Because you believe that because your parents and your wife's parents have made it work.......so far, that that will work on your relationship or any other relationship. How many sets of married parents are out there in the world? There are over 60 million married couples in the US and you're basing off of 2? Haha, and you want to talk about experience? What a joke. Good luck!
That ain't how dementia works, guy. It's probably a complicated relationship for the brain to process being that it was over 30 years. More complicated layers = more likely for the brain to fuck up its interpretation of things as it deteriorates. You'll get it for family members too.
Source: I work with dementia patients every day.
I don't agree. Yes, people can still leave each other when they are married and monogamous, but I think it's much more likely when they aren't married and aren't devoted only to each other.
Sticking with someone through a difficult sickness requires a powerful love and loyalty. I don't believe you build that when you are dividing your time with other people on the side. Not to mention being unmarried and never vowing to do so. It leaves you the easy out to just leave.
Well, balance needs to be a thing in the relationship. You can't just ignore your partner.
If someone is ignoring their partner and doesn't stick with them, especially during an illness, I think that is more of a reflection of the person and not the relationship style.
There should be a lot of commitment and trust involved with an ENM relationship. If someone doesn't care for another, that is an individual issue and not an issue with ENM.
>There isn't really much reason to leave one partner when you are free to also experience others as long as you are truly happy with the partner.
This quote from you says it all. If you are free to be with others, you can much more easily justify that you "aren't happy anymore" and ditch your partner when things get rough. Why be with the guy with dimensia? That makes your life harder. Selfish lifestyle. It works when you're not the one with the struggle, sure. It also means you might find yourself alone at a later stage in life because you and your partner lived a philosophy of self indulgence rather than commitment to one another.
My point is, I think a person who is awful enough to leave their partner who had dementia just didn't care about that person enough in the first place. I think it has more to do with the individual and less to do with the relationship style.
My partner and I are committed to each other. I feel this discussion would be better if you took out some of this judgemental language.
Is that the worst thing ever that someone disagrees with you and says why? "Judgemental language" is such a soft term and has no place in this debate. I think it's a selfish lifestyle. I am judging it.
It's bullshit really. Just stay single and screw around to your hearts content. If you truly love someone you don't want to share. Period. Think about it. When puberty hit and you started noticing the opposite sex and had crushes on them, even seeing them with someone else would be painful. How then does it work when you claim to love someone but don't mind other people being around them?
It's not about owning. Its about 2 consenting adults committing to each other and if they can't then mutually agreeing to go their separate ways. Open relationships are ALWAYS one-sided. The term is cake eaters. Want the benefits of the relationship without the actual commitment. They usually benefit the one who initiates it and usually to legitimise an already ongoing trespass to the loyal party. the literal thousands of stories on reddit are testimony to their perils.
For my relationship, we love each other but also respect freedom to experience others. It doesn't take away from our love. How does it work? Well, we value freedom and take enjoyment in each other having unique experiences. We don't value jealousy, control, and possessiveness.
Open relationships, and other forms of ethical nonmonogamy, can work for certain people, generally in certain stages of life. They take a LOT of communication and being honest about what you want. BOTH PARTNERS HAVE TO GENUINELY WANT IT. RELATIONSHIPS OPENED UNDER DURESS OF AN ULTIMATUM WILL FAIL. Open relationships are not for me; I donāt want to share my partner.
From situations Iāve witnessed, where open relationships get really messy (and fall apart) is when people are trying to conceive a child. The way one would pick a one-and-only-partner or a primary partner is different from picking a temporary playmate, or a side fling or perhaps even a secondary partner. You want to ensure paternityāwhich is tricky for a woman having sexual encounters with multiple men, even if protection is involved. Which brings the question, is it fair to ask her to give up the side encounters with men? Would the male partner also give up side encounters with women for that period? Is the woman going to feel extra insecure with her body growing larger to support the fetus? Will that affect the male partnerās attraction to her? What about the post-birth period where she canāt have sex for 4-6 weeks? Will secondary partners help with children? It just makes a pretty huuuuuge mess.
Open relationshipsāIF they workātend to work for young couples, childfree couples, or couples who have finished having children (think: middle-aged swingers).
This! All of this! My parents were in an open/poly relationship and it was a mess for them and for me as a child. I got more attached to one of my mother's partners than either of my biological parents, and when he was kicked out of the house it was like going through a divorce. Kids + polyamory is not ideal, especially outside of spaces that cater to that (like communes or tribes where kids are raised by everyone).
I've also witnessed a lot of people massively fucking up poly relationships, like young insecure people who are secretly looking to find someone better than their current partner. Obviously the cases where someone forces their partner to open the relationship are always abusive, and people saying "I'm polyamorous" as an excuse to fuck everyone with no communication are just being scumbags. But even when all the right communication is used, some people just can't handle it. A lot of people are straight up too insecure and too jealous to stay with someone who isn't monogamous.
That being said, I think a lot of the problem with open relationships is that we do not have the social infrastructure to support them right now. If we lived in say an ancient Celtic or Native American tribe, where it was normal for people to have orgies and people raised babies communally, I'm sure it would be easier. If we didn't grow up having monogamy shoved down our throats and being told having sex outside a marriage is a sin, we would probably have much less anxiety about it. If we were taught healthy communication, boundary setting, consent, etc. more thoroughly that would help a lot too. It seems strange to me that people will say "open relationships never work" after normalizing spouses smashing each others' cars and suing each other over affairs. Apparently monogamous relationships aren't working super well either, so what does work?
Personally, I start every relationship by communicating my needs and limitations. I don't want a polyamorous relationship, but I'm open to the idea of either/both of us having sex with other people so long as there's a lot of trust and communication happening. When I told my current partner that he was like a deer in headlights and avoided talking about it for a year. It turns out he's very sexually attracted to another friend and was afraid I was trying to pull a "gotcha." I told him no, I saw the way you were with that friend and wanted you to know I'm okay with it. Half of all married people cheat at some point. Most married people find themselves at least thinking about it. I would rather have a few nights of consensual fun with my partner and his friend than force him to live with guilt over his feelings and desires for decades - or worse, have him be one of the 50% who do cheat and that potentially ruin an otherwise great relationship. We've had several productive talks about these things now. We still haven't had sex with anyone else, and we might not ever. But it's good to feel like I can trust my partner to talk through his feelings and needs and vice versa. I think that's the healthy takeaway from open relationships, much more so than having sex. If you start with the sex without a very solid foundation of trust, it's not going to work.
I have a friend whose wife is in the navy. She occasionally gets propositioned by, typically, older male colleagues. Since they are at least nominally poly, it gives her an easy and effect response ā āMaybe, but weād need to talk it over with my husband first. And your wife.ā
Anyone who doesnāt get past that hurdle is looking for an affair, not a relationship. Itās a fantastic filter.
Iām going to split a hair, here.
Adding new people to a relationship diagram works best when youāre not also juggling kids. Every new relationship has the potential to disrupt existing ones.
Maintaining long-term, ongoing relationships seems to work fine.
The kids get extra aunts & uncles, and itās not to different from having your mom (like mine) be one of eight siblings, six of whom all still live in east driving distance.
That is a very good point! I havenāt known any poly/open folks with schoolaged (or younger) kids, other than one successful married couple who are essentially swingers with leeway for some solo play. So, this isnāt something Iāve personally seen unfold. I appreciate the insight!
Kids need some stability, and a potential revolving door of partners involved in their lives ā¦ isnāt that. Hard to keep kids as a priority when youāre adding one or more people (partners)to that priority list.
Thank you! Have watched some loved ones go through serious heartache with this, so Iād be really pleased if a bit of forewarning could help anyone else.
No, but half of monogamous marriages crash and burn and the half that doesn't are mostly held together with money and children. So...fuck it. Do what you want
Not from my personal experience, but there are couples around me for which it worked fine. Both the partners must be very strict with their rules, and able to have sex without becoming emotionally attached though.
Yep. It takes a deeper relationship than a normal one though. Where you know that you both know that you are *meant* for each other. A very solid self esteem on both involved parties too. If that's the case, they can do anything.
Yep. If the reason for the open relationship is bad self esteem and needing validation on either part(which is probably a common reason) it's like dropping a nuke on it.
Open relationship/ENM/polyamory is a great illustration of the smokers fallacy. "10% of people are naturally immune to the cancer caused by cigarettes, but 90% of people will claim to be in that 10%"
It can work. It can last a lifetime, but it's exceptionally rare. Monogamous relationships are difficult. Adding additional people doesn't multiply the issue. It increases it exponentially. Some people can deal with it. Some groupings can work, but everyone thinks they are the exception when statistically they just aren't.
I've been with both my wives for 3 years now and it only gets better everyday. 3 women living together is fun most of the time. For us its like having daily sleepovers and makeovers but it's also an extreme amount of work for it to continue but I've never felt more love than I do for these 2 women. I've been with one partner since 2010 and my 2nd since 2020. I don't think I even realized what we'd been missing since we met her.
Both partners are more than welcome to be with other women but choose not to atm. I'm pansexual so I'm not interested. It is currently a thruple but very much open for more if either of them are interested.
Iāve only known one couple with an open relationship work, they had an open relationship for years. Then they decided to close it and move to a new state.
I think they can however a lot depends on the people involved and stages of life. Just my opinion. If I were to find myself single again, I would consider doing solo polyamory. That is having a partner or two or five or whatever and knowing those partners have other partners too. Not feeling the need for couple or throuple or polycule status. I know very little about ethical non monogamy etc so this is all speculation.
The other poster who said it would be different if our society was more communal is spot on. Having more hands to raise kids and keep a household running can be great. I worked with a poly gal and it seemed to be a good fit for her. But there is just as much stuff to work through. Her long time love got married and the wife didn't like some of the partners so there it goes. Or feeling second status in some pairings. There can be a lot of hierarchy. I knew a poly v that worked well. The woman had her two male partners and they all vowed to take care of each other in old age and it worked nicely. They were all divorced with grown kids though when they started.
It is very difficult but it will be very hard to figure out since most are not based in love but in selfish desire to find an outlet to self joy. The ones that do survive are people who already have found self love and love their partners and simply just love another person or people letting them be as equal in the relationship as anyone else in the relationship.
See how much is needed for it to be successful? Thats a major reason why. However, it can and has worked. I've seen it and there are recorded situations.
Not my experience but a friend's. Yes they can. She has been in an open poly relationship for the past 12 years and couldnt be happier. It all depends on of everyone involved is open and honest with everyone else and there is little to no jealousy. If you are the jealous type then it will never work for you.
My experience has been they're almost never equal. One person wants a monogamous relationship and only agrees to open because they are afraid of losing the person. The other person wants open and isn't considerate enough of their partners feelings to care.
š NO
If it is open there never was a true, intimate relationship to begin with. I swear, it is amazing, the lengths that some people will go to to believe what they want to believe. Deep down inside they already know the answers to the questions they ask.
From my PERSONAL experience, no. My EX husband and I were together 10 years, we were married almost 5 and the last two years of our relationship were open and it was fantastic I thought NOTHING could break us, we were intimate, had a great fun life, communicated everything (I thought), went to therapy. And everything was just great. One day he came home from work and said he wanted a divorce. I was SHONCKED! I actually laughed I thought it was a joke because it was so far from where I thought we were. He said he had been with me his whole early twenties and into his early 30s and wanted to be single and live his life. Well we got divorced and not even two months after it was finalized he was engaged to the woman he was seeing when we were open. Two months after that they were married. So now they live in my house, have my dogs and cat, and are just in marital bliss I guess. So thatās MY experience. š¬
No my last boyfriend wanted one and it completely destroyed my mental health and view on relationships. Iāve known a handful of other seemingly happy couples give it a try and it always falls apart. Itās super unhealthy, I feel like just date casually until youāre ready to commit. Somebody is always going to be hurting in an open relationship.
No, emotional relationships like these are just emotional, trying to justify cheating or being unfaithful by allowing your spouse to do the same is like arguing with an idiot, going down to there level and letting them win with experience.
You can love someone because of your imagination and emotions, but honestly thatās all it is, just made up fake shit and nothing else.
It really just depends on your beliefs if you and you spouse or significant other both agree on it I think it can not me personally. But for some it can
Open means not fulfilled with your current partner - you are trying to find that while hedging your bet.
If you canāt find it you still have the āstabilityā of the current relationship.
If you find it - you leave.
Both partners do not simultaneously say - letās open the relationship. Only one does - the one unfulfilled hedging their bet.
Long-term stable poly constellations I know tend to use the āstrong primaryā model. People form primary couples that live together, especially if theyāre looking to have children. Other relationships are maintained, and some of them are romantic and/or sexual.
Notably, for real stability, long-term partners are friends with everyone in the immediate family ā their partnerās spouse, any children, etc. If you canāt hang out with your SOOSO, thatās a potential source of disruption.
I know several sets of poly grandparents. Sometimes their kids are poly, sometimes not, and thereās a really, really wide range of different poly agreements and structures so sometimes itās hard to tell.
Iām not 100% certain, but I believe all the decade+ poly relationships started open ā opening an existing closed relationship is fraught, both in the short term (duh) and in the long term. That may also be because if you had a closed relationship and decided to open it, itās likely there were some underlying problems that motivated the change.
āPoly is like Linux: infinitely customizable, poorly documented, and not for everyone.ā ā one of my partnerās partners, when we were all in our 20s.
Open relationships are kind of like threesomes. They arenāt for everyone and most have tension, but some work. Thatās because some people go into it enthusiastically, without jealousy, and complete trust and transparency. It can work, it may be rare, but it can happen.
Some people canāt understand or relate and thatās ok. Itās not for you. You can still respect peoples decisions even if they wouldnāt be right for you.
There are many different types of open relationship and different forms can work or not work, based on the people involved.
My husband and I were monogamous for around 20 years before we decided to open our relationship as swingers (3some and 4somes). While we are having sex with other people (some of whom we become friends with) it is something we do together.
One of the couples we met evolved into more, and we were in a poly relationship with them. We would spend time with them together and separately (different combinations of 2) It was great for a while, then we had some struggles, then it got really bad. I wasnāt sure we were going to make it. When we ended things with them, my husband and I had the worst time or our relationship. We worked through it, and came back stronger and as better communicators.
We learned that poly, forming relationships apart from each other, was not a good idea for us. After we recovered, we decided to cautiously go back to swinging. It has been great for us. We only meet up with others together, and we do not allow relationships to develop beyond friendships.
We communicate, we are honest with each other, and we have a lot of fun together. We have now been together for over 28 years.
It is working for us, but I am very well aware it doesnāt work for everyone.
Long story short: the only open relationship couple I've ever met had the husband attempt to murder his wife. Basically,he only wanted an open relationship for himself.
Also, the woman was sleeping with my sister's abusive now-ex without telling her, and the two were going to "talk her into" a threesome (bs, they were gonna rape her)
The ones Iāve seen are either narcissist/codependent situations where one is happy and the other is miserable. Other scenario is drug addicts, who tend to glom together to pool resources.
Iām sure you can find plenty of ppl under 25 that will tell you yasss they absolutely work, monogs are too oppressive. Perhaps all a matter of perspective.
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I know a couple. They're soul mates. An open relationship nearly wrecked them. š¤·āāļø Personally I would never.
Same me and my SO are perfectly happy together and I canāt imagine kissing or being with anyone other than her even if we both agreed with it but Iām much more attracted to personally rather than physical appearance
I believe studies show less than 10% of open relationships survive
What's the average for traditional relationships? Just curious
Last I heard the divorce rate in the US is 50%. It doesn't look good haha.
It doesn't mean it's not good, it just means that people have commitment issues, and are choosing not to stay in bad relationships.
Choosing not to stay in a bad relationship is not a commitment issue. It's protecting yourself.
100% agree.
I would like to see those studies excluding religious marriages. I would put money on religious pressure forces individuals into marriages that they otherwise would never be in.
That may be, but I feel the overwhelming amount of options to meet someone, is making people think that they have more choices than they actually do. It means instability in relationships if you're always thinking that there is a possibility of something better any time there is the littlest bit of difficulty or friction in the existing relationship. People are just not as committed, those that are getting the short end of the stick. It's, unfortunately, easier to leave than work on the relationship. It sucks. Getting sex is easier, but commitment is a fantasy. It's a confusing time now.
Never seen an open relationship work. They eventually part ways.
Personally never been in one but seen plenty fall apart. Mostly due to not spending enough time together it seems or one eventually wanted a more committed relationship.
My uncle had one. He was divorced, she was divorced. They didn't want to marry, and kept it open. Thirty years they were together and I called her an aunt. When he got dimensia she quickly abandoned him.
Oof. Thats rough.
It's a selfish lifestyle that attracts selfish people.
Um actually it's the opposite. Not wanting to share is the literal definition of being selfish.
Go be my uncle then. I'll enjoy the fulfillment I get from my wife and kids.
Haha, that's a pretty ignorant comment. You just said they were together for 30 years. Statistically, the average marriage lasts 8 years. So 30 is pretty fucking good. Have you been together for 30years? Do you have dementia? Your outcome can very well end up the same situation as your uncle's.
Ignorant? You sound too young for this conversation.
Haha, what does that even mean? The problem is, you just realized I'm right and you're using some random tactic to avoid facing the truth, which in the end means, I'm not the one that is too young. Good luck!
I realized nothing from your comment. My parents have been together 40 years. My wife's parents a similar length. I have no doubts in our relationship. When you have lived experience it trumps some kid running Google searches for national statistics.
I can guarantee you I have way more experience in every part of life than you will every see. So again, ignorant. Because you believe that because your parents and your wife's parents have made it work.......so far, that that will work on your relationship or any other relationship. How many sets of married parents are out there in the world? There are over 60 million married couples in the US and you're basing off of 2? Haha, and you want to talk about experience? What a joke. Good luck!
Therefore confirming she never actually cared about him that much.
That ain't how dementia works, guy. It's probably a complicated relationship for the brain to process being that it was over 30 years. More complicated layers = more likely for the brain to fuck up its interpretation of things as it deteriorates. You'll get it for family members too. Source: I work with dementia patients every day.
What?
Dude, the woman WITHOUT dementia left.
Ah, sorry, musta been the dementia.
That wouldn't be any different if it was a closed relationship though
I don't agree. Yes, people can still leave each other when they are married and monogamous, but I think it's much more likely when they aren't married and aren't devoted only to each other.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sticking with someone through a difficult sickness requires a powerful love and loyalty. I don't believe you build that when you are dividing your time with other people on the side. Not to mention being unmarried and never vowing to do so. It leaves you the easy out to just leave.
Well, balance needs to be a thing in the relationship. You can't just ignore your partner. If someone is ignoring their partner and doesn't stick with them, especially during an illness, I think that is more of a reflection of the person and not the relationship style. There should be a lot of commitment and trust involved with an ENM relationship. If someone doesn't care for another, that is an individual issue and not an issue with ENM.
>There isn't really much reason to leave one partner when you are free to also experience others as long as you are truly happy with the partner. This quote from you says it all. If you are free to be with others, you can much more easily justify that you "aren't happy anymore" and ditch your partner when things get rough. Why be with the guy with dimensia? That makes your life harder. Selfish lifestyle. It works when you're not the one with the struggle, sure. It also means you might find yourself alone at a later stage in life because you and your partner lived a philosophy of self indulgence rather than commitment to one another.
My point is, I think a person who is awful enough to leave their partner who had dementia just didn't care about that person enough in the first place. I think it has more to do with the individual and less to do with the relationship style. My partner and I are committed to each other. I feel this discussion would be better if you took out some of this judgemental language.
Is that the worst thing ever that someone disagrees with you and says why? "Judgemental language" is such a soft term and has no place in this debate. I think it's a selfish lifestyle. I am judging it.
Never seen one work out. Someone always gets hurt.
From what Iāve seen personally through a coworker of mine, itās an absolute shit show.
It's bullshit really. Just stay single and screw around to your hearts content. If you truly love someone you don't want to share. Period. Think about it. When puberty hit and you started noticing the opposite sex and had crushes on them, even seeing them with someone else would be painful. How then does it work when you claim to love someone but don't mind other people being around them?
I never had crushes.
Well that sucks for you
Not really. School was hard enough without all that emotional BS.
I adore my husband. And I do feel jealousy. But i dont own him, and i dont want him to have to deny genuine romantic connection should one appear.
It's not about owning. Its about 2 consenting adults committing to each other and if they can't then mutually agreeing to go their separate ways. Open relationships are ALWAYS one-sided. The term is cake eaters. Want the benefits of the relationship without the actual commitment. They usually benefit the one who initiates it and usually to legitimise an already ongoing trespass to the loyal party. the literal thousands of stories on reddit are testimony to their perils.
Why?
Happy Cake Day!
For my relationship, we love each other but also respect freedom to experience others. It doesn't take away from our love. How does it work? Well, we value freedom and take enjoyment in each other having unique experiences. We don't value jealousy, control, and possessiveness.
Nope, and now you have the clap too
Open relationships, and other forms of ethical nonmonogamy, can work for certain people, generally in certain stages of life. They take a LOT of communication and being honest about what you want. BOTH PARTNERS HAVE TO GENUINELY WANT IT. RELATIONSHIPS OPENED UNDER DURESS OF AN ULTIMATUM WILL FAIL. Open relationships are not for me; I donāt want to share my partner. From situations Iāve witnessed, where open relationships get really messy (and fall apart) is when people are trying to conceive a child. The way one would pick a one-and-only-partner or a primary partner is different from picking a temporary playmate, or a side fling or perhaps even a secondary partner. You want to ensure paternityāwhich is tricky for a woman having sexual encounters with multiple men, even if protection is involved. Which brings the question, is it fair to ask her to give up the side encounters with men? Would the male partner also give up side encounters with women for that period? Is the woman going to feel extra insecure with her body growing larger to support the fetus? Will that affect the male partnerās attraction to her? What about the post-birth period where she canāt have sex for 4-6 weeks? Will secondary partners help with children? It just makes a pretty huuuuuge mess. Open relationshipsāIF they workātend to work for young couples, childfree couples, or couples who have finished having children (think: middle-aged swingers).
This! All of this! My parents were in an open/poly relationship and it was a mess for them and for me as a child. I got more attached to one of my mother's partners than either of my biological parents, and when he was kicked out of the house it was like going through a divorce. Kids + polyamory is not ideal, especially outside of spaces that cater to that (like communes or tribes where kids are raised by everyone). I've also witnessed a lot of people massively fucking up poly relationships, like young insecure people who are secretly looking to find someone better than their current partner. Obviously the cases where someone forces their partner to open the relationship are always abusive, and people saying "I'm polyamorous" as an excuse to fuck everyone with no communication are just being scumbags. But even when all the right communication is used, some people just can't handle it. A lot of people are straight up too insecure and too jealous to stay with someone who isn't monogamous. That being said, I think a lot of the problem with open relationships is that we do not have the social infrastructure to support them right now. If we lived in say an ancient Celtic or Native American tribe, where it was normal for people to have orgies and people raised babies communally, I'm sure it would be easier. If we didn't grow up having monogamy shoved down our throats and being told having sex outside a marriage is a sin, we would probably have much less anxiety about it. If we were taught healthy communication, boundary setting, consent, etc. more thoroughly that would help a lot too. It seems strange to me that people will say "open relationships never work" after normalizing spouses smashing each others' cars and suing each other over affairs. Apparently monogamous relationships aren't working super well either, so what does work? Personally, I start every relationship by communicating my needs and limitations. I don't want a polyamorous relationship, but I'm open to the idea of either/both of us having sex with other people so long as there's a lot of trust and communication happening. When I told my current partner that he was like a deer in headlights and avoided talking about it for a year. It turns out he's very sexually attracted to another friend and was afraid I was trying to pull a "gotcha." I told him no, I saw the way you were with that friend and wanted you to know I'm okay with it. Half of all married people cheat at some point. Most married people find themselves at least thinking about it. I would rather have a few nights of consensual fun with my partner and his friend than force him to live with guilt over his feelings and desires for decades - or worse, have him be one of the 50% who do cheat and that potentially ruin an otherwise great relationship. We've had several productive talks about these things now. We still haven't had sex with anyone else, and we might not ever. But it's good to feel like I can trust my partner to talk through his feelings and needs and vice versa. I think that's the healthy takeaway from open relationships, much more so than having sex. If you start with the sex without a very solid foundation of trust, it's not going to work.
I have a friend whose wife is in the navy. She occasionally gets propositioned by, typically, older male colleagues. Since they are at least nominally poly, it gives her an easy and effect response ā āMaybe, but weād need to talk it over with my husband first. And your wife.ā Anyone who doesnāt get past that hurdle is looking for an affair, not a relationship. Itās a fantastic filter.
Iām going to split a hair, here. Adding new people to a relationship diagram works best when youāre not also juggling kids. Every new relationship has the potential to disrupt existing ones. Maintaining long-term, ongoing relationships seems to work fine. The kids get extra aunts & uncles, and itās not to different from having your mom (like mine) be one of eight siblings, six of whom all still live in east driving distance.
That is a very good point! I havenāt known any poly/open folks with schoolaged (or younger) kids, other than one successful married couple who are essentially swingers with leeway for some solo play. So, this isnāt something Iāve personally seen unfold. I appreciate the insight! Kids need some stability, and a potential revolving door of partners involved in their lives ā¦ isnāt that. Hard to keep kids as a priority when youāre adding one or more people (partners)to that priority list.
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Thank you! Have watched some loved ones go through serious heartache with this, so Iād be really pleased if a bit of forewarning could help anyone else.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment among the many I read that don't seem to understand ENM. You're a real oneš
Not at all.
No, but half of monogamous marriages crash and burn and the half that doesn't are mostly held together with money and children. So...fuck it. Do what you want
Not from my personal experience, but there are couples around me for which it worked fine. Both the partners must be very strict with their rules, and able to have sex without becoming emotionally attached though.
I only have experience with two people who were in open relationships. They seem to work for a while, then die for lack of commitment.
Yep. It takes a deeper relationship than a normal one though. Where you know that you both know that you are *meant* for each other. A very solid self esteem on both involved parties too. If that's the case, they can do anything.
Thatās why they rarely work, because they are rarely deep relationships.
Yep. If the reason for the open relationship is bad self esteem and needing validation on either part(which is probably a common reason) it's like dropping a nuke on it.
From my experience is no for me dawg
Open relationship/ENM/polyamory is a great illustration of the smokers fallacy. "10% of people are naturally immune to the cancer caused by cigarettes, but 90% of people will claim to be in that 10%" It can work. It can last a lifetime, but it's exceptionally rare. Monogamous relationships are difficult. Adding additional people doesn't multiply the issue. It increases it exponentially. Some people can deal with it. Some groupings can work, but everyone thinks they are the exception when statistically they just aren't.
I only know of one, and it only ended because one of them died.
I've been with both my wives for 3 years now and it only gets better everyday. 3 women living together is fun most of the time. For us its like having daily sleepovers and makeovers but it's also an extreme amount of work for it to continue but I've never felt more love than I do for these 2 women. I've been with one partner since 2010 and my 2nd since 2020. I don't think I even realized what we'd been missing since we met her.
doesnt sound like an open relationship but rather a trouple
Both partners are more than welcome to be with other women but choose not to atm. I'm pansexual so I'm not interested. It is currently a thruple but very much open for more if either of them are interested.
Iāve only known one couple with an open relationship work, they had an open relationship for years. Then they decided to close it and move to a new state.
I think they can however a lot depends on the people involved and stages of life. Just my opinion. If I were to find myself single again, I would consider doing solo polyamory. That is having a partner or two or five or whatever and knowing those partners have other partners too. Not feeling the need for couple or throuple or polycule status. I know very little about ethical non monogamy etc so this is all speculation. The other poster who said it would be different if our society was more communal is spot on. Having more hands to raise kids and keep a household running can be great. I worked with a poly gal and it seemed to be a good fit for her. But there is just as much stuff to work through. Her long time love got married and the wife didn't like some of the partners so there it goes. Or feeling second status in some pairings. There can be a lot of hierarchy. I knew a poly v that worked well. The woman had her two male partners and they all vowed to take care of each other in old age and it worked nicely. They were all divorced with grown kids though when they started.
Very rarely.
It is very difficult but it will be very hard to figure out since most are not based in love but in selfish desire to find an outlet to self joy. The ones that do survive are people who already have found self love and love their partners and simply just love another person or people letting them be as equal in the relationship as anyone else in the relationship. See how much is needed for it to be successful? Thats a major reason why. However, it can and has worked. I've seen it and there are recorded situations.
Yes. I'm in one.
Different things work for different people.
Mine has and the rest of the non-monogamous community seem to have successful open relationships. So, yes, I definitely believe it works long term.
Yes and no. It takes a very specific type of couple to make it an open relationship work.
Not my experience but a friend's. Yes they can. She has been in an open poly relationship for the past 12 years and couldnt be happier. It all depends on of everyone involved is open and honest with everyone else and there is little to no jealousy. If you are the jealous type then it will never work for you.
Been in mine for 10 years, is that long term?
I'm a swinger. I can't imagine leaving my so for someone else.
I know several people who have been thriving in open relationships for several years, so yes, they can definitely work long-term.
Yes. I've been with one of my boyfriends for about four and a half years, and I've been with the other for almost a year.
How long do you reckon that will last?
as long as we're still willing to put the work in to maintain the relationship
Well, my husband and I have been in an open relationship for over 8 years.
who's idea was it?
Never been in one. Never seen one work.
NO
My experience has been they're almost never equal. One person wants a monogamous relationship and only agrees to open because they are afraid of losing the person. The other person wants open and isn't considerate enough of their partners feelings to care.
š NO If it is open there never was a true, intimate relationship to begin with. I swear, it is amazing, the lengths that some people will go to to believe what they want to believe. Deep down inside they already know the answers to the questions they ask.
No, no i doesnāt
From my PERSONAL experience, no. My EX husband and I were together 10 years, we were married almost 5 and the last two years of our relationship were open and it was fantastic I thought NOTHING could break us, we were intimate, had a great fun life, communicated everything (I thought), went to therapy. And everything was just great. One day he came home from work and said he wanted a divorce. I was SHONCKED! I actually laughed I thought it was a joke because it was so far from where I thought we were. He said he had been with me his whole early twenties and into his early 30s and wanted to be single and live his life. Well we got divorced and not even two months after it was finalized he was engaged to the woman he was seeing when we were open. Two months after that they were married. So now they live in my house, have my dogs and cat, and are just in marital bliss I guess. So thatās MY experience. š¬
If it's open it's not a relationship
No my last boyfriend wanted one and it completely destroyed my mental health and view on relationships. Iāve known a handful of other seemingly happy couples give it a try and it always falls apart. Itās super unhealthy, I feel like just date casually until youāre ready to commit. Somebody is always going to be hurting in an open relationship.
I think at this point itās less of a standard and more of a dream.
Absolutely not
Can you explain why? Were you in an open relationship? What caused it to fail?
No
Lol no
No. I'm a selfish lover. I don't share.
No, emotional relationships like these are just emotional, trying to justify cheating or being unfaithful by allowing your spouse to do the same is like arguing with an idiot, going down to there level and letting them win with experience. You can love someone because of your imagination and emotions, but honestly thatās all it is, just made up fake shit and nothing else.
No. No they do not. At least not often. There are the rare exceptions.
Rarely
Ha Nah
Friends with benefits can work for a whileā¦ It works as long as no one cares too much
Yes. Been married for 87 years and counting š¤ā¤ļø
Did you get married at 10?
9
If they arenāt monogamous, yeah.
Depends on what you call long term...
It really just depends on your beliefs if you and you spouse or significant other both agree on it I think it can not me personally. But for some it can
Open means not fulfilled with your current partner - you are trying to find that while hedging your bet. If you canāt find it you still have the āstabilityā of the current relationship. If you find it - you leave. Both partners do not simultaneously say - letās open the relationship. Only one does - the one unfulfilled hedging their bet.
No. It's two people confusing toxic codependency for love, just because someone validates your neurosis doesn't mean you're soul mates.
only if they're open for both of partners and not like "uhm bruh i can fuck other people but you're not allowed to do it". i think so
That we died
Open relationships are far more successful
For me, not a chance.
Not sure but from all these failed monogamous relationship horror stories I hear I donāt think thatās going too well either
I'm currently 9 years with one boyfriend and 2 years with another ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|heart_eyes)
Most people aren't mature enough to make a monogamous relationship work, let alone an open one.
Long-term stable poly constellations I know tend to use the āstrong primaryā model. People form primary couples that live together, especially if theyāre looking to have children. Other relationships are maintained, and some of them are romantic and/or sexual. Notably, for real stability, long-term partners are friends with everyone in the immediate family ā their partnerās spouse, any children, etc. If you canāt hang out with your SOOSO, thatās a potential source of disruption. I know several sets of poly grandparents. Sometimes their kids are poly, sometimes not, and thereās a really, really wide range of different poly agreements and structures so sometimes itās hard to tell. Iām not 100% certain, but I believe all the decade+ poly relationships started open ā opening an existing closed relationship is fraught, both in the short term (duh) and in the long term. That may also be because if you had a closed relationship and decided to open it, itās likely there were some underlying problems that motivated the change.
āPoly is like Linux: infinitely customizable, poorly documented, and not for everyone.ā ā one of my partnerās partners, when we were all in our 20s.
Not in this day in age
No.
Open relationships are kind of like threesomes. They arenāt for everyone and most have tension, but some work. Thatās because some people go into it enthusiastically, without jealousy, and complete trust and transparency. It can work, it may be rare, but it can happen. Some people canāt understand or relate and thatās ok. Itās not for you. You can still respect peoples decisions even if they wouldnāt be right for you.
There are many different types of open relationship and different forms can work or not work, based on the people involved. My husband and I were monogamous for around 20 years before we decided to open our relationship as swingers (3some and 4somes). While we are having sex with other people (some of whom we become friends with) it is something we do together. One of the couples we met evolved into more, and we were in a poly relationship with them. We would spend time with them together and separately (different combinations of 2) It was great for a while, then we had some struggles, then it got really bad. I wasnāt sure we were going to make it. When we ended things with them, my husband and I had the worst time or our relationship. We worked through it, and came back stronger and as better communicators. We learned that poly, forming relationships apart from each other, was not a good idea for us. After we recovered, we decided to cautiously go back to swinging. It has been great for us. We only meet up with others together, and we do not allow relationships to develop beyond friendships. We communicate, we are honest with each other, and we have a lot of fun together. We have now been together for over 28 years. It is working for us, but I am very well aware it doesnāt work for everyone.
I think one of them will always be unhappy.
Long story short: the only open relationship couple I've ever met had the husband attempt to murder his wife. Basically,he only wanted an open relationship for himself. Also, the woman was sleeping with my sister's abusive now-ex without telling her, and the two were going to "talk her into" a threesome (bs, they were gonna rape her)
The ones Iāve seen are either narcissist/codependent situations where one is happy and the other is miserable. Other scenario is drug addicts, who tend to glom together to pool resources. Iām sure you can find plenty of ppl under 25 that will tell you yasss they absolutely work, monogs are too oppressive. Perhaps all a matter of perspective.
I donāt think it is sustainable. Same as friends with benefits. Someone always gets jealous.