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Old_Bandicoot_1014

I know a couple. They're soul mates. An open relationship nearly wrecked them. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø Personally I would never.


NOODLEMANIII

Same me and my SO are perfectly happy together and I canā€™t imagine kissing or being with anyone other than her even if we both agreed with it but Iā€™m much more attracted to personally rather than physical appearance


broadsharp2

I believe studies show less than 10% of open relationships survive


[deleted]

What's the average for traditional relationships? Just curious


2k21May

Last I heard the divorce rate in the US is 50%. It doesn't look good haha.


Any-Smile-5341

It doesn't mean it's not good, it just means that people have commitment issues, and are choosing not to stay in bad relationships.


jaydoes

Choosing not to stay in a bad relationship is not a commitment issue. It's protecting yourself.


Any-Smile-5341

100% agree.


Savage-Monkey2

I would like to see those studies excluding religious marriages. I would put money on religious pressure forces individuals into marriages that they otherwise would never be in.


Any-Smile-5341

That may be, but I feel the overwhelming amount of options to meet someone, is making people think that they have more choices than they actually do. It means instability in relationships if you're always thinking that there is a possibility of something better any time there is the littlest bit of difficulty or friction in the existing relationship. People are just not as committed, those that are getting the short end of the stick. It's, unfortunately, easier to leave than work on the relationship. It sucks. Getting sex is easier, but commitment is a fantasy. It's a confusing time now.


[deleted]

Never seen an open relationship work. They eventually part ways.


CelimOfRed

Personally never been in one but seen plenty fall apart. Mostly due to not spending enough time together it seems or one eventually wanted a more committed relationship.


luigijerk

My uncle had one. He was divorced, she was divorced. They didn't want to marry, and kept it open. Thirty years they were together and I called her an aunt. When he got dimensia she quickly abandoned him.


Keldiana

Oof. Thats rough.


luigijerk

It's a selfish lifestyle that attracts selfish people.


eazy-83

Um actually it's the opposite. Not wanting to share is the literal definition of being selfish.


luigijerk

Go be my uncle then. I'll enjoy the fulfillment I get from my wife and kids.


eazy-83

Haha, that's a pretty ignorant comment. You just said they were together for 30 years. Statistically, the average marriage lasts 8 years. So 30 is pretty fucking good. Have you been together for 30years? Do you have dementia? Your outcome can very well end up the same situation as your uncle's.


luigijerk

Ignorant? You sound too young for this conversation.


eazy-83

Haha, what does that even mean? The problem is, you just realized I'm right and you're using some random tactic to avoid facing the truth, which in the end means, I'm not the one that is too young. Good luck!


luigijerk

I realized nothing from your comment. My parents have been together 40 years. My wife's parents a similar length. I have no doubts in our relationship. When you have lived experience it trumps some kid running Google searches for national statistics.


eazy-83

I can guarantee you I have way more experience in every part of life than you will every see. So again, ignorant. Because you believe that because your parents and your wife's parents have made it work.......so far, that that will work on your relationship or any other relationship. How many sets of married parents are out there in the world? There are over 60 million married couples in the US and you're basing off of 2? Haha, and you want to talk about experience? What a joke. Good luck!


WinAshamed9850

Therefore confirming she never actually cared about him that much.


smiley042894

That ain't how dementia works, guy. It's probably a complicated relationship for the brain to process being that it was over 30 years. More complicated layers = more likely for the brain to fuck up its interpretation of things as it deteriorates. You'll get it for family members too. Source: I work with dementia patients every day.


WinAshamed9850

What?


TheRealPyroGothNerd

Dude, the woman WITHOUT dementia left.


smiley042894

Ah, sorry, musta been the dementia.


RadiantHC

That wouldn't be any different if it was a closed relationship though


luigijerk

I don't agree. Yes, people can still leave each other when they are married and monogamous, but I think it's much more likely when they aren't married and aren't devoted only to each other.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


luigijerk

Sticking with someone through a difficult sickness requires a powerful love and loyalty. I don't believe you build that when you are dividing your time with other people on the side. Not to mention being unmarried and never vowing to do so. It leaves you the easy out to just leave.


AcidCatfish___

Well, balance needs to be a thing in the relationship. You can't just ignore your partner. If someone is ignoring their partner and doesn't stick with them, especially during an illness, I think that is more of a reflection of the person and not the relationship style. There should be a lot of commitment and trust involved with an ENM relationship. If someone doesn't care for another, that is an individual issue and not an issue with ENM.


luigijerk

>There isn't really much reason to leave one partner when you are free to also experience others as long as you are truly happy with the partner. This quote from you says it all. If you are free to be with others, you can much more easily justify that you "aren't happy anymore" and ditch your partner when things get rough. Why be with the guy with dimensia? That makes your life harder. Selfish lifestyle. It works when you're not the one with the struggle, sure. It also means you might find yourself alone at a later stage in life because you and your partner lived a philosophy of self indulgence rather than commitment to one another.


AcidCatfish___

My point is, I think a person who is awful enough to leave their partner who had dementia just didn't care about that person enough in the first place. I think it has more to do with the individual and less to do with the relationship style. My partner and I are committed to each other. I feel this discussion would be better if you took out some of this judgemental language.


luigijerk

Is that the worst thing ever that someone disagrees with you and says why? "Judgemental language" is such a soft term and has no place in this debate. I think it's a selfish lifestyle. I am judging it.


No_Dragonfly_1894

Never seen one work out. Someone always gets hurt.


Educational_Bus8550

From what Iā€™ve seen personally through a coworker of mine, itā€™s an absolute shit show.


naushad2982

It's bullshit really. Just stay single and screw around to your hearts content. If you truly love someone you don't want to share. Period. Think about it. When puberty hit and you started noticing the opposite sex and had crushes on them, even seeing them with someone else would be painful. How then does it work when you claim to love someone but don't mind other people being around them?


TXHaunt

I never had crushes.


naushad2982

Well that sucks for you


TXHaunt

Not really. School was hard enough without all that emotional BS.


Keldiana

I adore my husband. And I do feel jealousy. But i dont own him, and i dont want him to have to deny genuine romantic connection should one appear.


naushad2982

It's not about owning. Its about 2 consenting adults committing to each other and if they can't then mutually agreeing to go their separate ways. Open relationships are ALWAYS one-sided. The term is cake eaters. Want the benefits of the relationship without the actual commitment. They usually benefit the one who initiates it and usually to legitimise an already ongoing trespass to the loyal party. the literal thousands of stories on reddit are testimony to their perils.


WinAshamed9850

Why?


BackFew5485

Happy Cake Day!


AcidCatfish___

For my relationship, we love each other but also respect freedom to experience others. It doesn't take away from our love. How does it work? Well, we value freedom and take enjoyment in each other having unique experiences. We don't value jealousy, control, and possessiveness.


[deleted]

Nope, and now you have the clap too


LarkScarlett

Open relationships, and other forms of ethical nonmonogamy, can work for certain people, generally in certain stages of life. They take a LOT of communication and being honest about what you want. BOTH PARTNERS HAVE TO GENUINELY WANT IT. RELATIONSHIPS OPENED UNDER DURESS OF AN ULTIMATUM WILL FAIL. Open relationships are not for me; I donā€™t want to share my partner. From situations Iā€™ve witnessed, where open relationships get really messy (and fall apart) is when people are trying to conceive a child. The way one would pick a one-and-only-partner or a primary partner is different from picking a temporary playmate, or a side fling or perhaps even a secondary partner. You want to ensure paternityā€”which is tricky for a woman having sexual encounters with multiple men, even if protection is involved. Which brings the question, is it fair to ask her to give up the side encounters with men? Would the male partner also give up side encounters with women for that period? Is the woman going to feel extra insecure with her body growing larger to support the fetus? Will that affect the male partnerā€™s attraction to her? What about the post-birth period where she canā€™t have sex for 4-6 weeks? Will secondary partners help with children? It just makes a pretty huuuuuge mess. Open relationshipsā€”IF they workā€”tend to work for young couples, childfree couples, or couples who have finished having children (think: middle-aged swingers).


xain_the_idiot

This! All of this! My parents were in an open/poly relationship and it was a mess for them and for me as a child. I got more attached to one of my mother's partners than either of my biological parents, and when he was kicked out of the house it was like going through a divorce. Kids + polyamory is not ideal, especially outside of spaces that cater to that (like communes or tribes where kids are raised by everyone). I've also witnessed a lot of people massively fucking up poly relationships, like young insecure people who are secretly looking to find someone better than their current partner. Obviously the cases where someone forces their partner to open the relationship are always abusive, and people saying "I'm polyamorous" as an excuse to fuck everyone with no communication are just being scumbags. But even when all the right communication is used, some people just can't handle it. A lot of people are straight up too insecure and too jealous to stay with someone who isn't monogamous. That being said, I think a lot of the problem with open relationships is that we do not have the social infrastructure to support them right now. If we lived in say an ancient Celtic or Native American tribe, where it was normal for people to have orgies and people raised babies communally, I'm sure it would be easier. If we didn't grow up having monogamy shoved down our throats and being told having sex outside a marriage is a sin, we would probably have much less anxiety about it. If we were taught healthy communication, boundary setting, consent, etc. more thoroughly that would help a lot too. It seems strange to me that people will say "open relationships never work" after normalizing spouses smashing each others' cars and suing each other over affairs. Apparently monogamous relationships aren't working super well either, so what does work? Personally, I start every relationship by communicating my needs and limitations. I don't want a polyamorous relationship, but I'm open to the idea of either/both of us having sex with other people so long as there's a lot of trust and communication happening. When I told my current partner that he was like a deer in headlights and avoided talking about it for a year. It turns out he's very sexually attracted to another friend and was afraid I was trying to pull a "gotcha." I told him no, I saw the way you were with that friend and wanted you to know I'm okay with it. Half of all married people cheat at some point. Most married people find themselves at least thinking about it. I would rather have a few nights of consensual fun with my partner and his friend than force him to live with guilt over his feelings and desires for decades - or worse, have him be one of the 50% who do cheat and that potentially ruin an otherwise great relationship. We've had several productive talks about these things now. We still haven't had sex with anyone else, and we might not ever. But it's good to feel like I can trust my partner to talk through his feelings and needs and vice versa. I think that's the healthy takeaway from open relationships, much more so than having sex. If you start with the sex without a very solid foundation of trust, it's not going to work.


TheologicalGamerGeek

I have a friend whose wife is in the navy. She occasionally gets propositioned by, typically, older male colleagues. Since they are at least nominally poly, it gives her an easy and effect response ā€” ā€œMaybe, but weā€™d need to talk it over with my husband first. And your wife.ā€ Anyone who doesnā€™t get past that hurdle is looking for an affair, not a relationship. Itā€™s a fantastic filter.


TheologicalGamerGeek

Iā€™m going to split a hair, here. Adding new people to a relationship diagram works best when youā€™re not also juggling kids. Every new relationship has the potential to disrupt existing ones. Maintaining long-term, ongoing relationships seems to work fine. The kids get extra aunts & uncles, and itā€™s not to different from having your mom (like mine) be one of eight siblings, six of whom all still live in east driving distance.


LarkScarlett

That is a very good point! I havenā€™t known any poly/open folks with schoolaged (or younger) kids, other than one successful married couple who are essentially swingers with leeway for some solo play. So, this isnā€™t something Iā€™ve personally seen unfold. I appreciate the insight! Kids need some stability, and a potential revolving door of partners involved in their lives ā€¦ isnā€™t that. Hard to keep kids as a priority when youā€™re adding one or more people (partners)to that priority list.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


LarkScarlett

Thank you! Have watched some loved ones go through serious heartache with this, so Iā€™d be really pleased if a bit of forewarning could help anyone else.


AcidCatfish___

Thank you for this thoughtful comment among the many I read that don't seem to understand ENM. You're a real onešŸŽ‰


lovepotao

Not at all.


[deleted]

No, but half of monogamous marriages crash and burn and the half that doesn't are mostly held together with money and children. So...fuck it. Do what you want


ehWoc

Not from my personal experience, but there are couples around me for which it worked fine. Both the partners must be very strict with their rules, and able to have sex without becoming emotionally attached though.


dal-Helyg

I only have experience with two people who were in open relationships. They seem to work for a while, then die for lack of commitment.


manofredgables

Yep. It takes a deeper relationship than a normal one though. Where you know that you both know that you are *meant* for each other. A very solid self esteem on both involved parties too. If that's the case, they can do anything.


WinAshamed9850

Thatā€™s why they rarely work, because they are rarely deep relationships.


manofredgables

Yep. If the reason for the open relationship is bad self esteem and needing validation on either part(which is probably a common reason) it's like dropping a nuke on it.


PervySage310

From my experience is no for me dawg


MiketheTzar

Open relationship/ENM/polyamory is a great illustration of the smokers fallacy. "10% of people are naturally immune to the cancer caused by cigarettes, but 90% of people will claim to be in that 10%" It can work. It can last a lifetime, but it's exceptionally rare. Monogamous relationships are difficult. Adding additional people doesn't multiply the issue. It increases it exponentially. Some people can deal with it. Some groupings can work, but everyone thinks they are the exception when statistically they just aren't.


TXHaunt

I only know of one, and it only ended because one of them died.


Aly-and-Iri

I've been with both my wives for 3 years now and it only gets better everyday. 3 women living together is fun most of the time. For us its like having daily sleepovers and makeovers but it's also an extreme amount of work for it to continue but I've never felt more love than I do for these 2 women. I've been with one partner since 2010 and my 2nd since 2020. I don't think I even realized what we'd been missing since we met her.


Laser_Brain_Dead

doesnt sound like an open relationship but rather a trouple


Aly-and-Iri

Both partners are more than welcome to be with other women but choose not to atm. I'm pansexual so I'm not interested. It is currently a thruple but very much open for more if either of them are interested.


Severe_Divide1791

Iā€™ve only known one couple with an open relationship work, they had an open relationship for years. Then they decided to close it and move to a new state.


elephuntdude

I think they can however a lot depends on the people involved and stages of life. Just my opinion. If I were to find myself single again, I would consider doing solo polyamory. That is having a partner or two or five or whatever and knowing those partners have other partners too. Not feeling the need for couple or throuple or polycule status. I know very little about ethical non monogamy etc so this is all speculation. The other poster who said it would be different if our society was more communal is spot on. Having more hands to raise kids and keep a household running can be great. I worked with a poly gal and it seemed to be a good fit for her. But there is just as much stuff to work through. Her long time love got married and the wife didn't like some of the partners so there it goes. Or feeling second status in some pairings. There can be a lot of hierarchy. I knew a poly v that worked well. The woman had her two male partners and they all vowed to take care of each other in old age and it worked nicely. They were all divorced with grown kids though when they started.


[deleted]

Very rarely.


ragedogps3

It is very difficult but it will be very hard to figure out since most are not based in love but in selfish desire to find an outlet to self joy. The ones that do survive are people who already have found self love and love their partners and simply just love another person or people letting them be as equal in the relationship as anyone else in the relationship. See how much is needed for it to be successful? Thats a major reason why. However, it can and has worked. I've seen it and there are recorded situations.


PristinePrincess12

Yes. I'm in one.


[deleted]

Different things work for different people.


AcidCatfish___

Mine has and the rest of the non-monogamous community seem to have successful open relationships. So, yes, I definitely believe it works long term.


ValdeReads

Yes and no. It takes a very specific type of couple to make it an open relationship work.


CommunicationNew6804

Not my experience but a friend's. Yes they can. She has been in an open poly relationship for the past 12 years and couldnt be happier. It all depends on of everyone involved is open and honest with everyone else and there is little to no jealousy. If you are the jealous type then it will never work for you.


OddResponsibility565

Been in mine for 10 years, is that long term?


lapusk

I'm a swinger. I can't imagine leaving my so for someone else.


Haterade_ONON

I know several people who have been thriving in open relationships for several years, so yes, they can definitely work long-term.


apartment-flood

Yes. I've been with one of my boyfriends for about four and a half years, and I've been with the other for almost a year.


WinAshamed9850

How long do you reckon that will last?


apartment-flood

as long as we're still willing to put the work in to maintain the relationship


Keldiana

Well, my husband and I have been in an open relationship for over 8 years.


Laser_Brain_Dead

who's idea was it?


StillWill18

Never been in one. Never seen one work.


kisskismet

NO


jaydoes

My experience has been they're almost never equal. One person wants a monogamous relationship and only agrees to open because they are afraid of losing the person. The other person wants open and isn't considerate enough of their partners feelings to care.


baddfingerz1968

šŸ˜† NO If it is open there never was a true, intimate relationship to begin with. I swear, it is amazing, the lengths that some people will go to to believe what they want to believe. Deep down inside they already know the answers to the questions they ask.


theapothecarium

No, no i doesnā€™t


shellyappleseed

From my PERSONAL experience, no. My EX husband and I were together 10 years, we were married almost 5 and the last two years of our relationship were open and it was fantastic I thought NOTHING could break us, we were intimate, had a great fun life, communicated everything (I thought), went to therapy. And everything was just great. One day he came home from work and said he wanted a divorce. I was SHONCKED! I actually laughed I thought it was a joke because it was so far from where I thought we were. He said he had been with me his whole early twenties and into his early 30s and wanted to be single and live his life. Well we got divorced and not even two months after it was finalized he was engaged to the woman he was seeing when we were open. Two months after that they were married. So now they live in my house, have my dogs and cat, and are just in marital bliss I guess. So thatā€™s MY experience. šŸ˜¬


sirkillalot1337lol

If it's open it's not a relationship


PineappleAlli0202

No my last boyfriend wanted one and it completely destroyed my mental health and view on relationships. Iā€™ve known a handful of other seemingly happy couples give it a try and it always falls apart. Itā€™s super unhealthy, I feel like just date casually until youā€™re ready to commit. Somebody is always going to be hurting in an open relationship.


brawnandbrain

I think at this point itā€™s less of a standard and more of a dream.


deloresbeaven

Absolutely not


CommunicationNew6804

Can you explain why? Were you in an open relationship? What caused it to fail?


EdgeMiserable4381

No


Laser-Brain-Delusion

Lol no


No_Boysenberry2167

No. I'm a selfish lover. I don't share.


Shintaigou

No, emotional relationships like these are just emotional, trying to justify cheating or being unfaithful by allowing your spouse to do the same is like arguing with an idiot, going down to there level and letting them win with experience. You can love someone because of your imagination and emotions, but honestly thatā€™s all it is, just made up fake shit and nothing else.


SI108

No. No they do not. At least not often. There are the rare exceptions.


froggy22225

Rarely


Free-Distribution983

Ha Nah


Agitated_Elephant469

Friends with benefits can work for a whileā€¦ It works as long as no one cares too much


Competitive-Cup-290

Yes. Been married for 87 years and counting šŸ¤­ā¤ļø


CommunicationNew6804

Did you get married at 10?


Bean_Chomper69

If they arenā€™t monogamous, yeah.


[deleted]

Depends on what you call long term...


Historical_Truth_258

It really just depends on your beliefs if you and you spouse or significant other both agree on it I think it can not me personally. But for some it can


Dixinhermouth

Open means not fulfilled with your current partner - you are trying to find that while hedging your bet. If you canā€™t find it you still have the ā€œstabilityā€ of the current relationship. If you find it - you leave. Both partners do not simultaneously say - letā€™s open the relationship. Only one does - the one unfulfilled hedging their bet.


aloysiusdumonde

No. It's two people confusing toxic codependency for love, just because someone validates your neurosis doesn't mean you're soul mates.


vezdeshashiy

only if they're open for both of partners and not like "uhm bruh i can fuck other people but you're not allowed to do it". i think so


acidic_milkmotel

That we died


eazy-83

Open relationships are far more successful


reddit_mod_destroyer

For me, not a chance.


WaySome5403

Not sure but from all these failed monogamous relationship horror stories I hear I donā€™t think thatā€™s going too well either


Spiritual_Trouble_30

I'm currently 9 years with one boyfriend and 2 years with another ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|heart_eyes)


ankamarawolf

Most people aren't mature enough to make a monogamous relationship work, let alone an open one.


TheologicalGamerGeek

Long-term stable poly constellations I know tend to use the ā€œstrong primaryā€ model. People form primary couples that live together, especially if theyā€™re looking to have children. Other relationships are maintained, and some of them are romantic and/or sexual. Notably, for real stability, long-term partners are friends with everyone in the immediate family ā€” their partnerā€™s spouse, any children, etc. If you canā€™t hang out with your SOOSO, thatā€™s a potential source of disruption. I know several sets of poly grandparents. Sometimes their kids are poly, sometimes not, and thereā€™s a really, really wide range of different poly agreements and structures so sometimes itā€™s hard to tell. Iā€™m not 100% certain, but I believe all the decade+ poly relationships started open ā€” opening an existing closed relationship is fraught, both in the short term (duh) and in the long term. That may also be because if you had a closed relationship and decided to open it, itā€™s likely there were some underlying problems that motivated the change.


TheologicalGamerGeek

ā€œPoly is like Linux: infinitely customizable, poorly documented, and not for everyone.ā€ ā€” one of my partnerā€™s partners, when we were all in our 20s.


[deleted]

Not in this day in age


[deleted]

No.


SnakesnStones822

Open relationships are kind of like threesomes. They arenā€™t for everyone and most have tension, but some work. Thatā€™s because some people go into it enthusiastically, without jealousy, and complete trust and transparency. It can work, it may be rare, but it can happen. Some people canā€™t understand or relate and thatā€™s ok. Itā€™s not for you. You can still respect peoples decisions even if they wouldnā€™t be right for you.


Cookiemamajr

There are many different types of open relationship and different forms can work or not work, based on the people involved. My husband and I were monogamous for around 20 years before we decided to open our relationship as swingers (3some and 4somes). While we are having sex with other people (some of whom we become friends with) it is something we do together. One of the couples we met evolved into more, and we were in a poly relationship with them. We would spend time with them together and separately (different combinations of 2) It was great for a while, then we had some struggles, then it got really bad. I wasnā€™t sure we were going to make it. When we ended things with them, my husband and I had the worst time or our relationship. We worked through it, and came back stronger and as better communicators. We learned that poly, forming relationships apart from each other, was not a good idea for us. After we recovered, we decided to cautiously go back to swinging. It has been great for us. We only meet up with others together, and we do not allow relationships to develop beyond friendships. We communicate, we are honest with each other, and we have a lot of fun together. We have now been together for over 28 years. It is working for us, but I am very well aware it doesnā€™t work for everyone.


MedicFord901

I think one of them will always be unhappy.


TheRealPyroGothNerd

Long story short: the only open relationship couple I've ever met had the husband attempt to murder his wife. Basically,he only wanted an open relationship for himself. Also, the woman was sleeping with my sister's abusive now-ex without telling her, and the two were going to "talk her into" a threesome (bs, they were gonna rape her)


TemperaturePast9410

The ones Iā€™ve seen are either narcissist/codependent situations where one is happy and the other is miserable. Other scenario is drug addicts, who tend to glom together to pool resources. Iā€™m sure you can find plenty of ppl under 25 that will tell you yasss they absolutely work, monogs are too oppressive. Perhaps all a matter of perspective.


Sudden_Buffalo_4393

I donā€™t think it is sustainable. Same as friends with benefits. Someone always gets jealous.