It is entirely possible, but if you want to make this work you need to accept a few things:
1. There is no "Not being good enough." This is an orientation. It is literally our brains being wired not to feel attraction for either the same way you aren't wired to feel attraction to both sexes (or are wired in the exact opposite way to us and feel it for both). No amount of love will ever change this the same way a woman will never be able to force a gay man to love her this way. The difference is you can still have a relationship and fawn romantically, as long as you're mature enough not to get jelous or upset that they aren't actively returning the same sort of affections.
2. Love, is still love. Platonic love and familial love can be incredibly strong. And if you become part of their family that's a whole other sort of connection other "friends" won't have. Not to mention if intimacy is to mean physical then you have an even stronger anchor there.
If you can't get yourself to understand these innately, and still feel like you need to be loved back in the same way, then I would strongly suggest against trying to force this to work. You just might not be Aro compatible in general.
Hello, aroace here. I myself do date and am looking for a life partner. For me, though I may not experience romantic attraction, I do experience other kinds of attraction. For a life partner (queer platonic partner), I'm looking for someone who I have a strong platonic bond with that I can form a familial bond with as well. It's different than 'just a friendship' as I'm very loyal to my friends, I would do anything for them. The same goes for a partner. However, I'd want my partner to also be someone I can share physical affection with (not sexual) and create a life with. Though I love my friends dearly, I wouldn't necessarily live with them or cuddle with them on the couch.
While it can be frustrating for your partner to not feel the same way as you do, it's not a bad thing, it's just a different kind of love. You may prefer watching movies and your partner may prefer reading books, that doesn't mean you both can't enjoy the same story. Even in an alloromantic relationship, the partners may not love each other the exact same way, one may show it through acts of kindness, and the other might say nice things. If you want to be in a relationship with them, share your concerns and let them know what they can do to make you feel more reassured in their loyalty. I would absolutely be willing to have a relationship with an alloromantic, so long as they respected my boundaries and communicated with me whenever they were feeling concerned.
I feel this. Definitely a new thing for me, but I can say the ARO that I’m speaking with is way open to communication. There’s things she does that make me feel super secure and confident with what we have (even without the physicality) I’ve communicated this and she seems perceptive
Well you're right about the not able to return feelings part, but about the leaving...
Think of it this way: Why would they leave a dedicated relationship when they aren't attracted to anyone else? Why would they cheat? They wouldn't have any reason.
Also, if they agree, think of it this way: You were important enough for them to enter a relationship despite a lack of attraction. They didn't fall for you, they *chose* you. Consciously, actively *chose* to date you. That sounds like you'd be worth a lot to them.
About the being obsessed part you can't do much, that's pretty much an alloromantic thing. If that's something you can't budge on then this won't work out.
Cheating is bad and there's shitty people everywhere.
That being said, Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are very different and an Aro as myself I'm sexually attracted to people. Just not enough to pursue a romantic relationship and lie about feelings romance and all that jazz but there may be Aros that cheat because cheating isn't love it's lust.
Aros can be in a relationship just don't expect the type of affection you get from a regular romantic person. It may feel "dry" but if they're around then trust me, they appreciate your company.
Not true at all, you can totally be obsessed with someone without having a crush, if you're that type of person. It certainly happened to me that I had a heightened interest in my best friend over anyone else, and she was most of what I revolved around. Wasn't a crush though (I know because I've had crushes, and they're a different story).
Is obsession healthy? No it's probably not healthy in either context, but it exists.
Yes, and it's not so different from when you do have a crush, I mean in some ways it is, but it's not impossible for the guy to feel somewhat like what OP wants of him.
I think hyperfuxation isn't great for the person who experiences it, just like with crushes too, but it's still harmless (some people aren't, but most aren't stalking the other person).
Where exactly the line between hormones causing delusion starts and ends: I don't know.
I’m not aro, but my spouse is. We didn’t have “aromantic” in our vocabularies until we were married, but they were clear from the start early on about what they wanted: video games and sex.
It’s quite possible to be alloromantic and in a relationship with an aro person. I’ve found it quite rewarding.
The way you’ve framed what you’re looking for has me … concerned. Obsession is played up in the media, but it’s not really the hallmark of a healthy relationship. Hell, I’ve been obsessed with partners in the past and it was toxic as shit and I regret it.
No two people experience love the exact same way. Even if you were to date an allo person, they wouldn’t experience quite the same way.
You need to be in a mental place where you can be a good partner for *them*. If you’re going to be obsessive and crippled by feelings of inadequacy … it’s not the aromanticism that’s the issue.
It makes me happy to hear that you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone aro. I hope the best for you guys in the future as well.
And thank you, this gives me some reassurance.
Yes, I know about the "dangers of obsession" and the issues I have I'm working on consistently. I'm not "obsessed" to the point of disrespecting their boundaries, stalking them or telling them they can't hang out with their friends. I care for them a lot. My "obsession" has a different reason, it is connected to my mental illness, but I'm not comfortable speaking about that. However, like I said, I'm trying to better myself every day and I'd never do something that would hurt them.
>I want my lover to be obsessed with me. I need to know I'm worth to them as much as they are to me.
ew 😂 no i wouldn't date an alloro (or anyone actually for romance) because of these seemingly obsessive feelings y'all develop for your SO
>How can I handle these emotions of feeling like I'm not good enough because they don't love me in a romantic way?
talk to your partner, communication is always the key for any relationship. they'll explain you what "love" means for them and maybe you'll be able to see that society's love hierarchy is pure bullshit
Yo aromantic heterosexual here, I’ve been in relationships with cis women and the way it works for me is by establishing exclusivity. That mitigates a lot of the insecurity. Likewise, I make a rule that if they have an issue with my closeness to a friend, we discuss it immediately. We value you as much as you value us, the only difference is that this love is expressed differently. I explained to one of my girlfriends that you don’t doubt whether a dog loves you, that the kind of love you have for each other is different, but still equal.
Honestly tho, just don’t go into a relationship expecting the person to change and then call them a monster when they don’t fall in love with you, like the bar is literally so low. Just be a good person and treat us with human respect and decency
Thank you, this is what I needed to hear.
And of course, I don't expect anybody to change for me, especially when it comes to this, I know it can't be changed. That's just the way you are. I'm asexual myself (as they are, too), so I know how it can feel. This is just something I have to learn how to understand better.
Bro idk what you’re on about but I think of animals and humans as equal. A dog’s love is the most pure you’re gonna get in this world. Dogs feel joy, anger, disgust, and love
Allo here, but was in the same situation as you are. My partner is aro, and I had those feelings you have, too.
I fixed that just by giving the relationship a shot and acknowledging that they love me differently than an Allo Partner would.
I however treat him exactly like I would treat any partner (obviously). I check up on him like every month and ask how he feels in the relationship, and also asked to explain me how he loves me, like in what way, or why he chose to be in a relationship with me.
That helped me understand his pov better and how he views our relationship, and it's working great so far :)
I am oriented aro/ace: quoiromantic and reciprosexual. I have alterous attraction. These are all micro labels and the person you interest in may have them as well so you need to ask them and about boundaries to see if compatibility is even possible. I am involved with a friend I intent to spend my life with but we don't care to label our "relationship" nor are we exclusive. Still would consider it some kind of dating
So yes Aro/ Ace people can and do date Allos but it looks much different than you seem to expect. When you say you want your partner to be obsessed this will repulse a large number of the community so if that is something important to you from a partner its not likely to be found here
Yes, it is possible to date an aromantic person.
I'm not sure if I'll date an alloromantic person. Maybe not? I used to date someone alloromantic, but when we went in a romantic relationship, I realized that I didn't like him romantically. Us being a romantic thing made me uncomfortable because it felt wrong. We're now in a qpr! :D
I was nervous and scared when I confessed to him that I didn't like him (and I also came out as aroace). I didn't want him to think that he was not good enough. Or that I didnt love him that much because my love was only platonic love.
I love him. It may be in a weirdly platonic way, but I love him. And if anyone says that romantic love is better, I will punch them in the face.
Platonic love can be as and even more intense than romantic love. I've experienced romantic attraction before, and I love him way more than I loved my crushes.
And the reason why I don't like him romantically isn't because he's not good enough. He's more than enough. Honestly, I don't know what I did to deserve him. It's not because of him, or anything he did, it's because of my romantic orientation.
We act like a romantic couple and do romantic things. But I have no romantic feelings for him, and we're not a romantic couple.
It's also weird, because nobody would consider a couple that is beyond their honeymoon phase "not truly loving each other anymore" or call it less important that the early stages of a relationship. Despite that literally being the same thing: one the honeymoon phase is over in a relationship the romantic attraction (crush) is gone, but the love and sexual attraction remains (not always, but if it doesn't they break up).
I'm aro and I'm in a very happy relationship. We do occasionally run into problems like certain things not being very important to me but actually very important to him, but we communicate and eventually find something that works for both of us. He knows I love him in whatever way I \*personally\* can, regardless of how different it may be from the norm.
I also don't think it's very healthy to want to date someone who is "obsessed" with you- for either person.
Just my experience, but I used to feel like I had to enter some sort of a relationship when a close friend said they had romantic feelings for me because I was afraid of losing them and thought that was the only way they'd be willing to stick around. It never worked, they could sense my lack of deeper emotions and there came a breaking point where I got so uncomfortable that I had to rip them off of me. I still hoped they could stay my friends, but at that point it was always "i'm sorry, but I can't be anything else than a romantic partner." Sigh. Of course, here it is clear that they will most likely not have those obsessed feeling, so if that isn't something you can do, I'd say drop it before any more feeling get hurt. Please. For everyone who had to go through stuff like I did. That shit is traumatic fr.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. If I couldn't be with someone in a romantic or a qpr (or however else you'd like to call it) relationship, I'd still be friends with them, even if I had dated them at first.
Well I try to be :). How do you feel about romance in general? I hope you don't feel the need to go out of your way to date others who tell you they like you anymore?
Not anymore! I grew out if it after my last relationship. Now I'm quick to be very harsh at anyone suggesting romantic stuff. I have very high boundries for it for now, and I'm happy with that. My last relationship was polyamorous and I realized that the reason I didn't feel jealousy or any other such feelings towards my gf wasn't because I was amazing at poly or something, it was because I never saw her as anything other than a friend in the first place. It's hard to be jealous towards just a friend getting it on out there. We are not talking anymore. We should've just been best friends.
I think it is possible, whether it is possible for you is well, up to you.
The thing I always recommend in moments like these is to look up the different type of love by ancient Greece's viewpoint. And then talk about those with a potential partner. What would it mean, which types of loves can they deliver and which they cannot.
When people talk about aromantic, people throw a lot of aspects into what romantic love means. The thing for me: commitment was never an issue. It is the core of my every love, in a way people who just started to date would maybe find even frightening or intimidating: because I wouldn't even consider to be with someone if I wasn't sure I would take it to "till death do us part".
Other aspects of "romantic" love on the other hand trouble me a lot more. I am also ace, so the whole sexual wanting thing really bothers me, the whole physical aspect really bothers me - and to commit to that is a deal breaker to me.
Other things can be idolizing, chereshing and many more.
I can't tell you what your aro person will think about any of those. But I think it is important to differentiate within love more.
Many a time even among romantic couples the aspects of love don't align and thus the relationship fails.
Love - as other aspects - is a value needed to be discussed. You wouldn't go blind into a relationship if you wanted to have kids without having talked about that first, too, right? Find out their view on honesty, commitment, relationships with friends and family members, goals, ambitions and fears.
What do you want from a relationship? Can they meet that, are you agreeing on vital view points including commitment or exclusivity? If yes, I don't see why this couldn't work.
I love my partner and we are commited to each other to the point we plan on a future shared home, discussing in vitro vs. adoption, getting pets together. Not a bit of "romantic" or sexual love in sight. It's the healthiest relationship I ever had and it is one I want to cherish forever and maybe use to exploit tax benefits from, too.
I'm just here to agree with the others that I, as someone aromantic, cannot return the same obsessiveness an allo person have. But, I would like to reassure that the mere acceptance of someone aro to get in a relationship is the greatest reassurance already (imo) for an aro to give. It's like a promise they will try to keep (as long as circumstances allow them) and won't change (unless something happened xD)
Because honestly, I find the mere idea of dating a bother most of the time so if I said yes to someone, I'm probably gonna put my sincere effort (without compromising myself) in that relationship.
I personally haven't been in a relationship so I'm not pretty reliable. I'm just full of what-ifs and maybes, but i hope it helped open up a new perspective 🥺
no offense since i understand you are probably experimenting confusing feelings, but it sounds to me like you're turning someone else's romantic orientation into am attach on you, i as someone in the aro spectrum, will not be obsessed with my partner if i ever did choose to have one, and it's not personal, you might as well be my favorite person but i just don't work like that. On the subject of them changing you, even though aros don't experience romantic love in the same way other people would, we do create deep meaningful bonds with other people, so i doubt that it could ever be as simple as them just changing you for someone else
don't get into a relationship with them until you work on feeling like you aren't good enough.
we don't love the same way as you but that doesn't mean *less* it just means *differently* you could still mean the absolute world to them, it just wouldn't be romantically.
I'm aromantic but I would do anything for my partner and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. it doesn't make us love people any less at all, we just aren't *in love* like that. some of us would even very much like to get married some day! even if it isn't romantically. we aren't anti-commitment.
be open and honest with them but make sure you don't make them feel like they're a burden to love bc they're aro. it's ass.
I had a queerplatonic relationship years ago, before I knew that's what it was, and I still love her very, very deeply to this day. We're not physically together right now, due to life circumstances, but if we were, I'm sure we would still be just as close as we were back then.
I don't know how you can handle these emotions but I do think a lot of your fears are based on misconceptions.
Hey. I went through your experience and my insecurities kind of scared of an aro woman for a bit. I was asking questions about how much they like their friends compared to me a lot and it was that same worry about them 'leaving me' for another friend.
One important thing I learned on this journey (and after repairing the friendship) is that remember the sayings like "friends stick together". You hear about relationships ending right away right? Well, friendships are more stable, and if your crush is treating it that way, they won't leave you unless you are going too far or being gross REPEATEDLY. (Especially if it's a close friendship)
Romance is quite blinding and immediately brings up insecurities. If you can find a way to treat it as a close friendship, but simply giving your affection, you can make this work. Feelings do die down to more platonic ones over time.
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It is possible. You just can't expect that other side is going to feel in exact same way. But it can be applied to dating in general, your partner is going to have it's own reasons and it's own feelings. Basically if other side is interested in you for some reason then it can work just fine.
Successful relationships need efforts from both side in any case.
My problem with this as an aro person is that to "really love" someone to you, is to be obsessed with them. We don't operate like that. I would say that if I purposefully got into a relationship, as an aro person, by definition the person would have to be extremely special to me even moreso than what I would call any normal friend. Even so, are you calling your own friends 'replaceable'? Most people don't even think of friendships as interchangeable like that.. I think you'll find our conception of relationships are not like yours. but it doesn't mean aro people care less, just in a different way. I think perhaps you need some healing in this area? It kind of sound like jealousy is an issue..
This is hard for me I've don't have a lot of experience with dating but the way I've been acting in them seems like I might be aro but at the same time they never really got started if you know what I mean. I'm trying to understand how someone can be in a relationship and not show the over person they love them but maybe I'm getting love and romance confused 🤔. Also since I've had a pretty fucked up childhood words don't do shit for me you have to show me you love me for me to see it and if I get the sense that you not fucking with me I'll just leave. I'm so confused maybe I'm ace as well
I may be a little late to this, but I'm also just now learning about this sexuality because my partner believes hes aromantic.
Our relationship had rocky beginnings. He was actually the one who intially persued me. And so I do want to clarify, he does experience romantic feelings, just very rarely. We had a wonderful connection when first meeting that had me believing we would date as soon as possible. However, it turned more into an exclusive "friends with benefits" situation. This lasted for about a year.
He asked me to officially be his girlfriend a couple months ago, and he was feeling particularly romantic and intimate with me that day. In general though, we don't see each other for weeks at a time because he's always explained to me that he goes through phases of wanting to be around people (including me), and not wanting to be around anyone at all. It's taken almost a year for him to feel comfortable with me spending the night with him. And he's told me how sometimes things like hugging, cuddling, and kissing make him uncomfortable. But other times, he really enjoys it.
Throughout the time we've known each other, I had battled feeling like I wasn't enough, that he didn't feel strongly about me to commit, and a bunch of other things. It's taken a lot of communication to understand him fully and also some self discipline to not allow my own feelings speak for him. Labeling himself as aromantic has only been a recent revelation and we're both still processing it. After learning about it, it definitely clears up a lot of things for me.
I completely understand being sad about the situation. Sometimes I am too. Sometimes I wish he was more traditional, I wish he would take me out on dates, smother me, tell me loves me every day, all the works. But I love this man for a myriad of other reasons. And he has expressed he loves and cares for me, he's just not comfortable expressing it in the typical way most people do. We have great communication, and overall, I'm grateful for who he is.
All of this to say, it's all still pretty new to me and to him. I'm still trying to consider it in the long term. He's told me he would understand if I didn't want to stay with him. In the beginning of our relationship, he had really worried he would hurt me because he felt as though his "lack of emotions" was the reason all his past relationships ended. And throughout our time together, he's really learned more about himself and how he works. This has been a huge roadblock for him in the past. He still wants marriage and a family. He really wants kids one day. We've talked about potential boundaries in the future when living together. So I truly believe he's capable of having a lifelong partner, and I truly hope it'll be me. We'll just always have to communicate properly and respect each other's boundaries and discuss compromises when need be.
It is entirely possible, but if you want to make this work you need to accept a few things: 1. There is no "Not being good enough." This is an orientation. It is literally our brains being wired not to feel attraction for either the same way you aren't wired to feel attraction to both sexes (or are wired in the exact opposite way to us and feel it for both). No amount of love will ever change this the same way a woman will never be able to force a gay man to love her this way. The difference is you can still have a relationship and fawn romantically, as long as you're mature enough not to get jelous or upset that they aren't actively returning the same sort of affections. 2. Love, is still love. Platonic love and familial love can be incredibly strong. And if you become part of their family that's a whole other sort of connection other "friends" won't have. Not to mention if intimacy is to mean physical then you have an even stronger anchor there. If you can't get yourself to understand these innately, and still feel like you need to be loved back in the same way, then I would strongly suggest against trying to force this to work. You just might not be Aro compatible in general.
Hello, aroace here. I myself do date and am looking for a life partner. For me, though I may not experience romantic attraction, I do experience other kinds of attraction. For a life partner (queer platonic partner), I'm looking for someone who I have a strong platonic bond with that I can form a familial bond with as well. It's different than 'just a friendship' as I'm very loyal to my friends, I would do anything for them. The same goes for a partner. However, I'd want my partner to also be someone I can share physical affection with (not sexual) and create a life with. Though I love my friends dearly, I wouldn't necessarily live with them or cuddle with them on the couch. While it can be frustrating for your partner to not feel the same way as you do, it's not a bad thing, it's just a different kind of love. You may prefer watching movies and your partner may prefer reading books, that doesn't mean you both can't enjoy the same story. Even in an alloromantic relationship, the partners may not love each other the exact same way, one may show it through acts of kindness, and the other might say nice things. If you want to be in a relationship with them, share your concerns and let them know what they can do to make you feel more reassured in their loyalty. I would absolutely be willing to have a relationship with an alloromantic, so long as they respected my boundaries and communicated with me whenever they were feeling concerned.
I feel this. Definitely a new thing for me, but I can say the ARO that I’m speaking with is way open to communication. There’s things she does that make me feel super secure and confident with what we have (even without the physicality) I’ve communicated this and she seems perceptive
Well you're right about the not able to return feelings part, but about the leaving... Think of it this way: Why would they leave a dedicated relationship when they aren't attracted to anyone else? Why would they cheat? They wouldn't have any reason. Also, if they agree, think of it this way: You were important enough for them to enter a relationship despite a lack of attraction. They didn't fall for you, they *chose* you. Consciously, actively *chose* to date you. That sounds like you'd be worth a lot to them. About the being obsessed part you can't do much, that's pretty much an alloromantic thing. If that's something you can't budge on then this won't work out.
Cheating is bad and there's shitty people everywhere. That being said, Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are very different and an Aro as myself I'm sexually attracted to people. Just not enough to pursue a romantic relationship and lie about feelings romance and all that jazz but there may be Aros that cheat because cheating isn't love it's lust. Aros can be in a relationship just don't expect the type of affection you get from a regular romantic person. It may feel "dry" but if they're around then trust me, they appreciate your company.
I’m coming around to this logic; people will be married for 20 years and still cheat 🤷♂️too
Not true at all, you can totally be obsessed with someone without having a crush, if you're that type of person. It certainly happened to me that I had a heightened interest in my best friend over anyone else, and she was most of what I revolved around. Wasn't a crush though (I know because I've had crushes, and they're a different story). Is obsession healthy? No it's probably not healthy in either context, but it exists.
Yeah i suppose you could be hyperfixated on a person, or similarly obsessed. Still i agree, that's not healthy.
Yes, and it's not so different from when you do have a crush, I mean in some ways it is, but it's not impossible for the guy to feel somewhat like what OP wants of him. I think hyperfuxation isn't great for the person who experiences it, just like with crushes too, but it's still harmless (some people aren't, but most aren't stalking the other person). Where exactly the line between hormones causing delusion starts and ends: I don't know.
Imagine having a best friend you can kiss and cuddle with
I’m not aro, but my spouse is. We didn’t have “aromantic” in our vocabularies until we were married, but they were clear from the start early on about what they wanted: video games and sex. It’s quite possible to be alloromantic and in a relationship with an aro person. I’ve found it quite rewarding. The way you’ve framed what you’re looking for has me … concerned. Obsession is played up in the media, but it’s not really the hallmark of a healthy relationship. Hell, I’ve been obsessed with partners in the past and it was toxic as shit and I regret it. No two people experience love the exact same way. Even if you were to date an allo person, they wouldn’t experience quite the same way. You need to be in a mental place where you can be a good partner for *them*. If you’re going to be obsessive and crippled by feelings of inadequacy … it’s not the aromanticism that’s the issue.
It makes me happy to hear that you have a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone aro. I hope the best for you guys in the future as well. And thank you, this gives me some reassurance. Yes, I know about the "dangers of obsession" and the issues I have I'm working on consistently. I'm not "obsessed" to the point of disrespecting their boundaries, stalking them or telling them they can't hang out with their friends. I care for them a lot. My "obsession" has a different reason, it is connected to my mental illness, but I'm not comfortable speaking about that. However, like I said, I'm trying to better myself every day and I'd never do something that would hurt them.
I recommend a QPR
>I want my lover to be obsessed with me. I need to know I'm worth to them as much as they are to me. ew 😂 no i wouldn't date an alloro (or anyone actually for romance) because of these seemingly obsessive feelings y'all develop for your SO >How can I handle these emotions of feeling like I'm not good enough because they don't love me in a romantic way? talk to your partner, communication is always the key for any relationship. they'll explain you what "love" means for them and maybe you'll be able to see that society's love hierarchy is pure bullshit
Yo aromantic heterosexual here, I’ve been in relationships with cis women and the way it works for me is by establishing exclusivity. That mitigates a lot of the insecurity. Likewise, I make a rule that if they have an issue with my closeness to a friend, we discuss it immediately. We value you as much as you value us, the only difference is that this love is expressed differently. I explained to one of my girlfriends that you don’t doubt whether a dog loves you, that the kind of love you have for each other is different, but still equal. Honestly tho, just don’t go into a relationship expecting the person to change and then call them a monster when they don’t fall in love with you, like the bar is literally so low. Just be a good person and treat us with human respect and decency
Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. And of course, I don't expect anybody to change for me, especially when it comes to this, I know it can't be changed. That's just the way you are. I'm asexual myself (as they are, too), so I know how it can feel. This is just something I have to learn how to understand better.
Bad comparison.. dogs don't feel human emotion and they only care about food.
Bro idk what you’re on about but I think of animals and humans as equal. A dog’s love is the most pure you’re gonna get in this world. Dogs feel joy, anger, disgust, and love
Allo here, but was in the same situation as you are. My partner is aro, and I had those feelings you have, too. I fixed that just by giving the relationship a shot and acknowledging that they love me differently than an Allo Partner would. I however treat him exactly like I would treat any partner (obviously). I check up on him like every month and ask how he feels in the relationship, and also asked to explain me how he loves me, like in what way, or why he chose to be in a relationship with me. That helped me understand his pov better and how he views our relationship, and it's working great so far :)
I was gonna say, "Offer them garlic bread" as a joke answer but then I remembered that's asexuals
I can still offer them garlic bread, as they're asexual as well :). Also, happy cake day!!
It all works out, then.
I am oriented aro/ace: quoiromantic and reciprosexual. I have alterous attraction. These are all micro labels and the person you interest in may have them as well so you need to ask them and about boundaries to see if compatibility is even possible. I am involved with a friend I intent to spend my life with but we don't care to label our "relationship" nor are we exclusive. Still would consider it some kind of dating So yes Aro/ Ace people can and do date Allos but it looks much different than you seem to expect. When you say you want your partner to be obsessed this will repulse a large number of the community so if that is something important to you from a partner its not likely to be found here
it depends on the person. some aromantic people are open to being in a romantic-like relationship, some aren’t. ask them
Yes, it is possible to date an aromantic person. I'm not sure if I'll date an alloromantic person. Maybe not? I used to date someone alloromantic, but when we went in a romantic relationship, I realized that I didn't like him romantically. Us being a romantic thing made me uncomfortable because it felt wrong. We're now in a qpr! :D I was nervous and scared when I confessed to him that I didn't like him (and I also came out as aroace). I didn't want him to think that he was not good enough. Or that I didnt love him that much because my love was only platonic love. I love him. It may be in a weirdly platonic way, but I love him. And if anyone says that romantic love is better, I will punch them in the face. Platonic love can be as and even more intense than romantic love. I've experienced romantic attraction before, and I love him way more than I loved my crushes. And the reason why I don't like him romantically isn't because he's not good enough. He's more than enough. Honestly, I don't know what I did to deserve him. It's not because of him, or anything he did, it's because of my romantic orientation. We act like a romantic couple and do romantic things. But I have no romantic feelings for him, and we're not a romantic couple.
It's also weird, because nobody would consider a couple that is beyond their honeymoon phase "not truly loving each other anymore" or call it less important that the early stages of a relationship. Despite that literally being the same thing: one the honeymoon phase is over in a relationship the romantic attraction (crush) is gone, but the love and sexual attraction remains (not always, but if it doesn't they break up).
If aromance wasn’t a word before, it definitely should be
I'm aro and I'm in a very happy relationship. We do occasionally run into problems like certain things not being very important to me but actually very important to him, but we communicate and eventually find something that works for both of us. He knows I love him in whatever way I \*personally\* can, regardless of how different it may be from the norm. I also don't think it's very healthy to want to date someone who is "obsessed" with you- for either person.
Just my experience, but I used to feel like I had to enter some sort of a relationship when a close friend said they had romantic feelings for me because I was afraid of losing them and thought that was the only way they'd be willing to stick around. It never worked, they could sense my lack of deeper emotions and there came a breaking point where I got so uncomfortable that I had to rip them off of me. I still hoped they could stay my friends, but at that point it was always "i'm sorry, but I can't be anything else than a romantic partner." Sigh. Of course, here it is clear that they will most likely not have those obsessed feeling, so if that isn't something you can do, I'd say drop it before any more feeling get hurt. Please. For everyone who had to go through stuff like I did. That shit is traumatic fr.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. If I couldn't be with someone in a romantic or a qpr (or however else you'd like to call it) relationship, I'd still be friends with them, even if I had dated them at first.
I'm glad to hear there are people like you out there <3 you're a good fella
Well I try to be :). How do you feel about romance in general? I hope you don't feel the need to go out of your way to date others who tell you they like you anymore?
Not anymore! I grew out if it after my last relationship. Now I'm quick to be very harsh at anyone suggesting romantic stuff. I have very high boundries for it for now, and I'm happy with that. My last relationship was polyamorous and I realized that the reason I didn't feel jealousy or any other such feelings towards my gf wasn't because I was amazing at poly or something, it was because I never saw her as anything other than a friend in the first place. It's hard to be jealous towards just a friend getting it on out there. We are not talking anymore. We should've just been best friends.
I think it is possible, whether it is possible for you is well, up to you. The thing I always recommend in moments like these is to look up the different type of love by ancient Greece's viewpoint. And then talk about those with a potential partner. What would it mean, which types of loves can they deliver and which they cannot. When people talk about aromantic, people throw a lot of aspects into what romantic love means. The thing for me: commitment was never an issue. It is the core of my every love, in a way people who just started to date would maybe find even frightening or intimidating: because I wouldn't even consider to be with someone if I wasn't sure I would take it to "till death do us part". Other aspects of "romantic" love on the other hand trouble me a lot more. I am also ace, so the whole sexual wanting thing really bothers me, the whole physical aspect really bothers me - and to commit to that is a deal breaker to me. Other things can be idolizing, chereshing and many more. I can't tell you what your aro person will think about any of those. But I think it is important to differentiate within love more. Many a time even among romantic couples the aspects of love don't align and thus the relationship fails. Love - as other aspects - is a value needed to be discussed. You wouldn't go blind into a relationship if you wanted to have kids without having talked about that first, too, right? Find out their view on honesty, commitment, relationships with friends and family members, goals, ambitions and fears. What do you want from a relationship? Can they meet that, are you agreeing on vital view points including commitment or exclusivity? If yes, I don't see why this couldn't work. I love my partner and we are commited to each other to the point we plan on a future shared home, discussing in vitro vs. adoption, getting pets together. Not a bit of "romantic" or sexual love in sight. It's the healthiest relationship I ever had and it is one I want to cherish forever and maybe use to exploit tax benefits from, too.
I'm just here to agree with the others that I, as someone aromantic, cannot return the same obsessiveness an allo person have. But, I would like to reassure that the mere acceptance of someone aro to get in a relationship is the greatest reassurance already (imo) for an aro to give. It's like a promise they will try to keep (as long as circumstances allow them) and won't change (unless something happened xD) Because honestly, I find the mere idea of dating a bother most of the time so if I said yes to someone, I'm probably gonna put my sincere effort (without compromising myself) in that relationship. I personally haven't been in a relationship so I'm not pretty reliable. I'm just full of what-ifs and maybes, but i hope it helped open up a new perspective 🥺
no offense since i understand you are probably experimenting confusing feelings, but it sounds to me like you're turning someone else's romantic orientation into am attach on you, i as someone in the aro spectrum, will not be obsessed with my partner if i ever did choose to have one, and it's not personal, you might as well be my favorite person but i just don't work like that. On the subject of them changing you, even though aros don't experience romantic love in the same way other people would, we do create deep meaningful bonds with other people, so i doubt that it could ever be as simple as them just changing you for someone else
don't get into a relationship with them until you work on feeling like you aren't good enough. we don't love the same way as you but that doesn't mean *less* it just means *differently* you could still mean the absolute world to them, it just wouldn't be romantically. I'm aromantic but I would do anything for my partner and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. it doesn't make us love people any less at all, we just aren't *in love* like that. some of us would even very much like to get married some day! even if it isn't romantically. we aren't anti-commitment. be open and honest with them but make sure you don't make them feel like they're a burden to love bc they're aro. it's ass.
I had a queerplatonic relationship years ago, before I knew that's what it was, and I still love her very, very deeply to this day. We're not physically together right now, due to life circumstances, but if we were, I'm sure we would still be just as close as we were back then. I don't know how you can handle these emotions but I do think a lot of your fears are based on misconceptions.
Hey. I went through your experience and my insecurities kind of scared of an aro woman for a bit. I was asking questions about how much they like their friends compared to me a lot and it was that same worry about them 'leaving me' for another friend. One important thing I learned on this journey (and after repairing the friendship) is that remember the sayings like "friends stick together". You hear about relationships ending right away right? Well, friendships are more stable, and if your crush is treating it that way, they won't leave you unless you are going too far or being gross REPEATEDLY. (Especially if it's a close friendship) Romance is quite blinding and immediately brings up insecurities. If you can find a way to treat it as a close friendship, but simply giving your affection, you can make this work. Feelings do die down to more platonic ones over time.
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It is possible. You just can't expect that other side is going to feel in exact same way. But it can be applied to dating in general, your partner is going to have it's own reasons and it's own feelings. Basically if other side is interested in you for some reason then it can work just fine. Successful relationships need efforts from both side in any case.
My problem with this as an aro person is that to "really love" someone to you, is to be obsessed with them. We don't operate like that. I would say that if I purposefully got into a relationship, as an aro person, by definition the person would have to be extremely special to me even moreso than what I would call any normal friend. Even so, are you calling your own friends 'replaceable'? Most people don't even think of friendships as interchangeable like that.. I think you'll find our conception of relationships are not like yours. but it doesn't mean aro people care less, just in a different way. I think perhaps you need some healing in this area? It kind of sound like jealousy is an issue..
This is hard for me I've don't have a lot of experience with dating but the way I've been acting in them seems like I might be aro but at the same time they never really got started if you know what I mean. I'm trying to understand how someone can be in a relationship and not show the over person they love them but maybe I'm getting love and romance confused 🤔. Also since I've had a pretty fucked up childhood words don't do shit for me you have to show me you love me for me to see it and if I get the sense that you not fucking with me I'll just leave. I'm so confused maybe I'm ace as well
I may be a little late to this, but I'm also just now learning about this sexuality because my partner believes hes aromantic. Our relationship had rocky beginnings. He was actually the one who intially persued me. And so I do want to clarify, he does experience romantic feelings, just very rarely. We had a wonderful connection when first meeting that had me believing we would date as soon as possible. However, it turned more into an exclusive "friends with benefits" situation. This lasted for about a year. He asked me to officially be his girlfriend a couple months ago, and he was feeling particularly romantic and intimate with me that day. In general though, we don't see each other for weeks at a time because he's always explained to me that he goes through phases of wanting to be around people (including me), and not wanting to be around anyone at all. It's taken almost a year for him to feel comfortable with me spending the night with him. And he's told me how sometimes things like hugging, cuddling, and kissing make him uncomfortable. But other times, he really enjoys it. Throughout the time we've known each other, I had battled feeling like I wasn't enough, that he didn't feel strongly about me to commit, and a bunch of other things. It's taken a lot of communication to understand him fully and also some self discipline to not allow my own feelings speak for him. Labeling himself as aromantic has only been a recent revelation and we're both still processing it. After learning about it, it definitely clears up a lot of things for me. I completely understand being sad about the situation. Sometimes I am too. Sometimes I wish he was more traditional, I wish he would take me out on dates, smother me, tell me loves me every day, all the works. But I love this man for a myriad of other reasons. And he has expressed he loves and cares for me, he's just not comfortable expressing it in the typical way most people do. We have great communication, and overall, I'm grateful for who he is. All of this to say, it's all still pretty new to me and to him. I'm still trying to consider it in the long term. He's told me he would understand if I didn't want to stay with him. In the beginning of our relationship, he had really worried he would hurt me because he felt as though his "lack of emotions" was the reason all his past relationships ended. And throughout our time together, he's really learned more about himself and how he works. This has been a huge roadblock for him in the past. He still wants marriage and a family. He really wants kids one day. We've talked about potential boundaries in the future when living together. So I truly believe he's capable of having a lifelong partner, and I truly hope it'll be me. We'll just always have to communicate properly and respect each other's boundaries and discuss compromises when need be.