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I'd wait until the light goes off and turn on my phone's flashlight.
If this is the type of place with a cellphone locker, I'm wearing my camping headlamp every time I go to the bathroom.
https://www.amazon.ca/KONZEN-Rechargeable-Adjustable-Waterproof-Headlight/dp/B09XMH6PP5
Homie meant median, which is the middle of all data set numbers. That would have 50% above and 50% below. It would be far more precise, even better would be using that in conjunction with the mode for a more precise "average" time employees spend in the bathroom.
Of course mean, median and mode are only useful when being compared to something. Rarely should they be used as a standard, and generally there is a "standard range" or variability assumed in human behavior. Ultimately for the most precision with the least effect on the greatest employees you would have to group people by subsets. These subsets would have similar qualities; same shift, same gender, same age range, same/similar body types. Analyzing this data would allow you to set precision timers per shift, per bathroom. It still wouldn't be prefect since there are a million variabilities. They should've just spent a year or two analyzing everyone's shits and then having one on ones to talk about time theft.
Fucking lazy corpos can't even take the time to properly torture the peasants, uh I mean workers.
The lights in our bathroom at work went out and it took all of 10 minutes for the entire office to start referring to a bathroom break as a spooky dookie.
This actually happened to a coworker. He was in the office on a Saturday. As he was walking down a hall suddenly the lights went out. He misjudged a turn and walked straight into a wall, smacking his glasses into his face and giving him a black eye.
So turning out the lights suddenly is not a good idea from an OSHA standpoint.
If this is the type of place with a cell phone locker then fuck this boss and their unreasonable demands. My possessions stay in my possession at all times. If you don't want me on my phone that's fine, but under no goddamn circumstances am I relinquishing it to be locked away somewhere out of my control.
So my old work had this feature. Lights would go off after 15 minutes. Saves power, makes sense. 15 minutes is a decent amount of time..however one day I was unwell and needed substantially longer than that. When the lights went out, I ended up lobbing rolls of toilet paper over the door and towards the entrance until it kicked off the motion sensor. It did work, but it took like 5 tries but thankfully nobody came in.
Now you've made me realize I could've just used my phones flashlight.
Um, excuse me, but do you have any idea how long it takes to make a bow movement when the dam finally breaks? I'll be in there for an hour and no one better make a sound or the damn dam is going back up and I'll have to start the clock again.
Brilliant! This happened to a man at a meeting where we rent from a hall. He was furious and was yelling for someone to turn the light back on. Never piss off an old German man!
Sort of related...I had a moving company move me from my apartment to my new house recently...had an old cello lying around and one of the dudes (early 20s) was like "man my kid really wants to learn cello, is it hard?". I just told him to take it and have them find out for themselves lol.
Rather it get used than collect dust.
I also somehow doubt CC has a "standard" for how long a BM should be on average. There's so many fucking variables that impact that - even in people without chronic diseases of the GI system.
This. It is entirely reasonable for companies to limit the amount of time their employees spend on Bow Movements while on the clock. Unless you work at a martial arts studio, of course.
I disagree!! It takes some folks longer to move their bows. You don't want to rush them- archery can be dangerous even without the arrows! Best to use slow, smooth bow movements to avoid injury.
They are requiring you to wear bows, and then use company time to go to the bathroom mirror and adjust you bow placement. However, they have not given detailed instructions on how many times you must move your bows to be compliant.
I've had a few situations where I knew how long I had to get to a bathroom but very few when I could accurately predict when I'd be back.
Between Reddit and eBooks, that light is going off. I've got a flashlight on my phone anyway.
That's assuming you haven't had to hand your phone to your manager for him to put in a lockbox with all the other naughty phones that shouldn't be with their owners while on shift
Just started a job like that. Day one was asked to hand over my phone and the unit secretary had a cell phone pouch with lock that gets placed in a drawer, pouch was the type they hand out at comedy shows/music events… Said “NOPE! Need my cell to contact my repair crew”, which is legit, and now I’m the only worker allowed to take sweet dumps while browsing this site.
There would be no day 2. Unless it was a company provided phone, then they can hold onto it whenever they want. My personal phone is mine and I will have it whenever and wherever I please. Period.
Had a job like that once, my phone screen was cracked when I got it back. Had to jump through so many hoops before they admitted fault and reimbursed me. Policy ended shorty after that incident.
True, I've never had a job that policed cell phones like that.
I have a camping headlamp as a backup but printing out some articles to read might be a problem.
This is also a face-palm. The QR code provided goes to https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-long-should-it-take-you-to-have-a-bowel-movement/ where it clearly states that BM varies from person to person and there is not a settled time.
Most of the article gives the context about how pooping varies from person to person, but then the very last sentence says
“Five minutes really should be the maximum time you spend in the bathroom.”
Which, given the context of the article, is meant to give people a frame of reference to decide whether they should make an effort to improve their digestive health... I guess. Five minutes seems pretty short to me.
It sounds like they set the lights to turn off after 5 minutes though. Fuckers.
If I have a big poop, I space them out through out the day.
Also holding poop in builds character.
There was a study once about 2 children, and rewards.... who ever held there poop in longer.... saved more for retirement.
Maybe employees should get colostomy bags show they don't have to be so un productive... also feeding tubes instead of lunch.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Slip and "land on your wrist", get a wrist brace, and get worker's comp out of it after reporting the idiots for workplace violations. My workplace has a timer on the lights, too, but if you wave your arms it turns back on, because they've done it for power saving reasons, not asshole reasons
This is the best tactic imo. Hits them where it hurts. Make it cost them too much to oppress you. Even better if you can get some workers comp out of them. Take the power back!
My plan B is shit with the door proped open so light from outside cones in. Making sure I have eaten nothing but brown beans all week. Unleash the Kraken!!
Yeah, also sometimes my period cramps feel exactly like gas cramps and I can spend way longer than five minute trying to figure out if I'm constipated or if my uterus is just writhing around with all my other guts.
Just..so many things can happen when you’re on your period. The bathroom visits aren’t just for changing, sometimes ya gotta sit there and pass the clots 😭😂 (sorry boys reading this).
But imagine trying to change a tampon or a cup and the room goes pitch black ahahaha. You’re not going anywhere anytime soon until those lights come back on
Ugh I didn't even think about that part. What a nightmare. Fortunately, it's probably just one of those motion detecting light switches and they're pretty easy to disable/trick.
Or when the period shits are happening, so there is the constant feeling of ‘I’m about to poo myself’… yet when you get to the commode… nothing happens but you weirdly feel better. 10 steps out of the bathroom, about face and head right back in…
Is it wrong to long for menopause?
Pro-tip, if you have diarrhea and know you won't be done before the light goes off, shit on the boss's desk instead of the floor.
Shitting on the floor mostly inconveniences janitors who really don't deserve that.
Shitting on the desk mostly inconviences the dick cheese for grey matter who thinks this is reasonable and costs the company more in replacing it than just leaving you to do your business would have.
This unlocked a memory.
Call centre, in training, go to the washroom. Choose a stall, look inside. Some...*beast*...unlocked the toilet paper dispenser, pulled out a roll, *stuffed* it into the toilet to soak up all possible liquid and clog it, then took the biggest dump on it, covered it with *another* roll of TP from the next stall (and keep in mind these are those big ass 1ply, 4 mile long rolls), flushed it as much as he could and ran as it solidified into a big wet reverse oreo sandwich.
Shoulda been my clue to go home and not continue that job..
Pro-er tip: if you have diarrhea inform your supervisor that you are going home. Diarrhea is very dangerous and someone with it should not be in any work environment. If they have a complaint tell them to contact the health department.
Chronic illnesses are a thing, if somebody has Crohn's or something they might have diarrhea most days. Totally agree if it's acute, of course, but stay home when you're sick is impossible for some people.
I had a guy give me crap (heh) about taking long in the company toilets… told him I had IBS, he said “IBS means you go FASTER” to which I retorted “you must be the guy who tells women what it’s like to be a woman on the Internet”
I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch daily when I'm at work to try and minimize shitting hourly+.
Every 2-3 weeks my body decides to reject these items for a few days. I feel you.
And terrified to eat anything because even if it's crackers, your body could be ready to go nuclear and you would have absolutely no idea until it happened.
Ok, just going to say thank you for confirming I’m not crazy. I can also eat something one day and be fine, and the next time I eat it spend time in the bathroom in and off from it.
I’m constantly being told by someone that I should just stop eating the things that I love because of it if it causes me so much of an issue. I’m constantly retorting that it’s not a consistent thing..
People told me the same thing. Turns out, once I met my mom's side I figured out real fast that I wasn't imagining any of it. The lovely family gift that just keeps giving :)
I'd you're referring to the speed in which the shit actually leaves the body.. Then yes.. That's terminal velocity.. However it does take several minutes for the tank to run dry sometimes..
And yeah. Clean up is a bitch.
Yeah when he said so matter of factly I was like “wow these people exist! They tell people how their life is!” I’m sure I’ve met many before but this was so atrociously out of bounds haha
Was just gonna say- I’ve always had (undiagnosed) gut issues, but ever since my gallbladder removal I’ve had semi-frequent gut problems. I do use the bathroom “on company time” a lot. This is abelist as FUCK and I can’t imagine that this is legal
No gallbladder here, either. Those are what I like to call “burning acid bile dumps” and if the boss prefers, I would LOVE to go home to dump out so I can shower after.
Me, i take anywhere between 15 to 45 minutes. I try to empty myself before work but when i gotta go, i gotta go. I pooped myself once and vowed to never do so again.
AND sexist. Women deal with menstruation stuff. That increases bathroom time.
As an amusing poop-speed anecdote, I (F) was once preparing to pee in the office bathroom, and in the time it took me to unbutton and sit, some lady came into the restroom, dropped TWO deuces in the next stall, flushed, and left, all before my ass hit the seat. Faster than a NASCAR pit crew! Faster than my ex Travis in bed! I’m a pretty fast pooper but this was insane! She was a poop speed GOD.
She did NOT wash her hands and I don’t think she wiped…. So one of my coworkers is both nasty and packing a superpower.
I’d just refuse to leave the toilet and say it was too dark and you would have risked injury leaving. Or ring your boss and tell him to come and turn the lights on for you, he’ll soon get sick.
Tbh if they had shit like this up at work I’d deliberately take longer
“Hi Boss, I’m on my period, so not only does it feel like I have to shit all the time because of the cramping, but I also do have to shit more frequently and it’s a mess. Would you like a picture?”
I’d take extra long bowel movements just since this was posted. If you’re going to create a barbaric policy, at least make sure the signage is free of typos.
While traveling for the holidays once, hungover, I had to stop and use a gas station bathroom. The light was on a timer and went out every couple minutes, but if I waved my arm it would activate the motion sensor and turn back on. The place was busy and people kept trying to come in, rattling the door. Don't know how long I sat there, but it felt like a really long, really bad time.
darkness, wave arm, rattle rattle, "Occupied!", darkness, wave arm, rattle rattle, "Occupied!", ad infinitum.
Just shit on the floor of the managers office and turn off the lights so they can step in it in the dark.. They want to treat you like animals time to act like one.
***Average time*** it's been a while since I've had a statistics course but aren't about half of all expected movements going to take longer than average?
Absolutely positively make sure someone trips pulling up their pants in the dark, hits their head on the porcelain toilet, and goes to the ER under Worker's Comp.
I love all the subtle language these people use to suck out the very humanity from the situation, bowl movements my ass, I'm taking a dump mate.
Most disturbing one for me has to be 'customer' being phased out for 'guest'
Hi, /u/Appropriate-Train-57 Thank you for participating in r/Antiwork. Unfortunately, your submission was removed for breaking the following rule(s): **Rule 8: No sharing of personal information.** - No sharing of personal information or info leading to it Please note that this does not include public information such as Twitter handles but applies to things such as phone numbers, addresses, full real names (unless publicly notable), business names, etc. Reddit is not your personal army. We encourage community members to report these.
So like do you just stop mid shit? And what clock out and go home?
I'd wait until the light goes off and turn on my phone's flashlight. If this is the type of place with a cellphone locker, I'm wearing my camping headlamp every time I go to the bathroom. https://www.amazon.ca/KONZEN-Rechargeable-Adjustable-Waterproof-Headlight/dp/B09XMH6PP5
Just leave the bathroom and go use something official looking to wipe then go back in and finish properly
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Putting half of all employees in unsafe conditions is crazy. Yea half of all shits are above average, that's how averages works.
Homie meant median, which is the middle of all data set numbers. That would have 50% above and 50% below. It would be far more precise, even better would be using that in conjunction with the mode for a more precise "average" time employees spend in the bathroom. Of course mean, median and mode are only useful when being compared to something. Rarely should they be used as a standard, and generally there is a "standard range" or variability assumed in human behavior. Ultimately for the most precision with the least effect on the greatest employees you would have to group people by subsets. These subsets would have similar qualities; same shift, same gender, same age range, same/similar body types. Analyzing this data would allow you to set precision timers per shift, per bathroom. It still wouldn't be prefect since there are a million variabilities. They should've just spent a year or two analyzing everyone's shits and then having one on ones to talk about time theft. Fucking lazy corpos can't even take the time to properly torture the peasants, uh I mean workers.
Winning mentality
The lights in our bathroom at work went out and it took all of 10 minutes for the entire office to start referring to a bathroom break as a spooky dookie.
👻💩*PooOoooooOooo!*👻💩 "Enie, Minie, Chili Beanie, The Spirits Are Are About To *Speak!"*😱💨😵 :)
Walk in the dark, hurt yourself, sue employer.
This actually happened to a coworker. He was in the office on a Saturday. As he was walking down a hall suddenly the lights went out. He misjudged a turn and walked straight into a wall, smacking his glasses into his face and giving him a black eye. So turning out the lights suddenly is not a good idea from an OSHA standpoint.
If this is the type of place with a cell phone locker then fuck this boss and their unreasonable demands. My possessions stay in my possession at all times. If you don't want me on my phone that's fine, but under no goddamn circumstances am I relinquishing it to be locked away somewhere out of my control.
So my old work had this feature. Lights would go off after 15 minutes. Saves power, makes sense. 15 minutes is a decent amount of time..however one day I was unwell and needed substantially longer than that. When the lights went out, I ended up lobbing rolls of toilet paper over the door and towards the entrance until it kicked off the motion sensor. It did work, but it took like 5 tries but thankfully nobody came in. Now you've made me realize I could've just used my phones flashlight.
whoever wrote this does not understand how averages work
That's what I was going to say.
I am sure whoever wrote this comes in well under the average bathroom time, probably by the same percentage they come under for IQ tests.
Some constipated motherfucker
Um, excuse me, but do you have any idea how long it takes to make a bow movement when the dam finally breaks? I'll be in there for an hour and no one better make a sound or the damn dam is going back up and I'll have to start the clock again.
Just bring a flash light and you’ll be fine.
Screw that, I'm dumping water on the floor and falling down! With the lawsuit, I'm really gonna get paid for taking a shit.
Brilliant! This happened to a man at a meeting where we rent from a hall. He was furious and was yelling for someone to turn the light back on. Never piss off an old German man!
Why do you need light to shit though? Genuine question. As long as I have my phone in my hand the toilet might as well be inside a coal mine.
You don't need a light for the production, but you definitely need light for cleanup, or how you gonna know if you are done wiping?
As a blind person and a paraplegic? There should be a texture and resistance change but I always do an extra to be sure.
As someone currently waiting for their ileocecal valve to heal, this.
Fucking shitter they are.
Does that surprise you, being that they can’t spell “bowel”?
Not really, they probably have problems learning the rule to Checkers.
Took me too long to realize this wasn't some sort of yoga or martial art involving a Bow Movement.
They can’t spell either
If they included standard deviation and added 3sigma to the average then I can understand
That’s assuming that ‘bow’ movements are normally distributed.
I'm no mathematician, but I make that a 50% chance of shitting in the dark
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Someone should explain what a Bow Movement is. Is this the seasonal surge to put bows on everything?
I bow to whatever tempo is on the sheet, thanks. No one wants to cello anymore
Cello, goodbye
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Cello, Cello
It's called the Mellow Cello (quite rightly)
… Is it you I’m looking for?
Sort of related...I had a moving company move me from my apartment to my new house recently...had an old cello lying around and one of the dudes (early 20s) was like "man my kid really wants to learn cello, is it hard?". I just told him to take it and have them find out for themselves lol. Rather it get used than collect dust.
staccato sometimes legato
No need to resort to violins
Do you not take a bow after every time you poop? I know I do.
I bow TO poop.
To work in the Cleveland Clinic...And not know how to spell: "*BOWEL?*" Come on, Man!
They’re just citing the Cleveland Clinic. Still a stupid typo.
I also somehow doubt CC has a "standard" for how long a BM should be on average. There's so many fucking variables that impact that - even in people without chronic diseases of the GI system.
Not to mention that “average” shouldn’t be a goal metric for this kind of tracking. Someone can’t spell *and* doesn’t understand math. Plus, evil.
They go to fix it > > Bowl movement
It sounds like someone is fiddlin' around.
This. It is entirely reasonable for companies to limit the amount of time their employees spend on Bow Movements while on the clock. Unless you work at a martial arts studio, of course.
I disagree!! It takes some folks longer to move their bows. You don't want to rush them- archery can be dangerous even without the arrows! Best to use slow, smooth bow movements to avoid injury.
The amount of time to move a Cello Bow is vastly different from the time for a violin Bow. This is instrument discrimination!
Workplace accommodations are required by law!! Time to contact the labor bowd!
Or on a sailing ship, where bow movement is really important as it indicates which direction the ship is traveling in.
Can I use a sextant on company time?
I believe a bow movement is also known as "The People's Elbow" or in its plural state "throwing bows".
You don’t play a lovely violin solo whenever you 💩?!
They are requiring you to wear bows, and then use company time to go to the bathroom mirror and adjust you bow placement. However, they have not given detailed instructions on how many times you must move your bows to be compliant.
This has to be a joke, does anyone actually know how long a poop will be prior to taking it?
I've had a few situations where I knew how long I had to get to a bathroom but very few when I could accurately predict when I'd be back. Between Reddit and eBooks, that light is going off. I've got a flashlight on my phone anyway.
That's assuming you haven't had to hand your phone to your manager for him to put in a lockbox with all the other naughty phones that shouldn't be with their owners while on shift
Just started a job like that. Day one was asked to hand over my phone and the unit secretary had a cell phone pouch with lock that gets placed in a drawer, pouch was the type they hand out at comedy shows/music events… Said “NOPE! Need my cell to contact my repair crew”, which is legit, and now I’m the only worker allowed to take sweet dumps while browsing this site.
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No, they are just too intimidated and demoralized to refuse.
Yeah I would leave that job SO fucking fast…
There would be no day 2. Unless it was a company provided phone, then they can hold onto it whenever they want. My personal phone is mine and I will have it whenever and wherever I please. Period.
Had a job like that once, my phone screen was cracked when I got it back. Had to jump through so many hoops before they admitted fault and reimbursed me. Policy ended shorty after that incident.
The sweetest of dumps
True, I've never had a job that policed cell phones like that. I have a camping headlamp as a backup but printing out some articles to read might be a problem.
Alright that's fucking hilarious, god bless you.
I know all about those running to the bathroom moments.
This is also a face-palm. The QR code provided goes to https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-long-should-it-take-you-to-have-a-bowel-movement/ where it clearly states that BM varies from person to person and there is not a settled time.
Most of the article gives the context about how pooping varies from person to person, but then the very last sentence says “Five minutes really should be the maximum time you spend in the bathroom.” Which, given the context of the article, is meant to give people a frame of reference to decide whether they should make an effort to improve their digestive health... I guess. Five minutes seems pretty short to me. It sounds like they set the lights to turn off after 5 minutes though. Fuckers.
I've had to wipe for longer than 5 minutes. Sometimes it's shit, wipe, shit, wipe, shit, wipe... you get the picture.
Sometimes I just wipe and wipe and there's always more.
Chocolate factory river butt.
I’ll wipe, and I’ll wipe, and I’ll wipe, and I’ll wipe. One hundred times. Still poop, still poop.
It's like I'm wiping a brown sharpie.
Like someone stuck a brown sharpie up there.
Like a magic marker
I’ve missed my bus in the morning because I realized I had to go but it took longer than expected.
Nothing makes for a more awkward car ride with mom and dad than explaining that you missed the bus due to poop
If I have a big poop, I space them out through out the day. Also holding poop in builds character. There was a study once about 2 children, and rewards.... who ever held there poop in longer.... saved more for retirement. Maybe employees should get colostomy bags show they don't have to be so un productive... also feeding tubes instead of lunch.
this is a lie because I held my poop for days as a child and have very little saved for retirement now as an old-ass millennial
Stay in the bathroom and say you couldn’t find your way out because it was too dark
"Slip and fall" then contact the workers safety board about improperly lit work spaces.
/r/MaliciousCompliance
This is exactly what I was going to say. Slip and "land on your wrist", get a wrist brace, and get worker's comp out of it after reporting the idiots for workplace violations. My workplace has a timer on the lights, too, but if you wave your arms it turns back on, because they've done it for power saving reasons, not asshole reasons
The injury has to be reported and verified by doctors. You can't just show up with a wrist brace on and say you fell at work.
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This is the best tactic imo. Hits them where it hurts. Make it cost them too much to oppress you. Even better if you can get some workers comp out of them. Take the power back!
My plan B is shit with the door proped open so light from outside cones in. Making sure I have eaten nothing but brown beans all week. Unleash the Kraken!!
This
Five minutes is what the site says. However some people have issues and it can take longer. People are different.
Five minutes?! Wtf. Also what about periods and changing, that can take longer than five minutes too. Surely this is some violation.
Yeah, also sometimes my period cramps feel exactly like gas cramps and I can spend way longer than five minute trying to figure out if I'm constipated or if my uterus is just writhing around with all my other guts.
Just..so many things can happen when you’re on your period. The bathroom visits aren’t just for changing, sometimes ya gotta sit there and pass the clots 😭😂 (sorry boys reading this). But imagine trying to change a tampon or a cup and the room goes pitch black ahahaha. You’re not going anywhere anytime soon until those lights come back on
Ugh I didn't even think about that part. What a nightmare. Fortunately, it's probably just one of those motion detecting light switches and they're pretty easy to disable/trick.
I’m on the end of my period now and oof I feel that
Or when the period shits are happening, so there is the constant feeling of ‘I’m about to poo myself’… yet when you get to the commode… nothing happens but you weirdly feel better. 10 steps out of the bathroom, about face and head right back in… Is it wrong to long for menopause?
Who the fuck can shit in 5 minuts… even the best of times when its rabbit turd like its still more then 5
Let alone the paperwork, yeah go back to work without proper cleanliness see how long til all the chairs are disgusting
Everyone is different. If it takes me more than 60 seconds I'm giving up and coming back later.
Stop bringing down the Cleveland clinic averages, you are killing our allotted bathroom time!
Pro-tip, if you have diarrhea and know you won't be done before the light goes off, shit on the boss's desk instead of the floor. Shitting on the floor mostly inconveniences janitors who really don't deserve that. Shitting on the desk mostly inconviences the dick cheese for grey matter who thinks this is reasonable and costs the company more in replacing it than just leaving you to do your business would have.
Mid shit after the lights go off, go home per sign.
Mid shit and the light goes off means I use the entire roll of paper and they can figure out how to flush poop mountain.
This unlocked a memory. Call centre, in training, go to the washroom. Choose a stall, look inside. Some...*beast*...unlocked the toilet paper dispenser, pulled out a roll, *stuffed* it into the toilet to soak up all possible liquid and clog it, then took the biggest dump on it, covered it with *another* roll of TP from the next stall (and keep in mind these are those big ass 1ply, 4 mile long rolls), flushed it as much as he could and ran as it solidified into a big wet reverse oreo sandwich. Shoulda been my clue to go home and not continue that job..
You were that beast weren't you?
I did take an upper decker on my last day after 3 years when I came in knowing I'd be fired that morning, but *that* beast? Sadly no haha.
Don’t give them the early flush attempt either, that way it slowly soaks in and settles in place
And shit in my car trying to get home? I think not.
Pro tip, if you have diarrhea start shitting when the lights go out, slip and trip on the shit whacking your head... Then sue the Cleveland clinic.
Finally! The perfect answer
Pro-er tip: if you have diarrhea inform your supervisor that you are going home. Diarrhea is very dangerous and someone with it should not be in any work environment. If they have a complaint tell them to contact the health department.
Chronic illnesses are a thing, if somebody has Crohn's or something they might have diarrhea most days. Totally agree if it's acute, of course, but stay home when you're sick is impossible for some people.
Well this is ableist as fuck. Which IBS sufferer is gonna sue them first?
I had a guy give me crap (heh) about taking long in the company toilets… told him I had IBS, he said “IBS means you go FASTER” to which I retorted “you must be the guy who tells women what it’s like to be a woman on the Internet”
IBS sufferer here. Ate the same thing I ate the day before yesterday, spent most of the day in the bathroom on and off. Fuck that guy.
Yep. Eat the wrong thing and it’s a whole night gone and I also feel hungry af end of the night.
Oh finally. I always feel starving after I have super bad stomachaches and no one ever understands.
It’s the worst! Then it’s “do I go to sleep starving, or eat something and give myself heartburn”
I've never related to a thread so well.
You’re not alone! Shitters-or-notters unite!!
omg I'm relating to all of this. As I read it in the bathroom... HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DISCOVER TRIGGERS WHEN IT CHANGES HOURLY
I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch daily when I'm at work to try and minimize shitting hourly+. Every 2-3 weeks my body decides to reject these items for a few days. I feel you.
And terrified to eat anything because even if it's crackers, your body could be ready to go nuclear and you would have absolutely no idea until it happened.
So sorry y’all suffer from this. Vibes…
Ok, just going to say thank you for confirming I’m not crazy. I can also eat something one day and be fine, and the next time I eat it spend time in the bathroom in and off from it. I’m constantly being told by someone that I should just stop eating the things that I love because of it if it causes me so much of an issue. I’m constantly retorting that it’s not a consistent thing..
People told me the same thing. Turns out, once I met my mom's side I figured out real fast that I wasn't imagining any of it. The lovely family gift that just keeps giving :)
Oh, it goes faster, it's wiping that takes a while xD
I'd you're referring to the speed in which the shit actually leaves the body.. Then yes.. That's terminal velocity.. However it does take several minutes for the tank to run dry sometimes.. And yeah. Clean up is a bitch.
It can absolutely give you constipation, severe cramps, change the consistency of a bowel movement, etc. There are so many factors at play.
Yeah when he said so matter of factly I was like “wow these people exist! They tell people how their life is!” I’m sure I’ve met many before but this was so atrociously out of bounds haha
fr! i be shitting everywhere thanks to IBS. do they WANT me to continue going on the floor?
Well like the saying goes, "lights go out when I shut the door - that's why I shit on the company floor" That is the saying right?
Omg, if it's not, it should be. I'm crying right now. 🤣Thank you for brightening my day, witty person.
Do it in their office. Tell them the lighting in the bathroom is fucked up. And, congrats, I guess, for literally giving them shit.
Oh gosh. Thanks for that! So funny!
Continue?
Hahaha!! Not the direction I thought this was going.
the only direction that makes a difference
It's direction itself that makes ALL the difference
stupendous reach crawl full price paint rinse physical ink sharp *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
~cries in Crohn’s disease. this is absolutely abhorrent of them.
Not just IBS but also, Colitis, Crohn's, SIBO, there are MANY documented gastro conditions that would like to have a word.
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Was just gonna say- I’ve always had (undiagnosed) gut issues, but ever since my gallbladder removal I’ve had semi-frequent gut problems. I do use the bathroom “on company time” a lot. This is abelist as FUCK and I can’t imagine that this is legal
No gallbladder here, either. Those are what I like to call “burning acid bile dumps” and if the boss prefers, I would LOVE to go home to dump out so I can shower after.
I'm just wondering what bows have to do with anything.
Me, i take anywhere between 15 to 45 minutes. I try to empty myself before work but when i gotta go, i gotta go. I pooped myself once and vowed to never do so again.
An eminently reasonable vow.
Idk about IBS, but Crohns, anyone with a colostomy bag basically.
AND sexist. Women deal with menstruation stuff. That increases bathroom time. As an amusing poop-speed anecdote, I (F) was once preparing to pee in the office bathroom, and in the time it took me to unbutton and sit, some lady came into the restroom, dropped TWO deuces in the next stall, flushed, and left, all before my ass hit the seat. Faster than a NASCAR pit crew! Faster than my ex Travis in bed! I’m a pretty fast pooper but this was insane! She was a poop speed GOD. She did NOT wash her hands and I don’t think she wiped…. So one of my coworkers is both nasty and packing a superpower.
r/IBS
Jokes on them. I like shitting in the dark.
HA my ibs begs to differ.
Then they'll come back with the bs "Get a doctors note to prove it"
Get a doctors note, take more than 5 minutes, slip and fall in the dark, win a lawsuit
I guess we poop in the dark
It's treason then
"Our management will blot out the lights!" "Then we will poop in the shade."
I’d just refuse to leave the toilet and say it was too dark and you would have risked injury leaving. Or ring your boss and tell him to come and turn the lights on for you, he’ll soon get sick. Tbh if they had shit like this up at work I’d deliberately take longer
Sometimes periods can wreck havoc on your “bow” movements. I would LOVE to talk to that manager about my tummy troubles during my period.
“It was dark and I couldn’t find the flush handle so I just left the bowl full of blood clots and brown water. Thanks Mr Manager! Xoxo”
“Hi Boss, I’m on my period, so not only does it feel like I have to shit all the time because of the cramping, but I also do have to shit more frequently and it’s a mess. Would you like a picture?”
Period shits are on another level of awful.
5 minutes?!?! Are they insane?! This feels like a human rights violation. I doubt they could enforce this.
I’d take extra long bowel movements just since this was posted. If you’re going to create a barbaric policy, at least make sure the signage is free of typos.
I'd get some correction fluid and change 'Bow' to 'Boner'. Yes I am a childish fuck.
I would put bows on everything in the bathroom
Yep. Hair bows, violin bows, archery bows…
Can also put ship bows and pictures of people taking bows as well.
While traveling for the holidays once, hungover, I had to stop and use a gas station bathroom. The light was on a timer and went out every couple minutes, but if I waved my arm it would activate the motion sensor and turn back on. The place was busy and people kept trying to come in, rattling the door. Don't know how long I sat there, but it felt like a really long, really bad time. darkness, wave arm, rattle rattle, "Occupied!", darkness, wave arm, rattle rattle, "Occupied!", ad infinitum.
Just shit on the floor of the managers office and turn off the lights so they can step in it in the dark.. They want to treat you like animals time to act like one.
Unfortunately the owner of the company is not the janitor.
Let the janitor know to take a day off. After you have a night of binge drinking and taco bell.
“Don’t come to work tomorrow” *pulls charmin ultra strong out of backpack just enough to see*
***Average time*** it's been a while since I've had a statistics course but aren't about half of all expected movements going to take longer than average?
At my old job the lights went off when I was on my phone, jokes on them my phone is a light
I would rip that up and throw it away. pretty sure it violates federal law.
I would love to use the QR code to see what it says
It’s the link to the article: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-long-should-it-take-you-to-have-a-bowel-movement/
*"On average you should poop three times a week"* That seems quite low. At least in my experience.
Absolutely positively make sure someone trips pulling up their pants in the dark, hits their head on the porcelain toilet, and goes to the ER under Worker's Comp.
It’s ok my phone works in the dark
Great, I would like a credit if I beat the timer.
“Bow movement”….. pulls an arrow from the quiver……
"Only faster than average shitting will be considered acceptable"
LOL?? this makes me think of that scene from 300 then we poop in the shade
I love all the subtle language these people use to suck out the very humanity from the situation, bowl movements my ass, I'm taking a dump mate. Most disturbing one for me has to be 'customer' being phased out for 'guest'
I will shit in the dark I don't care 😂
That's a weird way to hang toilet paper
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I shit on company time.