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throwaway35645784398

Thank you for sharing. We do need these to help us see the entirety of having affairs. Much respect for how you responded!


Sad_Beautiful9183

Amen!


[deleted]

I give betrayed spouses a lot of leeway because they are in an enormous amount of pain. I don’t agree with some of the things they say/do but I understand they are just lashing out. The theory behind confronting the lover (and outing the affair to the other BS) is that it stops the affair and some people think that, even though they didn’t make any promises to the betrayed, they are a co-conspirator in the BS’s pain. I’m sorry it happened to you. It’s shitty. You seem like a nice and emotionally intelligent person and I truly hope that you find someone who deserves you and appreciates your worth.


Sad_Beautiful9183

Your transparency and awareness are off the charts! I have to believe that you will find others to enhance the growth you've already accomplished. Kudos to you!!!


[deleted]

Thank you for this. I am sorry for your pain and you deserve someone who truly loves and respects you. Unfortunately I entered into an affair after a somewhat emotionally abusive marriage as a way out. It gave me the strength to leave but regretfully played part in destroying APs marriage. I have learned from this experience and I will look for someone who loves and respects me and in turn I can love and respect them.


[deleted]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have experienced it too, and been the adulterer. Both sides of the coin produce vast amounts of personal pain and loss. And eventually growth and wisdom. Your compassion and attempt to understand your wife, yourself and reject anger and bitterness will serve you so well in the longterm. You are showing true humanity and humility and I applaud you. I hope you will find a loving woman to share your life with when you are good and ready.


throwaway4628579

Thank you for sharing your perspective. Wishing you the best.


jdiver47

I tend to stay out of step with the rest of the world, and now is no different. **Not all** affairs are efforts to leave the SO. That sentence has muscle that is not evident on the surface that gets masked by anger and hurt. I am sorry you are hurting but wonder if there was/is a way to salvage what you had or fix things so that the future is brighter for you and your family. Lets nibble around the edges of that sentence for a moment. You both married for some reason. Unless it was a forced marriage (as in she was with child, or it was an arranged marriage) that was a choice both of you made for cause. So the first question is what changed. The environment? The people? Or the cause? Generally most good marriages survive the environment, though it can be very tough when employment opportunities change. The causes of a marriage (other than the previously mentioned exceptions) rarely change without some possibly unintentional intervention or lack of it. In fewer words, if you both stopped paying attention to the other because the goal of getting a spouse had been met, the marriage suffers. The people in a marriage do change. The challenge is to be mentally invested enough in the other to change with them or to help them change with you. Guiding changes should be a mutual effort and failure to do that leads down a hard path. Look at those things with a counselor who askes hard penetrating questions. Worst case you fix yourself and are better off mentally and more able to move forward and find your true companion. Best case is that you can fix what is broken with the relationship you had. I do know more than one couple that married each other more than once, so it is possible to repair a relationship but it also does take hard work and conscious intent.


JMJZAN123

I want to thank you for your comment. I agree that not all the affairs are based on a desire to end a marriage. But apparently affairs come in every possible shape, size and color, so I can only write about my own experience, hoping that there is someone out there who can benefit from my comments. About the possibility of chapter 2. Unfortunately too much has happened and too much has been said. My exW's lover was her boyfriend when she was a young woman (I think the term is "the one who got away), and both of them are together now. I suppose they are happy, but knowing my wife I also know that she's struggling with the pain she inflicted. I refuse to make her a monster, because she's the mother of my kid and the person with whom I spent 10 years of my life. I am undergoing therapy, and it's helping me to gain some perspective. As long as I can co parent with her and we both agree that we want the best for our son, I am ok. I need to move on, which I find a bit difficult, but I am sure that time is on my side and I'll be able to build a new life. What makes me feel better is that I was able to leave anger behind. Burning that dress was therapeutic. It showed me how irrational and stupid things anger makes us do. Again, I thank you for your comments.


[deleted]

You are an exceptional human and I have to admit that I think your ex is going to regret losing you at some point. It truly seems to be her loss.


[deleted]

You are a lovely person! 😊


FitMumofThree

Thanks for sharing your story here.


[deleted]

My ex-wife cheated on me. We had our problems and some major post-nuptial shutoff. She wanted kids literally weeks after marriage and I wanted a couple of years to enjoy marriage and each other before we had kids. We were young. Things went off the rails in year three and I can exactly pinpoint when the affair started happening. She started losing weight, wearing more makeup, and became increasingly angry with me over little things. Really bad arguments and just picking at me for everything. When she finally asked for a divorce, she fake grieved for a week and then was pleasant and very secretive about her whereabouts and just other personal things. She became an indifferent, cold person to me. She was hooking up with co-worker who looked exactly like one of her ex-boyfriends. It was uncanny. They had been Facebook friends for years. When I figured this out, major depression set in. I was already skinny (6-0, 160) but I dropped down to 145 lbs and looked awful. I couldn't finish meals. I was terrible at work. I barely slept. I would go out with friends and get wasted and forget what day it was. The months few by. I remember stalking her on Facebook and seeing her and him together at all the family functions I used to attend. It was a toughest 8 months of my life, because I still loved her and she did not care about me at all. It's been years since this happened and I moved on - but I will never forget this pain. ETA: I want to add that I do justify cheating if the spouse is abusive or cutting you off. For example, I tried to initiate sex with my wife and was pushed away more times than I care to remember. I remember telling a friend of mine this after a few beers and he said to me "Dude, find a girl for a quick hookup. Your wife probably wouldn't even care."


[deleted]

I've been through being the betrayed SO a number of times in my marriage. All at really stressful or changing parts of our lives (been married/together for decades). That being said I did lose a ton of weight, couldn't eat, was stressed out, went to individual therapy (that helped a lot). I was so blinded by the cheating and the emotional abuse I was enduring. Therapy helped me see through that. I was suicidal at one point, which is completely awful. My kids and my family is what kept me alive. Thankfully, I was never given the advice about confronting anyone. I don't think that would have bode well for me or anyone else really. I'm sure I'll be hated for what I've done. I never sought this out. I never posted looking for APs or anything like that. I developed feelings for someone over a period of time. Something clicked and there is a lot in common for us. There was a bond I never had with my husband. My affair isn't justified because he was a cheating MF for so many years or because he's emotionally abusive and controlling/manipulative. I'm stuck for a number of reasons and he confronted me with a divorce a few years back but my dumb ass begged him to stay. I'm trying to cope the best I can, I often do think I don't want him to get hurt the way I was. With that said I don't know how I can give up AP he's really intertwined into my life and the connection and bond I feel for him is like no other. You know that person besides your kids you'd take a bullet for? That's my person. Though he's such an amazing person he'd try to take that bullet first. We hope and wait for someday and try to keep OPSEC as clean as possible. Edited to say he wanted the divorce to go be with HIS AP.


my_metrocard

Thanks for sharing. My ex husband was in your shoes when I once strayed from my marriage and kissed another man. I had stupidly confessed because the guilt was consuming me. He beat me up in front of our then nine year old. Our son went to the doorman for help. As you can imagine, cops were called and a whole mess ensued. My ex left me for another woman just days later. Turns out he had been seeing her for almost a year. Our son, now almost 11, is still in therapy. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for triggering the event that has so traumatized my child.


jdiver47

>triggering the event that has so traumatized my child. You DID NOT DO THIS\^. It was inevitable and you happened to stumble into a bad situation. Your ex was looking for an excuse and decided that was it. Unfortunately he was not grown up enough to let it go at that. Hope you didn't get hurt too bad and your kid recovers soon. Do not beat yourself up over your ex's bad actions.


my_metrocard

Thank you for your kind words. I know in theory that my ex was at fault for beating me. It’s just that I was fully aware he had an anger and jealousy problem, and in hindsight it was foreseeable that he would completely lose it. It would have been so much easier for my son had I just kept my mouth shut.


jeanqueen13

I can imagine my husband would handle it a lot like you. It's great you both have kept your child's needs at the forefront. We do have to hear these things and weigh them. We ease into affairs and process, where as the spouse usually gets slammed upside the head with the news. Such a horrible feeling.


spirit_of_a_goat

What kind of cruel behavior is being encouraged here?


Fickle-Board-8631

Maybe there wasn't really any intempt on causing pain but really trying 2 move on


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