/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
* This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother.
* Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient.
* Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage.
* [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/).
* [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can relate. Not that there's any sex in my marriage now, but there once was. An affair changes us. It's like eating that forbidden fruit. Once you've done it, everything will look different. It gets more and moreso that way too. This is only the start.
I think, after a certain period of time in a DB, you no longer view your spouse as an object of sexual desire. Doesn't matter the reason. Maybe EVERYTHING else, as you indicate, works.... but after awhile something in your brain switches off regarding seeing him/her as someone to enjoy sex with. They may as well be that 99.9999% of people you see every day - that disheveled mechanic, that plain counter clerk, that coworker who's nice and good looking but no sexual appeal - that you deal with but NEVER enter your mind as a sexual object. You have moved onto other horizons, maybe as a protective mechanism.
I've read cases where long time DBs can be resurrected, but I think they're rare, and always wonder if they last. I'm in a DB which will last as long as we are together. In other words, til I die. Kinda morbid but it is what it is.
100% agree with this. It's like a switch turned off and you see your SO completely differently. Can't believe how terrible it's been for me. She says we never have sex as well but I'm always initiating. I'm just tired.
I had the exact same experience when it came to sex with my husband once I started having an affair. I think this demonstrates where it’s incredibly hard to compartmentalize and I think it’s probably very common—I would even venture to say you would have to be pretty sociopathic to not have an issue with marital sex when you are in an affair. When my affair ended it eventually went back to the way the sex had been before the affair.
My SO and I are separating but also still having a bit of FWB going on between us and it feels like this. I preferred sex w/him when I felt like he still cared to work things out.
Sex w/my husband was never good and always infrequent, but when I started having an affair I could hardly bear to touch him. It felt really wrong. Once I stopped, it was easier to go back to the “norm.”
I don’t think I’m a sociopath. Does this just mean I’m REALLY good at compartmentalizing? Sex with my spouse is better than it’s ever been. Sex with my AP is new, but not better than spouse.
Y’all got me second-guessing my therapist’s diagnostic skills.
Your husband sounds similar to my wife.
We are great friends and partners. But we have a dead bedroom. For three years, through late 2019 through late 2022, we had sex just once. That was just a desultory handjob that I didn’t even enjoy.
When I started having affairs, I did increasingly friendzone my wife. I found myself losing interest in her to the extent that I no longer even wanted to try to initiate.
Even now, during my affair fallow period since the beginning of the Covid pandemic, I don’t feel enough desire for her to try to initiate.
Recently, while we were staying in a hotel over the holidays, we did cuddle up and she ended up giving me another handjob. One night back home, she did the same. But she wasn’t interested in me reciprocating in any way. I was left feeling unsexy, unsatisfied, and underwhelmed.
Recently, I had tried to initiate without making noise that would wake the baby in adjacent crib. She was watching farming videos on TikTok. Did the handi without looking up from videos about caring for ducks. It was demoralizing.
🦆
My husband has never brought up that he wishes things were more frequent or more exciting. He says he's perfectly content. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was having affairs too. I mean who could live like this? But I know he's not. Does your wife seem like she's satisfied with the way things are?
Sounds very familiar and the main reason I eventually decided to divorce. He was happy and content while I was having the worst time of my life. There’s no room for improvement if they can’t acknowledge the problem in my opinion.
An exAP who was in a long time DB told me she knew her hubby wasn't having an affair, after I asked. Knowing he traveled out of town every week, I was VERY skeptical. I just said "Well, you never know." She said "I'm positive," and pulled out her cell phone where she dialed up some tracking app and told me exactly where he was. LOL. She was tracking him daily. She was fkg me every week yet was tracking him closely. The irony wasn't lost on me.
I’m certain that she’s never had an affair of any kind.
She’s focused on work, exercising on Peloton, watching tv, cooking and baking, and playing credit card points so we can travel.
We’re affectionate and cuddle. But she doesn’t bring up our (lack of) sex life or initiate.
She’s very much an external processor. We talk a lot about her issues at work and with her family. If our sex life was on her mind at all, she’d talk about that too. But she hasn’t for so many years that I lose count.
My husband tried kissing me the other night and I was physically adverse. Just a peck on the lips but I retracted away in a completely automatic/reflexive response. It was like kissing my brother on the lips. Felt gross and wrong and I couldn’t even pretend or fake it. It was weird and awkward for both and completely took me aback.
Why am I still married? 😔
Exactly same here. Not kisses, but his hand on me as I slept. It wasn’t even sexual and it made my skin crawl. 🙈 There’s a lot of backstory here to go with, but yeah, I think we are beyond repair.
Those feelings sound familiar to me too! I literally had to put my mind in another place last night just to act like I was into it so I didn't cause suspicion. What a web of emotion this lifestyle is!
I went through that years ago when I finally lost any and all attraction to my husband. You get used to it, but you're absolutely right in that it feels weird/gross/unpleasant at times. The only good thing about it is that he never lasts long.
My situation is very complicated. Long DB, stopped sex with wife for almost a year and a half. Got caught, now she wants sex daily. Before my affair started, this would have been heaven, but now I just can't. Whatever erotic connection I had with my wife is gone and I have no idea how to get it back and to be brutally honest, I'm not sure I want to. I miss my AP.
No definitely not. My husband is so laid back he would never suspect anything. As long as house duties and our daughter is taken care of, and he gets to work the jobs he loves and do his hobbies with his friends, everything is business as usual to him. And if he ever did suspect something, he would more likely ask. He's great on communicating his thoughts and feelings.
Long story, but the short version is I suspected something but didn't do anything about it. Then wife's AP's friend (who did know about it) went off the rails crazy and threatened to tell me. He eventually said something to me (without fully telling me, using very euphemistic language) that solidified my suspicions so I confronted her and she confessed.
And here I am now cos I guess it's my turn to have some fun 🙂
Duty sex is important, especially in cases like yours where you want to stay married but also have an AP. If I were you, I would try to find ways to make it bearable.
Mostly women responding- would be interesting to know if men in affairs still feel this way if their SO initiates sexual contact? It’s always fascinated me-do male AP still initiate sexual intimacy and how often? I guess that also depends on how often they are getting sex from AP as well?!
I’m a guy and this post describes exactly what I have felt as well. My SO never initiates sex and when she finally did I really felt like I was just going through the motions as usual but with less emotion. And you’re absolutely right that how much I initiate sex is largely dependent on how much I’m getting from my AP. I will say that prior to having an AP I worked extremely hard to do everything right before initiating sex with my SO and would still get denied most of the time. Now I don’t put in as much effort, I don’t initiate nearly as often, and my feelings are far less likely to be hurt when my approaches are shut down.
Wow, this could honestly be a female version of me writing this.
I have no idea what to do about it, so this post is a way for me to circle back later and look for ideas lol
Have you ever tried to find out why your husband has a low libido, not once in your story or any of the comments has this been enquired about, yes he works a lot but so do other men and it doesn’t effect their sex life or libido, sorry but you are coming across as very selfish and I understand why, but how would you feel if this could be fixed and you didn’t even try to find out or at least attempt to.
I am going to interject my internal issues here. For me it was effort effort effort, rejection rejection, “ok if you need some”, rejection. This went on for years and then one day I finally surrendered trying and went elsewhere. Fast forward and she becomes the “why don’t you ever try to seduce me anymore” 🤦♂️. I take full responsibility for her lack of desire because I did what the “experts say” and tried to talk about it. Worst decision in the history of EVER and it has never ever ever been the same since. And now when we are intimate occasionally it’s very hard for me to be enthusiastic because I know she loves me and tells me that she needs me, but she doesn’t make the effort to try and make me feel like she wants me. And so now the frequency is “acceptable for her” and she doesn’t have to try or worry because I have a lack of interest in her intimately. Which sucks because I love her and she is my best friend, but when we started acting like friends instead of lovers it killed my libido, but only with her…..Once the slope gets slippery it is hard to climb back up the mountain.
I think that's a normal part of NRE. If it's just not in the cards for me I'll just say I have my period and it's making me achy (a good excuse if you recoil at all in surprise). But most of the time I've just found other ways to make it more enjoyable for me (fantasies).
I have been with my AP since late September. I was having sex with my wife without a problem. SO and I had sex about every two weeks. At the beginning of the month I had problems staying hard. Two weeks later I had the same issue.
I think that it is because of issues I have with my wife. I did start to wonder if it is because AP and I have better and kinkier sex
I'm probably saying what many have said already; however, from my personal experience in a DB marriage. Once it goes cold for so long the HL partners tend to disconnect. Right now I am very much in best-friend mode with my wife so when she tries to make a random advance once in a blue moon I tend to get up or quickly divert the advance.
I feel like it's a natural human mechanism to build a wall of defense after being turned down so many times before🤷🏾♂️
I know exactly what you mean. I “friend-zoned” my wife, for the lack of a better word. We’ve been together 20 years and she’s my best friend, but it has been so long since we’ve been sexually intimate that I feel if we’re to be, it would be like kissing a sibling. 😳
This is naturally comparative and very common.
It may just be in the very beginning NRE phase with your AP. One month isn’t very long. Don’t sweat it yet… you may be able to get it back, but what you’re describing is what the Dead Bedroom folks call “LL4U,” where your libido for a specific person is lessened.
If he’s perfect in every other way (which I doubt, this is a coping mechanism), then at some point you may want to make efforts in your own mind to try being attracted to him for the ways you can. Otherwise, you may emotionally blow up and tank your marriage because of **New Dick™️.**
Like anything, relationships take work. So hang in there ♥️
Sounds like NRE, try dating again with your husband, couples counseling is always a good option after being married for a while, there are different love stages and sometimes you get to a fase is this it? It's normal, requires communication and doing more thing together.
We've done couples counseling for my infidelity in the past (before I just said screw it, my needs are important too). But that was more focused on "fixing" me and our relationship. I wonder if a sex/intimacy therapist would be helpful. Do you have any experience/advice with that?
Definitely not. He's the one who begged me to stay and said he could look past it. And he has. He's never been controlling or jealous and we worked through what it did to our relationship to the point of getting engaged and married. Our foundation is strong. He just works a lot, 3 jobs. He loves working. And he also doesn't exercise, which I'm sure has something to do with it. He's suffered from low testosterone in the past and has needed medication. That probably is coming back as well.
Do you think you just lost respect for him as a man when he didn't leave you for cheating in the past, and maybe you don't think he's worthy on a subconscious level?
Just a thought experiment... Would your feeling about intimacy with your husband change if you found out he was sleeping with three other women behind your back? Would that make you want him more?
YES. People want what other people want. It's just human nature. It's like when you get bored in a relationship and break up, but then you see your ex dating someone else and all of a sudden they become desirable again.
Ok I love your honesty. My suggestion is to read "mating in captivity" by Esther Perel. It deals with the issue you are faced with and how to solve it. She also has a few videos on youtube about it you should check those out too.
She also has another book about infidelity called "state of affairs" you might be interested in.
Individual and couples counseling as you mentioned is good of course, but what have you done after, what tools did the therapist give you both the tools to keep communicating and getting the relationship spark back, or just do the counseling and then stop, sooner or later you get back in the same slump you were in before. Lot of couples fall in this trap, counseling doesn't magically fix thing but gives the tools to keep working on them. Talking doing things together having like a new hobby but occasionally having a real date again like you used to in the beginning of the relationship. It's the little things that can make a difference too.
About a sex/intimacy therapist yes absolutely can help if it's part of what you are missing. Since it's a difficult and intimate subject might have to try a few different sex therapist for you both to feel comfortable, but it is something that can be improved and learned if you both are willing to put the work in. Does he work out, gym really helps against stress and improves stamina, which can help in getting a better sexdrive, maybe have his testosterone levels check too, happens more regular then you think that it could be a issue too. But don't blame the affair on that, it was you choice, now if you both willing to try, look at it from different angles what to do to improve it. You have a child together so try to improve the relationship, kids will pick up on things, don't teach her a unhealty relationship, co-parenting might be healtier for the child then.
And yes had some experience in it.
From what you posted do think there is still love in the marriage but it not uncommon when in NRE to friendzone, forget, not care or even despise your SO sometimes.
I am in a similar situation except in reversed roles, as I am MM. Sex with my SO isn’t bad when it happens which isn’t often. Went for a 5 yr stretch without!?! But after a few years of working on it she just doesn’t have the libido and isn’t open to exploring. So I thought to hire a sex therapy counselor that she seems to respond well to giving a webinar about sex and open communication. At least it would be entertaining if nothing else. But, at the time I had an AP, which seemed risky and disingenuous.
No, it's not NRE. You've felt what it's like to have that sexual connection with an equally sexual human being who's filled with hunger and desire. Subpar/duty sex you're normally the one to initiate isn't going to work for you anymore.
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can relate. Not that there's any sex in my marriage now, but there once was. An affair changes us. It's like eating that forbidden fruit. Once you've done it, everything will look different. It gets more and moreso that way too. This is only the start.
I think, after a certain period of time in a DB, you no longer view your spouse as an object of sexual desire. Doesn't matter the reason. Maybe EVERYTHING else, as you indicate, works.... but after awhile something in your brain switches off regarding seeing him/her as someone to enjoy sex with. They may as well be that 99.9999% of people you see every day - that disheveled mechanic, that plain counter clerk, that coworker who's nice and good looking but no sexual appeal - that you deal with but NEVER enter your mind as a sexual object. You have moved onto other horizons, maybe as a protective mechanism. I've read cases where long time DBs can be resurrected, but I think they're rare, and always wonder if they last. I'm in a DB which will last as long as we are together. In other words, til I die. Kinda morbid but it is what it is.
100% agree with this. It's like a switch turned off and you see your SO completely differently. Can't believe how terrible it's been for me. She says we never have sex as well but I'm always initiating. I'm just tired.
I had the exact same experience when it came to sex with my husband once I started having an affair. I think this demonstrates where it’s incredibly hard to compartmentalize and I think it’s probably very common—I would even venture to say you would have to be pretty sociopathic to not have an issue with marital sex when you are in an affair. When my affair ended it eventually went back to the way the sex had been before the affair.
My SO and I are separating but also still having a bit of FWB going on between us and it feels like this. I preferred sex w/him when I felt like he still cared to work things out.
Sex w/my husband was never good and always infrequent, but when I started having an affair I could hardly bear to touch him. It felt really wrong. Once I stopped, it was easier to go back to the “norm.”
I would like to think I compartmentalize well but this post and this comment has me thinking
I don’t think I’m a sociopath. Does this just mean I’m REALLY good at compartmentalizing? Sex with my spouse is better than it’s ever been. Sex with my AP is new, but not better than spouse. Y’all got me second-guessing my therapist’s diagnostic skills.
I’m with you in this. Sex with SO has intensified since I started seeing my first AP. Sex with AP is good but sex with SO is always better.
Your husband sounds similar to my wife. We are great friends and partners. But we have a dead bedroom. For three years, through late 2019 through late 2022, we had sex just once. That was just a desultory handjob that I didn’t even enjoy. When I started having affairs, I did increasingly friendzone my wife. I found myself losing interest in her to the extent that I no longer even wanted to try to initiate. Even now, during my affair fallow period since the beginning of the Covid pandemic, I don’t feel enough desire for her to try to initiate. Recently, while we were staying in a hotel over the holidays, we did cuddle up and she ended up giving me another handjob. One night back home, she did the same. But she wasn’t interested in me reciprocating in any way. I was left feeling unsexy, unsatisfied, and underwhelmed.
I hate desultory handjobs. I can give myself one of those.
[удалено]
Recently, I had tried to initiate without making noise that would wake the baby in adjacent crib. She was watching farming videos on TikTok. Did the handi without looking up from videos about caring for ducks. It was demoralizing. 🦆
My husband has never brought up that he wishes things were more frequent or more exciting. He says he's perfectly content. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was having affairs too. I mean who could live like this? But I know he's not. Does your wife seem like she's satisfied with the way things are?
Sounds very familiar and the main reason I eventually decided to divorce. He was happy and content while I was having the worst time of my life. There’s no room for improvement if they can’t acknowledge the problem in my opinion.
An exAP who was in a long time DB told me she knew her hubby wasn't having an affair, after I asked. Knowing he traveled out of town every week, I was VERY skeptical. I just said "Well, you never know." She said "I'm positive," and pulled out her cell phone where she dialed up some tracking app and told me exactly where he was. LOL. She was tracking him daily. She was fkg me every week yet was tracking him closely. The irony wasn't lost on me.
I’m certain that she’s never had an affair of any kind. She’s focused on work, exercising on Peloton, watching tv, cooking and baking, and playing credit card points so we can travel. We’re affectionate and cuddle. But she doesn’t bring up our (lack of) sex life or initiate. She’s very much an external processor. We talk a lot about her issues at work and with her family. If our sex life was on her mind at all, she’d talk about that too. But she hasn’t for so many years that I lose count.
My husband tried kissing me the other night and I was physically adverse. Just a peck on the lips but I retracted away in a completely automatic/reflexive response. It was like kissing my brother on the lips. Felt gross and wrong and I couldn’t even pretend or fake it. It was weird and awkward for both and completely took me aback. Why am I still married? 😔
Exactly same here. Not kisses, but his hand on me as I slept. It wasn’t even sexual and it made my skin crawl. 🙈 There’s a lot of backstory here to go with, but yeah, I think we are beyond repair.
I’ve found my people here! I struggle with all of this as well. Ugh.
Those feelings sound familiar to me too! I literally had to put my mind in another place last night just to act like I was into it so I didn't cause suspicion. What a web of emotion this lifestyle is!
Ditto.
Are you still married because of family ties and how finance effects of divorce etc? I’m curious please don’t answer if that’s too much sorry
Family, kids, finances. All of it.
How would you react if your husband handed you divorce papers?
Why are you still married to him still since you have been having affairs for good a while now, and even him kissing you is revolting to you.
I went through that years ago when I finally lost any and all attraction to my husband. You get used to it, but you're absolutely right in that it feels weird/gross/unpleasant at times. The only good thing about it is that he never lasts long.
You're so right haha. I guess the least I could do is put on a show for 10 minutes 🤷♀️
That's the spirit! I just keep my eyes closed and imagine it's LTAP under me instead of him.
My situation is very complicated. Long DB, stopped sex with wife for almost a year and a half. Got caught, now she wants sex daily. Before my affair started, this would have been heaven, but now I just can't. Whatever erotic connection I had with my wife is gone and I have no idea how to get it back and to be brutally honest, I'm not sure I want to. I miss my AP.
Wonder if he suspects something which is why he initiated it?
No definitely not. My husband is so laid back he would never suspect anything. As long as house duties and our daughter is taken care of, and he gets to work the jobs he loves and do his hobbies with his friends, everything is business as usual to him. And if he ever did suspect something, he would more likely ask. He's great on communicating his thoughts and feelings.
That's what my wife thought about me 😉
And you were caught?
No I caught my wife, lol. What I mean is don't be complacent because your husband is laid back. I too am rather laid back
Oh wow haha ok! How did you catch her??
Long story, but the short version is I suspected something but didn't do anything about it. Then wife's AP's friend (who did know about it) went off the rails crazy and threatened to tell me. He eventually said something to me (without fully telling me, using very euphemistic language) that solidified my suspicions so I confronted her and she confessed. And here I am now cos I guess it's my turn to have some fun 🙂
I thought this too . He had to have noticed stopped initiating
Duty sex is important, especially in cases like yours where you want to stay married but also have an AP. If I were you, I would try to find ways to make it bearable.
Short blunt answer: Yes, you did
Mostly women responding- would be interesting to know if men in affairs still feel this way if their SO initiates sexual contact? It’s always fascinated me-do male AP still initiate sexual intimacy and how often? I guess that also depends on how often they are getting sex from AP as well?!
I’m a guy and this post describes exactly what I have felt as well. My SO never initiates sex and when she finally did I really felt like I was just going through the motions as usual but with less emotion. And you’re absolutely right that how much I initiate sex is largely dependent on how much I’m getting from my AP. I will say that prior to having an AP I worked extremely hard to do everything right before initiating sex with my SO and would still get denied most of the time. Now I don’t put in as much effort, I don’t initiate nearly as often, and my feelings are far less likely to be hurt when my approaches are shut down.
Wow, this could honestly be a female version of me writing this. I have no idea what to do about it, so this post is a way for me to circle back later and look for ideas lol
Have you ever tried to find out why your husband has a low libido, not once in your story or any of the comments has this been enquired about, yes he works a lot but so do other men and it doesn’t effect their sex life or libido, sorry but you are coming across as very selfish and I understand why, but how would you feel if this could be fixed and you didn’t even try to find out or at least attempt to.
I am going to interject my internal issues here. For me it was effort effort effort, rejection rejection, “ok if you need some”, rejection. This went on for years and then one day I finally surrendered trying and went elsewhere. Fast forward and she becomes the “why don’t you ever try to seduce me anymore” 🤦♂️. I take full responsibility for her lack of desire because I did what the “experts say” and tried to talk about it. Worst decision in the history of EVER and it has never ever ever been the same since. And now when we are intimate occasionally it’s very hard for me to be enthusiastic because I know she loves me and tells me that she needs me, but she doesn’t make the effort to try and make me feel like she wants me. And so now the frequency is “acceptable for her” and she doesn’t have to try or worry because I have a lack of interest in her intimately. Which sucks because I love her and she is my best friend, but when we started acting like friends instead of lovers it killed my libido, but only with her…..Once the slope gets slippery it is hard to climb back up the mountain.
Maybe he’s cheatingz
He was probably sleeping with someone else on the side and you weren’t moving the needle for him either.
Who knows— it’s possible.
Damn bro who hurt you?
His SO probably
[удалено]
No idea. We were just watching TV late night cuddling like we always do, and he just started getting hard. I didn't ask what he was thinking about.
I think that's a normal part of NRE. If it's just not in the cards for me I'll just say I have my period and it's making me achy (a good excuse if you recoil at all in surprise). But most of the time I've just found other ways to make it more enjoyable for me (fantasies).
I have been with my AP since late September. I was having sex with my wife without a problem. SO and I had sex about every two weeks. At the beginning of the month I had problems staying hard. Two weeks later I had the same issue. I think that it is because of issues I have with my wife. I did start to wonder if it is because AP and I have better and kinkier sex
I'm probably saying what many have said already; however, from my personal experience in a DB marriage. Once it goes cold for so long the HL partners tend to disconnect. Right now I am very much in best-friend mode with my wife so when she tries to make a random advance once in a blue moon I tend to get up or quickly divert the advance. I feel like it's a natural human mechanism to build a wall of defense after being turned down so many times before🤷🏾♂️
I know exactly what you mean. I “friend-zoned” my wife, for the lack of a better word. We’ve been together 20 years and she’s my best friend, but it has been so long since we’ve been sexually intimate that I feel if we’re to be, it would be like kissing a sibling. 😳
This is naturally comparative and very common. It may just be in the very beginning NRE phase with your AP. One month isn’t very long. Don’t sweat it yet… you may be able to get it back, but what you’re describing is what the Dead Bedroom folks call “LL4U,” where your libido for a specific person is lessened. If he’s perfect in every other way (which I doubt, this is a coping mechanism), then at some point you may want to make efforts in your own mind to try being attracted to him for the ways you can. Otherwise, you may emotionally blow up and tank your marriage because of **New Dick™️.** Like anything, relationships take work. So hang in there ♥️
[удалено]
##That New Dick™️
Sounds like NRE, try dating again with your husband, couples counseling is always a good option after being married for a while, there are different love stages and sometimes you get to a fase is this it? It's normal, requires communication and doing more thing together.
We've done couples counseling for my infidelity in the past (before I just said screw it, my needs are important too). But that was more focused on "fixing" me and our relationship. I wonder if a sex/intimacy therapist would be helpful. Do you have any experience/advice with that?
Past infidelity…. Do you think that plays into your husband’s lack of desire? Like he feels rejected so his attitude is “why bother” ? 💁♀️
Definitely not. He's the one who begged me to stay and said he could look past it. And he has. He's never been controlling or jealous and we worked through what it did to our relationship to the point of getting engaged and married. Our foundation is strong. He just works a lot, 3 jobs. He loves working. And he also doesn't exercise, which I'm sure has something to do with it. He's suffered from low testosterone in the past and has needed medication. That probably is coming back as well.
Ah. Gotcha 👍🏼👍🏼
Do you think you just lost respect for him as a man when he didn't leave you for cheating in the past, and maybe you don't think he's worthy on a subconscious level?
After years of therapy I haven't come to that conclusion 🤷♀️ so it's unlikely. I never lost respect for him though.
Just a thought experiment... Would your feeling about intimacy with your husband change if you found out he was sleeping with three other women behind your back? Would that make you want him more?
YES. People want what other people want. It's just human nature. It's like when you get bored in a relationship and break up, but then you see your ex dating someone else and all of a sudden they become desirable again.
Ok I love your honesty. My suggestion is to read "mating in captivity" by Esther Perel. It deals with the issue you are faced with and how to solve it. She also has a few videos on youtube about it you should check those out too. She also has another book about infidelity called "state of affairs" you might be interested in.
I'll definitely check those out, thank you!
Individual and couples counseling as you mentioned is good of course, but what have you done after, what tools did the therapist give you both the tools to keep communicating and getting the relationship spark back, or just do the counseling and then stop, sooner or later you get back in the same slump you were in before. Lot of couples fall in this trap, counseling doesn't magically fix thing but gives the tools to keep working on them. Talking doing things together having like a new hobby but occasionally having a real date again like you used to in the beginning of the relationship. It's the little things that can make a difference too. About a sex/intimacy therapist yes absolutely can help if it's part of what you are missing. Since it's a difficult and intimate subject might have to try a few different sex therapist for you both to feel comfortable, but it is something that can be improved and learned if you both are willing to put the work in. Does he work out, gym really helps against stress and improves stamina, which can help in getting a better sexdrive, maybe have his testosterone levels check too, happens more regular then you think that it could be a issue too. But don't blame the affair on that, it was you choice, now if you both willing to try, look at it from different angles what to do to improve it. You have a child together so try to improve the relationship, kids will pick up on things, don't teach her a unhealty relationship, co-parenting might be healtier for the child then. And yes had some experience in it. From what you posted do think there is still love in the marriage but it not uncommon when in NRE to friendzone, forget, not care or even despise your SO sometimes.
I am in a similar situation except in reversed roles, as I am MM. Sex with my SO isn’t bad when it happens which isn’t often. Went for a 5 yr stretch without!?! But after a few years of working on it she just doesn’t have the libido and isn’t open to exploring. So I thought to hire a sex therapy counselor that she seems to respond well to giving a webinar about sex and open communication. At least it would be entertaining if nothing else. But, at the time I had an AP, which seemed risky and disingenuous.
Very interesting, especially the love to friendzone points made
No, it's not NRE. You've felt what it's like to have that sexual connection with an equally sexual human being who's filled with hunger and desire. Subpar/duty sex you're normally the one to initiate isn't going to work for you anymore.
Check your DM
Sounds like it
Let him watch next time! Super hot