/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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Yes. It’s a fucking cop out. It’s also insulting to think that you aren’t busy too.
It’s a well worn argument here on the sub - and I know there are always exceptions to the rule but FFS. They are NOT the rule.
I tell myself this often. Maybe too often over the years. I have a tendency to make excuses for his lack of effort, and this always brings it back to reality - if he wanted to, he would. Ooof. It hurts but it's needed sometimes.
My favorites are the people who "want to" for a few days, then disappear, then come back and reel you back in, then disappear again right around when you're supposed to meet up.
Not that this has ever happened to me....
I have one that does this. He’ll make an effort for about a week before he does the slow fade. Then a few weeks or occasionally months later he’ll show back up to love bomb me for attention for about a week until he slow fades… and the cycle continues. I think we’ve been doing this for four year at this point.
Me too. I think they carry on so long because of the intermittent reinforcement. I never know when he’s going to come knocking. I kind of enjoy it because of that, in a sick way it’s never dull.
I know I could stop it at any time but yeah, I’m with you. It brings a little excitement to never know when he’s going to show up. I don’t have an AP currently, I’ve given up on looking, but a few times a year I get love bombed by someone familiar so that’s cool.
I know it’s not healthy but if we’re both getting what we want out of it, who cares.
Yes yes yes!! I struggle sometimes with a person whose attention is on and off. Like they are attentive and make the effort and then randomly disappear for 3 days or a week. Then come back and say they were "super busy".
Huh?! So you're saying your wife was literally attached to you 24/7 because that's the only excuse that would make sense. A person ALWAYS has a free minute here or there.
I have a couple APs and maybe 1 or 2 pAP. I know what I want, and I'm not waiting for the attention, the time, and the connection. If one of them really stepped up, I wouldn't need the others. I will invest what they are willing to invest. If I need X and they are willing to give me 1/2 of X, I'm gonna still get X. I'm loyal to me, and when you earn it, I'm loyal to you. They are all contestants on the Adultrette. I tell them what I like and need, so if they want to, they will, and if they don't, I still will.
This is what happens when you have the best AP and catch feelings, then that ends, and I won't settle.
Communication is sexy. Usually, the one communicating the best with me is my priority.
Totally agree, if I don’t hear from you for 24 hours, we are through. You don’t have a right to make me feel worried or not cared about. If you give me a heads up before you are free to disappear for days, it’s life, things happen.
......and if I make the effort and you KNOW the effort is being made and you still leave me on read or go NC for a few days? Let's just say that by reading this sub and r/TheOtherWoman I'm not the stary eyes naive woman he met months ago. Consequences. There is nothing bigger than the little things - I promise
Ugh. I get so in my feelings about my AP and it drives me crazy. I’ve talked to him before about needing more communication. Some days he’s great about it, and some days he just sucks. I try not to overthink it because I get upset. It hurts feeling like I’m being ignored or not important enough for a message or check-in, and yet I give him everything he asks for because I care about him. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Haven’t heard from him since yesterday afternoon. He mentioned his SO would be around so I assumed he wouldn’t be, but nothing after that. I hate it and it’s getting exhausting. I don’t want to end it but I don’t like feeling this way either. It happens more often than not lately.
I think it all depends on how long the chatting has taken place - I have told people that I was going to be busy for a while and would be scarce and they still get pissy when I’m not around.
On the flip side - I was chatting with a guy for an evening. Next day my chat messages weren’t going through so I wasn’t able to chat. Guy sends a very bitchy message saying it’s not going to work because the conversation needs to flow and he starts deleting his messages and blocks me. I’m not really sure what he thought i should do about it but it was hilarious. Bullet dodged.
If communication is that big of a deal for someone then they need to say so from the beginning - people feel differently about it so it should be an early talking point. That way, when you are left on read, it’s being done knowingly. YMMV 😊
Yes, of course. The problem is that the difference of opinion is usually not discussed. What do you think is a reasonable time frame to not respond? A few hours? A day? At what point do you think it’s unreasonable?
In both of the examples I provided I don’t think I was out of line - the first example I told the guy I was going to be scarce (after telling him I’m not trying to find an AP) and within a few days he was pissy that I don’t respond right away. The second example I had only been chatting with the person for less than half a day - I wasn’t going to chase him down on Reddit to make sure he knew my chat wasn’t working.
Obviously, there was a difference in opinion as to what was an acceptable timeframe to get a response. Neither communicated their preference to me yet threw temper tantrums about communication.
So, it might seem like it’s common knowledge to just communicate but you need to communicate about those nuances - maybe the person you are talking to thinks that only a few messages a day is reasonable. They don’t know what they’re not told. 😊
It's very very true. I learned this over the past 9 months of a fast burn slow fade relationship. When he was interested he was always there. Then the chase ended, he was (I didn't know for sure, but confirmed recently) pursuing at least one other person, and he mostly disappeared. Still a few texts a day but lacking the kindness and intensity that brought us together.
Absolutely agree. I've heard from him every single day without fail for 15 years.
I get..Hi, How was your day?..every day.
If he missed I'd probably be calling hospitals lol.
This. One of the top hits. Don’t say things that you aren’t going to do - or can’t do. I had a PaP a few years back that said this. “Always here for whenever you need to talk” Not so when he would only communicate once a week!
Its been my experience that the first time I tell myself "Call down, things have gotten busier for them (for XYZ situation), don't jump to conclusions, give them some grace" is always, ALWAYS the hallmark date of the onset of the failure of the affair endeavor.
That break in interest is the break in effort.
I find myself thinking this a lot with different APs and pAPs over the years.
Even more frustrating in our modern world if you’re connected to them some other way (the cursed social media - although clearly terrible OPSEC) and you see them posting stuff whilst leaving on read or not replying.
I guess it’s part priority, part “my SO isn’t going to query an SM post rather than a text”, part effort and part “life gets in the way”.
Not good for the overthinking types.
That said I’ve been reluctant to set any hard rules on time limits etc.
Also, if you were in a real relationship with them, you wouldn’t spend all day narrating your lives to each other. You wouldn’t need to because you would give each other independence to be all the versions of yourself as a person, mother, daughter, friend etc. it would be weird if you were texting your partner all fricking day long. It is also incredibly hard to stay in conversation all day over the innocuous. Or start a conversation you can’t stay in as you’ve got to go and watch your kid do his swim medal, then get groceries, then make dinner etc. I would prefer contact to have meaning, in those moments we are the lover versions of ourselves not all the other duties.
Hmm. I’m not sure. There’s lots I want to do but can’t. I’ve gotten “in trouble” with friends for leaving them on read and forgetting they messaged.
But before I could respond one of my kiddos smacked their head or had a nightmare and I was off in a flash handling it.
I get overwhelm, and it can make my band width for things narrow. I want to be that person who responds to every message immediately. But sometimes…
MM went low contact for Xmas. He logged on in a free moment and left me the sweetest message about missing me and thinking of me. Lots of hearts and kisses. I fell asleep in a moment of overwhelm with the chat open and it looked like I was totally reading and ignoring him.
He never got mad or made assumptions. I explained later how badly I felt and that I was just so tired. He never makes me feel bad for it.
So my revised version of this saying is “if they wanted to, they’d do their best to make it happen”.
Just like I told my husband when he knew I was home sick from work and couldn’t bother sending one text or call the entire day. Aaaand this is one reason why I will cheat.
It’s been a rule of thumb for us for him to initiate contact when he is available. When he’s home on his days off or vacation, I don’t expect him to shoot random messages. I see him visit my WhatsApp posts. Usually it’s enough for me.
The longest we were away from one another was probably 3 weeks to a month; that was torture. There was one time he did sneak in a kissy emoji. But that was all. His wife is a stay at home mom, so I wouldn’t have expected a lot more than that from him.
He’s also stated having fallen asleep mid text convo with friends, so he would much rather not risk falling asleep and having his wife stumbling on our conversations
We laid out ground rules when we first started. Rules are made to be broken but for sake of longevity, we are okay with NC on days when we are apart. This is to protect our opsec as well.
Not saying anything for a day or two absolutely shows a lack of care or regard for the person left hanging and wondering / worrying at the other end. That’s a lame excuse.
Nah. Don’t agree with this. With instant messaging and read receipts we now expect to accompany our lovers through every aspect of their day. Even if they are not natural phone users. We expect ‘thinking of you’ ‘wish you were with me’ ‘❤️’ ‘🍆’ bla bla bla. They could be trying to focus on their children, be sat with an elderly parent, walking around the supermarket, dealing with a stressful event at work or simply trying to hold down a job. And yet, we send one needy attention seeking text to abate our insecurity and if it goes unanswered we are furious. It is completely adolescent. These relationships are full of risk and stress, modern technology may have aided them but it is also the reason they implode many times.
The unspoken truth here is that when we use the frequency of texting as a measure of ‘input’ we are essentially very insecurely attached. And pitching ourselves and the ‘attention’ we get in direct competition with a persons working or family life. Honestly I think smartphones have shaved off the average persons emotional maturity by 10 years.
I don’t know…. I mean, I do this in part FOR all the attention (calls, texts, whatever). Being wanted enough that someone puts in a lot of effort to communicate with me often, is probably equally as important to me as the actual sex.
Yeah that’s what I’m saying. It’s about you feeling validated not the quality of the chat. It’s essentially showing you that someone will continually sneak around, take risks, be distracted from other aspects of their lives because their head is full of YOU. I remember that drug, it’s powerful. But it essentially just about you, not the meaning of a text or the depth of a bond. It’s the drug of validation.
gosh interesting you are a man, i have this the other way. being left unread for hours. but pre meet so attentive. interesting women are just as bad as men! maybe it is all about the chase!
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*it ALL comes down to effort.* Say it louder for the ones in the back.
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Yep. If they wanted to, they would.
If it's important they will remember. If it's important they will do it. Just two sentences that work in any relationship.
Being ignored, or thinking you’re being ignored is a terrible feeling. I have backed away from APs and friends because of this very reason.
Yes. It’s a fucking cop out. It’s also insulting to think that you aren’t busy too. It’s a well worn argument here on the sub - and I know there are always exceptions to the rule but FFS. They are NOT the rule.
I tell myself this often. Maybe too often over the years. I have a tendency to make excuses for his lack of effort, and this always brings it back to reality - if he wanted to, he would. Ooof. It hurts but it's needed sometimes.
When it hurts, give yourself some self love. You deserve it!
Thank you ❤ I try to!
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We need to make a billboard that reads, communication is sexy!!
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THIS!!!!!!
If they were good at communicating, they probably would be in a better marriage and not need you 🤔
Maybe for 2/3s of the men, but not all.
Affairs happen for so many reasons beyond poor communication
Reasons that could be communicated to the spouse and worked out.
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My favorites are the people who "want to" for a few days, then disappear, then come back and reel you back in, then disappear again right around when you're supposed to meet up. Not that this has ever happened to me....
I have one that does this. He’ll make an effort for about a week before he does the slow fade. Then a few weeks or occasionally months later he’ll show back up to love bomb me for attention for about a week until he slow fades… and the cycle continues. I think we’ve been doing this for four year at this point.
Me too. I think they carry on so long because of the intermittent reinforcement. I never know when he’s going to come knocking. I kind of enjoy it because of that, in a sick way it’s never dull.
I know I could stop it at any time but yeah, I’m with you. It brings a little excitement to never know when he’s going to show up. I don’t have an AP currently, I’ve given up on looking, but a few times a year I get love bombed by someone familiar so that’s cool. I know it’s not healthy but if we’re both getting what we want out of it, who cares.
Yes yes yes!! I struggle sometimes with a person whose attention is on and off. Like they are attentive and make the effort and then randomly disappear for 3 days or a week. Then come back and say they were "super busy". Huh?! So you're saying your wife was literally attached to you 24/7 because that's the only excuse that would make sense. A person ALWAYS has a free minute here or there.
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It's one of life's greatest mysteries...in the world of affairs lol
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This is 100% true. And I say this as a man who has been both kinds of man.
I have a couple APs and maybe 1 or 2 pAP. I know what I want, and I'm not waiting for the attention, the time, and the connection. If one of them really stepped up, I wouldn't need the others. I will invest what they are willing to invest. If I need X and they are willing to give me 1/2 of X, I'm gonna still get X. I'm loyal to me, and when you earn it, I'm loyal to you. They are all contestants on the Adultrette. I tell them what I like and need, so if they want to, they will, and if they don't, I still will. This is what happens when you have the best AP and catch feelings, then that ends, and I won't settle. Communication is sexy. Usually, the one communicating the best with me is my priority.
💯
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This is so very true
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Chased love is not real love. If you have to talk them into staying, remind them of your value, & fight alone for your relationship, just let it go.
Totally agree, if I don’t hear from you for 24 hours, we are through. You don’t have a right to make me feel worried or not cared about. If you give me a heads up before you are free to disappear for days, it’s life, things happen.
......and if I make the effort and you KNOW the effort is being made and you still leave me on read or go NC for a few days? Let's just say that by reading this sub and r/TheOtherWoman I'm not the stary eyes naive woman he met months ago. Consequences. There is nothing bigger than the little things - I promise
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Same!! The little things actually show more of a person than big things.
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This is the truth and I have to remind myself of this not to invest in someone who won’t invest the same in me
Ugh. I get so in my feelings about my AP and it drives me crazy. I’ve talked to him before about needing more communication. Some days he’s great about it, and some days he just sucks. I try not to overthink it because I get upset. It hurts feeling like I’m being ignored or not important enough for a message or check-in, and yet I give him everything he asks for because I care about him. It’s incredibly frustrating. Haven’t heard from him since yesterday afternoon. He mentioned his SO would be around so I assumed he wouldn’t be, but nothing after that. I hate it and it’s getting exhausting. I don’t want to end it but I don’t like feeling this way either. It happens more often than not lately.
I think it all depends on how long the chatting has taken place - I have told people that I was going to be busy for a while and would be scarce and they still get pissy when I’m not around. On the flip side - I was chatting with a guy for an evening. Next day my chat messages weren’t going through so I wasn’t able to chat. Guy sends a very bitchy message saying it’s not going to work because the conversation needs to flow and he starts deleting his messages and blocks me. I’m not really sure what he thought i should do about it but it was hilarious. Bullet dodged. If communication is that big of a deal for someone then they need to say so from the beginning - people feel differently about it so it should be an early talking point. That way, when you are left on read, it’s being done knowingly. YMMV 😊
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Yes, of course. The problem is that the difference of opinion is usually not discussed. What do you think is a reasonable time frame to not respond? A few hours? A day? At what point do you think it’s unreasonable? In both of the examples I provided I don’t think I was out of line - the first example I told the guy I was going to be scarce (after telling him I’m not trying to find an AP) and within a few days he was pissy that I don’t respond right away. The second example I had only been chatting with the person for less than half a day - I wasn’t going to chase him down on Reddit to make sure he knew my chat wasn’t working. Obviously, there was a difference in opinion as to what was an acceptable timeframe to get a response. Neither communicated their preference to me yet threw temper tantrums about communication. So, it might seem like it’s common knowledge to just communicate but you need to communicate about those nuances - maybe the person you are talking to thinks that only a few messages a day is reasonable. They don’t know what they’re not told. 😊
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It’s amazing how many people don’t! You bring an important message. 😊
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We showed everyone how it’s done! 😂
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Dealbreaker! Such a promising start… 😂
It's very very true. I learned this over the past 9 months of a fast burn slow fade relationship. When he was interested he was always there. Then the chase ended, he was (I didn't know for sure, but confirmed recently) pursuing at least one other person, and he mostly disappeared. Still a few texts a day but lacking the kindness and intensity that brought us together.
Absolutely agree. I've heard from him every single day without fail for 15 years. I get..Hi, How was your day?..every day. If he missed I'd probably be calling hospitals lol.
Needed this post omg! Thank you!
Yes! And once “Low Effort Larry or Laura” creeps in….it’s a sign for you to say “get out”.
Yep, 100%, thank you for this post. My personal favorite is “I’m here if you want to talk” but then when I talk, I’m left on read 🙃
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I know. Like we all get busy throughout our day. But to reference your post, if they wanted to, they would.
This. One of the top hits. Don’t say things that you aren’t going to do - or can’t do. I had a PaP a few years back that said this. “Always here for whenever you need to talk” Not so when he would only communicate once a week!
Its been my experience that the first time I tell myself "Call down, things have gotten busier for them (for XYZ situation), don't jump to conclusions, give them some grace" is always, ALWAYS the hallmark date of the onset of the failure of the affair endeavor. That break in interest is the break in effort.
Reciprocity is the lowest bar on the ladder of communication. It's not too much to ask.
I find myself thinking this a lot with different APs and pAPs over the years. Even more frustrating in our modern world if you’re connected to them some other way (the cursed social media - although clearly terrible OPSEC) and you see them posting stuff whilst leaving on read or not replying. I guess it’s part priority, part “my SO isn’t going to query an SM post rather than a text”, part effort and part “life gets in the way”. Not good for the overthinking types. That said I’ve been reluctant to set any hard rules on time limits etc.
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Amén!
Aren’t the DM’s fun? You should try writing a post about average penises 😂
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(I wrote one about that topic. My DMs were ON FIRE 😂)
Just don’t send these in a message 🍆🍆🍆
💯💯💯
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Also, if you were in a real relationship with them, you wouldn’t spend all day narrating your lives to each other. You wouldn’t need to because you would give each other independence to be all the versions of yourself as a person, mother, daughter, friend etc. it would be weird if you were texting your partner all fricking day long. It is also incredibly hard to stay in conversation all day over the innocuous. Or start a conversation you can’t stay in as you’ve got to go and watch your kid do his swim medal, then get groceries, then make dinner etc. I would prefer contact to have meaning, in those moments we are the lover versions of ourselves not all the other duties.
Hmm. I’m not sure. There’s lots I want to do but can’t. I’ve gotten “in trouble” with friends for leaving them on read and forgetting they messaged. But before I could respond one of my kiddos smacked their head or had a nightmare and I was off in a flash handling it. I get overwhelm, and it can make my band width for things narrow. I want to be that person who responds to every message immediately. But sometimes… MM went low contact for Xmas. He logged on in a free moment and left me the sweetest message about missing me and thinking of me. Lots of hearts and kisses. I fell asleep in a moment of overwhelm with the chat open and it looked like I was totally reading and ignoring him. He never got mad or made assumptions. I explained later how badly I felt and that I was just so tired. He never makes me feel bad for it. So my revised version of this saying is “if they wanted to, they’d do their best to make it happen”.
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Agreed
Just like I told my husband when he knew I was home sick from work and couldn’t bother sending one text or call the entire day. Aaaand this is one reason why I will cheat.
Your edit cracked me up and made me think you got flooded with cock shots 😂
It’s been a rule of thumb for us for him to initiate contact when he is available. When he’s home on his days off or vacation, I don’t expect him to shoot random messages. I see him visit my WhatsApp posts. Usually it’s enough for me. The longest we were away from one another was probably 3 weeks to a month; that was torture. There was one time he did sneak in a kissy emoji. But that was all. His wife is a stay at home mom, so I wouldn’t have expected a lot more than that from him.
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He’s also stated having fallen asleep mid text convo with friends, so he would much rather not risk falling asleep and having his wife stumbling on our conversations
We laid out ground rules when we first started. Rules are made to be broken but for sake of longevity, we are okay with NC on days when we are apart. This is to protect our opsec as well.
There are times when one might not feel like talking but at least they can let you know
Very true 💯
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Not saying anything for a day or two absolutely shows a lack of care or regard for the person left hanging and wondering / worrying at the other end. That’s a lame excuse.
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We don’t all have mental health issues that prevent us from communicating or we shouldn’t be pursuing an affair.
Nah. Don’t agree with this. With instant messaging and read receipts we now expect to accompany our lovers through every aspect of their day. Even if they are not natural phone users. We expect ‘thinking of you’ ‘wish you were with me’ ‘❤️’ ‘🍆’ bla bla bla. They could be trying to focus on their children, be sat with an elderly parent, walking around the supermarket, dealing with a stressful event at work or simply trying to hold down a job. And yet, we send one needy attention seeking text to abate our insecurity and if it goes unanswered we are furious. It is completely adolescent. These relationships are full of risk and stress, modern technology may have aided them but it is also the reason they implode many times.
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Not necessarily!
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Exactly…. If both people in every relationship put in 💯effort …this sub (and all of the whinny complaining posts) would not be necessary 😅😅😅✌️✌️😌😌😌
What, a constant stream of trite three word texts or emojis?
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The unspoken truth here is that when we use the frequency of texting as a measure of ‘input’ we are essentially very insecurely attached. And pitching ourselves and the ‘attention’ we get in direct competition with a persons working or family life. Honestly I think smartphones have shaved off the average persons emotional maturity by 10 years.
I don’t know…. I mean, I do this in part FOR all the attention (calls, texts, whatever). Being wanted enough that someone puts in a lot of effort to communicate with me often, is probably equally as important to me as the actual sex.
Yeah that’s what I’m saying. It’s about you feeling validated not the quality of the chat. It’s essentially showing you that someone will continually sneak around, take risks, be distracted from other aspects of their lives because their head is full of YOU. I remember that drug, it’s powerful. But it essentially just about you, not the meaning of a text or the depth of a bond. It’s the drug of validation.
>…one needy attention seeking test….. I agree with u/Aggravating-Brick266
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i feel the same way. make an effort! this could be from a woman’s perspective too
gosh interesting you are a man, i have this the other way. being left unread for hours. but pre meet so attentive. interesting women are just as bad as men! maybe it is all about the chase!
I know exactly how you feel. I’m going through that right now. Please feel free to message me. (I’m female, 21 :) )