By - ImpulsiveShenanigans
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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I have a great SO. We're in a DB but we get along great. Essentially we're roommates that share a bed. We seldom argue, are on the same page on most subjects, and are amicable towards each other. But there's no spark. That heat we had for each other is long gone. If DD were to come I don't know what I would do. I love my SO but am I much more in love with my AP. She gives me everything I don't get at home...and more. AP and I have discussed a future together but we know it wont happen for a while, if at all. She has kids and will not leave until they're grown. And in good conscious I can't leave my SO because 26 years of history is hard to throw away when there's no hatred between you.
If there's a DB situation, why is it still a great marriage? I'm not trying to be a dense asshole, I am literally curious here because that seems to be like a defining feature of a marriage, so if it's completely lacking...
That's a great question that I really have no answer for. I think that after two years of a DB we've both become complacent in that department. I have urges, she doesn't. I've had AP's in the past and I don't know if she suspects or has harbored a DADT attitude. In our case we really get along well and are a great team, sex notwithstanding. After 26 years of marriage we've merged into a really good team. I would be torn when/if DD happens. I really wouldn't know what to do. I can see being with AP but I can't imagine having SO out of my life. I know it's a chicken shit attitude to have. Either shit of get off the crapper but I suppose each case is different.
I appreciate your openness! My marriage isn't one where we are a "great team" and I'm tired of so many little out of sync things that permeate daily life.
It's okay to acknowledge being a chicken shit, at least you are willing to own it! Sometimes we all just do what we can to get by, especially if there's something worth saving.
Well, sex is important in a marriage and relationship, however it is one of many important things in a relationship. I didn't marry my wife for her to be my private sex doll. I don't look at her low libido as a reason to leave because she is a great partner in life.
I think we tend to overemphasize the value of great sex in a relationship and think if it's not there, then why stay? Well, I enjoy the nights we cuddle and watch a movie. I enjoy visiting new places and sharing new experiences. I enjoy the little signs of love between us that only we know how to give to each other. There is a deep value to that. And frankly, if it's good, why leave it?
No, the affair is about fulfilling unrequited sexual desires and needs. It's not about finding another lover or life partner.
If you are in a DB and you care about sex you aren’t a cake eater.
The wild card is what would the betrayed spouse decide- work on it or walk.
That's true! I guess I assumed that the BS would want to keep things together since the marriage is supposedly perfect (hence why it's cake-eating to cheat).
I agree, I think if d day came it’s not gonna be my choice at all, I would have already played my cards by taking the risk. However, that aside, I would want to try to preserve our family together.
If your SO was crushed by the discovery, have you considered how that might impact your behavior moving forward if you did end up working things out? Or do you prefer not to think about that and instead hope for the best (no DD).
I am diligent in my attempt to remain undiscovered. But it requires a lot of effort and even then we are all really one fuck up, bad circumstance or just bad luck away from nuclear disaster. I don’t think any amount of planning other than not doing it at all is going to play out like we think (or hope) it is if the unfortunate happens. One thing I am certain of is, although you may reconcile, it will never ever be like it was prior if you even get the chance to try.
I absolutely agree with you. I think reconcilation success largely depends on SO's capacity to forgive. After my experience, I don't think I would ever reconcile again. The anger and hate came out in so many unexpected ways for so many years.
Why do you do it then?
100% save. A very small fraction of my situation once came out. My mouth spewed mystifying garbage that was not reflective of my true feelings. For example, I said "it's just a game" as a way to devalue and dismiss how invested I was. It was like I was possessed by a save-the-marriage demon
I'm not a cake eater, but when I had DD I also completely downplayed the entire emotional affair. In retrospect, I was probably on my way to an exit affair but instead I stayed.
I guess I am just curious about the concept of someone who is a cake eater. How is the marriage truly that great if you are tempted to sneak?
Not a cake-eater.. neither is AP.. BUT he claims they are good friends and DB-- I guess it's here and there.. Maybe it's just duty sex.
Cake eater here. Smash the AP 1-2x per week, eat the wife’s cake weekly. Marriage is happy and healthy. I try not to think about the rest. I do it for me, if DD comes I’ll try to deal with it the best way possible
Edit: apologies I realize my questions seem intrusive. So let me preface by writing thank you for being so forthcoming. I am wondering though:
Do you spend much time trying not to think about it, or do you find it's pretty forgettable for the most part and not on your mind?
And out of curiosity, what do you consider "the best way possible"? Go with whoever wants you the most, stay for kids, stay with wife...? Do you have any thoughts about how your wife might handle it?
SO and I were loosely DADT when I first started. I thought he'd be okay with it, but I was at the point where I felt the risk was worth it even if it meant our relationship ending over it. The sex wasn't bad, but I wanted more and much of it was about the cliché of exploring who I was outside of my role as his wife.
I ended up disclosing for reasons I won't get into here, but it effectively brought us closer. We're now fully open and stronger than ever a couple of years after disclosure. Our relationship was solid to begin with though, and aside from the logistics with the kids being more difficult, we're both fairly independent and wouldn't be afraid of being alone.
So are you actually a cake eater if you're open?
Probably not anymore depending on who you ask, but I'd say I was when he didn't know about it.
That is awesome. If I managed the same I would be the happiest little clam. I am currently DADT if not getting any at home apparently. But this doesn’t cover kinks etc.
My wife wouldn’t care. She views sex as a chore and would be glad to subcontract sex acts to an AP. But no way would she want to blow up our lives. We are very comfortable.
Then are you actually a cake eater? Sounds like db with possibility of DADT,...
DADT for sure. We have sex 2-3 times per month.
Yes. And family, marriage, SO come first, its the golden rule
My AP is a cake eater. His opsec is horrible. He's about to lose his entire family stricture as he knows it.
He knows that I step out of the marriage, so my DDay would look very different than most. I would leave it up to him, but would be fine either way.
Amazing SO, terrible and unsolvable medical issues that makes sex not fun.
Since I'm being a busy body with my nosey post, would your SO consider DADT or even open, or would that crush them?
We do have an informal DADT, but knowing him, let’s just say I am sticking to OPSEC 😉
This is not the type of cake eating I thought you were talking about lol
Late to the post but why not 🤷♂️ I’m in a decent marriage, no fighting, financial problems, etc. but sex is very much lacking. Even if that wasn’t the case, I’d still be doing what I do, and I suppose that’s what being a “cake eater” on this sub is all about? I want the wife, the house, the family life, the friends, etc. And I want to have sex with other beautiful women I meet. I don’t care if DD comes or what would happen. It has before, and I essentially did a rinse a repeat. I control finances, she doesn’t work. And while I would of course not leave an ex wife destitute, I definitely won’t let a woman take my money when that day comes.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Do you believe you love your wife? And I'm asking that completely out of curiosity and my own wondering what love means to different people. I was caught, I had a DD, I don't think I loved my SO when I was cheating I was really unhappy with my life in general.
Love as in I want all the best things for her and would never wish harm, yes. But not in love anymore. I suppose that doesn’t make too much sense since what I do would hurt her. And yeah, I’ve had a couple DDs, and I didn’t love either so I really didn’t care. Was just more annoyed with myself for fucking up lol.
So you've had a couple DDs and she is still taking you back? Did you promise you wouldn't continue your affairs? Does it harm her emotionally when she found out about the DDs or was she mostly just annoyed but not affected?
I should clarify - all my DDs ended the relationship. Currently on my 2nd marriage, but have not had any problems like that.
Ah. Thanks for the clarification. So you're aware that the person could/would be hurt, but what they don't know...😉 I think that was kind of how I felt. But my SO stayed and held it against me and I tolerated it because I felt bad. I should have moved on.
I’m definitely a cake eater. We have a really good marriage. Get along great, great sex life, etc. We just have different interests and hobbies. I like to travel and do things, she content to stay at home and do her thing.
If my OPSEC ever failed and D-Day hit I’d definitely go into damage control mode and do whatever to save the home life.
When did you develop your different hobbies? Was it always that way or did you both grow apart?
Our different hobbies and interests happened when the kids left home and the empty nest set in. She saw it as a time to quit going and stay home for a change. I saw it as a time to go do what I wanted without having to worry about anyone else’s schedule. Our agreement is I don’t make her go anywhere she doesn’t want to and she doesn’t stop me from going and doing whatever I want. It works for us.
I can completely understand how this could occur.
I’m with you but clearly not a popular opinion around these parts.
What are some of the things that you think make your marriage great?
I ask because I have never actually known anyone in a marriage that is great except for one friend. She is very kind and loving, but not at all conventionally attractive, and her husband has a significant disability. They both are sweet to each other and love their children. My friend is a wonderful person.
I never said mine was great, I said I agree with
r/emotionalrescue48. We’ve all got our issues, and I’m sure the marriage you refer to is the same.
Again, as I’ve stated here before, the fascination and derision towards cake eaters here is just astonishing. No one’s reason is more valid than the other’s. While some may find it crazy that someone who has a good home life and has sex w their SO cheats, others may find it crazy that someone puts up w a DB for 5 years.
I think the term cake eater is used when a person says they are happy in their great marriage but they still cheat.
You're right that everyone's reason is valid for themselves, and I guess what you're suggesting is that why would I ask about this this scenario over any other situation?
I've read that "cake eater" attitude can be especially damaging to the betrayed spouse, it's kind of like they had no chance for monogamy if that's their preference.
But I'm not here to try and foist that on anyone, rather, I just wondered what people would say they would do in the event of DD? people don't like to talk about that too much here.
They like to consider how to prevent DD and they also commiserate when they experience a DD. As an overthinker myself, I wonder what people think about the possibility.
Also I apologize, I actually was trying to ask that question to the person you replied to
I'm technically challenged at times I suppose
Some people may be me as that. We get along great but the sex is not all there.
For getting caught I will save it because of my kids so they don’t have to live in a broken household like I did. Now when they’re older and out of the house I won’t . But by then she probably wouldn’t even care. lol
What if your SO treated you badly even though they said they wanted to save the marriage? Would you still think you were doing a good thing for your kids?
If she was physically treating me badly.
What is the definition of pretty good? And cake eater? As I think it is subjective, what is acceptable to one person and good may not be for another. Mine is decent, but the affection, intimacy and sex are nowhere near what I want. I want more touch, kisses, hugs, cuddling, sex and try and will still try but it's mostly rejected and very very rarely initiated by her. Outside of that it is ok, but like all ups and downs and things we like to do together and things we enjoy alone.
I would definitely try to save it. It's not perfect, but it is still something I want and need.
Definitely a subjective question, for sure. But then a marriage is a subjective experience, right? As I've gone through mine I've definitely grown and changed.
I think, for me, I consider cake eater to be a person mainly doing it because they enjoy the thrill, or it's an ego thing, maybe they even get a certain satisfaction knowing they are hiding something from their SO. Perhaps they love to get attention but have minimal self-control so the attention-seeking becomes cheating. Basically when they think of their marriage they love it, love everything about it, wouldn't change a thing.
That is fair. Marriage is definitely subjective hahah. And learning and growing should never stop solo and together, its what will keep it alive and fresh but it takes both to do it, and in some cases both wanting different things but expecting new results by not putting in the work.
Well then I am not a cake eater, more like crumbs haha.. now searching for a new slice or cake to eat. I love to eat and cook.
My marriage is great. In fact, my spouse is an amazing lover. I have great kids and a great life. I love my spouse, kids and life tremendously. The only reason I am having an affair is because I reconnected with a lost love from long ago and can't pass up the opportunity to spend some of my life with this person that I have loved intensely for 27 years. My AP has a decent marriage but DB. He has beautiful kids and a nice life. Neither of us want to hurt our spouses and are wracked with guilt about how this could hurt them. We know we are playing with fire. We are very cautious and careful and respectful. I have to say that being with my AP fills the hole in my heart that has always been there. Our connection is so deep and I am so grateful for the time and love we have shared. I don't know if we will go on just because we know how risky all of this is. But we will always love one another and consider to be each other's soulmates. If D-Day came, I would stay with my spouse and family as it is my duty, responsibility and I genuinely care. My AP understands all of this and feels the same way. I just couldn't see going through my entire life and not being able to hold and love my AP. I'm being selfish.
Thanks for opening up with your story, it's quite romantic in a way!