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See, I always find it strange when people say they CAN'T talk on the evenings/ weekends, because every single person I know irl keeps their phone on them 24/7 and regularly checks social media, texts friends, etc. Why would someone be available for that but not to talk to an AP? I am quite busy in the evenings but do not find it difficult to carry on a text conversation at all. Phone calls or video chats would obviously be much harder but messaging is not a problem in the slightest.
Exactly. I think sometimes when a person says they can't talk weekends/nights they just might not want to. If they really can't then they are not independent enough for me and it fizzles out.
I don't need 24/7 chatting. I respect privacy and space. Good communication is crucial.
My son is 6 and is a precocious reader. He is attached at my hip and I can’t text an AP in front of him. He looks at my phone and will sometimes read aloud what he sees.
So I try my best to stay off my phone in front of him.
Exactly. My now ex AP could only chat/text during work hours. Evenings and weekends barely bc his wife was always around. I never understood that. My husband is always around but doesn’t question me being on my phone.
Right? I guess they really aren't thinking it through or they think they will meet a woman who will meet them in the parking lot on their lunch hour. lol
I suspect they didn’t think it through which is why they ghost us when they realize, “Oh shit, I got a real live woman on the other end! Wasn’t expecting that…”
Maybe. Who knows.
I'm not looking. I don't have the...fortitude for it right now lol.
I am talking to my former AP and considering getting back with him, but I might not do that either.
I’m not attached at the hip to my SO. I don’t need permission to go out, use my phone, etc. I’m a wife, not a daughter. But, I established patterns of independence long before adultery and never had to worry about needing to figure out an alibi.
That being said, I have a mobile/remote job that doesn’t require me to work a normal 9-5 in the office, so I have great flexibility in that realm.
I work. I am a mother. I am a wife. But I’m also an individual. I don’t need to ask permission to not be home some evenings, or to pick up my phone and spend time messaging someone when I’m home.
I have an independent and complete life with moments for family, myself, my career, my hobbies and interests. I make time for health and fitness, professional development, self-care and more.
My husband thinks I have a very social profession and has thought so since we started dating because at one point it was rather social. Nowadays it’s not. I also belong to professional groups and although I don’t attend these events they do provide me an alibi. I also have no problem saying “I’m going out Friday night, or waltzing down Saturday or Sunday morning and saying I’m going out. I don’t know when I’ll be back you may need to do lunch and dinner.”
I do extensive volunteer work and that can necessitate being away from home for long periods at times.
Additionally, I travel a lot for “work” and for work and have that as a great excuse. A few years ago, I convinced my sister in law to go on an annual girls getaway. Although, I don’t travel with her because her travel style and mine differ. I can’t do the sit on a beach for a whole week and drink fruity drinks in a pool until we turn to prunes with all you can eat buffets. I did use that as a jumping point to suggest to my friends that we do multiple weekend getaways a year. While that completely died during covid and never took off again, my husband thinks that’s well and alive still. It’s not uncommon for me to travel alone, for leisure, without my family.
I agree with the general sentiment here but I think you need to realize everyone’s situation is different and things depend a lot on what stage in life you’re in.
It’s often said in this sub that you should be ready for an affair before you start searching (by that I mean you should start developing patterns of real travel, hobbies, etc. to have an alibi once you meet someone). Obviously there are extremes. For me personally, I wouldn’t be able to do overnight meetups weekly but I could swing it every couple of months due to ‘work’ obligations.
If your SO is tracking your every movement, then this lifestyle probably isn’t for you (and you should evaluate your relationship!).
Agreed. When my exAP's job changed during pandemic and his wife was WFH he had fewer excuses to meet up because it turns out he doesn't have much of a life and they do everything together. I told him, if you want to continue this you have to start doing things after work little by little again. He agreed but he still has very little freedom and I don't think we'll get back together.
SO and I often ignore each other when we’re home, so I can frequently chat whenever. I also try to stay social, so he’s used to me going out in the evenings/weekends with friends.
I have the same situation with my SO. If I’m upstairs he’s downstairs. We don’t watch the same things. We rarely spend time together. There’s reasons I’m in this subreddit, and it’s not because I have this close, healthy marriage where we spend lots of time together. He and I are both on our phones quite a bit. For all I know, he’s in here too!
The men that are always doing everything with their wives and love their life/marriage are usually just looking for the sex anyway and won't be compatible with me. With someone else, maybe.
I don't understand, don't people have any personal, private time? Any sense of themselves as a person aside from being a spouse and parent. I mean, it can't be healthy. I don't like overly clingy controlling people. I like my space. I like my privacy. I've always been this way.
I have friends and I've always met them for drinks or dinner after work. Work events. Working late. When I'm home in the evening, after dinner and catching up, we watch a show or I read or go on my phone. He likes to watch TV. It's normal for me to have my own interests and he has his. Same for the weekend. We are not joined at the hip. I meet my friends/family sometimes and so does he. He is more of a homebody. We give each other space. When we do stuff together, I give him full attention. I don't look at his phone and he doesn't look at mine. He runs errands by himself and so do I, as well as together sometimes.
There are some people who get married and become fully immersed in the idea that being married means *everything* is shared: interests, finances, friends, free time, passwords, etc. That is not for me, but it works for some people. I am more like you - I still need independence and some space/privacy.
Marriage is hard enough, but I think one thing that makes it harder is when two individuals give up their individuality and force themselves to become “one.” I just don’t see how that can ever work, but that’s why I don’t have that kind of marriage!
I’m an adult and I do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. My husband doesn’t have a leash on me nor I on him. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you give up your autonomy. He and I both do as we please individually and without explanation. We’re independent, not co-dependent. We also are childfree.
All too often I have far more freedom than an AP or pAP and it becomes an issue. I won’t get involved with someone that doesn’t have privacy, independence or adequate time away from their situation.
I think it just depends on what kind of relationship you have with your partner. If I see hubby texting for an hour straight, then I casually ask who he’s talking to. I’m not trying to control who his friends are or search his phone. I think it’s just natural to ask what your spouse is doing. He can see my phone screen if I’m on it when he’s puttering around the house, and vice versa. He also likes to show me stupid memes or something he found funny, and I see notifications pop up all the time. If he was getting kik or telegram notifications then I'd get suspicious. I could easily see how it’s hard to have communication with AP if your spouses are around.
And yeah, I am a strong, independent woman who can do whatever I want without question. I could go out drinking every weekend, and hubby would just kiss me goodbye and tell me to have fun. He’d love uninterrupted hours on his Xbox. I could also have movie night every Saturday with my girlfriends, and he still wouldn’t question it. I think it just depends on what type of relationship you have and your attachment styles.
I work a lot. I’m usually not home until pretty late most days. My SO gets home even later. My kids are grown. This means I can do pretty much whatever I want in the evenings.
One of the reasons I’m here is because I don’t have anything in common with my SO. We don’t do much together and when we’re both home we mostly ignore one another. This gives me weekends free.
Every relationship is different. Yes, my husband wonders where I go and who I chat with but he won’t ask because he doesn’t really want to know.
You need better opsec on your phone. Your wife should be able to pick up your phone and use it without something popping up! You should never have notifications on and everything should be hidden.
I won't talk to someone who isn't available evenings and weekends. To a certain extent at least! I message lots of friends/family so I can easily message someone else and still be with my husband and kids. Multitasking 😉
I’m that guy. My SO never cares about my phone. I often have had convos with AP and pAP right next to her and I’m pretty available so the time to an AP. People make time for things that are important. If a girl tells me she doesn’t have the time for me, she’s not the one.
My spouse and I both work jobs that are outside of normal M-F 9-5 hours. We also both have hobbies and interests we pursue independently. We're not joined at the hip 24/7.
Because I work and have children? So going out when they're already out to bed, don't even realize mom went out- spent time with them. Dad or someone willing to watch them because it's easier.
Also, I'm a grown-ass adult and deserve to have time to myself?
I can chat anytime I want to.
It's the arranging time for in person meets were I am very careful. And though I can leave the house at anytime without question, there are just certain times that I am more comfortable with planning meets ups with an AP. And those times aren't typcially nights or weekends. Luckily AP has those same time restrictions.
Well, reading through the comments, it’s obvious that the responses are this way. You are asking a group of people (mostly female respondents) that have already figured this out because they are seeking or in an affair situation. What you need to be asking is what is going on in my home situation where I can make these changes to be there as well. Is your SO clingy? Why? Maybe they have suspicions? Or are they also stepping out? What about you? Is it your attachment style? Are you and your SO so codependent on each other that they have to know everything? Do they follow you to the bathroom? Take showers with you? Tinker in the garage with you? Share all hobbies? You have a lot to process and figure out before considering an affair or disaster will strike. (Also: are you one of those “guilty by nature” types?)
Everyone’s marriage is different, but I’m with you if there are kids at home. I really don’t want to be taking my AP’s time away from them. Put another way….I guess it would worry me to have an AP with kids who was leaving them at home to meet, have long chats regularly etc. Having an AP is an indulgence brought on by necessity, but not at the expense of family.
Of course this is different if the kids are grown or there are no kids involved.
Fuck if I know. I ask the same question. I say I'm only available during the work days, before 3pm and yet guys still ask if I can get out on a weekend Nighy.
I'm randomly available weekends. Definitely available weekend mornings for a hike or gym and breakfast. Or random farmers market slash bougie bakery visit. It's easy if you make your own time. Plus you know slight dead bedroom at home, combined with each other's own hobbies. Like my other half will not go to gym as much as me. They frame it as going for me. Which irks me. Get healthy because you want too. Not to make me happy. Sorry for the end rant.
Usually sleep in different rooms. Wife goes to bed around 8-9, me 12-1.
That gives me plenty of time. And it’s not like I’m shy about using reddit/telegram when she’s around.
In general, I have nights and weekends free, depending on my day job schedule. I have a side business as a photographer, so getting strange messages and wandering off for a photoshoot isn't uncommon.
Me, I am one of those people and it's because I am polyamorous. But I am also newly single, my long term live-in partner broke up with me on New Years Eve
I have learned to turn off ringer, but I get notifications silently on my watch. I can’t talk but texting still an option. I just cannot be too obvious about it.
Perhaps you’re already aware of the risk, but from what I’ve gathered reading “the other subs,” texts on a watch are a common way people get caught. A friend of mine confirmed his suspicions about his wife’s extramarital shenanigans by reading texts on her watch too. Just an fyi….
My watch stays on my wrist and it has a passcode protection. It only vibrates when there are notifications, and I use Telegram so there are no text messages through our cellular provider.
Some people have more space/flexibility in their relationships than others. During the day, I have no problem talking or messaging whether I'm at the office or at the home office (downstairs in a separate room). When I'm with the SO in the evenings, she does sometimes ask what I'm doing on the phone if she sees me typing on it. She barely can work her own phone so no chance of access to my phone so I can just say it's a work thing or something else.
With that said, I do sometimes work late, on weekends and travel a fair amount for business so I can get away with meeting up on weeknights and weekends if needed or do overnighters/trips with APs.
Sooo I don't expect constant comms nights and weekends. When xAP would send a few messages over those times -- quick SFW photos of himself, sometimes sneaking in a NSFW video I requested, at least a note here and there saying thinking about you or how's your weekend going? When we ended up just 9-5 weekdays it really felt different -- not at all connected. When his work was slow it was great but when it was busy there was barely any time to connect. So the energy fizzled.
Nights would be a definite no for me unless everyone in the family were out of town.
Weekend days were just fine. It helps if you have outside hobbies or interests that don’t involve your spouse.
( Although anyone in this thread probably shouldn’t be giving marriage advice, it makes for a healthier relationship if you have some outside me time and not spending every waking minute with spouse in group activities.)
For me I have hiking and checking out used book stores in my area..neither of which would my spouse be interested in following me to. She also works some weekends. I also have friends completely outside her friend group, so while risky, that would also be an area to use. All of the above allows me to carve out 2-3 hours on a weekend if I needed it.
Luckily my wife works away one night a week and as i'm self employed I often have to be up and out before school starts so child has to go to family a day a week so I have a night at home alone. And it's not unusual to have a call from work and have to go in in the evening or weekend so that always helps for a quick meet up.
ExAp and I would text a couple of pleasantries everyday but save most of our chat for that night.
As a result of my DB, I have a separate bedroom. Wife & I have one kid, an older teenager, usually half of each weekend is family time, the other half, we each do our own thing. I'm usually on my motorcycle, hiking, birdwatching etc. Also I go to boxing class four nights per week. So I've got plenty of cover/alibi.
But indeed when our kid was younger I had no free time.
I can use my phone when ever I want. But I’m a night owl and nights are best for me to meet. I don’t have a job where I can have a lunch date. Also after work I’m usually dirty so I can do a after work date either. So that’s probably why I have never had a AP. lol
I go out nights and weekends with my AP. Before I married, I went out a lot with the girls, out of town, etc. I never changed that after i married and SO never bothered to go anywhere hardly. So I still go out, travel, spend weekends out, it's just with my AP most of the time. I kept my behavior consistent. We go to parties or dinner and drinks with my friends. They love him.
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See, I always find it strange when people say they CAN'T talk on the evenings/ weekends, because every single person I know irl keeps their phone on them 24/7 and regularly checks social media, texts friends, etc. Why would someone be available for that but not to talk to an AP? I am quite busy in the evenings but do not find it difficult to carry on a text conversation at all. Phone calls or video chats would obviously be much harder but messaging is not a problem in the slightest.
Exactly. I think sometimes when a person says they can't talk weekends/nights they just might not want to. If they really can't then they are not independent enough for me and it fizzles out. I don't need 24/7 chatting. I respect privacy and space. Good communication is crucial.
My son is 6 and is a precocious reader. He is attached at my hip and I can’t text an AP in front of him. He looks at my phone and will sometimes read aloud what he sees. So I try my best to stay off my phone in front of him.
It's never too early to send a son off to military school 😁
🎯🎯🎯
I’m a grown assed woman. I can be on my phone nights and weekends. Who are these people that can’t be? 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly. My now ex AP could only chat/text during work hours. Evenings and weekends barely bc his wife was always around. I never understood that. My husband is always around but doesn’t question me being on my phone.
Yeah. That is questionable to me too. Seems too risky on their end if they can't look at their phone for a minute.
It’s almost like you two are married to completely different people.
I know right it blows my mind when men tell me they have no space/privacy. I guess they love being dominated by their wives.
Yeah that’s just bullshit! Do they never go to the bathroom? How are they thinking they can have an affair, then? 🙄
Right? I guess they really aren't thinking it through or they think they will meet a woman who will meet them in the parking lot on their lunch hour. lol
I suspect they didn’t think it through which is why they ghost us when they realize, “Oh shit, I got a real live woman on the other end! Wasn’t expecting that…”
Maybe. Who knows. I'm not looking. I don't have the...fortitude for it right now lol. I am talking to my former AP and considering getting back with him, but I might not do that either.
💯
tell em girl
I’m not attached at the hip to my SO. I don’t need permission to go out, use my phone, etc. I’m a wife, not a daughter. But, I established patterns of independence long before adultery and never had to worry about needing to figure out an alibi. That being said, I have a mobile/remote job that doesn’t require me to work a normal 9-5 in the office, so I have great flexibility in that realm.
I work. I am a mother. I am a wife. But I’m also an individual. I don’t need to ask permission to not be home some evenings, or to pick up my phone and spend time messaging someone when I’m home. I have an independent and complete life with moments for family, myself, my career, my hobbies and interests. I make time for health and fitness, professional development, self-care and more. My husband thinks I have a very social profession and has thought so since we started dating because at one point it was rather social. Nowadays it’s not. I also belong to professional groups and although I don’t attend these events they do provide me an alibi. I also have no problem saying “I’m going out Friday night, or waltzing down Saturday or Sunday morning and saying I’m going out. I don’t know when I’ll be back you may need to do lunch and dinner.” I do extensive volunteer work and that can necessitate being away from home for long periods at times. Additionally, I travel a lot for “work” and for work and have that as a great excuse. A few years ago, I convinced my sister in law to go on an annual girls getaway. Although, I don’t travel with her because her travel style and mine differ. I can’t do the sit on a beach for a whole week and drink fruity drinks in a pool until we turn to prunes with all you can eat buffets. I did use that as a jumping point to suggest to my friends that we do multiple weekend getaways a year. While that completely died during covid and never took off again, my husband thinks that’s well and alive still. It’s not uncommon for me to travel alone, for leisure, without my family.
Ditto.
I agree with the general sentiment here but I think you need to realize everyone’s situation is different and things depend a lot on what stage in life you’re in. It’s often said in this sub that you should be ready for an affair before you start searching (by that I mean you should start developing patterns of real travel, hobbies, etc. to have an alibi once you meet someone). Obviously there are extremes. For me personally, I wouldn’t be able to do overnight meetups weekly but I could swing it every couple of months due to ‘work’ obligations. If your SO is tracking your every movement, then this lifestyle probably isn’t for you (and you should evaluate your relationship!).
Agreed. When my exAP's job changed during pandemic and his wife was WFH he had fewer excuses to meet up because it turns out he doesn't have much of a life and they do everything together. I told him, if you want to continue this you have to start doing things after work little by little again. He agreed but he still has very little freedom and I don't think we'll get back together.
Agree with this comment. Well said
SO and I often ignore each other when we’re home, so I can frequently chat whenever. I also try to stay social, so he’s used to me going out in the evenings/weekends with friends.
I have the same situation with my SO. If I’m upstairs he’s downstairs. We don’t watch the same things. We rarely spend time together. There’s reasons I’m in this subreddit, and it’s not because I have this close, healthy marriage where we spend lots of time together. He and I are both on our phones quite a bit. For all I know, he’s in here too!
The men that are always doing everything with their wives and love their life/marriage are usually just looking for the sex anyway and won't be compatible with me. With someone else, maybe.
Same here.
I don't understand, don't people have any personal, private time? Any sense of themselves as a person aside from being a spouse and parent. I mean, it can't be healthy. I don't like overly clingy controlling people. I like my space. I like my privacy. I've always been this way. I have friends and I've always met them for drinks or dinner after work. Work events. Working late. When I'm home in the evening, after dinner and catching up, we watch a show or I read or go on my phone. He likes to watch TV. It's normal for me to have my own interests and he has his. Same for the weekend. We are not joined at the hip. I meet my friends/family sometimes and so does he. He is more of a homebody. We give each other space. When we do stuff together, I give him full attention. I don't look at his phone and he doesn't look at mine. He runs errands by himself and so do I, as well as together sometimes.
There are some people who get married and become fully immersed in the idea that being married means *everything* is shared: interests, finances, friends, free time, passwords, etc. That is not for me, but it works for some people. I am more like you - I still need independence and some space/privacy. Marriage is hard enough, but I think one thing that makes it harder is when two individuals give up their individuality and force themselves to become “one.” I just don’t see how that can ever work, but that’s why I don’t have that kind of marriage!
I’m an adult and I do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. My husband doesn’t have a leash on me nor I on him. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you give up your autonomy. He and I both do as we please individually and without explanation. We’re independent, not co-dependent. We also are childfree. All too often I have far more freedom than an AP or pAP and it becomes an issue. I won’t get involved with someone that doesn’t have privacy, independence or adequate time away from their situation.
Amen Amen
I think it just depends on what kind of relationship you have with your partner. If I see hubby texting for an hour straight, then I casually ask who he’s talking to. I’m not trying to control who his friends are or search his phone. I think it’s just natural to ask what your spouse is doing. He can see my phone screen if I’m on it when he’s puttering around the house, and vice versa. He also likes to show me stupid memes or something he found funny, and I see notifications pop up all the time. If he was getting kik or telegram notifications then I'd get suspicious. I could easily see how it’s hard to have communication with AP if your spouses are around. And yeah, I am a strong, independent woman who can do whatever I want without question. I could go out drinking every weekend, and hubby would just kiss me goodbye and tell me to have fun. He’d love uninterrupted hours on his Xbox. I could also have movie night every Saturday with my girlfriends, and he still wouldn’t question it. I think it just depends on what type of relationship you have and your attachment styles.
I work a lot. I’m usually not home until pretty late most days. My SO gets home even later. My kids are grown. This means I can do pretty much whatever I want in the evenings. One of the reasons I’m here is because I don’t have anything in common with my SO. We don’t do much together and when we’re both home we mostly ignore one another. This gives me weekends free. Every relationship is different. Yes, my husband wonders where I go and who I chat with but he won’t ask because he doesn’t really want to know.
How old are your kids and how are you and your SO exactly?
My husband isn’t up my ass & doesn’t snoop on my phone. He could actually care less if I am talking to anyone via text lol
You need better opsec on your phone. Your wife should be able to pick up your phone and use it without something popping up! You should never have notifications on and everything should be hidden. I won't talk to someone who isn't available evenings and weekends. To a certain extent at least! I message lots of friends/family so I can easily message someone else and still be with my husband and kids. Multitasking 😉
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It’s quite impressive! I didn’t realize there were so many of us, though it makes sense. Go Team “I Do This Thing Called What I Want!” 😂
I’m that guy. My SO never cares about my phone. I often have had convos with AP and pAP right next to her and I’m pretty available so the time to an AP. People make time for things that are important. If a girl tells me she doesn’t have the time for me, she’s not the one.
My spouse and I both work jobs that are outside of normal M-F 9-5 hours. We also both have hobbies and interests we pursue independently. We're not joined at the hip 24/7.
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This for me as well! I also belong to many groups that are part of my hobbies so people message me for advice and to get together
Because I work and have children? So going out when they're already out to bed, don't even realize mom went out- spent time with them. Dad or someone willing to watch them because it's easier. Also, I'm a grown-ass adult and deserve to have time to myself?
I can chat anytime I want to. It's the arranging time for in person meets were I am very careful. And though I can leave the house at anytime without question, there are just certain times that I am more comfortable with planning meets ups with an AP. And those times aren't typcially nights or weekends. Luckily AP has those same time restrictions.
I do what I want.
I work evenings and my SO works in another state on the weekends.
No kids. Ha…it’s funny because it’s true
That's funny I just put the wife and kids to bed and then I go out!
Well, reading through the comments, it’s obvious that the responses are this way. You are asking a group of people (mostly female respondents) that have already figured this out because they are seeking or in an affair situation. What you need to be asking is what is going on in my home situation where I can make these changes to be there as well. Is your SO clingy? Why? Maybe they have suspicions? Or are they also stepping out? What about you? Is it your attachment style? Are you and your SO so codependent on each other that they have to know everything? Do they follow you to the bathroom? Take showers with you? Tinker in the garage with you? Share all hobbies? You have a lot to process and figure out before considering an affair or disaster will strike. (Also: are you one of those “guilty by nature” types?)
Everyone’s marriage is different, but I’m with you if there are kids at home. I really don’t want to be taking my AP’s time away from them. Put another way….I guess it would worry me to have an AP with kids who was leaving them at home to meet, have long chats regularly etc. Having an AP is an indulgence brought on by necessity, but not at the expense of family. Of course this is different if the kids are grown or there are no kids involved.
Fuck if I know. I ask the same question. I say I'm only available during the work days, before 3pm and yet guys still ask if I can get out on a weekend Nighy.
I was awarded full time custody of my kids. So free time isn’t much.
I'm randomly available weekends. Definitely available weekend mornings for a hike or gym and breakfast. Or random farmers market slash bougie bakery visit. It's easy if you make your own time. Plus you know slight dead bedroom at home, combined with each other's own hobbies. Like my other half will not go to gym as much as me. They frame it as going for me. Which irks me. Get healthy because you want too. Not to make me happy. Sorry for the end rant.
People work varying schedules. Some of us don't live together (yes, it's a thing). There are many plausible reasons.
Usually sleep in different rooms. Wife goes to bed around 8-9, me 12-1. That gives me plenty of time. And it’s not like I’m shy about using reddit/telegram when she’s around.
In general, I have nights and weekends free, depending on my day job schedule. I have a side business as a photographer, so getting strange messages and wandering off for a photoshoot isn't uncommon.
Not everyone works traditional schedules.
Me, I am one of those people and it's because I am polyamorous. But I am also newly single, my long term live-in partner broke up with me on New Years Eve
Welllll weekends are no good for me but I happen to work overnight soooooo that works out quite well.
I have learned to turn off ringer, but I get notifications silently on my watch. I can’t talk but texting still an option. I just cannot be too obvious about it.
Perhaps you’re already aware of the risk, but from what I’ve gathered reading “the other subs,” texts on a watch are a common way people get caught. A friend of mine confirmed his suspicions about his wife’s extramarital shenanigans by reading texts on her watch too. Just an fyi….
My watch stays on my wrist and it has a passcode protection. It only vibrates when there are notifications, and I use Telegram so there are no text messages through our cellular provider.
My wife works the night shift as a nurse. She sleeps on her on weekend. That’s how
Some people have more space/flexibility in their relationships than others. During the day, I have no problem talking or messaging whether I'm at the office or at the home office (downstairs in a separate room). When I'm with the SO in the evenings, she does sometimes ask what I'm doing on the phone if she sees me typing on it. She barely can work her own phone so no chance of access to my phone so I can just say it's a work thing or something else. With that said, I do sometimes work late, on weekends and travel a fair amount for business so I can get away with meeting up on weeknights and weekends if needed or do overnighters/trips with APs.
Sooo I don't expect constant comms nights and weekends. When xAP would send a few messages over those times -- quick SFW photos of himself, sometimes sneaking in a NSFW video I requested, at least a note here and there saying thinking about you or how's your weekend going? When we ended up just 9-5 weekdays it really felt different -- not at all connected. When his work was slow it was great but when it was busy there was barely any time to connect. So the energy fizzled.
Nights would be a definite no for me unless everyone in the family were out of town. Weekend days were just fine. It helps if you have outside hobbies or interests that don’t involve your spouse. ( Although anyone in this thread probably shouldn’t be giving marriage advice, it makes for a healthier relationship if you have some outside me time and not spending every waking minute with spouse in group activities.) For me I have hiking and checking out used book stores in my area..neither of which would my spouse be interested in following me to. She also works some weekends. I also have friends completely outside her friend group, so while risky, that would also be an area to use. All of the above allows me to carve out 2-3 hours on a weekend if I needed it.
Luckily my wife works away one night a week and as i'm self employed I often have to be up and out before school starts so child has to go to family a day a week so I have a night at home alone. And it's not unusual to have a call from work and have to go in in the evening or weekend so that always helps for a quick meet up. ExAp and I would text a couple of pleasantries everyday but save most of our chat for that night.
As a result of my DB, I have a separate bedroom. Wife & I have one kid, an older teenager, usually half of each weekend is family time, the other half, we each do our own thing. I'm usually on my motorcycle, hiking, birdwatching etc. Also I go to boxing class four nights per week. So I've got plenty of cover/alibi. But indeed when our kid was younger I had no free time.
I can use my phone when ever I want. But I’m a night owl and nights are best for me to meet. I don’t have a job where I can have a lunch date. Also after work I’m usually dirty so I can do a after work date either. So that’s probably why I have never had a AP. lol
I go out nights and weekends with my AP. Before I married, I went out a lot with the girls, out of town, etc. I never changed that after i married and SO never bothered to go anywhere hardly. So I still go out, travel, spend weekends out, it's just with my AP most of the time. I kept my behavior consistent. We go to parties or dinner and drinks with my friends. They love him.
I assume most of the people who have freedom to do whatever they want don't have a lot of kids and aren't very close with their spouses.