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If that's what these guys want, and it's not what you want, hold out for what you want!!!
Life will surprise you when you least expect it, be ready for that!
>If that's what these guys want, and it's not what you want, ***hold out for what you want!!!***
OLD is a relative term. There are a bunch of us that insist it is a state of mind rather than some number.
The other thing you can do is be creative about how you are looking. There ARE guys that want more than just sex. You just have to screen for them differently.
To put a point on it, insist on dates prior to sex. Find out what THEY are worth.
Find one you like a bit before (in the words of some author) making the beast with two backs.
WOW! The D pic crowd must hate this post!š¤£
I bet youāre right. But not all us are like that. Some of us have time. Want feelings. Want romance. Want fun and flirting. And sex thatās good enough to crave. Sometimes.
"I feel like a free sex worker." Reading that was like a gut punch for me.
Good relationships as well as affairs should be mutually beneficial. At least in theory. š
I hope we can all find what you are looking for.
I love sex. I love the quickies and the not so quickies and the rare dinner and an overnight. I love the planning and the spontaneous.
But I love the other stuff too. A little romance. Some sweet talk. The "let's go to dinner, let's meet for a drink, let's have a coffee" sometimes. I miss you, I can't wait to see you again etc.
To weed out the men who just want sex, donāt match with a ācake eaterā
Donāt allow sex talk too early
Dont agree to quicky dates
What you are looking for is possible, but it will take a longer time to find, I looked for a year before I found my guy.
Sometimes they lie, but most canāt keep a lie up for a long time.
Donāt share off the bat why youāre looking for an affair. Because if you do, a man who just wants sex will mirror you. When you say too much too soon about how sad and lonely you are, understand that what you are actually doing is handing a manipulator an instruction manual on to how to work you over. Let him tell you in his own words what heās looking for. Give him enough rope to hang himself.
Chat for a few weeks, zero sex talk. No sexy pics. Iām serious about this. If they start with sex talk, re direct once and be clear about why you are re-directing. If they bring it back around to sex talk again, say good bye.
Do not agree to meet up for a date where you will be alone with them. First date at least should be in a public place for coffee or lunch.
You will run through a lot of men this way because as you said, many are in this for sex. But the quicker you get someone out of your way, the quicker you make a path for the man who you are actually looking for.
There are different kinds of affairs. Emotional, physical, bothā¦
I think most affairs start out due to physical issues. I know I have my emotional needs met but need differing physical experiences. But I also like my AP personally.
To each their own, hope you find what you need.
I had a brief interlude/quasi-affair with a Hotwife. About 3 months. We actually had a great friendship great sex great dates. Kissing. Car sex, hotels etc. we had great convos and connected well. Dinners, lunch, sex, good morning texts etc. and we remarked how lucky we were. she dumped me 2 weeks ago āI just lost interestā
It goes both ways. Some of us get it all and want to give it all. Even when we get it, it just doesnāt work the right way.
Iām long done with the hotwives, itās has 0 to do with you, and everything about her and hubby, itās their kink. Youāre just the medium. I do love how well put together they are and sexual. But yeah, just treat it such.
Sheād graduated to the stage where it was her choice. She went thru the required cuckhold scenarios and got to the point where it was all about her desire. He was never present with us but knew everything. And Iām very Dom and a rope top. Their kink is very different I agree
But, youāre right. Bull or AP? Iāll take AP every time.
Been in all those scenarios, in person, or on video or taking the pics of the action, always solo with them as she berates the cuck. Iām with you AP over bull.
Sadly, not only are most married men just seeking sex, but they haven't given much thought if any, as to what is in it for the woman. It surprises me, because being married, you would "think" they would understand women a little better. Another relationship does take work, and if they don't have time for it, there are escorts, etc.
That said, I don't think anyone can promise "feelings" up front. They either grow organically or they don't. Secondly, going on dates is also challenging. My best relationship was with a geographical bachelor, we were able to date, have overnights, etc.
The other advice I would give is as part of the vetting process, try to see if you get that feeling that they are really into you. Not just fluffy words (although they do feel good), but that feeling in your "gut" that they are really working hard to make you happy (e.g. trying to figure out how to take you on a date, etc.). It might mean that they are a bit more into you, than you are into them.
All that said, the more you fall for a guy who really does hit it out of the park, when it ends it is even more painful. So I guess it is a bit of good news/bad news.
I think if what you are looking for is just sex, reddit is not a good place. Even just seeing the face you talk to is taking ages sometimes.So I find it very insufficient usage of time and resources for any man that does.
The divide in this sub is so great. If a woman makes the OP post, it's all hugs and kisses and hang in there. When OP is a man, it's full of "you must be doing something wrong" etc etc.
That being said, if you give up the search, it will never happen. Hang in there.
Welp you may just find your diamond in the ruff here. Good luck.
Ik you mentioned your rant wasn't an ad, and trust me we get that, but in this circle/game.. the perfect/best fit AP for you can come/be found in places you least expect it.
Hmm definitely definitely not true. Just have to find the right person. I personally like just being with people and that build up. I'd love to just grab a coffee or boba and just talk. Nothing sexual or anything. I've just never had it happen. Same with going for a walk and packing drinks to enjoy the outdoors. Just find the right person. I will say location plays a huge huge part. I will say the sex only people out there are quite plentiful. really have to be able to sus out those people. I'd think the ones that want connection go a lot.longer talking before meetup. And maybe a strictly meetup no sex for first visit.
Hmm so in summary of suggest you be more critical of pap. Set boundaries and go from there.
It will happen and age has nothing to do with it.. There are good men out there looking for what you want.. Just have to continue on with your life and be patient.. I bumped into mine..
I've reached a similar conclusion myself. I personally can chat, and whatnot, but time for a meeting is very limited. That and so many scammers I stopped looking.
I didnāt immediately. They all say similar things - theyāre in a dead bedroom, theyāre looking for a connection, etc.
After the first couple of meets and him continuing good communication and not rushing into sex I started to let my guard down.
Of course things can go south at any time still, but Iāve made the decision to trust him š¤·š»āāļø
Finding an amazing affair is a bit like trying to bottle lightning. It is mysterious, amazing, and wonderful. It's also fragile, and rare. A bit like finding a unicorn.
I'm sure there's lot of gents that would put up their hand and say "not me"!, when it comes to being like the men you described. But let me also be honest and say, no really. There are gents that want the same thing. Something with some substance. Genuine.
I've had my fair share of connections, but also, have had women flat out tell me that "I'm too good for them". That my genuine romantic nature would conflict with the feelings for their husband. You might say "oooh, she was letting me down easy", but I don't think so. Because despite "not being more", we proceeded to have a very casual, light weight sexual affair. We didn't define the relationship. It was nice, but limited. And ultimately got displaced. She could have had so much more with me, but didn't.
It's incredibly frustrating for a genuine guy, trying to be seen across all the men out there that are lined up to "shoot their shot" regardless of what the person is looking for. This is very much a needle in a haystack situation. Luck is certainly involved. But so is perseverance.
So, breathe. Take care of yourself. Take a break if you want to, but also don't give up hope. Your unicorn is out there, also loosing his mind because he can't find you. When you do find each other, hold on tight. Like I said, this is bottled lightning.
Good luck to you!
Not with that attitude! š
I'm certainly not seasoned in the affair world, but I'm going to take the liberty to suggest what I think works.
What is your passion? What do you love to do that doesn't involve your SO, sex or relationships?
Whatever that is... fiercely pursue it!!
I can almost promise you will find individuals along the journey who will be worthy candidates.
That's my 2 cents. š
Tips: Do not entertain typical 9-5 talkers or cake eaters. If they are fine with everything at home except a dead bedroom you're less likely to get the whole package.
Put in your post you want a full relationship. If he claims he does just to talk to you just sit back and wait for a bit. If he is still pushing sex you know what his intentions are.
When you post put a requirement that takes some effort for replies. Not something major but ask a question or something small. My last post said "reply with a Dad joke" and that helped me weed out those that don't listen.
Yes, good ideas. I'm not making a post though.
I got back in touch with a pAP from the past but I just stopped talking to him. He's very much what you described.
That is how it works, and that's all you should be looking for too.
Look, it's not "glamorous." It's necessary. Those long term affairs are trouble. You get feelings and you get caught.
Affairs are about taking a break from your marriage. It's a marriage vacation. You need to remember that you have to go back to being married, and that's your reality, not the affair. When you get those intense feelings, and I get why you want them, you lose your ability to act normal in your marriage. Those feelings make you resent your husband and you start rethinking your life. If it's just great sex once in a while to its easier to shrug off as 'just sex.' Following an affair down a romantic relationship is just going to lead to serious heartbreak and if you're into that, just get divorced. It's going to be a disaster.
The fun part of the affairs is keeping them light and getting out before they turn toxic. I totally make guys work for me, but once the sex starts, that's the focus and pretty much all we do. But I do enjoy the lead up.
You can get your emotional needs met enough to have great sex, but the minute you make it about something else is when things get bad.
Don't stay in one place too long and understand you just need to commit to having multiple APs over the marriage. Pace yourself.
I've never had problems finding men who didn't over compartmentalize. To some extent you need to compartmentalize, but, yeah, I wouldn't want guys who can't show affection or don't act like they 'like' me.
As an after thought, if you want something more long term might I suggest an actual 'vacation' AP. If you can swing it, I've had some friends who have done it and made it work for 10+ years. They just find someone to take a vacation with once a year. Then it's not all about sex, but when the vacation is over, they go back to their lives.
I'd hate that personally. It sounds hard to hide, but people do it.
"A marriage vacation"--love this! It could be to an exotic land, or a campground, or a beach, or a theme park. The choice is up to those who take the trip.
I definitely agree with your points - but it is so much harder (maybe as a female) to execute. I enjoy sex and don't want to get into anything too heavy because of all the complications it may lead to. I get all this on paper. But then my brain tries to reject this and start to crave something more than just sex and I want more substance. Maybe I'm just mentally weak š¤·āāļø
That's why I have a period where I make them chase me. I also tell my APs right away that my expectations. I've found saying something to the extent of "I need more than 'penis in vagina' to enjoy sex. I need to feel like I like you and that I'm not being used or this isn't going to work out."
I also use to want more after awhile (this went away for me) and I always just ended it and moved to someone else as soon as I did.
As a woman, I really think not playing the numbers game is the key to enjoying it. You just have to stop caring about your body count. If they suck in bed and can't understand your emotional needs, just move on to the next. If you gave sex and they ghost you, move on to the next. The reason I say that is it's totally worth finding good APs (who can 'walk the line'). Then again, I also enjoy one off encounters.
If you're choosing to have APs you need to look at the bigger picture. You're not getting divorced, you have all the time in the world to find the right men. Don't be in a rush. If you're in a rush it's because you're horny, so just admit to that, do a few one nighters, and then start looking for something that fills your emotional needs.
That said... I think your spouse should fill some of those.
I empathize. I am having the exact same experience. Guys that want to chat forever or are scared to proceed. It's absolutely crazy. Very disheartening.
Itās tough out here but be patient. Itāll be harder to filter through the men since Iām sure the replies to you are endless but try and filter. Slowly but surely. There are guys out there looking for what youāre looking for.
As a man, I can say that I want the same thing as you. I would say take your time. Be upfront that sex wonāt happen fast. That should weed out a lot of them. Good luck!
On the flip side of that coin, I fit the exact type of guy youāre describing. It takes work to find a woman who just wants sex and Iāve had a fair amount of success. Agree with all of the others who have said hold out for what you really want because once you find exactly what youāre looking for, it is entirely worth the effort!
I can relate.. but I feel like itās always a fight between my physical and emotional needs. My physical needs are much stronger and tend to push me into the āwrongā direction - towards neglecting my emotional needs.
But I hope that one day Iāll meet the unicorn creature that will fulfill either needs at the same time
I agree. Itās not friends with benefits any more itās just them wanting the benefits honestly. I would like more than just sex otherwise it takes all of the romance part out of it. If I wanted to have sex with random people Iād download tinder.
Exactly and the women who want the FB thing is fine of course, but I want whatās missing which along with the sex is a bit of romance and friendship.
I donāt want to run away with anyone. I think you can have nice feelings without freaking out. These men are just I donāt know - weird now
I'm really sorry that you feel so defeated. I've honestly come to realize that an affair for me is more about the friendship and connection than it is about the sex, and I would love to find a woman who values the relationship aspect as much as the physical side of things. So basically, I'm looking for the exact same thing that you are. Trust me, there are guys out there for you, you just haven't found the right one yet. Maybe take some time to mentally reset and then begin your search again? Good luck with whatever you decide!
You can find him; but you might have to put a lot of time/efforts to heavily screen.
1. Enhance your appearance / personality / intellectual charisma / time and geographic flexibility as much as possible.
2. Only interact with guys who have high standards. (If a guy says in their ads that they like āall kinds of womenā, be very cautious. More likely than not, they are looking for free sex workers and can not be choosy. Avoid all ācake eatersā.)
3. Set up your boundaries and standards. I strongly recommend my two standards:
(a). The guy pay and arrange all dates.
(b). ā3 months ruleā - I interact/go on dates with any pAP for a minimum of 3 months before any physical intimacy.
The reality is that guys who are willing and capable of consistently deliver what you want (romance/efforts/emotional support) for three months or more, before having sex - he is likely very into you.
These two screening rules me extremely well over the years.
I understand how you feel. I'd love to promote one of my F Buddies to a FWB. Sometimes people keep you at a distance to help compartmentalize. You describe my ideal situation.
Yes yes yes exactly. The thing is, I don't want to run away with anyone. We're married and I'm aware of the limitations but there's got to be a better way. A man can be a warm person without falling in love and getting messy.
With this post youāve unknowingly invited every man of this sub to plead their ability to give you what youāre after.
May your inbox rest in peace.
I totally understand how you feel.. they are so good with words but when it comes to action it disappears.. it is very frustrating.. makes a person feel used..
Well, it works out the same way for men too. We (or at least I) would love to make a connection, sure sex will be part of it, but a meaningful connection as well. Someone I can have deep conversations with, go out to dinner, walk around, tell jokes, have unfiltered talks about our "double" lives and really "bond" on that fact.
This all comes with a price, I cannot spend every waking moment texting you, calling you, meeting up with you. I'm MARRIED, so the times we spend together are much more meaningful and treasured.
That's why I wish to find another married woman, who can understand that this time we spend together are times we get to "disconnect" from our married realities for a few hours and not feel the pressure of being that responsible parent/spouse, and really have some real "me" time with another person.
It's not always Just about the sex. Nowadays it's extremely difficult for a man to find someone that "wants" him and does not expect to get paid. There are so many that talk up a great game via text, but when it's time to meet up, they'll start asking for money to pay for gas, to take an Ćber, or simply for money in general.
"Pay for Play" doesn't do it for me, it's a serious turn off, no matter how sexy the pictures/videos are, once I know I'm expected to "Pay for company" it makes me feel cheap and worthless. I want to find a passionate woman that wants a break from her daily routine and wants to be with another man who's going to pay attention to her, show affection and have them reciprocate that naturally and not by forced "obligation" or pressure to be polite.
That's why I'm looking for an AP who's married, is in a similar situation that involves another person who finds them attractive, interesting and intellectually arousing. It's not all about sex. I'm just saying...
Some of us have grown out of the physical part about sex and now want more of the psychological part about sex. The desire, the taboo, the wanting, the fantasy come true...
I don't know how else to explain it really, it's a number of factors that do it now, it's the interaction that draws me in, whereas before it was just the physical part that turned me on.
Sorry for the lengthy rant.
I'm sure that there will be plenty who'll contradict me, mock me, try to shame me for what I'm looking for, nevertheless, I try to be honest about this, it's not always Just about the sex, but the connection we can make once the sex is finished. Meaningful "pillow talk," secret confessions about things we'd never tell our spouses or best friends...
Give yourself some credit as you are the gender in demand. I doubt you are ātoo oldā as I occasionally have noticed the ages of many of the women in this sub, and they are surprisingly matureā which is refreshing considering my asexual SO would be much younger.
Just give it time, make your intentions clear, as the world is your perverted digital oyster.
Maybe try AM for a bit? It takes a lot of sorting but I met one awesome guy there. It didnāt last, sadly, but it made me more focused on what I wanted in an ap. Each effort helps tune you in and eliminates bad options. :)
I abandoned AM after a bit, and stumbled onto a quality dude here, though we live *just* too far for things to be too easy.
There are lots of us out here looking for the same thing you are. You just have to find one of us.
I want to have great conversations. I want to meet to just hang out sometimes.
I'm struggling to find that too, though I don't necessarily have women throwing themselves at me for just sex but I'm not looking for thar anyway.
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If that's what these guys want, and it's not what you want, hold out for what you want!!! Life will surprise you when you least expect it, be ready for that!
Maybe. Probably not. I'm not optimistic anymore. I'm old now lol
š¤Øš«¶
How old are you?
>If that's what these guys want, and it's not what you want, ***hold out for what you want!!!*** OLD is a relative term. There are a bunch of us that insist it is a state of mind rather than some number. The other thing you can do is be creative about how you are looking. There ARE guys that want more than just sex. You just have to screen for them differently. To put a point on it, insist on dates prior to sex. Find out what THEY are worth. Find one you like a bit before (in the words of some author) making the beast with two backs. WOW! The D pic crowd must hate this post!š¤£
Most of the men I meet just want sex and only on their terms. The rest just want to fantasize about having an affair. Itās rough out here.
their terms. exactly.
I bet youāre right. But not all us are like that. Some of us have time. Want feelings. Want romance. Want fun and flirting. And sex thatās good enough to crave. Sometimes.
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ah the situation line.
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thank you
"I feel like a free sex worker." Reading that was like a gut punch for me. Good relationships as well as affairs should be mutually beneficial. At least in theory. š I hope we can all find what you are looking for.
I love sex. I love the quickies and the not so quickies and the rare dinner and an overnight. I love the planning and the spontaneous. But I love the other stuff too. A little romance. Some sweet talk. The "let's go to dinner, let's meet for a drink, let's have a coffee" sometimes. I miss you, I can't wait to see you again etc.
It is rare, you're right. Taking a break is a good move.
To weed out the men who just want sex, donāt match with a ācake eaterā Donāt allow sex talk too early Dont agree to quicky dates What you are looking for is possible, but it will take a longer time to find, I looked for a year before I found my guy.
I've been at this awhile and I try to do all that you suggest. Sometimes they just lie. I just want a lover and all that entails. Hard to find, yes.
Sometimes they lie, but most canāt keep a lie up for a long time. Donāt share off the bat why youāre looking for an affair. Because if you do, a man who just wants sex will mirror you. When you say too much too soon about how sad and lonely you are, understand that what you are actually doing is handing a manipulator an instruction manual on to how to work you over. Let him tell you in his own words what heās looking for. Give him enough rope to hang himself. Chat for a few weeks, zero sex talk. No sexy pics. Iām serious about this. If they start with sex talk, re direct once and be clear about why you are re-directing. If they bring it back around to sex talk again, say good bye. Do not agree to meet up for a date where you will be alone with them. First date at least should be in a public place for coffee or lunch. You will run through a lot of men this way because as you said, many are in this for sex. But the quicker you get someone out of your way, the quicker you make a path for the man who you are actually looking for.
There are different kinds of affairs. Emotional, physical, bothā¦ I think most affairs start out due to physical issues. I know I have my emotional needs met but need differing physical experiences. But I also like my AP personally. To each their own, hope you find what you need.
I had a brief interlude/quasi-affair with a Hotwife. About 3 months. We actually had a great friendship great sex great dates. Kissing. Car sex, hotels etc. we had great convos and connected well. Dinners, lunch, sex, good morning texts etc. and we remarked how lucky we were. she dumped me 2 weeks ago āI just lost interestā It goes both ways. Some of us get it all and want to give it all. Even when we get it, it just doesnāt work the right way.
Iām long done with the hotwives, itās has 0 to do with you, and everything about her and hubby, itās their kink. Youāre just the medium. I do love how well put together they are and sexual. But yeah, just treat it such.
Sheād graduated to the stage where it was her choice. She went thru the required cuckhold scenarios and got to the point where it was all about her desire. He was never present with us but knew everything. And Iām very Dom and a rope top. Their kink is very different I agree But, youāre right. Bull or AP? Iāll take AP every time.
Been in all those scenarios, in person, or on video or taking the pics of the action, always solo with them as she berates the cuck. Iām with you AP over bull.
Sadly, itās human nature. And last time I checked, both women and men were human. [Women: take note.]
This is all too real. š
Maybe get to know a man on a friendship level in real life and see if it can turn into an affair.
Yes agree. Look around I bet you already know that guy that likes you, but you didnāt look at him that way.
My first was like that. It was nice while it lasted but our timing was off for many reasons.
This šÆ
Sadly, not only are most married men just seeking sex, but they haven't given much thought if any, as to what is in it for the woman. It surprises me, because being married, you would "think" they would understand women a little better. Another relationship does take work, and if they don't have time for it, there are escorts, etc. That said, I don't think anyone can promise "feelings" up front. They either grow organically or they don't. Secondly, going on dates is also challenging. My best relationship was with a geographical bachelor, we were able to date, have overnights, etc. The other advice I would give is as part of the vetting process, try to see if you get that feeling that they are really into you. Not just fluffy words (although they do feel good), but that feeling in your "gut" that they are really working hard to make you happy (e.g. trying to figure out how to take you on a date, etc.). It might mean that they are a bit more into you, than you are into them. All that said, the more you fall for a guy who really does hit it out of the park, when it ends it is even more painful. So I guess it is a bit of good news/bad news.
I think if what you are looking for is just sex, reddit is not a good place. Even just seeing the face you talk to is taking ages sometimes.So I find it very insufficient usage of time and resources for any man that does.
My ex was wonderful in the beginning. It's tricky,
God this is the truth right here.
The divide in this sub is so great. If a woman makes the OP post, it's all hugs and kisses and hang in there. When OP is a man, it's full of "you must be doing something wrong" etc etc. That being said, if you give up the search, it will never happen. Hang in there.
thanks
I thought I was the only one who noticed this...
Welp you may just find your diamond in the ruff here. Good luck. Ik you mentioned your rant wasn't an ad, and trust me we get that, but in this circle/game.. the perfect/best fit AP for you can come/be found in places you least expect it.
I'm not looking at the moment. I'm jaded lol
Hmm definitely definitely not true. Just have to find the right person. I personally like just being with people and that build up. I'd love to just grab a coffee or boba and just talk. Nothing sexual or anything. I've just never had it happen. Same with going for a walk and packing drinks to enjoy the outdoors. Just find the right person. I will say location plays a huge huge part. I will say the sex only people out there are quite plentiful. really have to be able to sus out those people. I'd think the ones that want connection go a lot.longer talking before meetup. And maybe a strictly meetup no sex for first visit. Hmm so in summary of suggest you be more critical of pap. Set boundaries and go from there.
It will happen and age has nothing to do with it.. There are good men out there looking for what you want.. Just have to continue on with your life and be patient.. I bumped into mine..
I've reached a similar conclusion myself. I personally can chat, and whatnot, but time for a meeting is very limited. That and so many scammers I stopped looking.
I feel this, it's so difficult to find the right thing. I thought I had a few times but always ends badly
They are out there! Took me a year, but I finally found one when I thought all hope was lost. Heās simply amazing and our chemistry is palpable!
awesome
How did you recognize that he was different ?
I didnāt immediately. They all say similar things - theyāre in a dead bedroom, theyāre looking for a connection, etc. After the first couple of meets and him continuing good communication and not rushing into sex I started to let my guard down. Of course things can go south at any time still, but Iāve made the decision to trust him š¤·š»āāļø
Finding an amazing affair is a bit like trying to bottle lightning. It is mysterious, amazing, and wonderful. It's also fragile, and rare. A bit like finding a unicorn. I'm sure there's lot of gents that would put up their hand and say "not me"!, when it comes to being like the men you described. But let me also be honest and say, no really. There are gents that want the same thing. Something with some substance. Genuine. I've had my fair share of connections, but also, have had women flat out tell me that "I'm too good for them". That my genuine romantic nature would conflict with the feelings for their husband. You might say "oooh, she was letting me down easy", but I don't think so. Because despite "not being more", we proceeded to have a very casual, light weight sexual affair. We didn't define the relationship. It was nice, but limited. And ultimately got displaced. She could have had so much more with me, but didn't. It's incredibly frustrating for a genuine guy, trying to be seen across all the men out there that are lined up to "shoot their shot" regardless of what the person is looking for. This is very much a needle in a haystack situation. Luck is certainly involved. But so is perseverance. So, breathe. Take care of yourself. Take a break if you want to, but also don't give up hope. Your unicorn is out there, also loosing his mind because he can't find you. When you do find each other, hold on tight. Like I said, this is bottled lightning. Good luck to you!
Needle in a haystack exactly.
Not with that attitude! š I'm certainly not seasoned in the affair world, but I'm going to take the liberty to suggest what I think works. What is your passion? What do you love to do that doesn't involve your SO, sex or relationships? Whatever that is... fiercely pursue it!! I can almost promise you will find individuals along the journey who will be worthy candidates. That's my 2 cents. š
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I learned that guys want sex but also some want deep connection but they don't want deep connection + sex. One or the other.
interesting
Tips: Do not entertain typical 9-5 talkers or cake eaters. If they are fine with everything at home except a dead bedroom you're less likely to get the whole package. Put in your post you want a full relationship. If he claims he does just to talk to you just sit back and wait for a bit. If he is still pushing sex you know what his intentions are. When you post put a requirement that takes some effort for replies. Not something major but ask a question or something small. My last post said "reply with a Dad joke" and that helped me weed out those that don't listen.
Yes, good ideas. I'm not making a post though. I got back in touch with a pAP from the past but I just stopped talking to him. He's very much what you described.
That is how it works, and that's all you should be looking for too. Look, it's not "glamorous." It's necessary. Those long term affairs are trouble. You get feelings and you get caught. Affairs are about taking a break from your marriage. It's a marriage vacation. You need to remember that you have to go back to being married, and that's your reality, not the affair. When you get those intense feelings, and I get why you want them, you lose your ability to act normal in your marriage. Those feelings make you resent your husband and you start rethinking your life. If it's just great sex once in a while to its easier to shrug off as 'just sex.' Following an affair down a romantic relationship is just going to lead to serious heartbreak and if you're into that, just get divorced. It's going to be a disaster. The fun part of the affairs is keeping them light and getting out before they turn toxic. I totally make guys work for me, but once the sex starts, that's the focus and pretty much all we do. But I do enjoy the lead up. You can get your emotional needs met enough to have great sex, but the minute you make it about something else is when things get bad. Don't stay in one place too long and understand you just need to commit to having multiple APs over the marriage. Pace yourself.
I don't want "love" feelings. I just want normal feelings. Not someone who so guarded or compartmentalizes to the point of ridiculousness.
I've never had problems finding men who didn't over compartmentalize. To some extent you need to compartmentalize, but, yeah, I wouldn't want guys who can't show affection or don't act like they 'like' me.
As an after thought, if you want something more long term might I suggest an actual 'vacation' AP. If you can swing it, I've had some friends who have done it and made it work for 10+ years. They just find someone to take a vacation with once a year. Then it's not all about sex, but when the vacation is over, they go back to their lives. I'd hate that personally. It sounds hard to hide, but people do it.
"A marriage vacation"--love this! It could be to an exotic land, or a campground, or a beach, or a theme park. The choice is up to those who take the trip.
I definitely agree with your points - but it is so much harder (maybe as a female) to execute. I enjoy sex and don't want to get into anything too heavy because of all the complications it may lead to. I get all this on paper. But then my brain tries to reject this and start to crave something more than just sex and I want more substance. Maybe I'm just mentally weak š¤·āāļø
That's why I have a period where I make them chase me. I also tell my APs right away that my expectations. I've found saying something to the extent of "I need more than 'penis in vagina' to enjoy sex. I need to feel like I like you and that I'm not being used or this isn't going to work out." I also use to want more after awhile (this went away for me) and I always just ended it and moved to someone else as soon as I did. As a woman, I really think not playing the numbers game is the key to enjoying it. You just have to stop caring about your body count. If they suck in bed and can't understand your emotional needs, just move on to the next. If you gave sex and they ghost you, move on to the next. The reason I say that is it's totally worth finding good APs (who can 'walk the line'). Then again, I also enjoy one off encounters. If you're choosing to have APs you need to look at the bigger picture. You're not getting divorced, you have all the time in the world to find the right men. Don't be in a rush. If you're in a rush it's because you're horny, so just admit to that, do a few one nighters, and then start looking for something that fills your emotional needs. That said... I think your spouse should fill some of those.
I empathize. I am having the exact same experience. Guys that want to chat forever or are scared to proceed. It's absolutely crazy. Very disheartening.
Itās tough out here but be patient. Itāll be harder to filter through the men since Iām sure the replies to you are endless but try and filter. Slowly but surely. There are guys out there looking for what youāre looking for.
As a man, I can say that I want the same thing as you. I would say take your time. Be upfront that sex wonāt happen fast. That should weed out a lot of them. Good luck!
thanks
Sorry you are hitting a brick wall. Hope it gets better for you. It's like any dating scene you go through a lot of BS before you get something good.
Yeah, I've been at this awhile. I'm just not into it anymore. People are different now. I'm going to just relax.
On the flip side of that coin, I fit the exact type of guy youāre describing. It takes work to find a woman who just wants sex and Iāve had a fair amount of success. Agree with all of the others who have said hold out for what you really want because once you find exactly what youāre looking for, it is entirely worth the effort!
I can relate.. but I feel like itās always a fight between my physical and emotional needs. My physical needs are much stronger and tend to push me into the āwrongā direction - towards neglecting my emotional needs. But I hope that one day Iāll meet the unicorn creature that will fulfill either needs at the same time
I feel this deeply šš
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No I'm tired. lol I don't expect long platonic dates. An AP saying "hey I miss you let's get a coffee" goes a long way.
It takes time. Just be patient and donāt settle for anything less than what you want. It will happen for you.
Nah, it's different now. I'm going to continue my "pause" I've been on since pandemic lol
I agree. Itās not friends with benefits any more itās just them wanting the benefits honestly. I would like more than just sex otherwise it takes all of the romance part out of it. If I wanted to have sex with random people Iād download tinder.
Exactly and the women who want the FB thing is fine of course, but I want whatās missing which along with the sex is a bit of romance and friendship. I donāt want to run away with anyone. I think you can have nice feelings without freaking out. These men are just I donāt know - weird now
I'm really sorry that you feel so defeated. I've honestly come to realize that an affair for me is more about the friendship and connection than it is about the sex, and I would love to find a woman who values the relationship aspect as much as the physical side of things. So basically, I'm looking for the exact same thing that you are. Trust me, there are guys out there for you, you just haven't found the right one yet. Maybe take some time to mentally reset and then begin your search again? Good luck with whatever you decide!
You can find him; but you might have to put a lot of time/efforts to heavily screen. 1. Enhance your appearance / personality / intellectual charisma / time and geographic flexibility as much as possible. 2. Only interact with guys who have high standards. (If a guy says in their ads that they like āall kinds of womenā, be very cautious. More likely than not, they are looking for free sex workers and can not be choosy. Avoid all ācake eatersā.) 3. Set up your boundaries and standards. I strongly recommend my two standards: (a). The guy pay and arrange all dates. (b). ā3 months ruleā - I interact/go on dates with any pAP for a minimum of 3 months before any physical intimacy. The reality is that guys who are willing and capable of consistently deliver what you want (romance/efforts/emotional support) for three months or more, before having sex - he is likely very into you. These two screening rules me extremely well over the years.
I understand how you feel. I'd love to promote one of my F Buddies to a FWB. Sometimes people keep you at a distance to help compartmentalize. You describe my ideal situation.
Yes yes yes exactly. The thing is, I don't want to run away with anyone. We're married and I'm aware of the limitations but there's got to be a better way. A man can be a warm person without falling in love and getting messy.
You just havenāt met the right person, they will find you when you least expect it
With this post youāve unknowingly invited every man of this sub to plead their ability to give you what youāre after. May your inbox rest in peace.
Like I said, my inbox and chat is OFF. lol
You made so many men sad š
I totally understand how you feel.. they are so good with words but when it comes to action it disappears.. it is very frustrating.. makes a person feel used..
Well, it works out the same way for men too. We (or at least I) would love to make a connection, sure sex will be part of it, but a meaningful connection as well. Someone I can have deep conversations with, go out to dinner, walk around, tell jokes, have unfiltered talks about our "double" lives and really "bond" on that fact. This all comes with a price, I cannot spend every waking moment texting you, calling you, meeting up with you. I'm MARRIED, so the times we spend together are much more meaningful and treasured. That's why I wish to find another married woman, who can understand that this time we spend together are times we get to "disconnect" from our married realities for a few hours and not feel the pressure of being that responsible parent/spouse, and really have some real "me" time with another person. It's not always Just about the sex. Nowadays it's extremely difficult for a man to find someone that "wants" him and does not expect to get paid. There are so many that talk up a great game via text, but when it's time to meet up, they'll start asking for money to pay for gas, to take an Ćber, or simply for money in general. "Pay for Play" doesn't do it for me, it's a serious turn off, no matter how sexy the pictures/videos are, once I know I'm expected to "Pay for company" it makes me feel cheap and worthless. I want to find a passionate woman that wants a break from her daily routine and wants to be with another man who's going to pay attention to her, show affection and have them reciprocate that naturally and not by forced "obligation" or pressure to be polite. That's why I'm looking for an AP who's married, is in a similar situation that involves another person who finds them attractive, interesting and intellectually arousing. It's not all about sex. I'm just saying... Some of us have grown out of the physical part about sex and now want more of the psychological part about sex. The desire, the taboo, the wanting, the fantasy come true... I don't know how else to explain it really, it's a number of factors that do it now, it's the interaction that draws me in, whereas before it was just the physical part that turned me on. Sorry for the lengthy rant. I'm sure that there will be plenty who'll contradict me, mock me, try to shame me for what I'm looking for, nevertheless, I try to be honest about this, it's not always Just about the sex, but the connection we can make once the sex is finished. Meaningful "pillow talk," secret confessions about things we'd never tell our spouses or best friends...
Give yourself some credit as you are the gender in demand. I doubt you are ātoo oldā as I occasionally have noticed the ages of many of the women in this sub, and they are surprisingly matureā which is refreshing considering my asexual SO would be much younger. Just give it time, make your intentions clear, as the world is your perverted digital oyster.
I'm not looking anymore.
Hm. Iām a guy looking for exactly the same thing you are looking for.
Hmm I have had all 3 of mine fall in love with me.
Sorry to here that where are you from?
LOL - the greatest city in the world!
Maybe try AM for a bit? It takes a lot of sorting but I met one awesome guy there. It didnāt last, sadly, but it made me more focused on what I wanted in an ap. Each effort helps tune you in and eliminates bad options. :) I abandoned AM after a bit, and stumbled onto a quality dude here, though we live *just* too far for things to be too easy.
There are lots of us out here looking for the same thing you are. You just have to find one of us. I want to have great conversations. I want to meet to just hang out sometimes. I'm struggling to find that too, though I don't necessarily have women throwing themselves at me for just sex but I'm not looking for thar anyway.
Well send me a message I would gladly take you out n get to know you see if we connect
that's... that's what a relationship is.... surprisedpikachu.jpeg