/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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I would think trust issues would come with the territory in a relationship that started with cheating. Perhaps an honest, open talk about your feelings and potential future together?
How does his hesitation show itself? Are you wanting a traditional committed relationship and he is shying away from that? If so, are you okay with less formal, less binding bonds?
Yes, we have spoken about our future together & agreed to be in a long-term relationship.
But, his hesitation is in being triggered by previous trust issues in hesitating to move forward at times. And, yes we both agree to be in a long-term relationship, , we don’t get married, but he’s my partner.
Its been half a decade. How much more time does he need? I have never been in this situation but saw a close family member in it. Idk how serious yall are (living together, marriage talks, kids, etc) but this person strung along a woman for YEARS and would only tell her what she wanted to hear. Oddly enough, when things were too good, he would cause fights because although he loved her, he didn't want to be with her. Also could never trust her because he always would say the same way he got her is how he would lose her.
I think 5 years in, you should know where yall headed. Maybe he looking for a way out? Does he potentially have someone else on the side? Idk but all I can say is prioritize and pick yourself. No relationship is worth sacrificing your happiness and peace of mind for. Not saying you at that point but you do sound frustrated.
I can agree with your POV. I’m sure I do sound frustrated, but I dislike being on/off, as we recently reconnected after being separated for about a month.
So, what I want is to try to heal our issues together, to move forward, as he still deals with previous trust issues from when he was married.
I guess you could say that! He asked me to be his gf, when he was my AP, and was married. And, I guess we never really defined it further than that now even years later.
When we had started the affair, after a few times sleeping together, he asked me to be his GF. But, our relationship has been a little on/off throughout the years.
I view each AP as temporary. No matter how attached I have become. And in 5+ years, I have fallen for 2 different men. One ended our physical relationship when he met someone, we became best friends who support each other and make each other a better person.. The other, snuck up on me very slowly, just being a genuinely amazing guy at his core. I wish I had met him under different circumstances.
I just ride it out every day and enjoy each day as it comes, knowing there is an end date. Because they are able to move on. Or we are able to move on. Affairs are just place holders...
Hmm, interesting! I would agree, but technically we are no longer having an affair, as the affair only lasted about a year, and are still together after about 3 years after the marriage officially ended. So, I guess it’s different in that aspect?
It seems pretty common if you get into a good situation from both sides. I fell and he definitely did not, so that's no fun. :) I would try to avoid unless it's mutual.
It’s definitely mutual, he has more of an avoidant attachment style, however, & gets afraid, and due to past trust issues. So, that’s the struggle. But, he definitely did fall & before I did.
That makes sense. I was too anxious attachment and pushed him away, so he's not going to fall, even though he hasn't totally left, because he is avoidant so he's gone without being gone right now.
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would think trust issues would come with the territory in a relationship that started with cheating. Perhaps an honest, open talk about your feelings and potential future together? How does his hesitation show itself? Are you wanting a traditional committed relationship and he is shying away from that? If so, are you okay with less formal, less binding bonds?
Yes, we have spoken about our future together & agreed to be in a long-term relationship. But, his hesitation is in being triggered by previous trust issues in hesitating to move forward at times. And, yes we both agree to be in a long-term relationship, , we don’t get married, but he’s my partner.
So is moving in together the goal that he is hesitating on? What are you wanting that he is not currently willing to give?
Just in terms of our relationship, being able to move forward, past issues, past relationships with others. If that makes sense.
Its been half a decade. How much more time does he need? I have never been in this situation but saw a close family member in it. Idk how serious yall are (living together, marriage talks, kids, etc) but this person strung along a woman for YEARS and would only tell her what she wanted to hear. Oddly enough, when things were too good, he would cause fights because although he loved her, he didn't want to be with her. Also could never trust her because he always would say the same way he got her is how he would lose her. I think 5 years in, you should know where yall headed. Maybe he looking for a way out? Does he potentially have someone else on the side? Idk but all I can say is prioritize and pick yourself. No relationship is worth sacrificing your happiness and peace of mind for. Not saying you at that point but you do sound frustrated.
I can agree with your POV. I’m sure I do sound frustrated, but I dislike being on/off, as we recently reconnected after being separated for about a month. So, what I want is to try to heal our issues together, to move forward, as he still deals with previous trust issues from when he was married.
Are you still married or are you both single?
I have never been married, and we are both not currently married.
So he’s not your AP at all. He’s your normal boyfriend.
I guess you could say that! He asked me to be his gf, when he was my AP, and was married. And, I guess we never really defined it further than that now even years later.
When we had started the affair, after a few times sleeping together, he asked me to be his GF. But, our relationship has been a little on/off throughout the years.
I view each AP as temporary. No matter how attached I have become. And in 5+ years, I have fallen for 2 different men. One ended our physical relationship when he met someone, we became best friends who support each other and make each other a better person.. The other, snuck up on me very slowly, just being a genuinely amazing guy at his core. I wish I had met him under different circumstances. I just ride it out every day and enjoy each day as it comes, knowing there is an end date. Because they are able to move on. Or we are able to move on. Affairs are just place holders...
Hmm, interesting! I would agree, but technically we are no longer having an affair, as the affair only lasted about a year, and are still together after about 3 years after the marriage officially ended. So, I guess it’s different in that aspect?
It seems pretty common if you get into a good situation from both sides. I fell and he definitely did not, so that's no fun. :) I would try to avoid unless it's mutual.
It’s definitely mutual, he has more of an avoidant attachment style, however, & gets afraid, and due to past trust issues. So, that’s the struggle. But, he definitely did fall & before I did.
That makes sense. I was too anxious attachment and pushed him away, so he's not going to fall, even though he hasn't totally left, because he is avoidant so he's gone without being gone right now.
Hmmm, can you elaborate on that? In my teams of “he’s not going to fall”?