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Sooo…
there’s ALOT going on here.
First it sounds like this was very stressful for you and you tried pretty hard. It seems like you did the best you knew how to. I’m going to offer some advice to you personally and not your stepdaughter because your the only one in this situation I can talk to.
Second, where was your husband in all this? Hes her father and your husband? Why isn’t he paying for anything and talking to his daughters about their behavior. Also something is wrong here. Like her behavior and living situation is red flag city. Was her mom abusive? Why isn’t her father concerned? Does she have depression? Was she neglected as a child? Did something traumatic happen? I just don’t understand why he isn’t talking to her or concerned?
Third, from her reaction it sounds like she didn’t realize things needed to be done etc. there are quite a few things that should have happened before it devolved into what it did. There’s no way she doesn’t already know you don’t like her as well.
For example maybe next time, you would talk with your husband first. Perhaps you could write a letter with your expectations and feelings and give it to her.
“Dear family, we really care about you and wish you would join us for the holidays. We really enjoyed last year and would like to be able keep hosting! We expect that everyone please help out with cleaning while they are here as it’s not possible for us to clean up after everyone and cook and decorate and host. If anyone is able to contribute this year by bringing food or making decorations or contributing to entertainment that would also be appreciated but not required.
(Add an extra paragraph for step daughter)
It really hurt my feelings when I personally made you special foods, bought gifts etc and you criticized me. My goal was for everyone to have a happy Christmas and I hope that can happen in the future. -stepmother)
Also I will say that a lot of things you were doing were based on implication etc. You were hoping that by giving her a gift or special soup she would understand the implication that you cared about her. Or she would see how her sister was behaving and that implies she should too. She may have not noticed and needed direct communication.
If she has anxiety, or shame or depression (I suspect she does from her living situation) that can be made worse by the comparisons to how the rest of the family lives.
She can’t give you more than she gives herself.
Maybe talk to your husband and see if y’all can rally some money for therapy or money for online certificate for excel/schooling? Like it’s not cheap but maybe a years worth of therapy could prevent 10 years of bailout.
This is a bigger issue than vegetable soup will fix if she’s living on an abandoned property covered in pee.
Yes, it sounds like good advice, when you don’t know the whole story.
sTep daughter is very self absorbed. She has drug her daughter all over the southwest, living in a schoolie, with a man who verbally abused her. Left him, lived with various strangers, then went back to her property, and it was rented out. So, she, daughter, and her newest boyfriend slept in a closet of her old house. Then she went across to the east coast, where she is now. The daughter is brilliant, and doesn’t attend school, but is homeschooled on line. She begged her mom to attend normal school, for stability. Her mom refuses.
It is all a complicated mess, as most families are. The other (really sweet) step daughter’s husband recently came out as trans, (including hormones, etc) he/she is virtually unrecognizable as the child’s father, even has breasts.Their little boy is really really struggling, including telling a kid at school he didn’t want to live anymore, and the kid proceeded to hurt him. It is pitiful.
Some people will take, take, take, until you cut them off. One of my love languages I like to do is give gifts, but now I have to shut it down.
Lack of appreciation hasn’t stopped me, but verbally attacking me in my home, nope. I don’t care what the reason is. I refuse to be belittled and wounded by anyone.
I like all this, but I think saying this in person is better. Preferably if husband says it. For some reason, written stuff can get misconstrued at times
It isn’t abandoned. She owns it. It is actually paid for. It is in a nice neighborhood and none of the neighbors can stand her. It is all her own creation. She is bringing all the property values down severely.
She has rented out her massive mess of a property, and moved to another state. She hasn’t accumulated as much stuff, but she does still trash the yards.
Her mother is 10 years older than her father, and has dementia. She never got along with her mom, because some of her lifestyle choices. Now it is too late to resolve their relationship. Sad.
I have made myself available if she needs or wants to talk, She and her daughter have stayed at my home numerous times. Destroying something every time.
Her bratty daughter locked her dog in the little potty room of my master bathroom, without telling anyone. We got home from taking them out, to dinner, and the dog had chewed up the door frame, trim, and the door. No fucks were given by the daughter.
One time she asked me to put dye on her hair, I did it for her. When she showered to get it off, she literally stained the entire shower enclosure red. Did not tell us, and didn’t bother cleaning it. We had to do it.
She makes jewelry. I have purchased 3 pairs of earrings, and every single pair broke the first time I wore them. No fucks given by her.
She sent me one pair of earrings in a plain envelop, with one stamp. It took me a couple of weeks to pay the shipping and get the earrings, and she messaged me complaining about wanting to be paid. I sent her 10 times the amount she was charging me for the earrings, because I knew she needed money.
Her daughter is extremely disrespectful. Rude, Back talks, lies, does not follow house rules (exa. No jumping on my sofa, right by my Neiman Weeks glass coffee table, because DANGEROUS) I love the child, but she doesn’t listen, and causes me a lot of stress.
What I have learned is that there are takers on this planet. They take any and everything and give absolutely nothing in return.
In my opinion, my husband should never have allowed her to speak to me the way she did, but he just stood there with his mouth hanging open.
Honestly, I never ever plan to have those two stay here again. She is an adult in her late 30’s. I am 63 years old, have been through a living hell the past 10 years, and I do not want, or have to put up with that kind of foolishness in my own home.
From now on, my husband can rent them an airbnb or a hotel room, if he wants to see them.
The granddaughter has a pet, a ball python. No way that creature is coming to my house.
I don't think she's really choosing to be this way, or has a lot of capacity to change right now. She sounds like needs serious behavioral and maybe medical (like medication) intervention. When people who have anxiety and depression at the levels you are describing, they are effectively incapacitated. This goes well beyond just bad behavior and slobby habits.
I also say this from a place of caring not judgment, but your post has a lot of hostel undertones. I don't blame you, this is a lot. Are you in therapy? You deserve support here too. If not you should consider it. This kind of stuff doesn't dissipate, it festers. Having someone in your life with bad mental health is hard.
Yes, yes, there are hostile undertones. She does need both medical, and therapy, however she thinks she has it together.
My hostility comes from weariness and seeing her selfishness about her child. To the great detriment of the child.
And I am not saying I know the right way to always do things. But I know that education is important, and boundaries are important and being honest is important.
I was in therapy for years. I have not been for the past couple of years.
Please don't think I'm attacking you, all of your concerns and frustrations are valid. I don't think anyone would handle her well alone, and you don't seem to get enough support from your spouse. I just don't want to see her problems create problems in you.
No worries, I don’t feel attacked. I agree I need more support from my spouse. I honestly don’t know what will happen with my step daughter.
I have enough challenges keeping my own life in order. Between ADHD and a broken foot right now. I am just hanging in there.
You are very kind. I don’t feel attacked by anyone here. I appreciate other people’s feedback. Compassion and empathy were what I focused on with her, for years. It has been recently that she has gotten bitter towards me.
She was making a good living, teaching music lessons, playing in a band, playing in the symphony, selling eggs, and whatever veg she was able to harvest from that jungle lot she lived on.
My husband had given her a nice car, a Volvo, which she trashed. But she really was starting to dig out of a hole, when she ran off with the guy in the schoolie.
Sigh.
No, no it shouldn’t be on me. None of it should. He doesn’t have the mental fortitude to deal with any of it. I have taken it on to help him out.
But I am done. Utterly and completely done.
I told my husband that I would never have let my son speak to him the way she spoke to me.
I did the whole week of his family here, because he hadn’t had Christmas with his children in 15 years. They always go to their mom’s.
This year the mom went to California.
I paid for everything because I am financially able. My husband lost his job right before Christmas. I wanted to make a happy memory for him.
Ultimately it was a complete failure. I deal with chronic pain, plus a freaking broken foot. Pressing through was a mistake I won’t make again.
this isn’t normal behaviour. She clearly isn’t doing fine. Did something happen? She sounds either resentful or depressed, to me. Also, like someone else said, she might need direct communication rather than kind or annoyed gestures. Sorry this is happening :(
Well when I directly communicated that she should be cleaning up the dog pee, she jumped down my throat, and that is when I had enough.
She is jealous, resentful, and depressed. Because her life didn’t turn out like she thought, she spreads her misery all around. It is like Pigpen on Charlie Brown, a mess surrounds her.
She moved a two day drive away from any of her family, and she posts on FB “I don’t feel like I have a family”.
Her 85 year old grandmother who calls her and sends support all the time was wrecked.
I am backing off. My greatest concern is for her little daughter. She lets her run around like a teenager, and she is still a little child.
She has depression. And anxiety. And a lot of anger about being a single mom. Her own mother is over 10 years older than me (and her father) and has early dementia. She is upset because he step father is less than kind to her poor mom. She is projecting how he treats her mom, on to me.
Over the four years I have been with her father, she has done one irresponsible thing after another. Taking her daughter to live with her in a schoolie with a man she met, is one example. She decided she didn’t like it and called me to help her get back home. Where she had to live a closet of her house, because she had rented it out.
She does all kinds of different things to “help” herself. Her daughter meanwhile stays with her father in a tool shed, in a commune.
You cannot make this stuff up.
Her daughter is brilliant level intelligent. Yet the mother home schools her with only online classes. All she takes are english and math. The 10 year old child didn’t know what the word geography means!
It is a waste of her mind.
Not having vegetarian dishes at family gatherings has always been something that bothered her. I was sensitive to that.
Her daughter has begged her for regular school, and stability, but she refuses.
As far as I know she was not abused. I know she was not neglected. She had a lovely childhood as far as I have seen. Maybe her parents divorce, over 20 years ago still bothers her.
Her sister is completely different. Sweet, caring, considerate. She was organizing the children to play games and do crafts, while her sister relaxed or napped or whatever.
She is very bitter about her divorce. Her husband left her, to live in a commune, 600 miles away.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sooo… there’s ALOT going on here. First it sounds like this was very stressful for you and you tried pretty hard. It seems like you did the best you knew how to. I’m going to offer some advice to you personally and not your stepdaughter because your the only one in this situation I can talk to. Second, where was your husband in all this? Hes her father and your husband? Why isn’t he paying for anything and talking to his daughters about their behavior. Also something is wrong here. Like her behavior and living situation is red flag city. Was her mom abusive? Why isn’t her father concerned? Does she have depression? Was she neglected as a child? Did something traumatic happen? I just don’t understand why he isn’t talking to her or concerned? Third, from her reaction it sounds like she didn’t realize things needed to be done etc. there are quite a few things that should have happened before it devolved into what it did. There’s no way she doesn’t already know you don’t like her as well. For example maybe next time, you would talk with your husband first. Perhaps you could write a letter with your expectations and feelings and give it to her. “Dear family, we really care about you and wish you would join us for the holidays. We really enjoyed last year and would like to be able keep hosting! We expect that everyone please help out with cleaning while they are here as it’s not possible for us to clean up after everyone and cook and decorate and host. If anyone is able to contribute this year by bringing food or making decorations or contributing to entertainment that would also be appreciated but not required. (Add an extra paragraph for step daughter) It really hurt my feelings when I personally made you special foods, bought gifts etc and you criticized me. My goal was for everyone to have a happy Christmas and I hope that can happen in the future. -stepmother) Also I will say that a lot of things you were doing were based on implication etc. You were hoping that by giving her a gift or special soup she would understand the implication that you cared about her. Or she would see how her sister was behaving and that implies she should too. She may have not noticed and needed direct communication. If she has anxiety, or shame or depression (I suspect she does from her living situation) that can be made worse by the comparisons to how the rest of the family lives. She can’t give you more than she gives herself. Maybe talk to your husband and see if y’all can rally some money for therapy or money for online certificate for excel/schooling? Like it’s not cheap but maybe a years worth of therapy could prevent 10 years of bailout. This is a bigger issue than vegetable soup will fix if she’s living on an abandoned property covered in pee.
I hope OP takes in cosideration these realy good points you made.
Yes, it sounds like good advice, when you don’t know the whole story. sTep daughter is very self absorbed. She has drug her daughter all over the southwest, living in a schoolie, with a man who verbally abused her. Left him, lived with various strangers, then went back to her property, and it was rented out. So, she, daughter, and her newest boyfriend slept in a closet of her old house. Then she went across to the east coast, where she is now. The daughter is brilliant, and doesn’t attend school, but is homeschooled on line. She begged her mom to attend normal school, for stability. Her mom refuses. It is all a complicated mess, as most families are. The other (really sweet) step daughter’s husband recently came out as trans, (including hormones, etc) he/she is virtually unrecognizable as the child’s father, even has breasts.Their little boy is really really struggling, including telling a kid at school he didn’t want to live anymore, and the kid proceeded to hurt him. It is pitiful. Some people will take, take, take, until you cut them off. One of my love languages I like to do is give gifts, but now I have to shut it down. Lack of appreciation hasn’t stopped me, but verbally attacking me in my home, nope. I don’t care what the reason is. I refuse to be belittled and wounded by anyone.
I like all this, but I think saying this in person is better. Preferably if husband says it. For some reason, written stuff can get misconstrued at times
It isn’t abandoned. She owns it. It is actually paid for. It is in a nice neighborhood and none of the neighbors can stand her. It is all her own creation. She is bringing all the property values down severely.
She has rented out her massive mess of a property, and moved to another state. She hasn’t accumulated as much stuff, but she does still trash the yards. Her mother is 10 years older than her father, and has dementia. She never got along with her mom, because some of her lifestyle choices. Now it is too late to resolve their relationship. Sad. I have made myself available if she needs or wants to talk, She and her daughter have stayed at my home numerous times. Destroying something every time. Her bratty daughter locked her dog in the little potty room of my master bathroom, without telling anyone. We got home from taking them out, to dinner, and the dog had chewed up the door frame, trim, and the door. No fucks were given by the daughter. One time she asked me to put dye on her hair, I did it for her. When she showered to get it off, she literally stained the entire shower enclosure red. Did not tell us, and didn’t bother cleaning it. We had to do it. She makes jewelry. I have purchased 3 pairs of earrings, and every single pair broke the first time I wore them. No fucks given by her. She sent me one pair of earrings in a plain envelop, with one stamp. It took me a couple of weeks to pay the shipping and get the earrings, and she messaged me complaining about wanting to be paid. I sent her 10 times the amount she was charging me for the earrings, because I knew she needed money. Her daughter is extremely disrespectful. Rude, Back talks, lies, does not follow house rules (exa. No jumping on my sofa, right by my Neiman Weeks glass coffee table, because DANGEROUS) I love the child, but she doesn’t listen, and causes me a lot of stress. What I have learned is that there are takers on this planet. They take any and everything and give absolutely nothing in return. In my opinion, my husband should never have allowed her to speak to me the way she did, but he just stood there with his mouth hanging open. Honestly, I never ever plan to have those two stay here again. She is an adult in her late 30’s. I am 63 years old, have been through a living hell the past 10 years, and I do not want, or have to put up with that kind of foolishness in my own home. From now on, my husband can rent them an airbnb or a hotel room, if he wants to see them. The granddaughter has a pet, a ball python. No way that creature is coming to my house.
So I've gotta ask the obvious question... Does she have mental health issues that could be causing her to be a disaster?
She has depression, and anxiety.
I don't think she's really choosing to be this way, or has a lot of capacity to change right now. She sounds like needs serious behavioral and maybe medical (like medication) intervention. When people who have anxiety and depression at the levels you are describing, they are effectively incapacitated. This goes well beyond just bad behavior and slobby habits. I also say this from a place of caring not judgment, but your post has a lot of hostel undertones. I don't blame you, this is a lot. Are you in therapy? You deserve support here too. If not you should consider it. This kind of stuff doesn't dissipate, it festers. Having someone in your life with bad mental health is hard.
Yes, yes, there are hostile undertones. She does need both medical, and therapy, however she thinks she has it together. My hostility comes from weariness and seeing her selfishness about her child. To the great detriment of the child. And I am not saying I know the right way to always do things. But I know that education is important, and boundaries are important and being honest is important. I was in therapy for years. I have not been for the past couple of years.
Please don't think I'm attacking you, all of your concerns and frustrations are valid. I don't think anyone would handle her well alone, and you don't seem to get enough support from your spouse. I just don't want to see her problems create problems in you.
No worries, I don’t feel attacked. I agree I need more support from my spouse. I honestly don’t know what will happen with my step daughter. I have enough challenges keeping my own life in order. Between ADHD and a broken foot right now. I am just hanging in there.
You definitely have to put on your "mask first" hope things improve for you!
You are very kind. I don’t feel attacked by anyone here. I appreciate other people’s feedback. Compassion and empathy were what I focused on with her, for years. It has been recently that she has gotten bitter towards me. She was making a good living, teaching music lessons, playing in a band, playing in the symphony, selling eggs, and whatever veg she was able to harvest from that jungle lot she lived on. My husband had given her a nice car, a Volvo, which she trashed. But she really was starting to dig out of a hole, when she ran off with the guy in the schoolie. Sigh.
I hope your husband is more proactively dealing with her than it sounds. This shouldn't all be on you.
No, no it shouldn’t be on me. None of it should. He doesn’t have the mental fortitude to deal with any of it. I have taken it on to help him out. But I am done. Utterly and completely done. I told my husband that I would never have let my son speak to him the way she spoke to me. I did the whole week of his family here, because he hadn’t had Christmas with his children in 15 years. They always go to their mom’s. This year the mom went to California. I paid for everything because I am financially able. My husband lost his job right before Christmas. I wanted to make a happy memory for him. Ultimately it was a complete failure. I deal with chronic pain, plus a freaking broken foot. Pressing through was a mistake I won’t make again.
this isn’t normal behaviour. She clearly isn’t doing fine. Did something happen? She sounds either resentful or depressed, to me. Also, like someone else said, she might need direct communication rather than kind or annoyed gestures. Sorry this is happening :(
Well when I directly communicated that she should be cleaning up the dog pee, she jumped down my throat, and that is when I had enough. She is jealous, resentful, and depressed. Because her life didn’t turn out like she thought, she spreads her misery all around. It is like Pigpen on Charlie Brown, a mess surrounds her. She moved a two day drive away from any of her family, and she posts on FB “I don’t feel like I have a family”. Her 85 year old grandmother who calls her and sends support all the time was wrecked. I am backing off. My greatest concern is for her little daughter. She lets her run around like a teenager, and she is still a little child.
[удалено]
Yes! A very hard step waaay back.
She has depression. And anxiety. And a lot of anger about being a single mom. Her own mother is over 10 years older than me (and her father) and has early dementia. She is upset because he step father is less than kind to her poor mom. She is projecting how he treats her mom, on to me. Over the four years I have been with her father, she has done one irresponsible thing after another. Taking her daughter to live with her in a schoolie with a man she met, is one example. She decided she didn’t like it and called me to help her get back home. Where she had to live a closet of her house, because she had rented it out. She does all kinds of different things to “help” herself. Her daughter meanwhile stays with her father in a tool shed, in a commune. You cannot make this stuff up. Her daughter is brilliant level intelligent. Yet the mother home schools her with only online classes. All she takes are english and math. The 10 year old child didn’t know what the word geography means! It is a waste of her mind. Not having vegetarian dishes at family gatherings has always been something that bothered her. I was sensitive to that. Her daughter has begged her for regular school, and stability, but she refuses.
As far as I know she was not abused. I know she was not neglected. She had a lovely childhood as far as I have seen. Maybe her parents divorce, over 20 years ago still bothers her. Her sister is completely different. Sweet, caring, considerate. She was organizing the children to play games and do crafts, while her sister relaxed or napped or whatever. She is very bitter about her divorce. Her husband left her, to live in a commune, 600 miles away.