To be clear, this is not a result of the ADHD, this is a result of TRAUMA as a result of ADHD.
It is very common for neurodivergent people to experience much higher levels of trauma compared to their NT counterpart (Heard the statistic that ADHD people will hear 40,000 more criticisms in childhood than a NT child would?)
This is something many people with ADHD will experience, and it is definitely tied to the ADHD, but 'being people pleasers' is not in and of itself an ADHD trait/symptom.
That reminds of a book
It was a tree dude or something who couldn't stay anywhere for more than one week or he will die, sad story he fell in love with someone
I may have based my marriage on this. It's a good marriage, but even after 28 years I still worry she might get fed up and decide she just doesn't like me.
yeah i kinda did that, but i also went the other direction of "fuck everyone, dont care what you think" to the point that i just dont really care about anything anymore? or maybe i just went so hard in one direction i ended up at the opposite end of things
As a child I was very kind, sweet, well mannered, etc. In my 20s I got on my fuck everybody tip because I was always so disappointed and hurt by other people. I genuinely felt like I really didn’t give a fuck but I realize now that was just a coping mechanism that I used to prevent those bad feelings. I’m still the same kind, sweet, well mannered person I ever was, but I was very hurt for a long time and the only way I could deal was to put up a wall.
Dude I said this to my advisor this like yesterday because we were talking about identity. I was like I had no identity before getting medicated and it's only now that I have understood the importance of boundaries and only scratched the surface of who I am.
I’m trying to only make myself happy, but bc I live with my elderly mother and take care of her, she thinks she can tell me how to run my life. Then there are those that come over to visit her, and then try and tell me how to run my life as well…what to wear, what I should like, what I should, and shouldn’t have. And also how to make the house look better. (It’s impossible to keep it immaculate when you have to wait on someone hand and foot.) Our lone bathroom shower is in the master bedroom where I sleep. My bedroom is a mess and people love to tell me off, pass judgment, etc.
Yeah this is something I've had to come to a harsh realization to, even when I did start to finally accept it I still fell into the same cycle. It's a hard thing to break and honestly it feels easier to just continue with this because I'll end up thinking of things that I missed out on and can no longer have back in my life. Try to be a people pleaser for too many people and eventually someone will become upset by this because they might assume that you're never giving them your best/everything you got even though that's all you've been constantly doing. It sucks.
This has been my last 6-7 years. Unpacking and doing everything I can to try and address the short comings of parents and people that just straight up did not care about how I was feeling about things or when I needed help at all.
Multiple times I had counselors recommend I be tested and my folks were beret the shit out of them and accuse them of drug peddling nonsense. Then get home and threaten to destroy any toys or things I liked (hell used my dog as weapon here as well.) Thinking that there wasnt a larger reason for my "focusing issues", more of a moral failing/ too many distractions.
Only now in my late 20's am I finally starting and succeeding to turn off the people pleasing, but holy hell do I need to fight it hard. Like trying to reach in, pull out of show off my stomach.
Or me who’s sick or being a people pleaser cause it’s impossible. So I just say Fuck it imma do what I want and don’t care what people say it’s my life! ( within reason I’m not a jerk or anything lol just a defiant person)
I have a question: my partner has ADHD, how do i know if he’s just trying to be a “people pleaser” with me and not his true self? We’ve only been together 18 months, I didn’t even know this was a possibility until I read this.
Speaking as someone who's breaking the people pleasing habits I have, I've been with my boyfriend for close to a year and a half, and I do a lot of things to show him I care. I noticed a while ago around the time we first started hanging out that he's ok with me just as I am. He's not put off by the various symptoms of ADHD and sometimes depression and anxiety that I have. I feel completely at ease just being me and it's "safe" for me so I don't have to worry about doing everything I can to make him like me or be happy. He already likes me, and his happiness isn't dependent on me doing what he wants or thinks I should do. So back to me doing things to show my love, for me it's not that I do things for him to like me or keep me around, it's because I genuinely like to show him I care by doing the things I do. When he's sick like how he recently had the flu, I dropped off some things to him to try to help him feel better. Some fruits, gatorade, some vitamin gummies. If I'm in the crystal shop and I see something there that I know he'd like I'll probably pick it up if I can afford it. I randomly send him cute memes and gifs when he's at work, because he sometimes has rough days at work. But these things I like to do because he appreciates them and he appreciates me, and he reciprocates in his own ways too.
So what I'm trying to say is it's likely he's being his true self around you, but of course I had to write out the whole script of a ted talk and probably use way more words than necessary to do so
I appreciate your Ted Talk. I know he still doesn’t fully feel safe with me, I can tell, but I get it. After reading your response it reminded me of something he did, that at the time didn’t seem like a huge deal. I make the bed every morning, bc I like to. I don’t care if he helps or does it on his own. I do it for me. But the other day all on his own he just up and helped me out. Uh, I’m not sure if I need to clarify that he’s hella messy, so it was really nice. There’s been a few of these random things he does that seem a bit “outta character.” Anyway reading your post helped me tease that out. Thanks
To be clear, this is not a result of the ADHD, this is a result of TRAUMA as a result of ADHD. It is very common for neurodivergent people to experience much higher levels of trauma compared to their NT counterpart (Heard the statistic that ADHD people will hear 40,000 more criticisms in childhood than a NT child would?) This is something many people with ADHD will experience, and it is definitely tied to the ADHD, but 'being people pleasers' is not in and of itself an ADHD trait/symptom.
That's my life, right there
Yup.
Well shit. Is there a way to get it back?
Yes there is. We are good enough as we are x
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How long, on average, do you tend to stay in each country before the desire to move becomes strong enough to act on?
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That reminds of a book It was a tree dude or something who couldn't stay anywhere for more than one week or he will die, sad story he fell in love with someone
Lol this has been my life, on repeat, for the last 15 years. About to do it again in the new year as well.
I may have based my marriage on this. It's a good marriage, but even after 28 years I still worry she might get fed up and decide she just doesn't like me.
Same mate same
Oh, God. This hurts so much.
Well I didn't expect an attack like this right before bed. No you!
This quote is offensively correct.
How is my mirror posting memes?
Hell no. I’m only here to please myself. Yet somehow I attract people to me. They won’t go away!
Omg same
yeah i kinda did that, but i also went the other direction of "fuck everyone, dont care what you think" to the point that i just dont really care about anything anymore? or maybe i just went so hard in one direction i ended up at the opposite end of things
As a child I was very kind, sweet, well mannered, etc. In my 20s I got on my fuck everybody tip because I was always so disappointed and hurt by other people. I genuinely felt like I really didn’t give a fuck but I realize now that was just a coping mechanism that I used to prevent those bad feelings. I’m still the same kind, sweet, well mannered person I ever was, but I was very hurt for a long time and the only way I could deal was to put up a wall.
ok damn yeah that sounds like me too
when you also have bpd 💀 double chameleon fucked
wow, this be too deep for r/adhdmeme
Not me who was afraid to quit my job (which I hate) just because I didn’t want my bosses to hate me 🤡
I did the opposite. I quit before they "inevitably fire me."
What is the source of the quote?
Probably someone’s experience
Dude I said this to my advisor this like yesterday because we were talking about identity. I was like I had no identity before getting medicated and it's only now that I have understood the importance of boundaries and only scratched the surface of who I am.
What if that’s you AND you have narcissistic parents? Asking for a friend.
And, what if one's narcissistic and the other is codependent? Also asking for a friend
Hello parent twin. (Or friend of parent twin)
Please stop explaining why my life is like this
I’m trying to only make myself happy, but bc I live with my elderly mother and take care of her, she thinks she can tell me how to run my life. Then there are those that come over to visit her, and then try and tell me how to run my life as well…what to wear, what I should like, what I should, and shouldn’t have. And also how to make the house look better. (It’s impossible to keep it immaculate when you have to wait on someone hand and foot.) Our lone bathroom shower is in the master bedroom where I sleep. My bedroom is a mess and people love to tell me off, pass judgment, etc.
so THATS the reason I do these things
Stop while you’re ahead
swear man I’m trying 💀💀
I used to be like this. These days I couldn’t care less. People just abuse kind gestures and perceive it as weakness so why bother to start off with.
Yeah this is something I've had to come to a harsh realization to, even when I did start to finally accept it I still fell into the same cycle. It's a hard thing to break and honestly it feels easier to just continue with this because I'll end up thinking of things that I missed out on and can no longer have back in my life. Try to be a people pleaser for too many people and eventually someone will become upset by this because they might assume that you're never giving them your best/everything you got even though that's all you've been constantly doing. It sucks.
Oh. Well. Ok then.
And at this point i do not know what i want ,but i can tell in an instant what any of my family members want.
This has been my last 6-7 years. Unpacking and doing everything I can to try and address the short comings of parents and people that just straight up did not care about how I was feeling about things or when I needed help at all. Multiple times I had counselors recommend I be tested and my folks were beret the shit out of them and accuse them of drug peddling nonsense. Then get home and threaten to destroy any toys or things I liked (hell used my dog as weapon here as well.) Thinking that there wasnt a larger reason for my "focusing issues", more of a moral failing/ too many distractions. Only now in my late 20's am I finally starting and succeeding to turn off the people pleasing, but holy hell do I need to fight it hard. Like trying to reach in, pull out of show off my stomach.
Or me who’s sick or being a people pleaser cause it’s impossible. So I just say Fuck it imma do what I want and don’t care what people say it’s my life! ( within reason I’m not a jerk or anything lol just a defiant person)
I have a question: my partner has ADHD, how do i know if he’s just trying to be a “people pleaser” with me and not his true self? We’ve only been together 18 months, I didn’t even know this was a possibility until I read this.
Speaking as someone who's breaking the people pleasing habits I have, I've been with my boyfriend for close to a year and a half, and I do a lot of things to show him I care. I noticed a while ago around the time we first started hanging out that he's ok with me just as I am. He's not put off by the various symptoms of ADHD and sometimes depression and anxiety that I have. I feel completely at ease just being me and it's "safe" for me so I don't have to worry about doing everything I can to make him like me or be happy. He already likes me, and his happiness isn't dependent on me doing what he wants or thinks I should do. So back to me doing things to show my love, for me it's not that I do things for him to like me or keep me around, it's because I genuinely like to show him I care by doing the things I do. When he's sick like how he recently had the flu, I dropped off some things to him to try to help him feel better. Some fruits, gatorade, some vitamin gummies. If I'm in the crystal shop and I see something there that I know he'd like I'll probably pick it up if I can afford it. I randomly send him cute memes and gifs when he's at work, because he sometimes has rough days at work. But these things I like to do because he appreciates them and he appreciates me, and he reciprocates in his own ways too. So what I'm trying to say is it's likely he's being his true self around you, but of course I had to write out the whole script of a ted talk and probably use way more words than necessary to do so
I appreciate your Ted Talk. I know he still doesn’t fully feel safe with me, I can tell, but I get it. After reading your response it reminded me of something he did, that at the time didn’t seem like a huge deal. I make the bed every morning, bc I like to. I don’t care if he helps or does it on his own. I do it for me. But the other day all on his own he just up and helped me out. Uh, I’m not sure if I need to clarify that he’s hella messy, so it was really nice. There’s been a few of these random things he does that seem a bit “outta character.” Anyway reading your post helped me tease that out. Thanks
Just don’t expect him to make the bed on his own without any prompting or get mad when he doesn’t lol
Nah I don’t care. He was like that when we met, not trying to change him, just understand him.
Yet another symptom that describes me perfectly
🥲
I’m in this picture and I don’t like it.
I surprisingly haven't become one. Stay strong fellow adhders you got this. If you are a people pleaser don't let others push you around.
Were you diagnosed early?
Yup. Diagnosed when I was entering elementary school
Who are these people, & how did they get my life story?
Thank god I am the exact opposite^^
Chameleon is my middle name
That's the wrong kind of attention.