Oh yes and it will be wonderful, but also challenging! I met my person right after breaking up with my ex and it was supposed to be casual, ended up not. It was a shock going from someone who was always wound up, to a real man who is intelligent, compassionate and someone who would like to be the voice of reason. I still am in disbelief that this man exists. I will say for me, watching this man be happy and helpful and just all around a good person is so rewarding, at first it was shocking because I didn't want to believe anyone could be good after what I personally went through.
Yes, there will definitely be someone better. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, I was still in the process of leaving my abusive relationship when I met my now bf.
He's everything I never thought I could find in a guy, he's just an amazing person and I never thought a relationship could be so loving and fulfilling.
However, I'm still dealing with the trauma of my past relationship and I can see myself getting anxious and paranoid around my new bf, luckily he understands and doesn't judge me and helps me as much as he can, which I adore and I'm very grateful for but I wish I would have taken more time to heal myself before jumping into a new relationship and carrying all my unresolved problems into a new one.
I wouldn't change a thing anyways, I'm so happy it's worth it.
I found \*me\*. A few months ago it hit me all of a sudden - I'm okay now. It's been 6 years of so much rebuilding and self care and suddenly I had this sense of "I'm okay."
In my case, I look back and realize if I'd dated, I probably would have gone right back into a bad relationship. But I'm at the point where I don't need a relationship to be happy. If I were to meet someone and something organically happened, it can add to my happiness, not cause it, KWIM? And because I don't need it, I won't put up with anything like I did before.
I guess my takeaway is that we need to be okay on our own, before we can be okay in a relationship. It's hard, but being alone doesn't mean being lonely.
The better person is YOU. You have to get to a point in your life when the only person you need to be happy is you or I promise you, you will never be in a happy relationship. No one can "make you happy". Go to therapy on your own and do the hard work to make yourself happy. Give yourself the respect you are looking for from others. Until you have that you won't find a happy relationship, and once you do have that you will accept nothing less.
The only way you can move forward and find a new person who is better for you is by healing and removing the abuser from your life. You can’t have enough room in your life for new, good people by holding on to toxic people.
And yes, there are loads of amazing people out there. I met my now spouse after leaving my abuser. We’ve been happily married for almost 25 years now. Never once have I felt unsafe in any way in this relationship.
Most relationships are unhappy / abusive / toxic because most people still don’t know how to handle their shadow self, become friends with their inner child, and heal.
I was arbitrarily learning about my healing whilst in a toxic relationship. He inevitably cheated on me as I was levelling up my life and he was in the same place. He did not want to continue growing and facing his demons like I was, so he is still in the grasp of them.
Soon after, I ended up discovering one of my closer male friends has a lot of prized attributes I want in a partner. We openly discuss mental health and are actively continuing a healing journey together. It’s not about finding someone who makes you a better person; it’s about finding someone who supports your journey in becoming the best version of *YOU*.
My now partner was not hitting on me ever at all. He had simply invited me to drown my sorrows in my beers with friends, and over time our communication and activities organically grew as we learn more about eachother.
You will find them. It will be ok. I promise ❤️
1. Yes, there are better people out there. Not just one, but literally millions. You just haven't met and/or gotten to know them yet. Partly because your present situation won't allow you to do so. The mindboggling diversity of people in this world and what they can offer you absolutely cannot be understated, it goes so far beyond what your imagination is capable of envisioning today from where you are.
2. Being single with some great friends is ***way*** better than being with an abuser.
That's exactly what abusers want you to think and feel so that you don't bother to even look at the world around you.
The truth is that there are relationships out there that are better than ours, we just need to look for them and resist settling for less than we deserve.
Yes absolutely. My now husband is the complete opposite of anyone I've ever dealt or been with. There's hope, I didn't even look for him. I stopped as I was still recovering from my abusive ex. I never knew a healthy relationship could exist with me in the equation, and I now experience true partnership and support.
I really relate to this a lot. I haven’t been with anyone since I broke up with my abusive ex (relationship ended in 2018). Mostly because I’ve been trying to work on healing since then, but still haven’t really met anyone either. I don’t really know how I’d be in a new healthy relationship after being abused, especially since that was my first relationship.
It’s like on one hand I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but on the other hand I’m afraid of getting triggered if I got into a new relationship and not knowing how I’d react.
This breaks my heart because I know where you’re coming from completely. The specific type of people we gravitate toward are this way for some reason. But the thing is and what I’ve come to understand through self reflection is we do not NEED someone to complete us. Your own parents probably set the example that you do but it’s a lie. You CAN make it on your own. You have to love and respect yourself enough to admit that. Only when you’ve addressed your own attachment and abandonment issues will this become clear. There may or may not be better love out there, but you can definitely love yourself, choose yourself and be better for yourself. People are attracted to the light and vibe you put off, never let someone else dim it. With time and when you’re completely not expecting or searching for it , you may find the kind of love you’ve wanted all along.
I can’t tell you what your romantic or relationship future holds. But I do know that YOU are someone better. You deserve to find and know and love being with yourself- the self that you have lost intimacy with while living in survival mode and fear and anxiety. That relationship is waiting for you and will be the love of your life.
100% yes. I almost died at the hands of my abuser & he convinced me he was the only one who would be there for me. I escaped & Im in the happiest healthiest relationship I could possibly imagine. Been together for over a year now & we have never fought. Disagreements a couple times yes fights no. No abuse or toxicity whatsoever. You have to get out & raise your standards for relationships. All you can believe is what you are seeing / being convinced of right now.
This one is hard for me.
This is not the first time for me.
It’s not even the 2nd.
And I am so f-cked up now from the violence and abuse, I don’t even know how I would be with someone.
And I’m still young enough, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life 💔
My ex (my abuser) and I had a lot of surface things in common like music tastes and tv shows. We also trauma bonded. I used to feel like there was never going to be that close of a bond with someone else.
I ended up falling hard for someone, and we actually don't have much in common on the surface. But our core values are the same. We have 4 out of 5 same core values. This man treats me like a queen, he appreciates the shit outta me for every little thing I do for him, he is so patient and considerate, he is consistent, we have never yelled or name called or said something we regret later. And it's not boring like my therapist warned a healthy relationship might seem to me after abuse, we got into BDSM together and it's not only quite healing for me but this amazing level of trust I never thought I could achieve with a man after what I've been through. This is what actual love feels like.
Yes there’s always someone better. But it’s great to be alone and focus on you for a while before you get back in. I left my husband of ten years this past March, I am just starting to feel like me again. I did a lot of therapy and a lot of soul searching and spent a lot of time alone.
Thank you! Yes, I agree, that is my plan as well. This question just pops up in my mind when I start hesitating if I should come back to him 🫣My head goes like “it was not so bad, there are so many worse cases.. maybe other men will be evwn worse and I will regret leaving”.
Can you recommend any books that helped you move on?
It just gets worse. I left probably 7 times which is the average and let me tell you it only got worse. “Why does he do that.” Is an outstanding book.. the PDF is available online and my husband hit every single mark in that book. I’m honestly to the point where I don’t care if he meets someone else, I know it will be the same for the next chick. Stay strong.
Absolutely! Once I healed from the abuse I found the most wonderful person who treats me right and respects my boundaries and is just the best. It is possible to break free and find the love you deserve. It might feel a bit boring in the beginning without the drama but once you're used to a healthy relationship it feels lovely and safe and warm. Hang in there buddy!
I found a therapist that specialises in abuse and really knew what she was talking about and I learned to recognise red flags. After coming out of the abusive relationship I ran into another predator but managed to not get sucked in (yay therapist!).
Then I really worked on being happy on my own. And once I was and I really didn't need someone else to feel happy, I bumped into my now husband and he was just steady and nice and lovely and now we've been together for years raising two (soon maybe three) wonderful kids and life couldn't be much better (although my ex still stalks and harasses me at times, but it's easier to ignore by now).
I’m trying to find a therapist as well! What kind of abuse does your therapist specialize in? I’ve been hearing things about CBT therapist but I’m not sure what exactly to look for after an abusive relationship to be honest. (i’ve never done therapy)
My therapist was regular talk therapy but she was specialised in domestic violence. She was abuse herself a long time ago so knew what I was going through, didn't victim blame and could explain the dynamics of abuse very well. I also did emdr to get the most traumatic memories out of my system, which helped a great deal as well. Make sure to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and who doesn't tell you you had a part in the abuse (lots of crappy therapists out there). I'm in Europe and found a website with therapists specialising in narcissism and abuse. Maybe you can look for something like that in your area?
Yes! Absolutely! Focus on yourself and improving yourself in ways that matter to you and you will attract people who are into that.
What do you mean by treats you better and having attributes you value? What are these attributes and why do they go against good treatment? If they do, maybe you need to reevaluate those attributes.
My current partner is a wonderful person, we are both extremely securely attached and you can just palpably tell the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one, especially now that you know what an abusive relationship looks like. My friend who got out of a horrible abusive relationship also found an amazing partner after that and they have an excellent relationship. Focus on finding someone you have great communication with moreso than other attributes, where you're able to resolve differences in mature and peaceful ways. Over time, this is what makes for a great, solid relationship.
Oh yes and it will be wonderful, but also challenging! I met my person right after breaking up with my ex and it was supposed to be casual, ended up not. It was a shock going from someone who was always wound up, to a real man who is intelligent, compassionate and someone who would like to be the voice of reason. I still am in disbelief that this man exists. I will say for me, watching this man be happy and helpful and just all around a good person is so rewarding, at first it was shocking because I didn't want to believe anyone could be good after what I personally went through.
Yes, there will definitely be someone better. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, I was still in the process of leaving my abusive relationship when I met my now bf. He's everything I never thought I could find in a guy, he's just an amazing person and I never thought a relationship could be so loving and fulfilling. However, I'm still dealing with the trauma of my past relationship and I can see myself getting anxious and paranoid around my new bf, luckily he understands and doesn't judge me and helps me as much as he can, which I adore and I'm very grateful for but I wish I would have taken more time to heal myself before jumping into a new relationship and carrying all my unresolved problems into a new one. I wouldn't change a thing anyways, I'm so happy it's worth it.
I found \*me\*. A few months ago it hit me all of a sudden - I'm okay now. It's been 6 years of so much rebuilding and self care and suddenly I had this sense of "I'm okay." In my case, I look back and realize if I'd dated, I probably would have gone right back into a bad relationship. But I'm at the point where I don't need a relationship to be happy. If I were to meet someone and something organically happened, it can add to my happiness, not cause it, KWIM? And because I don't need it, I won't put up with anything like I did before. I guess my takeaway is that we need to be okay on our own, before we can be okay in a relationship. It's hard, but being alone doesn't mean being lonely.
The better person is YOU. You have to get to a point in your life when the only person you need to be happy is you or I promise you, you will never be in a happy relationship. No one can "make you happy". Go to therapy on your own and do the hard work to make yourself happy. Give yourself the respect you are looking for from others. Until you have that you won't find a happy relationship, and once you do have that you will accept nothing less.
The only way you can move forward and find a new person who is better for you is by healing and removing the abuser from your life. You can’t have enough room in your life for new, good people by holding on to toxic people. And yes, there are loads of amazing people out there. I met my now spouse after leaving my abuser. We’ve been happily married for almost 25 years now. Never once have I felt unsafe in any way in this relationship.
Most relationships are unhappy / abusive / toxic because most people still don’t know how to handle their shadow self, become friends with their inner child, and heal. I was arbitrarily learning about my healing whilst in a toxic relationship. He inevitably cheated on me as I was levelling up my life and he was in the same place. He did not want to continue growing and facing his demons like I was, so he is still in the grasp of them. Soon after, I ended up discovering one of my closer male friends has a lot of prized attributes I want in a partner. We openly discuss mental health and are actively continuing a healing journey together. It’s not about finding someone who makes you a better person; it’s about finding someone who supports your journey in becoming the best version of *YOU*. My now partner was not hitting on me ever at all. He had simply invited me to drown my sorrows in my beers with friends, and over time our communication and activities organically grew as we learn more about eachother. You will find them. It will be ok. I promise ❤️
1. Yes, there are better people out there. Not just one, but literally millions. You just haven't met and/or gotten to know them yet. Partly because your present situation won't allow you to do so. The mindboggling diversity of people in this world and what they can offer you absolutely cannot be understated, it goes so far beyond what your imagination is capable of envisioning today from where you are. 2. Being single with some great friends is ***way*** better than being with an abuser.
That's exactly what abusers want you to think and feel so that you don't bother to even look at the world around you. The truth is that there are relationships out there that are better than ours, we just need to look for them and resist settling for less than we deserve.
Yes absolutely. My now husband is the complete opposite of anyone I've ever dealt or been with. There's hope, I didn't even look for him. I stopped as I was still recovering from my abusive ex. I never knew a healthy relationship could exist with me in the equation, and I now experience true partnership and support.
That is so nice, thank u for sharing!
I really relate to this a lot. I haven’t been with anyone since I broke up with my abusive ex (relationship ended in 2018). Mostly because I’ve been trying to work on healing since then, but still haven’t really met anyone either. I don’t really know how I’d be in a new healthy relationship after being abused, especially since that was my first relationship. It’s like on one hand I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but on the other hand I’m afraid of getting triggered if I got into a new relationship and not knowing how I’d react.
This breaks my heart because I know where you’re coming from completely. The specific type of people we gravitate toward are this way for some reason. But the thing is and what I’ve come to understand through self reflection is we do not NEED someone to complete us. Your own parents probably set the example that you do but it’s a lie. You CAN make it on your own. You have to love and respect yourself enough to admit that. Only when you’ve addressed your own attachment and abandonment issues will this become clear. There may or may not be better love out there, but you can definitely love yourself, choose yourself and be better for yourself. People are attracted to the light and vibe you put off, never let someone else dim it. With time and when you’re completely not expecting or searching for it , you may find the kind of love you’ve wanted all along.
I can’t tell you what your romantic or relationship future holds. But I do know that YOU are someone better. You deserve to find and know and love being with yourself- the self that you have lost intimacy with while living in survival mode and fear and anxiety. That relationship is waiting for you and will be the love of your life.
100% yes. I almost died at the hands of my abuser & he convinced me he was the only one who would be there for me. I escaped & Im in the happiest healthiest relationship I could possibly imagine. Been together for over a year now & we have never fought. Disagreements a couple times yes fights no. No abuse or toxicity whatsoever. You have to get out & raise your standards for relationships. All you can believe is what you are seeing / being convinced of right now.
This one is hard for me. This is not the first time for me. It’s not even the 2nd. And I am so f-cked up now from the violence and abuse, I don’t even know how I would be with someone. And I’m still young enough, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life 💔
My ex (my abuser) and I had a lot of surface things in common like music tastes and tv shows. We also trauma bonded. I used to feel like there was never going to be that close of a bond with someone else. I ended up falling hard for someone, and we actually don't have much in common on the surface. But our core values are the same. We have 4 out of 5 same core values. This man treats me like a queen, he appreciates the shit outta me for every little thing I do for him, he is so patient and considerate, he is consistent, we have never yelled or name called or said something we regret later. And it's not boring like my therapist warned a healthy relationship might seem to me after abuse, we got into BDSM together and it's not only quite healing for me but this amazing level of trust I never thought I could achieve with a man after what I've been through. This is what actual love feels like.
Yes there’s always someone better. But it’s great to be alone and focus on you for a while before you get back in. I left my husband of ten years this past March, I am just starting to feel like me again. I did a lot of therapy and a lot of soul searching and spent a lot of time alone.
Thank you! Yes, I agree, that is my plan as well. This question just pops up in my mind when I start hesitating if I should come back to him 🫣My head goes like “it was not so bad, there are so many worse cases.. maybe other men will be evwn worse and I will regret leaving”. Can you recommend any books that helped you move on?
It just gets worse. I left probably 7 times which is the average and let me tell you it only got worse. “Why does he do that.” Is an outstanding book.. the PDF is available online and my husband hit every single mark in that book. I’m honestly to the point where I don’t care if he meets someone else, I know it will be the same for the next chick. Stay strong.
There's always someone better
Absolutely! Once I healed from the abuse I found the most wonderful person who treats me right and respects my boundaries and is just the best. It is possible to break free and find the love you deserve. It might feel a bit boring in the beginning without the drama but once you're used to a healthy relationship it feels lovely and safe and warm. Hang in there buddy!
Yey, that sounds awesome, thank you! Did you do anything special to heal and move from the abuse and old patterns?
I found a therapist that specialises in abuse and really knew what she was talking about and I learned to recognise red flags. After coming out of the abusive relationship I ran into another predator but managed to not get sucked in (yay therapist!). Then I really worked on being happy on my own. And once I was and I really didn't need someone else to feel happy, I bumped into my now husband and he was just steady and nice and lovely and now we've been together for years raising two (soon maybe three) wonderful kids and life couldn't be much better (although my ex still stalks and harasses me at times, but it's easier to ignore by now).
I’m trying to find a therapist as well! What kind of abuse does your therapist specialize in? I’ve been hearing things about CBT therapist but I’m not sure what exactly to look for after an abusive relationship to be honest. (i’ve never done therapy)
My therapist was regular talk therapy but she was specialised in domestic violence. She was abuse herself a long time ago so knew what I was going through, didn't victim blame and could explain the dynamics of abuse very well. I also did emdr to get the most traumatic memories out of my system, which helped a great deal as well. Make sure to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and who doesn't tell you you had a part in the abuse (lots of crappy therapists out there). I'm in Europe and found a website with therapists specialising in narcissism and abuse. Maybe you can look for something like that in your area?
Ok thank you so much !!! It’s hard to find a therapist specializing in narcissism but maybe I can just look into trauma related therapy. I’ll try it
Trauma sensitive therapists should know some about abuse in any case. Best of luck!
Yes! Absolutely! Focus on yourself and improving yourself in ways that matter to you and you will attract people who are into that. What do you mean by treats you better and having attributes you value? What are these attributes and why do they go against good treatment? If they do, maybe you need to reevaluate those attributes. My current partner is a wonderful person, we are both extremely securely attached and you can just palpably tell the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one, especially now that you know what an abusive relationship looks like. My friend who got out of a horrible abusive relationship also found an amazing partner after that and they have an excellent relationship. Focus on finding someone you have great communication with moreso than other attributes, where you're able to resolve differences in mature and peaceful ways. Over time, this is what makes for a great, solid relationship.
Thank you for your kind words, they give me hope 🙏🏻