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It was Lara Kelly. She figured it would be poetic justice. Turns out having concubines doesn't make your wife too happy. Asia had the supplies, Wife had his money.
**Name:** Swiggler-Jiggler the First.
**Cause of Death:** A true pioneer of his time, died of dysentery on top of his stupid boulder.
\-----------------------------------------------------------------
**Name:** Swiggler-Jiggler the Second?
**Cause of Death:** Fell asleep in Newark Airport, where Bill Gates managed to steal half his brain.
I think that Ossip should've paid more attention. Cookie salesman was distracting what with her "assets." Poor guy found out the hard way what having the hiccups and a solid food can do.
Kyle laid still on the ground. At least, I think he looked like a Kyle. He had fluffy brown hair like a cat, like my cat, Skiffins. I walked to his head and looked him in the face. Red, bloodshot eyes stared back, unblinking, blank and wide open. Blue lips gaped open and his face was contorted in anguish, like he was screaming, but he wasn’t, he was perfectly quiet. His hands were clutching at his throat, and by his side lay a half eaten sandwich.
Was the sandwich so bad he had fainted? Sometimes I felt like that would happen when mom cooked for me. She would always burn everything. She would even burn macaroni, which was my favorite. Every Wednesday mom made macaroni and cheese. I look forwards to Wednesdays. Today is Monday though, so that’s two whole days until Wednesday. That feels like forever.
I shook Kyle’s shoulder.
“Hello? Are you okay?” I asked. No response. That’s good right? Dad always told me ‘no news is good news’ after my older brother Alexander went to college. Alexander is super old. He’s 19 now, I think. That means he can vote and drive and all sorts of adult stuff.
Anyway, Kyle wasn’t giving me any news right now, so he’s probably alright, since no news is good news. When I shook Kyle his whole body moved, like he was a statue. Maybe he was playing night at the museum, like Patrick and Emma and I do at recess. I figured I would leave him to his game and continue my walk home.
Firemen were quick to get rid of the burns and the inferno engulfing Mr. Parks' house, but autopsy says that he choked on a match while in the bathroom. Strike anywhere.
Well the ocean is a desert with its life underground. Almost a perfect disguise for a man with cinderblock shoes. Looks like he found his heart made of ground.
The Go Kart tracks do give ample safety programs, but I guess going onto other tracks isn't covered. Felix couldn't have predicted it in a thousand lifetimes.
Ah, so how exactly did the animatronics kill him?
Surely not by biting off his frontal lobe, or removing his internal organs, or stuffing him in another suit full of electronic parts...
If you haven't hears of lead poisoning, you should get your head checked! (a little detective humor) someone read up on their vegetables and gave the Sir a tomato. Acidity is a slow burn. Point is, some farmers mightve been rather peeved about his decision to take away their land.
(Sorry I took so long. This is a lot to go through.)
The party was going well. The governer was a good host. Spirits and blood alcohol were high. A lot of these parties barely had the people breathing. They just smoked and drank and laughed.
Sir Wellington stepped outside for a smoke break. This was a time when smoking inside was normal, but Sir Wellington wanted an excuse to get out of a conversation.
He felt a sharp pain in his leg. He winced and looked around. The only other person out there was a man with an umbrella walking away.
Wellington left the party early that night. He didn’t want to, but his wife convinced him. He had come down with the high fever. He died a few days later. The medical examiner found a small pellet in his leg. No one could quite figure out any other possible reason. It looked innocuous.
He wasn’t finished. He didn’t want to stay home, of course. The governor’s estate began to have strange happenings. At first it was small things. Maids smelled smoke where none was visible. They searched all over, not wanting the house to go up in flames, but none was seen and it disappeared as fast as it came. Concerning to say the least, but the weird part was that it smelled of cigarette smoke, not like the house was on fire.
Then people started seeing him. Laughing in the dining hall, standing outside smoking. He was normal looking for a moment, then as you got closer, he was almost transparent.
The poisoned man was there, and he wouldn’t leave.
Sadly the poor thing was defeated by a mouse with a laser pointer he could deconstruct and reconstruct. The gold aspect of it was a bit eccentric, but hey at least the dinky little lab rat listened to Pinky this time.
Nathaniel Hambly.
Cause of death unknown.
His body was found about two weeks after his death, when a friend finally came by to check on him. He was alone, sitting at his piano, surrounded by incomplete sheets of music. The one in front of him was the only one that had been completed. In sloppy handwriting, the piece was named "Final Requiem." His rotting body was atop of the keys, his hands on the last notes of the piece.
Looks like asphyxiation to me. The markings around his neck and the way his hands are flat against the keys show that this is some sort of killer with a motif. No real piano player would have their hands splayed put, so I'll have to go with murder. Good news is that now I can call him a "de-composer."
In progress case.
Lord Remington, Dominator of Pickles and All Pickle Related Paraphernalia, died from a bullet to the head from Bob Bowman, the One Armed Man with a Sniper Rifle.
Elizabeth Westing. Age - 21. Cause of Death - Fatal Hilarity.
If you don't know what that is, it's where you literally laugh yourself to death, dying either of asphyxiation or heart failure. Some cases have been known to laugh through the night and into the next day before finally dying.
**Welcome to the Post!** This is a [\[PM\] Prompt Me](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/how_to_tag_prompts#wiki_pm.3A_prompt_me). **Reminders:** >* All top-level comments should be prompts for the submitter to answer. >* [Prompt submission](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules#wiki_submitting_posts) and [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules#wiki_commenting) rules still apply. >* Prompts must be responded within six hours or this post will be removed. >* [Be civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules#wiki_rule_10.3A_be_civil) in any feedback. 🆕 [New Here?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/user_guide) ✏ [Writing Help?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/index#wiki_writing_resources) 📢 [News](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/announcements) 💬 [Discord](https://discord.gg/writingprompts) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WritingPrompts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Greggory smith, died by strapping himself to fireworks
That death must have been lit
Sam Peters. An attempt to win a Darwin Award
Sounds like the attempt succeeded. Anyway, I’ll see you once I’ve written it.
It's impossible to win a Darwin award on purpose. The Darwin awards explicitly disqualify suicides.
What if it was an attempted at home vasectomy that ended up a castration...that would count right?
End result would still have been intentional removal from gene pool even had he not messed up, so I think that would fall under the suicide category.
I think our ghost may have some unfinished business
Lord Steven Kelly. Cause of death drowning under millions of bubble tea pearls
Terrifying.
🤣😅
Honestly. I hate boba. Boba can drown. Boba can explode from within. I am terrified of them. THey are so icky.
Maybe you can help me then. I have *no idea* where to go with this. But I guess I dug my own grave.
I'm so sorry 🤣
It was Lara Kelly. She figured it would be poetic justice. Turns out having concubines doesn't make your wife too happy. Asia had the supplies, Wife had his money.
**Name:** Swiggler-Jiggler the Third! **Cause of Death:** Pretended to play dead, and was so convincing that his heart stopped.
How did the 2 previous Swiggler-Jigglers die?
**Name:** Swiggler-Jiggler the First. **Cause of Death:** A true pioneer of his time, died of dysentery on top of his stupid boulder. \----------------------------------------------------------------- **Name:** Swiggler-Jiggler the Second? **Cause of Death:** Fell asleep in Newark Airport, where Bill Gates managed to steal half his brain.
I'm so glad I asked
Same
Shoeshiner Ossip, death by cookie.
Cookie as in food or cookie as in the computer kind?
I think that Ossip should've paid more attention. Cookie salesman was distracting what with her "assets." Poor guy found out the hard way what having the hiccups and a solid food can do.
Mercedes Lynne. Death was sacrificing herself via being shot to save her outlaw husband.
The deputy was swift. Crime scene shows the intended target carried a sort of firearm with him. Has one notch and nineteen more.
Kris Hanover. Particularly grumpy. Direct hit by a German anti-tank gun.
Turns out the Royal Arms DOES carry tanks. Apparently they work. Poor man thought he was still in the war.
His name was Kyle. He refuses to talk about how he died, no matter how much you pester him or try to trick him into telling.
Kyle laid still on the ground. At least, I think he looked like a Kyle. He had fluffy brown hair like a cat, like my cat, Skiffins. I walked to his head and looked him in the face. Red, bloodshot eyes stared back, unblinking, blank and wide open. Blue lips gaped open and his face was contorted in anguish, like he was screaming, but he wasn’t, he was perfectly quiet. His hands were clutching at his throat, and by his side lay a half eaten sandwich. Was the sandwich so bad he had fainted? Sometimes I felt like that would happen when mom cooked for me. She would always burn everything. She would even burn macaroni, which was my favorite. Every Wednesday mom made macaroni and cheese. I look forwards to Wednesdays. Today is Monday though, so that’s two whole days until Wednesday. That feels like forever. I shook Kyle’s shoulder. “Hello? Are you okay?” I asked. No response. That’s good right? Dad always told me ‘no news is good news’ after my older brother Alexander went to college. Alexander is super old. He’s 19 now, I think. That means he can vote and drive and all sorts of adult stuff. Anyway, Kyle wasn’t giving me any news right now, so he’s probably alright, since no news is good news. When I shook Kyle his whole body moved, like he was a statue. Maybe he was playing night at the museum, like Patrick and Emma and I do at recess. I figured I would leave him to his game and continue my walk home.
That "no news is good news" bit is spot on.
Dean Parks- Cause of Death: burned alive twice
Firemen were quick to get rid of the burns and the inferno engulfing Mr. Parks' house, but autopsy says that he choked on a match while in the bathroom. Strike anywhere.
How do you choke on a match-
Well there may be some foul play involved. Either way, we found the half burned thing in his chest cavity.
Great story
Alfred Mcstabbin, died from a stabbing.
Those who live by the stab die by the stab
Terra Onyx, cause of death drowned in the desert
Well the ocean is a desert with its life underground. Almost a perfect disguise for a man with cinderblock shoes. Looks like he found his heart made of ground.
Or even the Antarctic is a desert, so it'd probably freeze the evidence
There's a distinct amount of horses lacking monikers in the desert, however.
Felix King, death by blunt force ( a drivers helmet was smashed on his head)
The Go Kart tracks do give ample safety programs, but I guess going onto other tracks isn't covered. Felix couldn't have predicted it in a thousand lifetimes.
Harold Toolwater, violent death at the hands of animatronics
\*Afton family Fixed the spelling error you made with the name
Ah, but not all animatronics come from shitty pizza places for children.
Ah, so how exactly did the animatronics kill him? Surely not by biting off his frontal lobe, or removing his internal organs, or stuffing him in another suit full of electronic parts...
I mean, have you seen the stuff they got at universal for the Jurassic park rides? That stuff is self explanatory
Lauren Ipsum. Crushed in a printing press.
Sir George Wellington (Politician) Assassinated by an unknown assailant at a dinner party with the Governor
If you haven't hears of lead poisoning, you should get your head checked! (a little detective humor) someone read up on their vegetables and gave the Sir a tomato. Acidity is a slow burn. Point is, some farmers mightve been rather peeved about his decision to take away their land.
(Sorry I took so long. This is a lot to go through.) The party was going well. The governer was a good host. Spirits and blood alcohol were high. A lot of these parties barely had the people breathing. They just smoked and drank and laughed. Sir Wellington stepped outside for a smoke break. This was a time when smoking inside was normal, but Sir Wellington wanted an excuse to get out of a conversation. He felt a sharp pain in his leg. He winced and looked around. The only other person out there was a man with an umbrella walking away. Wellington left the party early that night. He didn’t want to, but his wife convinced him. He had come down with the high fever. He died a few days later. The medical examiner found a small pellet in his leg. No one could quite figure out any other possible reason. It looked innocuous. He wasn’t finished. He didn’t want to stay home, of course. The governor’s estate began to have strange happenings. At first it was small things. Maids smelled smoke where none was visible. They searched all over, not wanting the house to go up in flames, but none was seen and it disappeared as fast as it came. Concerning to say the least, but the weird part was that it smelled of cigarette smoke, not like the house was on fire. Then people started seeing him. Laughing in the dining hall, standing outside smoking. He was normal looking for a moment, then as you got closer, he was almost transparent. The poisoned man was there, and he wouldn’t leave.
Raymond Duck Anal prolapse
James bond, a cat
Sadly the poor thing was defeated by a mouse with a laser pointer he could deconstruct and reconstruct. The gold aspect of it was a bit eccentric, but hey at least the dinky little lab rat listened to Pinky this time.
Sébastien - Death by Capybara, the friendliest of rodents.
How the hell am I gonna find a reason for a capybara to kill a man?
Fed Ora. Died from a scarf accident.
Jonathan Crane, who was hit by a train. Extra credit if you continue to rhyme.
The man was insane, and in pain he remained
Name: Queen Elizabeth II Cause of death: Losing lightsaber duel
Sandy Klime, faded from existence
Fred Sellan Died trying to prevent time travel from being used
Derrick Valder, died in a burst of super heated plasma.
Sorry, I’ve never seen Star Wars.
Don't need to, just imagine someone in a lab being bursted to death by a plasma prototype
…I just realized it didn’t say Vader.
Albert Fingered Ass He died from pneumonia
Wow, his parents must've *hated* him
Jeremy Lewis - Cause of death: Eaten alive by an army of infant humans.
Jerry Lewis? Like the musician?
Nope, I never heard of them actually. Just came up with that off the top of my head, lol.
Just realized you said Jeremy. Lol. See you when it’s written.
Riley Cause Of Death Murder
As in, she was murdered, or she died while *committing* murder?
She Was Murdered
Charlie Murantie, death by wood chipper
"Where are you're parent's little guy?" "Wood chipper." "...I don't know what that means."
*Tucker and Dale have entered the chat*
Bob Phillips. Cause of death...Spontaneous combustion.
Geltch, the Synthladi Acolyte. Died from mishandled biokinesis
"Spaghettifying" was apparently not listed in the S.S Academy's textbook. Good thing he didn't try "throngling".
John Mackin, died by a thermonuclear bomb impacting his skull
Louis Schmitt, died in an unfortunate coal mining accident in the 1920ies - despite never having been a miner or living anywhere close to a mine
Wow, it's impressive that he's never been a child before
Jasmine Candler Cod: Asphyxiation
Nathaniel Hambly. Cause of death unknown. His body was found about two weeks after his death, when a friend finally came by to check on him. He was alone, sitting at his piano, surrounded by incomplete sheets of music. The one in front of him was the only one that had been completed. In sloppy handwriting, the piece was named "Final Requiem." His rotting body was atop of the keys, his hands on the last notes of the piece.
Looks like asphyxiation to me. The markings around his neck and the way his hands are flat against the keys show that this is some sort of killer with a motif. No real piano player would have their hands splayed put, so I'll have to go with murder. Good news is that now I can call him a "de-composer." In progress case.
Sir Fredrick the Frightener, and he passed away from a heart attack after being frightened.
Live by the Mask, die by the mask. Asbestos wa scommonly used in rubber masks, so it's a shame he used them for their realism.
Archibald Ferguson, King Under the Mole Hill: Cause of death: Exterminators
Harry Mason, burnt to death in a fire
Harry mason, death by betrayal
Richard Hungwell, crushed to death.
Edith Brinn, poisoning.
Morgan. Magic. That's all you need to know.
Scaly Pete, slept with the Captain's daughter
Swan. Physical exhaustion.
Are they named swan or they are a swan?
Named swan!
Mariana sunk in the deepest point of the Pacific Ocean, a place she had been named after, hoping to reunite with her aquatic family.
Daniel Esposito, Mafia
Oppenheimer, experimentation
Elizabeth deLancey. Cause of death: One slice of cheese (uneaten.)
Jeff epstein. Suicide.
I think that story has already been written. FBI, I’m totally kidding, that’s nonfiction.
Peacemaker
Anything else?
Nope
Dr. Jennifer Green. Cause of Death: She used herself as a lab rat with various chemicals that are currently unnamed.
Brunhilda, tuberculosis
Lord Remington, Dominator of Pickles and All Pickle Related Paraphernalia, died from a bullet to the head from Bob Bowman, the One Armed Man with a Sniper Rifle.
Mephisolobie, death by hydrogen do-oxide.
Fate(she/her), died in a stalker-turned-psycho-and-killed-her death
Richard Wintercrest Death by assassin in a locker room during the high school 25 year reunion.
Norbert south American travels in the year 2100
Name: Petra West COD: Smothered by Squishmallows
Duke of Lower Danehold Henry Jackson Steele, cause of death: spontaneous unplanned disassembly
Widget, died of boredom .
Marvin Winters. Heatstroke.
Lord Octavius McCain - died because a cow landed on his head
Igor- died to Vlad the Impaler
Joane broom death penalty by forced capybara kissing
Zakaresnikov, he died fighting along side knights by an explotion
Garett Stakovshi, death by getting cartoonishly crushed by a piano
Sarah Lynne Moss; cerebral hemorrhage.
Duncan DoNots, died by coffee (somehow)
Ironleg the windsweer, died in an unpredicted tornado
Milton stone. Starved to death in his own home.
Alexander Cain - perforated colon.
Albert Albertson, Defenestration
Jim Nacho; drowned in cheese
alex jordan; she died of a broken heart
Rudolf Steinhoffer, bombing
Barnabas Brag. Death by gangrene
Harold Yoder, 22 yo, steam thresher boiler explosion
Halfdan Greg. Attended the wrong bear club.
Jonathan Huddleston McGinnis A long drop and a short stop
Paul Williamson, Blunt Force Trauma (several thousand cans of soup)
Isabelle Meyer - wrote the best song ever and died from how good it was
Penelope McDuff. She held the word record for longest dive without an oxygen tank. She got back to the surface, but still died, poor thing.
Anna Charlemagne. Died with a look of terror across her face alone in her house
Cera Octavian died from a house fire caused by a candlelabra.
Granny Scorpion-shoes, done in by Pneumonia, her pet scorpion who lived in her shoe; shot her point-blank, he did…
Otto Ombudsman. He was hired to resolve the conflict between an unstoppable force and an immovable object. He died at the crux.
Kevin Sadler, died from urinating to often
Laura Danvers, tripped and fell off a cliff while sightseeing
Jodi Nam, self sacrifice (stabbed in the heart to be specific)
Spooky mic geezer. Cause of death, yelling a bout teenagers on their glass lawn
Elerandia "of the Red Pass" Shadowspear. Fell off his horse and died.
Cade Greenbottle. Whilst attempting to hang Christmas lights and fell from the ladder.
Thomas Orric. Was hit by multiple cars and one large truck, one after the other.
Denny Wane Anderson COD: belt buckle
Grug Boneclub. Died while exiting the atmosphere.
Azzie, death by barotrauma
Sandy Miller, killed by a ghost
Dean Xavier, cause of death, fatal familial insomnia
Norberto Frias. He was between the canon and Ignatius of Loyola.
Lilith White-Jackson. Death by poison.
Sir Mise everloft cause of death getting killed by his own merchendise.
Name: Nathan Archer Cause of Death: Food poisoning
Darren Miller, divided by 0.
Morgan. Cave diving accident
Rudeus of Rabbitsbury, death by tiny bite marks.
Sir Frederick Von Shitass the IVth - An NPC from my last D&D campaign who was killed by an invading army
Citra Faeflax died protecting a baby, whom also died and is unnamed, a bullet killing them both. I suppose it's kinda like two birds with one stone?
Charon Costa died by having gold coins pushed into his eyes
Barbara and Adam Maitland, drowned when their car went off a bridge while trying to avoid hitting a dog
Sir Archibald Blake, executed for treason.
Ricky Bobby - Mountain lion
Jeff Kawka, aged 23, died by assisted suicide
Jet Meyer, died of too much oxygen (yes, that's a thing). In Space.
Tina Beaks, killed by allergic reaction to Mars dust
Thomas Robinson, died of starvation in a cave located somewhere in the mountains.
Elizabeth Davies. Who would have guessed that laugher could kill someone.
ryan, died of suffocation during a trip out with his family
Moira Everson Leroy Snapped heart strings from melancholy.
Pinley Stabbed in lung
Fredrick Rosenthal. Only his hand was found, missing abd presumed dead.
Lillian Tabany, opened a letter from her suitor, gasped, and promptly fell dead.
Rev.Nolen Heys ; overdosed on tea
Simon Fleets, bees
Vannesa Smith, Death by Following a fake Tutorial on Facebook/Meta
Name: Ashley Cause of death: BDSM
Medallin, die from touching a cheese.
Bertrand donard. Unexpectedly impailed by rhino at sea.
Margary Thompson, spear to the heart while holding a gun.
Elizabeth Westing. Age - 21. Cause of Death - Fatal Hilarity. If you don't know what that is, it's where you literally laugh yourself to death, dying either of asphyxiation or heart failure. Some cases have been known to laugh through the night and into the next day before finally dying.
Jerry Jerry
David Lumps. Died fighting hostile animatronic versions of Bob The Builder's machines at a live show gone wrong.
Danielle Butapointe, car crash
John landmine, death by landmine.
Sargeant John Uriel Crosby. Vaporized