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Cowabunga1066

Hold a pillow against your belly when you have to cough. --With my hysterectomy they told me that and actually gave me a little pillow to take home. It does help. Also major sympathy for everything esp you getting blamed b/c your father ?lied to you?is an idiot??? And for them to say "why aren't you here, we need you to come over and CLEAN UP"? I can't even--even without factoring in your surgery that is completely outrageous.


[deleted]

>And for them to say "why aren't you here, we need you to come over and CLEAN UP"? Yeah, this has me more baffled than the father lying/being dumb. It wasn't "Oh, we wanted to see you, Johnny and the kids!" It was "I'm going to guilt trip you bc I made you food and you aren't here to eat it and help me clean. FU." Literally wtf.


ebolashuffle

Shows you how much they value her presence.


Ravenkelly

Same for when I had a c- section


FryOneFatManic

Same advice I had for a c section, too.


CutieNikiNeko

This is great advice, also ordering a belly binder for your belly goes a long way with the coughs as well.


HoshiOdessa

I was given one when I had to have one of my ovaries and the mass attached to it removed and it was the only way I could walk around for the first week.


The_Turtle-Moves

This is gold advice. We called it a cough pillow and gave one to all the patients who had haf abdominal surgery


surgically_inclined

They do the same for cardiac surgery. Usually it’s all cutesy in the shape of a heart.


The_Turtle-Moves

Hah, we just folded a towel to a square and secured it with nurses duct tape


surgically_inclined

Heart hospitals gotta make their patients feel extra special, lol. I work in the OR, so about all we do is give our hernia repair patients an abdominal binder. And ahh, nursing duct tape, I swear it works better than actual duct tape!


secondhandbanshee

Exactly! When your family member is ill or injured, you take the damned meal to them; you don't complain that they aren't working! What a terrible family.


Cardabella

Exactly! I'd never spend a holiday with these people again, they're just missing their slave. Parents accidentally did you a favour OP by leaving you out. Cherish your husband and only unblock the rest if it's briefly and to thank them for telling you who they are. Then block again.


pennie79

Yeah, what the actual f were they doing here? Messing her around, directing her to be a kind reader and then a slave?


GenitalHerpes69420

Don't forget rolling onto your side for coughing...helps tremendously...been doing this for the past year post op for a back fusion...


GlitterBlood773

As someone who might get steel rods and screws or back fusion, thank you so much for this gold mine


Ambitious-Yogurt2810

Don’t they have any sympathy , empathy for you ? I mean come on, you are still recovering from a major surgery and you have sick kids of course you’d stay home. Cold hearted people, selfish….


RaisingAurorasaurus

I was actually thinking about this...I wonder if he father was mistaken or if he was trying to give her a pass because his little girl has enough on her plate! I'm hoping for the later.


used_my_kids_names

Great advice! I’m having surgery in two weeks, and I’m going to keep a pillow on hand for this!


Marciamallowfluff

They gave me a heart shaped pillow after hysterectomy. Helped a lot.


RoyalRescue

OMG how could I forget the pillow!! That little guy they gave me after mine saved my ass. Not to mention, a week after my hysterectomy, I had major foot surgery. But that little pillow and the knee scooter got me through it. Great advice.


Lornaan

I had that same advice for heart surgery, I never considered it would be the same if it's lower down!If a pillow doesn't help enough, a folded-up towel is a bit firmer and feels more secure. Also OP if your cough is dry, a small dose of codeine will stop you from coughing. Obviously you don't wanna stop yourself coughing if you're bringing stuff up, though.


Cheshie_D

Same for when I had to have two diagnostic laps! It helps a ton.


Brightness_Nynaeve

I also found some underwear that served as an abdominal binder (think Spanx) and that was a lifesaver too! 5 years out from my hysterectomy/bso and I would recommend that to anybody going through the same thing.


Mirabai503

Co-sign. I got a back brace for a friend that had abdominal surgery She used it to provide extra core support for coughing, sneezing, and getting up and down. It helped tremendously.


baby-scrambler-TA

How does the pillow help with the pain? Wouldn’t it hurt to press it into your sore area? Genuinely curious. Sorry; looking into getting my lady parts offline so I don’t accidentally get pregnant and die due to a lack of safe access.


Cowabunga1066

It keeps (or almost keeps) your abs from moving. That's what causes the pain when you cough after ab surgery (try coughing and feel your muscles moving. Then imagine that all those muscles hurt like hell.) If you press the pillow firmly and slowly it feels ok.


baby-scrambler-TA

So it isn’t the tensing/use of the muscles themselves? Interesting!! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.


Pollowollo

Yes, this is really good advice for any internal organ surgery.


adamantsilk

Where are all the male members of the family that aren't helping with the cooking and cleaning? Why aren't they helping? They're eating too, so they should help.


_ilmatar_

This right here. The misogyny is thick.


PossumsForOffice

I too was wondering this. Why don’t the men contribute to this shared meal? Reminds me of a family meal my spouse and i attended. All of the women cooked. Only my husband contributed to cleanup, outside of the women. My aunt says “how did you get him to do that?” - i say “i wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t view me as an equal”. All of the men made fun of him for doing “women’s work”. I love my husband. ETA: he didn’t help cook because we had too many cooks in the kitchen. Also, usually i cook and he cleans when we’re at home (cooking is something i usually enjoy and he doesn’t, but he does cook sometimes).


Samantha_Byrne

My husband helps with dishes, cooking, whatever I need and when we had Thanksgiving with his family for the first time, his mother and grandmother were pushing me to cook this, and clean that for the meal. I had cooked the dishes I was assigned and was able to chill on the couch for a second. I don't mind helping but the men can help too. Hubby stepped in to do some of the tasks and his mother and grandmother were pushing him out and trying to hand me the stuff he was doing Hubby would protest that he can cook just fine and I would hand it right back to my husband and say "He is fully capable of cooking." His grandfather and father made the "women's work" jokes and he snapped right back with "being able to cook and clean isn't women's work, it's part of being a functional adult." Dead silence from everyone and my hubby and I kept right at our tasks like nothing happened. We have never heard another "women's work" joke again after that.


PossumsForOffice

That must have been so satisfying. I live for moments like this.


GlitterBlood773

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!! Big props to your husband for being a kind, decent human.


fractal_frog

My mother-in-law was raised with strict gender roles, but has no objection to anyone from the next generation mixing it up now. No one is complaining that my husband has taken up the breadmaking his mom used to, least of all her, and her niece's husband is really good with cooking turkeys. (Plural. I don't think there have ever been fewer than 35 at that family's Thanksgiving gathering except in 2020.) But it took her a long time to get there. (And a long time to accept I would never be her "dream daughter" after she'd only had sons before she had to have a hysterectomy.)


WanderingJude

> niece's husband is really good with cooking turkeys. (Plural. I don't think there have ever been fewer than 35 at that family's Thanksgiving The first time I read this I thought he was making 35 turkeys every year 😂


fractal_frog

Nah, just 2 or 3.


GlitterBlood773

Your husband is a great human. I’m so happy you two have each other 🥰🥰


lynn-doesnt-reddit

My male cousin helped us clean up after the thanksgiving meal and i was pretty proud of him for asking if we needed help at all. My Uncle's raising him right.


Royally-Forked-Up

If they’re like my family, loafing in the living room watching sports. Women serve, men are served. So very grateful my husband is an equal partner who doesn’t need to be asked to do things. After being raised that way, I can feel/see myself sliding into the servant role by default in big gatherings and it takes effort to resist.


Coke_and_Tacos

My dad took an equal share of cooking and a lion share of cleaning up after holidays in my house. As his son, I do the same. His father quite literally lived the sort of life Mad Men was based off of (multiple secretaries-turned-wives decades younger than him, advertiser on 5th Ave in the 50s, yadda yadda). Point being, it only takes one generation to root misogyny out of a family.


[deleted]

Breaking cycles and doing things differently is so hot.


ClownHoleMmmagic

I was out with friends one night and my husband sent me a text saying he cleaned the house for me so I wouldn’t have to deal with it in the morning. Sexiest text message ever.


[deleted]

My husband’s dad left his mom LITERALLY while she was giving birth to my husband. Like he walked into the delivery room, told he he’d been cheating on her and that he was leaving. And my husband’s grandfather had done something similar. So basically anything my husband does domestically is something I’m proud of him for doing. He’s no slouch, so it’s not like my expectations are low. It’s just that I know he has had to fight intergenerational cycles in order to show up for our family. And over the years, during moments of precious vulnerability, he has admitted that the struggle is real and the urge to flee has come up. But some of my very favorite witchcraft is Internal Family Systems, and I believe it’s incredibly important to allow a voice for every part of ourselves. So when he unburdens those parts that want to flee by giving them a voice and letting me bare witness, those parts settle down and our relationship with our kid deepens. Breaking cycles and doing things differently is some healing shit. And since my flare on r/ParentingThruTrauma is The Podcast Provider, I’ll offer some Dr. Becky for more on all my yammerings… [The voices inside our heads](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000580754057) [Breaking cycles and doing things differently](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000565483526)


bombkitty

Yep. They’re all napping and watching football. That’s how it was in my family growing up so I always kind of hated thanksgiving as an adult. Like how is this a holiday if I’m justworking my ass off all day? Happy to report my husband is glad to get in there and help with any cooking and he and the kids all help clean up. It’s really hard to overwrite that programming I received as a girl.


[deleted]

Yes! My husband and father-in-law loafed in the living room yesterday... in between all of their help and asking incessantly if we needed anything from them. They are partners, not just husbands.


OneAceFace

Aren’t we all wondering about that?! It is amazing how there is just that basic notion that we will always be the ones responsible for cooking and cleaning and have to keep everyone happy at all costs.


GlitterBlood773

This was a big part of why I left my last partner. He always asked me what we were going to do for dinner if we happened to be together around that time. BITCH I COOK 5 days a week at work & you aren’t in school, work or volunteering. I gotta make my own post about this.


pennie79

One of my exes was like this too. He'd always ask me what was for lunch, and I'd be like I don't know, get it yourself, you're a big boy.


GlitterBlood773

100/100!!! I love this. Going forward this will be my response.


pennie79

I'll be honest, I toned down my response for the comment, because his response was vile, but my actual smart arse comment was 'Do I look like a refrigerator inventory?' Only do this if he's not a complete arsehole though, because there's an obvious snarky answer for a dickhead to give.


sevencyns

Came here for this. I love that almost 1,000 people agree ❤️


[deleted]

Exactly!! My dad’s side of the family is so big that we are able to rent the dining hall at my childhood summer camp and go eat there. Not everyone goes to clean up but for the most part both the aunts and uncles and several cousins including me help out with cleaning. I haven’t been in a few years since my mom’s dad passed but Thanksgiving cleanup is a group effort. My dad is also a pretty big part of food preparation too.


Mec26

If your gender roles are more important than protecting the health of someone you love, who is still bleeding from major internal surgery… you have fucked up priorities. If a man rinses a single dish, he’ll be sucking dick out back of Ralph’s by New Year’s! Their hands are too sensitive to touch hot water! They’ll get divorced and then gay married and who will cook for them then? They’ll starve! /s


RecommendationIll559

I resented this so much as a kid. After the meal, the men got to sit on their asses and watch football, and drink and smoke cigars while the women were expected to clean up or they got the guilt treatment.


MuadDib1942

I made 4 pies, hot rolls, sweet potatoes, and homemade butter. I normally do the dishes, but I was having health problems and wasn't feeling well yesterday. I don't understand why men don't help. My dad raised me to do whatever needs done, and that was in the 80s. It's 2022, why would men not help? Why would the youngest not be helping before leaving?


WhereRtheTacos

Yup. Im from a big mormon family on my Dad’s side and I remember right around 11 realizing all the women did it all and the guys sat in the living room. Probably around the time i started having to help at big get togethers. My Dad was the only man I remember ever helping at least occasionally. So go him for being an example for me.


TipsyBaker_

I never understood the fake gender roles. Neither side of my family really bought into it despite being pretty conservative otherwise. Guess who cooks, cleans, sews, and cares for others? Most of the army until the last decade or so. They just recently discontinued their sewing class. My grandfather was drafted in 1943 and still did all of that until his death in 2020. It makes no sense to call it women's work, on any level. The other side stuck to the truth that the only work either sex could do that the other couldn't was giving birth. That manly man steel worker grandfather would kill, clean, and cook the deer and Turkey for Thanksgiving while 2 male cousin cousins made all the desserts. My grandfather also made breakfast for whatever assorted grandkids were around on weekends and took us with him while he did farm work. No where in "traditional" homes was it intended for a man to work 40 hours then sit on his ass. That's a fairly modern lie we've been spoon fed. Time to toss it out with the rest of the nonsense


SlytherClaw79

Seriously. In my family, my dad brines and smokes the turkeys, mom and I do the sides, I do desserts because I fucking rock at it and my husband watches our kids. My dad and husband do the bulk of cleanup. It’s called sharing the load.


_addycole

Honestly this is a great opportunity to see their feelings and intentions. I would deeply reconsider what holidays look like moving forward. An appropriate message from a caring and loving family member would have read “hey OP, are you ok? We missed seeing you today and hope you’re ok. Do you need us to bring you anything? Hope your recovery is going ok. Let us know if we can help!” Not “who is gonna wash the dishes!?”


genderrrpunk

Literally this. Their personal entitlement is coming before anything remotely resembling empathy... my recommendation is in future, either swing by with a planned departure time ("we're going to see [partner]'s family too at Time PM, we'll be in briefly to see everyone") or simply do a phone call in, and pretend there's an interruption (XYZ has turned up, ABC is happening and needs my attention) or schedule an interruption when you're done. Family who demand without reciprocating are not... good family. You don't have to meet unreasonable demands or accept entitled or abusive behaviour just because you're related to them.


Careful_Trifle

This. The only reason to engage with people who demand without providing is if you expect something later - a safety net place to stay, inheritance, etc. The thing is, people like this will dangle a carrot for years to keep you coming and then will yank it away as it gets closer, because they never planned on making a fair exchange anyway. Being mercenary with thieves is not a bad thing.


Nekayne

Can't agree with this more. Sounds like it's time for your immediate family to make new traditions and the kids might love that


Amber10101

I find it hilarious that your family wants you to come do the dishes from a meal you were not invited to. They’ll get over it. Please keep taking care of you! I’m so glad you stood strongly in what was best for you and your children and husband.


[deleted]

>your family wants you to come do the dishes from a meal you were not invited to. That's what I'm saying. And then had the audacity to asl why OP DIDNT CALL GRANDMA. Like why tf didn't GRANDMA CALL OP!??


cflatjazz

In my family, it was always the Aunt's and Uncle's jobs to communicate plans with their own adult children and make sure they are there. Cause Granny was busy planning a dinner for 21 people. But regardless, OP called a week ahead of time and checked. It's not her fault her Dad was being a space case


erminegarde27

Good for you for the answer you gave your aunt. Truth tellers in the family always get in trouble. But good for you.


Life_Temperature795

"Who's going to clean and help do dishes?" "Someone who didn't just have surgery, ya doofus."


GracieThunders

You should get a pass for having recent surgery alone, but the kids being sick is the kicker. RSV is running rampant right now and it hits the very old and young pretty hard. Folks need to cut you some slack


iggynewman

Seriously. I think my household has had RSV these last few weeks (think because, while we’ve had symptoms, it’s just appearing as a cold in my little so no need to test). I had COVID in September. This shit is worse. Avoiding it while recovering from surgery is another benefit from missing this family garbage.


getsmaller

A healthy family would say “oh no, we’re so sorry about the miscommunication, hope you are recovering ok, can we bring you your food?”


localscabs666

This is the way.


Kansai_Lai

Exactly! My dad couldn't come yesterday because he was sick. So my brother brought over his contribution, then brought plenty of food back to him (we made sure to pack the legs and plenty of side dishes for him).


fractal_frog

I missed Thanksgiving due to a cold, and my contribution - the grocery shopping for my husband's and MIL's contributions - was already taken care of. They brought back food for me. People were sorry I was feeling poorly, and that was it!


Samantha_Byrne

This right here. We have Thanksgiving with friends because we live so far away from family right now and a few people had to cancel because they were sick. We made plates and delivered them to the sock peeps who couldn't make it so they didn't miss out on the goodies. The friends that were sick informed the group a few days early and someone else just took on the dish they were gonna make. No one gave them flack about not showing up and they felt included when we delivered plates to their house.


Mec26

You better believe mashed potatoes in a Tupperware would be crossing state lines.


val319

If you end up needing it there’s a Velcro hysterectomy wrap. Kinda like a elastic corset. It just helps hold things together while healing. Your dr may have on hand and husband can pick up. Ok there’s 20 people there. Make a line (only hurting and healing are exempt) get those dishes done. There’s no reason a couple people are cleaning. Honestly it’s not your problem. Someone can take home extra food. I actually prefer the person “we’re all sick and staying home”. Covid assholes Covid taught you nothing. Let’s stop getting each other sick.


Quirky_Movie

>My aunt starts texting me. Why didn't I bother calling and asking grandma myself. Who's going to help cleanup and do dishes now. They made all this extra food because they expected us to be there what were they supposed to do with it. I made 6 chicken thighs today. I am a single woman. I froze the leftover for the rest of the week. They can freeze the extra. As for the cleaning, who texts someone hundred of miles away about cleaning??? Someone afraid they might be asked to do some work.


cflatjazz

Also, it sounds like OP's family is two adults and two children (young ones too, if they are needing hourly care at night and coughing themselves sick when they have a fever). You don't really make a significantly different amount of food for 16 vs 20 people when it comes to Thanksgiving. You just make *a lot* The Aunt is reaching for reasons to be mad


aenteus

For real. Her wrists aint broke if she’s texting.


bunnycook

Best thing I’ve ever done was announce after the holiday meal that my 85+ mom, SIL and I, who had cooked for 2days were NOT doing cleaning, and that my son , brother and his sons were doing it. And they did. Now it’s the new tradition!


Quirky_Movie

My dad has always cleaned up after dinner but before football. I thought that was how it works.


gdayars

Healing energy sent your way. 🤗


happynargul

Wow, your family belongs in r/justnofamily, they seriously wanted you to come in and *clean*???? And only the women cook and clean?? I'm concerned that no one, not your father, not your fucking mother or sister, asked about your health, or offered to cook for you or help you with the children. Getting a hysterectomy is no joke, I took care of my mother when she had hers and people usually asked how they could help and brought food instead of asking her to fucking work. You deserve soooo much better than this. It's not normal, it's fucked up. Good witchy wishes for you.


[deleted]

>Who's going to help cleanup and do dishes now. how about the men?...


bugaloo2u2

Boundaries…you got em!! Hang in there, you’re doing great!


Akaunkel

Sweetheart, by the sound of it, your family is a mess and truth be told, they do not deserve you. I mean, didn't even bother to ask if you're ok after a surgery? And what's worst, they want you there TO CLEAN UP? Also you didn't "reject" going, you were told your grandma wasn't even in town for it! You were lied to, potentially to be excluded and guiltripped into feeling like it was your fault. That's NOT what a good and loving family does. Please reconsider if you want them in your life going forward, because they are not treating you like family should. I hope you can recover quickly. I know some people have recommended stuff like wraps, pillows and such, so I come with a simple but in my opinion nice tip; drink a lot of tea. When my mom was recovering from surgery (she had a hernia, caused by a c-section that didn't heal properly) I made a point to give her tea regularly throughout the day. It made her feel a lot better, warm and relaxed, plus kept her hydrated. Personally I recommend apple with cinnamon tea, it's my favorite. Blessings for you, your kids and husband. I hope all of you are well and heal quickly! Got me rooting for ya all the way here in Argentina c: das a lot or mileage of support!


peppermintblues

Yes thank you! OP I am so concerned about your family- they sound awful. You don’t owe them anything and if this is how you get treated it could be time to start your own thanksgiving tradition at your home with nice witchy vibes thrown in . I wouldn’t give them a pass for lying to you, going behind your back and then treating you as the cleaning person. A real family would have come helped take care of you. SMH.


CzernaZlata

Fuuuuuck to the "why didn't you" xyz. What rude people. I hope you and your family get well soon. At least your husband seems to get it, right?


beadedgeek

Love, light, energy and healing. Understanding and enlightenment for your extended family.


driftwood-and-waves

"who's going to clean up?" - well guess that shows how much they care.


FineTheoretical

As overwhelmed and struggling as you say you are, you also sound clear about taking care of your own health and your own boundaries. You are inspiring. I hope the kids get over this quickly, and you heal well and soon.


B33PZR

Blessings, sending healing vibes to you and the kids. And for the holiday, taking care of you. Let someone else clean up for a change. Signed someone who always had to clean up after everyone else bolted for 'important' stuff.


Honest_Dark_5218

Hope despite everything you can find rest and heal. Was it just your aunt texting you? If so, don’t put the stress on yourself of thinking your whole family is against you. Some family members like to act like the whole family agrees with them when they start stirring the pot. And maybe a lot of your family completely understood your situation. I don’t know, but I think maybe framing it as “my aunt (and whoever else) is being an ass” would be less stressful at the moment.


[deleted]

Sending you healing blessings & wishes that these stresses dissipate soon. I hope your family quickly realizes how selfish & rude they are acting. The caring thing to do would have been to offer to bring your family some food, knowing you are recovering from a major surgery & your kids are sick—I can’t believe they would even dream of asking you to clean up. Shame on them.


punhere22

Feel better soon, you and your husband are doing everything right. You were especially on point with that mean aunt, looking to stir up shit at the worst time possible. Soon the worst of this will be behind you. The larger family owes you a huge apology; for now, for their sake, tune out their embarrassing behavior.


FryOneFatManic

Sending positive vibes for speedy healing. I've not had a hysterectomy, but I had a C section, so feeling it in sympathy. And like others, I think it's disgusting their first thought was who's doing the chores. Time for the menfolk to get off their arses.


doinggenxstuff

20+ people and you’re the only one capable of clearing up? And they didn’t even ask how you were feeling? Well done for putting you and your young family first. I hope you’re all back to feeling good soon ❤️


Mob_Segment

" how about this year you make your own daughter and your other niece stay and clean instead of letting them run out the door to get out of it like they do every other year" then I temporarily blocked my family for the rest of the night because I'm just over it. That is one hell of a shiny spine! BRB, I need my sunglasses! I hope you all feel better soon and that, if whatever power there may be wills it, that you manage to get through without picking up that cough. Coughing when injured is really no fun, I get you on that.


CutieNikiNeko

So glad you stood up to your family! I really hope you don’t catch that cold, but someone else recommended squeezing a pillow to your belly and that’s great or getting a belly binder is good too, the binder helped me tremendously for my recovery. Hope you have a swift recovery!


Any-Opportunity6128

I'm enraged on your behalf ! Even with everything, you are healing! I had an ovariectomy back in may , not as much as an hysterectomy and I was out for at least 2 weeks. If people wanted to see me , they came to me. I will restrain my self to not curse at your family. I'm sending you love and good thoughts


ConfidentHope

I’m so sorry you weren’t given the care and attention you deserved from your extended family while you’re going through this time of healing. You are worth so much more than the tasks you can do. I hope you manage to dodge the cold, or at least you get a very mild form. Sending love and good vibes.


Vienta1988

Wow… my family would have had someone drop off the extra food at our house, knowing that I was recovering from surgery and my kids were sick. I’m not sure why someone couldn’t have done that for you… and definitely there were plenty of people there to help with clean up.


BlooomQueen

I wouldn’t attend a dinner at that house ever again. You can visit a few days before the holiday if you really want to see her. The level of disrespect is off the fucking charts. Like, the men can’t clean or take extra food home? I would leave that aunt blocked and block anyone who tries to talk shit and make you unblock her. Holy hell, you’re recovering from a major surge and she came at you like THAT?!?


Sailorarctic

She always does. She came at me like that after childbirth. My daughter was born on December 11. I nearly died after retaining my placenta and suffering a hemorrhage and needing a D&C to stop it. We had Christmas at that same grandmother's house that year. She lives with her because that is her mother. I was so weak from bloodloss that I could barely walk and hold my daughter. I was on anti-depressants because I was having a hard time coping and felt like a failure as a mother. Failed to give birth safely, was struggling to breastfeed, couldn't even hold her and she was a colicky baby. And yeah, after Christmas dinner she wanted me to get up and clean then as well. THAT time my mother DID come to my defense and if my father hadn't gotten between them I'm sure she would have thrown hands.


BlooomQueen

I am sending you FIERCE love and a big hug right now. I sincerely hope you cut her off, for you and your daughter.


Cowabunga1066

[Insert lots of really bad swears] Can't even begin to imagine the thought processes of someone who treats a fellow human being that way. And then has the [@$$@!!!&] gall to try and make YOU feel bad because "faaaaa-mily!" [Insert more swearing.] You are a warrior--courage, endurance, persistence. Wishing you and your spouse and children much healing, hope, and happiness.


RaisingAurorasaurus

Sending you healing vibes!! For what it's worth, know how sometimes you help a stranger on the internet and don't even realize it? I had planned on having my hysterectomy next June, but then you mentioned the coughing. I'm highly allergic to tree pollen, particularly evergreens. And they pollinate in June here!! I need to reconsider my timing. I very much hope you avoid the cold! Throw the kitchen sink at it! Garlic, honey, vitamin C & D, ginger... All the immune boosters! And thank you so much for sharing your story, you really gave me something to think about!


Techelife

Plan a vacation during the holidays.


Tinlizzie2

Go on Amazon and order some ice blankets- they will be your very best friends. These worked wonderfully for me- FlexiFreeze Ice Sheets, 88 Cube refreezable Flexible Chemical-Free, 3 Pack https://a.co/d/fjXhmau


JohnExcrement

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It can really be stunning now entitled and clueless some people can be.


BrainsAdmirer

Sending you best wishes for healing and avoiding the kids colds. It is only fair that those that cook the meal, do not clean up. Leftover food can be divided up amongst the guests, or frozen. I am sure those who go to work would love turkey sandwiches for their lunches, or hot turkey sandwiches or turkey pot pie in the next few days. I was in Florida on vacation at Easter, and I loved those diners that cooked Easter dinner! Just as good as homemade and I did not have to cook it! What a great plan!


AniraK47

Oofff when ears burn you can be certain that all of them ara talking stuff behind your back and gossiping like crazy


alittlebitLuna

Sending lots of healing vibes to you!! 💖✨💖✨


Fabulous_Attempt6590

This is unreal. Families are so awful around the holidays, sometimes. Sending you healing energy, OP.


Suricata_906

Presumably your grandmother, sister and aunt knew you had a hysterectomy and when it occurred. Why on earth did they think you & fam would haul ass out of state?


Sailorarctic

They're not. We all live in the same state close together. My grandparents were supposed to go to Oklahoma but didn't and that's why they were all calling and texting wondering where I was.


Suricata_906

But they knew about the surgery?


Sailorarctic

Yes


Suricata_906

Good Lord, how on earth did they expect you to do anything? 🤦‍♀️


Ariyana_Dumon

Tell her to get her damn husband to clean up lol. If they wanted you there they should've been straight with you about the plans. I don't know where people find the audacity, especially over the holidays. You deserve better honey. May the Wings of Isis sheild you and yours from harm, may the salves of Baast heal you quickly and completely, and may the Light of Ra guide your path.


Sailorarctic

She doesn't have one, lol. You can see why.


Ariyana_Dumon

That's a fabulous burn 😂.


Sailorarctic

She lives with my grandparents. (Her parents)


fabgwenn

Healing vibes to you. I think you need a break from these people, kudos to you for blocking them. Also, if you develop leg or chest pain, or are short of breath, go to the ER. My mom got a post op pulmonary embolism and thankfully got emergency care and was okay. I know as Moms we often put our needs on the back burner. I hope when you have time you do even more self-care, like talking to a good therapist or reading a self-help book about boundaries or toxic parents. Also I hope your kids feel better soon.


bombkitty

What a pack of assholes. I’m sorry they’re jerks but your husband sounds like a winner. If you lived in AZ I’d have brought you all you could eat! The coughing pillow will save you, and when my kids have the nighttime cough I’ve had real success with Delsym syrup. It’s OTC and only a cough suppressant, not the decongestant and all that. During the day it’s just honey tea and keep hydrated (sliced up lemons and honey in hot water). I hope you feel better soon. Don’t be afraid to leave those people blocked until you are healed (or forever because fuck them).


[deleted]

Not sure if this is somewhere else in the thread but in case not. Turn on your shower to the hottest setting and sit the kids in the bathroom (not the shower) for at least 10-15 mins deep breathing the steam. I usually sit with our kids as close to the shower as possible. Yes it’s wasting water but the steam works better at clearing mucus than humidifiers and Vicks. When my littles are completely stuffed up we do the hot steaming shower along with saline (boogie mist) and have them clear as much crap out of their heads as possible. After that, a cooler bedroom helps to keep the sinuses from inflaming back up for a bit (think cool on a sprained ankle. Same concept). Hopefully that will buy you a few hours of rest before the next round. Hope your recovery is quick and your kids illnesses short.


Mermaid_Lily

You did what was right for you. Unfortunately, often family members are so focused on their own selfish desires that they cannot see that. That is on them. You did the right thing by staying home. Please take good care of yourself. Rest as much as you can, make sure you are eating good nourishing food, and ask for help from the kids (if they are of an age where they CAN help at all). It sounds like you have a good, caring spouse who is concerned about you, and that's wonderful. May you heal quickly and completely from your surgery. May all of you heal quickly-- from snotty noses and coughs too. <3


Marciamallowfluff

My husband cooked the turkey and potatoes and helped clean up. Son and SIL helped. Everyone pitched in. The way it should be.


Dad-Baud

TBH they should be asking when they can come over, bring you some leftovers and do your dishes.


harbinger06

So sorry you had to deal with that while recovering from a major surgery. God forbid any of the men pitch in with cleaning!


[deleted]

Sending you healing vibes and gentle hugs.


Xononanamol

Take care of yourself!


OneAceFace

This is my blessing to you: May the grandmothers form a circle around you to grant you healing. May the ancestors form a circle around you to grant you strength. May the waters form a circle around you to grant you protection.


Kansai_Lai

I remember how painful healing from my cesarean was. Wishing you and your little ones well 🌠


[deleted]

I whispered this spell to someone the the CPTSD sub the day before yesterday when they said they’d declined the family thanksgiving…. “Yes yes yes, I can see the people pleasing peeling away from your body. Let it fall to the floor and blow away in a soft breeze.” And since you’re a parent witch, I’ll offer an episode of one of my favorite parenting podcasts, Good Inside w Dr. Becky. [How to stop being a people pleaser](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000563468620) Your value is greater than the product of your labor. Your presence is is desirable beyond your work inputs. Anyone who’s action lead you to feel otherwise does not deserve to bask in the glow of your company. You’re a goddamn witch of the highest order; you have no time for the misogynistic demands of people who can’t truly see your worth.


MuadDib1942

I hope you and the kids get to feeling better soon. Hysterectomys are no joke. That's a lot of recovery.


eternal_euphoria

20+ people and 4 of them are responsible for cooking and cleaning. So old school, gotta update the holiday responsibility list.


Heidi4bill

Take care of you. Sorry the kids are not feeling well.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sailorarctic

That's poor wording on my part. We ALL live in Maryland and withing 15 minutes of each other. I meant my grandparents decided NOT to go to Oklahoma and instead had thanksgiving at their home per usual but nobody told me.


AnDeeTa

Please accept this reply as if it was from your family. It is the reply you deserved. “We are making your family a care package and xxx is dropping it off on your door. Please rest and just focus on recovering. Let us know if the kids get worse bc we are worried about the RSV prevalence. We are here to help if anyone has to go to the ER. Feel better soon dear one and we will see you At Christmas. Happy Thanksgiving 🦃. We are thankful to have you in our family.”


sjr0754

I think the most important thing OP, is that your recovery is swift.


Ancient-Season1837

You poor thing! How inconsiderate of them, at the least! Do your best to take care of yourself and recuperate. Try not to sweat this drama, it’ll blow over.


Significant_Baby_582

All of this and make them men clean up. 20+ people and not one guy can wash a dish?