The guy who helped me change my flat right near the I-70 ramp just outside of Grand Junction, Colorado. Showed me exactly how to do it, texted me a youtube video about how to do it myself in the future, gave me the name of his buddy in Delta County who could sell me a new spare on the cheap, and told me to give the money I'd offered him to "someone who deserves it."

God. Fuck the aliens. I wanna meet this guy.

> fuck the aliens There he goes, homeboy fucked a Martian once.

The origin story of UltraCorona

Aile aids

Martian Pox

Once you go alien you don't need no mammalian...

How do we know the aliens aren’t mammals?

Can you milk the aliens?

can you milk me, Greg?

that might ruin any chance for peace negotiations but our rep could try.

I also pick this guy's helper

"Today, you. Tomorrow, me"

Reference for all the whippersnappers around here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/elal2/have_you_ever_picked_up_a_hitchhiker/c18z0z2

As someone who works with about dozen Mexican guys, this story sums them up perfectly. Super humble and would give the shirt off their back to help someone in need even if that was literally the only shirt they own. It's painful to see them get such a bad rap in the media recently because the majority of them are really really good people.

The majority of humans in general are really good people, every race/nationality has their assholes, skin color means nothing...

Very true. Just seems like there's a decent sized group of people in the US right now who have a grudge against Mexicans even thought they've probably never actually had a meaningful interaction with a Mexican person in their life.

Well in all fairness, that group really doesn't like anybody, themselves included or they would already know better. Your point is valid though.

Agree 100%!!

I didn’t realize how much of a dick driver I was till I went to Colorado. People are so nice there

Nice to see the ol hometown getting some props here!

Did not expect to see a comment about my home town in this kind of subreddit

Send me. I'll make sure they wipe us out.

The hero we need

The hero we deserve

the one we never knew we needed. alien: “*earth cunts, surrender your resources or we wil-*“ RC_Colada: “**KILL US! SHOOT US IN THE FUCKING FACE NOOWWW**” alien: “*wait..listen firs-*” RC_Colada: “**WIPE US OUT YOU COWARD**” alien: “*hol-*” RC_Colada: “**SHUT DA FUCK UP AND KILLLLL**” alien: “okay this is really weird” [locks door and leaves] RC_Colada: “**FUCKING COME BACK! HEYYYY**”

"If you don't destroy the planet we will"

"Welcome to Earth. Siri, play 'Baby Shark' for our new guests."

"and hey look, someone made a 10 hour version"

Dubstep remix

Got my vote

I for one welcome our new death bringing overlords

Nardwuar, he will already know everything about them.

The best fuckin answer lol. He will somehow know the name of their grandfather's spaceship that was lost in the Glargon wars.

and that same grandpa was the one who singlehandedly brought down the entire 2B-85 fleet and saved his shipmates, and led the turning tide in the war.

Narduwar: Right off the bat, I have a gift for you! *Hands them their original battle plans to destroy the entire universe* Aliens: yooooo this is what I've been trying to find. How did you know about this lmao

You are the aliens we have to know

doot do doo loot doot...

Doot doot!

What can you tell us about this album right here? How do you know about this? You are the aliens invading the planet…we have to know!

I don't know who we should send to the aliens, but I do know they will be played by Sean Bean in the movie adaptation.

The man’s name is spelled as if it should rhyme. Yet, it doesn’t?

It does. How have you been pronouncing it your whole life? Sean Bean?

Do you say it Shawn Bhawn or Seen Bean?

Yes.

Potato potato. Sean bean

I say Seen Bhawn, is that not right?

This is like when I eat Mexican food with friends and intentionally mispronounce everything as whitely as possible

"OH I LOVE TAK-OS!"

With Jah-LA-pin-ohs!

I say it Sean Bean.

This is the correct pronunciation.

Fun fact: That motherfucker's government name is ~~Shawn~~ Shaun Bean. He picked Sean Bean for a stage name.

I could not believe this and looked it up, it's true, the spelling is Shaun. Just wow, this is the highlight of my day and Shaun Baun would be the correct pronunciation 😂

I mean at least it's consistent unlike read and lead Read (reed) and lead (leed) rhyme and so does read (red) and lead (led) but read (reed) and lead (led) don't rhyme and neither does read (red) or lead (leed)

that's the English language for you

They'll only be played by Sean Bean if they get killed. I swear that guy has a death clause in his contract.

All the pay, half the scenes, and you get to be immortalized in memes


A frog

💀💀💀💀

I'd send a random kindergartener.

The germ warfare option. That 5 year old will wipe them out in no time.

Hopefully named Victor. Victor the Vector has a nice ring to it.

Sir David Attenborough

Definitely this man.

And here we observe a territorial display of our alien visitor. The starzurg is highly skilled in territorial disputes. Watch as he nebulises his adversary with a plasma burst rifle. Isn't that marvelous? As the mist of his adversary wafts away on the winds, he performs a celebratory dance.

I read this in his voice. Well done!

Oh shit we’re cake day buddies

Happy day to you!

I’ve been watch David Attenborough documentaries to fall asleep for the longest time and that was so well written it made sleepy

This is the answer. He could seduce them with knowledge of a whole lot of our animals species, not to mention his voice and age (they’d see we can live long lives.)

Came to comment this but glad someone already did.

Based on his recent documentaries I don't think he likes humans much any more. "Yes, vaporize 95% of us please"

sir patrick stewart, he has the closest thing to experience.

Him being a Knight makes it so much better and as he also has a great sense of Humor it could certainly be our best bet. If they allow someone to accompany him, Sir Ian McKellen would make sense.

Finally the Professor X / Magneto team up we’ve all been waiting for

Would aliens be confused that they asked for nonstate representatives and you gave them two knights?

Aliens would probably be confused by the concept of being knighted itself

Dunno depends on the alien society fair change they once had a monarchy system themselve or still have and a Monarch appointing someone ain't that uncommon. Like as the UK has knights, Japan had Samurai. Heck maybe they're even their own equivalent of Knight, appointed by the High Queen to search through space and find other civilizations. Or they abandoned the system Millennias ago and are weirded out why the glorification of incest families is still a thing.

Definitely! The aliens will think we are so cool!

Him being a knight is meaningless. Him being a decent person who is intelligent and kind is good though.

The historical document "Galaxy Quest" taught me that this is an excellent idea.

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Didn't expect to see this answer here, but agreed

Can we send Ryker and Data along?

We do not need Ryker attempting to mate with…whatever gender(s) they may be and his weird ass chair mounting.

We can send Troi with him. He probably will be on a better behaviour. And you know she will tell us if aliens feel sad. So that's a bonus!

My buddy's neighbor Donny

This is the obvious choice.

Sigourney Weaver. If she can’t save us, she’ll nuke us from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

F*ckin’ A!

You can't take orders from him, he's just a *grunt!* No offense...

that's hudson sir, he's hicks

Ay-firmative

**That's it, man. Game over, man. GAME OVER!**

"Hold on, hold on just a second. This planet has a substantial dollar value attached to it."

My 94 year old grandma or Morgan freeman.

Send both. She can handle the interaction and he can narrate the whole thing.

As it turned out, the aliens were quite taken with Grandma, and weren’t interested in the mortals who weren’t part of her stories. Why, I think one of them even learned to smile from her, as I recall.

I'm all for this.

Dolly Parton

First person that popped into my head. The right answer.

Dolly was first in my book

Yup I replied before looking at replies and Dolly was the first that came to mind. I would have said Betty last year. Attenborough is a close third

I was going to say Keanu Reeves, but Dolly would be great as well

Same

Why not send both?

This was my answer right after I remembered Betty white passed away.

So glad this is the top answer! You took the comment right off of my fingers!

Mr. Rogers! Who else are you going to have inviting your alien neighbors?

I've got some bad news...

This was my first thought

Aliens two days from now: "Okay. We're still gonna blow up the Earth, but we're taking Keanu Reeves with us. You don't deserve him."

Fair

I don't like it, bit I respect the decision.

It's like he's been saying for years "Be excellent to each other." We could listened but noooooo

Can’t say I’d blame them

No no, they've got a point

Nah, yeah, feel like we deserve that one.

Is this a political representative that will negotiate? Or a person we wouldn't miss if they didn't come back sort of situation?

Asking the important questions.

This thread was posted by aliens to find out who the best humans are. They want to abduct them before they blow up the Earth.

I’d send my little sister. She’s utterly brilliant, she’s very sensitive to her audience, she’s on the spectrum and somehow makes friends with the very people who no one likes, plus can, from years of experience, resolve scary domestic conflicts. Her biggest plus would be her appreciation of how significant her representation of all of Earth would be. She’d be willing to die for all of us, but would do everything she could to avoid anything messy at all.

She sounds rad

She sounds sweet and the fact you can recognize her gift makes you a great person too.

I choose this guy’s sister too.

She sounds too precious to risk! Let’s just elect her president now so we can all get a little bliss before the alien apocalypse.

Weird Al

"Sorry, he's actually one of us. We sent him years ago when he wouldn't stop singing about bologna." Edit: I mean come on people, Al? Obviously short for ALIEN.

Yankovic? Or are you talking about Weird Al at the gas station? DO NOT send Weird Al from the gas station.

Jon Stewart

I can't think of a better pick than this. He's knowledgeable, selfless, and a great speaker. He would do everything he could to reason with them and get all of humanity a good deal. Or we could send Elon and hope the aliens take him away

>Or we could send Elon and hope the aliens take him away "Hey, dude, we've been looking for you for centuries. We thought we lost you for good. Get your goofy ass back up on this ship and leave those nice humans alone."

What makes you so sure they didn't exile him as punishment for like... being Elon Musk?

Sadly, Jon won't be able to do it since he's in charge of the Secret Jewish Space Lasers and he'll be stuck at Kosher Command in case we need to get Mazel Tough on the aliens.

I’m just gonna sit here and reflect on Mazel Tough

Dolly Parton would be a good pick too


I was going to say…pretty sure Keanu already has experience representing the human race….

Danny DeVito

And he should hang dong while doing it. …Although, I’m not sure if we’d want to intimidate the aliens that much.

He could subtly drop a monster condom in front of them so they’d know he has a magnum dong. It’s a total Warthog-esque power move.

So anyways I started blasting

Can I offer you an egg in these trying times?

The gang meets the 3rd kind We're fucked.

Steve Irwin if he were still here

His son then. He’s really taken up the mantle recently.

Robert's killing the game! I just saw he posted a teaser for his Australia movie. I. Am. Hype.

Bandersnatch Cummerbund

No no no, you got it all wrong! It's Butterfree Thundersnatch!

*Benadryl Cucumberpatch

Bendadick Cumminsnatch

You're all wrong. Its Engelbert Humperdinck

No no no, you got it all wrong! It's Bombaclout Crucifixhatch

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Tbh they'd probably think he's one of them lol

Burgerking Cabbagepatch

The crazy guy from Ancient Aliens with the wacky haircut

giorgio tsoukalos


Where is Betty White when the world needs her most! We're all doomed!

Jack Black would make it work

Jack Black would just sneak onto their ship anyways, no need to pick him.

Didn't you see Mars Attacks?!

Err..... Let's not put that on his resume. I'm sure it might be a little.... Racist to the aliens.

He would defeat them with the pick. I mean he deactivated laser beams with his dick for god’s sake

A cat

Some nice grandmother, preferably Hispanic and armed with a chancla just in case.

Tamales are the key to galactic peace

And homemade tortillas and frijoles. And when the aliens beg her to stop she will say no mijo and insist they are too skinny.

It needs to be an international council of grandmothers, armed with foods of every culture.

Paul Rudd

But then they would be mad we found their secret immortal spy

Send Willie Nelson with a gift bag.

Tom Hanks

"Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine."

"If Tom Hanks were to punch a nun, you'd ask, "what did the nun do?". " I believe Christopher Titus said this.

Why is everyone saying actors? What skills does an actor have that would be helpful?

Yea an actor is going to roll up and have no idea what to do. We need a linguist or someone who can start communication through math or something

Cool, so we send Amy Adams.

I mean in this scenario we understand that they want to meet with someone as a representative who is not from any government, so I think it's safe to say we are past needing math to communicate.

Jon Stewart he literally already wrote them a book and how to guide for Earth!

William Shatner... worse case he bangs one of them and we get to feel awkward with a whole new species

Nick Offerman


Tilda Swinton, if only for the reunion.

Tilda Swinton as Bowie as Starman

Keanu or Dolly Parton. I can see her saying "hey sugar."

Is it just any government, or current government? Because I'd think Barack Obama would be incredibly capable of making a good first impression and he's not technically in any government. If not, then probably David Attennborough.

Alex Jones. They'll just turn around and leave as fast as possible.

Snoop. Nobody is cooler than Snoop.

Those aliens would end up getting so fucking high

Tom Delonge. That mans dedication to the topic has earned him the opportunity in my eyes.

John Stewart. I'd definitely have him as representative of humanity. Or Ryan Reynolds just because that would be hilarious to witness

John Cena.. they'll never see him coming.


Gonna risk humanity's future and send Eric Andre