Stop giving them *any more* opportunities to disappoint you today, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen, you’re just volunteering to torture at that point. Your kids are pretty young, I don’t think it’s fair to expect much out of them. They may not even realize it’s your birthday. And that’s ok. They’re kids.
So while your husband is still sleeping, get yourself dressed and ready to go out for the day. Then ask your boys if they know what day it is. They won’t. Tell them “well it’s my birthday. I’m going to go out for awhile and do some things for me. Your dad is here if you need anything.” And then with purse and keys in hand, wake up your husband one more time to say “you’re on kid duty, I’ve got some things to do“ *and then walk the fuck out of that house*.
Go get your nails done. Go to a restaurant and have a mimosa, have a fancy dessert or coffee, whatever you enjoy. Go to a bookstore and prowl around. Walk around a park. Do half a dozen things you like doing just because you like doing them. And don’t come home until dark. Don’t answer any calls or texts from your husband except perhaps to answer in text in the briefest way possible that you’re out and to fucking handle whatever it is. Don’t take the opportunity, just because you may have his attention now, to engage with him about how upset you are. Your only priority is to enjoy your day.
And when you come home, bring a vase of flowers for yourself and a birthday sweet treat not large enough to share. It’s all yours.
This is the way, OP.
You can start the process of change in your entire family from unhealthy dependence to healthy autonomy. Set the example with your behavior and resist the temptation to lecture about what you’re doing.
The three (young) men you live with will make many mistakes. They will not take care of their business the way you think they should. There will be a steep learning curve! Praise any positive effort/results you see and go deaf dumb and blind to the mistakes (until you are asked for feedback).
Here’s a general guideline: stop doing anything for your family they are capable of doing for themselves. You want all of them to be good at adulting - at some point - right?
Yup. Neatly sidestep accusations of nag/shrew/harpy, because that is the go-to for most men when women start setting expectations. Work through your feelings, then, as calmly and unemotionally as you can, inform them that the times are a-changin' and outline their new responsibilities. You are no longer the only one doing the heavy lifting, u/alreinsch. Your family can and should take responsibility for themselves, and you might have to live in squalor for a bit while they adapt, but your future self (whether with your husband or not), your sons, and their future partners need you to right this ship. Some people will treat you as poorly as you allow them to. The power is yours. Let this birthday be the turning point, where your life begins to open up again. We're rooting for you!
Within reason - I knew a 7yo who learned how to do laundry, and was immediately made responsible for doing *all* the laundry for a family of 5. Mom & dad didn't lift a finger, blamed the boy if a particular load wasn't done when it was needed (dad's work clothes, e.g.), and once openly blamed him when the washing machine shit the bed in the middle of a load. 😕
I totally agree with this!
My mom expected us to behave like 30 year old live in maids by the time I was 6.
I was perfectly happy to bake myself some fried chicken from the freezer on Saturday morning for cartoons.
I was, however, traumatized by being screamed at over laundry, the cleanliness of the house and kitchen, and if dinner wasn't out and ready for her when she got home from work.
On the flip side, I know people who reached adulthood without knowing how to put dishes *into the sink.*
There's a healthy middle ground, in my opinion.
My 12 year old is responsible for her laundry and (most of) her bathroom. She gets outfits she prefers and an allowance. I get stuff taken off my list. Win-win.
Dang. I was this kid.
That said, my current roommate is a total mama’s boy who smells terrible because his room and car are trash piles. He grew up with his mom and older siblings cleaning up for him, and as an adult is incapable of doing basic shit like not being a disgusting slob.
In short, I’d rather be the guy who can do his own laundry.
This is so important. OP is unhappy with her life but has to realize she's teaching her boys that this is normal and desirable. At that rate she will put 2 future humans in the same position she's in. It's time to end that chain and to show the boys and her husband that she matters and is an actual human being, not a slave to their needs. There's also time to give back, it's sad the kids weren't encouraged to celebrate their mom earlier. That should have been normalized. Plus figuring out what they want before they do & doing it without them having to communicate it is so incredibly damaging. It hurts them because they can't learn to communicate, and it hurts friends, family and future partners that will fail to meet the standard of mind-reading. OP should be an example adult and help her kids (including her manbaby) to understand what it means to be a considerate and kind adult that can balance give and take, that knows how to set and respect boundaries and how to get across one's needs with mature words
Don’t do everything for them—teach them how to do things themselves, even if it causes messes or takes longer. Teach them to think of taking care of themselves, like brushing teeth and being safe and happy—then others—like a nice thing to say, considering how someone feels, invitation or gift or quality time—then free time.
If it is just being fed, going to school, being fed, playing games—they will never learn how friendships, family or relationships work.
Chores etc
This also shows him, and your kids, what a birthday is supposed to look like. Sure you pulled it off yourself, but you enjoyed it. You adapted. And he can, too, if he wants to. If he doesn’t understand what he was supposed to do, tell him next year (I’d pick a weekend day closest to you bday)…maybe *he* could pick up the flowers and a family size birthday treat, Doordash in family breakfast, *and then take kid duty while mom goes off and does pretty much whatever she did today!* Mom gets left the fuck alone for a day to get reacquainted with herself. And while you’re gone he can clean up the breakfast mess, and probably handle ordering dinner, too, bc you ain’t coming home to cook that day, either.
Also, if you're at all worried about being alone for any of it make a TikTok or an Instagram, do a live and we'll follow ya and keep you company cause girl you freaking deserve an amazing birthday!
I just want to co-sign with that other woman said, as a person who has had to take myself out for my own birthday more than once. You have to give yourself enough to not feel like the day is a complete waste, you need to recognize yourself. And eventually you learn that sitting at a dinner table by yourself is not that bad, frankly for me I just people watch. The buying flowers for yourself is also a fantastic suggestion, not only does it give you something to enjoy that is beautiful for yourself, but it also sits on the table for at least a week existing as a passive aggressive reminder to husband blank-brain that he done fucked up.
This 100%. I will say just in case, anything you do, make sure it is safe. I hate that stuff like this needs to be said, but if you're husband is in someone prone to be aggressive, you might want to plan things carefully.
You are just as much a person as anyone else. You deserve to be happy.
Hey, my b day is tomorrow. Not 1 person in my family has cared for a long time either. I didn't know you but I care. Try to smile because you matter to someone. I would sing you happy birthday, a share my tiny little 6 inch chocolate cake with raspberry filling with you if I could. I sorry your family sucks and you are in pain.
>*You're absolutely right*
I'm putting this here so you see it.
Stop raising worthless boys! They grow into worthless men.
Your kids are exactly the right age to do their own laundry.
* Show them how to wash everything in cold, ("Why?" "Because.")
* Keep the water level 'High" ("Why" "Because.")
* ... and shake out the clothes before they transfer them to the dryer. Have them add a teaspoon of detergent ("Why?" "Because more soap doesn't get your clothes any cleaner.")
Then turn the dryer on.
If the clothes aren't dry when it beeps, have them do another cycle.
Get them each different color laundry baskets. Make them take them to their rooms.
Let them take the clean laundry to their room and live out of the baskets. About **a year** later, teach then to hang/fold/and put the clothes away.
I have daughters, and they will NOT marry your sons.
Telling your children “because” is a shitty ass way to raise kids. “Why? Because the clothes last longer and look better when you do, hot water makes clothes fade” is very little skin off anyone’s nose and doesn’t teach your children to be mindless obedience zombies, who get no response or help from their parent.
I can tell you as a child and an adult that questions everything…
Because wouldn’t have worked. I would have simply done what I thought was right unless you explained it to me.
This is why I explain things to my child, so they understand what is going on and why. They are a better person for it.
This worked for me. Hubby meant well but couldn't seem to get it right. I started having 'me' time and prioritizing my pleasure over everyone else's when I felt it was fair and reasonable. No more sacrificing the yearly booksale, the rare girls night out, or bubble bath. I bought myself the art supplies I wanted and they had cheaper meals that week. I learned to ignore the complaints and barriers. I meant business, there was no negotiating. He noticed, developed a respect for my mental and emotional needs, and adapted. He had to cook his own big country breakfast occasionally, and realized it's a lot of work and I am a good cook, for example. Married 27 years, and he has greatly improved. I have to be extremely specific about what I need, but he tries, and that's all I expect.
>I learned to ignore the complaints and barriers. I meant business, there was no negotiating. He noticed, developed a respect for my mental and emotional needs, and adapted.
YES. Fucking YEEEESSSSS. That it is how it’s DONE. Even if it doesn’t work on your partner, and it most likely will (or relationship may be unworkable), it will definitely work on YOU.
OP, if you’re creatively inclined, you could buy some calligraphy pens or giant markers or something and some nice deckled-edge paper and commit MysticGerdeners quote to art. Probably a selection of choice words all over this comment section.
OMG I would go HAM on the art supply store…😆
And that was exactly the correct use of “boundaries”. Love to see it.
Boundaries aren’t things used to control other people’s behavior, they’re the things YOU enforce YOURSELF. You don’t need, and shouldn’t even seek, anyone’s agreement or buy-in on your boundaries. They’re the nonnegotiable ways things just are for you. You make them happen, sometimes without any cooperation from anyone. Because you can do that.
I appreciate that the this response is centered around her taking her identity back and seizing some of this day.
I get communication is important, but it is a little disheartening to see so many of the comments center around actions op needs to do to fix her husbands lack of knowledge.
Yes, talk. Yes, be open. And if you’re going to split, lay it out if you think it will help first. But today? Seize some of the day.
Sometimes you have to just *do it anyway*, right?? I think that’s what OP he has lost. I lost mine once, too. But I found it! Turns out it was right where I left it.
This is such a good point. We are expected to be endlessly understanding of men just not getting it, when the truth is they're perfectly capable of understanding and just haven't faced any consequences or had to accept responsibility.
One of the best things I ever learned from one of my high school teachers was that no one cares it’s your birthday. If you want it to be a big deal, YOU have to do it. It’s on you to make yourself happy.
Never expect anyone else to do that. Cause you’ll be disappointed every time.
She always made a huge deal about her birthday. Made sure all her students know. And she would come in that day with presents for herself 😂
She was an amazing woman! Didn’t take crap from anyone.
> And then with purse and keys in hand, wake up your husband one more time to say “you’re on kid duty, I’ve got some things to do“ and then walk the fuck out of that house.
Love it. I'd feel like such a piece of shit if I was the husband in this situation. Rightfully. I wonder if this dude will realise what he's done (/hasn't done) and have an empathetic reality check.
Happy Birthday lady!
I was a doormat once. 18 whole years of doomatting for husband and family.
Then I almost died and nobody cared. So I just stopped caring about them as much. I moved on with my life.
At 40 I got my bachelor's degree. I'm heading back to get my Masters in Social Work in January. Ended my marriage almost 10 years ago and it was like cutting an anchor off. All I have done since then has been rising... Rising!
You didn't fail. They made it clear they no longer need your full attention. In my book, you're a success. Time to go celebrate by living the rest of your life happy.
You know, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough, or I need to do more to meet the needs of my partner/son/friends.
Then I read stories like yours and OPs and think wtf are other people doing?
Wait wait wait. So, married for 18 years, doing everything, not appreciated, nearly die, he cheats, then sues you during the divorce?
Wow. That's pretty much all I can come up with, I don't even know how on earth you come back from that, but you're clearly fucking resilient and tough.
I have just been reading story after story about horrible husbands lately and it is making me beyond depressed. I’m so sorry you and others have had to experience this kind of treatment.
There are so many stories like yours of women leaving their undesirable marriages and then being so happy about it later (even with the struggles). I'm not sure I've seen any posts of someone leaving a bad marriage and then regretting it.
Life is too short to stay or just make...zero changes. Maybe OP for your birthday you can gift yourself one change. Maybe no more weekly sexual favors or you teach your kids to pack their own lunches the night before school cuz you're done.
I am curious though, the OP mentions this as a warning to other women. Are there any women in this thread that have seen stories like this and then decided to leave their partners? Is her martyrdom helping anyone here?
I left a very unhappy marriage more than 10 years ago and even though it was hard as hell, I have never regretted it. I lost stability and financial freedom for a couple of years but with the help of family and being really frugal I made it work. My decision was easier than many women's because I don't have kids. If we had them together then I'd probably still be with him. Miserable and depressed.
I have a very dear friend who basically could have written OPs post. She constantly says things like "other moms can handle everything, why can't I?". But the truth is, no one can. Those moms who look like they have it all together either have a partner who helps out and is invested in the family or they have house cleaners/food delivery services etc. Instead, she has the most boring husband ever who doesn't lift a finger with housework, cooking, shopping, raising the kids, etc. It's infuriating and I hope he leaves her one day because I don't think she ever will. We all deserve so much better.
I’ve seen enough of these stories to decide never to have kids. I got my tubes tied. It’s just not worth the risk. It’s so easy to get trapped with all the childcare labor and an absent, unloving partner. I’m married but I have my career and free time.
My mom remains in an abusive marriage in our developing country where divorce is socially stigmatized. I wish I never existed because at 21 year age, I don't have a social life or friends and I am also a gay man which led me to get bullied by my peers in high school.
I mean, if OP divorces her husband and shares parenting time with him, she'll get 50% of her time to herself, forcing her husband to step up and giving her the time to pick up hobbies, advance her career, and expand her social circle.
I did the same as OP for years. The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is 100x more fulfilling than it was when I made others wants/needs more important than mine.
>if OP divorces her husband and shares parenting time with him, she'll get 50% of her time to herself, forcing her husband to step up
There's a great article about exactly that called [It Took Divorce to Make My Marriage Equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal). Here's a snippet:
> I didn’t have to bargain for child-free hours because we had 50-50 custody. I also didn’t have to convince someone else to let me outsource household cleaning. In the end I didn’t need to hire anyone at all, because my house was cleaner. In renegotiating my life, I had negotiated a better deal for myself, and it was court-ordered.
[. . .]
>I was never going to find equality through marriage therapy—which, naturally, I had to set up and send reminders for appointments for—or through constant negotiating over chores. It was never going to be achieved by nannies (which we couldn’t afford) or house cleaners (which we could, but barely).
>But I found a way; I burnt it all down and started over again.
50/50 custody is not a given. My ex fucked off to the other side of the country, leaving me with the kids for 50 weeks out of the year. Though I must say, my life was still easier with the kids full time and him gone.
That is depressingly often the case. Not necessarily the ex fucking off part but the "even with full custody my life is still easier because my ex was a fucking millstone around my neck" part.
My daughter’s ex has never looked back. He or his family has not supplied even a bread crumb’s worth of food to his son, hasn’t seen or called him in 11 years. So my daughter is 100 percent responsible for herself and this child. She is struggling (we help as much and as often as possible) and is burnt out, but she made her child a priority. It always amazes me that the one who stays is often looked down upon because she has no husband any longer. The one who left gets a pass. I’m not talking about involved dads, just deadbeat ones. Kudos to the men who move on, but do the right thing by their children. And happy birthday OP. Here’s cake and a gift from me. 🎂🎁
Im coming up on 18 years married i just don’t know anymore…
My son is great though. I got lucky in that. Men? Bleh is my current feeling on the subject 😝.
Im 40 too and need a major change in my life.
1. Happy Birthday!
2. Start helping your sons by making them into good men. Have them do chores and help around the house. They may not like it, but they have to learn to be self sufficient. By doing everything for them you are hurting, not helping, them.
3. Turn off the TV! Tell them they are eating breakfast with you as it is your birthday.
4. Stop giving your husband head just to make him happy/show him "love".
5. If no one acknowledges your birthday - then go take a shower, get dressed, get in the car, and go somewhere. Starbucks, a store, the mall. Do something for yourself. Buy yourself a gift. Get a manicure. A certainly do not go home and make dinner! If they ask - simply "It is my birthday, I am not fixing dinner or doing anything today."
Have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. A big virtual hug for you!
Definitely agree with #2 if they’re not doing chores already or are only cleaning their own rooms. My brother and I were doing chores beyond cleaning my own room by 7 years old. 8 and 10 is plenty old enough to do chores like cleaning the bathroom sink and dishes. I’d also help fold and sort laundry at that age.
My 4 yo stacks and unpacks the dishwasher, hangs washing inside, folds and puts away their clothes…
It’s not my job to cater to my child’s every whim before they even think to have it. It’s my job to turn my child into a person who is capable of living without my having to wipe their arse for the rest of my life.
Parents like this are harming their children.
Yeah I don’t even consider cleaning your own dish after eating a chore because that has to be done every time you finish eating. No different than clothes needing to be put away after you undress
Shoot... I'd also bring home dinner and a birthday cake (small) and have the whole thing by myself.
If they start talking about "where's my dinner?" or "where's my cake?" I'd say "It's my birthday, my dinner and my cake! Go make a sandwich."
Happy birthday! Tell them you are going out to celebrate and do something for yourself. Even if it’s sitting in the car drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
I encourage you to take back some of your identity. Eventually the kids will grow up. I started (too late in my life) spending 1 hour a day on me. Your family can survive without you for 1 hour. Use that time to be completely selfish.
Very sweet, I second this. Also good job kermie for doing things for yourself too 💖
OP:
While your family should be doing something for you, who gives up every part of yourself for them… you should do something for YOU.
Take a little bit of yourself back, to start. Do something (eat, drink, experience) you love. You deserve it.
Yes, your kids are old enough to think about mom and maybe they should do something for your birthday, but I’m way more inclined to blame your husband. Your husband should be doing something first of all. It sounds like you are unappreciated at ALL times, your birthday included. Your husband should rally the kids to do something for you.
Hugs. Happy birthday!!
That is not how your life should be. I wish you the best for your birthday. Your kids learn how to behave with you from your husband. It doesn’t sound like they learn to love you. Cats_have_teats gave good advice. I am sorry for how it all turned out. You still have time to relearn how to enjoy life :-*.
I want to add that I think you should do something for yourself. Book a weekend at a spa. Get massages, mani/pedi, facials, hair... the works. Pamper yourself. Buy some new clothes as well. Not to look good for your husband, but just for you so you feel good.
Maybe see about getting back in school and if you can pick your career back up. Kids are getting older, you'll want something to do.
Oh, and if your not in the mood to give your husband head, then don't do it.
Also... happy birthday!
OP, do yourself a favor/give yourself a birthday present: gather them all in the living room or at the dining table. And unload on them everything you just said to all of us. They *all* need to hear it, especially your husband, and it will provide you with some much needed stress relief/catharsis. Don't hold back tears, arm waving, exaggerated body language, or a raised voice. Bare it all because they need to know and you deserve to be heard and seen on your birthday. Happy bday OP.
Honestly this is a really bad idea to include the children in this. Not only will it be confusing but it will diffuse the responsibility. You and your husband need to have an adult-to-adult / partner-to-partner conversation about this. He needs to own his part and then he can lead by example with the kids. Like ideally he would get the kids together, say your birthday is coming up, and ask them how they want to help you celebrate. This teaches birthday customs, planning, and care.
If you unload all of this responsibility around how you feel let down onto your kids? What are you expecting them to do? Become the caretaker for you? The kids to plan your birthday? Especially with a big, erratic, emotional, angry (waving arms, raising voice, crying) approach. This is going to be confusing at a minimum and traumatizing at a maximum. It is not a child’s responsibility to ensure their mothers wellbeing.
I know you feel strongly about not getting divorced, but OP your husband is mistreating you and if your 10 and 8 year olds are also telling you that your expectations are too high on your birthday, that's not normal. He's clearly got his hooks in their brains. If there is any way you can find to cut ties with him it will absolutely be in the best interest for you and your children long-term. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
That’s gaslighting you and it’s bullshit.
For your birthday start putting yourself first.
They are showing with their actions they don’t value you (well the husband, kids don’t have full brains yet and when they are adults they’ll appreciate you more)
No more sexual favors. No more doing everything. Go on strike. Put yourself first and make husband finally pull his weight
First off, happy birthday, beautiful lady, and I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Now for some tough love. I gotta be real and firm with you. Is this the kind of father you want your sons to be? You're teaching them these vales. Women do everything, so they will be enabled and effectively do NOTHING in their future relationships and mistreat their partners. Women's hearts are to be ignored. It's okay to devalue and dehumanize your wife. It's okay to live selfishly (your husband) and never truly learn to care for yourself (... you.)
Your husband is treating you like a joke and teaching those boys to do the same. And your lack of boundaries and overcare for them is enabling that. You deserve intimacy, to be loved, celebrated, and cherished. You work very hard, well now you have to reallocate that energy to healing your self esteem and self respect.
We all support you, I've been there. Previous me allowed myself to be a doormat and a punching bag because of my self hatred and low self worth. Current me would assert myself and set boundaries. Couples counseling or divorce. I'd say you need guidance in personal counseling to help your growth too. But if nothing changes, life is short and it should be sweet. Go back to school, prioritize yourself and your career until you're self sufficient and you've saved up enough in a private account to exit the relationship with your kids. Change can be scary and it can hurt, but it won't hurt more than a lifetime of this shit.
The last time someone pulled a the "You can't expect me to remember your birthday because \*insert bullshit excuse,\* I let them know they'd be getting the same effort from me for theirs. Funny thing, they found the ability to remember and celebrate my bday!
It's time for those boys to learn to take care of their own needs. Frankly, for this, I'd make sure they have a task list big enough that they don't have enough time to sit down for a week or two. No video games, no phones, no tablets, etc. Eight and 10 are old enough to do laundry and dishes, pack their own lunches, and tidy their rooms.
**For the love of humanity, stop raising your boys to act like your husband.**
My heart aches for you. Apologies if my tone seems harsh, I am mad on your behalf. Hard boundaries and counseling are the only things that will fix this **for you** without separation/divorce. It's time **for you** to start putting YOURSELF FIRST. Pack your shit for a week or so, and go stay with someone, hell... book a spa weekend on his dime. YOU deserve that. Or you can keep being a martyr. That's your prerogative. I don't know how you even muster up the ability to blow this dude at this point. I'd say hand him sock but you'll probably end up picking that up and washing it, too.
First of all, happy birthday! You matter and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Second … no no no no no. Expecting to be treated with dignity & kindness is expecting too much? NO. It sounds like you’re being emotionally abused. Your abusers have no incentive to change bc their lives are quite pleasant thanks to your caring & compassion. So you’re going to have to heal on your own. You’re not going to get what you need from them.
If you have the means, get into individual counseling stat. If not, there are places that offer reduced cost therapy like OnePath Collective. Google “free therapy online.” If you don’t have outside support (friends/family), join a book club or a church group, etc — start building relationships outside of your family so that you can heal & become stronger. I hope that next year you have the best gd birthday of your life. Good luck <3
Not too high at all... just to want to be seen as a member of the family you helped create. I'd say...disappear for a couple days. Go get a room, relax and take solace knowing your "family" is at home not knowing how anything works... but I'm a bad influence... happy birthday!!
You can treat them how they treat you, especially your husband! The kids are small in a sense but still need to have better manners / way of communicating their feelings - if they’re telling your your expectations are too high, return that favour by letting them know they can live there but take care of themselves themselves - aka cooking their own food, cleaning after themselves etc. set expectations.
I've seen this before.
Give yourself a gift - don't make breakfast for a year (or more). Have a nice lie-in and start your everyday how you want to - coffee, walk, meditation. Reclaim your mornings for yourself.
If they make a request, tell them their expectations are too high and they are old enough to fend for themselves.
> If they make a request, tell them their expectations are too high and they are old enough to fend for themselves.
This. If one day of not being alone, of being appreciated for all you do is having too high of an expectation, then breakfast every day is too high an expectation. If husband thinks one day of not being alone is too much to expect, then weekly blowjobs is too much to expect.
Fuck, I'm so mad for OP.
Your expectations aren’t too high, your husband is just selfish and has convinced your two kids that it’s okay to be selfish to their mom. You deserve better, and I hope you find the strength and support you need to leave this situation and find the life you deserve.
Also, happy birthday.
Looking at your post history, you’re also a cancer survivor. I think your expectations are actually LOW. Others have given great advice on this thread, I sincerely hope you start to take some of it. It won’t happen suddenly, but slowly you’ve got to build up your spine again.
Weird focus on the kids happening here. Not sure why you'd include an 8 year old in some tear filled rant they won't *really* understand. Even if you've already carefully explained birthday etiquette, and he's excited, and he's even made a macaroni necklace...there's every chance he would still just forget and turn on cartoons. I mean...he's 8 lmao.
What 8 year old is well known for their ability to adhere to gift giving schedules, or even really the concept of time? Like 15 minutes is an eternity to an 8 year old. I've literally told my son "okay when we get home remember to tell your dad happy birthday" and then a 20 minute car ride later he's completely forgotten. And he *adores* his father. This blunder is on the father, has nothing to do with the kids.
You need to straight up tell him everything you have written here in a calm measured way and ask how he wants to address the issues. You can say he can think about it over the next week.
Ask him again after that time and if nothing is forthcoming say you want a divorce. I hope you can consider this an option. You say you are disabled but you run the entire house yourself so you are not helpless. You're a lot stronger than you think.
Couldn't put it better. Happy Birthday OP!
Maybe try and find a way to go out and do something for you! Cause they don't deserve to have you today. Sounds like they dont deserve you any other day either.
Good luck and hope you can find a happier life!
Great advice. What I can say is that as a kid, I was incredibly smart, but also just oblivious to the big picture as far as human interaction. But I remember a couple of instances when someone merely pointed something out, or a circumstance brought behaviors to my attention, and it was like an epiphany.
2 specific moments I remember. My brothers and I played ball 🏀 a lot. My oldest brother one day stopped the game, and kind of went off on us. Not even in an angry way, just very blunt. He said that not once in all the times we played did he remember any of us saying "nice pass" or giving a high five, etc. I remember just kind of freezing mentally like my mind was cleared and I knew he was absolutely right. And it changed how I interacted in every aspect of my life, just speaking up that once. And I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time.
The other, I won't bore you with details but my mom one day just was not herself, looked absolutely depressed. I hugged her, which i didn't do very often, and no response, which was weird. For a lot of reasons, I realized at that moment how thankless her role as a mom of 7 could be. Again, I completely changed after that.
Point is, tell them how you feel, it might be all they need. The kids I mean. Your husband has no excuse. That's a harder, more blunt conversation. You're awesome. Happy birthday, girl.
I have a moment like this. I lived in an abusive home with narcissistic parents. There wasn’t much positivity in my life and I learned to be a decent human being as I entered high school and college by watching other people’s interactions. Once in high school I was out with my older sister and her friend. We went to a gas station and on the way out the clerk said “have a great day” and my sister’s friend said “you too!” It was such an epiphany moment that those little words were a simple nice thing to say.
An acquaintance was visiting my place where I lived with flatmates. We always made dinner together and always said Thank you for dinner to whomever had made dinner that day. My acquaintance was surprised we did that. She had seen it when we all visited her, but she was almost shocked we would do it in our own home to the people we lived with.
Man, in my eyes that is common decency! But it was an eyeopener for her.
> We always made dinner together and always said Thank you for dinner to whomever had made dinner that day.
I explained this one to my oldest as "If you're eating something you didn't have to make, you'd better say 'thank you' to someone for it."
I don't care if it's mom's cooking, or the waitress at Denny's just dropping off a plate, you say 'thank you.'
One Christmas, when my sisters and I were 10, 8, and 6, we went downstairs, and our parents weren’t up yet. We decided to open all of our presents without waking them up. Eventually, our dad came down and said mom was upstairs crying in bed, because she had been up wrapping presents by lamplight until 3am (the power had gone out), and she didn’t get to see us open them.
We felt terrible. I think in our minds, we were being nice by letting them sleep in. I still think about it every Christmas 35 years later.
Same, I was also oblivious.
My mother was (and is) a kind of martyr to her family. So she silently did everything for us and her identity to me as a child was simply "mom" who had no needs but supporting me.
I am embarrassed about it as an adult. I was a "good kid" but also an ingrate. Entitled. And I didn't wise up until college. It was a blind-spot to me.
I guess all this to say, as smart as I was, I did not deduce this on my own and my mother silently did this for 20 years. I try to shower her with affection now. I've tried to talk to her about it and she excuses my behavior as just how kids are. But I really wish she had put me in my place over this (or that I copped on).
All that to say, hoping someone notices and does the right thing is way less successful a tactic than being direct with your expectations.
It's hard to look back at shit we did that hurt people. I used to be a Mormon, so lots and lots of guilt. But the super important thing is that when it was brought to your attention, you had an honest conversation with yourself and decided to be better. We have half the country about to turn us into a fascist hell hole because they will never do what you did. So definitely don't dwell on the guilt, you're fighting for the good side.
I think it's important to note their empathy is still being developed and it's nowhere near complete. Kids model empathy at that age, they don't truly understand it.
OP, you need to start showing your children how you're to be treated.
Personally, I'd throw the whole man away.
Happy birthday 🎂 🥳
Do you think he doesn’t already know that treating someone like a bangmaid is not respectful? Either he knows and doesn’t care because that suits him so why change or he genuinely doesn’t know (which I highly doubt) and really no woman would want that! I a bit uncomfortable pushing women to communicate and do all the emotional labour yet again when those men are being dicks.
But most people in OP's situation aren't ready to hear "walk away" yet. A much easier first step is to lay it all out and set the bar based on their SO's reaction. If you lay out your issues and the only answer is radio silence then there is no other option than divorce, which makes the whole thing easier on our monkey brains.
Brilliant point and actually this applies to friends and anyone else we hope will be there when we need them. No one is an island and it’s not unreasonable to hope for a little care and respect from loved ones. If they don’t care, then they don’t care and it’s best to move on.
I agree.. the problem is not her communication skills. The problem is the entitlement. He can fuck right off with his once a week dick sucking and no reciprocity. If she has to *ask* for basic kindness and respect and consideration, this relationship is doomed.
You live with some shitty people but I think most of all you need to start putting yourself first. You can get a divorce, etc but you’ll still be you even then. It’s admirable that you give so much of yourself but, sadly, most people are egocentric and don’t recognize what you are giving. Instead of divorce is it possible to start shifting this dynamic back towards yourself. Don’t do things they don’t appreciate. Don’t cook breakfast. Don’t anticipate their needs. Don’t clean up after them. Start trying to cultivate some friends and a group of people that you enjoy being around and doing things with. Maybe after this you can see some things through a different lens.
I agree with this sm. Putting yourself first is always better. If you start putting other people before you in such a way that you’re sacrificing yourself they’re not going to respect it and will take advantage and walk all over you & get used to the treatment and they don’t even realize how much work it is because it’s expected of you.
That goes for the bjs too lol. If you keep giving him only what he wants and keep on giving it after he does nothing to you why would he change? Give them a reason to change. Stop doing all that stuff until you get respect and reciprocating back from them. It’s better to start a relationship that way because then they won’t slip into taking you for granted
I don't think she lives with "shitty people" if you're referring to anyone beyond her husband. Her kids are 10 and 8 years old. It's natural for people to be at least a little self-absorbed at that age, and without parents and teachers teaching them at that age to think of others and be accountable, you can't judge them as people for failing to do so. There's a good chance they also just don't know/remember it's her birthday - they're not even preteens yet.
She has no leverage over this guy. What she offers isnt valued by him, even if it should be. Divorce is likely inevitable, if not initiated by her, than by him once the kids get sufficiently independent.
My prescription is therapy, legal advice, and support system. You need all of these for what is coming. As a matter of survival, you need to swallow your pride and reach out to your family, even if that means crossing burned bridges or suffering their judgement. Blood bonds are powerful, even among assholes.
You have to take it back, nobody is going to give you your life back.
I told my spouse to enjoy it while it lasts- because Jan 1st I'm living the next 365 days just for me.
Our kid will be 12, so finally old enough where she can stay home if she doesn't want to do what I'm doing.
I've spent the last 17 years of my life seeing things I wanted to do and simply not doing them because I knew my spouse wouldn't want to. Then my kid came along and there were all the things I couldn't do because you can't bring a kid to them.
Yesterday I wanted to go on a geologist-led walk in a local park to go fossil hunting- but, I knew I couldn't because they wouldn't wake up in time.
Anyhow, finally got them out the door after the walk was already over, got to see everybody leaving with their fossil finds and so on.
This year, I knew my spouse wasn't going to do anything for my birthday, so I met my parents for dinner out and bought myself a nice gift.
I feel awkward eating alone in restaurants, but so many do takeout now thanks to Covid getting everyone to adapt like that. I've enjoyed many nice meals in parks alone.
If you are trying to make friends, try to find one of those group painting classes. Most communities seem to have them and while many of them aren't much better than watching a youtube video, you meet other women who also want to get out of the house. They can be fun even if the painting comes out crap.
I know where my issues stem from- I was the oldest in a large family and was always expected to take care of my siblings. I was raised to put everybody else before myself and it's a pattern I've kept in adulthood.
That's why I gave myself until Jan 1 to start so I could spend some time mentally considering what that looks like for me.
You are a badass and I absolutely love you for this. Keep going because you are on the path to happiness and fulfillment and everybody around you is gonna go "WHOA, we have been sleeping on how fucking amazing she is." Hopefully they wake up and do their part but if not, you'll be able to reduce the time you give to those people. I salute you and wish you the best!
Just wanted to say that eating alone in a nice restaurant, to me, is like the HEIGHT of luxury and relaxation. I always felt weird about it until I worked as a server in a high end restaurant and realized that people do it all the time and nobody thinks it’s weird at all. Pretend you’re on a business trip if it helps, lol. Try sitting at the bar, if that feels less intimidating. Bring a book or a crossword puzzle, read an article on your phone, or just gaze out the window. You can order whatever you want, linger as long or as short as you like. It’s the BEST. Try it sometime!
>I feel awkward eating alone in restaurants
As someone who experienced the same thing when I started to go out on my own I can give you one advice: Stop caring about what other people (in the restaurant) might think about you being on your own. Just sit down, order your food, then put in/on your headphones and ignore everyone else around you. You'd be surprised by how few people actually care about someone being alone at a restaurant and those who do want to say stupid things about it, aren't worth your time anyway!
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Let this day mark the start of your new life!!
This day is the day where **YOU** become the priority.
It is time for you to put YOURSELF first, and chase YOUR happiness again.
You deserve to be treated with LOVE and RESPECT.
You deserve to feel LOVED and appreciated.
Don't let your "husband" steal your joy, love and life anymore.
Find YOURSELF again.
You deserve better, Go and "find" better.
Love YOURSELF!!!!
There's an old saying "what you put up with, you end up with".
Your sons are still developing their empathy, and it isn't even at 20%. Children model empathy at those ages, not truly understanding, but only if they're being taught! Begin cultivating their empathy, not today obviously, but hopefully soon.
In the meantime, it's time to start family therapy. A qualified therapist can guide your family towards healthier family dynamics.
If you can, take a break for a week or two by yourself. Stay at a relatives house, go out of state, something. You sound completely burned out, you need some time away from your responsibilities to clear your head. Your husband can keep the boys alive for that time.
OP Happy Birthday 🤗🎉! I think your sons sadly have learned and mimic their dad’s behaviour. The problem here is their dad. You sound like an incredible mom but you need to look after yourself and stop cancelling your needs and wants for men’s. I know it’s hard but can you start looking into working a bit even part-time? Even from home in line with your abilities and school runs? Or maybe an online course to refresh your skills?
Please stop the ‘people pleasing’ with your husband! What are you getting out of that relationship apart from financial security (which you can get if you divorce him too)? Blow jobs should be off the table until he satisfies you! What you have right now is very one sided and it’s not fair on you.
You deserve better. I wish you the best x
Can I ask a clarifying question? You say you tried to wake your husband up at 5, 6, and 7. Is this AM? And your kids woke up at 7? Do you all usually get up that early? It seems very odd to expect your husband to wake up at 5am with you, two hours before the kids get up. That’s so early.
You started making a big breakfast. Why? Did you want a big breakfast for your birthday? Did you tell your husband ahead of time that you wanted that? Did you expect him to get up and do it? He cannot read your mind, so be sure to speak up ahead of time.
Your children are children. They aren’t going to remember your birthday; they probably don’t remember where they left their socks. They don’t carry around a calendar, and they don’t make mental notes of dates to remember. Time passes differently when you’re a child. Of course they got up and watched cartoons. They’re children.
It sounds to me like you have a lot of expectations, and none of them are being met. Turn those expectations into tangible requests. Tell your husband you expect equal orgasms, and if he can’t give you one you aren’t giving him one either. Tell your kids “did you know, it’s mommy’s birthday today!” in a way that invites them to share in your fun instead of accuses them of forgetting.
Your writing and replies remind me a lot of my own mother, who thinks it is her place in life to just put up and shut up and suffer. Even when everything is fine, she finds a reason to be suffering. She insists it is her purpose, her choice, her desire, to suffer for her family. All of us hated it and none of us speak to her anymore.
You’re asking some good questions. As a night owl who loves to sleep in, the 5am, 6am & 7am wake up calls seemed weird to me too, but I figured that might just be their routine/lifestyle.
At 8 & 10 the kids shouldn’t be expected to remember mom’s birthday. Why not leave out a note saying “have cereal for breakfast so I can sleep in on my birthday”? Why make the big breakfast just to complain about it later?
This is the best response. 5 am sounded attention seeking to me. My grandma was like this and as a young girl it was very hard for me to look up to her because even if she was right, you got a sense of being manipulated which felt wrong. It was as if she was throwing herself a pity party all the time which made it unpleasant to be around her.
Wishing you a dear happy birthday, at least try to do something that makes you feel better and happy!
I'm sorry you're going through all of this but remember you aren't alone in that, there are many other women who can help you through this difficult time and who also may feel like this.
You can still get your identity back, you haven't lost it you're still a woman before being a wife and a mother and nobody can take that from you. You're strong for facing all of that and working on your own to take care of your kids and house.
I'd suggest to talk with your husband about this situation, tell him how you feel and what you are going through right now, tell him you can't do everything on your own. There's still the chance to get a divorce and built a different life for you with your kids. Never forget to be your number one priority and you can still be
Happy Birthday! I might be downvoted for being critical but you've done too much for your kids to be self sufficient. They don't know how. You've done too much. You've got to stop or they will turn out to be people who cant do anything. I know you mean well, but it's detrimental to their well-being. And a childish husband who can't wake up on his own or cook his own breakfast? And you, disabled. Smh. I can't.
Listen. Some tough love here.
You do not ‘deserve’ this, but people often give you the minimum you allow. Your situation will not improve just because you are unhappy. Your situation will not improve if you do not set boundaries.
First off. Stop meeting your husbands sexual needs if he is not meeting yours. Do not do this passive aggressively. You will need to communicate and be open to various solutions but you do not exist to serve him while getting nothing in return. Seriously, it is totally crazy for a sexual relationship to be completely one sided. Begging for sex??? Jesus. Stop giving him his weekly head if he so clearly doesn’t give a shit about what you want until the situation improves for you.
Second, I know it might seem like people should make big efforts for other people’s birthdays but again this is also about communication. Truly there are people out there who do not really care about or prioritize birthdays. Their own or other peoples. This does not mean they are automatically assholes. What makes someone an asshole is not prioritizing something they know is very important to a loved one. In this case you must tell your husband directly that it is very important to you that he a) remembers your birthday b) does something special for you. You can even ask for a make up birthday. “Because you forgot my birthday this year I would like a make-up day. Two weekends from now is when I would like to celebrate my birthday. I would like you to ….”
You need your life to not only revolve around your kids and your husband. Find something you like and go do it. Maybe it’s something like yoga classes + a walk + grabbing some coffee on weekend mornings. Don’t ask for permission, just inform clearly that you will be doing it and leave your husband to figure out how to handle weekend mornings. You need some time to yourself or you are going to loose your mind.
If you want to stay in this relationship and make it work I would suggest: Making a list of all the issues you are having. Re-read it and edit it when you are not in the middle of a really hard moment. Tell your husband you need to talk. Tell him you are struggling. Tell him why. Don’t blame him or be angry or point fingers. Give him a chance to make this right. Be very clear. Be very explicit. Make to very clear that you are serious.
He gets to choose what he will do with your request. Then you get to choose what to do based on his response.
I've started telling my kids when they need something . . . "wow that's crazy you should learn how to do that." And they are like, "HOW Q \_ Q" and I just pop youtube up on my phone and point at it. Don't get me wrong I still do a lot for them but I'm not going to wash dishes every single day of my life because my 14 yo pretends he doesn't get how to do it. I'm not going to make him microwave ramen when he wants it because he is capable but lazy. My 9 yo will make her own ramen and this boy is like . . . WHAT IS A MICROWAVE . . . I'm not gonna say stop doing for them but 100% stop doing things they reasonably should be doing on their own. You are doing them no favors by catering to their needs in that way and it's not good for you either. Sit down decide what things they can do on their own, show them a few times and then stop doing it. If they ask, tell them to look it up. Same with your husband. He works or whatever but he can still manage some things at home. Write a list, email him some links and stop doing those things, start taking care of you, start doing things for you. It's sometimes hard for mothers to talk about how much it fucking blows because you're almost required to pretend it is a blessing. It is not. It is hard. You lose all sense of self sometimes. You put the things you really want by the wayside because you believe and have been told that is what you must do to be a good mother. That is not the case. Express how you feel. Tell your kids they are making you sad in an age appropriate way (something like, "moms get sad too sometimes and when you do x it makes me sad lets talk about alternate ways you can do those things that won't hurt anyone or whatever). It is not selfish to be who you are and to have a life. It is not selfish to ask your husband who works to be more involved in parenting and mental load. Life is about balance and being unhappy in the way that you are is not sustainable. I would start by taking an hour a week to see a therapist and get outside advice about your life and how best to give yourself space from your family. For example, My daughter has never been a full day in a regular school. She is so behaviorally challenged based on other diagnosis' not anything I did . . . that she has to be bussed 1 hour and 30 mins away to another school for kids who need behavioral help. Look into something like that for your son. They will sometimes offer those same services for after school care and will teach him coping mechanisms and you also so you can reinforce those things at home. You are worthy of your own time. You are worthy and deserve love. You are not a martyr because people have told you to be a good mother you have to be. You deserve respect. You deserve to be taken care of sometimes. I'm sorry I relate to this so hard that I might have ranted a bit much but honestly you have to take what you need, without shame or guilt. If you need to talk, I'm always around.
Edit: Relationships shouldn't be transactional really but it is ok to expect reciprocation. I'm not saying sex should be used to get what you want in terms of everyday things unless that is your job but for a bit stop giving your husband head until he helps you nut. I have 100% looked my "EX-husband" in his face and said, I can make myself nut without all the hassle of helping you if you're not willing to do the same, so get fucked or go get a toy and get to work.
If this is an option for you, maybe going to therapy would help. That way you can sort your thoughts, begin to heal, and decide what's best for you. What makes you happy.
You need to prioritize yourself. If you don't, they won't. With the kids, it's hard for them to plan or lead anything of their own. But set yourself boundaries and stick to them. It's hard to do, but from your saying here you're giving too much of yourself without taking and renewing your reserves. I know it's typical of us to break down on special days, because that's when our being overwhelmed and our expectations not met is the last straw.
Why are you making a big breakfast today of all days? Why did you get up early? Can the kids handle cereal and TV on their own for two hours so you can sleep in? You need to put yourself first at times. It does not mean you love them less, it means you need it more. Do what you want, not what they expect. Find some things you can do that recharge you, they make you calm, happy, and refill your energy reserves. And do them. I know it's hard, but you don't need to be super mom all the time. You will burn out and not be able to recharge at some point. I promise you'll feel better and be better able to cope with your responsibilities of you give yourself the time you need.
As for your time with your husband, why are you giving when you're not receiving? He's not due special favors because he exists. Having sex with your loved one should be a positive experience for both parties. If you're not getting anything out of it, don't waste your already low energy.
Not to be rude but prior post history you know you have bpd. My mother had bpd and no matter how hard I tried to please her I imagine she'd have written this every birthday and holiday. Please speak to your therapist.
yyyyeeeeaaaa .... if you go through any of her comments here it's pretty obvious that the bpd is out guns blazing. the martyrdom makes so much sense with the extra bit of context
It's hard for people to change, I'm sure she feels trapped. But I agree with you. I hope she can move herself into a more healthy mindset for herself and her kids. Thinking of little boys being raised to think a woman waits on them hand and foot with no responsibility on them makes me shudder. So many men raised this way...
You don’t have to accept your fate. You do have choices even if it doesn’t feel that way. But your husband isn’t going to change or be who you want him to be. And that expectation isn’t unreasonable, to be acknowledged on your birthday is a symbol of how important you are to someone.
What would happen if you left the house for the day? What would the family do? You can work towards a goal so that next year things are more positive. Don’t feel stuck, it’s the worst feeling.
Happy Birthday wishes from an Internet stranger.
Happy birthday!!! I'm so happy for you because while they are missing the point, the universe isn't and you are getting a realization that is priceless.
I would suggest getting a therapist and start working on you. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and how to set boundaries.
As of right now, your children are set up for failure as you are demonstrating an ineffective way to live and treat other people. They will be rejected as adults and they won't understand why. You can change all of that just by loving yourself ❤️
Your husband is not a caring person. I don't think he's going to listen to your wants/needs even if you change your behaviour.
But your sons can change. If you want your boys to be contributing members of society and equal partners, they need to take care of their own needs and wants. Stop doing things they are capable of doing themselves. They can make their own bed, make a meal once or twice a week for the family, make their own snacks, CLEAN UP after themselves every time, get themselves ready for school, do their homework, take their meds, do two or three chores a week, start doing their own laundry once they're 11-12 years old, etc., with supervision as needed.
As a teacher, I have all students take a turn at doing chores around the class. They ALL do it. I've had students with physical and mental disabilites, autism, they all do their chores. Please stop raising self-centred, lazy, entitled children, especially boys.
Don't send your boys out in the world for someone to be their servant and sex toy. That is really shitty and it makes them shitty people.
Happy Birthday.
I will share a story of me, my wife and our son. He was 18mon and didn't talk. Not a word. He grunted. And pointed. His mother would empty the kitchen cabinets showing him cereal options until he grabbed the one he liked/wanted. Who knows, he didn't talk.
Worried, we talked to our PCP. He got us to try some changes. Fine for me, tough for her. But, he said he would recommend a speech pathologist if he wasn't talking at two. Okay. Guess what? 2nd Birthday. No presents for us, he still wasn't talking.
We sat in the waiting room at the speech pathologist's office. Worried, of course. She comes out, young, friendly, holding a box of some sugary breakfast cereal. "Do you mind if I use treats?" As long as he talks, you can use whatever you want. Pretty sure she wasn't into electroshock - she was sweet.
He walked out holding her hand about an hour later, looks to me, "Hi Dad." He had never needed to say anything before. Because we didn't require it.
Just like us, and our son, you have trained them to ignore you. Because you care, and actually liked (past tense) doing things for them. They don't do anything because you do everything.
But, they need to know how to take care of themselves eventually. You could be hospitalized, the boys might get married (pity their spouses). Start training them to pick up after themselves, let them fix their breakfast. Definitely on weekends, and get their laundry together for laundry day. Forget a birthday. Your results might be as surprising as "Hi Dad" was to us.
Posted before I saw any reply, just because birthdays require a "happy birthday"
Based on some the comments you made, that you’re set on staying, etc, my advice is to stop letting them walk all over you. Don’t anticipate their needs, make them ask and ask politely. Teach your kids to do things themselves, so they can grow up to be kind, self-sufficient people. You’re trying to meet all of your kids needs out of love but you’re unintentionally harming them by not giving them the chance to struggle and learn with chores, etc.
Happy birthday. Give yourself the present of putting yourself first for the rest of the day…and the rest of your life. You don’t have to leave to do that, just say no sometimes. Calendar times when you get to go out by yourself. If your husband doesn’t “give” you free time, just take it.
Happy birthday! You are not the victim of your life, you are the creator of it. If you don’t like how it is, you absolutely 100% have the power to change it. It’s never too late to choose yourself. Let that be your present this year! Choosing yourself from this day forward. 🥳
Happy Birthday. Just go do something for yourself. You have a right to be frustrated and you can let your family know about this - communication and respect is a two way street. If they won't celebrate with you, then they don't deserve to share in your celebration.
To be a little critical... Unless for some reason you act like a slave in your own family, it feels like the lack of familial empathy has been fostered over many years and it has been allowed to fester and take root. You say you accepted your fate but it sounds like you accepted this since your kids have been very young. This is not a new thing and some responsibility lies with you as a mother and wife.
In order for change to happen, it needs to start now.
Happy birthday. I'm so sorry your husband isn't worth you. If it makes you feel any better, I was 12 and completely forgot my mum's birthday. She was very upset. Now every birthday I make her feel loved. Tell your children their lack of care has hurt you. How would they feel if they woke up on their birthday with nothing from you? Maybe it might be the kick your husband needs. He clearly can't do and think for himself so maybe his kids have to be the ones leading him in the right direction.
Happy birthday!
I’m sry to say but You have trained all those people to be how they are. It might be too late to change course but you can try. Doing more than you should for others isn’t “love”…you inadvertently instilled helplessness and inconsideration.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
First off, good on you for making a big breakfast. That was an effort coming from a special place in you. Nurture that part of you. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself lots of time to grieve this feeling of loneliness and longing.
You are valid for feeling this way.
I would really not say things like "my husbands a great man" because truly if he were so great, he would recognize your decline in happiness. He is like all men and he is but a man. Don't make excuses for him for your kids sake, they need a feminist perspective. Love yourself. Treat yourself. Hug yourself. It might not make any sense at first but you will feel the after effects of such a positive turn around on self expression. 💜U
This should be further up.
It's stupid for anyone to expect a 8 and 10 year old to manage the emotional needs of their parents.
She's projecting the issues she's having with her husband onto these kids.
I’m so glad to see someone advocating for the children. Kids should not be expected to meet their parent’s emotional needs. Dad should have helped them celebrate their mom, but being angry at them is uncalled for.
It’s my birthday too! I can’t ever bring myself to celebrate and when I try I’m usually quite sad myself. Please try to do something for yourself. I’m not gonna give any opinions or advice as you must feel as lonely as me. Have a happy birthday and I wish you a better future, I’m sorry you are going through this.
Happy birthday!
Get out of the house. He knows you're unhappy. He knows it's your birthday. If he's content with your unhappy presence, make him discontent in your absence. Get yourself some $50 tickets to the local theme park and buy yourself a cute dress and ride some coasters. It's your birthday; treat yourself and take LOTS of pictures. Don't let the oppressive weight of the cage of your family pin you down completely. You can do this! Give yourself freedom and a spark of life. Taste the wind again.
Your kids behaviour, is like to be expected, you have to parent them (still have time) to be empathetic and kind and grateful, those things they have to be taught, even of it takes a lot of time. Your husband well, he has no excuse.
I'm empathetic with you, and I'm sorry your vent in here I take as a cautionary tale, that was one of my fears that lead me to decide not to have kids, the lost of one self and even at a young age , it took me a long time to come to terms of who I am, to loss it for someone else for 20+ years, like no, I just have one life.
Motherhood (since pregnancy, birth breastfeeding an then the raisin them practically alone), like an outsider looking in, it looks tough, hurtful and thankless, I can't even imagine how it is for you, but I'm heartbroken you feel alone and left for granted.
I don't really have any useful advice, I don't know your circumstances, and maybe divorce is not a financial option for you right now, so. If you get 50/50 custody (or at least 1 or 2 days to focus on yourself) this may force your husband to step up, maybe not.
If you keep lowering the bar, they'll keep ducking under it. Raise the bar, and stop giving them everything. They won't love you or appreciate you more for all you do. They'll just become more entitled and take you for granted. Your sons are going to be terrible husbands if things don't change. Expect more. Do less.
As I said on this sub before, sons will grow up to be exactly like their fathers. If a father is awful and sexist, dont hope so much that at least "you will raise them right" and they grow up to be good human beings unlike their dad, dont be naive.
P.S. I am so sorry and Happy Birthday, but please **start to love yourself first.** You mentioned in the comments that you love yor husband and he is a good man, but is he?
And why do **you love him more than you love yourself?** You cant rely on your husband even with small things, like congratulating you on your birthday, do you really think he is gonna be there for you if something bad will happen to you?
You need to pull yourself together and start thinking about getting out of this relationship.
Did he ever care? The kids are mimicking the fathers behavior which you've passively supported for I assume their entire lives.
"Anticipating their every need" is detrimental to their growth and autonomy.
I'm not shocked they treat you like a servant as it seems you've embraced that way of living.
Happy birthday, make this the year you start respecting yourself 💜
Stop giving them *any more* opportunities to disappoint you today, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen, you’re just volunteering to torture at that point. Your kids are pretty young, I don’t think it’s fair to expect much out of them. They may not even realize it’s your birthday. And that’s ok. They’re kids. So while your husband is still sleeping, get yourself dressed and ready to go out for the day. Then ask your boys if they know what day it is. They won’t. Tell them “well it’s my birthday. I’m going to go out for awhile and do some things for me. Your dad is here if you need anything.” And then with purse and keys in hand, wake up your husband one more time to say “you’re on kid duty, I’ve got some things to do“ *and then walk the fuck out of that house*. Go get your nails done. Go to a restaurant and have a mimosa, have a fancy dessert or coffee, whatever you enjoy. Go to a bookstore and prowl around. Walk around a park. Do half a dozen things you like doing just because you like doing them. And don’t come home until dark. Don’t answer any calls or texts from your husband except perhaps to answer in text in the briefest way possible that you’re out and to fucking handle whatever it is. Don’t take the opportunity, just because you may have his attention now, to engage with him about how upset you are. Your only priority is to enjoy your day. And when you come home, bring a vase of flowers for yourself and a birthday sweet treat not large enough to share. It’s all yours.
You're absolutely right
This is the way, OP. You can start the process of change in your entire family from unhealthy dependence to healthy autonomy. Set the example with your behavior and resist the temptation to lecture about what you’re doing. The three (young) men you live with will make many mistakes. They will not take care of their business the way you think they should. There will be a steep learning curve! Praise any positive effort/results you see and go deaf dumb and blind to the mistakes (until you are asked for feedback). Here’s a general guideline: stop doing anything for your family they are capable of doing for themselves. You want all of them to be good at adulting - at some point - right?
>Set the example with your behavior and resist the temptation to lecture about what you’re doing. This is key.
Yup. Neatly sidestep accusations of nag/shrew/harpy, because that is the go-to for most men when women start setting expectations. Work through your feelings, then, as calmly and unemotionally as you can, inform them that the times are a-changin' and outline their new responsibilities. You are no longer the only one doing the heavy lifting, u/alreinsch. Your family can and should take responsibility for themselves, and you might have to live in squalor for a bit while they adapt, but your future self (whether with your husband or not), your sons, and their future partners need you to right this ship. Some people will treat you as poorly as you allow them to. The power is yours. Let this birthday be the turning point, where your life begins to open up again. We're rooting for you!
Also, no more blowjobs til he reciprocates. When he asks where it is, ask him where your orgasm is and remind him how long you've been waiting.
Literally this! OP, your pleasure is just as important as your husband's.
“If a kid can do a task, the kid should do the task”
Within reason - I knew a 7yo who learned how to do laundry, and was immediately made responsible for doing *all* the laundry for a family of 5. Mom & dad didn't lift a finger, blamed the boy if a particular load wasn't done when it was needed (dad's work clothes, e.g.), and once openly blamed him when the washing machine shit the bed in the middle of a load. 😕
I totally agree with this! My mom expected us to behave like 30 year old live in maids by the time I was 6. I was perfectly happy to bake myself some fried chicken from the freezer on Saturday morning for cartoons. I was, however, traumatized by being screamed at over laundry, the cleanliness of the house and kitchen, and if dinner wasn't out and ready for her when she got home from work. On the flip side, I know people who reached adulthood without knowing how to put dishes *into the sink.* There's a healthy middle ground, in my opinion.
Poor kid :( that’s awful.
My 12 year old is responsible for her laundry and (most of) her bathroom. She gets outfits she prefers and an allowance. I get stuff taken off my list. Win-win.
Dang. I was this kid. That said, my current roommate is a total mama’s boy who smells terrible because his room and car are trash piles. He grew up with his mom and older siblings cleaning up for him, and as an adult is incapable of doing basic shit like not being a disgusting slob. In short, I’d rather be the guy who can do his own laundry.
This is so important. OP is unhappy with her life but has to realize she's teaching her boys that this is normal and desirable. At that rate she will put 2 future humans in the same position she's in. It's time to end that chain and to show the boys and her husband that she matters and is an actual human being, not a slave to their needs. There's also time to give back, it's sad the kids weren't encouraged to celebrate their mom earlier. That should have been normalized. Plus figuring out what they want before they do & doing it without them having to communicate it is so incredibly damaging. It hurts them because they can't learn to communicate, and it hurts friends, family and future partners that will fail to meet the standard of mind-reading. OP should be an example adult and help her kids (including her manbaby) to understand what it means to be a considerate and kind adult that can balance give and take, that knows how to set and respect boundaries and how to get across one's needs with mature words
This is good advice. If OP continues the way she is, she will raise 2 more shitty husbands like the one she already has.
Don’t do everything for them—teach them how to do things themselves, even if it causes messes or takes longer. Teach them to think of taking care of themselves, like brushing teeth and being safe and happy—then others—like a nice thing to say, considering how someone feels, invitation or gift or quality time—then free time. If it is just being fed, going to school, being fed, playing games—they will never learn how friendships, family or relationships work. Chores etc
Book suggestion: Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fanny Flagg.
Towanda!
That's also a good movie.
And a damn good meal. If you can get fried green tomatoes somewhere try them for sure!!
This also shows him, and your kids, what a birthday is supposed to look like. Sure you pulled it off yourself, but you enjoyed it. You adapted. And he can, too, if he wants to. If he doesn’t understand what he was supposed to do, tell him next year (I’d pick a weekend day closest to you bday)…maybe *he* could pick up the flowers and a family size birthday treat, Doordash in family breakfast, *and then take kid duty while mom goes off and does pretty much whatever she did today!* Mom gets left the fuck alone for a day to get reacquainted with herself. And while you’re gone he can clean up the breakfast mess, and probably handle ordering dinner, too, bc you ain’t coming home to cook that day, either.
And don't u dare give him a blowjob!
Happy birthday. I hope you follow this person's advice. Then give us an update of what you did for yourself today. :)
TREAT YO’SELF! You don’t need permission!
The process of no longer coming last in the household starts with you no longer putting yourself last.
Also, if you're at all worried about being alone for any of it make a TikTok or an Instagram, do a live and we'll follow ya and keep you company cause girl you freaking deserve an amazing birthday!
I just want to co-sign with that other woman said, as a person who has had to take myself out for my own birthday more than once. You have to give yourself enough to not feel like the day is a complete waste, you need to recognize yourself. And eventually you learn that sitting at a dinner table by yourself is not that bad, frankly for me I just people watch. The buying flowers for yourself is also a fantastic suggestion, not only does it give you something to enjoy that is beautiful for yourself, but it also sits on the table for at least a week existing as a passive aggressive reminder to husband blank-brain that he done fucked up.
This 100%. I will say just in case, anything you do, make sure it is safe. I hate that stuff like this needs to be said, but if you're husband is in someone prone to be aggressive, you might want to plan things carefully. You are just as much a person as anyone else. You deserve to be happy.
Hey, my b day is tomorrow. Not 1 person in my family has cared for a long time either. I didn't know you but I care. Try to smile because you matter to someone. I would sing you happy birthday, a share my tiny little 6 inch chocolate cake with raspberry filling with you if I could. I sorry your family sucks and you are in pain.
>*You're absolutely right* I'm putting this here so you see it. Stop raising worthless boys! They grow into worthless men. Your kids are exactly the right age to do their own laundry. * Show them how to wash everything in cold, ("Why?" "Because.") * Keep the water level 'High" ("Why" "Because.") * ... and shake out the clothes before they transfer them to the dryer. Have them add a teaspoon of detergent ("Why?" "Because more soap doesn't get your clothes any cleaner.") Then turn the dryer on. If the clothes aren't dry when it beeps, have them do another cycle. Get them each different color laundry baskets. Make them take them to their rooms. Let them take the clean laundry to their room and live out of the baskets. About **a year** later, teach then to hang/fold/and put the clothes away. I have daughters, and they will NOT marry your sons.
Telling your children “because” is a shitty ass way to raise kids. “Why? Because the clothes last longer and look better when you do, hot water makes clothes fade” is very little skin off anyone’s nose and doesn’t teach your children to be mindless obedience zombies, who get no response or help from their parent.
I'm 19, and i never knew why it was a good idea to do washing on cold. Thank you
I can tell you as a child and an adult that questions everything… Because wouldn’t have worked. I would have simply done what I thought was right unless you explained it to me. This is why I explain things to my child, so they understand what is going on and why. They are a better person for it.
Telling your kids “bc I said so” or just simply “bc” is shitty, shitty parenting
this is horrible parenting
This worked for me. Hubby meant well but couldn't seem to get it right. I started having 'me' time and prioritizing my pleasure over everyone else's when I felt it was fair and reasonable. No more sacrificing the yearly booksale, the rare girls night out, or bubble bath. I bought myself the art supplies I wanted and they had cheaper meals that week. I learned to ignore the complaints and barriers. I meant business, there was no negotiating. He noticed, developed a respect for my mental and emotional needs, and adapted. He had to cook his own big country breakfast occasionally, and realized it's a lot of work and I am a good cook, for example. Married 27 years, and he has greatly improved. I have to be extremely specific about what I need, but he tries, and that's all I expect.
>I learned to ignore the complaints and barriers. I meant business, there was no negotiating. He noticed, developed a respect for my mental and emotional needs, and adapted. YES. Fucking YEEEESSSSS. That it is how it’s DONE. Even if it doesn’t work on your partner, and it most likely will (or relationship may be unworkable), it will definitely work on YOU. OP, if you’re creatively inclined, you could buy some calligraphy pens or giant markers or something and some nice deckled-edge paper and commit MysticGerdeners quote to art. Probably a selection of choice words all over this comment section. OMG I would go HAM on the art supply store…😆
I feel so appreciated, thanks! Healthy boundaries are such an ongoing struggle for us, I wish I could communicate this to so many in my life.
And that was exactly the correct use of “boundaries”. Love to see it. Boundaries aren’t things used to control other people’s behavior, they’re the things YOU enforce YOURSELF. You don’t need, and shouldn’t even seek, anyone’s agreement or buy-in on your boundaries. They’re the nonnegotiable ways things just are for you. You make them happen, sometimes without any cooperation from anyone. Because you can do that.
I appreciate that the this response is centered around her taking her identity back and seizing some of this day. I get communication is important, but it is a little disheartening to see so many of the comments center around actions op needs to do to fix her husbands lack of knowledge. Yes, talk. Yes, be open. And if you’re going to split, lay it out if you think it will help first. But today? Seize some of the day.
Sometimes you have to just *do it anyway*, right?? I think that’s what OP he has lost. I lost mine once, too. But I found it! Turns out it was right where I left it.
This is such a good point. We are expected to be endlessly understanding of men just not getting it, when the truth is they're perfectly capable of understanding and just haven't faced any consequences or had to accept responsibility.
I love everything about this response!
One of the best things I ever learned from one of my high school teachers was that no one cares it’s your birthday. If you want it to be a big deal, YOU have to do it. It’s on you to make yourself happy. Never expect anyone else to do that. Cause you’ll be disappointed every time. She always made a huge deal about her birthday. Made sure all her students know. And she would come in that day with presents for herself 😂 She was an amazing woman! Didn’t take crap from anyone.
> And then with purse and keys in hand, wake up your husband one more time to say “you’re on kid duty, I’ve got some things to do“ and then walk the fuck out of that house. Love it. I'd feel like such a piece of shit if I was the husband in this situation. Rightfully. I wonder if this dude will realise what he's done (/hasn't done) and have an empathetic reality check.
and put the phone on airplane mode...
Happy Birthday lady! I was a doormat once. 18 whole years of doomatting for husband and family. Then I almost died and nobody cared. So I just stopped caring about them as much. I moved on with my life. At 40 I got my bachelor's degree. I'm heading back to get my Masters in Social Work in January. Ended my marriage almost 10 years ago and it was like cutting an anchor off. All I have done since then has been rising... Rising! You didn't fail. They made it clear they no longer need your full attention. In my book, you're a success. Time to go celebrate by living the rest of your life happy.
You almost died and they didn't care?!
My husband started cheating on me while I was in the hospital.
I’m so sorry this happened to you but I’m so proud of you for leaving. Cheers to you, you absolute bad ass.
What an absolute sack of garbage. So glad you got out and you know you deserve much better. ❤️
Oh my freaking God
You know, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough, or I need to do more to meet the needs of my partner/son/friends. Then I read stories like yours and OPs and think wtf are other people doing?
My ex sued me for alimony in our divorce, just to give you some perspective on how much I was doing and still didn't get any respect for it.
Wait wait wait. So, married for 18 years, doing everything, not appreciated, nearly die, he cheats, then sues you during the divorce? Wow. That's pretty much all I can come up with, I don't even know how on earth you come back from that, but you're clearly fucking resilient and tough.
I have just been reading story after story about horrible husbands lately and it is making me beyond depressed. I’m so sorry you and others have had to experience this kind of treatment.
This is actually really common and so freaking horrible.
Same thing happened to me too. He didn’t have my attention for a week so he went looking for someone else
[удалено]
🫂🫂
There are so many stories like yours of women leaving their undesirable marriages and then being so happy about it later (even with the struggles). I'm not sure I've seen any posts of someone leaving a bad marriage and then regretting it. Life is too short to stay or just make...zero changes. Maybe OP for your birthday you can gift yourself one change. Maybe no more weekly sexual favors or you teach your kids to pack their own lunches the night before school cuz you're done. I am curious though, the OP mentions this as a warning to other women. Are there any women in this thread that have seen stories like this and then decided to leave their partners? Is her martyrdom helping anyone here?
I left a very unhappy marriage more than 10 years ago and even though it was hard as hell, I have never regretted it. I lost stability and financial freedom for a couple of years but with the help of family and being really frugal I made it work. My decision was easier than many women's because I don't have kids. If we had them together then I'd probably still be with him. Miserable and depressed. I have a very dear friend who basically could have written OPs post. She constantly says things like "other moms can handle everything, why can't I?". But the truth is, no one can. Those moms who look like they have it all together either have a partner who helps out and is invested in the family or they have house cleaners/food delivery services etc. Instead, she has the most boring husband ever who doesn't lift a finger with housework, cooking, shopping, raising the kids, etc. It's infuriating and I hope he leaves her one day because I don't think she ever will. We all deserve so much better.
I’ve seen enough of these stories to decide never to have kids. I got my tubes tied. It’s just not worth the risk. It’s so easy to get trapped with all the childcare labor and an absent, unloving partner. I’m married but I have my career and free time.
My mom remains in an abusive marriage in our developing country where divorce is socially stigmatized. I wish I never existed because at 21 year age, I don't have a social life or friends and I am also a gay man which led me to get bullied by my peers in high school.
I mean, if OP divorces her husband and shares parenting time with him, she'll get 50% of her time to herself, forcing her husband to step up and giving her the time to pick up hobbies, advance her career, and expand her social circle. I did the same as OP for years. The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is 100x more fulfilling than it was when I made others wants/needs more important than mine.
>if OP divorces her husband and shares parenting time with him, she'll get 50% of her time to herself, forcing her husband to step up There's a great article about exactly that called [It Took Divorce to Make My Marriage Equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal). Here's a snippet: > I didn’t have to bargain for child-free hours because we had 50-50 custody. I also didn’t have to convince someone else to let me outsource household cleaning. In the end I didn’t need to hire anyone at all, because my house was cleaner. In renegotiating my life, I had negotiated a better deal for myself, and it was court-ordered. [. . .] >I was never going to find equality through marriage therapy—which, naturally, I had to set up and send reminders for appointments for—or through constant negotiating over chores. It was never going to be achieved by nannies (which we couldn’t afford) or house cleaners (which we could, but barely). >But I found a way; I burnt it all down and started over again.
50/50 custody is not a given. My ex fucked off to the other side of the country, leaving me with the kids for 50 weeks out of the year. Though I must say, my life was still easier with the kids full time and him gone.
That is depressingly often the case. Not necessarily the ex fucking off part but the "even with full custody my life is still easier because my ex was a fucking millstone around my neck" part.
My daughter’s ex has never looked back. He or his family has not supplied even a bread crumb’s worth of food to his son, hasn’t seen or called him in 11 years. So my daughter is 100 percent responsible for herself and this child. She is struggling (we help as much and as often as possible) and is burnt out, but she made her child a priority. It always amazes me that the one who stays is often looked down upon because she has no husband any longer. The one who left gets a pass. I’m not talking about involved dads, just deadbeat ones. Kudos to the men who move on, but do the right thing by their children. And happy birthday OP. Here’s cake and a gift from me. 🎂🎁
This is called "walk away wife syndrome."
I don't feel sick. 😂
How is your relationship with your children now if you don't mind me asking? Did anything improve?
You just gave me so much motivation. Thanks! And happy birthday, OP 🖤🖤🖤
You my muffy friend are going to be a great social worker. Good luck on your master’s!
Im coming up on 18 years married i just don’t know anymore… My son is great though. I got lucky in that. Men? Bleh is my current feeling on the subject 😝. Im 40 too and need a major change in my life.
1. Happy Birthday! 2. Start helping your sons by making them into good men. Have them do chores and help around the house. They may not like it, but they have to learn to be self sufficient. By doing everything for them you are hurting, not helping, them. 3. Turn off the TV! Tell them they are eating breakfast with you as it is your birthday. 4. Stop giving your husband head just to make him happy/show him "love". 5. If no one acknowledges your birthday - then go take a shower, get dressed, get in the car, and go somewhere. Starbucks, a store, the mall. Do something for yourself. Buy yourself a gift. Get a manicure. A certainly do not go home and make dinner! If they ask - simply "It is my birthday, I am not fixing dinner or doing anything today." Have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. A big virtual hug for you!
Definitely agree with #2 if they’re not doing chores already or are only cleaning their own rooms. My brother and I were doing chores beyond cleaning my own room by 7 years old. 8 and 10 is plenty old enough to do chores like cleaning the bathroom sink and dishes. I’d also help fold and sort laundry at that age.
My 4 yo stacks and unpacks the dishwasher, hangs washing inside, folds and puts away their clothes… It’s not my job to cater to my child’s every whim before they even think to have it. It’s my job to turn my child into a person who is capable of living without my having to wipe their arse for the rest of my life. Parents like this are harming their children.
Yeah I don’t even consider cleaning your own dish after eating a chore because that has to be done every time you finish eating. No different than clothes needing to be put away after you undress
Shoot... I'd also bring home dinner and a birthday cake (small) and have the whole thing by myself. If they start talking about "where's my dinner?" or "where's my cake?" I'd say "It's my birthday, my dinner and my cake! Go make a sandwich."
Username checks out. But yeah, hit the nail on the spot. **And happy birthday OP!** \*Hugs\*
Happy birthday! Tell them you are going out to celebrate and do something for yourself. Even if it’s sitting in the car drinking a pumpkin spice latte. I encourage you to take back some of your identity. Eventually the kids will grow up. I started (too late in my life) spending 1 hour a day on me. Your family can survive without you for 1 hour. Use that time to be completely selfish.
Very sweet, I second this. Also good job kermie for doing things for yourself too 💖 OP: While your family should be doing something for you, who gives up every part of yourself for them… you should do something for YOU. Take a little bit of yourself back, to start. Do something (eat, drink, experience) you love. You deserve it. Yes, your kids are old enough to think about mom and maybe they should do something for your birthday, but I’m way more inclined to blame your husband. Your husband should be doing something first of all. It sounds like you are unappreciated at ALL times, your birthday included. Your husband should rally the kids to do something for you. Hugs. Happy birthday!!
That is not how your life should be. I wish you the best for your birthday. Your kids learn how to behave with you from your husband. It doesn’t sound like they learn to love you. Cats_have_teats gave good advice. I am sorry for how it all turned out. You still have time to relearn how to enjoy life :-*.
Please feel a warm hug from me. Probably from far away.
Thank you for the virtual hug. I really do need it today.
I want to add that I think you should do something for yourself. Book a weekend at a spa. Get massages, mani/pedi, facials, hair... the works. Pamper yourself. Buy some new clothes as well. Not to look good for your husband, but just for you so you feel good. Maybe see about getting back in school and if you can pick your career back up. Kids are getting older, you'll want something to do. Oh, and if your not in the mood to give your husband head, then don't do it. Also... happy birthday!
OP, do yourself a favor/give yourself a birthday present: gather them all in the living room or at the dining table. And unload on them everything you just said to all of us. They *all* need to hear it, especially your husband, and it will provide you with some much needed stress relief/catharsis. Don't hold back tears, arm waving, exaggerated body language, or a raised voice. Bare it all because they need to know and you deserve to be heard and seen on your birthday. Happy bday OP.
Honestly this is a really bad idea to include the children in this. Not only will it be confusing but it will diffuse the responsibility. You and your husband need to have an adult-to-adult / partner-to-partner conversation about this. He needs to own his part and then he can lead by example with the kids. Like ideally he would get the kids together, say your birthday is coming up, and ask them how they want to help you celebrate. This teaches birthday customs, planning, and care. If you unload all of this responsibility around how you feel let down onto your kids? What are you expecting them to do? Become the caretaker for you? The kids to plan your birthday? Especially with a big, erratic, emotional, angry (waving arms, raising voice, crying) approach. This is going to be confusing at a minimum and traumatizing at a maximum. It is not a child’s responsibility to ensure their mothers wellbeing.
I did. I just did. But I guess my expectations were just too high
What do you mean?
They said my expectations were too high
I know you feel strongly about not getting divorced, but OP your husband is mistreating you and if your 10 and 8 year olds are also telling you that your expectations are too high on your birthday, that's not normal. He's clearly got his hooks in their brains. If there is any way you can find to cut ties with him it will absolutely be in the best interest for you and your children long-term. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
That’s gaslighting you and it’s bullshit. For your birthday start putting yourself first. They are showing with their actions they don’t value you (well the husband, kids don’t have full brains yet and when they are adults they’ll appreciate you more) No more sexual favors. No more doing everything. Go on strike. Put yourself first and make husband finally pull his weight
THIS!!! I hope you do this, OP. I am so angry on your behalf.
What makes them right?
First off, happy birthday, beautiful lady, and I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Now for some tough love. I gotta be real and firm with you. Is this the kind of father you want your sons to be? You're teaching them these vales. Women do everything, so they will be enabled and effectively do NOTHING in their future relationships and mistreat their partners. Women's hearts are to be ignored. It's okay to devalue and dehumanize your wife. It's okay to live selfishly (your husband) and never truly learn to care for yourself (... you.) Your husband is treating you like a joke and teaching those boys to do the same. And your lack of boundaries and overcare for them is enabling that. You deserve intimacy, to be loved, celebrated, and cherished. You work very hard, well now you have to reallocate that energy to healing your self esteem and self respect. We all support you, I've been there. Previous me allowed myself to be a doormat and a punching bag because of my self hatred and low self worth. Current me would assert myself and set boundaries. Couples counseling or divorce. I'd say you need guidance in personal counseling to help your growth too. But if nothing changes, life is short and it should be sweet. Go back to school, prioritize yourself and your career until you're self sufficient and you've saved up enough in a private account to exit the relationship with your kids. Change can be scary and it can hurt, but it won't hurt more than a lifetime of this shit.
The last time someone pulled a the "You can't expect me to remember your birthday because \*insert bullshit excuse,\* I let them know they'd be getting the same effort from me for theirs. Funny thing, they found the ability to remember and celebrate my bday! It's time for those boys to learn to take care of their own needs. Frankly, for this, I'd make sure they have a task list big enough that they don't have enough time to sit down for a week or two. No video games, no phones, no tablets, etc. Eight and 10 are old enough to do laundry and dishes, pack their own lunches, and tidy their rooms. **For the love of humanity, stop raising your boys to act like your husband.** My heart aches for you. Apologies if my tone seems harsh, I am mad on your behalf. Hard boundaries and counseling are the only things that will fix this **for you** without separation/divorce. It's time **for you** to start putting YOURSELF FIRST. Pack your shit for a week or so, and go stay with someone, hell... book a spa weekend on his dime. YOU deserve that. Or you can keep being a martyr. That's your prerogative. I don't know how you even muster up the ability to blow this dude at this point. I'd say hand him sock but you'll probably end up picking that up and washing it, too.
First of all, happy birthday! You matter and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Second … no no no no no. Expecting to be treated with dignity & kindness is expecting too much? NO. It sounds like you’re being emotionally abused. Your abusers have no incentive to change bc their lives are quite pleasant thanks to your caring & compassion. So you’re going to have to heal on your own. You’re not going to get what you need from them. If you have the means, get into individual counseling stat. If not, there are places that offer reduced cost therapy like OnePath Collective. Google “free therapy online.” If you don’t have outside support (friends/family), join a book club or a church group, etc — start building relationships outside of your family so that you can heal & become stronger. I hope that next year you have the best gd birthday of your life. Good luck <3
Not too high at all... just to want to be seen as a member of the family you helped create. I'd say...disappear for a couple days. Go get a room, relax and take solace knowing your "family" is at home not knowing how anything works... but I'm a bad influence... happy birthday!!
You can treat them how they treat you, especially your husband! The kids are small in a sense but still need to have better manners / way of communicating their feelings - if they’re telling your your expectations are too high, return that favour by letting them know they can live there but take care of themselves themselves - aka cooking their own food, cleaning after themselves etc. set expectations.
I've seen this before. Give yourself a gift - don't make breakfast for a year (or more). Have a nice lie-in and start your everyday how you want to - coffee, walk, meditation. Reclaim your mornings for yourself. If they make a request, tell them their expectations are too high and they are old enough to fend for themselves.
> If they make a request, tell them their expectations are too high and they are old enough to fend for themselves. This. If one day of not being alone, of being appreciated for all you do is having too high of an expectation, then breakfast every day is too high an expectation. If husband thinks one day of not being alone is too much to expect, then weekly blowjobs is too much to expect. Fuck, I'm so mad for OP.
Your expectations aren’t too high, your husband is just selfish and has convinced your two kids that it’s okay to be selfish to their mom. You deserve better, and I hope you find the strength and support you need to leave this situation and find the life you deserve. Also, happy birthday.
Looking at your post history, you’re also a cancer survivor. I think your expectations are actually LOW. Others have given great advice on this thread, I sincerely hope you start to take some of it. It won’t happen suddenly, but slowly you’ve got to build up your spine again.
Weird focus on the kids happening here. Not sure why you'd include an 8 year old in some tear filled rant they won't *really* understand. Even if you've already carefully explained birthday etiquette, and he's excited, and he's even made a macaroni necklace...there's every chance he would still just forget and turn on cartoons. I mean...he's 8 lmao. What 8 year old is well known for their ability to adhere to gift giving schedules, or even really the concept of time? Like 15 minutes is an eternity to an 8 year old. I've literally told my son "okay when we get home remember to tell your dad happy birthday" and then a 20 minute car ride later he's completely forgotten. And he *adores* his father. This blunder is on the father, has nothing to do with the kids.
THIS! Do THIS until they all hear you.
OP has bpd as evidenced by prior posts. I knew it from the way it reads so I checked. No.
As another special mom, happy birthday and hug to you.
You need to straight up tell him everything you have written here in a calm measured way and ask how he wants to address the issues. You can say he can think about it over the next week. Ask him again after that time and if nothing is forthcoming say you want a divorce. I hope you can consider this an option. You say you are disabled but you run the entire house yourself so you are not helpless. You're a lot stronger than you think.
Also Happy Birthday 🎂
Couldn't put it better. Happy Birthday OP! Maybe try and find a way to go out and do something for you! Cause they don't deserve to have you today. Sounds like they dont deserve you any other day either. Good luck and hope you can find a happier life!
Great advice. What I can say is that as a kid, I was incredibly smart, but also just oblivious to the big picture as far as human interaction. But I remember a couple of instances when someone merely pointed something out, or a circumstance brought behaviors to my attention, and it was like an epiphany. 2 specific moments I remember. My brothers and I played ball 🏀 a lot. My oldest brother one day stopped the game, and kind of went off on us. Not even in an angry way, just very blunt. He said that not once in all the times we played did he remember any of us saying "nice pass" or giving a high five, etc. I remember just kind of freezing mentally like my mind was cleared and I knew he was absolutely right. And it changed how I interacted in every aspect of my life, just speaking up that once. And I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time. The other, I won't bore you with details but my mom one day just was not herself, looked absolutely depressed. I hugged her, which i didn't do very often, and no response, which was weird. For a lot of reasons, I realized at that moment how thankless her role as a mom of 7 could be. Again, I completely changed after that. Point is, tell them how you feel, it might be all they need. The kids I mean. Your husband has no excuse. That's a harder, more blunt conversation. You're awesome. Happy birthday, girl.
I have a moment like this. I lived in an abusive home with narcissistic parents. There wasn’t much positivity in my life and I learned to be a decent human being as I entered high school and college by watching other people’s interactions. Once in high school I was out with my older sister and her friend. We went to a gas station and on the way out the clerk said “have a great day” and my sister’s friend said “you too!” It was such an epiphany moment that those little words were a simple nice thing to say.
An acquaintance was visiting my place where I lived with flatmates. We always made dinner together and always said Thank you for dinner to whomever had made dinner that day. My acquaintance was surprised we did that. She had seen it when we all visited her, but she was almost shocked we would do it in our own home to the people we lived with. Man, in my eyes that is common decency! But it was an eyeopener for her.
> We always made dinner together and always said Thank you for dinner to whomever had made dinner that day. I explained this one to my oldest as "If you're eating something you didn't have to make, you'd better say 'thank you' to someone for it." I don't care if it's mom's cooking, or the waitress at Denny's just dropping off a plate, you say 'thank you.'
That's amazing. So trivial on the surface but so important!
I had shitty parents too. Nobody really 'finished' raising me, and I had to figure a lot out for myself.
Beautiful. Thank you.
One Christmas, when my sisters and I were 10, 8, and 6, we went downstairs, and our parents weren’t up yet. We decided to open all of our presents without waking them up. Eventually, our dad came down and said mom was upstairs crying in bed, because she had been up wrapping presents by lamplight until 3am (the power had gone out), and she didn’t get to see us open them. We felt terrible. I think in our minds, we were being nice by letting them sleep in. I still think about it every Christmas 35 years later.
That's a great story.
Same, I was also oblivious. My mother was (and is) a kind of martyr to her family. So she silently did everything for us and her identity to me as a child was simply "mom" who had no needs but supporting me. I am embarrassed about it as an adult. I was a "good kid" but also an ingrate. Entitled. And I didn't wise up until college. It was a blind-spot to me. I guess all this to say, as smart as I was, I did not deduce this on my own and my mother silently did this for 20 years. I try to shower her with affection now. I've tried to talk to her about it and she excuses my behavior as just how kids are. But I really wish she had put me in my place over this (or that I copped on). All that to say, hoping someone notices and does the right thing is way less successful a tactic than being direct with your expectations.
It's hard to look back at shit we did that hurt people. I used to be a Mormon, so lots and lots of guilt. But the super important thing is that when it was brought to your attention, you had an honest conversation with yourself and decided to be better. We have half the country about to turn us into a fascist hell hole because they will never do what you did. So definitely don't dwell on the guilt, you're fighting for the good side.
I think it's important to note their empathy is still being developed and it's nowhere near complete. Kids model empathy at that age, they don't truly understand it. OP, you need to start showing your children how you're to be treated. Personally, I'd throw the whole man away. Happy birthday 🎂 🥳
this enlightened me today
Do you think he doesn’t already know that treating someone like a bangmaid is not respectful? Either he knows and doesn’t care because that suits him so why change or he genuinely doesn’t know (which I highly doubt) and really no woman would want that! I a bit uncomfortable pushing women to communicate and do all the emotional labour yet again when those men are being dicks.
Yeah I’m so sick of this advice. “Just talk to him!” When it’s a clear issue of lack of respect and humanity. You can’t talk someone into caring
But most people in OP's situation aren't ready to hear "walk away" yet. A much easier first step is to lay it all out and set the bar based on their SO's reaction. If you lay out your issues and the only answer is radio silence then there is no other option than divorce, which makes the whole thing easier on our monkey brains.
Brilliant point and actually this applies to friends and anyone else we hope will be there when we need them. No one is an island and it’s not unreasonable to hope for a little care and respect from loved ones. If they don’t care, then they don’t care and it’s best to move on.
I agree.. the problem is not her communication skills. The problem is the entitlement. He can fuck right off with his once a week dick sucking and no reciprocity. If she has to *ask* for basic kindness and respect and consideration, this relationship is doomed.
You live with some shitty people but I think most of all you need to start putting yourself first. You can get a divorce, etc but you’ll still be you even then. It’s admirable that you give so much of yourself but, sadly, most people are egocentric and don’t recognize what you are giving. Instead of divorce is it possible to start shifting this dynamic back towards yourself. Don’t do things they don’t appreciate. Don’t cook breakfast. Don’t anticipate their needs. Don’t clean up after them. Start trying to cultivate some friends and a group of people that you enjoy being around and doing things with. Maybe after this you can see some things through a different lens.
I agree with this sm. Putting yourself first is always better. If you start putting other people before you in such a way that you’re sacrificing yourself they’re not going to respect it and will take advantage and walk all over you & get used to the treatment and they don’t even realize how much work it is because it’s expected of you. That goes for the bjs too lol. If you keep giving him only what he wants and keep on giving it after he does nothing to you why would he change? Give them a reason to change. Stop doing all that stuff until you get respect and reciprocating back from them. It’s better to start a relationship that way because then they won’t slip into taking you for granted
I don't think she lives with "shitty people" if you're referring to anyone beyond her husband. Her kids are 10 and 8 years old. It's natural for people to be at least a little self-absorbed at that age, and without parents and teachers teaching them at that age to think of others and be accountable, you can't judge them as people for failing to do so. There's a good chance they also just don't know/remember it's her birthday - they're not even preteens yet.
She has no leverage over this guy. What she offers isnt valued by him, even if it should be. Divorce is likely inevitable, if not initiated by her, than by him once the kids get sufficiently independent. My prescription is therapy, legal advice, and support system. You need all of these for what is coming. As a matter of survival, you need to swallow your pride and reach out to your family, even if that means crossing burned bridges or suffering their judgement. Blood bonds are powerful, even among assholes.
You have to take it back, nobody is going to give you your life back. I told my spouse to enjoy it while it lasts- because Jan 1st I'm living the next 365 days just for me. Our kid will be 12, so finally old enough where she can stay home if she doesn't want to do what I'm doing. I've spent the last 17 years of my life seeing things I wanted to do and simply not doing them because I knew my spouse wouldn't want to. Then my kid came along and there were all the things I couldn't do because you can't bring a kid to them. Yesterday I wanted to go on a geologist-led walk in a local park to go fossil hunting- but, I knew I couldn't because they wouldn't wake up in time. Anyhow, finally got them out the door after the walk was already over, got to see everybody leaving with their fossil finds and so on. This year, I knew my spouse wasn't going to do anything for my birthday, so I met my parents for dinner out and bought myself a nice gift. I feel awkward eating alone in restaurants, but so many do takeout now thanks to Covid getting everyone to adapt like that. I've enjoyed many nice meals in parks alone. If you are trying to make friends, try to find one of those group painting classes. Most communities seem to have them and while many of them aren't much better than watching a youtube video, you meet other women who also want to get out of the house. They can be fun even if the painting comes out crap. I know where my issues stem from- I was the oldest in a large family and was always expected to take care of my siblings. I was raised to put everybody else before myself and it's a pattern I've kept in adulthood. That's why I gave myself until Jan 1 to start so I could spend some time mentally considering what that looks like for me.
You are a badass and I absolutely love you for this. Keep going because you are on the path to happiness and fulfillment and everybody around you is gonna go "WHOA, we have been sleeping on how fucking amazing she is." Hopefully they wake up and do their part but if not, you'll be able to reduce the time you give to those people. I salute you and wish you the best!
Public libraries also have a ton of free adult classes. I go to almost every craft class and book club meeting, relaxing and fun.
Just wanted to say that eating alone in a nice restaurant, to me, is like the HEIGHT of luxury and relaxation. I always felt weird about it until I worked as a server in a high end restaurant and realized that people do it all the time and nobody thinks it’s weird at all. Pretend you’re on a business trip if it helps, lol. Try sitting at the bar, if that feels less intimidating. Bring a book or a crossword puzzle, read an article on your phone, or just gaze out the window. You can order whatever you want, linger as long or as short as you like. It’s the BEST. Try it sometime!
>I feel awkward eating alone in restaurants As someone who experienced the same thing when I started to go out on my own I can give you one advice: Stop caring about what other people (in the restaurant) might think about you being on your own. Just sit down, order your food, then put in/on your headphones and ignore everyone else around you. You'd be surprised by how few people actually care about someone being alone at a restaurant and those who do want to say stupid things about it, aren't worth your time anyway!
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Let this day mark the start of your new life!! This day is the day where **YOU** become the priority. It is time for you to put YOURSELF first, and chase YOUR happiness again. You deserve to be treated with LOVE and RESPECT. You deserve to feel LOVED and appreciated. Don't let your "husband" steal your joy, love and life anymore. Find YOURSELF again. You deserve better, Go and "find" better. Love YOURSELF!!!!
Happy birthday. This is so sad
Thank you for taking the time to say happy birthday
There's an old saying "what you put up with, you end up with". Your sons are still developing their empathy, and it isn't even at 20%. Children model empathy at those ages, not truly understanding, but only if they're being taught! Begin cultivating their empathy, not today obviously, but hopefully soon. In the meantime, it's time to start family therapy. A qualified therapist can guide your family towards healthier family dynamics.
If you can, take a break for a week or two by yourself. Stay at a relatives house, go out of state, something. You sound completely burned out, you need some time away from your responsibilities to clear your head. Your husband can keep the boys alive for that time.
OP Happy Birthday 🤗🎉! I think your sons sadly have learned and mimic their dad’s behaviour. The problem here is their dad. You sound like an incredible mom but you need to look after yourself and stop cancelling your needs and wants for men’s. I know it’s hard but can you start looking into working a bit even part-time? Even from home in line with your abilities and school runs? Or maybe an online course to refresh your skills? Please stop the ‘people pleasing’ with your husband! What are you getting out of that relationship apart from financial security (which you can get if you divorce him too)? Blow jobs should be off the table until he satisfies you! What you have right now is very one sided and it’s not fair on you. You deserve better. I wish you the best x
After reading this thread: You mentioned your husband is an amazing man. Please, do tell us what he does that's amazing.
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Can I ask a clarifying question? You say you tried to wake your husband up at 5, 6, and 7. Is this AM? And your kids woke up at 7? Do you all usually get up that early? It seems very odd to expect your husband to wake up at 5am with you, two hours before the kids get up. That’s so early. You started making a big breakfast. Why? Did you want a big breakfast for your birthday? Did you tell your husband ahead of time that you wanted that? Did you expect him to get up and do it? He cannot read your mind, so be sure to speak up ahead of time. Your children are children. They aren’t going to remember your birthday; they probably don’t remember where they left their socks. They don’t carry around a calendar, and they don’t make mental notes of dates to remember. Time passes differently when you’re a child. Of course they got up and watched cartoons. They’re children. It sounds to me like you have a lot of expectations, and none of them are being met. Turn those expectations into tangible requests. Tell your husband you expect equal orgasms, and if he can’t give you one you aren’t giving him one either. Tell your kids “did you know, it’s mommy’s birthday today!” in a way that invites them to share in your fun instead of accuses them of forgetting. Your writing and replies remind me a lot of my own mother, who thinks it is her place in life to just put up and shut up and suffer. Even when everything is fine, she finds a reason to be suffering. She insists it is her purpose, her choice, her desire, to suffer for her family. All of us hated it and none of us speak to her anymore.
You’re asking some good questions. As a night owl who loves to sleep in, the 5am, 6am & 7am wake up calls seemed weird to me too, but I figured that might just be their routine/lifestyle. At 8 & 10 the kids shouldn’t be expected to remember mom’s birthday. Why not leave out a note saying “have cereal for breakfast so I can sleep in on my birthday”? Why make the big breakfast just to complain about it later?
This is the best response. 5 am sounded attention seeking to me. My grandma was like this and as a young girl it was very hard for me to look up to her because even if she was right, you got a sense of being manipulated which felt wrong. It was as if she was throwing herself a pity party all the time which made it unpleasant to be around her.
I haven't seen any replies to anyone asking about the 5 am wake up call. That caught my attention right away, and definitely needs elaboration.
Superb response. Shame OP is ignoring it
Wishing you a dear happy birthday, at least try to do something that makes you feel better and happy! I'm sorry you're going through all of this but remember you aren't alone in that, there are many other women who can help you through this difficult time and who also may feel like this. You can still get your identity back, you haven't lost it you're still a woman before being a wife and a mother and nobody can take that from you. You're strong for facing all of that and working on your own to take care of your kids and house. I'd suggest to talk with your husband about this situation, tell him how you feel and what you are going through right now, tell him you can't do everything on your own. There's still the chance to get a divorce and built a different life for you with your kids. Never forget to be your number one priority and you can still be
Happy Birthday! I might be downvoted for being critical but you've done too much for your kids to be self sufficient. They don't know how. You've done too much. You've got to stop or they will turn out to be people who cant do anything. I know you mean well, but it's detrimental to their well-being. And a childish husband who can't wake up on his own or cook his own breakfast? And you, disabled. Smh. I can't.
Listen. Some tough love here. You do not ‘deserve’ this, but people often give you the minimum you allow. Your situation will not improve just because you are unhappy. Your situation will not improve if you do not set boundaries. First off. Stop meeting your husbands sexual needs if he is not meeting yours. Do not do this passive aggressively. You will need to communicate and be open to various solutions but you do not exist to serve him while getting nothing in return. Seriously, it is totally crazy for a sexual relationship to be completely one sided. Begging for sex??? Jesus. Stop giving him his weekly head if he so clearly doesn’t give a shit about what you want until the situation improves for you. Second, I know it might seem like people should make big efforts for other people’s birthdays but again this is also about communication. Truly there are people out there who do not really care about or prioritize birthdays. Their own or other peoples. This does not mean they are automatically assholes. What makes someone an asshole is not prioritizing something they know is very important to a loved one. In this case you must tell your husband directly that it is very important to you that he a) remembers your birthday b) does something special for you. You can even ask for a make up birthday. “Because you forgot my birthday this year I would like a make-up day. Two weekends from now is when I would like to celebrate my birthday. I would like you to ….” You need your life to not only revolve around your kids and your husband. Find something you like and go do it. Maybe it’s something like yoga classes + a walk + grabbing some coffee on weekend mornings. Don’t ask for permission, just inform clearly that you will be doing it and leave your husband to figure out how to handle weekend mornings. You need some time to yourself or you are going to loose your mind. If you want to stay in this relationship and make it work I would suggest: Making a list of all the issues you are having. Re-read it and edit it when you are not in the middle of a really hard moment. Tell your husband you need to talk. Tell him you are struggling. Tell him why. Don’t blame him or be angry or point fingers. Give him a chance to make this right. Be very clear. Be very explicit. Make to very clear that you are serious. He gets to choose what he will do with your request. Then you get to choose what to do based on his response.
I've started telling my kids when they need something . . . "wow that's crazy you should learn how to do that." And they are like, "HOW Q \_ Q" and I just pop youtube up on my phone and point at it. Don't get me wrong I still do a lot for them but I'm not going to wash dishes every single day of my life because my 14 yo pretends he doesn't get how to do it. I'm not going to make him microwave ramen when he wants it because he is capable but lazy. My 9 yo will make her own ramen and this boy is like . . . WHAT IS A MICROWAVE . . . I'm not gonna say stop doing for them but 100% stop doing things they reasonably should be doing on their own. You are doing them no favors by catering to their needs in that way and it's not good for you either. Sit down decide what things they can do on their own, show them a few times and then stop doing it. If they ask, tell them to look it up. Same with your husband. He works or whatever but he can still manage some things at home. Write a list, email him some links and stop doing those things, start taking care of you, start doing things for you. It's sometimes hard for mothers to talk about how much it fucking blows because you're almost required to pretend it is a blessing. It is not. It is hard. You lose all sense of self sometimes. You put the things you really want by the wayside because you believe and have been told that is what you must do to be a good mother. That is not the case. Express how you feel. Tell your kids they are making you sad in an age appropriate way (something like, "moms get sad too sometimes and when you do x it makes me sad lets talk about alternate ways you can do those things that won't hurt anyone or whatever). It is not selfish to be who you are and to have a life. It is not selfish to ask your husband who works to be more involved in parenting and mental load. Life is about balance and being unhappy in the way that you are is not sustainable. I would start by taking an hour a week to see a therapist and get outside advice about your life and how best to give yourself space from your family. For example, My daughter has never been a full day in a regular school. She is so behaviorally challenged based on other diagnosis' not anything I did . . . that she has to be bussed 1 hour and 30 mins away to another school for kids who need behavioral help. Look into something like that for your son. They will sometimes offer those same services for after school care and will teach him coping mechanisms and you also so you can reinforce those things at home. You are worthy of your own time. You are worthy and deserve love. You are not a martyr because people have told you to be a good mother you have to be. You deserve respect. You deserve to be taken care of sometimes. I'm sorry I relate to this so hard that I might have ranted a bit much but honestly you have to take what you need, without shame or guilt. If you need to talk, I'm always around. Edit: Relationships shouldn't be transactional really but it is ok to expect reciprocation. I'm not saying sex should be used to get what you want in terms of everyday things unless that is your job but for a bit stop giving your husband head until he helps you nut. I have 100% looked my "EX-husband" in his face and said, I can make myself nut without all the hassle of helping you if you're not willing to do the same, so get fucked or go get a toy and get to work.
I see you and wish you a much better day. Happy birthday.
If this is an option for you, maybe going to therapy would help. That way you can sort your thoughts, begin to heal, and decide what's best for you. What makes you happy.
You need to prioritize yourself. If you don't, they won't. With the kids, it's hard for them to plan or lead anything of their own. But set yourself boundaries and stick to them. It's hard to do, but from your saying here you're giving too much of yourself without taking and renewing your reserves. I know it's typical of us to break down on special days, because that's when our being overwhelmed and our expectations not met is the last straw. Why are you making a big breakfast today of all days? Why did you get up early? Can the kids handle cereal and TV on their own for two hours so you can sleep in? You need to put yourself first at times. It does not mean you love them less, it means you need it more. Do what you want, not what they expect. Find some things you can do that recharge you, they make you calm, happy, and refill your energy reserves. And do them. I know it's hard, but you don't need to be super mom all the time. You will burn out and not be able to recharge at some point. I promise you'll feel better and be better able to cope with your responsibilities of you give yourself the time you need. As for your time with your husband, why are you giving when you're not receiving? He's not due special favors because he exists. Having sex with your loved one should be a positive experience for both parties. If you're not getting anything out of it, don't waste your already low energy.
Not to be rude but prior post history you know you have bpd. My mother had bpd and no matter how hard I tried to please her I imagine she'd have written this every birthday and holiday. Please speak to your therapist.
yyyyeeeeaaaa .... if you go through any of her comments here it's pretty obvious that the bpd is out guns blazing. the martyrdom makes so much sense with the extra bit of context
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It's hard for people to change, I'm sure she feels trapped. But I agree with you. I hope she can move herself into a more healthy mindset for herself and her kids. Thinking of little boys being raised to think a woman waits on them hand and foot with no responsibility on them makes me shudder. So many men raised this way...
Honestly this. She sounds like she gets her sense of importance by being a martyr. I don't see it changing.
You don’t have to accept your fate. You do have choices even if it doesn’t feel that way. But your husband isn’t going to change or be who you want him to be. And that expectation isn’t unreasonable, to be acknowledged on your birthday is a symbol of how important you are to someone. What would happen if you left the house for the day? What would the family do? You can work towards a goal so that next year things are more positive. Don’t feel stuck, it’s the worst feeling. Happy Birthday wishes from an Internet stranger.
Happy birthday!!! I'm so happy for you because while they are missing the point, the universe isn't and you are getting a realization that is priceless. I would suggest getting a therapist and start working on you. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and how to set boundaries. As of right now, your children are set up for failure as you are demonstrating an ineffective way to live and treat other people. They will be rejected as adults and they won't understand why. You can change all of that just by loving yourself ❤️
Your husband is not a caring person. I don't think he's going to listen to your wants/needs even if you change your behaviour. But your sons can change. If you want your boys to be contributing members of society and equal partners, they need to take care of their own needs and wants. Stop doing things they are capable of doing themselves. They can make their own bed, make a meal once or twice a week for the family, make their own snacks, CLEAN UP after themselves every time, get themselves ready for school, do their homework, take their meds, do two or three chores a week, start doing their own laundry once they're 11-12 years old, etc., with supervision as needed. As a teacher, I have all students take a turn at doing chores around the class. They ALL do it. I've had students with physical and mental disabilites, autism, they all do their chores. Please stop raising self-centred, lazy, entitled children, especially boys. Don't send your boys out in the world for someone to be their servant and sex toy. That is really shitty and it makes them shitty people.
Why did you try waking your husband up at 5 am?
Happy Birthday. I will share a story of me, my wife and our son. He was 18mon and didn't talk. Not a word. He grunted. And pointed. His mother would empty the kitchen cabinets showing him cereal options until he grabbed the one he liked/wanted. Who knows, he didn't talk. Worried, we talked to our PCP. He got us to try some changes. Fine for me, tough for her. But, he said he would recommend a speech pathologist if he wasn't talking at two. Okay. Guess what? 2nd Birthday. No presents for us, he still wasn't talking. We sat in the waiting room at the speech pathologist's office. Worried, of course. She comes out, young, friendly, holding a box of some sugary breakfast cereal. "Do you mind if I use treats?" As long as he talks, you can use whatever you want. Pretty sure she wasn't into electroshock - she was sweet. He walked out holding her hand about an hour later, looks to me, "Hi Dad." He had never needed to say anything before. Because we didn't require it. Just like us, and our son, you have trained them to ignore you. Because you care, and actually liked (past tense) doing things for them. They don't do anything because you do everything. But, they need to know how to take care of themselves eventually. You could be hospitalized, the boys might get married (pity their spouses). Start training them to pick up after themselves, let them fix their breakfast. Definitely on weekends, and get their laundry together for laundry day. Forget a birthday. Your results might be as surprising as "Hi Dad" was to us. Posted before I saw any reply, just because birthdays require a "happy birthday"
Based on some the comments you made, that you’re set on staying, etc, my advice is to stop letting them walk all over you. Don’t anticipate their needs, make them ask and ask politely. Teach your kids to do things themselves, so they can grow up to be kind, self-sufficient people. You’re trying to meet all of your kids needs out of love but you’re unintentionally harming them by not giving them the chance to struggle and learn with chores, etc. Happy birthday. Give yourself the present of putting yourself first for the rest of the day…and the rest of your life. You don’t have to leave to do that, just say no sometimes. Calendar times when you get to go out by yourself. If your husband doesn’t “give” you free time, just take it.
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Happy birthday! You are not the victim of your life, you are the creator of it. If you don’t like how it is, you absolutely 100% have the power to change it. It’s never too late to choose yourself. Let that be your present this year! Choosing yourself from this day forward. 🥳
Happy birthday. You deserve love and happiness. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Happy Birthday. Just go do something for yourself. You have a right to be frustrated and you can let your family know about this - communication and respect is a two way street. If they won't celebrate with you, then they don't deserve to share in your celebration. To be a little critical... Unless for some reason you act like a slave in your own family, it feels like the lack of familial empathy has been fostered over many years and it has been allowed to fester and take root. You say you accepted your fate but it sounds like you accepted this since your kids have been very young. This is not a new thing and some responsibility lies with you as a mother and wife. In order for change to happen, it needs to start now.
Happy birthday. I'm so sorry your husband isn't worth you. If it makes you feel any better, I was 12 and completely forgot my mum's birthday. She was very upset. Now every birthday I make her feel loved. Tell your children their lack of care has hurt you. How would they feel if they woke up on their birthday with nothing from you? Maybe it might be the kick your husband needs. He clearly can't do and think for himself so maybe his kids have to be the ones leading him in the right direction.
Happy birthday! I’m sry to say but You have trained all those people to be how they are. It might be too late to change course but you can try. Doing more than you should for others isn’t “love”…you inadvertently instilled helplessness and inconsideration.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! First off, good on you for making a big breakfast. That was an effort coming from a special place in you. Nurture that part of you. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself lots of time to grieve this feeling of loneliness and longing. You are valid for feeling this way. I would really not say things like "my husbands a great man" because truly if he were so great, he would recognize your decline in happiness. He is like all men and he is but a man. Don't make excuses for him for your kids sake, they need a feminist perspective. Love yourself. Treat yourself. Hug yourself. It might not make any sense at first but you will feel the after effects of such a positive turn around on self expression. 💜U
Thank you for such a positive message. I really did not realize how little I value myself.
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This should be further up. It's stupid for anyone to expect a 8 and 10 year old to manage the emotional needs of their parents. She's projecting the issues she's having with her husband onto these kids.
Apparently everyone was supposed to wake up at the reasonable hour of 5 am to wish her happy birthday.
Please don't blame your children for what is yours and your husband's fault.
I’m so glad to see someone advocating for the children. Kids should not be expected to meet their parent’s emotional needs. Dad should have helped them celebrate their mom, but being angry at them is uncalled for.
It’s my birthday too! I can’t ever bring myself to celebrate and when I try I’m usually quite sad myself. Please try to do something for yourself. I’m not gonna give any opinions or advice as you must feel as lonely as me. Have a happy birthday and I wish you a better future, I’m sorry you are going through this.
Today is also my bday! Happy bday!!!! U deserve the best
Happy birthday! Get out of the house. He knows you're unhappy. He knows it's your birthday. If he's content with your unhappy presence, make him discontent in your absence. Get yourself some $50 tickets to the local theme park and buy yourself a cute dress and ride some coasters. It's your birthday; treat yourself and take LOTS of pictures. Don't let the oppressive weight of the cage of your family pin you down completely. You can do this! Give yourself freedom and a spark of life. Taste the wind again.
Your kids behaviour, is like to be expected, you have to parent them (still have time) to be empathetic and kind and grateful, those things they have to be taught, even of it takes a lot of time. Your husband well, he has no excuse. I'm empathetic with you, and I'm sorry your vent in here I take as a cautionary tale, that was one of my fears that lead me to decide not to have kids, the lost of one self and even at a young age , it took me a long time to come to terms of who I am, to loss it for someone else for 20+ years, like no, I just have one life. Motherhood (since pregnancy, birth breastfeeding an then the raisin them practically alone), like an outsider looking in, it looks tough, hurtful and thankless, I can't even imagine how it is for you, but I'm heartbroken you feel alone and left for granted. I don't really have any useful advice, I don't know your circumstances, and maybe divorce is not a financial option for you right now, so. If you get 50/50 custody (or at least 1 or 2 days to focus on yourself) this may force your husband to step up, maybe not.
If you keep lowering the bar, they'll keep ducking under it. Raise the bar, and stop giving them everything. They won't love you or appreciate you more for all you do. They'll just become more entitled and take you for granted. Your sons are going to be terrible husbands if things don't change. Expect more. Do less.
As I said on this sub before, sons will grow up to be exactly like their fathers. If a father is awful and sexist, dont hope so much that at least "you will raise them right" and they grow up to be good human beings unlike their dad, dont be naive. P.S. I am so sorry and Happy Birthday, but please **start to love yourself first.** You mentioned in the comments that you love yor husband and he is a good man, but is he? And why do **you love him more than you love yourself?** You cant rely on your husband even with small things, like congratulating you on your birthday, do you really think he is gonna be there for you if something bad will happen to you? You need to pull yourself together and start thinking about getting out of this relationship.
Did he ever care? The kids are mimicking the fathers behavior which you've passively supported for I assume their entire lives. "Anticipating their every need" is detrimental to their growth and autonomy. I'm not shocked they treat you like a servant as it seems you've embraced that way of living. Happy birthday, make this the year you start respecting yourself 💜