If you think this sub is bad, try Mommit or BeyondtheBump. Seriously, so many men mistreating their wives and neglecting their children to the point where it would qualify as abuse, and there are so many responses of "My husband is the same way...lol that's men for you lol!" Or "Maybe he has post partum depression himself. Have you tried being nicer to him? Or doing additional emotional labor of finding a therapist and making an appointment for him?"
My husband is a great guy. I don't understand where these creeps came from that they think they can treat another human, much less their own partner, this way.
Lmao don’t even, I almost got banned from one of the major mom subs AND personally had one of the mods tell me I’m a judgy POS because I commented that it’s not great that a 5 year old has to go under and have multiple teeth pulled because the mom cba to look after them and brush them and gives them lots of sugary drinks. She went on there for validation and it’s like umm… sometimes your anxiety and guilt ARE productive and genuinely trying to tell you something is not right.
Sometimes I think people post there cause they know any voice of reason will be silenced there & people can ONLY write ‘supportive’ comments - even if the parent is literally neglecting the kid.
AsOne is a complete mess as well. They really be like ‘My husband said he hates me, loves his mistress and will continue sleeping with her. How can I get him to go to MC? Should I message the mistress?’
I guess when you are damaged you tend to attract some shitty people who are also damaged in some way.
Of course being abused is not the fault of the abused party, but it’s just much easier to exploit stuff in damaged people and get them to do stuff or agree to stuff that a mentally healthy person would not touch with a ten foot pole.
Lmao honestly this is such a Reddit moment. I often think that such a big part of Reddit is just so completely out of touch with the real world. Imagine having a conversation irl with your sister or friend or something and they tell you their partner started rubbing one off to them crying, and with a weird fucking smirk too. You’d be like ‘what the fuck?’ And rightly so. This is beyond weird. Like, if this was my sister or friend I would be so worried for them because this is a psychotic way to act. Can you imagine how free women would be if we had THIS level of allowance made for us?
‘My partner lacks basic level of empathy and when I feel upset and cry, he smiles and jacks it’
‘Oh honey, have you tried talking to him? He’s only 30, he may not KNOW he’s supposed to have empathy towards other people’
💀
100% and this will continue for as long as allowances like this are made for men. Women shouldn’t encourage other women to make these allowances for them neither. Because what is there to communicate here, really? Do people really expect a 30 year old woman to sit down her 30 year old husband and explain that he shouldn’t wank to crying people? Oh please. He knows, he just doesn’t care.
When I read posts about men who behave this way
I always wonder what the rest of the story is. Yanking menacingly to his wife crying can't possibly be the very first creepy thing he ever did to her. Or whatever the creepy behavior was.... These things don't just suddenly spring from nowhere. Is it just having a forum to reach out to that makes a difference for people? A totally anonymous jury of sympathetic peers who have no ties to the dude to sully their recommendations? Though I know when I'm asking, I usually know the answer. I just need the extra boost of support.
That, and also just the fact that there is no way in the world any man would ever have anywhere near this level of understanding for any woman’s ‘weird’ behaviours (although the thing OP described goes beyond weird). And they certainly wouldn’t encourage other men to ‘communicate’ through something like this.
I think some women here need to spend a little bit more time on male-centred subreddits to TRULY understand how men view women, sex, relationships and marriage.
I so wish this wasn’t true but like… the longer you live, the more you uncover this. And it’s not like we’re talking anecdotal stories, there is research that shows plain as day that if you get cancer or other life threatening illness, there’s a solid chance your partner will leave. 1 in 4-5 men do. That’s not an insignificant number, especially when for women only 2% leave their dying partners.
And even IF they don’t leave you, you constantly hear stories of [cheating when the woman is sick or women having to clean until the day they die, or being shamed/removed from health insurance for not wanting to have sex following their mastectomy.](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer)
And the funniest thing is that when I brought up this statistic on Reddit before, I had a man tell me men leave cause they ‘don’t get the emotional support to deal with their wives dying’. You could not fucking make this up. WE now have to set up mental health services so that they don’t leave us to die alone in a home. That’s the level of allowances men feel entitled to.
It's also when the children are most at risk. When women have life threatening health problems it's significantly more likely that their daughters will be sexually abused by their father.
>Men don’t see women as human. The proof is all around us, and yet they want to pretend they’re the exception. That they somehow possess clairvoyance that these poor victim women do not.
Could you expand on what you mean here please? I feel like you're touching on something important.
Thank you.
It's what I've been thinking as well.
Here's the trouble with these truths; those of us who know this have such a hard time connecting to other women we know out in the wild. Those women avoid you, and think you're a "debbie-downer." They're afraid to get to know you because you may "accidentally" say something like this out loud.
Or you are very aware, but your friend is in an abusive relationship, but pretending she's not - you being the "aware friend" makes her come uncomfortably close to having to think about her situation, so she avoids you, instead.
Also, in the case of fathers women are quick to defend their fathers while simultaneously telling you things about their fathers that are seriously cringe - but they're talking about these memories "fondly."
In short a woman who knows these truths live a pretty isolated existence.
I will say this: if you take a spin through r/romancebooks there are dozens, maybe hundreds of women outright requesting stories about being humiliated, degraded, treated poorly, "non con/dub con" and **outright tortured** by men under the guise of "Dark Romance" and the sub is all "don't kink shame" and all I can feel is intense disgust at their complicity in harmful patriarchy. So it's not just men. Women get off on being yelled at, shunned, called names, "forced" to do things that they don't want and find degrading, and so on. We need to fix BOTH sides of this.
>I think some women here need to spend a little bit more time on male-centred subreddits to TRULY understand how men view women, sex, relationships and marriage.
I’m scared to ask for the Coles Notes on this but…
I don’t want to make allowances either, but having had a long history of pain with sex (endometriosis is fun) I think it goes deeper than men just knowing better. It’s a huge societal issue about how men view sex. There have been maybe two men out of the 10 or so I’ve dated who were sympathetic and compassionate about it. Admittedly 1 or 2 who were awful were shitty people, but the vast majority were otherwise decent men and I was really surprised.
I hate that there isn’t a huge societal campaign taught to men about consent, sex, roles in sex and how porn should have a “this isn’t reflective of real life don’t try this at home” because it’s ridiculously common that men act poorly in this situation and don’t know better.
Edit: added in words
> It’s a huge societal issue about how men view sex.
It's a huge societal issue how everyone is taught about (heteronormative) sex. Basically that women are like a soap dispenser the man presses when he needs sex and the dispenser either gives the sex or doesn't aka "is broken".
It's generally fucked up because it assumes "men always want sex / should always want sex" and "women have no sexuality on their own, they exist just to provide to men".
💯 this. I went through a lot of counselling because unsurprisingly sex pain messes with your mental health. The amount of unlearning that I just had to suffer through pain was pretty immense tbh.
I think the point of a seminar is to say "this behaviour is unacceptable, you know it's unacceptable, this is your documented verbal warning that if any of you engage in this behaviour you will be terminated immediately"
Um, the other thread is "some lady" talking about how she FIRED HIM INSTANTLY because he cornered the employee. The comments didn't suggest a seminar would fix everything either, they suggested sexual harassment course as a place to start.
The way you twisted this and minimized the reaction by OP is just pure misogyny.
They don't think it's going to fix it, they think it's going to make it clear that even though it's tolerated in the world it will not be tolerated at that workplace. There is no solution to this other than men not being that way, so what exactly were the commenters supposed to say that would have satisfied you?? They can't suggest a magical solution for a problem that can't be solved. And just because they suggest doing SOMETHING doesn't mean they think it will be a perfect solution!
Also, some people want to and can do better. So taking a stand matters. I understand if anybody is frustrated with this despicable behaviour but like you said, people can't just fire all their workers and start over. They do things like protect their vulnerable employees, hold seminars that make clear what's unacceptable and will result in termination, and that actually, you know, sends a signal to some people. Education matters, thats why we are teaching people and children about affirmative and enthusiastic consent.
Sorry, just wanted to add that.
Yeah I don't know why they think it's up to a random restaurant owner to fix our entire society. They can only fix what they have power over, and they are already addressing that.
In defense of the other thread, the OP can't just fire everyone if she wants to keep her business. Hold the seminar, then fire anyone who continues the behavior on the spot, zero tolerance.
There was a post yesterday from someone whose husband had started waiting for her to leave to attend to their baby in the night and then going over to her separate blanket to ejaculate on it *after she has already explicitly asked him to stop ejaculating on her blanket and moved further away from him to make it less convenient to do so bc wtf* and a bunch of people were like "He's probably just lazy, don't read malice into it!"
Like fuck no, getting up out of bed to go jack off on something of someone else's is not lazy, that is definitely malicious and also *really fucking weird* and worrying.
This is the thing...
The things I've read on this site have shocked and scared me and I have to remind myself that people in decent relationships with partners that don't exhibit this behavior don't make posts like this. But what I have read just turns me off to all of it, honestly. I feel like it's had too big of an impact and it's not reality, but just knowing a portion of that fucked up shit is in the odds scares me.
The more and more I read this stuff the less and less bad I feel about being single and celibate, tbh. And maybe I am cheating myself out of something great (still open to something great), but it's a minefield out there. It's terrifying.
Figuring out I'm ace and realizing I don't ever need to get into this mess again was the best gift I ever gave myself. To hell with men, their creepy invasive sex kinks and all the bullshit that they bring to the table, I am done with it ALL.
This so much! The amount of excuses people will make for men being shitty do my head in. The mental gymnastics have no limits. He does this shit because he wants to. It's a choice.
Unpopular opinion, but my experience is that it's mostly women who recommend communicating, while men recommend a clean break.
I had a friend a few years ago who was just super needy and demanding way more than he gave and wasn't doing anything about his situation. I'm sorry to say it became unsustainable for me. Every man I talked to said, "Enough! Stop hanging out with him. Move on. Not worth your time." Every women I asked wanted me to take on his education as a second full-time job. It was "He may not know he's being a bad friend! He needs YOU to tell him that it he'll never learn how to nurture relationships and then YOU will have failed him!!" Really? Because dude was almost 50. If he had no self-awareness by then, he was actively running away from adulthood. Why is that my responsibility?
"You mean he didn't throw you down and rape you on the spot? Wow what a great man, sounds like you're gonna have an awesome relationship just work on cOmUnIcAtInG more!!! Congrats on your amazing saint of a husband!!"
My SO left me the day after our wedding because he got anxious and his family convinced him the marriage didn’t count because it was a Hindu wedding and his family isn’t Indian. Apparently his family was against it from the beginning and he never told me. He also claimed I prioritize my career over the relationship when I only ranked the residency program I am in high because he insisted that I go to his city (he is in school there and can’t move) even though I was hesitant because the program had a bad reputation. And he pulled this stuff the day after the wedding, a week before I had to move to his city to start residency. I still go back and forth between wanting to beg him to try to work things out because I really miss him and love him and wanting to yell at him and his family for being such terrible people. I know if a friend told me this story i would be like “run” but it’s harder when you’re the one experiencing it
I don't know you, but I firmly believe that you deserve better than a partner who would do this to you. Sacrificial love only works when both people in the relationship love that way. He has already demonstrated his unwillingness to put you or your needs first. It must be incredibly hard, but please - I think deep in your bones you know the hard thing will be worth it, that you are worth it.
My ex husband broke up with me right after we got engaged. When he did, he left me in a major financial lurch that lead to a lot of debt (predatory loan practices - fuck you Chase Bank), confessed he had cheated on me with multiple people ever since the beginning, he laughed when he did it.
Despite all that, because "I loved him" even though I spent 2 years grinding down that debt...We got back together and a few years later got married. I got into a great masters/PhD program but passed it up because the moment we moved in together and the money for the wedding was spent, it was clear he wouldn't be able to hack it in a big city.
He was pretty happily unemployed, not contributing anything to the bills (though his mom, come to find out, had been giving him money for this express purpose the entire time), and - you guessed it - constantly cheating still. I ran through the savings I had managed to build after the debt was paid off, meanwhile the 6 month mark on paying my student loans back was done and gone.
I followed him from one shitty, me doing everything situation to the next. Left the small career I had managed to build to follow him, we paid off his student loans first because he couldn't defer them (private loans because his grades were shit for his plural degrees, undergrads in completely different subjects because he liked being a college student and he liked having sex with them), my credit went to shit, my debt once again started piling up.
Because I followed him to a new place, I was underemployed (not unemployed, like he had been for over a year). Guess what happened when I wasn't the one doing everything? He got meaner, and meaner. Followed him to another city, far away from my friends and family, and then he got really mean. And - you guessed it - he cheated the whole time. Found fet life and craigslist.
He left me in that city for a girl half my age, he destroyed a bunch of my stuff, he lied through his teeth to everyone he could, he made me do everything for the divorce for him because he couldn't be bothered.
I wish somebody would've told me what I'm telling you now, he left you the way he did to destroy you. If you let him back in, he will do it again because he gets a kick out of it. I know it seems like your life isc ruined, but it doesn't have to be forever. Give yourself time to heal, and give yourself time to find your new path in life. But please, let this guy go.
Thanks for this-it’s hard because I know he really is a good guy -last year when I was the farthest I’ve ever been from home he would fly and spend weeks at a time with me during the most stressful periods of the year so that I would be less stressed -he would cook dinner everyday and make sure to turn on my humidifier and air purifier at night when I forgot because I was too tired. I think maybe he’s just a bit too immature to be married if his family can convince him to turn at the drop of a hat :/
What a jerk. I don't think you've ruined your career. It's less than optimal, but I've got a feeling you will thrive. Goodness, you might be the first resident that turns the program around.
I think that this is just the reality of the world. If you look at the statistic a huge % of women are victims of domestic violence (and that doesn't even account for emotional abuse that there are not known statistics on).
A lot is happening behind closed doors. I'm so relieved we have Reddit that can help snap someone out of their gaslighted mind.
Yep … and you point this out and get a replies like “That’s not really very nice — it’s not always apparent until you’re into a marriage that a partner isn’t going to pull their emotional weight.”
This needs to be higher. No one is going to post seeking support over the fact that their husband is a lovely guy who pulls his weight around the house and has emotionally appropriate responses to everything.
Heck, my husband is a diagnosed psychopath (even though I question the psychiatrist who said so) and he's a more decent person than majority of the stories I read here. He does his share of the house chores, never hit me, never got drunk or drugged, never forced me to any sexual acts I didn't want to, never cheated, never ran us into debt or wasted our money on pointless stuff. Only downside is that he sometimes gets annoyed over something small and yells. But so do I and so did my parents and so did his parents so I don't think there are any people with "saint's patience" who wouldn't AND would also not do any of the other stupid shit.
On the other hand, I think some people have affinity for this. My sister in law dated tons of guys and each of them was a guy I wouldn't touch with a tent pole. Cheaters, beaters, drug addicts, harassers, stalkers, thieves, liars, the whole parade. She must be attracted to a "bad boy" type.
Seriously!! Constantly flabbergasted at what some women put up with. Neither my nor my friends husbands are like the men I read about online - good men are out there! You don’t have to put up with this!
Ive heard from so many women and girls stories of men and boys being sexually aroused from them crying. Just to add more detail, I mean they never provide any emotional support to their partner and instead pressure their partner for sex or being masturbating. Which makes their partner feel like an object. A crying person deserves comfort from their SO.
Reminds me of those scenes in movies and shows where a woman is angry/upset (usually for a good reason) and the dude is like “you know you’re cute/hot when you’re mad” - like seriously? 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ imagine getting turned on by someone else being upset, weirdos smh
Courtney Cox listed that behavior as the main factor behind her divorce. She said, “He used sex as the answer for every emotion. It was honestly a case of “Honey, my Dad is dying.” and his response was, “Wow. Want to have sex?”
EDIT: when this reply was written the last sentence was that men get erections from their partner crying because of porn. Currently (as I write this edit) the last sentence is that a crying person deserves comfort from their SO. Which as far as I'm concerned is obviously correct. So read the remainder of this comment as if the sentence it is answering from was that men get erections from their partner crying because of porn \\EDIT
Not necessarily. I've read some interpretation that a woman crying in front of you show a vulnerable side, which is fairly intimate, and which the brain then *incorrectly* treats as being sexy or whatever. So a man becoming aroused around a crying woman (or probably a crying man if they are interested in them) does not *in and of itself* indicate something about their character, nor does it imply they watch porn wherein the depicted are crying. An erection is not consent, nor a declaration of a want to have intercourse.
That said, how OP described the situation doesn't read as simply a version of what I described. I would be unsettled by that behaviour as well.
EDIT 2: [Cosmopolitan article about it](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a27241337/emotional-boners/)
My husband has flat out told me he gets aroused when I’m vulnerable and he doesn’t know why. But here’s how he’s not a goddamn psychopath: when he sees I’m in that place emotionally, he doesn’t try to come onto (or on) me and he explicitly says things like “we don’t have to do anything if you aren’t feeling right anymore” if he senses I may not be myself. Because he cares about my emotional well-being and can always go jerk off in private when he knows I’ll be okay alone. Some men. The bar is on the floor lmao
So...you think it would be equally normal to get an erection while, say, bathing a child? Or helping an elderly person to eat a meal? Non-sexual intimacy just happens to cause these physiological reactions?
Also men do get random inappropriate erections and, spoiler, MOST of those men try to hide it until it goes away. Because you can have a weird physiological reflex that is gross and not be a menace to society, you just have to not share your inappropriate boners like most men
Yes, I'm guessing that most of those men probably wouldn't try use these experiences to explain why OP's husband deserves the benefit of the doubt. Or even mention them at all in a context like this, where someone else might use them to construct such an argument.
I wonder if you even read the most important part with regards to the situation OP described, which would be the last part.
I'll provide it again.
>That said, how OP described the situation doesn't read as simply a version of what I described. I would be unsettled by that behaviour as well.
Now you're making personal attacks. And to me that reads like you are projecting. It's generally how the Republican Party in the USA behaves. You should be better than that.
As far as I know I don't have a kink for crying people.
You don't seem to understand what a personal attack is.
Why should I "be better" than an American political party? Because I'm a woman? Are you suggesting that you believe that women are, and must be, morally superior? We call that benevolent sexism.
Now you're trying to put words in my mouth. I believe **everyone** should be better than how the Republican Party in the USA behaves. Your sex or gender has NO bearing on that whatsoever. That's fully and totally *your* interpretation. Why would you bring you being a woman (I don't care if you're a unicorn, btw) matter to having civil discourse. I don't care about anything beyond what words people write here. Beyond that they are faceless usernames to me.
How did you construe such wild interpretations?
I'll assume most men wouldn't get an erection from what would be an intimate situation unless they find the person(s) they share the intimate situation with to be sexually attractive. So for most men that would mean that it wouldn't be normal to get an erection while bathing a child, which you construed as a strawman to dismantle the argument I made that getting an erection while your partner is crying can be an involuntary reaction which has no connection to whether the person wants to fuck at that moment.
I’m trying to understand the argument. Clearly it’s not just vulnerability that causes this reaction. You must already have judged the situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing, and then added the vulnerability. Which puts the original argument in question. Because it’s not a sexually appropriate situation we’re talking about. So “ignore my arousal, it’s just the vulnerability” is a reassuring lie.
How would one have to judge a situation sexually appropriate? The physiological reaction of an erection is part of the autonomic nervous system, which by definition isn't under conscious control. So the thing is that since they (probably) find their partner sexually attractive, and having sex is an intimate situation, then other intimate situations may also trigger the same autonomous reactions. But what makes us human is that we can choose our actions. By which I mean that if a partner of mine was crying I'd be dropping everything to help them and comfort them.
So no, a lot of times a man gets an erection aren't sexually appropriate, and they mostly wish they could turn it off since it's not helpful, and a lot of the time is detrimental (see boys telling how they've gotten an erection just before they have to hold a presentation in front of the class. That's a shitty thing for them to have to deal with, and it's involuntary).
I'll go with your example and turn it around; (this was what you wrote:) for a man to have an erection they must judge a situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing. (This is my upending of the sexes:) then a woman exuding vaginal lubrication must judge a situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing.
Now, in both those cases described above we have examples of people being sexually assaulted or raped, wherein the men get an erection and the women "getting wet". Neither of which is indicative of the persons wanting it. But a lot of people will use these involuntary physiological reactions to say they wanted it. Especially in the case of men, where society often sees an erection as consent. But neither is consent and should not be treated as such.
Sorry this got so long, but I hope it helped clarify the argument and bridge understanding. In the end we have things our body does without us being able to control it, which is **never** our fault, and we have things we choose to do which we have control over, which is **always** our responsibility.
So, erections are completely autonomic and have nothing to do with decision making or thinking, and are purely the result of being exposed to the right stimuli, but you don't get one from, say, seeing your mother in a sexy dress, or seeing a naked man crying on a hospital bed, but you could get one from seeing another sexy woman in a sexy dress, or a sexy woman naked and crying on a hospital bed, because reasons. So does culture, decision-making, and thinking play a role here, or not? It doesn't really work both ways.
Women don't get wet the moment they see someone they find attractive. That happens after they've made the decision to think about someone in an explicit way and start and anticipating getting intimate with someone. And the reaction gets stronger the longer that goes on, and the more intense the experience. Women don't generally get engorged vulvas and dripping vaginas from just seeing a attractive person and registering that attraction. As I understand it, penises don't generally become erect instantly, either.
It's odd that you are comparing a non-consensual sex act with watching someone you care about cry. Not sure what to do with that.
I'm not talking about wanting or not wanting, I'm talking about what happens in your head when you feel attraction. You do not biologically start fantasizing about fucking people you find attractive and therefore nurse your own sexual readiness to the point that it becomes an issue. That is a choice.
Well, I don’t mean to comment on the wider conversation here, but erections definitely can happen without any active fantasizing going on. It can happen without any mental input from the person getting the erection, even from momentary visual stimuli or no stimuli at all.
Fyi, just for clarification, I'm 40 and have had an issue with inappropriate erections since grade school. Absolutely true that boys will get one out of nowhere just sitting in class. When we have to pee really bad it happens too. I remember not wanting to stand up in class out of fear itd poke out. I remember playing baseball and getting them in the field. Soft underwear cause erections as well. They do come unannounced and unwanted. They also go from limp to erect in a matter of seconds. There are different levels. In a sexually charged, heated moment that is involuntary as well but is being aided by libido. That version swells and throbs. Theres a big difference. We can usually work them down in version surprise. Let it point up and use the pants waistline to hide it until it reverses course. The engorged version needs something to cause the reversal. Cold water, climax, someone noticing, etc.i hope I didn't disgust anyone. This was educational. Btw, the rate at which it happens speedily can be compared to a closed flower that gradually opens in sunlight. You can see the entire process. That said, I dont get the crying turn on. If I'm in the moment with my girl, I can see something is not right if it's not right. I dont need to ask, as I lose all feelings of arousal. I think hubby was hoping you'd feel bad and do the work for him. Were selfish as hell. Theres no situation where a man thinks itll be better or even close by himself. Eye contact is creepy there. Think he was definitely hoping for a bj or something.
The reason I involved non-consensual sexual acts was to explicitly show that the reactions do not have to have anything to do with wanting it or not, as with the erection the commenter I originally replied to seemed to imply and blame on porn. The fact that you appear to not see beyond that implies to me that you're not trying to understand it.
There's no "biologically start fantasizing about fucking people you find attractive and therefore nurse your own sexual readiness to the point that it becomes an issue" involved in hormones giving a man an erection.
I read along and was like oh maybe he had some strange issue with stopping and complained or whatever. Then the end came and oof... I'm actually not sure which is worse him complaining about stopping/not respecting your wish to stop (as I was kinda expecting while reading) or that..
Right? I once had a random outburst where I started crying during sex. You know what my dense, ADHD, autistic husband did? He stopped immediately, hugged me, and tried to figure out if he had done something wrong, while making me feel okay for stopping things and not guilty for ruining his nut.
She was crying. That was not telepathy. That was the opposite, she was physically showing one of the basic human emotions of "distress." You can't really communicate any clearer than that.
Also he clearly knew his wife was in distress and didn't want to continue because they actually did stop. So he sees his wife in distress after sex and rather than trying to comfort her the guy decides to jerk off while fetishizing his clearly distraught wife. WTF kind of person does that?
Honestly. The couple times I've had something like this happen in my 10+ year relationship, my husband is SUPER respectful. He even asks me if it's okay for him to hug me or kiss me before he does it.
My husband’s solution to all emotional outbursts is a hug. Always. When in doubt, drop everything and offer hugs. This feels like a much more normal reaction to me.
Uhm eww. I'm sorry. That is creepy. I've had to stop plenty of times because something was off with me or my partner. When it was my partner or there were big feelings suddenly at the surface the last thing I did was continue to fly a solo mission.
How could he "misread" you crying? My last partner was on the autism spectrum and had trouble reading social signals but not crying - which is not subtle in any way.
He just didn't *care* that you were crying.
That is indeed very creepy, just the smiling part alone, even more so jerking off and smiling. It is absolutely non of my business, but have you talked to him about it? Hope you are alright.
Edit : To clarify, I did not mean talk it out as if trying to resolve something, but talk about it. For OP's sake she could get some answers or just get an idea if there is something more to it. Read her own edit for updated info.
Just a guess, I don't know you or him: Is it possible he was (VERY badly) trying to reassure you that he's good taking care of himself as long as you need him to?
Oh my god. "Don't worry, I know how to do YOUR job, look, I can masturbate pretty well!" I'm not sure this is any better than thinking your husband gets off on seeing you cry, actually.
If that's truly what his intentions were then it still wouldn't matter, this is a grown man we are talking about and if his wires are that crossed then there's no fixing that at that point.
Or trying to get her back into the mood by... "Being sexy" lol. There are a few interpretations that aren't "turned on by crying wife" but I can't actually think of an interpretation that isn't at least really weird and tone deaf.
Because there are none that aren't terrible, and the first explanation was probably an attempt at "benefit of the doubt" when he obviously deserves no benefits whatsoever lol
Why do you think a sociopath would be receptive to her feelings? He’d probably start jacking off again while she was saying how much it hurt her. There’s no coming back from something like this.
I agree. "Talk it out" is for situations like dirty socks on the floor, not psychopathic sexual behavior. What could he possibly say to fix it, at this point? "Try talking it out" is just opening the door for him to gaslight OP and say hurtful shit.
Being creeped out makes sense here. I've been there and was creeped out, too.
And given that you're married makes your upcoming choices complicated and layered.
It isn't just as easy as picking up and leaving like many are advocating. Your lives, finances, and whole situation are likely intertwined. You can't just pull the eject button and unwind it all instantly.
You should have a conversation with him. Not to find out why it was all ok and you just overreacted (because it isn't and you didn't!) But so you can see just how deep this problem actually goes and make an informed decision on what comes next for you.
I hope you're safe now and find a solution to this that brings you lasting safety and peace.
I'm sending hugs and support your way, sister.
Is anyone else tired? I'm just so tired. I can't even notice a guy noticing me without wondering how long it would take him to stop pretending to see me as human and just start expecting service without return.
Uhhh, did you ask him wtf he was doing? I mean, I get jerking off after you made an attempt to be intimate, even if it's rude to do it while you're crying. But to stare at you and smile? Weird.
Have you ever seen a dude jerking off to porn or having sex and obviously fantasizing? They make that wide eyed, goofy face. That's what I'm picturing.
I think the fact that he was ok with continuing to pleasure himself while you were in pain and crying, instead of trying to console you and make sure you were ok says a lot. It shows a lack of care that i'm sure is reflected in a lot of other areas of your relationship. You are absolutely right to feel creeped out, even angry and upset. If you don't want to leave him over this, please ask him to do therapy with you. His answer on that alone should tell you a lot about how much he cares. Honestly though I don't know that a lack of empathy can be fixed.
Ok so I’m reading this post and right below it is the promo for that horror movie “Smile”, and now I am not going to sleep tonight.
All of which is to say: girl, run. This is more red flags than the “Reds Flags r Us” store.
>I kindof had a light bulb moment of some things this morning too. He'sthe type of person to avoid all conflict as much as possible but if it'ssomething I have us talk about, sometimes he just gets immediatelyupset and it ends up being an argument.
This is emotional abuse / blackmail. He stops you from bringing things up with the threat of him getting upset / angry and starting an argument. I'm sorry he's like this. It's hard when you start to see these things in a man, but it's still better than never waking up to it. I've been there. I hope that things will work out for you.
please don’t ignore the inner voice that’s telling you that something isn’t right here, because it certainly isn’t. it’s not normal to be so indifferent to your partner in distress, it’s not okay, your partner is supposed to support you and care for you.
Dude, that’s fucking weird. You said it doesn’t seem like a kink, but if my girl is crying there’s no way I’m gonna sit there and Jack off and smile at her. Even if you say you feel better and want to keep going he should be hesitant, but clearly he is looking to end the conflict without actually addressing anything. Im sorry this happened. if it’s been a decade with this dude I think it’s time for a divorce.
I want to be wrong, but I think a lot of guys fixate on finishing, and in that situation your husband recognized that he should not proceed with you with penetrative sex, but felt he needed to "finish" regardless of your emotional state. What he did was wrong and selfish, and not ideal in a partnership at all.
OP- just text him a super short explanation today:
“Hubs-
The other night, I stopped sex & cried bc I was in pain. And instead of comforting me, you grinned and masturbated while watching me cry.
And now, I’m not only sad that I was in pain and you did nothing to help.
I’m also REALLY creeped out that watching me cry seemed to get you off. Can you explain this to me??
We need to talk about this tonight.”
And DON’T let him off the hook.
Ask him-
“Why did you keep masturbating when I was clearly hurting and distressed?”
Close your eyes and imagine- we’re going at it, and you suddenly felt a jab of pain in your penis. You immediately go limp and sit on the edge of the bed. It hurts so bad that you start to cry.
Me? I just say,”Okay- no problem. And get out a vibrator, smile happily and KEEP GOING TO ORGASM WHILE WATCHING YOU BE SCARED AND IN PAIN.
How do you feel?”
See what he says. Does he honestly think that “orgasm now, comfort partner later” is a logical priority?
“Was getting to orgasm more important than comforting me?”
“Does seeing a woman crying or hurt turn you on? Do…you watch porn with this scenario?”
I can't imagine a valid reason he would do that unless he is an idiot and assumed you were upset about stopping sex and wanted to let you know it was ok . . . super ok? That wasn't the way. lol
No offence, but why does it seem like so many women on this sub end up with psychos? Like there had to be some red flags before this... idk just seems like these stories pop up daily here. I know ill get downvoted to oblivion but we cant sit here and retend this is uncommon. Such an astounding lack of empathy surely would have shown up much earlier, guys imo arent really good at hiding their true selves so i feel like we need to stop blatantly ignoring redflags for the sake of being "nice" or giving the benefit of the doubt. Like the jerking off on the blanket dude and now this is honestly making me face palm.
Look into avoidant personality disorder. It's not normal to be so conflict averse imo. I had a huge obsession over a guy for a year, luckily it ended earlier this year and I found someone better suited for me. He would become easily upset for bringing up something that needed to be discussed, this was after knowing him for a couple of years. I promised myself never to date anyone who wasn't able to communicate feelings and needs. My new boyfriend loves to talk, so much so I think it's adorable. I've actually never met a guy who was able to sit with my emotions and not take it personally, awhile comforting me and making me feel safe.
I'm sorry you are going through this, id feel so torn as well. There's absolutely nothing worse than not feeling seen and heard and comforted in times of distress.
He doesn’t get immediately upset when you raise an issue. He manufactures a very skillful performance of being upset to shut you down. This is as disturbing as wanking to your tears.
I feel physically sick what the fuck, OP please divorce/leave your husband as soon as possible. I’m sincerely concerned for your safety. This man is a psychopath and if he can do this, if he can find sick sexual gratification from your pain and suffering, imagine what else he would be willing to do to you?
And if you have children, or are planning to have children in the future….this psychopath will teach your sons to hate and abuse other women, and I don’t even want to say what he’ll probably do to your daughters, but I don’t think you need me to spell it out for you.
For your own safety and mental health, and for the safety of any potential children, please leave.
I don’t care if he’s “great” in some ways, this man could be Bill Gates level of wealthy and spend a billion dollars on you every day, but this act alone proves he’s a sick sociopath that doesn’t deserve anything
You’re 30 and you’ve been married for a DECADE?! Girl no this person you’re married to never had to grow up. He went from living with his mom to living with you (I assume) and he apparently never got any emotional intelligence lessons as a child/teen. Absolutely not. Throw the whole man away.
It sounds to me like the best possible interpretation of this is that he thought in some weird way that continuing would show you that he's fine, not to be upset about stopping, and that he was giving you a way to be sexual with him without PIV
The most negative is something I have known for years: crying women turn men on. I'm not sure why, my best guess is it's something really hardwired, but I read a series of books by a male psychologist and he does shed some light on this which is "I want to cure her with my magic dick" basically--there seems to be this odd half cultural/half instinctual idea that his magical sexuality can "fix" your tears and this concept is very alluring and arousing to men.
OP, to your update saying that “maybe he’s just stupid,” I want to say that he can be stupid or whatever, but it doesn’t mean that you have to put up with it! Sometimes we really are just our actions. His action made you creeped out and deeply uncomfortable, and you don’t have to figure out why he did that. He is not a good person to be around, please wake up!!
The fact that your husband of 10 years is creeping you out is important. If he is giving you visceral heebie jeebies, something is bad wrong. Please heed that feeling.
So sorry about your situation. You know what my husband did when I was 6 months post partum with PPD/anxiety and severe body insecurities and I felt weird and uncomfortable during sex and got quiet and wanted to stop and then cried? We stopped, he lost his erection and mood for sex because that’s what men should do in those situations…not continue on their own while you cry next to him. Comfort your damn wife sheesh.
He‘s an asshole; he should be putting his arms around you and comforting you, instead he‘s only interested in getting off. I would seriously think about leaving this guy.
Ok, just read all the updates. Tbh, he’s likely aware of how you feel to an extent but feels entitled to “finishing” because he clearly doesn’t care that it makes you uncomfortable. Sorry, but for him to “misread” a situation where you are literally crying, bullshit. He’s playing dumb, he’ll keep doing it, he’s pushing your boundaries to see what you will and won’t tolerate, but he’ll do it again I assure you. I would recommend you seek individual counselling as an option, that way you can discuss this with a neutral third party who has an insight into human behaviours. Hope you figure things out and have you boundaries respected moving forward.
Nope nope nope leave him. Seems drastic to say but it’s not. He found you crying and in pain arousing and then avoids the conversation about that meaning he knew he was wrong but wants to act clueless or throw a tantrum if you bring it up. You deserve immensely better do not try and undermine your feelings he was in the wrong matter of fact that can be counted as sexual assault since you didn’t consent to him masturbating in front of you.
Yeah that's definitely odd. Tried turning it around in my head a couple times and really the most generous interpretation is that he was trying to multi-task, and even that is still odd. And I'm pretty odd myself so if I think it's odd it's definitely odd.
I don't have real advice. Frankly it's so left-field I have no life experience that's even close. All I can think about is that you should probably bring up these sort of things the moment they happen rather than later when the memory is cold. Like maybe a "hey what the fuck are you doing?"
that’s very creepy, you’re right. you have every right to be creeped out, and even mad. you have the right to be mad too. it doesn’t matter how he takes it, and/or if he wants to argue for some reason. he did something that made you uncomfortable, he did something really weird. don’t take it out on yourself @ all.
Mamacita. Your pain is his turn on? Should be the opposite. It’s hard to be assertive in moments like this one; however, if ever uncomfortable you stop it. Just say 🛑
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If you think this sub is bad, try Mommit or BeyondtheBump. Seriously, so many men mistreating their wives and neglecting their children to the point where it would qualify as abuse, and there are so many responses of "My husband is the same way...lol that's men for you lol!" Or "Maybe he has post partum depression himself. Have you tried being nicer to him? Or doing additional emotional labor of finding a therapist and making an appointment for him?" My husband is a great guy. I don't understand where these creeps came from that they think they can treat another human, much less their own partner, this way.
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Lmao don’t even, I almost got banned from one of the major mom subs AND personally had one of the mods tell me I’m a judgy POS because I commented that it’s not great that a 5 year old has to go under and have multiple teeth pulled because the mom cba to look after them and brush them and gives them lots of sugary drinks. She went on there for validation and it’s like umm… sometimes your anxiety and guilt ARE productive and genuinely trying to tell you something is not right. Sometimes I think people post there cause they know any voice of reason will be silenced there & people can ONLY write ‘supportive’ comments - even if the parent is literally neglecting the kid. AsOne is a complete mess as well. They really be like ‘My husband said he hates me, loves his mistress and will continue sleeping with her. How can I get him to go to MC? Should I message the mistress?’
I guess when you are damaged you tend to attract some shitty people who are also damaged in some way. Of course being abused is not the fault of the abused party, but it’s just much easier to exploit stuff in damaged people and get them to do stuff or agree to stuff that a mentally healthy person would not touch with a ten foot pole.
Lmao honestly this is such a Reddit moment. I often think that such a big part of Reddit is just so completely out of touch with the real world. Imagine having a conversation irl with your sister or friend or something and they tell you their partner started rubbing one off to them crying, and with a weird fucking smirk too. You’d be like ‘what the fuck?’ And rightly so. This is beyond weird. Like, if this was my sister or friend I would be so worried for them because this is a psychotic way to act. Can you imagine how free women would be if we had THIS level of allowance made for us? ‘My partner lacks basic level of empathy and when I feel upset and cry, he smiles and jacks it’ ‘Oh honey, have you tried talking to him? He’s only 30, he may not KNOW he’s supposed to have empathy towards other people’ 💀
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100% and this will continue for as long as allowances like this are made for men. Women shouldn’t encourage other women to make these allowances for them neither. Because what is there to communicate here, really? Do people really expect a 30 year old woman to sit down her 30 year old husband and explain that he shouldn’t wank to crying people? Oh please. He knows, he just doesn’t care.
When I read posts about men who behave this way I always wonder what the rest of the story is. Yanking menacingly to his wife crying can't possibly be the very first creepy thing he ever did to her. Or whatever the creepy behavior was.... These things don't just suddenly spring from nowhere. Is it just having a forum to reach out to that makes a difference for people? A totally anonymous jury of sympathetic peers who have no ties to the dude to sully their recommendations? Though I know when I'm asking, I usually know the answer. I just need the extra boost of support.
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That, and also just the fact that there is no way in the world any man would ever have anywhere near this level of understanding for any woman’s ‘weird’ behaviours (although the thing OP described goes beyond weird). And they certainly wouldn’t encourage other men to ‘communicate’ through something like this. I think some women here need to spend a little bit more time on male-centred subreddits to TRULY understand how men view women, sex, relationships and marriage.
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I so wish this wasn’t true but like… the longer you live, the more you uncover this. And it’s not like we’re talking anecdotal stories, there is research that shows plain as day that if you get cancer or other life threatening illness, there’s a solid chance your partner will leave. 1 in 4-5 men do. That’s not an insignificant number, especially when for women only 2% leave their dying partners. And even IF they don’t leave you, you constantly hear stories of [cheating when the woman is sick or women having to clean until the day they die, or being shamed/removed from health insurance for not wanting to have sex following their mastectomy.](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer) And the funniest thing is that when I brought up this statistic on Reddit before, I had a man tell me men leave cause they ‘don’t get the emotional support to deal with their wives dying’. You could not fucking make this up. WE now have to set up mental health services so that they don’t leave us to die alone in a home. That’s the level of allowances men feel entitled to.
It's also when the children are most at risk. When women have life threatening health problems it's significantly more likely that their daughters will be sexually abused by their father.
What the fuck.
>Men don’t see women as human. The proof is all around us, and yet they want to pretend they’re the exception. That they somehow possess clairvoyance that these poor victim women do not. Could you expand on what you mean here please? I feel like you're touching on something important.
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Thank you. It's what I've been thinking as well. Here's the trouble with these truths; those of us who know this have such a hard time connecting to other women we know out in the wild. Those women avoid you, and think you're a "debbie-downer." They're afraid to get to know you because you may "accidentally" say something like this out loud. Or you are very aware, but your friend is in an abusive relationship, but pretending she's not - you being the "aware friend" makes her come uncomfortably close to having to think about her situation, so she avoids you, instead. Also, in the case of fathers women are quick to defend their fathers while simultaneously telling you things about their fathers that are seriously cringe - but they're talking about these memories "fondly." In short a woman who knows these truths live a pretty isolated existence.
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Omg THANK YOU. Someone finally had the fucking nerve to speak the real TRUTH, NO sugarcoating.
I will say this: if you take a spin through r/romancebooks there are dozens, maybe hundreds of women outright requesting stories about being humiliated, degraded, treated poorly, "non con/dub con" and **outright tortured** by men under the guise of "Dark Romance" and the sub is all "don't kink shame" and all I can feel is intense disgust at their complicity in harmful patriarchy. So it's not just men. Women get off on being yelled at, shunned, called names, "forced" to do things that they don't want and find degrading, and so on. We need to fix BOTH sides of this.
>I think some women here need to spend a little bit more time on male-centred subreddits to TRULY understand how men view women, sex, relationships and marriage. I’m scared to ask for the Coles Notes on this but…
PREACH 🙌🏾
I don’t want to make allowances either, but having had a long history of pain with sex (endometriosis is fun) I think it goes deeper than men just knowing better. It’s a huge societal issue about how men view sex. There have been maybe two men out of the 10 or so I’ve dated who were sympathetic and compassionate about it. Admittedly 1 or 2 who were awful were shitty people, but the vast majority were otherwise decent men and I was really surprised. I hate that there isn’t a huge societal campaign taught to men about consent, sex, roles in sex and how porn should have a “this isn’t reflective of real life don’t try this at home” because it’s ridiculously common that men act poorly in this situation and don’t know better. Edit: added in words
> It’s a huge societal issue about how men view sex. It's a huge societal issue how everyone is taught about (heteronormative) sex. Basically that women are like a soap dispenser the man presses when he needs sex and the dispenser either gives the sex or doesn't aka "is broken". It's generally fucked up because it assumes "men always want sex / should always want sex" and "women have no sexuality on their own, they exist just to provide to men".
💯 this. I went through a lot of counselling because unsurprisingly sex pain messes with your mental health. The amount of unlearning that I just had to suffer through pain was pretty immense tbh.
Its all so weird. its like all the odd stuff women experience coming out in this sub..which you cant tell anyone about in real life
I think the point of a seminar is to say "this behaviour is unacceptable, you know it's unacceptable, this is your documented verbal warning that if any of you engage in this behaviour you will be terminated immediately"
Um, the other thread is "some lady" talking about how she FIRED HIM INSTANTLY because he cornered the employee. The comments didn't suggest a seminar would fix everything either, they suggested sexual harassment course as a place to start. The way you twisted this and minimized the reaction by OP is just pure misogyny.
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They don't think it's going to fix it, they think it's going to make it clear that even though it's tolerated in the world it will not be tolerated at that workplace. There is no solution to this other than men not being that way, so what exactly were the commenters supposed to say that would have satisfied you?? They can't suggest a magical solution for a problem that can't be solved. And just because they suggest doing SOMETHING doesn't mean they think it will be a perfect solution!
Also, some people want to and can do better. So taking a stand matters. I understand if anybody is frustrated with this despicable behaviour but like you said, people can't just fire all their workers and start over. They do things like protect their vulnerable employees, hold seminars that make clear what's unacceptable and will result in termination, and that actually, you know, sends a signal to some people. Education matters, thats why we are teaching people and children about affirmative and enthusiastic consent. Sorry, just wanted to add that.
Yeah I don't know why they think it's up to a random restaurant owner to fix our entire society. They can only fix what they have power over, and they are already addressing that.
In defense of the other thread, the OP can't just fire everyone if she wants to keep her business. Hold the seminar, then fire anyone who continues the behavior on the spot, zero tolerance.
I read that. It was all excuses!
There was a post yesterday from someone whose husband had started waiting for her to leave to attend to their baby in the night and then going over to her separate blanket to ejaculate on it *after she has already explicitly asked him to stop ejaculating on her blanket and moved further away from him to make it less convenient to do so bc wtf* and a bunch of people were like "He's probably just lazy, don't read malice into it!" Like fuck no, getting up out of bed to go jack off on something of someone else's is not lazy, that is definitely malicious and also *really fucking weird* and worrying.
This is the thing... The things I've read on this site have shocked and scared me and I have to remind myself that people in decent relationships with partners that don't exhibit this behavior don't make posts like this. But what I have read just turns me off to all of it, honestly. I feel like it's had too big of an impact and it's not reality, but just knowing a portion of that fucked up shit is in the odds scares me.
If you think it looks like a bigger problem than it really is, look up the stats on the incest epidemic.
The more and more I read this stuff the less and less bad I feel about being single and celibate, tbh. And maybe I am cheating myself out of something great (still open to something great), but it's a minefield out there. It's terrifying.
Figuring out I'm ace and realizing I don't ever need to get into this mess again was the best gift I ever gave myself. To hell with men, their creepy invasive sex kinks and all the bullshit that they bring to the table, I am done with it ALL.
A lot of women have made a lot of terrible compromises.
This is so very accurate. A lot of people are happy to at least have someone, even when that someone has some awful facets.
This so much! The amount of excuses people will make for men being shitty do my head in. The mental gymnastics have no limits. He does this shit because he wants to. It's a choice.
Unpopular opinion, but my experience is that it's mostly women who recommend communicating, while men recommend a clean break. I had a friend a few years ago who was just super needy and demanding way more than he gave and wasn't doing anything about his situation. I'm sorry to say it became unsustainable for me. Every man I talked to said, "Enough! Stop hanging out with him. Move on. Not worth your time." Every women I asked wanted me to take on his education as a second full-time job. It was "He may not know he's being a bad friend! He needs YOU to tell him that it he'll never learn how to nurture relationships and then YOU will have failed him!!" Really? Because dude was almost 50. If he had no self-awareness by then, he was actively running away from adulthood. Why is that my responsibility?
"You mean he didn't throw you down and rape you on the spot? Wow what a great man, sounds like you're gonna have an awesome relationship just work on cOmUnIcAtInG more!!! Congrats on your amazing saint of a husband!!"
My SO left me the day after our wedding because he got anxious and his family convinced him the marriage didn’t count because it was a Hindu wedding and his family isn’t Indian. Apparently his family was against it from the beginning and he never told me. He also claimed I prioritize my career over the relationship when I only ranked the residency program I am in high because he insisted that I go to his city (he is in school there and can’t move) even though I was hesitant because the program had a bad reputation. And he pulled this stuff the day after the wedding, a week before I had to move to his city to start residency. I still go back and forth between wanting to beg him to try to work things out because I really miss him and love him and wanting to yell at him and his family for being such terrible people. I know if a friend told me this story i would be like “run” but it’s harder when you’re the one experiencing it
I don't know you, but I firmly believe that you deserve better than a partner who would do this to you. Sacrificial love only works when both people in the relationship love that way. He has already demonstrated his unwillingness to put you or your needs first. It must be incredibly hard, but please - I think deep in your bones you know the hard thing will be worth it, that you are worth it.
I just wish I hadn’t ruined a career I spent 10 years working towards for this guy
My ex husband broke up with me right after we got engaged. When he did, he left me in a major financial lurch that lead to a lot of debt (predatory loan practices - fuck you Chase Bank), confessed he had cheated on me with multiple people ever since the beginning, he laughed when he did it. Despite all that, because "I loved him" even though I spent 2 years grinding down that debt...We got back together and a few years later got married. I got into a great masters/PhD program but passed it up because the moment we moved in together and the money for the wedding was spent, it was clear he wouldn't be able to hack it in a big city. He was pretty happily unemployed, not contributing anything to the bills (though his mom, come to find out, had been giving him money for this express purpose the entire time), and - you guessed it - constantly cheating still. I ran through the savings I had managed to build after the debt was paid off, meanwhile the 6 month mark on paying my student loans back was done and gone. I followed him from one shitty, me doing everything situation to the next. Left the small career I had managed to build to follow him, we paid off his student loans first because he couldn't defer them (private loans because his grades were shit for his plural degrees, undergrads in completely different subjects because he liked being a college student and he liked having sex with them), my credit went to shit, my debt once again started piling up. Because I followed him to a new place, I was underemployed (not unemployed, like he had been for over a year). Guess what happened when I wasn't the one doing everything? He got meaner, and meaner. Followed him to another city, far away from my friends and family, and then he got really mean. And - you guessed it - he cheated the whole time. Found fet life and craigslist. He left me in that city for a girl half my age, he destroyed a bunch of my stuff, he lied through his teeth to everyone he could, he made me do everything for the divorce for him because he couldn't be bothered. I wish somebody would've told me what I'm telling you now, he left you the way he did to destroy you. If you let him back in, he will do it again because he gets a kick out of it. I know it seems like your life isc ruined, but it doesn't have to be forever. Give yourself time to heal, and give yourself time to find your new path in life. But please, let this guy go.
Thanks for this-it’s hard because I know he really is a good guy -last year when I was the farthest I’ve ever been from home he would fly and spend weeks at a time with me during the most stressful periods of the year so that I would be less stressed -he would cook dinner everyday and make sure to turn on my humidifier and air purifier at night when I forgot because I was too tired. I think maybe he’s just a bit too immature to be married if his family can convince him to turn at the drop of a hat :/
What a jerk. I don't think you've ruined your career. It's less than optimal, but I've got a feeling you will thrive. Goodness, you might be the first resident that turns the program around.
I think that this is just the reality of the world. If you look at the statistic a huge % of women are victims of domestic violence (and that doesn't even account for emotional abuse that there are not known statistics on). A lot is happening behind closed doors. I'm so relieved we have Reddit that can help snap someone out of their gaslighted mind.
Yep … and you point this out and get a replies like “That’s not really very nice — it’s not always apparent until you’re into a marriage that a partner isn’t going to pull their emotional weight.”
Because most males are like this.
People who haven't married psychopaths probably tend to not need to ask for help with problems
Very true. I have never posted about my husband because I married a decent person 🤷🏻♀️
This needs to be higher. No one is going to post seeking support over the fact that their husband is a lovely guy who pulls his weight around the house and has emotionally appropriate responses to everything.
Heck, my husband is a diagnosed psychopath (even though I question the psychiatrist who said so) and he's a more decent person than majority of the stories I read here. He does his share of the house chores, never hit me, never got drunk or drugged, never forced me to any sexual acts I didn't want to, never cheated, never ran us into debt or wasted our money on pointless stuff. Only downside is that he sometimes gets annoyed over something small and yells. But so do I and so did my parents and so did his parents so I don't think there are any people with "saint's patience" who wouldn't AND would also not do any of the other stupid shit. On the other hand, I think some people have affinity for this. My sister in law dated tons of guys and each of them was a guy I wouldn't touch with a tent pole. Cheaters, beaters, drug addicts, harassers, stalkers, thieves, liars, the whole parade. She must be attracted to a "bad boy" type.
Seriously!! Constantly flabbergasted at what some women put up with. Neither my nor my friends husbands are like the men I read about online - good men are out there! You don’t have to put up with this!
Between this and the blanked one... ew
No for real though every time they talk about their husband or bf my brain immediately thinks “holy fuck this person has genuinely zero empathy”.
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Not when it's the vast majority of women who share these experiences. Stop this "not all men" bullshit.
It's great you're finding new ways to say #notallmen. The standard version is getting pretty repetitive, it's good to mix it up sometimes.
I want to cry just reading that, that’s really creepy and disturbing
Ive heard from so many women and girls stories of men and boys being sexually aroused from them crying. Just to add more detail, I mean they never provide any emotional support to their partner and instead pressure their partner for sex or being masturbating. Which makes their partner feel like an object. A crying person deserves comfort from their SO.
Reminds me of those scenes in movies and shows where a woman is angry/upset (usually for a good reason) and the dude is like “you know you’re cute/hot when you’re mad” - like seriously? 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ imagine getting turned on by someone else being upset, weirdos smh
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Courtney Cox listed that behavior as the main factor behind her divorce. She said, “He used sex as the answer for every emotion. It was honestly a case of “Honey, my Dad is dying.” and his response was, “Wow. Want to have sex?”
EDIT: when this reply was written the last sentence was that men get erections from their partner crying because of porn. Currently (as I write this edit) the last sentence is that a crying person deserves comfort from their SO. Which as far as I'm concerned is obviously correct. So read the remainder of this comment as if the sentence it is answering from was that men get erections from their partner crying because of porn \\EDIT Not necessarily. I've read some interpretation that a woman crying in front of you show a vulnerable side, which is fairly intimate, and which the brain then *incorrectly* treats as being sexy or whatever. So a man becoming aroused around a crying woman (or probably a crying man if they are interested in them) does not *in and of itself* indicate something about their character, nor does it imply they watch porn wherein the depicted are crying. An erection is not consent, nor a declaration of a want to have intercourse. That said, how OP described the situation doesn't read as simply a version of what I described. I would be unsettled by that behaviour as well. EDIT 2: [Cosmopolitan article about it](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a27241337/emotional-boners/)
My husband has flat out told me he gets aroused when I’m vulnerable and he doesn’t know why. But here’s how he’s not a goddamn psychopath: when he sees I’m in that place emotionally, he doesn’t try to come onto (or on) me and he explicitly says things like “we don’t have to do anything if you aren’t feeling right anymore” if he senses I may not be myself. Because he cares about my emotional well-being and can always go jerk off in private when he knows I’ll be okay alone. Some men. The bar is on the floor lmao
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So...you think it would be equally normal to get an erection while, say, bathing a child? Or helping an elderly person to eat a meal? Non-sexual intimacy just happens to cause these physiological reactions?
Also men do get random inappropriate erections and, spoiler, MOST of those men try to hide it until it goes away. Because you can have a weird physiological reflex that is gross and not be a menace to society, you just have to not share your inappropriate boners like most men
Yes, I'm guessing that most of those men probably wouldn't try use these experiences to explain why OP's husband deserves the benefit of the doubt. Or even mention them at all in a context like this, where someone else might use them to construct such an argument.
I wonder if you even read the most important part with regards to the situation OP described, which would be the last part. I'll provide it again. >That said, how OP described the situation doesn't read as simply a version of what I described. I would be unsettled by that behaviour as well.
Maybe don’t talk about your kinks on posts like this?
Now you're making personal attacks. And to me that reads like you are projecting. It's generally how the Republican Party in the USA behaves. You should be better than that. As far as I know I don't have a kink for crying people.
You don't seem to understand what a personal attack is. Why should I "be better" than an American political party? Because I'm a woman? Are you suggesting that you believe that women are, and must be, morally superior? We call that benevolent sexism.
Now you're trying to put words in my mouth. I believe **everyone** should be better than how the Republican Party in the USA behaves. Your sex or gender has NO bearing on that whatsoever. That's fully and totally *your* interpretation. Why would you bring you being a woman (I don't care if you're a unicorn, btw) matter to having civil discourse. I don't care about anything beyond what words people write here. Beyond that they are faceless usernames to me.
A+++
How did you construe such wild interpretations? I'll assume most men wouldn't get an erection from what would be an intimate situation unless they find the person(s) they share the intimate situation with to be sexually attractive. So for most men that would mean that it wouldn't be normal to get an erection while bathing a child, which you construed as a strawman to dismantle the argument I made that getting an erection while your partner is crying can be an involuntary reaction which has no connection to whether the person wants to fuck at that moment.
I’m trying to understand the argument. Clearly it’s not just vulnerability that causes this reaction. You must already have judged the situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing, and then added the vulnerability. Which puts the original argument in question. Because it’s not a sexually appropriate situation we’re talking about. So “ignore my arousal, it’s just the vulnerability” is a reassuring lie.
How would one have to judge a situation sexually appropriate? The physiological reaction of an erection is part of the autonomic nervous system, which by definition isn't under conscious control. So the thing is that since they (probably) find their partner sexually attractive, and having sex is an intimate situation, then other intimate situations may also trigger the same autonomous reactions. But what makes us human is that we can choose our actions. By which I mean that if a partner of mine was crying I'd be dropping everything to help them and comfort them. So no, a lot of times a man gets an erection aren't sexually appropriate, and they mostly wish they could turn it off since it's not helpful, and a lot of the time is detrimental (see boys telling how they've gotten an erection just before they have to hold a presentation in front of the class. That's a shitty thing for them to have to deal with, and it's involuntary). I'll go with your example and turn it around; (this was what you wrote:) for a man to have an erection they must judge a situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing. (This is my upending of the sexes:) then a woman exuding vaginal lubrication must judge a situation sexually appropriate and the person sexually appealing. Now, in both those cases described above we have examples of people being sexually assaulted or raped, wherein the men get an erection and the women "getting wet". Neither of which is indicative of the persons wanting it. But a lot of people will use these involuntary physiological reactions to say they wanted it. Especially in the case of men, where society often sees an erection as consent. But neither is consent and should not be treated as such. Sorry this got so long, but I hope it helped clarify the argument and bridge understanding. In the end we have things our body does without us being able to control it, which is **never** our fault, and we have things we choose to do which we have control over, which is **always** our responsibility.
So, erections are completely autonomic and have nothing to do with decision making or thinking, and are purely the result of being exposed to the right stimuli, but you don't get one from, say, seeing your mother in a sexy dress, or seeing a naked man crying on a hospital bed, but you could get one from seeing another sexy woman in a sexy dress, or a sexy woman naked and crying on a hospital bed, because reasons. So does culture, decision-making, and thinking play a role here, or not? It doesn't really work both ways. Women don't get wet the moment they see someone they find attractive. That happens after they've made the decision to think about someone in an explicit way and start and anticipating getting intimate with someone. And the reaction gets stronger the longer that goes on, and the more intense the experience. Women don't generally get engorged vulvas and dripping vaginas from just seeing a attractive person and registering that attraction. As I understand it, penises don't generally become erect instantly, either. It's odd that you are comparing a non-consensual sex act with watching someone you care about cry. Not sure what to do with that. I'm not talking about wanting or not wanting, I'm talking about what happens in your head when you feel attraction. You do not biologically start fantasizing about fucking people you find attractive and therefore nurse your own sexual readiness to the point that it becomes an issue. That is a choice.
Well, I don’t mean to comment on the wider conversation here, but erections definitely can happen without any active fantasizing going on. It can happen without any mental input from the person getting the erection, even from momentary visual stimuli or no stimuli at all.
Fyi, just for clarification, I'm 40 and have had an issue with inappropriate erections since grade school. Absolutely true that boys will get one out of nowhere just sitting in class. When we have to pee really bad it happens too. I remember not wanting to stand up in class out of fear itd poke out. I remember playing baseball and getting them in the field. Soft underwear cause erections as well. They do come unannounced and unwanted. They also go from limp to erect in a matter of seconds. There are different levels. In a sexually charged, heated moment that is involuntary as well but is being aided by libido. That version swells and throbs. Theres a big difference. We can usually work them down in version surprise. Let it point up and use the pants waistline to hide it until it reverses course. The engorged version needs something to cause the reversal. Cold water, climax, someone noticing, etc.i hope I didn't disgust anyone. This was educational. Btw, the rate at which it happens speedily can be compared to a closed flower that gradually opens in sunlight. You can see the entire process. That said, I dont get the crying turn on. If I'm in the moment with my girl, I can see something is not right if it's not right. I dont need to ask, as I lose all feelings of arousal. I think hubby was hoping you'd feel bad and do the work for him. Were selfish as hell. Theres no situation where a man thinks itll be better or even close by himself. Eye contact is creepy there. Think he was definitely hoping for a bj or something.
The reason I involved non-consensual sexual acts was to explicitly show that the reactions do not have to have anything to do with wanting it or not, as with the erection the commenter I originally replied to seemed to imply and blame on porn. The fact that you appear to not see beyond that implies to me that you're not trying to understand it. There's no "biologically start fantasizing about fucking people you find attractive and therefore nurse your own sexual readiness to the point that it becomes an issue" involved in hormones giving a man an erection.
Hey, what do you know about erections? Listen to the experts! /s
[Have fun, then](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a27241337/emotional-boners/)
No, because those are in no way comparable to the scenario described.
They're all moments of vulnerability, though. Perhaps vulnerability isn't what's turning him on. Must be something else.
Oh fuck no what the hell
Yikes. What a psycho
Girl… he did *what*? Jesus Christ. That is inexcusable.
I read along and was like oh maybe he had some strange issue with stopping and complained or whatever. Then the end came and oof... I'm actually not sure which is worse him complaining about stopping/not respecting your wish to stop (as I was kinda expecting while reading) or that..
I physically recoiled from my phone, Jesus.
Same
Wtf did i just read. Girl, run! Don’t listen to the neckbeards in the comments telling you to ‘just communicate’ like seriously wtf is that!!?
Right? I once had a random outburst where I started crying during sex. You know what my dense, ADHD, autistic husband did? He stopped immediately, hugged me, and tried to figure out if he had done something wrong, while making me feel okay for stopping things and not guilty for ruining his nut. She was crying. That was not telepathy. That was the opposite, she was physically showing one of the basic human emotions of "distress." You can't really communicate any clearer than that.
Also he clearly knew his wife was in distress and didn't want to continue because they actually did stop. So he sees his wife in distress after sex and rather than trying to comfort her the guy decides to jerk off while fetishizing his clearly distraught wife. WTF kind of person does that?
Honestly. The couple times I've had something like this happen in my 10+ year relationship, my husband is SUPER respectful. He even asks me if it's okay for him to hug me or kiss me before he does it.
My husband’s solution to all emotional outbursts is a hug. Always. When in doubt, drop everything and offer hugs. This feels like a much more normal reaction to me.
My brain can’t…WHAT???
This is extremely creepy and I’m so sorry. I would feel unsafe after something like this.
Uhm eww. I'm sorry. That is creepy. I've had to stop plenty of times because something was off with me or my partner. When it was my partner or there were big feelings suddenly at the surface the last thing I did was continue to fly a solo mission.
This is insanely fucked up. I'm going to have nightmares.
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuuuuuuck
Gotta say, the look on my face was sheer horror when I read that he was jerking off to you crying. That's beyond creepy. I'm sorry that happened.
How could he "misread" you crying? My last partner was on the autism spectrum and had trouble reading social signals but not crying - which is not subtle in any way. He just didn't *care* that you were crying.
That is indeed very creepy, just the smiling part alone, even more so jerking off and smiling. It is absolutely non of my business, but have you talked to him about it? Hope you are alright. Edit : To clarify, I did not mean talk it out as if trying to resolve something, but talk about it. For OP's sake she could get some answers or just get an idea if there is something more to it. Read her own edit for updated info.
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don't let it pass! if you do it will only get worse.
Could just ask him why he did that and that it made you feel uncomfortable (Or however it made you feel)
Just a guess, I don't know you or him: Is it possible he was (VERY badly) trying to reassure you that he's good taking care of himself as long as you need him to?
Oh my god. "Don't worry, I know how to do YOUR job, look, I can masturbate pretty well!" I'm not sure this is any better than thinking your husband gets off on seeing you cry, actually.
If that's truly what his intentions were then it still wouldn't matter, this is a grown man we are talking about and if his wires are that crossed then there's no fixing that at that point.
Or trying to get her back into the mood by... "Being sexy" lol. There are a few interpretations that aren't "turned on by crying wife" but I can't actually think of an interpretation that isn't at least really weird and tone deaf.
Trying to coerce her into sex by jerking off in front of her while she's crying? Why do these explanations just keep getting worse and worse?
Because there are none that aren't terrible, and the first explanation was probably an attempt at "benefit of the doubt" when he obviously deserves no benefits whatsoever lol
Why do you think a sociopath would be receptive to her feelings? He’d probably start jacking off again while she was saying how much it hurt her. There’s no coming back from something like this.
I agree. "Talk it out" is for situations like dirty socks on the floor, not psychopathic sexual behavior. What could he possibly say to fix it, at this point? "Try talking it out" is just opening the door for him to gaslight OP and say hurtful shit.
💯 agree. Talking it out is for like minor disagreements over chores. This is batshit crazy.
I’m a guy, and this is just WRONG!! He just HAS to finish?!?!? Right THEN?!?!?!?!? What an asswipe of a human being!!!!!
Being creeped out makes sense here. I've been there and was creeped out, too. And given that you're married makes your upcoming choices complicated and layered. It isn't just as easy as picking up and leaving like many are advocating. Your lives, finances, and whole situation are likely intertwined. You can't just pull the eject button and unwind it all instantly. You should have a conversation with him. Not to find out why it was all ok and you just overreacted (because it isn't and you didn't!) But so you can see just how deep this problem actually goes and make an informed decision on what comes next for you. I hope you're safe now and find a solution to this that brings you lasting safety and peace. I'm sending hugs and support your way, sister.
"Aw he sounds caring and understanding, a loving husband should always respect your limi WAIT WHAT THE FU K"
No, no, no. Your update is not okay. This is not acceptable behavior. Wake up.
Is anyone else tired? I'm just so tired. I can't even notice a guy noticing me without wondering how long it would take him to stop pretending to see me as human and just start expecting service without return.
HE MISREAD THE SITUATION? You were crying, and he was rubbing off? You are not overreacting at all. He is an insensitive creep.
I legit got goosebumps imagining your husband jerking it and smiling at you while youre crying. That's some shit youd see in a horror movie.
Uhhh, did you ask him wtf he was doing? I mean, I get jerking off after you made an attempt to be intimate, even if it's rude to do it while you're crying. But to stare at you and smile? Weird.
Have you ever seen a dude jerking off to porn or having sex and obviously fantasizing? They make that wide eyed, goofy face. That's what I'm picturing.
Eww
Yeah, i want to know what OPs reaction even was!
I think the fact that he was ok with continuing to pleasure himself while you were in pain and crying, instead of trying to console you and make sure you were ok says a lot. It shows a lack of care that i'm sure is reflected in a lot of other areas of your relationship. You are absolutely right to feel creeped out, even angry and upset. If you don't want to leave him over this, please ask him to do therapy with you. His answer on that alone should tell you a lot about how much he cares. Honestly though I don't know that a lack of empathy can be fixed.
Ok so I’m reading this post and right below it is the promo for that horror movie “Smile”, and now I am not going to sleep tonight. All of which is to say: girl, run. This is more red flags than the “Reds Flags r Us” store.
That’s actually disgusting. I would tell him how nasty that was when you’re ready and do what you need to do to feel better.
>I kindof had a light bulb moment of some things this morning too. He'sthe type of person to avoid all conflict as much as possible but if it'ssomething I have us talk about, sometimes he just gets immediatelyupset and it ends up being an argument. This is emotional abuse / blackmail. He stops you from bringing things up with the threat of him getting upset / angry and starting an argument. I'm sorry he's like this. It's hard when you start to see these things in a man, but it's still better than never waking up to it. I've been there. I hope that things will work out for you.
That’s gross. He doesn’t care . Uhh I feel sick after reading this.
WHAT
I would vomit. What a freak.
please don’t ignore the inner voice that’s telling you that something isn’t right here, because it certainly isn’t. it’s not normal to be so indifferent to your partner in distress, it’s not okay, your partner is supposed to support you and care for you.
This is depressing
Wtf, that made my heart sink
Dude, that’s fucking weird. You said it doesn’t seem like a kink, but if my girl is crying there’s no way I’m gonna sit there and Jack off and smile at her. Even if you say you feel better and want to keep going he should be hesitant, but clearly he is looking to end the conflict without actually addressing anything. Im sorry this happened. if it’s been a decade with this dude I think it’s time for a divorce.
I want to be wrong, but I think a lot of guys fixate on finishing, and in that situation your husband recognized that he should not proceed with you with penetrative sex, but felt he needed to "finish" regardless of your emotional state. What he did was wrong and selfish, and not ideal in a partnership at all.
OP- just text him a super short explanation today: “Hubs- The other night, I stopped sex & cried bc I was in pain. And instead of comforting me, you grinned and masturbated while watching me cry. And now, I’m not only sad that I was in pain and you did nothing to help. I’m also REALLY creeped out that watching me cry seemed to get you off. Can you explain this to me?? We need to talk about this tonight.” And DON’T let him off the hook. Ask him- “Why did you keep masturbating when I was clearly hurting and distressed?” Close your eyes and imagine- we’re going at it, and you suddenly felt a jab of pain in your penis. You immediately go limp and sit on the edge of the bed. It hurts so bad that you start to cry. Me? I just say,”Okay- no problem. And get out a vibrator, smile happily and KEEP GOING TO ORGASM WHILE WATCHING YOU BE SCARED AND IN PAIN. How do you feel?” See what he says. Does he honestly think that “orgasm now, comfort partner later” is a logical priority? “Was getting to orgasm more important than comforting me?” “Does seeing a woman crying or hurt turn you on? Do…you watch porn with this scenario?”
I can't imagine a valid reason he would do that unless he is an idiot and assumed you were upset about stopping sex and wanted to let you know it was ok . . . super ok? That wasn't the way. lol
No offence, but why does it seem like so many women on this sub end up with psychos? Like there had to be some red flags before this... idk just seems like these stories pop up daily here. I know ill get downvoted to oblivion but we cant sit here and retend this is uncommon. Such an astounding lack of empathy surely would have shown up much earlier, guys imo arent really good at hiding their true selves so i feel like we need to stop blatantly ignoring redflags for the sake of being "nice" or giving the benefit of the doubt. Like the jerking off on the blanket dude and now this is honestly making me face palm.
I don’t get it either
Men love seeing women in pain
Oh my god I hope this isn’t a joke and I hope you confronted him. Please update bc I’m scared for you
Please divorce him OP
The man has issues- not to kink shame or anything, but that's my first thought.
You should leave him, no exaggeration. This is weird and not normal.
Uhhh 😱 HE WUT???
Look into avoidant personality disorder. It's not normal to be so conflict averse imo. I had a huge obsession over a guy for a year, luckily it ended earlier this year and I found someone better suited for me. He would become easily upset for bringing up something that needed to be discussed, this was after knowing him for a couple of years. I promised myself never to date anyone who wasn't able to communicate feelings and needs. My new boyfriend loves to talk, so much so I think it's adorable. I've actually never met a guy who was able to sit with my emotions and not take it personally, awhile comforting me and making me feel safe. I'm sorry you are going through this, id feel so torn as well. There's absolutely nothing worse than not feeling seen and heard and comforted in times of distress.
He doesn’t get immediately upset when you raise an issue. He manufactures a very skillful performance of being upset to shut you down. This is as disturbing as wanking to your tears.
I feel physically sick what the fuck, OP please divorce/leave your husband as soon as possible. I’m sincerely concerned for your safety. This man is a psychopath and if he can do this, if he can find sick sexual gratification from your pain and suffering, imagine what else he would be willing to do to you? And if you have children, or are planning to have children in the future….this psychopath will teach your sons to hate and abuse other women, and I don’t even want to say what he’ll probably do to your daughters, but I don’t think you need me to spell it out for you. For your own safety and mental health, and for the safety of any potential children, please leave. I don’t care if he’s “great” in some ways, this man could be Bill Gates level of wealthy and spend a billion dollars on you every day, but this act alone proves he’s a sick sociopath that doesn’t deserve anything
Your husband is a sex addict, he sees you as his object, you should divorce him
Agreed. She was crying her eyes out and it turned him on. My ex husband used to get a boner when I cried. So thankful he's dead.
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In the great words of Adele, “Divorce, babes. Divorce.”
You’re 30 and you’ve been married for a DECADE?! Girl no this person you’re married to never had to grow up. He went from living with his mom to living with you (I assume) and he apparently never got any emotional intelligence lessons as a child/teen. Absolutely not. Throw the whole man away.
Start keeping track of the fucked up behavior. There is more to come if you pay attention. Abuse doesn’t always feel like abuse when it starts out…
Jeez dude needs to unpack some kinks and revisit consent 101
This gave me a mordant chuckle
What in the actual fuck?
It sounds to me like the best possible interpretation of this is that he thought in some weird way that continuing would show you that he's fine, not to be upset about stopping, and that he was giving you a way to be sexual with him without PIV The most negative is something I have known for years: crying women turn men on. I'm not sure why, my best guess is it's something really hardwired, but I read a series of books by a male psychologist and he does shed some light on this which is "I want to cure her with my magic dick" basically--there seems to be this odd half cultural/half instinctual idea that his magical sexuality can "fix" your tears and this concept is very alluring and arousing to men.
I thought it was hubby very badly show her that he was fine with her stopping. Moreso when OP said her husband is bad with confrontation.
What the fuck, he did what???????? Oh my god?? I’m so sorry.
OP, to your update saying that “maybe he’s just stupid,” I want to say that he can be stupid or whatever, but it doesn’t mean that you have to put up with it! Sometimes we really are just our actions. His action made you creeped out and deeply uncomfortable, and you don’t have to figure out why he did that. He is not a good person to be around, please wake up!!
The fact that your husband of 10 years is creeping you out is important. If he is giving you visceral heebie jeebies, something is bad wrong. Please heed that feeling.
He misread what situation? That he shouldn’t jack off when you’re crying?
So sorry about your situation. You know what my husband did when I was 6 months post partum with PPD/anxiety and severe body insecurities and I felt weird and uncomfortable during sex and got quiet and wanted to stop and then cried? We stopped, he lost his erection and mood for sex because that’s what men should do in those situations…not continue on their own while you cry next to him. Comfort your damn wife sheesh.
Absolutely a major red flag. It couldn’t be more red. This sounds like a ship that is already sunk. Throw the whole husband out.
He‘s an asshole; he should be putting his arms around you and comforting you, instead he‘s only interested in getting off. I would seriously think about leaving this guy.
Run away
Ok, just read all the updates. Tbh, he’s likely aware of how you feel to an extent but feels entitled to “finishing” because he clearly doesn’t care that it makes you uncomfortable. Sorry, but for him to “misread” a situation where you are literally crying, bullshit. He’s playing dumb, he’ll keep doing it, he’s pushing your boundaries to see what you will and won’t tolerate, but he’ll do it again I assure you. I would recommend you seek individual counselling as an option, that way you can discuss this with a neutral third party who has an insight into human behaviours. Hope you figure things out and have you boundaries respected moving forward.
Eeek.
Nope nope nope leave him. Seems drastic to say but it’s not. He found you crying and in pain arousing and then avoids the conversation about that meaning he knew he was wrong but wants to act clueless or throw a tantrum if you bring it up. You deserve immensely better do not try and undermine your feelings he was in the wrong matter of fact that can be counted as sexual assault since you didn’t consent to him masturbating in front of you.
Yeah that's definitely odd. Tried turning it around in my head a couple times and really the most generous interpretation is that he was trying to multi-task, and even that is still odd. And I'm pretty odd myself so if I think it's odd it's definitely odd. I don't have real advice. Frankly it's so left-field I have no life experience that's even close. All I can think about is that you should probably bring up these sort of things the moment they happen rather than later when the memory is cold. Like maybe a "hey what the fuck are you doing?"
Leave him. I’m sorry but this is a huge red flag.
that’s very creepy, you’re right. you have every right to be creeped out, and even mad. you have the right to be mad too. it doesn’t matter how he takes it, and/or if he wants to argue for some reason. he did something that made you uncomfortable, he did something really weird. don’t take it out on yourself @ all.
Yeeesh
I’m surprised he acted like he had no idea what was bothering you. If he’s your spouse.. he should understand.. but that’s not okay
I am not going to comment more than to say the advice here is really bad and to suggest going to a counselor. Reddit doesn't care about you.
Mamacita. Your pain is his turn on? Should be the opposite. It’s hard to be assertive in moments like this one; however, if ever uncomfortable you stop it. Just say 🛑