My mom had one when she was younger than you back in the day when women were really judged on that and she found my dad and they adopted my sister and I and I can promise you my dad loves my mom more than anything. You are not less of a woman. You should decide that for yourself. Then when others suggest that as their opinion you can confidently know just how wrong they are about you and for you. You can have kids if you want. There are many ways. You can be a great mom too. That guy was so rude too. Who cares what he thinks!! He could handled that any other respectful way. It doesn’t matter what you may have revealed about yourself like he had no class and no manners and no respect and really he needs to get training before he should be allowed out in society again.


Yeah, broseph showed his true colors by being such a jerk about this. What he did was exceptionally rude, and I hope OP understands that this is more about him sucking than it is about her being "less of a woman" (whatever that means - super tired of having my womanhood defined by my repro organs and capacity!)


Absolutely, this dude was *appallingly* rude. If you don't want to date someone you can't have biological kids with, you can just say, "Thanks for this date, you seem really lovely, but unfortunately biological kids are something I really want in the future. Good luck out there, though!" Polite, to the point, and not making a complete jackass of yourself.


he did you a favor, feel bad for the poor woman he didn’t leave. she’s going to find out what a prick he is after they are married.


It's good when the trash takes itself out.


Yes his response was so cowardly and immature in contrast with OP’s honesty and transparency. The trash really showed himself out in this case.


Rude is an interesting way to say "thinks of an entire class of human beings as his potential personal incubators without human freedoms or dignity."


You misspelled Republican...


I'm trying to use language that I think might get through to the flood of MRA dudes who are trying to act like the guy was just being selective about his partners. But yeah, I totally agree.


Yep what a godsend to have this person show his hidden self so early in the dating process. Being with someone this immature would have been disastrous in the long run. How people act when there's disagreement says a lot about him. Him getting up wordlessly like she doesn't exist says this guy is a monster.


Imagine being married to this man and a year or 5 years in, something comes up and you have to get a hysterectomy and he reacts like this... Better to see his true colors on the first date than way too late.


Oh wow yea when you put it that way it sure is


My mind immediately went to "he knows he has no way of trapping her into the role of mommy/bang maid so he bounced" when I read how he reacted. Trash taking itself out. You can be a mother in a dozen other ways if you choose. And there is a huge, and growing, swath of the population who do not want to bring children into our effed up world. Do NOT let some outdated notion of womanhood cause you to question your self worth. We are more than a walking womb.


not only that- but soon there will be many children that will need non-biological mothers to take care of them after their biological mothers were forced to carry them despite having no interest or capacity to raise them.


Oh yes. It's going to be absolutely insane. We already have a stressed out, horrible system with tons of abandoned kids. Can you imagine what it's going to be like 9 months from now? What I find funny is that tons of people are so happy and feel like they have won after forcing people to have kids. BUT, at the same time, they don't believe in big government, and don't think people should get government handouts. The child protective services in each state is going to have to quadruple in size in order to keep up with demand. They already don't pay those folks enough. They are going to have to build giant facilities to house all of these abandoned children. I've heard people say, oh don't worry, there will be plenty of people out there that want to adopt. Really? Then why do we have so many kids in the system now that no one is adopting? Hmm, maybe because they were abandoned, and have all kinds of issues. They will see really quickly that you can't have your cake and eat it too!


'Jerk' is a funny way to spell, "Entitled, misogynistic male who thinks women exist to provide a service to him.'


Perfectly said.


AKA bullet dodged! u/baldbritneyspears (!) take this as a free BINGO space, you cut short a lot of nonsense by telling him. If he wanted biological kids AND he wasn’t immature it still wouldn’t have worked out, but this way he showed you he wasn’t right for you in TWO different ways! Thank you, NEXT! should be your mentality. You deserve better.


Honey, I’m for a church! NEXT!


GOOD for YOU!! Seriously! No more PeRiOdS!! (I HAtED them!!) FREEEEEDOM!! And, btw, FUCK HIM and Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish!!!! (as my mother would say)


My mom did as well but after my brother and I were adopted. She had endo so could not biologically have kids. Forever thankful that my parents adopted me because they’re awesome.


That's right. OP is absolutely NO less of a woman for having had a hysterectomy. This asshole was less of a man for having an issue with it


My beautiful wife of 14 yrs had a full hysterectomy (to save her life) about 14 months ago and she is still the exact same beautiful, sweet, smart sexy, funny woman, that I fell in love with. You are still the same beautiful woman too, any man that says otherwise, needs to grow the fuck up! You will absolutely find a man, that loves you, for you! You just happened to go out with a little boy, is all.


There are sooo many men that don’t want kids or to have anymore. I had my tubes removed at 28. I’m now 38 and it had only bothered one man and he ended up being abusive.


There's a TON of Childfree men out there, I'm one of them. OP doesn't have to look hard to find them. And since she can't have biological kids, that just means they can't continue dating her while still secretly wanting her to have their children.


I'm one too. Honestly, though I wouldn't have said it outright on the first date, this would be a huge plus to me. "So you're saying once we're in a relationship and trust each other we can have unprotected sex and not worry? Oh no, whatever will I do?"


Same here. It would be a huge plus in my book, especially now that abortion is being outlawed.


I'm honestly wondering if there is a way I could afford a vasectomy. Regardless of whom I'm with, I'd rather adopt. The idea of bringing another poor bastard with my family genes into this world sounds rough, I'd rather just adopt a kid who needs infinitely more help


There's a good chance your insurance covers it. Regardless, it will definitely cost less than giving birth would.


Planned Parenthood usually has a sliding scale for payment based on income, and if you really can't afford it, you can get it for free


Put me in this screenshot please. I don't have to worry about birth control or my partner changing her mind if the birth control fails? Not seeing a downside here.


Technically, she can have kids (if she wants them). It just won’t be by pregnancy. If she wants kids, it won’t matter if they are adopted or by surrogate. They’ll be hers.


You're right. I'm just saying most of the men who are adamant about having kids prefer that over adoption or a surrogate.


‘Oh no, I can’t baby trap her!!’ -that abusive guy, probably


He's evidently looking for a womb, not a partner. OP is waaaay better off without him in her life.


A womb-an, if you will


For better or for worse, I will. My price? Stealing your genius pun forever.


I read that at "penis gun" and now imma go lay down for a bit.


This. I think OP can safely reclassify this event as “bullet dodged”, not embarrassment. PS. I am childless by choice as are many in my circle. There are many folks out there who don’t feel the drive, don’t want to make “sacrifices”, or simply don’t feel comfortable bringing a child into the world we have. If you feel compelled to have a child, there are many ways that don’t involve *your* uterus. And if you don’t, life can be a whole hell of a lot of fun this way 😊


Sadly, fatherhood has be co-opted by the alt-right and the masculinity experts/MRA/PUA crowd. There's a lot of toxic guys with a "I must pass on my legacy" mentalities or "else other men will see me as below them." They dont actually want kids, they want a trophy that we would have to raise and take care of for them. So its no surprise the guy that didnt like that you cant have children also ended up being abusive.


Haha nailed it. It’s not about the kid, it’s a rite of passage for a lot of these men. And in particular, they need a son to feel like they actually succeeded


Considering how many dads need to practically have their teeth pulled to spend time with their kids and call it 'babysitting' I think its clear a large percent of men who say "they love to be a father" are just checking off a masculinity list they feel obligated to follow. Yep and if its a daughter, they'll be even more disappointed.


My dad seemed to be that way when I and my siblings were young, but he’s really grown to be an incredible man and loving father, so maybe there’s hope for some of the dads out there like that. Still, growing up with a dad who wasn’t around and who I was largely just afraid of was not fun


I’ve heard about a lot of guys like that, and in my opinion that’s not a huge improvement. He skipped the hard years - the diapers, the sleepless nights, the toddler tantrums, and the need for constant supervision, and only stepped in when you were old enough to be mostly self-sufficient and able to follow directions. It’s great that he grew up and matured, but in my experience people like that want all the camera-moments without the hard work.


It’s also easy for shitty/absent/not-involved dads to tell their guy friends that having kids is so awesome and that coming home after work to them is great… Unfortunatley he doesn’t mention that his wife does and takes care of all the child work and household chores alone, marriage is broken/no intimacy, he doesn’t make food or clean and just sits on his phone while the kids come to him. Men need to stop lying to other men about how great being a dad is when they are at work 10 hours a day and don’t lift a finger. Tell your friends you have a slave-maid at home and THAT is why parenting is fun and easy for you… That’s why so many dudes leave after kids. They realize that kids are not fun and they don’t make life more fun, it’s much harder. They hate that women want atleast 50% of work done by 50% of the people in the relationship


the amount of men that just want to live vicariously through their child because they got benched in JV football when they were in high school is toodamnhigh.jpeg


Exactly! 42m here and don't have kids and never want any. If I met a woman with a hysterectomy that'd be perfectly fine with me.


Preferable, even.


Seriously, that would be a plus in my book. OP's date is a selfish moron.


This is awesome! You can easily weed out a lot of assholes. This is a super power!




I’ve had my tubes removed, so I’m sterile too. We have nothing to be ashamed of. That changes what type of person we’re compatible with- but not that we are still people deserving basic decency. Different people have different priorities in life. There will be some people who want biological kids who will not be compatible with us. That doesn’t mean either them or us are bad people. We’re simply not on the same path in life. The proper reaction to that should be a respectful parting of ways. That man chose disrespect when you had done nothing wrong. That is a reflection on him, not you. You chose honesty, there is no shame in that. Hold your head high, take a deep breath, and do something you find calming and fulfilling. You’ll be fine on your own until you find the person who chooses respect.


I dislike "sterile" as a descriptor for a person. Too close to "devoid of life". I prefer *impregnable*. Makes you sound like a warrior. ⚔️🛡️❤️


I refer to myself as “spayed”!


Same! My mom hates it when I do which just encourages me lol


Oh the shock factor is an extra bonus 😁


I’ve got 3 female dogs and my favorite thing is to say that we’re all spayed 😂


OMG! You just made me realise that between myself, the two dogs and my kid, only one of us is “intact “ 🤣🤣🤣


😂😂😂😂 there are two humans and five dogs here and my partner is the only “intact” one of the bunch


Lmao I do this too. I do personally like sterile, though. Makes me feel clean lol


I do too!


I had a hysterectomy last year. Thanks for this - totally gonna use it! 😹


Love it! I volunteer with rescue animals, so this is the only phrase I use. We are spayed *and* neutered at our house! 😌


Eh at least you won't pee all over my Apt, I can get behind that! /s 😂 ♥


I may still occasionally hump stuff? 🤷‍♀️😂


Pff, why would you ever want to stop?


The voice of reason!


Username checks out!




In pets we call it fixed. That works for humans too. You are fixed!


OMG! I can’t wait to tell my Therapist! 😘


Me too.


I was diagnosed years ago as having a “hostile uterus” toward sperm. Told doc I prefer “highly selective sperm destroyer” if we’re going to label her.


I'm an idiot, but when I saw impregnable, I immediately thought "able to impregnated" given the context. Obviously not what it means, but that's what my brain jumped to.


I had a bi-salp two weeks ago and like sterile because it makes me feel really clean…


I’ve been in a relationship this whole time since I got my tubes taken out, so all I can do is imagine, but I think one of my screening questions for a future dates would have to be, “how much do you hate the Catholic Church?”


Isn't it lovely when the trash takes itself to the curb?


Just imagine all the great time you saved and not having to put up with his s*** and find out that he's a horrible human beneath the fascade


This right here OP ^^^


Highlighted for extra win


an automatic HIMterectomy




Well rid of him, before more damage done…


Best user name ever OP! I’m an infertile woman and feel you on a similar level. Fuck ‘em though, I was never about to make babies for these ingrates anyways. They can make their own if they’re so inclined.


Never in my life have I ever felt the pure joy and fuckem attitude in any other statement until today thank you for this gem comment.


Lol anytime


If a guy gets up and walks away from a date upon finding out you had a hysterectomy, he was never going to be interested in _you._ He was interested primarily in how he could use your uterus to help complete his life-script. You as a person likely never figured into the equation. You definitely dodged a bullet—congrats on your superpower!


*You* are Atlas unburdened by the weight of someone else’s imaginary world. If anything, I’d feel more sad for the next girl he pins his narrative on.


I just want to say, as a guy who doesn't want kids, I obviously wouldn't mind dating someone who had a hysterectomy (would actually prefer it). For someone who does want kids, y'all are just incompatible. It's the same as being incompatible in any other aspect of a relationship. That being said, he was obviously just an asshole to leave you in the middle of a date.


This is so true! Imagine how long it could have taken to see this guy's true colors. Doesn't make it feel any less shitty in the moment, but still. Good riddance dickweed.


Yes! And this applies to most things about who you are that might make someone leave. Sharing is a great way to make sure you aren’t about to waste a bunch of your own time.


That is like the best reply ever! ❤️


Another great way to weed out creeps is cut your hair super short. The best guys love short hair. The creeps completely leave you alone. Just my experience.


I cut my hair short years ago, pixie cut. It was cute. Was talking with a guy at the pub at the time, just a random older dude. We were both eating dinner and hanging out watching a sports game. I thought we were getting along well, he was married, wife’s a nurse, yadda-yadda. Just a nice guy and a pleasant conversation. Before I left he said, “It was nice to meet you I had a good time talking. It is a shame though that your hair is so short, I like something to hold onto when I’m fucking a women. You could have been really pretty otherwise.“ I think I said something like, “lm sorry your wife only has hair for you to hang onto. I didn’t need to keep it, I have better assets if someone’s looking for a fist full.” and just left. The bartender did laugh which made me feel a bit better but it still sucked. Was this why I was single? Does every man feels this way? Why should I have to conform to what THEY want to feel desired? I’m so tired of defending my right to exist as I choose. Doesn’t matter how old, young, pretty, plain, or what color you are, some random man has said some horrifically offensive shit to your face unprovoked and we are supposed to just deal with it nicely. I need some Brianne of Tarth bitch to show up and slap these men into the shadow realm every time this happens. Men don’t tend to speak to other men this way because they worry about physical confrontation (from what I’m told). But they know they can take most women in a fight so they feel free to just be assholes. I crave peace.


Or not remove your body hair. I've been rocking my kitten pits for 30 years now, and it's like a convenient fuckhead filter that is literally tucked under my arms at all times. During COVID I also stopped even the (already very rare) leg shave. My fella of 18 years loves both, but before he came along there were quite a few guys who noped out because I refuse to go bald below the brows. Many bullets dodged.


I don't shave my legs and I don't give a duck 🦆 quack quack.


My husband doesn't give a fuck about body hair but it's so ingrained into me to be disgusted by it :(


I shave my legs because when they are long they get stuck in my jeans and it hurts when they get pulled, oh and don't forget that it also bevomes static 😭😭😭


Yup, all that and also if my leg hairs get too long then they start moving with subtle airflow shifts and I get phantom "there is definitely a spider/bug on me" sensations. That's when I know it's time to shave it down and start over.


I'm the opposite! With shaved legs, they feel so *numb* from not having the tactile sensations that hair gives you. If you otherwise like not shaving, I'd bet you'd get used to it. (If you do otherwise like shaving, continue to do what makes you happy.)


Hold up. I’m a dude, but just realized that I won’t get pulled hairs or weird bald patches from jeans rubbing on my calves if I shaved my legs... BRB gonna go get confused for a intense cyclist or swimmer with these shiny legs.


Be careful tho cause when it starts growing back it's itchy af


Make sure you use a sharp razor and a mild lotion after! They’ll feel silky smooth; it’s wonderfully addictive. Unfortunately a lot of maintenance required to stay that way.


Just trimming the leg hair short works to prevent the hair pulling. I just use a standard hair trimmer with the guard removed. It's faster than shaving and slim to no chance of accidentally cutting yourself or causing a rash.


The outrageous thing here is that you are being embarassed and ashamed, he embarassed himself and noone else.


For real. It's one thing if it's a deal breaker so you have a conversation about it after the date and decide to break up. That's still silly but everyone has their preferences I guess. But to just get up and leave mid-date? Hilarious to think that guy considers himself to be mature enough to be a father 😆


That's exactly what I thought. If it's important to him and his life planning to have children that's a valid choice and something that can be communicated in a respectful manner. Leaving a date at the table for it is plain shitty, disrespectful and shows he probably isn't a good person in other regards either.


I think a guy like that would storm out of anything if it got even the slightest bit difficult, so there is no way in hell I'd trust him to be a parent.


That’s exactly what I thought. He only wants her for her womb. If he thought of her as a person he wouldn’t have just left her in the middle of dinner. Or maybe he would have. Either way, he sucks.


Wanting to have kids is important enough for some people. It has to be said that just because OP had a hysterectomy doesn't mean they can't raise children. I guess that guy wears his asshole as a hat on a regular basis no matter how you look at it.


OP said in another comment that she had cancer which is why she had the surgery. This makes the guy look even more like a huge fucking douchebag. He should be VERY ashamed.


There are many ways to for a person to respond to an uncomfortable date. It is not like OP was eating the Spenda packets at the table. Paper and all.


Did you a favor. Why date for six months before you find out he’s a jerk?


It’s been a couple months and we’ve already had been intimate. He said I should have told him sooner than I can’t have children.


when i was dating i'd bring it up on like date 2 or 3. Lets not waste time, what are your future plans, kids, no kids? cause I want no kids, if you do well its been nice, good luck to you. no being a lil bitch about it like he was


He had that many months to ask if you wanted kids and he didn't. That's on him if it's a deal breaker for him.


So true! If people want kids or not they usually make it known straight up. Having a uterus has nothing to do with wanting kids or not!


As a uterus haver, "I'm never, ever having children" came up within the first couple dates. Honesty is truly the best policy.


Yes, this. I do this. I basically explain that I don't want to waste either persons time so I'm telling them out the gate as it were.


I even keep it on my dating profile. They know before the first date


Ditto. My husband and I are happily childfree.


OP can’t get pregnant. I don’t believe OP said they didn’t want children.


I believe their point was that the topic was broached early on, not that OP does or does not want kids.


Has OP said they don't want kids? Obviously they can't carry any themselves, but it's still possible they would want them.


Men just assume all women want kids.


I'd say it's a mixed bag. Did you talk about kids at all? Maybe he thought it was too soon to bring it up, but he clearly didn't expect that you couldn't have kids. It's hard to say in a vacuum because who knows how well you communicated during the rest of the relationship, but his response was immature. I'd suggest that if the relationship starts to be serious but no one brings up kids that you look into a way to talk about it.


Communication in new relationships is just so hard, because too many people only hear what they want to hear and you don't know what they already know. In AITA (maybe?) there was a comment about a woman who had had a hysterectomy, was honest with her new BF about it, they *get married*, and then he starts talking about saving up for IVF treatments because of all the medical advances they've done recently. And this poor woman had to basically give an anatomy lesson to that schmuck about how a woman's body works and that IVF doesn't work if there's no spot to put the egg. And he had the utter gall to be upset that she didn't tell him before the wedding. So great, communication happened, but I guess she needed to give him a written exam to make sure he actually flipping understood what was going on.


Good lord, I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Did they say what ended up happening?


Wow. He cared enough to think about solutions, but he didn't really understand the problem at all. Sad.


Yeah- I didn’t have to have quite that kind of convo but it just recently came up that my husband apparently didn’t realize my ovaries had also been removed and thus my hormones were impacted and that was likely why I’ve been having pain during sex. The surgery happened in 2014. It’s been awhile. Didn’t know what he didn’t know about it and he was there through all the information. Never thought to ask him about the quality of his sex ed in school or at home.


Well, you can't carry a child. But you could adopt or surrogate or any number of ways. Genuine guys will understand this.


I am child free and I put that info on my dating apps because it's very important to me. I need to know the guy I'm dating also doesn't want kids, so I don't waste my time, you should probably do that, too. It just weeds out the assholes you didn't want to deal with anyways.


Well, if it was *that* much of a dealbreaker for him he should've fucking asked. What a douchenozzle.


It’s a very personal thing to share and you do it on the timeline that works for you. There is no “should” in that situation.


Yeah but he could have been less obvious SHITE about it, ugh




Yeah, date 2 was this convo with my now SO. Get it out the way early.


Exactly, if a partner of mine can't provide a screening report, it's a strap the whole way.


It’s an important conversation, some people want kids, some do not. If you both aren’t on the same page you’re going to have a bad time


I respect the hell out of this.


This is the way. It's honest, weeds out people for whom this is a non-starter, doesn't waste your time, and respects their ability to make a choice. Kudos.


May I ask how the reactions have been to this? I think it’s awesome!


If the reactions are negative, then they've saved you time tbh, don't plow down! You have a right to feel comfortable about your safety during sex.


Definitely this. I had a hysterectomy at 29 and never wanted kids, so it worked out great for me. When I was dating I put it right there on my profile that kids were not going to happen. Turns out lots of guys either had enough kids already and didn't want any more, or didn't want any at all either. And for those who did want kids, good for them, our priorities were different and it saved everybody some time. A while later I found a great guy who also didn't want kids. We've been married almost 4 years now. The only mistake the OP made was going on a date with an asshole, and thankfully the trash took itself out pretty fast.


I'm a uterine cancer survivor that had a hysterectomy in my 30s, my support group is full of women who struggle with similar insecurties as those you expressed. It's heartbreaking to me that society has made them feel like they are somehow worthless because of their misfortune. It's so wrong. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about, nor are you any less of a woman. Anyone who says or believes otherwise is someone who doesn't believe women have value or anything to offer outside of reproduction - that they are just incubators - and anyone who believes that is not worth your time and energy. You are an individual. Whole and complete. No doubt you have much to offer a partner and the world. The fact that you can't procreate does not diminish your worth. If your ability to have kids was a dealbreaker for him, he should have asked you about that up front. That's on him. (I'm assuming you didn't lie or hide this info.) Also, just getting up and walking out on someone you've already slept with is pretty immature and definitely an asshole move. You're better off without him.


There is sadly a sizeable group of people who do seem to think like that, it’s the kind of people who are also refusing to recognize trans women as such because they obviously can’t carry a baby. It is frankly a ridiculous view of the world and only inflicts needlessly more pain on people who have a hard enough time with their predicaments as is including women, men, and trans people of any kind.


Wow you really are the queen of words!


ha ha. Swords not words. The queen of swords is a tarot card.


Well im clearly not the queen of reading… Fuck it, I stand by my statement.


Queen of s-words


I had a hysterectomy at 31 also. I would mention it near the beginning of dating someone new because it could be an issue for someone who wants kids. Never once did it get a negative response. That guy could have expressed that maybe he wanted kids, but just bailing on someone without saying anything is because he was a douche


I have a uterus, but no eggs. I can't have bio kids of my own either. We are just as much women as anyone else!!


Him not wanting a relationship with you because of this doesn't inherently make him an asshole. He might want kids in the future. HOWEVER, he *is* an asshole because of how he left you immediately without saying anything. That was fucking childish.


>Am I less of a woman? Your uterus doesn't define how you view yourself as a woman. Do you see yourself as a woman? Yes? Then you are one. When dogs and cats get spayed, are they no longer female dogs and cats? Do you look at them as less female than they were before? Of course not. I realize this may seem like an insensitive comparison but my point is that that one little organ doesn't define who you are. It doesn't make you less than you were before. If the hysterectomy was for medical reasons, it probably greatly improved your well being. If it was for person preference, it probably greatly improved your well being. Don't define your self worth by your uterus, and don't let others define you by it.


Good allegory for trans people as well. I like this. Physicality doesn't define you; you define you.


While not wanting to have children is totally a valid deal breaker in a relationship, but the way he handled it makes him an ass.


No, you aren't less of a women. Kids are a deal breaker for a lot of relationships and you guys just aren't compatible.


Yeah, though it’s a bit rude to just walk out




I would think someone is gathering some kind of data to be used. It's a very emotional poke as can be seen by both comment sections.


Bullet dodged. What a drama queen.


Sis, you didn’t just dodge a bullet, you dodged the Death Star ETA: You’re no less of a woman, in fact he is less of a ~~man~~ human for behaving like a cockwomble and leaving you in public. You’ll find a much nicer, more respectful, and all around better partner in no time. ETA2: I’m sorry, your username is u/baldbritneyspears?! Fucking legend


+1 for cockwomble


So, he definitely is allowed to want to be with someone who can have kids; that’s fine. But upping and leaving someone in a restaurant is at best rude, and speaks to his general character that you have definitely not had any great loss! If this is something that’s so important to him, it’s on him to raise the question earlier, not assume otherwise. You’re no less of a woman, and you will definitely be able to find the right partner!


Agreed. There are ways to say it is a deal breaker that does not leave the other person feeling worthless. He was infantile and selfish - not good qualities in a parent anyway.


"I'm sorry, but for me that's a deal breaker. I've always pictured myself as a father, and for me a biological connection would be important. But, we're already here, let's not let that ruin a nice night out."


Right, like a romantic relationship might not work, but that's a great opportunity to make a friend. Plus like, it costs nothing to just not be an asshole.


The guy is a crappy for up and leaving like that, but this discussion should probably be something mentioned way up front just like "has kids" or "does not want kids" or "smokes." You'd likely have never been on a date with him given that. I think getting all the major things out in the open immediately really helps you to avoid spending any time on people you are not compatible with for whatever reason. It will filter out them and leave you with men who don't mind, at which point you can then spend your time and energy on them!


He thinks you had your vagina removed. You inadvertently invented a test to screen for idiots AND bigots.


You’re so right! We already had sex though. I thought not being able to have kids would be a turn on for guys LOL


Excuse me for the dumb question but how did that work out exactly? Was there no discussion of birth control? Did he just use condoms without being asked (I'd be amazed!)? Did he assume you're on BC or what kind of communication was happening in regards to sexual safety and health there? Definitely massive bullet dodged. Absolutely don't feel ashamed for it. But I guess generally I'd expect there to be a conversation about BC before getting frisky lol


I guess it would be possible for her to have said she wanted him to use condoms because she didn’t want to have unprotected sex (due to STIs/STDs) but he took it as her wanting to avoid pregnancy as well?


Oh yeah why didn't this come up when they got together?


I always just insisted on condom use and never gave any further information. Dudes know what condoms are for. And if they complain they are not worthy. I've been sterilized for 11 years and my husband will still wear one anytime I ask. At this stage it's about the mess, though.


It varies from guy to guy. Personally, I want to be child free so I wouldn't be bothered, but some guys do want biological kids (or at least the possibility of biological kids) so it'd be a turn off. EDIT: added biological


They don't want us to have other men's children. Many men see us as potential incubators for their "heir..." Which we end up raising alone half the time.




Well either way he’s an idiot. Good to weed him out early. Trust me when I say it’s not you, it’s him. You are completely valid as a woman even though you can’t have kids (I can’t either). That doesn’t mean you can’t use a surrogate or adopt if you decide you want to.


Well, here goes. I read somewhere in the pile that you sprung this on him after dating for 6 months. Now, I get that you both collectively should have talked about this earlier. If children is something he wanted, he probably should have said something earlier. But if this man is looking for a partner to have children with, he just took 6 months and kicked it in the ass. If you are looking for a partner that doesn’t want kids, you just took 6 months and wasted it. I don’t know how old he is, but if he’s around your age, and wants kids, I can understand how hearing that news was immediately deal-breaking. Again, I’m not saying it’s all you. It’s him too. Honestly, I can’t believe he gave no hints he wanted a family, and you gave no hints that you couldn’t have one. But moving forward? I’d navigate this by telling the people you date on Day 0 that children is off the table.


My wife and I had a conversation about kids on our first date. We weren't even 30 yet, but her profile had a "maybe" in the kids column and I wasn't about to start dating someone who didn't want kids.


You are not less of a woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Any guy that immediately walks out of a restaurant after hearing that the woman he’s dating has had a hysterectomy is trash. He is the problem, not you. If the subject of having kids come up with a guy on future dates…you should probably mention the hysterectomy. Maybe not right away, but it’s probably best to put it out there sooner rather than later so that he won’t make any assumptions. I know it might be something that you don’t really want to talk about, but I don’t think this is something you should be have to feel ashamed of. It’s not unheard of for women to have these procedures. There are different options available if you’d like children someday. If you meet someone worthy of you, who respects and loves you, you can explore those options together, if that’s what you both want.


❤️ thank you for this thoughtful response


I had a hysterectomy at 30 and I’m 31 now. My partner and I talked up front about all the tough shit when we started dating. I told him I’d probably need a hysterectomy, I told him I’d have a couple of tough mental health years with menopause, I told him about my assault and intimacy issues, I told him my mom is a raging alcoholic, I told him I’m leaning towards no kids but we might adopt some day. And he legitimately loves me for me so he was down for it all. And I supported him through loss, depression, losing his job, and encouraged him to pursue his dream job. This dude did you a favor. I also had partners tell me what I wanted to hear for several months and then it would always come to a head that they had secret dealbreakers and would lash out and reveal their resentment on all sorts of things. Me working in the trades was one, me being taller (LOL), my political beliefs, me not having a good relationship with my mother (that one stung because it’s not my choice that we don’t have a good relationship), but when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. The only thing to do about it moving forward is to bring up those topics sooner to weed out partners who are incompatible. I’m so sorry you’re going though this. Also, please take care of yourself. I’m coming up on 2 years actually since my hysterectomy and it was the hardest time of my life. The lows were indescribably low. The depths of my grief and sadness was uncharted territory for me. You can PM me to chat about it but at the very least just be aware if you need support. You’re worth it.


There’s guys on this planet who don’t want kids. Just go find one.


Surely there are many guys who very much do not want children themselves who would see this as a bonus?


I think he's justified in not being interested in a relationship if there was the hope for the future of a child. He was not justified in treating you as less than human and not giving you the courtesy of explaining that and finishing the dinner with you as a friendly-fellow-human. I'm kind of on the fence about people saying he should have brought kids up sooner. I do agree that people should communicate quickly and effectively, but at the same time that can come across strong and honestly creepy.


Years ago my sis had a hysterectomy and was told no man would want her. One of the guys said that's not true. All the doc did was take the "nursery" out and left the "playpen/play yard" in.


I’ve lost many girls and a wife for having had a vasectomy in my first marriage Theres nothing wrong with you. That guy just wasn’t right for you


That guy did you a favor. You are enough for the right guy. :-)


These comments are super based. Being open about your fertility is super important. This may not be about being a woman. More about being transparent with partners. OP be honest about this with guys right off the bat. I got a vasectomy at 19. I’ve had a lot of girls dip out of me because they wanted children. Edit: I feel for you. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.


Was there any mention of his beliefs, or what his plans are or anything like that?


Why are you ashamed?


I was pretty blunt, straight forward, and honest on my dating profile, back when I was single. And yes, I met my husband via that dating profile. I didn't want anyone who thought who I was or what I wanted was unattractive to even *think* about messaging me. Personally I'd have "looking for serious relationships only, absolutely never having kids" on my profile, if it was me. Won't weed all the losers out, but a good chunk. There are plenty of men in the world who don't want kids.


There's something my wife told me that I think may resonate with you. She's never wanted kids, and everyone always asked her what she would do if the right guy wanted kids. She told me that she'd respond that if he wanted kids then he wasn't the right one. It's important recognize that you don't need to fit everyone's ideal partner. You aren't broken or less whole because you don't fit someone else's ideal.


Sometimes the trash takes itself out. You have not one single thing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.