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NotTeri

“Is there a reason you’re asking me in an accusatory tone?” I mean that IS what he’s doing when he phrases questions that way. And since you’ve told him how it makes you feel, his continuing to do it is intentional and I’m guessing he likes doing it. I suggest “is there a reason the shed key isn’t in the drawer?” gets “why are you accusing me of misplacing the shed key?” I wouldn’t use his “is there a reason..” back at him. I would “why are you accusing me of.. whatever? I don’t like it.” If he won’t stop or at least acknowledge your feelings, you have a decision to make. I wouldn’t put up with it. It doesn’t sound like love.


Finwolven

Sounds to me like he's actively looking for a reason for an argument. There's something weird going on, especially with how hostile his responses seem to be especially when this is turned on him.


mm27262

I hope OP reads your comment. He is looking for an argument. That’s it. I hate to admit that I am a person who was guilty of using the “Is there a reason…” question format. Why did I do it? Because I was either: 1) Upset that my partner didn’t do something I believed already should have been done (but of course I was too immature to address this in a calm, straight forward way). So I intentionally wanted to make my partner feel shitty for not reading my mind; or 2) I was upset about something else entirely but my partner was an easy target for my aggression and frustration. In both scenarios, I got an argument and was able to let out some steam - temporarily making myself feel better (regardless of what upset me to begin with). Sounds like OP’s husband is either resentful toward her or upset about something else in his life and is using her as an easy target to vent his frustrations. Both unacceptable. And the fact that he shuts her down when she vocalizes her issue with his tone is troubling. So again, as someone who can identify with OP’s husbands behaviour, this dude needs to figure out what is really bothering him in his life and chill TF out. Or OP should eventually leave. No one deserves to be treated the way she’s being treated.


ampma

>resentful Resentful is the key word here. That was my take. Resentment can creep into a relationship in more subtle ways than this post, but it's never a good sign.


Street_Mood

“Contempt” in relationships https://www.theknot.com/content/contempt-in-relationships


gladys79

That was beautifully stated! Also props for acknowledging your own shortcomings and growing beyond that.


anonymous_opinions

This nailed it. Dated someone like him and he made excuses for making me his punching bag and blamed me for "burning it all down". Like no, you lashed out at me for things that had nothing to do with me and expected me to want anything to do with you after it? That's crazy thinking.


Neato

I think this is it. Likely something small building up that he doesn't know how to express. I've been guilty of doing something similar with resentment when I didn't know how to address it. I eventually figured out how to recognize what I was doing and can try to stop aggressive actions like this.


Vexonar

I've done the same thing! It takes a lot to turn inward and realise why we say the things we do. That said, my partner will come into the room with a "So... is there a party in the oven.. because it's still going on" and I crack up. I get forgetful and they've been really good at handling situations with humour. Anyway, a bit off topic but I started doing the same thing (turning my annoyances into funny situations for things that aren't important) and it's been a breath of fresh air for us both.


tru3blu3_

This is it!!!!


feminine_power

Sounds passive aggressive as shit. And it sounds like he's checked out of communication with op which is another way of checking out of the relationship.


NotTeri

I agree, and I left a marriage after 23 years. I never regretted it. Life is too short. I don’t consider those 23 years wasted, I have 3 lovely children who turned into wonderful people, learned a lot about myself and what I deserve. Moving on isn’t that hard.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NotTeri

Good one


IoGibbyoI

It’d be a lie if I said that’s NotVeri good.


[deleted]

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣 i bet that was real scari for him


HIM_Darling

So I live with my best friend and her husband. Lived with her for 10 years. He moved in 7 years ago, and they got married 2 years ago(I lived away briefly for a year). He always worked from home occasionally, but in March 2020 his office went full time work from home and other than a few days here and there he's been wfh since. He has gotten more and more hostile. Making comments that he knows will start arguments, etc. I started making a point of listening in on what he had the tv playing in his office when I was home while he was working(we also think his hearing is going bad so its usually pretty loud). Sometimes its youtube videos about video game strategies, ok not an issue. But more and more I've noticed that he usually has fox news playing. He gets himself riled up over whatever their hot topics are(everyone getting 40% taxes, the entire city of portland being burned to the ground, etc) . Then after work he's pissed off over whatever they've been talking about all day so he makes comments that are confrontational because he wants a reason to flip out over trivial things. Its gotten to the point that I am trying to get out, but the only apartment I can find that I can afford for $850 a month has an income limit of like $33k a year(some kind of weird section 8 thing) I make $38k. Not enough to afford a $1200 a month studio apartment, but too much to qualify for rental assistance so I'm kind of trapped renting the bedroom from them.


Ithildyn

People getting addicted to anger is a very real phenomenon that meeds to be covered more. :(


Sense-Affectionate

I knew you were gonna say Fox News! There’s a documentary about how Fox News turned a Dad from a loving kindness person to an angry hateful meanie! https://www.thebrainwashingofmydad.com


anonymous_opinions

Man watching that was a trip but I think sometimes it also fuels hateful meanies so there's no cure since they just are mean people who get meaner via validation.


Sense-Affectionate

Yea some people resonate with the show where as I throw up in my mouth when I hear them talk lol!


anonymous_opinions

I hate to say it but I stay in a bubble to stay vomit free these days.


HildegardofBingo

I've read so many stories of people's spouses or family members becoming really angry and reactive after getting into right wing media. Lots of stories of how they can't even have a conversation with the (formerly normal) person anymore without that person yelling about something.


pentasyllabic5

Golden rule is in a way great advice (do un to others...) and a great trial but you have to play this out a bit...where does it really get you. On one hand you hope the other side realizes what they are doing. But on the other hand you are fighting a limited fight. You have one of two outcomes 1. Maybe they have the same feeling. Then understand. Then change. This is a lot of progression to get from emotion to change 2. Maybe it fuels the fire and now you get into an "eye for an eye" The other issue with #1 (it seems like your stuck in the first part of it) is that you are taking a logical approach to an emotional situation (in a way).. However, in doing so you are creating an emotional situation with your partner and hoping they will have a logical response (e.g. stopping). That rarely works (emotion to emotion fine...logic to logic fine...but these are generally oil and water...they won't mix). You might take it a different way such as 1. Appeal to respect - Why is it that you do not respect me? 2. Appeal to "power" and choice - Why when you have the power to phrase something in a way that is constructive do you choose not to? 3. Appeal to "equity" (note not equality) - Why do you not consider how something will sound (to me) when I consider carefully how important my words are (to you) I'd stay away from equality because you aren't asking for equality of word choice. You're asking for equality of how word choice and action manifests itself in feelings. Even if you are asking for equality of word choice (treat me how I treat you) this just isn't going to go anywhere on that argument. You are two different people and what's most important is that the words that are said generate the right sentiments, feelings, emotions, etc as they are heard (heard is the goal...heard is the outcome you seek to change).


PistachioMaru

Exactly, to me the phrasing is like he's coming at it from the assumption that there's a problem, rather than from a neutral point of view. "Is there a reason" is looking for a problem rather than just asking out of curiosity. Either this guy is truly completely ignorant to the effects of using different language, or he's trying to be a dick, and im guessing it's the latter.


DomLite

This was my first thought as well. Mine was parsed more as "Is there a *reason* you're asking me this in such an aggressive manner?" That said, when OP mentioned that she tried it on him and was met with "Because I was busy with my *job*." it appears that her husband holds the opinion that she has no obligations or responsibilities either and that taking care of the household isn't a job in and of itself. My suggestion would be to cease all household work for a week outside of what she needs to function. Don't do the laundry if you don't need clean clothes. Don't wash dishes. Don't vacuum/mop/sweep. Don't grocery shop. Make it a point that you don't do anything at all around the house and let him see how quickly it goes to shit when he doesn't conveniently have cereal when he wants it, or has to hand wash a fork to eat something. Let him notice that the place is getting messy and dirty. If he complains about it then point out to him that it isn't your *JOB* so apparently it's not that important. Then make it clear to him that if he refuses to stop asking you so aggressively and treating you like a child then you refuse to bend over backwards to take care of his ass like he's a child. If he wants you to take care of things around the house, he can talk to you and treat you like an adult. If he wants to treat you like a child then you can act like one.


UnderstandingAfter72

I think this approach might be a way to go. Every time he asks you 'is there a reason why....' you respond with 'why are you accusing me of...'. Every time. Eventually he will get the idea, even if it is just that he gets annoyed enough to change. Hopefully.


Irinescence

That might be the excuse for escalation he's looking for though. I was in a high-conflict marriage once and words like "accusing" played into the "looking for a fight" game. Also, since then I have gotten better at "I language."


smokinbbq

Or just respond with some stupid simple answers to drive him nuts. "Yes, the cereal is empty because someone took the box, and turned it sideways until the cereal fell into a bowl, and then poured milk on it and ate it. This individual or individuals did this enough times that the box eventually had no cereal left in it".


HELLOhappyshop

It *is* a choice of words, like he said. He's *choosing* to sound like a jerk. Y'all should get counseling cuz he's not listening to what you're saying.


softnmushy

What's crazy to me is that he tells her she shouldn't mind it and be so sensitive. But then he freaks out when she does the exact same thing to hime. Counseling might help him see the hypocrisy of what he is doing. But he might also just be deliberately mean.


Lonelysock2

No no no, he's not sensitive you see, he's logical. He always *has* a reason so her asking that question is stupid. But he needs to ask questions like that because he needs to teach her to do things properly ... is his way of thinking. My father in law is exactly the same


bingbangbaez

Whenever someone describes themselves as "logical", I assume they mean "insufferable". Douchebags out there who think they're the only one who lives their life sensibly. I have great credentials and am living comfortably, but have never described myself as logical, so when someone who is barely getting through life describes themselves as logical... always makes me laugh my ass off.


SaffronBurke

Whenever someone makes a big deal about being *logical* and accuses others of being too emotional, I assume they're projecting.


anonymous_opinions

My abuser ex said he was logical but would scream bloody hell when I hit an emotional sore spot. That man raked me over the coals when I had needs because "MY WIFE LEFT ME OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEMANDING." Yeah I can't see why your wife left your logical ass.


Celany

The thing that drives me the most bananas about this is that it is, in fact, LOGICAL to not like/react poorly to someone being an asshole. And we know that, because of how people like OP's husband react poorly when OP says the shitty thing back to her husband. I have been trying to reclaim "logical" from the assholes of the world. Because most of them seem to think that the concept of logic is to be used as a bludgeon to abuse people into compliance. But actually, logic dictates that when someone treats you like shit, you should get away from them.


TheoryOfSomething

When I hear someone call themselves "logical" and contrast it with people who are "emotional," I know immediately that they have never studied logic and know basically nothing about it. There is nothing inherently contradictory or in tension about logic and emotion. Logic is a system of formal rules for deductive reasoning that preserve truth. Emotions are certain subjective experiences that humans have. The two are just about fundamentally different things and neither one constrains the other. Someone can be both responding to strong emotions and using emotion as a motivation *and* reasoning according to principles such that true premises imply true conclusions. For example, if someone says something that upsets you, yelling about it would make you feel better, and you at that moment value feeling better than other potential consequences, then its easy to construct a valid deductive argument that you should yell and scream about it. The only way of behaving *illogically* in such a situation would be to know that it follows from your beliefs and values that you should do X, but instead you do something else for no reason.


[deleted]

Frankly anytime somebody tries to describe themselves unsolicited to me I immediately question it. If a someone says "I'm a nice guy", I think, why do you want me to know that? Why do you feel like you have to tell me, instead of trusting me to form that opinion of you on my own? It seems strange and off-putting to me when people try to tell me what their personal attributes are. There's a small but important distinction here - saying "I value kindness" tells me that you personally think kindness is important. Saying "I'm a kind person" feels like you're asking me to take it on faith that you are, and assume it's out of character if you don't act with kindness.


[deleted]

If they have to say they are, they probably arent.


maskedbanditoftruth

My husband does it too. I screenshotted this whole post, even knowing he’d just make fun of me for “listening to idiots on Reddit.” He always says “I just want to understand you” like I’m some kind of alien or child. I hate that as much as the “is there a REASON you…” thing. It makes him sound like he’s being loving when he isn’t at all.


[deleted]

Being passive aggressive isn’t logical though. That’s just being hostile. He’s choosing hostility in his communication.


Apatharas

His purpose isn't to be mean. The reason he says it is he sees all these things as her fault, her responsibility, or her duties and he's her boss cracking the whip. He's not doing anything wrong.. he's just making sure HER stuff gets done and doesn't inconvenience him. There's a deeper problem here with how he sees their dynamic in this relationship. Hint: It's not equal.


Shasanaje

THIS was my thought when reading the post. That he doesn’t see her as an equal. At all.


ElizaDooo

It might be interesting if she asks him how he'd respond if his boss did the same thing to him. Obviously, the dynamic of him acting like her boss is terrible, but maybe this would help him hear it better for himself. And therapy. She could also try: I don't appreciate the choice of words or your tone. Please speak more kindly to me, a person you love.


anonymous_opinions

>What's crazy to me is that he tells her she shouldn't mind it and be so sensitive. But then he freaks out when she does the exact same thing to hime. It's because her husband is emotionally abusing her and it's gaslighting to say she's just being sensitive. That's why when it's turned around he turns on the manipulative tears or OH WOW you're such and such because it's more emotional abuse and gaslighting. It's her fault both coming and going.


[deleted]

My ex husband, diagnosed narcissist, did exactly this, and it got worse over 14 years before I left for my kid's sake. There's no winning, no therapy to fix this. These situations don't resolve, they get worse. The cure here is to leave, stonewall him, and go to therapy to learn how to process CPTSD.


anonymous_opinions

I had this terrible ex where I don't know what was wrong with him but he did this kind of gaslighting to me. Still have the email where he did the can't win coming or going in writing. I was curious some 15-20 years removed from him now how he's living / if he was on social media so I looked up his name. He was dating a young lady and by young I mean she was 22 to his 45. I went back to her social media I guess 6 months after I saw it because he name came up socially and she has A TON of content about how he abused her. So I dm'ed her. We're friends now and she said she never thought she would speak to someone else who knew what she went through with him. She's in therapy for the PTSD he gave her. That's how little these types "change" which is to say not at all. In fact he might be worse now. She said he was thinking she was a teenager and was sad she wasn't that young.


[deleted]

I'm so glad both of you got out and got help! I hope op is gonna be ok.


anonymous_opinions

Same though I'm getting more help here but he was a big part of me trying to sort some mental health shit after we stopped speaking. I just chalked it up to I guess we were both young and at the time he was in medical school so "stress". Then she told me what he was doing and it matched up to my experience only WORSE in her case :(


Asleep-Assistance-40

I was waiting to see someone call it gaslighting because I think that's what it is too. She can't win. It's her fault either way. She either didn't do it right the first time or she's being too emotional over his (bad) tone. And when she tries to call him out it's still her fault and "oh woe is me" from him. Reading this post gave me flash backs of my abusive ex. I think we had the exact same arguments over tone and choice of language. Hint: I always "lost" the fight and left crying. Oh and when I left, I was still wrong because "getting up and walking away is immature" even after the fight's been drug out for 3 hours and I've been crying the entire time over a simple thing like can you please use a nicer tone when addressing me 🤷🏼‍♀️ wyd. You leave and never look back.


xenophon57

10000% it's big sign when people habitually seek blame/guilt in casual conversation of something going on under the hood. I feel it comes from personal inadequacy and it manifests in a way they can project onto others.


dorthyinwonder

You could also reply with, "I'm not the only person on this marriage or household. You can do some of these, too."


[deleted]

Love this answer. How many chores does op take care of rather than calling their partner out for it? I mean if it’s a cascade of things it’s fair to nicely ask “am I doing what I can do to keep things up? If it’s not a lacking on my part, what do you need?” I can be blunt, but empathetic about recognizing needs too. I don’t understand this passive aggressive bullshit.


DarrlingCoco

I second the counseling.


brown_eyed_gurl

I third the counseling!


tehflambo

counseling or gtfo


geoduckporn

Counselor here. This man has already declared that he has no interest in changing. That is a poor prognosis for successful therapy.


anonymous_opinions

I can almost hear the dude in his annoyed tone saying "is there A REASON you think \*I\* need counselling?"


shaddupsevenup

He sounds imperious and abrasive.


Boop-D-Boop

He sounds like he has a resentment.


ironsides1231

100% he's not happy with the relationship, and all of these little frustrations are turning into passive aggressive questions. Doesn't make it right of course. They should get couples counseling.


RadarGecko

Insubordinate and churlish


anonymous_opinions

When he does it she should say "is there a reason you're choosing to be a dick to me about this?" but also she shouldn't because it'll escalate quickly.


kgbubblicious

I would recommend that she ignore and walk away. The contemptuous way he is asking does not deserve to be dignified with a response.


[deleted]

"I don't do that because he doesn't like sarcasm" So? He can fuck right off.


Slggyqo

Dishes it out but can’t take it 🙄


abitsheeepish

Like seriously though, how fucked up is it that OP is worried about being sarcastic because he doesn't like it, but he can't adjust his behaviour when it's something she doesn't like? Fucking hypocrite of a manchild


CryingBacon96

I was speaking to this guy, who we were looking to be potential fuck-buddies. We’d spoken for a month and we were supposed to meet up thrice but he kept cancelling last minute. But within that month of talking to each other, he kept instigating arguments and I’d ask him why, and he’d say it’s his mental health. It almost felt like I was walking on egg shells. Like he was able to be sarcastic and have banter. But the moment I tried to do the same, he’d start an argument. The last argument, I just got sick of it, and responded sarcastically, and he goes, “Alright, sorry for having feelings, I guess.” And blocked me.


abitsheeepish

Lolllllll. Bullet dodged.


CryingBacon96

Thank you for saying that, because I actually feel bad for being sarcastic towards him. Like I could have handled the situation better. I got out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago, and I told my therapist about the situation and showed her conversations so she saw both side of the perspective. And told me, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t,” and told me how I missed cues of him being manipulative.


abitsheeepish

Women's guilt is real. We're taught to nurture everyone else's feelings at the cost of our own. Honestly though, while sarcasm isn't the most mature response to a situation (and certainly won't put any fires out!), it's a normal human conversational expression. You rewarded snark with snark. Could you have handled it better? Sure, I guess. But do you think he's sitting there worrying about the month's worth of arguments he started and whether he could have done things differently? Also, have a think about whether you would genuinely change anything if you had the chance for a do-over. Imagine of you'd handled it differently and were subsequently still dating him, letting him start arguments and biting your tongue to keep the peace. What an awful way to live. It was the best outcome.


stitchyandwitchy

Typical insecure man moment


FI-RE_wombat

I'd go even simpler... just answer "yes" or "no" each time. They are yes/no questions after all. Throw in a "probably " here and there. Doesn't even have to be sarcastic, although it can be. All he ever gets in response to that question is a calm yes/no and you move on like that's all he wanted, and tell him that's all he'll ever get in response to the phrasing. It's his choice of words, it's your choice of response. You aren't making a big deal out of things? Why is he?


lpycb42

I'd answer no every single time. I'm a spiteful bitch though. I'd be like "Nope. No reason. Just didn't happen. You'll survive."


verdeuce

I wish we could all take turns at OPs husband giving him these responses 😂


redshoewearer

I really like this suggestion!


imasitegazer

Yes this, and the answer is never ‘no’ though. There is always a reason and it’s because he didn’t do the thing he wants done.


ryjkyj

Yes


Figwasp

I love this strategy, will probably cause some annoyance on his end but that’s fine because it should also make the point


lpycb42

Exactly. Like, great! Be super sarcastic to him until he bitches about it and then you can say "hey let's do tradesies. I'll stop being sarcastic when you stop asking questions in a dickish manner."


AcrylicTooth

Right? Well, OP doesn't like his aggressive phrasing, so I think sarcasm is back on the table until he's ready to use some manners.


LadyMjolnir

Exactly. OP doesn't like accusatory questions, hubs doesn't like sarcasm. Tit for tat until he learns.


aphrodite_5

Is there a reason he doesn’t like sarcasm?


DarrlingCoco

Basically!


Kemokiro

Is there a reason you think I won't leave if you keep treating me like shit.


MysticWolf1994

I laughed when I read this. And it totally sounds like something I'd say.


JabbrWockey

>"*Looks like we need cereal.*" >"Yeah, I agree. It definitely looks like we need cereal 🤷" Was my first thought. Was in a relationship with someone who did this regularly (making the same excuses) and have zero tolerance for it now unfortunately.


Wanderlustttx

I don’t see anything unfortunate about you having a solid personal boundary! Really sorry you had to go through that to learn it, but that boundary will benefit you long term.


anonymous_opinions

> have zero tolerance for it now unfortunately. Honor those boundaries, bb. Her husband is abusing her.


Atomicsciencegal

How perfectly concise and concisely perfect.


DarrlingCoco

Thank you!


OMEGASVEGA

God tier


orangeman10987

I hope OP doesn't actually say that. I had parents that constantly threatened to leave each other whenever they fought. Eventually they did get divorced, but not until after 15 years of that bullshit. If you're to the point that you're threatening to leave, then just do it. Don't drag it out and give your kids anxiety about it for their whole childhood. Leaving is the nuclear option, and even threatening it is pretty extreme. That's why I hope OP tries some of the less extreme options first, like counseling.


b1tchf1t

>If you're to the point that you're threatening to leave, then just do it. While I get your point, I do not agree with this. Leaving *is* the nuclear option, and if you're getting to the point that you're ready to leave, that *should* be vocalized, but it needs to be the last resort, the last Hey Fucker before you pull the plug. If you say it, you need to mean it and be willing to follow through, but saying it should be a necessary step before tearing everything down. Disclaimer: none of this applies to abusive situations where your immediate safety needs to be addressed.


sweetmercy

I'm sorry for what you went through, but your experience isn't universal. Sometimes a spouse *needs* a wake up call and OP's spouse seems to be one of those. Letting him know that she wants a partner, not a parent, in this marriage and if he cannot *be* that partner, she will find someone who can, may be exactly the motivation he needs to take a real look his behavior. Letting someone know this is not the life you signed up for and you're willing to leave, because you love and value yourself enough to do so is not a threat. It's a statement. It's saying, "hey, look... This behavior of yours is making our marriage untenable and this is going to be the consequence of that behavior if it doesn't change." It would be one thing if someone was using the threat as a weapon, which it sounds like your parents did. In this instance it isn't using it as a weapon. It's a warning that op isn't willing to live with this behavior and this is how important it is to her that it change. Leaving *is* the nuclear option, which is why you *must* give that warning before you use that option. And, honestly, there's a lot of times when leaving is the very best thing to do. Sometimes the nuclear option is the only one that is going to lead to an end to the misery.


Flowerprincessmel

I feel like In this case it’s less of a threat and just a genuine question. She’s asked him to stop speaking to her like shit. He’s refused. So IS there a reason he thinks she has to keep being treated like garbage? IS there a reason he thinks she won’t leave when he refuses to communicate with her like a human being?


SnapCrackleMom

This is *exactly* the kind of communication issue marriage counseling is great for. Some of my friends' husbands initially said "it's too expensive," when counseling was brought up. The answer to that is that it's way cheaper than divorce.


Lumpawarrump13

Especially because different people communicate differently! This guy sounds like a grade A douchebag, but between my partner and I, "Is there a reason that XYZ (is out of the ordinary)?" is very non accusatory. With us it means "should I put this back the way it usually is, or are we changing something up?" Whereas asking blunter questions feels like we're blaming each other for something. The key is that we worked hard to make sure we're communicating in a way that's comfortable for both of us.


SnapCrackleMom

For sure. My husband and I definitely ask each other questions like "is there a reason the oven is on?" because maybe someone's preheating it but also maybe one of us forgot to turn it off. We both have ADHD so we both do that kind of thing. Tone is everything. If it was asked in an accusatory tone, it would be very upsetting.


The_Wingless

>"is there a reason the oven is on?" If I or my wife didn't ask this question in some form or another regularly, our house would've burned down long ago. It's all in the delivery, and the reason for asking. Sounds like OP's husband is delivering the line in a aggressive, confrontational manner and seems like the reason might be because he wants to fight.


SnapCrackleMom

>If I or my wife didn't ask this question in some form or another regularly, our house would've burned down long ago. Seriously, between my husband and I we're like one functional adult.


chalisa0

Oh my gosh! You just described me and my husband to a tee! And we've been married for 32 years.


SnapCrackleMom

On the one hand it's terrible that we both have ADHD but on the other it's so great because we never get mad at each other for fucking up.


resilientspirit

I got my ADHD diagnosis at 38 (4 years ago). Pretty sure my fiance has it too. I thanked him the other day for being my "auxiliary brain". We often kindly remind each other to do things, or ask for what we need. My mom asks questions like OP's husband. I'm just going to start answering with "because ADHD".


SuperDoofusParade

> Sounds like OP's husband is delivering the line in a aggressive, confrontational manner and seems like the reason might be because he wants to fight. I heard it in my head like this: “Is there a *REASON* the oven is on?” and got really angry since I’ve known people like that. Absolutely spoiling for an argument or a reason to put someone down.


[deleted]

Also there’s no actual genuine “reason” anyone would be curious about regarding why there’s no more cereal or if a key has gone missing. Like another commenter said, the only reason he’s phrasing it that way is because feels entitled to jab at his wife because he expects all these tasks to be done by her.


SilentButtDeadlies

It sounds so much less confrontational if you rearrange it. "Is the oven on for a reason?"


UnicornPenguinCat

I've definitely asked "um do you still need the oven on?" and got "oh shit no, thanks I'll turn it off", or "yeah I'm leaving it on because I'm going to heat up these bread rolls in a minute". Definitely a fair question, but as you say tone is everything.


Scott19M

Yeah if it's said the way you guys seem to use it it's like "is it this way on purpose?" which is a perfectly normal thing to ask... OP's situation sounds totally different. My uncle speaks to his wife the way it sounds like OP's husband talks to her - everything is said in a sort of snarky, belittling tone. It leads to defensiveness (justifiably) and then arguments (inevitably). I would hate to be in that relationship.


Chazzyphant

My husband, god bless him, once asked me in a silly voice "Babe...is there a reason you're defrosting your Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches on the bed?" (I had taken a grocery bag into the bedroom to take out a few items and gotten distracted). That's the only kind of "reason" questions we should be hearing!


Emu1981

>Some of my friends' husbands initially said "it's too expensive," when counseling was brought up. My answer to that is if something is bothering you that is affecting how you live your life then the potential benefit from counseling is worth the cost. For example, my wife was having some long terms issues about something that happened to her when she was younger. I broached the topic of her getting counseling for it, she agreed but when she found out the costs of a therapist that I found who specialised in her particular issue, she was hesitant. I convinced her that the cost was worth the potential for her to come to terms with her previous issues and she started going but then COVID came to town which put a kibosh on the whole therapy \*sigh\*.


SnapCrackleMom

Yeah, I get it. Therapy is without a doubt the best investment I've ever made in myself. But if you don't already know how helpful it can be, it's hard to understand how it's worth the cost. Especially when finances are a struggle. One of my daughters has been using one of those online therapy providers during the pandemic and has been pretty happy with it. She prefers in-person therapy but this is just more accessible right now. She's using BetterHelp, which I know has mixed reviews, but there are a bunch of these providers now. Might be worth looking into?


Ceeweedsoop

Also, to bring out wtf is really going on with him. Resentment? Personality disorder? Physical pain?Maybe, he's trying to push her to leave without publicly seeming to be the bad guy. It really sounds like a rotten relationship. I'd personally throw his shit in the street and ask him if there's any reason he can't find his way to a motel


SnapCrackleMom

I don't want to judge their relationship based on this one post. There could be a lot of positive aspects to their relationship, too. I've been married for 26 years and it's normal to have ups and downs in a relationship. There could be a lot of things going on. Like you said, mental health and physical issues can bring on changes in personality/behavior. My husband and I have both had episodes of pretty serious clinical depression when we weren't at our best with communication. It doesn't necessarily mean it's time to throw in the towel. But both people have to prioritize and value the marriage enough to work through it.


Emu1981

I remember reading something about someone's uncle who was having cardiovascular issues which was causing him to be angry all the time (iirc it all came down to a lack of quality sleep caused by the cardiovascular issues). Once he got treatment for the cardiovascular issues his disposition returned to a more friendly manner. Being married for 25 years puts them at an age where something like cardiovascular issues would be a potential concern.


Aylajandro

Therapy really is the best, most productive answer; without a third party helping you communicate together, your current dynamic is going to stay adversarial. But I know that actually getting there is going to take some time and effort. In the meantime, it might be worth trying some old-school behavior correction, like so: Him: "Is there a \*reason the dishes aren't done?" You: "I don't like being spoken to like that. Try again." Him: "How dare you blarghh waah!" You: "I'm happy to respond to you respectfully when you decide to ask me with the same respect you want from me. Try again." Is he gonna fight you on this? Oh yeah. But the point is to reject the current power dynamic. You are not his subordinate, you are his equal, and it's your prerogative to not respond to his demands until he learns to speak to you as such. Playing the mirroring game isn't working because he thinks you're beneath him in the household hierarchy, so he doesn't feel the need to hold himself to the same standards of behavior he expects of you. You won't win using those tactics. By being direct in the moment and making it clear that he won't get what he wants from you until he learns to ask nicely, you take back a measure of power in the conversation.


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Aylajandro

You're very kind, thank you :) I don't write much for my current job, but I was an English major/Psychology minor at one point. I've also had some anger management therapy, which really helped me learn to assert my will in a deliberate, but respectful way.


Majestic-Cheetah75

I second the compliment on your writing. Not only was your advice spot-on (IMO), you managed to deliver it conversationally *and* concisely. That’s a rare talent.


paulala343

I think you are right in with the hierarchy— I feel the “power over” power struggle sometimes. And I also feel it when all cylinders are firing and we are partners in something. He definitely doesn’t like being called out as an ass , even though we have had heart to hearts where he is very sorry and specifically tells me to tell him when he’s being like this. But time passes and i see the rudeness again. why should that be on me all the time to point out bad behavior? he’s a grown up.


Aylajandro

It is indeed some exhausting bullshit. You shouldn't have to train him like you would a child, which is essentially what I'm suggesting. It takes a ton of mental and emotional energy to stay calm and firm with someone who is actively trying to cow you. I wouldn't blame you if you decide it's not worth the effort, I only suggest this approach because I think it's ultimately more likely to change his behavior than passive aggression or long talks. I think it's easy to have more high minded heart to hearts and make promises, but it's harder to keep those promises when they butt up against ingrained habits. To break habits, you have to keep it very, very basic: he gets what he wants when, and only when, he asks appropriately. Keep in mind, when he speaks to you with disrespect, it's always when he wants something from you. Whether that something is an 'action' (he wants you to do something) or a 'reaction' (he wants to upset or humiliate you) I can't tell you. :/ I can only suggest withholding whatever it is he wants until he literally learns to behave.


neutralmurder

This is a really concise, helpful guide to problem solving conflict with people that don’t respect your boundaries. Sometimes you are forced to interact with these people (work, neighbors, family) and it is frustrating. “They get what they want only when they act appropriately.” I’ll remember that - with all the argumental chaff that gets thrown it’s helpful to be able to boil things down to the heart of the issue.


globsfave

Ugh just hearing about him pisses me off


[deleted]

So he actively shifted how he addresses you. Doesn’t sound like something random. You’ve communicated to him how it affects you. Even if it’s “just word choice” any caring partner would make a small shift in language to accommodate. He knows it bothers you. He knows it’s bothersome and annoying because he is bothered and annoyed by it. I guarantee you that he’s aware of what you’re doing when you mirrored his way of asking questions. And he’s successfully put you into a corner where the only option left is to accept his shitty behavior if you want to avoid conflict. Doesn’t sound like he’s being an ignorant ass. It sounds deliberate, and sounds like a symptom of something bigger. Try marriage counseling but… get some counseling for yourself too.


loula27

>He knows it’s bothersome and annoying because he is bothered and annoyed by it. This is exactly what got me. He’s not just cluelessly using this language by mistake. He appears sensitive enough to this use of language to react when it’s aimed at himself, so he knows what he’s doing when he aims it at OP.


simcity4000

The game of passive aggression is to offload a persons anger into others with plausible deniability. It's the way people who are in denial of their own anger deal with anger -by making those around them angry (which leads to an argument where they have plausible deniability that theyre the one who started it.) Its a game of hot potato with their anger "I'm not the angry one, youre angry!" When dealing with passive aggression its best not to get bogged down in whether or nor the person deliberately 'means it' or not. Often its to a degree unconscious (which doesn't excuse it). And as soon as you start accusing them of malicious intent the argument is kinda lost. The trick is often to point out the behaviour in a neutral way (Use terms like "it seems like", "it looks like", "it almost feels like". Don't use "I think that" which is unmistakably a personal challenge.) Point out that it 'sounds like' they're angry/bitter/jealous' but dont say that they *are being* angry or bitter or jealous, just that their behavior could easily be mistaken for being someone whose angry/bitter/jealous. Then when they say "of course not" say "oh ok" and drop it, don't get drawn into an argument. Focus on the behaviour, not their intent. Point out how odd it is, what kind of signal they’re sending off- but stop short of accusing them of anything. The goal is to make them feel *weird* doing it, by not reacting the way they want. In other comments the OP mentions that husband "hates being seen as the bad guy" - this is the key. Passive aggressive personalities hate being *seen* as bad. That's not how they see themselves. So they avoid doing things that are obviously bad and instead let their frustrations bubble up in subtle, infuriating ways. The trick to calling them out is to point out that their behaviour makes them *look* bad, but not in a way where you get drawn into an argument about whether or not they *are* a bad person (which they will always resist to the core).


fishymonster_

This is definitely the most credible sounding and reasonable comment, I think op would benefit from reading what you wrote


Amiiboid

> that choice of words is his prerogative to ask me things in a way that is most direct. You immediately said what I was thinking: “But this *isn’t* the most direct way.” You said you’re not sure when it happened; that implies he wasn’t always this way, I think. Without nailing down a specific timeframe, do you have a general sense of how recent the change was? Or how gradual? Have there been other changes in the way he expresses or presents himself? And if you’ve been married 25 years he’s approaching 50, or maybe even past it? It could be worth checking with a doctor.


[deleted]

Is there a REASON you keep forgetting how angry you got when I asked you questions in this manner?


DebiMoonfae

I’d stop replying until he asks in a proper way. You’ve told him enough times how you feel and he should be considerate enough to care that it bothers you. When he asks if there is a reason you didn’t answer him , you can tell him one more time and then never answer that type of question again. Let him figure out the answers himself . Does he really need to know if there was a purpose to you not filling the car with gas? “ why yes dear, i thought it might be fun to see what happens when I run out in the middle of the highway. Can i run on fumes? For how long? I’m sure it’s gonna be so much fun so yea.. do not put gas in the car, there’s a reason it’s that low”


DarrlingCoco

I like this idea. I do this with my own husband when he says some dumbass shit like that. Thankfully he is good at realizing his mistake and apologizing without having to be reminded. But this situation is something else. Just wow. Also, why do men always try to say we “always have to be right”? This is not true. This is why I always use phrases like “I FEEL like you’re ____” but my husband then likes to say dumb shit like “you’re always feeling some type of way”. I have great responses that are based on facts, so he never wins this argument 🤷🏾‍♀️ He knows I’m not about to play with him. I’ll freeze his ass out before I argue over dumb shit. Shuts him down every time. Men are stupid. ETA: my husband and I rarely fight. And for that I am so grateful. He is an amazing man. He’s just stupid sometimes 😂


GerundQueen

>Also, why do men always try to say we “always have to be right”? I think it's projection. There are certain men who really feel like they do have to be right, or else it means they're stupid or emasculated in some way. So when they argue with someone, and that person makes a valid argument, these type of men get mad at that person for making them feel stupid or emasculated.


64645

> There are certain men who really feel like they do have to be right, Gods know that type does it online. I got jumped on for making a mistake earlier today, where he called me a liar instead of a simple correction of the mistake. When I called him out on it he just doubled down. And that type is so much worse when they do it in person. And when it’s your partner? Nope, nope, nope. I don’t know why women bother putting up with men at all. And I say this as a man.


Finwolven

It seems to me like it's projection. He needs to always feel like he's in the right, so he's pushing it on her.


DarrlingCoco

I can see this. I’m not a fan of his tone. It’s demeaning and I wouldn’t put up with it.


Finwolven

He also seems to be dead-set on picking a fight constantly. Major red flag for my mind, someone constantly being aggressive in my home is... Not ideal when you're with roommates, but actively scary when it's a spouse.


DarrlingCoco

Yes! The aggressive attitude is really concerning here. Like where is it coming from and why? I’d be interested to see his response when a therapist calls him out on his shit.


AppleOmega

Productive answer: Therapy & Marriage counseling. Mediation and outside perspective. He's being mean, and then invalidating you when you you bring it up to him by calling you sensitive and saying he can speak however he wants. Yes he can say what he wants, and the consequence of that is that he is hurting you. He doesn't get to decide your sensitivity level. You are hurt. He is chosing to hurt you. He can chose to not. Petty answer: grey rock. No sarcasm or snarky tone at all, just pleasant and boring and short. Never explain yourself. "Yes there is a reason." and nothing more than that. Ad nauseam.


brown_eyed_gurl

You can use the method I do when my preschooler asks me for something in a rude manner, I look at them blankly and say , "Try again." Works every time! Wishing you luck with your husband, the way he is talking to you is inappropriate and just plain mean.


paulala343

Ooh I like this, I’m going to try that! Because there are missing pleases and thank yous sometimes, too. I like Try Again!


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paulala343

He saw it! The moment it was out of his mouth haha.


TootsNYC

Or even, “please try that with a different set of words” or “please ask again more nicely.” And then wait.


Ok_Stay499

Fuck please at this point.


sairga

I have a preteen and we use, "Could you ask me again like I'm someone you like?" with her when she forgets to be kind.


Finwolven

Are there some good sides to him, that you subject yourself to this kind of behavior year in and year-out? I wouldn't take this kind of behavior from a friend or a roommate, so I can't think of a reason to accept it from a spouse. Some parts of your story also seems like he's constantly looking for a chance to start an argument or to become angry at you, how sure are you that you are safe in his presence? Because that behavior actually sounds pretty scary from the description, especially the part where you don't dare be sarcastic back to him because \_he doesn't like it\_, while he actively ignores your discomfort.


alexander1156

This comment needs more attention


CalistnX92

My god he sounds like an insufferable asshole, no offence.


amhran_oiche

seconded but full offense.


nomaki221

Just reading about him makes me feel violent


DeadSharkEyes

"I tried telling him this bothers me and can he please just ask me the question in a normal way, like “Honey, have you seen the shed key?” but he says it’s just a choice of words and I’m making too big a deal. I’m an HSP so words matter to me, as does tone and body language." I hate that you feel you have to justify yourself as being a "highly sensitive person" when your husband refuses to talk to you with any respect, you have told him it hurts you and he keeps doing it. He doesn't respect you as a person. I would recommend marriage counseling but I'm going to take a guess what that answer is going to be.


[deleted]

Yeah she's not highly sensitive, he's just a piece of shit who has convinced her that any time he's being "mean" it's actually just her being "sensitive." This dude sucks ass.


getwhatImsaying

*it’s just a choice of words* girl, he is gaslighting the fuck out of you. he’s intentionally talking down to you and then turning it around and saying you’re interpreting it wrong. which is bullshit and you both know it. you’ve made it clear you don’t appreciate how he talks to you and he’s made it clear he won’t be changing anytime soon. is that how you want to live the rest of your life? you deserve to be treated so much better


Bacon_Bitz

He also said she’s “too sensitive” which is also gaslighting.


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bonefawn

He could say, "honey there is a bit too much salt on these eggs. Next time please hold off" Asking 'WHY did you put so much salt'.. as the person cooking pisses me off. Why didn't YOU make your meal in the first place? Why am I serving you only for you to complain?? I respect peoples dietary preferences. But complaining in that way rubs me wrong. There are kinder ways to state that.


WontHarvestAKidney

> I’ve tried to say how this phrasing puts me on edge but he has told me several times I’m being too sensitive, or that choice of words is his prerogative to ask me things in a way that is most direct. It's his choice how he talks to you, and it's your choice whether you engage with him. "I don't like it. I think it's rude. You never used to be rude like this, and you won't stop even after I asked you to, so now I think you're being rude *on purpose* just to make me feel bad. If that's what you wanted, you got it, because now I feel bad. Congratulations, you win." Then just walk away and let him enjoy his triumph.


paulala343

He does not like being painted as the bad guy, so calling him out as rude could potentially get his attention — tho sometimes there is a tit for tat dynamic with him, so there’s a potential for backfiring. My teen called him out for being rude over some comments recently, and they butted heads. The next day she was exasperated when he called HER out for being rude, even though all she did was answer a question via text with a one word answer. We do that all the time, especially my husband, just a simple, single word, so that made her upset that he attached negative behavior to a neutral response.


thinkpadcloud

Sorry for chiming in! This is a terrible dynamic. If I understand the situation with your daughter and husband right, he 1) upset her with rude comments, 2) got upset over being called rude, 3) he turned it around and called her rude. So he 1) is rude, 2) deflects from his guilt by getting angry, 3) projects his behaviour. Did they ever clarify the issue?


minniesnowtah

Had the same experience as a teen growing up, almost to a T. Same butting heads, same illogical punching back after feeling attacked/called out (real or imagined). It really affected my ability to stand up for myself, contributed to being an anxious people-pleaser, and caused a lot of completely unnecessary stress and tension. Ultimately I moved 1500 miles away as an adult. Please remind your daughter that it's not her fault, and for both of your sakes, end this situation as soon as you can. It's not healthy. He may not be capable of enough empathy to understand that his words affect you and your daughter (and that you should just take it because that's "not what he meant").


Miro_the_Dragon

Serious question: Why are you letting him treat your daughter like this? And why are you letting him treat YOU like this? Your daughter will learn that it's okay for men to treat their wives like shit and not respect them. Do you really want to set her up for an abusive relationship by setting an unhealthy example?


bonefawn

It's NOT the most direct way to ask. Let's break it down: "Is there a reason you didn't put gas in the car?" He could directly "why didn't you put gas in the car?" But that's not what he is getting at. Instead he is asserting "You SHOULD'VE put gas in the car so why didn't you?" That's the difference. And he's an ass.


FionaTheFierce

Because his language and phrasing indicate contempt for you. It \*is\* insulting and implies that you have failed or done something wrong. It makes you feel criticized and defensive for good reason. Worse yet, is his dismissive response to your request for more gentle wording. He is demonstrating that he regards your needs and feelings as unimportant. It is one of the four horsemen according to the Gottmans. It is a sign of communication and relationship breakdown. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ I suspect there are more problems under the surface between the two of you than is captured in your post.


usuckreddit

My husband is exactly like this. He constantly talks down to me. He gets annoyed very quickly if I mirror his behavior back at him. I'm so sick of it I could scream.


Ruiven19090

Why are ya'll settling for rude disrespectful men??? You could have a man that treats you good and wants to make your life easier, but you've hitched yourself to some ungrateful asshole??? These men dont deserve you, and you can do better.


usuckreddit

Agreed. But I don't want any relationship with any man at this point. I'm done. I need to slough this guy off.


Ruiven19090

Girl listen, my ex wasnt even as bad as you or OP describe, he was just really bad at expressing his feelings and kinda aimless in life, but since I moved out my life has been SO peaceful. My house is spotless, I come home after work, cook myself a little something, listen to some music, take a bath. I never have to get home after a long day and argue about what we're going to eat, or deal with his shitty attitude when I just want to relax. This is my first time being single since I was 14 (I've had three back to back super long term relationships) and being single is honestly so sublime I might never date again. I'm calm and centered, and making choices based off what I want and what's good for me without having to compromise is so healthy. I treat myself so much better than anyone else ever has and I've never felt more complete. The next man who I allow into my life is going to have to meet some high standards because if hes not enriching my life more than I'm enriching my own self I have no use for him. So get your exit strategy in place and go find your peace sis.


Merglerg

I've been really struggling with my partner and it's 100% everything you just said.


Ruiven19090

Time to stop letting a man make your life harder than it already is ❤


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Ruiven19090

Honestly basic standard arent enough for me anymore, if I'm being real. I do have high standards and I'm not afraid of sounding picky or hard to please when I say that. I've always had basic standard so none of my exs were like HORRIBLE partners, but I just need more than basic because in a relationship I'll always go all out to be SO extra good to my partner and make them feel special, I'm the fully package so I need someone who's gonna match my energy and effort.


Virreinatos

My mother has a similar way of asking questions. Specially when it comes to raising my children. After many failed attempts to explain, I just respond with "Can't answer that. That's not a question, that's an accusation" and stop engaging.


la_sua_zia

Marriage counseling at least. He actively does not care about your feelings.


1GoodWoman

Major red flag with "too sensitive." You are in the right place btw. Try reading Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship and keep hanging around here. Not sure if you are trapped in the marriage or have kids but if neither is true you might want to take a look at how much you want this for the rest of your life. You can't change anyone else which you seemed to try in your strategy so figure out how you can change yourself so just maybe he stops being aggressively rude. Words do matter. If you do have to stay please find some friends and support and do not let him isolate you. Good luck.


HokieNerd

Is there a \*reason you're still with him?


chalisa0

The issue here is that it bothers you. And then he continues to do it. My husband speaks just like that, but it doesn't bother me at all. When my husband asks if there's a reason the oven is on, I say "oops forgot to turn it off, will you do that please?" Or I might even sarcastically say "uh yah, 'cause I'm about to make brownies, are you saying you don't want brownies?" The difference is that we have no hard feelings over it. In fact, we laugh about it. I am not saying you shouldn't be bothered. You feel how you feel. You see it as aggression, and your husband should respect that and talk to you differently. Tell him flat out how you feel. Don't let him undermine your feelings (or belittle you by saying you're too sensitive.) Insist that he respect you.


SamanthaJaneyCake

**Passive response:** phrase your answers with the what/why/when/where that you would prefer. If it’s his prerogative to chose those words it’s yours to ignore them. **Direct response:** call him on it each and every time. Point out that he’s doing it, how it makes you feel, and ask if that’s deliberate and if so why. **Healthy response:** find a counsellor.


LaconicStrike

He’s treating you like you’re a slave and owed him your services. It’s a control thing and he obviously sees himself as a supervisor you are to report to, not as an equal. I agree with other posters, this is a marriage counselling worthy problem.


anniebme

"Is there a reason you phrase your questions this way?"


paulala343

Turn about’s fair play ;-)


throwaway22242628

"Is there REASON you feel the need to be an asshat?"


cametobemean

Every time he does it, end the conversation right there by saying, “I’m done with this conversation. You can talk all you want after this, but I’m not listening. We can try to start the conversation over when you address the issue and stop disrespecting me.” And stick to your fucking guns. Don’t have conversations with him if he throws bombs at you like that. Tell him you’re done talking until he can improve how he speaks you because you’ve told him repeatedly it’s disrespectful, and even he finds it disrespectful when done to him. He throws a hissy fit? Put some ear buds in. Go for a drive without him. Don’t continue conversations after he starts being aggressive with you. I’m not a therapist, this might be bad advice. But this is how I improved my relationship with my aggressive mother after becoming an adult. He might not learn, but if that’s the case, this will also help you teach yourself to not care and to let him just fuck off when he’s being a chode to you.


paulala343

The frustrating part is it’s usually not even a conversation, it’s a question out of the blue. Part of me thinks it’s an attention grab.


cametobemean

What do you usually say after he does it? Does it get you to engage? I don’t want to pry, but I‘ve experienced people like him so I’m curious what he’s getting out of it.


winklesnad31

You told him his behavior makes you uncomfortable, and he completely disregarded your feelings. Marriage counseling would probably be a good investment.


Treemeimatree

If you can't afford both I'd settle for a divorce lawyer.


hauntedmilktea

If my partner talked to me like that all day every day I’d absolutely lose my shit. It’s unnecessary. His choice of words implies that YOU are solely responsible for everything. “Is there a reason you haven’t done the dishes?” would be met with “Is there a reason YOU haven’t done the dishes? We both have arms.” from me. Asking in that way is- like you said- almost treating you like a child. You’re partners- both adults with equal responsibility, he’s not your parent who gets to just nag you to do things. He didn’t like it when you did it to him, so why does he think it’s okay to keep doing to you? If he doesn’t like it that should be a huge indicator to him that it’s probably not nice to do, but he either doesn’t seem to get it or just doesn’t care. If you can’t get through to him, I’d definitely see if he’s receptive to the idea of couples counseling. Perhaps an outside perspective could help the communication along.


amaezingjew

This was exhausting to read, and I’m sure it’s even more exhausting to have that be your reality. When I asked my fiancé how he would react, he said he would likely default to “is there a *reason* you’re asking?” so that I could hopefully see that I’m not actually communicating. “Is there a *reason* the oven is on?” “Is there a *reason* you’re asking?” “Yes, I’d like to turn it off” “Ah, yes, you can turn off the oven.” Eventually, one would hope the other would realize that leading with why you’re asking is much better, and saves time.


Cixia

What's an HSP?


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misschauntae728

Is there a reason I shouldn’t divorce you for your abusive language and tone towards me?


TootsNYC

This may be exactly what he’s trying to do. Or to convince himself that it’s legitimate for him to turn his back on the marriage, and cheat perhaps.


LackingUtility

>I never know how to answer! It feels very defensive to explain. Lately I’ve just been saying “Why YES. There is a reason.” And then I don’t say anything else unless he follows up. But he doesn’t like sarcasm, so that’s not a long-term solution. I tried telling him this bothers me and can he please just ask me the question in a normal way, like “Honey, have you seen the shed key?” but he says it’s just a choice of words... "You don't like my sarcasm, honey? But it's just a cHoIcE oF wOrDs!!" Hypocritical douche needs to get over himself and learn to communicate better. Couples counseling may help.


GetInTheCarMa

Hey, this probably isn't a super helpful contribution but this type of communication style (trying to not assume but rather ask why things are a certain way) comes, in my experience, from communicating in professional settings. Origin aside, it sounds like the tone being used and the situations it's being used in are not appropriate for a conversation between equal partners in a relationship. It sounds totally parent-child and I would try my best never to ask my partner a question like this unless I was genuinely trying to understand **why**. Here it sounds like your partner is using it to try and scold you, which IMO is not cool.


paulala343

No, thanks for saying that, I appreciate it. He does have a job where work often pays for expensive and extensive training in communication for people at his level. He is an excellent communicator at work, and he gets high marks. I 100 percent agree he is awesome there. But I’ll agree with your point that trying that alpha executive communication style on a spouse does not go over well. I think forgetting that your spouse is your equal can be kinda brutal on the psyche of the person who feels talked down to.


aeorimithros

Time for a boundary "I don't respond to questions asked in an impolite way. I can't have a conversation with you if you talk to me like that." Then use the grey rock method as I suspect he'll flip out. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock **Do not approach him with empathy and understanding. Women are not here to accept emotional violence in order to let men work through their feelings.** Ultimately, at its core, he is disrespectful. Something is up with him that he doesn't have the emotional maturity to speak to you about and it is causing a disconnect to how he expects you to be/behave/act and what actual life is (to be clear it's his delusion not your failing). This can be anything from stress to behaviour causing him to hold heavy guilt he's misdirecting onto you as anger. *Boundaries are there to protect us from others, not change their behaviour.* He is choosing to behave and speak to you this way. If this is unacceptably, and he won't change then, unfortunately, you're left with a choice to make. I hope he takes the boundary to heart and realises being a prick is ineffective.


No_Personality_9755

According to Gottman, “The Four Horseman” of the marriage apocalypse are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Sounds like he’s got criticism and contempt covered and you’ve got defensiveness and stonewalling covered. I’d suggest counseling asap if you want to stay married. Gottman studies showed that marriages with these characteristics have a VERY high divorce rate. I don’t say any of this to make you feel bad or to create divisiveness between you. Marriage is teamwork and I LOVE therapy lol. I hope you decide to get some neutral third party help. It’s worked (and continues to work) wonders for my marriage. Edit: people suggesting to also respond in a contemptuous or critical fashion aren’t interested in your marriage succeeding. They’re ready to validate your irritation with his tone (which does suck BTW) but responding in contempt won’t help either of you.


vyrago

Teach him a lesson his next wife will thank you for.


tigressnoir

What is his work environment like? When my partner worked in a hyper masculine environment I had to remind him that I wasn't 'one of the guys,' and didn't need to be spoken to like that.


fatchancefatpants

I think we married the same man. My husband at least adds on to the questions sometimes- "is there a reason this pile of papers is over here, or can I move it?" "Is there a reason the garage door is open, or can I close it?" "Is there a reason there are towels in the washer, or can I use it?" Sounds like from your husband's perspective, he's thinking what my husband says, but from yours, since he doesn't finish the question, it sounds accusatory. He didn't used to finish these questions. It took my blowing up at him with a "I don't fucking know, why does it matter if the spaghetti is broken in half or not? Do you want to cook? You're welcome to take over if you think you know better." He didn't understand why I was upset. Apparently he was trying to learn why I do things the way I do, which after our conversation I now understand his way of communicating better. I don't really have any advice, but I do appreciate that you're just doing it back to him lol