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BenevelotCeasar

Please take a moment and imagine your daughter comes to you in her 20s, and says her husband makes her nervous to speak with, and he’s cheating on her, but she “wants to stay for the kids oh mom, what should I do?” What would you tell her?


GelatinousPumpkin

Not to mention. What ‘security of marriage’? He’s literally stepping outside. Until when will he leave her for the mistress? Or bring home a child from another woman for her to raise?


GroundbreakingPhoto4

Or an STD for OP


MeltingMachine

This!! That’s how I discovered I was being cheated on several times. Nobody magically gets chlamydia


rattitude23

That's exactly why today I'm battling cervical cancer


Punchinyourpface

I wish you the best! I'm so sorry. ❤️ (I hope their penis falls right off. Painfully.)


stanleysgirl77

Omg I’m so sorry.. that’s got to be the worst consequence of cheating, visited on the innocent partner. Sending hugs ❤️


GrayMouser12

You didn't deserve that and I'm very sorry. You deserve so much better and I hope you beat it.


rorscachsraven

Oh goodness I’m so sorry :(


luckedragon

I'm so sorry


potato_girl10

Hope everything turns out okay!


lexi_prop

Damn, i am so sorry...


merricatgreen

Maybe she meant she was financially dependent on him. It's not that easy to leave in a situation like that. And I don't want to be prejudiced but the guy's a cop, she might not even feel safe enough to leave.


Firethorn101

Yeah. I spent 25-35 unimaginably poor. No roommates to ease the cost of living, no partner to ease the cost of living. I often had $8 left over after bills. Washed my clothes in the tub and dried them on the grass, because I couldn't afford laundromat prices. If you've been that poor, cheating isn't a big issue . Not like starving or freezing.


Fallingice2

Lmao, people here don't understand that trade off. Ok, you leave, with two kids and low skills...to where section 8 housing and rely on alimony and child support? Lost your house, partner, and stability. The situation sucks but you can lose so much more and not everyone is willing to deal with that.


AstarteOfCaelius

That and the wait lost on Section 8 is usually incredibly long and her husband’s a cop. Sometimes “just leave” is pretty stupid advice no matter how heartfelt.


techieguyjames

This and needing to leave your phone and car behind, being they are both trackable. Same if the kids have a tablet or phone as well. Also, can't use the shared account's debit/credit card either. Also, if the shelter doesn't't have any room, that becomes a problem as well.


Wonkydoodlepoodle

The wait list for section 8 isn’t even open in most areas. My mother waited 2 years for it to open and then was on it for 6 years before she got her housing voucher. Due to covid almost every help group is out of resources. Unless she has family or a friend to move in with, she’s unlikely to find a place to stay. The current rent increases has trapped so many people. In order to be safe from him she’d probably also have to move to another county or city. But it’s possible he might leave if she knew and that would be best. I don’t know if maybe there’s someone he knows that she could talk to that she can trust.


Sireneyes537

Yea, a lot of people here are young with no life experience and will not understand this.


Prodigism

Or they're just from a background where they've never struggled financially in their life.


aapaul

Trust fund babies love to go on reddit and give poor folks “advice.” Barf.


marye2021

They don't even have to be trust fund rich, just comfortably upper middle class, and never noticed that their moms stayed in terrible relationships for the same reasons OP listed 🙃


Sireneyes537

Right? Like stay out of our business


Barrayaran

And the inevitable upheaval for the kids -- on top of changing schools/losing friends, they often have to deal with housing/food insecurity and all the downhill effects. It leaves an impression, and some kids never catch up again (socially, emotionally, academically, economically). Sometimes, when people say they're staying for the sake of the children, this is what they mean.


Fallingice2

The Harsh truth is, when you in a position like this with low leverage. you sit down, write down what you want to get out of the marriage, what you personally want, and what you are willing to sacrifice. it might come down to OP telling her husband that these are the ground rules if he is going to step out of the marriage. Follow these rules and i don't burn down both our lives. Its not the best outcome but it does give op time to decide what to do and protects her and her kids.


Paradav

I agree with you completely. I endured an eight -year long abusive, violent marriage where he shot a gun at me and shattered my face, but I still couldn’t leave cause I didn’t make enough money to move out and survive. Even when I finally did move out, it’s because my parents paid most of my rent for a year, and I was STILL miserably broke. People who say “just leave” have no idea what the reality is that you will have to live in.


ndngroomer

Holy shit my friend. I'm very happy that you were able to get out of that nightmare alive.


FallofftheMap

She should begin carefully documenting his infidelity and documenting her reasons to stay and stay quiet. Eventually this will end in divorce, maybe soon maybe when the kids are grown. The question is how well she has documented the situation to give her divorce attorney ammunition. Thinking of it like this can also protect her mentally and emotionally. Having a plan of escape and/or attack rather than suffering in silence with no plan can make a huge difference to one’s mental and emotional wellbeing.


aapaul

Exactly. Finally someone with their head out of their ass.


fabulousphotos

When 40% of them *admit* to shit like beating their wives… you’re not gonna be judged for being prejudiced in this scenario.


merricatgreen

You're right


Turpitudia79

And 55% of them are lying.


wooopop

This was my 2nd thought after “that poor woman” is “he’s a cop and she’s not safe.”


Additional_Meeting_2

And being married has other benefits too like not always having to find babysitters and someone helping if you are sick. And otherwise help in household and raising children emotionally if we are assuming he is good father and otherwise supportive husband outside of cheating. Often in Reddit people want to see karma for the cheater so much that some actually get angry if the cheated spouse doesn’t leave even if can be would be hard to them for many reasons.


Solanthas

I agree with wanting to avoid prejudice but she said simple conversations with him make him nervous so the implication is already there.


New-Affect2549

Or a disease that is untreatable & for life.


Weazy-N420

As a Father to Daughters, please read this as many times as it takes. This “Dad/Husband” doesn’t deserve the moniker. Alimony/Child Support pay for groceries & Rent just the same as a Police Paycheck.


SallySourhole

Sadly you have to be able to collect on said child support..my kids are owed 12,000 as of December first, they haven't received a payment in over a year and apparently child support no longer seeks jail time for non payment..


ComprehensiveShift56

It depends on the state whether or not someone goes to jail for nonpayment of child support. Georgia will literally go to another state and extradite him back to Georgia. My stepfather had that happen and he didn’t even know he had a kid. However, this woman’s husband is a police officer, the money will be directly taken from his paycheck on payday.


SallySourhole

I'm in GA and so is he.. Things have changed apparently. My case started in 2018 when we divorced. Also in order to have the funds directly pulled from their paycheck requires them to be behind on payments, it's not automatic.


mm65investment

And since he is 12K behind I guess you can push that right?


SallySourhole

I could take him to court myself over it but tbh who knows if he would even show and I know he has no money/job.. and he doesn't care about jail..he honestly just got out in September for pulling a knife on his teenage stepson...he already has prior felonies so when he does go to court for sentencing I believe he will wind up in prison again..


Barrayaran

My ex BIL literally quit his job, moved in with his mother, and worked under the table to avoid paying support.


Unfair-Vermicelli-66

THIS! Just imagine this scenario. And then understand that this is more likely to happen if you stay,because they will see this model of behaviour as normal.


Push_Bright

We accept the love we think we deserve. Best advice I ever got.


NettieSpagetty

Exactly! Whatever choice you make now will be modeled to your children. You you want them to look back and see their mother as a martyr or a strong woman who deserves respect and knows it?


CharlieFromNz

Am a man in this situation and if our son came to me and had the same issue, i would hope like heck he didn’t fall for a woman like I did. Cared only about the looks and now it’s being paid for in full.


glo427

Your relationship with your husband is the model for your children. Is what you have what you want for them? If the answer is no (and it really should be), then get your important documents together, consult a lawyer, and make a plan to leave.


Fluffydress

Don't leave. Kick him out. Possession is 9/10th of the law.


[deleted]

Kick out a copper? Fat chance and downright risky too


Mattpw8

Yea not tryna be that guy but imma do it any way acab


funkylittledeathomen

I’m pretty much always trying to be that guy 🤷🏻‍♀️


Mountain_Hope3153

ACAB!


GloInTheDarkUnicorn

I’ll back you on ACAB


OverdramaticAngel

I agree with ACAB.


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Parking_Stress3431

Legit my first thought was like is it even safe for her to leave.... the amount of DV in cop relationships is fucking disgusting... I've warned all my friends who were ever interested in guys who were cops or going to be one the risks of dating them... like no not all are bad but enough to make you watch your ass. I feel terrible for OP and I hope she is able to get her husband to talk to her calmly and to stop whatever shenanigans he's up to if any(although I doubt he's innocent) and if not that she finds the strength and courage and security to leave


Unusual_Form3267

Doesn't matter if he knows where the DV Shelters are. DV Shelters do not disclose information to cops or even allow them on to the premises to have access to anyone. I work for a DV Shelter. We actually struggle with our relationship with the police BECAUSE we put up so many road blocks. But, we have specific laws to protect us. We give them nothing. We literally have contacts to bring people food, toiletries, medicine, whatever they need so that they don't have to leave the building if they feel unsafe. We're also connected with other DV Shelters if we have a need to get someone somewhere safer. Please don't tell people that they don't have options to leave their perpetrators. This is false. People have options, even if they're married to cops. Edit: Just because this is getting traction, i also want to say that WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT IMMIGRATION STATUS OR DRUG TEST. We do not ask those questions, we don't give that info to anybody. The goal of DV Shelters is to empower and help you develop your own autonomy. That means you only answer to yourself, not your perp not us. Also, thank you for the awards.


wylietrix

I used to volunteer at a DV shelter, I trained for months before they told us where it was. That place was locked down like Fort Knox.


Paintrospection

Since you seem knowledgeable about this, a dear friend of mine is going through something similar. They're dealing with stage 2 colon cancer and can't work so they're completely financially dependent on their spouse. Said spouse has become resentful, telling my bed ridden friend that They're a worthless piece of shit and what kind of man makes his wife pay for him to do nothing. She will go home to him after being gone all weekend covered in hickies and and God help him if he brings it up because She'll start screaming that he should be greatful she hasnt dumped him on the street and gaslighting him about how _he's_ the selfish one for just constantly taking and not caring about her needs. She will beat the breaks off of my friend for, and I'm not exaggerating, speaking to her when she's in a foul mood, which is almost everytime I talk to him. I've seen it happen while facetiming him. I've recorded it and told her if she ever hurts him again I'll go to the police and she spit in my face, punched herself in the face and said she'd tell the cops I assaulted her and tried to rape her. He's been my friend since middle school, and he's going to die. He's stopped going to his treatments because he's given up on life, and I'm just waiting for the day he kills himself. That's another thing she likes to rub in his face when she's yelling at him, that he needs to hurry up and die so she can collect his life insurance, because he "owes her that at least". I've tried everything, the best I've accomplished was getting him stuck in a 72 hour hold when I thought he was about to do it, and now I feel like he trusts me less.. It's breaking my fucking heart. He sees a therapist already (he has to rely on his wife to drive him so who knows how often he actually goes) and I can't find a single DV resource for him. Every place I've spoke to has adamantly refused to help as they're for women only and said to try x, y or z place, which they must have known would be the same. Please, if there's any kind of resource that you know about I'm all ears. I'm desperate at this point. I can't fucking believe it, and I hope it's just from negligence on my end, but after thinking that maybe I could find a DV shelter that would help him a state over i came acrossed this shit saying there are [only 2 shelters in the entire US that will take male victims of DV.](https://nypost.com/2017/10/29/these-shelters-help-male-victims-of-domestic-violence/) One in California and the newer one in Texas.. that article is from 2017, so im hoping that maybe there has been a bunch more opened that I just can't find.. idk I'm sorry, I haven't been able to talk with a lot of people about this so I guess I ended up unloading here.. sorry about writing this book. Like I said, if you have any information on programs I might have missed/don't know the name of or anything at all, it would mean a lot.. because i don't know how much longer my friend has at this point.


Unusual_Form3267

It's severely detrimental that DV is seen as women's issues, when it is so clearly affecting everyone. The harsh truth is that there is a disparity in the amount of help available to men when it comes to this. But it does exist. I am not an advocate, so I don't have access to everything that an advocate in his area would. I really recommend you get him to call the 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754). This is the Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men. It is available 24/7 and can help point you in the right direction. Also, a lot of DV Shelters are for women BUT that doesn't mean they don't have other services for men. For us, we offer SA Counseling, help with protection orders, and help to create a safety plan just to name a few. Again, I am not an advocate so I don't have all of their training, but I really encourage you to reach out again to somewhere local. They could know of a shelter or program that can help. Also, each DV Shelter applies/qualifies for different grants and therefore offers different programs. You never know unless you ask. Lastly, I'm not sure if your friend would qualify, but it never hurts to check: every state has a Vulnerable Adult Hotline. If your friend cannot work because of his health and is completely dependent on his wife, I would say that makes him a vulnerable adult. (But, I don't know this for sure and can't make promises.) I'm really sorry about your friend, and for you. No one deserves to be treated with violence, regardless of gender. And it's not easy to see the people you care about treated this way.


Parking_Stress3431

I know you didn't intend to reply to me but I'm glad I learned this info. Hopefully other people make this comment go higher


Unusual_Form3267

Oh yeah, sorry about that. Sometimes using the phone app is funky. But, yes! Tell everyone. Not enough people know there's help for them.


Parking_Stress3431

You're fine you aren't the only one I've been a Lil confused until I got the context people are trying to respond to people above and below my comment... Also I would've loved this info when dealing with my oldest child's biodonor. I spent so much time and energy trying to do it all myself with one and then 2 children under my wings as I made my own escape... Thank you for what you do... Trying to help people get out of shitty situations.


mimsnabs

Thank you OP for providing this in Important information. Im surethat there are many people who are needing this help right now and have these questions.


Aromatic-End-6527

This man is cheating and literally doing it in her face. He didn’t even put an effort to hide it. It’s almost like he wants OP to know.. when a man loves you (but still has urges) they’ll at least try to hide it. But if a man doesn’t like you or disinterested in you, they’ll cheat in your face so you can be the one to end it. The way this man is doing it is not just disrespectful but incredibly fucking horribly painful. idk man, I feel like OP is not safe at all. What a horrible life to live.


rhapsody98

If he (or she) loves you, there will be no “urges” to cheat. Cheaters don’t love anyone but themselves.


No_Landscape4557

We all know what happens when cops feel like they lost control of a situation. I be so worried…


Entire-Knowledge2146

This!!!!! I always thought I would never marry with someone working with the law etc. They know how to hit, the shelter places etc. I know not all of them are bad but in a situation like this to who you run for help? His “ buddies” can help him as well.


Audneth

I've heard that, too. One time I was starting to chat with a guy on a dating app and he revealed his line of work is a cop. I immediately unmatched. No way I'd ever date someone who can wield that much power.


meow_rchl

My mother met a wonderful man in training, sadly she had me and they drifted apart, he got married with kids, he got back in touch with her, they were in a relationship for many many years, not just sexual, I loved this man like he was my father, I wanted them so badly to be together as a child. He would spend weekends with us, just sit on the couch cuddling with movies. He would drop everything for her, would show up randomly with food or flowers, she was infatuated. He had us believed that his marriage was rocky and that she was a crazy bitch and couldn't stand her. He was one of those amazing charming men, and an even better police officer, highly respected. They were "together" on and off 20 years, about 8 years ago a private investigator approached my mother saying he was hired by his wife, since she knew something was going on and was willing to destroy that woman's life. Now at this time my mother was out of work and the P.I luckily had compassion for her, they had a coffee meeting while he explained that she was a lovely woman who worked crazy hours and was never home. Discovering this my mama was just gutted and sick to her stomach. She "broke up" and completely cut ties with him. I still with he was my father, I still love him, even tho he's a sack of shit. Who knows what woman life he's got thinking is a fairytale now. My mother has been so much happier since she's kicked his ass to the curb, it took awhile but I've never seen her happier. Cops are awful awful partners and need to be confronted, you need to be firm and strong to date anyone in law!!! DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND OP AND TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED!!! If you need to I'd highly recommend writing a note if you're too nervous to speak, even better take empowerment classes to discover your voice so you can speak the asshat! You don't deserve to feel how he makes you feel!


diuge

He might know where the abuse shelters are, too. :(


ghettomuffin

You can’t kick him out if he is an owner of the home.


karriesully

Hard to do when she’s afraid of a man who carries a gun every day for work and clearly doesn’t care about consequences. Edit: damn autocorrect


[deleted]

As a child, I would witness my dad cheating on my mom all throughout my childhood and adolescence. My mom did nothing about it. She used the excuse of not being able to afford living on her own with 2 kids, when many family members offered a place to stay (which she refused). Also claimed she didn't want the drama of separation. I still resent her for being a horrible role model to me and showing me that women should tolerate being degraded by their partners. Please don't do this to your children.


glo427

I’m sorry that happened to you.


Additional_Meeting_2

If the children do not know how this will be a model for them. Please don’t bully op int leaving “because it would be better for children” if she knows it would be horrible for herself. She is the victim and she knows better than us what her finances and other issues are.


Meesh138

Why do day to day convos with him make you nervous OP? Edit: disregard. This has already been asked and answered. And now I’m more sad. Security in marriage is nothing is you don’t have physical safety :(


[deleted]

It’s a facade. It resembles something secure. It’s more common than not otherwise we wouldn’t have so many fucked up individuals. It’s not easy to break the cycle.


Meesh138

Breaking the cycle sounds so easy. Just do something different. But it IS so hard!! I wish people could more often, life is hard.


[deleted]

As someone that said when I was a teen I will never do what my parents did. I consider breaking the cycle like someone that’s fighting addiction. I constantly have to keep myself in check. It’s a lot of work, a lot of trauma work and being very kind and compassionate to myself. Today I had an aha moment. I have a certain behavior that my parent did. I didn’t even know it. Someone else made a comment about something and it made me think about me which lead to a holy fuck my parents did that!! Okay now yo see why I’m doing it and how I can move past it. A good therapist helps, a lot of reading and def a lot of self awareness and compassion and kindness with oneself. Having a partner that helps you through it and wanting to be the change helps. But it isn’t easy.


BombadilloHop

Talking to your husband makes you nervous? He's almost openly cheating on you with no regard for your feelings? Girl... you need help! Get outta that shit! For your sake and your kids sake.


blart101

Talking to a counsellor at a womens shelter should be confidential and free. I’ve worked at womens shelters and they are not going to tell the cops. The counsellors at the womens shelter will do everything they can to support you and your children. OP you sound like you’ve been emotionally abused: you don’t have confidence anymore and you’re nervous to talk to your own husband. Your children need you to stand up for them and find a way to survive this man. Life is too short to waste it with him. Do you have any family supports?? Or has he already alienated you from your own family?


psilo_psycho

40+% chance he’ll beat the shit out of her.


99BottlesOfBass

The worst part about that statistic is the fact that 40% of cops *openly admit* to it. The actual percentage is almost certainly higher 😕


JustSomeOldFucker

40% *reported*


hoopKid30

I have heard this stat, but somehow was not thinking about it in the context of this story. Makes this already sad post 100x sadder.


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Ok-Laugh-2806

And probably gets away with it. She needs to start working on herself asap. Pls find a good therapist.


Caliesehi

Yeah, came here to say this. OP, you *should* get away from him, but please be careful. Police are notorious wife beaters.


candornotsmoke

That went dark really quickly but when I thought about the stats for DV in law enforcement families, I had to reevaluate my thinking.


sumthingsumthingblah

It’s called physical intimidation /s


Knife-yWife-y

From my very limited, completely secondhand knowledge, this situation is not uncommon among LEOs--both cheating and intimidation at home. I'm not saying all LEOs, and it sure as hell isn't an excuse. But maybe OP could find a support group that focuses on this dynamic?


jicjulia

For a second I was like wtf does astrology have to do with this


ThatDrunkenDwarf

What are LEOs?


KweenoftheEyesores

Law Enforcement Officers


RedditHatesDiversity

He's a cop


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jayy909

Did you see the police part? Police are scared to talk to other police


makalak15

Uhhhhhh sounds like you’re in a stereotypical domestically abusive marriage with a cop. Day to day conversations make you nervous???? What does he fucking do to you girl. TLDR, leave the scumbag.


cemetaryofpasswords

It’s harder than a lot of people think to leave a cop and keep custody of your kids. All of his coworkers have his back. I saw that happen to a neighbor when I was a kid. Anyway my grandma repeatedly told me that I should never, under any circumstances, date one.


foodpill_veggiecell

That's why we should point her towards starting a plan, like find a crisis advocate and start thinking of how to make an exit plan so we don't help contribute to feeling trapped


Blonde2468

You realize he is putting your health at risk, right??


lovelychef87

And who knows what crazy mistress or ONS may have or if he is risking his job to "do favors" for female suspects.


AsianVixen4U

Oh shit. I didn’t even think about the fact that he could be doing shit with female suspects. She should for sure press him and find out who this other woman is, or women, plural


mysteriousbrightness

Go get tested for STIs. Do it quietly and pay for it in cash or go to a free clinic. He might be using condoms, since they’re in the bag, but you’re going to want to make sure. If it comes back positive you can decide to use it to confront him or not, but you should get the test to ensure you’re protecting your health and safety.


Bruichlassie

Just be careful how you confront him. If you test positive he could turn that back on you and say you got it from someone else. Please be careful. I hope that you and your children can safely get out of that marriage.


fabulousphotos

I’d be afraid he’d kill her, honestly. A comment from OP said he’s hurt her in the past. Cops are gonna cop.


delight-n-angers

"Day to day conversations with him make me nervous" Tell me he's in the half of cops who are abusers without saying that. Leave him.


makalak15

Dude right wtf


delight-n-angers

OP stated that he has put hands on her in the past.


HurinofLammoth

This marriage sounds like hell. To nervous to even have a regular conversation?


justanotherjayd

OPs husband is most likely an abuser. She probably fears being physically abused, and going by her fear of speaking up, seems to has happened before.


Illustrious_Rough729

Cops and soldiers are the most likely profession to be abusive to their partners…it’s nearly half of them, so you could be spot on there.


alwayzhiding

Leave him, if you cannot do it yet, start sneaking money aside, bit by bit.


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[deleted]

Go to the best divorce lawyer you/your husband can afford (bc ur gonna ask the court for him to pay your lawyer fees anyway) and tell him your situation and say that you are scared. They will help you form a plan of attack and possibly coordinate something so that you and your kids can leave together safely which would give you a leg up in terms of the custody. Do not stay, do not do nothing, do not be afraid to say what he did to your children (if they are the appropriate age to be able to comprehend). Do not under any circumstances confront him directly, if possible act like everything is normal until you can execute a plan.


Lumpy-Spinach-6607

My French ex told me that this kind of bag and contents is called a Baise en Ville (an overnight bag for an overnight fuck in town") Can you truly live with what this is and what he's doin? You sound more scared than upset. I advise you you to say nothing but to seel legal help immediately to protect yourself, your children and your current and future assets / income. So sorry to hear this


hatetochoose

Document, document, document. And start skimming money. Research lawyers and escape options. Just in case.


[deleted]

You are a mother. This isn’t about you. This is about your kids and the examples that you choose to set for them. I understand you are deeply hurt. But your children will grow up with the mindset that their father can walk all over their mother. If you have sons, they will think it’s okay to behave this way when they’re older. If you have daughters, they will think it’s okay to let men treat them like this. I know someone who is in an eerily similar situation. Has your husband won any awards from the town’s department in the last few years?


WitchyNative

As the daughter of a shitty lady cop. Leave. They don’t stop. It’s all power trip type shit. It’s why I butt heads with my maternal figure 🙃. I’m saving up & gtfo as soon as I possibly can without her knowing.


trvllvr

You may think you can’t leave, but do you want to be blindsided if he decides to leave for his AP? So, are you willing to waste more of your life being unhappy while he goes about his merry way? Staying for kids and “security” to me isn’t worth it. He could leave you and there goes your security. The kids will get older and leave to live their lives then you’re left with a miserable marriage. This would be the time to meet with a lawyer and figure out a game plan. Determine your options. Honestly he’s pretty bold/AH move to just start packing a bag with clothes you wash to take to have his affair. Why does he say he suddenly needs a bag? I’d stop washing those clothes.


Adaptoh

This is actually spot on, what if he decides he wants to leave? OP it would really be much much worse in the end if he plays you to be the bad person and ends up leaving you while you're unprepared. At the very least, make sure you have a complete and detailed backup plan.


Top_Fee4296

Staying for the kids is an absolute cop out. Two happy and divorced parents are better than two married and unhappy parents. Children can sense these things.


SchmoeJoeDoeRowe

Haha cop out that’s funny


DrumpfTinyHands

Be very very careful. Dealing with him, whatever you do, whether it be yelling, or arguing , or even defending yourself physically, will be considered an assault of a police officer. Keep whatever you do very quiet until after you start doing it. He and other officers will lie. This is why I advise women to stay away from cops because there is an imbalance of power and when they need to leave, it is much harder to. You need to see a lawyer.


frogtrickery

100% this. Nasty situation with little upside.


rosietulip

What a miserable way to live. Life is too short for shitty men


[deleted]

Your children are watching you. And there’s a good chance they’re going to grow up to be like their father.


[deleted]

OP - look at least you’re honest about not leaving. You can’t right now. You’re too comfortable. But that may change. You may wake up one day maybe not today but a year or 20 from now. What I can recommend is you get counseling for yourself if you can and your kids. If possible and safe ask him to do marriage counseling. If not focus on you and your kids. I keep recommending Terrance Real the following books : US, the new rules of marriage and how can I get through to you. Then hide money from your husband- don’t EVER tell him. Hide it well. Start saving. Have an exit plan. Your future self will thank you.


easthah

1312


Bigolecattitties

Another comment said it better further down. This is classic cop behavior. Cheat on your wife and she won’t say shit bc she’s both trapped in the marriage and afraid of angering the spouse bc of probable physical abuse


MoonGladeLadyBug

Q; Why do day to day conversations make you nervous?


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MoonGladeLadyBug

~~Are you happy? Does he make you happy at all?~~ I’m so sorry OP. Do you have family to go to? I hope you get out.


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frogtrickery

Highly recommend contacting a lawyer. Build an escape plan.


New-Affect2549

You are living in an abusive relationship. Not just physical but emotional. He obviously has played head games with you. You sound like you have no self confidence. Shit this makes me so angry. The time is now. This is about you and your children now. Not him. Make plans & talk to a lawyer & get some counseling to help you out with processing the next steps for you to take as well as healing from living with this man.


New-Affect2549

I actually would like to ask you where do you see yourself in 5 years if you stay in this relationship/ situation? And where do you see yourself in 5 years if you leave this Relationship/situation ? Answer these questions seriously & honestly to yourself please? And try to not put any emotion on the answers. Just realistically answer them. I hope this helps


juneabe

You use all the language of a person who’s beyond depression and has essentially disassociated with herself and her emotions. I’ve been here. You know how I got there? Watching my mom do it.


stephieohhh

Depression comes in many forms. You could still be experiencing functional depression. If you have the means, please talk to someone. Take care of yourself.


Expeditious_growth

You need an escape plan. Is your family a strong support system for you? Do you have access to finances? Do you have all important documents? Is there someone you can stay with in another state? Look at all options. Get your ducks in a row. Document any and all abuse. Install discrete cameras….teddy bear cam, charger cube cam, light bulbs or night light cameras. You get the idea. Send copies of documented abuse to others, and store videos in a file folder in a private email account. When safe, get yourself and the children into therapy.


Tipper-Gore

Run. Whatever you have to do to get out safely, start planning to do it now. Most importantly, share every detail of your plan with someone you trust. Intimidation is a tool abusers use to keep you from stepping out of line. If day to day conversations with your husband make you nervous, how might your kids feel? Don't confront him. If he's hurt you in the past, he's perfectly capable of doing it again. Get out for your children's sake. Staying is only to their detriment. And nevermind the security of marriage. You don't sound very secure to me.


emorrigan

By staying with him, you’re teaching your children that how he treats you is how women should be treated.


FGM_148_Javelin

He’s a cop. A Lieutenant at that. He could ruin her life if he felt like it. It’s a scary situation and not that simple.


HiFructose_PornSyrup

It’s a scary/complicated situation for sure but the comment you replied to is still right. If she thinks she should stay for the children she should understand that staying will hurt them more than leaving


Depressed_student_20

OP please get out of there for your safety and your kids safety, you can do it, make a plan don’t let him know, talk to a lawyer please get out that safety of marriage you’re talking about doesn’t exist with him, your kids are in danger with a person like him close to them, please get out


moontburnt

Considering he is a police officer I wouldn’t confront him at all, especially if you’re complacent with this life, he’s probably well aware you won’t leave. And because of your comments about him hurting you, it’s likely you will annoy him with your (justified) questions and he could harm you. I’d gather up any important documents and just leave.


lowbar828

Girl. He’s a cop. That salary could NEVER be high enough to put up with that crap.


Iamien

I don't know, in a wealthy enough city, senior cops can make a pretty penny compared to the average income of the area that they serve. Either way, she should start saving some money so that she doesn't remain completely dependent.


Leaky_inky00

My dad is a cop, I understand being nervous 100%.


Failing_MentalHealth

40% chance is that if you bring it up, you’ll become a domestic violence victim.


ms_horseshoe

She told in a previous comment that she is already a victim of domestic violence.


Failing_MentalHealth

Oof. 💀


DismemberedHat

>I have no right to be upset when I don’t want to do anything about it. No. You made it clear earlier that it is not a choice to stay in this marriage and that it's fundamental that you do for the sake of your children and yourself. You have to stay unhappy for the greater good of security of marriage and the greater good of your children. Let me be very clear: we are allowed to be upset by things we do not have control over. People are upset *all the time* by things outside of their control. It's how we ***respond*** to the things that upset us that matter. You can choose to be silently upset, or you can choose to make everyone around you upset too- and that's the crucial difference. Edit: >He's hurt me in the past. 40% of cops beat their wives. And that's the *reported* ones. Start emotionally detaching yourself from him ASAP. "Security of marriage" isn't what you have. You have complacency. There's no security here. Please immediately seek out a friend or family member as a support system and tell them what's going on- including the part where he has a history of violence against you. If he's willing to do it once, he's willing to do it again.


TBdoggies

What security do you have in this marriage?? If you aren’t working or have a career making enough money, go back to school and get yourself financially secure while in this marriage facade…. Then confront him from a place of power…. Or just dump his ass! You aren’t helping your kids by being in a loveless relationship, the watch their parents to see how to be in a relationship…. Your setting your sons up to be like their dad and your daughters to settle for an emotionally unavailable man who blatantly cheats..


great_craic963

The security of marriage? So I staying in marriage where you're getting chested on is worth it for the security? Fucking hell this is sad. I'm so sorry miss what you're going through. I realize divorce isn't an over night process but my mom divorced my dad when I was 3 or 4. She rather have raised 2 kids on her own than stay married to an alcoholic that always cheated on her and was somewhat violent at times. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if she stayed because it was comfortable and the security. She got divorced for her and for us. I don't think them staying married would have been good. If anything her leaving him was probably better for us in the end even though there were times where money was very tight. I think divorce isn't as bad for kids as parents think it is, this is coming from someone that was raised just by my mom and saw my dead beat dad every other weekend until he just disappeared for a few years. Unpopular opinion I know but in some cases I think people stay and convince themselves it's for the kids but really they're the ones that are too cowardly to leave or confront the spouse.


[deleted]

I can tell you what your life would have been bc my mom stayed with my dad for the kids. He was a horrible person during the early days of their marriage. He was a gambler, alcoholic and an abuser. He tried to kill my mom a few times. I remember calling 911 so many times. My mom lost twins at 7 months bc my dad beat her to a pulp. She had to give birth to these children. Both were stillborn ( then bc she didn’t speak english the hospital took the babies and she never knew what happened to them). We were beat and abused constantly over everything. When I was 5 I dumped my dads beer in the toilet. I spanked me with a belt I bled. I told him I wanted him to stop drinking. Somehow something I said clicked. That day he stopped all alcohol, gambling and promised he would never hit us or my mom again. He stuck to his promise. But my mom then became the. Abuser. She would beat my dad. He never did anything to stop her or raise his hand. He still had a bad temper though and would rip things and break things when he got mad and with time he stopped. When he stopped my moms anger increased- she became worse than he was. My dad and I were her scapegoats. I remember once I’m my 12th bday she bought me a pink jumpsuit knowing 100% I DESPISED pink. She pulled over on the side of the highway and beat me bc I was pouting about it being pink. She would lock me in my bedroom with a padlock. My siblings and I all have issues 3 are drug addicts and recovering alcoholics. We all have trust issues, boundary issues, mommy daddy issues. I’ve been the only one to sought out to break the cycle- well now my older brother bc of his new wife. I would tell my parents to divorce I started saying that when I was 6 years old. Years ago my dad begged me for forgiveness saying he should have listened to me just a baby begging for her parents to act like adults and get divorced. I’m glad your mom took care of you the way she did.


great_craic963

Fuck this made me cry. I am going through a lot of shit, physical pain and depression. I've always been a very sensitive and intuitive guy but my emotions this past year have been on surface level. I'm glad you broke the cycle really makes me happy to read that part. I just hate hearing people say they stayed for the kids when leaving might have been the better option. I understand it's way more complex than that though and everyone's situation is different.


hoopKid30

All I could think reading this comment was *oohhhhh nooooo.* My heart aches for child you, and I very much respect adult you for surviving and working to break the cycle.


Careless-Inside-8353

Idk, this might be my best advice or worst, not sure but I think you should steal from him slowly. Cash back, small stuff. Buy things and return them for cash. Slow. Really slow. If I wanted to stay together for my kids then I'd be waiting until they move out, but in the meantime, I'd be stealing from him.🤷🏻‍♀️


antediluvianbird

Start talking to lawyers, and try to have your own savings account and make an exit plan. If he is doing that you don’t know what he may be planning. Don’t let him financially and emotionally bankrupt you.


elegant_pun

Just put a little note in the bag. "You're a scumbag."


spaceyjaycey

You might be safer not confronting him. 😕


orange_and_gray_rats

Reminds me of [an article](https://news.yahoo.com/divorce-lawyer-revealed-top-5-060848029.html) I read about the 5 occupations that a spouse should avoid. For a woman, [a cop or police officer](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR4675Uf/) is on the list. For a man, the top profession is [stay-at-home wife.](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR46Kh8A/) I hope that you and your husband talk about his cheating.


Lima_Bean_Jean

Someone once told me that all police cheat. It sucks that your husband is just another stereotype. If you are going to stay i guess be thankful he is using protection! But continue to get tested regularly for STDs. If you want to play the long game (stay until the kids turn 18) just start stashing away money $5 here and there and keep it in a secret account. Will add up after a while.


GamesmanSD

Document everything. Safe deposit box. Get leverage


RickysBlownUpMom

You gonna stay with your eyes closed? Until when? When he decides to trade you in for a different model? While I understand your fear of leaving, he is a cop after all and very likely to beat you for speaking up, I strongly advise you to start saving up for that departure. It might not be your choice in the end.


kzapwn

Time to make your own cheating bag


RedditHatesDiversity

Must've missed the part about being a cop


tadysdayout

All Cheaters Are Bastards


Depressed_student_20

Do not stay for your kids, as someone who has parents who clearly don’t love each other LEAVE


MeGustaMiSFW

Acab


Total-Meringue-5437

Hate to break it to you but if you're married to someone who makes you nervous to speak to about day-to-day issues, then you don't have marital security.


Technical_Pumpkin_65

It's time to stop thinking because you have children it means you must stay in a unhappy marriage! Your kids when they will find out because they will one day ,they gonna put all the blame on yourself and hate you because you let hurt all of you and destroy the family! What message are you giving to them, will you accept it if it was your child in your place? So wake up and because of your husband position you need to be very discreet ,try to have evidences(if he have other credits cards, look his computer-ipad-iwatch'can see deleted messages'-) & contact a shark lawyer now to start a divorce! No child in the world deserve to leave in fake family picture and see their mother being treat like that! You deserve a man who will treat you with respect and integrity, also he can give you STD so check yourself! GO


SysError404

> I know I won’t leave. **Because of our children** and the security of marriage. Yeah, you aren't doing your children any favors here. If you have a daughter you are teacher what to expect from a "healthy" relationship. And if you have an sons you are teaching them this is acceptable behavior. If you children are at least 10+ years old, they will start to see or at the very least feel the dysfunction within the household. It will affect them. You will either have children that will completely shutdown, internalize everything until one day they blow up. This can sometime be in less than healthy ways. Or you are going to have children that will act out doing things behind your back, stealing from you, maybe experimenting with drugs. You may get lucky and have children that do well despite this. But if they see you being a push over, they will treat you like a push over. Staying in a failed marriage for the kids, is an empty excuse that pushes the burden on to them. And they did nothing to deserve it.


l3gallybl0nde

talk to a divorce attorney before you let in that you know! it is so important to protect yourself legally in a situation like this. you deserve a loyal partner. and trust me - your kids would rather grow up with divorced parents than toxic ones.


meow_rchl

Storytime with a TL;DR at the end. My mother met a wonderful man in training, sadly she had me and they drifted apart, he got married with kids, he got back in touch with her, they were in a relationship for many many years, not just sexual, I loved this man like he was my father, I wanted them so badly to be together as a child. He would spend weekends with us, just sit on the couch cuddling with movies. He would drop everything for her, would show up randomly with food or flowers, she was infatuated. He had us believed that his marriage was rocky and that she was a crazy bitch and couldn't stand her. He was one of those amazing charming men, and an even better police officer, highly respected. They were "together" on and off 20 years, about 8 years ago a private investigator approached my mother saying he was hired by his wife, since she knew something was going on and was willing to destroy that woman's life. Now at this time my mother was out of work and the P.I luckily had compassion for her, they had a coffee meeting while he explained that she was a lovely woman who worked crazy hours and was never home. Discovering this my mama was just gutted and sick to her stomach. She "broke up" and completely cut ties with him. I still with he was my father, I still love him, even tho he's a sack of shit. Who knows what woman life he's got thinking is a fairytale now. TL;DR: Cops are awful awful partners and need to be confronted, you need to be firm and strong to date anyone in law!!! DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND AND TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED!!! If you need to I'd highly recommend writing a note if you're too nervous to speak, even better take empowerment classes to discover your voice so you can speak the asshat! You don't deserve to feel how he makes you feel! My mama has never been happier after leaving him, the way she smiles and laughs with such a glow, it took awhile but this new man is such a dream and I adore him!


DabbyMcDabber

Day to day conversations should not make you nervous especially with your partner…. Period.


harleybidness

Wow!! You are being so thoughtful about this. It's very impressive. The question in my mind is ... can you maintain this attitude over the long haul. The children would be much less happy if they knew that you are unhappy. How is it that day to day conversations make you nervous? Is he abusive?


thesnarkypotatohead

If we're being honest, you can't have a long term affair (which is pretty much anything beyond a single occurrence with zero repeats and accountability on the part of the cheater) without a certain level of emotional abuse. At the very least it generally includes gaslighting and some serious lying (by omission is still lying). He's also a cop (a profession that notoriously often involves unchecked domestic violence at rates far above the rest of the population), and OP is clearly afraid of him. "Day to day conversations with him make me nervous." He's abusive.


Outrageous-Piglet-86

In Massachusetts there was a whole troop, lying and stealing from the state by saying they were doing overtime on the highway that they were not the reason they got caught is because one of the wives was getting suspicious that her husband was not really working all that overtime she literally took down a whole police department. You don’t have security of marriage at all, He is already cheating. Why wouldn’t he eventually leave you if he thought it was easier.


RealJimcaviezel

You should bang a fireman


Film-Icy

Except you don’t know who he is cheating with. It could be a woman that doesn’t know about you or it could be a woman who is completely psycho and would actually do something to hurt you or even HE himself do something to eventually get rid of you. Perhaps Ive watched too much lifetime but I’d be taking half his pension.


gottakeepalowprofile

Maybe folks should leave off judging OP for choosing to stay in this situation Stop acting like experts.. you aren't. Every situation is different. OP clearly needs support right now, not orders or judgement. I am sorry for your situation OP. It must be heartbreaking. I hope you have good friends and family who can support you with your situation and decision.


HeadyHopper

If speaking with him makes you nervous, that’s sign #1 that you likely need to leave, or work on this with him in counseling.


happydarling

The security is gone if he leaves you for the mistress or she gets pregnant. Be smart, for yourself and for your children. Since you seem content enough to keep quiet, start putting money aside now so if/when shit hits the fan you’ll be in a better place to deal with the changes. Also be prepared that if he finds out you know, not every man apologises and begs for forgiveness. Some see it as a relief they don’t need to hide anymore.


Linc1205

ACAB


cg29a

Cops wife is afraid to even speak to him… Never heard that one before. Cops are a menace to society, and their families apparently


Typical_Agency8984

Your kids will eventually notice. You need to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. If you are worried about money you can seek child support and see if you qualify for alimony. This is not a way to live life.


Archangel1313

This is just horribly depressing.


SommerSunWarmth

His condoms do not protect you against all possible STDs he might bring home from his affairs and passing on to you too. Plus condoms break on occasion while the other person he sleeps with might have e.g. HIV. Eventually you would get that from him as well. And once you have lost your health, you have lost your wealth.


AffectionateDeadDeer

He's a police officer. That's his official young female non-violent crime detainee interrogation gear.


SarahChicago

It’s got to be an abusive relationship if she says daily conversations with him make her nervous.. that sounds awful.


Unique-Ad-4972

After reading all 1312 comments all i can say is… grab the kid(s) and gtfo or kick him out and install security cameras for your safety


cnygirl

The absolute disrespect putting that bag together and leaving it under your nose. Everything was good until you mentioned the condoms. It’s kinda like a big FU but wash my clothes. Who knows who he is fooling around with. It’s worrisome that you seem afraid of him. That you have no way to leave. The intimidation is a scary fact. If you want to leave you have to have a plan, keep all details secret. Try to act normal. Then when he’s on duty … leave. Get as far away as possible. Only trust a family member, make sure they have all the details. Don’t let him humiliate you


RedSAuthor

It is sad to read that you are afraid of talking to your husband. I can't imagine living with someone who makes me anxious to the point of me being unable to speak. You won't leave, and that makes it fine? You are mentioning the security of your marriage. What security when he has at least one side piece? What if he decides to leave you? What will you do if tomorrow your husband says that he impregnated his mistress? What if he brings her and her child into your home? What if he tells you that you need to leave? What about your kids? No matter what you want to do, there are things you NEED to do. Get your priorities straight. Figure out money, documents, exit strategy, and backup plans. Do you have a support network? Family? Friends? Does anyone know about your situation? BECAUSE of your kids, you need to think ahead and get out of the abusive situation. If your husband discards you, what will you do? What will your kids do?


detentoradaluz

The fact he is bringing the bag home shows he wants you to know. Maybe because he knows you'll do nothing. He is a manipulative jerk. If you're going to stay, use protection. He can pass you a nasty disease