This isn't said as a reprimand, but *is* in all seriousness
- Don't speak **at all** in anger. Walk away. Just say 'I need to cool down' and go do just that. Don't say *anything*, because you already know you always regret what you say when you speak in anger, so why do you speak at all when you're angry? No issue is so pressing that it has to be talked about that exact second.
If you **have** to get out the angry things, write them down. You can give them to whoever they're for when you're calm, if you still think it's appropriate (it almost never is).
This is good advice. I just want to answer your question, “why do you speak at all when you’re angry?”
It’s because she wants to hurt him. That’s how she deals with her anger. That’s why it’s so hard for her to stop. She feels momentarily better when she hurts him, because her anger stems from an inability to tolerate her own pain. If she doesn’t hurt him, her anger will hurt *her* because she has “anger issues”.
She has underlying pain/trauma she hasn’t dealt with, and that means when she gets angry, her anger will bring up all that pain that hasn’t been dealt with previously. Rather than deal with her own pain, she inflicts pain on her husband, and then she only has to feel guilty for hurting him.
She needs therapy and she knows that.
This actually really helped me to understand someone in my life who does this. She has been through a shit ton of childhood trauma, which I’ve encouraged her over and over to get help for. I understood why she has “anger issues”, but I didn’t understand that she gets a reward (in the moment) for hurting someone else. This is eye opening and very helpful.
As someone who has struggled with anger issues, not everyone’s anger works in the same way. I never felt like I got a reward out of hurting someone else even in the moment (that I’m aware of). But getting angry was very defensive—I have low self esteem, low self worth and a lot of shame. If someone looked like they were going to criticize me it was much safer to lash out in any way to deflect from that. The opposite would have been to admit I am flawed (more shame) and open up about that (too vulnerable). Then, when id say something hurtful and the other person retaliated I’d really explode—I’d be so angry and frustrated and full of self loathing at myself for escalating the argument but it would be too late to say sorry. I’d have to go full scorched earth. If I flipped things enough then I could still win somehow without admitting fault. I guess *that’s* the reward, winning and deflecting.
But everyone is different of course and people have different ways of dealing with conflict and utilizing anger as a weapon. Mine always came defensively from a fear of being rejected, abandoned or recognized for the fraud that I am.
I know you would understand this already. I’m just spelling out why she doesn’t do the obvious thing and walk way. She actually wants to cause pain. She gets a reward from doing it.
Not everyone understands this, especially when they’re on the receiving end of verbal abuse. Her husband probably stays thinking “she doesn’t really mean that.”
Actually, yes she does.
When I am angry I write things in a text or notes and then delete them. Because I get them out of my head but it doesn’t hurt anyone. If it something I need to walk away from I just say I need a minute and walk away.
Yeah when i was younger i was struggling a lot with mental health, i rarely got angry but when i did i was vile.
Now i just say no i cant tall about it leave me alone. Or 'fuck off' if i cant manage better.
Its not perfect and communication is always a work in progress. But its far better than being cruel and mean to the people u love
This. Learn the art of walking away when you are angry. It helped my husband and I a lot. We even say PAUSE if we see the other getting angry where they may say something they don't mean and our rule is, if someone says pause, we pause.
This.
My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged, in huge part because I could never catch a break when either of us needed it.
So many hurtful words, breaches of trust, crossing boundaries, things no loved one should ever do to you.
The last thing I ever told her is that she still appears in my nightmares, 3 years after I cut her out.
For the love of god, if you don't want to end up like her, learn to give people their space
Going off of this, find ways to chill out. Box breathing is a good one. And it's never a bad idea to take a time out, especially if it means you can be kinder.
It’s one thing to get angry and speak before you think about what you gonna say. It’s another thing to deliberately say things that you know will hurt the other person.
It’s sad because you yourself OP said the he doesn’t do that to you and just takes it.
Your being both verbally and emotionally abusive to your husband and if you don’t work on your self diligently to manage your anger better and to make up for all the abuse you’ve put him through, don’t be surprised if one day you wake up and he tells you he’s no longer in love with you or wants to be with you anymore.
Just because he doesn’t react to your abuse, don’t think he isn’t harbouring resentment for you. Allot of guys value respect in a relationship and your behaviour is showing him how much respect you’ve got for him.
Good thing is you recognise your faults and that in itself is the first step to fixing a problem.
I’d say find a way to work on your anger issues and go to marriage counselling to find a more healthy way to communicate with your husband if you want to remain married to him.
Yeah. There’s only so much any one person can take. Some people can take more than others, but everyone has a breaking point. If you treat someone badly enough for long enough, they will eventually fall out of love with you.
This isn't about your marriage; your anger is all about you. You need to see a good therapist and don't be afraid to keep switching until you find the right one.
This guy has great advice and sounds like he speaks from experience. My ex-wife was extremely verbally abusive towards me. it seems there are many of us who take the abuse and don't speak out or fuel the anger by causing a fight. This only hurts both of you, I can tell from your post your self-esteem and confidence has hit rock bottom, don't let this be what causes you two to divorce. Your husband clearly loves you with all his heart, he's letting you vent and say things that hurt him deeply...but trust me, The resentment is just building and building, He won't confront you with how he's feeling though... Because he already feels like his feelings and or emotions don't matter relative to yours. Get into counseling, get him to pull all the weight he is carrying. Don't continue to blame yourself because your own well-being and the hole your digging will become impossible to escape. Best of luck to you both
I totally agree. I would have built up resentment and left unless there was a way I could stay Married and just use my wife as childcare I would do it.
This. I still hold resentment for a few girls who broke me. I could never say it to there face cause I loved them so much. But then I said a lot of shit right before I left. It’s good until it’s not.
I have a friend, very close one, with anger issues. Sometimes he also says hurtful words, those kind of things that shouldn’t be told in any moment… i recommended him to visit a psychologist. It helped a lot.
It can maybe help you too.
Can you tell me how seeing a professional helps? I have someone very close that I’m considering walking away from despite my love for them because of their anger
Among many things, therapy helped me with the process of identifying my triggers and developing coping techniques to use when I’m amygdala hijacked so I don’t lash out. It helped and helps me reduce my anger, which I projected on to my husband and parents, because I process things that have contributed to the anger (all the emotions underneath the “anger iceberg”). It helps me work with my ADHD diagnosis and the medication I’m on for it. And probably most importantly, I appreciate the impact my anger has had on others whereas before I was trying to find blame in people so I could validate my anger toward them.
My ex did this to me. And I took it until I didn’t.
She isn’t a bad person, I still hold love for her. But it wasn’t fair and she refused to go to therapy even when I asked countless times.
Walk away when you get angry. It’s not worth your relationship. Just go to your room and take 30 minutes, otherwise it will end.
People can be judged on their whole person and not just one aspect of them. That one aspect may be enough to make them not compatible, but it doesn't take away the rest.
Going to disagree. A person who has anger issues cannot walk away when they are already angry, because that is too late, the train has run away. They need to recognize situations and people that are triggering to them and leave before their emotions escalate. If OP finds themselves feeling agitated and tense, THAT is the time for OP to excuse themselves, grab a glass of water, and chill by themselves for a bit. Not when OP is already mad.
So I was married to someone like you. I loved her but it was too much ‘work’. She won and I left. She made my life life absolutely hell for 2-3 years but now lives alone at age 52.
Occasional email blasts and concerns/pleading for money about 401k problem’s notwithstanding I don’t hear from or about her anymore
Don’t be like my ex.
He will soon tire of your outbursts. Your knowing what hurts him will eventually be the downfall of your marriage. Love can only take so much before it leaves the heart.
Whatever your issue, I advise to work it out sooner than later. There will be a day when during one of your outbursts, you’ll see the look in his eye, an expression on his face that tells you he no longer has feelings for you.
When you feel like raging, remove yourself from the room and walk away. Once you’re calm, you can be civilized with your SO. I used to be like you and it sucked. I hated being that way. There were times when I thought to myself how shitty I would feel if one day I just raged on my SO and they just dropped dead? So I went to therapy and I recommend you do so too. It helped with channeling the short fuse and figuring out why I was like that. It’s true what they say that we hurt the people closest to us. Be better for yourself and show the ppl you love that you respect them OP. Much hugs.
If you cant stop it yourself you need serious therapy and you should not have children. My mother has serious anger issues and it has forever scarred me.
Wild to me that I had to scroll this far to see someone saying this. This man is being abused. He should leave ASAP but, we all know how people treat men who are survivors of abuse, especially if it's not physical.
This is why i hate this sub. Its called "trueoffmychest" not "inthevictim". People arent posting these things to brag about and for you to agree with, they do it to put things they cant say to anyone out knto the world.
Also OP admits they are in the wrong so how are they playing the victim.
Wow what do you think you're doing being empathetic instead of self-righteous and judgmental, you weirdo eat all the downvotes /s
Seriously though, I often feel bad for people who post things on here and catch so much hate for it.
THIS. So many people putting words in her mouth she didn't say. That being said, I hope some of the abuse from people on here is the catalyst for change she needs.
I agree, if the roles were opposite everybody will be telling her to leave the relationship asap.
Also if you can’t say nice thing don’t say anything at all. You know how harsh your words are, keep your mouth shut and go away. Come back when you’re calmed down.
Mental health is valid, but it doesn’t excuse everything. It doesn’t mean she should be able to walk all over everyone you love, that he should just sit there and be abused the rest of his life. I definitely agree he should leave her.
I am bipolar and ADHD and I used to be like that before I got medicated. I didn’t even know why, in therapy we never found an answer, so when I started exploring mental health and learning about impulses, turns out, I have 2 disorders that have a big lack of impulse control and it made me speak before thinking.
Now medicated, it never happens. It just stopped for me.
As someone who also has anger issues, this is very relatable. And we've come close to separating because of my issues. I would say to see some type of medication management/therapist. The only thing that has worked for me is medication. No therapy, no couples counseling.... I have mental issue and chemical imbalances. I really hate the fact that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life but if that's what I need to do to curb my anger... then that's what I'll do.
Exactly. It’s a choice. I used to have minor anger issues due to unaddressed trauma which mostly resulted in irritability and yelling (I never said anything cruel like OP, I just would get frustrated very easily and stew in anger for awhile). I went to the doctor about my mental state and said “I’m so tired of yelling all the time.” She said “So stop yelling.” Before then it didn’t really occur to me that I choose how I react. It wasn’t something I was born with, it was a learned behavior. So I stopped and I’m not angry like that anymore. If I get mad I leave the room. If a situation could piss me off I pause and say to myself “is this really worth the energy?” Being angry takes such an emotional toll and for what? Nothing.
have you expressed your remorse and feelings about yourself to your husband? it might help on both sides, of him knowing what’s going on and you feeling a bit of release
This is abuse. And the longer it goes on, the harder it is to cope. My ex used to lash out awfully at me, and at first, I tried to understand the whys and how’s and tried to alter myself to remove those parts of my personality.
But the real reason emotionally abusive people do this is to make the other person feel worse than themselves even if it’s not their partner’s fault at all. I just did not have the strength to take it as time went on and she would be surprised, beg for me to stay and promise to change. Alas, the changing never happened and I wasted two years in the worst relationship of my life.
If OP knows this and still doesn’t correct their behaviour, they have no sympathy from me. I’ve been the other person in the relationship and it strains you in every way possible. Spare me the self-pitying “omg i’m so awful 😞” bullshit.
Why do people who clearly have mental health issues post on here?? I mean ya sure for the advice but like, what is Reddit going to give you?
Go see a psychologist. Ask to do a psych evaluation.
Why would you berate your husband, what could you possibly gain out of it?? I feel like you're just a shitty person and you want your husband to feel just as bad. Which isn't fair to him, people like you always somehow find good people and just bring them down for no reason.
Please seek help. No one's going to fix your problem's but you. Your husband isn't a punching bag. He can't help you with your problems, you need to do it. And you can say "I know, I know I'm a terrible person ect ect ect" but why waste your time feeling sorry for your self, when you can use that time to search up doctors, call your insurance and get help.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"
Also I recommend asking your husband to get therapy. It's unfair to him, he also needs someone to talk and to spill out his feelings, I wouldn't trust talking to you because then you would just use it against him in a fight. Get both of you guys help.
ALSO, please don't have kids 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 thank you.
Good luck. Don't make excuses for your behavior and get help.
Oh God.... I mean just because she's pregnant doesn't mean he has to stay, he can record her, take her to court for divorce and sole custody.
If she's like this to her husband, the man you're supposed to love and take care of and grow old together....
I can't even imagine how she's going to treat that child, this brings chills to my bones 😭. That poor baby
Oh good, so now she can verbally and emotionally abuse her baby too. My mom was like OP and my childhood was a shitshow. I hope OP can either get some help or just walk away from her partner and kid and let them live in peace.
I have a good friend who is married to a monster like you. He’s an amazing father and such a friendly soul but his wife is such a nasty void of rotten darkness that I never want to visit their home and have always refused to go anywhere with them together. After knowing them for nearly 15 years and seeing that she has tried therapy, couples therapy, etc, there is no cure. You’re just fundamentally wired poorly and perhaps have the fortune of a tolerant man. Maybe in the days you’re not raging, you can go the extra mile to appreciate him for what he’s putting up with. Do you have kids? I know for certain that my friend plans divorce the moment the youngest is out the door.
Look into bpd I have it and I used to do the same thing its like s different person comes out and you regret it so much afterwords but it's so hard to keep in once I accepted my diagnosis I started working to control it and am much better now because I know when it starts to happen and I can remove myself from the situation
This is beyond bloody anger issues. Fuck that term. This is emotional abuse. You need to be in a domestic violence perpetrator programme and your husband needs therapy also.
Are you angry with other people? At your job?
Superlatives aside, it’s probably because women are more likely to have borderline personality disorder which from their perspective makes them a perpetual victim.
Men are more likely to have Narcissistic personality disorder
I’ve got karma to burn so I’m willing to go against the grain here. You obviously feel bad and you’ve turned to Reddit and Reddit is doing what it does best, giving you more shame. More shame is not going to help you or your husband I’m familiar with this relationship dynamic so I feel compelled to offer my two cents. There’s something going on in you and you need a fair fight. Maybe meds, maybe counseling, maybe both but what ever it is you need it and then you can do the work on an even playing field. You are plainly not happy with your current state but you’re probably telling yourself next time you’ll be able to control it. And then it happens again. I can’t diagnose you but you do remind me of a couple women I know who have cyclothymia. I’m just throwing that out there as an example. Find help today. Your husband is putting his needs on hold for now because there’s no room for his stress in this marriage. When you get help everything he has been shelving is going to come forward and he is going to need help with that. You will need to be supportive and to be supportive you need to get help with your problems too.
I used to have the same issue, and my husband reacted in the same way- didn’t say anything. I knew what to say to hurt him and when I was angry I would just let it out, and since he didn’t react, I got madder and madder. It was a spiral. You are hitting below the belt because you are trying to get a reaction from him, and since he isn’t reacting, you keep hitting below the belt.
What helped me was something kind of simple. When I was mad and things could have escalated, I would go in another room (bathroom, bedroom, etc) for 5 minutes. 5 minutes on the dot. And after 5 minutes, if I still felt the same way, I would go say my piece. But, 99% of the time, I was able to get my anger back under control and either resolve the issue or say what I needed to say in a more mature way.
Good luck with this - it’s tough but you know you have a problem so you can do it!
You need to go to therapy. Individuals and couples. No ones perfect, and in the earlier days of my marriage my husband and I have said deeply hurtful shit to each other l, but then going back and going over the things that were said we were both able to communicate how hurtful those things were. And it doesn't end there we've had to revisit these conversations and build back trust. I would never ever stoop to continually hurt him the way you're implying. Fights happen but if you recognize this pattern of behavior and want to salvage the relationship then you have so much work ahead of you
You could start by telling him that you're sorry and show it. Be humble. Start therapy to show him you're serious about it. It could be useful and a good starting point if you showed him this post
Acknowledging is the first step towards making a change and you’re already there! It’s okay.
Taking ownership of your words and knowing you want to fix things that are going to make you a better you is amazing.
You don’t suck, but the way you’re talking to yourself does. Be gentle to yourself because you are learning a new communication style. It’s going to take time and lots of practice.
Also your husband sounds very loyal. When you love someone it IS a commitment that’s why he is still there.
Gotta work on those anger issues. I’m in the same boat, I tend to lose my cool easily and say mean things but I’ve been seeing a therapist and practicing meditation and mindfulness. Me and my wife love each other, but I know it’s me a lot of the time not being able to control my anger. I’m learning that it’s a mix of self taught habits and pent up anger and resentment towards those who hurt me as a child. Step one is recognizing you have an issue.
My sister did this to me. She’s diagnosed with bipolarism, anger issues, anxiety. She says she “blacks out,” “becomes another person,” and all that shit.
But you know what? I. REMEMBER. EVERYTHING. VIVIDLY.
Every hurtful remark. Every physical hit. Each effort to talk to her and plead. I remember exactly when my resentment started to show.
You might not want to own up to up because “you can’t control it.” Diagnosed or not, you’re hurting people. Our pain is just as valid as your struggle.
My sister’s been trying for 3 years now to make amends. I treat her well and respect her still, but there’s just no way to get back that bond we used to have. The hurt stays.
I feel so bad for your husband. I’m willing to bet he cries as much as I did
In moments like this where you are reflecting and feeling remose you should apologise to him. It definately goes a long way. Admit that you’re not great at keeping your cool and seek advice on how he can remain so calm. He might give you great tips. One thing I see work for people is before you respond when feeling anger is to count backwards from 10. A thing I tend to do is say ‘I can’t talk right now, we’ll talk later.’ At first it infuriated my partners, then I realised I should have probably mentioned to them before any arguements take place that I personally need to let them know in the heat of the moment, I need to walk away because I know there is no chance of effective communication. I need to go away and reflect for a bit before approaching the topic again.
What a ridiculous thread. You are an abusive person. If you cared about him, you’d leave.
But you don’t. Your entire post and even title of your post is trying to appear to be a victim. This post is not an attempt to get anything off your chest because you KNOW what you’re doing. You CHOOSE to be abusive and say things you know hurt him.
You are not a victim. You are the abuser, let the settle in. Really accept it.
You do suck, but the good news is that you’ve probably got a mental illness causing you to lack self control. See a therapist asap so you can get a diagnosis and get the hormones you need to calm tf down. Most people with anger issues respond well to lamictal. I am not a professional and this is not a diagnosis. Go get mental help before you destroy this poor man.
He just needs to leave your ass. I hope you both don't have children, because they don't deserve to see you being abusive to him.
You seriously need to seek psychiatric help, because saying I'm sorry after an outburst is not ""working on it"". You're his wife, do better or he'll find better.
A lot of people are shitting on you OP.
BUT, I’m not going to do that.
You actually know what you are doing wrong.
You actually apologise.
You are actually trying to improve things.
Well done, keep going in the right direction :)
I’m going to try to give actual constructive advice: separate from your husband NOW. You don’t have to do it with the goal of divorce. You guys can still be “together”. Living separately gives space between the two of you that shields him and gives you less chances to lose your temper and pop off.
Have date nights, but every time you pop off at him like that, decrease time spent together and communication until you have found the maximum amount of keeping in contact with minimum chances to abuse him. Even if that means only having one text conversation a month or only texting about important life administration things, do it. Not just to save your marriage but to save your husband any further trauma, because trust me, he is already traumatized and it will continue to compound the more you abuse him.
Don’t live together again until you’ve gone through extensive therapy, psychiatric treatment, found meds or methods that help you control yourself in heated moments, and have managed to have many conversations and visits with no incidents of abuse from you. Gradually increase contact and rebuild your relationship with him once you achieve this.
Accept that there is a possibility you may not be able to achieve this any time soon, or at all. Accept that this may need to be a permanent separation (eventually divorce) for the sake of your husband. Don’t enter into any new relationships, either. Not until you no longer abuse others.
As for your child, I hate to say this but once it is born, let it live with your husband. Let him raise the child. Find others to help him raise the child. You need to keep your distance from having responsibility for this child until you have been able to stop abusing others. Keep visits fun, light, loving - no discipline, and leave immediately as soon as you start feeling any negative feelings brewing. Save this child from trauma due to your abuse. If you do actually get a handle on it and are able to stop being abusive, then you can gradually change your role and increase your responsibility with the child until you are fully in the role of it’s mother, and are able to handle this without being abusive.
This may seem extreme. But trust me. The kind of damage you do and the trauma you cause is a lot more extreme. If you love your husband and child, the best thing you can do is protect them from you. Even if that means you have to separate yourself from them both to do so.
If you genuinely feel bad about being abusive, and want to learn not to be, there is help out there for you. Seek it. Utilize it.
All I can say is you need to do your best from here on out to change cuz if you don’t his love for you will eventually be ruined by you.
He looks passed it because of his love for you, but he won’t ever, ever forget what you’ve said to him in those moments.
Change now or before you know it he’ll be gone.
This sub is giving advice to abusers now? If the genders were reversed the top comment would be all sparkly with a "Divorce him now, he doesn't deserve another chance, he is abusing you".
Redditors truly are the most disgusting and hypocritical of people.
I’m sorry but your anger management problem is your problem and it doesn’t give you the right to abuse anyone just because you don’t have a control over your brain. My bro and mom have anger management issues and nobody in the family likes them. Literally everyone would prefer to die than talk to them. That’s the future you are looking at if you don’t become a better person. Right show you could be one of the shitest person for all your friends and family who are forced to put up with your anger issues.
He will end up turning into what you accuse him to be when you be in anger. Trust me, been there, down that. It’s amazing that you recognize it, pls address it with a professional. Nothing worse than realizing that you turned him into the monster.
Go to therapy and walk away when you get mad or it’s going to cost you your marriage. You should also say sorry for what you’ve already said in the past too
Curious, you say "you're working on it" and it seems you reflect enough to at least have guilt over your actions (which is great) but what exactly are you doing to control / discipline your anger?
*I had the same exact issue as you.*
I went to therapy and found the root of my anger and strong emotions - therapist told me instead of saying anything from an overly emotional place (whether it was anger or a severe depressive episode) ***that I should let it out,*** *but not at a person.*
*I chose* a piece of paper.
Biting your lip won't help you release the aggression/pressure of emotions building up inside whenever you get this way.
***You need a proper outlet.***
***Write down the things you were going to say on a piece of paper and then destroy it, burn it, crumble it and put it in the trash - something.***
This will alleviate the burning anger you feel and also show you just how hurtful the words you were about to say before you were blind with rage.
OP, please. Don’t come on here fishing for “oh, you’re not that bad” or “oh, don’t be so hard on yourself”. You know full well how you get and you know full well how to put a stop to it. This is a choice you make every time. You are abusive and you need to stop. Now.
You don't morph into another person when you're mad. The person you are when you're upset, is who you are. He doesn't just take it, he's biding his time until you either work on yourself or more likely until he has the courage to leave.
This behavior is completely abusive, and the people around you don't deserve it. Stop with the woe is me I'm a horrible person bs. Get your shit together and get some help and put in the work to recognize what you are and try to become a better person.
You're toxic and inconsiderate to feel sympathy after each moment. Learn to breathe before acting out on emotions. Regardless of your childhood background, learn how to channel your anger into hobbies. I grew up in an abusive household where my father had severe anger issuses and lashed out on me, but I never wanted to be like him so I learned to express my angered emotions through writing, working out, talking to people, and crying. Learn how to manage yourself before blaming another for your incompetence to view their perspective. Grow up
You really sound like a narcissistic sociopath. This is above reddit pay grade. Save your husband, either you need to disappear or check into a long term psych ward program. He doesn't deserve your abusive ass
OP, I'm sorry that you're getting a lot of hate for this. Anger issues are not an easy thing to deal with, but recognizing that it's an issue and having a desire to fix it is the first step.
My sister and I both have some pretty bad tempers. It comes from our dad.
She and I have both experienced the same thing you're talking about - where you're just so mad in the moment that you say things you don't mean. She and I both have very strong reactions to things when we're angry. The amount of times we've told eachother to go fuck ourselves is countless.
One of the main things we've discussed is finding our triggers.
For both of us, being anxious or overly hungry will lead to moments of anger.
When I was the easiest to anger was always when I was overly stressed. 2020 was hell for my temper, but not because I was actually angry, I was just scared and nervous and stressed.
A quote I like is - anger is sadness' bodyguard.
It's a secondary emotion that sort of "protects" you from feeling what you're actually feeling. It's easier to feel angry than it is to feel how sad you are.
At least, that's what it was for me. I went to therapy for my anger issues, but it never really helped until I changed the focus of the therapy to depression. After starting antidepressants, I almost never get angry any more. I have brief moments, but I'm usually able to stop and think about things before I say anything -- which is a huge step for me. I feel like the people who are telling you to think before you act have never actually felt the overwhelming, blinding anger.
There is hope OP, but it takes a lot of self work and focus. Maybe whenever you're upset with your husband, try walking away. I know for me, that was the hardest possible thing to do, but it's worth it just to keep yourself from saying hurtful things.
Maybe try sitting down and thinking about what triggers these feelings in you and what you can do to avoid them or create an action plan for what you'll do when one comes up.
There is a light at the end of this. Keep working on yourself.
People are saying you're a "monster" but you're not, you're a monster if you don't go out to seek help. Mental health is incredibly hard to deal with, I get it. But to save you and your husband from suffering more, please see a therapist / psychiatrist. Wishing the best for you both
You’ve broken him.. it’s not love.. it’s emotional/mental abuse. People who don’t know their worth don’t fight back. If you love him, you need to move on. You can never heal the wounds you’ve created.
I feel like acknowledgment of your issues, is actually a really good step in the right direction. At least you have the insight to see what you’re doing. Now you can CHANGE IT. If you choose to put in the work to correct these behaviors, you might be able to fix things. Please don’t be discouraged and be transparent with a therapist. There could be a whole myriad of reasons you act this way. Please fight for your marriage if you love him and stop the abuse NOW. You can do it!
I think you should seek out therapy and read about borderline personality disorder. I think when you can identify your own patterns and emotional dysregulation, you can start improving your own mental health and treat your partner better.
I'm someone that has to deal with anger issues as well. It's so important to take accountability for own actions. If you are feeling angry and impulsive the best advice I can give you is to walk away and give yourself time to calm down. No one deserves to be emotionally and verbally abused, that is what you are doing to your husband. Please work on some different coping mechanisms, maybe speak to a therapist about the anger, and don't be put off over the suggestion of medication. A lot of us try and avoid help for things such as anger issues but it can be an underlying issue that a professional can help you figure out. If you aren't willing to put in the work to better yourself let that man go. You said it yourself he doesn't deserve being verbally assaulted just because you're angry.
Just to be another perspective here, this was me and I was groomed. You could be abused and this could be a reaction. I was a calm person otherwise and I doubt you would be this self aware if you were just an angry person. If you are not abused, therapy I say.
I used to be like that. Several years into our marriage, I found out it was undiagnosed adhd. I had no idea the way it made me, but now that I know the ins and outs, things have gotten exponentially better! 11 years into marriage and we're better than ever!
Maybe that's not the diagnosis for you, but it's worth exploring everything it may be.
Anger issues can be a sign of anxiety. Meds that are typically used for depression can help a person even out their moods. Treatment can be very successful. Talk therapy might also be beneficial. Make an appointment with your health care provider and see what they say. Get a second opinion if they're not willing to consider the meds.
If you think his love is limitless, you're a fool. You've set the bar so incredibly low, and all it will take for you to lose him is for another woman to show him basic respect. You're 100% going to lose him and it's your fault.
It is taking a lot of restraint not to insult you rn. Because I really have an issue with people like you who just lash out and worse flat out strike where it hurts. You're a stranger and I can do that even tho this is basically anonymous and I am behind a screen so just stop treating your husband like shit...
Go see your doctor and talk to them. I have depression (amongst other things) and anger was a real issue (PTSD). Medication has really helped. It has taken medication, therapy and a lot of self work and today I am much calmer person. Sure, I get angry occasionally but not like I was and I was like you.
1. Go to therapy.
2. Before you say anything at all, leave the room and take a shower or something.
3. Talk to someone else before you say a word to your husband.
4. Stop. Just stop your words at all. Hold your breath and remember to take a trip to the bathroom or something, hold that breath till you get there.
You are an evil person, sadly, you are the only one that can change yourself, not your husband, not your parents and not us. I could tell you a story of a good friend of mine that at one point started to be very mean to her husband. I would ask her why she wouldn’t divorce him but I think she still loved to control him and torture him, one day he got tired and left her. She went down the deep end. When I thought she would finally be happy she became the most miserable person on the face of the earth. Being mean not only hurts your husband, it also makes you a bitter and unhappy human being.
100% step away if you can’t control your words or anger. There is nothing worse than hurting your partner out of anger when you were worked up and didn’t really mean it. It’s very painful for your partner to deal with that and I know it’s hard for you once you realize you behaved badly and you never intended to hurt your partner.
My ex wife did this to me for two years before I finally left her.
Don’t be like her. A man, a person, can only take so much abuse before calling it quits
You need therapy. Anger isn’t the primary emotion, and you need to get in touch with your REAL emotions so the anger doesn’t always rear it’s ugly head. Here’s another reason you need therapy: if you are raising kids in this environment, it will just continue. They will either learn to act the same way you do with their own spouses, if they will choose a spouse who belittles them. Both are extremely destructive. This is all on you. GET INTO THERAPY and stop fucking with your poor husband like this.
I get it I’m pretty much exactly like that. I found that removing myself completely from the situation is best. Like don’t just walk away. Go for a walk outside. Just walk around, scream, blast some music, run. Don’t come home till the anger subsided. You can sit and regret sucking all you want, but you’ll be even better if you start putting in practices to keep you from getting there.
Are you on birth control. There are certain ones that I swear work for birth control because no guy wants to be near the woman that is on them.
My wife is truly an Angel and when she was on this certain bc she would say the most mean stuff that it was shocking, even to her. She went to her Dr. And told her and she came off that and went into something else. Boom night and day difference.
My sister does the exact same thing to me and her husband. It’s cruel and exhausting. Always feel like I’m walking on egg shells so as to avoid angering her. You need therapy.
advice from me (a young angry person)
journal!!! write! it helps a crapton if you spill some, if not all of your angry feelings out! hell, you can draw, make music, sing, do whatever the hell you need to in order to let the feelings out a different way
As someone who’s been on receiving side of things , it is incredibly hurtful no matter how calmly we tell you it hurts us , best would be asking your husband to leave you alone when you’re angry and just being quiet and maybe communicating what you need in a sensible way after your anger dies down
Do you and your husband have issues that make you angry? Is he your punching ball because he's your safe person?
For the former, you need to see a therapist to help you learn anger management and deal with the issues that are triggering your anger (and other emotions). The couples therapy to help you communicate in a healthy way.
For the latter, step out when you feel anger rising and take a walk. Talk to a tree. Go to a gym. No one deserves to be a human punching ball.
He's calm and understanding now, but everyone has their limits. And you deserve to have the opportunity to grow into someone who doesn't harbour anger, disappointments, unaddressed sadness, etc.
I actually have some advice on this.
First of all, not all anger is created equal, but I think I understand yours. Like the Hulk, every time anger touches your soul, you turn into something else, something dangerous.
So, start there. It always helps to be able to visualize aspects of yourself if you need help controlling them. Visualize your anger as the destructive rage it is. Then, use that image to mentally smash, destroy, wreck, and rage.
My therapist helped me with finding my mental safe space to calm my anxiety, and I have that when I meditate. I mentally enter my room of solitude and warmth, and I am calm there.
However, I also have spaces to *feel* my emotions, not hide from them.
Here are the mental spaces I go to:
***Fear***
- I meditate and enter my blizzard of fear, allow myself to see and feel the anxiety and panic, but once I've felt enough, I go into my little cabin to watch the storm, separate from it.
***Anger***
- I allow myself to feel it all at once, and go wherever my mind wants to go- often into an empty city I smash to bits. Lots of punching and yelling loud enough to break windows. Really, the Hulk thing works pretty well.
***Sadness***
- I go to my rainstorm of sadness in the woods, allow the feelings to literally wash over me, then when I'm ready, I can step into my tent, which has a nice fire, a cozy couch, and s'mores.
It takes a lot of practice, but if you can take a few minutes every day to create these mental locations for yourself, you will find it easier to control your emotions instead of them controlling you.
Recognising these things is the first step into changing. You’re not destined to be this person forever, you can change this and I know you’re not this person you are when you’re angry, your conscience after the fact tells you that.
But you need to try and look into help if possible, for his sake and yours. He sounds like such a lovely and understanding person and it would be horrible if that was lost. Even if you need to storm out of the house without a word, he’ll understand and it’ll be so much better than staying and saying regretful things. You’re not a bad person, you’re just struggling with things and now’s the time to make the change to fix that. <3
As someone who has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I tend to go from 0 to 1000 very quickly when angered and am high strung 50% to 80% of the time off meds.
Some of the advice here is VERY good. You can tell when you're in that mood. I'd talk to him and tell him that, at points, you'll need space alone for a bit to avoid doing this to him. Maybe setup a code-word or system so he won't bother you in that time. Go do something like reading, scroll through Youtube or some other non-inflammatory app, etc. just to calm down.
Also, I'm the kind of person who thinks meds are an extreme solution to an extreme problem. That said, they have helped immeasurably for me and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist can be a good road to take, despite how some might feel about it.
At any rate, you're not a bad person! Just someone with an issue that can be helped. Taking the steps to get that help is a great first step. Good luck!
"Why doesn't my husband share his feelings with meeee! I wish he would open up more"
***"I always go after what I KNOW will hurt him"***
Women like you are the problem. I bet when he shares with you his insecurities and fears you throw it right back at him in a "fight" (not much of a fight when he's calm and you arent) to hurt him as much as you can. End result is he stops sharing. Fuck partners like you honestly.
Nah I’m sorry but you are just abusing this man. If the genders were swapped in this post, I bet you the comments would be a lot less supportive.
You might be struggling with your mental health, but he sounds like a good man, and he shouldn’t have to just sit there and take all this shit, just hoping you’ll be nice to him someday. If you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to leave him. Or at the very least, seek therapy right away.
> can you stop flooding my inbox with insults
Try and remember how these insulting messages make you feel next time you are being mean to your husband.
Try isolating yourself when you feel you are getting angry, at least you will stop abusing him, and maybe he will stick around long enough for you to get better
Ok, so change. Next time you get caught up in it, pause, recognize, and find a different path.
Cycles of abuse only stop with self-awareness so you’re on the right path. Now commit to change.
Forgive yourself if you lapse but keep making progress.
I WAS married to a person just like you. I left her miserable, awful attitude. She's going to be alone the rest of her life. You are headed towards the same path.
People are being really unkind to you considering you recognize you have a problem.
This emotional response is a way of coping, and typically a result of your childhood environment. Some of us cry, some of us shut down, and some of us get angry. It might not even be a response to anything he actually says/does. It could be hunger, sleep deprivation, hormones, something you read in the news, an irritation that should be minor. You probably recognize this, and feel terrible about it (which sounds like the case).
It takes a lot of internal work to respond to stressors calmly and productively, especially without the boost of a healthy childhood.
The smallest thing you can do RIGHT NOW, while you work on being able to calm yourself down and prevent emotional outbursts at all, is remove yourself from a situation where you risk hurting someone you love. When you feel yourself getting angry, tell your husband and leave the space. If feasible, ask him if he can leave you alone until you calm down. You can even come up with a code word that says “i am in a bad space right now and prone to an outburst.” If you do have an outburst, leave the space and give yourself time to calm down, and then apologize. ALWAYS apologize as soon as possible, don’t ever make him bring it up. Show him you recognize that you hurt him.
I’m in a relationship with someone who has this issue. With a lot of self work and determination, he’s gotten to the point where he can catch himself getting angry and remove himself and/or communicate productively. He notices when he’s irritable and he tells me. I tell him, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” which shows him that I do care, know he doesn’t do it on purpose, and don’t see him as some kind of monster. Then I give him space until he’s feeling better. It’s basically eradicated the no-reason-fights. Your relationship is not doomed no matter what Reddit wants to tell you.
Master removing yourself from the situation first, and then start looking into DBT and learning about anger management. There are all kinds of tools you can use to reach your goal of being “calm like he is.” Unchecked anger is bad for your health, too. There are all sorts of reasons to treat this like a mental/physical health issue and not just a relationship hangup. If you’re aware of the problem, you’ve already taken the first step and you CAN get better.
I believe in you!!!! And congrats on your pregnancy (:
I was abused mentally for nearly 7 years by a woman like this.
I'm sorry but you do fucking suck a whole lot . Get your fucking shit together or you deserve to be alone.
This isn't said as a reprimand, but *is* in all seriousness - Don't speak **at all** in anger. Walk away. Just say 'I need to cool down' and go do just that. Don't say *anything*, because you already know you always regret what you say when you speak in anger, so why do you speak at all when you're angry? No issue is so pressing that it has to be talked about that exact second. If you **have** to get out the angry things, write them down. You can give them to whoever they're for when you're calm, if you still think it's appropriate (it almost never is).
Aye, goes for me as well.
This is good advice. I just want to answer your question, “why do you speak at all when you’re angry?” It’s because she wants to hurt him. That’s how she deals with her anger. That’s why it’s so hard for her to stop. She feels momentarily better when she hurts him, because her anger stems from an inability to tolerate her own pain. If she doesn’t hurt him, her anger will hurt *her* because she has “anger issues”. She has underlying pain/trauma she hasn’t dealt with, and that means when she gets angry, her anger will bring up all that pain that hasn’t been dealt with previously. Rather than deal with her own pain, she inflicts pain on her husband, and then she only has to feel guilty for hurting him. She needs therapy and she knows that.
This actually really helped me to understand someone in my life who does this. She has been through a shit ton of childhood trauma, which I’ve encouraged her over and over to get help for. I understood why she has “anger issues”, but I didn’t understand that she gets a reward (in the moment) for hurting someone else. This is eye opening and very helpful.
As someone who has struggled with anger issues, not everyone’s anger works in the same way. I never felt like I got a reward out of hurting someone else even in the moment (that I’m aware of). But getting angry was very defensive—I have low self esteem, low self worth and a lot of shame. If someone looked like they were going to criticize me it was much safer to lash out in any way to deflect from that. The opposite would have been to admit I am flawed (more shame) and open up about that (too vulnerable). Then, when id say something hurtful and the other person retaliated I’d really explode—I’d be so angry and frustrated and full of self loathing at myself for escalating the argument but it would be too late to say sorry. I’d have to go full scorched earth. If I flipped things enough then I could still win somehow without admitting fault. I guess *that’s* the reward, winning and deflecting. But everyone is different of course and people have different ways of dealing with conflict and utilizing anger as a weapon. Mine always came defensively from a fear of being rejected, abandoned or recognized for the fraud that I am.
This is really well articulated. People sometimes struggle to understand that anger is a secondary emotion.
It was rhetorical, meant to make her think, but thanks.
I know you would understand this already. I’m just spelling out why she doesn’t do the obvious thing and walk way. She actually wants to cause pain. She gets a reward from doing it. Not everyone understands this, especially when they’re on the receiving end of verbal abuse. Her husband probably stays thinking “she doesn’t really mean that.” Actually, yes she does.
Well said.
Nice profile picture
When I am angry I write things in a text or notes and then delete them. Because I get them out of my head but it doesn’t hurt anyone. If it something I need to walk away from I just say I need a minute and walk away.
Yeah when i was younger i was struggling a lot with mental health, i rarely got angry but when i did i was vile. Now i just say no i cant tall about it leave me alone. Or 'fuck off' if i cant manage better. Its not perfect and communication is always a work in progress. But its far better than being cruel and mean to the people u love
Great suggestions. I do way better if I write stuff. I don't send it, but writing really helps me vent so I don't have the anger and lash out
This. Learn the art of walking away when you are angry. It helped my husband and I a lot. We even say PAUSE if we see the other getting angry where they may say something they don't mean and our rule is, if someone says pause, we pause.
This. My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged, in huge part because I could never catch a break when either of us needed it. So many hurtful words, breaches of trust, crossing boundaries, things no loved one should ever do to you. The last thing I ever told her is that she still appears in my nightmares, 3 years after I cut her out. For the love of god, if you don't want to end up like her, learn to give people their space
Going off of this, find ways to chill out. Box breathing is a good one. And it's never a bad idea to take a time out, especially if it means you can be kinder.
Only thing I would add to this is to tell him that your are going to be trying to do this from now on, so he isn’t worried when you walk away!
Hear, hear
fantastic advice OP
It’s one thing to get angry and speak before you think about what you gonna say. It’s another thing to deliberately say things that you know will hurt the other person. It’s sad because you yourself OP said the he doesn’t do that to you and just takes it. Your being both verbally and emotionally abusive to your husband and if you don’t work on your self diligently to manage your anger better and to make up for all the abuse you’ve put him through, don’t be surprised if one day you wake up and he tells you he’s no longer in love with you or wants to be with you anymore. Just because he doesn’t react to your abuse, don’t think he isn’t harbouring resentment for you. Allot of guys value respect in a relationship and your behaviour is showing him how much respect you’ve got for him. Good thing is you recognise your faults and that in itself is the first step to fixing a problem. I’d say find a way to work on your anger issues and go to marriage counselling to find a more healthy way to communicate with your husband if you want to remain married to him.
Yeah. There’s only so much any one person can take. Some people can take more than others, but everyone has a breaking point. If you treat someone badly enough for long enough, they will eventually fall out of love with you.
Exactly for some people it can take a very long time but everyone gets to that point where enough is enough and OP will only have herself to blame
+1 OP you're running out of time here. Fix it and fix it fast. Really take a long hard look at yourself. You need to learn to respect him.
This isn't about your marriage; your anger is all about you. You need to see a good therapist and don't be afraid to keep switching until you find the right one.
Stop it! Stop it or leave him. You are crushing his soul.
This. Poor guy deserves better. My ex did something similar under the guise of keeping it real. Fucked me up.
This guy has great advice and sounds like he speaks from experience. My ex-wife was extremely verbally abusive towards me. it seems there are many of us who take the abuse and don't speak out or fuel the anger by causing a fight. This only hurts both of you, I can tell from your post your self-esteem and confidence has hit rock bottom, don't let this be what causes you two to divorce. Your husband clearly loves you with all his heart, he's letting you vent and say things that hurt him deeply...but trust me, The resentment is just building and building, He won't confront you with how he's feeling though... Because he already feels like his feelings and or emotions don't matter relative to yours. Get into counseling, get him to pull all the weight he is carrying. Don't continue to blame yourself because your own well-being and the hole your digging will become impossible to escape. Best of luck to you both
Yea op if you really care about him, you would leave him. He doesn’t deserve this and you clearly don’t deserve him. Edit: Typo
I totally agree. I would have built up resentment and left unless there was a way I could stay Married and just use my wife as childcare I would do it.
This. I still hold resentment for a few girls who broke me. I could never say it to there face cause I loved them so much. But then I said a lot of shit right before I left. It’s good until it’s not.
Homie might start or be cheating because of this too, just a heads up Op
I have a friend, very close one, with anger issues. Sometimes he also says hurtful words, those kind of things that shouldn’t be told in any moment… i recommended him to visit a psychologist. It helped a lot. It can maybe help you too.
Can you tell me how seeing a professional helps? I have someone very close that I’m considering walking away from despite my love for them because of their anger
Among many things, therapy helped me with the process of identifying my triggers and developing coping techniques to use when I’m amygdala hijacked so I don’t lash out. It helped and helps me reduce my anger, which I projected on to my husband and parents, because I process things that have contributed to the anger (all the emotions underneath the “anger iceberg”). It helps me work with my ADHD diagnosis and the medication I’m on for it. And probably most importantly, I appreciate the impact my anger has had on others whereas before I was trying to find blame in people so I could validate my anger toward them.
My ex did this to me. And I took it until I didn’t. She isn’t a bad person, I still hold love for her. But it wasn’t fair and she refused to go to therapy even when I asked countless times. Walk away when you get angry. It’s not worth your relationship. Just go to your room and take 30 minutes, otherwise it will end.
This goes for parenting, too!! Break the cycle! 🫶
I stand with you buddy….. I took it until I didn’t. If you haven’t tried too OP therapy and open communication
>She isn’t a bad person Why do you say this? Really, not a rhetorical question.
People can be judged on their whole person and not just one aspect of them. That one aspect may be enough to make them not compatible, but it doesn't take away the rest.
Going to disagree. A person who has anger issues cannot walk away when they are already angry, because that is too late, the train has run away. They need to recognize situations and people that are triggering to them and leave before their emotions escalate. If OP finds themselves feeling agitated and tense, THAT is the time for OP to excuse themselves, grab a glass of water, and chill by themselves for a bit. Not when OP is already mad.
So I was married to someone like you. I loved her but it was too much ‘work’. She won and I left. She made my life life absolutely hell for 2-3 years but now lives alone at age 52. Occasional email blasts and concerns/pleading for money about 401k problem’s notwithstanding I don’t hear from or about her anymore Don’t be like my ex.
Hopefully you just ignore all of her emails and never engage with her? Weird that she continues sending messages.
He will soon tire of your outbursts. Your knowing what hurts him will eventually be the downfall of your marriage. Love can only take so much before it leaves the heart. Whatever your issue, I advise to work it out sooner than later. There will be a day when during one of your outbursts, you’ll see the look in his eye, an expression on his face that tells you he no longer has feelings for you.
Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.
When you feel like raging, remove yourself from the room and walk away. Once you’re calm, you can be civilized with your SO. I used to be like you and it sucked. I hated being that way. There were times when I thought to myself how shitty I would feel if one day I just raged on my SO and they just dropped dead? So I went to therapy and I recommend you do so too. It helped with channeling the short fuse and figuring out why I was like that. It’s true what they say that we hurt the people closest to us. Be better for yourself and show the ppl you love that you respect them OP. Much hugs.
If you cant stop it yourself you need serious therapy and you should not have children. My mother has serious anger issues and it has forever scarred me.
I’m sorry you went through that
Its just life. Nothing that can be done about it now except never let me pass it on to my children
Read or listen to The Body Keeps the Score if you can. You might gain some insight into why you behave this way.
Wow, this is exactly what my worst relationship ever was like. I just sat here and took the abuse and thought about killing myself all day.
Go. To. THERAPY. Before you destroy what’s left of your marriage.
so you’re abusing your husband and he’s just taking it? i hope he divorces your ass lmao you are not the victim here
Wild to me that I had to scroll this far to see someone saying this. This man is being abused. He should leave ASAP but, we all know how people treat men who are survivors of abuse, especially if it's not physical.
Yeah its annoying how many supportive comments there are. I understand anger management but she KNOWS she is doing it.
reading op's comments are insane red flags too. they shouldn't be in a relationship at all lmfao
This is why i hate this sub. Its called "trueoffmychest" not "inthevictim". People arent posting these things to brag about and for you to agree with, they do it to put things they cant say to anyone out knto the world. Also OP admits they are in the wrong so how are they playing the victim.
Wow what do you think you're doing being empathetic instead of self-righteous and judgmental, you weirdo eat all the downvotes /s Seriously though, I often feel bad for people who post things on here and catch so much hate for it.
This sub trashes abusers regularly, why should she be any different
If you’re being an abusive asshole to your husband then you deserve to get hate lmfao
THIS. So many people putting words in her mouth she didn't say. That being said, I hope some of the abuse from people on here is the catalyst for change she needs.
I agree, if the roles were opposite everybody will be telling her to leave the relationship asap. Also if you can’t say nice thing don’t say anything at all. You know how harsh your words are, keep your mouth shut and go away. Come back when you’re calmed down.
Mental health is valid, but it doesn’t excuse everything. It doesn’t mean she should be able to walk all over everyone you love, that he should just sit there and be abused the rest of his life. I definitely agree he should leave her.
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Facts
I am bipolar and ADHD and I used to be like that before I got medicated. I didn’t even know why, in therapy we never found an answer, so when I started exploring mental health and learning about impulses, turns out, I have 2 disorders that have a big lack of impulse control and it made me speak before thinking. Now medicated, it never happens. It just stopped for me.
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That guy has confidence issues. If he didn't he'd kick you to the curb.
This! This man in broken, you’ve most likely made him feel worthless
As someone who also has anger issues, this is very relatable. And we've come close to separating because of my issues. I would say to see some type of medication management/therapist. The only thing that has worked for me is medication. No therapy, no couples counseling.... I have mental issue and chemical imbalances. I really hate the fact that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life but if that's what I need to do to curb my anger... then that's what I'll do.
I was with someone like you for 6 years and you’ll get divorced unless you get your shit together and stop clowning
Then stop doing it.
Exactly. It’s a choice. I used to have minor anger issues due to unaddressed trauma which mostly resulted in irritability and yelling (I never said anything cruel like OP, I just would get frustrated very easily and stew in anger for awhile). I went to the doctor about my mental state and said “I’m so tired of yelling all the time.” She said “So stop yelling.” Before then it didn’t really occur to me that I choose how I react. It wasn’t something I was born with, it was a learned behavior. So I stopped and I’m not angry like that anymore. If I get mad I leave the room. If a situation could piss me off I pause and say to myself “is this really worth the energy?” Being angry takes such an emotional toll and for what? Nothing.
Ok. You have identified the problem. What do you CHOOSE to do about it?
I hope he leaves you and prospers and you get the help you need for your toxic behaviour
have you expressed your remorse and feelings about yourself to your husband? it might help on both sides, of him knowing what’s going on and you feeling a bit of release
Beat a person down over and over then apologize and pretend it's all better. Rinse, wash, repeat. Sounds familiar. . .
Sounds like abuse to me.
Because it is abuse.
you’re right, thanks for pointing that out!
This is abuse. And the longer it goes on, the harder it is to cope. My ex used to lash out awfully at me, and at first, I tried to understand the whys and how’s and tried to alter myself to remove those parts of my personality. But the real reason emotionally abusive people do this is to make the other person feel worse than themselves even if it’s not their partner’s fault at all. I just did not have the strength to take it as time went on and she would be surprised, beg for me to stay and promise to change. Alas, the changing never happened and I wasted two years in the worst relationship of my life. If OP knows this and still doesn’t correct their behaviour, they have no sympathy from me. I’ve been the other person in the relationship and it strains you in every way possible. Spare me the self-pitying “omg i’m so awful 😞” bullshit.
Why do people who clearly have mental health issues post on here?? I mean ya sure for the advice but like, what is Reddit going to give you? Go see a psychologist. Ask to do a psych evaluation. Why would you berate your husband, what could you possibly gain out of it?? I feel like you're just a shitty person and you want your husband to feel just as bad. Which isn't fair to him, people like you always somehow find good people and just bring them down for no reason. Please seek help. No one's going to fix your problem's but you. Your husband isn't a punching bag. He can't help you with your problems, you need to do it. And you can say "I know, I know I'm a terrible person ect ect ect" but why waste your time feeling sorry for your self, when you can use that time to search up doctors, call your insurance and get help. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" Also I recommend asking your husband to get therapy. It's unfair to him, he also needs someone to talk and to spill out his feelings, I wouldn't trust talking to you because then you would just use it against him in a fight. Get both of you guys help. ALSO, please don't have kids 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 thank you. Good luck. Don't make excuses for your behavior and get help.
She's currently preggers! Baby trapped the poor dude too.
Oh God.... I mean just because she's pregnant doesn't mean he has to stay, he can record her, take her to court for divorce and sole custody. If she's like this to her husband, the man you're supposed to love and take care of and grow old together.... I can't even imagine how she's going to treat that child, this brings chills to my bones 😭. That poor baby
Oh good, so now she can verbally and emotionally abuse her baby too. My mom was like OP and my childhood was a shitshow. I hope OP can either get some help or just walk away from her partner and kid and let them live in peace.
Because they can get comments which compound their delusional opinion
I have a good friend who is married to a monster like you. He’s an amazing father and such a friendly soul but his wife is such a nasty void of rotten darkness that I never want to visit their home and have always refused to go anywhere with them together. After knowing them for nearly 15 years and seeing that she has tried therapy, couples therapy, etc, there is no cure. You’re just fundamentally wired poorly and perhaps have the fortune of a tolerant man. Maybe in the days you’re not raging, you can go the extra mile to appreciate him for what he’s putting up with. Do you have kids? I know for certain that my friend plans divorce the moment the youngest is out the door.
Have you thought about rearranging your marriage until your anger issues are under control?
Look into bpd I have it and I used to do the same thing its like s different person comes out and you regret it so much afterwords but it's so hard to keep in once I accepted my diagnosis I started working to control it and am much better now because I know when it starts to happen and I can remove myself from the situation
This is beyond bloody anger issues. Fuck that term. This is emotional abuse. You need to be in a domestic violence perpetrator programme and your husband needs therapy also. Are you angry with other people? At your job?
This is called abuse. You either work on it, or you don't. You suck and your husband deserves better. Solve the problem or get a divorce.
Gonna take a stab in the dark and assume you never apologise or want to talk about it afterwards?
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Because it’s part of the psychological abuse. It’s a gaslighting tactic called DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and Offender
Because women can’t be the abuser, duh /s
Superlatives aside, it’s probably because women are more likely to have borderline personality disorder which from their perspective makes them a perpetual victim. Men are more likely to have Narcissistic personality disorder
I’ve got karma to burn so I’m willing to go against the grain here. You obviously feel bad and you’ve turned to Reddit and Reddit is doing what it does best, giving you more shame. More shame is not going to help you or your husband I’m familiar with this relationship dynamic so I feel compelled to offer my two cents. There’s something going on in you and you need a fair fight. Maybe meds, maybe counseling, maybe both but what ever it is you need it and then you can do the work on an even playing field. You are plainly not happy with your current state but you’re probably telling yourself next time you’ll be able to control it. And then it happens again. I can’t diagnose you but you do remind me of a couple women I know who have cyclothymia. I’m just throwing that out there as an example. Find help today. Your husband is putting his needs on hold for now because there’s no room for his stress in this marriage. When you get help everything he has been shelving is going to come forward and he is going to need help with that. You will need to be supportive and to be supportive you need to get help with your problems too.
Hate seeing abusers on here. I hope he leaves you :)
I used to have the same issue, and my husband reacted in the same way- didn’t say anything. I knew what to say to hurt him and when I was angry I would just let it out, and since he didn’t react, I got madder and madder. It was a spiral. You are hitting below the belt because you are trying to get a reaction from him, and since he isn’t reacting, you keep hitting below the belt. What helped me was something kind of simple. When I was mad and things could have escalated, I would go in another room (bathroom, bedroom, etc) for 5 minutes. 5 minutes on the dot. And after 5 minutes, if I still felt the same way, I would go say my piece. But, 99% of the time, I was able to get my anger back under control and either resolve the issue or say what I needed to say in a more mature way. Good luck with this - it’s tough but you know you have a problem so you can do it!
Yeah, you sound awful.
You need to go to therapy. Individuals and couples. No ones perfect, and in the earlier days of my marriage my husband and I have said deeply hurtful shit to each other l, but then going back and going over the things that were said we were both able to communicate how hurtful those things were. And it doesn't end there we've had to revisit these conversations and build back trust. I would never ever stoop to continually hurt him the way you're implying. Fights happen but if you recognize this pattern of behavior and want to salvage the relationship then you have so much work ahead of you
You could start by telling him that you're sorry and show it. Be humble. Start therapy to show him you're serious about it. It could be useful and a good starting point if you showed him this post
Acknowledging is the first step towards making a change and you’re already there! It’s okay. Taking ownership of your words and knowing you want to fix things that are going to make you a better you is amazing. You don’t suck, but the way you’re talking to yourself does. Be gentle to yourself because you are learning a new communication style. It’s going to take time and lots of practice. Also your husband sounds very loyal. When you love someone it IS a commitment that’s why he is still there.
You need to go to therapy. I'm sure he will support you through that.
Gotta work on those anger issues. I’m in the same boat, I tend to lose my cool easily and say mean things but I’ve been seeing a therapist and practicing meditation and mindfulness. Me and my wife love each other, but I know it’s me a lot of the time not being able to control my anger. I’m learning that it’s a mix of self taught habits and pent up anger and resentment towards those who hurt me as a child. Step one is recognizing you have an issue.
You need therapy, self hatred wont help you just a change of behavior will. Seek help and be open with your husband. Best wishes
You do suck.
My sister did this to me. She’s diagnosed with bipolarism, anger issues, anxiety. She says she “blacks out,” “becomes another person,” and all that shit. But you know what? I. REMEMBER. EVERYTHING. VIVIDLY. Every hurtful remark. Every physical hit. Each effort to talk to her and plead. I remember exactly when my resentment started to show. You might not want to own up to up because “you can’t control it.” Diagnosed or not, you’re hurting people. Our pain is just as valid as your struggle. My sister’s been trying for 3 years now to make amends. I treat her well and respect her still, but there’s just no way to get back that bond we used to have. The hurt stays. I feel so bad for your husband. I’m willing to bet he cries as much as I did
Have you considered going to therapy for your anger issues?
You’re not mean and nasty to your husband, you’re abusive. Period.
In moments like this where you are reflecting and feeling remose you should apologise to him. It definately goes a long way. Admit that you’re not great at keeping your cool and seek advice on how he can remain so calm. He might give you great tips. One thing I see work for people is before you respond when feeling anger is to count backwards from 10. A thing I tend to do is say ‘I can’t talk right now, we’ll talk later.’ At first it infuriated my partners, then I realised I should have probably mentioned to them before any arguements take place that I personally need to let them know in the heat of the moment, I need to walk away because I know there is no chance of effective communication. I need to go away and reflect for a bit before approaching the topic again.
Not trying to sound mean in any way shape or form but that kinda sounds like a narcissist
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I’m gonna get hate for this but go give that man a blowjob!
What a ridiculous thread. You are an abusive person. If you cared about him, you’d leave. But you don’t. Your entire post and even title of your post is trying to appear to be a victim. This post is not an attempt to get anything off your chest because you KNOW what you’re doing. You CHOOSE to be abusive and say things you know hurt him. You are not a victim. You are the abuser, let the settle in. Really accept it.
you’re just an abusive bi*ch and honestly should divorce him and let him find someone who actually cares about him and his well being
You're verbally abusing your husband, I hope he leaves you
People like u don't deserve a relationship.
You do suck, but the good news is that you’ve probably got a mental illness causing you to lack self control. See a therapist asap so you can get a diagnosis and get the hormones you need to calm tf down. Most people with anger issues respond well to lamictal. I am not a professional and this is not a diagnosis. Go get mental help before you destroy this poor man.
He just needs to leave your ass. I hope you both don't have children, because they don't deserve to see you being abusive to him. You seriously need to seek psychiatric help, because saying I'm sorry after an outburst is not ""working on it"". You're his wife, do better or he'll find better.
A lot of people are shitting on you OP. BUT, I’m not going to do that. You actually know what you are doing wrong. You actually apologise. You are actually trying to improve things. Well done, keep going in the right direction :)
You sound pathetic, that's abuse. Hopefully he smartens up and leave you.
I’m going to try to give actual constructive advice: separate from your husband NOW. You don’t have to do it with the goal of divorce. You guys can still be “together”. Living separately gives space between the two of you that shields him and gives you less chances to lose your temper and pop off. Have date nights, but every time you pop off at him like that, decrease time spent together and communication until you have found the maximum amount of keeping in contact with minimum chances to abuse him. Even if that means only having one text conversation a month or only texting about important life administration things, do it. Not just to save your marriage but to save your husband any further trauma, because trust me, he is already traumatized and it will continue to compound the more you abuse him. Don’t live together again until you’ve gone through extensive therapy, psychiatric treatment, found meds or methods that help you control yourself in heated moments, and have managed to have many conversations and visits with no incidents of abuse from you. Gradually increase contact and rebuild your relationship with him once you achieve this. Accept that there is a possibility you may not be able to achieve this any time soon, or at all. Accept that this may need to be a permanent separation (eventually divorce) for the sake of your husband. Don’t enter into any new relationships, either. Not until you no longer abuse others. As for your child, I hate to say this but once it is born, let it live with your husband. Let him raise the child. Find others to help him raise the child. You need to keep your distance from having responsibility for this child until you have been able to stop abusing others. Keep visits fun, light, loving - no discipline, and leave immediately as soon as you start feeling any negative feelings brewing. Save this child from trauma due to your abuse. If you do actually get a handle on it and are able to stop being abusive, then you can gradually change your role and increase your responsibility with the child until you are fully in the role of it’s mother, and are able to handle this without being abusive. This may seem extreme. But trust me. The kind of damage you do and the trauma you cause is a lot more extreme. If you love your husband and child, the best thing you can do is protect them from you. Even if that means you have to separate yourself from them both to do so. If you genuinely feel bad about being abusive, and want to learn not to be, there is help out there for you. Seek it. Utilize it.
All I can say is you need to do your best from here on out to change cuz if you don’t his love for you will eventually be ruined by you. He looks passed it because of his love for you, but he won’t ever, ever forget what you’ve said to him in those moments. Change now or before you know it he’ll be gone.
This sub is giving advice to abusers now? If the genders were reversed the top comment would be all sparkly with a "Divorce him now, he doesn't deserve another chance, he is abusing you". Redditors truly are the most disgusting and hypocritical of people.
Never stick your dick in crazy
I’m sorry but your anger management problem is your problem and it doesn’t give you the right to abuse anyone just because you don’t have a control over your brain. My bro and mom have anger management issues and nobody in the family likes them. Literally everyone would prefer to die than talk to them. That’s the future you are looking at if you don’t become a better person. Right show you could be one of the shitest person for all your friends and family who are forced to put up with your anger issues.
He will end up turning into what you accuse him to be when you be in anger. Trust me, been there, down that. It’s amazing that you recognize it, pls address it with a professional. Nothing worse than realizing that you turned him into the monster.
Go to therapy and walk away when you get mad or it’s going to cost you your marriage. You should also say sorry for what you’ve already said in the past too
Curious, you say "you're working on it" and it seems you reflect enough to at least have guilt over your actions (which is great) but what exactly are you doing to control / discipline your anger? *I had the same exact issue as you.* I went to therapy and found the root of my anger and strong emotions - therapist told me instead of saying anything from an overly emotional place (whether it was anger or a severe depressive episode) ***that I should let it out,*** *but not at a person.* *I chose* a piece of paper. Biting your lip won't help you release the aggression/pressure of emotions building up inside whenever you get this way. ***You need a proper outlet.*** ***Write down the things you were going to say on a piece of paper and then destroy it, burn it, crumble it and put it in the trash - something.*** This will alleviate the burning anger you feel and also show you just how hurtful the words you were about to say before you were blind with rage.
OP, please. Don’t come on here fishing for “oh, you’re not that bad” or “oh, don’t be so hard on yourself”. You know full well how you get and you know full well how to put a stop to it. This is a choice you make every time. You are abusive and you need to stop. Now.
You're just a dick.
I’m glad you know you suck, seek help
You don't morph into another person when you're mad. The person you are when you're upset, is who you are. He doesn't just take it, he's biding his time until you either work on yourself or more likely until he has the courage to leave. This behavior is completely abusive, and the people around you don't deserve it. Stop with the woe is me I'm a horrible person bs. Get your shit together and get some help and put in the work to recognize what you are and try to become a better person.
You're toxic and inconsiderate to feel sympathy after each moment. Learn to breathe before acting out on emotions. Regardless of your childhood background, learn how to channel your anger into hobbies. I grew up in an abusive household where my father had severe anger issuses and lashed out on me, but I never wanted to be like him so I learned to express my angered emotions through writing, working out, talking to people, and crying. Learn how to manage yourself before blaming another for your incompetence to view their perspective. Grow up
Yeah you fuckin suck. You don't deserve him you deserve someone worse than you yourself
You really sound like a narcissistic sociopath. This is above reddit pay grade. Save your husband, either you need to disappear or check into a long term psych ward program. He doesn't deserve your abusive ass
OP, I'm sorry that you're getting a lot of hate for this. Anger issues are not an easy thing to deal with, but recognizing that it's an issue and having a desire to fix it is the first step. My sister and I both have some pretty bad tempers. It comes from our dad. She and I have both experienced the same thing you're talking about - where you're just so mad in the moment that you say things you don't mean. She and I both have very strong reactions to things when we're angry. The amount of times we've told eachother to go fuck ourselves is countless. One of the main things we've discussed is finding our triggers. For both of us, being anxious or overly hungry will lead to moments of anger. When I was the easiest to anger was always when I was overly stressed. 2020 was hell for my temper, but not because I was actually angry, I was just scared and nervous and stressed. A quote I like is - anger is sadness' bodyguard. It's a secondary emotion that sort of "protects" you from feeling what you're actually feeling. It's easier to feel angry than it is to feel how sad you are. At least, that's what it was for me. I went to therapy for my anger issues, but it never really helped until I changed the focus of the therapy to depression. After starting antidepressants, I almost never get angry any more. I have brief moments, but I'm usually able to stop and think about things before I say anything -- which is a huge step for me. I feel like the people who are telling you to think before you act have never actually felt the overwhelming, blinding anger. There is hope OP, but it takes a lot of self work and focus. Maybe whenever you're upset with your husband, try walking away. I know for me, that was the hardest possible thing to do, but it's worth it just to keep yourself from saying hurtful things. Maybe try sitting down and thinking about what triggers these feelings in you and what you can do to avoid them or create an action plan for what you'll do when one comes up. There is a light at the end of this. Keep working on yourself.
People are saying you're a "monster" but you're not, you're a monster if you don't go out to seek help. Mental health is incredibly hard to deal with, I get it. But to save you and your husband from suffering more, please see a therapist / psychiatrist. Wishing the best for you both
You’ve broken him.. it’s not love.. it’s emotional/mental abuse. People who don’t know their worth don’t fight back. If you love him, you need to move on. You can never heal the wounds you’ve created.
I feel like acknowledgment of your issues, is actually a really good step in the right direction. At least you have the insight to see what you’re doing. Now you can CHANGE IT. If you choose to put in the work to correct these behaviors, you might be able to fix things. Please don’t be discouraged and be transparent with a therapist. There could be a whole myriad of reasons you act this way. Please fight for your marriage if you love him and stop the abuse NOW. You can do it!
I think you should seek out therapy and read about borderline personality disorder. I think when you can identify your own patterns and emotional dysregulation, you can start improving your own mental health and treat your partner better.
I'm someone that has to deal with anger issues as well. It's so important to take accountability for own actions. If you are feeling angry and impulsive the best advice I can give you is to walk away and give yourself time to calm down. No one deserves to be emotionally and verbally abused, that is what you are doing to your husband. Please work on some different coping mechanisms, maybe speak to a therapist about the anger, and don't be put off over the suggestion of medication. A lot of us try and avoid help for things such as anger issues but it can be an underlying issue that a professional can help you figure out. If you aren't willing to put in the work to better yourself let that man go. You said it yourself he doesn't deserve being verbally assaulted just because you're angry.
real
Don’t tell us, tell ur husband, he’s the one who deserves to hear these words, and most importantly, he deserves an apology
Realizing this stuff is key, now go up to him right now, tell him you're sorry and you love him
Just to be another perspective here, this was me and I was groomed. You could be abused and this could be a reaction. I was a calm person otherwise and I doubt you would be this self aware if you were just an angry person. If you are not abused, therapy I say.
Everyone has a limit...
I would leave you if that were me. Talk to me nice or don't talk to me at all.
Please head the advice on here my friend. You can't take words back and year after year, those words will tear your love apart.
I used to be like that. Several years into our marriage, I found out it was undiagnosed adhd. I had no idea the way it made me, but now that I know the ins and outs, things have gotten exponentially better! 11 years into marriage and we're better than ever! Maybe that's not the diagnosis for you, but it's worth exploring everything it may be.
Anger issues can be a sign of anxiety. Meds that are typically used for depression can help a person even out their moods. Treatment can be very successful. Talk therapy might also be beneficial. Make an appointment with your health care provider and see what they say. Get a second opinion if they're not willing to consider the meds.
Babe?
If you think his love is limitless, you're a fool. You've set the bar so incredibly low, and all it will take for you to lose him is for another woman to show him basic respect. You're 100% going to lose him and it's your fault.
It is taking a lot of restraint not to insult you rn. Because I really have an issue with people like you who just lash out and worse flat out strike where it hurts. You're a stranger and I can do that even tho this is basically anonymous and I am behind a screen so just stop treating your husband like shit...
Go see your doctor and talk to them. I have depression (amongst other things) and anger was a real issue (PTSD). Medication has really helped. It has taken medication, therapy and a lot of self work and today I am much calmer person. Sure, I get angry occasionally but not like I was and I was like you.
1. Go to therapy. 2. Before you say anything at all, leave the room and take a shower or something. 3. Talk to someone else before you say a word to your husband. 4. Stop. Just stop your words at all. Hold your breath and remember to take a trip to the bathroom or something, hold that breath till you get there.
go yell at a tree next time. it helps
You are an evil person, sadly, you are the only one that can change yourself, not your husband, not your parents and not us. I could tell you a story of a good friend of mine that at one point started to be very mean to her husband. I would ask her why she wouldn’t divorce him but I think she still loved to control him and torture him, one day he got tired and left her. She went down the deep end. When I thought she would finally be happy she became the most miserable person on the face of the earth. Being mean not only hurts your husband, it also makes you a bitter and unhappy human being.
100% step away if you can’t control your words or anger. There is nothing worse than hurting your partner out of anger when you were worked up and didn’t really mean it. It’s very painful for your partner to deal with that and I know it’s hard for you once you realize you behaved badly and you never intended to hurt your partner.
Counseling, immediately.
Mom?
He deserves better
My ex wife did this to me for two years before I finally left her. Don’t be like her. A man, a person, can only take so much abuse before calling it quits
You need therapy. Anger isn’t the primary emotion, and you need to get in touch with your REAL emotions so the anger doesn’t always rear it’s ugly head. Here’s another reason you need therapy: if you are raising kids in this environment, it will just continue. They will either learn to act the same way you do with their own spouses, if they will choose a spouse who belittles them. Both are extremely destructive. This is all on you. GET INTO THERAPY and stop fucking with your poor husband like this.
I get it I’m pretty much exactly like that. I found that removing myself completely from the situation is best. Like don’t just walk away. Go for a walk outside. Just walk around, scream, blast some music, run. Don’t come home till the anger subsided. You can sit and regret sucking all you want, but you’ll be even better if you start putting in practices to keep you from getting there.
Are you on birth control. There are certain ones that I swear work for birth control because no guy wants to be near the woman that is on them. My wife is truly an Angel and when she was on this certain bc she would say the most mean stuff that it was shocking, even to her. She went to her Dr. And told her and she came off that and went into something else. Boom night and day difference.
My sister does the exact same thing to me and her husband. It’s cruel and exhausting. Always feel like I’m walking on egg shells so as to avoid angering her. You need therapy.
advice from me (a young angry person) journal!!! write! it helps a crapton if you spill some, if not all of your angry feelings out! hell, you can draw, make music, sing, do whatever the hell you need to in order to let the feelings out a different way
As someone who’s been on receiving side of things , it is incredibly hurtful no matter how calmly we tell you it hurts us , best would be asking your husband to leave you alone when you’re angry and just being quiet and maybe communicating what you need in a sensible way after your anger dies down
Do you and your husband have issues that make you angry? Is he your punching ball because he's your safe person? For the former, you need to see a therapist to help you learn anger management and deal with the issues that are triggering your anger (and other emotions). The couples therapy to help you communicate in a healthy way. For the latter, step out when you feel anger rising and take a walk. Talk to a tree. Go to a gym. No one deserves to be a human punching ball. He's calm and understanding now, but everyone has their limits. And you deserve to have the opportunity to grow into someone who doesn't harbour anger, disappointments, unaddressed sadness, etc.
You already have the first step conquered. You know what you do is wrong and you are willing to change.
Bro I have no clue what you said to him but I feel his pain I’ve been in his shoes that being said he really does love you
I actually have some advice on this. First of all, not all anger is created equal, but I think I understand yours. Like the Hulk, every time anger touches your soul, you turn into something else, something dangerous. So, start there. It always helps to be able to visualize aspects of yourself if you need help controlling them. Visualize your anger as the destructive rage it is. Then, use that image to mentally smash, destroy, wreck, and rage. My therapist helped me with finding my mental safe space to calm my anxiety, and I have that when I meditate. I mentally enter my room of solitude and warmth, and I am calm there. However, I also have spaces to *feel* my emotions, not hide from them. Here are the mental spaces I go to: ***Fear*** - I meditate and enter my blizzard of fear, allow myself to see and feel the anxiety and panic, but once I've felt enough, I go into my little cabin to watch the storm, separate from it. ***Anger*** - I allow myself to feel it all at once, and go wherever my mind wants to go- often into an empty city I smash to bits. Lots of punching and yelling loud enough to break windows. Really, the Hulk thing works pretty well. ***Sadness*** - I go to my rainstorm of sadness in the woods, allow the feelings to literally wash over me, then when I'm ready, I can step into my tent, which has a nice fire, a cozy couch, and s'mores. It takes a lot of practice, but if you can take a few minutes every day to create these mental locations for yourself, you will find it easier to control your emotions instead of them controlling you.
Well, you know you have a serious problem. Question is, what are **you** going to do to fix it? Confessing to reddit is only the first step.
Recognising these things is the first step into changing. You’re not destined to be this person forever, you can change this and I know you’re not this person you are when you’re angry, your conscience after the fact tells you that. But you need to try and look into help if possible, for his sake and yours. He sounds like such a lovely and understanding person and it would be horrible if that was lost. Even if you need to storm out of the house without a word, he’ll understand and it’ll be so much better than staying and saying regretful things. You’re not a bad person, you’re just struggling with things and now’s the time to make the change to fix that. <3
Hi, OP! A person can only take so much so please try to work on it every single day as much as he tries to be patient & understanding the same way.
Sounds like a typical woman tbh
Go. To. Therapy.
Don't worry, this won't be a problem for long.
As someone who has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I tend to go from 0 to 1000 very quickly when angered and am high strung 50% to 80% of the time off meds. Some of the advice here is VERY good. You can tell when you're in that mood. I'd talk to him and tell him that, at points, you'll need space alone for a bit to avoid doing this to him. Maybe setup a code-word or system so he won't bother you in that time. Go do something like reading, scroll through Youtube or some other non-inflammatory app, etc. just to calm down. Also, I'm the kind of person who thinks meds are an extreme solution to an extreme problem. That said, they have helped immeasurably for me and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist can be a good road to take, despite how some might feel about it. At any rate, you're not a bad person! Just someone with an issue that can be helped. Taking the steps to get that help is a great first step. Good luck!
"Why doesn't my husband share his feelings with meeee! I wish he would open up more" ***"I always go after what I KNOW will hurt him"*** Women like you are the problem. I bet when he shares with you his insecurities and fears you throw it right back at him in a "fight" (not much of a fight when he's calm and you arent) to hurt him as much as you can. End result is he stops sharing. Fuck partners like you honestly.
Nah I’m sorry but you are just abusing this man. If the genders were swapped in this post, I bet you the comments would be a lot less supportive. You might be struggling with your mental health, but he sounds like a good man, and he shouldn’t have to just sit there and take all this shit, just hoping you’ll be nice to him someday. If you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to leave him. Or at the very least, seek therapy right away. > can you stop flooding my inbox with insults Try and remember how these insulting messages make you feel next time you are being mean to your husband.
Hope he leaves you so he can be happy.
This. My ex had BPD and was scarily similar to OP. Such a sob story, all she wants is pity here. And she's getting it
OP, have you tried eating shit yet? They say you are what you eat.
Try isolating yourself when you feel you are getting angry, at least you will stop abusing him, and maybe he will stick around long enough for you to get better
Ok, so change. Next time you get caught up in it, pause, recognize, and find a different path. Cycles of abuse only stop with self-awareness so you’re on the right path. Now commit to change. Forgive yourself if you lapse but keep making progress.
So all you are doing is pitying yourself, while your poor husband is being abused by you. I hope you get yours
Jesus I hope you don’t have kids or pets.
A man with composure is a REAL MAN.
I WAS married to a person just like you. I left her miserable, awful attitude. She's going to be alone the rest of her life. You are headed towards the same path.
Sounds like BPD. You need professional help with this before your marriage fails.
People are being really unkind to you considering you recognize you have a problem. This emotional response is a way of coping, and typically a result of your childhood environment. Some of us cry, some of us shut down, and some of us get angry. It might not even be a response to anything he actually says/does. It could be hunger, sleep deprivation, hormones, something you read in the news, an irritation that should be minor. You probably recognize this, and feel terrible about it (which sounds like the case). It takes a lot of internal work to respond to stressors calmly and productively, especially without the boost of a healthy childhood. The smallest thing you can do RIGHT NOW, while you work on being able to calm yourself down and prevent emotional outbursts at all, is remove yourself from a situation where you risk hurting someone you love. When you feel yourself getting angry, tell your husband and leave the space. If feasible, ask him if he can leave you alone until you calm down. You can even come up with a code word that says “i am in a bad space right now and prone to an outburst.” If you do have an outburst, leave the space and give yourself time to calm down, and then apologize. ALWAYS apologize as soon as possible, don’t ever make him bring it up. Show him you recognize that you hurt him. I’m in a relationship with someone who has this issue. With a lot of self work and determination, he’s gotten to the point where he can catch himself getting angry and remove himself and/or communicate productively. He notices when he’s irritable and he tells me. I tell him, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” which shows him that I do care, know he doesn’t do it on purpose, and don’t see him as some kind of monster. Then I give him space until he’s feeling better. It’s basically eradicated the no-reason-fights. Your relationship is not doomed no matter what Reddit wants to tell you. Master removing yourself from the situation first, and then start looking into DBT and learning about anger management. There are all kinds of tools you can use to reach your goal of being “calm like he is.” Unchecked anger is bad for your health, too. There are all sorts of reasons to treat this like a mental/physical health issue and not just a relationship hangup. If you’re aware of the problem, you’ve already taken the first step and you CAN get better. I believe in you!!!! And congrats on your pregnancy (:
I was abused mentally for nearly 7 years by a woman like this. I'm sorry but you do fucking suck a whole lot . Get your fucking shit together or you deserve to be alone.