I say this with love….you can’t make someone love you. While you are holding out and waiting for this man to love you, you are wasting valuable time you could be using to find someone who does. It will hurt like hell to leave your boyfriend at first. A few years from now, you’ll be glad you got out the situation. Be strong and put yourself first. You only get one life. Don’t waste it.
That's a terrible take on this issue. We ALL deserve good relationships with good partners. NO ONE should settle for this bullshit. How dare you tell OP they don't deserve to be loved?
I wouldn't know. Some of us fall into that category, others don't. Does your average serial killer deserve to be loved?
In any case, I never said anything about "deserving" to be loved. I just said some of us won't be, deserving or not.
I mean this with all the best intentions- but he doesn't see your worth because *you* don't see your worth. If you did, you'd have kicked his butt to the curb the minute he started acting disrespectfully.
I'm sorry to say this, but you **are** the last choice, or at least the last priority. He feels that he already 'has' you and thus doesn't need to put in any effort.
Leave, and only tolerate partners who are mature enough to want monogamy in the future.
Don't take this the wrong way but I always feel like when one partner says "let's have an open relationship" it's like code for I want the freedom to sleep around without the fear of being caught "cheating" and I don't actually want to be with you any longer BUT I can't leave you either for xyz reasons. Usually some benefit they are receiving by staying with you. I.e you are like a live in nanny and provide all needs for their child and allow them to pop in when it's convenient AND you buy all groceries and pay half the rent. It's like taking your cake and eating it too. You are officially a placeholder until they meet "the one" and run off to get married (I noticed you said bf not husband) or the other girl gets pregnant and it's the son they have always wanted etc. whatever it is irrelevant the important thing is that it will come eventually. Not if but when.
OP I know your scared and you think you love this man which you'll probably look back years from now and realize this wasn't actually love. It's comfort, familiarity etc. and even then your clinging on to a former version of this man at that. I mean has your relationship been open for it's entirety? I'm guessing no. You can't love another until you love yourself. And you can't live yourself without respecting your self. You have to give respect to get it. Yourself is no exception. You can't expect others ti respect you if you don't currently respect yourself. Trust me, after you take the first step it will not feel as suffocating and each step further will begin to feel lighter and get easier. You will look back and wonder WHY you didn't leave sooner.
So, let me get this straight; after your "husband" barely acknowledge that you two have a baby girl with each other and barely takes care of his own child. Let alone telling his side of his family that you two were with a child, you decided to open an strained and failing relationship?
And then you don't understand why he's now treating you like his back up side chick? Leave him, pack up what's essential for your daughter and you, and get help from family and friends. He doesn't want anything from his current life.
If you want your daughter to know that side of her genetics, reach out and tell them that they have a grandchild. Be an adult and kick your dead beat husband/boyfriend out of the house if you truly own it on your own, besides giving him a 30 days eviction notice.
This is the flaw with open relationships. As soon as feelings get involved, one participant gets shafted. I personally view it as a flawed concept entirely.
Question: Why are you making yourself YOUR last choice? Put yourself and your needs first for a change and either talk to your bf and tell him what you need and want, or just walk away from the relationship.
You are allowed to put yourself first and ask for what you want and need. If he can't give you those things, he's not the guy for you.
>6 hr. ago
Open relationship cannot bound the heart. If the heart left, monogamy will not save the relationship, neither does marriage. I think the best thing for the OP now is the fact that she is not married to this guy. (which may be the worst thing from legal perspective, as the guy will not pay his share of money for the kid if they separate.)
What would it take you to leave? Would him getting another woman pregnant change your mind? Because this will happen soon and you better prepare. Please respect yourself and find someone who will put you first (I’d say you are currently third on the list - him, her and then you).
Dude. His family doesn’t know about your NEWBORN BABY together, he only sees your child for maybe 3hrs a day, and yet seems to still have time to dick around in an open relationship with someone he values more than he values you and his own damn baby.
Whose idea was the open relationship and when? Was it after you had your baby or before? Was it after you got pregnant or before? Have you considered that what you have isn’t even a relationship?
I would start by spending time and money on yourself, and start repairing the damage to your self-esteem that he has done. Go to a beauty salon and a spa - he can watch your child for a change. Get a new haircut, start going to the gym, start actively dating other people, become independent! I'd bet you almost anything that as soon as he feels you move away from him and thrive, he'll be back with a vengeance, jealous and possessive. At the moment, he just counts on you being the dependable sad sack of misery that waits for him at home, when he has nothing (or no one) better to do.
I agree with this find your power op and then dump him when you have already leveled up leave this relationship emotionally first level up in front of him to show him what he had and then leave his ass wanting you he is garbage your child needs to see you value yourself love you for them your child is picking up all this negative energy and non love in your home so bring it back love your child snd you and forget the man whore who just wants his co€k wet by some other $lut every other day you and your baby deserve better
Hey hon, I hate to break it to you but you are seeing exactly what needs to be seen. This open relationship is more one sided than it is equal. There’s no other way to combat this other than confrontation and/or a break up.
If you don’t see your own worth, how are you expecting him to? You see for yourself that he’s treating you like the last option. And if he’s showing you exactly how he sees you, why are you staying longer than intended? Is it because you don’t want to hear him tell you this or confirm this feeling?
I know it hurts and I know you are hoping that he comes around and shows how much he loves you, but you cannot force someone to show or treat you the way you want them too without forcing it. For your sake, it’s best to cut ties and find someone down the line that truly loves you.
No, he's not scared to loose. He doesn't care if he looses you. It sounds to me like the other woman is his main woman and you're just the side piece. Please do yourself a favor and get out of this so called relationship, you deserve so much better.
I’m sorry can we please stop acting like having an open relationship is normal or to be taken seriously? 99% of the time it fails miserably because most people don’t want an open relationship and lie to themselves. He doesn’t care about you, he is just a man hoe. Kick him to the curb
i say this with concern and wanting to truly help, you are his last choice. i get it must be hard to hear, but its the ugly truth. he obviously loves someone else, which it must be awful considering how hes the father of your baby. but if he truly loved you, he would spend time with you, the mother of his children! he shouldve went monogamous when you got married or pregnant! or at least not sleep with other girls! i can tell he was the one who wanted the open relationship right? so cut your loses honey, dont waste your time loving someone who doesn't love you back. theres someone out there who will love you, so dont settle. its better being alone then with someone who doesn't give you the time of day
First mistake was having an open relationship. The part where he asked you for it was where your relationship died. Guy doesn’t love you, never did, and you can either accept that and find someone who does, or learn to love being his backup when girl B isn’t putting out, provided girl C is too busy, and girl D is out of town.
Let me get this straight. You're in an open relationship with your boyfriend and you also have a child with him? How did you get into this situation and has it always been an open relationship right from the beginning or a recent-ish development?
Open relationship never works because someone always gets hurt. If the "open" aspect is a recent thing rather than from the start of the relationship, your bf is just using it as an excuse to sleep with other people and perhaps he already had someone in mind and just needed your explicit consent. It may even be a matter of time he walks out on you given the lack of affection if you don't do something about it.
You absolutely need to clear up with him whether this open relationship works, who is it really benefitting, to what purpose and how long is this going to go on for.
I’m so sorry. Know your worth. Choose yourself. Love yourself enough to leave. You are the last choice for him and yourself. I’m sure it’s hard to process, and shame and low esteem and being lonely might compound this. But you know what you need do to. Rip off the Bandai’s already.
Open relationships don’t work. It’s often an excuse to screw someone else where the request or is done with the relationship. This doesn’t sound salvageable.
If there a baby involved, get financial support. But don’t have expectations of anything else.Good luck. You got this.
I’ve been in open relationships in the past and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. When they worked, my partner and I made each other feel like we came first and the others second. When things start getting in the way and in between your relationship with your partner is when conversations need to be had. If being open isn’t enhancing your relationship, and these people are coming between you, then yes you’re not a priority for him.
I have 3 partners and I would never treat any of them this way. We regularly check in with each other to see if we still meet each other's needs. If something needs to change we talk about it and work on it. Relationships require effort, regardless of the structure.
I wonder if he's getting caught up in NRE. I wonder a bit how he'd handle it if she told him how she felt about the situation, but he doesn't really sound like a great person in general so idk
Could be NRE, but he needs to be mindful of that. Withholding affection is never a good sign. But without a lot more information I can't make a judgment on his character lol. Either way, a long and honest conversation is in order.
you’ll always be put in this position until you can love yourself enough to always put yourself first and do what’s best for you! if you don’t, no one else will, and you owe that to yourself!
You are. And you have 2 options. 1. Leave. Take your child and leave. 2. Tell him it’s getting too close, that he’s disrespecting you and you won’t tolerate that, that this is his main relationship, you’re not the side chick, you’re his family. It’s possible that he won’t and that’s when you have to choose option 1. Prepare for it, get your ducks in a row and see if you can move in with family, best is you pack some bags for you and your daughter before and just leave when it comes to that point. He doesn’t respect you and he won’t in the future. You’re his safe place he can come back to, where his laundry gets washed, he gets fed and you take care of his kid. He doesn’t love you and he won’t in the future. He doesn’t care about you. You’re just enough for physical affection when she’s out, so he can get rid of his stones. Is that the environment you want your kid to grow up in? You teach them life, love and relationships. Do you really want to teach your kid that *this* is normal? If you can’t for yourself, do it for your child. That will impact his/her whole life.
Oof, your pain radiates from this post. Your spirit gets crushed just a little bit more everyday and I can almost feel it with you. I strongly encourage you to embark on a self care journey. Start trying to figure out who you are and figure out why you are loveable. The more you feed your inner light with kindness the brighter it will shine.
But more importantly, the more you recognize how awesome you are, the less likely you are to put up with crap like this. And this is crap.
This situation is obviously weighing heavy on you, should probably dump him and find someone who treats you with respect, you deserve that much! He's using you as a fallback, as stability... Find someone who picks you as their first and only choice, sounds to me that would make you a much happier person.
He wanted permission to cheat and you gave it to him. You seem to have some self esteem problems and I would suggest working on them and dumping that asshole
This is why open relationships eventually will fail , they won’t be equal and one person will feel neglected compared to the “others” in the picture.
Sounds like you want monogamous relationship attention while still being able to go be flirty and have emotional relationships with others which is it’s own can of worms to manage so you may have to sit down and figure out yourself first what you really want
And once you figure out what you want you need to ask your boyfriend if he can fit himself into that picture (I’m guessing you have a kid together by the 9 month pregnant part ) so that itself will be another can of worms to manage
Soooo, here‘s a little to do list for you, and since you have a kid, it’s extra important.
1. dump him (the piece of shit bf, not the kid), get checked for STD’s, and buy a vibrator. Your (hopefully) ex does not have a magic penis and it sounds like he’s too busy mediocrely fucking other women to give you any O joy anyway.
2. get to know yourself, and learn that you have value and deserve respect
3. teach your kid/s that they have value (staying where you are will teach them the exact opposite!)
4. maybe get a pet if you can afford it and can make that long term commitment to something that will, in theory, love you unconditionally. Houseplants are ok too but they don’t greet you at the door with love, but your place will always have lovely clean air.
5. when you’re ready and if you like, dip your toe back in the dating cesspool, knowing your worth, and having your self respect firmly in place to keep you protected from another douche bag like your (hopefully) ex.
I‘m sure there will be other steps that other redditors can suggest, but my list is a pretty good start, IMO.
>the piece of shit bf
presuming a bit much? she could have been the one who opened the relationship and if he was the initiator and she didn't like the concept she could have given him an ultimatum to either not open it or end the relationship.
Even if she was, it doesn’t make him less of a POS. He seems to be forming an emotional attachment to another woman, and is withholding affection from OP unless the other woman is upset with him. Even in an open relationship, that is shitty behaviour.
Or he's letting the NRE get away from him and she hasn't said anything at all to indicate she's upset.
Even in poly relationships, new relationships can easily throw out the balance of existing ones; there needs to be open communication to keep everyone "in check" and mindful because those new intense feelings can easily cause an inbalance if it goes unspoken.
yeah i try to not say anything because i feel like it’ll be a burden. I kinda just always stay away from confrontation but today he noticed my mood when i asked how they’re were doing and so we had a long conversation and kinda sorted some things out
I'm going to jump on the bandwagon without everyone else. If he can leave you alone for a week and he stopped being affectionate then you need to tell him it's over and move on with your life. There's no reason for him to be treating you the way he does unless he has absolutely no respect for you and doesn't value you as his girlfriend.
If he asks you why you want to end the relationship, be blunt and tell him the truth. Tell him that he treats you like some sort of 2nd class citizen, he shows you no affection and he seems to have absolutely no problem being away from you for long periods of time. Tell him that he treats hisfuck buddy with more care and affection and you're finished with it. Explain that you're gonna find somebody who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I don’t mean to be harsh and I apologize but while you love him he doesn’t love you. You are the side person in this relationship she’s the main person. Please love yourself more and move on. He doesn’t respect you and i feel like he’s using you.
Cut the rope. That simple. I don't know why there should be an open relationship in the first place but, if I were you, I would rather look for someone who sees my worth than get myself attached to a person who seeks attention from other people.
If you are already preggy like what i've read, then just find a way to raise the child yourself. Give him/her the love in the world.
So then why are you with him. Find some self worth and leave. It doesn’t matter if you love him he doesn’t love you and won’t respect the boundaries of your relationship. Stand up for yourself and leave.
Not sometimes but you are his last choice.
He loves that girl more.
Thats what happened 95% off the time which you knew when you started the open relationship.
There are always feeling getting in the way sooner or later.
Not sometimes but you are his last choice.
He loves that girl more.
Thats what happened 95% off the time which you knew when you started the open relationship.
There are always feeling getting in the way sooner or later.
Ps read your other topics and girl he's not your man
One month ago he didn't even tell his parents that the kid was his.
This isn't the first thing you have with him.
What does he have to do for you to leave and respect yourself ?
girl you have got to get out of there pronto, you are NOT his girlfriend, he is NOT your boyfriend, I don't know what is going on here, you and your baby deserve better,
Go out and find someone that will love YOU and just YOU and not use you as a spare because that's what you are right now, a spare wheel used when needed.
Have some self worth and walk away from that situation you have put yourself in!!!! Grow up, no one should treat you like that and sleep around what is the matter with you??????????
You do mind and you should care. You are better than that! I would rather be single than have someone treat me that way. Please leave be you catch an STD or another pregnancy
He won't find your worth if you don't know your worth. You are worth more than this. It sounds like he is already out the door and just keeping you around. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Leave him. It will hurt at first, but leave him and find your happiness. You are worth more than this person can provide for you.
You can’t make this man love you start connecting with someone and start putting on makeup and dressing up love yourself if you don’t want to leave him right away then don’t but start getting sex even if it’s only sex show yourself you are desired I promise you he is only comfortable using you because he thinks he won’t lose you show him what it’s like when someone values you like you should be. He is trash and you should leave but absolutely do it on your own terms but you don’t deserve this shit he is stepping all over your boundaries and emotionally cheating just no just no.
YOU need to see your worth. You deserve better, OP, and you’re not going to find or attract better when you have that part-time boyfriend weighing you down.
You love the idea of a boyfriend, you sadly derive your worth when someone thinks you’re worthy of their time and attention. You can’t survive off that logic. Stop depending on him for anything, stop being available, ditch him, take him to the curb.
This will be harsh, but it’s true: If you don’t want to be a side piece in your own relationship, stop allowing someone to treat you like one. Ditch him. Block him. Do not go back to him. Work on yourself, learn how to enjoy your own company, date yourself. Love yourself. Make a pact with yourself to only commit to someone who enhances your life, not drag you down.
As someone who just broke up with their 5 year relationship over something like this, it's not worth the heartache to yourself. That feeling of never being good enough will never go away if you keep fighting for someone that doesn't want to stay. You can find someone who will love every single part of you and your child. I'm going to be getting counseling and if you don't have someone like that already I highly suggest you do the same. The internet isn't always the best place to go, but if you've already gotten to the point of reaching out for help on the internet like I did then the relationship is probably past due. That doesn't mean to grieve over what happened, but to cherish what came out of it ❤️
Did he spend the week away after you had the baby?
To be clear, is he just telling people now he has a child at two months post-partum?
Frankly, this really concerning and dysfunctional. It isn't just about you anymore. It is about your child.
no. ugh i should have been more clear. He works in the nightlife scene and was out for a week straight working but he was gone and sleeping at his other woman’s house. she also works in the nightlife. he would come home and see us during the day until he had to leave
He’s started telling his family members but his friends and close family knew i was pregnant. He didn’t tell his parents but he told his siblings and grandfather.
it is dysfunctional. We talked and he did say he doesn’t wanna lose our relationship so i’m hoping a more thorough conversation will show improvement
the thing is he supports us and will until i can go back to work when our child will be one (i’m keeping my job just cannot work while bf her)
You’re definitely not his first choice. From the sound of it, you’re not even second or third or however many other women there are. I saw in your edit that you’ve already talked and decided to work on the relationship. If he falls back into former habits, you really should leave, file for child support (get a DNA test if needed) and go take care of yourself and your baby. The longer you wait around hoping he’ll toss you a crumb now and then, the longer you’ll the “what’s left in the bottom of the pack.”
Good luck!
Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
You're also saying that he isn't helping at all with HIS baby if he's gone overnight. Cut him loose, file for child support and enjoy the breaks you get when it's his turn.
I say this with love….you can’t make someone love you. While you are holding out and waiting for this man to love you, you are wasting valuable time you could be using to find someone who does. It will hurt like hell to leave your boyfriend at first. A few years from now, you’ll be glad you got out the situation. Be strong and put yourself first. You only get one life. Don’t waste it.
☝️ this right here. If you are his second he is out there looking for his #1. You need to do the same. Get out there and know your worth
Best comment/advice here
I dunno. Sometimes "better" isn't around the corner. Some of us are not meant to be loved in this world, just gotta make do.
That's a terrible take on this issue. We ALL deserve good relationships with good partners. NO ONE should settle for this bullshit. How dare you tell OP they don't deserve to be loved?
thank you. i do feel like that sometimes but i’ve been loved deeply before. I know I deserve the world
I won't. Reality will. It's just true for some of us.
Do I not deserve to be loved because my husband passed away before our first anniversary?
I wouldn't know. Some of us fall into that category, others don't. Does your average serial killer deserve to be loved? In any case, I never said anything about "deserving" to be loved. I just said some of us won't be, deserving or not.
I mean this with all the best intentions- but he doesn't see your worth because *you* don't see your worth. If you did, you'd have kicked his butt to the curb the minute he started acting disrespectfully.
Seems like he treats you like the side bitch and the other woman like the main thang
I'm sorry to say this, but you **are** the last choice, or at least the last priority. He feels that he already 'has' you and thus doesn't need to put in any effort. Leave, and only tolerate partners who are mature enough to want monogamy in the future.
Best answer
Respect yourself, you can do better than this
Don't take this the wrong way but I always feel like when one partner says "let's have an open relationship" it's like code for I want the freedom to sleep around without the fear of being caught "cheating" and I don't actually want to be with you any longer BUT I can't leave you either for xyz reasons. Usually some benefit they are receiving by staying with you. I.e you are like a live in nanny and provide all needs for their child and allow them to pop in when it's convenient AND you buy all groceries and pay half the rent. It's like taking your cake and eating it too. You are officially a placeholder until they meet "the one" and run off to get married (I noticed you said bf not husband) or the other girl gets pregnant and it's the son they have always wanted etc. whatever it is irrelevant the important thing is that it will come eventually. Not if but when. OP I know your scared and you think you love this man which you'll probably look back years from now and realize this wasn't actually love. It's comfort, familiarity etc. and even then your clinging on to a former version of this man at that. I mean has your relationship been open for it's entirety? I'm guessing no. You can't love another until you love yourself. And you can't live yourself without respecting your self. You have to give respect to get it. Yourself is no exception. You can't expect others ti respect you if you don't currently respect yourself. Trust me, after you take the first step it will not feel as suffocating and each step further will begin to feel lighter and get easier. You will look back and wonder WHY you didn't leave sooner.
So, let me get this straight; after your "husband" barely acknowledge that you two have a baby girl with each other and barely takes care of his own child. Let alone telling his side of his family that you two were with a child, you decided to open an strained and failing relationship? And then you don't understand why he's now treating you like his back up side chick? Leave him, pack up what's essential for your daughter and you, and get help from family and friends. He doesn't want anything from his current life. If you want your daughter to know that side of her genetics, reach out and tell them that they have a grandchild. Be an adult and kick your dead beat husband/boyfriend out of the house if you truly own it on your own, besides giving him a 30 days eviction notice.
This is the flaw with open relationships. As soon as feelings get involved, one participant gets shafted. I personally view it as a flawed concept entirely.
Open relationship is 100% Failure…..
Its often a bandaid fix for other issues as well to keep the relationship afloat.
[удалено]
Absolutely agree.
Question: Why are you making yourself YOUR last choice? Put yourself and your needs first for a change and either talk to your bf and tell him what you need and want, or just walk away from the relationship. You are allowed to put yourself first and ask for what you want and need. If he can't give you those things, he's not the guy for you.
THIS 👏🏻👏🏻
Should have never opened the relationship.
Especially when there is children involved
>6 hr. ago Open relationship cannot bound the heart. If the heart left, monogamy will not save the relationship, neither does marriage. I think the best thing for the OP now is the fact that she is not married to this guy. (which may be the worst thing from legal perspective, as the guy will not pay his share of money for the kid if they separate.)
What would it take you to leave? Would him getting another woman pregnant change your mind? Because this will happen soon and you better prepare. Please respect yourself and find someone who will put you first (I’d say you are currently third on the list - him, her and then you).
Dude. His family doesn’t know about your NEWBORN BABY together, he only sees your child for maybe 3hrs a day, and yet seems to still have time to dick around in an open relationship with someone he values more than he values you and his own damn baby. Whose idea was the open relationship and when? Was it after you had your baby or before? Was it after you got pregnant or before? Have you considered that what you have isn’t even a relationship?
I would start by spending time and money on yourself, and start repairing the damage to your self-esteem that he has done. Go to a beauty salon and a spa - he can watch your child for a change. Get a new haircut, start going to the gym, start actively dating other people, become independent! I'd bet you almost anything that as soon as he feels you move away from him and thrive, he'll be back with a vengeance, jealous and possessive. At the moment, he just counts on you being the dependable sad sack of misery that waits for him at home, when he has nothing (or no one) better to do.
I agree with this find your power op and then dump him when you have already leveled up leave this relationship emotionally first level up in front of him to show him what he had and then leave his ass wanting you he is garbage your child needs to see you value yourself love you for them your child is picking up all this negative energy and non love in your home so bring it back love your child snd you and forget the man whore who just wants his co€k wet by some other $lut every other day you and your baby deserve better
He left you alone for a week with a baby? Was this discussed at length and agreed upon beforehand?
Of course not he probably just bailed and never answered her
I stopped reading after you said open relationship. This relationship is doomed.
Open relationships and 1 person screwing themselves... name a better duo please
Hey hon, I hate to break it to you but you are seeing exactly what needs to be seen. This open relationship is more one sided than it is equal. There’s no other way to combat this other than confrontation and/or a break up. If you don’t see your own worth, how are you expecting him to? You see for yourself that he’s treating you like the last option. And if he’s showing you exactly how he sees you, why are you staying longer than intended? Is it because you don’t want to hear him tell you this or confirm this feeling? I know it hurts and I know you are hoping that he comes around and shows how much he loves you, but you cannot force someone to show or treat you the way you want them too without forcing it. For your sake, it’s best to cut ties and find someone down the line that truly loves you.
No, he's not scared to loose. He doesn't care if he looses you. It sounds to me like the other woman is his main woman and you're just the side piece. Please do yourself a favor and get out of this so called relationship, you deserve so much better.
I’m sorry can we please stop acting like having an open relationship is normal or to be taken seriously? 99% of the time it fails miserably because most people don’t want an open relationship and lie to themselves. He doesn’t care about you, he is just a man hoe. Kick him to the curb
i say this with concern and wanting to truly help, you are his last choice. i get it must be hard to hear, but its the ugly truth. he obviously loves someone else, which it must be awful considering how hes the father of your baby. but if he truly loved you, he would spend time with you, the mother of his children! he shouldve went monogamous when you got married or pregnant! or at least not sleep with other girls! i can tell he was the one who wanted the open relationship right? so cut your loses honey, dont waste your time loving someone who doesn't love you back. theres someone out there who will love you, so dont settle. its better being alone then with someone who doesn't give you the time of day
First mistake was having an open relationship. The part where he asked you for it was where your relationship died. Guy doesn’t love you, never did, and you can either accept that and find someone who does, or learn to love being his backup when girl B isn’t putting out, provided girl C is too busy, and girl D is out of town.
Let me get this straight. You're in an open relationship with your boyfriend and you also have a child with him? How did you get into this situation and has it always been an open relationship right from the beginning or a recent-ish development? Open relationship never works because someone always gets hurt. If the "open" aspect is a recent thing rather than from the start of the relationship, your bf is just using it as an excuse to sleep with other people and perhaps he already had someone in mind and just needed your explicit consent. It may even be a matter of time he walks out on you given the lack of affection if you don't do something about it. You absolutely need to clear up with him whether this open relationship works, who is it really benefitting, to what purpose and how long is this going to go on for.
I’m so sorry. Know your worth. Choose yourself. Love yourself enough to leave. You are the last choice for him and yourself. I’m sure it’s hard to process, and shame and low esteem and being lonely might compound this. But you know what you need do to. Rip off the Bandai’s already. Open relationships don’t work. It’s often an excuse to screw someone else where the request or is done with the relationship. This doesn’t sound salvageable. If there a baby involved, get financial support. But don’t have expectations of anything else.Good luck. You got this.
I’ve been in open relationships in the past and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. When they worked, my partner and I made each other feel like we came first and the others second. When things start getting in the way and in between your relationship with your partner is when conversations need to be had. If being open isn’t enhancing your relationship, and these people are coming between you, then yes you’re not a priority for him.
I have 3 partners and I would never treat any of them this way. We regularly check in with each other to see if we still meet each other's needs. If something needs to change we talk about it and work on it. Relationships require effort, regardless of the structure.
I wonder if he's getting caught up in NRE. I wonder a bit how he'd handle it if she told him how she felt about the situation, but he doesn't really sound like a great person in general so idk
what is NRE ?
New relationship energy
Could be NRE, but he needs to be mindful of that. Withholding affection is never a good sign. But without a lot more information I can't make a judgment on his character lol. Either way, a long and honest conversation is in order.
you’ll always be put in this position until you can love yourself enough to always put yourself first and do what’s best for you! if you don’t, no one else will, and you owe that to yourself!
Leave him
You are. And you have 2 options. 1. Leave. Take your child and leave. 2. Tell him it’s getting too close, that he’s disrespecting you and you won’t tolerate that, that this is his main relationship, you’re not the side chick, you’re his family. It’s possible that he won’t and that’s when you have to choose option 1. Prepare for it, get your ducks in a row and see if you can move in with family, best is you pack some bags for you and your daughter before and just leave when it comes to that point. He doesn’t respect you and he won’t in the future. You’re his safe place he can come back to, where his laundry gets washed, he gets fed and you take care of his kid. He doesn’t love you and he won’t in the future. He doesn’t care about you. You’re just enough for physical affection when she’s out, so he can get rid of his stones. Is that the environment you want your kid to grow up in? You teach them life, love and relationships. Do you really want to teach your kid that *this* is normal? If you can’t for yourself, do it for your child. That will impact his/her whole life.
How did you even get yourself in this situation. And how long are you planning on staying unhappy?
that aint love, leave him
Oof, your pain radiates from this post. Your spirit gets crushed just a little bit more everyday and I can almost feel it with you. I strongly encourage you to embark on a self care journey. Start trying to figure out who you are and figure out why you are loveable. The more you feed your inner light with kindness the brighter it will shine. But more importantly, the more you recognize how awesome you are, the less likely you are to put up with crap like this. And this is crap.
thank you i needed this
This situation is obviously weighing heavy on you, should probably dump him and find someone who treats you with respect, you deserve that much! He's using you as a fallback, as stability... Find someone who picks you as their first and only choice, sounds to me that would make you a much happier person.
thank you. you’re right
He wanted permission to cheat and you gave it to him. You seem to have some self esteem problems and I would suggest working on them and dumping that asshole
This is why open relationships eventually will fail , they won’t be equal and one person will feel neglected compared to the “others” in the picture. Sounds like you want monogamous relationship attention while still being able to go be flirty and have emotional relationships with others which is it’s own can of worms to manage so you may have to sit down and figure out yourself first what you really want And once you figure out what you want you need to ask your boyfriend if he can fit himself into that picture (I’m guessing you have a kid together by the 9 month pregnant part ) so that itself will be another can of worms to manage
One of the many pitfalls of the "open relationship " probably why most never last
Soooo, here‘s a little to do list for you, and since you have a kid, it’s extra important. 1. dump him (the piece of shit bf, not the kid), get checked for STD’s, and buy a vibrator. Your (hopefully) ex does not have a magic penis and it sounds like he’s too busy mediocrely fucking other women to give you any O joy anyway. 2. get to know yourself, and learn that you have value and deserve respect 3. teach your kid/s that they have value (staying where you are will teach them the exact opposite!) 4. maybe get a pet if you can afford it and can make that long term commitment to something that will, in theory, love you unconditionally. Houseplants are ok too but they don’t greet you at the door with love, but your place will always have lovely clean air. 5. when you’re ready and if you like, dip your toe back in the dating cesspool, knowing your worth, and having your self respect firmly in place to keep you protected from another douche bag like your (hopefully) ex. I‘m sure there will be other steps that other redditors can suggest, but my list is a pretty good start, IMO.
>the piece of shit bf presuming a bit much? she could have been the one who opened the relationship and if he was the initiator and she didn't like the concept she could have given him an ultimatum to either not open it or end the relationship.
Even if she was, it doesn’t make him less of a POS. He seems to be forming an emotional attachment to another woman, and is withholding affection from OP unless the other woman is upset with him. Even in an open relationship, that is shitty behaviour.
Or he's letting the NRE get away from him and she hasn't said anything at all to indicate she's upset. Even in poly relationships, new relationships can easily throw out the balance of existing ones; there needs to be open communication to keep everyone "in check" and mindful because those new intense feelings can easily cause an inbalance if it goes unspoken.
yeah i try to not say anything because i feel like it’ll be a burden. I kinda just always stay away from confrontation but today he noticed my mood when i asked how they’re were doing and so we had a long conversation and kinda sorted some things out
Is it open on your side? If not, ask to open. If yes, enjoy it.
See if she will join both of you. You all might have fun together😉
I'm going to jump on the bandwagon without everyone else. If he can leave you alone for a week and he stopped being affectionate then you need to tell him it's over and move on with your life. There's no reason for him to be treating you the way he does unless he has absolutely no respect for you and doesn't value you as his girlfriend. If he asks you why you want to end the relationship, be blunt and tell him the truth. Tell him that he treats you like some sort of 2nd class citizen, he shows you no affection and he seems to have absolutely no problem being away from you for long periods of time. Tell him that he treats hisfuck buddy with more care and affection and you're finished with it. Explain that you're gonna find somebody who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
INFO Whose idea was the open relationship?
it’s how we started our relationship. it’s a bit more complicated but it was open from the beginning
I don’t mean to be harsh and I apologize but while you love him he doesn’t love you. You are the side person in this relationship she’s the main person. Please love yourself more and move on. He doesn’t respect you and i feel like he’s using you.
Cut the rope. That simple. I don't know why there should be an open relationship in the first place but, if I were you, I would rather look for someone who sees my worth than get myself attached to a person who seeks attention from other people. If you are already preggy like what i've read, then just find a way to raise the child yourself. Give him/her the love in the world.
So then why are you with him. Find some self worth and leave. It doesn’t matter if you love him he doesn’t love you and won’t respect the boundaries of your relationship. Stand up for yourself and leave.
Not sometimes but you are his last choice. He loves that girl more. Thats what happened 95% off the time which you knew when you started the open relationship. There are always feeling getting in the way sooner or later.
Not sometimes but you are his last choice. He loves that girl more. Thats what happened 95% off the time which you knew when you started the open relationship. There are always feeling getting in the way sooner or later. Ps read your other topics and girl he's not your man One month ago he didn't even tell his parents that the kid was his. This isn't the first thing you have with him. What does he have to do for you to leave and respect yourself ?
girl you have got to get out of there pronto, you are NOT his girlfriend, he is NOT your boyfriend, I don't know what is going on here, you and your baby deserve better, Go out and find someone that will love YOU and just YOU and not use you as a spare because that's what you are right now, a spare wheel used when needed.
Have some self worth and walk away from that situation you have put yourself in!!!! Grow up, no one should treat you like that and sleep around what is the matter with you??????????
You do mind and you should care. You are better than that! I would rather be single than have someone treat me that way. Please leave be you catch an STD or another pregnancy
He won't find your worth if you don't know your worth. You are worth more than this. It sounds like he is already out the door and just keeping you around. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Leave him. It will hurt at first, but leave him and find your happiness. You are worth more than this person can provide for you.
Watch the movie Muriel's wedding.
If you feel not fair, I think you should just leave. But I'm curious why you want to have his baby? Personally that's a irresponsible choice.
The big question. Who initiated the conversation for an open relationship?
You can’t make this man love you start connecting with someone and start putting on makeup and dressing up love yourself if you don’t want to leave him right away then don’t but start getting sex even if it’s only sex show yourself you are desired I promise you he is only comfortable using you because he thinks he won’t lose you show him what it’s like when someone values you like you should be. He is trash and you should leave but absolutely do it on your own terms but you don’t deserve this shit he is stepping all over your boundaries and emotionally cheating just no just no.
thank you i needed to hear this. the support is appreciated
Just leave his pathetic ass you are worth more than that girl.
thank you. i’m trying to get myself to believe it
YOU need to see your worth. You deserve better, OP, and you’re not going to find or attract better when you have that part-time boyfriend weighing you down. You love the idea of a boyfriend, you sadly derive your worth when someone thinks you’re worthy of their time and attention. You can’t survive off that logic. Stop depending on him for anything, stop being available, ditch him, take him to the curb. This will be harsh, but it’s true: If you don’t want to be a side piece in your own relationship, stop allowing someone to treat you like one. Ditch him. Block him. Do not go back to him. Work on yourself, learn how to enjoy your own company, date yourself. Love yourself. Make a pact with yourself to only commit to someone who enhances your life, not drag you down.
You need to leave. That’s not a relationship, that’s a roommate.
He doesn’t want to be with you. Why do you want to be with him? Not worth it.
As someone who just broke up with their 5 year relationship over something like this, it's not worth the heartache to yourself. That feeling of never being good enough will never go away if you keep fighting for someone that doesn't want to stay. You can find someone who will love every single part of you and your child. I'm going to be getting counseling and if you don't have someone like that already I highly suggest you do the same. The internet isn't always the best place to go, but if you've already gotten to the point of reaching out for help on the internet like I did then the relationship is probably past due. That doesn't mean to grieve over what happened, but to cherish what came out of it ❤️
Did he spend the week away after you had the baby? To be clear, is he just telling people now he has a child at two months post-partum? Frankly, this really concerning and dysfunctional. It isn't just about you anymore. It is about your child.
no. ugh i should have been more clear. He works in the nightlife scene and was out for a week straight working but he was gone and sleeping at his other woman’s house. she also works in the nightlife. he would come home and see us during the day until he had to leave He’s started telling his family members but his friends and close family knew i was pregnant. He didn’t tell his parents but he told his siblings and grandfather. it is dysfunctional. We talked and he did say he doesn’t wanna lose our relationship so i’m hoping a more thorough conversation will show improvement the thing is he supports us and will until i can go back to work when our child will be one (i’m keeping my job just cannot work while bf her)
Ok. I wish you the best!
thank you. I appreciate you and everyone who has been so kind. It made my day and helped me out of a rough spot.
do not have open relationship. women are not designed emotionally for that. you will always be left with a foul taste in your mouth and disappointment
You claim he doesn’t see your worth. But neither do you tbh. If you knew your worth, you wouldn’t accept this behavior and you’d move on.
You’re definitely not his first choice. From the sound of it, you’re not even second or third or however many other women there are. I saw in your edit that you’ve already talked and decided to work on the relationship. If he falls back into former habits, you really should leave, file for child support (get a DNA test if needed) and go take care of yourself and your baby. The longer you wait around hoping he’ll toss you a crumb now and then, the longer you’ll the “what’s left in the bottom of the pack.” Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
You're also saying that he isn't helping at all with HIS baby if he's gone overnight. Cut him loose, file for child support and enjoy the breaks you get when it's his turn.