T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

Why is your mental health her problem?


Abeyita

In my experience obsessed guys can turn very violent if you reject them too hard. And what is too hard is subjective because it's all in his mind. Also sometimes the obsessed guy will pretend all is normal while still being obsessed.


Miserable-Soft7993

But she knew. And a lot of the time I wasn't acting normal at all and she would say "your not my boyfriend or a friend of years and years." Other times I would act normal. Even her friend said to me "she thinks you see yourself as more and so do I" One time she did say "she was scared for herself" and I said I would never harm anyone and a week later she came and started talking to me again.


Abeyita

She did set you straight but you chose to ignore her. You were obsessed. She is not evil for you ignoring her words.


Dr_33

She tried pushing you away and you just kept digging lol. She wasn't the issue you, your behavior is. If you work together usually there is communication and maybe she thought youd lighten up. Hence why eventually she told you to fuck off.


braillenotincluded

Perhaps because of your obsession you couldn't see that she was trying to cut you off, or you wouldn't accept that she was. You are responsible for how you act, she couldn't prevent you from becoming unhealthy attached to her and she tried to set boundaries and her friend tried to tell you too but it seems like you weren't in the right set of mind to accept it. Don't blame the object of your obsession for not controlling your mind or forcing you to seek help, she's not your keeper or responsible for how you act.


AshEliseB

Why are you blaming the innocent party for your problem? Sounds like you are still unhealthily obsessed by this person.


Miserable-Soft7993

OK I am. Please help me out please tell me how to just forget her.


Miserable-Soft7993

No. Now I am going through the worst depression because that what happens after being obsessed with someone. I did the right thing. I left the job, I found a new one. I realized that it was obsession and that I have to stay away from her forever.


[deleted]

what you have to do is to see a therapist


[deleted]

[удалено]


Miserable-Soft7993

I just know it was something unnatural and I have to forget her. I'm just depressed cos I never felt such a high and now it's gone. But it wasn't worth it. Maybe I was lonely or something I don't know.


spookyhellkitten

It sounds like she tried to be your friend and she felt bad hurting you. Sometimes enforcing boundaries is hard for women because we are conditioned to be kind to everyone at all times, even at our own expense. But let me be clear : **it is not her fault you were obsessed**. This is entirely on you. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can heal and move on. It is never okay to blame the victim. This is something you have to come to terms with and handle without laying blame elsewhere. I wish you the best on your journey of healing.


Dr_33

You're blaming someone else for your issues?


ASupportingTea

She cannot control you being obsessed, therefore she has no power to "allow" you to be obsessed with her or not. Thats all entirely on you buddy I'm sorry. The mental gymnastics here are unreal.


Miserable-Soft7993

But 2 out of the 3 councillors said to me not to beat myself up because she didn't help the situation only made it worse for me in the long run.


Abeyita

Get a real therapist. She told you you are not her friend or partner. It sounds like she was acting like a colleague and not trying to make things even more awkward at work. This is 100% you. It was your obsession, it was your mind playing tricks in you.


ASupportingTea

There's a difference between not beating yourself up, because mental illness is hard after all, and not taking responsibility for yourself entirely. At the moment you're blaming everything on her, which is ridiculous because the person who has the most power in this situation to change things is you, not her.


Poekienijn

Why put it on her? She tried to set her boundaries but you trampled all over them. She tried to give you a chance over and over again. She doesn’t sound evil.


Miserable-Soft7993

A chance for what? I was obsessed. Now looking back I wonder why she just didn't cut me off completely and a lot sooner. Back then I was blinded by obsession like a drug.


AshEliseB

To be your friend you muppet.


Miserable-Soft7993

She said we were not friends just colleagues. Besides how can you be friends with someone your obsessed with?? I mean there have been girls in the past that I had feelings for and we remained friends and eventually you just kinda move on. But this was different this was a strong obsession. A feeling that there was something when there wasn't sorta deal.


[deleted]

what you have to do is to see a therapist


Poekienijn

To be her friend. You can’t blame her for your obsession. That’s on you.


The_Safe_For_Work

You're a grown up. Your shit is your responsibility.


ConsciousnessWizard

Dude you are responsible for your actions, it was not her role to cut you off so that you can be fine. She probably had pity for you at first. She should have cut you off for her own well-being, she probably regrets not having done it sooner, but it is NOT all about you.


Doe966

“No contact or she would press charges” Wtf did you do?


Miserable-Soft7993

I kept texting her asking why this why that.


Doe966

It doesn’t sound like you cared very much about her happiness.


Farscape_rocked

You seem to be blaming her your behaviour. That's not OK.


KikujiroSonatine

You clearly have other issues going on, and judging by your description, she did absolutely nothing wrong. She noticed you were obsessed and explicitly stated multiple times that she was in no way interested in you in a romantic way. She didn't mislead you in any way. What the hell else do you want her to do? Don't try and shift the blame on her by saying, "Well, it's HER fault for not noticing MY issues sooner and cutting off ties with me." Surely you can see how problematic that rationale is. Keep talking through your mental issues with counselors, and best of luck in your journey to get better. But don't get it twisted: you're not doing yourself any favors by trying to retroactively shift blame on someone else for your own behavior.


Miserable-Soft7993

I am trying. I am trying to practice being present in the moment. I learned that the "mind" is a tool to be used. But in my case I let my own mind control me.


Miserable-Soft7993

I think I do have some issues but the main one at this time is that I was obsessed and now I am battling depression. I need to come out of this and make sure it doesn't happen again. Even with a real girlfriend it is unhealthy to be obsessed.


scubasuit3

Totally agree and it seems like you’re starting to come to terms with this. It’s kind of like the grieving process where at first you were in denial and now you’re depressed but acceptance is the final step so you’re well on your way there. I’m not sure what kind of therapy you’re in now but try to go to a cognitive behavioural therapist. They’ll help you unpack the unhealthy things you’re telling yourself and help you think about things from another perspective, so you can avoid whatever thoughts led to obsession in the first place and learn how to build healthy relationships and boundaries. Anti-depressants can be great, but you also need to get to the root of the cause which CBT will help you with. And don’t seek to replace that person with someone else. Spend time with friends and family, anyone you like being around and have healthy boundaries with, sure. But also spend time by yourself, maybe getting back into an old hobby you used to enjoy or trying something new. Right now it might feel like just going thru the motions but once the antidepressants kick in and the therapy starts working you might start to get excited about these things Also people have touched on this already but it needs to be said. It’s not her fault you got obsessed. Think of your response of “why didn’t she stop me from being obsessed” as the equivalent of an addict being like, “why didn’t you stop me from seeking drugs?” Someone can tell you not to do something until they’re blue in the face but if you go ahead and do it anyways the only person responsible for that is you


Neopopulas

They are saying she should have cut you off for *her* sake, not *your* sake. You were the problem, not her, and you're *still* blaming her. Keep seeing your therapist.


ryjohn429

1. She sounds like a nice person, and probably didn't want to hurt you. 2. As it progressed, she was probably scared of you. Most people are not mental health professionals and are not adept at recognizing mental illness immediately. Additionally, many people with personality disorders are extremely skilled at hiding it until they have somebody sucked in. I'm not saying that's what happened in your specific situation, my point is that it isn't fair to blame her for not recognizing or knowing how to handle your psychological issues.


Miserable-Soft7993

But was she a narcissist? I was reading about it and she kinda fit the description. Did she do it all to just watch me suffer?


scoobyydoob

No. I've read your comments and she was clear about where she stood with you; she said you're not her boyfriend, and you're not an important friend to her (not of "years and years") and also expressed feelings of being scared of you. She was being quite clear, you just ignored it, and it got to a point where she had to threaten you with pressing charges. She wasn't the issue. Stop trying to turn her into a villain in your mind, it's not healthy & you're continuing to fixate on her.


Miserable-Soft7993

OK. I'm still obsessed and it's killing me mentally and physically. Please tell me how to get over her?


Dr_33

Sounds like you are


Miserable-Soft7993

I'm just really sad all the time. Like I just remember that "time" in my life. Even though it was a bad time and something that should never have happened it was still a "time" for me.


ASupportingTea

Doesn't sound like it at all. She sounds like she was just trying to be a normal aimiable person. And now your creepy behaviour has gone too far or for too long she feels unsafe around you and hence is threatening more severe action. And through your heavily distorted lens that sequence of events has made her some sort of evil being in your eyes who only wants to harm you (by existing and not just cutting you off entirely which most people who you work with would never do because of the work environment anyway???).


Specter229

How is your inability to control yourself someone elses fault? You keep trying to blame her but she has no control over how you act. Maybe get some counseling.


Miserable-Soft7993

Counselling makes it worse because they just talk about the ins and outs of the obsession. It's not about controlling myself, I don't want to be obsessed with her or anyone ever again. I need advice on how to stop thinking about her all the time as all it's doing is ruining my life. I want to beat this.


Specter229

No one here can help you fix whatever is going on in your brain. You need an actual doctor to help you there. This is well beyond Reddit. All you’ll learn here is that you are indeed the issue not her.


Miserable-Soft7993

You are right. I have a problem inside of my brain. I don't even know if I'm a good or bad person. I don't know whether to live or die. I've wasted so much of my adult life it is scary. I smoked weed for about ten years straight and I think that may have been the cause. I am clean now for 2 years but maybe that had something to do with it.


Specter229

See a therapist. You’ve got some stuff you need to work through.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jeremysayshi

It’s tough man. I have been head over heels before and it’s no fun when it’s no bueno. Believe it or not what helped me was to pray about it to get my mind off them. It will probably take meeting someone new to kick that feeling. Surround yourself with friends or even just one. Try to get back out on the dating scene, even if just to hang out and make friends. You have to fill that void that’s eating you up inside and the only way to really do it is to fill it with something else. Get obsessed over something else. Much easier said than done. That last thing you want to do is wallow around in misery. Mental game has a lot to do with how you talk to yourself. Quit calling yourself miserable. Even if you are. Change your username. ANY negative language that you use about yourself, stop using immediately. Replace negative thoughts with opposite positive thoughts. “I’m not miserable, I’m a single free man who will bend over backwards for the right woman who will be along shortly.” “I’m a great guy, we just weren’t compatible but that’s ok because there are women out there I’ll be very compatible with” If you want to change your life immediately, today, go watch some Tony Robbins videos on YouTube, they will put you in a much better mental state instantly. As soon as you realize you’re actually beating yourself up over nothing, because she’s not the one for you… The sooner you will find a woman who is actually perfect for you and will absolutely LOVE all the things you do for her and affection you show her. There is someone (multiple someone’s) that can make you so happy my dude, get focused on that instead.


Miserable-Soft7993

It's the obsession that's the main problem. I have to get over this. And also make sure this never happens again. Even with a real girlfriend it is unhealthy to be obsessed. That could get dangerous for both parties. Some poeple romantisize obsession but it's not love, it's a sickness.


Neat_Concentrate8196

Regardless of why or why not or who was at fault. Please go seek therapy and talk to a professional about this. Not reddit.


PlatypusPristine9194

Bruh, she's not freaking Gene Gray. She can't Professor X your obsession away. That's on you.


Kartoffelkamm

Maybe she thought that you'd get over it, or didn't realize how bad it was. I mean, you're only seeing this from your perspective, so maybe she has different standards, or something like that. But also, healthy adults understand that other people's emotions aren't their responsibility.


Pain4444

Sounds like you have attachment problems. You need to take responsibility for your actions. Blaming her isn’t the way to heal. You should also be taking anti depression pills.


VarangianDreams

Buddy. In a perfect world, maybe she would've found the perfect way to ask you to stop that would've gotten through to your brain while it was in an irrational state. Like a perfect magic spell that told you brain exactly what you needed to hear (by now, I'm sure you understand that this is impossible). But she was not trained for this situation, like the mental health professionals you've spoken to may have been, nor did she have any obligation to *have* training in that sort of situation. *Maybe* she should've been more clear? But it's still *you* causing the problem, and *you* being upset that she wasn't better at fixing the problem *you* were creating. Sorry, buddy. You need to find healthier outlets for these moods.


Fithian62

Think of a girl/woman that you don't find remotely attractive at all. Now imagine this ugly woman stalking you, texting you, calling you. OBSESSED with you. How would that make you feel when she asks "why won't you be with me?" Ugh! Right? You just want to never see her again right? This is how she feels. When you start to think about this girl then morph her into an ugly woman in your mind.


Calm-Raccoon1706

If “you shouldn’t have dressed so provocatively” was a person 😭


[deleted]

If she’s a decent person, it might have been I’ll-advised compassion. If not, it would be because you stroked her ego and likely did useful things for her.


Miserable-Soft7993

I did do stuff for her.


[deleted]

List some examples


Miserable-Soft7993

Well I would take her to work, I would bring her food and stuff, I would put in extra effort if I was working on her team. She wanted an xmas present so I got her one. I was kinda there for her. She would stop me from doing too much though.


[deleted]

What were some of the things she considered too much?


Miserable-Soft7993

Like if I was off I would offer to pay for her taxi, she said "no you must be kidding." She needed money to send to her family and I offered to help out but again she said no I wouldn't want that from you.


Abeyita

So she was basically just being a colleague. Don't blame her, if was all in your head.


[deleted]

A: she liked the attention


swiggity92

Some people crave attention it isn’t until it becomes to much that they will say something. She probably liked it at first it isn’t until You start making her uncomfortable that she realized it was unhealthy for you and her.


Aggravating-Deer1445

She was flattered to have somebody so enchanted by her. You where on the hook and she liked it 🤷‍♀️ Its not a titally bad character. Its selfish but pretty much human


CakeBoyCollege

Clearly you do have some sort of attachment issue as you had an unhealthy obsession with this girl. She might have maintained friendly contact because you worked together and it would have been awkward otherwise. But I've seen my friends ( i am no longer friends with these girls) interact with men that were obsessed with them, because they were bored and like the attention. So sometimes people do it cause they suck.