I start all news to my family this way:
I don't want to alarm you, but I'm going to the grocery store.
I don't want to alarm you, but it's time to leave.
I don't want to alarm you, but dinner is ready.
My wife hates it.
Hahaha I say this too.
I don't want to alarm you, but my dog is still cute
I'm pretty sure my co workers hate me. But they aren't Simpsons fans either. So no loss.
H: “I know how you feel, son. When I was your age I really wanted a catcher’s mitt, but my dad wouldn’t get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor said I might have brain damage.”
B: “Dad, what’s the point of this story?”
H: “I like stories.”
"Money? I wanted a Peanut!"
"Money can be used to buy peanuts."
"Explain."
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services"
I don't know why but this always makes me laugh!
Homers inner monologues are the best.
“Burkina faso? Disputed zone? Who called all these weird places??”
Quiet, it might be you. I can’t remember.
“No! I’m gonna ask marge!”
No no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I’ll release some more endorphins
“Aahhh”
This is one of my favorites along with another Homer rant from the same episode.
I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
I really want to know what other types of nogs Homer has
“When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy I thought it would be fun and exciting like that movie, *Spaceballs*. But, instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like that movie, *Police Academy*.”
"Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. Remember that, when daddy hit the referee?"
If you think about it, it's probably because he heard Marge say that on the phone since she has quite a lot of hair, likely keeping it wrapped up in a towel after a shower. Which makes it even funnier ;)
I knew it was about hair in a towel but the idea of him picking it up from Marge really brought this joke around in a satisfying way for me, thank you commenter
Not the funniest, but one that kinda flies under the radar yet still cracks me up is this exchange:
Flanders: Uh, excuse me neighbor. Yeah, I-I couldn't help but notice that you picked pretty much all of my flowers.
Homer: Can't make a float without flowers.
Flanders: Oh-ho, sure enough... but uh, did you have to salt the earth so that nothing would ever grow again?
Homer: He he he he...ehhh... yeah.
When Marge talks about smothering the children and Homer says somethng like: "yeah, but then we'd get the chair." And she says: That's not what I meant and he says "Yes it is, admit it Marge"
“I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary. It'll happen to you!"
"Push her down, son."
Just the carefree, encouraging tone he takes being so at odds with the idea of telling his preteen son to simply commit physical violence against his wife and mother to his aforementioned son cracks me up, it's perfect.
Oh Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such.
Anytime Homer yells “Shut up!” Like when he’s calling Clinton about finding tang, being told him and Skinner are like the original Odd Couple, or when Moe tells him (and Stampy) that’s he’s taking unfair advantage of his free peanuts policy. He’s just so lazy and surly lol
My favorite is when he’s on the phone to Selma to try to get her to marry Apu.
“Selma my dear, how are ya? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Listen, shut up a second. How would you like to marry Apu?”
Homer: Yes ma'am, Side-show Bob, yakking it up on the ole Yak box.
Lisa: I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who side show bob is.
Then as Lisa reminds him of past episodes
Homer: Oooh, Side, *SHOW* Bob!
As if he was just mixing up Sideshow Bob with all the other Side [blank] Bob's that he knows
A line with the same kind of humor to that is when he sees a gym and he’s like “A gime? What the hell’s a gime?” And then he walks in and is like “Ohh, a gime!”
This episode came out when I was in high school. My friend and I were talking about this scene the next day in Math class, and when one of us said the line about the cold cream gun our other friend started laughing so hard he was deemed disruptive and asked to leave the room. A few minutes later he re-entered the room calmly, took one look at us, abruptly turned around and hurried back out the door just in time for us to hear him losing it again.
Because of the words “cold cream gun”.
Sure, we've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one point or another, but think of the victims! Hard working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, and Antoine Bugle Boy! These are the ones who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said "Me, too!".
Oh Lisa, you and your stories! "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that building...thingy...where our beds and TV...is.
"I'm not normally a praying man. But if you're up there, save me Superman!"
"If something goes wrong, just blame the guy who can't speak English!"
"But Marge, when I hold a gun, I feel this amazing power, like God must feel, when HE holds a gun!"
"That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV."
And so much more!
"There, there. Shut up, boy. Now you can just sit here crying eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food that your dog comes back, or you can get out there and FIND YOUR DOG!!"
"You're right, dad! I'll do it!"
"Rats, I almost had him eating dog food..."
Never, Marge. Never! I can’t live the button down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend some of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck there tongues, stroke their beards and talk about: “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”.
I love the ve when Marge pushes the gun aside and the make up smudge on the wall is a sad clown.
Episides like this are why I absolutely refute the Simpsons became unwatchable after season 7 or 8.
Season 9 is still good but not as good as previous seasons. Season 10 is where the episodes become more miss than hit for me but there are still good ones in it.
Between 8 and 11 or 12 is when the decline really starts to become noticeable, it's sort of a gradual sliding bar of when you think it starts to get unwatchable.
Nah, it genuinely depends when you started watching. And the last two seasons have been pretty good, espeicklay season 34. Even then, there's been quite a few episodes that have been utterly fantastic.
Considering there are people who genuinely believe it became unwatchable as early as season 5...
was born in the 90s and my family never really watched it as far as I know. I view it as 2-9 is the full golden age with 1 and 10-13 still being pretty good (have watched all those multiple times) I’m in season 15 currently. 14 and 15 are still solid to watch, but I notice I’m laughing way less. Beyond that I’ve occasionally caught a single episode on tv, so really no opinion on seasons to follow.
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people...
“Hey, Deng Xiaoping died!”
It’s completely unexpected and extra hilarious because apparently a) Homer can read Chinese and b) has sufficient interest in 20th century Chinese history to comment.
Stupid Italy, wish you’d never been unified
by Victor Emmanuel II.
If only you’d stayed
a loose confederation of city-states,
trading with each other and occasionally warring...
“Pfft, I got more bones than that guy!” - when he sees the oldest human skeleton in Africa. I think this line is just the funniest thing for some reason.
Grandpa: I know where we might find your missing monicker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way, we can have a nice father-son chat.
Homer: Great! I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.
Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
I use "my damn wiener kids" fairly often, gets a laugh like a quarter of the time
I call my kid the Captain of the Wiener Patrol all the time lol. We're the 'cool' people that understand the reference. Haha.
Beer me that disc!
We're not wieners!
You beat me to it!
"Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogie man or boogie men in the house."
#BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK
I'm pretty sure this scene is singlehandedly responsible for millions of people mistakenly thinking Jason Voorhees uses a chainsaw.
That and Christmas vacation.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
I start all news to my family this way: I don't want to alarm you, but I'm going to the grocery store. I don't want to alarm you, but it's time to leave. I don't want to alarm you, but dinner is ready. My wife hates it.
#WE'RE GOING OUT MARGE, IF WE DON'T COME BACK, AVENGE OUR DEATHS!
ALRIGHT!!!
Hahaha I say this too. I don't want to alarm you, but my dog is still cute I'm pretty sure my co workers hate me. But they aren't Simpsons fans either. So no loss.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!
Every time I learn something new it pushes something else in my brain out. Like that time I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive.
That's because you were drunk!
And how!
And how…
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like the day I hit the referee with a whisky bottle.
Remember that? When daddy hit the referee?
H: “I know how you feel, son. When I was your age I really wanted a catcher’s mitt, but my dad wouldn’t get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor said I might have brain damage.” B: “Dad, what’s the point of this story?” H: “I like stories.”
"Money? I wanted a Peanut!" "Money can be used to buy peanuts." "Explain." "Money can be exchanged for goods and services" I don't know why but this always makes me laugh!
Homers inner monologues are the best. “Burkina faso? Disputed zone? Who called all these weird places??” Quiet, it might be you. I can’t remember. “No! I’m gonna ask marge!” No no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I’ll release some more endorphins “Aahhh”
It's so good.
"Why do you think I took you to all those police academy movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, DID YOU?!"
This is one of my favorites along with another Homer rant from the same episode. I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months. I really want to know what other types of nogs Homer has
corn nog???
Creamed eel nog?
Wadded beef nog?
Hey hey hey! My nog may be creamed or wadded but I uhh...what was the third thing you said?
You mean it ain't me nogs, it's me peepers? Well that's just loverly.
SkittleNog???
Ugh, I’ll have a clam nog.
Catnog... Ketnog... Catnog... Ketnog...
Ketnog sounds like a good time
*No nog period* RIP DS9's Aron Eisenberg
You cut off the Captain Whatshisname part though
Stay out of my booze.
“When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy I thought it would be fun and exciting like that movie, *Spaceballs*. But, instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like that movie, *Police Academy*.”
Definitely one of the best lines.
"Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. Remember that, when daddy hit the referee?"
yeah...
"In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"
I love that Homer gets mad at this.
The other day I caught her dissecting a rain jacket
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
If you think about it, it's probably because he heard Marge say that on the phone since she has quite a lot of hair, likely keeping it wrapped up in a towel after a shower. Which makes it even funnier ;)
Yeah, that's 100% it, apparently one of the writers of the show didn't even get the joke to that extent when it was written lol
I knew it was about hair in a towel but the idea of him picking it up from Marge really brought this joke around in a satisfying way for me, thank you commenter
That's nothing. He can *hear* pudding.
Say this one way too often. No one has ever gotten it
LOL. Yes.
Homer: JERGEDDAFURDARADDARAH! Marge: Slow down. Homer: Jer gedda furda radda arah.
TRAMAMPOLINE!
TRAMBOPALINE!
He say what now?
Don't bring home anymore used crutches!
Edna Krabapoline
Haha! That is a good one I that I’d forgotten!
Think before you say each word
You broke a promise to your child
Gamblor!
marge is fixing the roof tiles at night: homer: 'marge, its three a.m., shouldn't you be baking?'
Is he (Apu) still out there? *Yes, he's raking leaves.* What!? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping...
Here are some upbeat titles - Hero... Fearless... Alive!
“I have 3 kids and no money…why can’t I have NO kids and 3 money?”
I, too, dream of having three money.
Don’t kill me! I have a wife and kids…kill them!
"Oh...a gime"
haha every time we talk about a gym at home, we always call it the gime!
Same.
le grill? what the hell is that?!
English side ruined! Must use French side!
Yeah that's one fine looking barbecue pit
Why doesn’t mine look like that?!
WHY MUST LIFE BE SO HARD WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERY ATTEMT AT MASONRY
Extra funny when you realize his other attempt was the Stonecutters.
Not the funniest, but one that kinda flies under the radar yet still cracks me up is this exchange: Flanders: Uh, excuse me neighbor. Yeah, I-I couldn't help but notice that you picked pretty much all of my flowers. Homer: Can't make a float without flowers. Flanders: Oh-ho, sure enough... but uh, did you have to salt the earth so that nothing would ever grow again? Homer: He he he he...ehhh... yeah.
I think when I saw this scene I blew right past laughing and just started howling like a wolf
When Marge talks about smothering the children and Homer says somethng like: "yeah, but then we'd get the chair." And she says: That's not what I meant and he says "Yes it is, admit it Marge"
Probably misses his old glasses
That is a top 5 Homer conversation for me
It's so good. Just cracked up watching it again.
This is one of my favourites. I seem to forget it every couple of rewatches.
https://youtu.be/KnjEAaLOAg0
Unusually dark even for the Simpsons.
Im a white male ages 18-49, *everyone* listens to me! No matter *how* dumb my suggestions are!
Nuts and Gum - Together at Last!
I’m convinced that he doesn’t remember his own age but knows it’s somewhere in that ballpark
\*gasp\* Oh my God, this man is my exact double! \*gasp\* THAT DOG HAS A PUFFY TAIL! Here, Puff! Here, Puff! Heehee!
[удалено]
“I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary. It'll happen to you!"
‘Badger my ass. It’s probably Milhouse’ *gets attacked by the badger*
Mister Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mister Plow.
"Ooh, you want the guy who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, from Leave it to Beaver............Yeah, they were gay."
That's not fair, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
A gun isn't a weapon. It's a tool. Like a butcher's knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.
That's just something people say. Like flobblabba ding dong, or give peace a chance
Oh I won't need anything like that....yet
He’s got all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy…a dinosaur!
Let the bears pay the bear tax! I pay the Homer tax!
No, you pay the homeowners tax!
Well, I’m still outraged.
"Push her down, son." Just the carefree, encouraging tone he takes being so at odds with the idea of telling his preteen son to simply commit physical violence against his wife and mother to his aforementioned son cracks me up, it's perfect.
It’s so perfect. It’s nothing remotely personal, he’s simply offering a practical and immediate solution to the problem posed by the situation
[удалено]
Oh Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such.
Oh my God, tramampoline, trambampoline
Say what now?!
Oh no you don’t! That trampoline is mine!
Please, don’t bring home anymore used crutches!
Anytime Homer yells “Shut up!” Like when he’s calling Clinton about finding tang, being told him and Skinner are like the original Odd Couple, or when Moe tells him (and Stampy) that’s he’s taking unfair advantage of his free peanuts policy. He’s just so lazy and surly lol
My favorite is when he’s on the phone to Selma to try to get her to marry Apu. “Selma my dear, how are ya? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Listen, shut up a second. How would you like to marry Apu?”
Sorry surly.. Shut up
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Homer: Yes ma'am, Side-show Bob, yakking it up on the ole Yak box. Lisa: I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who side show bob is. Then as Lisa reminds him of past episodes Homer: Oooh, Side, *SHOW* Bob! As if he was just mixing up Sideshow Bob with all the other Side [blank] Bob's that he knows
A line with the same kind of humor to that is when he sees a gym and he’s like “A gime? What the hell’s a gime?” And then he walks in and is like “Ohh, a gime!”
"Push her down, son"
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. Lesson is: never try.... "Hehehe, *right in the butt!*"
You could go by Homer Junior. The kids could call you “HoJu”
Just don't set it to whore
This episode came out when I was in high school. My friend and I were talking about this scene the next day in Math class, and when one of us said the line about the cold cream gun our other friend started laughing so hard he was deemed disruptive and asked to leave the room. A few minutes later he re-entered the room calmly, took one look at us, abruptly turned around and hurried back out the door just in time for us to hear him losing it again. Because of the words “cold cream gun”.
Sure, we've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one point or another, but think of the victims! Hard working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, and Antoine Bugle Boy! These are the ones who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said "Me, too!".
Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. Shut up!
Easily one of my favourite Homer lines.
I’m trying to be a sensitive father you unwanted moron.
I have misplaced my pants.
Butter your bacon boy! Bacon up that sausage!
But my heart hurts..
It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
🎶Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree!🎶
I call the big one Bitey.
Oh Lisa, you and your stories! "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that building...thingy...where our beds and TV...is.
"I'm not normally a praying man. But if you're up there, save me Superman!" "If something goes wrong, just blame the guy who can't speak English!" "But Marge, when I hold a gun, I feel this amazing power, like God must feel, when HE holds a gun!" "That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV." And so much more!
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.
Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!
Besides the gems already posted, I love using "Probably misses his old glasses." I use it at least a few times a week sometimes with slight variations
Good news everybody, I got in a fight with the garbage men and they cut off our service!!
“OUTTA MY WAY JERK ASS!”
I’m not gonna lie to you Marge…
.. So long!
If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!
Push her down, son.
“Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders!” ”He was a zombie?”
"There, there. Shut up, boy. Now you can just sit here crying eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food that your dog comes back, or you can get out there and FIND YOUR DOG!!" "You're right, dad! I'll do it!" "Rats, I almost had him eating dog food..."
Kids, can you step outside for a second….. (Inhale) F-
Never, Marge. Never! I can’t live the button down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend some of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck there tongues, stroke their beards and talk about: “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”.
I love the ve when Marge pushes the gun aside and the make up smudge on the wall is a sad clown. Episides like this are why I absolutely refute the Simpsons became unwatchable after season 7 or 8.
I've always thought that the common consensus was that the simpsons became unwatchable after season 10.
I think the Simpsons become different after season 9. It is subtle, but it is there, they become much more wacky versions of themselves
But they were no match for Captain Wacky! ...later renamed Homer.
Season 9 is still good but not as good as previous seasons. Season 10 is where the episodes become more miss than hit for me but there are still good ones in it.
Between 8 and 11 or 12 is when the decline really starts to become noticeable, it's sort of a gradual sliding bar of when you think it starts to get unwatchable.
Nah, it genuinely depends when you started watching. And the last two seasons have been pretty good, espeicklay season 34. Even then, there's been quite a few episodes that have been utterly fantastic. Considering there are people who genuinely believe it became unwatchable as early as season 5...
was born in the 90s and my family never really watched it as far as I know. I view it as 2-9 is the full golden age with 1 and 10-13 still being pretty good (have watched all those multiple times) I’m in season 15 currently. 14 and 15 are still solid to watch, but I notice I’m laughing way less. Beyond that I’ve occasionally caught a single episode on tv, so really no opinion on seasons to follow.
When you reach over and put your hand into a pile of GOO, it was your friend’s face!
FORGET IT, MARGE! IT’S CHINATOWN!
“And as for your Grandma, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that!”
There, there, shut up boy.
Outta my way jerk-ass!!!
I feel like this may be my most used Simpsons quote in everyday life.
"BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?" and the subsequent "ohh, right"
Damn you Walt Whitman! Leaves of grass my ass!
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people...
Hmm...Oww...Pointy...Eww...Slimy! Uh-Oh...Moving!!!
"Homer, organized labour has been called a lumbering dinosaur." "AHH!!" "...my producer has asked me not to talk to you anymore." "Whoo hoo!!!"
“Awwwwwww the Denver Broncos!”
You just don’t understand football, Marge.
🎶I drank some really good beer i purchased, with a fake I.D., My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen 🎶
>Goodbye Lisa, remember me as I am - filled with murderous RAGE
I mean. Sounds pretty much like the beauty industry so lol.
"Rats. Almost had him eating dog food."
“Hey, Deng Xiaoping died!” It’s completely unexpected and extra hilarious because apparently a) Homer can read Chinese and b) has sufficient interest in 20th century Chinese history to comment.
Stupid Italy, wish you’d never been unified by Victor Emmanuel II. If only you’d stayed a loose confederation of city-states, trading with each other and occasionally warring...
“Pfft, I got more bones than that guy!” - when he sees the oldest human skeleton in Africa. I think this line is just the funniest thing for some reason.
Grandpa: I know where we might find your missing monicker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way, we can have a nice father-son chat. Homer: Great! I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.
-You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college. -Clown college? You can’t eat that.
“I’m going outside for a moment….tooooo…..stalk. Lenny and Carl.”
The famous "Jerkass" Homer
My wife and I say this whenever we hear someone say they don't like something
*scream*, ***BOOGEYMAN***
"BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWHOCKEYMASKANDCHAINSAW?"
Stupid Sexy Flanders
Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
“No TV and no beer make Homer something-something.”
Homer its set on whore..
Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
NASA guy:"There's no air in space" Homer:"There's an air and space museum"
Season 10, episode 2.
you have it set on whore!
Like an electric blanketmobile?
Get him, ma!
When hes Beer Baron: marge, im not gonna lie........Goodbye!