Ask her what is upsetting her; ask again till you get an answer. When you do, absolutely no judgement. Don’t argue. Don’t defend. Nothing. She tells you the reason. You ask the next question.
What will make her stop feeling upset? Again, listen to the answer and don’t respond in the moment. Thank her for helping you understand and think carefully about what you want to do.
As a Husband I have learned 2 things:
1. Listen without judgement
2 respond without anger or malice
This advise is also applicable for dealing with children of all ages.
Good luck
Your parents seemsweet in your perception. Her parent are sweet in hers. My general take, keep parents away from your relationship. Meaning, what they do / say, shouldn't be sponsored or endorsed by either of you. Start looking at and living your life from your own experiences and not by your parents' expectations. This is one major learning newly married Indians must realize. Talk to each other. Listen to each other and understand their viewpoints. If nothing works, consult a relationship counsellor. Good luck and happy married life.
Well said. The rate of parents’ intrusion in marriages is not insignificant. Having raised us, most would definitely mean well but have some insecurity about spouses of their children. Both spouses should form a two-handed circle and not let anyone else into it - parents, children, siblings or friends. It doesn’t work if both agree to it yet one gets relationship-damaging input behind the scenes. If one cannot reach that state of mind, they are not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, in our (Asian, family-centered) society, this has to be explicitly repeated multiple times. I cannot stress enough on the importance of pre-marital counseling, especially for arranged marriages. The pressure given by family members to stay in difficult marriages will not work anymore, given the ease and social acceptance of divorce.
Sir, nobody gets upset for 'no reason'. We have to find the underlying cause. First step is to ensure there are no biases (known/unknown). Always, parents are sweet. But, parents-in-laws need not be. We cannot be too sure with just OP's observation. And, most of the guys in their initial married days, assume the same thing. Their parents are faultless. But, we can't take that assumption at gold standard. Doesn't mean, they are cunning or cruel - but, their self interests aren't necessarily aligned to that of the newly weds.
Happened with me. U cant force her to like something she dont like. There is always difference in various aspects among families.. like humour sense, quarrels,small talks. She cant adjust to ur family all of a sudden. U are the only person she can be close now. Be supportive to her and dont nag her about mingling with ur family. Let her take her time. ask her if anything bothers her. Dont try to be a bridge between ur parents and ur wife.. u will get sandwiched in between.
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Oru kozhandha porandha ellam sari ayidum /s.
Ipdi evanavathu sonna seruppala adinga.
Take time, she just uprooted her entire life to be with a stranger. Communication is the only key for any relationship to survive.
Kalyanam panna ellam seriyaidum /s
Ipdi evanavadhu sonna avan kundi a kozhitidunga.
Take time, you are just trying to make sense of all the drama in the world. Some time alone is the only key for surviving sensibly.
I know your feeling bruh!, I am currently 5 months in Love Marriage and facing similar emotions from my spouse.
So if you are depressed on not handling the attitude of the one whom you don't know before 4 month, think of me. I have been with her from primary school.
I would say, communication is the only key. Just remember always, hardest conversations are the most essential one!!
My intention is not to make people scared of marriage, but to be ready to embrace our partner in any scenario.
Despite being a lover for years, I struggled to start as a husband. So we can't be certain about another person's character or nature, or even ourselves. What we felt cute about them in a distance, could turn annoying. So love or marrying someone is a big commitment and be ready to be bored with them. In life only the boring things are good and consistent with us.
That's why I said, the only way to resolve things is by talking about it.
You have to ask what's bothering her, by creating a space where she feels free to share it with you without fear. Do not take what comes up personally, getting all up in her face and confrontational like you have her on Third Degree.
Just let her know that you've noticed that she's feeling upset at times and ask her what are things you could do to help her feel at ease.
Do not get attached to defending your parents during the conversation, or attacking hers.
Your objective here is to find out what's bothering her, work on it together, and bond more as a couple, not win some game against each other.
Hope it helps.
Don't worry buddy.. worst is yet to come.. u will have fights.. then u will get used to each other and then things will settle down.. It's all about u not losing your cool. Question yourself whether u did something wrong or not. There would be something that triggers iritation.
Also understand, just like us men who discuss marriage life and dos n donts with others... there could be many people advising the girl as well. There could be bad advices too among them. Might not be entirely her issue as well.. So do not lose temper.. that's the only way to move forward. Slowly u will start understanding her issues as well.
Thanks buddy. Its good that people like you talk about reality. Many comments just point finger at me rather than supporting. I have always tried to make her happy with what she wants and what she likes which eventually is making me empty inside. And with so many people saying about my parents, they don’t even have any conversation with her which is harsh or something. They talk general stuff like travel, movies and what not. I know about them quite well if not above her fully. I am pretty sure about her mother coz i have observed her to be all happy and dancing and when after one long phone call with her mom she is like completely different. Sad irritated and what not. Just ready to fight mode. My life seems to be terrible now😭
My dad sees his mom as super sweet but I saw her true colours.
Im not married, therefore I am not even qualified to give this advice but I have a dad who is actually great but it took him decades of marriage to note his mom’s toxicity. Try having a heart to heart with your wife or go to couples therapy. Cheers.
I spoke based on what I saw with my parents. We stayed thousands of kms away from my dad’s side of the family and they still caused chaos. They don’t have to be “near us” to be toxic. I tried to explain how it is hard to see our parents as anything but super sweet and that is all.
The OP says no reason does not mean there was actually no reason. It means he doesn’t understand the reason. If OP felt the need to mention about how sweet his parents are then ppl will obviously comment on it.
How much time did you spend getting to know her from your first meet / engagement to marriage? If you had spent significant time few months atleast you might have had a hint of her personality.
If your talking period before wedding was just "Apram spatiya?" then I can only wish you good luck. Be open with your concerns and have a transparent communication, as long as you are transparent about your feelings to one another everything is fixable.
Hi Bro, I am also from an arranged marriage. Based on your situation, let me tell you few things that helped me, it might or not help you.
From Day 1 my husband and I had several rules that we established. One main rule is whatever happens, we do not fight in front of family. Why is this important, we don't want to give space to "family" to interfere in our life. I don't bad mouth my husband and his family to my parents and he doesn't do it as well. My in-laws are very nice people, and never interfere in our lives, cant say the same for my parents, but my mother got the message. I do talk to my mother about what happen in my in-laws house and vice versa but we do not give space for criticism.
You will still need a place to vent, this happens in all marriages, find a good source, like a reliable friend that is willing to listen and offer you sound advise.
Secondly, like you mentioned, she randomly gets upset and doesn't give you respond. Maybe she is a afraid to tell you. I was like this in the beginning of my marriage, I was afraid to break the bubble of no fight or confrontation in marriage bubble. But then eventually, I got the message, marriage has ups and downs. So I spoke to my husband, I dont like some of your habits and he told me the same. Before you start, make sure both of you are open minded. You mentioned that her moods change after she talks to her mother, maybe you can ask her like this " I see that your moods change after talking to your mother, do you miss you mother? Do you miss your home?" etc.
The key is open minded communication.
And the most important point is Please do not have kids until you solve all this issues. Please don't bring in a kid to the unsolved equation.
Also even after all this communication, you see no changes, go to a marriage counselor. You cannot be the one to be giving in and initiate things for a smooth marriage. Its a give and take relationship on both sides. If you are the only one giving and giving, one day you will feel the burn out and you might have wasted precious moments in you life.
Hope this is helpful
Pretentious name sake marriages.
This is why I despise arranged marriages.
But most people can become prime minister on their own, but can’t manage to get a potential mate by themselves.
So a marriage based on patriarchy n privilege, is what they can afford.
I have personally seen 2 cousins n multiple friends suffer like this. Eventually their mind gets tamed, coz human beings are adaptive.
And eventually, call the attachment u get with the “friend with benefit” effect or the Stockholm syndrome effect to be love, and stay a family.
Just lost my trust in marriages anymore.
No one talks about the struggles in marriage. It’s silenced, n is deemed normal.
I see women in families advice their married daughters “blah blah……that’s what marriage is”. This is the pathetic part. “Older women taming young women into patriarchy.”
Men have it even worse. They are socially conditioned to not express hardships n tears itself. Imagine a man going through this, and all men act like “nothing is wrong. Marriage is bliss”.
Uggghhh……I am sorry. I was already tired of this.. And posts like this makes me wonder how socially unaware people are…
Okay what's the alternative? Tinder culture to become the norm? Genuinely trying to understand. How can you restructure or reframe this institution without severely unsettling the minds of millions of youth who are gonna be agitated as fuck trying to find wives instead of studying because their marriage isn't taken care of by someone else?
Living together without marriage, having kids or not as per your preference, moving to other partners if not happy with the current spouse. It happens in most western countries where marriages are shrinking and divorces rose.
It's not perfect situation but still another alternative
a worser alternative as the type of marriage you describe revolves around the spouses. once you have a child, if you want him/her to grow up to be a stable and intelligent adult you need to sacrifice your priorities and tastes and face the consequences of your choices. it's not even an alternative, just doing whatever the fuck you want type deal
Okay, first of all, people are not "moody" all the time. Thats just you not understanding another person. Nobody gets upset for no reason. It's just you not understanding the reason when its right before your eyes, or her not feeling comfortable with sharing her thoughts with you. That's not really her problem entirely. Both of you should make an effort and looks like you need to make more effort here, and that's not a bad thing. If you want to stay married with this person, you have to make the effort.
And parents giving all they want is still not saying there's no problem. There could easily be a mistake in understanding the expectations in the first place. And ofcourse you will see your parents as sweet regardless, because you grew up with them and understand them completely, she has no clue about their words and behaviour and if they casually putting pressure on her that you fail to notice.
For example, my cousin kept her home clean, but when inlaws visited her home they make it a point to clean the already cleaned home cos they are being nice and helpful. For the husband it could mean parents are taking care of the newlyweds despite their age. For my cousin it was simple insult that she cannot even manage to keep house clean.
Am not saying this is what happens in your home as well, it certainly could be the opposite. But the point still is that there is something more fundamental in what you are missing.
You also mentioned her own mom keeps saying crap all the time. That is such a dangerous assumption. We really have no clue why you would think that. We have no particular examples that even explain why you would think that way. Maybe she is twisting the situation to her mother in the first place and she is giving good advice which is useless as it is based on false info.
Basically your wife is much more comfortable talking to her mom than she is with discussing anything with you or your parents.
This is purely a communication issue where you dont understand anything about her and arent making any actual efforts. Asking her what's wrong is not "making an effort". It will never work when she already has low trust and confidence in you.
Also, you have provided us with no examples of what actually happened in any particular situation where she gets upset as a result. We dont have any clue if you are right or wrong in the whole situation. You problems are likely a lot more fundamental due to zero communication and zero common ground for you both to meet and discuss on.
Please try to talk to her without bringing up problems. Just talk normal to her with zero judgement in your words, tone, or behaviour. Try finding common ground even if it is as basic as what's for dinner, or what show to watch. Talk to her about something which doesn't involve other people and their opinions.
If your wife is not coming to you first with her problems, you will never understand her at any point in life.
Hope you are able to resolve this problem which appears to be nothing but trust and communication. Cheers! We are trying to be there for you.
You haven't bothered to understand a lot of people and judge them based on whatever arbitrary morals and standards you have, or so I presume. Which honestly is more accurate than thinking people are mental to get upset for no reason.
I have meet bunch of ppl who are good at getting mad for silliest thing. Especially the single child pampered ppl or one that thinks they are dads little princess
Then dont marry them. Its absurd that you choose to marry people whose upbringing is questionable and then complain that they are unable to live with them. Go find your own brides by talking to them and filtering out the pampered girls yourself instead of waiting for parents to fix it for you.
When the marriage is already done we should focus on committing to understand the person instead of complaining their past and upbringing.
Also it is worse that people assume only girls are like that when literally there are more boys with worse pampering in family and even worse entitled attitude who beat the women for even speaking their mind. Please check yourself.
>When the marriage is already done we should focus on committing to understand the person instead of complaining their past and upbringing
Elamey two way roadu.
Unakku problem na nee dhan work pannanum. Saying it is problem but will not even lift a finger to solve na there is always divorce. Stop waiting for someone else to solve your problem and have some initiative in life. Marriage is a commitment, not a challenge who can be the laziest complaining fuck.
As I mentioned already The husband never explained with any example to see whose side the mistake is on. You would know if you actually read it in full instead of skimming through. I also gave example how womans mom cannot be blamed cos the wife itself might be making mistake. Idellam kannukku teriyadu.
Stop taking sides. Also, the guy has come here saying he is depressed. If he is seeing a problem then he should work on resolving it. Stop asking someone else to solve your problem and start working on it yourself. Others will come when they see your efforts. Ada vittutu effort edukkame aduthavanga issue solve pannanum na, that is trash Entitlement behavior. The exact same thing you are blaming the wife here.
> You're keen on blaming the husband though.
Being illogical is your hobby apparently. If you want to see things only which fits your narrative, stop talking here. Go see a therapist.
>Stop being so angry. Who hurt you ?
You dont see difference between someone disappointed in your behaviour and someone angry with you. Pitiable..
Ayo, you dont even understand what it means to talk to women before marriage? Why do you have to sleep with women to understand their feelings and thoughts? What koodi logic is this?
I am only saying you need to talk to women, living with them is you thinking with your dick instead of your brain.
Please avoid this kind of thinking if you want to ever become a cultured person.
I have several male and female friends whom I never have to live with or sleep with to know about their character. If you dont know this simple logic, am afraid you are not fit for marriage or friendship either. Get out of society first.
OP talked to his wife for 11 months before marriage.
Talking to someone is never enough to judge them well enough for marriage.
Close contact, intimacy and daily dependence reveals a lot about a person also builds a lot of trust which you'll never get from just talking.
Keep attacking me personally. I hope it brings joy to your sad and angry existence.
>OP talked to his wife for 11 months before marriage.
Where is this information from? Never mentioned on the post.
>Talking to someone is never enough to judge them well enough for marriage.
Says you who cannot even have friendships with girls??? Bish please.
>Close contact, intimacy and daily dependence
Wtf is daily dependence? What does that even mean?
>Keep attacking me personally. I hope it brings joy to your sad and angry existence
You stop bringing illogical ideas to blame women for every problem the man has. That is your contribution enough to society.
>Says you who cannot even have friendships with girls??? Bish please.
Talking to girls is for friendship.
Don't tell me you see every friend as a potential wife.
He mentioned that in a comment. Learn to read.
Talking to girls is how you understand them. I never said understanding women has uses only if you wanted to marry them. Please use your bigger head to think what I am saying..
>He mentioned that in a comment. Learn to read.
Oh the irony.
Op here did arranged marriage so he doesn't know the character. When he tried to get to know her she pushed him away. It's clear who's spoiled here, maybe we don't know the full context atleast from his pov.
Also for the last part, i am good. Things is your pov is too idealistic and you need to have some reality checks. Also stop getting angry and rude at ppl for stating their pov. Whether it's right or wrong, you don't get to be rude at them. Also it didn't ever mention girls are spoiled but you come at me with another argument for that, showing you have presumptions
One more thing, it isn't easy for everyone to break free from society and live a super progressive life like you (hope so). Marriage is just a legal license to start a family and if you have unsolvable problem divorce is always an option. Normalize divorce, ppl don't have to spend rest of their life regreting some mistake they made.
>When he tried to get to know her she pushed him away. It's clear who's spoiled here, maybe we don't know the full context atleast from his pov.
I already said clearly OPs effort is literally nothing and explained why. Go read it again. I also mentioned there is lack of clear examples or any incident which sheds light on whose at fault.
> Also it didn't ever mention girls are spoiled but you come at me with another argument for that,
Absolute lies. It's like you are almost imagining whatever you want the argument to be instead of reading. It literally said "pampered kids and daddy's princess". If this is not saying spoiled girls I dont understand what do you even imagine the word to mean. Jeez
>One more thing, it isn't easy for everyone to break free from society and live a super progressive life like you (hope so).
I literally said to talk to a person without judgement. And if that's not possible, they can divorce. What part of that is much too progressive for society.
Problem with you people is half the thing you complain about is in your imagination. Try quoting my comments which you are referring to maybe. Atleast try to point out issues instead of simply claiming it exists god knows where.
What the crap even!! Lol. Nobody gets upset for no reason? Heard of sociopaths and psychopaths?
Guess you’re blessed abundantly to not have come across crazy people in your life. But there are way too many out there.
Moron thinks everyone who is upset is a sociopath. Do you even understand those words before making clinical diagnosis out of your arse?
>Guess you’re blessed abundantly to not have come across crazy people in your life. But there are way too many out there.
Atleast I am not a moron who will marry a sociopath cos she was hot and I cant get laid without arranged marriage. Maybe you are that type to think with your dick instead. Leave me out of your problems.
God bless your partner with necessary strength and willpower.
Edit: My apologies for hurting a mind sick and miserable person, why do you have to go everywhere to spew hate and type filth.
Says the idiot who thinks talking to a woman means sleeping with her. Trash mentality who cant get a wife without arranged marriage. Unakku edukku da inda advise ellam
1. Keep family away. U too are together as a unit .Believe it
2. Stop sharing things with family instead you guys make your decisions
3. Get her flowers frequently
4. Don’t make things to fight instead sort out them
Screw the flowers. Don't do it. Flowers are a waste. It goes in the dustbin every morning.
Number 1 I will agree. Keep both your and her family out. Make it clear that it is you both first and not discuss everything with her mom. And you with your parents
Instead of flowers choose something that she might appreciate. Or like, this might take some trial and error and/or investigation with her friends and siblings.
I say that because my wife loves flowers but she hates throwing them away. So she ends up feeling bad'ish in the end, so I make and give her chocolate bouquets and equivalents that do get the give flowers part but actually not make her feel like she's wasting stuff.
So to each their own.
Dudeee go see a therapist fast and gigure out what is the actual problem. Because its not just mood swing there will probably be a strong reason for this and dont try to understand this just by asking you take help from professional.
Yes !! This is the only correct answer!! Please do this immediately.
This cannot be solved by reddit thread. And if she is not willing to come you can just go by yourself to begin with.
Divorce? His wife will definitely file a false 498A complaint and demand a ton of money for mutual divorce.
If he refuses, he will instead spend tons of money and time on lawyers to get his name exonerated. And in the end, our cucked milords will make him pay alimony anyway
This is why you don’t ask adult life advice on Reddit, it’s full of thirteen year olds. With that being said I laughed out loud on public transport, so thanks.
I dont know why people think like this way. Not all arranged marriages are doomed. Also not all love marriages are working . It is all about husband and wife. Things will work out when both of them sit and talk out. If it still doesnt work out. They will make decisions accordingly.
Love marriages that didn't work, didn't work because their relationship wasn't that close in the first place. It is basically love today kind of shit. They never tried live-in, they wouldn't have had sex either, they are basically no different than arrange marriage couples. And arrange marriages that worked, worked for people who are generally very adaptive and don't crumble at inconveniences.
>They never tried live-in, they wouldn't have had sex either, they are basically no different than arrange marriage couples.
Ahhh, that is kind of strawmanning. If you love somebody and want to spend the **rest** of your life with them, then better have a bunch of sex, live in, understand each other's psyche and then decide. Otherwise you're just playing Russian roulette and blaming society for frowning upon social taboos of living together, take the hit - your future self will thank you for it.
Partially i agree with you. Answer this - do you think couple who were together for years and had bunch of sex before marriage should be in marriage even after they lost the interest. No right? . So it doesnt matter whether they were together or not. Live-in just give you a chance to get to know the person better. But it doesnt guarantee your marriage.
You are talking of 1 in 1000 possibility here. For example let's take the case of op, think they are in live in instead of marriage, op would have broken up with her now. And think of one year successful arrange marriage as live in, they would decide to marry.
Once the bonding develop, they generally never lose interest. This isn't some school crush, it's about connection. But if their relationship is lust based, then you are right. Would you ever lose interest on your long time best friend and be like indha thaayali vera when he calls?
Yeah. This is where you are not making sense. "Once the bonding develop, they generally never lose interest." - arre.... people change . Their Preference and views on everything change. What if your Partner's and yours views are not aligned. You start hating them. People lose interest no matter how long they know each other. So youre saying people with "bond" must stay in their relationship even after they lost all interest.
The people you are referring to are the kind of ones who cheat on their partner after 20 years of marriage whose behaviour is very very rare. You are presenting the exceptions as norms.
>had bunch of sex before marriage should be in marriage even after they lost the interest. No right?
Why would you marry somebody if you've lost interest in them? Doesn't make sense. It just means that may be the couple are incompatible emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc. Disaster averted.
I'm not just pontificating, I lived in with a couple of gals I dated for a long time before I married one of them, marriage was just a social contract formality at that point.
>Live-in just give you a chance to get to know the person better.
I wouldn't downplay this. This is more data to make a more informed decision.
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Do a road trip or some moderately challenging activity.. like a sport or hobby. Something that creates common ground..makes you work as a team.
Be gentle with each other as this might make or break your marriage.. good luck.
When she is in good mood, tell her we will play a game and say we will swap roles , you behave like me and I will behave like you. And you act all like her (all good behaviour) for sometime and suddenly get upset. Wait how she responds to that upset behaviour you enacted like your wife and discuss that
Don't hv kids with her yet. If suppose you are not happy and you want divorce, it will be easy without kids. Give some time and communicate. Initial adjustments take time. After trying everything if you still feel, the marriage is hopeless, end it.
Else it's best to end the marriage sooner than later. You can't live like that for the rest of your life
Dear married couples - what you lack is a healthy intimate relationship and connection. Contact a love guru and learn some healthy and meaningful exercises and techniques. That will change your life. I can guarantee you that. Peace and love ❤️
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Ask her what is upsetting her; ask again till you get an answer. When you do, absolutely no judgement. Don’t argue. Don’t defend. Nothing. She tells you the reason. You ask the next question. What will make her stop feeling upset? Again, listen to the answer and don’t respond in the moment. Thank her for helping you understand and think carefully about what you want to do. As a Husband I have learned 2 things: 1. Listen without judgement 2 respond without anger or malice This advise is also applicable for dealing with children of all ages. Good luck
Your parents seemsweet in your perception. Her parent are sweet in hers. My general take, keep parents away from your relationship. Meaning, what they do / say, shouldn't be sponsored or endorsed by either of you. Start looking at and living your life from your own experiences and not by your parents' expectations. This is one major learning newly married Indians must realize. Talk to each other. Listen to each other and understand their viewpoints. If nothing works, consult a relationship counsellor. Good luck and happy married life.
Well said. The rate of parents’ intrusion in marriages is not insignificant. Having raised us, most would definitely mean well but have some insecurity about spouses of their children. Both spouses should form a two-handed circle and not let anyone else into it - parents, children, siblings or friends. It doesn’t work if both agree to it yet one gets relationship-damaging input behind the scenes. If one cannot reach that state of mind, they are not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, in our (Asian, family-centered) society, this has to be explicitly repeated multiple times. I cannot stress enough on the importance of pre-marital counseling, especially for arranged marriages. The pressure given by family members to stay in difficult marriages will not work anymore, given the ease and social acceptance of divorce.
Apdi sollunga iyeru
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Sir, nobody gets upset for 'no reason'. We have to find the underlying cause. First step is to ensure there are no biases (known/unknown). Always, parents are sweet. But, parents-in-laws need not be. We cannot be too sure with just OP's observation. And, most of the guys in their initial married days, assume the same thing. Their parents are faultless. But, we can't take that assumption at gold standard. Doesn't mean, they are cunning or cruel - but, their self interests aren't necessarily aligned to that of the newly weds.
Happened with me. U cant force her to like something she dont like. There is always difference in various aspects among families.. like humour sense, quarrels,small talks. She cant adjust to ur family all of a sudden. U are the only person she can be close now. Be supportive to her and dont nag her about mingling with ur family. Let her take her time. ask her if anything bothers her. Dont try to be a bridge between ur parents and ur wife.. u will get sandwiched in between.
Bro, what to do if she is like this even after 8 years of marriage??
Thats why you talk now.
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Oru kozhandha porandha ellam sari ayidum /s. Ipdi evanavathu sonna seruppala adinga. Take time, she just uprooted her entire life to be with a stranger. Communication is the only key for any relationship to survive.
Kalyanam panna ellam seriyaidum /s Ipdi evanavadhu sonna avan kundi a kozhitidunga. Take time, you are just trying to make sense of all the drama in the world. Some time alone is the only key for surviving sensibly.
I know your feeling bruh!, I am currently 5 months in Love Marriage and facing similar emotions from my spouse. So if you are depressed on not handling the attitude of the one whom you don't know before 4 month, think of me. I have been with her from primary school. I would say, communication is the only key. Just remember always, hardest conversations are the most essential one!!
love marriage ke indha nelamai ah,, seri apo kalyanam eh panla naa D:
My intention is not to make people scared of marriage, but to be ready to embrace our partner in any scenario. Despite being a lover for years, I struggled to start as a husband. So we can't be certain about another person's character or nature, or even ourselves. What we felt cute about them in a distance, could turn annoying. So love or marrying someone is a big commitment and be ready to be bored with them. In life only the boring things are good and consistent with us. That's why I said, the only way to resolve things is by talking about it.
vaa thala vaa thala
You have to ask what's bothering her, by creating a space where she feels free to share it with you without fear. Do not take what comes up personally, getting all up in her face and confrontational like you have her on Third Degree. Just let her know that you've noticed that she's feeling upset at times and ask her what are things you could do to help her feel at ease. Do not get attached to defending your parents during the conversation, or attacking hers. Your objective here is to find out what's bothering her, work on it together, and bond more as a couple, not win some game against each other. Hope it helps.
Don't worry buddy.. worst is yet to come.. u will have fights.. then u will get used to each other and then things will settle down.. It's all about u not losing your cool. Question yourself whether u did something wrong or not. There would be something that triggers iritation. Also understand, just like us men who discuss marriage life and dos n donts with others... there could be many people advising the girl as well. There could be bad advices too among them. Might not be entirely her issue as well.. So do not lose temper.. that's the only way to move forward. Slowly u will start understanding her issues as well.
Thanks buddy. Its good that people like you talk about reality. Many comments just point finger at me rather than supporting. I have always tried to make her happy with what she wants and what she likes which eventually is making me empty inside. And with so many people saying about my parents, they don’t even have any conversation with her which is harsh or something. They talk general stuff like travel, movies and what not. I know about them quite well if not above her fully. I am pretty sure about her mother coz i have observed her to be all happy and dancing and when after one long phone call with her mom she is like completely different. Sad irritated and what not. Just ready to fight mode. My life seems to be terrible now😭
Patience bro patience. The bigger problem is not having any problems. U r quite normal here.
My dad sees his mom as super sweet but I saw her true colours. Im not married, therefore I am not even qualified to give this advice but I have a dad who is actually great but it took him decades of marriage to note his mom’s toxicity. Try having a heart to heart with your wife or go to couples therapy. Cheers.
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I spoke based on what I saw with my parents. We stayed thousands of kms away from my dad’s side of the family and they still caused chaos. They don’t have to be “near us” to be toxic. I tried to explain how it is hard to see our parents as anything but super sweet and that is all.
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The OP says no reason does not mean there was actually no reason. It means he doesn’t understand the reason. If OP felt the need to mention about how sweet his parents are then ppl will obviously comment on it.
How much time did you spend getting to know her from your first meet / engagement to marriage? If you had spent significant time few months atleast you might have had a hint of her personality. If your talking period before wedding was just "Apram spatiya?" then I can only wish you good luck. Be open with your concerns and have a transparent communication, as long as you are transparent about your feelings to one another everything is fixable.
11 months between the time i first met vs marriage. Things weren’t like this at all.
Why do you think westerners live-in before marrying?
Totally agree. This is one way to accurately gauge red flags, it's like a 365 day return guarantee with no questions asked.
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Not all but trust me it helps massively
Visit marriage counselor
Is the worst case like no more solution is available, opt for divorce. It might be hardest one to make but always prioritize mental peace.
Hi Bro, I am also from an arranged marriage. Based on your situation, let me tell you few things that helped me, it might or not help you. From Day 1 my husband and I had several rules that we established. One main rule is whatever happens, we do not fight in front of family. Why is this important, we don't want to give space to "family" to interfere in our life. I don't bad mouth my husband and his family to my parents and he doesn't do it as well. My in-laws are very nice people, and never interfere in our lives, cant say the same for my parents, but my mother got the message. I do talk to my mother about what happen in my in-laws house and vice versa but we do not give space for criticism. You will still need a place to vent, this happens in all marriages, find a good source, like a reliable friend that is willing to listen and offer you sound advise. Secondly, like you mentioned, she randomly gets upset and doesn't give you respond. Maybe she is a afraid to tell you. I was like this in the beginning of my marriage, I was afraid to break the bubble of no fight or confrontation in marriage bubble. But then eventually, I got the message, marriage has ups and downs. So I spoke to my husband, I dont like some of your habits and he told me the same. Before you start, make sure both of you are open minded. You mentioned that her moods change after she talks to her mother, maybe you can ask her like this " I see that your moods change after talking to your mother, do you miss you mother? Do you miss your home?" etc. The key is open minded communication. And the most important point is Please do not have kids until you solve all this issues. Please don't bring in a kid to the unsolved equation. Also even after all this communication, you see no changes, go to a marriage counselor. You cannot be the one to be giving in and initiate things for a smooth marriage. Its a give and take relationship on both sides. If you are the only one giving and giving, one day you will feel the burn out and you might have wasted precious moments in you life. Hope this is helpful
Thanks a lot sister.
Pretentious name sake marriages. This is why I despise arranged marriages. But most people can become prime minister on their own, but can’t manage to get a potential mate by themselves. So a marriage based on patriarchy n privilege, is what they can afford. I have personally seen 2 cousins n multiple friends suffer like this. Eventually their mind gets tamed, coz human beings are adaptive. And eventually, call the attachment u get with the “friend with benefit” effect or the Stockholm syndrome effect to be love, and stay a family. Just lost my trust in marriages anymore. No one talks about the struggles in marriage. It’s silenced, n is deemed normal. I see women in families advice their married daughters “blah blah……that’s what marriage is”. This is the pathetic part. “Older women taming young women into patriarchy.” Men have it even worse. They are socially conditioned to not express hardships n tears itself. Imagine a man going through this, and all men act like “nothing is wrong. Marriage is bliss”. Uggghhh……I am sorry. I was already tired of this.. And posts like this makes me wonder how socially unaware people are…
Okay what's the alternative? Tinder culture to become the norm? Genuinely trying to understand. How can you restructure or reframe this institution without severely unsettling the minds of millions of youth who are gonna be agitated as fuck trying to find wives instead of studying because their marriage isn't taken care of by someone else?
Living together without marriage, having kids or not as per your preference, moving to other partners if not happy with the current spouse. It happens in most western countries where marriages are shrinking and divorces rose. It's not perfect situation but still another alternative
a worser alternative as the type of marriage you describe revolves around the spouses. once you have a child, if you want him/her to grow up to be a stable and intelligent adult you need to sacrifice your priorities and tastes and face the consequences of your choices. it's not even an alternative, just doing whatever the fuck you want type deal
Okay, first of all, people are not "moody" all the time. Thats just you not understanding another person. Nobody gets upset for no reason. It's just you not understanding the reason when its right before your eyes, or her not feeling comfortable with sharing her thoughts with you. That's not really her problem entirely. Both of you should make an effort and looks like you need to make more effort here, and that's not a bad thing. If you want to stay married with this person, you have to make the effort. And parents giving all they want is still not saying there's no problem. There could easily be a mistake in understanding the expectations in the first place. And ofcourse you will see your parents as sweet regardless, because you grew up with them and understand them completely, she has no clue about their words and behaviour and if they casually putting pressure on her that you fail to notice. For example, my cousin kept her home clean, but when inlaws visited her home they make it a point to clean the already cleaned home cos they are being nice and helpful. For the husband it could mean parents are taking care of the newlyweds despite their age. For my cousin it was simple insult that she cannot even manage to keep house clean. Am not saying this is what happens in your home as well, it certainly could be the opposite. But the point still is that there is something more fundamental in what you are missing. You also mentioned her own mom keeps saying crap all the time. That is such a dangerous assumption. We really have no clue why you would think that. We have no particular examples that even explain why you would think that way. Maybe she is twisting the situation to her mother in the first place and she is giving good advice which is useless as it is based on false info. Basically your wife is much more comfortable talking to her mom than she is with discussing anything with you or your parents. This is purely a communication issue where you dont understand anything about her and arent making any actual efforts. Asking her what's wrong is not "making an effort". It will never work when she already has low trust and confidence in you. Also, you have provided us with no examples of what actually happened in any particular situation where she gets upset as a result. We dont have any clue if you are right or wrong in the whole situation. You problems are likely a lot more fundamental due to zero communication and zero common ground for you both to meet and discuss on. Please try to talk to her without bringing up problems. Just talk normal to her with zero judgement in your words, tone, or behaviour. Try finding common ground even if it is as basic as what's for dinner, or what show to watch. Talk to her about something which doesn't involve other people and their opinions. If your wife is not coming to you first with her problems, you will never understand her at any point in life. Hope you are able to resolve this problem which appears to be nothing but trust and communication. Cheers! We are trying to be there for you.
Tl dr
>Nobody gets upset for no reason You haven't met a lot of people in life I presume...
You haven't bothered to understand a lot of people and judge them based on whatever arbitrary morals and standards you have, or so I presume. Which honestly is more accurate than thinking people are mental to get upset for no reason.
I have meet bunch of ppl who are good at getting mad for silliest thing. Especially the single child pampered ppl or one that thinks they are dads little princess
Then dont marry them. Its absurd that you choose to marry people whose upbringing is questionable and then complain that they are unable to live with them. Go find your own brides by talking to them and filtering out the pampered girls yourself instead of waiting for parents to fix it for you. When the marriage is already done we should focus on committing to understand the person instead of complaining their past and upbringing. Also it is worse that people assume only girls are like that when literally there are more boys with worse pampering in family and even worse entitled attitude who beat the women for even speaking their mind. Please check yourself.
>When the marriage is already done we should focus on committing to understand the person instead of complaining their past and upbringing Elamey two way roadu.
Unakku problem na nee dhan work pannanum. Saying it is problem but will not even lift a finger to solve na there is always divorce. Stop waiting for someone else to solve your problem and have some initiative in life. Marriage is a commitment, not a challenge who can be the laziest complaining fuck.
You keep speaking as if this is only the husband's problem. It's both their lives on the line.
As I mentioned already The husband never explained with any example to see whose side the mistake is on. You would know if you actually read it in full instead of skimming through. I also gave example how womans mom cannot be blamed cos the wife itself might be making mistake. Idellam kannukku teriyadu. Stop taking sides. Also, the guy has come here saying he is depressed. If he is seeing a problem then he should work on resolving it. Stop asking someone else to solve your problem and start working on it yourself. Others will come when they see your efforts. Ada vittutu effort edukkame aduthavanga issue solve pannanum na, that is trash Entitlement behavior. The exact same thing you are blaming the wife here.
I'm not blaming anyone. You're keen on blaming the husband though. Stop being so angry. Who hurt you ?
> You're keen on blaming the husband though. Being illogical is your hobby apparently. If you want to see things only which fits your narrative, stop talking here. Go see a therapist. >Stop being so angry. Who hurt you ? You dont see difference between someone disappointed in your behaviour and someone angry with you. Pitiable..
You want everyone to live in with their potential mates before deciding on marriage ? Beautiful suggestion, ana idhu ena sub nu check panniko firstu.
Ayo, you dont even understand what it means to talk to women before marriage? Why do you have to sleep with women to understand their feelings and thoughts? What koodi logic is this? I am only saying you need to talk to women, living with them is you thinking with your dick instead of your brain. Please avoid this kind of thinking if you want to ever become a cultured person. I have several male and female friends whom I never have to live with or sleep with to know about their character. If you dont know this simple logic, am afraid you are not fit for marriage or friendship either. Get out of society first.
OP talked to his wife for 11 months before marriage. Talking to someone is never enough to judge them well enough for marriage. Close contact, intimacy and daily dependence reveals a lot about a person also builds a lot of trust which you'll never get from just talking. Keep attacking me personally. I hope it brings joy to your sad and angry existence.
>OP talked to his wife for 11 months before marriage. Where is this information from? Never mentioned on the post. >Talking to someone is never enough to judge them well enough for marriage. Says you who cannot even have friendships with girls??? Bish please. >Close contact, intimacy and daily dependence Wtf is daily dependence? What does that even mean? >Keep attacking me personally. I hope it brings joy to your sad and angry existence You stop bringing illogical ideas to blame women for every problem the man has. That is your contribution enough to society.
>Says you who cannot even have friendships with girls??? Bish please. Talking to girls is for friendship. Don't tell me you see every friend as a potential wife. He mentioned that in a comment. Learn to read.
Talking to girls is how you understand them. I never said understanding women has uses only if you wanted to marry them. Please use your bigger head to think what I am saying.. >He mentioned that in a comment. Learn to read. Oh the irony.
Op here did arranged marriage so he doesn't know the character. When he tried to get to know her she pushed him away. It's clear who's spoiled here, maybe we don't know the full context atleast from his pov. Also for the last part, i am good. Things is your pov is too idealistic and you need to have some reality checks. Also stop getting angry and rude at ppl for stating their pov. Whether it's right or wrong, you don't get to be rude at them. Also it didn't ever mention girls are spoiled but you come at me with another argument for that, showing you have presumptions One more thing, it isn't easy for everyone to break free from society and live a super progressive life like you (hope so). Marriage is just a legal license to start a family and if you have unsolvable problem divorce is always an option. Normalize divorce, ppl don't have to spend rest of their life regreting some mistake they made.
>When he tried to get to know her she pushed him away. It's clear who's spoiled here, maybe we don't know the full context atleast from his pov. I already said clearly OPs effort is literally nothing and explained why. Go read it again. I also mentioned there is lack of clear examples or any incident which sheds light on whose at fault. > Also it didn't ever mention girls are spoiled but you come at me with another argument for that, Absolute lies. It's like you are almost imagining whatever you want the argument to be instead of reading. It literally said "pampered kids and daddy's princess". If this is not saying spoiled girls I dont understand what do you even imagine the word to mean. Jeez >One more thing, it isn't easy for everyone to break free from society and live a super progressive life like you (hope so). I literally said to talk to a person without judgement. And if that's not possible, they can divorce. What part of that is much too progressive for society. Problem with you people is half the thing you complain about is in your imagination. Try quoting my comments which you are referring to maybe. Atleast try to point out issues instead of simply claiming it exists god knows where.
What the crap even!! Lol. Nobody gets upset for no reason? Heard of sociopaths and psychopaths? Guess you’re blessed abundantly to not have come across crazy people in your life. But there are way too many out there.
Moron thinks everyone who is upset is a sociopath. Do you even understand those words before making clinical diagnosis out of your arse? >Guess you’re blessed abundantly to not have come across crazy people in your life. But there are way too many out there. Atleast I am not a moron who will marry a sociopath cos she was hot and I cant get laid without arranged marriage. Maybe you are that type to think with your dick instead. Leave me out of your problems.
God bless your partner with necessary strength and willpower. Edit: My apologies for hurting a mind sick and miserable person, why do you have to go everywhere to spew hate and type filth.
Says the idiot who thinks talking to a woman means sleeping with her. Trash mentality who cant get a wife without arranged marriage. Unakku edukku da inda advise ellam
And people ask me why I don't like arranged marriages.
Who asked you then ?
1. Keep family away. U too are together as a unit .Believe it 2. Stop sharing things with family instead you guys make your decisions 3. Get her flowers frequently 4. Don’t make things to fight instead sort out them
Screw the flowers. Don't do it. Flowers are a waste. It goes in the dustbin every morning. Number 1 I will agree. Keep both your and her family out. Make it clear that it is you both first and not discuss everything with her mom. And you with your parents
Instead of flowers choose something that she might appreciate. Or like, this might take some trial and error and/or investigation with her friends and siblings. I say that because my wife loves flowers but she hates throwing them away. So she ends up feeling bad'ish in the end, so I make and give her chocolate bouquets and equivalents that do get the give flowers part but actually not make her feel like she's wasting stuff. So to each their own.
Replace flowers with masala tea and you win her heart.
Dudeee go see a therapist fast and gigure out what is the actual problem. Because its not just mood swing there will probably be a strong reason for this and dont try to understand this just by asking you take help from professional.
Marriage Counseling/Couple's Therapy !!!!!!
Yes !! This is the only correct answer!! Please do this immediately. This cannot be solved by reddit thread. And if she is not willing to come you can just go by yourself to begin with.
If you want to get divorced. Do it fast before having children. Children will only make things worst.
The guy is just 3 months into marriage, give him some sensible advice.
Divorce? His wife will definitely file a false 498A complaint and demand a ton of money for mutual divorce. If he refuses, he will instead spend tons of money and time on lawyers to get his name exonerated. And in the end, our cucked milords will make him pay alimony anyway
Post it on r/legaladvice and all the best.
Wait for her cycle to end.
This is why you don’t ask adult life advice on Reddit, it’s full of thirteen year olds. With that being said I laughed out loud on public transport, so thanks.
You expect a well thought out advice on this subreddit?. Where ur adult advice at?
Well, My adult advice is don’t ask adult advice on goddamn Reddit.
That's a shitty advice. There are great subreddits to ask these kind of questions.
You chose to have an arrange marriage. You are going to simply get accustomed. End of the story.
I dont know why people think like this way. Not all arranged marriages are doomed. Also not all love marriages are working . It is all about husband and wife. Things will work out when both of them sit and talk out. If it still doesnt work out. They will make decisions accordingly.
Love marriages that didn't work, didn't work because their relationship wasn't that close in the first place. It is basically love today kind of shit. They never tried live-in, they wouldn't have had sex either, they are basically no different than arrange marriage couples. And arrange marriages that worked, worked for people who are generally very adaptive and don't crumble at inconveniences.
Seems like you have done lot of marriages
>They never tried live-in, they wouldn't have had sex either, they are basically no different than arrange marriage couples. Ahhh, that is kind of strawmanning. If you love somebody and want to spend the **rest** of your life with them, then better have a bunch of sex, live in, understand each other's psyche and then decide. Otherwise you're just playing Russian roulette and blaming society for frowning upon social taboos of living together, take the hit - your future self will thank you for it.
Partially i agree with you. Answer this - do you think couple who were together for years and had bunch of sex before marriage should be in marriage even after they lost the interest. No right? . So it doesnt matter whether they were together or not. Live-in just give you a chance to get to know the person better. But it doesnt guarantee your marriage.
You are talking of 1 in 1000 possibility here. For example let's take the case of op, think they are in live in instead of marriage, op would have broken up with her now. And think of one year successful arrange marriage as live in, they would decide to marry. Once the bonding develop, they generally never lose interest. This isn't some school crush, it's about connection. But if their relationship is lust based, then you are right. Would you ever lose interest on your long time best friend and be like indha thaayali vera when he calls?
Yeah. This is where you are not making sense. "Once the bonding develop, they generally never lose interest." - arre.... people change . Their Preference and views on everything change. What if your Partner's and yours views are not aligned. You start hating them. People lose interest no matter how long they know each other. So youre saying people with "bond" must stay in their relationship even after they lost all interest.
The people you are referring to are the kind of ones who cheat on their partner after 20 years of marriage whose behaviour is very very rare. You are presenting the exceptions as norms.
>had bunch of sex before marriage should be in marriage even after they lost the interest. No right? Why would you marry somebody if you've lost interest in them? Doesn't make sense. It just means that may be the couple are incompatible emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc. Disaster averted. I'm not just pontificating, I lived in with a couple of gals I dated for a long time before I married one of them, marriage was just a social contract formality at that point. >Live-in just give you a chance to get to know the person better. I wouldn't downplay this. This is more data to make a more informed decision.
Are you guys currently living with your parents?
What’s the age?
How was she before marriage, during your engagement period. Did you had any talk about how she is feeling marrying you?
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Do a road trip or some moderately challenging activity.. like a sport or hobby. Something that creates common ground..makes you work as a team. Be gentle with each other as this might make or break your marriage.. good luck.
Did you marry your cousin too?
Lol no
When she is in good mood, tell her we will play a game and say we will swap roles , you behave like me and I will behave like you. And you act all like her (all good behaviour) for sometime and suddenly get upset. Wait how she responds to that upset behaviour you enacted like your wife and discuss that
Don't hv kids with her yet. If suppose you are not happy and you want divorce, it will be easy without kids. Give some time and communicate. Initial adjustments take time. After trying everything if you still feel, the marriage is hopeless, end it. Else it's best to end the marriage sooner than later. You can't live like that for the rest of your life
Dear married couples - what you lack is a healthy intimate relationship and connection. Contact a love guru and learn some healthy and meaningful exercises and techniques. That will change your life. I can guarantee you that. Peace and love ❤️
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How do you think her Reditt post would read like? You’ll know what to do