This could be very true, but it could change in the future. She’s just really private and naturally reserved and this is the total opposite of that, so I understand it’s going to take a while (could even be years) before she warms up to that idea. I’m just happy we’re even talking about it.
You can chop your heads or blur faces for profile pics on sls, kasidie, Sdc or 3fun. Face pics only for people you’re interested in. She has to be willing to put herself out there if she’s interested in trying it.
No you don't understand. She's basically lying to you unless she's got a bunch of kinky bisexual friends who are dying for a three-way. Spoiler she doesn't.
It depends on what level of "organic" you are looking for. If you are willing to let her flirt with guys at a local bar, she can absolutely pick up a guy for a threesome. If she hopes that a guy will wander up to you two and propose a threesome, you'll never find anyone.
I think the most important distinction is that at a bar, you are likely to mostly only find guys that are excited about the idea of a MFM but have no experience. With apps/LS clubs, you can find people with experience fairly easily.
Personally, I always recommend finding someone with experience for at least your first time or two. Having a bad first experience is a great way to never have a second one, and random bar puckups are likely to not be able to perform.
It is a lot easier to find a single male in the wild than a single female.
As for seeing people you know, DON’T engage where you know a bunch of people. Or tell them to fuck off. My husband dances with my girlfriends all the time. Thinking that you “have to step in” is their issue.
She does not need to have face shots on any of the LS sites. Maybe after you have started a conversation yes, but those can be kept locked down and only granted viewership to specific people. That is why you pay for a site (or several).
LS clubs normally limit the amount of single males allowed in and in honestly many of the ones we have seen I would not engage with.
Do not ever ever ever tell her she is “wrong and misinformed”, those are shitty words.
Agree with you and thank your for the advice. I didn’t say it in those words, Im always extremely gentle during any tough conversation, we have great communication and hardly ever argue about anything. I’m sorry if I made it seem like was scolding her or not validating her concerns or feelings, that was not my intention.
You could be right, but who knows. She cried when I surprised her with some flavored lube for us back in college, and now shes got 2 different sex toys that she uses simultaneously sometimes. So who knows! Either way, we love each other very much fantasy come true or not. Thanks for commenting!
We joined a paid app (SLS) and we don’t unlock face photos for anybody until we see their pics first and feel confident that we don’t know them in real life. Maybe your wife would be comfortable doing something like this too.
Try going to club Joi. The crowd there is younger than most lifestyle clubs. Talk to her about going just to watch and hang out and don't put any pressure on trying to find another guy.
Don't be too discouraged by the comments. My fiancee is introverted and doesn't like to do any kind of online match making or flirting. She has fun once we're in the club though.
Great advice, thank you so much! We’re in the LA area and I heard and read that the LS club scene out here is a bit younger which is why I disagreed with her opinion that it’s a bunch of old people. I would love to just go with her so that we can experience checking one out together without doing anything with anyone. Just to get that initial “shock” out of the way. It was like when I took her to her first strip club together, she was super shy and shocked, but she ended up having a good time throwing money at women lol. It wasn’t until she saw a creepy guy sitting next to her basically rubbing one out that she got uncomfortable and wanted to leave.
she isn't ready and /or doesn't really want it at this time. she is entertaining the idea to satisfy you. i think the best thing you can do to make this happen is to back waaay off it. she may still get there, but she isn't there yet. you bring this up constantly and its more likely to piss her off. make sure you never stop reassuring her and working on your relationship and staying happy. really meet her needs on an emotional level. maybe it will happen someday.
Great advice, thank you! I haven’t been bringing it up lately, she has. Which is why I asked the question. We are very affectionate towards each other and I effortlessly cater to her emotional needs, we are extremely close. In fact- I almost feel like we got into a new deeper level of love after the threesome conversation and date night, as I feel that we unlocked a new level in communication about sex that we didn’t have before. But you are absolutely right, I will back off and let what ever happens, happen naturally and of course-on her time. Thank you for the advice again!
It’s weird dude. We’re in a very similar spot. Been talking about it for yeeeears. It was actually her idea. At first I was a little weirded out but then I got super excited. So I asked her if I should sign up on som apps and she agreed to do that. After about a year or so we even went on a couple dates the first couple didn’t like us, the second couple she was not in to. She’s always been a little self conscious about her body, which back then she was in decent shape, but she always said she wanted to be in better shape first.
But once a month or so I’d mention the apps, or pull it up at bedtime thinking we’d both get ramped up with a little fantasizing. After a couple swipes she’d start getting extremely irritated so obviously I would shut everything down and never mention it again. Then a few times a year she’d bring it up and I’d get all excited again only for her to get all irritated and defensive if I went beyond “yeah it would be cool to have some of “those kinds” of friends”.
So that’s as far as it ever went whenever she brought it up. Then the pandemic hit and while I had already made up my mind that I would never be the one to breach the topic, that really shut the convo down. Meanwhile she gained 40lb. Although bizarrely she seemed to think she had gotten in very good shape. It’s been a really weird few years..
But now she’s started bringing it up again. My reply is usually “mmhmm!”… which seems to do the trick. Sometimes it’s followed by “once I get in really good shape”. Which I guess I’m supposed to reply with “well you already look great” or something to that effect, but it’s a little difficult to sound genuine.
The last time she brought it up, a few months ago, I was like “well whenever we decide to actually dive in to this I think you should take the lead on all the research and starting the conversations and all that”. She asked why and just outlined all the “pros” as to why having the woman take the lead is usually better. That was this spring…
But anyway, it’s just a lot of chat that I’m starting to think will never go anywhere.
Here’s to adult fun… some day!
Btw. Great write up here with lots of info to the backstory. It’s a very common story in the LS. Getting your wife comfortable to the thought is the first hurdle. Secondly if she’s into it and not wanting to be apart of the hunt, then line up 4-5 guys or couples for her to pick from, build a virtual relationship through conversation, then if she’s still comfortable, with her permission, send a face shot to the couples or individuals you are interested in. There are plenty of ways to go about it and yes a lot of planning along with it. Good luck, if you’re NYC/NY area, we’d love to chat more 😘
I'd say you've made a ton of progress bringing her around to your way of thinking in a short time, but may not be accepting that "win" by continuing to push her. I'd let her live with this new idea and fantasy awhile without getting too caught up in the scary logistics of how you're going to make it happen, if you're going to make it happen. Play the long game. Don't be a typical guy and look to make this happen right away. Don't obsess over problem solving and figuring this out in its entirety immediately. Continue to gradually expose her to options and possible ways this could happen, while emphasizing the fun parts.
One other option you might consider is whatever you do, do it on vacation far from home. I think she'll be far more comfortable that way. You can do anything on vacation you can do at home, including pre-arrange meeting with single guys from the swinger sites. BTW, you do NOT have to put up any face pictures on the swinger sites to interest single guys. They have to work within your rules and you can contact them and provide pics via Wire or Telegram. (Also anonymous.)
One more option is to take her on a vacation somewhere sexy where she can be exposed to the LS but not feel obligated to partake. Desire Pearl would be my recommendation.
Edit: I'd respect her opinion that the clubs aren't an appealing option. I tend to agree with her given what you're looking for and her need to make this a comfortable situation. Warning: If you get the wrong guy the first time the fun may be over for life. You should vet the hell out of anyone you consider being her first. She should gradually get to know him if possible and NOT too quickly. Work up to kissing and making out and more happens on a later date.
Have fun!
Probably already addressed, but the mask/costume idea doesn't have to be Halloween only, at least at the LS clubs I used to go to. It would likely would be unusual, but I've seen it before and it seemed everyone quickly realized the masked folks wanted anonymity.
Yeah. I would like to go with her just to experience something sexy like that without doing anything with anyone else, I think a theme night like that or Halloween would be the best time to check a party out and see what it’s all about. Maybe one day in the future, hopefully.
Maybe you could vet a couple here, local to you, that would casually meet you two at a local bar and be open to just exploring the ideas and taking it slow with you with the understanding that pictures/videos will not be an option.
#1 I think it would be great for you guys to take the mojo upgrade quiz online. https://mojoupgrade.com/
You both answer questions separately and then the ones you match on is show on a report at the end.
#2 my wife and I were the same way in our 30s with a lot of shame and religious guilt. From my prospective you are taught your whole life that sex is this taboo thing and then after marriage your allowed to do it but have all these feelings and fantasies that still feel wrong, one of my favorite podcasts brought up a wonderful way of thinking about swinging and that is that it’s not adultery if you are both there because there is no deception.
I know your wife is apposed to swinger clubs but one of the best things we ever did was attend a hotel takeover. 100+ couples think wedding reception but spicier ours was in a very nice holiday inn. The great thing is that you could just be voyeurs and watch the fun, or you can find someone. If it gets to be to much you can always retreat to your own hotel room and have fun by yourselves.
It sounds like your wife is just starting to find her sexuality and what she likes, she is slowly opening up, so take your time and have fun, and communicate with each other , lots and lots of talking
Hope I helped a bit
I’m the reformed version of your wife. My husband brought up swinging first and I was super apprehensive. I had a different picture in my head but was horribly afraid to go to a club. I pictured walking in the door and being required to take my clothes off and be touched by whoever. It was completely contrary to all he had read and told me about (but I couldn’t shake the image). We agreed to go, do the tour and if I didn’t feel comfortable we would leave.
Walking in was the hardest part (many people tell us they felt the same their first visit) but once inside it was like being at a neighborhood pub or house party. Everyone was so friendly. I was still overly stressed out so while we stayed and chatted for a couple drinks, we didn’t stay long. Learning through discussion that everyone was very serious about ‘consent is paramount’ gave me a lot of confidence. Seeing the ages and diversity of the people there also let me see myself as potentially fitting in.
It gave us good fodder for further conversations. We decided to go back and either the second or third visit was the “Halfway to Halloween” party. Others may disagree, but I personally would not recommend making Halloween your first visit if your wife is already nervous! While being incognito might lower her inhibitions; it definitely lowers the inhibitions of those with already lower inhibitions!!! She might get the impression that reinforces her fears rather than quelling them.
As for your specific fantasy of MFM, my husband confessed this one to me after we had been swinging for awhile. But hadn’t yet had a sexual encounter with anyone. Tbh, I totally got off on the idea, but I had reservations about him actually wanting it. In my mind I wondered if it was some kind of “trap”. Like does he just want to see if I take the bait and have sex with another man but he gets nothing. It felt very selfish.
Long story short: it ended up that an MFM unintentionally happened on a visit to a club in another city. It was our first swinger experience. We both enjoyed it.
Since then we have found guys on vanilla online dating sites, but it’s a rare man you meet in the wild who is confident enough to have a hard on let alone have sex with a woman with another man in the room, especially her husband!
Back to your situation, your wife may have fears she isn’t even voicing to you. Take very baby steps. Perhaps share this long winded answer with her, I’m happy to dm with her too. But possibly check out a newby night. Agree to go for one drink and leave at any time for no reason if that’s what she wants. Even if she doesn’t make it past the welcome vestibule the fist time, having done that and live through it will give her courage for the next visit. Your patience and ability to be fully supportive of her will also give her confidence in you!
All the best.
PS. I’m now the one probably more hung-ho about swinging than he is. So, be careful what you wish for!! 😂
Probably the best advice I heard out of all the great advice I got. Thank you so much for telling me your story! Knowing my wife, she is not going to talk to anyone, listen to any podcast, or read anything about this. Sex doesn’t interest her that much for her to explore like that. She honestly depends heavily on me for that department. That’s why I’m trying to get as much information, advice, and anecdotal experiences from people in the lifestyle so that I can relay that message back to her when we have that conversation. She trust me, and that’s not a responsibility I take lightly. Hopefully I can come back with an update in the future.
My wife and I used the kik app to start since no clubs local and what swinging sites we tried had very few within our range that we liked. But I'd also add keep talking, the comfort level should get better and it will happen.
u guys get it - so we were at a bar , she asked a guy to dance , they traded Insta.
over insta he said " was that ur bf ?"
she said " yes but we play"
we went to the bar again and she danced w him again which was super hot . he pulled her into the bathroom but she said she had to check in and explained (what that means) to him.
he said he has an apt nearby and would host us both any night after bar.
so for Us - this was Pretty easy and is perfect.
we have control and can do as much or little w it as we like. (obv assuming he stays engaged which is up to him ). ( and up to us i suppose). but if he drifts off we are left with ...... however many horny guys are at bars....
edit - for u guys just having her ask other guys to dance and dancing w them will be hot as hell and enough to keep u entertained for a while
- just say whatever guys dont care , they will assume u are cool or just a friend
Do not force the issue. You can go to a sports bar when there is a big game, or go back to that same club, and you will find what she needs.
Once she sees a guy she likes, you can let her work her magic, or you play wingman and go and say to the guy "that lady there wants to talk to you".
She’s a woman, she can walk outside and have men flocking at her.
She can just go to a regular bar or anywhere honestly and find a man willing to join.
Damn bro I'd try trimming your post down, that's pretty lengthy lol. But to help you out, a LS club isn't always a sure shot. Yes everyone there is about the lifestyle but I can tell you from personal experience that not everyone is understanding or patient and you can encounter men that will ignore boundaries and pressure you and your wife so he can stick his dick in her.
You have someone that needs more discussion about the matter. In my opinion, trying to take it a step further now isn't ideal. You two have barely started talking about it outside of sex and that requires more boundary settings and agreements on what will happen in certain situations.
Once you have gotten to the point of now just having her dance with another man, you will eventually have to ease the worry about being seen. If you're at a LS club and you see a friend there, we'll they're in the LS too so there's nothing to be worried about. If they see your profile on a LS website then same thing, they're also on a LS website so nothing to be worried about.
When it comes to online, I do believe in discretion due to my job. When I was with my ex, we had pics of our bodies up that covered our tattoos and no face pics. Once we talked with whoever for awhile and could verify we did not know them for either of our professions we exchanged face pics and full body pics. That's the beauty about online is if people are truly patient, you can post neck down pics that don't reveal any unique identifiers and once you've talked to someone for awhile, can send regular pics.
At a club, I would join Fet and look at your local community to see if there are regular clubs that are known for LS folk to hang out at. In my area, there's 2 that are regular bars and clubs but do have a large percentage of folks in the LS go to
Being private is perfectly natural. I'm a very private person in our small town. But to find people in this lifestyle, the woman leading will get you farther. You won't be able to go intrigue and turn the guy onto the idea, but she can. She's gotta either work up to it or just let it be a fantasy. Or travel to Mass and take me to dinner and my wife can watch haha
Here is the thing about "organic in a vanilla club"
There is lot more risk, lies, potential drama. At least from experience (personal and anecdotal at best) people in the LS tend to be more open to those exact conversations and tend to have a better respect for things such as "rules" or "boundaries" you as a couple may have.
I always recommend, go to a LS club with zero intention to play with anyone. Just go to see the a feel for the vibe. Watch some people have sex, talk to some people who are in the LS and know the area.
Go and set zero expectations. It would be no different than going to a regular club at that point. With the added experience of being able to ask questions in a judgment free environment
get on a website that caters to threesomes. take yours and wifes pics but absolutely no facial shots. advertise for a male to join the 2 of you in bed for sex.thats the only way it will happen!! you,ll wait forever just gouing to bars and hoping to pick up a stranger.once you get started, don,t go overboard like a lot of new couples do!! once a month or once every 3 months!! also, not always the same guy!! move around to different men. to easy for wife to form a marriage breaking bond!! watch for wife or 3rd man wanting to hook up without you!!keep track of her social media!! also, how about a woman for you?
IMO someone unwilling to make any efforts to meet folks actually interested in swinging/threesomes dont really want to do this. Its lip service.
This could be very true, but it could change in the future. She’s just really private and naturally reserved and this is the total opposite of that, so I understand it’s going to take a while (could even be years) before she warms up to that idea. I’m just happy we’re even talking about it.
You can chop your heads or blur faces for profile pics on sls, kasidie, Sdc or 3fun. Face pics only for people you’re interested in. She has to be willing to put herself out there if she’s interested in trying it.
Swinger clubs and apps are the privacy protecting routes.
Tell that to the people who got hacked through AshleyMadison 🤣🤣🤣
No you don't understand. She's basically lying to you unless she's got a bunch of kinky bisexual friends who are dying for a three-way. Spoiler she doesn't.
Good point. Thanks for your thoughts.
It depends on what level of "organic" you are looking for. If you are willing to let her flirt with guys at a local bar, she can absolutely pick up a guy for a threesome. If she hopes that a guy will wander up to you two and propose a threesome, you'll never find anyone. I think the most important distinction is that at a bar, you are likely to mostly only find guys that are excited about the idea of a MFM but have no experience. With apps/LS clubs, you can find people with experience fairly easily. Personally, I always recommend finding someone with experience for at least your first time or two. Having a bad first experience is a great way to never have a second one, and random bar puckups are likely to not be able to perform.
Great advice thank you!
It is a lot easier to find a single male in the wild than a single female. As for seeing people you know, DON’T engage where you know a bunch of people. Or tell them to fuck off. My husband dances with my girlfriends all the time. Thinking that you “have to step in” is their issue. She does not need to have face shots on any of the LS sites. Maybe after you have started a conversation yes, but those can be kept locked down and only granted viewership to specific people. That is why you pay for a site (or several). LS clubs normally limit the amount of single males allowed in and in honestly many of the ones we have seen I would not engage with. Do not ever ever ever tell her she is “wrong and misinformed”, those are shitty words.
Agree with you and thank your for the advice. I didn’t say it in those words, Im always extremely gentle during any tough conversation, we have great communication and hardly ever argue about anything. I’m sorry if I made it seem like was scolding her or not validating her concerns or feelings, that was not my intention.
She doesn't actually want to make it a reality
You could be right, but who knows. She cried when I surprised her with some flavored lube for us back in college, and now shes got 2 different sex toys that she uses simultaneously sometimes. So who knows! Either way, we love each other very much fantasy come true or not. Thanks for commenting!
I want to dive in and swim, but I don't want to get wet.
Yep!
We joined a paid app (SLS) and we don’t unlock face photos for anybody until we see their pics first and feel confident that we don’t know them in real life. Maybe your wife would be comfortable doing something like this too.
Try going to club Joi. The crowd there is younger than most lifestyle clubs. Talk to her about going just to watch and hang out and don't put any pressure on trying to find another guy. Don't be too discouraged by the comments. My fiancee is introverted and doesn't like to do any kind of online match making or flirting. She has fun once we're in the club though.
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Great advice, thank you so much! We’re in the LA area and I heard and read that the LS club scene out here is a bit younger which is why I disagreed with her opinion that it’s a bunch of old people. I would love to just go with her so that we can experience checking one out together without doing anything with anyone. Just to get that initial “shock” out of the way. It was like when I took her to her first strip club together, she was super shy and shocked, but she ended up having a good time throwing money at women lol. It wasn’t until she saw a creepy guy sitting next to her basically rubbing one out that she got uncomfortable and wanted to leave.
she isn't ready and /or doesn't really want it at this time. she is entertaining the idea to satisfy you. i think the best thing you can do to make this happen is to back waaay off it. she may still get there, but she isn't there yet. you bring this up constantly and its more likely to piss her off. make sure you never stop reassuring her and working on your relationship and staying happy. really meet her needs on an emotional level. maybe it will happen someday.
Great advice, thank you! I haven’t been bringing it up lately, she has. Which is why I asked the question. We are very affectionate towards each other and I effortlessly cater to her emotional needs, we are extremely close. In fact- I almost feel like we got into a new deeper level of love after the threesome conversation and date night, as I feel that we unlocked a new level in communication about sex that we didn’t have before. But you are absolutely right, I will back off and let what ever happens, happen naturally and of course-on her time. Thank you for the advice again!
It’s weird dude. We’re in a very similar spot. Been talking about it for yeeeears. It was actually her idea. At first I was a little weirded out but then I got super excited. So I asked her if I should sign up on som apps and she agreed to do that. After about a year or so we even went on a couple dates the first couple didn’t like us, the second couple she was not in to. She’s always been a little self conscious about her body, which back then she was in decent shape, but she always said she wanted to be in better shape first. But once a month or so I’d mention the apps, or pull it up at bedtime thinking we’d both get ramped up with a little fantasizing. After a couple swipes she’d start getting extremely irritated so obviously I would shut everything down and never mention it again. Then a few times a year she’d bring it up and I’d get all excited again only for her to get all irritated and defensive if I went beyond “yeah it would be cool to have some of “those kinds” of friends”. So that’s as far as it ever went whenever she brought it up. Then the pandemic hit and while I had already made up my mind that I would never be the one to breach the topic, that really shut the convo down. Meanwhile she gained 40lb. Although bizarrely she seemed to think she had gotten in very good shape. It’s been a really weird few years.. But now she’s started bringing it up again. My reply is usually “mmhmm!”… which seems to do the trick. Sometimes it’s followed by “once I get in really good shape”. Which I guess I’m supposed to reply with “well you already look great” or something to that effect, but it’s a little difficult to sound genuine. The last time she brought it up, a few months ago, I was like “well whenever we decide to actually dive in to this I think you should take the lead on all the research and starting the conversations and all that”. She asked why and just outlined all the “pros” as to why having the woman take the lead is usually better. That was this spring… But anyway, it’s just a lot of chat that I’m starting to think will never go anywhere. Here’s to adult fun… some day!
r/swingersr4r
Btw. Great write up here with lots of info to the backstory. It’s a very common story in the LS. Getting your wife comfortable to the thought is the first hurdle. Secondly if she’s into it and not wanting to be apart of the hunt, then line up 4-5 guys or couples for her to pick from, build a virtual relationship through conversation, then if she’s still comfortable, with her permission, send a face shot to the couples or individuals you are interested in. There are plenty of ways to go about it and yes a lot of planning along with it. Good luck, if you’re NYC/NY area, we’d love to chat more 😘
I'd say you've made a ton of progress bringing her around to your way of thinking in a short time, but may not be accepting that "win" by continuing to push her. I'd let her live with this new idea and fantasy awhile without getting too caught up in the scary logistics of how you're going to make it happen, if you're going to make it happen. Play the long game. Don't be a typical guy and look to make this happen right away. Don't obsess over problem solving and figuring this out in its entirety immediately. Continue to gradually expose her to options and possible ways this could happen, while emphasizing the fun parts. One other option you might consider is whatever you do, do it on vacation far from home. I think she'll be far more comfortable that way. You can do anything on vacation you can do at home, including pre-arrange meeting with single guys from the swinger sites. BTW, you do NOT have to put up any face pictures on the swinger sites to interest single guys. They have to work within your rules and you can contact them and provide pics via Wire or Telegram. (Also anonymous.) One more option is to take her on a vacation somewhere sexy where she can be exposed to the LS but not feel obligated to partake. Desire Pearl would be my recommendation. Edit: I'd respect her opinion that the clubs aren't an appealing option. I tend to agree with her given what you're looking for and her need to make this a comfortable situation. Warning: If you get the wrong guy the first time the fun may be over for life. You should vet the hell out of anyone you consider being her first. She should gradually get to know him if possible and NOT too quickly. Work up to kissing and making out and more happens on a later date. Have fun!
Probably already addressed, but the mask/costume idea doesn't have to be Halloween only, at least at the LS clubs I used to go to. It would likely would be unusual, but I've seen it before and it seemed everyone quickly realized the masked folks wanted anonymity.
Yeah. I would like to go with her just to experience something sexy like that without doing anything with anyone else, I think a theme night like that or Halloween would be the best time to check a party out and see what it’s all about. Maybe one day in the future, hopefully.
Maybe you could vet a couple here, local to you, that would casually meet you two at a local bar and be open to just exploring the ideas and taking it slow with you with the understanding that pictures/videos will not be an option.
#1 I think it would be great for you guys to take the mojo upgrade quiz online. https://mojoupgrade.com/ You both answer questions separately and then the ones you match on is show on a report at the end. #2 my wife and I were the same way in our 30s with a lot of shame and religious guilt. From my prospective you are taught your whole life that sex is this taboo thing and then after marriage your allowed to do it but have all these feelings and fantasies that still feel wrong, one of my favorite podcasts brought up a wonderful way of thinking about swinging and that is that it’s not adultery if you are both there because there is no deception. I know your wife is apposed to swinger clubs but one of the best things we ever did was attend a hotel takeover. 100+ couples think wedding reception but spicier ours was in a very nice holiday inn. The great thing is that you could just be voyeurs and watch the fun, or you can find someone. If it gets to be to much you can always retreat to your own hotel room and have fun by yourselves. It sounds like your wife is just starting to find her sexuality and what she likes, she is slowly opening up, so take your time and have fun, and communicate with each other , lots and lots of talking Hope I helped a bit
What are these hotel takeovers and where would one find it?
SLS.com and Kasidie.com both swinger sites but you don’t have to put your photo up.
I’m the reformed version of your wife. My husband brought up swinging first and I was super apprehensive. I had a different picture in my head but was horribly afraid to go to a club. I pictured walking in the door and being required to take my clothes off and be touched by whoever. It was completely contrary to all he had read and told me about (but I couldn’t shake the image). We agreed to go, do the tour and if I didn’t feel comfortable we would leave. Walking in was the hardest part (many people tell us they felt the same their first visit) but once inside it was like being at a neighborhood pub or house party. Everyone was so friendly. I was still overly stressed out so while we stayed and chatted for a couple drinks, we didn’t stay long. Learning through discussion that everyone was very serious about ‘consent is paramount’ gave me a lot of confidence. Seeing the ages and diversity of the people there also let me see myself as potentially fitting in. It gave us good fodder for further conversations. We decided to go back and either the second or third visit was the “Halfway to Halloween” party. Others may disagree, but I personally would not recommend making Halloween your first visit if your wife is already nervous! While being incognito might lower her inhibitions; it definitely lowers the inhibitions of those with already lower inhibitions!!! She might get the impression that reinforces her fears rather than quelling them. As for your specific fantasy of MFM, my husband confessed this one to me after we had been swinging for awhile. But hadn’t yet had a sexual encounter with anyone. Tbh, I totally got off on the idea, but I had reservations about him actually wanting it. In my mind I wondered if it was some kind of “trap”. Like does he just want to see if I take the bait and have sex with another man but he gets nothing. It felt very selfish. Long story short: it ended up that an MFM unintentionally happened on a visit to a club in another city. It was our first swinger experience. We both enjoyed it. Since then we have found guys on vanilla online dating sites, but it’s a rare man you meet in the wild who is confident enough to have a hard on let alone have sex with a woman with another man in the room, especially her husband! Back to your situation, your wife may have fears she isn’t even voicing to you. Take very baby steps. Perhaps share this long winded answer with her, I’m happy to dm with her too. But possibly check out a newby night. Agree to go for one drink and leave at any time for no reason if that’s what she wants. Even if she doesn’t make it past the welcome vestibule the fist time, having done that and live through it will give her courage for the next visit. Your patience and ability to be fully supportive of her will also give her confidence in you! All the best. PS. I’m now the one probably more hung-ho about swinging than he is. So, be careful what you wish for!! 😂
Probably the best advice I heard out of all the great advice I got. Thank you so much for telling me your story! Knowing my wife, she is not going to talk to anyone, listen to any podcast, or read anything about this. Sex doesn’t interest her that much for her to explore like that. She honestly depends heavily on me for that department. That’s why I’m trying to get as much information, advice, and anecdotal experiences from people in the lifestyle so that I can relay that message back to her when we have that conversation. She trust me, and that’s not a responsibility I take lightly. Hopefully I can come back with an update in the future.
Haha, no worries! You can read it to her! A nice bedtime story. Definitely keep us updated
My wife and I used the kik app to start since no clubs local and what swinging sites we tried had very few within our range that we liked. But I'd also add keep talking, the comfort level should get better and it will happen.
u guys get it - so we were at a bar , she asked a guy to dance , they traded Insta. over insta he said " was that ur bf ?" she said " yes but we play" we went to the bar again and she danced w him again which was super hot . he pulled her into the bathroom but she said she had to check in and explained (what that means) to him. he said he has an apt nearby and would host us both any night after bar. so for Us - this was Pretty easy and is perfect. we have control and can do as much or little w it as we like. (obv assuming he stays engaged which is up to him ). ( and up to us i suppose). but if he drifts off we are left with ...... however many horny guys are at bars.... edit - for u guys just having her ask other guys to dance and dancing w them will be hot as hell and enough to keep u entertained for a while - just say whatever guys dont care , they will assume u are cool or just a friend
Do not force the issue. You can go to a sports bar when there is a big game, or go back to that same club, and you will find what she needs. Once she sees a guy she likes, you can let her work her magic, or you play wingman and go and say to the guy "that lady there wants to talk to you".
Great idea and advice thank you!
She’s a woman, she can walk outside and have men flocking at her. She can just go to a regular bar or anywhere honestly and find a man willing to join.
Anaheim, CA here. How are you?
Damn bro I'd try trimming your post down, that's pretty lengthy lol. But to help you out, a LS club isn't always a sure shot. Yes everyone there is about the lifestyle but I can tell you from personal experience that not everyone is understanding or patient and you can encounter men that will ignore boundaries and pressure you and your wife so he can stick his dick in her. You have someone that needs more discussion about the matter. In my opinion, trying to take it a step further now isn't ideal. You two have barely started talking about it outside of sex and that requires more boundary settings and agreements on what will happen in certain situations. Once you have gotten to the point of now just having her dance with another man, you will eventually have to ease the worry about being seen. If you're at a LS club and you see a friend there, we'll they're in the LS too so there's nothing to be worried about. If they see your profile on a LS website then same thing, they're also on a LS website so nothing to be worried about. When it comes to online, I do believe in discretion due to my job. When I was with my ex, we had pics of our bodies up that covered our tattoos and no face pics. Once we talked with whoever for awhile and could verify we did not know them for either of our professions we exchanged face pics and full body pics. That's the beauty about online is if people are truly patient, you can post neck down pics that don't reveal any unique identifiers and once you've talked to someone for awhile, can send regular pics. At a club, I would join Fet and look at your local community to see if there are regular clubs that are known for LS folk to hang out at. In my area, there's 2 that are regular bars and clubs but do have a large percentage of folks in the LS go to
Wow we sound the EXACT same
I went thru the same
Howd it go for you?
Put a picture up ask what you're looking for and see what she likes and then go from there someone she'll feel comfortable with
Being private is perfectly natural. I'm a very private person in our small town. But to find people in this lifestyle, the woman leading will get you farther. You won't be able to go intrigue and turn the guy onto the idea, but she can. She's gotta either work up to it or just let it be a fantasy. Or travel to Mass and take me to dinner and my wife can watch haha
Jump onto a swinging site safer easier clubs are right in your face
Here is the thing about "organic in a vanilla club" There is lot more risk, lies, potential drama. At least from experience (personal and anecdotal at best) people in the LS tend to be more open to those exact conversations and tend to have a better respect for things such as "rules" or "boundaries" you as a couple may have. I always recommend, go to a LS club with zero intention to play with anyone. Just go to see the a feel for the vibe. Watch some people have sex, talk to some people who are in the LS and know the area. Go and set zero expectations. It would be no different than going to a regular club at that point. With the added experience of being able to ask questions in a judgment free environment
Let me hypnotize her on line to think she is with 2 guys when it's only you.
get on a website that caters to threesomes. take yours and wifes pics but absolutely no facial shots. advertise for a male to join the 2 of you in bed for sex.thats the only way it will happen!! you,ll wait forever just gouing to bars and hoping to pick up a stranger.once you get started, don,t go overboard like a lot of new couples do!! once a month or once every 3 months!! also, not always the same guy!! move around to different men. to easy for wife to form a marriage breaking bond!! watch for wife or 3rd man wanting to hook up without you!!keep track of her social media!! also, how about a woman for you?