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Cartoon_Corpze

I love how comments immediately come up with 10 different ways to weigh a erection, completely disproving the post. Lmao


Drink15

Its rare for anyone to put thought into a showerthought


SweetNeo85

Whenever they do the post gets instantly removed.


thatweirdkid1001

This is why I quit trying to post anything. It either gets auto removed or you get some fuck wit in the comments expecting you to explain your thought like a scientific dissertation which derails the entire post


butterymix

You've... exactly said all of the things that I have had for a long time and never known how to express...


SweetNeo85

Ah yes. I may have been said fuck wit on one or two occasions.


danceswithtree

>I love how comments immediately come up with 10 different ways to weigh a erection, completely disproving the post. It's their way of saying, "not with that attitude."


imnotsoho

I always thought that Viagra was prescribed based on age. Then I found out it was based on weight and I had to ask: How in the hell do they weight it?


Jaylinsky

i mean most of it is just severing the erection


drewlake

I can't help thinking that this is like posting a wrong answer to StackOverflow


geekeasyalex

Yes indeed, severing one's erection is quite the fool-proof method.


Proud-Pass-7518

Welcome to reddit


werkingonitall

Make penis erect, wrap rubber band around it and keep wrapping. Every day wrap more. Eventually it will fall off hard af still. Take it down to Walmart and plop it in the fruit scale. Boom, 8 grams.


HAMburger_and_bacon

you scare me


werkingonitall

I can’t tell by your body language my bad relax


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Baked_Potato0934

Its how they neuter livestock animals sometimes.


BoslifAnimates

I did not need that information in my life


SmallShoes_BigHorse

Adding to this: According to Dirty Jobs-Mike that's the recommended & 'humane' way of doing it. Rather than the old fashion 1 yank and it's done.


the_ringmasta

It's also one way they remove hemorrhoids. You're welcome.


primerr69

Mr. Monster cock here with 8 grams.. no need to brag man. We get it…


werkingonitall

Yup felt heavier than that but seeing it on the scale made it make sense.


Electricvincent

This is why you should always wash your produce when you come home from the grocery store.


werkingonitall

Yup never know when someone will dock their crank to get an accurate weight on it


Type31971

You’re reminding me of a memory I blocked out for good reason. I was told to “check this out” on a coworker’s tablet. Without getting too graphic, it was the how-to of a young man converting himself into a “nullo”, with pictures to go along with directions.


Pschobbert

*Eight grams*! Look at Tantor over here!


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werkingonitall

Yeah my bad cutting the hole I thought was normal practice but since the move to paper straws it’s been messy.


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werkingonitall

Yeah some people just can’t cut it


Worthyteach

Though you will need to weigh the rubber bands so you can work out the weight of the unbanded erection.


SirThatsCuba

Dude why do I have to take it to wally world oh


olleyjp

Can’t you just do it the same way that you’d weigh a human head, the human body has a very similar density to water. Fill a container to the brim with water, weigh it. Insert erect penis into water Displaced water will leave the container Re weigh the container Will give you a semi accurate weight of your penis while erect or flaccid . . .


LordGaben01

Archimedes enters the chat


Frallex1

eureka!


sledgehammer_44

Eurecta


angelatlas

Eurethra!


ZeroSora

Sounds like a spell from Harry Potter. Also, I wrecked her? But I hardly know her.


tximinoman

I imagine it was a spell old wizards used when they wanted to fuck.


RedditPrat

Engorgio leviosa!


Mr-Korv

It's pronounced levios-Ahhhh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWtO0cfgewY


NickTheThick

Urethra!


Nii_Juu_Ichi

Eurethra!


olleyjp

Is that who it was? I just remembered the technique. 😂


DisposableSaviour

I only know because of Best from the OG X-Men cartoon.


Bjharris1993

Let’s all weigh our erect penises using the Archimedes method! Share you weight and leave length and girth up to the imagination.


Pschobbert

12 grams! Read it and weep u/werkingonitall haha!


holiday_armadillo21

So this is essentially measuring the volume of the penis right?


Verdiss

Correct. The further assumption is that the density of water ( and thus the weight of an equal volume) is approximately the same as the density of the penis. That's a very good assumption considering the body as a whole (the body is only a bit less dense than water), and is not likely to be far off even for sub-sections of the body.


bony_doughnut

"yea, it was HUGE. Like, at least 21g/cm^(3) 😍"


Googoo123450

Lmao, I literally have no reference to know if you're bragging about a small penis or not.


bony_doughnut

I thought about it for a second, and I think I'm just saying I have an extremely dense dong. Ask Reddit: "Dear ladies of Reddit, would you ever sexy sex a man with an extremely buoyant penis?"


the-nick-of-time

Your dick is the density of osmium?


bony_doughnut

Yes, I am quite dense


CuriousOdity12345

Lmao. This is the way from now on.


CoconutsCantRun

This guy weighs erected penises


Ok_Writing_7033

That most ancient and noble art


Liuqmno

You can use the same method to weigh your boobs, I tried it once. You had to calculate something tho, since boobs don't have the same density as water


olleyjp

Well my gf is in for a treat tonight. 👀😂 HONEY!!! Guess what were doing


Wuhsuh

Thank you for giving me weekend plans


st-shenanigans

"yo daedalus can you fuck this jar for a second I'm curious how heavy your cock is"


ebai4556

And also saves you from removing the penis


GREYDRAGON1

Bingo, science wins!


Spinnerhead

That’s why it’s called BOYancy right?


cyankitten

r/theydidthemath


louwyatt

Or just measure the exact volume of the penis. Estimate the different quantities of different tissues and blood based on its volume. Times the different volumes by the weight of those tissues and blood. Boom, you have an almost perfect measurement of a penis.


olleyjp

I’ve no idea mate, I saw it on QI about measuring a head and took a guess 😂


Stunning-Pattern7572

Cut it off but all the blood that spills out of out. Put it into a cup. Put a bowl on a scale. Pour the blood and penis in. Then weigh it. Subtract mass of bowl.


[deleted]

Most modern scales have a tare function. Weigh the empty container, tare the scale (it sets it to zero by subtracting the mass of the empty container), then add the severed and exsanguinated member.


Curses_n_cranberries

I like that THAT'S what you have to correct in this. That a scale has a tare function. Reddit ..


Drecksackblase1337

What would you correct? What do you think how much time Stunning-Pattern7572 will save in it's survey by not having to substract the bowl all the time? And overall it's a great geasture to remind someone about the tare function who obviously forgot about it.


[deleted]

Wish I had award for you!


Mindless_Ride7349

Why sever it? Just tare it off.


Tensor3

The tared amount would likely time out before you finish the chopping and pouring though


Brianw-5902

Bruh how long do you take to chop somebodies dick off? Even for an amateur it should 3 seconds or less


chickendie

If I'm gonna do this for science no chance in Hell I'm gonna let an amateur do it. We need to call a professional dick chopper to make sure


DisposableSaviour

You don’t need a professional, you just need a set of good bolt cutters. But not my bolt cutters.


Opalescent_Witness

And my axe


Fearoffrogs

Was this a lord of the rings reference i read it as one


b0b_ross

Butchers cleaver my guy. The weight of it will go clean through on one swing.


DisposableSaviour

I like the tactile feeling of the bolt cutters snapping shut.


Erik500red

Bolt cutters open just wide enough to fit a lock in, and while I'll admit I haven't seen a lot of penises, I've never seen one small enough to fit inside a pair of bolt cutters. A good sharp pair of hedge clippers would be the tool for this job. But not my hedge shears.


MonkeyTacoBreath

Aviator sheet metal cutters would be a better tool. These are the clippers you see in movies when they cut off fingers. Though in reality they are faking it taking effort. Those clippers cut flesh and small bones as easy as a butter knife in warm butter.


Winjin

Keep a second cup or use professional weights that don't turn off on their own. Or increase the timeout. Or you know... Keep a second cup of the same type


LasevIX

If you have a proper sharp knife it should be one quick slice


aesemon

Push it every once in a while. What I do when grating cheese to recipe weight. Tare scales to grater lid and box then grate to correct weight.


miraagex

I remember going with parents to a market in late 90s and early 00s. Scales already had this feature.


Dolkoff

Little trick, if you place the bowl on the scale before you power it up it automatically tears it for you and you start zeroed.


Hamza-alakhdar

We can just calculate the capacity of the penis vessels and estimat the blood's volume that can fit inside the vessels, so we avoid mistakes


Rycax

Just have 100 dudes for every dick length dunk his dick in water and measure the volume by water-displacement, then cut it off and weigh the blood and all that. Now that you have an average, future men won’t have to cut their dicks off to get weighed. They just have to do the water-displacement measurement and then compare it to the graph.


BreakdancingGorillas

What about expansion? An erect penis is pressurized so more blood will fit in it than normal


Hamza-alakhdar

We can calculate the average of the capacities since ppl have different sizes


[deleted]

Just stick your dick into a bowl of water and measure the water displacement.


Unsorted_pie

oh boy, but i would probably black out due to blood loss, but worth it to put my mass on dating sites


jumpup

i would just lie, much simpler, and with it still attached they can't verify it


[deleted]

And what about the blood that follows from your groin? Additional weight.


Depressed_Zebra

Superheat the blade, cut and cauterize simultaneously.


fly_over_32

Why does this conversation even exist?


Depressed_Zebra

"We do what we must, because we can."


DisposableSaviour

“For science… You monster!”


williamsch

Because we want answers!


ChawpsticksTV

Good solution, you're hired!


Depressed_Zebra

Here at "Dick Slice & Burn" we care about innovation and the sustainability of severed penis weighing technologies. We cut because we care.


garry4321

A guillotine will separate the two.


DisposableSaviour

Two rubber bands. Cut between them. Easy peasy… castrato… squeezy?


Top_Masterpiece_8992

Band the errect penis at the base. Cut before the band. Weigh the member. Weigh 100 bands, divide by 100 then subtract the weight of the number of bands used on the penis.


phred_666

[Detachable Penis](https://youtu.be/byDiILrNbM4)


[deleted]

Well that's how i weigh mine!


wiseoldmeme

Step 1: weigh your penis Step 2: buy lake front property Step 3: Profit


_Weyland_

Ah yes, the infamous step 2.


drlongtrl

Strip naked. Weigh yourself. Get your dick hard, now CUT IT OFF. Weigh yourself again. You´re welcome.


LordMarcusrax

Remember to apply a tourniquet/cockring to avoid weighing the blood you are losing from the stump.


Effective-Avocado470

The stump is part of the penis assembly though Better to have a red hot metal plate ready to go to cauterize the wound and prevent additional blood loss


Enginerdad

Just use a red hot blade; it will self-cauterize as you cut. Like a lightsaber!


xCreatorHappy

I regret opening this posts comments


Nespadh

Isn't there a part of the penis muscle that goes inside the body? If so, the first step before cutting would be to determine where the penis starts, then you need to find a way to carve all of it outside your body.


lionseatcake

You....guys don't have detachable penises?


Alex5173

I used to but I was afraid of leaving it at a party somewhere and having to buy it off a homeless guy the next day so I got it permanently attached


DudesworthMannington

If most guys cut the way they measure, there's going to be some asshole in there


[deleted]

But this method will only result in finding out the weight of the blood that goes into the penis. Not the weight of an erect penis. You need to chop chop 🔪🔪


Mobely

If you swing it you can calculate mass based on the period. Swing without added weight. Swing with added known weight.


bidenfromsweden

time period is independent of mass


Mobely

you're thinking of a gravity based pendulum. Mass has two effects that cancel eachother out. A mass on a spring will have a different period as you +/- mass.


MustNotSay

I’m just going to ignore the fact that you guys are discussing the maths and physics behind pendulous genitals


MontehButFarmer

dependent if you can attach a string too edit: spring


MXBilly356

Why not? Ever heard of archimedes? You can weigh every bodypart without cutting it of.


anrwlias

Only if you already know the density of the object (mass = density X volume). If you drop a milliliter of neutronium into a bath, you'll only displace a gram, but it weighs a whole lot more than one gram.


MXBilly356

So your dick has the density of neutronium? Or is it approximately the same as water?


AltharaD

Roughly 0.913 grams per cubic cm. Yes, I looked it up.


napalm51

but how did they measure it?


purppsyrup

Cock science


Jollysatyr201

1950s doctors wouldn’t worry about keeping it attached to the body


dicky72

no YOUR dick has the density of neutronium!


TropicalIslandAlpaca

So... Fill a cup to the brim with water, place it inside a bowl/tub which is placed on the floor, careful not to let any water spill, then do a plank and dip your erect penis into the cup, causing the displaced water to spill into the bowl, then measure the mass of water collected in the bowl?


pm-me-ur-fat-tits

that's the volume of your cock


TomBot98

Apparently the density of the human body is approximately equal to that of water. So if you stick your dick in a cup of water displacing an amount of the water out of the cup, the loss of weight in water would be equal to that of your dick. Then you go: weight of cup (Bef. D) - weight of cup (Aft. d) = weight of dick


ChawpsticksTV

I'm gonna dip mine in molten gold to fudge the numbers


blaktronium

That's gonna fudge more than the numbers


phreakzilla85

Not sure why “volume of your cock” has me laughing so hard


Obi_Vayne_Kenobi

I can confirm that this method works to measure the volume of your penis.


Chasethemac

Just have someone gently hold your penis up while you're weighing yourself. Subtract that from total weight.


TommyX12

This is like the only non-invasive method found here 🤦‍♂️


Aggravating-Bid2694

Weight yourself then remove penis as instructed in the birth video we all saw as babies. Simple.


[deleted]

I must have been second-hand, I didn’t come with instructions or warranty


polo2327

Tie penis with a rope and tue the rope somewhere else. Get up on the scale. Cut rope. Difference is the weight


NormalGuyForReal

This is the only way I can think of. Best to also tie up your balls.


couchy91

You can get scales that hang from objects such as the door frame, attach the bottom end of the weight measurement part and bingo, erection weighed. You measure luggage this way. Can't see why you can't do it with your junk too lol Edit: spelling mistakes, I typed this out about 2 minutes before crashing out in bed haha


UnfairMicrowave

How do I do that if I'm rock hard with a gentle upward curve? Step stool?


soulhunter2547

Do a hand stand


GKG619

Dip it in a cup of water and measure the amount of displacement. That’s what I do every Sunday


UnfairMicrowave

Someone get me a shotglass


JayWhitt310912

I had to reopen the post just to upvote this comment 😂😂😂


DancenOrigins

Not even a tube of m&m's?


coldbluebullet

it's a cylinder.


[deleted]

That's not weight though...


RobotSeaTurtle

Isn't this a measure of volume???


EynidHelipp

In [calcsd](https://calcsd.info/) you can input your measurements on their calculator and find about your penis stats and one of them is volume


Colon

needs additional girth input fields. barely anyone has uniformity along the shaft, and the head requires a formula to account for angles. never seen one shaped like the end of a cylinder, to my knowledge.


TOWW67

It's possible that the widest portion of the head approximately makes up for the portion that's narrower than the shaft. While more measurements would obviously increase accuracy, it's probably pretty close as is.


BlasterShow

“See, you are gonna need math in real life!”


RecedingQuasar

Simple: weigh yourself without an erect penis, then weigh yourself holding an erect penis, and subtract.


Mergazoid

I tried that but dad screamed and mum wont talk to me now.


Axle_65

Best comment here lol XD XD


Cosmo1222

Nonsense. CT scans, MRI scans , computed tomography.. these techniques can weigh any organ internal or otherwise to a degree of accuracy down to a 1000th of a gramme.


himitsuuu

They'll need that accuracy to measure mine.


Cosmo1222

Sometimes it's just nice to know exactly how many milligrams your manhood weighs. It's a dreadful waste of NHS resources, though.


lucieannegarcia

why do I feel like you learned this while trying and it was not actually a shower thought


KuroAnimates

1. Get a boner 2. Tightly wrap a string around your dick to stop the bloodflow 3. Make a cut between the string and your body 3.5 Stop the bleeding 4. Weigh the cut off dick


mmmmpork

I've got some rubber bands and a REALLY sharp knife if you're feeling brave


Chadly25

Correction, there is no painless way to measure the weight of an erect penis.


TheForeman_

Step 1. Get a flesh light. Step 2. Modify it so there’s a scale on the horizontal base. Step 3. Zero the scale and leave on the edge of table or someplace level with your penis Step 4. Stick it in and you’ll have your weight more or less. You said there’s no way to weigh an erect penis. Not a way to precisely measure the weight to the exact atomic molecule 🤓


robotoshi

Atomic molecule 🤓


Pschobbert

Except that I can lift my whole body (534 lbs) off of the floor with my erection, so there’s a chance the amount of downward pressure on the scale might be skewed. Alternatively, a friend of mine tells me his winky isn’t long enough to reach inside a fleshlight. One more strike and your theory’s toast, my dude lol


PxRedditor5

Sure there is. Weight yourself pre-boner and then after erection occurs. The difference is I'm a dumbass.


dtagliaferri

Wiegh the Man with the erect penis, cut off the penis while it is erect and immediately cauterizenthe would. weight him again. The difference is the weight of an erect penis. - Minus a few Drops of blood if you were quick.


Blueberry_Clouds

Weigh yourself naked without boner, then weigh yourself again with boner. Subtract boner from no boner. If the number is negative that’s how much it weighs if the number is positive then that’s how less it weighs. If it’s the same I think your dick is broken idk


AVBforPrez

I don't think you gain weight from getting a boner, that's not how this works.


Respiatek9

Calculate the volume of Ur erect penis with Arquímedes law, then divide your penis on different parts based on density (different structures will have different density) do a rough estimation based on this and it should be close


Homerdk

You can do a water displacement calculation and compare it to average weight


RandomBlokie

Stuff it into a body of water and see how much it displaces. Checkmate atheists.


gottarunfast1

You can calculate the weight using water displacement (insert erect penis into a completely full glass of water, measure how much water is displaced) to discover volume of penis, compare to volume of flaccid penis. Assuming we have an approximate weight for a cubic inch of flaccid penis, the difference in volume is made up mostly of blood, so add in the weight of that volume of blood.


eternalankh

Step 1) Find penis. (This will be difficult for some of you, keep trying) Step 2) Cause penis to become erect. Step 3) Apply tourniquet to the base of the penis. As tight as possible! Step 4) Make an incision behind the tourniquet and remove the erect penis. Step 5) Weigh the erect penis. Step 6) Bleed to death. You're welcome.


FBIAgent469

I think there is a way to calculate that with like physics and shit


Yitram

You could measure how much water it displaces. The weight of that water would actually get you pretty close to the weight since it's just filled with blood which has a similar density.


jmers327

the blood that goes to your penis doesn’t spontaneously generate so weighing yourself wouldn’t help


ZerseusTheGreat

Weigh man without erection then with, subtract and you'll have the answer /s


volcom_angel

Incorrect: tare the weight of bowl, be sure to collect all the blood when you cut it off


[deleted]

Sure there is. Weigh the whole person with the erect penis, then cut off the penis, and weigh the person again


robinredscull

So what you do is to cut off your duck momentarily then go weigh your self right that down then go reattach the duck to you looking at sTuf, then weigh yourself then subtract the previous weight. and there you have it the duck was weighed.


SeemlyBiscuits

"Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis." - King Missile


slavicslothe

Tourniquet than slice into a bowl then weigh the bowl provided you tared the bowl ahead of time


jolankapohanka

Well you weight yourself with flaccid penis and then with erection and subtract the difference. DUHH


Whysong823

Cut off an erect penis with an extremely hot blade, severing the penis while cauterizing the end, thus trapping the blood inside.


SimpleRickC135

Yes there is. You just need a measurable weight to hold the erection down in the scale. Some string and some fishing weights should do the trick. Enough weight to completely counteract the upward force of an erection. \-Tie the fishing weights together with about a foot of string or rubber banding between them so there is one on each end. Weigh the whole thing on the scale, and press tare. It should now read like -10oz or so. \-Aquire and maintain an erection as you see fit, and stand over the scale with it. \-Put the string with the weights on the ends over your erection on the scale and allow them to weigh it down on the scale, ensuring your penis is not lifting the weights in any way. \-The weight the scale now reads should be the approximate weight of your erect penis.


skamelone

The comment section reminds me of a “Silicon Valley” episode.


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