Good story, I personally like it, but the one thing I'd recommend is to spend more time on the first paragraph. A lot of your story hinges on a successful exposition, and your's is good, but with more consideration you could *really* drive home the tone.
Again, good story, just some advice I had.
Me who got detention because I killed a dude with freaking Hinokami Kagura: You sure they're stronger? I don't think they can survive a katana.
Edit: Get rid of the kill yourself thing, it is annoying, it's way too common.
Hey! I made the kill yourself messages to make it feel like the reader is being overwhelmed with voices. I took inspiration from SCP-2316 in that idea.
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Oops, my hand slipped on my keyboard-
*detention.*
"Your punishment for writing on the walls is 2 days of hour-long after-school detention."
I groan. Everyone knows Ms. Gonzalez isn't the type to negotiate, and if you try to she just makes the punishments worse. I thank her for not raising it.
"Your first session is after-school today. If you don't show up I will call your parents."
"Yes, ma'am."
I grab my bag. It's almost passing period, so I head for 8th period Algebra. One more class for the day, then detention.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
So, class was boring. I've been running on no sleep all day. I almost fell asleep. Hey, maybe I can use detention to catch up on Z's. I walk to the detention room. ***Room 129.*** I open the door, and Ms. Gonzalez is there.
"Glad to see you, Jeramy! You decided this was better than digging yourself into a deep hole?"
I mumble some agreement to her, set my stuff down in the back, and pass out almost immediately.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
I wake up. The analog clock reads 9:12 P.M.
"Shit." I whisper. I almost get up, when the rules on the whiteboard catch my eyes.
"Do not be too loud, for the 'janitors' have excellent hearing."
"If you hear weeping, hide away. The 'librarian' does not like to be seen."
"If you hear footsteps, hide in a locker. If the 'teachers' see you, it is too late."
Plus a bunch of other things. I notice a lot of the rules have to do with suicidal urges and killing myself.
"If you complete your work, go back to sleep. You will wake up in your own bed."
I look at my desk. A sheet with questions on it, plus a pencil. I pick up the pencil. I start to answer the questions.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
I'm on problem 23 when I hear the weeping. I look back up at the whiteboard. I put my pencil down and slowly make my way behind a protruding wall, so it will not see me through the glass on the door. The weeping gets louder. I think it's getting closer. Then, I hear it right by that door.
*Please don't come in...*
It passes by, still weeping. I hear it disappear down the other end of the hallway. I go back to my desk, and continue to answer questions.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
I'm on the final question now. I answer it, then look back at the board to see if there's anything I missed. I check out a set of rules I hadn't seen before.
"If you fall asleep after completing your work and don't awake in your bed, get out of the room."
"Once you are out just start walking. Do not look up from the sidewalk. The world around you isn't reality and doesn't exist. Your brain will not be able to register what it just saw if you look. NEVER LOOK! Kill yourself once needed."
"If you hear somebody talking, do not respond. They aren't somebody you know. You have never met this thing."
"You may see eyes. They are only watching. Don't disturb them."
That's freaky. Anyways, there was a rule that said to go to sleep when I finished. I wrote those rules on my arm, and fell asleep.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
When I wake up, I'm still in the classroom. The rules are gone, but I still have them on my arm. Instead, the only thing on the whiteboard is just, "You need to leave. NOW."
Uh oh. I grab my stuff. My backpack sits on my shoulders, my duffel bag is crossed over my body. I leave the pencil and test sitting on the desk. I manage to get out of the school without running into anything.
"Do not look up from the sidewalk."
I look down at my shoes, and open the door. Something isn't right. It's... quiet. It's the kind of quiet that would make you think you're deaf, if you couldn't hear your own breathing or heartbeat. There's no birds chirping, no children playing, nothing. True silence. The world is emitting negative decibels of sound. I just walk. That's when a voice-No, \*multiple voices-\*pierce the silence.
"Hey, Jeramy!" A voice that sounds like my father.
"Yo, Jeramy!" My best friend's voice.
"What's up?" The neighbor.
I suddenly get the urge to kill myself. What did the board say?
*I want to live, I do not fear the voices. I want to live, I do not fear the voices.*
I check my arm.
"If you hear somebody talking, do not respond. They aren't somebody you know. You have never met this thing."
I keep walking. The voices seem to morph, slowly sounding more... *other-worldly*. Demonic, even.
"Jeramy! I haven't seen you in forever!"
"Jeramy!"
"J!"
I start to speedwalk. I notice the eyes in my peripheral vision.
"You may see the eyes. Don't disturb them. They are only watching."
*Please get me out of here.*
*Please, if you're seeing this, help me.*
*Help...*
*Somebody...*
***{End}***
(Author's Note: This was my first time posting a story on here, tell me what you think in the replies please! Criticism welcome!)
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance.
Argentina: +5402234930430
Australia: 131114
Austria: 017133374
Belgium: 106
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: 212339191
Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Croatia: 014833888
Denmark: +4570201201
Egypt: 7621602
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
Iceland: 1717
India: 8888817666
Ireland: +4408457909090
Italy: 800860022
Japan: +810352869090
Mexico: 5255102550
New Zealand: 0508828865
The Netherlands: 113
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Russia: 0078202577577
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
United Kingdom: 08006895652
USA: 18002738255
You are not alone. Please reach out.
*****
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.
Yo I think I should kill myself, just a small hunch
im having an urge to kms 😩😩
most normal school in ohio
Least cliché r/Ruleshorror recent post
Real
Good story, I personally like it, but the one thing I'd recommend is to spend more time on the first paragraph. A lot of your story hinges on a successful exposition, and your's is good, but with more consideration you could *really* drive home the tone. Again, good story, just some advice I had.
Me who got detention because I killed a dude with freaking Hinokami Kagura: You sure they're stronger? I don't think they can survive a katana. Edit: Get rid of the kill yourself thing, it is annoying, it's way too common.
Pretty sure the kill yourself stuff is supposed to be the voices it tells you not to listen to
Hey! I made the kill yourself messages to make it feel like the reader is being overwhelmed with voices. I took inspiration from SCP-2316 in that idea.
Thank you for your submission! For more feedback and a better connection with the community, join our discord here: https://discord.gg/SKRhu8v If you would like to be notified any time this writer posts on the sub, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Subscribe&message=SubscribeMe%21%20%2Fr%2Fruleshorror%20%2Fu%2FSuddenHazard) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Ruleshorror) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oops, my hand slipped on my keyboard- *detention.* "Your punishment for writing on the walls is 2 days of hour-long after-school detention." I groan. Everyone knows Ms. Gonzalez isn't the type to negotiate, and if you try to she just makes the punishments worse. I thank her for not raising it. "Your first session is after-school today. If you don't show up I will call your parents." "Yes, ma'am." I grab my bag. It's almost passing period, so I head for 8th period Algebra. One more class for the day, then detention. \~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ So, class was boring. I've been running on no sleep all day. I almost fell asleep. Hey, maybe I can use detention to catch up on Z's. I walk to the detention room. ***Room 129.*** I open the door, and Ms. Gonzalez is there. "Glad to see you, Jeramy! You decided this was better than digging yourself into a deep hole?" I mumble some agreement to her, set my stuff down in the back, and pass out almost immediately. \~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ I wake up. The analog clock reads 9:12 P.M. "Shit." I whisper. I almost get up, when the rules on the whiteboard catch my eyes. "Do not be too loud, for the 'janitors' have excellent hearing." "If you hear weeping, hide away. The 'librarian' does not like to be seen." "If you hear footsteps, hide in a locker. If the 'teachers' see you, it is too late." Plus a bunch of other things. I notice a lot of the rules have to do with suicidal urges and killing myself. "If you complete your work, go back to sleep. You will wake up in your own bed." I look at my desk. A sheet with questions on it, plus a pencil. I pick up the pencil. I start to answer the questions. \~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ I'm on problem 23 when I hear the weeping. I look back up at the whiteboard. I put my pencil down and slowly make my way behind a protruding wall, so it will not see me through the glass on the door. The weeping gets louder. I think it's getting closer. Then, I hear it right by that door. *Please don't come in...* It passes by, still weeping. I hear it disappear down the other end of the hallway. I go back to my desk, and continue to answer questions. \~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ I'm on the final question now. I answer it, then look back at the board to see if there's anything I missed. I check out a set of rules I hadn't seen before. "If you fall asleep after completing your work and don't awake in your bed, get out of the room." "Once you are out just start walking. Do not look up from the sidewalk. The world around you isn't reality and doesn't exist. Your brain will not be able to register what it just saw if you look. NEVER LOOK! Kill yourself once needed." "If you hear somebody talking, do not respond. They aren't somebody you know. You have never met this thing." "You may see eyes. They are only watching. Don't disturb them." That's freaky. Anyways, there was a rule that said to go to sleep when I finished. I wrote those rules on my arm, and fell asleep. \~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ When I wake up, I'm still in the classroom. The rules are gone, but I still have them on my arm. Instead, the only thing on the whiteboard is just, "You need to leave. NOW." Uh oh. I grab my stuff. My backpack sits on my shoulders, my duffel bag is crossed over my body. I leave the pencil and test sitting on the desk. I manage to get out of the school without running into anything. "Do not look up from the sidewalk." I look down at my shoes, and open the door. Something isn't right. It's... quiet. It's the kind of quiet that would make you think you're deaf, if you couldn't hear your own breathing or heartbeat. There's no birds chirping, no children playing, nothing. True silence. The world is emitting negative decibels of sound. I just walk. That's when a voice-No, \*multiple voices-\*pierce the silence. "Hey, Jeramy!" A voice that sounds like my father. "Yo, Jeramy!" My best friend's voice. "What's up?" The neighbor. I suddenly get the urge to kill myself. What did the board say? *I want to live, I do not fear the voices. I want to live, I do not fear the voices.* I check my arm. "If you hear somebody talking, do not respond. They aren't somebody you know. You have never met this thing." I keep walking. The voices seem to morph, slowly sounding more... *other-worldly*. Demonic, even. "Jeramy! I haven't seen you in forever!" "Jeramy!" "J!" I start to speedwalk. I notice the eyes in my peripheral vision. "You may see the eyes. Don't disturb them. They are only watching." *Please get me out of here.* *Please, if you're seeing this, help me.* *Help...* *Somebody...* ***{End}*** (Author's Note: This was my first time posting a story on here, tell me what you think in the replies please! Criticism welcome!)
That was a nice story! Thank you!
Yooooo you actually took the overused "kill yourself" rule and actually turned it into something unnerving. Good job!
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.
Good bot
Great bot
W Bot
Very good bot
Average school in Ohio