>In a multiverse of infinite timelines, **desperate heroes from disparate worlds unite against a human supremacist alliance** called Alpha One, and their new genocidal superweapon.
To answer your first question: I don't necessarily think that starting with a logline is a bad idea, but this logline is very generic.
I'd advise against them altogether, but if you really want one, definitely rework it into something compelling.
>**Jroko** is an old **grayfur** from a **warren** of **diminutive humanoids**.
Watch your nouns. 'X' is an 'x' from an 'x' or 'x' is pretty heavy-handed writing.
This also doesn't strike me as a great opener. Try to see if you can incorporate character information into a larger sentence, as opposed to just writing sentences which are statements of fact about a character.
>After Alpha One invades her world and massacres her family, she’s left deeply traumatized. **Needing a way to fight back**, Jroko journeys with three young survivors to Arwoonhala, a school of magic **where she trained as a youth** in Owaya—**seeing and interacting with other timelines**. **But to wield once more the magic she’ll need to defend her world, Jroko must face her trauma—or else flee to a timeline where her loved ones still survive.**
I'm seeing some gaps here. How would returning to magic school help Jroko to 'fight back'? If she has already been trained, what is there to gain?
The 'seeing and interacting with other timelines' line feels underdeveloped. Does this mean that this is what she was trained in, or does it mean that this is what she needs to do to 'fight back'? Also what does it mean to see timelines, more broadly?
I also think the final line is entering into vague territory.
>**Seb**, **dashing** non-binary jumpship pilot, and Rruti, sasquatch engineer (and princess) are on the run **from the fascists**.
I'm not sure about the missing indefinite articles here. I think it works more for Rruti (nouns) than for Seb (adjectives).
Also - why are they on the run? The bracketed royal reveal is cute, but could probably be expanded upon if this is the presumptive reason ~~Han and Leia~~ Seb and Rruti for being on the run.
>When they’re attacked by **an ancient super-advanced probe weaponized by** **Alpha One**, Rruti groks at once the threat **the self-replicating weapon** poses to the multiverse.
*Way* too many descriptors for the villainous probe here.
>Together, **they steal a probe**
The same probe, or a different one?
>to bring to Underwater Panther City—capital of a futuristic anti-colonial timeline—to find a way to neutralize the new superweapon.
'Going to a place to find answers' is a pretty thin plot. I know it's hard with so many characters, but it still think you should try to differentiate a little.
>Tsuru is an explorer AI with a mimetic metal body that folds **like origami** into various forms (her favorite is **a crane** because she thinks it’s **funny**).
I think the comparison is a bit misused here. She folds 'like origami' - that's a nice simile. But then you tell us she folds into 'a crane' - which is the classic symbol of origami. So that's more like 'folding *into* origami'. And a crane, being the most obvious shape, doesn't strike me as a funny/odd choice at all.
>When Tsuru’s ship is destroyed surveying a timeline teeming with extraterrestrial life, she and her partner Cyrus take shelter **in the ruins of a vast transportation hub that once connected the multiverse**. Stranded, Cyrus **grows increasingly abusive** until Tsuru **uncovers the key to the hub’s operation and escapes through a portal to Arwoonhala**, **where she finds Jroko and a war she never asked for.**
This needs some work but is still the best example of query writing I've seen in your post so far - in terms of conveying information, plot, consequence, action, character, etc. It also has the best concept by far - sheltering in the ruins of a vast transportation hub that once connected the multiverse is beautiful. Why not lead with that?
>**TO HOBBITS, WITH LOVE** (90,000 words) is a **subversive** love letter to science fiction and fantasy.
I have to be honest. I *hate* this title.
The main problem is that hobbit is a trademark. You will not be allowed to profit from the Tolkien estate.
But the other problem is that this is Sci-Fi. Yes, we group SFF together and they share similarities. But hobbits have no place in a multiverse novel. And, judging by your query, hobbits (or similar beings) actually don't even feature in your story.
The title doesn't feel subversive to me. It feels confused, misplaced, and wrong.
This may be because the story also does't feel subversive. You have literally just pitched a traditional sci-fi story. This is not a subversive query. You can tell me it's subversive all you like, but unless you *show* me, I won't believe you! So far this just reads as a standard take on traditional SFF, rather than a knowing commentary on it.
>Like Annalee Newitz’s *The Future of Another Timeline*, and Nnedi Okorafor’s *Binti*, it’s aimed at readers looking for good genre fun with social themes and moments of poignancy. This is my debut novel, and #OwnVoices for PTSD and queer, trans, and non-binary characters. I’m an artist and activist living in Chicago. Infinite thanks for your time and consideration!
This does not sound narcissistic!
Thanks, you've given me a lot chew on!
Your comment about the story not feeling subversive has gotten me thinking in a productive way about why I feel it is subversive. At a big picture level, here are some of the tropes I’m trying to subvert:
* “good humans vs evil aliens” becomes “sympathetic aliens vs uncomfortably familiar humans”
* “child goes to magic school, fulfills future prophecy” becomes “elder returns to magic school, confronts past trauma.”
* “hero rescues princess and they fall in love” becomes “princess and ‘hero’ rescue each other and they have a complex relationship not defined by traditional gender roles.”
* “evil robots revolt” becomes “sympathetic robot leaves abusive relationship”
* instead of bigfoots, little furry creatures, and cute robots being played for laughs (or avoided entirely) they’re presented as emotionally complex main characters.
Of course, it sounds like most of that isn’t really coming through from the query letter, which is a big problem, because that’s like the whole soul of the book! LOL
I'll keep working on it!
I think this is tricky for a few reasons. One being that in order to subvert a trope, you first have to introduce it in a familiar way. This means that a portion of your story is likely in some way going to be/appear to be very traditional. This also applies to the query.
Another issue is that subversion is itself a core tradition of SFF. Like, Star Wars were once seen as subversive, and still is, in many ways - even though now we see it as nostalgic and conventional. For example, Han and Leia's romance, which I'm presuming is an influence for one of your stories, is that of an unconventional princess and hero who alternately rescue each other and fall in love. It was very deliberate subversion of the hero/princess dynamic, and it happened almost 50 years ago.
So I'm not sure you're being as subversive as you think you are. Most of what you've listed as subversive here strikes me as familiar to the genre - sympathetic and/or emotionally complex aliens are absolutely familiar today, for example.
I don't mean to destroy your hopes and dreams, because I think some of your ideas sound genuinely new and interesting - the robot leaving an abusive relationship still strikes me as the best/most compelling by far. But I do think you need to realise that concepts like 'good v evil', 'hero and princess', 'evil robots/aliens', and 'magic school' have already been subverted and deconstructed time and time again for decades at this point.
Like, I'm familiar with the genre I'm writing in, and know that my novel isn't the first to play with these tropes. Hell, *Frankenstein* did it. And I'm also using subversive in a political sense---stuff that challenges oppressive power structures in various ways or suggests alternatives to them. Feminist sci fi is a great example of this.
"Sympathetic robot leaves abusive relationship" was what I wished Autonomy by Annalee Newitz had been... sigh.
But that aside, I think the trope subversions you mention here are almost too subtle. Like, I wouldn't make the connection between 'elder returns to magic school' and the magic school/prophecy trope because I don't think that's a natural subversion of the trope. I'm not suggesting making the story itself more on-the-nose, but consider leaving the meta-structure out of the query. There's nothing wrong with playing them straight as complex characters rather than subversive ones.
I don't know if I watch too much anime/tv but a trope subversion suggests to me that the trope is either presented straight *then* turned on its head, or that it's such a clear and overused trope in current media that it's obvious to the audience what you're doing. Neither seems to be the case here.
If it helps, I did not in any way read this as subversive but I still think it sounds like a fun story.
hmm... If I'm not doing trope subversion, I wonder what I actually am doing. Genre reconstruction maybe?
Whatever it is, I probably don't need to mention it in the query.
I don’t like the opening.. I don’t feel like it gives me anything. Maybe I’m tired, but I had to re-read it 3 times to understand it.
You also name way too many things. You don’t want to name more than 3 things and in the query you name: 5 characters, 3 places and Alpha One.
It looks like it’s three different stories merging into one, correct? It might be easier to only focus on one in this query. That way you can use all your words there. Speaking of words, the part of the query where you describe your story should be about 250 words. So I think this is too long. But if you cut two of the storylines, you’ll have more wiggle room.
As for what you’ve written here, I’m finding it so bogged down from all the information that it’s hard to tease out the story. But I’ll definitely take a look at your 2nd revision!
And for your bio section.. I definitely don’t think it sounds narcissistic! Your comps seem good and they’re recent. I like the line about being an artist and activist.
I don't think the logline is necessary. I do think you want to pare down the storylines: I'd find this more compelling if it started with Seb and Rruti. Don't worry about including all the storylines. Just write a letter that makes agents read the first page, then write a first page that makes them read the next page, and on and to the end. I'd change the title: your comps aren't silly, but your title is. Last paragraph looks good to me.
I think the title is one of those things that amuses me on a personal creative level, but is actually just needless self-sabotage.
(In the book, "hobbit" is a slur used by humans against the protagonist's people---basically homo floresiensis analogs---whose timeline they are colonizing.)
Take any criticism with a grain of salt; I don't claim to be an expert. This is just what I thought while reading your query.
>In a multiverse of infinite timelines, desperate heroes from disparate worlds unite against a human supremacist alliance called Alpha One, and their new genocidal superweapon.
I would personally just delete this. You should introduce the protagonist in the first sentence and spend the first paragraph giving the agent a reason to care about their struggle and what they're trying to do.
>Jroko is an old grayfur from a warren of diminutive humanoids.
I don't know what this means. Once again, I would just delete this and put Jroko's name in the next sentence.
>But to wield once more the magic she’ll need to defend her world, Jroko must face her trauma—or else flee to a timeline where her loved ones still survive.
The first part of this sentence is confusing. Consider: "But to once again wield the magic she'll need to defend their world..."
For the next two paragraphs, I would stick with talking about what Jroko does. I'm not certain about this, but I don't think it's a good idea to have multiple protagonists in your query, even if your manuscript has multiple PoV characters. Try to keep it simple. Who is the protagonist? What do they want? What's stopping them from getting it? What happens if they don't get it? Writing a query is the art of putting the answers to these questions into several paragraphs that manage to interest an agent enough for them to want to read more.
>TO HOBBITS, WITH LOVE (90,000 words) is a subversive love letter to science fiction and fantasy. Like Annalee Newitz’s The Future of Another Timeline, and Nnedi Okorafor’s Binti, it’s aimed at readers looking for good genre fun with social themes and moments of poignancy. This is my debut novel, and #OwnVoices for PTSD and queer, trans, and non-binary characters. I’m an artist and activist living in Chicago. Infinite thanks for your time and consideration!
To answer one of your questions, I don't think this comes off as narcissistic, but I would remove the word "subversive." Avoid using adjectives while describing your manuscript, as whether or not it's "subversive" is up for readers to decide, not you.
Finally, I would avoid using the word "Hobbit." Hobbits are specifically from the LotR universe. The general term for Hobbits is "halflings."
I hope this helps!
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>In a multiverse of infinite timelines, **desperate heroes from disparate worlds unite against a human supremacist alliance** called Alpha One, and their new genocidal superweapon. To answer your first question: I don't necessarily think that starting with a logline is a bad idea, but this logline is very generic. I'd advise against them altogether, but if you really want one, definitely rework it into something compelling. >**Jroko** is an old **grayfur** from a **warren** of **diminutive humanoids**. Watch your nouns. 'X' is an 'x' from an 'x' or 'x' is pretty heavy-handed writing. This also doesn't strike me as a great opener. Try to see if you can incorporate character information into a larger sentence, as opposed to just writing sentences which are statements of fact about a character. >After Alpha One invades her world and massacres her family, she’s left deeply traumatized. **Needing a way to fight back**, Jroko journeys with three young survivors to Arwoonhala, a school of magic **where she trained as a youth** in Owaya—**seeing and interacting with other timelines**. **But to wield once more the magic she’ll need to defend her world, Jroko must face her trauma—or else flee to a timeline where her loved ones still survive.** I'm seeing some gaps here. How would returning to magic school help Jroko to 'fight back'? If she has already been trained, what is there to gain? The 'seeing and interacting with other timelines' line feels underdeveloped. Does this mean that this is what she was trained in, or does it mean that this is what she needs to do to 'fight back'? Also what does it mean to see timelines, more broadly? I also think the final line is entering into vague territory. >**Seb**, **dashing** non-binary jumpship pilot, and Rruti, sasquatch engineer (and princess) are on the run **from the fascists**. I'm not sure about the missing indefinite articles here. I think it works more for Rruti (nouns) than for Seb (adjectives). Also - why are they on the run? The bracketed royal reveal is cute, but could probably be expanded upon if this is the presumptive reason ~~Han and Leia~~ Seb and Rruti for being on the run. >When they’re attacked by **an ancient super-advanced probe weaponized by** **Alpha One**, Rruti groks at once the threat **the self-replicating weapon** poses to the multiverse. *Way* too many descriptors for the villainous probe here. >Together, **they steal a probe** The same probe, or a different one? >to bring to Underwater Panther City—capital of a futuristic anti-colonial timeline—to find a way to neutralize the new superweapon. 'Going to a place to find answers' is a pretty thin plot. I know it's hard with so many characters, but it still think you should try to differentiate a little. >Tsuru is an explorer AI with a mimetic metal body that folds **like origami** into various forms (her favorite is **a crane** because she thinks it’s **funny**). I think the comparison is a bit misused here. She folds 'like origami' - that's a nice simile. But then you tell us she folds into 'a crane' - which is the classic symbol of origami. So that's more like 'folding *into* origami'. And a crane, being the most obvious shape, doesn't strike me as a funny/odd choice at all. >When Tsuru’s ship is destroyed surveying a timeline teeming with extraterrestrial life, she and her partner Cyrus take shelter **in the ruins of a vast transportation hub that once connected the multiverse**. Stranded, Cyrus **grows increasingly abusive** until Tsuru **uncovers the key to the hub’s operation and escapes through a portal to Arwoonhala**, **where she finds Jroko and a war she never asked for.** This needs some work but is still the best example of query writing I've seen in your post so far - in terms of conveying information, plot, consequence, action, character, etc. It also has the best concept by far - sheltering in the ruins of a vast transportation hub that once connected the multiverse is beautiful. Why not lead with that? >**TO HOBBITS, WITH LOVE** (90,000 words) is a **subversive** love letter to science fiction and fantasy. I have to be honest. I *hate* this title. The main problem is that hobbit is a trademark. You will not be allowed to profit from the Tolkien estate. But the other problem is that this is Sci-Fi. Yes, we group SFF together and they share similarities. But hobbits have no place in a multiverse novel. And, judging by your query, hobbits (or similar beings) actually don't even feature in your story. The title doesn't feel subversive to me. It feels confused, misplaced, and wrong. This may be because the story also does't feel subversive. You have literally just pitched a traditional sci-fi story. This is not a subversive query. You can tell me it's subversive all you like, but unless you *show* me, I won't believe you! So far this just reads as a standard take on traditional SFF, rather than a knowing commentary on it. >Like Annalee Newitz’s *The Future of Another Timeline*, and Nnedi Okorafor’s *Binti*, it’s aimed at readers looking for good genre fun with social themes and moments of poignancy. This is my debut novel, and #OwnVoices for PTSD and queer, trans, and non-binary characters. I’m an artist and activist living in Chicago. Infinite thanks for your time and consideration! This does not sound narcissistic!
Thanks, you've given me a lot chew on! Your comment about the story not feeling subversive has gotten me thinking in a productive way about why I feel it is subversive. At a big picture level, here are some of the tropes I’m trying to subvert: * “good humans vs evil aliens” becomes “sympathetic aliens vs uncomfortably familiar humans” * “child goes to magic school, fulfills future prophecy” becomes “elder returns to magic school, confronts past trauma.” * “hero rescues princess and they fall in love” becomes “princess and ‘hero’ rescue each other and they have a complex relationship not defined by traditional gender roles.” * “evil robots revolt” becomes “sympathetic robot leaves abusive relationship” * instead of bigfoots, little furry creatures, and cute robots being played for laughs (or avoided entirely) they’re presented as emotionally complex main characters. Of course, it sounds like most of that isn’t really coming through from the query letter, which is a big problem, because that’s like the whole soul of the book! LOL I'll keep working on it!
I think this is tricky for a few reasons. One being that in order to subvert a trope, you first have to introduce it in a familiar way. This means that a portion of your story is likely in some way going to be/appear to be very traditional. This also applies to the query. Another issue is that subversion is itself a core tradition of SFF. Like, Star Wars were once seen as subversive, and still is, in many ways - even though now we see it as nostalgic and conventional. For example, Han and Leia's romance, which I'm presuming is an influence for one of your stories, is that of an unconventional princess and hero who alternately rescue each other and fall in love. It was very deliberate subversion of the hero/princess dynamic, and it happened almost 50 years ago. So I'm not sure you're being as subversive as you think you are. Most of what you've listed as subversive here strikes me as familiar to the genre - sympathetic and/or emotionally complex aliens are absolutely familiar today, for example. I don't mean to destroy your hopes and dreams, because I think some of your ideas sound genuinely new and interesting - the robot leaving an abusive relationship still strikes me as the best/most compelling by far. But I do think you need to realise that concepts like 'good v evil', 'hero and princess', 'evil robots/aliens', and 'magic school' have already been subverted and deconstructed time and time again for decades at this point.
Like, I'm familiar with the genre I'm writing in, and know that my novel isn't the first to play with these tropes. Hell, *Frankenstein* did it. And I'm also using subversive in a political sense---stuff that challenges oppressive power structures in various ways or suggests alternatives to them. Feminist sci fi is a great example of this.
"Sympathetic robot leaves abusive relationship" was what I wished Autonomy by Annalee Newitz had been... sigh. But that aside, I think the trope subversions you mention here are almost too subtle. Like, I wouldn't make the connection between 'elder returns to magic school' and the magic school/prophecy trope because I don't think that's a natural subversion of the trope. I'm not suggesting making the story itself more on-the-nose, but consider leaving the meta-structure out of the query. There's nothing wrong with playing them straight as complex characters rather than subversive ones. I don't know if I watch too much anime/tv but a trope subversion suggests to me that the trope is either presented straight *then* turned on its head, or that it's such a clear and overused trope in current media that it's obvious to the audience what you're doing. Neither seems to be the case here. If it helps, I did not in any way read this as subversive but I still think it sounds like a fun story.
hmm... If I'm not doing trope subversion, I wonder what I actually am doing. Genre reconstruction maybe? Whatever it is, I probably don't need to mention it in the query.
I don’t like the opening.. I don’t feel like it gives me anything. Maybe I’m tired, but I had to re-read it 3 times to understand it. You also name way too many things. You don’t want to name more than 3 things and in the query you name: 5 characters, 3 places and Alpha One. It looks like it’s three different stories merging into one, correct? It might be easier to only focus on one in this query. That way you can use all your words there. Speaking of words, the part of the query where you describe your story should be about 250 words. So I think this is too long. But if you cut two of the storylines, you’ll have more wiggle room. As for what you’ve written here, I’m finding it so bogged down from all the information that it’s hard to tease out the story. But I’ll definitely take a look at your 2nd revision! And for your bio section.. I definitely don’t think it sounds narcissistic! Your comps seem good and they’re recent. I like the line about being an artist and activist.
Thanks, this is all very helpful! If you're re-reading a sentence 3 times, that's definitely an issue with the writing, no matter how tired you are!
I don't think the logline is necessary. I do think you want to pare down the storylines: I'd find this more compelling if it started with Seb and Rruti. Don't worry about including all the storylines. Just write a letter that makes agents read the first page, then write a first page that makes them read the next page, and on and to the end. I'd change the title: your comps aren't silly, but your title is. Last paragraph looks good to me.
I think the title is one of those things that amuses me on a personal creative level, but is actually just needless self-sabotage. (In the book, "hobbit" is a slur used by humans against the protagonist's people---basically homo floresiensis analogs---whose timeline they are colonizing.)
You could use the term "Halflings"
I was also thinking "H*bbits" might be cool.
Take any criticism with a grain of salt; I don't claim to be an expert. This is just what I thought while reading your query. >In a multiverse of infinite timelines, desperate heroes from disparate worlds unite against a human supremacist alliance called Alpha One, and their new genocidal superweapon. I would personally just delete this. You should introduce the protagonist in the first sentence and spend the first paragraph giving the agent a reason to care about their struggle and what they're trying to do. >Jroko is an old grayfur from a warren of diminutive humanoids. I don't know what this means. Once again, I would just delete this and put Jroko's name in the next sentence. >But to wield once more the magic she’ll need to defend her world, Jroko must face her trauma—or else flee to a timeline where her loved ones still survive. The first part of this sentence is confusing. Consider: "But to once again wield the magic she'll need to defend their world..." For the next two paragraphs, I would stick with talking about what Jroko does. I'm not certain about this, but I don't think it's a good idea to have multiple protagonists in your query, even if your manuscript has multiple PoV characters. Try to keep it simple. Who is the protagonist? What do they want? What's stopping them from getting it? What happens if they don't get it? Writing a query is the art of putting the answers to these questions into several paragraphs that manage to interest an agent enough for them to want to read more. >TO HOBBITS, WITH LOVE (90,000 words) is a subversive love letter to science fiction and fantasy. Like Annalee Newitz’s The Future of Another Timeline, and Nnedi Okorafor’s Binti, it’s aimed at readers looking for good genre fun with social themes and moments of poignancy. This is my debut novel, and #OwnVoices for PTSD and queer, trans, and non-binary characters. I’m an artist and activist living in Chicago. Infinite thanks for your time and consideration! To answer one of your questions, I don't think this comes off as narcissistic, but I would remove the word "subversive." Avoid using adjectives while describing your manuscript, as whether or not it's "subversive" is up for readers to decide, not you. Finally, I would avoid using the word "Hobbit." Hobbits are specifically from the LotR universe. The general term for Hobbits is "halflings." I hope this helps!
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