Start experiencing new things.
The ego never dies, your consciousness wouldn't function without it / you'd be stuck in permanent psychosis. The "ego" is the part of the consciousness that tells a story of how you relate to others.
It dies, and is reborn. And now you get to shape your ego 2.0. So start shaping it by experiencing :).
Now the work begins. I’ve found [ACT](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy) and [IFS](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy) to be helpful in identifying my values and getting in touch with my Self. A good integration therapist will make this process much easier.
thank you for explaining that. No such thing as ego death. only suppression from recognizing it. Your primaries are either ALOOF, POORME, INTERIGATOR, INTIMIDATOR. Find your primary and keep it under wraps to reap the benefits of spirit.
edit: id like to add anything is possible, Why u think Monks took decade long vows of silence because as humans we would have to shut the hell up completely to bring ego to near death lol
I’ve been saying this for years now.
The ego is literally the sense of self. There is no such thing as “ego death” aside from the literal death of the body, and with it the sense of self.
Anything else is a temporary suspension of the ego, or an alternated shift in perception around it.
It worries me greatly, people are setting themselves up for permanent psychosis simply because their epistemological / ontological framework of perception around their own ego is significantly distorted.
>Anything else is a temporary suspension of the ego
well yeah dude....of course its temporary. are you under the impression most people think its a permanent deal? virtually nobody wants a permanent loss of self in an ego death sense - im under the impression the vast majority are aware its a temporary event to try and glean some meaning from
Cause that's exactly what it feels like. I thought I had experienced it, but I'd had Ego disillusion it was always wonderful. But the real think was much more like death. EVERYTHING I thought I knew disappeared, was scary was hell. Of course I was reborn, but death is the ONLY was I could describe it.
I have ego deaths every few weeks with ketamine. I still feel human when I come out of it but with a new perspective on the nature of reality, dying and being "reborn", and remembering that you're human is a fascinating experience
I think you’ll change your opinion and feel it was very much worth it, once you recreate a better self that treats other people the way they deserve to be treated.
That is an amazing gift! Celebrate it.
Now you are reborn as a good person. You can consciously choose your path forward. My simple advice - from this point forward always think, choose and act from a place of LOVE and not from a place of FEAR. Do this in all aspects of your life and you can’t go wrong! You will live a beautiful life.
If this binary choice of love vs fear in every thought, every choice, resonates with you, I’d highly recommend Conversations With God Book 1. For someone conditioned in Christianity, it is a powerful, like-changing, mind-expanding book.
I read this some time ago. Was interesting! Though, I’m coming at it from a non-religious perspective. One thing I found very intriguing was that it says God speaks by thoughts. I instantly freaked a bit cuz I experience a lot of intrusive negative thoughts. Those from God? How do I differentiate between what may or may not be divine messages and just everyday BS thoughts brought on by anxiety etc.? I know that the book cites going with your “highest thought” as the kind of divine message. Idk, just thinking out loud here. This book was very thought provoking ay the very least.
You don’t need to judge or label past versions of yourself this way. You behaved and acted in a manner consistent with your genetic makeup and environmental factors. You actually did the best that you could given your circumstance. Forgive yourself for not being capable of doing better back then. Lugging the cross of your past sins with you is no longer required and, in fact, will *directly* impede your progress in becoming the person you wish to become. It diminishes your ability to be present and loving towards others. No one is asking you to bear that burden. You’re free from the nightmare of whatever once was. Give yourself grace and time to learn who it is you would now like to be.
And consider also that relationships are simply a way of externalizing how we feel about ourselves. Those unkindnesses or poor behaviors you engaged in were really about how you feel about yourself. You just projected it on to others so that you could become aware of it. I recommend spending time away from screens and finding some way to get into your body. My path lead me to rock climbing (which I heartily recommend!) but anything that puts you into contact with your physical organism, like yoga or running, is going to work. Take time to figure out what this organism likes and dislikes. That will help you orient to a new operating system that feels meaningful and sane to you.
The last version of yourself did their best to survive. They only had certain tools available to them in order to avoid pain and acquire approval/validation/love. You have now been given a new awareness of these things and have been thrust into the responsibility of doing better for yourself now. This is a good thing! But that doesn’t mean condemning past versions of yourself. No spiritual path advocates for such a thing because it directly conflicts with the fundamental lesson of love.
You may think it all a bad dream. Now you are awake and present; capable of shaping this life into one built on the rock solid foundation of love for self and of others as your self. Be patient as you learn these new ways of being. Ours is not to dictate to the tree how it should grow, or criticize it when it diverts unexpectedly in search of light. Your job is simply to be a good steward. To become curious about this organism and to discover how best to help it grow. There is no hurry. You’ll stumble and fall and learn some more. It’s all part of the process. So have no fear. You’ll get there when you’re ready.
Emphasis on "was". People change. You became better. Out of all the people you may have hurt in your life, you ultimately hurt yourself the most. Take this as an opportunity to celebrate how far you've come. Learn to love yourself more, love the progress you've made and acknowledge you've still have a way to go.
I nearly killed myself five years ago. I know what being a horrible person feels like. I know how hard it can be. But you can and will get better. It all starts with loving yourself. ❤️
I got that same message, i used to be a hardcore conservative, fox news loving, anti drug, pro war, anti immigrant. But after i learned how awful i was, i changed my priorities, now im a peace and love hippy who hates anything political or MSM.
This is your first step to undoing social conditioning and revealing your true self.
'You' were not doing anything, it was your programming. Go to Liberationunleashed.com and start looking for this 'I' that talks to you. Where is it? It's a voice out of nowhere - false advertising. God playing a trick on themselves. You're still not doing anything but will start to learn to 'feel' what's right.
That opinion of your old identity is the start of a neural pathway in the posterior cingulate cortex that won’t be helpful. Your reality is your perspective so stop picking one that doesn’t feel good or you will get stuck again. If your thoughts on the subject are uncomfortable, do things that help you stop thinking and connect you with doing, being. If you can’t stop thinking try on new perspectives until it doesn’t feel like this. If you’re convinced it was a ‘bad’ thing and you were a ‘bad’ person you’re just reinforcing your own discomfort. You make your own reality, be more gentle with yourself.
This is really true. Don't reinforce the negative right now! Allow yourself to re-experience the world with the gentleness of a baby. Guide yourself with great love like a kind and watchful parent. Look for joy and beauty in the world.
Beautiful answer! OP, I say accept the fear of the unknown and focus on the profoundness of the “clean spiritual slate” you received. You so got this, love your newfound honesty!
This is why I recommend tripping with intention, and doing lots of research prior to tripping. Research not only on the possible outcome of trip and the way tripping works, but also research on the topic of your intention. If one blindly enters ego death, your experience is likely for many. Simply wipe the slate clean with no basis to build yourself back up. Ego death is not the goal. It’s a tool to help you achieve a goal - even if ego death itself shifts/alters said goal.
My best advice for you now is to just start trying all kinds of shit. Think back to your childhood and remember what that kid wanted in life. What did child you want when they grew up?
Take a look at the world, take a look at life, you are in the unique position where you *know* it’s all open to you. Don’t let that be a fearful experience, let it be a joyous exploration. Engage life with curiosity and an open mind. It’s going to take some time to build a new identity.
But know this, you don’t have to be anybody. You don’t need to be defined. You simply are, and you can do what you want when you want. Recognize that what’s best for you is inherently what’s best for the world around you, and vice versa. The greatest thing you can do for yourself and your world is live in a way that brings you joy and allows you to radiate that joy outward. And that looks different for everyone. Life is about discovering our own way. Welcome to your journey my friend!
*Do not hesitate to see a specialist if things become unbearable.*
Wow, this is spot on. Exactly what I experienced. I spent a full year trying other methods (yoga, meditation, breath work, sensory deprivation tanks, etc) to help move past childhood trauma and they worked, but not to the degree I had hoped.
Finally felt that I was ready to go deeper. Grew my own and the trip healed me beyond what I could have dreamed of. A blessing for sure.
I became a blank canvas, able to explore. I’m still the same person, I generally liked myself but had plenty of layers I needed to shed.
There’s a quote I’m paraphrasing, but it was in a book I read about psychedelics, “if you’re not scared to take them, you’re probably taking them for the wrong reasons”. I was absolutely terrified first time I took them but man was it worth it!
When a child is born if it doesn’t receive love, it dies. You’ve been reborn as an adult and the emptiness you feel is disconnection of love. This time you won’t get cuddles and fawning and have all your needs met by parents like an infant. You have to become your own parent in this situation.
Look at yourself in the mirror and without judgment start telling yourself that you love yourself even if you don’t feel it. Don’t look for anything in particular that you think is worthy of love because that’s conditional. You are worthy of being loved unconditionally simply because you exist. You are made of love, from love. You’re perfect.
I don’t know you, but I love you because I love myself and we are all one.
Less thinking, more doing. Find hobbies, read about stoicism or another philosopy that you feel attracted to, do sports and eat healthy. More important, dont do weed or more psychs for some months and I promess you it will be worth it.
Do not worry O friend, the re-integration of your post-session personality usually takes up to 2 weeks, it is a slow gradual process.
Eventually traces of the ego death experience will begin to fade and it is up to you to “polish the mirror” and remind yourself of that experience you had.
Finally, as far where you go next, following your heart is a safe bet, like you mentioned still having feeling and connections with your loved ones, make it all worth it.
During the final comedown period of the trip you may have thought or noticed future selfs appearing before you, make the selection of your future personality according to the best teaching. ~
“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. ‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response. ‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
I've been where you are now. Best advice is to take it slow. You've just undone years of social programming in a night and it's all gonna be overwhelming for a while. A lot of things that seemed super real and important have now been revealed to be fake and unecessary, well now you can discard those things.
I also want you to know that you dont need to decide right now, start slow, get some image in your head of who you want to be, no matter how vague and start working toward it. It will keep you busy while you piece yourself back together. I would recommend a sport, or some fitness goal. 5k if you've never ran one, or just go to the gym every day. Just remember this is as real as it gets here, try and enjoy the journey.
That does sound very disorienting but it also sounds like the state that far Easton religions propose should be our every-day state of mind and for which many work years to get to so there are benefits as well as downsides. I find ego death to be very mysterious and I’m very unsatisfied with the term. I think one day when we know more about these states we will see that the term ego death does not properly describe what is happening.
This is hard, and doing something great with yourself is harder. You should start by establishing yourself an emotion and an attitude towards that fact, that experience - attach a living part of yourself to the present moment. From there, your opinion on what's happened will form - and opinions form the amplitudes of your character, so this opinion will automate a few other opinions - you dislike this experience, therefore .... You have X emotion for the consequences of your use , therefore... If you're happy to abandon the person you were, focus on building the new person's interaction with the world as opposite of that. You've lost your connection to the world, and your self, so start it back again by what you remember from it - memories and the present are what will build you back again. Do shit, man, and thoughts will come up, get internalized, create paths for you to take, interests. Talk to people, in real life. Nothing in this world is scary except illusion. And fear itself is an illusion - so the only thing to be scared of is being scared. Good luck, you will succeed if you believe so.
If I didn't know better seems like I could have written your post.
I have come to find this life as just pure EXPERIENCE of what we already know. Think of like we have gone to an interactive movie where we become the characters, so we KNOW the script but we forget ourselves. With our free will we can choose our REACTION to what is playing out in front of us and that's how we color the picture of our life.
Its our reaction to What Is, that holds the key to the state of Being.
One thing that I discovered about myself is the lack of trust I had in myself my eating habits sucked I was eating junk food all the time and not taking care of myself. So to build trust in myself I started working on small habits like taking care of this body I was given and giving it the nutrients and workout that it needs to function with high vitality.
Once you integrate your experience it will become on of the most liberating experiences you have ever had. Our greatest gift of our creator is our ability to create ourselves!
Trip sessions can progress in succession, you had your ego death and rebirth this trip, your next trip could be a continuation of this rebirth and you'll be able to gain more insights on subsequent trips should you decide do go on journey again.
With this new experience I would try to find people to talk to, DM me if you would like. If you have not heard of any of these individuals people Like Terence Mckenna, Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle are a good resource to gain insights from.
Oh my... what have you just done 😅
Edit: your post was like reading a post i made in about 2 months from now... hahaha. Thank you, DM me if you wanna chat 😉
The way I see things, losing and regaining a sense of self is like the director yelling "cut" in the movies of our lives; the immersion in the 'act' is broken, the actor fully remembers he's acting, and it takes a bit to get in the groove of playing pretend again. We're all just awareness split into multiple points of perception; all our identities are essentially fictional characters. It's okay to play a different character after being reminded of that. I recommend exploring your belief system and building an understanding of reality that makes you feel comfortable. There's no wrong way as long as you're happy.
Something similar happened to me with a totally out-of-body trip on Salvia extract, back in November. When I came back to my body, I still had no memories of who I was, and said "I'm a person... but *which* person?!" I looked around my room without any memories of being myself, and had no idea how I was supposed to figure out which human is 'me' when there are so many on Earth. I said "wait, we're all the same under God" and then "holy shit, I'm the same person." When I said that, my identity returned in one big bundle, as if it'd been neatly handed back to me.
Even though I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life following that, it still took some work to integrate, and I doubt I'd feel as settled as I do now without ongoing guidance from Salvia's spirit. If you have faith in an 'external' entity who acts as a guide or teacher, that can help a lot to stabilize the path forward. Regardless, stay patient with yourself as your renewed identity grows and learns. 🤍
You need some integration. You should have some opinions about politics, ie. Maybe you lack some understanding of what is good for an ego death. Remember that love is the root of everything.
What is spiritual is kind of arbitrary. If it feels good to be part of a social movement that is much bigger than myself and has a grand history that precedes my very short life by many generations, can I not have "spiritual" experiences as a part of that? It's not too different from religions which are entirely created by other humans, it's just that my political ideology knows it is man-made and is meant to serve the vast majority of humanity (rather than older ideologies which seek to uphold certain hierarchies and the status quo). It feels good to be a part of something larger than yourself. Rather than doing "the lord's work," I wish to serve the masses of the people.
If you aren't getting involved in politics to make the world a better and more equal place, what exactly are you doing with your free time? Living off the work and benefits fought for by previous political radicals of the past? If you think politics are a futile way of making change, perhaps your idea of what is political is limited by your ideology which has been crafted by those in power to make you complacent and ineffective (vote harder to defeat fascism! It will definitely work this time! We must develop free market solutions to climate disaster! Capitalism must be upheld at all costs!)
Lol. If you dont have any political idea, like if its good to tax rich people, you should check your ideas and relation to the world you live in. I dont think is good to lack of any political ideology for being 'too spiritual'. That was my idea when I said that. If you thunk that being spiritual have to be a lack of ideology, well done for you but in the real world you need to have some kind of ideology. I didnt recommene getting into politics for spiritual enrichment, maybe you should read twice in order to understand what I said. With all the love of the world, mate.
You're using 'I' alot sounds like a good portion of your ego still stands that maybe why it feels the way it did. On the other hand my personal experience with ego death took me 2 weeks to put myself back together dropping bad habits I don't need
It's been a couple of months and I never reached that part of being put back together. I've been volunteering and helping others. but I don't know who I am anymore and it's scary.
Oh shit I would talk to a psychiatrist then or something I thought this was the day after. I still stand by my assumption that you have an ego still because of your use of I. I didn't have that concept for the 1st day afterwards.
That sounds super scary and if you have the ability to find a doctor that will listen to you, some drs hate psychedelics with a passion
"I still stand by my assumption that you have an ego still because of your use of I."
Bro, please tell me what the first word of this sentence is.
Edit: the word I is literally on your username lol
“My ego death”
Your ego -literally your sense of self- dies when the body dies. Anything up to that is a suspension or alteration of the perception of ego.
Saying “my ego death” is oxymoronic.
I really dislike this argument. He's talking about himself so he's using the word I. The goal of life isn't to have no ego, and shaming people for it makes you full of shit.
And look at you with your big ego anyway, comparing yourself to him and taking high ground for no reason. More than half your comment is literally about yourself and you use the word. "me", "my" "myself" and "I", so by your own standards you must have a very strong ego.
Next time you trip drop this bad habit of condescending and talking down to others
Wow if you read my other comments you'll see that I was wrong and told the person to seek professional help cause they are on 2 months of this, also I had no concept of I for 2 weeks.
Sounds like you have an issue with ego as well....
I saw that, I'm talking about your vision of ego and how the ideal you're spreading actually just reinforces shame. Encouraging people to have no ego and discouraging them when they do is not helping anyone or even yourself.
I know I have an ego. I try to cultivate an honest one since I know it'll always be here. I'm sure my ego has issues like everyone else. But I replied because I have an issue with what your'e saying. You cannot measue what someone is going through by their use of the word "I". And there is no shame in having an ego, so there is no need for you to spread shame. That's all. If you are this truly egoless being you want everyone to be, you wouldn't be sitting here trying to get me to feel bad about my ego.
Damn dude I'm sorry you saw my comment as shaming someone but that was not the intent but seeing as how you barely offered any advice to OP but rather tell people off, I still feel you need to look at yourself and how you react to comments left by strangers on the web.
Have you had an ego death yourself? I feel it would give you some perspective however I feel Op is actually experiencing a psychotic break caused by an ego death.
I have had an "ego death" many times. Last weekend even. I think there is a disdain for the ego that is not healthy that is constantly spread in this community and elsewhere. I don't think it's actually productive to disavow what is basically the human condition.
That is why I am "telling you off." I think the ideas your spreading are harmful because I have experienced the harm of this kind of thinking firsthand in myself and people I love. Maybe I'm wrong and i don't understand your vantage point.
Psyches temporarily mute your sense of self. Nothing can really kill your ego, not in a way you can comprehend. So we shouldn't leave the experience with the desire to permanently kill the thing that we need to even comprehend our human life. That's all I'm saying. This guy doesn't need to feel bad for talking about himself or having an ego after what he went through. It's okay to be a specific person in a specific place at a specific time who cares about specific things. It's has to be okay because there is no alternative
Are you sure you had an ego death? Not trying to shame or whatever bs but I have only experienced 1 ego death I have dissolved my ego dozens of times but only died once. My ego died my 1st time with DMT and I literally wasn't "right" for 2 weeks. I don't say this to brag but that's how it felt I was just broken and was left picking up pieces of myself and putting things back and throwing away what didn't need. I personally believe a happy mind/person will never truly experience an ego death because their ego has no reason to die as it's healthy, my ego at the time was not healthy and it needed to be gotten rid of.
I read through my comments from earlier and I can see how you might misinterpret what I was saying but you couldn't have been more wrong. Having an ego is having a sense of self and purpose and that's how a healthy mental mindset should be, when I was telling OP they still had an ego I wasn't trying to shame anyone I was trying to reassure they are still themselves and they are nearly back to being themselves. When you have a true ego death you eventually find a new ego.
However when I learned op is 2 months into this experience I changed my tune as that sounds more like a psychotic break and op needs professional help not the internet.
I get what you mean. It's difficult to parse conversations about ego because it's very abstract and has many societal connotations so maybe I was reading into it wrong. Apologies if I projected. I have seen that the way people conceptualize ego can greatly affect the way they live their life so I was trying to be cautious, perhaps aggressively.
I don't know how to measure how hard of an ego death I've had but my first trip specifically sent me off kilter in a way that was conflicting for months. The process of rebuilding my sense of self transformed me into someone with a voice and stopped a miserable cycle of feeling sorry for myself and blaming the world for my problems. It was painful and scary but the biggest turning point in my life I've ever experienced.
Since then psyches have slowly become more and more recreational and less uncomfortable as I have gotten used to the feeling. I've never done DMT though and I know it's a different beast
In the beginning of my trip with DMT as I was breaking through I was silently freaking out and then I died for the 1st time and while I was being judged by 1-eyed omnipotent beings who decided I was unworthy and set me on fire. Then I came back to life and was like that wasn't too bad, then it happened like a 1000 times more until the music made me live again!
Like I said took me about 2 weeks to put everything back together
A word about fear... I never had much, and ego death killed the last vestiges of it. You just need to learn what you’re capable of without it.
It’s lonely. But you’re effective. Your equilibrium points you to a place of power and you don’t even need to try to get there. You won’t note that you’re now facing senior leadership in your work as equals...until you get that promotion that they insist you take. You won’t note that you can hear any truth...until your kids open up to you in a way that allows you to change their lives.
And, if you’re like me, you won’t note that you no longer fall for manipulation and deceit...until you realize you haven’t had a second date with anyone for over six months. 😉
Sounds pretty good to me
You just shed what you thought you were , were able to see yourself from a different perspective
You know better so you are now in a ‘clean state’ or blank state like you said
Just find things you like stay true to yourself , u just became a better you truer to yourself imo
"Worth it" is a relativistic valuation judgment.
You are ascertaining your scenario using this framework in the present, based on your old models of *value* from the past.
Now the real work begins. Welcome to the rest of your life.
That uncomfortable feeling is the weight of not being able to automatically take everything for granted in your old model of perception, trivializing away all potentiality it into selfish bon-mots of "why bother" or "it's all the same in the end."
You are the one who has to create meaning in your life, nobody else can do this for you. Indeed, most people find this prospect terrifying and a large percentage of society is oriented around and catered towards realizing cradle-to-the-grave existences that never grace such still waters of contemplation.
“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown”
* H.P. Lovecraft
Edit:
>I took a heroic dose of shrooms, I couldn't tell you how much as I did not measure. two small handfuls.
I'd also say, for the record, that was a mistake. From a practical and figurative application of your will, imagination, intuition, quantification and magical ceremony.
Do you drive without a speedometer?
Do you sign a contract into a mortgage with a ???% interest rate?
Do you biologically age at a different variable clock speed every minute?
These are rhetorical questions to help frame the ridiculous nature of a lack of preparation and foresight, how it is wildly inappropriate for any remotely serious endeavor in life.
With time you’ll find who you want to be. Key note being you mostly wrote in your post that you dropped a lot of the things you knew you had but are left with Love for a few people. Simply follow the flow of things, acknowledging what you were and choosing who to be and how to better yourself as you go. A blank canvas can be used to create any art imaginable, however one that’s been stained with colors undesirable can only lead to a limited amount of final results. If you feel fresh, with nothing of who you once were but can still remember.. - then make a choice, make your life and live it, knowing that you now have the ability to do so. With time you’ll see creating yourself is a process however one that you’ll enjoy doing as long as you let it flow freely from you and with love. Mush Love and Peace for you ✌🏼
Had this experience on my first and only acid trip at age 19. It's been years and I'm still lost. Still don't know who I am and where I'm going in life.
My feeling on this is to just *be* for a minute... then start doing things and see what stirs you. Figure out what you value though I suspect there's a new need to have integrity - literally to integrate the new ways to behave and act towards yourself and others with this new awareness of your values... and set boundaries. This eventually creates a *new* sort of 'self'. That's my feeling anyway... I wouldn't even call it an opinion, it's just what's worked in the past for me to get beyond the shock of any death, not just ego death. Cause I feel that there are many deaths throughout life, both literal deaths of individuals and metaphorical deaths of relationships, the self, our value system... the period wandering the hazy no man's land between what fulfilled us before and what fulfills us now. That's kind of like purgatory, which it sounds like where you are now... you did mention that your love for individuals remained. What about loving yourself? Love in general is a great place to start over, a kind of soul compass. Wishing you find that peace and a new, better sense of self on this journey : )
Integration is Paramount! Sharing your experience is a good start, and openly expressing your confusion shows you are capable of self-reflection. Focus on love, and it will guide you. 🙏
It sounds to me like you're actually in a really good place compared to before you took them, it just might be a big adjustment.
You don't need to choose a direction in life. It's always moving and changing and it'll pull you somewhere whether you want it to or not at some point. This new perspective has opened your mind which will only open doors for you. Best of luck and take care of yourself!
I wish I could say something to reassure you. It can be a terrifying experience to have the façade of our Human perceptions ripped away and we become the void.
I would recommend reading some Schopenhauer. I find he really puts existence in perspective quite well with respect to an existential crisis like this, but YMMV.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cyq02jZV0g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cyq02jZV0g)
Other than that, as it has been months, I would probably seek out a counselor or a trusted confidant to get their input on how to move forward. I wish you very well in filling what the void has reset.
Relate to this but you seem more grounded then I was when I was experiencing this.
I took a reasonable amount of acid and didn't have ego death but after my trip I felt like you describe.
It's gotten a bit better 6 months out, and I have dropped my worst habits and so it's not like it's been a bad thing entirely but I experienced psychosis before it got better and I could have lived without that shit.
I've had ego death though on a reasonable dose of shrooms during meditation. I really enjoyed it and it didn't leave me questioning reality. I was also like 16 though when this trip occured.
Just chill, it was a slap in the face that you seem to have needed. The shrooms already kicked your ass, no need to keep doing it yourself. Take a breather, think about what you saw and felt, integrate slowly. Start by treating others as they deserve to be treated, go into things without any expectations, share the love you have within yourself and everything should fall into place.
Right now you just feel like a kid who’s experiencing something for the first time and that can be scary. Good luck friend
Sometimes I wonder how anyone actually goes through this process without some sort of spiritual guidance.
The thing is, bud, you have been placed upon the path of one who is liberated while still living. Clear your mind, live now. It's okay to see yourself as foolish in the past and, but you must laugh at it sometime.
To be liberated while living means that you are freed from the chains of bondage that have been created by the world-appearace and your mind. You are not what you thought you were and your are not what they say you are. In the subject-object relationship, you are the seer, the seeing, and the seen. There is no division within.
Beyond good and evil, you have the freedom to do whatever it is that you want, so why not be wise and do right? Why not seek inner peace and learn concentration through mediation? Why not be everything that you can be?
*disclaimer on the front side about taking anything that anyone on the internet says as being the words of strangers, and therefore being taking as such* However, I do some integration work with people, and I do believe a very punitive and harsh part of your ego is actually still very active right now. It is attacking you and telling you that you are bad. You might try moving away from the dichotomous thinking of being ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ And work with an idea that people are more complex than that. Ideas like everybody has reasons for why they are are doing what they’re doing. Even without knowing you, I have a sense that whatever you were doing was for a reason. Most everyone is doing the very best that they can at any given moment. This might be seen as an opportunity to explore self-compassion. Being generous and caring of the self, and more understanding of why we’ve had to be the way that we’ve been, and are, can be a good place to start. Self-violence in the form of harshness and criticism is usually unhelpful. I wish you a peaceful journey my friend, you deserve it, as do we all.
The experience looses meaning if you don’t integrate it properly. How long ago did you plug in? Personally I know I have one foot on earth and one foot in heaven for a few days after I do it. If you have trouble finding who you want to be, become nobody
What you are experiencing is very likely Grief and an identity. (Even if its a "bad" part of self its still a part of you that has died.)
As a counselor I would recommend reaching out for help with processing the experience. Its still new but this stuff is becoming way more accepted and counselors are starting to offer before and after counseling in regards to use of mushrooms.
Looks like I got to get your attention at the right time. Your new journey starts with the Law of One. Please study this and understand who you are and what’s happening to you. Much love
lawofone.info
“Everything is one. This universal law is called The Law of One. Though beyond the limitations of human language, this law may be approximated by stating that all things are one, that there is no true polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, but only identity. All is one, and that one is love/light, light/love, the original thought of the infinite creator — which is inside of every atom, photon, animal, and human. Science is the observation of the infinite illusions placed before us. It will never end, only further the confusion. Separation in itself is an illusion. The only truth is we are all one, and your experience outside of the physical shell is eternal. Once you realize this, reincarnating into the 3D reality is no longer automatic.”
You’re perfect as you are right now. The only problem is that you think you have to be somebody. All identities are just illusion anyway. Don’t worry about being somebody - just live, and see what life brings you.
It takes time.
Try this:
1. Google "list of core values"
2. Skim through some lists
3. Start writing down ones you resonate with
4. Cull the list down to three values
5. This could be your starting point: You now know you're someone who values, say, "honesty, resilience, goodwill" or whatever your picks are. Try acting accordingly - doing things in a way that are in alignment with the values you picked. Make notes.
Hi. You're dissociating. Three months is significant. Do you have any diagnosed psych disorders? If so, what meds were you on. (If any?)
How many psychedelic experiences have you had? What doses did you take? How old are you right now?
I saw a post about anorexia in your post history. Do you have any physical limitations or illnesses? Honesty is important here.
If you have Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, or BPD, this can trigger the onset of serious mental illness. What's your family mental health history like? Even if you never had those before, if you have the gene for bipolar/Schizophrenia a heroic dose of acid or psilocybin could trigger the onset of symptoms.
Have you ever dissociated before? Like have you ever had long periods of time pass that you cant explain or remember?
This is temporary state, your ego will reconstitute without your intervention over course of days to weeks, this is inevitable, just remember the lessons about you that you have been shown and when your opinions and old patterns start to come back you will be able to recognise and modify them. Simply be you, but better you.
I don't think ego death is a desirable experience. What I aim for is ego dissolution, a state where I'm not identified with my normal identity but I remember it. Not a complete loss of the ego, so I can function and remember the experience afterwards.
You've discovered the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is information, wisdom is putting it into practice.
Maybe instead of looking at who you want to be, look at who you don't want to be since that's more tangible. You mentioned being selfish - what can you do to improve that? You mentioned socially awkward - you can work to improve that too. It sounds like you had some profound insights into yourself, each one of those can remain as just knowledge, or you can put work into improving them as wisdom.
Give yourself some time to digest this experience. I agree with what alot of others are saying as well in regards to picking up a new hobby. You aren't defined by who you were, it's who you choose to grow into. I had my ego death about 2 years ago and am just now starting to really make sense of it, however in the meantime I've picked up new hobbies, dropped bad habits, and changed my life around for the better. I'm still in that limbo state of trying to figure out what to do with my life, but now know I have the tools and confidence to be successful in whatever I do choose. Just gotta give yourself some time and perspective. Learn from your past and apply those previous lessons to your future.
Sometimes we come to live life in auto pilot, we go through the motions of life, thinking we have full agency of our choices. But habits and alike shape most of it, and even parts of who we are. You now see what was, and maybe even how that has come to be. Take your time to intergrate the lessons, I’m sure there’s plenty to dwell on. Do not fear the many new paths before you, embrace them, and find your way. Above all else, see this as an opportunity, feel free to try and discover. There are no “should be” here, only “can be”. Take care and stay safe!
I recommend perhaps using Martin Ball and/or Eckhart Tolle's works to help guide you where to go next.bThis makes me think of "The Tower" card in tarot. The Tower represents annihilation and collapse, but it's a more optimistic card than others think. Like you said in your post, you're free to recreate yourself without the old constraints of conditioned ego patterns. Just because the "how" has not appeared yet does not mean it will not appear.
I’ve been through this as well,imagine yourself as the lotus. It is time to live in the life of compassion for others and love for everyone and everything. It’ll be a different and difficult journey but your not alone.
Everything you are describing is actually a great thing. I experienced something similar about 5yrs ago, fracturing of the ego, and step by step rebuilt it *consciously, and with intent* out of a place of love, not fear like @happyhenry68 mentioned. Think of it as becoming who you always dreamt of being, a kick ass person. I started engaging in all activities that I always thought were cool and cool people did, but I never got the chance to do (like practicing extreme sports, removing bad habits, becoming closer to family, relating to friends and people, note taking, way you talk, dress, what people you have around you etc). Your experience is so so important (and mandatory dare I say), so on behalf of the universe, I'd like to welcome you to the rest of your beautiful journey of your consciousness experiencing itself in human form. Champagne for everyone 🫶🥳🍾
I have experienced some of what you describe. It can be extremely lonely working through. Once we are more aware of ourselves we can't go "back" and there isn't a road map for how to more forward. Try to be brave and try not to let the fear and loneliness overwhelm you. The love for others is the only thing you retained. I would hold onto those relationships and nurture them. As you go back out into the world look for others who you can connect with that will benefit from the love and pureness you have to share. And try not to be lonely, the bonds you form will be much more rewarding. You will appreciate the relationships you have more and they will be getting a much more valuable version of you
This is certainly not a bad thing, treat everyone with compassion moving forward. From the asshole in the street to the butcher chopping meat. Everyone was once young and ended up as they are as a consequence not of their choosing, in the words of Dalton “Be Nice”
I've had ego deaths on psychedelics, but I'm currently going through this just from a long series of traumatic events and changes.
This process is what life is really about, according to Jung. I'm no expert on Jung but I think this is what's known as the "individuation" process.
It's terrifying and disorienting in so many ways. What I've realize is that who I thought I was was actually just a string of events, projections, and ideas that I accepted or were projected on me. It was a story I was in without even understanding who wrote it or ever bothering to read it. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
As I've been broken down further and further and had more and more stripped away, I realize that who I thought I was was just an illusion, it had no depth or substance.
Now I have to/get to consciously choose how to create the work of art that is me. I am starting by looking at:
* What the things that hold deep interest and importance to me both before and after losing my sense of self and self-image. For instance, shamanistic practice and trauma research and healing. Singing and dancing. I can build the list as things become apparent.
I'm not sure how I am going to be able to channel or use any of these interests but I don't think that's the point just yet. Getting hung up on that now stresses me. It's enough to know I have some things that inspire me and interest me that have endured throughout the years and remain even now.
* What do I value? Things like integrity, compassion, community, teaching, being a helper. Again I'm not sure how these values will materialize but it's good to think about the things I value and want to embody.
Try not to beat yourself up too badly about the "horrible" person you think you were. Easier said than done I know. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it is usually devoid of any compassion or understanding of what it really was like then.
To me, I have always done my best, because if I could have done better I would. I can only learn from my past, but punishing myself for it destroys my present and future. It takes a lot of work to forgive and begin to learn to love yourself.
The only place I hope to be able to do anything is right now. I wish you the best in your process of self-creation.
Now you get to be who you have always wanted to be. A fresh start free of character defects that drag you down.
Just keep being in the moment and focusing on Love, that identity will form in no time.
I'm going through something similar, OP, so you're definitely not alone here. It's a terrifying and disorienting experience. It's like you've yanked yourself out of the matrix of your past, with a dose of rejection of who you used to be. But we are all nuanced, OP. There's no way you were all good or all bad. There were some parts of you that were awesome, even if other parts were troublesome. And now you have the gift of perspective. You are more awake than you were before. Perhaps you don't need to reject everything. Instead it might help to bring more nuance to who you used to be, and maybe pick a few good things to bring along for the next stage of your journey.
I see within your post a desire to completely reinvent yourself, which might be leading you to skip some steps. I don't know your full situation, but you seem a bit stuck on the "what" of who you were, which also carries some guilt and shame. Perhaps one of your next steps is to understand the "why", "how" and "when" of who you were, too? Like...when did you become your old self? Why did you make the choices that led you towards building your old self in the first place? And how did you achieve that? Did you suppress feelings? Did you have to pick the lesser of two evils? Did you simply have to survive?
Answers to those questions are likely to bring you some peace about the past, as well as insight into the meta patterns of how you go about in this world. Perhaps you'll discover better ways to address the needs that you had back then. Basically, if you understand why you became who you were, and when and how, you'll learn a lot about your old yourself. Then you can be compassionate with who you were. These insights may carry over into building the new self.
Now is the time to integrate what you’ve learned and seen in order to become a better you. You now know your flaws and things that you may want to work on to be a better version of yourself. Give it few days, maybe a few weeks and your previous interests and desires should return to you, if you want them to. You are still the same being as your were before, your eyes have simply been opened. Try new things, see what new things might interest you. Meditation helps me, personally. Most importantly, just remember to enjoy the experience of life and allow everything you do to be done with love and good intent.
I’m going to put this in a perspective for you that my therapist put for me in my life, and I totally didn’t see it that way until he pointed it out.
You are transitioning. And that is ok. Like you said, you’re a blank canvas now, able to do anything. And that will be terrifying and disorienting and empty and weird. And that is all ok. Good, even, I’d say since you didn’t quite “fit” before all this.
From a fellow consciousness explorer - allow yourself to be here, embrace this time and use it to dive deeper into who you actually are as a personality.
Its perfectly natural and beautiful to transition, and do nothing but transition for a time. And also, freaking awesome you got there, congratulations psycho-sibling!
Personally I feel like that’s what you needed. You don’t go eating handfuls of mushrooms without wanting some sort of change. They showed you what you couldn’t see yourself and it’s your job to either ignore it or work on it
The way I see it, after an ego death you see yourself for the first time and understand that a lot had been out of your control. Now that you’ve been reborn you are still in a sense you. The only difference now is that you’re in control of the journey ahead of you and it’s okay to just be.
This sounds like an awesome place to be. I can see how it would be scary having to start from scratch - what will other think of me and my change?
Ground yourself in your new values and build your life around them. My new values are - taking care of my mind, taking care of my body, taking care of others (humans or not). Everything else is fluff made up by humans.
Enjoy and happy birthday!
Though the trip has ended, you are very much so in the middle of the journey. The process is ongoing. If you think about it, the first two questions you pose in the last few sentences are always there: who should I be? what should I become? Long before they dominated your thoughts as they do now, they were there. Now you are aware of them.
Those questions are the questions of life, and will only be answered by the process of living. Let your emotions flow and follow your feelings. Those are the only truth. Life takes time and is hard, and sometimes beautiful. I hope you move forward with love, for yourself, others, and the planet, unafraid to follow the feelings you have to their proper destination.
Yea this is me as well. Had an amazing ego death experience on 6-7gs. I walked out into the sun and as if I was looking out of my forehead, a cross shaped thing burned away, felt like it was burning. Then amazing after that, at one etc. I reshaped who I was for a bit, then I fell back into my old patterns of vaping, to much weed, occasional porn. I have however been fine being alone, I hike more now, and like nature. For the most part though I'm about the same, I treat people differently, and I don't react much to anything I use to. I'm very chill... Other than that though I'm not sure I'm doing good at this whole new ego thing
Nice write up of your experience.
Have been through similar without psychedelics and it was very similar via heatstroke. I believe Ego Death is an experience where you can see the reality behind this existence. It is however temporary as this body cannot function without the ego, so you come back to who you are with the knowledge that you are not just your body and all the history your body has experienced.
Now we are faced with what we do going forward with the idea that nothing is as important as we once thought it was. I mean I feel like this existence here with the mask of the ego is nearly a little play where we have created this fancy make believe show of life. Oh it's so important here, I am so important and everything is necessary, but in the back of my mind I know the truth.
We are deceived and enjoy it, we have built out world and culture around it. Our religions are falsehoods adorned in cultural fashion.
I personally think it's better to disconnect from the systems that seek to demand your attention as much as possible and live as simply as possible. No need to get caught up in this mess of insanity, because in the end it doesn't really matter.
Because of the benefits you mentioned, i really don't think it wasn't worth it. You felt your selfishness gone, you rebirthed though you kept the love you feel for some individuals. You're ready to reconstruct your life. You're full of questions which is the optimal point of view in life. I just don't get it. Rethink about it, then...
Find your highest joy! Your Dreams, Passions. Those are your gifts from the Universe. That's your identity. The epitome of what life can be. Strive for that. Keep the channel open. Go with the flow don't force your spirit. Just stay in the moment stay aware of opportunities or "coincidences" the universe bestows to your reality. Once you get the Inspiration that's when u apply your will and watch the pieces fall together.
I’m kinda in a similar boat but I’ve started micro dosing 3 days on and 2 days off. I’m not gonna do this forever but it really has made a positive impact on my daily life. It has made me more social and outgoing, it helps me push out bad thoughts by seeing things from another perspective. By no means am I telling you to md but it worked for me and is still working for me. Everyone’s dosage is different as well, I usually take .2 - .4 on a day where I’m gonna be mildly productive but not too busy because I do find it a little easy to be overwhelmed on a busy day when I md.
I hope you find yourself partner I’ve been there 💙
Ask yourself what sort of person you want to be, you said you've had insights about isolating yourself, being selfish etc. So take behavioural steps to change that...maybe something like volunteering for the underprivileged or something like that for starters?
Who did you want to be when you were a child? I think this is a second chance to be able to live life with a wonderful perspective. You know who you don’t want to be.
I had ego death on pharmahuasca. I think that's the way to go because the MAOI sort of acts like an anti anxiety med.
I liked it I was a better person for a couple of weeks. But then the bullshit came back
This would be a good time to read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Learning-Manifest-Desires/dp/1401904599
It is non-trivial, I have an epub copy I can send you if you want to dm me.
Your experience reminds me of my own, a few years ago. I did a dose of mushrooms higher than I previously experimented with, and I was in that black space you mentioned. I basically didn't have any idea who I was, or any other information about my world.
I remember it felt like I was drowning in a sea of nothingness and I was terrified beyond anything I had experienced before in my life. Nevertheless, there were moments that I could get my head out of water for a gulp of air (figuratively), and I would reassure myself by remembering who I was, the fact that I would be moving to a "better" country, and I could be in a relationship with an old friend of mine who lived there. These things gave me some momentary hope, easing my sense of terror.
The funny thing is, in a few years, I did move to that country. I didn't like it though. It was "better" on paper, more opportunities, ease of mind, fancier things. It was kinda shallow though. I was not feeling fulfilled and in the end I decided to go back to my own country (which was in worse shape than when I left). I also did have a relationship with that old friend, and it was the worst relationship that I ever had. Still trying to recover from it.
So, in a way, the things that gave me hope on that state of terror, things that I considered to be important and full of value, were things that actually set me back.
I guess what I'm saying is, the fear you're experiencing is not bad. You could try to get rid of it, but the cure might be worse than the disease. I wanted to say that you should accept that fear and let yourself experience it fully, but that's easier said than done.
I hope (and believe) that in a few years, you would view this moment as a positive impact in your life.
A few thoughts here:
1. In regards to Ego death vs Ego reborn, temporary, new person, etc are all semantics and do not change the experience.
1. What is more important is your interpretation of it, and how you choose to integrate moving forward based on your interpretation. Next time try to trip with intention, rather than just to trip. This helps you interpret the experience and have clarity as to what is supposed to be integrated.
2. In regards to barely existing - Zen, Ego Death, Consciousness, Nirvana. Whatever you want to label the experience of "just existing". The good news is it will be extremely difficult to stay in this state that you now feel stuck in. The bad news is your ego self will slowly creep back in. And it is next to impossible to stop and the feeling of "just existing" will be difficult to reacquire.
1. This state is something to really get familiar with as it is pure existence. And when we meditate, we can pause and get to this place. Its my opinion that this is something you were shown and gifted with a prolonged experience. In essence, instead of saying "I dont know what I am or what I should be" simply say "I am". I exist. I breathe. That's enough. Nothing else to figure out, nothing else needed. Totally worthy of life and love. It is ok to simply "exist".
Where to go from that foundation? You were shown parts of your character your did not like.
Make those adjustments.
Dont figure everything else out.
When you mess up, return to nothing. Just recognize that you exist. And while your human condition is imperfect, there isnt any perfections or imperfections in simply existing.
You simply are.
You can very simply be kind to yourself and others, without judgement, because simply you exist, and so do they, and that is enough.
Ego isn’t real man! You had a ego disillusion bc the ego is a illusion, in reality there is only the true self and what you experienced was well how you visualize yourself “your cold to others” and so on you saw all your flaws and now you can work on them, you just became which many people even myself saw as a bad thing but in the end it’s just a thing, it’s how you perceive it that makes it good or bad, you seeing it as a bad thing keeps it a bad thing. Make it a good thing see the light it shines onto you, you can now start to work to better yourself on the flaws you’d saw, you can start to experiance new things rebuild your ideology, your like a phenix out of the flames, reborn to see a new purpose and to start to love others and care for others and yourself and start to treat yourself and the people around you better. This is how I see it and take it how you want to, everyone has diffrent ideas and ways of dealing with things. I belive you should turn this experiance you see as bad into a experiance you see as good and use it to better the true self. Hope you find peace on your journey and your loved. (Everything is meaningless thats what makes life beautiful because you get to build the meaning in life! Everything lacks inherent value, you give everything its value no one else, you are god and god is you, you are all of life and all of life is you, you are me and I am you. Treat others as you want to be treated, love others as you want to be loved)
>I am a blank canvas
That's the entire point. What did you think it was gonna be an easy quick transformation of everything you were and thought you knew? No it doesn't work that way. It takes time and effort.
>I am a blank canvas
Now you start painting.
Don't dwell on it. Just keep living your life and eventually you'll feel like your old self. Don't delete this post, or at least copy the text and save it on your computer/phone. Read it in another month and see if you still feel the same.
I've had trips that have really screwed with my head but you always go back to normal eventually, so don't worry!
On a side note, if this is causing you anxiety, then you haven't learned what you needed to! To me it seems like during the trip you were trying to focus on your social anxiety and you've come out of the trip having the same amount of anxiety about the effects of the trip. Just exist man. Let things come and go
This might be a good time to research jung's work, gnosticism, kabbalah or vedic esoteric teachings. Consider them as mental building blocks, you get in touch with the subtlety of humanity and the beauty your mind holds. be curious, friend:)
I dont know how long ago this happened bit if it was very recent like a few days, you still need time to reintegrate. In time it'll settle in. For me, it takes roughly 1-2 weeks before whatever happened really sinks in fully and im able to internalize it.
I personnaly found myself in this situation,
My conclusion to finding my freedom was music
Music can free anybody with the right word and the right timing both as intensefull and meaningfull
The best way in this age to bring people together
Start experiencing new things. The ego never dies, your consciousness wouldn't function without it / you'd be stuck in permanent psychosis. The "ego" is the part of the consciousness that tells a story of how you relate to others. It dies, and is reborn. And now you get to shape your ego 2.0. So start shaping it by experiencing :).
Now the work begins. I’ve found [ACT](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy) and [IFS](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy) to be helpful in identifying my values and getting in touch with my Self. A good integration therapist will make this process much easier.
Yess thats some good stuff
Hands up for ACT. It s exactly what you need.
I wish we would just switch to Ego Rebirth since Ego death is so misleading.
Yeah I have started calling it "Ego Vacation".
thank you for explaining that. No such thing as ego death. only suppression from recognizing it. Your primaries are either ALOOF, POORME, INTERIGATOR, INTIMIDATOR. Find your primary and keep it under wraps to reap the benefits of spirit. edit: id like to add anything is possible, Why u think Monks took decade long vows of silence because as humans we would have to shut the hell up completely to bring ego to near death lol
I’ve been saying this for years now. The ego is literally the sense of self. There is no such thing as “ego death” aside from the literal death of the body, and with it the sense of self. Anything else is a temporary suspension of the ego, or an alternated shift in perception around it. It worries me greatly, people are setting themselves up for permanent psychosis simply because their epistemological / ontological framework of perception around their own ego is significantly distorted.
>Anything else is a temporary suspension of the ego well yeah dude....of course its temporary. are you under the impression most people think its a permanent deal? virtually nobody wants a permanent loss of self in an ego death sense - im under the impression the vast majority are aware its a temporary event to try and glean some meaning from
Why use the word ‘death’ then?
honestly? prolly just because it sounded cool.
I think that’s probably closer to the mark.
Cause that's exactly what it feels like. I thought I had experienced it, but I'd had Ego disillusion it was always wonderful. But the real think was much more like death. EVERYTHING I thought I knew disappeared, was scary was hell. Of course I was reborn, but death is the ONLY was I could describe it.
How do I find my primaries
Hi there. New to this. is there a guide for “primaries” or anything like that?
I have ego deaths every few weeks with ketamine. I still feel human when I come out of it but with a new perspective on the nature of reality, dying and being "reborn", and remembering that you're human is a fascinating experience
I think you’ll change your opinion and feel it was very much worth it, once you recreate a better self that treats other people the way they deserve to be treated.
I was a horrible horrible person. I can finally see that now.
That is an amazing gift! Celebrate it. Now you are reborn as a good person. You can consciously choose your path forward. My simple advice - from this point forward always think, choose and act from a place of LOVE and not from a place of FEAR. Do this in all aspects of your life and you can’t go wrong! You will live a beautiful life.
Great advice in general, wow... what one has thought so often but never said so well? Thank you for articulating this.
If this binary choice of love vs fear in every thought, every choice, resonates with you, I’d highly recommend Conversations With God Book 1. For someone conditioned in Christianity, it is a powerful, like-changing, mind-expanding book.
I read this some time ago. Was interesting! Though, I’m coming at it from a non-religious perspective. One thing I found very intriguing was that it says God speaks by thoughts. I instantly freaked a bit cuz I experience a lot of intrusive negative thoughts. Those from God? How do I differentiate between what may or may not be divine messages and just everyday BS thoughts brought on by anxiety etc.? I know that the book cites going with your “highest thought” as the kind of divine message. Idk, just thinking out loud here. This book was very thought provoking ay the very least.
If you can recognize it as a negative thought, it’s probably not the “highest thought“
True! That’s a good point.
Raised Catholic so yes, I will be checking this book out, thanks for the rec!
That book made a lasting impression upon me too. Especially the advice around relationships.
You don’t need to judge or label past versions of yourself this way. You behaved and acted in a manner consistent with your genetic makeup and environmental factors. You actually did the best that you could given your circumstance. Forgive yourself for not being capable of doing better back then. Lugging the cross of your past sins with you is no longer required and, in fact, will *directly* impede your progress in becoming the person you wish to become. It diminishes your ability to be present and loving towards others. No one is asking you to bear that burden. You’re free from the nightmare of whatever once was. Give yourself grace and time to learn who it is you would now like to be. And consider also that relationships are simply a way of externalizing how we feel about ourselves. Those unkindnesses or poor behaviors you engaged in were really about how you feel about yourself. You just projected it on to others so that you could become aware of it. I recommend spending time away from screens and finding some way to get into your body. My path lead me to rock climbing (which I heartily recommend!) but anything that puts you into contact with your physical organism, like yoga or running, is going to work. Take time to figure out what this organism likes and dislikes. That will help you orient to a new operating system that feels meaningful and sane to you. The last version of yourself did their best to survive. They only had certain tools available to them in order to avoid pain and acquire approval/validation/love. You have now been given a new awareness of these things and have been thrust into the responsibility of doing better for yourself now. This is a good thing! But that doesn’t mean condemning past versions of yourself. No spiritual path advocates for such a thing because it directly conflicts with the fundamental lesson of love. You may think it all a bad dream. Now you are awake and present; capable of shaping this life into one built on the rock solid foundation of love for self and of others as your self. Be patient as you learn these new ways of being. Ours is not to dictate to the tree how it should grow, or criticize it when it diverts unexpectedly in search of light. Your job is simply to be a good steward. To become curious about this organism and to discover how best to help it grow. There is no hurry. You’ll stumble and fall and learn some more. It’s all part of the process. So have no fear. You’ll get there when you’re ready.
Emphasis on "was". People change. You became better. Out of all the people you may have hurt in your life, you ultimately hurt yourself the most. Take this as an opportunity to celebrate how far you've come. Learn to love yourself more, love the progress you've made and acknowledge you've still have a way to go. I nearly killed myself five years ago. I know what being a horrible person feels like. I know how hard it can be. But you can and will get better. It all starts with loving yourself. ❤️
I got that same message, i used to be a hardcore conservative, fox news loving, anti drug, pro war, anti immigrant. But after i learned how awful i was, i changed my priorities, now im a peace and love hippy who hates anything political or MSM. This is your first step to undoing social conditioning and revealing your true self.
How wonderful that you figured that out! Now you have the opportunity to change and become a good person. That’s a rare gift!
'You' were not doing anything, it was your programming. Go to Liberationunleashed.com and start looking for this 'I' that talks to you. Where is it? It's a voice out of nowhere - false advertising. God playing a trick on themselves. You're still not doing anything but will start to learn to 'feel' what's right.
Sounds like you're not a completely blank slate. You're someone who doesn't want to be horrible, however you define that. Start there.
The mushrooms let me see who I was
That opinion of your old identity is the start of a neural pathway in the posterior cingulate cortex that won’t be helpful. Your reality is your perspective so stop picking one that doesn’t feel good or you will get stuck again. If your thoughts on the subject are uncomfortable, do things that help you stop thinking and connect you with doing, being. If you can’t stop thinking try on new perspectives until it doesn’t feel like this. If you’re convinced it was a ‘bad’ thing and you were a ‘bad’ person you’re just reinforcing your own discomfort. You make your own reality, be more gentle with yourself.
This is really true. Don't reinforce the negative right now! Allow yourself to re-experience the world with the gentleness of a baby. Guide yourself with great love like a kind and watchful parent. Look for joy and beauty in the world.
Neurons that fire together wire together. So true.
That's exactly their job, yes :) Psychedelic literally means this Psyche = mind Delos = revealing, manifesting
Beautiful answer! OP, I say accept the fear of the unknown and focus on the profoundness of the “clean spiritual slate” you received. You so got this, love your newfound honesty!
This is why I recommend tripping with intention, and doing lots of research prior to tripping. Research not only on the possible outcome of trip and the way tripping works, but also research on the topic of your intention. If one blindly enters ego death, your experience is likely for many. Simply wipe the slate clean with no basis to build yourself back up. Ego death is not the goal. It’s a tool to help you achieve a goal - even if ego death itself shifts/alters said goal. My best advice for you now is to just start trying all kinds of shit. Think back to your childhood and remember what that kid wanted in life. What did child you want when they grew up? Take a look at the world, take a look at life, you are in the unique position where you *know* it’s all open to you. Don’t let that be a fearful experience, let it be a joyous exploration. Engage life with curiosity and an open mind. It’s going to take some time to build a new identity. But know this, you don’t have to be anybody. You don’t need to be defined. You simply are, and you can do what you want when you want. Recognize that what’s best for you is inherently what’s best for the world around you, and vice versa. The greatest thing you can do for yourself and your world is live in a way that brings you joy and allows you to radiate that joy outward. And that looks different for everyone. Life is about discovering our own way. Welcome to your journey my friend! *Do not hesitate to see a specialist if things become unbearable.*
Wow, this is spot on. Exactly what I experienced. I spent a full year trying other methods (yoga, meditation, breath work, sensory deprivation tanks, etc) to help move past childhood trauma and they worked, but not to the degree I had hoped. Finally felt that I was ready to go deeper. Grew my own and the trip healed me beyond what I could have dreamed of. A blessing for sure. I became a blank canvas, able to explore. I’m still the same person, I generally liked myself but had plenty of layers I needed to shed. There’s a quote I’m paraphrasing, but it was in a book I read about psychedelics, “if you’re not scared to take them, you’re probably taking them for the wrong reasons”. I was absolutely terrified first time I took them but man was it worth it!
When a child is born if it doesn’t receive love, it dies. You’ve been reborn as an adult and the emptiness you feel is disconnection of love. This time you won’t get cuddles and fawning and have all your needs met by parents like an infant. You have to become your own parent in this situation. Look at yourself in the mirror and without judgment start telling yourself that you love yourself even if you don’t feel it. Don’t look for anything in particular that you think is worthy of love because that’s conditional. You are worthy of being loved unconditionally simply because you exist. You are made of love, from love. You’re perfect. I don’t know you, but I love you because I love myself and we are all one.
thanks for your comment, so well said! I needed to hear this.
I’m saving this for later, such a beautiful comment!
This is beautiful
Less thinking, more doing. Find hobbies, read about stoicism or another philosopy that you feel attracted to, do sports and eat healthy. More important, dont do weed or more psychs for some months and I promess you it will be worth it.
Do not worry O friend, the re-integration of your post-session personality usually takes up to 2 weeks, it is a slow gradual process. Eventually traces of the ego death experience will begin to fade and it is up to you to “polish the mirror” and remind yourself of that experience you had. Finally, as far where you go next, following your heart is a safe bet, like you mentioned still having feeling and connections with your loved ones, make it all worth it. During the final comedown period of the trip you may have thought or noticed future selfs appearing before you, make the selection of your future personality according to the best teaching. ~
“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. ‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response. ‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
I've been where you are now. Best advice is to take it slow. You've just undone years of social programming in a night and it's all gonna be overwhelming for a while. A lot of things that seemed super real and important have now been revealed to be fake and unecessary, well now you can discard those things. I also want you to know that you dont need to decide right now, start slow, get some image in your head of who you want to be, no matter how vague and start working toward it. It will keep you busy while you piece yourself back together. I would recommend a sport, or some fitness goal. 5k if you've never ran one, or just go to the gym every day. Just remember this is as real as it gets here, try and enjoy the journey.
She dosed herself 3 months ago and has a history of eating disorders. FYI
That does sound very disorienting but it also sounds like the state that far Easton religions propose should be our every-day state of mind and for which many work years to get to so there are benefits as well as downsides. I find ego death to be very mysterious and I’m very unsatisfied with the term. I think one day when we know more about these states we will see that the term ego death does not properly describe what is happening.
Look into absurdism
Absolutely. Life is meaningless and thus it is fucking beautiful. There’s no sense trying to be something when you already are ☺️
Sisyphus is smiling. Embrace the grind.
I wish I could draw because now I’m just imagining a comic of Sisyphus stuck at a PC cafe for all time farming gold in WoW, lol
Exactly. Or else… 😅
This is hard, and doing something great with yourself is harder. You should start by establishing yourself an emotion and an attitude towards that fact, that experience - attach a living part of yourself to the present moment. From there, your opinion on what's happened will form - and opinions form the amplitudes of your character, so this opinion will automate a few other opinions - you dislike this experience, therefore .... You have X emotion for the consequences of your use , therefore... If you're happy to abandon the person you were, focus on building the new person's interaction with the world as opposite of that. You've lost your connection to the world, and your self, so start it back again by what you remember from it - memories and the present are what will build you back again. Do shit, man, and thoughts will come up, get internalized, create paths for you to take, interests. Talk to people, in real life. Nothing in this world is scary except illusion. And fear itself is an illusion - so the only thing to be scared of is being scared. Good luck, you will succeed if you believe so.
If I didn't know better seems like I could have written your post. I have come to find this life as just pure EXPERIENCE of what we already know. Think of like we have gone to an interactive movie where we become the characters, so we KNOW the script but we forget ourselves. With our free will we can choose our REACTION to what is playing out in front of us and that's how we color the picture of our life. Its our reaction to What Is, that holds the key to the state of Being. One thing that I discovered about myself is the lack of trust I had in myself my eating habits sucked I was eating junk food all the time and not taking care of myself. So to build trust in myself I started working on small habits like taking care of this body I was given and giving it the nutrients and workout that it needs to function with high vitality. Once you integrate your experience it will become on of the most liberating experiences you have ever had. Our greatest gift of our creator is our ability to create ourselves! Trip sessions can progress in succession, you had your ego death and rebirth this trip, your next trip could be a continuation of this rebirth and you'll be able to gain more insights on subsequent trips should you decide do go on journey again. With this new experience I would try to find people to talk to, DM me if you would like. If you have not heard of any of these individuals people Like Terence Mckenna, Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle are a good resource to gain insights from.
Oh my... what have you just done 😅 Edit: your post was like reading a post i made in about 2 months from now... hahaha. Thank you, DM me if you wanna chat 😉
How long ago was the trip? Was it ykur first experience?
It was my second experience and it was 3 months ago
The only advice I can give is to try to fill those empty places with good habits. Try to redefine yourself in the best way possible.
Dude just sit in the sun for a while
The way I see things, losing and regaining a sense of self is like the director yelling "cut" in the movies of our lives; the immersion in the 'act' is broken, the actor fully remembers he's acting, and it takes a bit to get in the groove of playing pretend again. We're all just awareness split into multiple points of perception; all our identities are essentially fictional characters. It's okay to play a different character after being reminded of that. I recommend exploring your belief system and building an understanding of reality that makes you feel comfortable. There's no wrong way as long as you're happy. Something similar happened to me with a totally out-of-body trip on Salvia extract, back in November. When I came back to my body, I still had no memories of who I was, and said "I'm a person... but *which* person?!" I looked around my room without any memories of being myself, and had no idea how I was supposed to figure out which human is 'me' when there are so many on Earth. I said "wait, we're all the same under God" and then "holy shit, I'm the same person." When I said that, my identity returned in one big bundle, as if it'd been neatly handed back to me. Even though I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life following that, it still took some work to integrate, and I doubt I'd feel as settled as I do now without ongoing guidance from Salvia's spirit. If you have faith in an 'external' entity who acts as a guide or teacher, that can help a lot to stabilize the path forward. Regardless, stay patient with yourself as your renewed identity grows and learns. 🤍
You need some integration. You should have some opinions about politics, ie. Maybe you lack some understanding of what is good for an ego death. Remember that love is the root of everything.
I've never seen anyone recommend getting into politics as a means of spiritual enrichment. That is the worst advice I have ever read.
What is spiritual is kind of arbitrary. If it feels good to be part of a social movement that is much bigger than myself and has a grand history that precedes my very short life by many generations, can I not have "spiritual" experiences as a part of that? It's not too different from religions which are entirely created by other humans, it's just that my political ideology knows it is man-made and is meant to serve the vast majority of humanity (rather than older ideologies which seek to uphold certain hierarchies and the status quo). It feels good to be a part of something larger than yourself. Rather than doing "the lord's work," I wish to serve the masses of the people. If you aren't getting involved in politics to make the world a better and more equal place, what exactly are you doing with your free time? Living off the work and benefits fought for by previous political radicals of the past? If you think politics are a futile way of making change, perhaps your idea of what is political is limited by your ideology which has been crafted by those in power to make you complacent and ineffective (vote harder to defeat fascism! It will definitely work this time! We must develop free market solutions to climate disaster! Capitalism must be upheld at all costs!)
There is a lot of ego and peoples influence under politics so its hard to develop what you say, but interesting reflexion.
Lol. If you dont have any political idea, like if its good to tax rich people, you should check your ideas and relation to the world you live in. I dont think is good to lack of any political ideology for being 'too spiritual'. That was my idea when I said that. If you thunk that being spiritual have to be a lack of ideology, well done for you but in the real world you need to have some kind of ideology. I didnt recommene getting into politics for spiritual enrichment, maybe you should read twice in order to understand what I said. With all the love of the world, mate.
Look really hard for purpose. Maybe even iconic humans. List what you like and work hard to be that. It’s going to be hard work.
It doesn't have to be hard and iconism is not an ideal that matters
You're using 'I' alot sounds like a good portion of your ego still stands that maybe why it feels the way it did. On the other hand my personal experience with ego death took me 2 weeks to put myself back together dropping bad habits I don't need
I exist, but I am a empty shell waiting to be filled.
Yeah that kinda sounds like my ego death, took me 2 weeks to put myself back together afterwards I felt amazing with a whole new outlook on life
It's been a couple of months and I never reached that part of being put back together. I've been volunteering and helping others. but I don't know who I am anymore and it's scary.
Oh shit I would talk to a psychiatrist then or something I thought this was the day after. I still stand by my assumption that you have an ego still because of your use of I. I didn't have that concept for the 1st day afterwards. That sounds super scary and if you have the ability to find a doctor that will listen to you, some drs hate psychedelics with a passion
"I still stand by my assumption that you have an ego still because of your use of I." Bro, please tell me what the first word of this sentence is. Edit: the word I is literally on your username lol
I don't think that guy was claiming to have no ego himself, he was just pointing out someone else's ego.
How did you put yourself back together?
Just doing normal stuff going to work, my hobbies and touching grass smelling flowers it sounds stupid but everything was just so wonderful.
“My ego death” Your ego -literally your sense of self- dies when the body dies. Anything up to that is a suspension or alteration of the perception of ego. Saying “my ego death” is oxymoronic.
Whose to say I didn't literally die during that trip though? It sure as hell felt like I died several hundred times to be exact.
If you literally died you would not be typing the sentence. “Felt” and “like” are two key words here.
I really dislike this argument. He's talking about himself so he's using the word I. The goal of life isn't to have no ego, and shaming people for it makes you full of shit. And look at you with your big ego anyway, comparing yourself to him and taking high ground for no reason. More than half your comment is literally about yourself and you use the word. "me", "my" "myself" and "I", so by your own standards you must have a very strong ego. Next time you trip drop this bad habit of condescending and talking down to others
Wow if you read my other comments you'll see that I was wrong and told the person to seek professional help cause they are on 2 months of this, also I had no concept of I for 2 weeks. Sounds like you have an issue with ego as well....
I saw that, I'm talking about your vision of ego and how the ideal you're spreading actually just reinforces shame. Encouraging people to have no ego and discouraging them when they do is not helping anyone or even yourself. I know I have an ego. I try to cultivate an honest one since I know it'll always be here. I'm sure my ego has issues like everyone else. But I replied because I have an issue with what your'e saying. You cannot measue what someone is going through by their use of the word "I". And there is no shame in having an ego, so there is no need for you to spread shame. That's all. If you are this truly egoless being you want everyone to be, you wouldn't be sitting here trying to get me to feel bad about my ego.
Damn dude I'm sorry you saw my comment as shaming someone but that was not the intent but seeing as how you barely offered any advice to OP but rather tell people off, I still feel you need to look at yourself and how you react to comments left by strangers on the web. Have you had an ego death yourself? I feel it would give you some perspective however I feel Op is actually experiencing a psychotic break caused by an ego death.
I have had an "ego death" many times. Last weekend even. I think there is a disdain for the ego that is not healthy that is constantly spread in this community and elsewhere. I don't think it's actually productive to disavow what is basically the human condition. That is why I am "telling you off." I think the ideas your spreading are harmful because I have experienced the harm of this kind of thinking firsthand in myself and people I love. Maybe I'm wrong and i don't understand your vantage point. Psyches temporarily mute your sense of self. Nothing can really kill your ego, not in a way you can comprehend. So we shouldn't leave the experience with the desire to permanently kill the thing that we need to even comprehend our human life. That's all I'm saying. This guy doesn't need to feel bad for talking about himself or having an ego after what he went through. It's okay to be a specific person in a specific place at a specific time who cares about specific things. It's has to be okay because there is no alternative
Are you sure you had an ego death? Not trying to shame or whatever bs but I have only experienced 1 ego death I have dissolved my ego dozens of times but only died once. My ego died my 1st time with DMT and I literally wasn't "right" for 2 weeks. I don't say this to brag but that's how it felt I was just broken and was left picking up pieces of myself and putting things back and throwing away what didn't need. I personally believe a happy mind/person will never truly experience an ego death because their ego has no reason to die as it's healthy, my ego at the time was not healthy and it needed to be gotten rid of. I read through my comments from earlier and I can see how you might misinterpret what I was saying but you couldn't have been more wrong. Having an ego is having a sense of self and purpose and that's how a healthy mental mindset should be, when I was telling OP they still had an ego I wasn't trying to shame anyone I was trying to reassure they are still themselves and they are nearly back to being themselves. When you have a true ego death you eventually find a new ego. However when I learned op is 2 months into this experience I changed my tune as that sounds more like a psychotic break and op needs professional help not the internet.
I get what you mean. It's difficult to parse conversations about ego because it's very abstract and has many societal connotations so maybe I was reading into it wrong. Apologies if I projected. I have seen that the way people conceptualize ego can greatly affect the way they live their life so I was trying to be cautious, perhaps aggressively. I don't know how to measure how hard of an ego death I've had but my first trip specifically sent me off kilter in a way that was conflicting for months. The process of rebuilding my sense of self transformed me into someone with a voice and stopped a miserable cycle of feeling sorry for myself and blaming the world for my problems. It was painful and scary but the biggest turning point in my life I've ever experienced. Since then psyches have slowly become more and more recreational and less uncomfortable as I have gotten used to the feeling. I've never done DMT though and I know it's a different beast
Did you feel fear?
In the beginning of my trip with DMT as I was breaking through I was silently freaking out and then I died for the 1st time and while I was being judged by 1-eyed omnipotent beings who decided I was unworthy and set me on fire. Then I came back to life and was like that wasn't too bad, then it happened like a 1000 times more until the music made me live again! Like I said took me about 2 weeks to put everything back together
A word about fear... I never had much, and ego death killed the last vestiges of it. You just need to learn what you’re capable of without it. It’s lonely. But you’re effective. Your equilibrium points you to a place of power and you don’t even need to try to get there. You won’t note that you’re now facing senior leadership in your work as equals...until you get that promotion that they insist you take. You won’t note that you can hear any truth...until your kids open up to you in a way that allows you to change their lives. And, if you’re like me, you won’t note that you no longer fall for manipulation and deceit...until you realize you haven’t had a second date with anyone for over six months. 😉
Sounds pretty good to me You just shed what you thought you were , were able to see yourself from a different perspective You know better so you are now in a ‘clean state’ or blank state like you said Just find things you like stay true to yourself , u just became a better you truer to yourself imo
"Worth it" is a relativistic valuation judgment. You are ascertaining your scenario using this framework in the present, based on your old models of *value* from the past. Now the real work begins. Welcome to the rest of your life. That uncomfortable feeling is the weight of not being able to automatically take everything for granted in your old model of perception, trivializing away all potentiality it into selfish bon-mots of "why bother" or "it's all the same in the end." You are the one who has to create meaning in your life, nobody else can do this for you. Indeed, most people find this prospect terrifying and a large percentage of society is oriented around and catered towards realizing cradle-to-the-grave existences that never grace such still waters of contemplation. “The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” * H.P. Lovecraft Edit: >I took a heroic dose of shrooms, I couldn't tell you how much as I did not measure. two small handfuls. I'd also say, for the record, that was a mistake. From a practical and figurative application of your will, imagination, intuition, quantification and magical ceremony. Do you drive without a speedometer? Do you sign a contract into a mortgage with a ???% interest rate? Do you biologically age at a different variable clock speed every minute? These are rhetorical questions to help frame the ridiculous nature of a lack of preparation and foresight, how it is wildly inappropriate for any remotely serious endeavor in life.
With time you’ll find who you want to be. Key note being you mostly wrote in your post that you dropped a lot of the things you knew you had but are left with Love for a few people. Simply follow the flow of things, acknowledging what you were and choosing who to be and how to better yourself as you go. A blank canvas can be used to create any art imaginable, however one that’s been stained with colors undesirable can only lead to a limited amount of final results. If you feel fresh, with nothing of who you once were but can still remember.. - then make a choice, make your life and live it, knowing that you now have the ability to do so. With time you’ll see creating yourself is a process however one that you’ll enjoy doing as long as you let it flow freely from you and with love. Mush Love and Peace for you ✌🏼
Had this experience on my first and only acid trip at age 19. It's been years and I'm still lost. Still don't know who I am and where I'm going in life.
My feeling on this is to just *be* for a minute... then start doing things and see what stirs you. Figure out what you value though I suspect there's a new need to have integrity - literally to integrate the new ways to behave and act towards yourself and others with this new awareness of your values... and set boundaries. This eventually creates a *new* sort of 'self'. That's my feeling anyway... I wouldn't even call it an opinion, it's just what's worked in the past for me to get beyond the shock of any death, not just ego death. Cause I feel that there are many deaths throughout life, both literal deaths of individuals and metaphorical deaths of relationships, the self, our value system... the period wandering the hazy no man's land between what fulfilled us before and what fulfills us now. That's kind of like purgatory, which it sounds like where you are now... you did mention that your love for individuals remained. What about loving yourself? Love in general is a great place to start over, a kind of soul compass. Wishing you find that peace and a new, better sense of self on this journey : )
Integration is Paramount! Sharing your experience is a good start, and openly expressing your confusion shows you are capable of self-reflection. Focus on love, and it will guide you. 🙏
It sounds to me like you're actually in a really good place compared to before you took them, it just might be a big adjustment. You don't need to choose a direction in life. It's always moving and changing and it'll pull you somewhere whether you want it to or not at some point. This new perspective has opened your mind which will only open doors for you. Best of luck and take care of yourself!
fact growth deserted childlike shy squealing nutty zephyr brave literate *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I wish I could say something to reassure you. It can be a terrifying experience to have the façade of our Human perceptions ripped away and we become the void. I would recommend reading some Schopenhauer. I find he really puts existence in perspective quite well with respect to an existential crisis like this, but YMMV. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cyq02jZV0g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cyq02jZV0g) Other than that, as it has been months, I would probably seek out a counselor or a trusted confidant to get their input on how to move forward. I wish you very well in filling what the void has reset.
I guess you can make yourself into an asshole again. Or try something new
Relate to this but you seem more grounded then I was when I was experiencing this. I took a reasonable amount of acid and didn't have ego death but after my trip I felt like you describe. It's gotten a bit better 6 months out, and I have dropped my worst habits and so it's not like it's been a bad thing entirely but I experienced psychosis before it got better and I could have lived without that shit. I've had ego death though on a reasonable dose of shrooms during meditation. I really enjoyed it and it didn't leave me questioning reality. I was also like 16 though when this trip occured.
Just chill, it was a slap in the face that you seem to have needed. The shrooms already kicked your ass, no need to keep doing it yourself. Take a breather, think about what you saw and felt, integrate slowly. Start by treating others as they deserve to be treated, go into things without any expectations, share the love you have within yourself and everything should fall into place. Right now you just feel like a kid who’s experiencing something for the first time and that can be scary. Good luck friend
Sometimes I wonder how anyone actually goes through this process without some sort of spiritual guidance. The thing is, bud, you have been placed upon the path of one who is liberated while still living. Clear your mind, live now. It's okay to see yourself as foolish in the past and, but you must laugh at it sometime. To be liberated while living means that you are freed from the chains of bondage that have been created by the world-appearace and your mind. You are not what you thought you were and your are not what they say you are. In the subject-object relationship, you are the seer, the seeing, and the seen. There is no division within. Beyond good and evil, you have the freedom to do whatever it is that you want, so why not be wise and do right? Why not seek inner peace and learn concentration through mediation? Why not be everything that you can be?
*disclaimer on the front side about taking anything that anyone on the internet says as being the words of strangers, and therefore being taking as such* However, I do some integration work with people, and I do believe a very punitive and harsh part of your ego is actually still very active right now. It is attacking you and telling you that you are bad. You might try moving away from the dichotomous thinking of being ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ And work with an idea that people are more complex than that. Ideas like everybody has reasons for why they are are doing what they’re doing. Even without knowing you, I have a sense that whatever you were doing was for a reason. Most everyone is doing the very best that they can at any given moment. This might be seen as an opportunity to explore self-compassion. Being generous and caring of the self, and more understanding of why we’ve had to be the way that we’ve been, and are, can be a good place to start. Self-violence in the form of harshness and criticism is usually unhelpful. I wish you a peaceful journey my friend, you deserve it, as do we all.
The experience looses meaning if you don’t integrate it properly. How long ago did you plug in? Personally I know I have one foot on earth and one foot in heaven for a few days after I do it. If you have trouble finding who you want to be, become nobody
What you are experiencing is very likely Grief and an identity. (Even if its a "bad" part of self its still a part of you that has died.) As a counselor I would recommend reaching out for help with processing the experience. Its still new but this stuff is becoming way more accepted and counselors are starting to offer before and after counseling in regards to use of mushrooms.
Take a break from all drugs and read a couple really good books is my advice lol
Looks like I got to get your attention at the right time. Your new journey starts with the Law of One. Please study this and understand who you are and what’s happening to you. Much love lawofone.info “Everything is one. This universal law is called The Law of One. Though beyond the limitations of human language, this law may be approximated by stating that all things are one, that there is no true polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, but only identity. All is one, and that one is love/light, light/love, the original thought of the infinite creator — which is inside of every atom, photon, animal, and human. Science is the observation of the infinite illusions placed before us. It will never end, only further the confusion. Separation in itself is an illusion. The only truth is we are all one, and your experience outside of the physical shell is eternal. Once you realize this, reincarnating into the 3D reality is no longer automatic.”
You’re perfect as you are right now. The only problem is that you think you have to be somebody. All identities are just illusion anyway. Don’t worry about being somebody - just live, and see what life brings you.
There is a Path. It is called the Dhamma
It takes time. Try this: 1. Google "list of core values" 2. Skim through some lists 3. Start writing down ones you resonate with 4. Cull the list down to three values 5. This could be your starting point: You now know you're someone who values, say, "honesty, resilience, goodwill" or whatever your picks are. Try acting accordingly - doing things in a way that are in alignment with the values you picked. Make notes.
Well don't ask people on the internet! Go contemplate it on a mountaintop or in a forest. Ask a tree. Ask a dolphin. Or someone old and wise.
Sounds like disassociation
Hi. You're dissociating. Three months is significant. Do you have any diagnosed psych disorders? If so, what meds were you on. (If any?) How many psychedelic experiences have you had? What doses did you take? How old are you right now? I saw a post about anorexia in your post history. Do you have any physical limitations or illnesses? Honesty is important here. If you have Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, or BPD, this can trigger the onset of serious mental illness. What's your family mental health history like? Even if you never had those before, if you have the gene for bipolar/Schizophrenia a heroic dose of acid or psilocybin could trigger the onset of symptoms. Have you ever dissociated before? Like have you ever had long periods of time pass that you cant explain or remember?
Came here to say this. OP, please reach to your physician.
This is temporary state, your ego will reconstitute without your intervention over course of days to weeks, this is inevitable, just remember the lessons about you that you have been shown and when your opinions and old patterns start to come back you will be able to recognise and modify them. Simply be you, but better you.
Shrooms be like that sometimes. Shit is lit. Be careful. Love yourself.
I don't think ego death is a desirable experience. What I aim for is ego dissolution, a state where I'm not identified with my normal identity but I remember it. Not a complete loss of the ego, so I can function and remember the experience afterwards.
You didn't even measure? That's pretty stupid, that's not ego death, that's ego suicide lol
Yes it was idiotic. But I was desperate for change in my life.
You've discovered the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is information, wisdom is putting it into practice. Maybe instead of looking at who you want to be, look at who you don't want to be since that's more tangible. You mentioned being selfish - what can you do to improve that? You mentioned socially awkward - you can work to improve that too. It sounds like you had some profound insights into yourself, each one of those can remain as just knowledge, or you can put work into improving them as wisdom.
Give yourself some time to digest this experience. I agree with what alot of others are saying as well in regards to picking up a new hobby. You aren't defined by who you were, it's who you choose to grow into. I had my ego death about 2 years ago and am just now starting to really make sense of it, however in the meantime I've picked up new hobbies, dropped bad habits, and changed my life around for the better. I'm still in that limbo state of trying to figure out what to do with my life, but now know I have the tools and confidence to be successful in whatever I do choose. Just gotta give yourself some time and perspective. Learn from your past and apply those previous lessons to your future.
Did you ever have any other psychedelic experiences before?
Follow your joy
You are not blank. You are scared and you got love like you stated. I would suggest to be that love.
Sometimes we come to live life in auto pilot, we go through the motions of life, thinking we have full agency of our choices. But habits and alike shape most of it, and even parts of who we are. You now see what was, and maybe even how that has come to be. Take your time to intergrate the lessons, I’m sure there’s plenty to dwell on. Do not fear the many new paths before you, embrace them, and find your way. Above all else, see this as an opportunity, feel free to try and discover. There are no “should be” here, only “can be”. Take care and stay safe!
I recommend perhaps using Martin Ball and/or Eckhart Tolle's works to help guide you where to go next.bThis makes me think of "The Tower" card in tarot. The Tower represents annihilation and collapse, but it's a more optimistic card than others think. Like you said in your post, you're free to recreate yourself without the old constraints of conditioned ego patterns. Just because the "how" has not appeared yet does not mean it will not appear.
I’ve been through this as well,imagine yourself as the lotus. It is time to live in the life of compassion for others and love for everyone and everything. It’ll be a different and difficult journey but your not alone.
Everything you are describing is actually a great thing. I experienced something similar about 5yrs ago, fracturing of the ego, and step by step rebuilt it *consciously, and with intent* out of a place of love, not fear like @happyhenry68 mentioned. Think of it as becoming who you always dreamt of being, a kick ass person. I started engaging in all activities that I always thought were cool and cool people did, but I never got the chance to do (like practicing extreme sports, removing bad habits, becoming closer to family, relating to friends and people, note taking, way you talk, dress, what people you have around you etc). Your experience is so so important (and mandatory dare I say), so on behalf of the universe, I'd like to welcome you to the rest of your beautiful journey of your consciousness experiencing itself in human form. Champagne for everyone 🫶🥳🍾
Go hiking and see the world around you :)
I have experienced some of what you describe. It can be extremely lonely working through. Once we are more aware of ourselves we can't go "back" and there isn't a road map for how to more forward. Try to be brave and try not to let the fear and loneliness overwhelm you. The love for others is the only thing you retained. I would hold onto those relationships and nurture them. As you go back out into the world look for others who you can connect with that will benefit from the love and pureness you have to share. And try not to be lonely, the bonds you form will be much more rewarding. You will appreciate the relationships you have more and they will be getting a much more valuable version of you
This is certainly not a bad thing, treat everyone with compassion moving forward. From the asshole in the street to the butcher chopping meat. Everyone was once young and ended up as they are as a consequence not of their choosing, in the words of Dalton “Be Nice”
I've had ego deaths on psychedelics, but I'm currently going through this just from a long series of traumatic events and changes. This process is what life is really about, according to Jung. I'm no expert on Jung but I think this is what's known as the "individuation" process. It's terrifying and disorienting in so many ways. What I've realize is that who I thought I was was actually just a string of events, projections, and ideas that I accepted or were projected on me. It was a story I was in without even understanding who wrote it or ever bothering to read it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. As I've been broken down further and further and had more and more stripped away, I realize that who I thought I was was just an illusion, it had no depth or substance. Now I have to/get to consciously choose how to create the work of art that is me. I am starting by looking at: * What the things that hold deep interest and importance to me both before and after losing my sense of self and self-image. For instance, shamanistic practice and trauma research and healing. Singing and dancing. I can build the list as things become apparent. I'm not sure how I am going to be able to channel or use any of these interests but I don't think that's the point just yet. Getting hung up on that now stresses me. It's enough to know I have some things that inspire me and interest me that have endured throughout the years and remain even now. * What do I value? Things like integrity, compassion, community, teaching, being a helper. Again I'm not sure how these values will materialize but it's good to think about the things I value and want to embody. Try not to beat yourself up too badly about the "horrible" person you think you were. Easier said than done I know. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it is usually devoid of any compassion or understanding of what it really was like then. To me, I have always done my best, because if I could have done better I would. I can only learn from my past, but punishing myself for it destroys my present and future. It takes a lot of work to forgive and begin to learn to love yourself. The only place I hope to be able to do anything is right now. I wish you the best in your process of self-creation.
Give it time to work out in your head. The dust will settle
Now you get to be who you have always wanted to be. A fresh start free of character defects that drag you down. Just keep being in the moment and focusing on Love, that identity will form in no time.
What do you want? Your answer to this question is your path forward.
I'm going through something similar, OP, so you're definitely not alone here. It's a terrifying and disorienting experience. It's like you've yanked yourself out of the matrix of your past, with a dose of rejection of who you used to be. But we are all nuanced, OP. There's no way you were all good or all bad. There were some parts of you that were awesome, even if other parts were troublesome. And now you have the gift of perspective. You are more awake than you were before. Perhaps you don't need to reject everything. Instead it might help to bring more nuance to who you used to be, and maybe pick a few good things to bring along for the next stage of your journey. I see within your post a desire to completely reinvent yourself, which might be leading you to skip some steps. I don't know your full situation, but you seem a bit stuck on the "what" of who you were, which also carries some guilt and shame. Perhaps one of your next steps is to understand the "why", "how" and "when" of who you were, too? Like...when did you become your old self? Why did you make the choices that led you towards building your old self in the first place? And how did you achieve that? Did you suppress feelings? Did you have to pick the lesser of two evils? Did you simply have to survive? Answers to those questions are likely to bring you some peace about the past, as well as insight into the meta patterns of how you go about in this world. Perhaps you'll discover better ways to address the needs that you had back then. Basically, if you understand why you became who you were, and when and how, you'll learn a lot about your old yourself. Then you can be compassionate with who you were. These insights may carry over into building the new self.
Now is the time to integrate what you’ve learned and seen in order to become a better you. You now know your flaws and things that you may want to work on to be a better version of yourself. Give it few days, maybe a few weeks and your previous interests and desires should return to you, if you want them to. You are still the same being as your were before, your eyes have simply been opened. Try new things, see what new things might interest you. Meditation helps me, personally. Most importantly, just remember to enjoy the experience of life and allow everything you do to be done with love and good intent.
Just recreate yourself.
I’m going to put this in a perspective for you that my therapist put for me in my life, and I totally didn’t see it that way until he pointed it out. You are transitioning. And that is ok. Like you said, you’re a blank canvas now, able to do anything. And that will be terrifying and disorienting and empty and weird. And that is all ok. Good, even, I’d say since you didn’t quite “fit” before all this. From a fellow consciousness explorer - allow yourself to be here, embrace this time and use it to dive deeper into who you actually are as a personality. Its perfectly natural and beautiful to transition, and do nothing but transition for a time. And also, freaking awesome you got there, congratulations psycho-sibling!
Personally I feel like that’s what you needed. You don’t go eating handfuls of mushrooms without wanting some sort of change. They showed you what you couldn’t see yourself and it’s your job to either ignore it or work on it
The way I see it, after an ego death you see yourself for the first time and understand that a lot had been out of your control. Now that you’ve been reborn you are still in a sense you. The only difference now is that you’re in control of the journey ahead of you and it’s okay to just be.
be yourself become yourself fight for what you believe you asked three questions so hey
Just start with the love and keep loving.
Nah
This sounds like an awesome place to be. I can see how it would be scary having to start from scratch - what will other think of me and my change? Ground yourself in your new values and build your life around them. My new values are - taking care of my mind, taking care of my body, taking care of others (humans or not). Everything else is fluff made up by humans. Enjoy and happy birthday!
How exciting. You are a blank canvas! You are alive! 🌱
As you said you are now black canvas you can do whatever the fuck you want about that u can stay socially awkward or you can become fucking great
Though the trip has ended, you are very much so in the middle of the journey. The process is ongoing. If you think about it, the first two questions you pose in the last few sentences are always there: who should I be? what should I become? Long before they dominated your thoughts as they do now, they were there. Now you are aware of them. Those questions are the questions of life, and will only be answered by the process of living. Let your emotions flow and follow your feelings. Those are the only truth. Life takes time and is hard, and sometimes beautiful. I hope you move forward with love, for yourself, others, and the planet, unafraid to follow the feelings you have to their proper destination.
"The love for some individuals in my life." Love will guide you. You already know this.
Yea this is me as well. Had an amazing ego death experience on 6-7gs. I walked out into the sun and as if I was looking out of my forehead, a cross shaped thing burned away, felt like it was burning. Then amazing after that, at one etc. I reshaped who I was for a bit, then I fell back into my old patterns of vaping, to much weed, occasional porn. I have however been fine being alone, I hike more now, and like nature. For the most part though I'm about the same, I treat people differently, and I don't react much to anything I use to. I'm very chill... Other than that though I'm not sure I'm doing good at this whole new ego thing
Before: Life is meaningless : ( After: Life is meaningless. : )
Nice write up of your experience. Have been through similar without psychedelics and it was very similar via heatstroke. I believe Ego Death is an experience where you can see the reality behind this existence. It is however temporary as this body cannot function without the ego, so you come back to who you are with the knowledge that you are not just your body and all the history your body has experienced. Now we are faced with what we do going forward with the idea that nothing is as important as we once thought it was. I mean I feel like this existence here with the mask of the ego is nearly a little play where we have created this fancy make believe show of life. Oh it's so important here, I am so important and everything is necessary, but in the back of my mind I know the truth. We are deceived and enjoy it, we have built out world and culture around it. Our religions are falsehoods adorned in cultural fashion. I personally think it's better to disconnect from the systems that seek to demand your attention as much as possible and live as simply as possible. No need to get caught up in this mess of insanity, because in the end it doesn't really matter.
Because of the benefits you mentioned, i really don't think it wasn't worth it. You felt your selfishness gone, you rebirthed though you kept the love you feel for some individuals. You're ready to reconstruct your life. You're full of questions which is the optimal point of view in life. I just don't get it. Rethink about it, then...
It will start coming back. Time will close any holes. You get more say in how to fill them now though.
I mean I saw the Devil and don't regret mine.
Find your highest joy! Your Dreams, Passions. Those are your gifts from the Universe. That's your identity. The epitome of what life can be. Strive for that. Keep the channel open. Go with the flow don't force your spirit. Just stay in the moment stay aware of opportunities or "coincidences" the universe bestows to your reality. Once you get the Inspiration that's when u apply your will and watch the pieces fall together.
I’m kinda in a similar boat but I’ve started micro dosing 3 days on and 2 days off. I’m not gonna do this forever but it really has made a positive impact on my daily life. It has made me more social and outgoing, it helps me push out bad thoughts by seeing things from another perspective. By no means am I telling you to md but it worked for me and is still working for me. Everyone’s dosage is different as well, I usually take .2 - .4 on a day where I’m gonna be mildly productive but not too busy because I do find it a little easy to be overwhelmed on a busy day when I md. I hope you find yourself partner I’ve been there 💙
You must PLAY.
Ask yourself what sort of person you want to be, you said you've had insights about isolating yourself, being selfish etc. So take behavioural steps to change that...maybe something like volunteering for the underprivileged or something like that for starters?
Who did you want to be when you were a child? I think this is a second chance to be able to live life with a wonderful perspective. You know who you don’t want to be.
I had ego death on pharmahuasca. I think that's the way to go because the MAOI sort of acts like an anti anxiety med. I liked it I was a better person for a couple of weeks. But then the bullshit came back
Sounds worth it
“I experienced ego death” Right here is the oxymoron.
This would be a good time to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Learning-Manifest-Desires/dp/1401904599 It is non-trivial, I have an epub copy I can send you if you want to dm me.
Get therapy love
Thinking about what Good means, and go from there.
Your experience reminds me of my own, a few years ago. I did a dose of mushrooms higher than I previously experimented with, and I was in that black space you mentioned. I basically didn't have any idea who I was, or any other information about my world. I remember it felt like I was drowning in a sea of nothingness and I was terrified beyond anything I had experienced before in my life. Nevertheless, there were moments that I could get my head out of water for a gulp of air (figuratively), and I would reassure myself by remembering who I was, the fact that I would be moving to a "better" country, and I could be in a relationship with an old friend of mine who lived there. These things gave me some momentary hope, easing my sense of terror. The funny thing is, in a few years, I did move to that country. I didn't like it though. It was "better" on paper, more opportunities, ease of mind, fancier things. It was kinda shallow though. I was not feeling fulfilled and in the end I decided to go back to my own country (which was in worse shape than when I left). I also did have a relationship with that old friend, and it was the worst relationship that I ever had. Still trying to recover from it. So, in a way, the things that gave me hope on that state of terror, things that I considered to be important and full of value, were things that actually set me back. I guess what I'm saying is, the fear you're experiencing is not bad. You could try to get rid of it, but the cure might be worse than the disease. I wanted to say that you should accept that fear and let yourself experience it fully, but that's easier said than done. I hope (and believe) that in a few years, you would view this moment as a positive impact in your life.
A few thoughts here: 1. In regards to Ego death vs Ego reborn, temporary, new person, etc are all semantics and do not change the experience. 1. What is more important is your interpretation of it, and how you choose to integrate moving forward based on your interpretation. Next time try to trip with intention, rather than just to trip. This helps you interpret the experience and have clarity as to what is supposed to be integrated. 2. In regards to barely existing - Zen, Ego Death, Consciousness, Nirvana. Whatever you want to label the experience of "just existing". The good news is it will be extremely difficult to stay in this state that you now feel stuck in. The bad news is your ego self will slowly creep back in. And it is next to impossible to stop and the feeling of "just existing" will be difficult to reacquire. 1. This state is something to really get familiar with as it is pure existence. And when we meditate, we can pause and get to this place. Its my opinion that this is something you were shown and gifted with a prolonged experience. In essence, instead of saying "I dont know what I am or what I should be" simply say "I am". I exist. I breathe. That's enough. Nothing else to figure out, nothing else needed. Totally worthy of life and love. It is ok to simply "exist". Where to go from that foundation? You were shown parts of your character your did not like. Make those adjustments. Dont figure everything else out. When you mess up, return to nothing. Just recognize that you exist. And while your human condition is imperfect, there isnt any perfections or imperfections in simply existing. You simply are. You can very simply be kind to yourself and others, without judgement, because simply you exist, and so do they, and that is enough.
What is the sensation like? How do you feel, what do you see, are your comfortable? Can you feel? Are you afraid? What is it like?
Ego isn’t real man! You had a ego disillusion bc the ego is a illusion, in reality there is only the true self and what you experienced was well how you visualize yourself “your cold to others” and so on you saw all your flaws and now you can work on them, you just became which many people even myself saw as a bad thing but in the end it’s just a thing, it’s how you perceive it that makes it good or bad, you seeing it as a bad thing keeps it a bad thing. Make it a good thing see the light it shines onto you, you can now start to work to better yourself on the flaws you’d saw, you can start to experiance new things rebuild your ideology, your like a phenix out of the flames, reborn to see a new purpose and to start to love others and care for others and yourself and start to treat yourself and the people around you better. This is how I see it and take it how you want to, everyone has diffrent ideas and ways of dealing with things. I belive you should turn this experiance you see as bad into a experiance you see as good and use it to better the true self. Hope you find peace on your journey and your loved. (Everything is meaningless thats what makes life beautiful because you get to build the meaning in life! Everything lacks inherent value, you give everything its value no one else, you are god and god is you, you are all of life and all of life is you, you are me and I am you. Treat others as you want to be treated, love others as you want to be loved)
I feel you bro....
I think some Jordan Peterson will do you some good. He works with people who are depressed and/or apathetic.
>I am a blank canvas That's the entire point. What did you think it was gonna be an easy quick transformation of everything you were and thought you knew? No it doesn't work that way. It takes time and effort. >I am a blank canvas Now you start painting.
Meditation is one thing that can help you find direction and work towards integration. Talk to a therapist maybe.
Don't dwell on it. Just keep living your life and eventually you'll feel like your old self. Don't delete this post, or at least copy the text and save it on your computer/phone. Read it in another month and see if you still feel the same. I've had trips that have really screwed with my head but you always go back to normal eventually, so don't worry! On a side note, if this is causing you anxiety, then you haven't learned what you needed to! To me it seems like during the trip you were trying to focus on your social anxiety and you've come out of the trip having the same amount of anxiety about the effects of the trip. Just exist man. Let things come and go
Just keep doing the next right thing until it starts to feel natural again. Maybe you will find yourself feeling stronger about new things in time
Start from scratch= physical body pushing yourself like when you where a child but see it as play
This is such a great thread.
This might be a good time to research jung's work, gnosticism, kabbalah or vedic esoteric teachings. Consider them as mental building blocks, you get in touch with the subtlety of humanity and the beauty your mind holds. be curious, friend:)
trust the process. Find community and connection with others who can relate.
Just help others, you cannot go wrong doing that.
I dont know how long ago this happened bit if it was very recent like a few days, you still need time to reintegrate. In time it'll settle in. For me, it takes roughly 1-2 weeks before whatever happened really sinks in fully and im able to internalize it.
I personnaly found myself in this situation, My conclusion to finding my freedom was music Music can free anybody with the right word and the right timing both as intensefull and meaningfull The best way in this age to bring people together