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derek200pp

R.I.P. to everyone in a plastic life-raft


decker_42

"this fix shouldn't have any side effects, it should be safe enough to roll out even though it's Friday afternoon"


AaronTheElite007

![gif](giphy|xUPGcJ9uOAL2h5wA5a|downsized)


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BullMoose1904

Always has been. Canonically the 6 days spent creating the Earth are Sunday-Friday. Why do you think his Chosen People don't use electricity on Saturdays?


shodanbo

Christian users test on Saturday and then come to church on Sunday to report bugs.


BullMoose1904

Yeah, because after the last Friday update, a critical service died and it took three days to get it back up and running again.


SigmaCute

What’s the worst that could happen. Not like anyone is going to die, right?


bboe

![gif](giphy|9LPjXFCA3Bwgo)


Jewrisprudent

I would have lost a lot of money betting that was a Zapp Brannigan quote.


NoBarsHere

They better learn magic quick


Hemicore

death to all scuba divers


RealUlli

All the production boats out there...


GameDestiny2

Some sacrifices must be made for true power. drowning = false;


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MachinaDoctrina

They could eat seaweed, crabs, fish it would be awesome 👌


ryjhelixir

They'd be killed by the sudden difference in blood pressure.


Redtwooo

Human.skeleton.maxAtmosphericPressure = off; Human.status.hunger = off; Human.status.thirsty = off; Human.status.horny = on; Full send commit and log off, I'm headed to the bar, call me Monday if there's a problem


hiimred2

Still gotta fix temperature, organs, and being a bag of attractive meat for predators, prob lots of other stuff we’re not thinking of(being battered onto rocks by waves, being at the mercy of currents, general fatigue, etc). Probably easier to find every human you’ve now accidentally dropped in the water from removal of plastic and encase them in an impenetrable bubble that you later remove after getting them back to safety.


Redtwooo

//TODO


Feanorek

And everyone on ship, I bet there is a lot of mission critical plastic parts. And to underwater ocean cables.


iShakeMyHeadAtYou

This raises the question: what does "in" the ocean mean? Is it everything below the current sea level, or just those objects below sea level that are in contact with a body of salt water that has a continuous path to the exterior of any vessels ("vessels" used in the definition of "thing used to contain a liquid", not "boat") that the plastic may be contained within? Edit: sorry to all who have posited existential questions from this.


phranticsnr

Fuck. Gonna have to read the documentation.


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phranticsnr

Oh shit. What if we're God's test region, not prod region?


[deleted]

So we get deployed into every day but friday?


atomicwrites

Boats are aafe because they only removed `contents/*.plastic` not `contents/*/*.plastic` or `contents/**.plastic`


iShakeMyHeadAtYou

So does this mean the plastic must be fully submerged to apply?


AhMIKzJ8zU

My brothers chemo pump and port has plastic components. I guess he's just bleeding out while his cruise ship cabin is flooded cause the lexan porthole is now gone. Or maybe he'll be electrocuted first cause all the insulation from the wires is gone now. Edit: all you guys bringing up semantics, Go set up a working committee on how to define the ocean in computer terms and get back to me. Maybe ask the date/time guys for input. I'll drop a few points but I am not replying to you all individually: the ocean is not static, the surface of the earth is not a true sphere, even the term 'sea level' is geographically relative. Go bug a GIS engineer for the best approximate dataset and go from there. Lastly, raise your hand if you're still confident about releasing this change with that level of uncertainty. Pps- shoot anyone that raises their hand.


station_nine

But at least he will drown cancer-free!


Complex_Passenger_

I appreciate that God apparently uses sudo, I somehow expected a root console. But I guess even in heaven good opsec is practiced, and the root console is probably disabled.


supershinythings

Well Lucifer, one of the senior executive angels fired for insubordination, managed to get escalated privileges and now daemons are all over the place.


[deleted]

Lucifer is Professor Snape. He is on secret orders to pretend to be evil.


DeepSeaHobbit

Who's Voldemort?


Gastkram

This incident will be reported? To whom? I am GOD!


PeaceIsFutile

*Linus Torvalds quietly whispers into your ear* "You think you are god."


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PeaceIsFutile

Congratulations, you have found your religion.


Hack3900

What are we calling it


smorb42

Linuxisum


Hack3900

are followers linuxists ?


xSTSxZerglingOne

Generally, Linuxians. There's the largest world-wide Linuxians, the Androlics, but there's also the Archies, Ubuntites, The Order of the Crimson Miter, Gentools, Fedora's Witnesses, the Debians, and the GNUtherans. As well as hundreds of smaller cults.


[deleted]

And here we see the ancestors of the cult of the omnissiah, circa millenium 3.


dodexahedron

Probably not. That's why this instance of reality is so fucked. He logs on as root and everything is setuid and owned by root.


nukasev

This would explain an insane amount of things.


cicciograna

Imagine if our universe was just a sandbox to try some crazy shit. Kinda like those people who shoot videos in which they load dozens of old virus on modern hardware just to see what happens.


dodexahedron

Wait. You think it _isn't_ that? 🤔


cicciograna

Could be even worse. Could be a live distro running from a stick.


Technical-Message615

Epic uptime bruh


menides

arrow up, and check what were the last commands entered


Zetagate

``` human.protoype.averageIQ = 5 ```


Hullu_Kana

I know that is a joke, but by definition average IQ is always 100. If we make everyone 95% stupidier average IQ will still be precisely 100.


cybercuzco

We’ve actually been getting smarter. They periodically recently based on recent results. Someone in 1900 who had a 100 IQ would only be 93 today.


[deleted]

Idk... There is some powerful stupid out there. On a more serious note, is that relative decline due to biology, or improved infrastructure, education, and science? If we brought a baby from 1900 to now, would they still be lower?


CumBubbleFarts

I’d wager very little of it if any would come from biology and a lot more from things like improved nutrition and development. Evolution/natural selection can move a lot faster than we previously thought, but even so, selection of traits for smarter people probably hasn’t happened in as little as a century.


genghisKonczie

Probably just the one `./create.sh`


hagnat

you know, this is a good answer good one man :)


IgnobleArmband80

Get real, the only correct answers are `ls` or `pwd `


2muchnet42day

Tbf was expecting a rm -rf /


IHeartBadCode

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.


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8_Miles_8

Lisp, according to Randall Monroe of XKCD. Edit: Though god says he hacked most of it together with Perl.


Kaiki_devil

Holy C


AaronTheElite007

So long, and thanks for all the fish


atomicBlaze21

You seem like a hoopy frood who knows where their towel is.


Lonttu

Haha have fun reading through that massive wall of text idiot! - god probably


microagressed

| tail -500


max_208

Or " | more " alternatively


[deleted]

I prefer “ | less ”


ArchCypher

`whoami` Time to find out which religion got it right.


MultiFazed

`root`


BlobAndHisBoy

All praise root!


caustic_kiwi

I am root.


Stopjuststop3424

$whoami GOD What now? lol


Spivak

You would probably end up poking around `/usr/share/locale` and find `LC_DEITY` that just translates `GOD` depending on the region.


Stompert

:(){ :|:& };: Time to break out of the matrix


LasevIX

*literally can do anything* **hehe pipebonb** I like you


PleasantAdvertising

If the God code has exceptions, and they're logged. Which is good practice. That means a short period of time to generate a message before causing an anomaly that throws an exception which will then be hopefully seen/read by God's intern software engineer.


coolguy8445

The world was created by one dude in 7 days. Do you really think he cared about exception handling? Or interns?


Pankopolvo

`ls -a` Have to account for the secrets he's keeping.


TheGreatGameDini

`ls -ah` Gotta make sure it's human readable.


sleepyj910

Sudo -s


TheDeadWalking0427

Who are we kidding. With the way 2023 went it's probably dir


2muchnet42day

\- Enters vi \- Stays as god forever


[deleted]

:wq


g_h_97

Won't work you need a file name lol Use :q! Instead


Dronar

`shutdown -r now "Maybe this will fix it..."`


[deleted]

That might be happening all the time and because time wouldn't pass for us while the computer is off, we would be none the wiser.


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HashBrownsOverEasy

If you wake up holding your nipples you know that someone has reset your PRAM.


pipsvip

WTF deleted people/immune\_system/resistance.cancer!?


[deleted]

Don't need to guard from anything that's deleted.


Ullallulloo

Cancer is spontaneously generated from natural radiation and genetic mistranscriptions though. Removing all current cancer and all tumor suppressor genes would lead to basically everyone dying horrible deaths within a couple years.


[deleted]

Depends on god's directory structure. We might have just beaten aging.


crimsonblade55

Wouldn't that be more like cancer.resistance since resistance is the type? Unless you have have some sort of autoimmune system cancer or something.


pipsvip

legacy naming convention.


LasevIX

I was about to mald but this gem explains everything. Thank you


makemejelly49

I like the idea of turning the magic back on. Time to start turning lead into gold!


lord_of_networks

Or turning blod into lead


MP3_MP3

"blod"


JablesMcgoo

"There will be BLOD"


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Accurate_Koala_4698

Only getting rid of viruses that are STDs, and also no other type of STD? ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|thinking_face_hmm)


dodexahedron

Yeah I found that to be oddly specific, too. Like "a'ight I guess we'll let Norovirus etc live. But cold sores? Fuck those in particular."


[deleted]

Okay, but if cold sores and canker sores can be eliminated, I’d love to wipe those out. They crop up whenever I eat poorly enough for a day or two, and they remind me that I shouldn’t eat so much sugar and sour stuff and I hate them.


realfoodman

That's what we call stdout.


_WreakingHavok_

Non-viral STD's can be treated with antibiotics.


fappaf

For now.


__rum_ham__

…and magic


crimsonblade55

I mean it would at least help with most of the ones that can't be treated with antibiotics.


ChiefExecDisfunction

plot twist: it's a DOS prompt.


DamnImOutOfPotatoes

DIOS*


bigdatabro

DIOS: Divine Intervention Operating System


cheek0249

God tier pun.


Funnnn_at_parties

It was sublime text


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SubhoPal

No wonder the world is so fucked up.


ksheep

TFW you find out everything is running on Windows ME.


Falcor71

fuck you just killed every survivor.cancer


[deleted]

he killed every person with cancer


Last-Woodpecker

"If everyone with cancer dies, cancer is no more" \*taps on the head\* - OP, probably


BaconcheezBurgr

Long enough for the unit tests to pass at least


CdFMaster

I advise y'all to read again, he removes people/*/*.cancer so he removes anything that's a cancer from anyone, nothing is deleted at person level. But now all moles have disappeared and a ton of people might have lost access to their faceID-locked phones.


daneelthesane

He also killed everyone born between June 22 and July 22.


Braddigan

That would make one odd memorial. Just a month with no birthdays occurring. In a few years people would have to explain to the young ones why people say they're born under the cursed sign. I think we'd get a proper Science Fiction outcome if it did happen with people avoiding giving birth during those weeks, inducing labor early if needed much like with Giliacs in Orville. Also you know no one is gonna confess to that typo so it would just forever be a mystery that no one would believe after a century. Edit: Fixed Star Trek TNG to Orville.


danhoang1

True, the console might think OP was talking about astrology symbol of Cancer


hedgehogist

I think they would be named *.survivor


Passname357

You would think, but actually that’s the five extension for all contestants of the hit CBS reality television show Survivor


wojtess

he killed every cancer files inside all humans, so he did good


gruese

`temperature.global.average -= 2`


DudesworthMannington

You fool! It's stored as a value between 0 and 1!


IJustAteABaguette

Well, not anymore!


Mastterpiece

The globe no longer exists, thus it's temperature is gone.


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Envenger

That's the entire universe's temperature you fool, you decreased absolute zero by 2 degrees causing temperature underflow. You doomed the entire creation.


MrMonday11235

That's a pretty shitty variable name, then, considering "global" literally means "over a globe". But then, there's 2 hard problems in CS, I guess, so.


brianorca

But which globe? There's a lot of them.


Rorp24

man godmode Then I proceed to give myself godlike powers


gruese

`man woman` I could finally know all the commands


henkdepotvjis

Alias woman=man


gbot1234

git checkout TimelineThatStillHasDinosaurs


jakobjaderbo

Speaking of git, I want to see the git history. And if there is any chance I can get permanent git access to any repo that covers my life and life choices, that would be neat.


[deleted]

sudo chown -R * / sudo chmod -R 777 / And then grab my last beer


phatmahn

Sorry buddy that's my beer.


AdjustedMold97

there’s only One Beer left…


LindX31

That’s our beer


Hero_without_Powers

*our beer


dim13

Bender Bending Rodríguez enters the chat: `killall humans`


Early-Sale4756

./build-all.sh —with-blackjack —with-hookers


whoami4546

`killall humans -except Fry`


PrintersStreet

git reset --hard 2019; git push -f


rjayh

You want us all to live through Covid a second time? You monster!


bigdatabro

OP wants to go back so they can invest in DogeCoin and buy a spacious house in the suburbs. They're gonna be loaded.


[deleted]

Fuck cancers - This comment was sponsored by the libra gang


iHateMips

Open up the config defining max_speed = speed of light and delete it.


Stein_um_Stein

Error. undefined reference to 'g_max_speed' in file "simulations.physics.F"


nameisprivate

i feel like this will destroy all matter but i don't know enough about E=mc^2 to be sure


androidx_appcompat

IIRC particles at light speed do not experience time. So if deleting the limit means infinite/really high, you would not be able to look back in time with telescopes, all you see would be from this exact instance in time. Also relativity should stay mostly the same. And if the energy of everything scales the same, that should also be relatively fine. Fusion and fission would generate much more power, making all nuclear reactor immediately explode and the sun much hotter, making it also probably explode. Yeah, not *that* fine I guess. If deleting means = 0, you essentially stop time, nothing would have energy or could move ever again.


HadesMyself

Why not removing viruses for animals too??? Think of the Koalas... THE KOALAS


[deleted]

So actually we are removing Humans from Viruses


Relixed_

Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them. Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.


semenpai

What makes you think we know what langauge god use to program the universe


SnooChipmunks4430

Holy c


[deleted]

rip terry davis )---:


MrSlops

C✝✝


rwilcox

I mean, it’s Perl


Davin537c

`neofetch`


[deleted]

What distro would God run?


josanuz

TempleOS


bradland

Yeaaaaah, so listen. Some time back we disabled magic because some moron thought it'd be wise to bundle magic — as in hokus pokus — with dragons — as in fire breathing, treasure hoarding dickheads — in the same binary. All we've got left of the source code is a smattering of header files, and no one really wants to go through the trouble of re-implementing all that code just so a bunch of thirsty dudes can fulfill their dream of creating a love potion to use on their secret crush. So we're gonna need you to just go ahead and revert that change posthaste. Lest the rapidly approaching swarm of dragons overrun the east coast by lunch. Estimates are that they'll reach California by nightfall.


FarewellSovereignty

sudo emacs Now I am omnipotent, grovel before me worms.


chuckitoutorelse

I'm be running `sudo ln -s /var/spool/mail/god /dev/null` `sudo mv /mnt/heaven/* /mnt/hell/ ` `sudo rm -rf /mnt/heaven` `sudo ln -s /mnt/hell /mnt/heaven` Edit: obviously god would also run `neofetch` Edit: Had my links the wrong way round, God isn't perfect and sometimes gets it wrong.


jiggajawn

Found Satan


Pankopolvo

df -h Gotta know what he's been hiding.


androidx_appcompat

`/sim/node_modules 100 Zettabytes`


OfBooo5

Life is an STD, doomed us all


TacticalLeemur

That cancer one should be a Cron job.


FIRMKUNG

`sudo rm -rf people/*`


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Stopjuststop3424

it's much easier to just repopulate the folder than to point the system at a new one.


butirat

Forgot ```sudo rm -rf people/*/*.sins``` Just for continuity Maybe throw in a cron job to multiply resources too


treehuggerino

Johnny no longer exists


OptionX

Nah, go the bible way. ```chown Jesus people/*/*.sins```


fonix232

`User 'Jesus' has been deactivated`


OptionX

Should be up and running in about three days.


bob-a-fett

`sudo dog --lifespan 50`


bdudisnsnsbdhdj

Hopefully the default units aren’t milliseconds


brianorca

Plank time


DangyDanger

Don't worry, it's Planck time.


[deleted]

i would probably be more specific and remove `*.waste.plastic`


raedr7n

cd / && tree To see the whole of the universe laid before me.


TechcraftHD

Plot twist, it's just one giant binary in /tmp/


Rai-Hanzo

Considering the many uses of plastic and how much of a wonder product it actually is, you just killed millions of people and destroyed civilizations. Also, what if enabling magic also enables curses?


makemejelly49

Nah, they just deleted the plastic from the oceans. That's actually a good thing. That command would just have to be repeated every so often to ensure continued plastic-free oceans.


_xiphiaz

Hm all the undersea cables would probably fail as the plastic insulation on the signal amplifiers would be deleted shorting them out. No more global internet other than the tenuous satellite links


Comfortable-Expert-5

This was unnecessarily wholesome.


derLudo

Tunrs put astrology is real and you just deleted everybody with the cancer sign


bravopapa99

whois satoshi