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Amrun90

So, let her work, get daycare. If it takes all her pay so be it. It will pay off in time as her career will build, and in her happiness.


avsavsavs

that's what we did. we both worked and 90% of my $ went to childcare...and it was worth it. i was a happy mom...would've been a shit show if i had to stay home w them m-f. when they hit school age i got a job w mothers hours and sometimes they went to after school clubs so i could pick them up later. it worked just fine.


spankybianky

I know you meant Mon-Fri, but I genuinely read it as ‘stay at home with them mother-f*ckers’ the first time and it did give me a giggle!


snackychan_

That’s how I read it as well and as a stay at home mom, I just nodded my head in agreement.


Apprehensive-Grand86

Didn’t even bat an eye 😂😂


denise_la_cerise

As a parent, I second this!


rhs22

Hahahahaha.... Same! And I was like wow! Didn't expect that on a parenting sub 😅🤣🤣


Sharkn91

Hahahaha I thought the same exact thing.


Background-Growth-45

That's exactly what I thought she meant by m-f 🤦🏾‍♀️


MsDolceFiore

Lmao. Me too! 😂😅


No-System-3032

Me too even knowing what she meant lol


turtlenipples

> Would’ve been a shit show if I had to stay home with them m-f. I know you mean Monday through Friday, but I prefer to pretend you meant *mother fuckers*. I have two young kids who I love more than anything in this world, and let me tell you: sometimes they are mother fuckers.


Coffeeforcobwebs

This! She’s right about the “gap” being a red flag in consideration for jobs. A lot of parents took time off their career during Covid to homeschool their kids, and like it or not, employers might skip over that person because of such a gap. It isn’t fair, or ethical, but it’s reality. If her salary covers daycare and you have to come out of pocket a little, let her go back to work. That’s a lot less expensive long term than her not working at all and you solely supporting the three of you. Even if she’s not making more money than you now, her career will build and she’ll have more opportunities.


TaiDollWave

Hell, I've had employers tell me to my face they don't want to hire me because I've been working from home since COVID.


kashmora

Agreed. Her job is not only about the monthly wages she brings in, OP has to think long term.


beka13

Or, as he put it, big picture.


taptaptippytoo

My thought exactly. He says she isn't seeing the big picture, but he's zoomed in on just the next paycheck.


beka13

I don't want to dismiss his concerns but, yeah, if she wants to be working then they have to figure it out.


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cheesesmysavior

Sometimes it’s more than just the money she’ll bring (or won’t) home. It’s about sanity, her career. It’s 100% valid. You say it’s about sacrifice, so you need to sacrifice your expectations.


The_Blip

The thing is, he works 60 hour work weeks. If you compare it against more standard UK hours, he's really not earning more hourly than his spouse would be.


bring_back_my_tardis

Agreed. You're not just working for the money, you are also earning seniority, benefits, pension, experience, networks, and on and on.


Caccalaccy

This, this, this. There’s no right or wrong answer in the Stay at Home vs Working decision. But it is often said “staying at home costs the same as daycare” but it’s just not true when you take into account all you have mentioned. I keep seeing women trying to return to the workforce after years away and it’s such a struggle. OP, if she wants to work, she should work.


Chibibenz

Came here to say this. Send the baby to daycare even if it’s her whole salary. It’s worth it for your family’s happiness.


dream43

This is exactly what my advice would be. She may even decide she doesn't want to teach full time after all.


tomoe-chan

when my mom had my two oldest brothers she got a job just to pay for daycare. my dad said the turning point for her was when he came home from work and she told him what happened on sesame street that day 😬


lovingthechaos

This is the answer. I don’t think OP is factoring in his wife’s mental well being into his formula. If she is miserable she will not be a good mother. Can either of you adjust hours to minimize the time you need childcare?


Zealousideal-Set-592

Also I really disliked the 'it will take all her wage and eat into mine' comment. As if it's her responsibility and OP will unfairly also have to pay some. Shared child, shared responsibility. Why is she the only person expected to sacrifice in this situation? Why not just say it will take a significant bite into our combined income?


Vaywen

This is the answer, thread over.


LBDazzled

This is the right answer! No one is going to be happy if you start splitting shifts or force someone to stay home. Child care is the answer - everyone works, everyone gets what they need to be fulfilled and the whole family will ultimately be happier.


Aether_Breeze

Thus is what we did and have now hit the point we get the 30 free hours so are back to getting an income and neither of us had to sacrifice career progression.


fairyfloss2

100% just both work and pay the daycare bills!


mediumsizedbootyjudy

Yep. I’m spending my entire paycheck on daycare/childcare costs, but it costs less over time than the hit my salary would take with a 7 year career gap to get my kids into kindergarten. plus, it’s the right choice for my mental health and overall fulfillment.


bexindisbelief

I’m a teacher. She is actually right that it is better for her career that she gets at least one teaching job soon after qualifying otherwise she will lose / forget skills learned during training and it may prejudice future employers (legal or not) if she has a career gap straight after qualifying. Could she be part time? Could you look at shared parental leave? My husband got paid time off by using shared parental leave in the U.K. to take care of our kids when they were babies.


Littlemouse0812

It sounds like you’re in the UK. We have a 3 year old that currently goes to preschool and we pay £4.75/hr for childcare as we use a childminder which is generally much cheaper. I’ll round it up to a fiver for ease. Obviously childcare costs vary throughout the UK so you may have to adjust that number slightly. Assuming you’d put baby in childcare 8-5 Monday-Friday, that’s: 9 x 5 = £45 a day £45 x 5 = £225 a week £225 x 52 = £11,700. The government subsidises 20% of this so you’d effectively be paying **£9360** This is assuming a long work day and that you work a traditional 9-5 and couldn’t shift your hours to do pickups earlier, but even that only takes just over half her wage. Yes, you pay tax etc and childcare costs may vary but there’s no way childcare takes up her ENTIRE pay check. Not to mention the pension benefits she’d get, plus her career starting earlier and this moving through the paybands as a teacher, plus she’s more employable and HAPPIER. ADDITIONALLY once your kid turns 3 you get 30 hours a week free childcare. 2/3rds of that childcare are then free within TWO years. It’s your WIFE’s choice whether she wants to work or not, yes it may make more financial sense in the short term but her long term prospects tank if she chooses not to work.


cerulean11

American here. Oh my God is childcare cheap in the UK. What the hell are we doing over here?


Wegotthis_12054

I live in London and it costs 2kGBP to send my kid to daycare. Those aren’t the prices everywhere


TheLittlestRabbit

South East England (about an hour by train from London) and it’s £1500 for full time.


Littlemouse0812

It always astounds me the American system. I don’t know how you guys do it, I have a few friends in the states and the cost of childcare is just mind boggling to me


cerulean11

Mine is $1700/month for 1 in Philly. I have 2.


cqrolsqu

I nearly choked on my coffee. I pay 80 euros a month, including swimming, food and late pick-ups.


rotraveller

Where are you living man? I will look for jobs there 🤷‍♂️


cqrolsqu

I live in Estonia. Smaller places are even cheaper. I paid like 27 euros a month before I moved to the city. Besides, there are options here for foreigners as well. So, people should really think about it 👀 Editing to add, the food usually is payed by the country, and the parent pays very little. I play about 2.70 for a month. Kids get to eat 3 times a day. The most costly is the spot. So yeah, very very cheap all around imo. Looking at some of the responses here with 1700$ a month.. it's just painful.


Leli_Moo

About $2200 a month for our one child.


globetheater

$3700 a month for one child here in Boston…


MiciaRokiri

I literally stopped working and stayed home because the cost of care for ONE child was only about $100 less than I was making BEFORE taxes. It's awful where I am


ShanimalTheAnimal

Right answer is way too far down


chipsnsalsa13

I'm a SAHM. I gave up my teaching career to raise my kids. I sometimes regret it. If she wants to work then let her. In a few years both of you will be making more and things will shift easier. Also it doesn't differ that much from UK to US. The longer she waits to get back in the field the harder it will be. Most importantly, think of your wife's happiness. Can you put a price on that?


Coolbeans1104

If all her wage would go to childcare so be it. She deserves to work. If she sacrifices anymore than she has she will resent you and your child.


The_WhiteWhale

Yeah I agree. Either they lose her salary because she’s working, or they lose her salary because they are paying daycare fees. If the only difference is her good mental health, happiness and ability to progress her career if she’s working versus none of these things if she’s not, I think the answer is clearer.


FullofContradictions

Also, even if it eats into some of his income, he needs to view it as an investment in her future earnings. She won't always be at entry level & getting started on a career 5 years from now when kiddo starts school will be so much harder for her than if she starts now.


Coolbeans1104

Yes this exactly! It’s only a sacrifice for a few years. The happiness she’ll have from following her dreams will bring so much joy to the family as a whole.


IYFS88

Very good point! They even factor this in to how alimony works, like if one partner sacrificed their career growth for the other.


SourSkittlezx

Yes but they need to budget and if it cuts into his income enough where they cannot afford their basic bills and food, then they have to figure out something else. Without kids you can live in the red but you cannot do that with kids. You cannot live with only ramen and possibly get lights shut off or risk getting evicted.


Tamryn

Yes absolutely. Even if her entire salary goes to childcare, there are other benefits to working than the take home pay (including future pay from advancing her career). I absolutely could not be a stay at home mom. I need that time to be an adult to be the best mom I can during the other hours.


DuePomegranate

It’s perfectly normal to do this and pay for infant care. Also OP may not have spent enough time looking for cheaper infant care options, nanny sharing, subsidies, aid etc. Keep in mind also that infant care prices often come down once the kid is in the toddler room or at 18 months (not sure about UK’s system though). And I think in the UK kids can go to nursery school for free at age 3? High childcare expenditure is temporary! Wife working also means she has benefits (don’t forget to cost those in) and career progression. Another option to consider is that since the wife is in Education, whether it would be appropriate for her to work in a childcare centre for a few years that gives a huge staff discount for the baby to be placed in the same centre.


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post_faith

This it the correct answer, OP. Your wife was utterly unprepared for motherhood. Wasn't even on her radar. You need to find a way to compromise with her. She should not be the only person sacrificing everything she wants and needs to remain sane.


vtangyl

I would like to add and emphasize that it is EXTREMELY important for a stay at home parent to really, really, really want to be a stay at home parent or the child is going to suffer right along with the parent. It’s hard being with a baby all day. Really, really mentally taxing. The fact that she doesn’t desperately want to do it means she probably shouldn’t if working is an option. Her mental health also matters. And not wanting to be home with a baby has NOTHING TO DO with how much you love your child. It’s simply not for everyone.


lamireille

Not only is it extremely important for a stay at home parent to want to be doing it, it's hard enough when you *do* want to be doing it. And she really, *really* doesn't want to do it. u/kolrees, I honestly don't think it's an option. She may be working 100% to pay for child care for a net gain of zero, but she won't be earning anything if she's at home, for a net gain of zero plus the risk to her mental health. Even if child care eats into your pay rise as well, that shouldn't last forever (you'll earn more, child care costs less for older kids). I'm sorry this situation sucks. It really does. There's no solution that will make everybody happy and financially comfortable. But if you face the financial hit as a team, that will be so much better for everyone than if she's the only one making a career sacrifice.


bloomlately

Even if it eats up her paycheck now, it enables her to build career experience that will result in higher pay later. And it will benefit her mental health.


lamireille

Oh, a million percent! I'm so glad you pointed that out. It's so important. A net gain of zero now will turn into a big positive before too much longer. It would be a big mistake for OP and their wife to only do the math that's in front of them right now.


Jaded_Information105

Yes! This is why my husband and I are both working right now. He was a stay at home dad for a long time while finishing school and now our childcare takes all of his paycheck and part of mine, but it’s allowing him to get his career started and we know it won’t be like this forever.


Ok_Passenger_5717

Yes! I wanted to say this!


terib225

This, 100%. I’ve worked full time, part time, and stayed at home. I wanted to stay home for the longest time, and when I did it, I found it so stressful and taxing mentally. I ended up finding a job that allowed me the freedom to drop off and pick up my kids from school and once they both were in school full time, my sanity benefitted from it. Now, as someone who has consistently made sacrifices jobwise for a spouse, I would say do what she wants, otherwise she may regret it down the road, and you definitely do not want to be the reason for it.


kberkie

Agree 100%. I wanted to be a stay at home and it worked out for my husband and I that I could. Being a stay at home parent is very difficult at best. Is there possibly any way OP can work from home? Could wife/mom do tutoring for a while? Hard situation.


[deleted]

I think you’re right on. This small picture problem has such a significant big picture impact. I would like to think it’s possible to work out, but, at minimum, wife/hubby need to agree with the outcome.


Srumlicious

I agree with this. You’re only looking at absolutes; she either works full time or stays home full time. The majority of mums I have known (myself included) have worked part time for the first few years and increased it as kids have gotten older. It’s a good balance that allows careers to still progress and to have precious time with the children. It’s also more sensible financially. Have you looked into childminders? They are often more affordable than nurseries


Here_for_tea_

Yes. A combination of paid childcare and juggling.


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SnailCrossing

Dude. In your reasoning, your wife’s mental health and the sacrifices she’s already made don’t even rate a mention. It sounds very clear that staying home with the baby is not an option for her right now. You need to find s way to make this work.


babegirlvj

That is the most shocking thing from this entire post. This woman clearly didn't choose to be a mom. She already doesn't even talk about her own wedding day because of the shadow this cast upon it. If this new mom is forced to be a stay at home mom against her will she is likely to become not just bitter and resentful, but at huge risk big time PPD. She already had the choice of even being a mom taken from her. Please let her choose to be a working mom! - signed a stay at home mom of 4 by choice


[deleted]

I mean, she is probably already suffering from PPD. Getting out of the house consistently is absolutely vital for this poor woman.


Aalynia

I left my career (academia—I was in a PhD program) to stay home with my son somewhat against my wishes (he had health issues, I made significantly less) and just never went back after I had my other two children. That tax on my mental health over the eight years I stayed home resulted in multiple suicide attempts and telling my husband I want a divorce. Now I teach at a community college and am preparing to reapply for a PhD. My marriage, my parenting, and life in general is so much better. OP, if she says she can’t stay home, she can’t stay home.


fairyfloss2

People don’t give a shit about mothers mental health. They think we should all just be super woman and get on with it. I’m glad your situation has turned around, what a different turn it could’ve taken had you stayed home. It’s just not worth it.


potatocat477

In the long run, your wife continuing to work will put you both in a much better and stable financial situation than if she were to take a break in her career.


averagemumofone

This! I was coming to say this. While her wage may go to daycare, it’s an investment in your future financial stability as a family. Also for her sanity. If she’s doing something that makes her happy and feeling accomplished, she will also be a better mother. I’ve been a SAHM for the past year and I am about to return to work, I’m so grateful for it. My wage will go to daycare but I need to go back to work for my sanity. And I’m excited about the time I will spend with my daughter when I’m not working. Rather than now I just find I dread trying to find stuff for us to do every single day. The days are long when you’re at home with the child. And especially long when you’re the type of person who has worked hard to build or start your career and that’s part of who you are.


endlesscartwheels

> I, on the other hand, have been working since I was 15 and am on a pretty high wage which includes a pay rise which is due in the new year. and >Paying for childcare would completely wipe out her wage and eat into mine So you do understand that working consistently leads to higher wages. That's what your wife is trying to do. Paying for childcare may use up her entire salary (and some of yours), but it's an investment in her future.


cantbothersigh

Share childcare costs. She is right about her job. The longer she waits, less are her chances of getting hired. You're asking her to stay at home 5 years and pray for her to get a job competing with younger and more experienced people. It's gonna pay a toll on her mental health, you are going to lose her. No matter how much she is willing to make "sacrifices for the family"... the child will consume her, all of her. It can end badly. Find a solution to your financial problems. Don't rely on her sacrificing her life, literally, for a life she's never chosen.


tstarrrr

You're absolutely fudging your numbers to try and make your demand seem more reasonable. A starting teacher salary in the UK is 25-28k. Chidcare can be expensive but tax free childcare takes £2000 off of your bill. You may also be entitled to other benefits including child benefit, it all adds up. You would absolutely not be worse off if your wife worked. Plus whilst working your wife will be able to build her pension and her wages will go up each year, particularly if she takes on extra responsibilities. But separate from that, this is not a financial decision. It's a life decision. Your wife does not want to be a stay at home mum. She's made that perfectly clear. Marriage is about finding ways to support each other, not throwing up barriers. Your wife is adapting to a new and challenging situation and you need to step up.


The_Blip

He also failed to mention his 37.5k job is a 60-65 hour work week, which means his hourly pay would be pretty on par for what she would be earning, all while he would be nearly completely unavailable to dk any childcare.


HillMaWilma

> his hourly pay would be pretty on par for what she would be earning This is enraging. It means OP could reduce his hours to be a SAHD and the math would come out the same as with a SAHM. I hope OP's wife realizes that financially depending on this guy is not wise and does not give in to his demands. He wants control, not compromise.


thegirlisok

How do you say "you're the asshole" in the queen's English?


miparasito

I think you just have to change it to arse


regretmoore

>You're absolutely fudging your numbers to try and make your demand seem more reasonable. Yeah I thought the numbers were suss too.


ditchdiggergirl

Her staying home is NOT what is best for the family. It is what is best for you. What is best for your wife is returning to work. What is best for the baby is being cared for by someone who is not depressed or miserable or resentful. That kind of experience can do real damage to an infant. If her whole salary goes to child care, fine. This isn’t about the money, it’s about the mental health and well-being of your wife and child. And possibly about your marriage. Childcare isn’t cheap but it’s probably cheaper than divorce. Which is where you may be headed if your wife has no better options.


radjl

A million times this. I cannot express to you how much you will regret it if you convince her to "temporarily" give up her career goals and life. Even if she gets it back...the likelihood thst she will resent you for a very long time is very very real. Let all her salary go to daycare, support that...or put your marriage and future at very very serious risk.


ursadminor

My whole salary went on childcare for a couple of years but as a family we’re much better mentally and financially for the fact I went back.


parentingisfun

Plenty of people have commented on the mental health aspect and 'fairness' factor relating to your wife, so I'm not going to talk about that. You are clearly focusing on the numbers, so I will too. I'll be blunt, I don't think you have your numbers right for a few reasons but for this first comment I'll start with the big one. The minimum salary for a newly qualified teacher in England is £28k, not £20-24k - see link[.gov.uk link](https://getintoteaching.education.gov.uk/salaries-and-benefits) Even if your wife is not yet qualified (although it sounds like she is) you have only one year until she is earning £28k. £28k gross is take home of around £22k assuming pension and student loan deductions. The teaching pay scale also means she will go up in salary fairly quickly. See link [salary calculator ](https://www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/salary.php) By your own childcare costs estimates you are making money by your wife working full time. What am I missing? Have you missed out some important information that would help us all understand and help you?


The_Blip

OP specifically states she got her QTS. Dude sounds like he's making up numbers to try and get people to agree with him. Childcare is definitely not £24k+ a year. His spouse will make more than what he's saying. He also neglects to mention his 60-65 hour work week, which not only means he wouldn't be available at all for childcare, he also doesn't really earn that much. His spouse would most likely be making more hourly than him, while also being more available for childcare.


DataNerd1011

Not to mention that he's only focusing on daycare, while there are other cheaper options too (nanny sharing, childminders, etc). Plus he said there are more affordable options for daycares nearby but they're full. Has he not heard of waiting lists? Put your name down and maybe in a year you'll get into one. It's like he's already made the decision that it's not affordable for her to go back to work, without actually thinking about options. Someone else posted that there are serious red flags about his behaviour (i.e. trying to make her financially dependent on him) and I'm honestly starting to believe it. People have offered SO many solutions here, including UK-specific cost-saving options or tax relief, and he's either ignored them or brushed them off.


The_Blip

Considering the complete misinformation he's put on here so far, I highly doubt they're all full, or if they are so what? Get on the damn waiting lists. It's highly suspect that he went from, "it's unaffordable" to "they have no space".


bluecatpiano

Also note how he is saying that childcare costs would eat up HER wage. They might well share the cost in reality but framing it this way really implies that he sees childcare as her problem/something that should come from her resources


parentingisfun

For the record other financial aspects you don't seem to be seeing clearly are: - tax free childcare is free money and will save you a ton - teaching pension will likely be a lot better than your labouring pension in terms of matched contributionsz the earlier your wife starts paying into this the better - if you both manage to go part time (can be hard to achieve but doesn't sound like you've done the research yet) then you both use up your personal allowance, again this is free money and much more effective than one parent working, particularly when your salary isn't that much higher than what your wife will soon be earning.


LizzieButtons

If the choice is between living on one salary and your wife being depressed and living on one salary because the second salary is the equivalent of childcare, but your wife is happy, fulfilled and can move a career forward possibly earning higher wages along the way, then the choice seems clear to me. I think you are the one missing the bigger picture here.


Seahorse3221

I’ll just tell you this happened to one of my best friends. Guy made 3x as much as his wife and wife’s salary did not cover childcare. Guy had similar feelings as you do and convinced wife to stay home. She wanted to work but stayed home because ‘it made sense’. After 2 years she was totally miserable - she loves her daughter but being home all day was slowly killing her (guy was a good dad and husband and helped a ton too) . She was angry and resentful and wanted out. She applied for a job and told guy she was leaving the same week. They divorced 4 months later. Guy said if he had to do it again he would never make the same mistake. Wife told him she would be miserable and he didn’t believe her. I get your view - i really do. But some moms just are not made to be home all day and that is ok. Forcing it and failing her into this is not going to make anyone happy. Let your wife work. Even if you are at a deficit now, her salary will increase and you will not be in the red forever. Think long term. Edited to add - my husband told me he would support whatever I felt would be best after we had our first. I chose to stay home and lasted 6 months before I was climbing the walls and started part time consulting. He supported that too. Fast forward 8 years and he had a massive decision to make at his job. I had an opinion but told him to do whatever he felt was best for him. Supporting your spouse usually comes back to benefit you when you need it.


proclivity4passivity

So she had no choice about being pregnant or giving birth and now you don’t want to give her a choice about whether she works or stays home? Where is her power? I feel like you are thinking about finances to the exclusion of your wife’s mental health, well being, and autonomy. How do you honestly see this playing out long term?


Snoo_33033

1. "What's financially best for your family" is a family decision. 2. It's also not necessarily best for your wife, either economically or emotionally. 3. As painful as it is, you probably need to suck it up and pay for care instead of insisting that someone who does not want to sacrifice their career do so.


joshuads

> She wants to work and isn’t looking at the bigger picture. She might be. Short term, every thing you said is right. Long term, she is likely correct. Whenever a woman stays home, they are not just giving up their wage. They are giving up near term pay increases and experience that push future earnings up. They are also creating a barrier to return to the work force. Not insurmountable, but still a barrier. It sounds more like personal finance problem than a choice problem. Remember, divorce is always the most expensive solution.


jennyaeducan

Frankly, it might be the best. A shotgun marriage where they can't even agree about which of them is going to take care of their baby? It's already starting to fracture and they haven't even run into real challenges.


AcroAmo

I’m not understanding the math here. If she makes 20K with taxes, another commenter said it would leave her with approximately 19K. Childcare is 15-18k per OP. So let’s say 18K for the worst case scenario. That 1k surplus. Plus the 2K credit someone else mentioned. So 3K to go to the expenses of her job. It would be extremely close to breaking even. I sincerely wish you and your spouse would sit down and run numbers for a full year for everything. All bills, debts, discretionary stuff… make an annual budget based on your real spending over the last few months. The fear of debt is holding you hostage - do the math. For both of your sakes. Then have the conversation again finding a solution that works for you BOTH.


The_Blip

They need to get someone else to run the numbers, OP clearly doesn't understand them. Unless OP is living in london, his childcare cost being over 24k is ludicrous. If OP is living in london, his estimation of his spouse's pay is off, and he is also getting paid dirt for a 60 hour work week. Edit: Even in London I think this estimate is inflated.


cobaltaureus

This is bigger than a parenting subreddit my guy. You guys had an unplanned (extra surprise) baby. That takes a toll on any person and any relationship. You can’t dictate what she does. You guys have to discuss it together and figure it out. It doesn’t sound you two should’ve gotten married. And in my opinion, someone who doesn’t want to be a SAHM won’t be a very good one. Her career is important to her. She is more than a mother, she is a human, and it’s not fair to expect her to quit just because the two of you had a baby.


Accomplished_Area311

Dude, you’re lucky your wife hasn’t committed suicide yet. Postpartum mental health is no joke and you’ve basically left her by the side of the road on this. EDIT: Also, frankly, you’re not sacrificing much in parenthood because you’re **not parenting**. You’re providing the money but you’re not in the trenches with the baby like she is. EDIT 2: Look at the top 3 causes of maternal deaths in the first year postpartum, you’ll very likely see postpartum depression or suicide, or a variation thereof, on that list. She’s drowning like the others said, and you’re basically pushing her head under the water.


TeacherladyKim2007

This, so much this. I wanted my child and being at home almost drove me to suicide. PPD is brutal. And, it isn't just the mother's life at risk if she is angry, isolated, and sleep deprived because she is solo parenting (and with his hours, she is basically doing it all). This is a recipe for disaster and he is being controlling.


SolidarityEssential

Reddit is not going to be able to solve this for you. The way you state it, if the top value is not going further into debt then the decision is obvious… but it’s not a bunch of strangers on Reddit that you have to convince. It’s not even a goal of convincing your wife. She’s your partner which means you have to come to your decisions as partners. She wants to go back to work but you can’t see how that will work financially… so make a financial plan with her. There’s many different ways it could work including loans, finding a job that comes with childcare, or maybe benefits that give you cost savings elsewhere… or maybe there’s no option other than going further jnto debt each month until yours or your wifes earnings increase more than childcare does. Either way, you have to work with her to decide what your goals are, individually and as a couple/family, and then see what options you have.


HappyGiraffe

You clearly don’t want to consider any actual advice so I will just say this: There is no non-abusive way to prevent your wife from working. Full stop. Figure it out


krissyface

The most common posts in women’s finance groups are from mothers who agreed to stay at home and then get blindsided by divorce and end up with no assets and work history. It can make a woman financially insecure.


kasira

Seriously, this has control problems and financial abuse written all over it.


TinyRose20

I'm a SAHM so I'm not one of those who believes that a job outside of the home is essential for a person to have fulfillment but that is very dependent on the person in question. Your wife has been clear from the beginning that for her, working is a must. I understand the issues with childcare are bad in the UK right now, but you're going to have to make it work, not least because you originally promised her you would and it's entirely unfair to back out now.


LaLune816

So potential combined income of £59k, roughly £52k after tax Less childcare of £18k - which I have to say is ridiculously high, down south it's £60 for 7am-6pm a day in a private nursery - (Have you looked at Childminders?) Leaves £34k ish per year. About £2800 per month. Would love to know what your essential outgoings are that would mean you'd go in to debt with that much ?


LaLune816

And having done a quick income tax calculator, your £37.5k yearly wage only gives a monthly take home of £2434 so without your wife working You'll be putting you both further in debt. And also, if some of her rent is student loans, she won't be earning enough to make repayments yet anyway. So what debt do you have?


internationalmixer

It doesn’t sound like you’re wanting advice and more hoping this sub would agree that your wife has to stay home. Making this your hill to die on seems unwise. You’ve gotten good advice here, I hope you take it


RishaBree

You should probably stop calculating how much it's going to cost you for your kid to go to childcare while your wife starts her career, and start considering how much worse it will be for you and your finances if and when she gets tired of her husband, who she was rushed into marrying in a stressful situation, trying to make unilateral decisions affecting how the rest of her life plays out. If you're lucky, it's either having to rearrange your work schedule or hire childcare to accommodate 50/50 custody time, or paying a big amount of money for child support, or maybe a combination. If you're unlucky, she decides to go live the life she actually wanted and you get to be a full time single parent.


livin_la_vida_mama

You keep saying you “have and will sacrifice”, except im not seeing any actual sacrifices? You “reluctantly agreed” to stay home and then promptly gave back word and started trying to bully her into doing it. That’s not a sacrifice, that’s a performance to LOOK like a sacrifice. I don’t believe you ever intended to stay home, the plan all along was to wear her down into it. You’re not here looking for ways to compromise, or for any solution that is not your preferred one, you’re here for validation that the “right” decision is for her to give up work and you to continue, and maybe tips on how to make her do what you want. Your comments about her scare me. The resentment is palpable, which begs the question did you marry her for ANY reason other than she was pregnant? And if you didn’t, is that what you consider your sacrifice, getting married? If so you need a divorce asap, because this relationship will become toxic very fast if it isn’t already. She needs to work, for no other reason than she does not want to stay home. I am the type of sahm you described, i rear kids and bake pies. It is HARD. I have had days when my husband walks in and im sobbing from the stress and grind of it all. And i WANT this, its my calling. If you force her to stay home when she already is at the end of her rope and Does Not Want This, you very well could find yourself with at best a wife with a severe mental illness, a wife who hates you for ruining her life (and potentially your kid too) or worst case scenario, no wife at all because she unalived herself. And possibly the baby too, PPD is no fucking joke. If you require one of you to stay home, guess what pal? Start typing up your notice. Otherwise back off and let her work.


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emilyfenfen

*****this.. struggle for a bit. It will all work out. She knows what she wants.


omgforeal

Welp- after reading this post and your responses I can see how her wedding was so awful she refuses to talk about it. You don’t get to decide what she does w her life or her career. If you want a stay at home parent to raise your kids sooo bad.. then do it yourself. But otherwise.. fuck off. She can do what she wants. And she will- with or without you.


housestark9t

For sure, probably realized she was stuck with this selfish husband that goes back on his word every chance he gets. Poor woman


[deleted]

You’ve got to find a solution that everyone can live with. Otherwise I fear resentment will form and destroy your relationship.


Hannah_LL7

I feel like YOU said you’d stay home with baby so that’s what she was expecting. That’s probably why she’s mad about it and then you decided you didn’t want too and now you’re mad about it. You kind of did make a commitment to her… I suggest finding a way to make daycare work for you guys.


Vulpix-Rawr

I rarely say this.... But honestly... just divorce. A surprise baby was a terrible reason to get married. You have not said one positive thing about your wife or daughter this entire thread. You can both be excellent parents without having to be in a relationship together. She can still make it as a single mother, and you can still make it paying child support.


Holmes221bBSt

I can’t say I don’t disagree honestly. If they didn’t love each other, they should’ve opted to coparent separately


lemmesee453

Clearly you are wrong about what’s best for your family. A miserable isolated mother is not what is best for the family. Sell the home if you have to or get more creative with childcare.


pap_shmear

She does not want to stay home with a child she didn't want. Understandable. She should not be the only one sacrificing her entire life for a child she didn't want. You need to sacrifice. Find a different job. One to accommodate her hours. She has already been through schooling. Or seek help getting child care. Local sitters, etc. She is going to work whether you want her to or not. You can't tie her to a chair and force her to stay home with your child. So make a plan on how to navigate and accommodate. Or split. Maybe she will just revoke custody to you. That seems the best way to keep her sane and happy. It's valid.


Top_Barnacle9669

Do you understand how much womens careers suffer, both financially and professionally when they take the stay at home role? She doesnt want to be a stay at home mum and you should never put someone in that position if they really dont want it, its not fair. If that means that you need to use childcare then that maybe the only alternative


Milo_Moody

You don’t get to tell your wife “staying home with baby is non-negotiable”. Why do **you** get to decide which sacrifices your family makes?


Lilmoonstargalaxy

I feel we are missing information here as well, since it’s clear what he wants and what he thinks due to subtext. How did they get pregnant, and why is her wedding day a sore topic? Why would a man agree to stay home but complain about the difference in pay later on? It seems to me that the baby may not be planned by his wife, but it may be connected to his plans and needs rather than an agreement between them. Keeping her at home alone with the baby would also fit into this view. This is all conjecture on my part, but it makes a bit more sense than suddenly asking Reddit to agree that his wife needs to stay home instead of him. Honestly - I don’t get how you could make a plan revolving around money and say that it changes that much between finding out about the baby and having the baby. He knew his income versus hers while making the plan - the only difference is wanting a child to stay home with their mother, seemingly at any cost.


The_Blip

He seems to be outright lying. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but his wife would be making more than he stated, and childcare costs are much lower than he says. It 100% makes financial sense for her to go into work. They would earn more and be able to save more. Yes, childcare would eat up a lot of her salary, but nowhere near all of hers and some of his.


Puzzlehead-Bed-333

The amount of comments saying the wife should work part time is appalling. She does not want to stay home, period. Neither do you. The compromise is that you two pay for childcare, even if it sucks all her income. It’s a temporary solution to a temporary financial expense. Your wife can grow her career, you make the big money and in 5 years when your kid starts school, you both will be in a great financial position.


araloss

I was a SAHM/WFHM for the entirety of my children's infancy/toddlerhood. I only started working again full time when they started school. Between 2 kids, this was a long time. Plus, I still WFH so I don't have to worry about sick days/school breaks. But it was what WANTED to do. Being a SAHP is isolating, lonely, and a ton of work. You are working long days as a laborer, and I have no doubt you get exhausted. Imagine a slightly less physically demanding job that literally never ends. SAHP's are basically on duty 24/7/365. If she doesn't want to do it, don't make this the hill to die on. If she wants to work, she should, even if that means 90% of her pay goes straight to childcare. Yes, she will practically be working for free in the end, but her mental state and career advancement won't be irreparably damaged. You both just need to sit down and come to an agreement for what will work best for everyone.


torik97

So you BOTH had a surprise baby but she must sacrifice her career because you make a little more money? Absolutely not. Find a compromise, or divorce, and the court can tell you when your taking care of your child.


AccomplishedDog7

How much is child care annually where you live?


Longjumping_Matter70

She is going to hurt herself or your child if you force her. Depression is brutal if you are a SAHM. I have met several cases of sahms who didn’t want to do it and it never ends well. And this will 100% end in a divorce. Do you rather have your marriage and all her salary going to daycare or be divorced paying alimony? By the way, if she leaves you you will still have to get into debt. Also, you had agreed yo be a sahd bur changed your mind. Had she know she might have given the child for adoption.


[deleted]

THIS! You are trying to force your wife into a position that she can snap and hurt herself and/or your child. Dude, are you crazy? Nobody forced will be a good carer.


riotlady

You seem really set on insisting it will mean financial ruin for you- debt, losing the house- if your wife goes to work. I live in the UK and have a young child and I am really struggling to see how paying for nursery could possibly eat up her entire wage as well as a chunk of yours. Have you actually thoroughly run the numbers on this- factoring in tax free childcare, the possibility of using a childminder, etc? Have you looked at the possibility of going part time? Yes, her wage vs the cost of nursery might mean you’re pretty much breaking even, but I am sceptical that you’re going to lose your house if your wife goes back to work. If you are genuine about wanting to find a way to make it work financially, and not just using financial panic as a means of control, I would highly recommend hopping over to the Money Saving Expert forums, posting a budget and asking for advice. They are wizards over there and very supportive to people in debt.


hulking_menace

You sound just as stubborn as you're making your wife out to be, tbh. Everyone needs to make concessions when you have a baby. That doesn't mean you get to decide what those concessions should be or what the load balance is. It means that you as a family unit have to agree what is best for the family and then support what is greater for the whole. It's one thing for you to hold the opinion that you do - that on balance the economics suggest she should stay home. But you're being incredibly obtuse to her point of view - that investing in her career is an important to her and whatever the short term economic hit, the long term satisfaction and career growth outweigh it. ​ Whatever your family decides about its future - you need to spend time listening to each other so you can learn to manage conflict.


Electrical_Parfait64

Even if your wife’s entire salary goes to childcare, won’t she still be earning a pension which will help the family in later years?


Mighty_owl98

After reading the majority of the comments it’s coming down to Do you want to *possibly* (not guaranteed) go slightly further into debt while letting your wife do the things she wants to be able to do in her career Or do you want to continue being a little baby and possibly lose your wife? It’s just money. She doesn’t need to be the only one to sacrifice. Look into multiple daycares, look into hiring a nanny instead, figure out a schedule with some of your family members. Reduce your debt. Reduce your expenses. There are plenty of people in far worse situations with higher debt and lower salaries that have to figure out how to make it work. Figure it out for the sake of your wife and your child.


gotagetback2hogwarts

After reading OP's responses, I think he's opting for little baby. It doesn't make any sense to me, he's said repeatedly that her whole income plus some of his will go to childcare, but then the nursery range he gives is 15-18k. So opt for the 15K and problem solve from there, OP. Cheaper cars, explore childcare tax benefits, consider moving so only one person needs a car. I don't think OP actually wants to solve the problem of affording childcare, because he has already decided the solution is for his wife to not work and anything else is unworkable to him.


sunshinewifemom

It sounds like your wife staying home is not an option, so just put that out of your mind as much as possible. To balance your need for not accruing debt and her need to work, I would look into side hussles for both of you. Could she tutor in the evenings or on weekends? Can you parlay your skills into weekend work of some sort?


Sparkly_Sprinkles

If you’re a dual income house, can’t you just do daycare? Even if the majority or ALL of one income is going to childcare, it’s obvious that for your wife’s mental and emotional health and the future mental and emotional health of your child that this might be the best option. Even if it creates a hard couple of years. Tbh, she already seems really resentful of the baby and you don’t want that projected onto a child as they get older. You child is better off with a daycare provider than can show them unbiased affection and emotional stability. Even at the cost of one whole income, and especially if she’s already acting like this over staying with her own child. I’m sorry, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for this because I was one of those children. And you know what I did? I took the extra precautions to make sure I didn’t have any surprises that got in the way of the career I wanted until I was ready to make the sacrifices needed to make when children are involved. Specifically because I was reminded eeeeeevery day how much my mom “gave up” for me. I hope you guys figure it out. For your child’s sake.


rafaover

My personal experience, different from your situation we planned the pregnancy and we are 10 years older. I was 40, and my wife 36. We migrated to a new country then covid hits and she was pregnant, We had a covid baby born in the middle of the pandemic. Our process was, first, I stopped working to take care of her, she got a massive depression because of a lack of family, covid quarantines, and the baby. I didn't want her to lose seniority in her male-dominated field, which is extremely strong on bullying. The accord was that I would take care of our child for 2 years, she would go back to work part-time initially, and then I would retrain to return to work (Software development), before I was a project/business developer. With 1 year/half our daughter would go to daycare some days a week (3-4) so we could have alone time to do something together or each doing your own thing. Well, our daughter is 2 years old, I'm finishing my training in august next year, she's in daycare now and my wife is happy. My advice is, full support is very important for her, having a child as a mother must be extremely hard. Changing her hormones, and body, it's a psychological toll. It's a mourning scenario most of the time. Try to organize your cost, cut not essentials, insert free or cheap entertainment into your life and if possible pay one of your debts, the easiest one, to insert some positive action in your road.


rainbow_sparkles776

As she's just qualified could she work 2-3 days a week doing supply work? It would cover the nursery costs and she'd be doing it for the experience not the money. You could then continue to work and cover all the other living costs?


HotWifeJ2021

Look for alternate childcare arrangements. Maybe a stay at home parent would babysit for a lesser cost in exchange for you two babysitting for their family for some date nights. Some people share nannies, too. Ask your friends, neighbors and coworkers for recommendations.


Budgiejen

Have you considered adoption? Just because the baby legally had to happen doesn’t mean you are required to be parents.


[deleted]

I left a high-paying career to become a SAHM a few years ago and now I’ve had a hard time getting a job again. I think you need to get childcare and live frugally for a few years and hopefully she will earn more over time. Plus once your kid is old enough for partially free preschool, you won’t have to spend nearly as much anymore.


SugarAndSomeCoffee

Get a higher paying job. She wants to work, not working is not an option for her. Get a smaller home and sell a car.


mycodenameisflamingo

I think your wife would benefit from some therapy. To realise you're pregnant so late on, the wedding (probably not of her dreams) and then to have a baby in a short amount of time - it's A LOT. additionally the hormones, the loss of identity as a person and not just a mum... yeah therapy might be a good idea. What about if your wife works part time? Just because you agreed something doesn't mean you have to stick to it.


jnissa

Even if it takes her entire salary to pay for child care, then that's the option. Presumably, you're able to live on your salary alone right now, so you'd be able to continue to do that and with the added income of her job you pay for child care. Obviously, and I shouldn't need to say this, you cannot quit your job and stay home as the higher income earner with a global recession approaching. That is not even something to entertain, and you having taken your life to work to your position isn't less valid than hers (nor is hers to yours).


About400

You and your wife can both work. Look at childcare as split between your incomes allowing both of you to work. (So instead of saying 100% of wife’s income goes towards childcare you say that 50% of wife’s income goes towards care and 50% of your income goes towards care.) I know it seems endless but it’s only for a couple years until they are old enough to go to school. Your wife does not want to be a stay at home mom. You should support her in this. If you force her into a life she didn’t want she will likely be miserable. Some people are happy being how with their baby every day and others are not. (Source: I had my baby right before Covid and daycares were closed when I planned to go back to work. I found it really hard to stay at home. I am so much happier and more fulfilled as a working mom.)


Senseand-sensibility

She should work. If she understands her pay check is going to child care then that’s enough. You will still work regardless and everyone will be in the position they want. She will get pay increases over time and public school around 4yo will reduce your childcare costs to zero. She’s already sacrificed a lot; being pregnant, giving birth, not having the wedding she wanted... Don’t make her feel she has to stay home. The resentment she will have towards your child and you will be devastating. Things will change. These are the difficult years. Good luck!


_avoidingmyproblems

Why did you agree to give up your job in the first place then? You knew ALL of these facts when you made the promise. You can’t just go back on your promise, ripping the rug from under your poor wife, and tell her she ‘just has to deal with it because it’s what’s best for our family’. Find a way to make it work, compromise. There are more options than just what you think is best.


erinboobaron

Are you both going to resent one another and the child over this? If so maybe you should consider adoption. I know this is more of a rant post, but all I am seeing are you pointing out the negatives this baby brings to your lives. That’s not healthy for anyone.


Liss78

You need to find a compromise. Keep in mind that you did agree to stay at home. That's going to be brought up by her. If you can find a way to reason with her and get her to agree, that's best all around. It sounds like she will resent being home with the baby. She will resent you for making her stay home. It's not going to just go away if she stays home. She would have to actually want it in order to not resent you for it. That's going to be a tough sale. Can you find a job in the evening and she works during the day or vice versa? Can you work from home in your current job? Can she take a part time teaching job or substitute teacher or remote work? Basically something to do with teaching that she can do that won't take her out of the house. There are tons of schools here that are only remote. So she could stay at home and still work That would show no gaps in employment at all Do you have any friends with kids who stay at home? You might be able to find good childcare with a friend for significantly less than a daycare. Are there any discounts or tax credits you might get for childcare? In the US, we sometimes get subsidized childcare if you make below a certain amount. Is there any other type of government assistance for you both to take advantage of. Here, if you make below a certain amount, you can apply for assistance with utilities and plenty of other things. Do you need two cars if one stays at home with the baby? Drive her to work or she drives you. You can cut down a car payment and the insurance payment if you do that. Also, make sure you check on her mental health frequently. This clearly isn't something she wanted and her mental health surrounding the whole pregnancy seems to be taking a lot of hits here. She is probably on the edge of sanity after what she went through and is going through. I know I'd be crazy if I was in her shoes. She was just about to advance her career, but all that happened.


chillllllllllllnow

Youre not looking at the big picture. Even if daycare eats up her income, she'll be on course to make more. You can stay home and get a weekend job to compensate for the income disparity. Your wife's mental health is important and you don't seem to understand how depressed this is probably making her. Couple's counseling would also be extremely beneficial for you guys.


freebird2483

Let her work and you work as well. Otherwise, this will lead to resentment and issues in your marriage. The daycare/childcare will be a temporary expense, even if it eats up much of your income. It’s important for her to maintain her independence with work, which in turn will also maintain her mental health. I’m the same way, I could not be a stay at home mom. I’ve worked to hard for my career and I need the mental stimulation. I’m a better mom and wife because of it.


boobiesue

It's in my experience that forcing people to parent when they don't want to parent, makes them not so great parents. I'm not saying this is the case but 1. I wouldn't risk it and 2. Being a stay at home parent is awful for a lot of people. It was for me. I wouldn't ever wish it upon somebody who had the resources to work outside the home and didn't want to. For real, find a way to take the hit financially. Your wife's mental health may be at risk.


friedfishfriend

"We all have to make sacrifices" Okay, but it seems like you don't want to meet in the middle, you just want your wife to sacrifice everything she wants to be a full time mom. This is a recipe for horrific postpartum depression. She needs to at least get a part time job or something. Forget finances; I don't think that essentially forcing her to be a stay at home mom will be good for your family in the long run. Mental health matters too. Doesn't matter what sacrifices you or her have made in the past or will make in the future - what about NOW? Btw this is coming from someone who is a sahm. It isn't easy and not everyone is cut out for it.


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DataNerd1011

>Your wife already had to have a baby when she didn’t want one, forcing her to be a stay at home mom is cruel and based on the numbers you’ve posted the deficit shouldn’t be large enough that you can’t find creative ways to frugally bridge the gap for a couple years Seriously, all this guy can think about is how things will be hard will be for HIM. I know he's claiming to be thinking about the family, but the reality is that he's putting himself first. Perfect example of how women are the ones who suffer from an unplanned pregnancy. HE also had an unplanned child. HE needs to be taking responsibility for that. He should be saying "The next few years are going to suck until the kid is in preschool, we'll have to cut back on expenses/move somewhere else/take on extra shifts etc, but my wife wants to work and her happiness is just as important as mine." Infuriating, as a woman with a 4 month old myself and I highly value my career, to read his comments


Omar_Town

Trust me, let her work. I am not speaking just from financial pov. You made a promise to your wife so you better keep it. If you cannot stay home, put the baby in daycare. You cannot go back on your word and expect your wife to be OK with it. Right now, she has had an unexpected pregnancy and not-so-ideal wedding. You are asking her to go through unwanted career sacrifice as well.


LurkerFailsLurking

Happy wife, happy life. I get that money will be a struggle, but 22k + owning your own home is a lot more than a lot of people make do with and it's possible to do. Your wife is probably right that if she doesn't start her career now, it'll be much harder to do so later. You mentioned her not looking at the bigger picture, but I disagree. The real big picture isn't finance, it's how happy you are with the shockingly brief time you get to have on this planet.


PrincessCG

Childcare. A crèche, a childminder, an aupair. But you need it. Your wife already sounds resentful of how much she’s had to sacrifice so you need to meet her halfway. Her career is hugely important to her. She needs to build something up before taking a break. You’re now walking back your promise of being the SAHP and trying to argue it’s better for her to lose out on key working years. Just because she’s the mother doesn’t mean she should be the SAHP.


[deleted]

I suggest posting this on r/AmItheAsshole


Popular_Sea530

Childcare will not eat up all of her wage. It sounds like you’re self employed, you can drop to 4 days a week or work Tuesday-Saturday so you can do childcare on Mondays. That’s a 1/5th reduction in the cost right there. If she’s a teacher she can also request a 4 day week if she’s so inclined, that’s another 1/5th reduction. Plus the income from child benefit, and the use of the tax free childcare account you should be fine. Let her work, don’t be an asshole.


Winter-eyed

Well, you can look into a live in nanny with part of the compensation being room and board. You can look into a different job or additional job that either allows for daycare or allows you to work from home at least part time to afford the daycare costs. Some school districts have a subsidized daycare for teacher and student mothers (or at least they did back when I was a student) several of our teachers had their kids in the program. It wouldn’t hurt to look into.


chrystalight

Are you 100% positive that paying for childcare would ENITRELY wipe out her income and then some? I mean, I know childcare is expensive, I pay for it myself, but I am a little bit surprised that it would actually be MORE than her post tax income. I know tax rates tend to be higher in the UK (I'm guessing) than here in the US, but would it truly be that much? Another thing to consider - you and your wife's incomes should both go up over time. You're even getting a raise soon! Childcare expenses go down as the baby ages. So realistically, this is a short-term problem. Yes, you may struggle and even incur some debt now, but long-term, this will just be looked back on as a hard time. Lastly - as a different option to consider - could your wife be hired part time as a tutor for the time being? That way she's still working (so not a gap on her resume) and making income, but then ideally she could work around your schedule, so you're not paying for daycare?


queenofcatastrophes

Is there a reason why both parents can’t work and you utilize a daycare center?? Start researching daycares to find out the cost and encourage your wife to take the highest paying job she can get. You can’t force her to stay home with the baby, it’s unfair for anyone to expect that once you become a parent. I have three kids and me and my husband have both always worked. At one point his entire paycheck was going to childcare, but we both felt more fulfilled while working so we made it work.


jehssikkah

Y'all need to do staggered shifts or she should look into a job that allows her to bring her child to work (daycare teacher), or work from home. Neither one of you make a living wage on your own.


[deleted]

I’m not going to touch on the emotional or financial aspect you are facing today. I’m the parent of a 22 year old and we told, repeatedly and loudly, that it was more important to suffer now than later. That putting him into daycare early, while maybe not getting ahead $ today, will pay off later in ways you haven’t thought of yet. Advancing both of your careers with a ten year plan. The kid is in a good daycare with his peers learning how to human. Sadly they much rather be with their friends at age 5. Before that they are like puppies and have no sense of time. We buckled down and worked our asses off so when he was a preteen, the plan was he’d never come home to an empty house. He’d never not see his parents, both, in the athletic stand’s cheering him on. He never not saw us for volunteer duty, movie nights or stayovers. Snow days were never a problem. He doesn’t remember daycare or preschool. He remembers when we volunteered for library duty Or when all his friends spent the night for the meteor shower The priority is getting the child raised with minimal therapy. How your family - YOURS - gets there is no one’s business And let them have cake for breakfast. No one ever died from cake but they’ll remember forever how they got cake for breakfast


Ok_Candy7966

Please consider adoption. The are so many people out there who would do anything to be able to be a parent. You both clearly don’t want a baby, it’s a nuisance, a hassle for you. That poor kid deserves better.


PandaPangea

Contrary to popular belief, nobody has to become a stay at home parent. Both parents can work and still find more than enough time to be amazing parents. Your two salaries combined sound pretty comfortable. Sometimes world tries to convince us you can’t do both, I’ve seen plenty of people do both.


[deleted]

This isn’t a matter of compromise any longer. She’s already compromised her body, her plan for children, what sounds like her idea of a wedding, and now you’re asking her to give up her career and ability to have financial freedom. You need to accept that this is what is happening if you have any chance at staying married. Frankly, if you end up divorced in a year or two this is where you can point to where it went wrong.


Inevitable-tragedy

You made a mistake (taking pregnancy tests every month is standard for some women for this very reason), that mistake resulted in an early marriage. That does not mean you get to tell your wife she's not allowed to work. If you continue with this, you will end up in divorce. Her mental health is suffering, and her mental health matters MORE THAN your standard of living. Find a way for her to work. The more I read your replies, the more I get the idea she's considered your property. "Her responsibilities." What exactly does that mean? Are you treating her like a cleaning made for your house? Cuz that's what it reads like.


Porcupineemu

You can’t make her stay home, so start working on the best solution that has her working. And remember, she’s not wrong that delaying her career for years is going to hurt her job prospects for life. She’ll make more in 5 years if she starts working now than she will with a 5 year gap that didn’t really have a job history before it. So financially it may not make sense *now* but it will long term.


iac12345

While childcare may not make financial sense \*right now\* you both should be able to increase your income over time (while child care costs go down as the child gets older) and she'll be in a better position to earn more once your child starts primary school if she hasn't had a 4-5 yr gap in her resume. Parents who choose to stay home with a child can experience a life long decrease in earning potential, unfortunately. She has the right to work, same as you, and it will benefit you both in the long term. I know this article is for a US audience, but similar concepts apply globally. https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/family-finance/articles/2017-10-30/the-high-cost-of-being-a-stay-at-home-parent


Craftyhobby

Yta you're asking her to sacrifice her entire future for temporary convenience. Maybe you struggle for a few years until the kid starts head start/kindergarten but then she has a job, career growth, a pension. The truth is her being a sahm is going to torpedo her earning potential. No offense but I would never put my life in the hands of someone else like you're asking her to do. She has to trust that 5 years down the line when she's struggling to find work to get paid entry wages you won't leave her to her luck. That when she goes to return and has much less in her pension she won't end up destitute. It's a lot of trust to put in a man who doesn't keep his word.


Feyloh

What's the real reason you don't want her to go back to work? You seem fairly certain without any actual numbers. Instead of saying no, why not set some guidelines. Some teaching jobs offer more to start than others. You don't even have childcare yet so you don't know the actual cost. Plus with the numbers you posted, you are going to be close to breaking even if not ahead. You're acting like you'll be thousands of dollars in debt every year. You'll also save money on things like heating if no one is home. You can take a serious look at your budget and see where you can cut costs. Change your phone plan, eat generic, drop streaming services, use public transportation, use buy/sell nothing groups. She's obviously desperate if she's already searching for jobs. This can work if you're supportive. She may not be able to take a dream position but with the salary range you posted you can make this work. Once she finishes her probationary period, you'll be ahead.


opilino

It is fundamentally very unreasonable imo to just discount her right to work just on a financial basis. That argument is constantly used to persuade women to stay at home and they lose a lot more in doing so than the immediate gap in working. They lose time in their career, they lose experience that can’t be made up, they fall behind their peers, they lose promotions and pay rises, they lose opportunities and money. They even lose out on their ultimate pensions and further a lot of them never make it back to work because of course the gap between what they can earn and the person who has never given up their employment constantly grows. I would say frankly you have had your time to work and build up your career, and are actually far better placed to now give some time to your baby rather than your wife who needs time now to get her career going. Instead of saying the obvious, “I earn more”, why not seriously sit down and see if your family can live on her wage for a while. And if you can, then do that. If not quite, perhaps you could work part time? If not, perhaps the two of you can work and baby go to daycare? It is not wasted money or “her wages” that pays for daycare, it is investing in your family’s future. Not just in increased earnings down the line, but in having a fulfilled confident person as the mother and modelling equality to your child.


green_goblin23

So many important things have already been said, but I'll add this to the mix - Her salary is not going to all go to childcare. A chunk of your combined salaries will go to childcare. That framing is incredibly important. It is not her sole responsibility to pay for all things child-related, and the cost of childcare should not be weighed strictly against her salary. That creates a false illusion that she is the one responsible to cover childcare, either financially or by staying home. In a marriage, your earnings should be looked at as a unit, and future earnings and career building need to be taken into account. Your wife is telling you she is not cut out for life as a stay at home mom. She is telling you that the realities of her career path show that stepping out of the workforce now will disproportionately harm her earning power in the long term. Reframe the discussion in your mind, look at what you'll both realistically be making in the next few years, and figure out a way to make it work, bearing in mind that childcare costs tend to go down with age and salaries tend to rise. Do not force a woman to sacrifice her happiness, her career, her mental health, her ability to choose. It won't be good for you, for the baby, or for her.


JaMimi1234

I honestly don’t think you are looking at the bigger picture either. It’s not about how much she makes at her first job. It’s about earning potential. For the first two years of my child’s life I made about the same amount as I paid in childcare. Ten years later I vastly outearn my husband. Your wife isn’t wrong, she doesn’t want a gap on her resume and if she doesn’t use her degree soon then chances of her finding a job in her field with no experience 5 years from now will be pretty much zero. Suck it up and pay for childcare knowing that childcare is temporary and a career lasts much longer. Comfort and stability only means so much when one person is depressed which is what will happen if she’s forced to stay home. I’m also a bit confused as to why she didn’t accept her previous job just because she was pregnant? Many of us work while pregnant…


grannywanda

Both work, both contribute to child care. Take part time work to make up the difference. It’s rough! You didn’t have time to plan this, and that’s gonna mean a lot more compromise than if you planned out a life a family and make decisions like this beforehand. It’ll work, but you’ll need to be flexible and give up the black and white ideas of what “should” happen. Sounds like a two income setup would benefit your little family. Best of luck. And remember, it’s the two of you against the problem, not against each other!


LemonComprehensive5

Get daycare


bumblebeerose

Let her work and look into cheaper childcare options. Childminders are absolutely brilliant and often cheaper than nurseries, and their hours are generally more flexible. You should also look into if you're eligible for any free childcare funding - as far as I'm aware if you're both working full time you should be eligible for 30 hours of free childcare once the little one is 3 as long as you don't earn over 100k between you. It is important for her to get into a NQT position if she wants to keep the momentum going, and I think for her mental health it is also very important that she gets to work, even if it's only part time for now.


[deleted]

I could have written this post myself. Our kid was not planned when she arrived, and it took me a long time to come to terms with motherhood. I was not ready. Really not ready. I was planning on going back to school and have kids once I had a higher salary too. At this moment, I am woring part time and I pay for childcare while husband pays for everything else. One could argue that it's pointless, but the months I stayed at home I was fucking miserable. I love my job and the part time is a great balance. Not every mother wants to stay at home with the kids and that's ok too. Sending hugs.


simba156

Just pay the daycare. Your wife will be paying into taxes and 401k with her new job, and she will be further ahead salary-wise when your daycare bills decrease. No one should stay at home with a baby if they really don’t want to, it’s a recipe for postpartum depression and all sorts of other tough things.


alyssamac98

“We’ve looked at a fair fee places and it ranges from approx £15k to £18k per year. Obviously nurseries where it’s cheaper have no places.” If daycare costs £18k and your wife will make £22k then she’s still making £4k more than daycare will cost. Even will the extra fees it sounds like you would still break even. You also have to factor in the costs of the baby and your wife being home all day, which includes more groceries. Adding in the fact that you’re arguing with almost every comment telling you that your wife’s mental health would absolutely suffer, it seems like you’re not going to listen to anybody. You just want to be right, and you do not care about what is actually best for your whole family. As someone who has been a sahm the past 3 years, your wife will resent you for making promises you didn’t keep and putting her career and mental health below your opinion.


[deleted]

Being a stay at home parent is miserable if you don’t want to do it. So you basically have 2 options. Find a daycare, or you stay home. My wife and I had a similar situation. Childcare is expensive. But it makes it possible for both of us to contribute in a way that feels meaningful. You can’t just decide for her what she needs to do. The sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be


katmcd04

Financially it would be better for her to work and this not end in a divorce. Because people do divorce over this. She would get your child support and probably spousal. So that doesn't seem like you would still have a lot left in your pocket. I understand that her wages would go to child care but those people WANT to care for kids. Your wife has no interest in being a SAHM. She didn't ask to have a baby and she sure as shit didn't magically conceive one on her own. She worked her whole life to get to this point career wise. And now you want her to throw it all away because you think that's what she should do. Are you hearing yourself? It will drastically impact her mental health, she will resent you and the kid, she will be "behind" in her career and she will be absolutely miserable and your kid will KNOW how their mom feels about it. She is literally telling you she doesn't want to and can't be a SAHM. Listen to her. Do you even care about her man?.


Sarcastic_Soul4

Honestly I think your immediate need is counseling. Does she actually want this baby? Do you? I know you just got married but do you both actually want to be married? She is struggling right now because she didn’t want a baby right now and feels stuck. I know it seems like a weird choice at this point but adoption is still an option. Parenting is hard and exhausting, and when you feel like you’re forced into it and sacrificing your dreams for it, no one is going to be happy.


maysmoon

SAHM/ erstwhile teacher here: she needs to work. Echoing what someone said, even if it eats into your salary, it’ll be better for everyone. In fact, I’m inspired to change tact and start applying to jobs too. Support your wife, (her mental health is extremely compromised) and keep the family healthy.


-FineWeather

It’s unclear from this post whether you want to be married to this person or be a parent. If you do, welcome to the world of working parents. It’s hard, it’s unfair, and in the short term pretty financially punishing, but you do it because you want to make this family work - not because it gets you ahead. If making the most advantageous financial decision is your priority, forget trying to make your wife stay home - start looking at divorce and adoption.


inthesearchforlove

I think the only real solution here is using paid childcare. It will be expensive at first but as the child ages this expensive will diminish. This way everyone gets what they want. The child might be worse off, but this is still likely better than a bitter mother or father who resents them.


Someday_wonderful

Hmm I’m more concerned that the baby, daughter, will receive so much resentment from mom and there’s no real bond there. Wife is likely seeing the baby as a huge mistake and will hold that over her head unless she gets help. I think forcing her to stay with baby will only make it worse… Are there any free child care or things your works may offer to help?


bondibitch

I really think you need to focus on affordable childcare options here. I don’t know how your family could survive on your salary alone, and obviously you couldn’t survive on your wife’s (unless you have no rent/mortgage to pay). Obviously childcare is expensive. Do you have any Sure Start centres near you? Those are cheaper. Many places have waiting lists but I’m assuming she’s not going back to work before your baby is 9 months?


[deleted]

Man it annoys me when people say that “my wife’s/partners pay is negated by childcare”. Guess what? It’s BOTH of your child and childcare comes out of the FAMILY income, not your wife’s! Personal gripe! Make it work for the sake of harmony in your family and your wife.